How You Unconsciously Signal to Others You're Not Partner Material
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
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People traumatized as children often struggle to name, hold and express their boundaries, especially when isolated and lonely. This can lead you to attack your own needs and expectations, and to cooperate with people who lead you on with hope of a relationship, but who only want to feed off your romantic energy and make you a "side-chick." In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who fears that if she shuts the door on this type of friends-with-crumbs-of-benefits, she'll have no one.
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This may seem old school, but not being willing to take someone somewhere nice to spend some time and money on them says it all.
mmmhmmm
True 💯
Umm some people have difficult financial situations. You can do fun stuff without spending too much money.
@@91toinfinity That's not what he's referring to. He's saying nice as in not far below what you can afford and that requires no thought, etc. I'm poor due to my disabilities but my husband still takes me to places we consider nice for birthdays and such. It's when you don't want to "waste" your money on someone that it's bad. Like when I went on a few dates with a guy before I met my husband and he had a fit about having to buy dinner at Taco Bueno but he was taking another girl out for steak because he thought she would put out.. she didn't lol! I know because we were acquaintances.
@@jenniferwells2291 I completely agree with you..it depends on the man if he wants to invest on you. Whatever he has, he would try to share with you with whatever means he can afford to spend on you if he is genuinely interested and invested in you.
I read something a long time ago and it went like this : “ Never run back to what broke you “.
Amen
@ladyluck5248 This is one of the best aphorisms I've ever read/heard. Thank you.
Did it once learned my lesson, not going to do it a second time. I grew from it and finally love myself it's incredible. ❤
Love this!
To make it simple a guy who is really interested doesnt leave you confused. Confusion means move on
Well said! - Ashley, Team Fairy
I just did it. After 2 years I realized it was only sex. He wanted sex only. After he broke up for another time he asked me to sens him erotic photos of me. I am glad I refused.
@@ona8938 Good for you. And photos are out of the question, I don’t care if you’re married. Not safe.
love that super helpful
how much confusion do we bring ourselves.
She was brainwashed to think that lowering her expectations of a man is going to get her a marriage proposal. It’s actually the opposite: the guy must do multiple things to show his interest.
This really helped Erin!!!! I think that’s what happened to me! My mom was very controlling and said I couldn’t move out until a man came and proposed to me! And this was in 2011! Like dang this ain’t the 1950’s anymore
This happened to me 😢
❤. Got it and stop sleeping with them!! Flirt fine and advertise but only the one gets the prize ladies ans we are the prize!!!
@@Portia620Sex is prize for some women, like me, not something we "give" to exchange for male love. The point is not giving to this men more then that.
These guys want to "just hang out," at your place or theirs, because they hope sex will happen. They want to be with you in a private place. "Hanging out" is a huge red flag if you want a relationship, imo. Insist on actual dates and weed out the users up front!
I know a man who took me for dates , literally cared for me , provided me emotional availability, didnt want sex (although desired) but was afraid to commit. I courageously dropped him down.
I know for me I have actually been turned off by sex from the disappoint from sex being the only thing they want from me when I want love, affection, and companionship. Ugh I’m so depressed about all the mistakes I’ve made just adding to the CPTSD. Long road ahead for sure
@@jozzz222 Don’t be so hard on yourself. Learn from your mistakes and move accordingly
Yep & stay celibate!!! The Narcissistic want to get you on your back as quick as possible.
The 1s that don't even want to take you out are dusties!!!
Cut them immediately.
@@sajalmishra2872 yep. Trying to find the strength to end my relationship like this
Oh my God. "... having a relationship with an idea instead of the person." How many times have I done that.
That’s literally me. The self - neglect and feeling unimportant as a child has transferred in adulthood and putting others first, no need to be spoilt or taken out, compromising yourself all the time … thank you for this video.
Honey, NO! Not you too... You're absolutely worthy gal
Same petya. And what’s worse? I have people pleased all my life so when I stand up for myself, people call me selfish. Enough of that. Time to heal.
Same ... 😞 At 57,... Reconnected with an old boyfriend (from 24 years ago) with whom I had a purely hook-up "relationship, " ...now, he's on the verge of divorce -- still residing w her ( because of the kids -- grown up, 20 & 23). Initially, 6 weeks ago when we reconnected, he was So Complimentary; my brain, my kindness, my looks --- and told me " Omg, Sue, I want you So Much!!" But.
That hasn't happened. -- just kissing, oral pleasure FOR HIM ( next time, he says, it's " all about " Me. But, that hasn't happened.
Real dates ?? -- promises, ..but cancels due to exhaustion..( he Does have a health issue,...) promises he'll
" Make it up to me,".. but
Hasn't.
Like the OP, I'm afraid to say what I want;
Afraid ( I'll push him away if) I tell him I need something Real, a true relationship, a committed connection.... I DID TELL HIM that I don't do casual sex, anymore. No hook-ups,..I need there to Be Something, between us.
So, I wait, ---- text cute, romantic things, respond to his sexy texts and words, ..don't go out with Anyone else --- but, we haven't had " That Talk "..idk what he thinks or feels ... is he also exclusive?? Is he chatting to/ flirting with
Other women..? ( he's well-known in our town, having Always been in popular rock bands; WOMEN LOVE HIM!!! He gets A lot of female attention..
Idk what to do.
He Makes me feel.. like I'm on a cloud, walking on air,.. I want what we NEVER had 24 yes ago; a Real relationship, commitment, exclusivity, ...to be his Girlfriend in public, to lie on the couch with him after work in the evenings ...
He ❤ loves snuggling, cuddling -- me giving him oral sex ... but, again, THAT hasn't been Reciprocated ..he just SAYS he wants to do that.
Sigh.
Repeating " the pattern" ...again.
