How to Heal Your Attachment Wounds | Being Well Podcast, Dr. Diane Poole Heller
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- Опубликовано: 13 июн 2024
- Dr. @RickHanson and I focus on two of our most important subjects, attachment wounds and traumatic experiences, with a longtime therapist, trainer of therapists, and world-class expert on attachment theory: Dr. Diane Poole Heller.
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Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
2:30 What is attachment, and why should we care?
4:45 Secure attachment.
7:50 Avoidant attachment.
12:30 The potential for movement toward secure attachment.
16:00 Ambivalent (or anxious) attachment.
20:45 Disorganized attachment.
24:15 Somatic approaches to attachment wounds.
29:50 Allowing the body to move out of threat.
34:10 Secure attachment skills.
38:55 Repatterning ourselves.
47:20 Becoming more secure in connection.
50:30 Three questions to help calm relational activation.
55:45 A message to your younger self.
56:45 Recap
Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson
I just stumbled on this randomly. After watching the whole episode, I feel so deeply moved that I have to leave a comment to express my gratitude and say a big thank you to you the host, your dad and Dr. Diane Poole Heller.
Same here. So grateful. Dr. Diane Poole Heller has empowering effect on me.
@@mn9120 ❤😢😢❤😢❤😢❤😢❤😢❤😢❤😢❤😢❤😂
I accidentally clicked and typed that
I did the e same today !!
Accidentally clicked play ! I loved it from beginning to the end ..
thank you so much for such deep content .. resonated with me in so many levels 🙏🏻❤️
Same. I was just diagnosed with an attachment wound and I wanted to know more. This is so good!
Gay
I'm sitting now, watching the moon, the sky and the clouds, simply listening to this. Just feeling my heart pour tears. Thank you 💟
Hearing her talk about the full body hugs made me tear up. I’ve never had a relationship with anyone but my grandma (who passed three years ago) where I could hug them like that and know that it wouldn’t make them uncomfortable.
i love Diane. she’s very compassionate. this interview is much preferred than another interviewee, Jennie Rosier, you had on another episode about attachment. I found Jennie to be incredible rude and mocking of anxiously attached folks in her tone and calling them stage 10 clingers. Diane on the other hand was extremely compassionate, non judgmental, and helpful.
We need more of this self-help advice for when we can't access a GOOD therapist at all. (Location, time, or Money) Thank you very much 🙏
Play is severely underrated. This ya not teasing, but a genuine offer to feel good together with lots of smiling.
I love how you" listen" to each other veiws. Its validating and I don t "feel " anger coming from you guys.its shows you done inner work.Its possible for me too.
This is, by far, the most helpful and comforting video on healing attachment wounds. Trust the Hansons to bring you this completely relatable, compassionate and very deep information in their gentle, caring way! Dr Diane gives hope and light and practical solutions, whereas others have made it seem that attachment wounds cannot be healed, but should simply be accepted. Thank you for sharing your light.
Avoidant here, and HSP. I think it's worth noting that it's not only how we're treated but how we perceive or receive our treatment that highly impacts us. For example my extroverted sister naturally let things roll off her back that were traumatic to me. Not to blame me but just to get myself out of the habit of saying I was a victim of my parents' neglect. Sadly it's so often others' mistreatment that they're not even aware of that's going to really stick with us right? They might be oblivious to their devastating one-off comment, so what do we do with that? It isn't my "fault" for being too sensitive, and I'm not going to sit around waiting for a former child bully or adult teacher to come through and apologize or restore was lost; that's impossible anyway. It's more just that my style of personality interacted differently with their style of parenting, or their own wounds that we understand to be hurting people, hurting people. At that point I shift away from blame in order to deal with facts. And yes factually, objectively there was abuse and neglect. But also I have control over my stories that I tell based on my highly intuitive, introverted interactions with the world. It"s very liberating and empowering, as others who have explored the Victim versus Overcomer mentality have noted.
What is actually particularly painful and difficult here is these experiences are not filtered through adult awareness, as some parents seem to forget, but rather during those crucial, malleable formative years. Children don't come with stories or the tools to manage those types of trauma. They're just downloading bad software.
Thank God reboot is possible, or factory reset, whatever it would be called with that analogy.
Love this! Thank you.
I relate to your story, am also HSP who grew up in a family with abusive dynamics. What did you do to reboot the bad software. Even with awareness, I still get strong bouts of anxiety and beating myself up and having real low levels of self worth.
