I’m anxious attached. I replaced questions like “are you upset with me” and “did I do something wrong” with “I noticed a shift in your mood (responsiveness, attentiveness, communication, etc). We don’t have to talk right now about this shift, but I’m open to talking about it when you’re ready.” As the anxious attached person, naming that I noticed something helps to calm my anxiety enough to actually do the slowing way down and giving space as stated in the video. It also takes the pressure off the avoidant partner to have an answer right away.
Okay this is very helpful. I was a bit perplexed that she might mean I had to say *nothing* in that kind of situation and just wait until the other person gets aware of the mood swing as well, what would have been incredible hard for me. But I was willing to try it because I'm acknowledging that this journey *will* be hard and I have to pull myself together. Very relieved that this is a possible way to communicate it. Also: When the other person knows that I'm anxious attached and am working on it, I can (hopefully) trust her to understand what the noticing of a mood shift means to me. So if she choses to, she could support me, but according to her time and ressources. But it would be her choice and I would not put a burden on her. Please correct me, if I'm understanding it wrong. I'm just learning about it and have no experience yet in this regard.
1. when something seems off in the relationship, affirm that and slow down 2. lean back and self-regulate outside of the relationship 3. normalize space as a regular part of a healthy relationship; accepting the possibility of loss is absolutely essential 4. locate your feelings in your body and identify your needs 5. reconnect to communicate your needs ("I" language) and negotiate agreements Do I have that right? Folks, this video is worth a careful listen! Really helpful/life-changing stuff here, for me at least.
In my experinece anxious partners are not clingy once they feel secure and validated. The best way to keep your attachment system at ease for an anxious partner is to date someone who is secure and giving you what you need in a relationship
I think the point is to be that person for yourself. Yes it's ideal to have a securely attatched partner, but relying on your partner to be your sense of security is unhealthy
Yes but also eesh. It's very important for a person to learn how to feel secure and validated by them themselves. I personally am learning how to do this because it is actually far too much work to rely on someone else to be the things I should be for myself.
This has not been my experience at all, speaking as a secure (according to the tests). Anxious partners do not feel secure because of anything I do. I can certainly make it worse, and I can certainly help temporarily make it better, but it does not go away, it's always there, because it's not actually about me, it's about them. I am coming up on 8 years of marriage to an anxious style and to this day she still has a hard time controlling her clinginess and she is VERY self aware of what's happening and trying very hard to regulate herself. The best thing for every attachment style is to date a secure, that's obvious, but they keep going for avoidant because that's what they really want. Actions speak louder than words. Before me, my wife was going on year 3 of anxiously chasing an ex that was insanely avoidant and emotionally abusive. It takes years of self work to undo the kind of programming that makes somebody do something like that.
Wow! I never thought about it like that. "You can't have feelings in someone else's body" yeah, it does sound ridiculous now, to say "I feel like you are mad at me". Well said.
Being a psychology junkie I have to admit Heidi has a unique talent of explaining complex concepts in ways that are so easy to digest that even children would get it 🙌❤️
Literally just talked me off a ledge of reaching out and texting. Working on self-soothing and leaning back in the relationship by doing my beauty routines, taking bubble baths, gardening, binge watching my fav shows, painting my nails, baking cookies, focusing on my career, & working out. Thank you! I am anxiously attached and the guy I am dating is avoidant (surprise surprise). He is wonderful, but he takes a few days to respond after intimate moments and milestones. Love your channel, Heidi! 💕
I'm also anxiously attached and my guy shows Avoidant traits. Comments like this gives me hope for our relationship. We're both trying and I just hope I can calm my anxieties when he needs his space and time.
I’m going through this right now! The person I’m with has pulled away and my nerves got the better of me and so did my anxious attachment style! This video was spot on! Instead of worrying about them I’m going to use the time and space to focus on me and my wants and needs! There is no reason to stop showing up for me just cause someone else isn’t! Who knows what will happen all I know is I’m thankful I saw this video ❤ and will let the space happen naturally
Was there a reason why they pulled away ? I confronted mine in a text. He saw it and hasn't replied. Going on 5 days . It's so difficult. Depression and anxiety from all this
This is definitely me, although I'm learning to be more comfortable with having space and not communicating 24/7. Unfortunately for you to learn this you have to be in a relationship, because no other relationships like friendships will trigger this in me. It's really the romantic ones that get to me.
Yes. As an AA, especially in the early stage of a romantic relationship, I want a lot of communication, and kind of expect things to progress on a ”linear scale”, always up, more communication. This video is very helpful, like the tide the closeness comes and goes, and that has to be ok and I have to be able to self regulate when the tide is out. Focusing on me, my hobbies, meditation helps. Also, I’ve noticed how I tell myself negative stories about the relationship in my head, and eventually it ”feels” like a truth. I think these negative thoughts are subconscious and we don’t fully notice them. Like a super pessimistic person whispering in your ear that they are pulling away, they will leave. Being able to recognize that and tell yourself another story is really helpful, however hard 😂. Good luck all of you ❤️
I have it completly same. Its a fresh long distance relationship and I woldl be open to communicate with her 24/7, but that is simply not healthy nor possible. I need to give her space and when I see her again talk about this.
Oh my gosh, yes!! I have no issues in my friendships. It's my romantic relationships where I start to panic and question and worry. It literally sucks, and I'm trying to help myself be less anxious, but also be honest with my partner about my struggles. Because honestly when I'm super anxious, all I really want is some cuddles lol I just want to feel safe again and in their arms.
I swear this is one of the best explanations I've seen on RUclips lol. It's not simply pull back and wait for them to be back, but pull back so that you too can evaluate and learn something about yourself, so that you have worked on something in that time apart meaning there's been growth as an upside to having the feeling of distance. Thank you for this illustration!! 😅
It’s truly so helpful to know that periods of space are normal and needed for a healthy relationship. I’ve spent so much mental energy spinning my wheels trying to figure out if him needing a day or 2 without texting is “weird” or a red flag or disrespectful in some way. My parents are super enmeshed and codependent so I’ve never witnessed healthy space and people not being 110% locked in and keeping tabs on each other all the time. I see now that there are more healthy ways to function! Thank you
I grew up in the same type of home and having issues at 68 of knowing what's normal and what's healthy and what's disrespectful. Thank you for writing this.
Three plus years of expensive therapy I couldn’t afford and this is the first time these concepts are making sense to me. So pulling apart is normal and it’s not a bad thing!!! GAH. Thank you!!
Yeah, I get that, but in my experience therapy with a professional still can play an important role in healing. But it's important to find the right therapist for you and do "homework", work on healing, learning, reading, watching talks in your own time as well and not just go to therapy. :)) I've been to several therapists that didn't work out in the past, so now when I realized I was going nowhere by trying to just give myself "therapy" on my own and I did need a professional to help me on my journey, I made sure to this time choose a therapist myself that I felt I could click with based on their profile. And first one I chose actually worked out pretty well for me, but I decided to follow my feeling and after a few sessions chose another therapist I had had a gut feeling about. And she has been able to really help me. :) I also work proactively on my healing in my own time: I journal, read or listen to books or listen to seminars or talks on RUclips (such as this one, Tim Fletcher's talks on trauma have also really helped me on my healing journey, and Jimmy on Relationships videos). :) May sun shine on your path towards healing. ❤
I’m consistently baffled at how Heidi, a complete stranger, makes videos that speak directly to and essentially describe me and my life. You’ve been immensely helpful to me. Thank you, Heidi.
@srhuband it truly is baffling how there's absolutely nothing special about any one particular individual, that they can all just be put in boxes like "anxious attachment" and "avoidant attachment"...
@@Vic_Chaos_ But she's not saying that, or putting people into little boxes. Like.. I'm watching the hell out of her videos right now while processing a breakup, because it's helping. I mention this because I can tell you that she made a video a few days ago on the importance of *not* boxing people; it's a quick fix coping strategy for when we don't know what's going on, but hurts our relationships. Your assertion isn't truthful, you get me?
I think the biggest realization for me was, that it wasn't me who was anxious. I was just with a wrong partner to begin with. I remember watching these videos on loop trying to calm down my anxiety and deal with all the panic attacks that were caused. Thinking there was something I could do. I was just with a partner who failed to take accountability for their actions and completely lacked empathy as a human being. when you date someone like that you are bound to feel shitty because they not only lack basic communication skills but they choose to not treat you as a human being. It's not their fault, maybe they just never learnt this concept to begin with. And that's okay. But it is not your job to stay in that relationship and deal with the human being. You can choose yourself and respectfully walk away. I remember dealing with his commitment phobia even if he was 5 years older than I was. And the worst part was he didn't know what he wanted. He kept me on the loop, never communicated clearly what he really wanted and would detatch and attach according to his convenience. If anxiety wasn't a natural reaction to his behavior, I don't know what is. My current partner, makes me feel seen and is able to understand my emotions. Most importantly treats me like a valid human being. So naturally the anxiety faded, coz well I found someone who reassured me. But also I came to the conclusion that it is not other person's responsibility to deal with your emotional outbreak and emotional dependency on anyone is not good.
I took hours to take notes of everything she said in this video because I don’t want to just casually listen but really internalize and integrate the tips she gave in this video. I must say I’ve never found anyone like her on RUclips about this topic who gives out genuinely meaningful and practical advice that could actually change someone’s life and save a relationship. I can’t thank Heidi enough for the amazing contents she’s put out here. It’s been truly immensely helpful on my healing journey so far.
- make a playlist - connect to yourself (body, my life, my aspirations etc) - talk about both points of view (so helpful!) - respect other people's point of view, boundaries, needs - do the things from your perspective; if something after you yourself have gave your best shot, is not fulfilling needs (for example, she doesn't want to talk about it) THAT IS USEFUL INFORMATION FOR KEEPING MY INNER CHILD SAFE! - i think the most useful things is, don't try to change anyone and be the one for yourself who meets your needs and takes care of you even when there is break in communication; they are okay and part of relationship, it is like we go on separate adventures then come together to share our lores; however if after communicating using I language, and partner doesn't realize, you have to think about your inner children. - realize your differences
Out of hundreds of videos on how to cope with my anxiety in my relationship, this video truly was a godsend. I keep rewatching it. Learning my independence, letting my partner have her independence, and having that beautiful connection when we come together. Loved this video and it helped me so much! Cannot thank you enough
Im in a new relationship now and my parner is very independent. Im just now understanding that i am anxious attached. I have felt this sense of panic and need to pull them back, but i never knew what it was or how to identify it. Now that im learning more about what it is and why it happens, im realizing how ive smothered and over communicated in the last few relationships, and that it was a big part of why they didnt work. This video is so helpful for me. It introduced me so well to the concept, cause, and methods to self regulate. All i know is, i dont want to. Lol i wish my partner would judt give me all of his time and intimacy and attention haha. But that isnt healthy to expect that from someone who is very independent. Or anyone for that matter. Now i have to work on me. Thanks 😊
Honestly it was a big relief to hear someone like me admit that they don't *want to* solve all their own emotional dysregulation. I mean, it sounds obvious put like that, but I keep feeling 'Okay, I can do *some* of this, but am I *really* not supposed to look for someone who is okay so that I can be helped with my not okay?' Because I do experience this 'disgust' response when met with someone trying to parentify me jn even a miniscule way, but I parentify my partners all the time in expecting them to emotionally regulate me when I feel like something is wrong.