@@suzanne4396 I’ve learned that staying away from people from the past is essential because most will view you from the same lens they did in the past. They also come back around because they believe they could easily take from you again & their supplies are limited, so they break out the black book or look you up on Facebook & say how they never forgot you to suck you back in. My mantra….. NO PAST PEOPLE!!
@@suzanne4396 You "say" you're not into casual hookups.... But then you do. Do you even know who you are?
You're not going to have a fulfilling relationship with...a married man. "For the kids?" Who are in their 20's? Seriously girl?
Find someone else if you must have someone. But find yourself first.
Since I started watching and actually taking lessons from this channel, my love life has improved so so much. Boundaries are firm, red flag detector activated and surprisingly accurate, feet on the ground approach about what I want and need from a potential partner. Everyone else who drains my romantic energy with breadcrumbs of attention can go away. I know I'm capable of secure attachment and emotional intimacy, despite my trauma, just need to find the right person who is also healthy and stable. I don't care if it takes me years, I won't settle for any less than I deserve. High standards are attractive which I only saw when I realised the people Im attracted to have high standards and value their time and energy. Boundaries are sexy. Self respect is sexy. Entertaining time-wasters to fill a void is covertly painful, and we're in denial about who we really are with them. I won't abandon myself after I just found her again ❤️🙏 Thank you Fairy for being in my life x
Yay! @Angelika wins!!!
Ain’t this the truth! 💯
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy SHE does!
Thank you so very much for sharing your determination, wisdom and hope with us. Angelika, it's inspiring to hear. You're a lovely success story! ❤
Well said and I hope to get to where you are one day ♥️
I think emotional abuse and volatility causes us to purposely leave things ambiguous and shy away from asking tough questions as a way of avoiding anything that could set off a negative reaction from the other person. I've learned that if a dynamic makes me afraid to communicate directly, it's not a dynamic I want to be in. The people that deserve to be in my sphere can handle the discomfort of addressing things in a way that respects my boundaries. And to quote Matthew Hussey, "When a man tells you he's not looking for a relationship, BELIEVE HIM."
It seems to be *SO* common to have had an obviously abusive relationship with a classic controlling man, and then follow it up with a totally different type of harmful relationship. The type of ''relationship'' where you are side-chick/place-holder with a spiritual narcissist type who says things like ''you're as free as you believe you are'', tells you he doesn't want a girlfriend but then goes on to ignore *every* boundary between friendship and a relationship. So just like the abusive relationship from your past, you realise you gave yourself away for "2.99 just because ''he'' asked a bit more nicely. He didn't shout. But you gave yourself away again.
Oh geeze, this is totally me...
Sadly, me too😔 I thought he was better, but yes the same mistake again
I've done that so many times the more nice they were I thought of he takes me out to dinner but he doesn't want a relationship but he's really respectful maybe one day he will want to be my boyfriend. This is after being in a physically abusive relationship or abuse from family. My thought process was this isn't as bad as that so this must me right. I didn't know what was right or wrong because I thought they are nice but they still weren't giving me what I wanted or respecting me. I wasn't respecting myself because I didn't know how. It's interesting that some people have to learn this because they aren't taught boundaries are grew up in a toxic environment.
Yup. Dang
Omg "you're as free as you believe you are".... that really sounds like the man I was with before "Steve". Just these vague, seemingly "kinder" notions of male/female dynamics that seems so alluring, like a promise of a world where all the stuff that has proved difficult to navigate is somehow irrelevant. Yet you are so right... it ends up being just to prop up a situation that suits HIM. Seductive but leading the way to control; a hallmark of manipulation (conscoiusly or unconsciously). Thank you for your thoughts. Makes me think, in my case at least: "My dad in sheep's clothing" lol.
Casual sex is the top of self disrespect. Of course men need to marry to be with you. Because you are worthy. We need to respect ourselves more girls ❤
Well said :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So right
I agree!!! Spent my youth having casual sex. It was a waste, and I didn't find a lifelong partner.
Men need to respect themselves in this way too.
@@saynotohookupsOf course not, only men are allowed to enjoy sex. Women should want marriage and babies😂
If you're in a yo-yo relationship, it will NEVER, EVER become anything other than a yo-yo relationship. Women can't be friends or anything else with a man like that. The only solution to this problem is to block him absolutely from your life. Zero contact. You have more important things to do with your time.
I’m going through a yo-yo relationship right now for years :( I don’t know how to let go permanently.. even though it’s slowly destroying me, he keeps devaluing me, mentally abusing/ gaslighting me and cheated on me..
And I know that logically it won’t last and I still have hope trying to see the good in him, but in reality I know he’s simply not a good person. But after all of that it’s really really hard to block him permanently and feels like it’s out of my control, kind of like a bad drug addiction.
Any advice? I wish I had close friends to help me get through it, but I feel so alone and emotionally dependent on him and he knows that
@@purplecorpse4230 He doesn't respect you. He never will. He is never, ever, ever going to to give you the relationship you desire. He doesn't WANT to. And you won't change his mind, but he will ALWAYS discover a way to make you think that you will. It's HARD to sever the kind of bond you have for him. It's tough. It isn't easy. You might think the kind of attraction you have for him will never cross paths with you again. Maybe it won't or maybe it will, but if you regain your independence from him, you will find the happiness that he consistently takes from you. Seek out a therapist to help you because, as March Reighly stated perfectly in her comment, you’re ruining your life by chasing a love that isn't there and wasting your time instead of building your future.
@@purplecorpse4230 I would definitely block this person. It will feel strange at first, but you’ll get some breathing room. This person enjoys keeping you confused.
Once you completely remove him from your life, don’t look back! No peeking into their social media, nada, nothing. Let them become a non person, after all it’s how they treated you.
You deserve better.
