I appreciate seeing these things in writing, so in case this helps anyone else I'm sharing. In Secure Relationships: 1. We offer people the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes and support them emotionally through that process 2. We give love by giving people accurate feedback about how we feel in connection with them 3. We're honest about the ways we differ from the other person and ideally learn through those differences 4. We use conflict and disconnection as opportunities to reconnect to our self and to build long-term intimacy through an awareness of each other's boundaries and differences 5. We give people the opportunity to rise to the occasion of loving us in a way that preserves our dignity as well as theirs
You're truly a blessing, i like watching these videos when I am cleaning but i love the idea of rewatching the videos a few times and taking notes to remember and practice and this helps !
Self abandoning is me all over. I over invest and try to cater in order to prevent them from wanting to leave and in the process I lose myself, I lose that which attracted them in the first place because I become someone else. I’m 36 and I just figured this out yesterday.
Thank you for sharing. Don’t feel bad, I’m 53 and I just realized, in the last 5 minutes, this concept of self abandoning… I’ve done, my entire adulthood! We’re here to learn from our mistakes and move forward properly! I wish you the best!
@@joshuavanscoyk9404 thank you brother. It takes time and it takes constant work. The first step is awareness. We can’t be held accountable for that which we are oblivious to as Peter Crone says, and you must be self aware on some level because you are here watching these videos. All the best on your journey!
I’ve been avoiding this video all day because I know it’s what I need to hear. I struggle with codependency so badly with my mom. She has had cancer my whole life and I’ve always been anxious about losing her. I try to make every moment perfect since I’m afraid it’ll be our last time together. We have some good bonding moments, but she also guilt-trips me a lot and is very emotionally immature. I feel like I’m her mother and even her therapist. I feel horrible around her sometimes, but whenever we spend time apart I have panic attacks or feel so guilty for enjoying life without her. It’s a miserable way to live and I’m honestly just pushing through everyday waiting for life to happen for me. Your videos have been super helpful and encouraged me to face a lot of my issues instead of sleeping and daydreaming my life away. 🖤 It’s hard. I’m grateful for your support.
I can relate a lot to the things you experience. I've also been in a similar situation with my dad who was an alcoholic. I can only guess it's the same for you that when you are with or without them, you live in a state of mind that you're ready for them to pass away at any moment. My dad passed away end of 2021. It was honestly like a blessing in disguise because he and the situation were getting worse. So even if that was the moment I could start living my life and be responsible for my own life, It was like I was thrown 10+ years back emotionally. Because I had to learn things I've never really had a full experiences of or missed out on. I'm still struggling with them today and feel stuck. I still feel like a child sometimes despite having been like a parent to my own parent. I turn 30 in a month. I'm sharing this in the hopes you won't feel so alone in it, and i guess more like a heads-up. That when the time is there and your mother is gone, that you might experience the same. So all I can hope for is that you surround yourself with good people that are there to support you. Enjoy your life even if you are apart.
I’ll take responsibility. I won’t say I was THE problem, but I was part of it. I lied to protect her feelings a ton, and that created a vibe that me doing all the emotional labor was us “working things out”.
You don't necessarily do double the work and anticipate the other's needs because you believe they lack the skills or emotional maturity. You do it because you believe you owe it to them. You see no flaw in them, you just believe that if you don't prove over and over again that you can provide for them and make everything in your shared life, as fluide and nice as you possibly can, they will see you as unworthy of love, as you have been trained to believe you are.
Courageous truth teller, that's what you are! I came to a similar conclusion for the cluster of motivations that drive my own codependent relationships. I had a highly narcissistic mother who had no problem letting me believe I was worthless and obligated. Thank you for being so honest.
@@jeannined7532 I also come from a mother who has NPD and i was the scapegoated one in the family system. She did and still does do everything she can to brake any self esteem down, any self allyship and any self advocacy are punished. It leaves a lot that needs to be healed and cared for in the people who were raised by the toxic narcissists ( i have heard that not all people with NPD are toxic, my mother is). The scars that type pf people leave in their kids are brutal to deal with and we must come to terms with how bad it was and work hard to rebuild ourselves. Anything that is shaming (like saying "you take responsibility for and anticipate other people's feelings because you think they are emotionally immature" can be damaging to our healing. I'm glad i am not alone in this. Thank you for commenting
I "see no flaw in them" bc my thought distortion is that they are infallible, but that is impossible bc as humans we are inherently flawed! And God forbid I don't protect them from their own consequences, bc those consequences become mine when they turn their anger and rage about their own shortcomings toward me.
This video just changed everything for me. The part about trying to be the same as somebody you’re dating has been an insane blindspot for me and it explains much. Thank you.
"Don't erase yourself." An excellent summation of this video. I found myself sitting down and writing out 3 pages of notes on this video, exploring my own missteps in relationships, and where these behaviors originated. Being able to break those things down is helping my acknowledge and process some childhood traumas. Thank you for all your work. :)
Thank you for writing that - it’s so clear. Don’t erase yourself. I have been in a relationship where it seems like how I think or feel is labeled crazy or obsessive or irrational or whatever, that needs or wants as a man are foolish or not important, and over time, my own self is getting broken down to try to appease or please the other person, or so that they have more power over me. I am good, I am worthy, I am valuable, I have great potential , and I like myself. I am practicing standing up more and more and saying how I feel rather than covering it up. As a kid, the programming or modeling was to suppress your feelings, to not say how you feel or rock the boat, suck up stress or bad situations, and just be nice to everybody. The problem is then what you want is never valued or respected and you don’t feel close to anyone. In another of her videos, I wrote down a quote where she said : “there is never a route to intimacy that includes self-abandonment or people pleasing .”
List @19:50 1) the belief that when you love someone it’s your job to save them from the consequences of their own actions 2) the belief that it’s unkind to express your anger or discontent with someone who has unintentionally hurt you 3) the belief that closeness is being the same as someone else (emphasizing similarities and hiding your dissimilarities) 4) the belief that falling out of connection with someone in any given moment is an emergency that needs to be immediately solved in order for you to remain close. 5) the belief that love means anticipating other people’s limits, and not expecting anything more of them. (Give the other the opportunity to rise to the occasion and work together as equals and as a team)
I think this starts even younger. As a child, in order to keep myself safe, I learned to protect my parents from their bad choices. Co-dependency infects us at a very early age and affects us as adults.
Recently learned that codependent adult behaviors often directly map back to internalized childhood enmeshment trauma. Has put a lot of my life into an entirely new perspective.
As an anxiously attached person working to heal, I recently stopped myself mid-people pleasing by being honest with my best friend and telling her I didn't want her to come with me on my birthday trip to Europe. The reason I don't want her to come is because I feel like we are on different healing paths, and when I try to explain concepts to her like anxious attachment and limerence, she gets defensive. I struggled so much feeling terrible after I told her I didn't want her to join me on my trip. I kept telling myself "other people's thoughts and feelings are not my responsibility" and that helped. I think me feeling so bad about it (like unable to sleep well for a few days, terrible feeling in my stomach) is a symptom of my codependency and anxious attachment, and I feel like she might be codependent as well - she has repeatedly emphasized in the past that we are BFFs for life, I'm her sister, etc. That feels like a lot of weight to bear, especially when it's just natural for people grow apart sometimes. I felt (and still kind of feel) like I am responsible for her. Anyway, I'm glad that I was honest with her. Thank you for your videos Heidi, I love watching your subscriber count increase because more of the world needs to hear your wisdom
It feels very uncomfortable when we for once start to do things that we want to do, to make US happy. The reason is that for years we were doing the things to make others happy. It is pretty uncomfortable feeling. You did great. I tell people that traveling together kills friendships. I like to travel solo, and I would need to know that the other person is even remotely a candidate for traveling with them. I can be ok with them being at a distance, but I don't want them with me 24/7. My friends want to travel with me too, but I am not far enough in my healing journey, and getting rid of codependency yet, to be able to enjoy other people during my travels, and cater to my needs at the same time. Enjoy your birthday trip, and next time keep your travels a secret, so they don't guilt trip you about it.
