As much as you love them and care about them. They end up breaking you in pieces and disregard you like you meant nothing to them. Whats sadder? Is they go back chasing emotionally unavailable people.
Glad to be the 100th person to like this lol. Anyways, thats interesting. Why avoidants chase emotionally unavailable people? I never noticed this before. I thought they chase anxious...
@@DZ-jz8bj hey, they dont. We all just get together with people we are attracted to initially. Hardly any attachment theory is applicable until avoidants get their fears triggered. They get with alot of secures too. However, the relationship naturally breaks down quickly with a secure since secure people trigger avoidant fears quickest. And a secure person generally will not put up with an avoidant for very long when they deactivate. An avoidant however will STAY in a relationship very long with toxic people because toxic people are also emotionally unavailable. They will also stay in a long term rs with another avoidant, who is also basically toxic because they are both emotionally unavailable and dont trigger each others fears. Makes sense?
Secure people leave quickly. Anxious people think things will get better if they only give the avoident everything and suppress their own needs. They are takers and there is no you and your thoughts/feelings. There is no emotional intimacy with the avoident. Healthy people will never be accepting of dealing with that.
@@JessicaMartinez-or4pgwe can’t be loved. A lifetime of being used and manipulated, and being punished for any genuine expression of ourselves robs us of our very personhood
For over four years I was in a relationship with a DA (dismissive avoidant). For so long I gave him so much time and patience to confront these inner issues that were evident at least 2 years into the relationship. I told him I would help him and that I loved him - what better time to work on yourself than with someone who won't give up on you and will love you through it? He refused to do any self-reflecting or any inner work, and when I asked him to make it or break it, he broke it. He broke up with me back in May and I'm still reeling on how fast he packed up and left me; the things he said to me during the breakup and how he acted was so unnerving. It was like I could not recognize this man anymore. I still cry at night over it. I really do not want to be dramatic, but the breakup was so traumatizing for me. I love(d) this man with my whole heart, and for him to break up and treat me like we didn't just have four years together is so hard to reconcile with. At least videos like this give me some answers and maybe one day, closure.
I think most people here know that feeling of shock and confusion of what happened to the person you thought you knew and how blindsiding it they were. Best thing I can say is if you can't get closure, indifference is the next best thing.
That’s how it is with these people unfortunately and it’s very hard to deal with. The key is to learn from it in order to ensure any future relationships are not with avoidants, which is easier said than done
I had 7 years with a DA I completely identify with you . I loved her deeply and I’ve never been so devastated when she ghosted me 10months ago. I went NC and I still suffer at the loss. It’s like mourning death. The fact is , she could heal if she chose to heal. Instead she ran from our emotional intimacy.
@@beIETian ….I agree with you on that, hard as it is for many to accept. It’s as if they think that one more meeting, one more hug, a few kind words, or whatever, will make all the difference when mostly it’s just prolonging it. I discarded an avoidant and the last thing I would want is to see her again. My feeling would be…”which one am I seeing here” because what we see in not authentic
I loved my avoidant for what was underneath the magician’s outfit. But I can walk away now, knowing that I tried my best to show him the love he may never had have. I am rewarded with a new love in the form of a man who is more secure and does not have the same guards up. After my advoidant pulled me close and then pushed me away so many times for three years during a long distance romance, I can finally let go with love. His unhealed self is just not what I need to be happy. I did try, and I can sleep peacefully knowing that I tried to love a tragic character like the advoidant magician.
When you realize that all along they have always had love from others, even if just one other. Then you realize that they're faking that they never had love to get love from you because their always the victim.
@@Confessions089they dont register it internally because they perceive that the love isnt real because its love for the magicians cloak, not the underlying person, meaning they feel as if the love isn't going towards their authentic self, so they cant register it properly anymore.
This is the best explanation of what an avoidant is. I say 'best' because for it clearly shows that it has NOTHING to do with the partner, and there is NOTHING the partner can do to make it better.
This video broke my heart even more than it already was broken. I want to help her heal these wounds but it is impossible. She pushed me away just at the peak of our relationship. I fear we may forever remain strangers now, but it brings me comfort knowing that she might sometimes reminisce on the beautiful once in-a-lifetime love we shared :,(
I feel you, man. Realising my powerlessness in healing them hurt so much, and all I can hope for is they wake up and finally do it themselves until it's too late
Amazing the hurt these people inflict in their relationships. After two years and two break ups and two engagements, I'm in no contact now again and forever with JMS. It's been very hard, but necessary. To go back, to contact her, is just prolonging the pain. I'm looking forward to renewed mental health and someone appreciating me as much as I do her!!!
As someone who is a fearful avoidant I can tell you this; we can’t be helped or healed, we are honestly people who in most cases never should have been born in the first place. You can’t heal from being an aberration
Why not let her read this text along with this video ? As well as fixing you through understanding her! It's the best and only way in my view for it to work. Grow together ❤
This absolutely breaks my heart for them, but also gives me really good clarity. Thank you. I just went through a breakup with a man that I think has FA but leans DA. I've spent the last almost 2 weeks now trying to make sense of why, on one hand, he seemed to genuinely care about me and then, on the other hand, nitpick at me and break it off one week after telling me I was "everything" he was looking for.
I felt like he was wearing a mask and I told him to take it off because he doesn't need one with me. He broke up with me two days later. That's where he drew the line 😂
At some point, you have to realize that is who he is and what he wants to be until he's ready to change if ever. Then you should realize that you're wasting your time and life is too short for this. I know it sounds cliche, but it is truth.
Dear Chris, this is one of the most dramatic, intense and poetic explanations of avoidant' inner drama. I want to thank you for all your efforts and useful but in the same time beautiful videos you make for the world. I wish the man with this vision a victory over his own fears of vulnerbility, I wish all avoidants to let go and let love comes in and save them. This was so sad to watch. God bless you!❤
Yeah, with me he came back 4 times. Wrote me essays of how he will change, promises of the future and building a life together and his willingness to do therapy, blah blah blah. Always triggered around the 3 month stage. Became a completely different person as he slow faded each time until the discard. We had an incredible intellectual connection and I've recently started dating others but the way I did things with the DA has become so familiar to me that other's are not measuring up at the moment. I want to hate him and a part of me does but this behaviour is simply not normal, you just have to pity the guy. I think I'm securly attached so I don't really take it personally because I simply do not know what it feels like to hate myself so much to the point of subconciously cyclying through self sabotage. He is now 40 years old, how immature. Healing and realization takes time guys, all the best.
Chris, an idea for your next vid. Explain how the “ick” works in an avoidant. How they can manage to bury their feelings and love they had for their partner. It’s something that amazes me beyond belief and I think many others would also appreciate.
@@susannahpearethcan5ing in a way it’s like narcissism, it’s the replacement of the real person they were with a constructed identity they needed to survive. The difference is it’s not ego-driven, it’s survival-driven.
@@brownell.landrum how do you know that and why are your trying to dehumanize people with these issues. I notice that anytime women don' get treated the way they want or loved the way they want there is something wrong with the man, he is psycho or narcissist or just not human. What right do you have to say someone can't love? Only because of your experience? And this is not even that "serious" most people are struggling in relationships, we have unrealistic expectations, or no boundaries, no confidence.. it is not always the other person even though it hurts, we also need to take responsibility for the way we act think and talk
The problem is they have first to get to a place where they a forced to reflect. Either bc they just cannot supress their emotions anymore (unlikely) or as you say repeat the cycle of failed relationships so often they literally start to loose their sanity. Currently i am going through a break up with a textbook dismissive avoidant and after 6 weeks of NC i met up with her last weekend to exchange things. She is in complete denial, nearly pressures herself to prove to herself that this was the right choice and treated me like a foreign person. While on the same hand completely acknowledges my personal progress (i lost 20 pounds), and literally told me "my head wanted you so much but my heart did not" (girl WHY the heck dont you ponder 1 sec about this deep internal conflict!?) Its tireing, exhausting and honestly i wouldn't bother any more about dating someone like this. They are definetly not bad ppl (quite the opposite), its not their fault, but it isn't ours either that they just cannot manage their own emotions properly. You can't be your partners therapist.
@@alwaysabiggafish3305 Nope. Immediatly did NC. I was drawn to her bc she was very very very organized in her personal life (much more than i do and like i always wanted to, definetly a topic of my life i fixed and worked on in the recent months) and bc shes genuinely a good person with many positive aspects. Like i said, they are not bad ppl but insanely difficult to get along with properly.
Haha "My head wanted you so much but my heart did not". This is what they serve you to kinda explain to themselves why it didn't work out. These sentences are carefully crafted to deny any responsibility for the situation. Yo, take back your energy and keep it to yourself. You cannot talk it all out to reignite a spark or sth. If they cannot or are not willing to commit to you, you deserve better. Don't turn around. Move on.
When youre in a push pull it all depends on your resilience to that. "I want you around all the time", now "I need space", "I need you to be vulnerable", your feelings trigger them. Then the emotional reasoning they perpetrate. "I can't be what you need" when in fact your needs are them to be congruent with their words consistently. Secure attachment turns into anxious attachment, and I for one chose to end the cycle. I for one have done the work, and felt myself being pulled back into anxiety. I ended it before it reached the point of rupture for them for my own well-being.
So proud of you. I too ended it and the icing on the cake was when he texted " I need a snuggle buddy " and hadn't heard from him since July. I knew that text was sent accidentally and I blocked 🚫 him immediately. I don't like ghosting ,but today I had peace
Preach this. I thought I was super anxiously attached while with an avoidant. So I started learning about attachment styles after a common discard. I thought I was the one damaging what we had. After learning a little I started to “work through the relationship” in my head. Figuring out my thought process at the time, what I should of done in the moment and all that. Self reflection is a key part to moving on. Long story short I would say I am also mostly secure (leaning anxious in some situations). Like you said, being in that dynamic I was slowly getting more and more anxious and I was made out to be the bad guy for wanting different things and in my opinion a healthier relationship dynamic. Once I cut it off the amount of relief I felt was insane. I understand people have their own issues and sometimes it can work, but I will happily never date another avoidant ever again 😂😂 Lesson learned
I hope this makes sense, I'm processing a lot right now. OMG this bought me to tears as I watched this. I saw myself truly, as I am for the very first time in my life. My cloak is actually different but nevertheless the very same. I am feeling this overwhelming sadness right now as I feel emotions surface and true realization of what I have done over many years. I had no idea that I was doing this, I had always reasoned that it was other people expecting too much but I see now that's not what occurred. I found this video so confronting, so overwhelming, so factual about myself, and yet so relieved. I'm going to need some time to fully process my thoughts and feelings about this but, when I feel I can I will endeavor to seek some professional help. Chris, I thank you for making this video, I hear you when you say it's an old topic and it's hard to keep talking about it BUT this video and none of the past videos actually got to me and made absolute sense to me SO, I truly thank you for rehashing the topic. The way you have made this actually got through and made so much sense. Now I need to try and process this information, anxiety, emotion, beliefs and understand my persona. I've been looking at this topic for some time because I thought a friend was an avoidant. I purchased "Attached" to learn more. I know right, sounds odd but i was blaming another person again for problems in a relationship as I was rationalizing it not working out, I read comments that point to avoidants being a pain, problem, strange, well so many options for what people think of us. The truth is for me, I had no true idea it was me and how I am, I had always thought it was other people not me. PLEASE understand this is so very difficult f, my wounds go very deep, and healing is going to take time to say the least. For people that have no tolerance for avoidants, please try to understand us/them, our wounds don't heal. I understand that now. I see my wounds for the very first time, healing is going to be slow as I deal with this. Again, thank you Chris.