@@purplecorpse4230 I’ve been there before so I know how you feel. But one thing I’ve come to learn in my 26 years of life is that people never truly change. Look at every healthy, long term marriage you’ve ever witnessed in your life. Do you think any of them started off with the men treating their wives this way? Can you honestly say you would be happy with him for the rest of your life if he continued exactly as he is and never changed how he treated you? Is this the kind of man you would want to father your children? By the way you spoke about him, I would hope the answer is no. So why waste your precious time on him when you could spend it finding a man who is actually husband material?
@@bell4898 I have to say, you just nailed it! Every person that you consider for a partner, you should ask yourself if you would be happy with him for the rest of your life. I’ve been married for over 40 years & I did ask myself that very question. The fact that you’ve learned this in 26 years of life puts you in a good place. And I wasn’t even looking when I found my husband, nor was he my type.
But he’s given me love, two beautiful daughters & the security I lacked as a kid. It’s never easy, but it’s worth the work.
If you're still feeling "LONELY" you aren't ready yet. I've been celibate for 4.5 years & I no longer feel a need to have a man in my life anymore. I sometimes want a romantic relationship but am free of most of that desire now. I live just for me now & am feeling sexier & more lovable than ever after 46 years of abusive relationships.
I agree Anna, I don’t think that we actively seek out toxic relationships. It seems to me it’s like a blind spot . After we are involved later it hits us.
But after awhile we learn
Yep!
When a person tells you (shows you) who they are, believe them.
It's quite simple, if someone values you highly, you will have no doubt of it.
And, how you value yourself sets how others will value you.
Most of us have problem with that. We need to restore our own self worth and esteem.
Then we can attract people who value us appropriately.
@@m2pozad Well, I was considered attractive and I always disregarded a distant cousin who would say mean spirited things to me like your looks will fade but I will always have my money..
And her sister would say things like I only hang out with other heiresses... After asking an enormous favor of me..
They used to use me to go out and pick up more attractive men with some intelligence.
Once target was acquired, I might get left behind.
I never sought them out they sought me out.
It's been decades now and they have not changed.
One has had physical augmentation number of times. The other married 5 or 6 times and became morbidly obese.
But they still have their money and I am still not an heiress..
What I find most distressing Is that 1 got me when I was extremely vulnerable to write their medical school essay for admission and I reluctantly produced one.
This person had dropped out of high school to get married gotta GED and did earn what we called a gentleman's c in undergrad.
They actually got into medical school with grades that low.
But that's not the worst of it, this person had a serious criminal juvenile record.. For dealing drugs and violence.
their reputations were horrific And under the guise of kinship friendship they reached out and used me and did their best to destroy my reputation as repayment.
Worse is this person's relative ignorance of basic biology is astounding and makes me fearful for our entire medical system.
Personally I have experienced so much medical error in my life that it is alarming and I have familial anecdotal information as well..
I used to complain with everyone else until I realized that I had helped create that very problem. Surely I was not unique in that I used my writing skill and the fact that I had been preparing for professional school since elementary school to produce a stellar letter.... For someone else.
I wish I could say I did it for something base like payment, no I was ill, wrongfully medicated and unknowingly being poisoned by a heavily regulated pesticide that has now been banned world wide.. That was the moment of weakness this person caught me in..
And after I provided it and they steam cleaned their reputation with their family's money, I became a threat because I knew the truth.
This was a distant relation who only kept contact with me in order to use my parent's name.
That was a heavy price to pay.
It took me some years to comprehend that I was in a family full of narcissists immediate and extended, and those with the most money usually win.
One of them even stalked me for years. And they knew I was an assault survivor.
Once I started educating myself seriously on narcissism which I have done for the last 8 years now, The real problem was how to conduct your life away from their prying.
With any piece of information they were capable of doing great damage even if it was benign. If I got good news, I could be sure there would be some catastrophe or disaster happening.
It took some time to see the pattern but it was there and oddly enough others warned me. I was so stupid and loyal that 2 of the one that married so often ex husband's told me how much this person hated me and additionally so did 2 of the boyfriends they did not marry her.
I literally am a walking textbook for this topic.
It is so extraordinary what I went through I cannot believe it and that few people I still hold dear that know me well can hardly believe it either.
It ultimately paralyzed me.
And the irony is I 1st came across Scott Peck's book, children of the lie, in the late eighties or early nineties.
I remember some of what he was describing seeming so familiar and yet I was so overwhelmed with events at the time I was not able to further take time to actually Digest it... And were importantly take action upon it.
But it truly took me decades to comprehend.
I feel like a walking textbook on the subject. I still get panic attacks at times certain that I am really a nark myself and have convinced myself otherwise...
And I am for the 2nd or maybe 3rd time going into the phase where I am going to be accused of being the narc by the narcs.
I wouldn't care anymore you see, but they got my only child. They got to me when I was so vulnerable after a number of deaths and he was so very young.
But it is my fault, I allowed him to go around these people and this is what I got.
A big abyss full of nothing.
So you see there's another part of the equation, when dealing with narcissists always remember that the one with the most money will usually have the upper hand and of course use it.
This means that anytime you gain the upper hand, and you will, the wheel of life goes round and round, you must be prepared to use it.
I am just so thankful that all of this information is out here.
If only it had been available several decades ago it would have changed the course of my life.
Rarely A-day goes by that I don't watch my favorite counselors.
I'm working up my courage to try and enroll in a course even though I know I'm more likely need intensive individual therapy.
At times I get overwhelmed at how many years this took of my life not to mention the quality.
Let me just savor this sentence a bit more...
*_"We're here trying to figure out how to connect and love."_*
- Anna 💝 🌼
Thank you for your videos Anna. Recently an ex from 12 years ago came back into my life and left me heart broken - again. We matched on a dating app and he was so persistent in seeing me he put in so much effort. Guess he missed his fan girl. 24 hours later he left me devastated again when he told me he still wasn't over his ex and he couldn't offer me anything. This time instead of just taking it I sent him a message telling him to never contact me again and that I hoped someone would come into his life who would get his hopes up and break his heart like he did to me. I promptly blocked him afterwards but it left me feeling so empowered, like a leech had been pulled off of my heart.
