Growing up in a household where my concerns were quickly dismissed or explained away, I always felt the need to over express myself or worse, overshare..the damage lasted my entire life. It's almost as if I expect to be dismissed.
Me too, and as an adult I still do it (over explain overshare). Its hard because I have knowledge & interest in very niche areas (ie all things psychology) and there’s basically no one in my life with the same interest or level of understanding. So these online forums are the only place I can express myself. I am a slow learner and keep trying to share things I’ve learnt with people face to face but it always leads to rejection and a feeling of shame. They just glaze over. Its frustrating not being able to feel understood and progress ideas further. But I need to accept it as I can’t deal with the rejection anymore!
@@universaltruth2025good way to get people interested in something you're interested in, is ask them questions about what they think or feel.... people are always interested in ourselves 😊
@@universaltruth2025 Hi there ! It's too bad that you can't find people who are like minded. Why don't you take a class just to meet people ? If you keep trying to connect with people that can't relate to your interests, it gets frustrating and you can get the feeling of rejection. That's painful for you but natural for them. I hope you get out there and find your people. It will feel so validating and good to make that connection. 💖🙋
I used to narrate my traumas very intellectually and go on and on talking about the most emotional things in a very narrative way. My therapist used to notice the slightest emotion that I was not aware of myself, and stop me and ask me to halt by what I just said and feel what it felt inside when I stood still with that experience... This was very helpful. She never told me I was cognitive bypassing. This I realized by myself with time... I realized that explaining things to myself had been a very good protector when I was a child... This had become part of my functioning. It was cutting out the messages of my feelings and the time I could be pausing to find new strategies. I learned that feelings are like the little lights that go on in your car when something is not as it needs to be. They are there to help me trust myself, not to scare me, and not to explain away
Wow, my my, you've just contextualized the very circumstances I've experienced but had no way to put into words to understand this aspect wholly. Thank you so so very much for sharing this and thank you to your amazing therapist ❤
Yeah or you're just hungry. If you're hungry and you think of something, you might become to believe there's some deep problem with the thing you thought about or sth, but in fact you just need a sandwich.
Ditto. Even witnessing this type of mature, good-natured, recripocal, respectful discourse between a father and son, and two professionals in their field is very empowering as an example of how healthy interactions can operate.
this… the sweetness… and how the father can addresss his son and say “as your friend”… it's both healing and sad because my father (due to his own upbringing) would say to me: i am your father, NOT your friend… and it would break my heart
It is so wonderful to see a father and son sharing so reciprocally and delightfully about these very important issues - and so clearly communicating 🎉😊
I can’t imagine having a conversation like this with either of my parents, but my goal is to talk with my kids like this when they are grown up. Great talk; great example!
Because they are both sensible persons, sensible parents raised up a sensible child. Unfortunately, not everyone is that lucky to have such a wonderful father like him. I seldom talk to my dad.
Interactive bypassing...when people reveal that they know that's the impasse with in trying to find a better therapist or whatever, I like to put it this way: "Sometimes we need to be taught and learn skills, and sometimes we need to share information and have others report that they received the information, but sometimes you just need to be a human being and to have others be human beings around you and treat you like a human being."
Wow, you two have really launched something special here. As a “reformed rigid person” Forrest, you really held out a gentle hand to take the first step of feeling. I’m a deep feeling person, and the guidance you both give really helps me drop into a deep level. Then Forrest swings it back to the practical, which I think allows many to feel safe. Your compassionate advice really opened something for me: within the realm of possibilities for yourself, go for the best within that range. Don’t settle for just what you’re comfortable with. This was a magical session. I’m sure you both must have felt it-the depth you were able to take us and then encouraging us to move into our best options.
I don’t think it’s accurate to say that you are a deep feeling person as if you feel feeling more than others. It is that you feel exclusively without the consideration of applying logic and rational. In that way you are lacking some skill. You do t have more than others.
@@annekincannon-kf3hx I read it more as ..." I AM a deep feeling person" as if reconnecting and reaffirming with that part of herself vs being a comparison to anyone else.
@@keeponshiningbrightlyagree. The language we use to communicate ourselves doesn’t have to be a reflection on or comparison TO others. I read it as a way to say - along the spectrum of humans with varying degrees in both the intensity of emotions as well as the degree of awareness of those emotions, this individual is identifying as someone on the higher end of the spectrum. It doesn’t diminish anyone else or their experience or importance of their own emotions within the context of their own life. Sharing in a safe and open/curious community of individuals (for me) is an important part of the process of learning about ourselves, growing and healing from wounds. There’s room for everyone…regardless of the way they experience life.
@@annekincannon-kf3hxYour comment makes me curious if you have some feelings of insecurity or some other annoyance around the feedback you’ve received about the way YOU experience emotions and what others may conclude…as the comment feels like it has a kind of defensive quality to it. Just my thoughts. Not worth much. See if it fits…if not disregard. Not that you need my permission obviously. Lol. Just enjoying the vibrant and interesting conversations here.
Watching a father and son interact in such a loving way is so heartwarming and healing. I’m learning how to communicate in a kind way by watching you too. Thank you 🙏🏻
This is really helpful. Have spent years talking and intellectualizing my emotions, which was unhelpful. Also, therapists need to be patient. Pressuring someone to feel all their emotions all of a sudden is too stressful.
@Marie_Adams like cleaning a big closet that's is crammed with stuff? You want it clean but its a daunting task & you need a plan & time alone to unpack it all & every time you look at that closed closet door or peek in there you get anxious....
I soooo soooo love you guys. Father so humble, son so generous in his expression of gratitude for his dad's wealth of wisdom. You both ROCK. Love you. BAHAMAS 🇧🇸
I love you guys; your voices are soothing to me. I've listened to many of your podcasts over the past year. Full disclosure: I often listen to you in order to fall asleep. Not today, though! I heard the whole thing and I'm so glad you mentioned self compassion, and the compassion of honoring one's survival skills, such as cognitive bypassing, while also looking to expand one's experience. Rick, my inner children would love to play on your lawn, because you are so kind.
Gotta say, I’ve just recently stumbled upon your podcast, and I listen to a LOT of podcasts focusing on psychology and philosophy- YOU ARE BRILLIANT!! Thanks for sharing your content and knowledge- I am now following you!!!
I know I am incredibly immature and have my mind in the gutter, but hearing "lubricated, now you can open, a sense of completion, a burst of emotion, letting go, a sense of coming together" all witin a minute of 23:45 made me wonder what the heck we are actually talking about here 😅😂 I just want to add that I got so much out of this discussion and that im really thankful for you posting this 🙏
Similar, or worse='Are you ok/alright' . With no '?' as it's not a question. Rather, it's used as a habitual intro instead of 'Hello' and def NOT requiring an affective response.
The first example sounds exactly like me when I started seeing my current therapist. The way I would tell her things was very matter of fact. Honestly I thought I was over my traumas because I didn't feel anyway about them. I even told her about a suicide attempt a week prior to seeing her in a no big deal type of way. She had to tell me I was depressed because at the time I didn't think I was even with the suicide attempt. Nowadays she helps validate my emotions an that its okay to feel and accept how I feel. The best way to put it is giving me "permission" to have emotions. I never realized that's all I wanted.
This is absolutely my favorite episode. As a retired therapist, that’s now a senior with a disability, it was helpful to hear about possibilities within limitations. As an American it’s easy to get stuck in the idea that I shouldn’t have any limitations, and that anything is possible. That’s just not true. I would love to hear more about this topic😀
Love getting access to Dr. Rick,, the patience, the wisdom. "Kids, if you gift me your presence on my lawn, you can play there all day." 😭Your relationship is sweet as well. Thank you!!!