Hey Richard I am so happy for you to be able to see now as you may not have in the past. You are now becoming "self aware" and starting to unpack your stuff and look at your childhood wounds & patterns will help you tremendously & I wish you so much success. However, the only caveat is for anyone dealing with a DA please please if they are not well into their healing & self aware run & run fast. I know this may offend some but for you for physical, mental, financial & emotional health get out ASAP. It's too large of an endeavor to take on for them. Everyone has to do there own work & you will be a shell of yourself if you stay & try to keep giving chance after chance and more of yours self as they take more of your soul while have no accountability nor remorse. Now I did warn ⚠️ you but we are all grown & u can do what u like but I would hate for you to wake ⏰️ up years later looking at yourself & not recognize the person looking back at you. Most of us have trauma so spend your time on you & your inner child wounds not theirs & once you're secure u will not even be attracted them at all.❤
Thank you for sharing. How do you suggest I gently ask my ex one last time to meet for coffee? I really need closure and can’t move on. Please help me x
"I do ALL relationship work, or YOU do all relationship work" Avoidants take roles, they can't share with an equal partner. First they court, but as soon as the other person starts helping out a bit in the courtship, the avoidant stops everything, and lets the other person do exactly all emotional work.
My ex--wife is a dismissive avoidant and an introvert. When I first met her, though, she was very social and I thought that she was somewhat extroverted. Turns out, it's just a facade. She is a social person when she NEEDS to interact with people, but she chooses not to interact with people very often. And thus, her social persona is her protective persona. In reality, she really has no self identity. Essentially, nobody knows who she truly is, not even me, her husband. She is often exhausted. She attempted to meet my needs but it was really just politeness, a performance - she was just being a pleaser, acquiescing, nothing else. Now she's trying to take care of herself, meet her own needs. She wears makeup for herself. After years of asking her to take care of herself or exercise she finally did so but not until she wanted to separate. And she truly doesn't see anything that she's doing wrong. It's odd because she herself believes that a relationship is two people who don't actually need each other but just "add value". In other words, she meets her own needs, her partner meets their own needs.
I have no strong feelings that this absolutely right, but in my experience "I want you, I dont need you" *is* healthy attachment. I believe relationships work best when both people can acknowledge that they're replaceable AND have the confidence to believe it would be a downgrade. I like this advice because it helps both kinds of person to stay in balance. If you are so indispenseable to your partner that it would be unreasonable to expect another human being to do what you're doing for your partner, you need more self respect. If on the other hand almost anyone else would do the same, you're probably more selfish in your relationship than you want to admit to yourself. Humans are afterall biased to view our own efforts benevolently. And if "average" is your most benevolent take, you are probably under performing average. And on the other foot because we've run out of hands, if you think you are the only person in the world who would love your partner still, you are almost guaranteed to already hate your partner for one reason or another. So leave.
From someone that got broken up with from a dismissive avoidant. Please, please, try to work on yourselves. I say that in the truest most csring way possible. Not for other people's sake only but for yourselves. You will save ypurself so much hurt if you face the ache sooner and treat it rather than keep getting into relationships and wrecking yourself and tour partner emotionally and potentially in other ways too. Im trying not to hold malice against my avoidant ex and i dont think i do but the hurt he caused was unlike any other. He kept saying we're good, i want to get married and move, i want you to meet my uncle etc.. then all of a sudden nothings okay and everything is wrong at once. I was so confused blaming myself for everything, thinking what else could i have done. Nothing, i did everything i cpuld and i deserved better than that treatment. Please look into yourselves for your sakes and for your future partners sake ❤ I truly loved him
I wish you the best on your healing journey . Thank you for yoir transparency. I can feel how you loved him ,and had the courage to move on. Love conquered hate . Proud of you 👏
Yeah, I proposed and she ran. "I don't love you anymore" but later would say "I still love you" or "I can't hate you" etc. I'm proud to say that I finally got over that hump with the Lord's help. I can self regulate and feel comfortable being alone, though, that internal feeling for validation is still there but I can choose to act on it better now. I'm going to be a completely new man. If she does return, she's getting one more chance but she needs to communicate and do therapy or I won't even consider it.
Third time they’ve reached out after two painful periods of having to deal with the heartbreak of them going cold on me. Long periods of unintentional “no contact” I guess has now led to new interest once again. “I miss your cuddles” etc. I will not be fooled again.
The dismissive avoidant tricks you into thinking they are normal. They even wear a magicians outfit to play the part of the trickster. Eventually they get tired of their outfit, charade, and find a new one to wear. They toss the outfit away along with their audience. On to the new participant, and the death wheel continues. There, fixed it for you lol
@@salvomig2368 you’re not wrong, they trick you with love bombing, make you think they can love you and are all in this relationship but it’s all an act because once you fall for that charade, it triggers their fears of closeness & engulfment and potentially finding out they’re not this person and they gotta blast before you do but now you’re already attached by this point and have no idea why they want to break up because in your fantasy land things were going good so you thought but it isn’t reality.
very true, not any one’s responsibility except their own; and yet relationships and a desire for intimacy beyond self requires another party so to avoid ppl like me who gained an avoidant attachment style really only perpetuates our belief no one would truly accept us or stick by us.
ya know, I do want to say, this is why boundaries are important; if staying clear of ppl with avoidant attachment is necessary for you then by all means; but I also feel like making it such a rule for every one is sad and actually part of the equation that prevents a solution.
@@divinelymoowah6104 boundaries of any sort send avoidants fleeing and discarding people usually. Thats the problem. Ultimately avoidant behaviours are oxymoronic of a healthy relationship, the bulk of the healing lies with avoidant attachers, then the anxious, then lastly the secure. To sustain a relationship with avoidant folks defies the very meaning of connection, and is redundant. You guys don't get the immense flak online just by chance, you get it because your behaviours are extremely, and sometimes permanently damaging to healthy loving people who engaged with you because avoidants often masquerade as secure/anxious attachers at first, ESPECIALLY if people are unaware of attachment theory and do not have the knowledge to make sense of all the little things that pop up that don't present a big enough problem to cut the relationship short. And when emotional intimacy truly builds and people attach, thats when exactly avoidants deactivate.
@@divinelymoowah6104 i have dealt with an avoidant and i almost lost my sanity trying to understand what i did wrong the relationship. He kept using the silent treatment, which in itself is a form of emotional abuse to gain the upper hand in the relationship until i decided to walk away from his life.
@@divinelymoowah6104 No one would stick with you because your inner demon is triggered by your partner. With this setup it is impossible to stay and to help. It's like one of the only cases where your partner actually harms you (and more importantly him/herself) if he tries to stick with you and help you through it. The partner of an avoidant is like a syringe full of heroin to a drug addict. You have to do a big part of the healing process first (with therapy) and afterwards a partner can actually help you heal. It's not because people don't want to stay ( I really tried with my avoidant) it is, that it is impossible (I got discarded) and unhealthy (I never got emotionally abused so hard only recognising it in hindsight, after watching a ton of videos on this matter to help me heal) So Avoid the avoidants at all cost, as long as they are not actively working on themselves (therapy) is a really true statement warning everyone about your inner demons and not a warning about your true personality. I am so sad for people with avoidant attachment style. I wish them all the best and that they will get the help they need! It's an attachment issue made in hell. I wouldn't want my biggest enemy to have it!
I enjoy learning the behavior of an Avoidant. It tells me what is me, and what is as the Agressive so I don't get hard on myself. I've secretly wanted this type all along because they "do see" the worth of you as it's also obscured. They are a perfect mirror of what needs to be fixed / adjusted on both sides. When my avoidant comes back, I will be nervous, though I will know how to handle him. He's SO worth it to me.
Just be careful. It's your life and only you know your situation. I'm planning on doing the same but I'm giving her space for right now while focusing on myself.
I was tired of the avoidant bs so I told him to stop contacting me so he blocked me from messaging me. I blocked him on everything bc I just needed to move on. It’s been a year & I unblocked him bc I do miss him & noticed at some point he unblocked me too. It’s weird how no contact affects them. I’m an FA so I kinda understand but still. I told him if he wanted space he could have it & he said otherwise but his actions spoke louder 🤷🏻♀️
I was with an avoidant and she ended up equating all we did all the time we spent into a number of days. No compassion, no sentimental value, in fact she called me emotionally immature. Its really messed up.
i appreciate your effort to keep helping us, despite how exhausting it must be to keep rehashing the same points and find a new idea to further illuminate us - an anxious attachment struggling on the path to becoming a secure attachment
Who says you have to heal anything ? Being anxious in a relationship with one of these emotionally unavailable avoidant types is a perfectly normal human response and serves as a very strong indicator to get the hell away from that person. Get with the right person and there is no anxiety. If anything you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs. Good luck
@@cspace1234nz The problem is anxious have no boundaries and have a hard time cutting avoidants off. Anxious should definitely work towards secure attachment but more from the point of self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself. in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above. in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that *i* have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz [weird, idk why my reply disappeared because i replied before but okay ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ] thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself. in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above. in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that i have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz [weird, i replied to this before and it disappeared ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ] thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself. in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above. in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that i have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
I felt relieved leaving the avoidant because I too, due to him being the way he is molded me in a way to walk on eggshells, modify my moods, people please, remain silent while copping the abuse, and doing everything to self soothe without him picking up on me not being ok. Hell, he would ask when my period was due and then blame me for his anxiety because he was waiting for my hormones to make me a little quiet. They are impossible to make happy, commit, be nice and welcoming. They are hell wrapped up in a body. He sucked the life and sparkle out of me, and it still wasn't enough. Now I get to be me authentically and not worry about a consequence for it
This makes so much sense! My ex always said that his fear was that I’d realize that he isn’t as great as I thought he was and I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I told him that prob was never going to happen and it was an irrational fear but he did the pull away and discard before it could happen anyway. So this video really helped me see that maybe he’d been wearing a magician’s outfit all this time and that’s what he meant by he was afraid I’d find out he wasn’t as great as I thought he was because he knew he was putting on a performance all this time. We dated long distance for a year so this could’ve very well just been a facade. I feel like he acted one way on text/phone and a different way in person it was quite confusing and lots of mixed messages all the time.
@@doglover5519 I know right? Looking back it was a lot of surface level minimum effort texts that I thought we were connecting over but you really can only build connection from in person quality time spent together but if they don’t even do that than forget it!
I noticed that avoidants have ZERO sense of time, they challenge destiny all day like they live forever. my avoidant always futurefaked like we have still time and talks about stuff in the past like it happened yesterday. it's so annoying when you want to connect but they know they can put you on hold and you still will be there if nothing else happens and if something happens they dont even make the math to understand they self sabotaged everything can't connect with a new romance interest, because theyre all unhealed cptsd people can't connect with the old one, because they are control freaks who aren't even in control of their own emotions.