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Thank you. It amuses me that I need strong psychological advice and and training to navigate a loving relationship - such is the legacy of childhood trauma. I thought the pulling away was a lack of constancy, now I see it is part of the constancy; like the tide, it comes in, it goes out. I was triggered by feeling the relationship was going wrong when it was only doing what it needed naturally. The pulling apart threw me into a path of negativity, and my avoidant partner makes mistakes in his behaviour when he is coming upon feeling fear of intimacy, so I convinced myself the relationship was bad, which it isn't, it's just that there are mistakes in it.
Thank you so much for this. I've been familiar with attachment theory for years, I've read Attached multiple times, and I've explored my anxious attachment extensively in therapy... But somehow no-one has ever put it in terms like this. Most of the material on anxious attachment out there focuses on the message of "Stop worrying. It's all in your head". Hearing you acknowledge that my anxieties are grounded in reality, but not necessarily something to feel anxiety over was SO validating and freeing. After watching this a couple weeks ago, I felt a huge sigh of relief and new sense of control. I was able to focus on other aspects of my life beyond my connection with my new partner, and when I welcomed space between us, he came closer again. Funny thing is, I'm still happy to offer continued space as I'm actually enjoying the benefits myself. Thank you!
I really love how you use unconditional life acceptance here. a lot of people are led to believe that convincing yourself everything is definitely okay is the solution. the real solution is to be comfortable with uncertainty and accept the possibility that something unpleasant might happen- the thing you need to convince yourself of is that you can still live and be happy in the absence of that person, even if you were single for the rest of your life, or never found somebody like them again. unconditional acceptance is the solution to all things that make you miserable.
Summary/ Overview: Steps 1-5: 6:05 1 When you feel something is off in the relationship, accept that your gut feeling might be real, on/ for your side, don't try to figure out or solve the situation. Learn to not panic at the thought that that maybe there is something wrong. Soothe your inner child, be your own parent, take care of your inner child with reassurance that 'ill take care of you whatever happens next', 'this to shall pass'. 9:55 2 Your anxious pattern is kinda trying to regulate your partner/ the other person, in order for you to have their support again (your safety feeling, to have the option~). Notice if your hyper tuned into your partner, like stressed/ super attentive/ focus, ground yourself/ get into your your own skin/ body again, relax, your safe, name/ put words on what's happening/ the feeling. Ground yourself in your own body again, 'disconnect from the situation', 'leave the connectedness with that relation and reconnect with yourself again'. Get back to your adult self. Re-resource yourself. 16:05 3 ~50% together intimate, ~50% or more separate, normalize this, the 'on and off (healthy)', the back and forth, the momentary changes, 'the elegant polite dance, moving into exotic twerking, getting tired and having a drink, then going home alone and wait a week to dance elegantly again'. Being together majority/ 100% of the time, is not realistic, its fantasy. 18:20 4 Accept what's happening, eventual co-regulation with someone outside if this particular relation. Let feelings and needs surface in your conscious, during this time, so you can put it into words. Once you've a grasp with words of the situation, you can communicate with your parter in a non-enmeshed way. Eventually share boundaries/ requests* and agreements/ requests* suggestions. If they're not down for this.. Well now you know, be prepared to wrap up and champion your inner child. Give partner the space they need, then share your feelings in an unenmeshed way, if partner is uninterested, don't self-abandon, accept, respect yourself, move on. 20:35 5 Which agreements could bring back harmony and balance? Agreements that respects both's needs and boundaries, in a healthy way, you guys might want to check with each other what those are. Negotiate? Air thoughts and feelings. Figure out from a place of accepting, loss is a possibility. -Equanimity [ ee-kwuh-nim-i-tee, ek-wuh- ] - mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium. Anxious - separation is the difficult part 23:04 Avoidant - togetherness intimacy is the difficult part 23:00 Secure - from time to time be apart, regulate yourself, recognize where you two are different, come back together when both can show up as their adult selves. 23:10 PS: 10:17 '..so you can siphon regulation out of them..' - Haha.
“Siphon regulation off of them” caught me hard too! 😂 Ninja star of truth. Your summary is excellent and I really appreciate the time you took to write it up and share it. Took screenshots of the whole thing. I’m preparing to do some deep work with all the steps. Good luck and best wishes to you.
"Always being super close and intimate and connected and never feeling alone for a moment is not a realistic portrayal of secure adult relationships; its a fantasy." Wow. I was in a 5 year relationship exactly like this fantasy. We would pull away, but for like an hour/day tops. And I always knew it was unhealthy enmeshment. But I'm just now realizing exactly how unhealthy it was. This year has been a major struggle. Thanks for the videos!!
Whew, I needed this....because I'm anxious about everything right now. I need to relax and breathe 😩 tell myself, "Get it together girl"! #self regulation
Heidi you need to know that you are saving lives with these videos. A few days ago I had no idea attachment theory was a concept and now with your help I feel so incredibly empowered and excited to help heal my attachment style. Being heavily anxiously attached and never have even spoken or cared for my inner child I have a long road ahead and cannot thank you enough for the help and encouragement you have provided with your knowledge and skill. I have been making my rounds through the attachment community and your videos are truly the best at explaining not only the concept, but the concepts around the concepts, and also examples to help explain the concepts. I am never left confused or wanting with your explanations and have subscribed and am ready to support you in any way I can. Thank you so much my friend and keep up the good (and heathy) work.
I started crying when she said to remind yoyr inner child its okay that confirmed i have alot of healing to do but it is an empowering feeling to bring it to the surface where you can see and actually closer to do something about it. I hope all is well
The statement that hit home for me is: IF they want to talk about it. And if they don’t I tend to want to force them to talk it through & sort out whatever the issue is. I’m in an unrequited love situation with my roommate, complicated by the fact that we did sleep together a few times & then he lost interest but we’re still sharing a space & have been trying to be just friends but I clearly want more, so I accept whatever crumbs of affection I receive. I’m constantly trying to get more affection, of ANY kind, but have just realised that in the few months we’ve known each other he’s only done me one small unsolicited kindness whilst I do him kindnesses almost every day. I feel ridiculous knowing that I’m trying to be so awesome that he’ll realise how great I am but also knowing I’m wasting my time & energy on him when I’d be better off spending them on my career.
i have very recently learned that in almost every area of my life, i tend to air more fearful/avoidant. however, the second i feel safe with someone and start to connect with them more intimately (especially romantic partners), i am extremely anxious. this video is literally saving my quality of life as i type
“That separation is healthy” ❤🎉 and I love how describe feelings in the body . It gives me such a relief every time it helps me not charge when my body is an extreme reaction to an emotion. I actually slow down and pay attention , listen to that feeling & work with it. Thank you Heidi you’ve changed my life for the better.
I'm a FA who now tends to be on the more anxious side in relationships. I'm doing a lot of work for my FA style but this was super helpful! This pattern of sensing something is wrong and panicking (either wanting to get reassurance from my partner or overthinking all of my "supposed faults" and debating if the relationship is even a good idea) is driving me crazy sometimes
I feel you! I’m an FA too it's very hard since we are alone most of the time and away from our partner. But I keep telling to myself I need to be comfortable being uncomfortable! Hope we can heal
This is good, this is where I’m at in life. Also, I had a platonic friend constantly seek validation from me when I got busy or didn’t respond right away. It was exhausting interacting with her and now I know that’s how I’ve acted in romantic relationships. I can easily see how relationships don’t last like that.
"Separation is healthy" this is my mantra now. I just wanted to say thank you for all of the knowledge I've received from these videos, they have helped me immensely in understanding not only myself, but the person that I love. I see so many people on these videos say that they cannot deal with avoidants anymore, and must look to themselves first. I believe this now, and it has helped me set boundaries, and be more firm in my commitment to time & space for both of us. I know that my anxious style is just as much an issue as her avoidance, and it is something we work on together, with patience and understanding. I have become so good at reading her non verbal cues, and time and again, this works to our benefit which gives her the space to express herself, her love for me. She is very non verbal in her affirmation and love, she cares through touch. For example, the other morning at work, she was not ready for interaction. I got the push away palm, but I already knew from her face she wasnt ready for me yet. An hour later, she sought me out to "apologize" in her own way, just through small talk, a positive interaction, she reset her morning and tried again. Big for her. We have only been together in a casual way for a few months now, and I continually improve on recognizing my triggers and how to deal with things like separation and silence much better than in the beginning, and she works on finding a middle ground inside of herself. At first, I was so confused as to why we would have so much fun together, gain closeness, only to have her orbit away for several days only to return. These periods are almost non existent now, we talk every day, see each other 6 days a week at work & after work at least once a week. I know I have sacrificed a lot to get to this point, and its a tug of war to gain back what my open heart gave away, but i work at it every day. For someone to go from a 25 year marriage to a relationship with a DA 19 years younger than me is a big mountain to climb, I haven't done this in YEARS. I went from secure to anxious overnight, i wasn't ready. A steep learning curve, but to me, her love is worth it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I and my love have an 11-year gap. There have been times as well that one moment we are so connected and inseparable and the next day he wouldn't respond to my text. His inconsistency usually takes a toll on me and makes me think of negative things towards him when I have always been there for him doing the extra mile. Maybe, it is also the problem. I don't know. Or maybe he just has his episodes. I understand there are lots of things going on in his life right now that he opened up to me before. But I always believed in communication because it terrifies me to be left in the dark with overwhelming confusion. I am doing my best to understand him better and myself. I have kept telling myself it is all a natural part of any relationship. And that I have to accept it and respect his space.
@Boiii_R_E the differences are stark, and if we aren't ready and equipped to deal with it, it leads to a lot of confusion, loneliness, and just bad thoughts. It's been a roller coaster for sure. A man, a really stupid man, but a good heart, falls in love with a woman much younger and from another country. They could not be more different. I tell her we are puzzle pieces, different, but we fit perfectly.
Ability to actually communicate these things in a respectful and mature way is the most important thing, whether needing space or feeling disconnected. If the partner just pulls away and doesn’t communicate why or what they want, it can even trigger the most secure people on earth.
This has been really a good listen. I'm an anxious avoidant and I've often been in this really conflicted state where i actually myself have needed the space too but the anxious side starts panicking about losing the connection so i go on uncomfortable overdrive of trying keep communication open. And the energy of that situation is so confusing. I'm going to start nurturing the spaces with the knowing that it is actually very healthy.
WOOOOAH I've felt this same thing!! I think I'm going to start embracing that feeling more. Having feelings of wanting space but not wanting to lose the connection.
I experienced this need for enmeshment with an anxious person. It almost felt like they did it so I didn’t have time to stop and think and thereby decide if they were right for me. When I did set a boundary for more space they stonewalled and pretended to agree (sense a hidden veil of anger underneath) and just having the space made me realise they were not right for me.
But the issue is that sometimes your feeling that something is off and that the person is pulling away because they genuinely do not wish to continue the relationship can be bang on. It’s not always an attachment issue or something in your head, you can be genuinely sensing true and real signals they are actually sending you.
From my own journey, I’ve realized one good way is to ask kindly, non-judgmentally and in good faith. Keeping the door open for the other person to be honest with you and being patient about it is critical for open healthy communication.
I thought that was kind of the whole point of the first half of this video? She validates that truth, and then explains in detail how to deal with that.