I find commiting to self care ie good diet, exercise and most importantly mindfulness and meditation really help to re wire. I fall back into old patterns but accept that's life. The most important is to get up and keep going. That's also life 😊
@@louise6943 yoga nidra non sleep deep rest
@@louise6943 Not trying to be negative but there is no "reboot", only ways to cope, reframe, endure, or just hang in there, accept that the past matters and you can never have a better one, and keep trying. I've tried for too long to find that magic reboot but it doesn't exist. Great podcast and I reallylike Dr. Poole. She has an understanding of the complexity of these things and doesn't dumb it down
I’ve found what works for me is practicing Awareness, acceptance, compassion, love and understanding for myself and others.
This cleared something for me.
I already knew that I have been traumatized by my unpredictable, and angry, not grown up, needy mother. And I knew that I get retraunatized by my unpredictable, mean husband.
But now I realized that I often used to fall for unavailable men that were really kind and had high ethic Standards, so I was sure I had no chance of getting in danger of a real relationship... On the other side, If someone liked me, I never felt anything for them, as soon as someone expressed interest for me, they were dull and I lost all interest.
Da-dumm
Just checking in to make sure I didn’t type this comment, bc what? Unavailable and with high ethic standards? And feeling uninterested when someone liked me (because I didn’t choose them) and giving only a little attention is definitely my toxic trait 😭
I was looking for security. I was also pretty sheltered growing up so it was nice meeting someone that made me feel secure and knew more than me.
Please consider Dr Gabor Mate's trauma definition.
To not have emotional needs met is trauma too.
For example, if a patient needed a blood transfusion, pain meds, a treatment of some sort...while not giving them what they need, wouldn't be directly "harming" them, our inaction is harmful.
Emotional neglect is often experienced as trauma (as per Dr Gabor Mate's work). Please consider this, expand your narrative of "trauma".
Yes, I hear you, we need to find connection and attunement this is emotional
Something that should have happened but didn't happen, or something that was not supposed to happen but happened.
I was going to make the same comment! It’s an amazing podcast but the expansion of the word trauma is needed
I don't recollect hearing the word neglect, or Emotional Neglect, now that you mention it! Listening again. That's easy because the tone of this video is a warm, comfy place to be. Happy Healing, y'all.
Loved this thank you! I heard you mention your parents were busy and not emotionally nurturing and then i heard you say you didnt experience trauma. I just wanted to mention that not getting your emotional needs met and having parents that are too busy, is a form of trauma 🙏💕
Indeed. As parents we are even aware of emotional needs. Our education could benefit from an overhaul. 😢
Everything that is not smooth sailing can be labeled trauma.
Not the best way to use this word, if a well-lived dynamic life is the goal. ^^
@@elektrotehnik94 "trauma is not what happens to us but what happens inside of us as a result of the trauma"-Gabor Mate
Absolutely, not getting ones emotional needs met as a child can be a trauma.
@@elektrotehnik94 or maybe you devalue the human experience to the extent that you are not fully connected to what it means or it's importance
Stop telling people that they’re traumatized if they’re not. Not every adverse experience is a form of trauma. Negative doesn’t equal traumatic. The word “trauma” has become so diluted that it barely means anything anymore
I definitely grew up with fear of abandonment. Started with my parents fighting and the fear that my mom would leave me behind to stay with my dad. I was very attached to my mom. My dad was at times verbally abusive but because he grew up that way. He grew up in a toxic family and unfortunately, all the siblings had trauma that they brought into their adult lives. I feel like I have the same fears still now where I feel I can't trust someone and if I'm in a relationship I am in constant fear that the person will leave me for someone else. It's so hard to deal with this in my mind. I constantly have to tell myself, it's your mind playing tricks. Stop thinking this way. So at the moment, I am single.
i had a similar past and feel the same way 😫 its gotten easier to deal with jealousy and insecurity over time, but i still feel it because i still worry if its just my anxiety or my intuition (i think its anxiety bc no matter who im dating i always end up going back to these exact thoughts i realized) and something that helps is when i catch myself thinking those negative thoughts and tell myself this time i can think differently, its not fair to me to hold onto these negative feelings my past has taught me to feel now, so its not fair for me to try to control what i cant because that just drives me down the same hole again. affirmations and remembering at the end of the day that you are deserving of love and respect and alla that also helps when i rlly need to snap out of it and raise myself up again. ♡
Single is ok
I have a similar past and am single too.
My father is very abusive emotionally and physically and narcissistic at the same time my mom is very controlling, narcissistic, and avoidant 🗿
Exactly why I feel I have to be single even when I get to a point of healing. I get in a relationship and it’s like I’m back at square 1
Your summary at the end of the interview really speaks to the elephant in the room. We all need safety and security to be our best. Thank you!