This, EXACTLY! They are never in a rush, they even avoid the smallest problems and bury their heads in the sand all the time if it means not talking and facing their partners. It’s so exhausting to deal with them, in the end only resentment keeps growing…
I can relate, and it's so sad. After recovery, I will try to find someone with a secure attachment but I know that is almost impossible. People my age are lonely for a reason.
Very beautifully said, in a poetic way. So basically it's very similar to the concept of the ''imposter syndrome''. The main question is HOW to gradually take this outfit off in real connections... - Maybe the answer is to first see how it feels to feel safe taking the cape off at times in a controlled environment - therapy! with a non-judgemental therapist, maybe this is how healing can begin, very very tiny slow healing of feeling safe for seconds and moments with a therapist who will not leave you after seeing you being your true self in front of them. It will take years for some avoidants, or decades... It will be a much needed miracle that they will also meet the RIGHT super compassionate and evolved and mature partner, tons of patience, maybe a healer type of personality... chances for all of this to happen are not high, and - they might leave her too, leaving her drained of being there for them and getting so little of her needs met in return. It is kind of a mess, we all know that.
@@AABTBS it wont happen. Such healthy emotional responses trigger their fears because they get forced to look inwards when the other person is mature and available. And they will find themselves inadequate and discard the healthy partner first. With another emotilnally unavailable person - they will stay
I am that compassionate loving healer type. I did have an avoidant fall in love with me. I thought he was a diamond in the rough, I thought my compassionate non judgmental love would heal him. It took years, endless gentleness. But in the end, even though he had opened his heart, his capacity to love was limited and childlike and self centered. Sometimes he was sweet and affectionate but only when he was in the mood to be, especially when I was letting him be lazy and making very few normal adult demands on him (for example: be consistent in your financial contributions, do chores once in awhile, etc). As soon as any real expectations were in place, and I’d express my frustration over lack of accountability, he would get triggered and avoid his feelings with weed and withhold sex. It became codependent and toxic and I left with no regrets. Only regret was to think I could foolishly love someone into healing. They have to want to grow and work on themselves. So please be aware, even if they do start to love, it’s not necessarily going to be in a mature adult way. I walked away and learned much.
This is growing and healing. Allowing your emotions. When you do feel all these emotions and go through them, you will be able to call when you need or ask for help, and do the things that were imposible or extremely hard before.
Avoidants are narcissistic. Avoid them and run!!!! You deserve better. It’s draining to deal with their trauma. Even if they say “I’m willing to change”. Look at their actions and consistency, never words.
Narcissists do not bond. They might look avoidant or anxious and even having a disorganized attachment style depending of their needs or the mask they choose to wear. They might get use to you as the main supply but that doesn't mean they bond with someone. Narcissists don't bond with anyone.
Subtle adaptability is within healthy interaction. I believe the da has many outfits. Most are uncomfortable to wear. I also believe when they discard and avoid. They are uncomfortable with the garb. Self autonomy allows them to be truly without the HEAVY weight of the outfit. The uncomfortable truth that their own skin is the costume they hate!
Thank you for sharing the magician’s outfit. It helps me better understand how my partner may be feeling. To an extent don’t we all wear a mask or magician outfit at first? As you get to know the other person, build trust it goes away. I guess it’s the coping skills and self esteem that’s different. How do you let someone know it’s ok to be themselves? We really do only want to love them. It’s ok for both people to not be perfect. We are humans after all.
I had a close friendship with an avoidant person. I think I had an anxious attachment style. I went to therapy. She didn't. Over time the friendship felt worse and worse, feeling gross and draining. I wanted to talk to her about my frustration. What followed was a 6 month breakup where she blamed me for her behavior. She became increasingly more dismissive while never accepting responsibility for how painful her dismissive behavior was. She told me she wants to remain no contact but invited me to reach out to her in the future so she can consider reconnecting. I told her she will never hear from me again.
@@dexteradams6515 bravo. Anxious attachment is way better than avoidant, theres just no comparison for insecure attachments. Accountability, responsibility and willingness to change are on an anxious person's plate. Avoidants? Hell nah. Horrible people with the emotional capacity of a 1 year old
Big Chris I’ve been following you for a while. Could we see some videos on dismissive avoidance that are affected by midlife crisis/depression? my wife and girlfriend of over 22 years with three children was doing good till her mom passed. She was able to manage all of her avoidant struggles but when she hit her 40s and her mother passed from cancer and I suspect childhood emotional neglect she ran for the hills separated from me abandon the kids, her job and friends. I’d love some insight on something like that. I continue to pray that the Lord will change her heart and I pray for reconciliation for all of us.
I have a twin flame dismissive avoidant known each other 10 years she normally blocks and ghosts when the energy is too much recently she said she doesn’t want to be part of my life anymore and told me not to speak to her anymore funny she didn’t block over the years she always comes back. She experienced trauma growing up from parents and relationships all kinds of abuse at times I see past her walls and the hurtful things she says or does when she runs. She would come back and say stuff like did you think I didn’t love or care about you. Or would get reminded of me by the universe. I’m not chasing anymore just want this game to stop, she needs help healing from her past pain and trauma
This is exactly what I expirenced for six years now Everytime I come close she said I trigger her and she left,leaving me With grieve. I listen to all your video s and I understand her better. But I slowly understand that rhis is not the life for me even when I still love her very much. Its so strange to see this unfold everytime
No matter how hard you try to speak their language and give them space and understand them until and unless they reflect on their own self it's all waste of effort tbh..been there n m completely destroyed
lol six years - no thanks, i am in my first year and I already know how I will put her through the same emotional hell she did to me if she ever tries to reconnect lol.
@@echokammersurvivor2210 incase if he comes back I'll play the same exact uno reverse card on him .. honeymoon phase nah nah I'll make sure it'll be the hell phase..
@@Samantha-hj9bl I feel you,it destroyed my self worth I put all the effort in her If there was a problem I solved it Car broken I fixed it No money? I payed Everything Maybe I should not say that because I did and gave it With love But when I had a hernia and could not leave the couch she just dissaperd to her girlfriends witch she had a appontmant for a meeting Leaving me all by my self. I was always so confidant,but I m only a shadow of myself there days. She is now under EMDR HYPSNOSE She told me a little bit of her past and it was very sad to hear and as a Leo sign I want to fix al of here problems Leo’s are very loyal But it doesnt matter what you do or did They forget everything in a fee weeks And is you remind her of it…she left. My hart en mind is in a contant stuggel. I have met a lady who want to do everything for me. She is kind smart everything Normally you would be glad to have someone in your life like that And I listen everyday to the NC RUclips films Otherwise I seek answers and contact her But I learned “sometimes you don t get any answers. I really “suffer” at this moment I cant go and continue With an other woman That i think in couple of months she is back With great story’s about our live and what is going to change and I? I will fall for it again I guess I was in my past a real player Even i was always far about what she could expect from me,I still have broken Many hearts I think its karma now its mine turn to feel the pain. Life is one big lesson. Sorry for my english,it not my native language so I try to write it understandeable Greeting from the netherlands
Chris this video is awesome. Spot on! I have been following you for three years. I have watched 100’s of videos and this is great. But during that time I actually went back to school and became certified as an integrated attachment via coach to add an additional layer to my management of actors. Anyway. Bravo. You do great work . Look forward to connecting
Once again REMARKABLE. However This wasn't rally about what the title suggested, but priceless anyway. And, funny synchronicity: this is all sparked by a guy called TIMELY AD. I happen to have just commented an hour ago how RUclips Ads have changed my life. I made that comment at Rufus Reads it... who specializes in reading Reddit stories! This video, however, was already in my bookmarks since last week. Just watching it now. I have been burned out lately by the whole DA topic but tonight I feel more purpose and clarity than EVER. THANK YOU CHRIS, YOU ROCK Also, chakras.
Really great video, makes a lot of sense. I guess I missed the part about what they hope for when you go no contact though? My experience tells me they hope you reach out. But not too soon, not too often, and not with expectation of response. I gather they don't want to be forgotten, but they don't want to be pestered...it's a fine line. Does that ring true?
As an anxious, I think we wear sometimes a mask as well, i think i tried to wear the mask of a put together person who has ambitions and ideas for her life and at the same time is emotional and ready to connect emotionally. But then my very emotional nature triggered them and they started to see it as a personal attack, like "oh no my mask fell, now i am my unworthy-never-doing-enough self, i have to run away" and they ran away
Oh, I see myself here, and now in doubt, if my last Text was too good for Himmel, I gave Himmel the nourishing he asked for, maybe too much, maybe too late( a Day later), I have no idea.... got no sign for 10 days
Wow. This is really spot on. The very first I got upset with him, he confessed that he thought about breaking up. You can't tell them anything that they take it as an attack. These ppl need HELP.
I don’t understand why anyone would keep trying to repair things with an avoidant. It seems like a constant struggle and an inevitable feeling of pain & defeat.
My love is an avoidant and sometimes I just want to shake them and say I love you just the way you are. You don’t have to be or do anything for that love!! I know you need your space. I want you to have that. And everything you want in this life. But stop pushing me away. I’m on your side. I’m here when you need me. He seems to think he always has to act a certain way. And all I want is him with the scraggly hair and messy shirt. No James Bond, no John Hamm man’s man. Just him as he is adorably frumpy and nerdy and just so much a beautiful mess. As the missionary kid, I definitely know something about always keeping up appearances. My parents would get irritated because I didn’t want to wear a metaphorical mask. I’m the black sheep and yet still believe in God and go to church. I’m a mess but I own it. I think that is why I draw so many emotionally unavailable men because secretly they want to just say fuck it and be who they really are. Life is too short. Love on those avoidants. They need to be loved just as they are.
I literally watched this before bed and woke up with something to say. Lol I dated an avoidant one that I truly loved. I have BPD sooooo we know how I acted. 😂 But I will say this, this metaphor makes since. In a similar way to me there is a “mask” here but the difference between him and I is he’s spent his whole life perfecting it. Where as I’m completely controlled by subconscious mind. Also. In addition to that i believe that avoidance leads back to just as many narcissistic tendencies as someone with a true personality disorder. It’s sad that someone can live there whole life and not even realize the call is coming from inside the house. I believe that if he was more authentic to who he was he would’ve been a much better partner during my episodes. All in all I really hope he finds your content. That he can find some healing he has no connection with father or self confidence. Sometimes I wonder if he even felt worthy of me.. he really rushed a relationship even though I wanted to take it slow…
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
Chris, a free idea for a video: what if anxious people are just unttractive and end up getting into relationships where they have to people please a lot to compensate, and avoidants look for someone who can bear with them, and since it's not that many people they end up with anxious people who they know are less attractive than them, and it's only this that allows for a relationship to start in the first place, and also partially explains constant doubt of the avoidant. If the avoidants were able to heal their core wound preventing them from having relationship with most people, they will just pick someone at their level of attractiveness, and the anxious partner won't have a chance. So maybe staying anxious and avoidant is actually the only chance for the anxious partner to have a relationship with the avoidant partner, and he shouldn't want to heal themselves and the avoidant, at least without reaching the same attractiveness level, which might be impossible for some people.
