It is absolutely heartbreaking to try loving an avoidant man. He says he’s in love with me. But I scare him. I feel like a yo-yo being jerked around and played with. I’ve cried more tears for this man. It is draining me.
These men are confusing as hell. Get out while you can. The trouble is they don’t only avoid closeness, they avoid dealing with their own emotions, past and shortcomings, thus leading to inauthenticity. They make unhealthy partners for those looking for emotionally mature, stable and healthy relationships.
Was with an avoidant for 18 months. We both felt love like never before. Until he sabotaged the relationship by coping with other women and telling me over text- “I love you completely and want only you. I’m not looking for anything else. But I’m not in a place where I can provide you with what you need and deserve. I’m just not in a great place right now. I’m sorry.” I introduced him to attachment styles.. he started therapy during our relationship, that lasted a month. Feeling vulnerable in any way scared him. It’s been two and a half months since that text he sent. I’ve heard nothing from him, probably won’t. Love these videos.. thank you for this.
Excellent video! Have beendating an "avoidant" for little over a year and he worked hard to get close to me until,yes, I am now very much in love with him. But even though I have a Masters in Psych plus I have worked on getting to know myself, sometimes I feel like he is "just too much work". I totally agree w u that he probably has more needs than I do, but I haven't told him how much in love I am bec I am too dam afraid that he will put his running shoes on😂,!!! Thanks You helped me see it all in a much clearer light!!!❤
@2:41 "... a true avoidant man can destabilize any woman, even one with a secure attachment style ..." No truer words have ever been spoken. Thank you - I'm glad I found your channel. Cheers!
What battles me is why they seek for a relationship in the first place. If you are not in a proper state of mind for healthy commuttment, it is better to be with yourself. Don't put yourself out there when you are not ready to commit or take responsibility. Don't put anyone deserving or undesersing of you whatever is your take on this in any situation where they begin to doubt their selfworth. Don't reach out to women who wants genuine conncetions. Focus on yourself or whatever you think you value, marriage is truly not for everybody. It takes two to tangle.
You're like a wise older brother telling us like it is! I had a brief relationship with an avoidant. He discarded me when things were going well, came back off and on for a year. Now I guess he's gone for good since it's been 3 months since I've heard from him. I miss him still but my life is much more peaceful with him not contacting me. I had no idea what an avoidant was until I met him. One of those lessons you didn't know you needed to learn.
Avoid emotionally stunted avoidants at all costs, unless of course you are addicted to misery, pain and suffering, in which case they are perfect for you.
@@carolynsmith6738 ….”emotionally bankrupt” is a slightly nicer way of saying “emotionally stunted”, either way they are emotionally unavailable aren’t they ?
That's what I thought about my ex, he's emotionally immature and unintelligent in spite of being 10 years older than me. He runs away at any slight inconveniences and bails out. His emotional level is that of a teen in spite of him in his late 30s.
@@winterkai12 ….yep, unfortunately age is no barrier to emotional unavailability and when it comes to relationships it often makes for loneliness due to an inability to connect on an intimate level. You’re definitely better off without him but it’s still really hard isn’t it ?
@@cspace1234nz I always felt like he was emotionally available and we connected in an intimate and deeper level, however, he has avoidant tendencies that actually sabotaged the relationship and it was a lot of push-and-pull, hot and cold behaviour then. It made me so anxious. And I felt like he's not made for long-term relationships as he can't handle conflicts well or tries to avoid any hard conversations in the relationship. The way he handle things is that of a teen instead of a man his age. He wanted something easy and pleasurable all the time, when things get hard, he's out. And yes, I'm better off without him. But now that I understand his avoidant tendencies, I hope he can go to therapy which he isn't doing because he refuses help in general unless it's to get government benefits. Extremely hard at the beggining, but the way he disregarded me and my feelings moving on so fast to someone new sealed the deal for me.
I was in a relationship for 5 years. Initially he was so in love he used to do many things without even saying anything. But after a certain time when things started to get serious when I started to do the same thing for him and he started pushing me away. And created certain boundaries which didn'tmake sense to me but since I loved him I have accepted it. And this continued for 1 and a half year. He used to say the same thing that you have mentioned in the video that I am being sensitive and overly emotional,not practical enough. But I couldn't hold onto it anymore since I was not getting the love or attention. I was lonely. And I have decided to leave him. And he didn't say anything and he just let me go. But after ending the relationship he acted as if his world has ended but he didn't even try to keep me. I was very confused and I have lost myself for trying so hard for so long. Thank you so much for clarifying many things.
He said " I must be careful with you, not to hurt you, cause you're too emotional" and he ghosted me for 5 months..... I have feelings for him, but I'm done. I have my personal trauma to deal with, I've never needed any extra traumatic experiences...
Calling you oversensitive is 🚩, if your former friends & people who knew you well don’t think so about you. In the book Attached there are quotes of how an avoidant reacts to any expressions of needs and desire to be close. A guy who played mindgames with me used to say those too. They were worded in the same way. you’re oversensitive was repeated to me often enough i started to have a shame wound around behing a human with feelings. Ironically, with other people I didn’t feel such strong emotions, and usually my mood is neutral, no feelings, unless i interact with people. I’m not oversensitive, sometimes I don’t even care. I wish i was feelingless, and aroace because trying to communicate with men or making any man care for you is just endless costs (of your time, energy, mental wellbeing) without benefits of getting loved or at least even cared for.
The best thing my avoidant ex did for me in the entire time we knew each other was to break up with me. I thank him for that as I was too committed to making it work. Now I am with a wonderful man who is caring, loving, affectionate, listens to me and is available for emotional support when I need it. He is both a friend and a lover and doesn’t freak out when I express my very normal needs. In a way my last relationship with an avoidant has made me appreciate my current partner sooo much more!
@@amnbvcxz8650 we met a year ago and have been exclusive since the summer. I took it slow because I was so afraid of ending up in the same switcharoo of him being great in the beginning and then getting comfortable and becoming someone else, like my ex did. I would say my attachment style of more secure due to the work on the self that I have done for years, but my last relationship brought me into deep anxious. I have worked on that so that now I am not afraid to express my needs, my feelings, and my desires with my new partner. He is definitely secure and he is consistent and reliable, which I have learned, are absolute requirements in my relationships. If I don't have that, I tend to abandon myself. Knowing this gives me such clarity that I don't have to doubt whether a relationship is right for me or not. If I don't have those two things, then clearly it is not right.
Please make more videos about avoidance men. I just left my fiance because he refused to get professional help. Yes he tried to get with me for a while and when he got me, he took me for granted and became scared due to his avoidant attachment issues. I became the blame always. You were right on about how they can make a secure person feel unsecured. I couldn't show any emotions and he became really scared when he showed emotions.he eventually became very toxic due to the need for control so I left as Iove is not enough. My mental well being is a priority and nobody can help a person who refuses to help them self
He likes me, he wants me, but fears the closeness he wants more than he wants it. He has some good qualities as a person and also believes he wants, an actually is, offereing a proper relationship. I was secure, but falling in love with him destabilised me. I still love him but......
Me too, he drifted away after 2 months. If he returns and wants to work on himself and I am willing and available, then we will see. Sad though. A lovely man.
@@Musicisthelanguageoflove Trauma creates the avoidant attachment, you have to be secure to support their healing journey, just as they have to be committed to healing. If they are not committed then walk away. I have to say, I 'd rather deal with an avoidant than a co-dependent!
Thank you for making sense of this, I’ve spent years trying to figure out why someone pushes me away while keeping me so close, it’s very heartbreaking and confusing but now I have a clearer understanding why
Dated an FA for a year and a half. Had no clue what attachment styles were until he discarded out of the blue with the “I don’t think I’m what you want or need” and the “I need to deal with my past”. 2 weeks later was “in a relationship” with the new girl. I ended up in therapy where I learned what an “avoidant” was. Hardest relationship I’ve ever had to get over. I have empathy for him but knowing what I know now, I’d never want to be in a relationship with someone who could treat another person so coldly. How anyone can justify throwing you away treating you like you never existed is beyond my comprehension. Those are serious emotional problems that I don’t think will ever be addressed. Avoidants AVOID. They happily go on their merry way telling themselves it was YOU, never taking accountability or self reflecting on anything. They don’t communicate their needs, just bottle it all up until they resent you for things you don’t even know about and then just leave you in the dust while they move on to the next victim. 💔
2 years of confusing hell, needs to be single, he dosent deserve me...wants to work on himself...yup..back on dating apps (thats if he was ever off them) never again.
This just happened to me. My bf of 2 years just came in a discarded me out of nowhere. I thought we were happy and in love and would be getting married. He acted normally up until minutes before he walked in a broke up/discarded me. It broke me and wrecked me and I have grieved myself sick for the past 4 months. He then immediately got into a new relationship...but I believe when he left the new girl was already in the picture. This entire situation has been soul crushing. 7:33 7:34
Mine has taught me to communicate in an entirely different way, not only with him but with others. Not my job to see his potential or fix him. He knows I'm here but also knows my life does not revolve around him. I'm consistent but firm and he responds well. A year and a half later, we still do very well together.
I dated one for close to 2 years. I didn’t know about Avoidants at the time. The first time I told him I loved him (this was after lots of I love yous from him) he said “that doesn’t change anything.” Which it really must have. Over time he just became less and less affectionate, withheld intimacy etc. ie he deactivated me. I told him I’d leave his place sometimes thinking “wth was that?” Ultimately I was brutally discarded and we never spoke again. Very painful experience.
Dismissive avoidant people can be just as kind, caring, and wonderful as anyone else and are no less deserving of being loved; that being said, until they've put the time and effort into themselves to become more securely attached, they are not yet capable of engaging in a healthy relationship so it's best to just not partake on either side. The hard part is that typically you don't see the signs right away so by the time you do, as he said, you've fallen for them and THEN that's when things get so much harder, so that's where it becomes crucial to love yourself more and remove yourself. It doesn't make either of you bad people and it's not wrong to acknowledge to yourself that no matter how wonderful someone is or how much you love them, they are not for you and that's ok
When something feels wrong, don’t go deeper with this person. Listen to your feeling. Something is wrong. And also, adults need to know what kind of issues they have themselves and are making their life difficult and work on it, no excuses. Avoidant are great at AVOIDING. don’t think they don’t know, unless it is the first or second time they have attempted a relationship. They know!!!!
Thanks, thisexactly how I am feeling now after a brief encounter with a guy who was not really emotionally available. We liked each other aplenty but the timing was not right. i probab;y pushed him away by being interested and showing it. should have let him chase but I hate that stuff. He knows he has issues and needs space and I am sorry I missed that. I should have relaxed . He was though interested in 'other things' quickly, which was not right for me. He didn't have the patience to put any effort into getting to know me beforehand and ran when I made it clear we needed to do that first. He zeroed in on me thinking he'd get what he wanted, fast. So it goes. (BTW, I am a woman in my 60's!) Nothing new under the sun!