Firstly, my deep gratitude to each of you for sparing the time to have this conversation in a public forum (for free!). There are some beautiful insights presented in easy to understand format. The questions you asked Dr Poole Heller at the end put me in mind of Campbell Walker's material around journalling - I often use the questions "What is the story I'm telling myself about this?" and "How would I comfort a friend if this was happening for them?" as journaling prompts to work through situations, people and things that trigger me. It would be lovely to see you interview him on your podcast - not because he has the caliber of some of the other guests, but because he has a practical, compassionate and irreverent approach. Love your work, thank you.
This showed up on my RUclips feed, wow, just beautiful, uplifting, insightful, healing,
Thank you.
I do alot of eye gazing with my dog, she taught me, and she had been very unwell, so again her gift to me, lots of presence, present moments, gratitude for her breath, engaging, her beauty her Companionship, I love her dearly, ( I was dissociatng regularly, numbing out, in fear, anxious,) now feeling more grounded, ease, dogs do heal us ...
This podcast was an answer to a prayer for answers to what my body was telling me. I knew something was brewing as the emotional and physical signs were growing daily. Early this morning I woke and felt to access uTube and this podcast was first on the list and was the key that was searching for. Perfect. I can’t thank you enough for your insightful wisdom. ❤❤❤
Such a helpful and healing talk. Thank you!!! My ex husband pointed out so many things about myself that was hurtful at the time he said them. Looking back, he was right 🤕. He wasn’t kind when he pointed these things out, nor was I kind to him or myself…too bad he gave up on our marriage after 20 years and refused to save our marriage. I was open to healing. I’m still healing and this talk has been incredible. Best to you all ❤
Peace to you as you walk through this Journey of healing🕊
I've now listened to this twice and watched it a third. So very helpful.
Thank you for helping clarify attachment issues. Love the gentle relaxed style of this podcast.
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Wow. 1st time watching a video from your channel and I appreciate the informative video (I didn't know much about attachment styles). Loved Diane. As soon as she came on, I couldn't help but smile. She's got a wonderfully safe vibe. And you 3 work well together. Great video 👏
I just adore Dr Poole- Heller her compassionate, generosity of sharing her knowledge is just incomparable the profession, humanity and the world is bettered for her being in it.
First time I’ve heard her today. Wow just so many Ah ha moments .. I’m having drama with my neighbour atm. My reaction and emotions have been extreme...maybe a chance to dig and heal bits.
So so helpful. Thank you for sharing. Just going thru a breakup with my beloved friend - because of dysregulation in both of us from our traumatic childhoods. I am thankful for your knowledge and know that running away when my survival mode is triggered by perceived critical judgmental tones and behaviors. If i could explain this to my friend who now has cut off the relationship that I am not rejecting him. Now at least I understand it and have moved on to a more loving relationship with myself. I realized if my partner doesnt understand this of me and cannot regulate himself to be able to listen to me - then perhaps it is a blessing he is now has no interest in me. Thank you so much for this video.
This podcast is amazing ❤ the dad/son combo is adorable and works so well, the guests are always lovely and down to earth, so good 😻
conversation of calm, psychologically healthy adults. one of the hardest to find things nowadays, thanks
I watched this video about 5 months ago. It was one of the most important to me healing. I am securely attached. Take a test an online one to keep track every month or so. You'd be surprised how anxious securely attached people are lol.
Good luck you got this. Don't rush it will work out just keep on swimming.
One of the most important pieces of content I've ever consumed. Incredibly thankful. Thank you so much.
Thank you Forest for another wonderful and heart-warming interview. I continue to struggle with avoidant attachment. In Dr. Diane’s words, “reactive autonomy” is the description that stands out to me the most that Dr. Diane discussed. Feelings of rejection and feeling unlovable paint my story when my attachment system is triggered. I often would be left in my room as a child to soothe myself and attempt to cope with the pain that came along with an experience of anger. In short, welcoming the “unwelcome”, in Dr. Diane’s words, helped me understand and befriend how to learn to love myself-I felt abandoned for a long time.
Thank you again Forest for your podcast and your willingness to discuss important topics in the field.
Me too, I was left to manage all my feelings alone and by the time I was about 10, I also was burdened with both my parents wounds from the other one.....I didn't believe I'd get out with any sanity at 18. ❤️
Thank you so much for this talk. Ever since I've found out about attachment issues and how they affected my relationship, I've been feeling mostly anger and futility, which has only made it worse. But this interview was so full of compassion and some basic human kindness, that it has really helped me to look at the bright side, and gain a hope that things can change, and there's a lot of what I can do to make it better.
