@@AnaRivera-u7v hope you can baby step your way into things. It does get easier, and if you can put in the work, it can help a lot of people. I wish everyone had the time and resources to really learn this kind of stuff
This…actually might explain why I tend to get extremely intense crushes on people that are unavailable but am very slow to warm up to people in an actual romantic context.
Same. If they actually like and care about me and their intentions are healthy, I am not interested. If they are emotionally unavailable or toxic, i am like a moth to a flame. Now I know this, I have to take opposite actions to the ones I feel.
I thought I was an extremely romantic person in a poetic way. Didn’t know my fantasy filled love was limerence and my childhood trauma is literally affecting everything
+1 to that poetic air you give to this obsession. Being so infatuated is most of the time reinforced by this notion of romantic love we've been sold ever since infancy by all kinds of media, and it only exacerbates our childhood traumas and our 'need' for our unmet needs to be met. I've wrongfully attributed love to what was just a limerent obsession with being thought-of as lovable, and not only have I been hurt, I've hurt people in the process. If only this was taught to us earlier, perhaps even "if only we didn't have to go through what we went on our childhoods", right? It's insane how a life can be controlled by the cravings of being loved back
@@androphobe it's nice to be aware of it! Don't blame yourself for it; from what i understand, even people who were never exposed to any romance media have come to feel this way about love (say, people in 2000BCE, lol). From Dorothy Tennov's "Love and Limerence" book, some people just *become* limerent, while others never show those behaviors regarding a romantic interest, and even find the thought of being so obsessed with someone else baffling; some, for instance, take most of poetry and romance novels/plays to be an exaggeration for the sake of exaggerating, not being able to relate to the experiences described within them. It certainly won't "cure" you, but reading that book was like reading my writings and thoughts over and over again, you might like it, although it's pretty old. *i'm not an expert on the topic, just another hurting person 😬
Limerence during my healing journey helped me discover how to feel self love. I realized the feelings I imagined coming from someone else were actually feelings of self love I was capable of giving to myself, and it’s the most rewarding type of love.
That’s an amazing realization, Amanda - thank you so much for sharing! That could be a great way to use the Limerence to heal and let go of it. I wonder if developing that healthy self-love would negate the need for limerent fantasies about others? Again, thank you for your insight ❤
i’ve come to the same realization recently! it’s just hard putting it into action because i always default to fantasizing about receiving that love from a partner (as opposed to myself)🥲🥲
Lower your voice! This is so embarrassing for me!!! 😂 I just realised every crush I’ve ever had was during a difficult time in my life and my obsession with them helped me get through those hard times. I never liked hot people for who they are, only liked them so they could save me. It’s so dark and twisted. But thank you for revealing that it’s just a pattern we are repeating. And it makes me feel better knowing if I make a genuine connection I can get different results.
Hey don't forget, this is a coping mechanism we developed at a time where it was integral for us to have because of a failure on the one's who raised us, not our fault! It's embarrassing and shameful for me too, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and I really hope no one here is doing that either
I've wasted so much time in limerence I'd seriously rather spend the entire rest of my life single, die alone, and get eaten by my cats than lose another moment in a pointless infatuation or dumping energy into another insecurely-attached person. Thank you. Awesome work as always!
yaaassss thank you so much for declaring this. i am disgusted so much already by it. if i never had another fantasy again i would sing from the mountains.
Exactly the way I feel! I am a limerant object for someone and he is one for me. I am letting the obsession and him go. I would rather be alone and be at peace than even have a sliver of hope of being with him. I am done!
@@jessicahandelman1993what you resist will persist. I have dealt with limerence as well. It mainly comes from toxic shame. To be disgusted by your fantasies is counterintuitive if you have decided that this issue needs to be resolved.
Uhhh, I don't think your cats should eat you!! 😂😂 Jokes aside, I understand how you feel about looking back and wishing you didn't waste this time. I hope and pray that you may have so many joyful days ahead free from this emotionally-draining pain.
I cant beleive we get thousand of dollars of university degrees and take tons of responsibility without getting those basic important information that allow us to just live
I would say,the most terrifying thing in life that could be heard,that government and parents give us all,but no one is mentions about the importance of the mental health and good-being
In school we learn enough to able to work, nobody cares a about mental health, or morality, or spirituality, or critical thinking or any other thing important. Capitalism gives us a mental illness that benefits capitalism. If we did intelligent and moral things it would interfere with making 💰🤑
This is 100% me when I am attracted to un-available people. They were always people I'd put on a pedestal and daydream about. I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years in this state disassociated from reality. And if anything in real-life came of it, it felt 100% shitty compared to my fantasy of them. That's how I started understanding that my fantasies were best kept in that realm and not acted upon. It was (and still can be) very soothing to be in the fantasy state. I also recognize it for what it is now. Thank you for saying that it's connected to shame. Yes. That and embarrassment were very associated with a lot of my life when I was young. I felt very alone in life. School was overwhelming, kids were mean and my emotional requests at home were denied.
@@gordo6908 I don't so much do what I did as a kid anymore. I know when I'm fantasizing and can snap myself out of it by removing the trigger (ie. The last person I was fantasizing about was a musician so I would listen to his music and that was the launching pad ) and by focusing on my own life instead. I went through a long period of being attracted to un-available people (and still am) but recognize the tell tale feeling of that kind of relationship (half of it is made up in my mind) - which initially feels like cloud nine but there is an undercurrent of always wanting more and never getting it and feeling bad. I just don't allow myself to engage with people that will trigger me like that anymore. I'm at a point where I know no one can make me feel good about myself or improve my life. And, honestly, understanding that has taken a lot of the fantasy away. Making lots of mistakes and taking notes about my feelings are what have shown me the way. And also, doing a lot of self-help work so that I understand myself as best as I can....If you're watching this video you're already doing the work.
@@Cranberries87 You might need it. Keep inquiring and things will shift at some point. My limerance gave me a reason to get up in the morning. It probably saved my life.
but where do i go with that? 😟 i recognize it is happening, and i can choose to not engage in the fantasies, but it still feels like i am overly fixated on them. does it ever go away?
@@justadream6650I think it's like you realise it once, and you stop for a while and understand some things about yourself and learn to deal with /love that part of you. And then again after some time something else gains your attention and becomes your limerant object, and soon you realise your pattern and again become aware of your limerance, and stop for awhile or self regulate. Each time you are able to see your patterns quicker because you've begun to understand your patterns better and can bring about small changes in yourself so as to live in reality more. Until you actually begin to love yourself truly, then you won't find the joy in limerance but in real people
1. Intense fear of reality intruding on fantasy (afraid to find out "bad" facts about limerent object?) 2. Significant periods of more and less limerence (notice during stressful times?) 3. Only feel whole in limerent fantasy vs reality (self image affected by toxic shame IRL, very idealized version of self in fantasy) 4. Prefer thinking about L.O. rather than actual interaction. Build fantasy world to extreme with it. Anxiety with them as well. 5. Romantic fixation serving replacement for unmet needs. Toxic shame. Fear of rejection for needs.
I'm in the middle of recovery.... I got to a point where 1 I don't have fear of reality intruding on fantasy but I desperately look for it to stop these sick limerence fantasies.I actually desperately look for pieces of reality that will destroy the FANTASY and take great relief from it.its like a game or a personal challenge now...the sooner I find that specific ick between me and this person the better. charaterstics about these people that I find ridicolous /disgusting or unacceptable according to my standards. you can always find them if you look carefully .something that destroy the "dream" in a instant. it can be something small.....but ....it HELPS and I promise you you will find that ICK. 2 During my recent super bad limerence case I didnt stop/pause MY REAL INTERACTIONS and I dated and experiment in reality with emotionally available people, maybe I DONT like these people that much but at the same time...I made sure I had often a reality and experimented and lived interactions in REAL LIFE not only fantasies (not only sex ....they were potential sentimental stories).IT HELPS A LOT specially when limerence gets out of control.PS: in this special case I believe is important being honest with all the people you are dating and not lying...since day 1 I said to this guy "you must be patient Im the middle of forgetting a person I had a crush on but I know now I dont love him " .
"very idealized version of self in fantasy" - this idea just changed everything for me. me turning into this idealized version of who i am that is mimicking that other person, to make myself feel better ab who i am instead of confronting the scarier reality of helping myself. i just realized why thats probably why i got so limerent for some people. they gave me a fantasy version of myself bc i wanted to be anything but my actual self.
Number 3 and number 5 are massive for me. Had a setback with a woman I liked recently (realistically had quite a bit of limerance and had reality intrude on that a bit!)
MIND = BLOWN. All my life when I thought it was love, IT WAS LIMERENCE. I never knew such a term even existed until now. This is so mind-blowing that I'm currently sitting on the floor rethinking all the occurrences of it in my life and MAN, I NEED A DAY OR TWO TO JUST PROCESS THIS
I just learned what limerence is yesterday. I've struggled with maladaptive daydreaming, falling in love with the idea of someone, and just living in my own little fantasy world in general. It's only now that I've decided to start living IN reality. Although limerence has been an unhealthy way of coping, it's also showing me that I can use my imagination to comfort myself in a healthy way. My imagination can be used to my advantage. Recently, I've started imagining a "motherly" version of myself that comforts me when I'm feeling sad, anxious, or lonely. Through interacting with this fantasy version with myself, I'm able to release pent up emotions, get my feelings validated, and take physical steps to help myself feel better.