🙋🏽♀️I just had to abandon my avoidant man. I was completely unfamiliar with attachment styles. I had a great childhood and was focusing on my beloved career therefore no heart break and I am secure. He on the other hand had the difficult childhood. Things were great for 2 months. I thought he was my soulmate and he said the same about me. But once it was time to intensify the relationship he began drifting away, citing work as the reason why. I felt alone even though I was supposed to be with him, unwanted and invisible. He was never mean (though some can be) just slowly withdrew from me. He is a lovely man and if he could recognize it and work on it, he would be a fabulous partner for someone and I truly wish him the best! Thank you Brian, a very accurate description almost identical to mine.
Yes pls do another video. You describe it’s all so clearly. I would love to hear more about avoidance men. I married one , Anytime there was a problem he always ran away and expected me to fix everything. I always told him that I feel like the glue in this family. Maybe he is a narcissist because now he’s run away from me after 4 decades Also ghosts his own family and his closest friend And how funny that people saw us as the perfect couple.
This is helpful. At widow, age 72, I only have just so much time left. An ethical avoidant entered my life 4 years ago. Patience, kindness, truthfulness inspire trust, then safety. I have learned to be independent and not ask for favors. If he offers help, I allow him to perform arts of service because he said it is his love language. I accept him as he is and he accepts me. We vocalize how we value our friendship and respect each other's boundaries. I tell him that I avoid talking about emotions because it triggers him. Lately, he is attempting to get ME to talk about what's bothering me. I tell him that I don't need him to fix me and that I am working on regulating my emotions. I do tell him that I am content and peaceful and I am grateful for him being in my life because he makes a great day even better.
Great vid and more of this please. Avoidants are tricky because often they are genuinely nice people so there's no glaring defect as with the narc. It's harder to maintain boundaries and not slip into accommodating their fears. Still, it must be done. The red flag is not in them as much as it is in the person trying to bond with them and it is that feeling of overcompensating. Overcompensating = Red flag.
Wow... I've seen a handful of videos about an avoidant, but THIS ONE hits the nail on the head! His past relationship he shared w me, was in a situation and she was on a break from her husband... they got close and then she went back to the husband. He seemed IRRITATED that she did that! I found it a bit odd, but when I asked was he inlove/loved her... he said ' im sure we both cared for eachother' ... fast fwd to he and I... when I was going through similar things, I saw him over and he was smitten! Then I didn't see him for a whole year and once I did, he acted smitten, again! He asked me out, this seemed great. But as the months rolled by, anything that seemed minimal to me made him put me in this ' I don't know if we can get along' box, eventhough there have been MORE good times than awkward ones. Now, he takes days even weeks to respond to texts that involve an emotional reaction/response. Avoidants are the hardest type of person I've ever been emotionally attached to... even my narcissistic ex was easier to understand!!
In a current situation with an Avoidant. I have made and continue to make efforts to understand his attachment style, to meet him where he's at, and to accept him as he is. I do not force, manipulate, or coerce in an attempt to change him. I recognize when he needs space and give it to him. I do not hold unrealistic expectations of him. I have watched him grow in subtle yet beautiful ways over time, and his actions show me that he cares deeply for me even if he doesn't verbally express his feelings for me. He is wholeheartedly worth the effort, and deserves to know what it means to be loved unconditionally even if he struggles with accepting/expressing his feelings and showing up with vulnerability. Avoidant people are just as worthy of love as anyone else- they just have a harder time accepting it. Please don't condemn and demonize people with an Avoidant attachment style. Thank you 💜
No offense, but your rationalizations sound motherly. … What’s a relationship without the reciprocity of the basics? Why do you think you only deserve a manchild, an emotionally stunted male? More time sought after alone than together is common with these types. Men that want sex, but can’t utter I love you or anything meaningful … 🤢🤮💔 … A partner not ever being able to have standards/expectations in a relationship.!? … 🤢🤮 This & soo much more disappointment. Just no.
ultimately no difference, they will both rip your heart out soon enough. Avoidants are really just well meaning narcissists. Avoid emotionally stunted avoidants at all costs.
He told me how he likes me and how he has feelings for me, but when at some point I said that I feel that we are deeply connected, he turned ice cold. That word - connected - made him cringe inside. He then said how he doesn't feel the connection. So how someone can have feelings for someone and don't feel connected ? From that moment on, everything went downhill, sadly ....... When I left he was in shock :(
That person can teach you the TRUE concept of unconditional love, and self-acceptance. Many people are conditional in their love and don't know it. It doesn't mean everyone will permanently relate to a person with avoidant tendencies, but if you choose to do so, you will learn the way of self-suffiency which is what most ancious people have needed to do.
💯 agree! while many talk of the "anxious-avoidant *trap"* where an anxious chases an avoidant who pulls away which encourages them to pull away more, i find the flip side "anxious-avoidant *dance"* can be incredibly healing! when an avoidant pulls away, do so also - not out of spite or anything like that but respect their need for space & use the opportunity to nurture other connections/passions/interests then when you come back together you're both coming from more "full" places i'm a "fearful avoidant"/"disorganized" so it's probably a bit easier for me than an "anxious preoccupied" person but when 1st met my DA partner i was overwhelming triggered into my anxious side (big part of why we drifted away after 6 very rocky months) when we reconnected 18mo later i'd lean into my avoidant side when triggered which helped things last longer but since i discovered attachment theory & embraced the "dance" more our relationship has been blossoming as has my own personal development 💜
I did that unconditional love once!!! Applied to the wrong human like a con man or narc and you will end up numb no matter how loving you were!m and if people are not putting the work in and owning their own bs ..run!! Life is too short to help someone not willing to help them self! Women are not rehabs for ill men not willing to be strong men and step up to growth!!!
Unconditional love is for children and for your own self, not adult relationships. You don’t abandon yourself and your needs in order to love someone else unconditionally. That is not loving or caring toward yourself.
Yesss this is true definitely me since i was the anxious one but it does show u the true meaning of unconditional love.. the way Jesus loves ❤ whoah the test and patience u gain ..🙏🏾
Yes please. This is very interesting and helps a great deal especially your comment about being kind. If you leave, you never feel bad if you were kind. Thanks
For the first time i feel bad for a person who hurt me because i saw a broken man ,suffering and trying to protect me by hiding his problems that he wanna deal with alone. I respected that and walked away, he apologised for dragging me into his mess. That’s the difference between avoidant and narcissists! he was so secure when i fell for him and taught me how amazing love is❤ as an ex insecure person it did trigger my past wounds but i choose my healing and peace ☮️ i can’t save him. If it meant to be he’ll do the work and realise what he missed.
I spent years on and off with an avoidant. I'm the one that is sick of the bullshit.The cycle has completed, and he's back and wants me. No, thank you. The best way to be respected by an avoidant is to leave them. Even they know that their behaviour is appalling.
I am currently with an avoidant. Funny thing is I used to be an avoidant. But I now am an anxious attachment type. It has been the most difficult, miserable, non gainful, misleading, fake, unfaithful/disloyal relationship I’ve ever been in. I hate to say the mental physical verbal abusive relationships I’ve had in the past were easier and clearer to deal with. An emotionally neglectful and toxic relationship like this one I’m in is the first thing that has pulled the wool over my eyes. I feel worse all around in this then when I got beat on. Crazy I know. I’d never put up with another abusive relationship ever again. Now trying to detach from this is a whole new level and I’m good at detaching with a quickness. I guess it’s the fact that I just don’t understand and it blows my mind how they can think some of what they do. I’m glad I’m not that person anymore. I missed out on plenty of great relationships with people in general, romantic relationships, friendships and other opportunities I know for a fact living the life of an avoidant. I’m a very understanding and compassionate person with empathy and grace but I have dealt with so much and accepted so many things when I know I deserve more and I desire very little. Free things that are easy as breathing. 🥺
I agree with you. I was in a verbally physically abuse marriage and nothing compares to the relationship I had with ex fearful avoidant. A screwed up ride that was. Takes a long time to get over it all. God bless you. Love yourself…that’s the answer.
This is one of the best videos on Avoidants. This describes my relationship perfectly. I was a secure attachment style but my Avoidant made me more Anxiously attached. He's discarded me and returned several times over the years. I loved him like no other so always took him back. Everything you said here describes him perfectly.
this is probably one of the best videos ive seen so far that explains avoidant behavior. presented in a very approachable, fluid way that just feels naturally conversational. im a secure who dated a man for a year and a half and i didnt piece it completely that he was avoidant until the end of our relationship. which he decided to end abruptly and it was a very “its not you, its me” and “i cant give you the relationship you need.” no conversation was had about what that meant to me and for us to define it further. it was just simply decided and there was no way of trying to work through it. mind you, we spoke about marriage and future plans so it felt seemingly serious. since the break up, they have not reached out at all. it feels very triggering and extremely sad hearing all the points made in this video, because the signs were all there. the whole time. i know he will never reach out to me again as he will find comfort in the attention of other women in his life through his career. my heart goes out to everyone who is feeling the loss and pain from being with an avoidant. its definitely not you. and you deserve so much more. so much better love.
I also got the "it's not you, it's me" and "I can't give you what you need because of my traumas". Which was partly true. But he also had a habit of juggling women and got a younger woman pregnant. He was a friend of 25 years and we were always drawn to each other so it was extra hurtful.
Yes please, more videos about how to navigate a relationship with an avoidant man. I’ve found myself in a situation where the man I am dating, started out to be extremely interested and persued me continuously. I have now developed strong feelings for him and he has distanced himself significantly causing me to find this video 😢 Thank you Brian
Brian, I’m a fan of your straightforward insights & advice. I’m so glad you made a video on Avoidants. Pls make more esp on Fearful Avoidants. My wonderful soulmate is FA & I’m keen to support him & help him heal & for our relationship to grow into commitment. So videos on how best to support them & also to manage it so that it doesn’t just drift away or be in some twilight zone. Thanks so much Brian!
My dad was an avoidant man. At his funeral all his children and exes trash talked him, but all his buddies could believe what a good man he was. Unfortunately I was groomed to love an emotionally avoidant man. What a mess!
Very informative. Just realised my ex (been together 31 years) is an avoidant. Now gone off with a rebound and everything would appear to be lost, but I'm reclaiming who I am so not all bad. Perhaps it's his loss and my gain. Love you direct style and great sense of humour. Thank you
Brilliant insights, thank you! SO true. My dismissive avoidant exboyfriend totally went into flaw-finding mode (finding things about me that were “insurmountable”). He self-sabotaged. He also had the exgirlfriend he pined over, SO true. I am healing my heart and scored as “Secure” on an attachment style quiz. (I scored as “Anxious” during the relationship with him, haha.)