Highlight simple joys and minimize struggles together
Thank you so much, Forrest you reframe and clarify so well, so helpful. I love that you have follow up videos with strategies. So great for people that perhaps can’t afford therapy or haven’t connected with a therapist for whatever reason. From past experiences, I cannot connect with a therapist that feels to me like a “distant, cold personality” or seems to lack empathy, or cannot remember my story from session to session. I am looking forward to rest of the series.
I’m more than grateful that I came across this video, I’ve been searching and determined to heal. Currently I’m self sabotaging an amazing relationship that has so much potential and to realize that it is me and has been met entire life has been so painful. But I believe I will heal and I’m determined to make it happen sooner than later. Thank you for the clarity & which questions to ask myself when going through an unsafe phase. Being anxiously attached is not who I want to be, through these videos and starting therapy just yesterday I am more than grateful to even have the opportunity to be aware and seek help. blessings to you all 🙏🏼
Forrest, I’ve been a “fan” of your father’s work for a number of years now, and I am thrilled that you do these podcasts with him. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 💞
Wow what a treat this episode is! Thank you so much! The MC was so great as well as the guests!
Thank you for this authentic and relaxed discussion.
This is one of the best podcasts I have ever listened to!
This episode is phenomenal. I learned so much from this podcast. I am so grateful to all three of you. Thank you!
best video i've watched in a long time. Diane is a star lol I love her radiating energy, warmth, and exuberance. She's also really solid in what she knows- you can tell she's good at her job!! Good at explaining too and making it feel conversational/interesting rather than just psychoeducational. Also love your questions Forrest- you always ask really thoughtful ones that draw out further connections, missing links, or understandings. And I can totally see how loving Rick has probably been to you and how he consciously formed a secure attachment with you despite and probably especially because he didn't have one growing up and wanted his child to feel attuned to and seen.
Oh wow...the whole "comings and goings" is HUGE! I just realized that I don't put as much effort into these as my husband and I'm the avoidant attacher. 😱
Three of my favorite people in one video. This is great! I learned a lot about attachment security from Diane Poole Heller, and I already considered myself an expert on the subject. Great teachings!
Thank you SO MUCH for this wonderful healing and nourishing podcast
Thanks Dr. Diane for sharing your wisdom and being so vulnerable yourself ♥️
Wonderful! Thank you so much for an in-depth explanation and your personal experiences of attachment styles expressed with love and humour. 💌
Really enjoyed this playlist and very well structured, thank you!
I really love the suggestions of the Dr. On specific exercises in how to build a secure attachement.
Thank you so much Dr Heller. Your joy and lovely spirit is overflowing and immediately made me feel hopeful for a happier and better future
Amazing podcast! So glad I found your channel! Really love this discussion!!❤
Diane is very joyful, full of smiles when speaking. Love her spirit. Thank you for such a wonderful cookie fortune from your dad, awesome ;)
I’ve never listened to this podcast before now. But this episode was very helpful. I learned a lot in the exchange between the therapist and the hosts father, the way he shared his trauma without playing into victimization. I love the part when the therapist says we need to have compassion for our parents because these patterns are usually passed down through generations of trauma. We have the knowledge now, our parents didn’t , so it becomes our responsibility to heal and create something new
Thank you so much, this is one of the most helpful videos I've watched.
Great podcast. I really got a sense of what this work is like and I am inspired to read Peter Levine for the first time. I also really appreciated the real experiences. What I am taking away from the episode is that I can can translate a trigger into it’s deeper meaning when I trust that it’s about the unmet needs of the past and the patterns I might not be aware of. With humility and support, I can nurture
emotional safety within by responding to myself with kindness first.
This came up in my recommended. It was so timely as I’ve been navigating a divorce, attachment styles with my young children, and my old attachment wounds. I’ve been listening this off and on the last 2-3 hours. As I was listening I got a message that sent me tailspinning. Simultaneously, the part about how men typically display anger and women sadness was playing. It was a real time reminder to tap into what I was really feeling which was so necessary. I think often times I internalize situations and tell myself a certain story that may or may not be true. Regardless, I often do it and avoid getting to what I’m really feeling or even understanding what I imply the “thing/offense/event” means about me. It’s so hard in the heat of the moment to pause and embrace the emotions that come up after being so used to “needing” to stuff it down to accommodate others. Whew! Let me rewatch the strategies for the 3rd time.
Great video and really appreciate the summary given at the end. Thank you
This was a gorgeous video encapsulating so many things I could improve for myself and for my partner to give us a better life.