Best friends are not always forever, or the friendship sometimes changes. I had also a best friend, we went through some rough experiences and we came being different through those experiences, and now is not like I have resentment of her or anything but we just can´t connect like we used to. Before we were like in sintony, and now we just can´t find that common frequence anymore.
I had this aha moment few weeks ago. I saw myself trying to love people into loving me. I had to set hard boundaries on myself. At first it feels like you’re a bad person, but when you take a step back and get some clarity you see the wisdom in patience.
Just came across this video and have listened halfway so far. I only recently learnt about co-dependency and unfortunately it describes me. I can't believe none of the therapists I've been to over the years have ever told me about it. I'm 53 already! Also disappointed in myself that I didn't pick up on it myself. It would've saved me alot of distress. Thank you for enlightening me.
I share your sentiment, same age as you and no yes, it is upsetting we got this far uninformed. However, we are now on a better trajectory and our new path will lead us towards a healthier outcome.
Codependency is such a misunderstood and stigmatized term. I know I felt so incredibly heard when my therapist finally succeeded in pushing me towards my first CODA 12 step meeting. This video is awesome.
Thank you. I rejected the idea i could be codependent in my relationship of 5 yrs that just ended. I thought it meant you couldnt live without the person and constantly seeking their validation, but you helped me understand it and realise how much i am codependent. I am 23 and grateful for so many valuable videos on youtube to break generational patterns early on in my life
Love this! "Relationships are a venn diagram, not a circle" is such a good visual. This puts into words my own experience with a long term relationship, where it felt like we're both represented by a "bubble", but instead of our bubbles intersecting, his bubble simply swallowed mine whole and mine disappeared. Now I have a great one-liner that explains it perfectly, thank you.
Swooping in to clean up the mess also robs the person of the confidence and sense of self-sufficiency, cleaning up your own mess brings. If you're never allowed the satisfaction of saving ourselves, how do we learn how and have confidence in our own ability to take care of ourselves. I was cast into torturous, crippling anxiety eventually. Or not only watching someone suffer is hard, but more than that, with a Narcissistic parent they rush in to fix it because of how trouble reflects upon the person due to how it might "look to the neighbors". Not for the kid's benefit. Mine were masters at then blaming me for not fixing myself.... I had to get rid of them and learn real quick how to ADULT @ 57. BUT I DID IT AND I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF now. Thanks,, Heidi ❤
So true!! Good for you!! I let go physically years ago but dealing with the same exact panic disorder my mom had. I’m realizing this is my inner child desperately trying to hold on to part of her by acting like her. It’s not easy!!! Kudos to you!!!
Im realizing one of the ways insecure attachment shows up for me is, I have a really hard time with not internalizing incompatibility to mean that there is something wrong with me. And really pedastalizing the other person, that they’re all good, and I’m all bad. Glad I see it, but it’s still painful in those moments. AND, im surviving it. 💯
I've spent my adult life in solitude, aside from work, developing my talents, curiosities, emotional IQ, respect for myself and love for life Heidi. Consequently, I have learned to not out source my self esteem. I have earned what I've learned. There are 3 things that I will not beg for, money, sanctuary, nor will I ever beg for love. I will not force love to be sympathetic to cynicism or saddism. I love what you say about the harvest of honesty, and growing together through creative differences, however I feel that if my companion is harming me, willfully or not, that if I need to explain to them that they are being disrespectful, being psychicly vampiric, or emiting vibes that disturb me or if they lack grace in their movements I will walk away. I do not believe that natural attraction, authentic affection needs to be coached or corrected to encourage compatability. You and I either connect like red to a rose, or we seperate as the stars leave the dawn.
You’ve identified so many abnormal confrontational relationships and the continual push/pull strongholds that are so damaging…I’ve found one party always gives in bc the other party refuses to look at themselves/ refuses to see the truth. Respect you, love video.
Another 10 years worth of therapy. THANK YOU, HEIDI!!!! Exactly what I needed as my codependency has given me claustrophobia and it's been hard to live with it. Apparently, not being able to manage other people's emotions made me feel stuck and I started experiencing this in the outer world: if I can't control my environment, for instance in an enclosed space, I get out of control, I start panicking, I feel claustrophobic. If I can take my responsibility and let others have theirs, then I won't feel stuck anymore. Putting it out there if it helps others!
I am saving this. To hear 100 times atleast. This martyrdoms has been my life forever. I thought I am being the more sensible one, stable one, resourceful, intelligent one, helper, saint all for others.
Thank you girl!! I’m a psychotherapist myself, and I sooo appreciate how succinct you are with your videos. Thank you also for all your hard work to make them accessible and pleasant.
Heidi, ur knowledge and articulation is such a blessing. Thank you for whatever u've done and gone thru in ur life to get to this point to help others.
This video was exactly what I needed right now! I've been doing a lot of work on healing my codependent traits but sometimes it's harder for me to get the proper perspective on what I'm actually doing when the people that trigger those behaviors are especially close to me. Thank you so much for this!
I just don't really understand why I couldn't have found this when I was like in my twenties and just blindly repeating the same patterns over and over again thinking that "That's just how I am and one day I'll find someone that it'll work with". 😢. And then you think something's wrong with you
Yeah I feel the same. Realizing it now after I wasted 20 years of my life trying to make a marriage work, with a man who has continually disrespected and disregarded me the entire time has been devastating. Learning that all this time I have been devaluing myself in order to maintain a connection to a man who never even knew or loved me at all is just heartbreaking. It's all my own fault, because I chose to stay with someone who simply wasn't a good person. I stayed because I just knew I wasn't worth more, because of my childhood. I guess I have to learn to be thankful that I am learning this now. Hopefully I can learn to disconnect myself enough from this relationship that his betrayals will stop hurting me so deeply. Thank God for disassociate!
Wow, I love the idea of just communicating, like hey I feel the need to step in but I know it's not my matter to resolve so I'm going to just be here for ya as a sounding board, or something to that effect. Of course I'm going to re-listen to your specific words, order etc., that's a great way for this rescuer to proceed . Thanks
Two words for you - love you (not in a romantic form 😂 )! I am feeling the need to say this for some time now but I was a bit insecure / ashamed! Don’t know exactly why. Anyway I want to share with you my appreciation for all the great wisdom & knowledge you share with the world !!! You are a special human being Heidi!! Thank you!! ❤
Brilliant brilliant brilliant! You literally touched on everything in this video. I've heard a lot of people try to tackle this topic and they either miss the point completely or go in strange directions but you hit the nail on the head. Subscribed!!!!
Thank you for discussing the internal resistance I often encounter when trying to do the "right thing." This has been very difficult to overcome, and it often leaves me feeling extremely confused. This awareness is vital but often difficult to detect, especially when it's happening.
I just went thru this. I am so proud of myself because according to this video, I (eventually) did what needed to be done 🎉. That relationship is now part of a previous chapter but listening to you, I can see where it went wrong 😊
😊Heidi!!! I wanted to express my gratitude for the incredible gift you have given me - the "tools" to become a better person. You have shared invaluable wisdom and insights that have inspired me to grow. You have taught me the importance of self-awareness, empathy, and continuous learning.I will carry the lessons you've taught me with me always, cherishing them as I continue to evolve into the best version of myself.🙏❤️
I totally agree. It is like her words just tumble out freely from the receeds of my mind and out of my heart. Meeting up with and validating all my gut feelings over the years, even those which I have chosen to dismiss. With the ultimate unfortunate consequences of course.
This is new information to me, and sheds light on things I knew might have been happening but didn't know what actually it was that was happening. Just found your channel. Thank you for your videos
I am so happy that I have rediscovered your channel. Your voice is encouraging and uplifting...that makes this stuff easier for me to listen to! Grateful for you and your work! 🧡
I don't know how to even start. The minute I am with someone I start loosing myself. It was happening all my life in romantic and work relationships. I got recently better with work relationship, but what I learned is to operate on the base of anger. When I am unhappy with something, I can get angry about internally, and advocate for myself. Where for years I would just stay quiet, because I was afraid to advocate and fight for myself. It is still exhausting to me, but eventually satisfying. I wouldn't want to be angry in my relationship. I am single, because I don't want to try anymore. I had zero examples how to be in a healthy relationship. Is is so foreign to me, that I don't even know how to start.😢
These are always so helpful. Thank you. I found myself drifting in and out of focus listening to this, because i feel a lot of accumulated pain in my body is because of my codepedant relationship to my family members. Thank you for sharing this information
My therapist would always say I had “codependent behaviors” but I really didn’t understand because I didn’t fully get what codependent meant. I get it now!!! Thank you!!!