He said he thinks lost his feelings for me because he felt no connection. He lovebombed me and I got attached because he was different. He actually bought me flowers and gifts. He said it very quickly. It's not even been a month since we knew each other. He didn't agree before when I said we were rushing but now he did. When we started talking we just clicked, it felt like I was talking to the male version of myself. We both fell in love cause of how we make each other feel special like no one has ever done. He cried one night cause we fought thinking he would lose me and he even told his mother about me. He said he needed space to think about this, I am afraid of getting hurt. I have given chances to other guys repeatedly and regretted it. I don't wanna make the same mistakes. I also want to see what happened but also I feel like I deserve someone who's always sure of me and he agreed. We both got attached really easily to each other now he is second-guessing while I guess I fell deeper than him or he is just good at detachment or he never loved me. He said he did and I did feel it. I am giving him space until I am feeling better and when I am in the right state of mind to deal with what he has to say later. Can you give me advice?.
This validated my experience i had with a 100% dismissive avoidant over the summer. You're 100% right it's not my job to fix or help him and I recognized that. While he kinda broke things off, I recognized he was right in that we weren't compatible because he wasn't doing any work on himself to mitigate his avoidant attachment style and put it all on me. And for a hot minute, I took it on. Ugh. Glad that's over. Lol 😅
I met an avoidant narcissist 20 years ago when I didn’t know what those terms meant, nor had I ever heard of them. Early on I sensed something was off, he started ignoring me a few weeks into the relationship. One morning I got out of bed and started preparing to break up with him. I hadn’t even spoken a word when he sensed what was going on and said “don’t leave, I love you, I’ve been in a mood, depressed,” etc. He was on the verge of tears. It stopped me in my tracks and I stayed in that relationship for 20 plus years. He was the poster child for avoidant and honestly, so was I. People thought we had a great relationship because we never argued or fought and allowed each other plenty of time alone or with friends. It was a shell of a relationship. There was no intimacy. It fizzled into nothing when times got tough and it ended with a 5 minute telephone conversation. We haven’t spoken since. Had I known anything at all about relationships at that time…….oh well. Lessons learned in life. I am so happy it ended and that I know have a much greater understanding of what a healthy relationship isn’t.
You had me with "climbing the Everest in a swimsuit"; that is a great metaphor for the efforts it takes. No one can help an avoidant that's unwilling to recognize their own patterns, unfortunately...
With mine for almost 5 years. He asked me to move in with him, after a few months, regardless of how much explaining for the sake of him understanding who and why I am me, when the cycle reached full circle, usually as I've come to see the pattern, every 3 months or so, all of a sudden I am to blame for all the wrongs or issues in his life. When he has admitted multiple times, when he chose to entertain a heartfelt, discussion. Then bam all over again, like those important talks never took place. Constant disrespect, only when he needed help or something for him was I visible. Treated like a nobody, then git breadcrumbs of affection. We'll get through this he'd say, keep faith hope..... always had to be there for him. Never could he be there for me. Long story short. All of a sudden. He kicked me out, it was easier for him. One less person to have to deal with that causes issues. Hmmmm. But yet. Of we do talk. The issue that's Thea actual issue is still fucking up his life as he puts it. Denies me a conversation to answer some of my pondering questions. Did I ever mean anything to you. Was it really just a benefit thing for u financially to have me move in. As he states I do not benefit from you what so ever. Wow heart broken
Im with an avoidantly attached man😶 he wants is when i dont want him. And when i do want him the way He acts and things he says are heartbreaking . He's narcissistic also. This is difficult. And the situation was described incredibly accurately. It's an almost impossible kind of no-win situation. Noreal intimacy.... it's a very lonely feeling.
Does being in that relationship honor you? There’s your answer about what to do about it…IF you answer the question honestly. Take good care of yourself.
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
After 2.5 years, I finally walked away. We had talks about his disappearance cycles, talks about how I felt about it, talks about his empty promises, talks about how he wouldn’t hurt me again and again. I guess his avoidance fears are just too great to overcome. He abandoned me once again.
I'm about to date one that I have worked with. He is in therapy. He suggested that he go by himself when I told him why I didn't want to date him. I can see changes already about 1 year later. He can admit his part in past relationships and takes full accountability for it. He is very eager to learn why he is like he is and what to do so he can adapt. After listening to this post, I can now see why he likes me. I've got boundaries and say exactly what I expect from him and what I will not put up with. He does not have to guess about much with me, but is it enough?
I've had an avoidant partner for 6 months now. He's unique and wonderful, but when he first pulled away I was shocked. Now I know what it's all about. When we get too emotionally close, he says he wants friendship. Then we "break up" but after a few days the messages become romantic and sexual and we start over again. It seems to me that he's made a lot of progress in these 6 months. It's hard, but I'm patient, because he's a sincere (and good looking) person.
Hello Brian, Thank you so much for another amazingly informative video. I'd really love to watch more of youre videos on avoidant men please, most people will think im crazy if I say I was in a very abusive relationship and im now in an avoidant one we have both had difficult pasts, you asked what it feels like? For me its like a roller coaster of feeling lonely and then its ok again but then here my heart goes again why do I miss him so much and he seems ok without me? Why do I need so many cuddles and affection? Am I being too needy? Am I too much, maybe im not enough? Oh look at all those xx's hes put on my text 😍 No text night night, course he needs space Claire stop being ridiculous, hes just tired he works hard, you will see him next week when he can. Just a few random worries & thoughts. Thank you again I love it when you read until the end 🤗
Broke up with my DA a month ago, after 4 years. I thought I was secure, so this was horrible when he pulled away - I just couldn’t do it any longer. Didn’t know what else to do though..
I date an avoident man. I can feel he loves me, and I love him very much. But he pulled away when he felt I got closer. He texted me that he feels really sad and angry with himself he cannot give me what I need. He is afraid of attaching and then losing people as a result of his childhood trauma. That is why he builds walls to protect himself. I felt so sad after his confession. I would like to learn more about it. Thank you for this short but comprehensive and valuable video
Yes, I m with an avoidant. It's hard but it's like a dance or like taming a wild animal. It requires patience and a lot of listening. I would love to know more about this type of man.
I’m a fearful avoidant dating a dismissive avoidant and when we get closer he pulls away. I know I’ve done this with anxious partners, so I am learning about myself. Very challenging
I’m 6 months out from ending my 3 year relationship with an avoidant. These comments are so helpful and validating. Because of this man and everything I’ve been through, I was able to really get in touch with myself by researching and going to counseling. I had turned into someone I didn’t recognize and that bothered me. He reached out twice in the 6 months, wanting to be friends (Not after how he shattered my heart the way he did!) and both times I said Nope, have a nice life! I still have no interest in dating and I’m taking time for myself to heal for the first time in my life (I’m 45). Yes it sucked going through this, but it has also opened my eyes a lot. Good luck all! ❤
Love this video. Please make many more videos about Avoidants. I think it is avery common situation and would help so many people to understand this dynamic in relationships.
Me as a fearful avoidant having both the anxious and avoidant side…I believe I deeply understand DAs….the emotional capacity they have is very very limited more than anyone could believe…they don’t receive any love in so they can’t get anything out you may have been over giving but for him he was all on his own in the relationship all the time…they are trapped in their huge needs that overwhelms them already so he can’t meet anything for you on top
Yes. It was pure hell. Don't do it. It's not worth it. You will leave the relationship completely broken and in need of therapy (if you're a genuine and loving person.)
That was my experience too 🤣 I’m ok now, and back to thriving in my single best life phase after a multiple sessions. Hope you’re doing better too or on the mend at least xx
I’ve learned not to let anyone ‘think’ for me. I don’t let anxious or avoidant people tell me, how I think or how I feel. A typical way of approaching this in therapy is to stay curious and ask questions. You can ask them. Oh how do you know I feel that way? How do you know I am thinking that? What evidence do you have? They are thinking and feeling for you so they can push you away and sabotage the relationship. Don’t let them do this!
Wonderful man, we’ve known each other 18 days. He told me right off when we met that he’s anxious/avoidant. So he knows, he’s working on it, divorced two months from his third wife. So I listen, give him space, I’m there for him NM/NY long distance romance
That’s ringing alarm bells, long distance is one of their go-tos for giving just enough of themselves. I truly hope this man is indeed serious about changing, but mine (nearly 4 years in) just seriously reverted as we got closer to making actual plans to move in together. Wants me to move to his vicinity, but won’t entertain moving in until the kids have grown up. 8 years from now.
Update: still a wonderful guy and we text frequently, talk several times a week, however there’s another person in his life. They were engaged 40 years ago and she married someone else, a recent widow. He says we’re BFF so that tells me I’m out of the running. I’m a realist. Useless to cry over what could have been, happy for what was, even if short lived. I hadn’t realized the walls I’d put around my heart for so many years, the fears still lingering in my soul from years of abuse. He was the catalyst that God used to wake me, heal me, and give me renewed hope and purpose. Love isn’t always about marriage, but it should be about spiritual growth as well.
I am currently in a relationship with an avoidant. He is currently getting therapy, but progress is snail like slow. We are not talking as of yesterday because I can't handle the limbo the relationship is in, and I've asked him to make a real commitment to me. This video has been helpful. I had done all the effort to try to fix him/ the relationship at the expense of my own needs. This has led to frustration and fury on my part. Finally realized I can't fix it. I am hoping he can get the help he needs and wants. I now have to focus on me and my own attachment issues that have kept me in this relationship for so long.
My avoidant guy was happy as long as he was chasing me... As soon as I stopped running he became rude and argumentative and I feel like he rewrote history and started acting like he didn't care, even actively disliked me. This was such a shock and I felt destabilised. I am very confident indeed normally so this was very upsetting. I ve pulled away now, let's see if he warms up again. But it's scary as I ll be afraid of saying the wrong thing, and he might turn against me again. I had studied the psychology of avoidants and was not needy or demanding with him. I think he s an extreme avoidant.
Weirdly, I was thinking about avoidant men when I wrote my original comment, for a different podcast (auto play switched it). I noted that a man can get freaked out when friends start making comments about the woman like telling him, he's about to loose his freedom and get tied down, when in reality thats not the case. I am a SIGMA INFJ personality type. I apparently intimidate most men (who understand I dont need them and some can't accept that I am with them because, well, I just want to be). Its a frustrating ideology. I also attract Avoidant's. I need my own independence and space, but I generally prefer male company to women. I find dating very confusing. Many men want superficial relationships, but don't ferl safe in anything more serious. And it's not because I am flirty, or unfaithful. Some of the things men have done to me have been pretty harsh.
Weirdly, I'm stabilizing since I have been with my DA. I've been learning so much about myself, I couldn't have done it without his presence in my life. I'm learning how to communicate in a non-judgemental way, how to not be anxious or how to create a safe space and give space. Even others say I have a lovely energy now. I'm more self-assured, I know my boundaries better and I'm recognising when I slip into people-pleasing mode. Of course, the relationship has its ups and downs ngl, but I have grown a lot.