Damn, you would think that amount of time would be enough for him to have changed. Sorry this happened.
👏👏👏👏🥰🥰
You must be like a fruit inspector with people, observe their "actions" not their words. Then make 2 lists: a list of qualities you want in a mate and also a list of deal breakers, these 2 lists will help you create boundaries to keep the trash out. 3 Enforce your boundaries.
My people pleasing/codependence helped in my childhood to cope/survive. I was DEPENDANT on my abusive parents/guardians to SURVIVE (it felt like life or death)! Those twisted perceptions followed me to adulthood & ruined all my relationships. Damn it.
Standards, boundaries, and expectations are how we find compatible and respectful people who are more than capable of fulfilling our emotional needs!!
It’s the exact opposite of controlling because we aren’t trying to covertly manipulate people into changing themselves and obeying us, it’s direct and responsible communication that smokes out the users and abusers.
It’s the only way to avoid cruel narcissists like our parents.
Let’s all feel comfortable and strong in a completely natural and matter-of-fact way in our boundaries and requirements! I hope that we can all get to get point someday very soon.
Let’s all be more respectful of our own needs than our parents and guardians ever could be, we deserve to be honored, treated with compassion, and justly accommodated.
Listening to this was kind of frightening because all the messed up ideas she had about having boundaries is kind of exactly what women have been conditioned to believe by the 'culture'. So many men gaslight and try to make it seem like our boundaries are 'problematic' and a burden. Usually when I set them the guy loses interest VERY quickly.
Fastest way to lose the interest of a guy who is ‘so into you’ and you’re ‘his best deepest connection’, who is super kind/considerate and sends you sweet affectionate words throughout the day - is to say you won’t sleep with people unless they date & love you back. And that you have a vetting process 😂😂😂. Congrats you found the ‘deep loving feelings’ turn off button 😂 how much they lie about their feelings just to use you up for sex or attention is insane
I’ve been in this loop. Now that I have established my boundaries and healed some wounds that had me flying by the seat of my pants, I was finally able to speak boundaries and feelings to repeat offenders who pop back up (and I allow them in multiple times) they literally RUN. And I feel happy that I have finally healed myself in that area and I am ready for a full loving relationship that leads to marriage. Actually saying and confessing that shows progress!
What a clear example of someone who has been conditionned to believe that their feelings are wrong...she feels bad about her feelings that are something she needs to listen to in order to create great boundaries and raise her standards. I think her strong chemistry is also a danger sign... we often feel strong chemistry to someone who is emotionally dangerous as a parent has been. Been there, done that. Great information and analysis and advise Crappy Childhood Fairy! God bless you!
He'll just "go scurrying away under the refrigerator!" Brilliant
Just don't pursue the "relationship" when it doesn't feel right. The bad boys are actually broken and your brokenness is attracted to their brokenness. Heal yourself and go for a guy that is good for you and you for them.
We put up with mistreatment because of low self esteem. Love your channel!
This is very helpful. I just left a guy who made me experience existential dread every time he would violate my boundaries. Any time I set a boundary with him, he left. It happened twice, the third time I just blocked him.
Good taking care of yourself!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Very helpful advice♥️ What we say we want should always match our actions, in order to be taken seriously, avoid encouraging time wasters, and be in a good mental state to attract good people
"He'll go scurrying away under the refrigerator" Your descriptions are so colorful. Love it!!!
Simple advice for ladies, like him more than he likes you is the recipe for heart break.
This was helpful for me as I attract this type a lot. Endless texting and flirting but no action
Whaaaat is the point why do they do this? Lol
Their life are boring so they try to find someone who could fill the void.
@@waeruo ego boost
@@waeruo by you responding and flirting back, they feel valued and that is all they want
Every time we shut the door on people who do this (cultivate our interest and harvest our energy, but keep emotional distance) an angel gets its wings - and *we* get stronger and clearer. I promise. Self abandonment is the opposite... it's re-traumatizing. I let a man string me along for 3 years and at the time I was hugely conflicted. On the one hand I was proud of how 'modern' I was to have this non-committal sexual / occasional companionship relationship with a man who had no care whatsoever for my well-being. And on the other hand I was a complete disregulated wreck, always trying to be who he wanted - and always going without the deeper connection that I wanted. Don't be like me. Don't diminish or de-prioritize yourself to get his approval. I promise he's not worth it, and I promise you ARE.
This is the most honest and brilliant video I have watched.
The entire mental health community has let me down. When I would tell mental health professionals that my issues were due to a traumatic childhood, they dismissed me and sometimes scolded me. They re-traumatized me.
You have such a wonderful gift that you are sharing truthfully and brilliantly concerning C-PTSD
I understand everything that you talk about.
Your living proof healing can happen.
Thanks for sharing your gift and giving all of us HOPE.
Thank you!
If you don't know what you want, you'll get whatever anyone else gives you, and no more. Just like, if you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else.
When someone really likes you, there is no decoding to do. It should be clear and if it's not and they make you feel awful in any way, it's time to cut it off and move on. No one deserves to be treated that way. My last relationship made me utterly miserable and now I feel like I am finally figuring out how to fix this and hopefully, one day, attract the right person. I need a lot more work but feel excited for the future.
You are solving life long problems just by reading and reflecting on these letters. I can't even begin to say how much weight it has released me from. Thank you for doing what you are doing!
So mom didn't love me. I picked women that didn't know how to love and then tried to fix them.
How stupid does that sound?
However, it wasn't until I was completely destroyed by one of these women that I recognized what it was that was going on.
I was looking for my mom to love me through someone else.
I'm currently not interested in getting into a relationship because I have so much going on in my life right now and there's still more I need to do whilst I'm single... but I'll watch this for when I feel I am ready to share my heart with someone special.