That's an awesome solution to this. I have fought to call this thing I do "maladaptive daydreaming" because it's caused me to be so imaginative and creative in life in other ways too. But what if you meet someone else that has these sorts of self-regulating fantasies? Maybe it could become a real relationship if you shared your thoughts with each other?
i have been using Maladaptive Daydreaming associated with Limerance for a looooooong time to self regulate. Like, I will fantasize about having relationships with famous people I've developed a parasocial relationship with or just ordinary people in my life that are not available at all. Funny thing is that, in my fantasies, the other person in the relationship is not even me. I use someone else's body, like another person I think its more attractive or more interesting than me to build this whole story and live it in my head where the object of my limerance falls in love with them (me). I have known for quite a while that this is not healthy, but its stronger than me, I cant explain it. It has robbed me a lot of time and experiences, thats for sure. And at least now I am able to catch myself when I am falling into one those rabbit holes. And I am more aware of what triggers it (boredom, moments of insecurity with some aspects of myself, intense feelings that make me wanna dissociate...) and I feel like its getting less frequent. Still, its not something I feel comfortable talking about with anyone in my life bc honestly, I dont think they would understand at all. Bc it basically comes down to me prefering to live through other people in my head than just inhabiting my own being and living my own life. And although it helps knowing I am not the only one and that there are people out there going through something similar, there is still a lot of shame associated with this for me. Which makes me wanna dissociate all over again. It really is a vicious cycle.
I do this as well although it's another version/a fantasy version of me playing the role rather than someone else. It can be depressing to awaken from this daydream and have to confront the realities of an ageing body and flailing hopes for life. When i was younger i found it inspiring and motivating to become more like the 'me' i had imagined, but now that just seems like a stretch! It used to feel helpful, now it feels harmful... I think it is a very normal phenomenon - you see it represented in films and books, fairy-tales and fandom - and is why we even have the term 'parasocial relationship' - but it's not usually a socially acceptable thing to admit to, so kudos for being open about it here! 😊
I share the absolute same experience, with daydreaming about a love life, that is so far from my own reality. Have been daydreaming since I can remember, it's one of my core soothing/coping mechanism. Especially in combination with music, making it more emotional and dramatic. I listen to music all the time, I start to daydream immediately. There were times when the daydreaming was almost gone, it was usually when I felt happy and relatively secure in my romantic relationship. Because that's when I got to live out some of those fantasies. But reality has crushed upon me several times, making me go back to daydreaming. When I imagine myself in that idealized way, I somehow just crave validation, admiration and intimacy to get a feeling of security. All this daydreaming stems from the desire to feel safe and loved, because one was deprived of it, the brain developed its way to cope and self-regulate through false fulfillment of such strong needs. I now realize that this pattern has put a huge toll on a current relationship, because I would jump into the whole romance/drama, hoping I would now finally get my fairytale love story, when in reality it was far from that. It's just a huge experience to go through basically your whole life. To be honest, even though I know where it stems from and what it's function is, I still like to escape into daydreams, it's still soothes me for a short while, when nobody and nothing else can. I feel like life passes me by. Like I am living in two worlds. But it's important to understand that it is simply a way your brain has developed. We are humans who have a hard time in this world. The only solution is working on you self worth, working on becoming more like the person that you fantasize about (it's not about looks - it's about the confidence and overall security that makes out your fantasy and that you should aim for). When you become secure and content with your surrounding, you will daydream less. I believe everyone will eventually meet their fairytale-person and get to live their dream. Until then - you can only accept that it is a clingy habit because reality seems so unfulfilling. It's a hard journey until to really develop a strong self-worth, it's really not easy. I feel deeply with every other daydreamer out there. Truth is, you are all far more precious and lovable than you think. Never be hard on yourself, it's not easy to be a human, and we do our best.
Okay I’m now starting to better understand my constant obsessions and limerence since childhood. I grew up in a very unstable and toxic environment and I always had this overwhelming urge to be “saved” and chosen and loved. And to have that epic “once in a lifetime” love story, true soulmate, my other half…Someone formidable and important who would validate me and make me feel worthy, seen and accepted. Compared to the novels I was reading and my fantasies about people, connections in reality with real people always fell short and felt disappointing and bleak in comparison. I was really sad once I’ve realized that I will most likely never meet a person that can give me all that and that it’s an inner problem that I have to resolve myself. That put a lot of pressure and responsibility on myself and I am still struggling with it. Even though it’s better now and I am married to a good man I still have this gaping hole in my chest yearning for something or someone important missing in my life for me to feel truly happy. I care and love my husband but it’s not the type of love I have always imagined to have. This is going to sound really bad but it seems like I am still subconsciously hoping that maybe, just maybe, I will meet my true soulmate one day and that it will all make sense in the end. Does anyone else struggle with something similar? I’ve spoken with people in my inner circle and no one else seems to understand what I’m talking about nor feels the same.
@@theskyizblue2day431 And I can’t believe that you as a Christian who believes in God judge and shame others like that steering them further away from God. I never said I don’t love him, I just said it’s not the type of love I read about, imagined and wanted, which probably doesn’t even exist in reality but only in novels and movies. And I am confused about this feeling cuz I don’t know what it is and I’m not sure it’s God like you claim.
I relate to you. Sometimes I don’t even know if it’s a person I’m missing or an environment. I think it might just be a feeling of truly belonging I yearn for. I don’t know if it can ever happen, but at least you are not alone with this strange feeling💛
I totally understand. Thank you for putting my own thoughts and feelings into words. I always felt so alone and horrible for such thoughts but knowing I'm not the only one is relieving.
I always knew I did this, but I also always felt very ashamed and embarrassed by it. I’ve gone through a lot of lonely and traumatic events in my life and there were many times where the only way I could cope was by imagining a crush liking me back and wanting to spend every waking moment with me somewhere away from where I was in that moment. Hearing you talk about this in a non-judgmental way helps me accept that part of myself more so that I can start to work on recognizing it and developing healthier coping strategies.
I honestly thought just me did this, to a “T”!!!!!! Whhhaaaattttt you do this too?????? I am always wanting to run away to a beautiful, magical place, with someone who loves me, has fun with me, all the good things…
This used to happen to me all the time, as an insecure and anxious person I would fall for emotionally unavailable but somewhat flirty and friendly people who were easy-going enough to befriend me, creating an ideal version in my mind that has all the characteristics that I would actually want to have in a partner or in myself. Them being easy-going would help me support these unrealistic fantasies. Then I would have daydreaming sessions before I sleep, or even during school or work. It would typically last 2-3 months, but could last much longer if I kept seeing the person often due to working at the same place etc and I didn't have someone more interesting around me to replace them with. Only in one of these cases I actually noticed that person was also somewhat into me, and we got a little bit intimate, but it was clear it wouldn't work. His attitude afterwards destroyed my fantasies and I realized that he was actually a very immature and emotionally distant person that only wanted to take whatever he can from others, terrible at let alone expressing his emotions but understanding them himself. He only had a shiny facade, and who he is inside was far away from my fantasies making him out to be something perfect. He was a normal human being that needed some therapy himself lol. This made me question my previous crushes that I had throughout my life, and noticed none of them were love. NONE. There was no shared experience beyond very basic interactions (which ironically made me experience extreme emotions and physical symptoms), and it took me actually experiencing something with that fantasy object once to realize I was only fooling myself by creating something in my mind that validated my existence and made me feel something inside. Some time later, I met someone. I wasn't at an all-time-low, I wasn't even looking for a relationship. And for the first time in my life, I was not extremely nervous or in an heightened physical state before or during a potentially "romantic" encounter. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to see them again, unlike an encounter with a person I glorified in my mind based on nothing which would make me tremble and daydream for days. I realize that's why my relationship with that person I met later and went out on a second and then a third date only thinking "he's cool I guess" is the most satisfying and secure relationship I've ever had. Because the bond we have now did not come from having met someone at a low point in my life when I needed something to hold on to whether it is somewhat real or imagined, but rather grew as we had REAL shared experience and TRULY liked each other in time. I liked their looks, their personality, their humor and there was not a place for detailed fantasies or daydreaming, because what I needed and what I wanted was already there. If you are a chronic limerent like me and are hopeless, that is how you'll know if it is real.
Thanks for sharing this. I just went through a breakup with someone that was similar to your second example of a healthy relationship and I have been second guessing if besides him cheating it was laso my fault that I never got this glorified feeling of falling in love. I was never quite sure if I was ok because of the lack of impact emotionally 😅 and I loved him right, but you know what I mean. I was sad nad anxious I have something wrong and will never met someone who truly loves me but this video and these comments are like such a relief to me cause it feels like, hey "you're not entirely delusional but you kinda are everything will be ok sis"😂 thanks again for sharing your side because it's exactly the same for me the same two relationships and everything. Sending good vibes❤
thank you for sharing this. I recently learned what I’ve been struggling with has a name and thought I was rare. I feel less like a freak now and more comforted ❤
Watching this video, my whole body is filling with rage. Not because Heidi is wrong, but because it makes me realise how much emotional abuse & neglect I really went through, and how much very few people knew or even really cared. I appreciate the knowledge, though.
right, it irritates me so much to think how little my parents thought or cared of how their words would've affected me in the long run and now I have to deal with the consequences. I guess it wasn't their intention but still, it messed me up and now i have to undo years worth of damage because of their lack of consideration🥲
I wouldn't date my biggest high school crush, because I didn't want to shatter the fantasy I'd built around her, and I thought I would only bring her down anyway. (Honestly, I was probably right about that) I took her to prom, and then promptly distanced myself. I thought it was so selfless and romantic if me. I didn't know it was a maladaptive coping mechanism. I didn't know it would be the cause of so much pain and loneliness in the future.
One of the first explanations I’ve found that frames limerence as a tool, and not even necessarily a negative one, and identifies the purpose it serves which really presents it in a neutral light. I think that’s so important for actually overcoming any maladaptive consequences, especially since people who struggle with it struggle *because* of shame, so framing it negatively makes you feel shame, and pushes you further into it! Bravo
After my best friend died, I found this guy online and would listen to his music. I became “obsessed” with him and would constantly check up on his socials and it was weird but he was such a comfort to me. I realize now he was the person I needed because I was all alone and in a very complex situation where I didn’t have anyone to talk to about the grief. It sounds so pathetic but I get it. He doesn’t know I exist. We don’t have a real relationship. I would never contact him or do anything weird. But being able to disassociate saved me. One day though you will have to come back to reality and a fake made up relationship in your head can’t substitute for real connection. I’m trying to date and get back out there. I’m trying to make more friends. It does help. I appreciate these videos cuz they help me know I’m not alone and this was just a maladaptive way my brain tried to help me escape a really hard situation.