I am pretty sure there are anxious people of all attractiveness levels. From what I know it's an attachment style mainly born from having inconsistent love from one's parents. And I think being with someone really avoidant can also create or heighten anxious tendencies. I was pretty secure in my attachment style, with fearful avoidant tendencies (and different tendencies would be triggered by different people's attachment styles). I have felt both fear of abandonment and the feeling of being trapped in relationships. Now I think my style is mainly anxious and I think it happened after a confusing dating interaction with someone extremely avoidant. I am pretty mad at myself for not seeing it for what it was before it really pulled me in, but all I can do is learn from it now. Also, I think I am a reasonably attractive person, and I know I can be a lot of peoples' type physically. I would say it was generally more the case that my physical appearance has pulled people in and my personality has pushed some of them away than the other way around (this was mainly before years of therapy). And if you look at my profile and call me ugly that's fine, I am sure plenty of people find me ugly too. -- also, this whole comment assumes you were referring to physical attractiveness (as commonly used), not another notion of attractiveness
Well it’s mostly not AI. Just some of the images are. The rest is meticulously crafted by myself and my editors. RUclips had the option to mention if AI was used in the video and I decided to say that it was since technically some of the images are. Figure it’s better to be completely up front about everything!
Honestly, avoidants have a demon, the demon of self hate, and he's an awful one, you were given a vision for a reason, embrace the unconditional love, the love that made its self human, christ will turn that demon like a shadow in the light.. I did
People have shown me in so many ways that myself is not good enough, so I totally understand the suspicion of anyone who wants to be with me. Seems like something is not right, I just remember all the bullying and remember the freedom to be alone.
So sad 😢😢😢. I learnt about avoidants after a series of ghosting and I tell you I will never get angry at them again or take it personally, now, I look back these people showed signs of trauma. It's so sad 😢. Some of them came back to me months later, it was strange because at that time I didn't understand avoidants, I would have been more open with my arms if I did, I would have told them everything is gonna be okay.
Yeah but when I pulled away, my ex got super anxious and started accusing me of sabotaging the relationship with radio silence. Even though I pulled away cause she was being weird, cold, and distant. You’d think an avoidant would like this. But nope, it’s only on their terms.
The difficulty with healing, is seeing how you were so blind and used and question your compass for love and a quality partner. Our culture of dating severely damaged with dating apps, social media ( that the pun “social” you become not social), texting as communication or likes and hearts, gifs etc! So many have poor social skills, poor communication and skip the risk of vulnerability as anyone can fall back on a dating app or social media. I say fuck that we need a quick overhaul, so we have less lonely or single. We all need unconditional love from a human not just the fur baby
I'm sorry if I missed it, but what is it they actually hope for when they go no contact??? I don't think the question was answered directly. Is it to take the mask off or to put it back on? To finally be able to breathe by being alone or to be connected and show their authentic self? Do avoidants want you back or do they want to move on? Do they even know?
I think the one I was with had regrets and just when I thought he was back to his "normal" self, the guy I fell in love with, he was worse off then before. As bad I feel for him, I can't go back to someone who disregarded my feelings and I took too much regard for his.
I’m so afraid and I just want to do things right. I care for her so much. I realize that I have gone through something similar and I won’t let any of that crap those feelings define me. Because of that, it’s all gone away. I hope she can do the same thing in time. She’s willing to work on her issues and that makes me feel better, but how much longer can I wait?
Coach we really need an explanation video about Dismissive Avoidants so that we can show it to our Avoidant to help them understand what they're dealing with. My biggest problem is my avoidant wife of 23 years doesnt think anything is wrong with her
Chris, how come you only tell the stories of an avoidant from the female lens? You never speak from the male perspective of dating an avoidant woman. Please do something for the gents, they're struggling with avoidant women too
I'm right at the crossroads in my relationship. İm a therapist and in therapy myself from coming out of a narcissist relationship. Then, lo and behold i have attracted an avoidant, wheter fearful or dismissive i don't know. My 'person' is intellectual and a fascinating man. But he has had a painful early life, abandoned by both parents very young. He has taken off his 'cloak' where he becomes highly emotional. He is an insomniac, ADHD, maybe BPD too. He will suddenly find it sll too much and default to his work. He then lets me down. İts all about his career where he is highly successful and influential. I'm exhausted and too late realized what im dealing with after thinking I'd found such a compatible person i connect with. We have so many lovely things ee share but he'll suddenly disappear. İ am at the point where i have to decide what to do. We have talked a lot about his trauma and that i trigger him. But he doesn't want to consider therapy. He will revert to robotic speak at times where he's like a completely different person. Very upsetting and confusing. 😢😢
I'm an avoidant. If I avoid someone, I'm just not that into them. Yeah when they get over me I (used to, I healed certain things) get upset and want them back, but only out of ego, not love. If they had caved in I would have run again, without exception. People, spare yourself the pain, move the fuck on. That person just does not love you. I've met real love since and would never dream of avoiding it. Because it's fucking RIGHT.
Unpopular opinion: as an anxiously attached person it would do you well to try to understand an avoidant attachment person. Then you see the full picture of the anxious /avoidant dance. That the two, no matter what it looks like on the surface, are very hurt individuals. But the good news is both can heal. You just can’t do the healing for them. They must want to heal for themselves first & foremost. Seeing the bigger picture gives you a better chance of developing a secure attachment style. Start seeing people as souls, it helps. 😉
I just want to know he’s okay. I’ve accepted it’s over and I genuinely just want to make sure he’s doing ok. I don’t know how to get him to talk to me and not just feel empty without him in my life. I loved him so much and was willing to compromise. He was just done didn’t want to talk barely responded to my messages. It’s been 9 months. He ended up blocking me. I am still broken and very very confused but I’m starting to reach the acceptance phase of grief. However, to move on I still need closure and I’m considering trying one more time and then that’s it. I don’t know what to say to gently coax him he’s like a rubix cube. Anyone get any ideas on what to say? Please don’t tell me I already got closure. I didn’t. I would not even bother asking this if I had closure. I have adhd and I want to know he’s okay.
So I guess it's kind of their way of saying there is never closer.... And they leave you with that. I have been in the same situation or I am in the same situation.
There is another stage called replacement. I am an avoidant who monkey bars through relationships. I start new ones before I've ended the first. I know it's bad, but I've been doing it my whole life. Sometimes, i feel bad about doing that, but most of the time, i don't feel bad.
These videos are great if Avoidants are asking for help. In my situation I just ended it since I started recognizing the signs that I've seen before, and I just can't with that shit any longer.
I'm married to an avoidant,. any attempt to improve intimacy of any kind is met from her with irritation, frustration and sometimes even outright fits of rage which result in her telling me how my wanting closeness and connection is a serious problem that I have to either get over or get out. She shows no desire to give a microscopic fraction of affection to keep me. A 15 year long relationship that feels like living with a room mate,.. lonely depressing and unfulfilling,. getting worse with time and I am no longer trying to get closer to her,. just looking forward to dying and no longer having to endure it all.
Dying?? Because of a human being that doesn't love you?? You sure don't love love yourself too. Instead of leaving you prefer to die because you don't want to do the work. Why are you with some one that treats you this way for long? Your freedom is in the answer
When we were together I would tell him, I see the real you and that’s who I love. He would get so offended and almost mad at me. I never understood why, until after our break up and discovered he was FA. It’s just heartbreaking to learn how they feel inside. 💔
I really wanted to comment on the recent video on avoidants, but the comments were off... Im an avoidant. And i started to work on facing my feelings. My shadows. It's painful. But i started it. Esp when my anxiety attacks started because of the pressure build up. I always thought about myself being an anxiously attached person. But ive been an avoidant all my life. I lost someone i cared about deeply. And i truly am changing. But i need some help to face myself. Cuz i have so many questions.
As much as you love them and care about them. They end up breaking you in pieces and disregard you like you meant nothing to them. Whats sadder? Is they go back chasing emotionally unavailable people.
Glad to be the 100th person to like this lol. Anyways, thats interesting. Why avoidants chase emotionally unavailable people? I never noticed this before. I thought they chase anxious...
@@DZ-jz8bj hey, they dont. We all just get together with people we are attracted to initially. Hardly any attachment theory is applicable until avoidants get their fears triggered. They get with alot of secures too. However, the relationship naturally breaks down quickly with a secure since secure people trigger avoidant fears quickest. And a secure person generally will not put up with an avoidant for very long when they deactivate. An avoidant however will STAY in a relationship very long with toxic people because toxic people are also emotionally unavailable. They will also stay in a long term rs with another avoidant, who is also basically toxic because they are both emotionally unavailable and dont trigger each others fears. Makes sense?
Secure people leave quickly. Anxious people think things will get better if they only give the avoident everything and suppress their own needs. They are takers and there is no you and your thoughts/feelings. There is no emotional intimacy with the avoident. Healthy people will never be accepting of dealing with that.
Exactly they are not worth it. The woman that lied and cheated on me I would never take her back.
@johndoe8that is the saddest thing 923-k2d
From someone who has loved of one these people dearly
Don’t be afraid to take the cloak off. We don’t wanna love a facade. We want to love YOU.
you are a beautiful gentle soul 🥰💝 I appreciate the love you’re choosing to share and extend to the rest of us along our journey
They don’t want to be loved ..as per my experience with an avoidant
How could you love someone you never really knew?
@@JessicaMartinez-or4pgwe can’t be loved. A lifetime of being used and manipulated, and being punished for any genuine expression of ourselves robs us of our very personhood
@@michaeladams6154 they take it off sometimes
For over four years I was in a relationship with a DA (dismissive avoidant). For so long I gave him so much time and patience to confront these inner issues that were evident at least 2 years into the relationship. I told him I would help him and that I loved him - what better time to work on yourself than with someone who won't give up on you and will love you through it? He refused to do any self-reflecting or any inner work, and when I asked him to make it or break it, he broke it. He broke up with me back in May and I'm still reeling on how fast he packed up and left me; the things he said to me during the breakup and how he acted was so unnerving. It was like I could not recognize this man anymore. I still cry at night over it.
I really do not want to be dramatic, but the breakup was so traumatizing for me. I love(d) this man with my whole heart, and for him to break up and treat me like we didn't just have four years together is so hard to reconcile with. At least videos like this give me some answers and maybe one day, closure.
I think most people here know that feeling of shock and confusion of what happened to the person you thought you knew and how blindsiding it they were.
Best thing I can say is if you can't get closure, indifference is the next best thing.
That’s how it is with these people unfortunately and it’s very hard to deal with. The key is to learn from it in order to ensure any future relationships are not with avoidants, which is easier said than done
I had 7 years with a DA
I completely identify with you .
I loved her deeply and I’ve never been so devastated when she ghosted me 10months ago.
I went NC and I still suffer at the loss. It’s like mourning death. The fact is , she could heal if she chose to heal. Instead she ran from our emotional intimacy.
Why do you think you need closure , when you ask him to make it or break it? And he chose to break up. I'd consider that as closure, no.
@@beIETian ….I agree with you on that, hard as it is for many to accept. It’s as if they think that one more meeting, one more hug, a few kind words, or whatever, will make all the difference when mostly it’s just prolonging it.