1. Offer people the opportunity to learn from mistakes and offer emotional support in learning process. 2. Show love by giving people accurate feedback about how we feel about relationship. 3. Honest in ways we are different from other person and we learn and grow from the difference. 4. To reconnect to ourselves and build long term intimacy to build 5. Give people the opportunity to rising to occasion to love us in a way to preserve our dignity and theirs. We stay who we are and give opportunity for other person who they are. It requires neither person self abandoning and relationship built on honesty and mutual respect.
BLESS YOUR F SOUL 🙏🙏 going through a rough brakeup , I’ve always had codependency issues with my family that I never faced.. and here I am picking up the pieces begging for hope.. thank you !
I can't even articulate how helpful and relevant this video was. Between you and Thais (personal development school), the impact of your videos is huge. Just a shout out if you're just getting into these videos, you found a great instructor. Stick with it.
I think a very important disclaimer to this video is, these recommendations are applicable to those currently in a healthy, loving relationship. One in which you feel safe and trust the other person to be receptive to what you are sharing.
I've been watching a bunch of Heidi's videos to try and make sense of my most recent breakup. I definitely have an avoidant attachment style and had internalized all of these thought distortions while I was together with my partner. I feel like I betrayed them by not voicing my concerns and giving them a chance to grow to love me the way I need to be loved. I ended up breaking up with them because they consistently crossed boundaries and hurt my feelings. But whenever I felt negative emotionally, I would hide it from them so that they wouldn't feel bad. I didn't express displeasure with these actions because I knew they weren't malicious. I would hide parts of myself that I knew they wouldn't like, which was made even easier by the fact that we were long distance. I didn't use conflict productively and avoided it entirely. I broke up with them because I didn't believe in their ability to grow to suit my needs. I was also exhausted and didn't feel able to teach them. I was very out of touch with myself and my needs because of the thought distortion that my emotions are burdensome in relationships and drive people away from me. I know that I wasn't equipped to fix my relationship in the state I was in while we were together but I still feel an immense sense of guilt for what I've done. I know I've made a mistake but I don't know what to do about it. I am trying to learn to become a better person but it's hard to forgive myself. There are friends I could reach out to but they are all annoyed that I'm not over my ex after almost 5 months of being separated. I welcome any advice or resources that anyone may have that applies to my situation. Thank you Heidi for making these videos, they have been extremely informative and I feel like my experiences are represented in your content.
🎯 #Bingo Honesty, prevents a wasted decade of your life. Know Thy Self, Stand in your authenticity, Attract the right relationships into your world. Coming from a codependent family dynamic, these learned behaviours are can be unlearned. Life long work in progress #Learning #Growing #Living #Love #Respect #Gratitude
Every single point was so valuable and as I reflect now on my previous relationship that I could have implemented this and saved it… so powerful. Thank you for sharing
Video number two that I’ve watched. It is so wonderful to find out that there is a reason I have been that anxious one and all the reactions I have had as my man and I have changed and grown is normal for this way I’ve thought all my life, it’s so life giving because IT CAN CHANGE! Thank you SOOO much for doing these videos. It has been me my whole life, well, till this last 4 years and I’ve allowed the Lord to change me. This is just another pivot point of growth for me. Thank you
I feel much better hearing the part about allowing the other person to see where you are in a relationship and also about being feeling hurt even when it's about something you understand to not be about hurting you mattering
Thank you so much for your videos Heidi. You have been so helpful - are you able to do a video on how to connect to yourself, or creating an identity that feels more solid. If that makes sense
This is so HELPFUL!! It clearly illustrates next steps for me. I’m going to miss fully and lovingly but honestly come clean about a secret I’ve been holding for over a decade. I’ve been protecting my partner. Been ready to divorce bc something has been way off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’ve literally been making myself sick trying to get to be loving and caring toward him, but he’s getting g sick too, and worst of all, my kids are engaging in codependency. Everybody’s protecting everybody around here. Tough stuff. I need to know I’ll be ok if he can’t handle it, and that we both will be ok if he can.
Thank you for this video. I've struggled with all 5, although I've made progress. My situation right now is particularly hard with some of these because I'm in a marriage with a very avoidant person who is teetering on whether or not he wants to stay married and has been talking a lot about divorce. (I don't want to divorce and I'm fully invested in the relationship still) I've been doing #5 you talked about pretty badly lately especially. If it were just me I think I could tackle my own abandonment issues and act more secure and let him go if he decides to contribute to stay avoidant/neglectful and won't rise to the occasion. BUT, we have 3 kids and another unplanned baby on the way... and it's so hard for me to grapple with the possible reality of them losing their dad and me taking on the immense challenge of becoming a single parent. It feels like my kids having their dad in the home is hanging largely on me and how I interact with him right now, so I'm doing everything I can to better myself and meet his needs while expecting little from him. I know I'm having some codependent thoughts and behaviors with this all. 😞 Very rarely have I come across these types self-help attachment videos and had them address the complexity that is involved when romantic partners have children together. I wish more videos were made addressing these types of issues (attachment, codependency, relationships, etc) when there are children and real life complexities surrounding marriage in the picture.
This hit hard, so much truthful about myself and how I had enable their behavior to continue and I didn’t let them grow but it was all model too me from my parents relationship. Thank you for your content
1- No for myself… Yes for my Ex and my current spouse and their parents. I confronted my Ex on my concerns about her codependency with her parents and was told that their relationship would never change and I had to deal with it. 2- Yes 3- Yes and I feel it’s directly related to having a fawning response. 4- I want to say no but maybe yes based on the conversation around fawning. 5- Once again I want to say no but my fawning response type pushes the dynamic towards yes. This is a video that, once again, opens my mind to the things that I want to work on within myself to become a more true version of me for myself and those who I interact with. Your knowledge in these areas of self and relationships is far above my comprehension but you always know how to help us in so many ways. As always, thank you for being such an inspiration.
This is so spot on! Now if you could just get inside my head and scramble up my thinking to get the good stuff to rise to the top when I slip into these self-defeating thought patterns, that would be helpful! 🙂 58 and so stuck in my ways! 😞
To be honest, I noticed that I become codependent mostly when I see myself in other people and I just try to be for them the person that I always wished for myself. So when I see people struggling and in pain, and they don’t understand why, I just see my old self in them and I wish that I had someone in my life who would’ve said to me that i’m not a bad person, but just a person who’s hurting because I was abused in the past. I just struggled so much and I still have a lot of pain inside myself, so I just want others to not experience the same pain, or at least not to see themselves as bad and completely broken. But I know that unfortunately I can’t do the healing work for others. I just wish I had someone to be there for me when I was at my lowest point and tried to figure out why I behave and think the way I do, but I only had myself. So idk if that’s a really bad thing as long as I work on setting boundaries better, but maybe it is and I just can’t see it yet. (English isn’t my first language so i’m sorry if there’s any grammar mistakes)
You articulated that perfectly and I totally resonate. I think all that struggle, pain and hurt that we're seeing [projecting] and trying soothe in others is instead what we need to soothe in ourselves and our inner kids [who didn't have that] and trust that others are 'okay'
This is so overwhelming. This is me. I currently live with my 72 yr old father whom is immature and narcissistic. He is draining me with his problems and ailments that it has led me into anxiety and stress.
this is another video, that i have to watch quite a few times to digest it. i'm supposed to have an anxious strategy, and when i got hurt, most of the time i felt shame to tell the other person, because that may worsen our relationship.
Thanks, again you have exceeded my expectations on understanding relational concepts by explaining them in a clear, concise, easy to understand manner. When watching you role play, it is much easier to concieve putting some of these relational practices to work.