Great to start with the body...not threatening...also, remember some are not brought up with the language of feeling expression..so not only do they fail to feel the emotion,,,they have no language to describe it.
I love listening to the two of you and so enjoy the relationship you share with one another. True interdependence. I am grateful to witness this love. ❤
You guys are a great team. Lots of interesting information here, expressed in a clear, articulate way. Bypassing was the last nail in the coffin of therapy for me. I never met a therapist who could steer me back into the feelings after I presented my monologue of understanding. I've understood it better on my own through the techniques of a few spiritual teachers. Learning to allow feelings to come to the surface, no matter how awful it feels, seems to let them run their course.
Echart tolle teaching is similar to the outcome of this conversation I found it very useful after seeing a video of him advising a woman to notice and be aware even the urge to suppress the thought and feel the distance as if it some external from you and take a breath into awareness
"Trapped in the insight (stage)", not getting to feel the feelings.. That resonates so strongly for certain scenarios how can it not have some truth to it..🙏
Forrest Your personal experiences really cast light on the process of cognitive bypassing. Invalidation, self-doubt, repressed feelings in general call for co-regulation of the sort you are outlining with your father. I for one am emboldened by your insight into the task of bringing our feelings to the table. Keep up the good work!
Just amazing, amazing. The structure, the depth, the examination, words, sense of humor, understanding and humanistic view in your podcasts keep me ever so feeling guided, nourished, received and loved by life itself. Thanks you two for the marvellous podcasts and your commitment to help and inform people with such a high degree of professional material and insight to human nature, body and mind. Such a blessing in my life 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I think i utilized this bypassing in my early childhood, around the age of 3 i have clear memories of the situations id found myself in. I started using this bypassing, and my form was explain cognitively to my siblings or a perfect stranger as a way to try to understand what I was experiencing and to see if others would recognize it or if theyd experienced it, like a sort of reality check. As i grew older, i noticed for decades id get very negative responses from individuals whod id "shared" "spewed" my cognitive explanations with, but id be so confused, it was a complete mystery and at times I'd even start to beleive they must be against me or trying to use this as a way to hurt me. But hearing this conversation now, wow! Im mind blown, ive neevr been able to express this for what it is, ive never understood what was happening in those moments. Id been highly aware that something was off, but could never fully understand what it was that i was doing that would get this reaction from others...afterall, i was only sharing a negative experience id had, - not looking for sympathy/empathy but just wanting to check in to the reality of the experience.....wow, im mind blown right now, thank you l, thank you, thank you for all the love and support you offer in the work you do, its forever appreciated and life changing to me, thank you is an understatement here. 💫💞
I love how you articulated the fact that we may have constraints, but there is still a range of possibility within those constraints. It feels like too often we get stuck in what our limitations are, and give up the power we have to make a play using the cards we've been dealt. Thanks for this delightful conversation!
thank you thank you thank you. I've had tons of therapy but only recently have determined I don't know what to do in therapy, so these podcasts that share about "the how of therapy" help me optimize my self-investment!
What a Beautiful relationship the 2 of you have. It shines through so cleanly and clearly. How Blessed :) It makes for such an enjoyable experience beyond the substance of the actual information being shared. I love it :)
The point made at 22.00 really resonated. I once had a counsellor complain and criticise me for not being willing to be vulnerable in her presence. Maybe its a good thing I wasnt I thought later on !
So I stumbled upon 'Being Well' while walking along a beach with my dog and in a bad mood. "Who the hell are these midwestern dudes? They are so weird." I realized that you were father and son and that explained some of the 'weirdness' ;-) That was almost two weeks ago. I am now a huge fan, you have changed my life. "Though he came to scoff, he remained to pray.." from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. As far as your accents and your way of being and how you interact, it is good for me, (from just north of Boston) to be reminded there are many ways of being, ways of speaking, ways of demonstrating your love, including overtly and deeply. You guys are spectacular. I love you.
This is great, and I'm glad you found the show. As a quick note we're both from California. But Rick's family is from North Dakota, so there are definitely some Midwestern roots.
Wow. I love that you acknowledges that some people are unable to, even though they want to, feel their feelings instead of just giving an account or intellectualising their experiences. I’ve had a few therapists make comments about me being psych minded and aware, as if it’s a bad thing. I think they were talking about cognitive bypassing though they didn’t use that term (maybe they didn’t want me to go away and research it like I do everything 😆 - seriously though, give me a puzzle I haven’t figured out, what do they expect that I do, go on with my life like it doesn’t exist? Just wait till the answer fall on to my lap?) I think there is also some nuances of this experience that can be different for neurodivergent people like me as well. Honestly I don’t even know what to think because due to my upbringing I am trained to not feel or pay attention to my needs/urges etc, then I’m told that to not do so is a bad thing. Then I’m told as an adult that I’m autistic and we are like a dog with a treat puzzle when it comes to things that we don’t understand or doesn’t come naturally to us - we don’t understand inherently how it works but we can’t just leave it alone because it’s a puzzle we need to solve. How then do we approach therapy with a new person who doesn’t know us from a bar of soap and we have almost 4 decades of trauma and significant experiences that made us who we are, including the parts that doesn’t serve us, other than to make an attempt at producing a sufficiently abridged version and to guess what would be key information for the therapist to know at that point in order to work with us? And when you’ve made so many attempts at finding the right therapist and repeating your story countless number of times, how can you stay emotionally connected with it without having a mental breakdown every time? I would so love therapists to be able to give us enough time to say what we need to say and find our way of communicating with each other without pathologising or assuming that we are consciously getting in our own way of healing. I mean if we aren’t really committed to it, why would we bother seeking therapy in the first place, right? Then to give us sufficient guidance in the sessions to lead us to think about or share what would be help us connect sufficiently in order to participate in the therapy. Excuse the waffle. Not sure if anyone will see this, but just wanted to say that I found this podcast to really resonate and helpful for me to not only try and understand my experiences, but to help me feel ok with how I navigate this journey.
Good waffle! I think I can see where you're coming from, as someone who suspects I'm in some way neurodivergent. Always thought I was quite an open book & in tune with my emotions but time & talking to others has proved me wrong. Still trying to figure myself out, as a lot of people are, I suppose. Have the experiences with your therapist/s commenting on your awareness & mindest happened after they became aware of your diagnosis? I wonder if they were unaware or not well trained whether this had an impact on the way they interpteted your behaviour? Not to say you should be treated differently but a mutual awareness of the ways in which you process would likely facilitate the most productive discourse? Can I ask, if you're happy to share, how have you found therapy overall? Is it something you still do? I've got 2 failed attempts behind me & wondering if I should try for third time lucky...
@@hannahmitchell87 I didn’t write the original post, but I too appreciated the waffle. I have had many false starts and some big wins in therapy. I eventually learned that I often knew, in a first consultation, that a therapist was not a good fit but I either didn’t recognize the clue or chose to ignore it for some reason. Sometimes I would still get a nugget or two during a “failed” therapy experience, then learn to “quit” and look for someone else. Over nearly fifty years of sorting through core traumas and ongoing ones, and following my one clear impulse to find help, I have put together a good structure of mental health that includes asking for help when I need it. I hope you continue to look for someone who gets you, even to a fourth and fifth time and more-as many times as you need to feel better. You deserve to feel the best you can about your life. I wish you well on your journey.