I’m a childhood trauma survivor and I’ve had this 7 year long limerence with a boy that I had a short but intense romance with. This is the first time I’ve understood my obsession. I’m ready to change and heal now. Thank you. ❤
im 20 about to be 21 and i've been doing this since i was 10, i identified my toxic shame years ago and identified my "addiction to crushes" recently. this is my first time realizing how connected they are. i feel guilty for even being alive, and i fantasize about a person i admire seeing the whole me and accepting it all. after an isolating move to a new city and very heavy family issues i've had a new record of crushes and subsequent rejections. it still feels better to fantasize about them than to accept that they don't want to be with me, but i'm realizing that's not what i needed to begin with. i'm trying to love myself the way i want to be loved. i wish everyone who watched this video luck in their journey to do the same. we're all worthy despite what we may believe :)
i am so sorry you've been through all of this. it's incredible that you've so clearly identified the cause of your limerence as that self-introspection is so difficult but so important. i wish you the best of luck in healing and learning to love yourself completely as you are absolutely worthy of being alive and being loved. btw, happy birthday in advance!
hy andrea, please do check out the channel of "following Fenna". * She is a coach and wanted to publish on youtube about topics like burn-out and a bit about limerance (as a recovered limerant), but she is fairly new to being a youtuber. The response about her limerance videos was intense, so she started to concentrate on providing content on that issue. Also: her videos are usually short while hitting home. You notice she has been through through episodes of being addicted to a person (and her phantasies about them and the relationship she might be able to have). Moreover she has been coaching people that suffer from limerance. Many youtubers try to make the video longer than 10 minutes (is better for ad revenue or maybe for the algorithm). With Fenna's video: how long it may take to cover a certain aspect - and that is often 5 minutes or 8 - 10 at the max. While giving a lot of food for thought in each short video. * She is Dutch has a funny English accent. The first video I saw from her she tried to use irony to drive her point home and maybe she was still nervous, so her voice was quite high. fortunately that is not her natural voice. (I was captivated by the content, but resorted to reading the transcript with that particular video) I guess the one video she may have been a bit nervous, still being new to being a presenter on youtube. Anyway: do not let yourself be distracted if you happen to come accross a video where her voice grates you. you can always use the transcript. And in the other vids I binge watched so far she uses her natural voice (which is lower and more pleasant to listen to). The content will soon override any vocal preferences.
Another thing you can try out is meridian tapping (EFT) to take off the edge of the longing, pain, shame. Dawson Church is a trainer that has free information on his website. And an archive with examples of people solving their problems. Of course there are also practicioners and psychotherapists (which have meridian tapping in their tool box). But it is also a self help / first aid tool for lay persons.
@18:08 is gold. I was in a limerant state, and actually got into a relationship with the person I was limerant with. After I had shown my flaws to them and had been vulnerable (as well as somewhat anxiously attached) they rejected me, and it was the most painful breakups I'll ever experience, because I had deemed that person "worthy enough to validate me". Pretty messed up right? It was rough. I didn't really realize I was limerant in the relationship, it was mostly after it ended, but how I handled the breakup lead to more toxic shame that just strengthened the limerant connection. Despite all the suffering it caused and victim mentality I got stuck in, it has taught me a lot about myself and caused me to take a more serious look into this. I knew about limerance before and knew I had an episode of it once, but this was the final straw. Putting people on a pedistal, being limerant, having rose colored glasses, whatever you want to call it, is toxic and a recipie for disaster. I thought I might be covert narcissist because I was so caught up in shame and realizing how much validation I was seeking, that's how bad it got. When my limerant person rejected me, I projected a lot of insecurities onto them, and it basically destroyed any possibility for peaceful shared community for a while. However I think thats finally now in the past and in a healthy place. I share all this just to emphasize how important it is to work through these things, otherwise you'll really end up hurting yourself and others 🙏🏻
Matt, my wife left me for LO divorced me and has since moved in with him, never saw any of this coming. Did you do the same yourself like move in with you LO Thanks
"Putting people on a pedestal", "having rose colored glasses" and such is viable when the person is worthy of it and one works on making her/his surroundings ideal.
Did you manage to form a healthy connection with the person ?hat caused your limerence? Im stuck in a loop with my roommate, somehow im really scared of letting go and perhaps realizing she doesn't mean anything to me after all... She's been there for me so many times, I'd feel so guilty if all of my affection turned out to be fake.. so messed up.
This rings true, the worst I ever engaged in this was when I was in an abusive relationship. I used to fantasise about people I knew from years before who had been kind. I hadn't seen them for years. It makes so much sense what you say because the thoughts I was lost in when I closed my eyes were comforting.
Looking at limerence as magic pixie dust that I have sprinkled on the crap of my life is just what I needed to hear. Thank you for the information and the laughs. ❤
I find limerence genuinely distressing and lonely. I’ve found myself fantasizing about a person so much that I complete misunderstand the actual relationship. I feel like I’ve given myself memories with a person that never really existed. I’m currently going through it with a friend who lives a few hours away. He’s expressed how dating wouldn’t work, but I still plan visits with him, and then delve into the fantasy of us progressing our relationship. My day can go from ok to bad to great with just a simple text from him. Anything that isn’t complete enthusiasm is rejection for me. I feel incredibly socially and romantically weak. The rest of my life feels neglected.
ths person you imagined is real but given that you're shy, it might be hard to find. however, don't act the opposite way just to please people who aren't worth your time or will never be worth your time. easy to find repose in daydreaming when you spent time in isolation, right? I can't relate to this any longer. I do daydream about someone and I might've used all the cards on my deck to get to be with her but few. After everything I've done and would do, why would I keep going further? Because I love her and I'm obsessed? Hahah, for sure, I'll go even further. Even if it hurts.
I understand that as I went through that with my best guy friend for five years. I say just accept it the way it is. It could change it could not. Romanticizing it doesn't help. I put myself through needless suffering and now we do happen to be in a relationship and put the relationship through needless suffering due to my fantasizing and romanticizing what the relationship should look like instead of taking the highs with the lows. I also struggled with my self worth being wrapped up in the relationship or desire for one. It's an awful hell for sure
Wow, I’ve been on a healing journey and recently developed a crush on someone and have been fantasizing like crazy. This is the first time I’ve been so self aware of it. Discovering that it’s limerence is eye opening. Like damn I thought I was doing well with healing but I’m constantly being humbled by how much more I have to heal. Also reading these comments is so lovely and makes me feel less alone. ❤
I’m separating from my partner and already feel limerence building with a couple people. I’m very thankful for this video to remind me to construct healthy relationships.
This was suggested by the algorithm. And clearly, I've been using this "limerence" since I was in my teens, & now in my 40's, to comfort myself. For something, which was unknown to me, it is exactly what I've been doing. Thank you for making this video ❤
This explains so much about a person who expressed feeling limerence towards me even though we had not even had an in-person conversation prior. They projected their ideal onto me instead of respecting my actual needs and boundaries - making persistent unwanted advances. The behaviour was very self-centred, and it left me feeling exploited and objectified. I certainly got the sense that this person’s intense feelings for me wasn’t really about Me - but I did not have the words to place it. Thank you for this video. I wish i had it back then as it really would have helped me understand what was happening
Just want to say Heidi, you're bloody brilliant. Your ability to discern very nuanced aspects of mental health in a balanced and articulate manner is unparalleled.
I'm a little scared that RUclips knew to recommend this to me, but also incredibly grateful. I knew just from the title that this was going to speak to experiences in my life, because for me there has been some awareness that it was something I did to soothe and regulate. Still, having this more precise understanding is going to help me break the habit, I'm sure. Thank you so much for this video. Wow.
This video was THE ONE. I intellectually knew I was doing this but it just cracked the situation open enough for me to see it in the light and LET IT GO. Thank you 🙏🏽
It can feel super hard to even watch videos with titles like this because the fear of releasing something significant, and even identity-sourcing. If anyone reading feels that way let me encourage you there's NOTHING to fear in this video. I had it as open tab for about four days, avoiding and avoiding. The journey she takes you on is actually super comfortable and relaxing, totally the opposite of the anxiety-triggering I thought it would be. Heidi makes it really clear that there's ZERO shame in limerence as she explains that it develops from highly adaptive strategies. I feel tons of shame and fear even discussing this problem because most of my friends know the person I have it with, and even the ones who don't I don't want to look like a childish loser in front of. Not only are you okay for having this, you got yourself out of shitty situations by inventing it, and as humans do we take the tool that worked once and use it everywhere. It amazed me to see the link between this and toxic shame, a phrase that on the surface doesn't make much sense but whose specific definition I 100% relate to which is the ongoing, pretty much constant feeling bad simply about who I am, like guilt for existing at all. Limerence relives this pain but a stiff drink also relieves sadness, doesn't mean it's a good idea over the long term! This part's for the men: if this "toxic shame" concept lands for you, get the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. Not just reading, there's non-stop exercises/practices (that'll challenge you! no pain no gain baby) to actually work through the issues not just intellectualize solutions. I've never encountered ANYTHING that so accurately articulated the pains I feel daily and helped me understand + evolve through them. And I'm someone who had an extremely comfortable, easy childhood with parents who loved each other. Sometimes, this shit just happens to you for whatever reason; the reasons don't matter all that matters is that you/I work on yourself/myself. I keep a copy of the PDF on the desktop of every computer I use, even my work PC. Here's to love & goodness y'all.
Gen-X may have lacked the language to understand what exactly was going on, but we did have R.E.M. to help us feel seen. "That's me in the corner/That's me in the spotlight/Losing my religion...Oh no, I've said too much/I haven't said enough..." Watching this video really brought that song (and how I used to listen to it over and over in the 90s) to mind. I felt like only Michael Stipe knew what it was like to be me. Thank god for the evolution of psychology and the Interwebz!