I actually stopped the video at the 15 minute mark to put on a playlist of songs that I love that have no association with my past relationship or my ex. It was tremendously helpful!! I felt like myself again 💖
heidi, i'm so grateful for your videos right now! ❤ i just came out of a breakup, i'm anxious and my partner is avoidant and we were constantly triggering each other within the relationship. the problem is that we still love each other very much but we were both not doing well within the relationship anymore. he doesn't have as much willingness as i do to work on the relationship and i'm having a hard time letting him go. i think i see so much potential in him that i probably would have continued to stay in the relationship. i wish he would be willing to go down this road with me. on one hand i wish he would get in touch and want me back, on the other hand i have to take care of myself and set boundaries. it's so incredibly hard :( thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us!
No don't ever go back with ex. Especially if your an anxious attachment style and the other person is an avoidant. Your going to be doing all the work the other person will not put in any effort. It's not worth it trying to make that work it won't because yall are to incompatible just date your self. Then once your ready find someone with an secure attachment to meet your needs. It will drive you crazy dating an avoidant person just leave.
Thank you Heidi. You are brilliant and you are saving lives. I was panicking so hard today and felt like about to explode. I knew enough not to throw all my baggage or emotional confusion on her and your video came at the nick of time. I listened twice and read the comments and tried my best to follow your advice. And low and behold. An hour and 45 mins later she responds neutrally and a half hour after that she says she cares about me. That's all I ever wanted but I have to let her give it out of her own free will. And if she doesn't then it's ok right? I'll be ok bc being in a healthy relationship is about accepting reality and having a proper dialog instead of clinging to fantasy and asking your partner to live up to that fantasy right? ❤❤❤
Update: I made quite a few good friends. I never had a support system before or opened up and made so many friends in my entire life. I've connected on a deeper level with my immediate family and my extended family letting them know what's going on and asking advice on career moves. I've read about attachment theory and taken notes on what works to heal an insecure attachment and how to pay attention to emotional cues. I'm planning and applying to earn more and expect ore in my career. I've spent more time doing the things that I enjoy and had neglected when my sole focus was her and finding security in her. She apparently noticed and flirted w me the other day and called me at night. I realize she might be bipolar and so we'll remain friends but until she can own up to her mistakes I'm not gonna chase her. I'm going to learn to set boundaries and build a relationship with someone who is willing to communicate when there are problems and is willing to give in equal amount to what I give. I deserve more and I won't settle for someone who doesn't mean what they say and doesn't say what they mean. Life is so much better these days and honestly this learning experience was long overdue.
I had to stop this video to make a comment. I've been through therapy at certain times in my life and I've always felt that I wasn't getting any progress done with whom ever I was seeing. I kinda came to the conclusion that the therapist is just there to listen and I was the one making the next progression. Like I had to feel it on my own to move forward. By watching these videos I have realized the reason why I dont get much from therapy.....I have also realized that I've never had a good therapist. I've always needed logic behind things to truly understand and make a connection between ideas. I've always just been circling aimlessly without resolution. How am I expected to have an answer to a problem if I haven't a clue as to where to look or even start? These videos on anxious avoidant attachment have been extremely helpful........and this is only the second one I have watched! Thank you so much for providing a clear and detailed window into a topic that has been such a blurred concept in my mind. Already I see this helping on many levels and definitely see this going in many directions of thought patterns. Again thank you so much for this opportunity ❤ 🙏 Back to the video😊
Holy crap. This education on attachment is worth its weight in gold! As an anxiously attached person with CPTSD, I was significantly triggered a week ago and fled the scene (lol) without being able to express myself. The fear had me in a chokehold. I later texted my experience and am in a moment of separation which I interpret as rejection and disinterest. I would’ve never been able to appreciate their needs since I am so deeply in my own anxious fog, scrambling to self-preserve to the point of destruction/sabotage. I just turned 40. I’m so glad I can do this work now. 🙏🏽💛
I had an anxious - avoidant relationship. We had a balance, but at one point we didn't manage to come back from the separation part. And my partner didn't want to work on it. Even when I did leave her space. After a year I finally couldn't take it and offered that we should maybe go to couples counselling. She felt we didn't need it. I offered it, because I felt that I was being left alone in that relationship and when I tried to understand my partner, they pulled even more away. Over time it started feeling unfair and one sided. They got to feel safe while being the avoidant one and every time I even wanted to share something from my day, they lashed out that I should find friends for that. In the end it felt more like two roommates living together and not partners. The emotional intimacy had left the building. I'm not sure why I wrote about it, I guess it still hurts.
I’m going through this right now man, years ago, 3 years ago when i was 18 years old a dumb kid i left her. Eventually i came back to her. We had a child, but even today, that mistake is used as the reason she doesn’t want to give me physical intimacy. She tells me she loves me but “doesn’t like me”. I am always the one to initiate everything. Almost all intimacy across the board, yet when we talk about it she will only hone in on the physical sexual aspects of what i want and say I’m not emotional when she is the one who is not emotional whatsoever. I love her but i am quite tired of the relationship. Tired of being neglected and treated like I’m not the handsome athletic strong man i am. I’m tired of feeling like that sad kid. i have Borderline personality disorder or unstable personality disorder. Emotional pain is magnified for me. I almost shut down. Unable to think or really do much. First it’s just debilitating anxiety then i disassociate and it’s just empty. I just want someone who makes me feel secure, who makes me feel loved , somebody i can lean on. But i am afraid that i will always be hurt like this. I am scared to let another in as every relationship just seems to be a ticking time bomb till I’m abandoned.
yeah idk why most advice when dealing with avoidant partners is “cater to their every need and sacrifice yours” as if this isn’t a two way street that needs balance and connection and understanding to work. i’m so sorry that had to happen to you with your relationship
I relate to this. I’ve had several relationships with partners who felt safest shutting down, and weren’t interested in having the conversations needed to share what came up for each of us. I understand it feels like exhausting work to them and that they feel like we shouldn’t have to have those talks and it means something is wrong… when on my end, those moments of closeness and openness and honesty, feel reassuring and amazing. I guess it’s no one’s fault, and I need to stop wishing these huge internal icebergs didn’t exist - I have to accept they exist, they just do. All of us struggle. May each one suffering be soothed, may the lonely find contentment, may the lost be led to a place of rest and understanding. 💛
Thank you so much. I am a viewer from Taiwan, and I struggle with severe anxiety attachment. Recently, I’ve been trying to improve and am currently interacting with a new person. I have been undergoing counseling, and after watching your video, I felt very inspired. It seems to have answered some questions that have been lingering in my mind. Thank you once again.
Girl, you are brilliant! Where did you learn all this stuff? I’ve lived on this earth over 50 years, and have never understood my anxious attachment responses - and am just now starting to do that. Those responses have given me so much trouble. I think every high school kid should listen to these videos you’ve made as part of a class about how to have successful relationships in life. After all, what is a more important skill than the ability to draw boundaries and have successful friendships and partnerships?
Thank you Heidi-that was incrtedibly well explained!! The image/metaphor I get from this is that a stable relationship is like breathing-you can only inhale or exhale-both are necessary! It's seems so simple, yet so profound! I wish they taught this in high school!! Decades later, I find myself learning and reflecting on these teachings-better late than never!! Thanks again and keep up your brillian work-so appreciated!
I recently came across some genuinely thoughtful advice online that really resonated with me. It’s so easy to get caught up in the hype from influencers who often focus on self-worth and attracting relationships through concepts like “black cat/feminine energy.” While these ideas can be appealing, they sometimes overlook a crucial truth about relationships: true security comes from embracing both the good and the challenging times. There's a beautiful quote that reminds us, “to accept spring, you have to accept the risk of winter. To accept presence, you have to accept the risk of absence.” This wisdom highlights the importance of being open to discomfort as part of a deeper connection. It’s comforting to realize that these feelings are part of the journey in building lasting relationships. 💯
It hurts a lot, you know. My mom, and my father to a lesser shown extent, have both been depressed my whole life. They both are very loving, but they pulled away often when I needed them most, though they did help me through other tough times of course. My brother and my sister too have been more reluctant to show me the constant love I show them (maybe I'm the anxious end of an avoidant family?). All the women I've loved have been dour and-or withdrawn, but bud into a beautiful happy bloom that I strive to keep open, only to fail. It makes me crazy. Separation drives me mad. It's hard to pull away, though I've been working on that. I don't like the thought of not having anyone to hold and hold me back. Oh and the limerence. I'm already a writer with an active imagination, working a shitty lowend job, and limerence keeps me sound of mind, though it hurts my expectations and I get easily harmed when my expectations don't work out. I think that's my main problem is fantasization, no matter how kinda blasé and normal the fantasy may be. Anyway, these vids help me think more and better about my problems. Thank you!
I can't believe just how scarily accurate Heidi's description of my anxious attachment is in all these videos 😭 But it's reassuring to hear that I'm not alone and there is a path to becoming healthier!
THIS VIDEO WAS AMAZINGGGG! Thank you girl for helping me gain insight into what healthy relationships are. I was never shown what a healthy relationship was like as a child, all of the relationships had unhealthy attachments, so thank you for showing me what is healthy and what I do deserve. Much love!!
I am 62 years old and I sure wish I would have heard this when I was in my teens. I go to ACA and I am just learning now about my inner family. It seemed totally foreign at first but it's all starting to make sense now and this video helped me a lot.
You hit it right in the head. One of the best explanations I've heard on anxious attachment disorder. You identified where the problem stems from and how that shows up in a relationship. Then explained that the separation is what really builds healthy relationships not the other way around. The pull and the coming together. Finished off with how to deal with it and how to create space to allow the relationship to flourish. Bravo!!!
This is one of the most exceptional videos I’ve come across. You really have a knack for explaining the nuances and positive benefits without shaming. Thank you.
Ahhhhhh crap I lean avoidant and I was just explaining to someone last night how I've been learning to recognise my feelings because I would feel something like discomfort, but dismiss it because I couldn't find the reason attached to that feeling in my relationship. It wouldnt be until the following day or so where I would actually understand what was happening to me and how it affected my experience of things. You explaining all that is completely accurate. This was quite the cause of friction between my ex and I as he was very anxious. The parent and child self dynamic is also accurate and was actually the main reason we split up
I cannot emphasize enough how helpful your videos have been and continue to be for me. It's like I have finally found a resource that truly explains my reactions and inner child's fears. Thanks you so much for pointing me toward how I heal myself and become who I truly am. Thank you so much.