If you're not feeling them, they're not feelings. I find it amusing that you guys believe there are emotions out there in space somewhere that should have been caught by you, but somehow escaped.
@@MrCmon113 Actually there are feelings people cannot access but nevertheless exist & impact them. As the Hansons discuss, there are moments of breakthru when people at last do tap into emotions that just sort of lingered there like background music for years...followed by immense relief and a letting go. I know for some people on the autism spectrum, crtn emotions can be almost impossible to access especially if they're anxious.
There's a paradox you're introducing, re: cognitive bypassing. Namely, a prescription you're offering is 'get in touch with your body', however, the brain IS part of your body. Knowing what your feeling and WHY you're feeling it is the integrated answer. Empathy has a cognitive component; understanding. To have self compassion, its necessary to understand your own situation. Cognitive bypassing is going to present itself as a part of coming into contact with those with disorganized attachment primarily, and with senseless forms of suffering secondarily. Therefore I don't think its an either/or dilemma, but rather a both/and issue.
Fantastic point. We're really making a distinction here between a "thinking-focused process" vs. a "feeling-focused process" as opposed to brain vs. body. But even then, thinking and feeling (as you say) are intimately wrapped up in each other. The issues we're highlighting in this episode start to emerge when they aren't integrating, and the thinking is held separate from the feeling.
"Cognitive" deals with the mind as an entity. Of course, much of it is corporal (i.e. the brain), but there are also cognitions that exist outside our body.
This was so refreshing! I am a psychologist myself and love/often refer to Rick's work. The idea of "spiritual bypassing" (which is used similarly to how you used cognitive bypassing here) has always rubbed my the wrong way, but I've never been able to quite articulate why. I loved the reframe of cognitive bypassing, including the explanation that it can serve a purpose and that it is not necessarily a "bad" thing. I'm also a yoga and mindfulness teacher, so I'm pretty adept at both noticing my emotion and being in my body, and yet I don't think the simple admonition to "feel my feelings" is always a good thing! Thanks for this and the other content that you offer. 🙏
I really appreciate your podcasts. The synergistic result of both your contributions to the discussion is so effective in exploring a topic. I love seeing a model of a healthy respectful parent/adult child relationship. I especially love Rick's humor ❤
I love this great relationship and how it's a living vehicle for an exchange of ideas and discovery. Sooo great to bear witness to what love can do, for each other and a model to help other people. This is the best of humanity right here. So inspiring. More, more, more.
What he said about creativity around 56:07 reminds me of the quote: "Necessity is the mother of invention." {Vision under constraints} Some people, like myself, are more naturally creative, intuitive, problem solving... So are you saying that people can develop or "learn" creative thinking (& hopefully) mental flexibility or openness? In my experience most adults are set in their ways. Is there hope?
It's great to hear therapists talking about not interrupting a client in the midst of an emotional discharge of a distress pattern. Decades ago I found talk therapy mostly useless. I found re-evaluation counseling far more effective in contradicting and then not interrupting the emotional discharge of the distress pattern. But I could have used a heck of a lot more of it if I was going to wake up. A person in intense distress, depression, etc. needs a lot of deep, focused work to get the trauma out of the body. I was lucky to get what I got (probably saved me from suicide) but it wasn't enough for a profound breakthrough - and the family, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. are often next to useless and make matters worse labeling a person as a mental health case (bipolar, etc.) rather than consider the possibility of a spiritual crisis with a profound chance of awakening. Clinicians are all too quick to place an individual in a box and often do more harm than good.
Thank you! For talking about this, I really didn't get to radical acceptance until I felt it... but I had been able to talk about it and even categorize it accurately for years prior to actually feeling it, after feeling it in full, I quickly radically accepted it (a few days), and then I never wanted to talk about it again... It's just too tragic for everyday conversation now
When this bypassing is experienced in solitude, it is totally right and not a problem. When you get into a relationship, and hide this characteristic upfront to your partner for them to find out, with very limited resources to manage, it is just an ugly nightmare, that has the potential to ruin even children's habits for emotional management , and mental health. Therapy perspective is one thing, but practical life is a very much different animal.
27:00 In regards externalizing and dialoguing with emotion, I'm reminded of a therapeutic technique in a book called 'How to Act' where you take an empty chair and imagine an antagonist sitting there, with whom you're supposed to berate and admonish for five or ten minutes.
Thank you so very much for these incredible insights. I personally struggle with the definition, or recognition, of 'positive' emotions. When I am asked if I am 'happy', I honestly struggle to understand that feeling. I can relate to anger, sadness, and 'numbness', but 'happiness ' eludes me. I always say I'm content, but is that 'happiness'? I have many years inside my head, which seems to be my personal prison.
Really interesting. Something that helps me, is summarizing my long monologues into a single word, for the core of the message. Then repeat it, helps me connect to the feeling that may be lost behind my thoughts. Could you as a therapeute and psychologist perhaps do some information on the art or skill of listening? I have been a cognitive by passer of high ranking, also dissociative. Often times i loose the person speaking to me and their message. Listening seems to come so natural to many, and seeing you and your dad, it truly seems as so between the two of you. Is true listening easy, and what does it mean to listen?
If you notice in a conversation most people aren’t really listening to what the other is saying but their minds are skipping ahead to what they are going to say….the answer to being a good listener is staying ‘Present’ (in the moment) and focus on that person(s) and what is actually being said without jumping in.
I'm a new listener so maybe you have explored this in the past but is not I encourage you to look into Art Therapy. It can be helpful with cognitive bypassing because even if you have difficulties articulating your emotions the art serves as a physical presence and evidence of those emotions and can be a way of tracking those feelings and how the evolve over time.
Thank you. I have been in therapy now for about 7 months. This explains me completely I had a narcissist mom and married a horrible man who abused me. So I decided to try therapy. And I can admit I was terrified and wanted to be free. She has said to me freedom can only happen when you feel your feeling. I said I don’t know what that means. She says you just need to feel. We tried some somatic work them emdr which I just couldn’t participate. She finally said I guess I cannot help you and said that we shouldn’t work together. How’s that for a person with abandonment issues. So I cried and she said oh good now you are feeling. It seems her goal is to make me sit until I cry. After listening to this I feel that her method is wrong either way me. But also feel hopeless that I can find any help. Sad for I do want t to be free.
I'm sorry you had that experience, it sounds awful. I had similar with my counselor but at least she was able to convince me that her empathy was genuine and she guided me towards recognizing, naming, and connecting my feelings and experiences. It's still not easy for me. I've done deep dives for additional information outside our sessions, and came across the term "alexithymia": an inability or difficulty to identify one's feelings. There is a small percentage of the population for whom this is an actual impairment. It's (sort of) like having dyslexia, but the challenge is with feelings instead of with reading letters on a page.
I love the way you guys think. There was so much I resonated with in my own life, as a person who tends to be cognitively oriented but is working on more authentic and vulnerable self-expression. Thanks for doing what you do!
Oh, yes, this is so familiar. for the longest time I did this all the time. I knew there was something wrong, painful going on with me, but I honestly could not access my feelings very well at all. And I was so confused about why, when I told people about terrible things that happened to me, but they had minimal reaction. After a while I began to understand that without expressing emotion others thought that I was fine. Many therapists thought I was fine because I was so eloquent and not bawling my eyes out. I was not fine. I was completely disassociated.
Al a long time retired clinical social worker I really appreciated this in depth discussion on the ins & outs of accessing emotions. Can you please repeat Illusions’ author? Thanks.