My ex-husband was an avoidant and a great guy I’m seeing is also avoidant. Exactly as you said, when I’d said ‘I’m not in a position to be in a relationship’, he was super interested. The moment I get semi close, he closes up and pulls away! Very confusing. This video was actually very useful
Confusing/confusion doesn’t sound great, and to be confused doesn’t FEEL great…at least, to me it doesn’t. It feels awful. But, if being/feeling confused about the behavior of a guy you’re dating is okay for you, carry on.
I dated one periodsxñaly this year. Set times for yourself. Set boundaries and lay out what you are looking for clearly, calmly. Observe. If they do not show you in their actions, walk away. Best thing I ever did and looked after myself . 8 weeks passed and see you later.
Ok ok so, to weed out an avoidant, tell him UP FRONT that you have expectations and here they are? And make sure they're big too, don't be afraid to really ham it up. Scare him away early 😁
Wow! This finally makes sense to me! I started romantically dating a man I was friends for two years. We didn't hang out much. Then we had three weeks of the most amazing love, affection, and connection I have ever had...then boom! Three weeks later, he dumped me! I was devastated and could not make sense of it because he is a good man and I know he truly loved me. Thank you for helping me finally make sense of it all.
What was it like?? Torture. Extreme stress. Crazy-making. Horrible heartbreak in the end. (MULTIPLE heartbreaks!!) Thank you for this video. It is one of the very best I've watched on the subject.
I have a somewhat avoidant attachment style that I've been working on. and I see that I'm frequently attracted to men who are either unavailable or avoidant themselves. I panic when a man shows a lot of interest in me and that has kept me single for quite a while. I really like what you've said about recognizing the differences between avoidant styles and narcissists and would love to hear more about how to give someone a chance without losing myself in the process.
I once heard a guy describing a situationship that was already on the cusp of falling apart as climbing the everest without oxygen - a rare moment of self awareness I suppose (in the context of this video at least)
Very accurate. It's nice to hear that feeling sth is off is not always a sign of neediness. Could you please make another video with advice how to detach emotionally from constant pulling& pushing game with such man?
Omg! I can definitely resonate with what you indicated. We were so much in love❤with all the oxytocin. After the 3rd year, he started complaining about all the little things and belittling me. In the end, he discarded me and I had no idea it was coming. He told me that he wanted his space. I was crushed and devastated. It had been 5 months now.
This was bang on right. I had met an avoidant who i felt was attracted to me. But as soon as I felt he realised I liked him too, he ghosted me. Years later, when he is married and I am married to another person he came back. And really looked interested. I am clear about his behaviour now seeing your video. Thank you so much. Make more videos on this topic. One point I felt you should have added was that they are scared of being vulnerable
This video completely explained to a T what happened in my last relationship. Figured out he was an avoidant however could not grasp it fully. It all makes sense now.
I personally can swing from being avoidant to anxious... But it depends on what kind of energy it's coming at me. We live in a seriously damaged world... Love itself isn't being given too human beings from child hood, birth even!... How can one expect someone to be a healthy emotionally available person when our world is not a healthy place to live? Just look around ... It's beaten into our heads not to trust... Danger everywhere ... Fear this... Fear that .. The difference now, from say 50 years ago is that we have access, visual graphic access, to ALL the reasons why a human being would end up damaged. Think about it... How many kids grow up seeing what love is? At home or anywhere for example? The norm in life is to be guarded and fearful. All that aside... We have a tendency to put labels on everything... Which yes, is helpful for understanding... But we are all different. If two people get together and they are NOT compatible... Why try and force that? It's not giving up on someone... It's just learning to be self aware. So as someone that goes full spectrum here... Avoidant, all the way to anxious... And also spending a decade with a severely abusive narcissist... I would say that the most important things we can do to make a relationship work with someone u genuinely love... Learn to love yourself. Heal... Let go of past trauma. Heal. Forgive... Not for those that hurt us... For ourselves. heal! Trust me, forgiving lifts a burden... And again, we can't give love if we don't have love for ourselves... Similar to u can't pour from an empty cup. I also truly believe that if we adopted some of the values from 50-60 years ago... Went back to courting, dating without sex first... Etc...I think some of these issues would be easier to over come ♥️
Thank you for this very informative and detailed video. It was so helpful on many levels. I was dating an avoidant (unknowingly) and experienced many of the things you described. As of this writing, I am giving him space and time, once again. So I don’t know where this will lead or end. One good thing I did do was remain calm and kind. I knew something was wrong but could not realize what it was.😢 Your presentation is professional and yet personal so you make the viewer feel engaged and appreciated.😊
Omg thanks for this video. Especially the "you are pressuring me why is this so important to you. Why are you so sensitive and demanding..." He literally does that when I come to close. He is like yeah we can hang out. And even without putting a label on it. If we are together and are happy we don't need a label. And then I said I need a label because otherwise you can still date other girls. And then today because me pressuring he told me I am pushing him away
I have been with a dismissive avoidant man for 36 years. How you ask? We got together when there was no language for it and I grew up under those conditions.I thought starving for love was normal and if I felt bad it was my fault.I also learned to live alone as it were. I guess I viewed it that although I wanted more intimacy, I thought at least I can do as I please with no interference and at least he wasnt trying to control all my actions. I am only learning right now that most of my issues I haven't been able to overcome are related to how he and I relate. Your videos are helpful because I understand I am not crazy,controlling,abusive as he tells me I am. I understand what is happening better and am gaining confidence in knowing my feelings are valid and have truth and to understand him. Thank you for your information, I am learning tons. I have worked on myself in huge ways and was can now see why I could only get so far. So yes,more info,especially about long long term relationships. Does anyone else have a dismissive avoidant partner they have been with so long?
I was with my avoident ex for 20 years. For years he spoke of leaving and having his own space. He often went away for weeks at a time to have space for himself but always came back and said he loved me and wanted to work on our relationship. There was no intimacy for the last 7 years of your relationship and he did not want to address that. We got on well on a day to day bases and are home was calm. Eventually he left. I was heartbroken. He moved on within a few months to someone else. I found it difficult to see how easy it was for him to move on. That was 4 years ago. It took me 3 years to recover. Now, I can see the relationship was not fulfilling. I am dreadful he left. Life has more joy without him. I am in a relationship with a secure man. It is fabulous. It feels equal and we talk and connect so easily. I am 50 and I am glad that I will not be growing old with someone who is cold.
17 years, two children. Now separated since April. He abruptly left which is probably the 10 th time. Once on my birthday, once on New Year’s Day, once 6 weeks after a major life changing event. Never there in a crisis. Nearly dies of liver failure when we had split for 2 years, yes still not around. I’ve lost count. He is now in a relationship for the first time within weeks of his exit. Don’t know who she is and he will probably keep her a secret from me for a very long time if he is able . We only text as he couldn’t take calling me or anyone else . He wouldn’t commit to living with me even though we lived together for 10 years. In that time I now realise he was always distant but got used to it. He lied about small thins and big things in order to avoid any conflict or to just get his own way. It has made me (anxious attachment) with PTSD and ADHD completely lose who I am and now my self esteem is almost zero. he would say it was always me and my emotional outbursts that made the relationship breakdown. He was telling me I was beautiful in December, arranging a surprise anniversary in feb, discussing with my older daughter about arranging a holiday next year. Even agreed to couples therapy then backed out of it. Then April I became upset about a small issue and he abruptly left saying it wasn’t fair on me without even telling me what was unfair. Saying he could spend a month without me , saying he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m completely heartbroken and have spent 6 months ruminating about this. He texts me like I’m a stranger even though I’m the mother of his children. 17 years! Tragedy.
@@louise1031 I've heard it said that Earth is like a school, and it sounds like you've graduated. Painful as it is, I am hopeful that you will come to know a much truer love, starting with realizing that is exactly what you are. Feel love in your very self and be as grateful as you can for everything good and beautiful in life. You will shine again, Louise. Rest and take good care of you. 💗🌹🌿✨
It is absolutely heartbreaking to try loving an avoidant man. He says he’s in love with me. But I scare him. I feel like a yo-yo being jerked around and played with. I’ve cried more tears for this man. It is draining me.
Exit darling
Fix it or leave
Walk away it does not get better
I feel you. Happened to me for 12 years.
Omg @@MarinaMrls
These men are confusing as hell. Get out while you can. The trouble is they don’t only avoid closeness, they avoid dealing with their own emotions, past and shortcomings, thus leading to inauthenticity. They make unhealthy partners for those looking for emotionally mature, stable and healthy relationships.
Most of the times they are gays under the closet
Great points! Been there done that and no thanks!
Run for your life hahahaha
You are point on
Yesssss
Was with an avoidant for 18 months. We both felt love like never before. Until he sabotaged the relationship by coping with other women and telling me over text- “I love you completely and want only you. I’m not looking for anything else. But I’m not in a place where I can provide you with what you need and deserve. I’m just not in a great place right now. I’m sorry.”
I introduced him to attachment styles.. he started therapy during our relationship, that lasted a month. Feeling vulnerable in any way scared him. It’s been two and a half months since that text he sent. I’ve heard nothing from him, probably won’t. Love these videos.. thank you for this.
Excellent video! Have beendating an "avoidant" for little over a year and he worked hard to get close to me until,yes, I am now very much in love with him. But even though I have a Masters in Psych plus I have worked on getting to know myself, sometimes I feel like he is "just too much work". I totally agree w u that he probably has more needs than I do, but I haven't told him how much in love I am bec I am too dam afraid that he will put his running shoes on😂,!!! Thanks
You helped me see it all in a much clearer light!!!❤
Wow... literally received the same text over n over when I show deeper emotions SMH
Same here
You can’t fix it. YOU can’t fix it. Don’t try. But I worked on myself. I changed my expectations.
@@FaithAdventure2 agree. The only way to work together is if he’s doing his own work. At 48, unfortunately I’m sure he’s set in his ways.
I'm just happier being single, I've had enough, honestly my peace is truly great.
Peace is happiness!!
There are not that many avoidant men tbh. Learn to avoid them
@@gemmahart3985u r right
Sounds like you've become an avoidant
Exactly 💯
This video is extremely validating and such a good representation of how these relationships work
@2:41 "... a true avoidant man can destabilize any woman, even one with a secure attachment style ..."
No truer words have ever been spoken.
Thank you - I'm glad I found your channel.
Cheers!
YES
😢 So true
What battles me is why they seek for a relationship in the first place. If you are not in a proper state of mind for healthy commuttment, it is better to be with yourself. Don't put yourself out there when you are not ready to commit or take responsibility. Don't put anyone deserving or undesersing of you whatever is your take on this in any situation where they begin to doubt their selfworth. Don't reach out to women who wants genuine conncetions. Focus on yourself or whatever you think you value, marriage is truly not for everybody. It takes two to tangle.