Thank you, I needed that. I went through an awful, acrimonious divorce last year with intense feelings of betrayal by a woman I thought I knew. I had always felt I had a secure attachment style and probably had too high of a level of trust and allowed myself to ignore a million red flags for two decades. I am realizing that this trauma has given me a lovely case of anxious attachment with my new partner, sigh. I reconnected with my childhood sweetheart, and she is an amazing person. My lost best friend and love. Romance novel stuff that doesn’t even sound real. She has recently pulled away to focus on things she needs to get done, and it has been devastating in way I feel in my bones. I have been self sabotaging by trying to hold on too long to the initial intimacy of a love coming back after decades of us longing for each other in shitty marriages. It’s time to put in work, and I might have already blown it, sigh. But thank you anyway! I will try to keep all of this in mind as I count the hours and days between her texts, and cross my fingers she doesn’t end it due to my big dumb puppy-dog ways 😂
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. -Kahlil Gibran, “Marriage”
I literally cried listening to this video because I found it incredibly reassuring and helpful! I became aware in the last couple of days I‘m having an anxious response to my long distance partner who hasn‘t been messaging me. After recognizing this response, I didn‘t really know what I was supposed to do with this information. Intuitively, I knew that asking him to message me everyday, so that I can be reassured he‘s still thinking about me, was not a skillful response. …But what then?…Do I mention it to him at all? Even though I‘m not sure, I have been taking steps to come back to myself, remembering that I am my own separate individual with hobbies and things that bring me joy. I think solidifying this reminder will ultimately allow me to accept the possibility of loss which, right now, is still a little difficult to accept ngl. Your video just really brought so much clarity and affirmed to me that I‘m at least going in the right direction for a more secure attachment. I truly cannot thank you enough for this video! 🙏🏽❤️
this is really good advice and holds up very well. when i first started dating my boyfriend, id have moments where id feel the energy change and because of my past relationships with avoidant leaning people, id think of the worst case scenario and spiral. as i dated him more, i started learning to differentiate myself from him, and because hes secure and is always honest and open, it helps me realize that the issue is me being triggered and allows me the space to self soothe. im actually getting really good at it! i was reading my journal and noted to myself how much i’ve grown
One of your best lines which helped me so much is … “and here I am surviving it” Best tool to taking your power back after being able to admit yes I was betrayed, yes the injustice happened, yes…. But here I am surviving it. A million thank yous!
I have to say I really appreciate your unconventional advice. I am sooooooo sick of hearing the advice that everyone needs to just leave their loving and respectful relationships with real potential to go and TRY to find a secure unicorn. Intuitively as a disorganized attacher and a person who is educated in medicine and psychology, I really feel like Amir Lavine got that part wrong and was pretty prescriptive with the attachment spectrum without offering real solutions. Thanks for looking out for those of us who can’t handle the haystack method of dating and for those of us who have a deep desire to just rid ourselves of crippling anxiety.
Your video came at a perfect moment for me ❤ I go through a situation in a friendship where my best friend is not able to give me same energy and attention, as is used to be, and your video reminded me of practicing autonomy and to get in touch with my inner child and give her the needed attention. Thank you 😊
Your videos on attachment styles and toxic shame have really helped me on my journey. I think the examples you give are so on point and contain much more truths than I initially realized. I think the self-love video and my real life experiences really made it click. Thank you, Heidi, for putting this stuff out there in such an easy digestible way on RUclips and adding your own spin to it. 🙏🏻
Feeling sad right now because I had an opportunity to voice my needs with someone but didn’t because I still didn’t feel safe enough after a month or so of dating. I tend to be abandoned when I state what I want so now I freeze. My last therapist was awful and totally fumbled the ball in helping me - this video is what I needed then! I fear I’ll never get the hang of it. 😢
I think I can relate. I start by telling myself: "It will be OK. Be brave because we're smart and can learn to do this. Imma give myself some time and set myself up for success with practice. I can do this to grow in in my goals: Self-Knowledge, Self-Compassion, Self-Care, Self-Love, and Courage"🫶🏾
Holy cow I needed this. My crush leans more avoidant he HAS reassured me that he loves hanging out and I still feel panic at our separation. I have it BAD!! This video is helping me
I’ve struggled with this my whole life and I can say this is the best explanation of a process on what to do and what his happening I’ve ever seen!! So thankyou ❤
this is one of the most profound videos I’ve ever watched, and I’ve been coming back to watch it over and over when I feel like I’m in an anxious spot. Thank you Heidi, seriously!
Dear Heidi, your videos have been helping me a lot. Thank you for that. This is something I am struggling with and the pain of separation feels intolerable. I am afraid that once we separate and they spend time on their own/with friends/doing anything without me, they will realize how much happier they are when I am not around and leave for good. The feeling of separation becomes even more intolerable by the fact that I do not like myself a lot, so I often don't know what to do with myself and how to do something for myself. I think I have a problem recognizing, understanding and accepting boundaries, as I equate them with love. Fewer boundaries = more love. My therapist once used a simple phrase when we were talking about this, she said "... and this is where you stop/end (and he as his own person starts)" roughly translated from German - that's all it took for me to start crying uncontrollably. I feel like I am nothing if I cannot constantly relate to/engage with someone else. It has been getting better since I started therapy, my partner is very patient and kind and constantly reassuring (which also makes me feel guilty because I keep giving them the feeling that whatever they are doing is never enough, and my partner also has cried before because of that which is heartbreaking - their own personal issues also very much "fit" into my issues, unfortunately). Now, I was wondering, could you recommend any books for someone with anxious attachment or in general books that can help me build a healthy relationship with myself but also with others? I don't want to sabotage my own life and relationship and I am afraid I am doing so slowly but steadily. I love my partner very much and I do not wish to hurt them with my behaviour. Thank you in advance (and even if you do not read this, thank you regardless, your videos have been a source of insight and also a way for me to reregulate myself).
I don't know good references in english but I can only tell you that reading books about emotional dependency (not sure about the term in english) have helped me a lot ! I understood more what is respectful in relationship and what is not. Indeed we have to learn to respect other's boundaries, it's so sooo important for healthy relationships. I hope that you will find good tools to help you. You are on the good path :) keep going ! Full support from France 🤗
Adult children of emotionally unavailable parents is a great book. From my experience, it will help you understand the WHY in your behaviors, which can help give yourself grace while you are going through this healing journey ❤
I don’t remember the exact titles or authors and haven’t read them myself, but I think Heidi’s previously mentioned a book called “C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” and also the authors Pete Walker and (Tom? John?) Bradshaw!
Wow. This was incredibly insightful. I feel challenged but also a weight has lifted because I have more clarity. Thank you for sharing your expertise so generously.
This is a life saviour for me at the moment. I cannot thank you enough to put this thorough, informed and very gentle explanation and steps. Thank you Heidi. I want you to know that you are helping me a lot.
Less than 2 minutes in and I had this memory flashback of me being in kindergarten. My childhood best friend joined my class and I wanted to show him around and was basically glued until he got very annoyed at my hovering. And when a new kid became his best friend years later, it crushed me. Slowly seeing that kid come around more and more (that childhood best friend and I lived directly across the street from each other)
In my experience, this also applies to platonic relationships. I've had multiple experiences in which I lost a good friend and or ruined a developing friendship by being too clingy and asking for reassurance from the people I wanted to be friends with instead of taking my distance at the moments when it seemed like there was a lot at stake.. To be honest. I even feel like I have this anxious experience more with friendships. Whereas with romantic relationships (even though I AM heavily dependent on someone) I tend to trick myself into thinking that I am very independent from them and as a result unconsciously give off the message that I do not care about them.
You rather them think you don’t love them then they not love you cause you love too much to the point it turns them off. They start questioning you as a man. on the inside just that kid who’s mother neglected him after the age of 7 when she fell Into deep depression. It’s like I’m still searching for what’s lacking. Truly i just want to be loved.
This video was so much better than all the other relationship/attachment figureheads that I was recommended. I feel like there’s this overwhelming sense to other content creators to be “detached” or just focus on accommodating attachment styles but this was presented in a way that I truly felt like I was learning rather than taking notes on “what to say and do,” which felt so unauthentic to who I am. I don’t want to simply memorize words or try to plug and play to fit my specific scenario(s) but truly learn about attachment in a way that allows me to take the emotion out of it. Just a long-winded way of saying that I really enjoy your presentation of these topics and don’t have overwhelming feelings that make the content hard to digest.
Thank you for this video. I’m extremely anxiously attached and this has really helped me. I think it’s not only just my partner I’m like this with, but parents and others I’m close to too. ❤
Hey i dont really post comments... But just by hearing u explaining eased my heavy heart and anxiety. Thanks for helping people like us who can't pay for therapy. May God bless you
im trying to rebuild things with my avoidant leaning ex. this and all your videos have been so helpful in actually safely finding a way to the center. working on being able to handle that space instead of diving in too hard and ruining things is so important for this process. thank you so much
i‘m curious, are you anxiously attached? me and my partner broke up after weeks of on and off and it’s so hard to accept that it does not work. under which circumstances do you see a real chance for you both to get together again?
This is a bit of an old video so I’m not sure if you’ll see this comment, but for some reason, this particular video is immediately calming for my triggered anxiety state. Whether it’s the way you speak or laid out all the information, it just calmed me down entirely.
I actually just watched and had that same feeling. I have watched other videos on this and also talked with therapists but for some reason this one hit different.
its a trip to realize that if you're used to being anxiously attached, being secure feels like being avoidant
RIGHT!
Oh my God this
I guess, but I still feel like if you fix the problem later that’s not really avoiding it. That’s you waiting until you can hold space for it.
@@janatomlin1296the wait “feels like” avoiding… until it doesn’t.
100% THIS
I’m anxious attached. I replaced questions like “are you upset with me” and “did I do something wrong” with “I noticed a shift in your mood (responsiveness, attentiveness, communication, etc). We don’t have to talk right now about this shift, but I’m open to talking about it when you’re ready.”
As the anxious attached person, naming that I noticed something helps to calm my anxiety enough to actually do the slowing way down and giving space as stated in the video. It also takes the pressure off the avoidant partner to have an answer right away.
How incredibly self aware of you! Great job!! Great hack-
My ex is anxious and i’m dismissive. I greatly appreciate you sharing how to communicate!Thank you!
Great example and application! Thank you for this sharing :)
Thank you
Okay this is very helpful. I was a bit perplexed that she might mean I had to say *nothing* in that kind of situation and just wait until the other person gets aware of the mood swing as well, what would have been incredible hard for me. But I was willing to try it because I'm acknowledging that this journey *will* be hard and I have to pull myself together.
Very relieved that this is a possible way to communicate it.
Also: When the other person knows that I'm anxious attached and am working on it, I can (hopefully) trust her to understand what the noticing of a mood shift means to me. So if she choses to, she could support me, but according to her time and ressources. But it would be her choice and I would not put a burden on her.
Please correct me, if I'm understanding it wrong. I'm just learning about it and have no experience yet in this regard.
1. when something seems off in the relationship, affirm that and slow down
2. lean back and self-regulate outside of the relationship
3. normalize space as a regular part of a healthy relationship; accepting the possibility of loss is absolutely essential
4. locate your feelings in your body and identify your needs
5. reconnect to communicate your needs ("I" language) and negotiate agreements
Do I have that right? Folks, this video is worth a careful listen! Really helpful/life-changing stuff here, for me at least.
For me too. Had a huge insight listening to it, which changes a lot for me 🙌🏽✨
🔥🔥🔥
Totally hits home. 1000% When I hit the anxiety spiral I need to stop … not “slow down”, SLOW WAY DOWN.
Thank you!
thanks for organizing and articulating this so handily and quickly!
In my experinece anxious partners are not clingy once they feel secure and validated. The best way to keep your attachment system at ease for an anxious partner is to date someone who is secure and giving you what you need in a relationship
I think the point is to be that person for yourself. Yes it's ideal to have a securely attatched partner, but relying on your partner to be your sense of security is unhealthy
Yes but also eesh. It's very important for a person to learn how to feel secure and validated by them themselves. I personally am learning how to do this because it is actually far too much work to rely on someone else to be the things I should be for myself.