7 Ways To Connect With Your Inner Self 1. Notice your innermost thoughts and feelings to change anything blocking TOTAL💯% self-acceptance. 2. Spend dedicated quiet time⏰ with God daily. 3. Create space🚀 to do things that are UPLIFTING for you. 4. Practice meditational prayer to ground and center your spirit🌬. 5. Be intentional about focusing attention on restorative people, places and things. 6. Spend time🧭 harnessing the power 🔋 of your level of consciousness, subconscious mind and in nature🏞. 7. Journal📝, express and release your negative emotions.
Wow. I never felt SO called out by a talk like this. Even then 'new age bypassing' - saying things like 'it must serve a good reason I don't see now' or 'It's just depending on your viewpoint, no one and no circumstance can make you feel anything unless you decide to feel like that (and therefore, just decide to not be upset!)' - that's me, to the point. I never saw it as a bad thing, I absolutely feel most of the feelings somewhere (and I believe I'm MUCH more sensitive and interpret things much worse than they are and get sad and hurt whenever there is the slightest chance of someone maaaybe having the intention to hurt me, even thought I know they don't, but if it doesn't feel safe to assume they actually have my best interest in mind or take me into consideration as much as I do for them - but they probably would never know because I always know it's not as deep as I feel it to be), but always believe my feelings aren't serving me in that situation at all and the best way to access solutions is with absolute rationality (which, to be honest, is often bent to kindaa passively include my feelings without talking about them because then they feel justified by facts and numbers). I've been fighting a lot with my new boyfriend, and whenever he says that something about the fight is making him sad, he's frustrated, he feels x or y, I interally get upset because it feels like a tactic: I think 'if I can put my emotions aside even thought I think they're justified by what you did for the sake of finding rational solutions, you surely can do that too, but since you're using your feelings right now, you must be using them as a cheatcode, bcause everyone knows you can't argue against someone just being sad and whiny and all you can do is to empathize with them and give in'. I honestly never know if the other is actually feeling like that or just using it when they talk about their feelings, and therefore, I don't talk about mine as much because I don't want to involuntarily win an argument or be treated differently just because I'm hurt. It's probably not like that at all lol. And I can see why my boyfriend is offended when I don't go 'aaww I'm so sorry it's okay', because to me, talking about my feeling is so hard and almost taboo, so the other person couldn't possibly have such an easy time doing it and must be lying. Ugh. A part of me knows I'm overanalyzing things and just not trusting in others nor in their caring to do anything about my feelings if I told them about them (after all, it's me who has to feel them, talking truly doesn't help me as much as others). And another part is like 'but what if it's actually right and in the end, you're just naive and get taken advantage of because you take emotion-based actions?'
Can I celebrate this revelation with you? Way to go facing yourself- that can be really hard! I hope you are able to observe the behavior of others around you and uncover who shares their feelings while respecting your needs, and who is trying to manipulate you by sharing feelings. I hope you can choose safe people and feel safe saying no when you need to set boundaries. Much luck!
@@EJtoU thank you so very much!! It really feels good to have someone say that, seriously :) I had a long talk with my boyfriend yesterday after fighting for a few days, and I noticed how very emotional he was and he was very desperate, crying and things like that. And I thought a lot about it today and how my reaction, even IF someone was just using feelings to manipulate, must hurt the other person because it's still a sign of not acknowledging/dismissing them, and he usually still tries to make steps towards me even if this might hurt him, and I know I wouldn't have the courage to do that in his position because I'd be way too scared of rejection. I actually wrote him a giant message tonight to simply thank him for the courage to be vulnerable and emotional and opening up about how he feels about me even when I reject him, and why I exactly do this (out of my own fear and a sense of doubting the intentions of others to stay safe), and that because he tries to be a better person and I want to notice my own reflexive but maladaptive thoughts that lead to bypassing emotions that are important. I'm pretty proud to have even sent that because it feels like there's now so much ground to be vulnerable myself. But I'd love to just make it more of a habit to trust a little bit more and not take every chance suspiciously if I know deep down they do mean well. Thank you again and have a great day!
I have a theory on why talk therapy, etc. is more effective for some and not so much others but it is based on astrology... Basically the elements, if someone has alot of air in their chart thought and talk is very effective, earth body work and connection to earth, water needs to feel those feels and of course water therapy (salt bath, hot springs, etc) fire meditation and yoga, really observing the initial feeling and trusting these 😇
You make a good point about dissociation in the moment and that leaving some only being able to report. Yeah Im sure it was terrible in the moment. But I dont have a sense of how I was feeling. For me, probably like Foo, I was busy trying to resolve the problem? Trying to move past it at least in my mind?
It’s a coping strategy, since connecting with the full force of the feeling at the time can be immobilising, and you need to get out of the unsafe situation. I see it as similar to our body’s ability to go into shock after something immediately traumatic, where one may not feel the crippling pain of breaking a limb or a gunshot wound, so that we can ride the adrenaline and get the f outta there. The healthy thing to do would be to process it after we get to safety, but for those of us that were never in a safe situation in childhood, we never get to stop and process it, to have a safe adult to help us make sense of it and put it behind us. So it becomes a journey of jumping from one frying pan into a boiling pot to another frying pan etc. Until we get so desensitised and disconnected from the trauma that we can’t touch it even when we want to. 😕
Growing up in a household where my concerns were quickly dismissed or explained away, I always felt the need to over express myself or worse, overshare..the damage lasted my entire life. It's almost as if I expect to be dismissed.
this hits too close to home
Me too, and as an adult I still do it (over explain overshare). Its hard because I have knowledge & interest in very niche areas (ie all things psychology) and there’s basically no one in my life with the same interest or level of understanding. So these online forums are the only place I can express myself. I am a slow learner and keep trying to share things I’ve learnt with people face to face but it always leads to rejection and a feeling of shame. They just glaze over. Its frustrating not being able to feel understood and progress ideas further. But I need to accept it as I can’t deal with the rejection anymore!
@@universaltruth2025good way to get people interested in something you're interested in, is ask them questions about what they think or feel.... people are always interested in ourselves 😊
@@universaltruth2025 Too bad you didn't live near by!
@@universaltruth2025 Hi there ! It's too bad that you can't find people who are like minded. Why don't you take a class just to meet people ? If you keep trying to connect with people that can't relate to your interests, it gets frustrating and you can get the feeling of rejection. That's painful for you but natural for them. I hope you get out there and find your people. It will feel so validating and good to make that connection. 💖🙋
"Hi dad." "Hi son, I love you." - entire audience breaks into tears.
Bro. It's the simplest things.
They look alike so much they even have the same grain de beauté on the cheek!
I missed this?
One of us would have to be dying to say that again. How to bridge gaps in communication
Literally what was said in this actual video. Although he did say it as , hi son, I love doing these with you.
Sensation
Somatic feeling
Acceptance
Self compassion
Thank you
I used to narrate my traumas very intellectually and go on and on talking about the most emotional things in a very narrative way. My therapist used to notice the slightest emotion that I was not aware of myself, and stop me and ask me to halt by what I just said and feel what it felt inside when I stood still with that experience...
This was very helpful. She never told me I was cognitive bypassing. This I realized by myself with time...
I realized that explaining things to myself had been a very good protector when I was a child... This had become part of my functioning. It was cutting out the messages of my feelings and the time I could be pausing to find new strategies. I learned that feelings are like the little lights that go on in your car when something is not as it needs to be. They are there to help me trust myself, not to scare me, and not to explain away
Wow, my my, you've just contextualized the very circumstances I've experienced but had no way to put into words to understand this aspect wholly. Thank you so so very much for sharing this and thank you to your amazing therapist ❤
@@kailani1138 so glad it was helpful
That’s a good therapist!