You're like a wise older brother telling us like it is! I had a brief relationship with an avoidant. He discarded me when things were going well, came back off and on for a year. Now I guess he's gone for good since it's been 3 months since I've heard from him. I miss him still but my life is much more peaceful with him not contacting me. I had no idea what an avoidant was until I met him. One of those lessons you didn't know you needed to learn.
Avoid emotionally stunted avoidants at all costs, unless of course you are addicted to misery, pain and suffering, in which case they are perfect for you.
I describe my ex as emotionally bankrupt, his whole family were like this.
@@carolynsmith6738 ….”emotionally bankrupt” is a slightly nicer way of saying “emotionally stunted”, either way they are emotionally unavailable aren’t they ?
That's what I thought about my ex, he's emotionally immature and unintelligent in spite of being 10 years older than me. He runs away at any slight inconveniences and bails out. His emotional level is that of a teen in spite of him in his late 30s.
@@winterkai12 ….yep, unfortunately age is no barrier to emotional unavailability and when it comes to relationships it often makes for loneliness due to an inability to connect on an intimate level. You’re definitely better off without him but it’s still really hard isn’t it ?
@@cspace1234nz I always felt like he was emotionally available and we connected in an intimate and deeper level, however, he has avoidant tendencies that actually sabotaged the relationship and it was a lot of push-and-pull, hot and cold behaviour then. It made me so anxious. And I felt like he's not made for long-term relationships as he can't handle conflicts well or tries to avoid any hard conversations in the relationship. The way he handle things is that of a teen instead of a man his age. He wanted something easy and pleasurable all the time, when things get hard, he's out.
And yes, I'm better off without him. But now that I understand his avoidant tendencies, I hope he can go to therapy which he isn't doing because he refuses help in general unless it's to get government benefits. Extremely hard at the beggining, but the way he disregarded me and my feelings moving on so fast to someone new sealed the deal for me.
I was in a relationship for 5 years. Initially he was so in love he used to do many things without even saying anything. But after a certain time when things started to get serious when I started to do the same thing for him and he started pushing me away. And created certain boundaries which didn'tmake sense to me but since I loved him I have accepted it. And this continued for 1 and a half year. He used to say the same thing that you have mentioned in the video that I am being sensitive and overly emotional,not practical enough. But I couldn't hold onto it anymore since I was not getting the love or attention. I was lonely. And I have decided to leave him. And he didn't say anything and he just let me go. But after ending the relationship he acted as if his world has ended but he didn't even try to keep me. I was very confused and I have lost myself for trying so hard for so long. Thank you so much for clarifying many things.
He said " I must be careful with you, not to hurt you, cause you're too emotional" and he ghosted me for 5 months..... I have feelings for him, but I'm done. I have my personal trauma to deal with, I've never needed any extra traumatic experiences...
Calling you oversensitive is 🚩, if your former friends & people who knew you well don’t think so about you. In the book Attached there are quotes of how an avoidant reacts to any expressions of needs and desire to be close. A guy who played mindgames with me used to say those too. They were worded in the same way. you’re oversensitive was repeated to me often enough i started to have a shame wound around behing a human with feelings.
Ironically, with other people I didn’t feel such strong emotions, and usually my mood is neutral, no feelings, unless i interact with people. I’m not oversensitive, sometimes I don’t even care.
I wish i was feelingless, and aroace because trying to communicate with men or making any man care for you is just endless costs (of your time, energy, mental wellbeing) without benefits of getting loved or at least even cared for.
Girl yes same here.
The best thing my avoidant ex did for me in the entire time we knew each other was to break up with me. I thank him for that as I was too committed to making it work. Now I am with a wonderful man who is caring, loving, affectionate, listens to me and is available for emotional support when I need it. He is both a friend and a lover and doesn’t freak out when I express my very normal needs. In a way my last relationship with an avoidant has made me appreciate my current partner sooo much more!
Im happy for you! 😊 what is your attachment style? How long have you been with your new man?
@@amnbvcxz8650 we met a year ago and have been exclusive since the summer. I took it slow because I was so afraid of ending up in the same switcharoo of him being great in the beginning and then getting comfortable and becoming someone else, like my ex did. I would say my attachment style of more secure due to the work on the self that I have done for years, but my last relationship brought me into deep anxious. I have worked on that so that now I am not afraid to express my needs, my feelings, and my desires with my new partner. He is definitely secure and he is consistent and reliable, which I have learned, are absolute requirements in my relationships. If I don't have that, I tend to abandon myself. Knowing this gives me such clarity that I don't have to doubt whether a relationship is right for me or not. If I don't have those two things, then clearly it is not right.
Please make more videos about avoidance men. I just left my fiance because he refused to get professional help. Yes he tried to get with me for a while and when he got me, he took me for granted and became scared due to his avoidant attachment issues. I became the blame always. You were right on about how they can make a secure person feel unsecured. I couldn't show any emotions and he became really scared when he showed emotions.he eventually became very toxic due to the need for control so I left as Iove is not enough. My mental well being is a priority and nobody can help a person who refuses to help them self
He likes me, he wants me, but fears the closeness he wants more than he wants it. He has some good qualities as a person and also believes he wants, an actually is, offereing a proper relationship. I was secure, but falling in love with him destabilised me. I still love him but......
Time will cure you of that! Been there. ❤
Me too, he drifted away after 2 months. If he returns and wants to work on himself and I am willing and available, then we will see. Sad though. A lovely man.
Same
@@Musicisthelanguageoflove Trauma creates the avoidant attachment, you have to be secure to support their healing journey, just as they have to be committed to healing.
If they are not committed then walk away.
I have to say, I 'd rather deal with an avoidant than a co-dependent!
Same girl same
Thank you for making sense of this, I’ve spent years trying to figure out why someone pushes me away while keeping me so close, it’s very heartbreaking and confusing but now I have a clearer understanding why
Dated an FA for a year and a half. Had no clue what attachment styles were until he discarded out of the blue with the “I don’t think I’m what you want or need” and the “I need to deal with my past”. 2 weeks later was “in a relationship” with the new girl. I ended up in therapy where I learned what an “avoidant” was. Hardest relationship I’ve ever had to get over. I have empathy for him but knowing what I know now, I’d never want to be in a relationship with someone who could treat another person so coldly. How anyone can justify throwing you away treating you like you never existed is beyond my comprehension. Those are serious emotional problems that I don’t think will ever be addressed. Avoidants AVOID. They happily go on their merry way telling themselves it was YOU, never taking accountability or self reflecting on anything. They don’t communicate their needs, just bottle it all up until they resent you for things you don’t even know about and then just leave you in the dust while they move on to the next victim. 💔
Wow. Perfectly stated my current feelings and life for the most part. Hes bare minimum roommate with one sided convenience benefits.
@saradavenport thank you for this comment! I saved it. Just to remind myself, I'm not alone. ❤
@@justjersey2048me, too! I had no idea about until this past relationship. I still love him so much, but trying to move forward.
2 years of confusing hell, needs to be single, he dosent deserve me...wants to work on himself...yup..back on dating apps (thats if he was ever off them) never again.
This just happened to me. My bf of 2 years just came in a discarded me out of nowhere. I thought we were happy and in love and would be getting married. He acted normally up until minutes before he walked in a broke up/discarded me. It broke me and wrecked me and I have grieved myself sick for the past 4 months. He then immediately got into a new relationship...but I believe when he left the new girl was already in the picture. This entire situation has been soul crushing. 7:33 7:34
He always treated me respectfully. I didn’t try to fix him. I’m so happy with him now, after 3 years.
Mine has taught me to communicate in an entirely different way, not only with him but with others. Not my job to see his potential or fix him. He knows I'm here but also knows my life does not revolve around him. I'm consistent but firm and he responds well. A year and a half later, we still do very well together.
Just when you think you are getting closer, he will let you down in the loudest way
💯
I dated one for close to 2 years. I didn’t know about Avoidants at the time. The first time I told him I loved him (this was after lots of I love yous from him) he said “that doesn’t change anything.” Which it really must have. Over time he just became less and less affectionate, withheld intimacy etc. ie he deactivated me. I told him I’d leave his place sometimes thinking “wth was that?” Ultimately I was brutally discarded and we never spoke again. Very painful experience.
Dismissive avoidant people can be just as kind, caring, and wonderful as anyone else and are no less deserving of being loved; that being said, until they've put the time and effort into themselves to become more securely attached, they are not yet capable of engaging in a healthy relationship so it's best to just not partake on either side. The hard part is that typically you don't see the signs right away so by the time you do, as he said, you've fallen for them and THEN that's when things get so much harder, so that's where it becomes crucial to love yourself more and remove yourself. It doesn't make either of you bad people and it's not wrong to acknowledge to yourself that no matter how wonderful someone is or how much you love them, they are not for you and that's ok
This is written for me❤
Or you’ve bought a house with them and they aren’t willing to move in! 😂😢
@@Pernikittywow!!
When something feels wrong, don’t go deeper with this person. Listen to your feeling. Something is wrong. And also, adults need to know what kind of issues they have themselves and are making their life difficult and work on it, no excuses. Avoidant are great at AVOIDING. don’t think they don’t know, unless it is the first or second time they have attempted a relationship. They know!!!!
Thanks, thisexactly how I am feeling now after a brief encounter with a guy who was not really emotionally available. We liked each other aplenty but the timing was not right. i probab;y pushed him away by being interested and showing it. should have let him chase but I hate that stuff. He knows he has issues and needs space and I am sorry I missed that. I should have relaxed . He was though interested in 'other things' quickly, which was not right for me. He didn't have the patience to put any effort into getting to know me beforehand and ran when I made it clear we needed to do that first. He zeroed in on me thinking he'd get what he wanted, fast. So it goes. (BTW, I am a woman in my 60's!) Nothing new under the sun!
🙋🏽♀️I just had to abandon my avoidant man. I was completely unfamiliar with attachment styles. I had a great childhood and was focusing on my beloved career therefore no heart break and I am secure. He on the other hand had the difficult childhood.
Things were great for 2 months. I thought he was my soulmate and he said the same about me. But once it was time to intensify the relationship he began drifting away, citing work as the reason why. I felt alone even though I was supposed to be with him, unwanted and invisible.
He was never mean (though some can be) just slowly withdrew from me. He is a lovely man and if he could recognize it and work on it, he would be a fabulous partner for someone and I truly wish him the best!
Thank you Brian, a very accurate description almost identical to mine.
Yes pls do another video. You describe it’s all so clearly. I would love to hear more about avoidance men. I married one , Anytime there was a problem he always ran away and expected me to fix everything. I always told him that I feel like the glue in this family. Maybe he is a narcissist because now he’s run away from me after 4 decades Also ghosts his own family and his closest friend And how funny that people saw us as the perfect couple.