I thank Sophie and I thank you for this video. It's a change of mindset: in order to receive the love we want, we must reject the ones who gives us the opposite.
That guy is a master manipulator. You cannot shut your boundaries for anyone
He forgot about the podcast but didn't forget about the rest. Ya ya of course he did. He was not into that unfortunately.
We deserve all that we desire and the right person will come to help us reach to that. It does feel good to have people helping us in life. These relationships are the way the universe wakes us up to level up and open space for the things we desire to come in, by triggering unhealed parts and then healing them
This is so painful but necessary.. this happens to me and I'm recovering.
We always unconsciously choose partners who can recreate what we know and not what we need. Unfortunately parents don't understand they hard wire their children that will determine the dynamics of future relationships.
19:06 Absolutely ! He made that clear with his words, and by his action. As Maya Angelo said " When a person show you who they are believe them . " She perhaps want to leave external relationships for a while ,and just focus on HER . Being single is liberating! Meditate 🧘♂️... Go back to your childhood traumas and take baby steps to heal by releasing what you can, and making peace with those you can't. The healing starts however ,when you're able to look at the lessons learned . Forgive your dad or anyone else who has " hurt " you . Ask yourself this , could they have done better ? What were their childhood like ? It's a lot ,and it nit easy ,but that's the start to freedom .
this relationship literally sounds like the one that my ex had with another girl whilst he was still with and living with me except he knew he would never be able to meet up with them. so their 'relationship' was strictly online messaging and video chat, purely cringey flirting-i would hear the conversions they had with eachother (it would last hours) and it would be as empty as anything-they wanted connection but there was no real connection. I found out about that cheating FAST and GTFOuta there.
a relationship shouldn't give you anxiety in the bad way, i've got myself with someone now who I can talk to about ANYTHING and he tell me ANYTHING so we can navigate the best way to give each other what we want
“Steve” is a Grown Boy, Not a man.
I love how you take your time to decipher those lengthy letters and are really going deep in your analysis and advice! It shows your respect for the writers and your wish to help them understand themselves better. Thanks for your kindness ❤
Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm so glad this letter was sent to u. It's as if I wrote it to u, myself. As an adult female with asd, it is extremely difficult to read people. 🙁 I have become extremely isolated, I don't want to get to know anyone, because of the fear of getting used all over again. The 1 person I do hang around with, is EXACTLY how this woman described the person she has an interest in. (I wonder if we are seeing the same person.🤔) deep sigh, I wish I knew all of this growing up, it would of saved me alot of wasted time, and hurt.
I hear that! Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Some situations feel familiar, so we get drawn in. If we are not aware that theirs/your behaviour is dysfunctional we keep riding that roller coaster.
Here's to getting off 'that' hamster wheel 💪
Agreed! I don't think people realize how much of a role "familiarity" plays in relationships. It can definitely keep you in a cycle of toxic relationships.
@@jarretthardcastle83 most definitely
Yes, it's seems that she feels guilty for wanting boundaries. Sometimes growing up in a co-dependent parental relationship we can feel guilty for that.
The magic words that ruin lives; "meant to be." No, no, no. No one is destined to be with someone who doesn't want them, except in fairytales, Christian romance novels, and Disney movies.
Dear Anna, your kindness and compassion make me smile. I am crying, because I am thinking back to the person in my life who I believed was "the be all and end all" of partners. I was wrong. I loved being "a part of" his family; as they so lovingly welcomed me. But as time went on, my neediness, my insecurity, my abandonment issues really took a toll. I believe that I actually taught him to treat me poorly, in the end; because I didn't know how to verbalize the turmoil of the uncertainty of safety that I felt inside. I'm starting to realize, that I don't think that I EVER had a great love. I don't think I ever will. Truth hurts. But at least I can accept that. I am learning a lot from your teachings. Thank you for your loving guidance.
Anna, you don't have to have CPTSD, to get drawn into these kind of reIationships. These guys are every where in aII age groups. They are IoneIy, bored and Iazy. It's easy to find plenty of "female friends" to keep these conversations going keeping them entertained and fishing for free sex. They can't make any real connections or you would find out how IoneIy and or shaIIow their Iives really are. There are plenty of channels on youtube to teach these men how to bait and switch up their actions so they control the narrative. And these flirtations that are so flattering are just reverse ego stroking back at them to create and fiII their boring Iives.
True!
The moment I finally realized and prioritized how I felt about myself and the time spent with someone after the encounter was over…… MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED……thank God for such a blessing!
What happens when the man respect you, values you, says he sees potential but doesn’t love you yet. It’s been 6 months of dating though we’ve known one another for 3 years. I love him but he doesn’t express love for me, even when I ask.
I would love to write you, but I’m afraid I can’t write as wonderfully as the letters you read on air! Thank you for all you do for us.
I don't think she ever made writing wonderful letters a requirement. And it's also not like if you don't want her to mention your name, she will still do it anyway. So I think if getting help is important, then reaching out shouldn't be a problem
Sometimes I edit letters a little so the writing will be easy to understand. I welcome your letter
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Where can i send you letter, thank you!?
I wrote this letter and I felt like I was just all over the place and terrified, seeking help! I wrote Anna in a time of deep confusion and pain and definitely didn't see my letter as kindly as you did. So, I say this to encourageyou to write and just share what you need to and ask what you need to 😊
I don’t think it matters more what he says or when. What really matters is if you are getting what you need and want in relationships. Do not wait for him to behave in a certain way. Move on and find someone who can provide for you what you need.