The only way I got over limerence was becoming aware that I used it during times of stress as a way to escape, then distancing myself from the object of limerence. Then to make it less severe with the next person I made sure to set standards so that I question who the person really is and if they can meet them.
Wow this is me to a T. I've always struggled forming relationships and this has caused a deep anguish in my life, which I now realize I try to alleviate through limerance. As I watch my friends progress with their life, form relationships, marry, have kids and so on, it's like my life stays the same and it's unbearable . So I spiral into this never ending cycle of limerance and toxic shame. The trauma from this is so heavy there are times I almost collapse to the floor, the sudden realization that I obviously don't mean shit, or else someone would have chosen me by now. But this desperation is turning into frustration and anger, and I feel something shaking inside of me, longing to burst forth and be free, and I truly believe that God's going to take this grief and trauma and turn it into something awe inspiring and astounding and it all begins with self love. a shout out to all this experiencing this, it is not easy. Just know that there is love out there once you find you authentic selves and find self love.
8:57 Yeah, the periods where I most fantasized about romance were when I was at my worst: When I realized my career was not what I wanted to study and I felt so anxious, I isolated myself. Also on my teen years when I didn't had many friends. Those were also the periods when I touched myself excessively, it was related to the romantic fantasies too.
Damn, Heidi! Where were you when I was in my 20s? This hit HARD. I went through months where it felt like my romantic fantasies were all that kept me breathing, and the alternatives were unfathomable or too terrible to be considered.😅 Fantastic video! Thank you for breaking down this topic so beautifully, and with such empathy.
Welp. This video changed my life. And watching it during Venus retrograde! I loved your point about our maladaptive habits once being adaptive. Instead of being angry at myself for doing this all my life, I should have compassion on the child who had to use her imagination to feel loved.
This is a brilliant, beautifully articulated video! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽Limerence was an emotional survival technique for me for years. Until I finally realized that any inclination to engage in limerant behavior is an indication of an unmeet need within myself (in my case, the need to be seen and heard). When I started meeting the need through meditation, journaling, being in nature, etc; the limerence began to decrease/cease.
Limerance caught my attention so I just read a medical journal article about it. 😮 wow! This describes me so well. I’ve been healing my “love addiction” for a few years now but limerence hits the nail on the head. Wow I’m shook
Learning about Limerence has been super eye-opening for me. I never even knew the word existed until about a year ago. Im 36, and feel I've been doing this my entire life. I'm especiallu caught up in it right now and it's making me feel super uneasy. Watching this video makes me want to cry for my childhood self. I don't rememeber too much of my childhood. Other than it was devoid of love and emotional support. What happened to me to develop this coping mechanism? To prefer to live in fantasy rather than real love? What is real love? Makes me sad.
you’re amazing but i’m laughing cause i’m literally romantic maladaptive daydreaming as i watch this , it brings me so much comfort. thanks for sharing your work.
Limerence rears it's head when one is low in serotonin. So if i'm limerence, i immedietely realise i'm simply low in serotonin, I take myo-inositol (night) or methelene blue (day)and it goes away.
I’m speechless, I wish I could hear this when I was in my 20’s , I can even remember when it started I remember when I was a little girl every time something hard happened to me I was going to my fantasy world I even can remember when all children was fighting to not go to bed early me it was the moment I was looking forward because I knew I would have all this fantasy world and that I would feel good
0:00 Welcome to the Channel 0:22 The concept of (Adaptive) Limerence 1:39 Co-regulation vs Self-regulation 3:19 Limerence as a Self-regulating Adaptation 4:58 Sign #1: You have an intense fear of reality intruding upon your fantasy world. 7:52 Sign #2: You go through periods of being significantly more or less limerent. 10:04 Sign #3: You feel whole and complete in your fantasies but not in real life. 13:54 Sign #4: You enjoy reflecting on your interactions with the limerent object more than you enjoy having them. 16:38 Sign #5: Romantic fixation is serving as a replacement for true connection & intimacy. 19:38 Ressources 20:36: Conclusion
Thank you.. I hoped this was limerence so I could tell myself to shut up, but now I feel like I’m running away from the fact that this actually is a complicated situation that I’m not making up… sigh
Heidi, this is life-changing content. As someone who feels like the poster child for C-PTSD, I'm so grateful you're out here drawing these connections for us with such an informative and caring tone.
When I was in college I followed this couple on social media and pretended I was the feminine so that I could cope with college and being lonely… realizing that am limerant when I’m extremely busy and can’t have a real relationship, I stay in this space even when the relationship is over and lingers for months or years..I avoid relationships all together because I don’t want to get my heart broken, I feel like I won’t be accepted.
Yes, I'm very prone to limerence. I've recently started thinking it's due to my mom telling me how people don't/ won't like me. So I imagine people accepting the me that I wish I were, which is more extroverted, flirty, etc. Unfortunately, I've never been in a real romantic relationship or have not dated for a significant amount of time (dating is weird tbh). I've been diagnosed with ADHD and think I am more demisexual in terms of how feelings develop for me. But because the reality of actual men is pretty negative and since my anxiety is bad as a single woman, I'm coming to terms that it probably will my lifelong status.
I have only felt truly seen a handful of times in my life, it's so so rare, I guess cause I'm autistic so most people don't get me or relate to me or my struggles, but being truly seen and understood is probably the deepest craving and longing I have in my life and it's so heavy to carry
I’ve had this in my “watch later” for months because I knew this would apply to me but I wasn’t ready to hear it then. I guess that shows how deep in this i was. I’m still not really sure what caused me to fall into limerence again this last time but it’s such a relief to know more about what was going on for me so I can try to have some more functional connections and self-soothing mechanisms going forward. This last bout of limerence had me so messed up in every aspect of life, or maybe i was limerent because life was messed up. Anyway this is all just to say I deeply deeply appreciate this video and how you normalize and name these patterns so we can work to break them.
Thank you, Heidi. I'm dealing with a very painful and heart-wrenching breakup and this video helped me realize that I was definitely limerent in how I related to my former partner. There were other factors at play, to be sure, but from my current perspective (i.e.: after the epiphany brought on by your explanation of how limerence can manifest in a relationship) I can't deny that I was absolutely relying on the fantasy of the relationship I built up in my head, as opposed to what the relationship itself actually was. Being able to name and address the behaviors associated with limerence will help me have better future relationships. Thank you so much.
That was 100% me especially in my teenage years. Every crush I had, real or not, was my way to cope with life. I would go from crush to crush just get that feeling of “being in love”. I finally broke that pattern with my current bf when I started dating because I genuinely thought we had a certain potential. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviours and beliefs to understand what was going on and how to make the difference between the two😅
this is a very pertinent issue for me. i experienced a lot of abandonment and loss from a young age and frequently self soothe through fantasy. started relatively innocent (I used to just have fantasies about animated characters) and then as I developed it transitioned into real people which was super jarring. I still struggle to this day, but have made attempts to expose myself to these connections in order to gauge my own reactions. I love what you said about THANKING myself because that’s truly what it was! how else was I supposed to get the love and care I needed? now i’ve got an incredible sense of creativity and imagination. it’s just come at such an unfortunate cost.
Same here. One of my limerent fantasies about fictional characters was so good I decided to write it down. It's been helping me write a metaphor about my child abuse and make sense of it - and writing peers really love the story!
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
I had episodes of limerence since I was a teenager, and I guess I didn't understand how unhealthy all that was. But in the last episode I knew I had some problem, because I felt really desperate, as if I couldn't control my mind any more. Maybe this is one of the worst experiences one can have: to feel like one can't control his own mind... an obsession out of control. I even didn't want to ever fall in love after that, because I didn't want to lose control over my mind ever again. Since I learned about limerence I can finally understand the nightmares I went through.
this is me! people would see as weird the fact that i was more invested with my crushes during exam periods, but for me was super necessary to be able to disconnect a bit from my reality 😅
You have by far the best information on dealing with the reality of childhood traumas. It takes alot of work to become mentally balanced in reality but its so worth it in the long run 🙏💖
This is such an excellent discussion of Limerance. I read the Dorothy Tannov book because I had fallen into limerance with a friend. Your discussion is extremely helpful.
its crazy that all of this actually has a name and even a reason! Instead of feeling ashamed for being too obsessive, I am eventually feeling compassion for myself and can see how necessary it was for me to be so all my life! Thank you! It is interesting to see that currently I have someone being interested in seeing and getting to know me and someone that is only interested in keeping a surface-level, physical relationship and of course i have limerence towards the second one while I dont even want to see the first one because the intimacy in my head is way less scary than the one that could actually develop in real life.
I developed limerence in childhood as a way to experience healthy love and sexuality because I've been sexually abused, so in my head I have this man that keeps me safe while the men in my life are abusing me. I am an adult now and I use it to self regulate when I need human connection which I don't have access to, my history of SA actually got me bullied as an adult and pushed the people that might have gotten close to me away because I was excluded and made fun of. So now I really use it and I have always been aware I use it as a substitute for intimacy. I also use it in order to explore my toxic shame in my mind as well because I really cringe at how perfect I imagine myself to be with this person that doesn't exist and sometimes it gets pretty toxic because I get mad at this fictional man for liking me and I cry for 2 days. I really should stop doing that, it's like I am trying to prevent myself from thinking I am good and deserving of love in order not to expect it in real life. I realised I get really scared when I use a person from real life in my limerence mistaking it for actual interest and being ashamed that I even think I could be with that person, when it's in fact my mind trying to get some tenderness from real life as well after I've bullied my imaginary friend into not liking me. My problem with toxic shame is I don't expect any person, let alone a man to understand my SA history, and I don't expect them to soothe that in me and be gentle. In my mind if I cannot be SA free then I am not a healthy person and I cannot put another person in a position to deal with that. Yes, rationally I know I am deserving of love but I don't know, from a parent, from a friend, not romantically, I cannot expect that from someone. The irony is I've survived rape multiple times, I was brave enough to know how to manipulate grown men as a child and was able to avoid some things but not others, the irony is I am so proud of that yet so ashamed.