Helpful and insightful. Caveat, a lot of these videos express it's not your responsibility how how how someone feels after you say something to them... That's incorrect in some ways, as how a person behaves or acts towards you can have an impact or leave an impression. Concept can also give a person permission to justify to themselves mistreating others. Yes it's our responsibility to set healthy boundaries, but in the flow of life, awareness of our own projections and impact will help us become better at balancing authenticity and connection, whilst being our truest selves
Number 1 triggered me. My partner of 4 years left me while i was in the hospital bedridden from cancer, in extreme pain, and he told me "sorry, i can't do this. I wish you well". Be there with people in their pain, if they want you to help them, and you are in a relationship, help them.
My dad died when I was a baby, and my therapist says that this led to me ‘taking care’ of my mom (as she was understandably depressed) by being a good baby and good child. Does this sound codependent? I am somewhat worried that I don’t truly understand what a mother-daughter relationship should look like, or healthy relationships in general. I still feel the urge to swoop in and save my mom from her pain, even many years later.
I’ve definitely heard of codependent relationships where there is the “caretaker” and the “child” and both feel the need to take on this role naturally
LOVE hearing these things from a new perspective. I definitely am susceptible to co-dependency in my romantic relationships but have always heard advice in the form of 'these actions and thoughts aren't healthy for you'. The way you explain these thought distortions is so refreshing because even though I eventually got the idea in my head that my actions are also bad for myself, if I had thought about how my actions harmed my partner in terms of their ability to face their own consequences and be independent, etc, it definitely would have clicked faster. Most people with insecure attachment styles come from a place of caring for the other person in whatever relationship it is, unfortunately sometimes caring for them more than they care for themselves.
"What we are robbing them of is the opportunity to learn from their mistakes".. *sigh*.. Have you heard about trauma? (Yes, I know you have.) So let's just leave people with PTSD, for example, to figure it out on their own how to function again. And someone who can't walk, let's leave them just to figure out how to walk, shall we. How can you expect someone to be "responsible for their mistakes", let alone learn from them, when it's typically something they hardly have any control over 🙄 and when the one thing that can make a true difference in someone's life is another person's caring, consistent presence and support. I'm happy to see that we as a society are finally starting to talk about trauma. I hope we'll evolve to the point where we stop blaming people for their trauma and the behaviors that stem from it (everything from procrastination to addiction and all other kinds of poor life choices).
I hear you. Compassion is important. I think the danger can be that being that presence for someone with trauma can sometimes be to the detriment of the support figure. My mum has always been my dad’s main emotional support figure but it’s to the point where it’s hard to tell where he ends and she begins at times. She’s always modifying and adjusting for him. I don’t know if she even knows what SHE likes anymore. I think a professional therapist is often the best person to hold their emotions working through their trauma because they can have some separation while being a secure, coregulating presence.
You can be there with love and caring for someone through difficulties and NOT engage in rescuing or fixing behavior. Protecting people from the pain of life is not loving, it’s condescending. Codependent caretaking is manipulation and control masquerading as loving kindness.
One major issue is that these problems almost always stem from something someone is unwilling to see/fix, because it’s too dangerous for them to face for one of many reasons. Abusive behavior, or conditioned responses, or self-esteem issues, or outside threats, etc. If someone is unable to see the actual problem because of something like this, you’ll never be able to get them to see it. You’ll just get attacked, or ignored. That assumes you’re even able to see the actual problem, and it isn’t just your imagination. Near as I can tell, the best way is to mind your own boundaries and set actual expectations based on what you need. And let them fail if they’re going to fail, and succeed if they’re going to succeed. Co-dependency is abandoning what you actually need in order to let them ‘succeed’ enough to not break the relationship. It’s giving them something they didn’t truly earn.
I agree! “Tough love destroyed me”! And I am a pretty independent person but ctpsd, neurodivergent, widowed & 3 kids and I was functioning till about 2021 then in 2022 went through a Thyroid Storm from Covid and was recovering from long-term covid and could barely walk. I got lectures from people on mental health bc my house got to hoarder level. I wasn’t depressed before the thyroid storm. I do have some anxiety. I got some help but wasn’t the help I needed & made things worse in so many ways!!! And people did seem to give up on me. Several times I heard how I needed to help myself. My one brother who could have been a very good asset at the time is a recovering codependent w/ strict boundaries & very textbook. It made things worse!!! I knew these people cared about me but they didn’t help me & in 2024 I still have things undone from 2022 and can’t ask anyone for help bc I dont have anyone I feel comfortable asking. And they played the “she has to learn to ask for help” game. My best friend that always knew how to help or understood died & it made me grieve her & my husband on such a deeper Level!!!
@@jlm3195 that sounds so tough, sorry to hear you've been dealing with all of this! Yeah the advice to be independent and set boundaries (aka neglect other people just so you don't sacrifice a bit of your own pleasure) works ok when everyone is young and healthy. Humans always lived in communities and supported each other within those communities, looking after the old and the sick. And now this is supposedly "codependency" and "being needy."
The first one about "saving people" also has an interesting dynamic with some toxic coworkers constantly feeling the need to "save" their coworkers in a patronizing leverage of power - undoubtedly learned form their childhood, perhaps for both the oppressor and the greatest victims.
Heidi, you pack so much value into each of these videos. The one pain point I have is that there’s so little time between your sentences to process what you’ve said. Rewinding entails listening to half a thought and determining where one begins and ends because there is never any space between them. Then I try to pause the video so I can absorb it, but I end up cutting off what you say next. It’s really, really frustrating because I want so badly to absorb and understand what you say. Sometimes I just want to hear a sentence by itself and it’s near impossible to isolate one. Your pace is fine, I just want to hear this unedited so the natural pauses are left in, so that the importance of each statement can be fully felt.
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
I appreciate seeing these things in writing, so in case this helps anyone else I'm sharing.
In Secure Relationships:
1. We offer people the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes and support them emotionally through that process
2. We give love by giving people accurate feedback about how we feel in connection with them
3. We're honest about the ways we differ from the other person and ideally learn through those differences
4. We use conflict and disconnection as opportunities to reconnect to our self and to build long-term intimacy through an awareness of each other's boundaries and differences
5. We give people the opportunity to rise to the occasion of loving us in a way that preserves our dignity as well as theirs
You're truly a blessing, i like watching these videos when I am cleaning but i love the idea of rewatching the videos a few times and taking notes to remember and practice and this helps !
Me too. Thanks for doing this.
Holy fk the first one
Reading this is so helpful and I understand it better so thank you friend!
Thanks🍁
Self abandoning is me all over. I over invest and try to cater in order to prevent them from wanting to leave and in the process I lose myself, I lose that which attracted them in the first place because I become someone else. I’m 36 and I just figured this out yesterday.
Thank you for sharing. Don’t feel bad, I’m 53 and I just realized, in the last 5 minutes, this concept of self abandoning… I’ve done, my entire adulthood! We’re here to learn from our mistakes and move forward properly! I wish you the best!
@@naticaleb123 thanks for the positive response and I wish you all the best on your journey.
God bless you brother keep fighting I’m trying to realize all this stuff!!
@@joshuavanscoyk9404 thank you brother. It takes time and it takes constant work. The first step is awareness. We can’t be held accountable for that which we are oblivious to as Peter Crone says, and you must be self aware on some level because you are here watching these videos. All the best on your journey!
I feeeeelll youuuuu… years go by and then I’m like… did I do anyyyything to benefit my life or did I just focus on fixing others
I’ve been avoiding this video all day because I know it’s what I need to hear. I struggle with codependency so badly with my mom. She has had cancer my whole life and I’ve always been anxious about losing her. I try to make every moment perfect since I’m afraid it’ll be our last time together. We have some good bonding moments, but she also guilt-trips me a lot and is very emotionally immature. I feel like I’m her mother and even her therapist. I feel horrible around her sometimes, but whenever we spend time apart I have panic attacks or feel so guilty for enjoying life without her. It’s a miserable way to live and I’m honestly just pushing through everyday waiting for life to happen for me. Your videos have been super helpful and encouraged me to face a lot of my issues instead of sleeping and daydreaming my life away. 🖤 It’s hard. I’m grateful for your support.