He just sounds uninterested not avoidant to be honest
This is helpful. At widow, age 72, I only have just so much time left. An ethical avoidant entered my life 4 years ago. Patience, kindness, truthfulness inspire trust, then safety. I have learned to be independent and not ask for favors. If he offers help, I allow him to perform arts of service because he said it is his love language. I accept him as he is and he accepts me. We vocalize how we value our friendship and respect each other's boundaries. I tell him that I avoid talking about emotions because it triggers him. Lately, he is attempting to get ME to talk about what's bothering me. I tell him that I don't need him to fix me and that I am working on regulating my emotions. I do tell him that I am content and peaceful and I am grateful for him being in my life because he makes a great day even better.
Great vid and more of this please. Avoidants are tricky because often they are genuinely nice people so there's no glaring defect as with the narc. It's harder to maintain boundaries and not slip into accommodating their fears. Still, it must be done. The red flag is not in them as much as it is in the person trying to bond with them and it is that feeling of overcompensating. Overcompensating = Red flag.
Wow... I've seen a handful of videos about an avoidant, but THIS ONE hits the nail on the head! His past relationship he shared w me, was in a situation and she was on a break from her husband... they got close and then she went back to the husband. He seemed IRRITATED that she did that! I found it a bit odd, but when I asked was he inlove/loved her... he said ' im sure we both cared for eachother' ... fast fwd to he and I... when I was going through similar things, I saw him over and he was smitten! Then I didn't see him for a whole year and once I did, he acted smitten, again! He asked me out, this seemed great. But as the months rolled by, anything that seemed minimal to me made him put me in this ' I don't know if we can get along' box, eventhough there have been MORE good times than awkward ones. Now, he takes days even weeks to respond to texts that involve an emotional reaction/response. Avoidants are the hardest type of person I've ever been emotionally attached to... even my narcissistic ex was easier to understand!!
In a current situation with an Avoidant. I have made and continue to make efforts to understand his attachment style, to meet him where he's at, and to accept him as he is. I do not force, manipulate, or coerce in an attempt to change him. I recognize when he needs space and give it to him. I do not hold unrealistic expectations of him. I have watched him grow in subtle yet beautiful ways over time, and his actions show me that he cares deeply for me even if he doesn't verbally express his feelings for me. He is wholeheartedly worth the effort, and deserves to know what it means to be loved unconditionally even if he struggles with accepting/expressing his feelings and showing up with vulnerability. Avoidant people are just as worthy of love as anyone else- they just have a harder time accepting it. Please don't condemn and demonize people with an Avoidant attachment style. Thank you 💜
Hi there! I’d love to speak with you about this more. I’m struggling with this right now.
No offense, but your rationalizations sound motherly. … What’s a relationship without the reciprocity of the basics? Why do you think you only deserve a manchild, an emotionally stunted male? More time sought after alone than together is common with these types. Men that want sex, but can’t utter I love you or anything meaningful … 🤢🤮💔 … A partner not ever being able to have standards/expectations in a relationship.!? … 🤢🤮 This & soo much more disappointment. Just no.
❤❤ same
@@lizkiddersanchez1555me too
That was good, thank you. More on avoidants and the difference to the narcissists would be greatly appreciated ❤
ultimately no difference, they will both rip your heart out soon enough. Avoidants are really just well meaning narcissists. Avoid emotionally stunted avoidants at all costs.
I've been told that all narcs are avoidant, but not all avoidants are narcs...
@@annebos4634 ....either way they all tend to be arseholes who seem to be extremely destructive in relationships.
@@cspace1234nzThey may make good friends/acquaintances. ? But I’m thinking not soo much ‘Good Husbands/spouses.’
He told me how he likes me and how he has feelings for me, but when at some point I said that I feel that we are deeply connected, he turned ice cold. That word - connected - made him cringe inside. He then said how he doesn't feel the connection. So how someone can have feelings for someone and don't feel connected ? From that moment on, everything went downhill, sadly ....... When I left he was in shock :(
Yes please. I've been with an avoidant, and it kinda turned me into an avoidant.
Omg it actually can!!
That person can teach you the TRUE concept of unconditional love, and self-acceptance. Many people are conditional in their love and don't know it. It doesn't mean everyone will permanently relate to a person with avoidant tendencies, but if you choose to do so, you will learn the way of self-suffiency which is what most ancious people have needed to do.
💯 agree! while many talk of the "anxious-avoidant *trap"* where an anxious chases an avoidant who pulls away which encourages them to pull away more, i find the flip side "anxious-avoidant *dance"* can be incredibly healing!
when an avoidant pulls away, do so also - not out of spite or anything like that but respect their need for space & use the opportunity to nurture other connections/passions/interests then when you come back together you're both coming from more "full" places
i'm a "fearful avoidant"/"disorganized" so it's probably a bit easier for me than an "anxious preoccupied" person but when 1st met my DA partner i was overwhelming triggered into my anxious side (big part of why we drifted away after 6 very rocky months)
when we reconnected 18mo later i'd lean into my avoidant side when triggered which helped things last longer but since i discovered attachment theory & embraced the "dance" more our relationship has been blossoming as has my own personal development 💜
I did that unconditional love once!!! Applied to the wrong human like a con man or narc and you will end up numb no matter how loving you were!m and if people are not putting the work in and owning their own bs ..run!! Life is too short to help someone not willing to help them self! Women are not rehabs for ill men not willing to be strong men and step up to growth!!!
Unconditional love is for children and for your own self, not adult relationships. You don’t abandon yourself and your needs in order to love someone else unconditionally. That is not loving or caring toward yourself.
Yesss this is true definitely me since i was the anxious one but it does show u the true meaning of unconditional love.. the way Jesus loves ❤ whoah the test and patience u gain ..🙏🏾
Yes please. This is very interesting and helps a great deal especially your comment about being kind. If you leave, you never feel bad if you were kind. Thanks
For the first time i feel bad for a person who hurt me because i saw a broken man ,suffering and trying to protect me by hiding his problems that he wanna deal with alone. I respected that and walked away, he apologised for dragging me into his mess. That’s the difference between avoidant and narcissists! he was so secure when i fell for him and taught me how amazing love is❤ as an ex insecure person it did trigger my past wounds but i choose my healing and peace ☮️ i can’t save him. If it meant to be he’ll do the work and realise what he missed.
I spent years on and off with an avoidant. I'm the one that is sick of the bullshit.The cycle has completed, and he's back and wants me. No, thank you. The best way to be respected by an avoidant is to leave them. Even they know that their behaviour is appalling.
Agreed!
🎯‼️
I am currently with an avoidant. Funny thing is I used to be an avoidant. But I now am an anxious attachment type. It has been the most difficult, miserable, non gainful, misleading, fake, unfaithful/disloyal relationship I’ve ever been in. I hate to say the mental physical verbal abusive relationships I’ve had in the past were easier and clearer to deal with. An emotionally neglectful and toxic relationship like this one I’m in is the first thing that has pulled the wool over my eyes. I feel worse all around in this then when I got beat on. Crazy I know. I’d never put up with another abusive relationship ever again. Now trying to detach from this is a whole new level and I’m good at detaching with a quickness. I guess it’s the fact that I just don’t understand and it blows my mind how they can think some of what they do. I’m glad I’m not that person anymore. I missed out on plenty of great relationships with people in general, romantic relationships, friendships and other opportunities I know for a fact living the life of an avoidant. I’m a very understanding and compassionate person with empathy and grace but I have dealt with so much and accepted so many things when I know I deserve more and I desire very little. Free things that are easy as breathing. 🥺
I agree with you. I was in a verbally physically abuse marriage and nothing compares to the relationship I had with ex fearful avoidant. A screwed up ride that was. Takes a long time to get over it all. God bless you. Love yourself…that’s the answer.
This is one of the best videos on Avoidants. This describes my relationship perfectly. I was a secure attachment style but my Avoidant made me more Anxiously attached. He's discarded me and returned several times over the years. I loved him like no other so always took him back. Everything you said here describes him perfectly.
Are you still together?
this is probably one of the best videos ive seen so far that explains avoidant behavior. presented in a very approachable, fluid way that just feels naturally conversational. im a secure who dated a man for a year and a half and i didnt piece it completely that he was avoidant until the end of our relationship. which he decided to end abruptly and it was a very “its not you, its me” and “i cant give you the relationship you need.”
no conversation was had about what that meant to me and for us to define it further. it was just simply decided and there was no way of trying to work through it. mind you, we spoke about marriage and future plans so it felt seemingly serious. since the break up, they have not reached out at all. it feels very triggering and extremely sad hearing all the points made in this video, because the signs were all there. the whole time. i know he will never reach out to me again as he will find comfort in the attention of other women in his life through his career.
my heart goes out to everyone who is feeling the loss and pain from being with an avoidant. its definitely not you. and you deserve so much more. so much better love.
I also got the "it's not you, it's me" and "I can't give you what you need because of my traumas". Which was partly true. But he also had a habit of juggling women and got a younger woman pregnant. He was a friend of 25 years and we were always drawn to each other so it was extra hurtful.
Run. Run fast.
Yes please, more videos about how to navigate a relationship with an avoidant man. I’ve found myself in a situation where the man I am dating, started out to be extremely interested and persued me continuously. I have now developed strong feelings for him and he has distanced himself significantly causing me to find this video 😢 Thank you Brian
Brian, I’m a fan of your straightforward insights & advice.
I’m so glad you made a video on Avoidants. Pls make more esp on Fearful Avoidants.
My wonderful soulmate is FA & I’m keen to support him & help him heal & for our relationship to grow into commitment. So videos on how best to support them & also to manage it so that it doesn’t just drift away or be in some twilight zone.
Thanks so much Brian!
My dad was an avoidant man. At his funeral all his children and exes trash talked him, but all his buddies could believe what a good man he was. Unfortunately I was groomed to love an emotionally avoidant man. What a mess!
I’m with one now, believe me it’s hard to handle this man 😢 tank you for a brilliant job,please make another video about this topic 😊👏
Me too, I’m just learning what these terms mean at 36.
I think you are one of the best male advisors on males on the internet today!
💯
Very informative. Just realised my ex (been together 31 years) is an avoidant. Now gone off with a rebound and everything would appear to be lost, but I'm reclaiming who I am so not all bad. Perhaps it's his loss and my gain. Love you direct style and great sense of humour. Thank you
Brilliant insights, thank you! SO true. My dismissive avoidant exboyfriend totally went into flaw-finding mode (finding things about me that were “insurmountable”). He self-sabotaged. He also had the exgirlfriend he pined over, SO true. I am healing my heart and scored as “Secure” on an attachment style quiz. (I scored as “Anxious” during the relationship with him, haha.)