I discarded an avoidant and the last thing I would want is to see her again. My feeling would be…”which one am I seeing here” because what we see in not authentic
I loved my avoidant for what was underneath the magician’s outfit. But I can walk away now, knowing that I tried my best to show him the love he may never had have.
I am rewarded with a new love in the form of a man who is more secure and does not have the same guards up.
After my advoidant pulled me close and then pushed me away so many times for three years during a long distance romance, I can finally let go with love. His unhealed self is just not what I need to be happy. I did try, and I can sleep peacefully knowing that I tried to love a tragic character like the advoidant magician.
Good for you. 🎉 hoping the rest of us catch the same train 😊
When you realize that all along they have always had love from others, even if just one other. Then you realize that they're faking that they never had love to get love from you because their always the victim.
@@Confessions089they dont register it internally because they perceive that the love isnt real because its love for the magicians cloak, not the underlying person, meaning they feel as if the love isn't going towards their authentic self, so they cant register it properly anymore.
This is the best explanation of what an avoidant is. I say 'best' because for it clearly shows that it has NOTHING to do with the partner, and there is NOTHING the partner can do to make it better.
Yea it's literally a cancer.
Thx for this comment.
This video broke my heart even more than it already was broken. I want to help her heal these wounds but it is impossible. She pushed me away just at the peak of our relationship. I fear we may forever remain strangers now, but it brings me comfort knowing that she might sometimes reminisce on the beautiful once in-a-lifetime love we shared :,(
Me too 😢
I feel you, man. Realising my powerlessness in healing them hurt so much, and all I can hope for is they wake up and finally do it themselves until it's too late
Amazing the hurt these people inflict in their relationships. After two years and two break ups and two engagements, I'm in no contact now again and forever with JMS. It's been very hard, but necessary. To go back, to contact her, is just prolonging the pain. I'm looking forward to renewed mental health and someone appreciating me as much as I do her!!!
As someone who is a fearful avoidant I can tell you this; we can’t be helped or healed, we are honestly people who in most cases never should have been born in the first place. You can’t heal from being an aberration
Why not let her read this text along with this video ? As well as fixing you through understanding her! It's the best and only way in my view for it to work. Grow together ❤
This absolutely breaks my heart for them, but also gives me really good clarity. Thank you. I just went through a breakup with a man that I think has FA but leans DA. I've spent the last almost 2 weeks now trying to make sense of why, on one hand, he seemed to genuinely care about me and then, on the other hand, nitpick at me and break it off one week after telling me I was "everything" he was looking for.
I felt like he was wearing a mask and I told him to take it off because he doesn't need one with me. He broke up with me two days later. That's where he drew the line 😂
my heart goes out to him but also 😂😭😂
At some point, you have to realize that is who he is and what he wants to be until he's ready to change if ever. Then you should realize that you're wasting your time and life is too short for this. I know it sounds cliche, but it is truth.
😅
😂😂😂
Funny but hurts they need to let us love them
Dear Chris, this is one of the most dramatic, intense and poetic explanations of avoidant' inner drama.
I want to thank you for all your efforts and useful but in the same time beautiful videos you make for the world.
I wish the man with this vision a victory over his own fears of vulnerbility, I wish all avoidants to let go and let love comes in and save them. This was so sad to watch.
God bless you!❤
🥰😌👏🏼you’ve a kind soul
Yeah, with me he came back 4 times. Wrote me essays of how he will change, promises of the future and building a life together and his willingness to do therapy, blah blah blah. Always triggered around the 3 month stage. Became a completely different person as he slow faded each time until the discard. We had an incredible intellectual connection and I've recently started dating others but the way I did things with the DA has become so familiar to me that other's are not measuring up at the moment. I want to hate him and a part of me does but this behaviour is simply not normal, you just have to pity the guy. I think I'm securly attached so I don't really take it personally because I simply do not know what it feels like to hate myself so much to the point of subconciously cyclying through self sabotage. He is now 40 years old, how immature. Healing and realization takes time guys, all the best.
Chris, an idea for your next vid. Explain how the “ick” works in an avoidant. How they can manage to bury their feelings and love they had for their partner. It’s something that amazes me beyond belief and I think many others would also appreciate.
I'm not sure they are actually able to "love."
The can only love that you loved them.
They can't love YOU because it's all about THEM.
@@brownell.landrumalmost narcissistic
@@susannahpearethcan5ing in a way it’s like narcissism, it’s the replacement of the real person they were with a constructed identity they needed to survive. The difference is it’s not ego-driven, it’s survival-driven.
@@brownell.landrum how do you know that and why are your trying to dehumanize people with these issues. I notice that anytime women don' get treated the way they want or loved the way they want there is something wrong with the man, he is psycho or narcissist or just not human. What right do you have to say someone can't love? Only because of your experience? And this is not even that "serious" most people are struggling in relationships, we have unrealistic expectations, or no boundaries, no confidence.. it is not always the other person even though it hurts, we also need to take responsibility for the way we act think and talk
@@Angie.GiGi.Ari.86 Thank you so much for proving you know nothing about Dismissive Avoidants and Attachment Theory!
The problem is they have first to get to a place where they a forced to reflect. Either bc they just cannot supress their emotions anymore (unlikely) or as you say repeat the cycle of failed relationships so often they literally start to loose their sanity.
Currently i am going through a break up with a textbook dismissive avoidant and after 6 weeks of NC i met up with her last weekend to exchange things.
She is in complete denial, nearly pressures herself to prove to herself that this was the right choice and treated me like a foreign person.
While on the same hand completely acknowledges my personal progress (i lost 20 pounds), and literally told me "my head wanted you so much but my heart did not" (girl WHY the heck dont you ponder 1 sec about this deep internal conflict!?)
Its tireing, exhausting and honestly i wouldn't bother any more about dating someone like this.
They are definetly not bad ppl (quite the opposite), its not their fault, but it isn't ours either that they just cannot manage their own emotions properly. You can't be your partners therapist.
What drew you to her? That’s something you should explore.
@@jenniferbyrne4567 Very true indeed and very deep ..
Were you trying to explain to her how you can fix things?
@@alwaysabiggafish3305 Nope. Immediatly did NC.
I was drawn to her bc she was very very very organized in her personal life (much more than i do and like i always wanted to, definetly a topic of my life i fixed and worked on in the recent months) and bc shes genuinely a good person with many positive aspects. Like i said, they are not bad ppl but insanely difficult to get along with properly.
Haha "My head wanted you so much but my heart did not". This is what they serve you to kinda explain to themselves why it didn't work out. These sentences are carefully crafted to deny any responsibility for the situation.
Yo, take back your energy and keep it to yourself. You cannot talk it all out to reignite a spark or sth. If they cannot or are not willing to commit to you, you deserve better. Don't turn around. Move on.
When youre in a push pull it all depends on your resilience to that. "I want you around all the time", now "I need space", "I need you to be vulnerable", your feelings trigger them. Then the emotional reasoning they perpetrate. "I can't be what you need" when in fact your needs are them to be congruent with their words consistently. Secure attachment turns into anxious attachment, and I for one chose to end the cycle. I for one have done the work, and felt myself being pulled back into anxiety. I ended it before it reached the point of rupture for them for my own well-being.
Same.. literally same situation
So proud of you. I too ended it and the icing on the cake was when he texted " I need a snuggle buddy " and hadn't heard from him since July. I knew that text was sent accidentally and I blocked 🚫 him immediately. I don't like ghosting ,but today I had peace
Preach this.
I thought I was super anxiously attached while with an avoidant. So I started learning about attachment styles after a common discard.
I thought I was the one damaging what we had.
After learning a little I started to “work through the relationship” in my head. Figuring out my thought process at the time, what I should of done in the moment and all that. Self reflection is a key part to moving on.
Long story short I would say I am also mostly secure (leaning anxious in some situations). Like you said, being in that dynamic I was slowly getting more and more anxious and I was made out to be the bad guy for wanting different things and in my opinion a healthier relationship dynamic.
Once I cut it off the amount of relief I felt was insane.
I understand people have their own issues and sometimes it can work, but I will happily never date another avoidant ever again 😂😂
Lesson learned
I hope this makes sense, I'm processing a lot right now.
OMG this bought me to tears as I watched this. I saw myself truly, as I am for the very first time in my life. My cloak is actually different but nevertheless the very same. I am feeling this overwhelming sadness right now as I feel emotions surface and true realization of what I have done over many years. I had no idea that I was doing this, I had always reasoned that it was other people expecting too much but I see now that's not what occurred. I found this video so confronting, so overwhelming, so factual about myself, and yet so relieved. I'm going to need some time to fully process my thoughts and feelings about this but, when I feel I can I will endeavor to seek some professional help. Chris, I thank you for making this video, I hear you when you say it's an old topic and it's hard to keep talking about it BUT this video and none of the past videos actually got to me and made absolute sense to me SO, I truly thank you for rehashing the topic. The way you have made this actually got through and made so much sense. Now I need to try and process this information, anxiety, emotion, beliefs and understand my persona.
I've been looking at this topic for some time because I thought a friend was an avoidant. I purchased "Attached" to learn more. I know right, sounds odd but i was blaming another person again for problems in a relationship as I was rationalizing it not working out, I read comments that point to avoidants being a pain, problem, strange, well so many options for what people think of us. The truth is for me, I had no true idea it was me and how I am, I had always thought it was other people not me. PLEASE understand this is so very difficult f, my wounds go very deep, and healing is going to take time to say the least.
For people that have no tolerance for avoidants, please try to understand us/them, our wounds don't heal. I understand that now. I see my wounds for the very first time, healing is going to be slow as I deal with this.
Again, thank you Chris.
Hey Richard I am so happy for you to be able to see now as you may not have in the past. You are now becoming "self aware" and starting to unpack your stuff and look at your childhood wounds & patterns will help you tremendously & I wish you so much success.
However, the only caveat is for anyone dealing with a DA please please if they are not well into their healing & self aware run & run fast. I know this may offend some but for you for physical, mental, financial & emotional health get out ASAP. It's too large of an endeavor to take on for them. Everyone has to do there own work & you will be a shell of yourself if you stay & try to keep giving chance after chance and more of yours self as they take more of your soul while have no accountability nor remorse. Now I did warn ⚠️ you but we are all grown & u can do what u like but I would hate for you to wake ⏰️ up years later looking at yourself & not recognize the person looking back at you. Most of us have trauma so spend your time on you & your inner child wounds not theirs & once you're secure u will not even be attracted them at all.❤
Thank you for sharing. How do you suggest I gently ask my ex one last time to meet for coffee? I really need closure and can’t move on. Please help me x
Half the work is admitting it and owning the projections onto others. Your literally farther than most
"I do ALL relationship work, or YOU do all relationship work"
Avoidants take roles, they can't share with an equal partner. First they court, but as soon as the other person starts helping out a bit in the courtship, the avoidant stops everything, and lets the other person do exactly all emotional work.
This is a great video but didn’t really answer the title of the video. What do avoidants hope for during no contact?