This has not been my experience at all, speaking as a secure (according to the tests). Anxious partners do not feel secure because of anything I do. I can certainly make it worse, and I can certainly help temporarily make it better, but it does not go away, it's always there, because it's not actually about me, it's about them. I am coming up on 8 years of marriage to an anxious style and to this day she still has a hard time controlling her clinginess and she is VERY self aware of what's happening and trying very hard to regulate herself.
The best thing for every attachment style is to date a secure, that's obvious, but they keep going for avoidant because that's what they really want. Actions speak louder than words. Before me, my wife was going on year 3 of anxiously chasing an ex that was insanely avoidant and emotionally abusive. It takes years of self work to undo the kind of programming that makes somebody do something like that.
In the book Attached it says it's ok to truly rely on our partner, I'm confused
@@samwise222how do you feel, marrying an anxious person? Do you find it hard? Do you find that it is a burdensome weight to bear?
Wow! I never thought about it like that. "You can't have feelings in someone else's body" yeah, it does sound ridiculous now, to say "I feel like you are mad at me". Well said.
Right?! I love this!! It’s so simple but when you really think about it, why would you ever assume you know what a person is thinking?
She is bringing me to tears. "As your loving parent, Ill take care of you." Thank you.
I've always found the whole "inner child" and me being the loving parent bit SO cringy. My poor therapist
this might be the best video on anxious attachment I've ever seen
Agreed!!
I totally agree!
Being a psychology junkie I have to admit Heidi has a unique talent of explaining complex concepts in ways that are so easy to digest that even children would get it 🙌❤️
Completely agree ❤
I agree! Do you have any other channel recommendations for this style of psychology?! Heidi is the best but I would like to find more.
I was exactly thinking the same 🙌🏽 like how. One of her best videos also ✨
@ronlyons7455 crappy child hood fairy & Patrick
Thank you for naming my new self-description - psychology junkie! 😂
😊
Literally just talked me off a ledge of reaching out and texting. Working on self-soothing and leaning back in the relationship by doing my beauty routines, taking bubble baths, gardening, binge watching my fav shows, painting my nails, baking cookies, focusing on my career, & working out. Thank you! I am anxiously attached and the guy I am dating is avoidant (surprise surprise). He is wonderful, but he takes a few days to respond after intimate moments and milestones. Love your channel, Heidi! 💕
Oh wow, I could not wait days for my man to respond. It's so hard to even wait hours for him to come home from work 😢
I'm also anxiously attached and my guy shows Avoidant traits. Comments like this gives me hope for our relationship. We're both trying and I just hope I can calm my anxieties when he needs his space and time.
@@paige8361 it's no way to live 😔
I cried so much watching this video and I’m convinced it’s too painful to try to have romantic relationships
Oeeeh how is it going now? My avoidant ex came back to really give it another go. We're both in our own healing journey's now!
I’m going through this right now! The person I’m with has pulled away and my nerves got the better of me and so did my anxious attachment style! This video was spot on! Instead of worrying about them I’m going to use the time and space to focus on me and my wants and needs! There is no reason to stop showing up for me just cause someone else isn’t! Who knows what will happen all I know is I’m thankful I saw this video ❤ and will let the space happen naturally
Was there a reason why they pulled away ?
I confronted mine in a text. He saw it and hasn't replied. Going on 5 days . It's so difficult. Depression and anxiety from all this
This is definitely me, although I'm learning to be more comfortable with having space and not communicating 24/7. Unfortunately for you to learn this you have to be in a relationship, because no other relationships like friendships will trigger this in me. It's really the romantic ones that get to me.
Same. Im watching this to self regulate
Yes. As an AA, especially in the early stage of a romantic relationship, I want a lot of communication, and kind of expect things to progress on a ”linear scale”, always up, more communication. This video is very helpful, like the tide the closeness comes and goes, and that has to be ok and I have to be able to self regulate when the tide is out.
Focusing on me, my hobbies, meditation helps. Also, I’ve noticed how I tell myself negative stories about the relationship in my head, and eventually it ”feels” like a truth. I think these negative thoughts are subconscious and we don’t fully notice them. Like a super pessimistic person whispering in your ear that they are pulling away, they will leave. Being able to recognize that and tell yourself another story is really helpful, however hard 😂.
Good luck all of you ❤️
I have it completly same. Its a fresh long distance relationship and I woldl be open to communicate with her 24/7, but that is simply not healthy nor possible. I need to give her space and when I see her again talk about this.
Same
Oh my gosh, yes!! I have no issues in my friendships. It's my romantic relationships where I start to panic and question and worry. It literally sucks, and I'm trying to help myself be less anxious, but also be honest with my partner about my struggles. Because honestly when I'm super anxious, all I really want is some cuddles lol I just want to feel safe again and in their arms.
I swear this is one of the best explanations I've seen on RUclips lol. It's not simply pull back and wait for them to be back, but pull back so that you too can evaluate and learn something about yourself, so that you have worked on something in that time apart meaning there's been growth as an upside to having the feeling of distance. Thank you for this illustration!! 😅
you just prevented me from setting up my relationship for failure again. you helped me save my relationship. thank you Heidi!
How are things going a month later? Are we ultimately doomed being anxious having attractions to avoidants ??
I feel doomed lol.
@@jaclynvanderheyden5147No you’re never doomed as long as you’re learning and improving in life
It’s truly so helpful to know that periods of space are normal and needed for a healthy relationship. I’ve spent so much mental energy spinning my wheels trying to figure out if him needing a day or 2 without texting is “weird” or a red flag or disrespectful in some way.
My parents are super enmeshed and codependent so I’ve never witnessed healthy space and people not being 110% locked in and keeping tabs on each other all the time. I see now that there are more healthy ways to function! Thank you
I grew up in the same type of home and having issues at 68 of knowing what's normal and what's healthy and what's disrespectful. Thank you for writing this.
Three plus years of expensive therapy I couldn’t afford and this is the first time these concepts are making sense to me. So pulling apart is normal and it’s not a bad thing!!! GAH. Thank you!!
Same! 4 years of expensive therapy, and first time I'm getting clarity on this!
My thoughts exactly. No body told us that the apart bit is okay too
Yeah, I get that, but in my experience therapy with a professional still can play an important role in healing. But it's important to find the right therapist for you and do "homework", work on healing, learning, reading, watching talks in your own time as well and not just go to therapy. :))
I've been to several therapists that didn't work out in the past, so now when I realized I was going nowhere by trying to just give myself "therapy" on my own and I did need a professional to help me on my journey, I made sure to this time choose a therapist myself that I felt I could click with based on their profile. And first one I chose actually worked out pretty well for me, but I decided to follow my feeling and after a few sessions chose another therapist I had had a gut feeling about. And she has been able to really help me. :) I also work proactively on my healing in my own time: I journal, read or listen to books or listen to seminars or talks on RUclips (such as this one, Tim Fletcher's talks on trauma have also really helped me on my healing journey, and Jimmy on Relationships videos). :)
May sun shine on your path towards healing. ❤
I’m consistently baffled at how Heidi, a complete stranger, makes videos that speak directly to and essentially describe me and my life. You’ve been immensely helpful to me. Thank you, Heidi.
@srhuband it truly is baffling how there's absolutely nothing special about any one particular individual, that they can all just be put in boxes like "anxious attachment" and "avoidant attachment"...
@@Vic_Chaos_ But she's not saying that, or putting people into little boxes. Like.. I'm watching the hell out of her videos right now while processing a breakup, because it's helping. I mention this because I can tell you that she made a video a few days ago on the importance of *not* boxing people; it's a quick fix coping strategy for when we don't know what's going on, but hurts our relationships. Your assertion isn't truthful, you get me?
I think the biggest realization for me was, that it wasn't me who was anxious. I was just with a wrong partner to begin with. I remember watching these videos on loop trying to calm down my anxiety and deal with all the panic attacks that were caused. Thinking there was something I could do. I was just with a partner who failed to take accountability for their actions and completely lacked empathy as a human being. when you date someone like that you are bound to feel shitty because they not only lack basic communication skills but they choose to not treat you as a human being. It's not their fault, maybe they just never learnt this concept to begin with. And that's okay. But it is not your job to stay in that relationship and deal with the human being. You can choose yourself and respectfully walk away. I remember dealing with his commitment phobia even if he was 5 years older than I was. And the worst part was he didn't know what he wanted. He kept me on the loop, never communicated clearly what he really wanted and would detatch and attach according to his convenience. If anxiety wasn't a natural reaction to his behavior, I don't know what is.
My current partner, makes me feel seen and is able to understand my emotions. Most importantly treats me like a valid human being. So naturally the anxiety faded, coz well I found someone who reassured me. But also I came to the conclusion that it is not other person's responsibility to deal with your emotional outbreak and emotional dependency on anyone is not good.
Wow so relate to this..thanks for sharing
I can relate to this. I'm re-ssessing the potential, facing similar behaviours to what you describe
I took hours to take notes of everything she said in this video because I don’t want to just casually listen but really internalize and integrate the tips she gave in this video. I must say I’ve never found anyone like her on RUclips about this topic who gives out genuinely meaningful and practical advice that could actually change someone’s life and save a relationship. I can’t thank Heidi enough for the amazing contents she’s put out here. It’s been truly immensely helpful on my healing journey so far.
- make a playlist
- connect to yourself (body, my life, my aspirations etc)
- talk about both points of view (so helpful!)
- respect other people's point of view, boundaries, needs
- do the things from your perspective; if something after you yourself have gave your best shot, is not fulfilling needs (for example, she doesn't want to talk about it) THAT IS USEFUL INFORMATION FOR KEEPING MY INNER CHILD SAFE!
- i think the most useful things is, don't try to change anyone and be the one for yourself who meets your needs and takes care of you even when there is break in communication; they are okay and part of relationship, it is like we go on separate adventures then come together to share our lores; however if after communicating using I language, and partner doesn't realize, you have to think about your inner children.
- realize your differences
Out of hundreds of videos on how to cope with my anxiety in my relationship, this video truly was a godsend. I keep rewatching it. Learning my independence, letting my partner have her independence, and having that beautiful connection when we come together. Loved this video and it helped me so much! Cannot thank you enough
Im in a new relationship now and my parner is very independent. Im just now understanding that i am anxious attached. I have felt this sense of panic and need to pull them back, but i never knew what it was or how to identify it. Now that im learning more about what it is and why it happens, im realizing how ive smothered and over communicated in the last few relationships, and that it was a big part of why they didnt work. This video is so helpful for me. It introduced me so well to the concept, cause, and methods to self regulate. All i know is, i dont want to. Lol i wish my partner would judt give me all of his time and intimacy and attention haha. But that isnt healthy to expect that from someone who is very independent. Or anyone for that matter. Now i have to work on me. Thanks 😊
How’s it been so far?
Honestly it was a big relief to hear someone like me admit that they don't *want to* solve all their own emotional dysregulation. I mean, it sounds obvious put like that, but I keep feeling 'Okay, I can do *some* of this, but am I *really* not supposed to look for someone who is okay so that I can be helped with my not okay?' Because I do experience this 'disgust' response when met with someone trying to parentify me jn even a miniscule way, but I parentify my partners all the time in expecting them to emotionally regulate me when I feel like something is wrong.