He said he thinks lost his feelings for me because he felt no connection. He lovebombed me and I got attached because he was different. He actually bought me flowers and gifts. He said it very quickly. It's not even been a month since we knew each other. He didn't agree before when I said we were rushing but now he did. When we started talking we just clicked, it felt like I was talking to the male version of myself. We both fell in love cause of how we make each other feel special like no one has ever done. He cried one night cause we fought thinking he would lose me and he even told his mother about me. He said he needed space to think about this, I am afraid of getting hurt. I have given chances to other guys repeatedly and regretted it. I don't wanna make the same mistakes. I also want to see what happened but also I feel like I deserve someone who's always sure of me and he agreed. We both got attached really easily to each other now he is second-guessing while I guess I fell deeper than him or he is just good at detachment or he never loved me. He said he did and I did feel it. I am giving him space until I am feeling better and when I am in the right state of mind to deal with what he has to say later. Can you give me advice?.
This validated my experience i had with a 100% dismissive avoidant over the summer. You're 100% right it's not my job to fix or help him and I recognized that. While he kinda broke things off, I recognized he was right in that we weren't compatible because he wasn't doing any work on himself to mitigate his avoidant attachment style and put it all on me. And for a hot minute, I took it on. Ugh. Glad that's over. Lol 😅
Women are not rehabs for broken men unwilling to grow!! Strong men own their bs!!!
I met an avoidant narcissist 20 years ago when I didn’t know what those terms meant, nor had I ever heard of them. Early on I sensed something was off, he started ignoring me a few weeks into the relationship. One morning I got out of bed and started preparing to break up with him. I hadn’t even spoken a word when he sensed what was going on and said “don’t leave, I love you, I’ve been in a mood, depressed,” etc. He was on the verge of tears. It stopped me in my tracks and I stayed in that relationship for 20 plus years. He was the poster child for avoidant and honestly, so was I. People thought we had a great relationship because we never argued or fought and allowed each other plenty of time alone or with friends. It was a shell of a relationship. There was no intimacy. It fizzled into nothing when times got tough and it ended with a 5 minute telephone conversation. We haven’t spoken since.
Had I known anything at all about relationships at that time…….oh well. Lessons learned in life. I am so happy it ended and that I know have a much greater understanding of what a healthy relationship isn’t.
You had me with "climbing the Everest in a swimsuit"; that is a great metaphor for the efforts it takes. No one can help an avoidant that's unwilling to recognize their own patterns, unfortunately...
With mine for almost 5 years. He asked me to move in with him, after a few months, regardless of how much explaining for the sake of him understanding who and why I am me, when the cycle reached full circle, usually as I've come to see the pattern, every 3 months or so, all of a sudden I am to blame for all the wrongs or issues in his life. When he has admitted multiple times, when he chose to entertain a heartfelt, discussion. Then bam all over again, like those important talks never took place. Constant disrespect, only when he needed help or something for him was I visible. Treated like a nobody, then git breadcrumbs of affection. We'll get through this he'd say, keep faith hope..... always had to be there for him. Never could he be there for me. Long story short. All of a sudden. He kicked me out, it was easier for him. One less person to have to deal with that causes issues. Hmmmm. But yet. Of we do talk. The issue that's Thea actual issue is still fucking up his life as he puts it. Denies me a conversation to answer some of my pondering questions. Did I ever mean anything to you. Was it really just a benefit thing for u financially to have me move in. As he states I do not benefit from you what so ever. Wow heart broken
Im with an avoidantly attached man😶 he wants is when i dont want him. And when i do want him the way He acts and things he says are heartbreaking . He's narcissistic also. This is difficult. And the situation was described incredibly accurately. It's an almost impossible kind of no-win situation. Noreal intimacy.... it's a very lonely feeling.
Does being in that relationship honor you?
There’s your answer about what to do about it…IF you answer the question honestly.
Take good care of yourself.
HONOR YOURSELF.
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
After 2.5 years, I finally walked away. We had talks about his disappearance cycles, talks about how I felt about it, talks about his empty promises, talks about how he wouldn’t hurt me again and again. I guess his avoidance fears are just too great to overcome. He abandoned me once again.
Please make more videos on this! Been dealing with this for almost 8yrs. I’ve never heard it explained so spot on by anyone else. Thank you!
❤the avoidannt vs the narcissist comparisons. More please.
It’s impossible to be in a relationship with him. This makes me feel better about it being over. I got discarded abruptly two weeks ago.
I'm so sorry. ❣️
I'm about to date one that I have worked with. He is in therapy. He suggested that he go by himself when I told him why I didn't want to date him. I can see changes already about 1 year later. He can admit his part in past relationships and takes full accountability for it. He is very eager to learn why he is like he is and what to do so he can adapt.
After listening to this post, I can now see why he likes me. I've got boundaries and say exactly what I expect from him and what I will not put up with. He does not have to guess about much with me, but is it enough?
I've had an avoidant partner for 6 months now. He's unique and wonderful, but when he first pulled away I was shocked. Now I know what it's all about. When we get too emotionally close, he says he wants friendship. Then we "break up" but after a few days the messages become romantic and sexual and we start over again. It seems to me that he's made a lot of progress in these 6 months. It's hard, but I'm patient, because he's a sincere (and good looking) person.
can you make a video FOR the avoidant man please? Your videos are great!
Excellent idea!
Just don’t use the term avoidant, they find it triggering. Oh no don’t use that word either, they find it ‘off putting’
And for the avoidant woman...
@@Pernikitty 😂
Hello Brian, Thank you so much for another amazingly informative video.
I'd really love to watch more of youre videos on avoidant men please, most people will think im crazy if I say I was in a very abusive relationship and im now in an avoidant one we have both had difficult pasts, you asked what it feels like?
For me its like a roller coaster of feeling lonely and then its ok again but then here my heart goes again why do I miss him so much and he seems ok without me? Why do I need so many cuddles and affection? Am I being too needy? Am I too much, maybe im not enough? Oh look at all those xx's hes put on my text 😍
No text night night, course he needs space Claire stop being ridiculous, hes just tired he works hard, you will see him next week when he can.
Just a few random worries & thoughts.
Thank you again I love it when you read until the end 🤗
Broke up with my DA a month ago, after 4 years. I thought I was secure, so this was horrible when he pulled away - I just couldn’t do it any longer. Didn’t know what else to do though..
I date an avoident man. I can feel he loves me, and I love him very much. But he pulled away when he felt I got closer. He texted me that he feels really sad and angry with himself he cannot give me what I need. He is afraid of attaching and then losing people as a result of his childhood trauma. That is why he builds walls to protect himself.
I felt so sad after his confession. I would like to learn more about it.
Thank you for this short but comprehensive and valuable video
Yes, I m with an avoidant. It's hard but it's like a dance or like taming a wild animal. It requires patience and a lot of listening. I would love to know more about this type of man.
I’m a fearful avoidant dating a dismissive avoidant and when we get closer he pulls away. I know I’ve done this with anxious partners, so I am learning about myself. Very challenging
I’m 6 months out from ending my 3 year relationship with an avoidant. These comments are so helpful and validating. Because of this man and everything I’ve been through, I was able to really get in touch with myself by researching and going to counseling. I had turned into someone I didn’t recognize and that bothered me. He reached out twice in the 6 months, wanting to be friends (Not after how he shattered my heart the way he did!) and both times I said Nope, have a nice life! I still have no interest in dating and I’m taking time for myself to heal for the first time in my life (I’m 45). Yes it sucked going through this, but it has also opened my eyes a lot. Good luck all! ❤
Make more videos on the avoidant. Thanks.
Love this video. Please make many more videos about Avoidants. I think it is avery common situation and would help so many people to understand this dynamic in relationships.
Me as a fearful avoidant having both the anxious and avoidant side…I believe I deeply understand DAs….the emotional capacity they have is very very limited more than anyone could believe…they don’t receive any love in so they can’t get anything out you may have been over giving but for him he was all on his own in the relationship all the time…they are trapped in their huge needs that overwhelms them already so he can’t meet anything for you on top
Yes. It was pure hell. Don't do it. It's not worth it. You will leave the relationship completely broken and in need of therapy (if you're a genuine and loving person.)
That was my experience too 🤣 I’m ok now, and back to thriving in my single best life phase after a multiple sessions. Hope you’re doing better too or on the mend at least xx
I’ve learned not to let anyone ‘think’ for me. I don’t let anxious or avoidant people tell me, how I think or how I feel. A typical way of approaching this in therapy is to stay curious and ask questions. You can ask them. Oh how do you know I feel that way? How do you know I am thinking that? What evidence do you have? They are thinking and feeling for you so they can push you away and sabotage the relationship. Don’t let them do this!
Why would a woman want a robot? They might not be bad people, but if they’re not giving the same thing you are, they don’t deserve you. Much love
Wonderful man, we’ve known each other 18 days. He told me right off when we met that he’s anxious/avoidant. So he knows, he’s working on it, divorced two months from his third wife. So I listen, give him space, I’m there for him NM/NY long distance romance
That’s ringing alarm bells, long distance is one of their go-tos for giving just enough of themselves. I truly hope this man is indeed serious about changing, but mine (nearly 4 years in) just seriously reverted as we got closer to making actual plans to move in together. Wants me to move to his vicinity, but won’t entertain moving in until the kids have grown up. 8 years from now.
Update: still a wonderful guy and we text frequently, talk several times a week, however there’s another person in his life. They were engaged 40 years ago and she married someone else, a recent widow. He says we’re BFF so that tells me I’m out of the running. I’m a realist. Useless to cry over what could have been, happy for what was, even if short lived.
I hadn’t realized the walls I’d put around my heart for so many years, the fears still lingering in my soul from years of abuse. He was the catalyst that God used to wake me, heal me, and give me renewed hope and purpose. Love isn’t always about marriage, but it should be about spiritual growth as well.
@@rosemariemartinez4030 ooof sorry to hear it. Do you feel a bit led on?
I am currently in a relationship with an avoidant. He is currently getting therapy, but progress is snail like slow. We are not talking as of yesterday because I can't handle the limbo the relationship is in, and I've asked him to make a real commitment to me. This video has been helpful. I had done all the effort to try to fix him/ the relationship at the expense of my own needs. This has led to frustration and fury on my part. Finally realized I can't fix it. I am hoping he can get the help he needs and wants. I now have to focus on me and my own attachment issues that have kept me in this relationship for so long.
My avoidant guy was happy as long as he was chasing me... As soon as I stopped running he became rude and argumentative and I feel like he rewrote history and started acting like he didn't care, even actively disliked me. This was such a shock and I felt destabilised. I am very confident indeed normally so this was very upsetting. I ve pulled away now, let's see if he warms up again. But it's scary as I ll be afraid of saying the wrong thing, and he might turn against me again. I had studied the psychology of avoidants and was not needy or demanding with him. I think he s an extreme avoidant.