Wow, what a beautiful and precise way to put it!
Yeah or you're just hungry.
If you're hungry and you think of something, you might become to believe there's some deep problem with the thing you thought about or sth, but in fact you just need a sandwich.
I totally admire the reciprocal connection you both have as professionals and family. It blows my mind in a good way and I just love all your topics.
I feel the same way Lala.
Ditto. Even witnessing this type of mature, good-natured, recripocal, respectful discourse between a father and son, and two professionals in their field is very empowering as an example of how healthy interactions can operate.
Me too!!!
Yes. It's beautiful.
this… the sweetness… and how the father can addresss his son and say “as your friend”… it's both healing and sad because my father (due to his own upbringing) would say to me: i am your father, NOT your friend… and it would break my heart
And I've found allowing myself time to pause without replying and NOT thinking of what I want to say next as a gif way to override overthinking!
It is so wonderful to see a father and son sharing so reciprocally and delightfully about these very important issues - and so clearly communicating 🎉😊
I so hope to see this with my husband and son down the road (my son is 3) ❤
I can’t imagine having a conversation like this with either of my parents, but my goal is to talk with my kids like this when they are grown up. Great talk; great example!
I talk like that with my mum, start early!
Because they are both sensible persons, sensible parents raised up a sensible child. Unfortunately, not everyone is that lucky to have such a wonderful father like him.
I seldom talk to my dad.
My first time watching this channel. I have never seen two people talk like this, much less if it's father and son! It was fascinating to me.
Interactive bypassing...when people reveal that they know that's the impasse with in trying to find a better therapist or whatever, I like to put it this way: "Sometimes we need to be taught and learn skills, and sometimes we need to share information and have others report that they received the information, but sometimes you just need to be a human being and to have others be human beings around you and treat you like a human being."
I love the richness of nuances.
Wow, you two have really launched something special here. As a “reformed rigid person” Forrest, you really held out a gentle hand to take the first step of feeling. I’m a deep feeling person, and the guidance you both give really helps me drop into a deep level. Then Forrest swings it back to the practical, which I think allows many to feel safe. Your compassionate advice really opened something for me: within the realm of possibilities for yourself, go for the best within that range. Don’t settle for just what you’re comfortable with. This was a magical session. I’m sure you both must have felt it-the depth you were able to take us and then encouraging us to move into our best options.
I don’t think it’s accurate to say that you are a deep feeling person as if you feel feeling more than others. It is that you feel exclusively without the consideration of applying logic and rational. In that way you are lacking some skill. You do t have more than others.
@@annekincannon-kf3hx I read it more as ..." I AM a deep feeling person" as if reconnecting and reaffirming with that part of herself vs being a comparison to anyone else.
@@keeponshiningbrightlyagree. The language we use to communicate ourselves doesn’t have to be a reflection on or comparison TO others. I read it as a way to say - along the spectrum of humans with varying degrees in both the intensity of emotions as well as the degree of awareness of those emotions, this individual is identifying as someone on the higher end of the spectrum. It doesn’t diminish anyone else or their experience or importance of their own emotions within the context of their own life. Sharing in a safe and open/curious community of individuals (for me) is an important part of the process of learning about ourselves, growing and healing from wounds. There’s room for everyone…regardless of the way they experience life.
@@annekincannon-kf3hxYour comment makes me curious if you have some feelings of insecurity or some other annoyance around the feedback you’ve received about the way YOU experience emotions and what others may conclude…as the comment feels like it has a kind of defensive quality to it. Just my thoughts. Not worth much. See if it fits…if not disregard. Not that you need my permission obviously. Lol. Just enjoying the vibrant and interesting conversations here.
Watching a father and son interact in such a loving way is so heartwarming and healing. I’m learning how to communicate in a kind way by watching you too. Thank you 🙏🏻
This is really helpful. Have spent years talking and intellectualizing my emotions, which was unhelpful. Also, therapists need to be patient. Pressuring someone to feel all their emotions all of a sudden is too stressful.
The beautiful dynamic between you both is addictive, subscription-worthy without a doubt!
Do we have to feel emotions deeply in order to do something with it? This question is a summary of 100 years of psychology. Love this.
@Marie_Adams like cleaning a big closet that's is crammed with stuff? You want it clean but its a daunting task & you need a plan & time alone to unpack it all & every time you look at that closed closet door or peek in there you get anxious....
I soooo soooo love you guys. Father so humble, son so generous in his expression of gratitude for his dad's wealth of wisdom. You both ROCK.
Love you.
BAHAMAS 🇧🇸
I love you guys; your voices are soothing to me. I've listened to many of your podcasts over the past year. Full disclosure: I often listen to you in order to fall asleep. Not today, though! I heard the whole thing and I'm so glad you mentioned self compassion, and the compassion of honoring one's survival skills, such as cognitive bypassing, while also looking to expand one's experience. Rick, my inner children would love to play on your lawn, because you are so kind.
Listening to help yourself go to sleep sounds great to us!
Their voices are so soothing! I kept thinking - whoever mixed the audio did a great job.
Gotta say, I’ve just recently stumbled upon your podcast, and I listen to a LOT of podcasts focusing on psychology and philosophy- YOU ARE BRILLIANT!! Thanks for sharing your content and knowledge- I am now following you!!!
Thank you!
Such great information. Learning yoga and breathing was incremental to the survival of the trauma I endured at an early age. Thank you for this show.
I know I am incredibly immature and have my mind in the gutter, but hearing "lubricated, now you can open, a sense of completion, a burst of emotion, letting go, a sense of coming together" all witin a minute of 23:45 made me wonder what the heck we are actually talking about here 😅😂
I just want to add that I got so much out of this discussion and that im really thankful for you posting this 🙏
I find your heartfelt discussions to be so valuable and enlightening. Thank you!
Aww that joy of talking to your father with love, super cute to see
Most emotionally well-adjusted family in America.
I hate when ppl ask me "how do you feel" like I don't know my feet hurt 🤷♀️
Similar, or worse='Are you ok/alright' . With no '?' as it's not a question. Rather, it's used as a habitual intro instead of 'Hello' and def NOT requiring an affective response.
Same here. "How do you feel?"/"What do you think?" Is so awkward for me... I don't KNOW what I feel or think 😭 I just exist, that's all I know
The first example sounds exactly like me when I started seeing my current therapist. The way I would tell her things was very matter of fact. Honestly I thought I was over my traumas because I didn't feel anyway about them. I even told her about a suicide attempt a week prior to seeing her in a no big deal type of way. She had to tell me I was depressed because at the time I didn't think I was even with the suicide attempt. Nowadays she helps validate my emotions an that its okay to feel and accept how I feel. The best way to put it is giving me "permission" to have emotions. I never realized that's all I wanted.
This is absolutely my favorite episode. As a retired therapist, that’s now a senior with a disability, it was helpful to hear about possibilities within limitations. As an American it’s easy to get stuck in the idea that I shouldn’t have any limitations, and that anything is possible. That’s just not true. I would love to hear more about this topic😀
Love getting access to Dr. Rick,, the patience, the wisdom. "Kids, if you gift me your presence on my lawn, you can play there all day." 😭Your relationship is sweet as well. Thank you!!!
Childhood trauma +..can't cry now..accept when watching singer's on talent shows being recognised for their heroic effort.
Great to start with the body...not threatening...also, remember some are not brought up with the language of feeling expression..so not only do they fail to feel the emotion,,,they have no language to describe it.