My ex--wife is a dismissive avoidant and an introvert. When I first met her, though, she was very social and I thought that she was somewhat extroverted. Turns out, it's just a facade. She is a social person when she NEEDS to interact with people, but she chooses not to interact with people very often. And thus, her social persona is her protective persona. In reality, she really has no self identity. Essentially, nobody knows who she truly is, not even me, her husband. She is often exhausted. She attempted to meet my needs but it was really just politeness, a performance - she was just being a pleaser, acquiescing, nothing else. Now she's trying to take care of herself, meet her own needs. She wears makeup for herself. After years of asking her to take care of herself or exercise she finally did so but not until she wanted to separate. And she truly doesn't see anything that she's doing wrong. It's odd because she herself believes that a relationship is two people who don't actually need each other but just "add value". In other words, she meets her own needs, her partner meets their own needs.
Ironically and unfortunately men value this highly in society 😢 -from a woman
I have no strong feelings that this absolutely right, but in my experience "I want you, I dont need you" *is* healthy attachment. I believe relationships work best when both people can acknowledge that they're replaceable AND have the confidence to believe it would be a downgrade.
I like this advice because it helps both kinds of person to stay in balance. If you are so indispenseable to your partner that it would be unreasonable to expect another human being to do what you're doing for your partner, you need more self respect. If on the other hand almost anyone else would do the same, you're probably more selfish in your relationship than you want to admit to yourself. Humans are afterall biased to view our own efforts benevolently. And if "average" is your most benevolent take, you are probably under performing average. And on the other foot because we've run out of hands, if you think you are the only person in the world who would love your partner still, you are almost guaranteed to already hate your partner for one reason or another. So leave.
Reading you post is like I’m reading about my husband
Wow. Reading this you are describing my girlfriend. Thanks for the validation.
@@milkphish4122 you're welcome. Better to find this out now than be married for a long time wondering why your relationship is so difficult
From someone that got broken up with from a dismissive avoidant. Please, please, try to work on yourselves. I say that in the truest most csring way possible. Not for other people's sake only but for yourselves. You will save ypurself so much hurt if you face the ache sooner and treat it rather than keep getting into relationships and wrecking yourself and tour partner emotionally and potentially in other ways too. Im trying not to hold malice against my avoidant ex and i dont think i do but the hurt he caused was unlike any other. He kept saying we're good, i want to get married and move, i want you to meet my uncle etc.. then all of a sudden nothings okay and everything is wrong at once. I was so confused blaming myself for everything, thinking what else could i have done. Nothing, i did everything i cpuld and i deserved better than that treatment. Please look into yourselves for your sakes and for your future partners sake ❤ I truly loved him
I feel you 😢 so true.... Your lines made me cry. Same here....
I wish you the best on your healing journey . Thank you for yoir transparency. I can feel how you loved him ,and had the courage to move on. Love conquered hate . Proud of you 👏
Yeah, I proposed and she ran. "I don't love you anymore" but later would say "I still love you" or "I can't hate you" etc. I'm proud to say that I finally got over that hump with the Lord's help. I can self regulate and feel comfortable being alone, though, that internal feeling for validation is still there but I can choose to act on it better now. I'm going to be a completely new man. If she does return, she's getting one more chance but she needs to communicate and do therapy or I won't even consider it.
Third time they’ve reached out after two painful periods of having to deal with the heartbreak of them going cold on me. Long periods of unintentional “no contact” I guess has now led to new interest once again. “I miss your cuddles” etc. I will not be fooled again.
I’m in the exact same situation right now. I want to be open to her but have been burned several times before and cannot and will not do it again.
The dismissive avoidant tricks you into thinking they are normal. They even wear a magicians outfit to play the part of the trickster. Eventually they get tired of their outfit, charade, and find a new one to wear. They toss the outfit away along with their audience. On to the new participant, and the death wheel continues.
There, fixed it for you lol
Their next victim😂🎉
I like this explanation. It's fun and informative at the same time.
death wheel,😂😂😂
@@salvomig2368 you’re not wrong, they trick you with love bombing, make you think they can love you and are all in this relationship but it’s all an act because once you fall for that charade, it triggers their fears of closeness & engulfment and potentially finding out they’re not this person and they gotta blast before you do but now you’re already attached by this point and have no idea why they want to break up because in your fantasy land things were going good so you thought but it isn’t reality.
Wtf? Dude is confusing avoidants with narcs lol. Misinformation spreading enjoyer
Just like their name 'Avoidants' , avoid them at all costs. Its not your responsibilty to deal with their trauma.
very true, not any one’s responsibility except their own; and yet relationships and a desire for intimacy beyond self requires another party so to avoid ppl like me who gained an avoidant attachment style really only perpetuates our belief no one would truly accept us or stick by us.
ya know, I do want to say, this is why boundaries are important; if staying clear of ppl with avoidant attachment is necessary for you then by all means; but I also feel like making it such a rule for every one is sad and actually part of the equation that prevents a solution.
@@divinelymoowah6104 boundaries of any sort send avoidants fleeing and discarding people usually. Thats the problem. Ultimately avoidant behaviours are oxymoronic of a healthy relationship, the bulk of the healing lies with avoidant attachers, then the anxious, then lastly the secure. To sustain a relationship with avoidant folks defies the very meaning of connection, and is redundant. You guys don't get the immense flak online just by chance, you get it because your behaviours are extremely, and sometimes permanently damaging to healthy loving people who engaged with you because avoidants often masquerade as secure/anxious attachers at first, ESPECIALLY if people are unaware of attachment theory and do not have the knowledge to make sense of all the little things that pop up that don't present a big enough problem to cut the relationship short. And when emotional intimacy truly builds and people attach, thats when exactly avoidants deactivate.
@@divinelymoowah6104 i have dealt with an avoidant and i almost lost my sanity trying to understand what i did wrong the relationship. He kept using the silent treatment, which in itself is a form of emotional abuse to gain the upper hand in the relationship until i decided to walk away from his life.
@@divinelymoowah6104 No one would stick with you because your inner demon is triggered by your partner.
With this setup it is impossible to stay and to help. It's like one of the only cases where your partner actually harms you (and more importantly him/herself) if he tries to stick with you and help you through it.
The partner of an avoidant is like a syringe full of heroin to a drug addict.
You have to do a big part of the healing process first (with therapy) and afterwards a partner can actually help you heal.
It's not because people don't want to stay ( I really tried with my avoidant) it is, that it is impossible (I got discarded) and unhealthy (I never got emotionally abused so hard only recognising it in hindsight, after watching a ton of videos on this matter to help me heal)
So Avoid the avoidants at all cost, as long as they are not actively working on themselves (therapy) is a really true statement warning everyone about your inner demons and not a warning about your true personality.
I am so sad for people with avoidant attachment style. I wish them all the best and that they will get the help they need! It's an attachment issue made in hell. I wouldn't want my biggest enemy to have it!
I enjoy learning the behavior of an Avoidant. It tells me what is me, and what is as the Agressive so I don't get hard on myself. I've secretly wanted this type all along because they "do see" the worth of you as it's also obscured. They are a perfect mirror of what needs to be fixed / adjusted on both sides. When my avoidant comes back, I will be nervous, though I will know how to handle him. He's SO worth it to me.
Just be careful. It's your life and only you know your situation. I'm planning on doing the same but I'm giving her space for right now while focusing on myself.
I was tired of the avoidant bs so I told him to stop contacting me so he blocked me from messaging me. I blocked him on everything bc I just needed to move on. It’s been a year & I unblocked him bc I do miss him & noticed at some point he unblocked me too. It’s weird how no contact affects them. I’m an FA so I kinda understand but still. I told him if he wanted space he could have it & he said otherwise but his actions spoke louder 🤷🏻♀️
I was with an avoidant and she ended up equating all we did all the time we spent into a number of days. No compassion, no sentimental value, in fact she called me emotionally immature. Its really messed up.
i appreciate your effort to keep helping us, despite how exhausting it must be to keep rehashing the same points and find a new idea to further illuminate us
- an anxious attachment struggling on the path to becoming a secure attachment
Who says you have to heal anything ?
Being anxious in a relationship with one of these emotionally unavailable avoidant types is a perfectly normal human response and serves as a very strong indicator to get the hell away from that person.
Get with the right person and there is no anxiety. If anything you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs. Good luck
@@cspace1234nz The problem is anxious have no boundaries and have a hard time cutting avoidants off. Anxious should definitely work towards secure attachment but more from the point of self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself.
in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above.
in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that *i* have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz [weird, idk why my reply disappeared because i replied before but okay ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ]
thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself.
in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above.
in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that i have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz [weird, i replied to this before and it disappeared ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ]
thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself.
in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above.
in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that i have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
I felt relieved leaving the avoidant because I too, due to him being the way he is molded me in a way to walk on eggshells, modify my moods, people please, remain silent while copping the abuse, and doing everything to self soothe without him picking up on me not being ok. Hell, he would ask when my period was due and then blame me for his anxiety because he was waiting for my hormones to make me a little quiet. They are impossible to make happy, commit, be nice and welcoming. They are hell wrapped up in a body. He sucked the life and sparkle out of me, and it still wasn't enough. Now I get to be me authentically and not worry about a consequence for it
This makes so much sense! My ex always said that his fear was that I’d realize that he isn’t as great as I thought he was and I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I told him that prob was never going to happen and it was an irrational fear but he did the pull away and discard before it could happen anyway. So this video really helped me see that maybe he’d been wearing a magician’s outfit all this time and that’s what he meant by he was afraid I’d find out he wasn’t as great as I thought he was because he knew he was putting on a performance all this time. We dated long distance for a year so this could’ve very well just been a facade. I feel like he acted one way on text/phone and a different way in person it was quite confusing and lots of mixed messages all the time.
Yes!!! Same thing happened to me. I don't even think I really know him now???
@@doglover5519 I know right? Looking back it was a lot of surface level minimum effort texts that I thought we were connecting over but you really can only build connection from in person quality time spent together but if they don’t even do that than forget it!
@@ShopgirlNY182 Same with long distance and different in person than phone and text, especially at the beginning
I noticed that avoidants have ZERO sense of time, they challenge destiny all day like they live forever.
my avoidant always futurefaked like we have still time and talks about stuff in the past like it happened yesterday.
it's so annoying when you want to connect but they know they can put you on hold and you still will be there if nothing else happens
and if something happens they dont even make the math to understand they self sabotaged everything
can't connect with a new romance interest, because theyre all unhealed cptsd people
can't connect with the old one, because they are control freaks who aren't even in control of their own emotions.
This, EXACTLY! They are never in a rush, they even avoid the smallest problems and bury their heads in the sand all the time if it means not talking and facing their partners. It’s so exhausting to deal with them, in the end only resentment keeps growing…
I can relate with this so so much
I can relate, and it's so sad. After recovery, I will try to find someone with a secure attachment but I know that is almost impossible. People my age are lonely for a reason.
Very beautifully said, in a poetic way. So basically it's very similar to the concept of the ''imposter syndrome''.
The main question is HOW to gradually take this outfit off in real connections... -
Maybe the answer is to first see how it feels to feel safe taking the cape off at times in a controlled environment - therapy!
with a non-judgemental therapist, maybe this is how healing can begin, very very tiny slow healing of feeling safe for seconds and moments with a therapist who will not leave you after seeing you being your true self in front of them.