💖
I can relate a lot to the things you experience. I've also been in a similar situation with my dad who was an alcoholic. I can only guess it's the same for you that when you are with or without them, you live in a state of mind that you're ready for them to pass away at any moment. My dad passed away end of 2021. It was honestly like a blessing in disguise because he and the situation were getting worse. So even if that was the moment I could start living my life and be responsible for my own life, It was like I was thrown 10+ years back emotionally. Because I had to learn things I've never really had a full experiences of or missed out on. I'm still struggling with them today and feel stuck. I still feel like a child sometimes despite having been like a parent to my own parent. I turn 30 in a month. I'm sharing this in the hopes you won't feel so alone in it, and i guess more like a heads-up. That when the time is there and your mother is gone, that you might experience the same. So all I can hope for is that you surround yourself with good people that are there to support you. Enjoy your life even if you are apart.
You should look up the work of Dr. Gabor. Could be the health issues your mom has are related to these emotional patterns.
❤
“Give people the opportunity of loving us while preserving our dignity, as well as theirs”
Very well summarized, thank you.
I’ll take responsibility. I won’t say I was THE problem, but I was part of it. I lied to protect her feelings a ton, and that created a vibe that me doing all the emotional labor was us “working things out”.
You don't necessarily do double the work and anticipate the other's needs because you believe they lack the skills or emotional maturity. You do it because you believe you owe it to them. You see no flaw in them, you just believe that if you don't prove over and over again that you can provide for them and make everything in your shared life, as fluide and nice as you possibly can, they will see you as unworthy of love, as you have been trained to believe you are.
Courageous truth teller, that's what you are! I came to a similar conclusion for the cluster of motivations that drive my own codependent relationships. I had a highly narcissistic mother who had no problem letting me believe I was worthless and obligated. Thank you for being so honest.
@@jeannined7532 I also come from a mother who has NPD and i was the scapegoated one in the family system. She did and still does do everything she can to brake any self esteem down, any self allyship and any self advocacy are punished. It leaves a lot that needs to be healed and cared for in the people who were raised by the toxic narcissists ( i have heard that not all people with NPD are toxic, my mother is). The scars that type pf people leave in their kids are brutal to deal with and we must come to terms with how bad it was and work hard to rebuild ourselves. Anything that is shaming (like saying "you take responsibility for and anticipate other people's feelings because you think they are emotionally immature" can be damaging to our healing. I'm glad i am not alone in this. Thank you for commenting
I "see no flaw in them" bc my thought distortion is that they are infallible, but that is impossible bc as humans we are inherently flawed! And God forbid I don't protect them from their own consequences, bc those consequences become mine when they turn their anger and rage about their own shortcomings toward me.
This video just changed everything for me. The part about trying to be the same as somebody you’re dating has been an insane blindspot for me and it explains much. Thank you.
"Don't erase yourself."
An excellent summation of this video. I found myself sitting down and writing out 3 pages of notes on this video, exploring my own missteps in relationships, and where these behaviors originated. Being able to break those things down is helping my acknowledge and process some childhood traumas.
Thank you for all your work. :)
Thank you for writing that - it’s so clear. Don’t erase yourself.
I have been in a relationship where it seems like how I think or feel is labeled crazy or obsessive or irrational or whatever, that needs or wants as a man are foolish or not important, and over time, my own self is getting broken down to try to appease or please the other person, or so that they have more power over me.
I am good, I am worthy, I am valuable, I have great potential , and I like myself. I am practicing standing up more and more and saying how I feel rather than covering it up.
As a kid, the programming or modeling was to suppress your feelings, to not say how you feel or rock the boat, suck up stress or bad situations, and just be nice to everybody.
The problem is then what you want is never valued or respected and you don’t feel close to anyone.
In another of her videos, I wrote down a quote where she said : “there is never a route to intimacy that includes self-abandonment or people pleasing .”
Don’t erase yourself is exactly how I feel. Thanks for sharing! 🙏
List @19:50
1) the belief that when you love someone it’s your job to save them from the consequences of their own actions
2) the belief that it’s unkind to express your anger or discontent with someone who has unintentionally hurt you
3) the belief that closeness is being the same as someone else (emphasizing similarities and hiding your dissimilarities)
4) the belief that falling out of connection with someone in any given moment is an emergency that needs to be immediately solved in order for you to remain close.
5) the belief that love means anticipating other people’s limits, and not expecting anything more of them. (Give the other the opportunity to rise to the occasion and work together as equals and as a team)
Thank you so much! Appreciate this!
*inhales.... exhales* Maaaaaaaan
I think this starts even younger. As a child, in order to keep myself safe, I learned to protect my parents from their bad choices. Co-dependency infects us at a very early age and affects us as adults.
yes!!!!! it fucke me up so bad
Exactly!
Good thing we can change that now that we understand it.
Recently learned that codependent adult behaviors often directly map back to internalized childhood enmeshment trauma. Has put a lot of my life into an entirely new perspective.
As an anxiously attached person working to heal, I recently stopped myself mid-people pleasing by being honest with my best friend and telling her I didn't want her to come with me on my birthday trip to Europe. The reason I don't want her to come is because I feel like we are on different healing paths, and when I try to explain concepts to her like anxious attachment and limerence, she gets defensive. I struggled so much feeling terrible after I told her I didn't want her to join me on my trip. I kept telling myself "other people's thoughts and feelings are not my responsibility" and that helped. I think me feeling so bad about it (like unable to sleep well for a few days, terrible feeling in my stomach) is a symptom of my codependency and anxious attachment, and I feel like she might be codependent as well - she has repeatedly emphasized in the past that we are BFFs for life, I'm her sister, etc. That feels like a lot of weight to bear, especially when it's just natural for people grow apart sometimes. I felt (and still kind of feel) like I am responsible for her. Anyway, I'm glad that I was honest with her. Thank you for your videos Heidi, I love watching your subscriber count increase because more of the world needs to hear your wisdom
@klb1193 Thank you for sharing. I very much relate to your post...I hope you are super proud of yourself, I know I would be! 🧡
It feels very uncomfortable when we for once start to do things that we want to do, to make US happy. The reason is that for years we were doing the things to make others happy. It is pretty uncomfortable feeling. You did great. I tell people that traveling together kills friendships. I like to travel solo, and I would need to know that the other person is even remotely a candidate for traveling with them. I can be ok with them being at a distance, but I don't want them with me 24/7. My friends want to travel with me too, but I am not far enough in my healing journey, and getting rid of codependency yet, to be able to enjoy other people during my travels, and cater to my needs at the same time. Enjoy your birthday trip, and next time keep your travels a secret, so they don't guilt trip you about it.
Best friends are not always forever, or the friendship sometimes changes. I had also a best friend, we went through some rough experiences and we came being different through those experiences, and now is not like I have resentment of her or anything but we just can´t connect like we used to. Before we were like in sintony, and now we just can´t find that common frequence anymore.
@@barbarajones7522being uncomfortable is a sign of healing
are you co dependent with your mom?
I had this aha moment few weeks ago. I saw myself trying to love people into loving me. I had to set hard boundaries on myself. At first it feels like you’re a bad person, but when you take a step back and get some clarity you see the wisdom in patience.
Just came across this video and have listened halfway so far. I only recently learnt about co-dependency and unfortunately it describes me. I can't believe none of the therapists I've been to over the years have ever told me about it. I'm 53 already! Also disappointed in myself that I didn't pick up on it myself. It would've saved me alot of distress. Thank you for enlightening me.
A new beginning is here for you Linda, take it and enjoy everything it comes with.
I share your sentiment, same age as you and no yes, it is upsetting we got this far uninformed. However, we are now on a better trajectory and our new path will lead us towards a healthier outcome.
Codependency is such a misunderstood and stigmatized term. I know I felt so incredibly heard when my therapist finally succeeded in pushing me towards my first CODA 12 step meeting. This video is awesome.
Thank you. I rejected the idea i could be codependent in my relationship of 5 yrs that just ended. I thought it meant you couldnt live without the person and constantly seeking their validation, but you helped me understand it and realise how much i am codependent. I am 23 and grateful for so many valuable videos on youtube to break generational patterns early on in my life
Yay! You learned it early.