Thank you for making this video. For a long time I saw my pattern but I didn’t understand why I kept falling into this trap. About 6 months ago I figured out that I was self regulating and it made me feel very sorry for myself. But after hearing someone, you, say that I was giving myself something I needed, it made me thinking differently. I feel less ashamed and that takes a lot of the weight off so I can begin to focus on finding other ways to feel loved, even if it’s just me loving myself.
Your limerence videos are the best out there; i've already discovered a lot about myself from them; i went no contact with a guy i was in limerence with who has toxic traits and thankfully, i'm still NC and going strong. I was in limerence with him because of all the things you said in your vids: self regulation, experiencing an emotion I wouldn't experience without this guy, not dealing with my shadow self. But I think what truly and completely heals limerence is facing the reality-when I found out the guy was toxic and was not the nice guy I made him to be in my mind, my limerence vanished. That proves that we are in love with the idea of these people and not with who they truly are. It's a selfish state of mind. THX for all your info on this topic.
oh my god. wow. this is almost overwhelmingly shocking and quite sad really, how it reflects my experience so accurately. but also extremely refreshing and freeing to know that there's a name for what I've experienced all my life and that I can now get on the journey to healing with this newfound knowledge. thank you so much. It's astonishing how unconscious these patterns of behavior can be. and how in denial our minds can be. it's just an overall confusing and strange phenomenon created by unfortunate childhood trauma and unstability of our younger life.
All I know is limerance. Reality is disappointing, boring, smells not always pleasant, arguments, demands etc. The illusion is to just show you there's nothing out there. You mention some true, secure connection but hold on a minute! That's already a fantasy. Relationships fail, nothing lasts and nothing really completely satisfies. It's good to be aware what's going on but being aware in order to improve something is another illusion. Limerance, connection, relationships etc - do we fall for it because we can't stand being on our own? Many women cause me limerance and there's always huge relief when they disappear from my life. Mind becomes clear and calm and I think I value it more than connections. My advice is cut contact with fantasised person, if you can't at least don't look at them.
In the last years I've gained awareness of my limerence and that has helped me identify and manage limerent episodes more rationally, now they don't really last because I'm so hyper conscious of what my brain is doing when limerence starts developing, like I'm more in control. Without limerence I've had to face loneliness like a real thing, so sometimes I kinda miss having that ''easy escape'' from my emotional needs, and I'm tempted to slip back and ignore my own awareness and pretend it's real this time so I can fill that void. But I wouldn't go back, being able to understand and control my limerence was such a big step. I still have so much work to do though.
Thank you. This pattern has been very dominant and nearly unavoidable for me in the past. It ruined my school days, my ability to study and work and eventually my mental health. I have been able to identify its dangers more effectively as I grew older and had more therapy. We all need these words to identify the condition, like limerance, obsession, secure attachment, self image and shame. But there is more. The connection with attachment disorders, insecure attachment, trauma and other disorders can help us all to find out what is making this happen time and time again. It can be a type of obsessive compulsive disorder, combined with autism spectrum disorder and a tendency to ruminate. It can be adhd with its messy head and rejection sensitivity, or it may sometimes be a side effect of hormones like oestrogen, especially when you have large hips and fat legs. Medication, sleep pattern improvement, healthy food choices, physical exercize and therapy may all prove to create a way out. Another round of thinking of your loved one never does. Help yourself...
This was so beautifully explained. Well done! I wish to God I'd had this information years ago when I was in the thick of it. I was drowning in toxic shame and self-loathing, had no idea how to get out of it, and no idea how to get through each day except via these exact types of fantasies you describe. So many days I couldn't wait to get home and spend hours and hours filling dozens of pages in my journal analyzing my object's smile and movements and the two-sentence interaction we had. That was the highlight of my very miserable, lonely life at the time. It kept me alive and kept me going. Recovered alcoholics will sometimes say that alcohol saved their life because the pain of reality was just too much. Limerence was my drug/tool of choice.
Great video Heidi! The most important relationship is with ourselves. And changing core beliefs is essential to true change. Once we see that shame is illogical and self imposed we can step outside of it and feel empowered and love ourselves more. Also the fantasy of another isn’t entirely negative - if one uses it as an aspiration of becoming a better version of oneself it can be a motivator towards deep change. Labeling things as problems or as negative only reinforces the negative aspects.
I also want to add to this that, especially in the arts, limerence is normalised and even respected. Having a "rich fantasy" in the sense of being creative and limerence are often confused, and sometimes this type of behaviour is encouraged or romanticised. I guess this is partially why it took me a long time to realise I use maladaptive daydreaming as a way to self-soothe.
Thank you!! I loved the idea of thanking myself for developing this to keep myself afloat. Having a conversation with my inner child and letting them know that we don’t need it anymore was very profound. Thank you Heidi you are changing and saving peoples lives with this content.
I've experienced this my entire life. I'm 30 now. I've never dated, kissed, or anything. After all the physical abuse I endured as a child, as well as witnessing others being abused, my mother decided to tell me that all girls were terrible people and that all kids did at parties was do drugs and have sex. She said that the kids who got to hang out farther away from home had parents that didn't care about them "like she did about me." She wouldn't allow me to get a job or do anything that would make me genuinely attractive to someone. There was so much more that happened, and through it all, I never learned how to get close to girls. To this day, I haven't been able to genuinely forget any of the girls I was limerant for in my past, and I just want one real relationship. I just let a girl go that I was limerant for today at work. I was honest with her and told her what was going on. She was so understanding. She was genuinely my friend, and i got very close to her. We are so similar in so many ways. I'm proud of myself for what I did. I've never been able to do that. I wanted to be responsible because I knew it could go south quick, so I think I did the right thing. But it hurts so much. I have all the memories of her still, and I'm still going to have to see her every day at work. I hope that I can overcome this soon. Because I'm afraid that when I do overcome it, I'll be too old and inexperienced for anyone to want me.
Love the video and learned a ton! So in my mind - Limerence is like a fantasy ocd self soothing tool… it may not just be just a ‘crush’…. It can look like having an obsession with celebrities or sports stars and where you know every detail of their lives, cars or tools in where you know everything about that subject, job / careers in where that is your only focus, money - daydreaming about winning lottery, living abroad or a different lifestyle, being a superhero - like a job where u save the day… I can go on and on… it’s just a way to self soothe and escape!
oh my god. this is what it was all along. I get so emotionally attached to the point that i start going batshit crazy and fantasizing all day long and its happening again now that im feeling low lately and its happened some years ago too when my parents were on the verge of a divorce and the thouhht of this guy and his validation was the only thing keeping me going and i became really obsessed😭 its time to deep dive into my emotions
Growing up with no emotional support from my parents and severe social anxiety, i did not have any forms of co-regulation. As a kid and teenager i was ALWAYS daydreaming about being in love with someone and if that fantasy was not of a celebrity or character, i was "in love" with a boy at school. Wow.
I've been watching a ton of self help stuff in the last few years (especially now, since life has thrown a couple curve balls my way) and there were 2 things that really helped me this week: - Everyone has a feeling of having a hole inside them. Lots of people try to put external validation, distractions, etc in the hole to feel better but it can just make the hole bigger. All we can do is take healthy steps to shrink the hole so it's not some yawning psychological chasm. - this tiktok of a guided exercise from a super old episode of Oprah. You close our eyes, picture your first childhood home that you can remember. You picture your childhood self and you validate their feelings, let them know you know exactly what they're going through and ask them to leave your childhood home because you would really love if they would move in with you. You have the kid pack a little bag, grab a pet if you had one and you carry them out of there. You wave goodbye to your family and you tell them you're gonna make it and you're gonna be their champion. You show your child-self all the good things ahead of you and the people waiting for you who love you. Then, just with your child-self you, you tell them you're so happy they are who they are and that they're with you. That you love them and you're gonna have fun together. Then imagine you can put the child in your heart so you can feel them. The other day I caught myself regulating my emotions by thinking about my crush and I realized I was trying to fit that person into that hole. So I stopped and thought about the Oprah exercise. I validated and put my child-self in the hole and it almost instantly took me out of the romantic fantasy. *Edit: If you want the official version, look up “John Bradshaw Oprah childhood wounds seminar pt.2B”* That’s the quick version, but there are about 5 parts to the whole episode/seminar if you wanna do the whole thing
@@ballman2010 seriously, it feels like the emotional equivalent of pulling a piece of glass out of your foot! If you want the official version, look up “John Bradshaw Oprah childhood wounds seminar pt.2B” I think there are 5 parts in total (1A-3), but 2B is the part I was talking about
Fantasizing that we’re gonna work together and have a magical life building shit and traveling with all the money we make 😂 I am in a moderate amount of limernace right now cause I have those fantasies but I come back down to earth quite quickly and remember my own goals cause I find myself fantasizing about intertwining him in my life after knowing each other for three months as friends and recently started seeing each other romantically. These kinds of teachings help me a lot! Thank you ❤️
I just want to thank you so very much for this video. I’ve had the hardest time with naming whatever this is and knowing if my feelings were true. I had noticed that anytime my life becomes stressful I look to this fantasy instead of remembering that I have all the qualities I think are so great in this person within myself. I have mevrr seen your videos. Don’t even know how this ended up on my feed. But if, you are reading this….you just gave a 48 year old professional woman an aha moment. I’m so grateful.