I love listening to the two of you and so enjoy the relationship you share with one another. True interdependence. I am grateful to witness this love. ❤
You guys are a great team. Lots of interesting information here, expressed in a clear, articulate way. Bypassing was the last nail in the coffin of therapy for me. I never met a therapist who could steer me back into the feelings after I presented my monologue of understanding. I've understood it better on my own through the techniques of a few spiritual teachers. Learning to allow feelings to come to the surface, no matter how awful it feels, seems to let them run their course.
Their joy and closeness is infectious! When Forest smiles I want to smile as well..
Echart tolle teaching is similar to the outcome of this conversation I found it very useful after seeing a video of him advising a woman to notice and be aware even the urge to suppress the thought and feel the distance as if it some external from you and take a breath into awareness
"Trapped in the insight (stage)", not getting to feel the feelings..
That resonates so strongly for certain scenarios how can it not have some truth to it..🙏
Forrest Your personal experiences really cast light on the process of cognitive bypassing. Invalidation, self-doubt, repressed feelings in general call for co-regulation of the sort you are outlining with your father. I for one am emboldened by your insight into the task of bringing our feelings to the table. Keep up the good work!
⚘I LOVE your voice, Forrest❤
I'm an emotional person who definitely has cognitive bypass as a thing. Relate so much.
Just amazing, amazing. The structure, the depth, the examination, words, sense of humor, understanding and humanistic view in your podcasts keep me ever so feeling guided, nourished, received and loved by life itself. Thanks you two for the marvellous podcasts and your commitment to help and inform people with such a high degree of professional material and insight to human nature, body and mind. Such a blessing in my life 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I think i utilized this bypassing in my early childhood, around the age of 3 i have clear memories of the situations id found myself in. I started using this bypassing, and my form was explain cognitively to my siblings or a perfect stranger as a way to try to understand what I was experiencing and to see if others would recognize it or if theyd experienced it, like a sort of reality check. As i grew older, i noticed for decades id get very negative responses from individuals whod id "shared" "spewed" my cognitive explanations with, but id be so confused, it was a complete mystery and at times I'd even start to beleive they must be against me or trying to use this as a way to hurt me. But hearing this conversation now, wow! Im mind blown, ive neevr been able to express this for what it is, ive never understood what was happening in those moments. Id been highly aware that something was off, but could never fully understand what it was that i was doing that would get this reaction from others...afterall, i was only sharing a negative experience id had, - not looking for sympathy/empathy but just wanting to check in to the reality of the experience.....wow, im mind blown right now, thank you l, thank you, thank you for all the love and support you offer in the work you do, its forever appreciated and life changing to me, thank you is an understatement here. 💫💞
son and dad conversation about psychology, love it!
I enjoy the reciprocity between you and your father. I admire your relationship. I appreciate your message. Thank you.
Hillarious cover art, just starting the show now I’m sure it will be great as always. Thanks again
I love how you articulated the fact that we may have constraints, but there is still a range of possibility within those constraints. It feels like too often we get stuck in what our limitations are, and give up the power we have to make a play using the cards we've been dealt. Thanks for this delightful conversation!
thank you thank you thank you. I've had tons of therapy but only recently have determined I don't know what to do in therapy, so these podcasts that share about "the how of therapy" help me optimize my self-investment!
What a Beautiful relationship the 2 of you have. It shines through so cleanly and clearly. How Blessed :) It makes for such an enjoyable experience beyond the substance of the actual information being shared. I love it :)
The point made at 22.00 really resonated. I once had a counsellor complain and criticise me for not being willing to be vulnerable in her presence. Maybe its a good thing I wasnt I thought later on !
Thanks!
So I stumbled upon 'Being Well' while walking along a beach with my dog and in a bad mood. "Who the hell are these midwestern dudes? They are so weird." I realized that you were father and son and that explained some of the 'weirdness' ;-) That was almost two weeks ago. I am now a huge fan, you have changed my life.
"Though he came to scoff, he remained to pray.." from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
As far as your accents and your way of being and how you interact, it is good for me, (from just north of Boston) to be reminded there are many ways of being, ways of speaking, ways of demonstrating your love, including overtly and deeply. You guys are spectacular. I love you.
This is great, and I'm glad you found the show.
As a quick note we're both from California. But Rick's family is from North Dakota, so there are definitely some Midwestern roots.
Wow. I love that you acknowledges that some people are unable to, even though they want to, feel their feelings instead of just giving an account or intellectualising their experiences. I’ve had a few therapists make comments about me being psych minded and aware, as if it’s a bad thing. I think they were talking about cognitive bypassing though they didn’t use that term (maybe they didn’t want me to go away and research it like I do everything 😆 - seriously though, give me a puzzle I haven’t figured out, what do they expect that I do, go on with my life like it doesn’t exist? Just wait till the answer fall on to my lap?)
I think there is also some nuances of this experience that can be different for neurodivergent people like me as well. Honestly I don’t even know what to think because due to my upbringing I am trained to not feel or pay attention to my needs/urges etc, then I’m told that to not do so is a bad thing. Then I’m told as an adult that I’m autistic and we are like a dog with a treat puzzle when it comes to things that we don’t understand or doesn’t come naturally to us - we don’t understand inherently how it works but we can’t just leave it alone because it’s a puzzle we need to solve.
How then do we approach therapy with a new person who doesn’t know us from a bar of soap and we have almost 4 decades of trauma and significant experiences that made us who we are, including the parts that doesn’t serve us, other than to make an attempt at producing a sufficiently abridged version and to guess what would be key information for the therapist to know at that point in order to work with us? And when you’ve made so many attempts at finding the right therapist and repeating your story countless number of times, how can you stay emotionally connected with it without having a mental breakdown every time?
I would so love therapists to be able to give us enough time to say what we need to say and find our way of communicating with each other without pathologising or assuming that we are consciously getting in our own way of healing. I mean if we aren’t really committed to it, why would we bother seeking therapy in the first place, right? Then to give us sufficient guidance in the sessions to lead us to think about or share what would be help us connect sufficiently in order to participate in the therapy.
Excuse the waffle. Not sure if anyone will see this, but just wanted to say that I found this podcast to really resonate and helpful for me to not only try and understand my experiences, but to help me feel ok with how I navigate this journey.
Good waffle!
I think I can see where you're coming from, as someone who suspects I'm in some way neurodivergent. Always thought I was quite an open book & in tune with my emotions but time & talking to others has proved me wrong. Still trying to figure myself out, as a lot of people are, I suppose.
Have the experiences with your therapist/s commenting on your awareness & mindest happened after they became aware of your diagnosis?
I wonder if they were unaware or not well trained whether this had an impact on the way they interpteted your behaviour? Not to say you should be treated differently but a mutual awareness of the ways in which you process would likely facilitate the most productive discourse?
Can I ask, if you're happy to share, how have you found therapy overall? Is it something you still do? I've got 2 failed attempts behind me & wondering if I should try for third time lucky...
@@hannahmitchell87 I didn’t write the original post, but I too appreciated the waffle. I have had many false starts and some big wins in therapy. I eventually learned that I often knew, in a first consultation, that a therapist was not a good fit but I either didn’t recognize the clue or chose to ignore it for some reason. Sometimes I would still get a nugget or two during a “failed” therapy experience, then learn to “quit” and look for someone else. Over nearly fifty years of sorting through core traumas and ongoing ones, and following my one clear impulse to find help, I have put together a good structure of mental health that includes asking for help when I need it.
I hope you continue to look for someone who gets you, even to a fourth and fifth time and more-as many times as you need to feel better. You deserve to feel the best you can about your life. I wish you well on your journey.