It will take years for some avoidants, or decades...
It will be a much needed miracle that they will also meet the RIGHT super compassionate and evolved and mature partner, tons of patience, maybe a healer type of personality... chances for all of this to happen are not high, and - they might leave her too, leaving her drained of being there for them and getting so little of her needs met in return.
It is kind of a mess, we all know that.
@@AABTBS it wont happen. Such healthy emotional responses trigger their fears because they get forced to look inwards when the other person is mature and available. And they will find themselves inadequate and discard the healthy partner first. With another emotilnally unavailable person - they will stay
I am that compassionate loving healer type. I did have an avoidant fall in love with me. I thought he was a diamond in the rough, I thought my compassionate non judgmental love would heal him. It took years, endless gentleness. But in the end, even though he had opened his heart, his capacity to love was limited and childlike and self centered. Sometimes he was sweet and affectionate but only when he was in the mood to be, especially when I was letting him be lazy and making very few normal adult demands on him (for example: be consistent in your financial contributions, do chores once in awhile, etc). As soon as any real expectations were in place, and I’d express my frustration over lack of accountability, he would get triggered and avoid his feelings with weed and withhold sex. It became codependent and toxic and I left with no regrets. Only regret was to think I could foolishly love someone into healing. They have to want to grow and work on themselves. So please be aware, even if they do start to love, it’s not necessarily going to be in a mature adult way. I walked away and learned much.
This is growing and healing. Allowing your emotions. When you do feel all these emotions and go through them, you will be able to call when you need or ask for help, and do the things that were imposible or extremely hard before.
they're exhausted from people pleasing and not the one they know they should be giving attention to🤣
AKA 304s
@@CitiesOfAshThey are just players😂🎉
@@777-h6nwhat's with the party emoji?
They’re players for real
Sjoe, I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Things get better as you simplify presentation. Well done!
Avoidants are narcissistic. Avoid them and run!!!! You deserve better. It’s draining to deal with their trauma.
Even if they say “I’m willing to change”. Look at their actions and consistency, never words.
Narcissists do not bond. They might look avoidant or anxious and even having a disorganized attachment style depending of their needs or the mask they choose to wear.
They might get use to you as the main supply but that doesn't mean they bond with someone.
Narcissists don't bond with anyone.
@Lyrielonwind they make you feel like you are bonding until they have successfully gained the resources that they wanted from you. 😊
Not all avoidants are narcissistic
Spot on, sadly.
Most are though, one has to ignore other peoples pain to usr the strategies they do, which is inherently narcissistic
Subtle adaptability is within healthy interaction. I believe the da has many outfits. Most are uncomfortable to wear. I also believe when they discard and avoid. They are uncomfortable with the garb. Self autonomy allows them to be truly without the HEAVY weight of the outfit. The uncomfortable truth that their own skin is the costume they hate!
Break up?? That sounds NICE - I got GHOSTED 👻 1ST time ever 😔
Same here
Thank you for sharing the magician’s outfit. It helps me better understand how my partner may be feeling. To an extent don’t we all wear a mask or magician outfit at first? As you get to know the other person, build trust it goes away. I guess it’s the coping skills and self esteem that’s different. How do you let someone know it’s ok to be themselves? We really do only want to love them. It’s ok for both people to not be perfect. We are humans after all.
I had a close friendship with an avoidant person. I think I had an anxious attachment style.
I went to therapy.
She didn't.
Over time the friendship felt worse and worse, feeling gross and draining. I wanted to talk to her about my frustration.
What followed was a 6 month breakup where she blamed me for her behavior. She became increasingly more dismissive while never accepting responsibility for how painful her dismissive behavior was. She told me she wants to remain no contact but invited me to reach out to her in the future so she can consider reconnecting.
I told her she will never hear from me again.
@@dexteradams6515 bravo. Anxious attachment is way better than avoidant, theres just no comparison for insecure attachments. Accountability, responsibility and willingness to change are on an anxious person's plate. Avoidants? Hell nah. Horrible people with the emotional capacity of a 1 year old
She sounds delightful. Imagine dating this trainwreck 🤣
Big Chris I’ve been following you for a while. Could we see some videos on dismissive avoidance that are affected by midlife crisis/depression? my wife and girlfriend of over 22 years with three children was doing good till her mom passed. She was able to manage all of her avoidant struggles but when she hit her 40s and her mother passed from cancer and I suspect childhood emotional neglect she ran for the hills separated from me abandon the kids, her job and friends. I’d love some insight on something like that. I continue to pray that the Lord will change her heart and I pray for reconciliation for all of us.
I have a twin flame dismissive avoidant known each other 10 years she normally blocks and ghosts when the energy is too much recently she said she doesn’t want to be part of my life anymore and told me not to speak to her anymore funny she didn’t block over the years she always comes back. She experienced trauma growing up from parents and relationships all kinds of abuse at times I see past her walls and the hurtful things she says or does when she runs. She would come back and say stuff like did you think I didn’t love or care about you. Or would get reminded of me by the universe. I’m not chasing anymore just want this game to stop, she needs help healing from her past pain and trauma
You need to have inner union. That will strengthen the third Divine golden and blue energy that is your connection and help you both heal.
Sounds like she does need trauma based therapy
This is exactly what I expirenced for six years now
Everytime I come close she said I trigger her and she left,leaving me With grieve.
I listen to all your video s and I understand her better.
But I slowly understand that rhis is not the life for me even when I still love her very much.
Its so strange to see this unfold everytime
No matter how hard you try to speak their language and give them space and understand them until and unless they reflect on their own self it's all waste of effort tbh..been there n m completely destroyed
lol six years - no thanks, i am in my first year and I already know how I will put her through the same emotional hell she did to me if she ever tries to reconnect lol.
@@echokammersurvivor2210 incase if he comes back I'll play the same exact uno reverse card on him .. honeymoon phase nah nah I'll make sure it'll be the hell phase..
@@Samantha-hj9bl wish you good luck that he tries to reconnect soon, grey rocking this like a boss
@@Samantha-hj9bl I feel you,it destroyed my self worth
I put all the effort in her
If there was a problem I solved it
Car broken I fixed it
No money?
I payed Everything
Maybe I should not say that because I did and gave it With love
But when I had a hernia and could not leave the couch she just dissaperd to her girlfriends witch she had a appontmant for a meeting
Leaving me all by my self.
I was always so confidant,but I m only a shadow of myself there days.
She is now under EMDR HYPSNOSE
She told me a little bit of her past and it was very sad to hear and as a Leo sign I want to fix al of here problems
Leo’s are very loyal
But it doesnt matter what you do or did
They forget everything in a fee weeks
And is you remind her of it…she left.
My hart en mind is in a contant stuggel.
I have met a lady who want to do everything for me.
She is kind smart everything
Normally you would be glad to have someone in your life like that
And I listen everyday to the NC RUclips films
Otherwise I seek answers and contact her
But I learned “sometimes you don t get any answers.
I really “suffer” at this moment
I cant go and continue With an other woman
That i think in couple of months she is back With great story’s about our live and what is going to change and I?
I will fall for it again I guess
I was in my past a real player
Even i was always far about what she could expect from me,I still have broken Many hearts
I think its karma now its mine turn to feel the pain.
Life is one big lesson.
Sorry for my english,it not my native language so I try to write it understandeable
Greeting from the netherlands
this is such a well done video, i like the illustrations.
this is amazing, more material like this!
Where does the immediate rebound fit in there?
Love the music choices in your videos
Chris this video is awesome. Spot on! I have been following you for three years. I have watched 100’s of videos and this is great. But during that time I actually went back to school and became certified as an integrated attachment via coach to add an additional layer to my management of actors. Anyway. Bravo. You do great work . Look forward to connecting
Once again REMARKABLE. However This wasn't rally about what the title suggested, but priceless anyway.
And, funny synchronicity: this is all sparked by a guy called TIMELY AD. I happen to have just commented an hour ago how RUclips Ads have changed my life. I made that comment at Rufus Reads it... who specializes in reading Reddit stories!
This video, however, was already in my bookmarks since last week. Just watching it now. I have been burned out lately by the whole DA topic but tonight I feel more purpose and clarity than EVER. THANK YOU CHRIS, YOU ROCK
Also, chakras.
oh my gosh you are very talented. I was enthralled this whole time
Really great video, makes a lot of sense. I guess I missed the part about what they hope for when you go no contact though?
My experience tells me they hope you reach out. But not too soon, not too often, and not with expectation of response. I gather they don't want to be forgotten, but they don't want to be pestered...it's a fine line.
Does that ring true?
As an anxious, I think we wear sometimes a mask as well, i think i tried to wear the mask of a put together person who has ambitions and ideas for her life and at the same time is emotional and ready to connect emotionally. But then my very emotional nature triggered them and they started to see it as a personal attack, like "oh no my mask fell, now i am my unworthy-never-doing-enough self, i have to run away" and they ran away
Oh, I see myself here, and now in doubt, if my last Text was too good for Himmel, I gave Himmel the nourishing he asked for, maybe too much, maybe too late( a Day later),
I have no idea.... got no sign for 10 days
Sounds like fearful avoidant
Wow. This is really spot on. The very first I got upset with him, he confessed that he thought about breaking up. You can't tell them anything that they take it as an attack. These ppl need HELP.
How do people survive like this?
I don’t understand why anyone would keep trying to repair things with an avoidant. It seems like a constant struggle and an inevitable feeling of pain & defeat.
such a good explanation thanks - from a currently healing Fearful avoidant
My love is an avoidant and sometimes I just want to shake them and say I love you just the way you are. You don’t have to be or do anything for that love!! I know you need your space. I want you to have that. And everything you want in this life. But stop pushing me away. I’m on your side. I’m here when you need me.
He seems to think he always has to act a certain way. And all I want is him with the scraggly hair and messy shirt. No James Bond, no John Hamm man’s man. Just him as he is adorably frumpy and nerdy and just so much a beautiful mess. As the missionary kid, I definitely know something about always keeping up appearances. My parents would get irritated because I didn’t want to wear a metaphorical mask. I’m the black sheep and yet still believe in God and go to church. I’m a mess but I own it. I think that is why I draw so many emotionally unavailable men because secretly they want to just say fuck it and be who they really are. Life is too short. Love on those avoidants. They need to be loved just as they are.
Good!!! Wish you follow that path with love and strengh and him!
But you also deserve to be wanted in loved....
Gosh, I feel the same! also wanted to shake them and that I am here, why are you throwing everything into the trash?
this was incredibly interesting and informational
I literally watched this before bed and woke up with something to say. Lol I dated an avoidant one that I truly loved. I have BPD sooooo we know how I acted. 😂 But I will say this, this metaphor makes since. In a similar way to me there is a “mask” here but the difference between him and I is he’s spent his whole life perfecting it. Where as I’m completely controlled by subconscious mind. Also. In addition to that i believe that avoidance leads back to just as many narcissistic tendencies as someone with a true personality disorder. It’s sad that someone can live there whole life and not even realize the call is coming from inside the house. I believe that if he was more authentic to who he was he would’ve been a much better partner during my episodes. All in all I really hope he finds your content. That he can find some healing he has no connection with father or self confidence. Sometimes I wonder if he even felt worthy of me.. he really rushed a relationship even though I wanted to take it slow…
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
I promise you will not regret it.