Thank you so much for this. I have looked into limerence so many times and although it kinda does resonate, this video as to the WHY relates to my situation so much its unreal. I will listen a few times and talk it through with my therapist next week but it makes sense. I have ADHD and get hyperfixated on people easily, but although I am now married and have been for a long time 20+ years, during that time - the last 14 years, there have been two people that I have been absolutely obsessed with. I did not want a relationship with either, not a long term committed thing anyway. WIth the first one - which lasted 11 years altogether although there were several long breaks during that time, I could never explain what it was. It was just the feeling of connection, simply that. Even when we met up last summer for the first time in 12 years (I'd gotten over him 3 years before last summer), the connection between us was incredible. I got closure, when I was able to explain everything about how I had felt about him. He understood, we laughed about it, and we moved on. There was never an actual relationship there. But the more recent person, the attraction to him was sexual. It was carnal, raw desire. Had he ever have made a sexual pass at me, I would have been putty in his hands. There was a mutual something between us, something unspoken but it all came to a head last year when I was open to him about it and he didn't respond the way I had hoped. I still feel he felt something too, for sure. I think it was a mutual limerence but we were unable to act and both being moral people, there was no intention on either side - although the temptation was there. Anyway - to cut to the chase, I have been in therapy for over a year and I am finally unearthing all that stuff that needs healing. I fantasise, a lot - I am in my head a lot. I have never learned to feel my emotions properly, had always been dismissed as a child by my parents because they couldnt handle my emotional side (I'm very sensitive). Learning to move out of my head and into my body has been an absolute game changer for me - I am more present in my day to day life, I have cut ties and social media links with the more recent person and I am determined to move forward in life now he no longer occupies my brain. However - the missing link is the content of this video which will help enormously. Thank you again :)
i was in a relationship where my ex boyfriend would consistently cross boundaries because of his fantasies. went from agreeing to casually date to wanting to agree that we’d live together, only two weeks into dating. it’s as if he didn’t live in reality and instead his emotions. whenever i would explain bc we’d only been together for a few weeks and i was planning on getting my masters so i didn’t want children, he’d brush me off and continue to insist i would eventually want kids and we’d move in together. it was especially scary, because he’d guilt trip me for needing days to myself to work on exams and homework when we were both full time college students. even if i did want kids, his inability to be alone at my expense and lack of listening would’ve made it hard for him to parent a child or raise a family on a single house hold income.
That sounds more like borderline or narcissistic personality disorder to me. Especially if they quickly moved on to someone else afterwards (or before!).
@@comprendersi1444 Never thought of equating the idealization phase in BPD with limerence, but I could see how it somewhat fits the description. I more so associate limerence with OCD and depression though. I'm not sure that borderlines experience the melancholic aspects of limerence during idealization.
OMG!! Thank you so much for doing this. Really want to work through this and stop using it for self-regulation. I have been through a lot and I'm glad my mind protected me and soothed me when needed. But now it's getting to a point where I'm finding romantic intimacy impossible and I really want to work through this. Please continue this series, will really help me personally. Loads of love for doing this!💗💝
Every time I open these videos I just think "ah yes, hurt me with the truth"
Real
Hit me baby one more time, stronger than the limerence 😩🐅🤣
@@derquerlenker1365Any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence! 🤣 🫣
I wasn't ready.. day one of finding her content left me in the fetal position.
@@AnaRivera-u7v hope you can baby step your way into things. It does get easier, and if you can put in the work, it can help a lot of people. I wish everyone had the time and resources to really learn this kind of stuff
This…actually might explain why I tend to get extremely intense crushes on people that are unavailable but am very slow to warm up to people in an actual romantic context.
Same. If they actually like and care about me and their intentions are healthy, I am not interested. If they are emotionally unavailable or toxic, i am like a moth to a flame. Now I know this, I have to take opposite actions to the ones I feel.
I thought I was an extremely romantic person in a poetic way. Didn’t know my fantasy filled love was limerence and my childhood trauma is literally affecting everything
Me too
+1 to that poetic air you give to this obsession. Being so infatuated is most of the time reinforced by this notion of romantic love we've been sold ever since infancy by all kinds of media, and it only exacerbates our childhood traumas and our 'need' for our unmet needs to be met. I've wrongfully attributed love to what was just a limerent obsession with being thought-of as lovable, and not only have I been hurt, I've hurt people in the process. If only this was taught to us earlier, perhaps even "if only we didn't have to go through what we went on our childhoods", right? It's insane how a life can be controlled by the cravings of being loved back
Damn. This is me to a “T”
@@davids.4431 thank you so much for your comment. i just realized how my love for romance movies worsened my limerence..
@@androphobe it's nice to be aware of it! Don't blame yourself for it; from what i understand, even people who were never exposed to any romance media have come to feel this way about love (say, people in 2000BCE, lol).
From Dorothy Tennov's "Love and Limerence" book, some people just *become* limerent, while others never show those behaviors regarding a romantic interest, and even find the thought of being so obsessed with someone else baffling; some, for instance, take most of poetry and romance novels/plays to be an exaggeration for the sake of exaggerating, not being able to relate to the experiences described within them.
It certainly won't "cure" you, but reading that book was like reading my writings and thoughts over and over again, you might like it, although it's pretty old.
*i'm not an expert on the topic, just another hurting person 😬
Limerence during my healing journey helped me discover how to feel self love.
I realized the feelings I imagined coming from someone else were actually feelings of self love I was capable of giving to myself, and it’s the most rewarding type of love.
That’s an amazing realization, Amanda - thank you so much for sharing! That could be a great way to use the Limerence to heal and let go of it. I wonder if developing that healthy self-love would negate the need for limerent fantasies about others? Again, thank you for your insight ❤
loving oneself first is important before so you don't question the love you're given
i’ve come to the same realization recently! it’s just hard putting it into action because i always default to fantasizing about receiving that love from a partner (as opposed to myself)🥲🥲
This. Learning to love myself the way I want someone else to love me.
Oh wow, thank you for this. I need to learn this, myself.
Lower your voice! This is so embarrassing for me!!! 😂 I just realised every crush I’ve ever had was during a difficult time in my life and my obsession with them helped me get through those hard times. I never liked hot people for who they are, only liked them so they could save me. It’s so dark and twisted. But thank you for revealing that it’s just a pattern we are repeating. And it makes me feel better knowing if I make a genuine connection I can get different results.
omg sameee i cant stop laughing bc this is soo pathetic of me but like at the same time i feel bad for myself.
Hey don't forget, this is a coping mechanism we developed at a time where it was integral for us to have because of a failure on the one's who raised us, not our fault! It's embarrassing and shameful for me too, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and I really hope no one here is doing that either
Same here 😂
Very much same here, I'm sobbing
Lol!
I've wasted so much time in limerence I'd seriously rather spend the entire rest of my life single, die alone, and get eaten by my cats than lose another moment in a pointless infatuation or dumping energy into another insecurely-attached person. Thank you. Awesome work as always!
yaaassss thank you so much for declaring this. i am disgusted so much already by it. if i never had another fantasy again i would sing from the mountains.
❤❤❤ me too!❤❤
Exactly the way I feel! I am a limerant object for someone and he is one for me. I am letting the obsession and him go. I would rather be alone and be at peace than even have a sliver of hope of being with him. I am done!
@@jessicahandelman1993what you resist will persist. I have dealt with limerence as well. It mainly comes from toxic shame. To be disgusted by your fantasies is counterintuitive if you have decided that this issue needs to be resolved.
Uhhh, I don't think your cats should eat you!! 😂😂
Jokes aside, I understand how you feel about looking back and wishing you didn't waste this time. I hope and pray that you may have so many joyful days ahead free from this emotionally-draining pain.
I cant beleive we get thousand of dollars of university degrees and take tons of responsibility without getting those basic important information that allow us to just live
This is one of the most real comments I've ever read. So damn true. If I could like this 1000 times I would
I would say,the most terrifying thing in life that could be heard,that government and parents give us all,but no one is mentions about the importance of the mental health and good-being
Lets start a petition to revamp the whole education system.
In school we learn enough to able to work, nobody cares a about mental health, or morality, or spirituality, or critical thinking or any other thing important. Capitalism gives us a mental illness that benefits capitalism. If we did intelligent and moral things it would interfere with making 💰🤑
YES!! What we believe is normal in society is completely backwards and detrimental to our mental health
This is 100% me when I am attracted to un-available people. They were always people I'd put on a pedestal and daydream about. I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years in this state disassociated from reality. And if anything in real-life came of it, it felt 100% shitty compared to my fantasy of them. That's how I started understanding that my fantasies were best kept in that realm and not acted upon. It was (and still can be) very soothing to be in the fantasy state. I also recognize it for what it is now. Thank you for saying that it's connected to shame. Yes. That and embarrassment were very associated with a lot of my life when I was young. I felt very alone in life. School was overwhelming, kids were mean and my emotional requests at home were denied.
did you ever find a path out? i definitely prefer fantasy to reality, but also assume empirical debt will eventually make this untenable
This has been me my whole life - I constantly, consistently stay in a state of limerence. I’m more aware of it now, but I haven’t found a path out.
@@gordo6908 I don't so much do what I did as a kid anymore. I know when I'm fantasizing and can snap myself out of it by removing the trigger (ie. The last person I was fantasizing about was a musician so I would listen to his music and that was the launching pad ) and by focusing on my own life instead. I went through a long period of being attracted to un-available people (and still am) but recognize the tell tale feeling of that kind of relationship (half of it is made up in my mind) - which initially feels like cloud nine but there is an undercurrent of always wanting more and never getting it and feeling bad. I just don't allow myself to engage with people that will trigger me like that anymore. I'm at a point where I know no one can make me feel good about myself or improve my life. And, honestly, understanding that has taken a lot of the fantasy away. Making lots of mistakes and taking notes about my feelings are what have shown me the way. And also, doing a lot of self-help work so that I understand myself as best as I can....If you're watching this video you're already doing the work.
@@Cranberries87 You might need it. Keep inquiring and things will shift at some point. My limerance gave me a reason to get up in the morning. It probably saved my life.
Oh my GOSH!!! You just described me.
If you can observe the limerance in yourself, then you are healing! Give yourself love!! Imagine hugging yourself!
thank you, I needed this
Great comment
Thanks, this helps!
but where do i go with that? 😟 i recognize it is happening, and i can choose to not engage in the fantasies, but it still feels like i am overly fixated on them. does it ever go away?