I needed this one. Thanks so much.. I’ve been in the same situation, same thoughts and feelings as this lady.. I learned my lesson a long time ago with being the “non-bitchy” “non-demanding” girlfriend in hopes that he would stick around... But what made me comment was the fact that I’m the same age.. I thought that I would be so done with these insecurities by now.. This video helped me get more clarity as to the reason why I swore off marriage... For the younger ladies: try your best to work on your insecurities, not just for a relationship but for your overall mental health ~~~
Let me just say,as a person who really struggles how to get thoughts out of my head,and into words,or writing,what a great job she did of explaining what was going on in her life with this letter,at least all isnt lost yet! Lol.because you really did great "letter writer" i finally got to put your words with how i felt somtimes with my version of "steve" and that was great!thank you
I'm trans and that adds to a lot of my issues. I have cptsd, but the amount of available people is greatly diminished. If LGBT people make up 5% of the population, my available partners are diminished by at least 45%. So when my issues flare up and I ruin relationships, I become extra lonely.
I've literally tried to have a dysfunctional relationship where I was used. I've tried to be used just so I could have something, and even that fails. It's like I'm not worth even being acknowledged. I just want to feel something and that isn't readily available for me.
I struggle not to lose motivation. The saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea" doesn't apply to me.
“It matters who we bond with, it’s our decision “ - too true, I’m going to share that. 20:18
“A guy like Steve will go scurrying under the refrigerator.” Hahaha! The best line of the video 🙌🏻
So far you're one of only a couple people who caught that!
Time stamp, please 😭
What that suppose to mean ???can someone tell me?
It makes me think of mice and/or cockroaches: relentlessly scanning around for crumbs and juicy morsels, but quickly hiding ("under the refrigerator"), as soon as steps are heard or lights are turned on. An analogy, I think, for the cowards, the thieves, the toxic ones within relationships.
This letter is so triggering for me. That's my life and it does hurt very much to say it out loud. Gosh, it hurts, but it's a good hurt.
Thank you for this video.
"if you let it, will ruin your life and run it right into the ground!" Amen and hallelujah, fairy!
I’m the odd woman out with this belief but here it is: flirting is dangerous. Flirting is not harmless. Stop doing it. It leads people on and creates expectations that lead to disappointment. Flirting is NOT okay.
I agree. My limerence was activated and actively encouraged for two years by an older man. He loved to flirt with me.I eventually believed he was in love with me. He wasn't--he was leading me on and playing a sick game with me. A whole lot of flirting, but no authenticity from him.
@@Areutherehello I had a similar experience with a coworker. Come to find out that he was married! I wanted to end him. My limerence immediately evaporated when I found out that he was married. In fact, he has a lot to do with my attitude toward flirting because I learned the hard way that it benefits the person who starts it, not the target. He hasn't changed at all, but *I* have.
How are people going to find a mate if they can't flirt?
Don't waste your time. He's a user, player and a jerk.
I know for me I have actually been turned off by sex from the disappoint from sex being the only thing they want from me when I want love, affection, and companionship. And maybe now I associate sex to being rejection and trauma idk. Ugh I’m so depressed about all the mistakes I’ve made just adding to the CPTSD. Long road ahead for sure. Being nice has not severed me well at all.
I too associate sex with trauma, abandonment and rejection. Wtf do we do about this?
It is meaningfully shocking to hear that ‘That is a child’s thinking.’ Wow :(
You’re so so so correct we need to name what we want. And to believe it’s possible.
The naming is step one of the reality of achieving it. If we are of a split mind about wanting something, I see now that we need to recognize that divide and to explore why…
Thanks for the wake-up call.
I had trouble figuring out what I wanted.
None of the videos for "men" really helped,
this one actually addresses the root of my issues
and helps me figure out who to avoid and what to look for.
It also taught me, that I shouldn't stick around too long
and wait for an eternity for her to make a move,
when I'm unsure if that's actually going to go somewhere.
I dated someone similar. The fact he use to have sex with men, but now a Christian. In his church, gay was sinful. I asked if he wasn’t a “Christian”, would he be having sex with men or women? He answered “Neither.” He couldn’t be honest. He was the guest preacher so charismatic the congregation clapped as he was walking to the pulpit. It was nuts. I’m glad I didn’t marry him. He was gay but too afraid of being out.
Letting go and moving on is the very brave action.
The fairy pencil is a fairy wand. You are the best!
Wow. This was soooo helpful! I feel like the writer of that letter is a kindred spirit. While there are some differences, I could have written that letter myself. I have an aversion to formal fancy dates, always have, but for me, it's because there's always expectations attached to it. I am extremely uncomfortable stating what I want and I feel shame and anxiety any time I'm in a position where I have to say no to something. I seem to think it's not ok to not like something. The big difference is, I tend to preemptively cut people out if there's a possibility I'll have to say no to something, which I'm aware is very toxic. I just want to avoid any situation where there's even a remote possibility that I'll have to not do what they want me to do because it makes me feel terrible. I overthink it and then duck out before it even gets there. I don't imagine there's a possibility of a meaningful relationship. I automatically assume they aren't interested in me as an actual person.... they only want to have sex with me and everything they say is an attempt to do so. With the guy I went out with recently, I found myself thinking he was only asking me to out because no one else was available or because he's going through some sort of mental health crisis and needed to get laid 🤦♀️😅
I want someone who likes my personality and likes me where I'm at, flaws and all. I want someone who doesn't mind going slow on the physical stuff and gives me space to breathe. I want someone who really loves having me around even *in the absence of sex*. I want someone who is genuine and who wants a serious relationship. I want the intimacy of a best friend, with sexual chemistry, who can be an actual partner someday... someone who will be part of my team through the trials of life.