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Thank you. It amuses me that I need strong psychological advice and and training to navigate a loving relationship - such is the legacy of childhood trauma. I thought the pulling away was a lack of constancy, now I see it is part of the constancy; like the tide, it comes in, it goes out. I was triggered by feeling the relationship was going wrong when it was only doing what it needed naturally. The pulling apart threw me into a path of negativity, and my avoidant partner makes mistakes in his behaviour when he is coming upon feeling fear of intimacy, so I convinced myself the relationship was bad, which it isn't, it's just that there are mistakes in it.
I like what you said ‘like the tide’ I’ll remember that.
Thank you, this is such a useful video for the anxiously attached!
Thank you so much for this. I've been familiar with attachment theory for years, I've read Attached multiple times, and I've explored my anxious attachment extensively in therapy... But somehow no-one has ever put it in terms like this. Most of the material on anxious attachment out there focuses on the message of "Stop worrying. It's all in your head". Hearing you acknowledge that my anxieties are grounded in reality, but not necessarily something to feel anxiety over was SO validating and freeing. After watching this a couple weeks ago, I felt a huge sigh of relief and new sense of control. I was able to focus on other aspects of my life beyond my connection with my new partner, and when I welcomed space between us, he came closer again. Funny thing is, I'm still happy to offer continued space as I'm actually enjoying the benefits myself. Thank you!
I really love how you use unconditional life acceptance here. a lot of people are led to believe that convincing yourself everything is definitely okay is the solution. the real solution is to be comfortable with uncertainty and accept the possibility that something unpleasant might happen- the thing you need to convince yourself of is that you can still live and be happy in the absence of that person, even if you were single for the rest of your life, or never found somebody like them again. unconditional acceptance is the solution to all things that make you miserable.
Anxious attachment here. I acknowledge my attitude (I also know some of the origins). But folks it's so haaaaaaaaaard to rewire everything!!
Let us try, we shall get it eventually
Yess
Summary/ Overview:
Steps 1-5:
6:05 1 When you feel something is off in the relationship, accept that your gut feeling might be real, on/ for your side, don't try to figure out or solve the situation. Learn to not panic at the thought that that maybe there is something wrong.
Soothe your inner child, be your own parent, take care of your inner child with reassurance that 'ill take care of you whatever happens next', 'this to shall pass'.
9:55 2 Your anxious pattern is kinda trying to regulate your partner/ the other person, in order for you to have their support again (your safety feeling, to have the option~).
Notice if your hyper tuned into your partner, like stressed/ super attentive/ focus, ground yourself/ get into your your own skin/ body again, relax, your safe, name/ put words on what's happening/ the feeling. Ground yourself in your own body again, 'disconnect from the situation', 'leave the connectedness with that relation and reconnect with yourself again'. Get back to your adult self. Re-resource yourself.
16:05 3 ~50% together intimate, ~50% or more separate, normalize this, the 'on and off (healthy)', the back and forth, the momentary changes, 'the elegant polite dance, moving into exotic twerking, getting tired and having a drink, then going home alone and wait a week to dance elegantly again'.
Being together majority/ 100% of the time, is not realistic, its fantasy.
18:20 4 Accept what's happening, eventual co-regulation with someone outside if this particular relation. Let feelings and needs surface in your conscious, during this time, so you can put it into words. Once you've a grasp with words of the situation, you can communicate with your parter in a non-enmeshed way.
Eventually share boundaries/ requests* and agreements/ requests* suggestions. If they're not down for this.. Well now you know, be prepared to wrap up and champion your inner child.
Give partner the space they need, then share your feelings in an unenmeshed way, if partner is uninterested, don't self-abandon, accept, respect yourself, move on.
20:35 5 Which agreements could bring back harmony and balance? Agreements that respects both's needs and boundaries, in a healthy way, you guys might want to check with each other what those are. Negotiate? Air thoughts and feelings.
Figure out from a place of accepting, loss is a possibility.
-Equanimity [ ee-kwuh-nim-i-tee, ek-wuh- ] - mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.
Anxious - separation is the difficult part 23:04
Avoidant - togetherness intimacy is the difficult part 23:00
Secure - from time to time be apart, regulate yourself, recognize where you two are different, come back together when both can show up as their adult selves. 23:10
PS: 10:17 '..so you can siphon regulation out of them..' - Haha.
“Siphon regulation off of them” caught me hard too! 😂 Ninja star of truth. Your summary is excellent and I really appreciate the time you took to write it up and share it. Took screenshots of the whole thing. I’m preparing to do some deep work with all the steps.
Good luck and best wishes to you.
"Always being super close and intimate and connected and never feeling alone for a moment is not a realistic portrayal of secure adult relationships; its a fantasy."
Wow. I was in a 5 year relationship exactly like this fantasy. We would pull away, but for like an hour/day tops. And I always knew it was unhealthy enmeshment. But I'm just now realizing exactly how unhealthy it was. This year has been a major struggle. Thanks for the videos!!
Whew, I needed this....because I'm anxious about everything right now. I need to relax and breathe 😩 tell myself, "Get it together girl"! #self regulation
Heidi you need to know that you are saving lives with these videos. A few days ago I had no idea attachment theory was a concept and now with your help I feel so incredibly empowered and excited to help heal my attachment style. Being heavily anxiously attached and never have even spoken or cared for my inner child I have a long road ahead and cannot thank you enough for the help and encouragement you have provided with your knowledge and skill. I have been making my rounds through the attachment community and your videos are truly the best at explaining not only the concept, but the concepts around the concepts, and also examples to help explain the concepts. I am never left confused or wanting with your explanations and have subscribed and am ready to support you in any way I can. Thank you so much my friend and keep up the good (and heathy) work.
You said it!
Hi there, just curious as an anxiously attached individual trying to heal themselves, How is your journey going? 🙏🏻
I started crying when she said to remind yoyr inner child its okay that confirmed i have alot of healing to do but it is an empowering feeling to bring it to the surface where you can see and actually closer to do something about it. I hope all is well
The statement that hit home for me is: IF they want to talk about it. And if they don’t I tend to want to force them to talk it through & sort out whatever the issue is. I’m in an unrequited love situation with my roommate, complicated by the fact that we did sleep together a few times & then he lost interest but we’re still sharing a space & have been trying to be just friends but I clearly want more, so I accept whatever crumbs of affection I receive. I’m constantly trying to get more affection, of ANY kind, but have just realised that in the few months we’ve known each other he’s only done me one small unsolicited kindness whilst I do him kindnesses almost every day. I feel ridiculous knowing that I’m trying to be so awesome that he’ll realise how great I am but also knowing I’m wasting my time & energy on him when I’d be better off spending them on my career.
i have very recently learned that in almost every area of my life, i tend to air more fearful/avoidant. however, the second i feel safe with someone and start to connect with them more intimately (especially romantic partners), i am extremely anxious. this video is literally saving my quality of life as i type
Wow. Needed this so much!! 58 years old and need to heal this part of me before I ruin a relationship I am in.
I'm tearing up, this is what I have been feeling all week... 😭
Heidi is clearly one of the best in the mental health internet content realm.
“That separation is healthy” ❤🎉 and I love how describe feelings in the body . It gives me such a relief every time it helps me not charge when my body is an extreme reaction to an emotion. I actually slow down and pay attention , listen to that feeling & work with it. Thank you Heidi you’ve changed my life for the better.
I'm a FA who now tends to be on the more anxious side in relationships. I'm doing a lot of work for my FA style but this was super helpful! This pattern of sensing something is wrong and panicking (either wanting to get reassurance from my partner or overthinking all of my "supposed faults" and debating if the relationship is even a good idea) is driving me crazy sometimes
I feel you! I’m an FA too it's very hard since we are alone most of the time and away from our partner. But I keep telling to myself I need to be comfortable being uncomfortable! Hope we can heal
Never have I found a video that has spoken to me more and come at a time I needed more - thank you
This is good, this is where I’m at in life. Also, I had a platonic friend constantly seek validation from me when I got busy or didn’t respond right away. It was exhausting interacting with her and now I know that’s how I’ve acted in romantic relationships. I can easily see how relationships don’t last like that.
"Separation is healthy" this is my mantra now.
I just wanted to say thank you for all of the knowledge I've received from these videos, they have helped me immensely in understanding not only myself, but the person that I love. I see so many people on these videos say that they cannot deal with avoidants anymore, and must look to themselves first. I believe this now, and it has helped me set boundaries, and be more firm in my commitment to time & space for both of us. I know that my anxious style is just as much an issue as her avoidance, and it is something we work on together, with patience and understanding. I have become so good at reading her non verbal cues, and time and again, this works to our benefit which gives her the space to express herself, her love for me. She is very non verbal in her affirmation and love, she cares through touch. For example, the other morning at work, she was not ready for interaction. I got the push away palm, but I already knew from her face she wasnt ready for me yet. An hour later, she sought me out to "apologize" in her own way, just through small talk, a positive interaction, she reset her morning and tried again. Big for her. We have only been together in a casual way for a few months now, and I continually improve on recognizing my triggers and how to deal with things like separation and silence much better than in the beginning, and she works on finding a middle ground inside of herself. At first, I was so confused as to why we would have so much fun together, gain closeness, only to have her orbit away for several days only to return. These periods are almost non existent now, we talk every day, see each other 6 days a week at work & after work at least once a week. I know I have sacrificed a lot to get to this point, and its a tug of war to gain back what my open heart gave away, but i work at it every day. For someone to go from a 25 year marriage to a relationship with a DA 19 years younger than me is a big mountain to climb, I haven't done this in YEARS. I went from secure to anxious overnight, i wasn't ready. A steep learning curve, but to me, her love is worth it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I and my love have an 11-year gap. There have been times as well that one moment we are so connected and inseparable and the next day he wouldn't respond to my text. His inconsistency usually takes a toll on me and makes me think of negative things towards him when I have always been there for him doing the extra mile. Maybe, it is also the problem. I don't know. Or maybe he just has his episodes. I understand there are lots of things going on in his life right now that he opened up to me before. But I always believed in communication because it terrifies me to be left in the dark with overwhelming confusion. I am doing my best to understand him better and myself. I have kept telling myself it is all a natural part of any relationship. And that I have to accept it and respect his space.
@Boiii_R_E the differences are stark, and if we aren't ready and equipped to deal with it, it leads to a lot of confusion, loneliness, and just bad thoughts. It's been a roller coaster for sure. A man, a really stupid man, but a good heart, falls in love with a woman much younger and from another country. They could not be more different. I tell her we are puzzle pieces, different, but we fit perfectly.
Ability to actually communicate these things in a respectful and mature way is the most important thing, whether needing space or feeling disconnected. If the partner just pulls away and doesn’t communicate why or what they want, it can even trigger the most secure people on earth.
This has been really a good listen. I'm an anxious avoidant and I've often been in this really conflicted state where i actually myself have needed the space too but the anxious side starts panicking about losing the connection so i go on uncomfortable overdrive of trying keep communication open. And the energy of that situation is so confusing. I'm going to start nurturing the spaces with the knowing that it is actually very healthy.
WOOOOAH I've felt this same thing!! I think I'm going to start embracing that feeling more. Having feelings of wanting space but not wanting to lose the connection.
I experienced this need for enmeshment with an anxious person. It almost felt like they did it so I didn’t have time to stop and think and thereby decide if they were right for me. When I did set a boundary for more space they stonewalled and pretended to agree (sense a hidden veil of anger underneath) and just having the space made me realise they were not right for me.