@@justadream6650I think it's like you realise it once, and you stop for a while and understand some things about yourself and learn to deal with /love that part of you. And then again after some time something else gains your attention and becomes your limerant object, and soon you realise your pattern and again become aware of your limerance, and stop for awhile or self regulate. Each time you are able to see your patterns quicker because you've begun to understand your patterns better and can bring about small changes in yourself so as to live in reality more. Until you actually begin to love yourself truly, then you won't find the joy in limerance but in real people
1. Intense fear of reality intruding on fantasy (afraid to find out "bad" facts about limerent object?)
2. Significant periods of more and less limerence (notice during stressful times?)
3. Only feel whole in limerent fantasy vs reality (self image affected by toxic shame IRL, very idealized version of self in fantasy)
4. Prefer thinking about L.O. rather than actual interaction. Build fantasy world to extreme with it. Anxiety with them as well.
5. Romantic fixation serving replacement for unmet needs. Toxic shame. Fear of rejection for needs.
I'm in the middle of recovery....
I got to a point where
1 I don't have fear of reality intruding on fantasy but I desperately look for it to stop these sick limerence fantasies.I actually desperately look for pieces of reality that will destroy the FANTASY and take great relief from it.its like a game or a personal challenge now...the sooner I find that specific ick between me and this person the better. charaterstics about these people that I find ridicolous /disgusting or unacceptable according to my standards. you can always find them if you look carefully .something that destroy the "dream" in a instant.
it can be something small.....but ....it HELPS and I promise you you will find that ICK.
2 During my recent super bad limerence case I didnt stop/pause MY REAL INTERACTIONS and I dated and experiment in reality with emotionally available people, maybe I DONT like these people that much but at the same time...I made sure I had often a reality and experimented and lived interactions in REAL LIFE not only fantasies (not only sex ....they were potential sentimental stories).IT HELPS A LOT specially when limerence gets out of control.PS: in this special case I believe is important being honest with all the people you are dating and not lying...since day 1 I said to this guy "you must be patient Im the middle of forgetting a person I had a crush on but I know now I dont love him " .
"very idealized version of self in fantasy" - this idea just changed everything for me. me turning into this idealized version of who i am that is mimicking that other person, to make myself feel better ab who i am instead of confronting the scarier reality of helping myself. i just realized why thats probably why i got so limerent for some people. they gave me a fantasy version of myself bc i wanted to be anything but my actual self.
I have 1, 2 and 5 but not 3 and 4 :O ???
Number 3 and number 5 are massive for me. Had a setback with a woman I liked recently (realistically had quite a bit of limerance and had reality intrude on that a bit!)
Sounds a lot like shared fantasies in narcissism (Sam Vankin)
MIND = BLOWN. All my life when I thought it was love, IT WAS LIMERENCE. I never knew such a term even existed until now. This is so mind-blowing that I'm currently sitting on the floor rethinking all the occurrences of it in my life and MAN, I NEED A DAY OR TWO TO JUST PROCESS THIS
PREACH!
❤
you're not the only one.
7 billion people wouldn't have happened without inconvenient factors like limerance.
Brazilians have had this word in their vocabulary forever. They call it "saudade".
I just learned what limerence is yesterday. I've struggled with maladaptive daydreaming, falling in love with the idea of someone, and just living in my own little fantasy world in general. It's only now that I've decided to start living IN reality. Although limerence has been an unhealthy way of coping, it's also showing me that I can use my imagination to comfort myself in a healthy way. My imagination can be used to my advantage. Recently, I've started imagining a "motherly" version of myself that comforts me when I'm feeling sad, anxious, or lonely. Through interacting with this fantasy version with myself, I'm able to release pent up emotions, get my feelings validated, and take physical steps to help myself feel better.
I love this, thank you for sharing :)
Well done! I love this approach.
Thanks for sharing this. I've struggled with this myself also, I might try this. Thanks and I hope you're doing well now x
That's an awesome solution to this. I have fought to call this thing I do "maladaptive daydreaming" because it's caused me to be so imaginative and creative in life in other ways too. But what if you meet someone else that has these sorts of self-regulating fantasies? Maybe it could become a real relationship if you shared your thoughts with each other?
you're cute
i have been using Maladaptive Daydreaming associated with Limerance for a looooooong time to self regulate. Like, I will fantasize about having relationships with famous people I've developed a parasocial relationship with or just ordinary people in my life that are not available at all. Funny thing is that, in my fantasies, the other person in the relationship is not even me. I use someone else's body, like another person I think its more attractive or more interesting than me to build this whole story and live it in my head where the object of my limerance falls in love with them (me).
I have known for quite a while that this is not healthy, but its stronger than me, I cant explain it. It has robbed me a lot of time and experiences, thats for sure. And at least now I am able to catch myself when I am falling into one those rabbit holes. And I am more aware of what triggers it (boredom, moments of insecurity with some aspects of myself, intense feelings that make me wanna dissociate...) and I feel like its getting less frequent. Still, its not something I feel comfortable talking about with anyone in my life bc honestly, I dont think they would understand at all. Bc it basically comes down to me prefering to live through other people in my head than just inhabiting my own being and living my own life. And although it helps knowing I am not the only one and that there are people out there going through something similar, there is still a lot of shame associated with this for me. Which makes me wanna dissociate all over again. It really is a vicious cycle.
I do this as well although it's another version/a fantasy version of me playing the role rather than someone else. It can be depressing to awaken from this daydream and have to confront the realities of an ageing body and flailing hopes for life. When i was younger i found it inspiring and motivating to become more like the 'me' i had imagined, but now that just seems like a stretch! It used to feel helpful, now it feels harmful...
I think it is a very normal phenomenon - you see it represented in films and books, fairy-tales and fandom - and is why we even have the term 'parasocial relationship' - but it's not usually a socially acceptable thing to admit to, so kudos for being open about it here! 😊
I do this too:(
I share the absolute same experience, with daydreaming about a love life, that is so far from my own reality. Have been daydreaming since I can remember, it's one of my core soothing/coping mechanism. Especially in combination with music, making it more emotional and dramatic. I listen to music all the time, I start to daydream immediately. There were times when the daydreaming was almost gone, it was usually when I felt happy and relatively secure in my romantic relationship. Because that's when I got to live out some of those fantasies. But reality has crushed upon me several times, making me go back to daydreaming. When I imagine myself in that idealized way, I somehow just crave validation, admiration and intimacy to get a feeling of security. All this daydreaming stems from the desire to feel safe and loved, because one was deprived of it, the brain developed its way to cope and self-regulate through false fulfillment of such strong needs. I now realize that this pattern has put a huge toll on a current relationship, because I would jump into the whole romance/drama, hoping I would now finally get my fairytale love story, when in reality it was far from that. It's just a huge experience to go through basically your whole life. To be honest, even though I know where it stems from and what it's function is, I still like to escape into daydreams, it's still soothes me for a short while, when nobody and nothing else can. I feel like life passes me by. Like I am living in two worlds. But it's important to understand that it is simply a way your brain has developed. We are humans who have a hard time in this world. The only solution is working on you self worth, working on becoming more like the person that you fantasize about (it's not about looks - it's about the confidence and overall security that makes out your fantasy and that you should aim for). When you become secure and content with your surrounding, you will daydream less. I believe everyone will eventually meet their fairytale-person and get to live their dream. Until then - you can only accept that it is a clingy habit because reality seems so unfulfilling. It's a hard journey until to really develop a strong self-worth, it's really not easy. I feel deeply with every other daydreamer out there. Truth is, you are all far more precious and lovable than you think. Never be hard on yourself, it's not easy to be a human, and we do our best.
@@BillieJean29251 thank you so much for that 🥲
hi, i almost teared up because i resonated so much with your comment. i hope you're doing better
Okay I’m now starting to better understand my constant obsessions and limerence since childhood. I grew up in a very unstable and toxic environment and I always had this overwhelming urge to be “saved” and chosen and loved. And to have that epic “once in a lifetime” love story, true soulmate, my other half…Someone formidable and important who would validate me and make me feel worthy, seen and accepted. Compared to the novels I was reading and my fantasies about people, connections in reality with real people always fell short and felt disappointing and bleak in comparison. I was really sad once I’ve realized that I will most likely never meet a person that can give me all that and that it’s an inner problem that I have to resolve myself. That put a lot of pressure and responsibility on myself and I am still struggling with it. Even though it’s better now and I am married to a good man I still have this gaping hole in my chest yearning for something or someone important missing in my life for me to feel truly happy. I care and love my husband but it’s not the type of love I have always imagined to have. This is going to sound really bad but it seems like I am still subconsciously hoping that maybe, just maybe, I will meet my true soulmate one day and that it will all make sense in the end.
Does anyone else struggle with something similar? I’ve spoken with people in my inner circle and no one else seems to understand what I’m talking about nor feels the same.
Yes, you've articulated something that I very much relate to. It makes so much sense when you consider the toxic childhood backgrounds.
@@Wildmuseportal Thank you so much for affirming my perspective, it makes me feel less alone 🙏🏼💞
@@theskyizblue2day431 And I can’t believe that you as a Christian who believes in God judge and shame others like that steering them further away from God. I never said I don’t love him, I just said it’s not the type of love I read about, imagined and wanted, which probably doesn’t even exist in reality but only in novels and movies. And I am confused about this feeling cuz I don’t know what it is and I’m not sure it’s God like you claim.
I relate to you. Sometimes I don’t even know if it’s a person I’m missing or an environment. I think it might just be a feeling of truly belonging I yearn for. I don’t know if it can ever happen, but at least you are not alone with this strange feeling💛
I totally understand. Thank you for putting my own thoughts and feelings into words. I always felt so alone and horrible for such thoughts but knowing I'm not the only one is relieving.