Currently, my overanalyzing anxiety prone mind is getting in the way of giving anyone a chance. I won't let anyone in. My phone auto generates ways to reject people or cancel plans. This guy I'm interested in asked me out. I actually went this time and unfortunately, we both drank too much and slept together 🤦♀️. I had a lot of fun through the entire night (no negative thoughts or feelings) but felt worthless and embarrassed afterwards, not because of anything he did or didn't do. He was very sweet and has texted me every day since. I just repeatedly scolded myself in my own head, telling myself I'm stupid, ugly, and trashy. I was sure sleeping with him was a huge mistake because I believed there was a zero percent chance he'd have any respect for me after that. Plus, I had just set the tone for a hook up style connection, which i don't want. Even though he had continued to text me, i was afraid to let him know i still liked him because i had already lost enough of my self worth and I wasn't about to chase him. Then, he asked me out again, suggesting we don't drink so much, which i thought was nice. I agreed but also thought he just wants to hook up again. Then, he said he really likes me and I'm still over here thinking he's looking for a booty call. I've already planned how I'm going to cancel at the last minute and never talk to him again. My friend thinks I should go and tell him exactly what I do and do not want and see what happens but I'm scared I'll have to say no to sex and that's not ok, right? It's expected now, right? I imagine an awkward night and leaving feeling rejected or worse, giving in and feeling trashy. So, I planned to avoid it all together. Maybe I should go and see what happens when I tell him I'm not interested in casual sex....? I don't typically have sex with people like that. I was in an abusive marriage for 20 years. I divorced 3 years ago. I haven't really dated until now because I just sorta reject everyone the moment I think I'll have to be vulnerable in any way. Over the past 2 years, i started dating profiles and chatted with lots of guys but the moment i realized i would need to meet someone and be vulnerable, I deleted all my profiles. Maybe it's time I follow through and see what happens. I'm confident I'll be just fine if he's not interested in me after I tell him what I do and don't want. I feel very peaceful alone, so it's truly ok with me if it doesn't work out. The big question is if i believe I'll be loyal to myself or if I'll feel i need to do whatever he wants 🤔. Maybe trying it will reduce my anxiety going forward the way going to more job interviews makes you less anxious about job interviews? Maybe i should approach this like a practice exam... there's no final grade, just practice. If I bomb, it's a learning experience, right? It's training and part of my healing journey. I think I'm going to try it 😬. I think I can do this 🚂 💪
You can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you!
I can relate to all of what you’re saying. At this time frame I’m doing a complete turnaround and bound and determined to focus on me. I allowed myself to be hypnotized and the therapist told me that I needed to get in contact with my younger child and once I do that I needed to tell that child, as an adult, that I was going to protect and love her. I failed to do that and when that happened I experienced more than I expected and not in a good way. What a life changer. 😟
Thanks tons yet again for your channel, your kind/understanding yet thorough way of explaining such dysfunctions/traumas etc. I'm 40 now & just starting to comprehend why my love life has constantly struggled. I hope I finally get it "right" & find a life partner/companion/best friend & lover all in 1!
Right there with you, same age and situation! 💖
The same here... raised by a narc mom with bad relationships...
It’s crazy how many of these letters relate eerily similar to my own.
Glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
i think its really upsetting how many people don’t know about love and boundaries properly, like how heartbreaking
This video is awesome and so are you. You’re helping so many people heal, including myself ❤️
Lol. This is a description of my dating relationship with my now husband and has often characterized our marriage of 15 years. I am committed to my marriage (and so is my husband) and trying to still figure out these issues. I would say that it is the work of a lifetime. I think I have accepted that there isn't a perfect person to be married to ( certainly including me) and that alanon has really helped me work on myself in a way that has dramatically improved my relationship with my husband.if i would talk to my younger self i would say Focus on you. Have integrity! Stay in your lane. To thy own self be true!
The anxious dancing with the avoidant?
Sophie, you are awesome! I've been doing all of the things you have been, wanting to feel loved and desired, sexy. Walking away feeling crappy. Thank you so much for writing in, it's so great to not feel alone, and to get some understanding of what I'm doing, and to also hear it out loud, helps me make sense of what is really going on, thank you, chin up
It's crazy how having such low self esteem means that the idea of somebody actually wanting to be with us feels like such a lie, that we end up trying to squeeze love out of somebody that doesn't want us because at least they are here in front of us for the present moment. Waiting for the person that "wants us" feels like a dumb and unreachable dream. :(
it's so sad to hear how this woman totally sabotages herself with this other person who should be set firmly in the rearview mirror
You were spot on with the blind spot and self-sabotage. I select people from adverse backgrounds (because I tell myself I cannot relate to emotionally healthy people, but I never even tried). I fall all in and miss those times I am mistreated. I self-sabotage as if to protect myself from further damage... I am in therapy now. My latest relationship was off again on again. When we reconnected recently I was all in. He lovebombed me, sent provocative texts daily, etc. I discovered recently that "because we never discussed our relationship goals," he ended up disclosing he was "going on dates with other women." He told me he wasn't the boyfriend type...and I failed to believe him. The most painful thing was realizing I was not enough.
You are a true healer. Thank you with tears and tender smile.
Wowwwww I was so struck when you said that the reasoning part of our brain, in those of us who have CPTSD, goes dark when we enter relationships and that the emotional part of our brain lights up! So basically, we are reasoning with pure emotion. How do we counteract that? I need to know to prevent it from ever happening again after my last relationship. All my common sense and reasoning was non existent! And I really paid the price on so many levels. Just now recovering almost 2 years later and I NEVER want my reasoning abilities to go dark on me again. I’ve become a complete hermit to protect myself and want to come out of hermit mode.
30:00 💎
THANK YOU 😔🙏
*I want to feel respected, loved and taken seriously as a potential partner*
I needed this video so so much ❤️ This is what happens when people use their voices to reach out and their cries are heard and answered 🙏🏼 Thank you to both beautiful women involved 🙏🏼
43:00
I used to pour over MSN dating articles about dating, hoping that someone would talk me out of feeling like "dates" are toxic, but every article made it clearer and clearer that the entire tradition revolves around toxic pretense. It is much more romantic *and* much more healthy to connect over *real* life that if anything would make a point of *not* venturing outside of what day in & day out life would really look for you as a couple. That particular thing may not be someone shutting out real love, even if they also do. It may actually be that they just have a healthy gag reflex for narcissistic love bombing: the grand gestures in place of socio-emotional reliability.