Thank you❤
This was very insightful. Also, thank you for sharing your personal stories. That is helpful.
Just came upon this video today and... I found it very calming and comforting. THANK YOU🌹 Learned a few things about my upbringing and I feel I MUST follow this channel. 🙂
What a wonderful podcast. Thank you so much
She is amazing! Such a happy soul ❤️❤️❤️
I feel incredibly good! This is awesome! From this I am enlightened and learning much about myself and relationships. The examples are practical and direct and concise - love it! Bless all three of you and the work that you do. Thanks, D in South Africa :-)
Wow..deep! Enjoying this and this lady knows her stuff. Just half way through and had a few wow moments........
Thank you for this amazing episode It has been eye opening and very helpful to hear and reflect on this. God bless you!
Wow! This was an extremely enlightening video. Thank you for creating this.
That was illuminating, thank you all so much ❤
Great questions! I loved this episode. Thank you
Thanks for making the episode!❤
This was excellent. Thank you. Hopeful and compassionate.
This information is so liberating.
Thank you for this. It really helped me in ways that’s hard to articulate and simply put, it helped me understand certain aspects of my emotional and physical states of relating to people that I was not ware of before. Thank you! I walk away from listening to this a different person simply because the light has been shone.
Wonderful episode! I wish we can hear more from Dr. Diane.
Thanks to all of you for this amaizing pot cast lesson and Consuling far more than any Therapist would go in months !! You are wonderful. Love to all. ⭐️❤️🙏🕊☀️🎉🎊💃
This video is really insightful and delivers messages and advises with ease and love 💕 thank you for offering this mature and safe conversation regarding this topic
This was so great. Thank you for this talk ❤
You make sense in a complex manner. Thank You
Very nice interview with Dr. Heller! Great information as I am healing my attachment wounds.
Brilliant summary and very relatable
Very helpful. I’ll be watching again. Thank you so much. Diane, thank you for your personal story, generosity and all your skilled and creative work. I’d never have guessed your rough ride. Thank you too Rick for your back story too. The humanising, the less professional distancing is personally helpful and inspiring. 😊
This ⬆️!!
I learned so much from this this morning. Thank u.
Thank you. Really needed this.
You make it really clear that, first, you return to a state of calm. But those of us with pre-verbal attachment wounds caused by a primary caregiver, we never had a calm state. We're not resourced. We can't find it again because we never had it.
Excellent, super videos, So informative, comfortable and comforting to listen to. Thank you for your work , Really inspiring.
This is so great. Thank you ❤ love your techniques Dr Diane
Your voice is so soothing
Wow!! This was amazing….coming from a family of narcissists I related to so very much! Thank you ❤
Only 1 % of total population are actually narcissists FYI
@@Kimberly-up1cb4-6% unfortunately
I really felt this, especially how the dynamic between man and woman. Fire 🔥!
Great information, great format, beautiful presenters. I especially like the comment that adult kids should have some empathy for their parents. I've learned so much about myself and why my dysfunctional relationships are that way and how to heal them. Thank you so much. ❤
I have just discovered your podcasts. Just excellent, Thank you for such great information.
I learned a lot today. Thank you.
Beautiful talk- Thank you so much ✨
Thank you for this. Much appreciated.
Very important channel and the subject, thank you for your work
Thank you for giving me a ‘Happy Meal moment.’
You know, when you suddenly ‘hear’ a word, like when one day you ‘hear’ that it is ‘Happy’ Meal. (I had never thought about it before).
With this episode, I had this epiphany when you talked about ‘secure’ in ‘secure attachment.’ Secure. As in being and feeling secure via-à-vis other people, feeling safe.
First, you begin to try to find safety within yourself; then you begin to try to find it with others, or it finds you. At least I think this is the order it needs to happen in.
Anyways: thank you for this episode. It was even better the second time. On a side note: I adore your voice, Forrest, it is the biggest reason besides the content and warmth that I love your Podcast. It makes me feel safe and happy. You don’t need a voice coach.
Thank you so much fort this healing video!
This video is Deeply healing, nourishing, nurturing for me energetically amazing.
Much love ❤ to you all and everyone here ❤ 💛 ♥ 💕 💗 💙 ❤
This was wonderful and so helpful to have all the examples. For the future discussions, I would find it helpful to hear about how to learn to like people in general and not just for utility they have in one's life. Namaste 🙏
This is such a good topic. It’s rampant in circles I know including family.
Thank you! This is excellent.
Thanks very helpful!! Finally some real advice
Fantastic and insightful! Thanks
very enjoyable and knowledgeable guest and hosts! :)
Thank you so much for this 🫶🏽