@@kcarver0614 Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. They really mean a lot! Wishing you all the best too! 💜🖤💜
If you're not feeling them, they're not feelings.
I find it amusing that you guys believe there are emotions out there in space somewhere that should have been caught by you, but somehow escaped.
@@MrCmon113 Actually there are feelings people cannot access but nevertheless exist & impact them. As the Hansons discuss, there are moments of breakthru when people at last do tap into emotions that just sort of lingered there like background music for years...followed by immense relief and a letting go. I know for some people on the autism spectrum, crtn emotions can be almost impossible to access especially if they're anxious.
There's a paradox you're introducing, re: cognitive bypassing. Namely, a prescription you're offering is 'get in touch with your body', however, the brain IS part of your body. Knowing what your feeling and WHY you're feeling it is the integrated answer. Empathy has a cognitive component; understanding. To have self compassion, its necessary to understand your own situation. Cognitive bypassing is going to present itself as a part of coming into contact with those with disorganized attachment primarily, and with senseless forms of suffering secondarily. Therefore I don't think its an either/or dilemma, but rather a both/and issue.
Fantastic point. We're really making a distinction here between a "thinking-focused process" vs. a "feeling-focused process" as opposed to brain vs. body. But even then, thinking and feeling (as you say) are intimately wrapped up in each other.
The issues we're highlighting in this episode start to emerge when they aren't integrating, and the thinking is held separate from the feeling.
"Cognitive" deals with the mind as an entity. Of course, much of it is corporal (i.e. the brain), but there are also cognitions that exist outside our body.
Lovely, interesting and needed topic of conversation.
I love your recaps! It's definitely helps.
Thank you for your work 🙏🏾
So enjoyable to watch the respect and careful listening bw the father and son 🙏🏻
This was so refreshing! I am a psychologist myself and love/often refer to Rick's work.
The idea of "spiritual bypassing" (which is used similarly to how you used cognitive bypassing here) has always rubbed my the wrong way, but I've never been able to quite articulate why. I loved the reframe of cognitive bypassing, including the explanation that it can serve a purpose and that it is not necessarily a "bad" thing. I'm also a yoga and mindfulness teacher, so I'm pretty adept at both noticing my emotion and being in my body, and yet I don't think the simple admonition to "feel my feelings" is always a good thing!
Thanks for this and the other content that you offer. 🙏
I only got six minutes in and found myself shouting PANGLOSS at my phone 😂. Scared my poor cat! Candied is one of my all time favs!
Nice calm approach to understanding cognitive bypassing. Thanks.
I really appreciate your podcasts. The synergistic result of both your contributions to the discussion is so effective in exploring a topic. I love seeing a model of a healthy respectful parent/adult child relationship. I especially love Rick's humor ❤
Amazing discussion. Thank you so much.
Every turn this conversation took made me love it even more! & look forward to *CLOSING THE GESTALT* Thank you!
I love this great relationship and how it's a living vehicle for an exchange of ideas and discovery. Sooo great to bear witness to what love can do, for each other and a model to help other people. This is the best of humanity right here. So inspiring. More, more, more.
You two are so entertaining. I learn so much from both of you, and I am touched by the love and respect you show one another.
This is great. Thank you. Just listening for five minutes has helped me. I can't wait to listen to the rest of it.
I just love these dialogues. So rich. I miss my own dad when I see these two in conversation together.
Throughly enjoyable listen.
It is very evident that the two of you have a healthy adult father son relationship. Very nice to see. No power struggle whatsoever. Very respectful.
Great conversation, I love you guys--so cool!! I tell my friends Dr Rick is like my Mr Rogers : )
hahaha my partner has always said the same thing 😂
What he said about creativity around 56:07 reminds me of the quote: "Necessity is the mother of invention."
{Vision under constraints}
Some people, like myself, are more naturally creative, intuitive, problem solving... So are you saying that people can develop or "learn" creative thinking (& hopefully) mental flexibility or openness? In my experience most adults are set in their ways. Is there hope?
this is really really great. so really so good
This conversation is full of mind-blowing moments. 😮 Loved.
It's great to hear therapists talking about not interrupting a client in the midst of an emotional discharge of a distress pattern. Decades ago I found talk therapy mostly useless. I found re-evaluation counseling far more effective in contradicting and then not interrupting the emotional discharge of the distress pattern. But I could have used a heck of a lot more of it if I was going to wake up. A person in intense distress, depression, etc. needs a lot of deep, focused work to get the trauma out of the body. I was lucky to get what I got (probably saved me from suicide) but it wasn't enough for a profound breakthrough - and the family, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. are often next to useless and make matters worse labeling a person as a mental health case (bipolar, etc.) rather than consider the possibility of a spiritual crisis with a profound chance of awakening. Clinicians are all too quick to place an individual in a box and often do more harm than good.
As a current rigid person, I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
Another great episode. Thanks guys.
Excellent! Thank you so much for this very thorough and open hearted and open minded convo about this! ❤
Thank you! For talking about this, I really didn't get to radical acceptance until I felt it... but I had been able to talk about it and even categorize it accurately for years prior to actually feeling it, after feeling it in full, I quickly radically accepted it (a few days), and then I never wanted to talk about it again... It's just too tragic for everyday conversation now
I don't know if I'm feeling my feelings but I'm feeling the love between you guys ❤🙌🏼
Thanks
When this bypassing is experienced in solitude, it is totally right and not a problem. When you get into a relationship, and hide this characteristic upfront to your partner for them to find out, with very limited resources to manage, it is just an ugly nightmare, that has the potential to ruin even children's habits for emotional management , and mental health. Therapy perspective is one thing, but practical life is a very much different animal.
27:00 In regards externalizing and dialoguing with emotion, I'm reminded of a therapeutic technique in a book called 'How to Act' where you take an empty chair and imagine an antagonist sitting there, with whom you're supposed to berate and admonish for five or ten minutes.
Thank you so very much for these incredible insights. I personally struggle with the definition, or recognition, of 'positive' emotions. When I am asked if I am 'happy', I honestly struggle to understand that feeling. I can relate to anger, sadness, and 'numbness', but 'happiness ' eludes me. I always say I'm content, but is that 'happiness'? I have many years inside my head, which seems to be my personal prison.
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny- adorable moment, so glad you left it in😂
One deep root unearthed beats a thousand branches pruned. 🌳👁️💖✌️
Really interesting. Something that helps me, is summarizing my long monologues into a single word, for the core of the message. Then repeat it, helps me connect to the feeling that may be lost behind my thoughts.
Could you as a therapeute and psychologist perhaps do some information on the art or skill of listening?
I have been a cognitive by passer of high ranking, also dissociative. Often times i loose the person speaking to me and their message. Listening seems to come so natural to many, and seeing you and your dad, it truly seems as so between the two of you. Is true listening easy, and what does it mean to listen?
If you notice in a conversation most people aren’t really listening to what the other is saying but their minds are skipping ahead to what they are going to say….the answer to being a good listener is staying ‘Present’ (in the moment) and focus on that person(s) and what is actually being said without jumping in.
I'm a new listener so maybe you have explored this in the past but is not I encourage you to look into Art Therapy. It can be helpful with cognitive bypassing because even if you have difficulties articulating your emotions the art serves as a physical presence and evidence of those emotions and can be a way of tracking those feelings and how the evolve over time.