But the issue is that sometimes your feeling that something is off and that the person is pulling away because they genuinely do not wish to continue the relationship can be bang on. It’s not always an attachment issue or something in your head, you can be genuinely sensing true and real signals they are actually sending you.
Yeah, how do you tell one from the other? 😅
From my own journey, I’ve realized one good way is to ask kindly, non-judgmentally and in good faith. Keeping the door open for the other person to be honest with you and being patient about it is critical for open healthy communication.
Ohhh 😶 do i ever relate to this feeling 🥱🥹👌💓
So sooo true. In my experience, all the guys that were evitant with me were also not really into me, so... Yeah. It's not always just in your heads.
I thought that was kind of the whole point of the first half of this video? She validates that truth, and then explains in detail how to deal with that.
I actually stopped the video at the 15 minute mark to put on a playlist of songs that I love that have no association with my past relationship or my ex. It was tremendously helpful!! I felt like myself again 💖
heidi, i'm so grateful for your videos right now! ❤
i just came out of a breakup, i'm anxious and my partner is avoidant and we were constantly triggering each other within the relationship. the problem is that we still love each other very much but we were both not doing well within the relationship anymore. he doesn't have as much willingness as i do to work on the relationship and i'm having a hard time letting him go. i think i see so much potential in him that i probably would have continued to stay in the relationship. i wish he would be willing to go down this road with me. on one hand i wish he would get in touch and want me back, on the other hand i have to take care of myself and set boundaries. it's so incredibly hard :(
thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us!
No don't ever go back with ex. Especially if your an anxious attachment style and the other person is an avoidant. Your going to be doing all the work the other person will not put in any effort. It's not worth it trying to make that work it won't because yall are to incompatible just date your self. Then once your ready find someone with an secure attachment to meet your needs. It will drive you crazy dating an avoidant person just leave.
Thank you Heidi. You are brilliant and you are saving lives. I was panicking so hard today and felt like about to explode. I knew enough not to throw all my baggage or emotional confusion on her and your video came at the nick of time. I listened twice and read the comments and tried my best to follow your advice. And low and behold. An hour and 45 mins later she responds neutrally and a half hour after that she says she cares about me. That's all I ever wanted but I have to let her give it out of her own free will. And if she doesn't then it's ok right? I'll be ok bc being in a healthy relationship is about accepting reality and having a proper dialog instead of clinging to fantasy and asking your partner to live up to that fantasy right?
❤❤❤
❤
Right! 🙂
Update: I made quite a few good friends. I never had a support system before or opened up and made so many friends in my entire life. I've connected on a deeper level with my immediate family and my extended family letting them know what's going on and asking advice on career moves. I've read about attachment theory and taken notes on what works to heal an insecure attachment and how to pay attention to emotional cues. I'm planning and applying to earn more and expect ore in my career. I've spent more time doing the things that I enjoy and had neglected when my sole focus was her and finding security in her. She apparently noticed and flirted w me the other day and called me at night. I realize she might be bipolar and so we'll remain friends but until she can own up to her mistakes I'm not gonna chase her. I'm going to learn to set boundaries and build a relationship with someone who is willing to communicate when there are problems and is willing to give in equal amount to what I give. I deserve more and I won't settle for someone who doesn't mean what they say and doesn't say what they mean. Life is so much better these days and honestly this learning experience was long overdue.
@@therstengreat update. You may be tempted to go back, but you know in your gut that you shouldn’t.
@@raouf.604 thank you. I had my miserable days after my last post but I'm still making progress. Today was a good day.
I had to stop this video to make a comment.
I've been through therapy at certain times in my life and I've always felt that I wasn't getting any progress done with whom ever I was seeing. I kinda came to the conclusion that the therapist is just there to listen and I was the one making the next progression. Like I had to feel it on my own to move forward.
By watching these videos I have realized the reason why I dont get much from therapy.....I have also realized that I've never had a good therapist.
I've always needed logic behind things to truly understand and make a connection between ideas.
I've always just been circling aimlessly without resolution.
How am I expected to have an answer to a problem if I haven't a clue as to where to look or even start?
These videos on anxious avoidant attachment have been extremely helpful........and this is only the second one I have watched!
Thank you so much for providing a clear and detailed window into a topic that has been such a blurred concept in my mind.
Already I see this helping on many levels and definitely see this going in many directions of thought patterns.
Again thank you so much for this opportunity ❤ 🙏
Back to the video😊
Holy crap. This education on attachment is worth its weight in gold! As an anxiously attached person with CPTSD, I was significantly triggered a week ago and fled the scene (lol) without being able to express myself. The fear had me in a chokehold. I later texted my experience and am in a moment of separation which I interpret as rejection and disinterest. I would’ve never been able to appreciate their needs since I am so deeply in my own anxious fog, scrambling to self-preserve to the point of destruction/sabotage. I just turned 40. I’m so glad I can do this work now. 🙏🏽💛
I had an anxious - avoidant relationship. We had a balance, but at one point we didn't manage to come back from the separation part. And my partner didn't want to work on it. Even when I did leave her space. After a year I finally couldn't take it and offered that we should maybe go to couples counselling. She felt we didn't need it. I offered it, because I felt that I was being left alone in that relationship and when I tried to understand my partner, they pulled even more away. Over time it started feeling unfair and one sided. They got to feel safe while being the avoidant one and every time I even wanted to share something from my day, they lashed out that I should find friends for that. In the end it felt more like two roommates living together and not partners. The emotional intimacy had left the building.
I'm not sure why I wrote about it, I guess it still hurts.
Jesus loves you so so much. God sent His son to die for us so that if we repent of our sins and turn to Him, we will have eternal life. John 3:16
I’m going through this right now man, years ago, 3 years ago when i was 18 years old a dumb kid i left her. Eventually i came back to her. We had a child, but even today, that mistake is used as the reason she doesn’t want to give me physical intimacy. She tells me she loves me but “doesn’t like me”. I am always the one to initiate everything. Almost all intimacy across the board, yet when we talk about it she will only hone in on the physical sexual aspects of what i want and say I’m not emotional when she is the one who is not emotional whatsoever. I love her but i am quite tired of the relationship. Tired of being neglected and treated like I’m not the handsome athletic strong man i am. I’m tired of feeling like that sad kid. i have Borderline personality disorder or unstable personality disorder. Emotional pain is magnified for me. I almost shut down. Unable to think or really do much. First it’s just debilitating anxiety then i disassociate and it’s just empty. I just want someone who makes me feel secure, who makes me feel loved , somebody i can lean on. But i am afraid that i will always be hurt like this. I am scared to let another in as every relationship just seems to be a ticking time bomb till I’m abandoned.
yeah idk why most advice when dealing with avoidant partners is “cater to their every need and sacrifice yours” as if this isn’t a two way street that needs balance and connection and understanding to work. i’m so sorry that had to happen to you with your relationship
I relate to this. I’ve had several relationships with partners who felt safest shutting down, and weren’t interested in having the conversations needed to share what came up for each of us. I understand it feels like exhausting work to them and that they feel like we shouldn’t have to have those talks and it means something is wrong… when on my end, those moments of closeness and openness and honesty, feel reassuring and amazing. I guess it’s no one’s fault, and I need to stop wishing these huge internal icebergs didn’t exist - I have to accept they exist, they just do. All of us struggle. May each one suffering be soothed, may the lonely find contentment, may the lost be led to a place of rest and understanding. 💛
Thank you so much.
I am a viewer from Taiwan, and I struggle with severe anxiety attachment. Recently, I’ve been trying to improve and am currently interacting with a new person. I have been undergoing counseling, and after watching your video, I felt very inspired. It seems to have answered some questions that have been lingering in my mind. Thank you once again.
It's easier for an anxious partner to change himself/ herself than to change an avoidant, so here we are!
it makes me mad tbh 😅
I swear this video has helped me more than 5 years in therapy and watching reading all about relationships. Thank you Heidi. ❤
Girl, you are brilliant! Where did you learn all this stuff? I’ve lived on this earth over 50 years, and have never understood my anxious attachment responses - and am just now starting to do that. Those responses have given me so much trouble. I think every high school kid should listen to these videos you’ve made as part of a class about how to have successful relationships in life. After all, what is a more important skill than the ability to draw boundaries and have successful friendships and partnerships?
Mind blown! Its amazing how casually you speak such powerful truths.
Watched this twice. Such a perfect combination of how to love and care for yourself while also respecting the other person's needs.
Thank you Heidi-that was incrtedibly well explained!! The image/metaphor I get from this is that a stable relationship is like breathing-you can only inhale or exhale-both are necessary! It's seems so simple, yet so profound! I wish they taught this in high school!! Decades later, I find myself learning and reflecting on these teachings-better late than never!! Thanks again and keep up your brillian work-so appreciated!
This is by far the best video I've watched about the importance of space in the relationship. Great advice, thank you!!
I recently came across some genuinely thoughtful advice online that really resonated with me. It’s so easy to get caught up in the hype from influencers who often focus on self-worth and attracting relationships through concepts like “black cat/feminine energy.” While these ideas can be appealing, they sometimes overlook a crucial truth about relationships: true security comes from embracing both the good and the challenging times.
There's a beautiful quote that reminds us, “to accept spring, you have to accept the risk of winter. To accept presence, you have to accept the risk of absence.” This wisdom highlights the importance of being open to discomfort as part of a deeper connection. It’s comforting to realize that these feelings are part of the journey in building lasting relationships. 💯
It hurts a lot, you know. My mom, and my father to a lesser shown extent, have both been depressed my whole life. They both are very loving, but they pulled away often when I needed them most, though they did help me through other tough times of course. My brother and my sister too have been more reluctant to show me the constant love I show them (maybe I'm the anxious end of an avoidant family?). All the women I've loved have been dour and-or withdrawn, but bud into a beautiful happy bloom that I strive to keep open, only to fail. It makes me crazy. Separation drives me mad. It's hard to pull away, though I've been working on that. I don't like the thought of not having anyone to hold and hold me back.
Oh and the limerence. I'm already a writer with an active imagination, working a shitty lowend job, and limerence keeps me sound of mind, though it hurts my expectations and I get easily harmed when my expectations don't work out. I think that's my main problem is fantasization, no matter how kinda blasé and normal the fantasy may be.
Anyway, these vids help me think more and better about my problems. Thank you!
Heart breaking
One of the best videos I’ve seen on this so far. Thank you,
I can't believe just how scarily accurate Heidi's description of my anxious attachment is in all these videos 😭 But it's reassuring to hear that I'm not alone and there is a path to becoming healthier!
THIS VIDEO WAS AMAZINGGGG! Thank you girl for helping me gain insight into what healthy relationships are. I was never shown what a healthy relationship was like as a child, all of the relationships had unhealthy attachments, so thank you for showing me what is healthy and what I do deserve. Much love!!
I am 62 years old and I sure wish I would have heard this when I was in my teens. I go to ACA and I am just learning now about my inner family. It seemed totally foreign at first but it's all starting to make sense now and this video helped me a lot.
You hit it right in the head. One of the best explanations I've heard on anxious attachment disorder. You identified where the problem stems from and how that shows up in a relationship. Then explained that the separation is what really builds healthy relationships not the other way around. The pull and the coming together. Finished off with how to deal with it and how to create space to allow the relationship to flourish. Bravo!!!
This is one of the most exceptional videos I’ve come across. You really have a knack for explaining the nuances and positive benefits without shaming. Thank you.