Conflict is necessary in the presence of emotional and analytical intimacy.
Relationships are a venn diagram, not a circle. ❤️
Love this! "Relationships are a venn diagram, not a circle" is such a good visual. This puts into words my own experience with a long term relationship, where it felt like we're both represented by a "bubble", but instead of our bubbles intersecting, his bubble simply swallowed mine whole and mine disappeared. Now I have a great one-liner that explains it perfectly, thank you.
Swooping in to clean up the mess also robs the person of the confidence and sense of self-sufficiency, cleaning up your own mess brings. If you're never allowed the satisfaction of saving ourselves, how do we learn how and have confidence in our own ability to take care of ourselves. I was cast into torturous, crippling anxiety eventually.
Or not only watching someone suffer is hard, but more than that, with a Narcissistic parent they rush in to fix it because of how trouble reflects upon the person due to how it might "look to the neighbors". Not for the kid's benefit. Mine were masters at then blaming me for not fixing myself.... I had to get rid of them and learn real quick how to ADULT @ 57. BUT I DID IT AND I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF now. Thanks,, Heidi ❤
I really relate to your post. I am currently working on proving to myself that I can provide and take care of myself at 59! 🧡
I didn't have parents like yours, but I'm dealing with some very similar issues at 67.
So true!! Good for you!! I let go physically years ago but dealing with the same exact panic disorder my mom had. I’m realizing this is my inner child desperately trying to hold on to part of her by acting like her. It’s not easy!!! Kudos to you!!!
Im realizing one of the ways insecure attachment shows up for me is, I have a really hard time with not internalizing incompatibility to mean that there is something wrong with me. And really pedastalizing the other person, that they’re all good, and I’m all bad. Glad I see it, but it’s still painful in those moments. AND, im surviving it. 💯
I'm absolutely right there with you now girl. Not to mention everything I did wrong to not make it work in the first place
I struggle with this too, you’re not alone ❤ wishing you lots of healing on your journey
@@Gypsygal1024 thank you, to you too 🩷
I relate to that so much and I hate it
I did the same thing! I ended up forming forced relationships/friendships and not more natural ones
I've spent my adult life in solitude, aside from work, developing my talents, curiosities, emotional IQ, respect for myself and love for life Heidi. Consequently, I have learned to not out source my self esteem. I have earned what I've learned. There are 3 things that I will not beg for, money, sanctuary, nor will I ever beg for love. I will not force love to be sympathetic to cynicism or saddism. I love what you say about the harvest of honesty, and growing together through creative differences, however I feel that if my companion is harming me, willfully or not, that if I need to explain to them that they are being disrespectful, being psychicly vampiric, or emiting vibes that disturb me or if they lack grace in their movements I will walk away. I do not believe that natural attraction, authentic affection needs to be coached or corrected to encourage compatability. You and I either connect like red to a rose, or we seperate as the stars leave the dawn.
Huge YES to this
You are on fire lately! ❤🎉
You’ve identified so many abnormal confrontational relationships and the continual push/pull strongholds that are so damaging…I’ve found one party always gives in bc the other party refuses to look at themselves/ refuses to see the truth. Respect you, love video.
I appreciate your devotion to the precision of your language.
This really feels like free therapy for me right now! Thank you so much for this video! Much love from Germany ❤️
Another 10 years worth of therapy. THANK YOU, HEIDI!!!! Exactly what I needed as my codependency has given me claustrophobia and it's been hard to live with it. Apparently, not being able to manage other people's emotions made me feel stuck and I started experiencing this in the outer world: if I can't control my environment, for instance in an enclosed space, I get out of control, I start panicking, I feel claustrophobic.
If I can take my responsibility and let others have theirs, then I won't feel stuck anymore.
Putting it out there if it helps others!
I am saving this. To hear 100 times atleast. This martyrdoms has been my life forever. I thought I am being the more sensible one, stable one, resourceful, intelligent one, helper, saint all for others.
Yes, like a mother, an eternal source of unconditional, undying Love.
The last wheel on the chariot, as the expression goes in France.
You have changed my life SO much I genuinely cannot express how thankful I am for this channel
You truly are a gem
Thank you girl!! I’m a psychotherapist myself, and I sooo appreciate how succinct you are with your videos. Thank you also for all your hard work to make them accessible and pleasant.
Heidi, ur knowledge and articulation is such a blessing. Thank you for whatever u've done and gone thru in ur life to get to this point to help others.
This video was exactly what I needed right now! I've been doing a lot of work on healing my codependent traits but sometimes it's harder for me to get the proper perspective on what I'm actually doing when the people that trigger those behaviors are especially close to me. Thank you so much for this!
You are helping me get through disengagement from my narc parents so much! Thank You❤
Working on that as well. 2nd and probably last time…
@@Traumarecoverynow4ume too
This is literally me. It feels like you made this video for me. Had a tear come to my eye twice bc of how close to home this hit!! Thank you.
I just hope you never stop making videos. These are so healing for me and it feels like a drink of cool water to a thirsty soul.
I just don't really understand why I couldn't have found this when I was like in my twenties and just blindly repeating the same patterns over and over again thinking that "That's just how I am and one day I'll find someone that it'll work with". 😢. And then you think something's wrong with you
Me too
It didn’t exist yet 😂
Yeah I feel the same. Realizing it now after I wasted 20 years of my life trying to make a marriage work, with a man who has continually disrespected and disregarded me the entire time has been devastating. Learning that all this time I have been devaluing myself in order to maintain a connection to a man who never even knew or loved me at all is just heartbreaking. It's all my own fault, because I chose to stay with someone who simply wasn't a good person. I stayed because I just knew I wasn't worth more, because of my childhood. I guess I have to learn to be thankful that I am learning this now. Hopefully I can learn to disconnect myself enough from this relationship that his betrayals will stop hurting me so deeply. Thank God for disassociate!
Wow, I love the idea of just communicating, like hey I feel the need to step in but I know it's not my matter to resolve so I'm going to just be here for ya as a sounding board, or something to that effect. Of course I'm going to re-listen to your specific words, order etc., that's a great way for this rescuer to proceed . Thanks
This gave me the vocabulary to understand codependent behaviors more deeply
Two words for you - love you (not in a romantic form 😂 )!
I am feeling the need to say this for some time now but I was a bit insecure / ashamed! Don’t know exactly why.
Anyway I want to share with you my appreciation for all the great wisdom & knowledge you share with the world !!! You are a special human being Heidi!!
Thank you!! ❤
I wish I would've found your channel a few months ago. 😔 Thank you, what a great resource to everyone to have access to.
Brilliant brilliant brilliant! You literally touched on everything in this video. I've heard a lot of people try to tackle this topic and they either miss the point completely or go in strange directions but you hit the nail on the head. Subscribed!!!!
Thank you for discussing the internal resistance I often encounter when trying to do the "right thing." This has been very difficult to overcome, and it often leaves me feeling extremely confused. This awareness is vital but often difficult to detect, especially when it's happening.
You do a fantastic job Heidi with your videos!! So appreciate you! ❤
I just went thru this. I am so proud of myself because according to this video, I (eventually) did what needed to be done 🎉. That relationship is now part of a previous chapter but listening to you, I can see where it went wrong 😊
😊Heidi!!! I wanted to express my gratitude for the incredible gift you have given me - the "tools" to become a better person. You have shared invaluable wisdom and insights that have inspired me to grow. You have taught me the importance of self-awareness, empathy, and continuous learning.I will carry the lessons you've taught me with me always, cherishing them as I continue to evolve into the best version of myself.🙏❤️
This is the only channel I give a video a thumbs up before even starting to watch it since her content is just so consistently high quality 🙌❤️
I totally agree. It is like her words just tumble out freely from the receeds of my mind and out of my heart. Meeting up with and validating all my gut feelings over the years, even those which I have chosen to dismiss. With the ultimate unfortunate consequences of course.