Great video, thank you 💗
This is some pretty heavy sh*t.
Not really, just stay away from avoidants. Simple
@garyforbes8711
‘tis not for the faint of heart
ironic huh lol😖😭🤪🙃 I would know
excellent presentation
Chris, a free idea for a video: what if anxious people are just unttractive and end up getting into relationships where they have to people please a lot to compensate, and avoidants look for someone who can bear with them, and since it's not that many people they end up with anxious people who they know are less attractive than them, and it's only this that allows for a relationship to start in the first place, and also partially explains constant doubt of the avoidant.
If the avoidants were able to heal their core wound preventing them from having relationship with most people, they will just pick someone at their level of attractiveness, and the anxious partner won't have a chance. So maybe staying anxious and avoidant is actually the only chance for the anxious partner to have a relationship with the avoidant partner, and he shouldn't want to heal themselves and the avoidant, at least without reaching the same attractiveness level, which might be impossible for some people.
I am pretty sure there are anxious people of all attractiveness levels. From what I know it's an attachment style mainly born from having inconsistent love from one's parents. And I think being with someone really avoidant can also create or heighten anxious tendencies.
I was pretty secure in my attachment style, with fearful avoidant tendencies (and different tendencies would be triggered by different people's attachment styles). I have felt both fear of abandonment and the feeling of being trapped in relationships.
Now I think my style is mainly anxious and I think it happened after a confusing dating interaction with someone extremely avoidant. I am pretty mad at myself for not seeing it for what it was before it really pulled me in, but all I can do is learn from it now.
Also, I think I am a reasonably attractive person, and I know I can be a lot of peoples' type physically. I would say it was generally more the case that my physical appearance has pulled people in and my personality has pushed some of them away than the other way around (this was mainly before years of therapy). And if you look at my profile and call me ugly that's fine, I am sure plenty of people find me ugly too.
-- also, this whole comment assumes you were referring to physical attractiveness (as commonly used), not another notion of attractiveness
Chris what AI do you use for making these videos? Your quality has improved immensely
Well it’s mostly not AI. Just some of the images are. The rest is meticulously crafted by myself and my editors. RUclips had the option to mention if AI was used in the video and I decided to say that it was since technically some of the images are. Figure it’s better to be completely up front about everything!
Honestly, avoidants have a demon, the demon of self hate, and he's an awful one, you were given a vision for a reason, embrace the unconditional love, the love that made its self human, christ will turn that demon like a shadow in the light.. I did
@@macdavy70 tell us more what did you do to turn it around ?
@@beIETian Turn to Christ
I will continue to pray for my husband.
Unconditional love does not exist. It's delusional on the face of it.
@@seapeajones it is the most fundamental thing in reality, we exist because of it
People have shown me in so many ways that myself is not good enough, so I totally understand the suspicion of anyone who wants to be with me. Seems like something is not right, I just remember all the bullying and remember the freedom to be alone.
Very insightful video❤❤❤❤
This is so good, Chris.
So sad 😢😢😢. I learnt about avoidants after a series of ghosting and I tell you I will never get angry at them again or take it personally, now, I look back these people showed signs of trauma. It's so sad 😢.
Some of them came back to me months later, it was strange because at that time I didn't understand avoidants, I would have been more open with my arms if I did, I would have told them everything is gonna be okay.
Great video!
Yeah but when I pulled away, my ex got super anxious and started accusing me of sabotaging the relationship with radio silence. Even though I pulled away cause she was being weird, cold, and distant. You’d think an avoidant would like this. But nope, it’s only on their terms.
Yes it is only one way.
Yep - selfish people - it’s only on their terms only as to when they want to have distance etc. Emotional vampires
@@petitcoeur-q6r control freaks as well
The difficulty with healing, is seeing how you were so blind and used and question your compass for love and a quality partner. Our culture of dating severely damaged with dating apps, social media ( that the pun “social” you become not social), texting as communication or likes and hearts, gifs etc! So many have poor social skills, poor communication and skip the risk of vulnerability as anyone can fall back on a dating app or social media. I say fuck that we need a quick overhaul, so we have less lonely or single. We all need unconditional love from a human not just the fur baby
I'm sorry if I missed it, but what is it they actually hope for when they go no contact??? I don't think the question was answered directly. Is it to take the mask off or to put it back on? To finally be able to breathe by being alone or to be connected and show their authentic self? Do avoidants want you back or do they want to move on? Do they even know?
I think the one I was with had regrets and just when I thought he was back to his "normal" self, the guy I fell in love with, he was worse off then before. As bad I feel for him, I can't go back to someone who disregarded my feelings and I took too much regard for his.
I’m so afraid and I just want to do things right. I care for her so much. I realize that I have gone through something similar and I won’t let any of that crap those feelings define me. Because of that, it’s all gone away. I hope she can do the same thing in time. She’s willing to work on her issues and that makes me feel better, but how much longer can I wait?
Brilliant, cogent and likely accurate conjecture! Thank you!
Coach we really need an explanation video about Dismissive Avoidants so that we can show it to our Avoidant to help them understand what they're dealing with. My biggest problem is my avoidant wife of 23 years doesnt think anything is wrong with her
Chris, how come you only tell the stories of an avoidant from the female lens? You never speak from the male perspective of dating an avoidant woman. Please do something for the gents, they're struggling with avoidant women too
So what do they hope for? For you to never come back. Do they keep daydreaming about you often, or do they completely forget about you?
Yes!! I want to know too!!!
How odd , im anxious attatchment and im finding all of thier issues are also MINE ! i am an act BUT i am not an actor! Grow together ❤
You offer some great content
Under the Magicians outfit the avoidant I have been with was suffering from depression
After 3 years with an avoidant (or a narcissist )
I weirdly very well understood the concept of the magician suit
I'm right at the crossroads in my relationship. İm a therapist and in therapy myself from coming out of a narcissist relationship. Then, lo and behold i have attracted an avoidant, wheter fearful or dismissive i don't know. My 'person' is intellectual and a fascinating man. But he has had a painful early life, abandoned by both parents very young. He has taken off his 'cloak' where he becomes highly emotional. He is an insomniac, ADHD, maybe BPD too. He will suddenly find it sll too much and default to his work. He then lets me down. İts all about his career where he is highly successful and influential. I'm exhausted and too late realized what im dealing with after thinking I'd found such a compatible person i connect with. We have so many lovely things ee share but he'll suddenly disappear. İ am at the point where i have to decide what to do. We have talked a lot about his trauma and that i trigger him. But he doesn't want to consider therapy. He will revert to robotic speak at times where he's like a completely different person. Very upsetting and confusing. 😢😢
I'm an avoidant.
If I avoid someone, I'm just not that into them.
Yeah when they get over me I (used to, I healed certain things) get upset and want them back, but only out of ego, not love.
If they had caved in I would have run again, without exception.
People, spare yourself the pain, move the fuck on. That person just does not love you.
I've met real love since and would never dream of avoiding it. Because it's fucking RIGHT.
Thanks this video is ✨️♥️
As an avoidant myself this is so incitful... Uncanny mind reading type incites all through this video 😮
Unpopular opinion: as an anxiously attached person it would do you well to try to understand an avoidant attachment person. Then you see the full picture of the anxious /avoidant dance. That the two, no matter what it looks like on the surface, are very hurt individuals. But the good news is both can heal. You just can’t do the healing for them. They must want to heal for themselves first & foremost. Seeing the bigger picture gives you a better chance of developing a secure attachment style.
Start seeing people as souls, it helps. 😉
I just want to know he’s okay. I’ve accepted it’s over and I genuinely just want to make sure he’s doing ok. I don’t know how to get him to talk to me and not just feel empty without him in my life. I loved him so much and was willing to compromise. He was just done didn’t want to talk barely responded to my messages. It’s been 9 months. He ended up blocking me. I am still broken and very very confused but I’m starting to reach the acceptance phase of grief. However, to move on I still need closure and I’m considering trying one more time and then that’s it. I don’t know what to say to gently coax him he’s like a rubix cube.
Anyone get any ideas on what to say? Please don’t tell me I already got closure. I didn’t. I would not even bother asking this if I had closure.
I have adhd and I want to know he’s okay.
He will be ok, but I can understand you so well!!
Don't worry girl when I asked my avoidant if this is the finish line he insert there is never a finished line...
So I guess it's kind of their way of saying there is never closer.... And they leave you with that. I have been in the same situation or I am in the same situation.
@@Any66134 so its a way of keeping the door open ? it seems pretty final to me to be blocked etc. i just am shocked theres still nothing
I guess, the only way to reach out is a slighty light one, ghost emoji or so. He seems to be in a total different mood at the moment.
There is another stage called replacement. I am an avoidant who monkey bars through relationships. I start new ones before I've ended the first. I know it's bad, but I've been doing it my whole life. Sometimes, i feel bad about doing that, but most of the time, i don't feel bad.
so what do you feel? you don’t feel guilt about lying to the person?
Doesn’t an avoidant erase snd avoid Stage 7 and 8 by immediately starting a relationship with someone new?
I don't know how to get over someone who has this...I'm so heart broken :(
Avoidants should be a title. AVOID THEM
I am an avoidant and i'm terrified of the life ahead of me
I can’t figure out the difference between any variation of an avoidant or a narcissist.
Beautifully put
Wow Great video now i understand
These videos are great if Avoidants are asking for help. In my situation I just ended it since I started recognizing the signs that I've seen before, and I just can't with that shit any longer.
I'm married to an avoidant,. any attempt to improve intimacy of any kind is met from her with irritation, frustration and sometimes even outright fits of rage which result in her telling me how my wanting closeness and connection is a serious problem that I have to either get over or get out. She shows no desire to give a microscopic fraction of affection to keep me. A 15 year long relationship that feels like living with a room mate,.. lonely depressing and unfulfilling,. getting worse with time and I am no longer trying to get closer to her,. just looking forward to dying and no longer having to endure it all.
My dear one. Leave
Dying?? Because of a human being that doesn't love you?? You sure don't love love yourself too. Instead of leaving you prefer to die because you don't want to do the work. Why are you with some one that treats you this way for long? Your freedom is in the answer
Please leave to save your soul. It’s not selfish. And you’ve paid your time.
@@joyapeon8181 Maybe they are very depressed
When we were together I would tell him, I see the real you and that’s who I love. He would get so offended and almost mad at me. I never understood why, until after our break up and discovered he was FA. It’s just heartbreaking to learn how they feel inside. 💔
I’ve heard u mention FREE TO ATTACH in ur videos … is that a book and where can I find it ?
It’s actually a website: free to attach .com
@@chrisseitercoachingthank u ❤
I really wanted to comment on the recent video on avoidants, but the comments were off...
Im an avoidant. And i started to work on facing my feelings. My shadows. It's painful. But i started it. Esp when my anxiety attacks started because of the pressure build up.
I always thought about myself being an anxiously attached person. But ive been an avoidant all my life.
I lost someone i cared about deeply. And i truly am changing.
But i need some help to face myself. Cuz i have so many questions.