Ahhhhhh crap
I lean avoidant and I was just explaining to someone last night how I've been learning to recognise my feelings because I would feel something like discomfort, but dismiss it because I couldn't find the reason attached to that feeling in my relationship. It wouldnt be until the following day or so where I would actually understand what was happening to me and how it affected my experience of things.
You explaining all that is completely accurate.
This was quite the cause of friction between my ex and I as he was very anxious.
The parent and child self dynamic is also accurate and was actually the main reason we split up
OMG! I thought I was the anxiously attached one in the relationship! This REALLY explains a LOT about why it ended. Thank you for the clarity!
Thanks, Heidi. Your work here helped me through my process of post-divorce rediscovery - or discovery - of how I show up for others and myself.
I cannot emphasize enough how helpful your videos have been and continue to be for me. It's like I have finally found a resource that truly explains my reactions and inner child's fears. Thanks you so much for pointing me toward how I heal myself and become who I truly am. Thank you so much.
I agree.
Thank you, I needed that.
I went through an awful, acrimonious divorce last year with intense feelings of betrayal by a woman I thought I knew.
I had always felt I had a secure attachment style and probably had too high of a level of trust and allowed myself to ignore a million red flags for two decades. I am realizing that this trauma has given me a lovely case of anxious attachment with my new partner, sigh.
I reconnected with my childhood sweetheart, and she is an amazing person. My lost best friend and love. Romance novel stuff that doesn’t even sound real. She has recently pulled away to focus on things she needs to get done, and it has been devastating in way I feel in my bones. I have been self sabotaging by trying to hold on too long to the initial intimacy of a love coming back after decades of us longing for each other in shitty marriages.
It’s time to put in work, and I might have already blown it, sigh.
But thank you anyway! I will try to keep all of this in mind as I count the hours and days between her texts, and cross my fingers she doesn’t end it due to my big dumb puppy-dog ways 😂
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
-Kahlil Gibran, “Marriage”
This is the most comprehensive explanation and step-by-step step guide I found so far! Thank you for sharing! 🤗 More power ❤
I literally cried listening to this video because I found it incredibly reassuring and helpful! I became aware in the last couple of days I‘m having an anxious response to my long distance partner who hasn‘t been messaging me. After recognizing this response, I didn‘t really know what I was supposed to do with this information. Intuitively, I knew that asking him to message me everyday, so that I can be reassured he‘s still thinking about me, was not a skillful response. …But what then?…Do I mention it to him at all? Even though I‘m not sure, I have been taking steps to come back to myself, remembering that I am my own separate individual with hobbies and things that bring me joy. I think solidifying this reminder will ultimately allow me to accept the possibility of loss which, right now, is still a little difficult to accept ngl.
Your video just really brought so much clarity and affirmed to me that I‘m at least going in the right direction for a more secure attachment. I truly cannot thank you enough for this video! 🙏🏽❤️
this is really good advice and holds up very well. when i first started dating my boyfriend, id have moments where id feel the energy change and because of my past relationships with avoidant leaning people, id think of the worst case scenario and spiral. as i dated him more, i started learning to differentiate myself from him, and because hes secure and is always honest and open, it helps me realize that the issue is me being triggered and allows me the space to self soothe. im actually getting really good at it! i was reading my journal and noted to myself how much i’ve grown
One of your best lines which helped me so much is … “and here I am surviving it” Best tool to taking your power back after being able to admit yes I was betrayed, yes the injustice happened, yes…. But here I am surviving it. A million thank yous!
I have to say I really appreciate your unconventional advice. I am sooooooo sick of hearing the advice that everyone needs to just leave their loving and respectful relationships with real potential to go and TRY to find a secure unicorn. Intuitively as a disorganized attacher and a person who is educated in medicine and psychology, I really feel like Amir Lavine got that part wrong and was pretty prescriptive with the attachment spectrum without offering real solutions. Thanks for looking out for those of us who can’t handle the haystack method of dating and for those of us who have a deep desire to just rid ourselves of crippling anxiety.
Your video came at a perfect moment for me ❤ I go through a situation in a friendship where my best friend is not able to give me same energy and attention, as is used to be, and your video reminded me of practicing autonomy and to get in touch with my inner child and give her the needed attention. Thank you 😊
Going through the same exact thing
Your videos on attachment styles and toxic shame have really helped me on my journey. I think the examples you give are so on point and contain much more truths than I initially realized. I think the self-love video and my real life experiences really made it click. Thank you, Heidi, for putting this stuff out there in such an easy digestible way on RUclips and adding your own spin to it. 🙏🏻
it's incredible, this video fell from the sky for me at the moment i needed it most desperately, thank you
Feeling sad right now because I had an opportunity to voice my needs with someone but didn’t because I still didn’t feel safe enough after a month or so of dating. I tend to be abandoned when I state what I want so now I freeze. My last therapist was awful and totally fumbled the ball in helping me - this video is what I needed then! I fear I’ll never get the hang of it. 😢
Im so anxiously attached that I'm feeling anxious evem while watching this video. 😖
I think I can relate.
I start by telling myself: "It will be OK. Be brave because we're smart and can learn to do this. Imma give myself some time and set myself up for success with practice. I can do this to grow in in my goals: Self-Knowledge, Self-Compassion, Self-Care, Self-Love, and Courage"🫶🏾
Yes verge of a panic attack
Change is so scary, even when I'm the one doing it and it's on purpose
I thought I was the only one! 😂 it’s going to be difficult to do but I need work on myself even more!
Holy cow I needed this. My crush leans more avoidant he HAS reassured me that he loves hanging out and I still feel panic at our separation. I have it BAD!! This video is helping me
I’ve struggled with this my whole life and I can say this is the best explanation of a process on what to do and what his happening I’ve ever seen!! So thankyou ❤
this is one of the most profound videos I’ve ever watched, and I’ve been coming back to watch it over and over when I feel like I’m in an anxious spot. Thank you Heidi, seriously!
Dear Heidi, your videos have been helping me a lot. Thank you for that. This is something I am struggling with and the pain of separation feels intolerable. I am afraid that once we separate and they spend time on their own/with friends/doing anything without me, they will realize how much happier they are when I am not around and leave for good. The feeling of separation becomes even more intolerable by the fact that I do not like myself a lot, so I often don't know what to do with myself and how to do something for myself. I think I have a problem recognizing, understanding and accepting boundaries, as I equate them with love. Fewer boundaries = more love. My therapist once used a simple phrase when we were talking about this, she said "... and this is where you stop/end (and he as his own person starts)" roughly translated from German - that's all it took for me to start crying uncontrollably. I feel like I am nothing if I cannot constantly relate to/engage with someone else. It has been getting better since I started therapy, my partner is very patient and kind and constantly reassuring (which also makes me feel guilty because I keep giving them the feeling that whatever they are doing is never enough, and my partner also has cried before because of that which is heartbreaking - their own personal issues also very much "fit" into my issues, unfortunately). Now, I was wondering, could you recommend any books for someone with anxious attachment or in general books that can help me build a healthy relationship with myself but also with others? I don't want to sabotage my own life and relationship and I am afraid I am doing so slowly but steadily. I love my partner very much and I do not wish to hurt them with my behaviour. Thank you in advance (and even if you do not read this, thank you regardless, your videos have been a source of insight and also a way for me to reregulate myself).
I don't know good references in english but I can only tell you that reading books about emotional dependency (not sure about the term in english) have helped me a lot ! I understood more what is respectful in relationship and what is not. Indeed we have to learn to respect other's boundaries, it's so sooo important for healthy relationships.
I hope that you will find good tools to help you. You are on the good path :) keep going ! Full support from France 🤗
Adult children of emotionally unavailable parents is a great book. From my experience, it will help you understand the WHY in your behaviors, which can help give yourself grace while you are going through this healing journey ❤
Thank you both for your recommendations and even more for your kind words! 🩵
I don’t remember the exact titles or authors and haven’t read them myself, but I think Heidi’s previously mentioned a book called “C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” and also the authors Pete Walker and (Tom? John?) Bradshaw!
Wow. This was incredibly insightful. I feel challenged but also a weight has lifted because I have more clarity. Thank you for sharing your expertise so generously.
This is a life saviour for me at the moment.
I cannot thank you enough to put this thorough, informed and very gentle explanation and steps.
Thank you Heidi. I want you to know that you are helping me a lot.
Less than 2 minutes in and I had this memory flashback of me being in kindergarten. My childhood best friend joined my class and I wanted to show him around and was basically glued until he got very annoyed at my hovering. And when a new kid became his best friend years later, it crushed me. Slowly seeing that kid come around more and more (that childhood best friend and I lived directly across the street from each other)
In my experience, this also applies to platonic relationships. I've had multiple experiences in which I lost a good friend and or ruined a developing friendship by being too clingy and asking for reassurance from the people I wanted to be friends with instead of taking my distance at the moments when it seemed like there was a lot at stake.. To be honest. I even feel like I have this anxious experience more with friendships.
Whereas with romantic relationships (even though I AM heavily dependent on someone) I tend to trick myself into thinking that I am very independent from them and as a result unconsciously give off the message that I do not care about them.
You rather them think you don’t love them then they not love you cause you love too much to the point it turns them off. They start questioning you as a man. on the inside just that kid who’s mother neglected him after the age of 7 when she fell
Into deep depression. It’s like I’m still searching for what’s lacking. Truly i just want to be loved.
This video was so much better than all the other relationship/attachment figureheads that I was recommended. I feel like there’s this overwhelming sense to other content creators to be “detached” or just focus on accommodating attachment styles but this was presented in a way that I truly felt like I was learning rather than taking notes on “what to say and do,” which felt so unauthentic to who I am. I don’t want to simply memorize words or try to plug and play to fit my specific scenario(s) but truly learn about attachment in a way that allows me to take the emotion out of it. Just a long-winded way of saying that I really enjoy your presentation of these topics and don’t have overwhelming feelings that make the content hard to digest.
Where is my butt? Tears were streaming down my face until that belly laugh inducing and wise activity. Thank you for it all.
I now legit ask myself this and even have said it out loud and my husband is like, 'What?' 🤣
I cannot thank you enough for these videos.
Thank you for this video. I’m extremely anxiously attached and this has really helped me. I think it’s not only just my partner I’m like this with, but parents and others I’m close to too. ❤
Hey i dont really post comments...
But just by hearing u explaining eased my heavy heart and anxiety.
Thanks for helping people like us who can't pay for therapy.
May God bless you
im trying to rebuild things with my avoidant leaning ex. this and all your videos have been so helpful in actually safely finding a way to the center. working on being able to handle that space instead of diving in too hard and ruining things is so important for this process. thank you so much
i‘m curious, are you anxiously attached? me and my partner broke up after weeks of on and off and it’s so hard to accept that it does not work. under which circumstances do you see a real chance for you both to get together again?
This is a bit of an old video so I’m not sure if you’ll see this comment, but for some reason, this particular video is immediately calming for my triggered anxiety state. Whether it’s the way you speak or laid out all the information, it just calmed me down entirely.
I actually just watched and had that same feeling. I have watched other videos on this and also talked with therapists but for some reason this one hit different.
Heidi, you’re a life-changer! Thank you for putting out these absolutely invaluable videos for free ❤
This is EXACTLY what i I needed to hear. Thank you. Never realised I had this attachment style until very recently. Mind blowing.