This is new information to me, and sheds light on things I knew might have been happening but didn't know what actually it was that was happening. Just found your channel. Thank you for your videos
I am so happy that I have rediscovered your channel. Your voice is encouraging and uplifting...that makes this stuff easier for me to listen to! Grateful for you and your work! 🧡
I don't know how to even start. The minute I am with someone I start loosing myself. It was happening all my life in romantic and work relationships. I got recently better with work relationship, but what I learned is to operate on the base of anger. When I am unhappy with something, I can get angry about internally, and advocate for myself. Where for years I would just stay quiet, because I was afraid to advocate and fight for myself. It is still exhausting to me, but eventually satisfying. I wouldn't want to be angry in my relationship. I am single, because I don't want to try anymore. I had zero examples how to be in a healthy relationship. Is is so foreign to me, that I don't even know how to start.😢
Sorry its sad but one does loose them selves
These are always so helpful. Thank you. I found myself drifting in and out of focus listening to this, because i feel a lot of accumulated pain in my body is because of my codepedant relationship to my family members. Thank you for sharing this information
My therapist would always say I had “codependent behaviors” but I really didn’t understand because I didn’t fully get what codependent meant. I get it now!!! Thank you!!!
1. Offer people the opportunity to learn from mistakes and offer emotional support in learning process.
2. Show love by giving people accurate feedback about how we feel about relationship.
3. Honest in ways we are different from other person and we learn and grow from the difference.
4. To reconnect to ourselves and build long term intimacy to build
5. Give people the opportunity to rising to occasion to love us in a way to preserve our dignity and theirs. We stay who we are and give opportunity for other person who they are. It requires neither person self abandoning and relationship built on honesty and mutual respect.
BLESS YOUR F SOUL 🙏🙏 going through a rough brakeup , I’ve always had codependency issues with my family that I never faced.. and here I am picking up the pieces begging for hope.. thank you !
I can't even articulate how helpful and relevant this video was. Between you and Thais (personal development school), the impact of your videos is huge. Just a shout out if you're just getting into these videos, you found a great instructor. Stick with it.
I think a very important disclaimer to this video is, these recommendations are applicable to those currently in a healthy, loving relationship. One in which you feel safe and trust the other person to be receptive to what you are sharing.
Respect. Wisdom and clarity. Blessings from you and for you.
Thank you so much, Heidi! This is so helpful. Very well done and much appreciated. Love and light. 💕
I absolutely love your videos and really appreciate how clear, direct and informative they are. Thank you👍
I've been watching a bunch of Heidi's videos to try and make sense of my most recent breakup. I definitely have an avoidant attachment style and had internalized all of these thought distortions while I was together with my partner. I feel like I betrayed them by not voicing my concerns and giving them a chance to grow to love me the way I need to be loved. I ended up breaking up with them because they consistently crossed boundaries and hurt my feelings. But whenever I felt negative emotionally, I would hide it from them so that they wouldn't feel bad. I didn't express displeasure with these actions because I knew they weren't malicious. I would hide parts of myself that I knew they wouldn't like, which was made even easier by the fact that we were long distance. I didn't use conflict productively and avoided it entirely. I broke up with them because I didn't believe in their ability to grow to suit my needs. I was also exhausted and didn't feel able to teach them. I was very out of touch with myself and my needs because of the thought distortion that my emotions are burdensome in relationships and drive people away from me. I know that I wasn't equipped to fix my relationship in the state I was in while we were together but I still feel an immense sense of guilt for what I've done. I know I've made a mistake but I don't know what to do about it. I am trying to learn to become a better person but it's hard to forgive myself. There are friends I could reach out to but they are all annoyed that I'm not over my ex after almost 5 months of being separated. I welcome any advice or resources that anyone may have that applies to my situation.
Thank you Heidi for making these videos, they have been extremely informative and I feel like my experiences are represented in your content.
Heidi, this video was exactly what I needed! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Love this 🙌🏽
I thought I was secure again, but I'm not. BUT I'm almost there!!!
🎯 #Bingo Honesty, prevents a wasted decade of your life. Know Thy Self, Stand in your authenticity, Attract the right relationships into your world. Coming from a codependent family dynamic, these learned behaviours are can be unlearned. Life long work in progress #Learning #Growing #Living #Love #Respect #Gratitude
Right when I was just about to sleep 😂 thank you for this!
I’ve watched this video like 5x and it’s only after doing the work that I finally get what she’s saying!
Every single point was so valuable and as I reflect now on my previous relationship that I could have implemented this and saved it… so powerful. Thank you for sharing
Loved this! Beautifully presented, and calming/ inspiring to hear it spoken through. Really appreciate you!
Video number two that I’ve watched. It is so wonderful to find out that there is a reason I have been that anxious one and all the reactions I have had as my man and I have changed and grown is normal for this way I’ve thought all my life, it’s so life giving because IT CAN CHANGE! Thank you SOOO much for doing these videos. It has been me my whole life, well, till this last 4 years and I’ve allowed the Lord to change me. This is just another pivot point of growth for me. Thank you
I feel much better hearing the part about allowing the other person to see where you are in a relationship and also about being feeling hurt even when it's about something you understand to not be about hurting you mattering
Thank you so much for your videos Heidi. You have been so helpful - are you able to do a video on how to connect to yourself, or creating an identity that feels more solid. If that makes sense
Yes… this is a great suggestion. I need this too😊
This is so HELPFUL!! It clearly illustrates next steps for me. I’m going to miss fully and lovingly but honestly come clean about a secret I’ve been holding for over a decade. I’ve been protecting my partner. Been ready to divorce bc something has been way off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’ve literally been making myself sick trying to get to be loving and caring toward him, but he’s getting g sick too, and worst of all, my kids are engaging in codependency. Everybody’s protecting everybody around here. Tough stuff. I need to know I’ll be ok if he can’t handle it, and that we both will be ok if he can.
Thank you for this video. I've struggled with all 5, although I've made progress. My situation right now is particularly hard with some of these because I'm in a marriage with a very avoidant person who is teetering on whether or not he wants to stay married and has been talking a lot about divorce. (I don't want to divorce and I'm fully invested in the relationship still) I've been doing #5 you talked about pretty badly lately especially. If it were just me I think I could tackle my own abandonment issues and act more secure and let him go if he decides to contribute to stay avoidant/neglectful and won't rise to the occasion. BUT, we have 3 kids and another unplanned baby on the way... and it's so hard for me to grapple with the possible reality of them losing their dad and me taking on the immense challenge of becoming a single parent. It feels like my kids having their dad in the home is hanging largely on me and how I interact with him right now, so I'm doing everything I can to better myself and meet his needs while expecting little from him. I know I'm having some codependent thoughts and behaviors with this all. 😞 Very rarely have I come across these types self-help attachment videos and had them address the complexity that is involved when romantic partners have children together. I wish more videos were made addressing these types of issues (attachment, codependency, relationships, etc) when there are children and real life complexities surrounding marriage in the picture.
This hit hard, so much truthful about myself and how I had enable their behavior to continue and I didn’t let them grow but it was all model too me from my parents relationship. Thank you for your content
Heidi, all your videos are life-saving. Thank you.
Thank you my sister...your a gift from God
1- No for myself… Yes for my Ex and my current spouse and their parents. I confronted my Ex on my concerns about her codependency with her parents and was told that their relationship would never change and I had to deal with it.
2- Yes
3- Yes and I feel it’s directly related to having a fawning response.
4- I want to say no but maybe yes based on the conversation around fawning.
5- Once again I want to say no but my fawning response type pushes the dynamic towards yes.
This is a video that, once again, opens my mind to the things that I want to work on within myself to become a more true version of me for myself and those who I interact with.
Your knowledge in these areas of self and relationships is far above my comprehension but you always know how to help us in so many ways. As always, thank you for being such an inspiration.
This is so spot on! Now if you could just get inside my head and scramble up my thinking to get the good stuff to rise to the top when I slip into these self-defeating thought patterns, that would be helpful! 🙂 58 and so stuck in my ways! 😞
To be honest, I noticed that I become codependent mostly when I see myself in other people and I just try to be for them the person that I always wished for myself.
So when I see people struggling and in pain, and they don’t understand why, I just see my old self in them and I wish that I had someone in my life who would’ve said to me that i’m not a bad person, but just a person who’s hurting because I was abused in the past.