Also, I would prefer a financially wise partner to one who wanted to spend money on status symboly crud.
Getting out of the house can be healthy for the individuals, but a smart person can sense that shared healthyness even if their outings are separate.
Mutual emotional support & best-friend-ly laughter over leftovers for the win!....
I recently began dating again, there is one person that is not as attractive physically, but they make me feel so safe! They are not pushy at all. I even did a little test, but I was being for real, I was like, can we go back to emails for a while? I don't feel comfortable yet talking on the phone, or texting you. They were like, absolutely! Whatever you feel comfortable with. I know I need to keep looking for red flags every step of the way, and that I will do.
I used to be one of those people, that if someone said they wanted to take it slow, what I heard was, I'm not attracted to you!😂🤣 Now, when someone says, I'd like to take it slow, and actually does it LOL, I'm like wow, what a turn on!🙃
I think it's very wise what you said about the narc abuse and BPD.
Thank God for RUclips, and Anna Runkle. And for people like yourself, that take time, and help us all. Peace from Tulsa.☮️♥️
@@stacyjaye6350 I'm glad you're growing in your preference for less addictive relational styles! :-) I hope that your relationship works out as something beautiful, whether or not it proves compatible for a couplehood!
Ive just come upon your page and i thank you. You have helped to settle my mind and heart in the fact, i can heal from cptsd, that i am of value, i am lovable and desirable and should be treated as such with respect. Finally, im not crazy or dreaming of the impossible
Oh yes! Delicious hope!
That letter is exhausting and I only made it as far as 9 minutes in. If you're not being treated with respect and consideration, leave. I don't think it needs discussing and negotiating. I've wasted too much time and energy on men who aren't nice and I think it's something they are picking up on but I won't tolerate any more. I think of the phrase "he's just not that into you" does the trick.
@@danilaroche1156 thanks for the compliment regarding writing, I do love to write. As for being naive, maybe so. I also believe people develop at various stages. I'm better now than I was 5 years ago. I also have OCD which makes it hard for me to discern reality from my thoughts when im triggered, ruminating endlessly is a compulsion (just diagnosed last year).
@@danilaroche1156 thanks for the compliment regarding writing, I do love to write. As for being naive, maybe so. I also believe people develop at various stages. I'm better now than I was 5 years ago. I also have OCD which makes it hard for me to discern reality from my thoughts when im triggered, ruminating endlessly is a compulsion (just diagnosed last year).
To me it was all about trying to discern what is respect and consideration when you have spent a long time convincing yourself that people's behavior was better than it was, or being manipulated and gaslit so much that he couldn't trust yourself.
This video was amazing. That letter felt so personal, almost every thing that she said is or was in my mind. It really felt as if I had wrote that letter. Thank you so much for this video, I understand so much about me now and I feel a little more confident about my judgement and how to proceed from now on. I cannot thank you enough, from the bottom of my heart ❤
Wonderful! Thank you for watching and for taking the time to comment. Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
What I need is a script - if x happens/he says y, then I need to say z. I'm learning that I deserve more but I don't know how to communicate any of this :(
I completely understand that... I'm the same way & usually end up being misinterpreted by the guy.
Even in friendships too.
The Dating course helps a lot but I hear you, it takes real healing and effort to believe in our real worth and communicate accordingly.
-Cara@TeamFairy
It seems odd that I’m such a late bloomer and only experienced this type of relationship after two marriages that were fairly normal. It was me who felt a bit smothered. I didn’t want the marriages.
At age 40 I met my first user. I was so confused &miserable when the relationship was on & off. Currently I’m in the off stage but he’s like a drug I want him still but refrain from reaching out. I have a plan if he does reach out…I hope I’m strong enough to take back my power! He had for far too long.
My goodness, you are immensely full of such wisdom and knowledge Anna! Bless you! I am utterly grateful for you.
Thank you for your comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
It’s so helpful to hear these letters and the thorough examination of what’s being written. 🙏
You are worthy of attention, respect and love 💛
Its time women stopped putting such importance on men. Most married women are miserable. Pay 50% of the bills and he has way more money and then work twice as hard. Think about it.
By the time you are approaching 40 the men who wanted to settle, already have. Majority of people left are perpetual teenagers who have perfected the art of preying on lonely women and how to progressively reduce the effort they put to pursue women. it's got to the point where they won't even travel the women for hookup instead expect the women to come and service them and get out before day break. you can walk away from unhealthy situations accepting it's a long lonely road ahead.
This is what I call a trauma-driven belief. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I traveled 6000km to visit a man who was so different from the one I use to talk on the phone. I felt so lonely, unlovable, undesirable, not attractive. Never again
It's not a long, lonely road ahead. It is much better to be on your own than with the wrong person and regardless of age there are good people out there. I totally get the "pool" is much smaller as we age but it's still there. Enjoy your freedom, family, health and the lack of stress which the wrong person piles on you in abundance. Waiting for that phone call, waiting for their answer, waiting for commitment - no way. Life is short - treasure what you have, be grateful, improve yourself where improvement is needed (every single person needs this), heal and be grateful fo your blessings.
Wow, this video triggered me throughout and was very needed as I contemplate ending a semi-relationship which I'm not comfortable with or enjoying, but feel uncomfortable ending. Thank you
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I loved your video and it had such great analysis. I m sure you did not intentionally want to put down people all they want is just sex or go straight to sex with no emotion. It did however sound like that a couple of times. You are very right about finding the person that really matches your desires and expectations whether that is an emotional and physical or just a physical relationship. Both are equally fine to me as long as both parties are looking for the same thing
Too much wasted time trying to figure out and cater to men. I stopped dating a decade ago and love every minute of my independence from the drama. Live your own life, have your own career, toys, interests. Don’t wait for some guy to fulfill you.
Your hair looks perfect! I love it ♥️