Weirdly, I was thinking about avoidant men when I wrote my original comment, for a different podcast (auto play switched it).
I noted that a man can get freaked out when friends start making comments about the woman like telling him, he's about to loose his freedom and get tied down, when in reality thats not the case.
I am a SIGMA INFJ personality type. I apparently intimidate most men (who understand I dont need them and some can't accept that I am with them because, well, I just want to be). Its a frustrating ideology.
I also attract Avoidant's. I need my own independence and space, but I generally prefer male company to women.
I find dating very confusing. Many men want superficial relationships, but don't ferl safe in anything more serious. And it's not because I am flirty, or unfaithful. Some of the things men have done to me have been pretty harsh.
Weirdly, I'm stabilizing since I have been with my DA. I've been learning so much about myself, I couldn't have done it without his presence in my life. I'm learning how to communicate in a non-judgemental way, how to not be anxious or how to create a safe space and give space.
Even others say I have a lovely energy now. I'm more self-assured, I know my boundaries better and I'm recognising when I slip into people-pleasing mode.
Of course, the relationship has its ups and downs ngl, but I have grown a lot.
My ex-husband was an avoidant and a great guy I’m seeing is also avoidant. Exactly as you said, when I’d said ‘I’m not in a position to be in a relationship’, he was super interested. The moment I get semi close, he closes up and pulls away! Very confusing. This video was actually very useful
Confusing/confusion doesn’t sound great, and to be confused doesn’t FEEL great…at least, to me it doesn’t. It feels awful. But, if being/feeling confused about the behavior of a guy you’re dating is okay for you, carry on.
I dated one periodsxñaly this year. Set times for yourself. Set boundaries and lay out what you are looking for clearly, calmly. Observe. If they do not show you in their actions, walk away. Best thing I ever did and looked after myself . 8 weeks passed and see you later.
Ok ok so, to weed out an avoidant, tell him UP FRONT that you have expectations and here they are? And make sure they're big too, don't be afraid to really ham it up. Scare him away early 😁
Wow! This finally makes sense to me! I started romantically dating a man I was friends for two years. We didn't hang out much. Then we had three weeks of the most amazing love, affection, and connection I have ever had...then boom! Three weeks later, he dumped me! I was devastated and could not make sense of it because he is a good man and I know he truly loved me. Thank you for helping me finally make sense of it all.
You are right from every direction! Perfect Video! Thank You! 😩🙏
What was it like?? Torture. Extreme stress. Crazy-making. Horrible heartbreak in the end. (MULTIPLE heartbreaks!!) Thank you for this video. It is one of the very best I've watched on the subject.
I hear you 🫂
Thank you for talking about avoidant men. There aren't that many videos about it out there. I'd love more videos about this topic.
I have a somewhat avoidant attachment style that I've been working on. and I see that I'm frequently attracted to men who are either unavailable or avoidant themselves. I panic when a man shows a lot of interest in me and that has kept me single for quite a while. I really like what you've said about recognizing the differences between avoidant styles and narcissists and would love to hear more about how to give someone a chance without losing myself in the process.
I once heard a guy describing a situationship that was already on the cusp of falling apart as climbing the everest without oxygen - a rare moment of self awareness I suppose (in the context of this video at least)
Very accurate. It's nice to hear that feeling sth is off is not always a sign of neediness.
Could you please make another video with advice how to detach emotionally from constant pulling& pushing game with such man?
Omg! I can definitely resonate with what you indicated. We were so much in love❤with all the oxytocin. After the 3rd year, he started complaining about all the little things and belittling me. In the end, he discarded me and I had no idea it was coming. He told me that he wanted his space. I was crushed and devastated. It had been 5 months now.
Uggh, I hate the "in limbo" feeling. If avoidants make up 20% to 30%, then I think that I've dated EVERY ONE of them.
Absolutely loved this podcast, I think I’m with this kind of man and it’s really made me have more understanding ❤
I fell hook line and sinker for an avoidant man and then awakened to the fact that I’m too an avoidant woman, hence falling so deeply. What a mess 🤣
lol I love that you put 🤣 that face….you seem like fun
This was bang on right. I had met an avoidant who i felt was attracted to me. But as soon as I felt he realised I liked him too, he ghosted me. Years later, when he is married and I am married to another person he came back. And really looked interested. I am clear about his behaviour now seeing your video. Thank you so much. Make more videos on this topic. One point I felt you should have added was that they are scared of being vulnerable
Wow Brian.. how I wanted you to talk about avoidant attachment style.. Thank you so much.. you hav a lot of wisdom.. you speak words of knowledge
“Hi My name is
David & I’m An
Avoidance!!”
😆😆😆😆
Be Gentle Caring & Helpful!!!
Thank You 🙏🏽
4 sharing Brian
🙏🏽🙏🏼🙏🏽❤️❤️❤️
Brian, please do a video with a detailed technique on how to deal with the avoidant.
This video completely explained to a T what happened in my last relationship. Figured out he was an avoidant however could not grasp it fully. It all makes sense now.
I personally can swing from being avoidant to anxious... But it depends on what kind of energy it's coming at me. We live in a seriously damaged world... Love itself isn't being given too human beings from child hood, birth even!... How can one expect someone to be a healthy emotionally available person when our world is not a healthy place to live? Just look around ... It's beaten into our heads not to trust... Danger everywhere ... Fear this... Fear that .. The difference now, from say 50 years ago is that we have access, visual graphic access, to ALL the reasons why a human being would end up damaged. Think about it... How many kids grow up seeing what love is? At home or anywhere for example? The norm in life is to be guarded and fearful. All that aside... We have a tendency to put labels on everything... Which yes, is helpful for understanding... But we are all different. If two people get together and they are NOT compatible... Why try and force that? It's not giving up on someone... It's just learning to be self aware. So as someone that goes full spectrum here... Avoidant, all the way to anxious... And also spending a decade with a severely abusive narcissist... I would say that the most important things we can do to make a relationship work with someone u genuinely love... Learn to love yourself. Heal... Let go of past trauma. Heal. Forgive... Not for those that hurt us... For ourselves. heal! Trust me, forgiving lifts a burden... And again, we can't give love if we don't have love for ourselves... Similar to u can't pour from an empty cup. I also truly believe that if we adopted some of the values from 50-60 years ago... Went back to courting, dating without sex first... Etc...I think some of these issues would be easier to over come ♥️
He was selfish & lacked empathy when triggered. He also pouted a lot.
Yes mine also. The first time he was pouting. I thought to myself. Is this grown man pouting OMG
Arrested Development! It makes NO SENSE to tolerate that crap from a grown man. Who wants to coddle a King Baby?! Honestly, who?
Thank you Brian, plz make more videos about this topic & the dynamics in the relationship.
Thank you for this very informative and detailed video. It was so helpful on many levels. I was dating an avoidant (unknowingly) and experienced many of the things you described. As of this writing, I am giving him space and time, once again. So I don’t know where this will lead or end. One good thing I did do was remain calm and kind. I knew something was wrong but could not realize what it was.😢 Your presentation is professional and yet personal so you make the viewer feel engaged and appreciated.😊
Also, anxious attachers will do whatever it takes to crack those nuts. It’s super fun.
Excellent video Brian❤❤
Omg thanks for this video. Especially the "you are pressuring me why is this so important to you. Why are you so sensitive and demanding..." He literally does that when I come to close. He is like yeah we can hang out. And even without putting a label on it. If we are together and are happy we don't need a label. And then I said I need a label because otherwise you can still date other girls. And then today because me pressuring he told me I am pushing him away
Well expressed and i have known this for a long time. You do the best synopsis profile
I have been with a dismissive avoidant man for 36 years. How you ask? We got together when there was no language for it and I grew up under those conditions.I thought starving for love was normal and if I felt bad it was my fault.I also learned to live alone as it were. I guess I viewed it that although I wanted more intimacy, I thought at least I can do as I please with no interference and at least he wasnt trying to control all my actions. I am only learning right now that most of my issues I haven't been able to overcome are related to how he and I relate. Your videos are helpful because I understand I am not crazy,controlling,abusive as he tells me I am. I understand what is happening better and am gaining confidence in knowing my feelings are valid and have truth and to understand him. Thank you for your information, I am learning tons. I have worked on myself in huge ways and was can now see why I could only get so far. So yes,more info,especially about long long term relationships. Does anyone else have a dismissive avoidant partner they have been with so long?
I was with my avoident ex for 20 years. For years he spoke of leaving and having his own space. He often went away for weeks at a time to have space for himself but always came back and said he loved me and wanted to work on our relationship. There was no intimacy for the last 7 years of your relationship and he did not want to address that. We got on well on a day to day bases and are home was calm. Eventually he left. I was heartbroken. He moved on within a few months to someone else. I found it difficult to see how easy it was for him to move on. That was 4 years ago. It took me 3 years to recover. Now, I can see the relationship was not fulfilling. I am dreadful he left. Life has more joy without him. I am in a relationship with a secure man. It is fabulous. It feels equal and we talk and connect so easily. I am 50 and I am glad that I will not be growing old with someone who is cold.
17 years, two children. Now separated since April. He abruptly left which is probably the 10 th time. Once on my birthday, once on New Year’s Day, once 6 weeks after a major life changing event. Never there in a crisis. Nearly dies of liver failure when we had split for 2 years, yes still not around. I’ve lost count. He is now in a relationship for the first time within weeks of his exit. Don’t know who she is and he will probably keep her a secret from me for a very long time if he is able .
We only text as he couldn’t take calling me or anyone else .
He wouldn’t commit to living with me even though we lived together for 10 years.
In that time I now realise he was always distant but got used to it.
He lied about small thins and big things in order to avoid any conflict or to just get his own way.
It has made me (anxious attachment) with PTSD and ADHD completely lose who I am and now my self esteem is almost zero.
he would say it was always me and my emotional outbursts that made the relationship breakdown.
He was telling me I was beautiful in December, arranging a surprise anniversary in feb, discussing with my older daughter about arranging a holiday next year. Even agreed to couples therapy then backed out of it.
Then April I became upset about a small issue and he abruptly left saying it wasn’t fair on me without even telling me what was unfair.
Saying he could spend a month without me , saying he doesn’t love me anymore.
I’m completely heartbroken and have spent 6 months ruminating about this. He texts me like I’m a stranger even though I’m the mother of his children. 17 years! Tragedy.
@@louise1031 I've heard it said that Earth is like a school, and it sounds like you've graduated. Painful as it is, I am hopeful that you will come to know a much truer love, starting with realizing that is exactly what you are. Feel love in your very self and be as grateful as you can for everything good and beautiful in life. You will shine again, Louise. Rest and take good care of you. 💗🌹🌿✨
@@louise1031 🫂