I just struggled so much and I still have a lot of pain inside myself, so I just want others to not experience the same pain, or at least not to see themselves as bad and completely broken.
But I know that unfortunately I can’t do the healing work for others.
I just wish I had someone to be there for me when I was at my lowest point and tried to figure out why I behave and think the way I do, but I only had myself. So idk if that’s a really bad thing as long as I work on setting boundaries better, but maybe it is and I just can’t see it yet.
(English isn’t my first language so i’m sorry if there’s any grammar mistakes)
You articulated that perfectly and I totally resonate. I think all that struggle, pain and hurt that we're seeing [projecting] and trying soothe in others is instead what we need to soothe in ourselves and our inner kids [who didn't have that] and trust that others are 'okay'
english is wonderful
Oh Heidi this is absolutely 1,000% perfect and very helpful information. Thank you for offering this to help all of us. 💐💐💛
and what a warped reality it was! Thank you Heidi
Heidi🎉...love you . I'm an AP. I am excited about my journey to secure and this helps a lot
This is so overwhelming. This is me. I currently live with my 72 yr old father whom is immature and narcissistic. He is draining me with his problems and ailments that it has led me into anxiety and stress.
Yup. Great to know I've already done some work on this, but also good to recognise there's more to do.
This content is so thought provoking and informative. I appreciate you so much!
Ooh this one is getting to me deep (in a good way!). Great vid as always Heidi!
this is another video, that i have to watch quite a few times to digest it. i'm supposed to have an anxious strategy, and when i got hurt, most of the time i felt shame to tell the other person, because that may worsen our relationship.
Thanks, again you have exceeded my expectations on understanding relational concepts by explaining them in a clear, concise, easy to understand manner. When watching you role play, it is much easier to concieve putting some of these relational practices to work.
What is codependency vs enmeshment?
Helpful and insightful. Caveat, a lot of these videos express it's not your responsibility how how how someone feels after you say something to them... That's incorrect in some ways, as how a person behaves or acts towards you can have an impact or leave an impression. Concept can also give a person permission to justify to themselves mistreating others. Yes it's our responsibility to set healthy boundaries, but in the flow of life, awareness of our own projections and impact will help us become better at balancing authenticity and connection, whilst being our truest selves
A brilliant work as usual, Heidi!
Number 1 triggered me. My partner of 4 years left me while i was in the hospital bedridden from cancer, in extreme pain, and he told me "sorry, i can't do this. I wish you well". Be there with people in their pain, if they want you to help them, and you are in a relationship, help them.
Thanks!
You're awesome, this was SOOO needed.💕
My dad died when I was a baby, and my therapist says that this led to me ‘taking care’ of my mom (as she was understandably depressed) by being a good baby and good child. Does this sound codependent? I am somewhat worried that I don’t truly understand what a mother-daughter relationship should look like, or healthy relationships in general. I still feel the urge to swoop in and save my mom from her pain, even many years later.
Yes it does
I’ve definitely heard of codependent relationships where there is the “caretaker” and the “child” and both feel the need to take on this role naturally
LOVE hearing these things from a new perspective. I definitely am susceptible to co-dependency in my romantic relationships but have always heard advice in the form of 'these actions and thoughts aren't healthy for you'. The way you explain these thought distortions is so refreshing because even though I eventually got the idea in my head that my actions are also bad for myself, if I had thought about how my actions harmed my partner in terms of their ability to face their own consequences and be independent, etc, it definitely would have clicked faster. Most people with insecure attachment styles come from a place of caring for the other person in whatever relationship it is, unfortunately sometimes caring for them more than they care for themselves.
Thank you. Very helpful. More younger people NEED TO LEARN THIS
50 and still learning
"What we are robbing them of is the opportunity to learn from their mistakes".. *sigh*.. Have you heard about trauma? (Yes, I know you have.) So let's just leave people with PTSD, for example, to figure it out on their own how to function again. And someone who can't walk, let's leave them just to figure out how to walk, shall we.
How can you expect someone to be "responsible for their mistakes", let alone learn from them, when it's typically something they hardly have any control over 🙄 and when the one thing that can make a true difference in someone's life is another person's caring, consistent presence and support.
I'm happy to see that we as a society are finally starting to talk about trauma. I hope we'll evolve to the point where we stop blaming people for their trauma and the behaviors that stem from it (everything from procrastination to addiction and all other kinds of poor life choices).
I hear you. Compassion is important. I think the danger can be that being that presence for someone with trauma can sometimes be to the detriment of the support figure. My mum has always been my dad’s main emotional support figure but it’s to the point where it’s hard to tell where he ends and she begins at times. She’s always modifying and adjusting for him. I don’t know if she even knows what SHE likes anymore. I think a professional therapist is often the best person to hold their emotions working through their trauma because they can have some separation while being a secure, coregulating presence.
You can be there with love and caring for someone through difficulties and NOT engage in rescuing or fixing behavior. Protecting people from the pain of life is not loving, it’s condescending. Codependent caretaking is manipulation and control masquerading as loving kindness.
One major issue is that these problems almost always stem from something someone is unwilling to see/fix, because it’s too dangerous for them to face for one of many reasons. Abusive behavior, or conditioned responses, or self-esteem issues, or outside threats, etc.
If someone is unable to see the actual problem because of something like this, you’ll never be able to get them to see it. You’ll just get attacked, or ignored. That assumes you’re even able to see the actual problem, and it isn’t just your imagination.
Near as I can tell, the best way is to mind your own boundaries and set actual expectations based on what you need. And let them fail if they’re going to fail, and succeed if they’re going to succeed.
Co-dependency is abandoning what you actually need in order to let them ‘succeed’ enough to not break the relationship. It’s giving them something they didn’t truly earn.
I agree! “Tough love destroyed me”!
And I am a pretty independent person but ctpsd, neurodivergent, widowed & 3 kids and I was functioning till about 2021 then in 2022 went through a Thyroid Storm from Covid and was recovering from long-term covid and could barely walk.
I got lectures from people on mental health bc my house got to hoarder level. I wasn’t depressed before the thyroid storm. I do have some anxiety.
I got some help but wasn’t the help I needed & made things worse in so many ways!!!
And people did seem to give up on me.
Several times I heard how I needed to help myself. My one brother who could have been a very good asset at the time is a recovering codependent w/ strict boundaries & very textbook.
It made things worse!!! I knew these people cared about me but they didn’t help me & in 2024 I still have things undone from 2022 and can’t ask anyone for help bc I dont have anyone I feel comfortable asking.
And they played the “she has to learn to ask for help” game.
My best friend that always knew how to help or understood died & it made me grieve her & my husband on such a deeper
Level!!!
@@jlm3195 that sounds so tough, sorry to hear you've been dealing with all of this! Yeah the advice to be independent and set boundaries (aka neglect other people just so you don't sacrifice a bit of your own pleasure) works ok when everyone is young and healthy. Humans always lived in communities and supported each other within those communities, looking after the old and the sick. And now this is supposedly "codependency" and "being needy."
Entirely off topic, but the white light makes your eyes so bright. They look almost anime-esque. Anywho, thanks for the information, Heidi!
The first one about "saving people" also has an interesting dynamic with some toxic coworkers constantly feeling the need to "save" their coworkers in a patronizing leverage of power - undoubtedly learned form their childhood, perhaps for both the oppressor and the greatest victims.
Heidi, you pack so much value into each of these videos. The one pain point I have is that there’s so little time between your sentences to process what you’ve said. Rewinding entails listening to half a thought and determining where one begins and ends because there is never any space between them. Then I try to pause the video so I can absorb it, but I end up cutting off what you say next. It’s really, really frustrating because I want so badly to absorb and understand what you say. Sometimes I just want to hear a sentence by itself and it’s near impossible to isolate one. Your pace is fine, I just want to hear this unedited so the natural pauses are left in, so that the importance of each statement can be fully felt.
Try playing video at 0.75x speed. It helped for me
This is awesome! You have helped me so much with your videos. I love the way you break things down and explain them
Another 🎉 well explained teaching.
One of your best videos. Thanks so much
We love you too, Heidi!❤❤❤