Good point about feeling your feelings! I definitely struggle with this
These podcasts are a gem. Well explained and appreciated the compassion around this topic. ❤
Thank you. I have been in therapy now for about 7 months. This explains me completely I had a narcissist mom and married a horrible man who abused me. So I decided to try therapy. And I can admit I was terrified and wanted to be free. She has said to me freedom can only happen when you feel your feeling. I said I don’t know what that means. She says you just need to feel. We tried some somatic work them emdr which I just couldn’t participate. She finally said I guess I cannot help you and said that we shouldn’t work together. How’s that for a person with abandonment issues. So I cried and she said oh good now you are feeling. It seems her goal is to make me sit until I cry. After listening to this I feel that her method is wrong either way me. But also feel hopeless that I can find any help. Sad for I do want t to be free.
I'm sorry you had that experience, it sounds awful. I had similar with my counselor but at least she was able to convince me that her empathy was genuine and she guided me towards recognizing, naming, and connecting my feelings and experiences.
It's still not easy for me. I've done deep dives for additional information outside our sessions, and came across the term "alexithymia": an inability or difficulty to identify one's feelings. There is a small percentage of the population for whom this is an actual impairment. It's (sort of) like having dyslexia, but the challenge is with feelings instead of with reading letters on a page.
I love the way you guys think. There was so much I resonated with in my own life, as a person who tends to be cognitively oriented but is working on more authentic and vulnerable self-expression. Thanks for doing what you do!
Relate so much to his statement at 22:00
Wow, guys....so many "aha!" and helpful moments from this particular episode. I want to express my thanks.
Very useful and hopeful discussion. Thank you !
Oh, yes, this is so familiar. for the longest time I did this all the time. I knew there was something wrong, painful going on with me, but I honestly could not access my feelings very well at all. And I was so confused about why, when I told people about terrible things that happened to me, but they had minimal reaction. After a while I began to understand that without expressing emotion others thought that I was fine. Many therapists thought I was fine because I was so eloquent and not bawling my eyes out. I was not fine. I was completely disassociated.
I find a lot of value in your chanel!!
Thank you and Rick very much ❤
Very interesting and entertaining explorations!! Thanks!
Al a long time retired clinical social worker I really appreciated this in depth discussion on the ins & outs of accessing emotions. Can you please repeat Illusions’ author? Thanks.
This changed my life. ❤️🙏🏼 THANK YOU.
7 Ways To Connect With Your Inner Self
1. Notice your innermost thoughts and feelings to change anything blocking TOTAL💯% self-acceptance.
2. Spend dedicated quiet time⏰ with God daily.
3. Create space🚀 to do things that are UPLIFTING for you.
4. Practice meditational prayer to ground and center your spirit🌬.
5. Be intentional about focusing attention on restorative people, places and things.
6. Spend time🧭 harnessing the power 🔋 of your level of consciousness, subconscious mind and in nature🏞.
7. Journal📝, express and release your negative emotions.
Wow. I never felt SO called out by a talk like this. Even then 'new age bypassing' - saying things like 'it must serve a good reason I don't see now' or 'It's just depending on your viewpoint, no one and no circumstance can make you feel anything unless you decide to feel like that (and therefore, just decide to not be upset!)' - that's me, to the point. I never saw it as a bad thing, I absolutely feel most of the feelings somewhere (and I believe I'm MUCH more sensitive and interpret things much worse than they are and get sad and hurt whenever there is the slightest chance of someone maaaybe having the intention to hurt me, even thought I know they don't, but if it doesn't feel safe to assume they actually have my best interest in mind or take me into consideration as much as I do for them - but they probably would never know because I always know it's not as deep as I feel it to be), but always believe my feelings aren't serving me in that situation at all and the best way to access solutions is with absolute rationality (which, to be honest, is often bent to kindaa passively include my feelings without talking about them because then they feel justified by facts and numbers). I've been fighting a lot with my new boyfriend, and whenever he says that something about the fight is making him sad, he's frustrated, he feels x or y, I interally get upset because it feels like a tactic: I think 'if I can put my emotions aside even thought I think they're justified by what you did for the sake of finding rational solutions, you surely can do that too, but since you're using your feelings right now, you must be using them as a cheatcode, bcause everyone knows you can't argue against someone just being sad and whiny and all you can do is to empathize with them and give in'. I honestly never know if the other is actually feeling like that or just using it when they talk about their feelings, and therefore, I don't talk about mine as much because I don't want to involuntarily win an argument or be treated differently just because I'm hurt. It's probably not like that at all lol. And I can see why my boyfriend is offended when I don't go 'aaww I'm so sorry it's okay', because to me, talking about my feeling is so hard and almost taboo, so the other person couldn't possibly have such an easy time doing it and must be lying. Ugh. A part of me knows I'm overanalyzing things and just not trusting in others nor in their caring to do anything about my feelings if I told them about them (after all, it's me who has to feel them, talking truly doesn't help me as much as others). And another part is like 'but what if it's actually right and in the end, you're just naive and get taken advantage of because you take emotion-based actions?'
Can I celebrate this revelation with you? Way to go facing yourself- that can be really hard! I hope you are able to observe the behavior of others around you and uncover who shares their feelings while respecting your needs, and who is trying to manipulate you by sharing feelings. I hope you can choose safe people and feel safe saying no when you need to set boundaries. Much luck!
@@EJtoU thank you so very much!! It really feels good to have someone say that, seriously :) I had a long talk with my boyfriend yesterday after fighting for a few days, and I noticed how very emotional he was and he was very desperate, crying and things like that. And I thought a lot about it today and how my reaction, even IF someone was just using feelings to manipulate, must hurt the other person because it's still a sign of not acknowledging/dismissing them, and he usually still tries to make steps towards me even if this might hurt him, and I know I wouldn't have the courage to do that in his position because I'd be way too scared of rejection. I actually wrote him a giant message tonight to simply thank him for the courage to be vulnerable and emotional and opening up about how he feels about me even when I reject him, and why I exactly do this (out of my own fear and a sense of doubting the intentions of others to stay safe), and that because he tries to be a better person and I want to notice my own reflexive but maladaptive thoughts that lead to bypassing emotions that are important. I'm pretty proud to have even sent that because it feels like there's now so much ground to be vulnerable myself. But I'd love to just make it more of a habit to trust a little bit more and not take every chance suspiciously if I know deep down they do mean well. Thank you again and have a great day!
I have a theory on why talk therapy, etc. is more effective for some and not so much others but it is based on astrology... Basically the elements, if someone has alot of air in their chart thought and talk is very effective, earth body work and connection to earth, water needs to feel those feels and of course water therapy (salt bath, hot springs, etc) fire meditation and yoga, really observing the initial feeling and trusting these 😇
You make a good point about dissociation in the moment and that leaving some only being able to report. Yeah Im sure it was terrible in the moment. But I dont have a sense of how I was feeling. For me, probably like Foo, I was busy trying to resolve the problem? Trying to move past it at least in my mind?
It’s a coping strategy, since connecting with the full force of the feeling at the time can be immobilising, and you need to get out of the unsafe situation. I see it as similar to our body’s ability to go into shock after something immediately traumatic, where one may not feel the crippling pain of breaking a limb or a gunshot wound, so that we can ride the adrenaline and get the f outta there. The healthy thing to do would be to process it after we get to safety, but for those of us that were never in a safe situation in childhood, we never get to stop and process it, to have a safe adult to help us make sense of it and put it behind us. So it becomes a journey of jumping from one frying pan into a boiling pot to another frying pan etc. Until we get so desensitised and disconnected from the trauma that we can’t touch it even when we want to. 😕
I really appreciate both of you guys. Great dialogue.