We THINK we are loving them.. when what we really are doing is soothing ourselves. Damn.😮
🔥
I just realised, I’ve never been in love.
sameeeee
Married 23 years. Fucking ditto
Same
Yeah I don't think I know what love is and I wouldn't recognize it if it hit me
That's actually really lucky
I always knew I did this, but I also always felt very ashamed and embarrassed by it. I’ve gone through a lot of lonely and traumatic events in my life and there were many times where the only way I could cope was by imagining a crush liking me back and wanting to spend every waking moment with me somewhere away from where I was in that moment. Hearing you talk about this in a non-judgmental way helps me accept that part of myself more so that I can start to work on recognizing it and developing healthier coping strategies.
I can relate
I honestly thought just me did this, to a “T”!!!!!! Whhhaaaattttt you do this too?????? I am always wanting to run away to a beautiful, magical place, with someone who loves me, has fun with me, all the good things…
I can’t believe I’m not the only one who experiences this. What a relief
This used to happen to me all the time, as an insecure and anxious person I would fall for emotionally unavailable but somewhat flirty and friendly people who were easy-going enough to befriend me, creating an ideal version in my mind that has all the characteristics that I would actually want to have in a partner or in myself. Them being easy-going would help me support these unrealistic fantasies. Then I would have daydreaming sessions before I sleep, or even during school or work. It would typically last 2-3 months, but could last much longer if I kept seeing the person often due to working at the same place etc and I didn't have someone more interesting around me to replace them with. Only in one of these cases I actually noticed that person was also somewhat into me, and we got a little bit intimate, but it was clear it wouldn't work. His attitude afterwards destroyed my fantasies and I realized that he was actually a very immature and emotionally distant person that only wanted to take whatever he can from others, terrible at let alone expressing his emotions but understanding them himself. He only had a shiny facade, and who he is inside was far away from my fantasies making him out to be something perfect. He was a normal human being that needed some therapy himself lol. This made me question my previous crushes that I had throughout my life, and noticed none of them were love. NONE. There was no shared experience beyond very basic interactions (which ironically made me experience extreme emotions and physical symptoms), and it took me actually experiencing something with that fantasy object once to realize I was only fooling myself by creating something in my mind that validated my existence and made me feel something inside.
Some time later, I met someone. I wasn't at an all-time-low, I wasn't even looking for a relationship. And for the first time in my life, I was not extremely nervous or in an heightened physical state before or during a potentially "romantic" encounter. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to see them again, unlike an encounter with a person I glorified in my mind based on nothing which would make me tremble and daydream for days. I realize that's why my relationship with that person I met later and went out on a second and then a third date only thinking "he's cool I guess" is the most satisfying and secure relationship I've ever had. Because the bond we have now did not come from having met someone at a low point in my life when I needed something to hold on to whether it is somewhat real or imagined, but rather grew as we had REAL shared experience and TRULY liked each other in time. I liked their looks, their personality, their humor and there was not a place for detailed fantasies or daydreaming, because what I needed and what I wanted was already there. If you are a chronic limerent like me and are hopeless, that is how you'll know if it is real.
Your comment made me tear up bc I relate so much :(
Thanks for sharing this. I just went through a breakup with someone that was similar to your second example of a healthy relationship and I have been second guessing if besides him cheating it was laso my fault that I never got this glorified feeling of falling in love. I was never quite sure if I was ok because of the lack of impact emotionally 😅 and I loved him right, but you know what I mean. I was sad nad anxious I have something wrong and will never met someone who truly loves me but this video and these comments are like such a relief to me cause it feels like, hey "you're not entirely delusional but you kinda are everything will be ok sis"😂 thanks again for sharing your side because it's exactly the same for me the same two relationships and everything. Sending good vibes❤
thank you for sharing this. I recently learned what I’ve been struggling with has a name and thought I was rare. I feel less like a freak now and more comforted ❤
This gives me hope. Thank you 🧡
Thanks for sharing your story with us. It’s helpful.
Watching this video, my whole body is filling with rage. Not because Heidi is wrong, but because it makes me realise how much emotional abuse & neglect I really went through, and how much very few people knew or even really cared. I appreciate the knowledge, though.
❤
It's so difficult sometimes, to feel the anger. I hope you've been able to work through things and have some healing.
Screw em! You’re analogous for gosh sakes :)
right, it irritates me so much to think how little my parents thought or cared of how their words would've affected me in the long run and now I have to deal with the consequences. I guess it wasn't their intention but still, it messed me up and now i have to undo years worth of damage because of their lack of consideration🥲
I wouldn't date my biggest high school crush, because I didn't want to shatter the fantasy I'd built around her, and I thought I would only bring her down anyway. (Honestly, I was probably right about that) I took her to prom, and then promptly distanced myself. I thought it was so selfless and romantic if me. I didn't know it was a maladaptive coping mechanism. I didn't know it would be the cause of so much pain and loneliness in the future.
Wow
Damn. This sounds like myself.
You are forgiven ❤
'...i didn't want to shatter the fantasy I'd built around her'
me too pal, I felt it in my bones
Life man
One of the first explanations I’ve found that frames limerence as a tool, and not even necessarily a negative one, and identifies the purpose it serves which really presents it in a neutral light. I think that’s so important for actually overcoming any maladaptive consequences, especially since people who struggle with it struggle *because* of shame, so framing it negatively makes you feel shame, and pushes you further into it! Bravo
After my best friend died, I found this guy online and would listen to his music. I became “obsessed” with him and would constantly check up on his socials and it was weird but he was such a comfort to me. I realize now he was the person I needed because I was all alone and in a very complex situation where I didn’t have anyone to talk to about the grief. It sounds so pathetic but I get it. He doesn’t know I exist. We don’t have a real relationship. I would never contact him or do anything weird. But being able to disassociate saved me. One day though you will have to come back to reality and a fake made up relationship in your head can’t substitute for real connection. I’m trying to date and get back out there. I’m trying to make more friends. It does help. I appreciate these videos cuz they help me know I’m not alone and this was just a maladaptive way my brain tried to help me escape a really hard situation.
I’m a childhood trauma survivor and I’ve had this 7 year long limerence with a boy that I had a short but intense romance with. This is the first time I’ve understood my obsession. I’m ready to change and heal now. Thank you. ❤
"Those who experience a lot of Limerance are often using Limerant fantasies as an escape from toxic shame."
That was like a bomb for me.
same... so true. :(
And the truth will set you free
im 20 about to be 21 and i've been doing this since i was 10, i identified my toxic shame years ago and identified my "addiction to crushes" recently. this is my first time realizing how connected they are. i feel guilty for even being alive, and i fantasize about a person i admire seeing the whole me and accepting it all.
after an isolating move to a new city and very heavy family issues i've had a new record of crushes and subsequent rejections. it still feels better to fantasize about them than to accept that they don't want to be with me, but i'm realizing that's not what i needed to begin with.
i'm trying to love myself the way i want to be loved. i wish everyone who watched this video luck in their journey to do the same. we're all worthy despite what we may believe :)
i am so sorry you've been through all of this. it's incredible that you've so clearly identified the cause of your limerence as that self-introspection is so difficult but so important. i wish you the best of luck in healing and learning to love yourself completely as you are absolutely worthy of being alive and being loved.
btw, happy birthday in advance!
We’re in this together, don’t give up ❤️🙏🏾
hy andrea, please do check out the channel of "following Fenna". * She is a coach and wanted to publish on youtube about topics like
burn-out and a bit about limerance (as a recovered limerant), but she is fairly new to being a youtuber. The response about her limerance videos was intense, so she started to concentrate on providing content on that issue.
Also: her videos are usually short while hitting home. You notice she has been through through episodes of being addicted to a person (and her phantasies about them and the relationship she might be able to have).
Moreover she has been coaching people that suffer from limerance.
Many youtubers try to make the video longer than 10 minutes (is better for ad revenue or maybe for the algorithm).
With Fenna's video: how long it may take to cover a certain aspect - and that is often 5 minutes or 8 - 10 at the max. While giving a
lot of food for thought in each short video.
* She is Dutch has a funny English accent. The first video I saw from her she tried to use irony to drive her point home and maybe she was still nervous, so her voice was quite high. fortunately that is not her natural voice. (I was captivated by the content, but resorted to reading the transcript with that particular video)
I guess the one video she may have been a bit nervous, still being new to being a presenter on youtube.
Anyway: do not let yourself be distracted if you happen to come accross a video where her voice grates you. you can always use the transcript. And in the other vids I binge watched so far she uses her natural voice (which is lower and more pleasant to listen to).
The content will soon override any vocal preferences.
Another thing you can try out is meridian tapping (EFT) to take off the edge of the longing, pain, shame. Dawson Church is a trainer that has free information on his website. And an archive with examples of people solving their problems. Of course there are also practicioners and psychotherapists (which have meridian tapping in their tool box). But it is also a self help / first aid tool for lay persons.
@18:08 is gold. I was in a limerant state, and actually got into a relationship with the person I was limerant with. After I had shown my flaws to them and had been vulnerable (as well as somewhat anxiously attached) they rejected me, and it was the most painful breakups I'll ever experience, because I had deemed that person "worthy enough to validate me". Pretty messed up right? It was rough. I didn't really realize I was limerant in the relationship, it was mostly after it ended, but how I handled the breakup lead to more toxic shame that just strengthened the limerant connection. Despite all the suffering it caused and victim mentality I got stuck in, it has taught me a lot about myself and caused me to take a more serious look into this. I knew about limerance before and knew I had an episode of it once, but this was the final straw. Putting people on a pedistal, being limerant, having rose colored glasses, whatever you want to call it, is toxic and a recipie for disaster. I thought I might be covert narcissist because I was so caught up in shame and realizing how much validation I was seeking, that's how bad it got. When my limerant person rejected me, I projected a lot of insecurities onto them, and it basically destroyed any possibility for peaceful shared community for a while. However I think thats finally now in the past and in a healthy place.
I share all this just to emphasize how important it is to work through these things, otherwise you'll really end up hurting yourself and others 🙏🏻
Matt, my wife left me for LO divorced me and has since moved in with him, never saw any of this coming. Did you do the same yourself like move in with you LO
Thanks
"Putting people on a pedestal", "having rose colored glasses" and such is viable when the person is worthy of it and one works on making her/his surroundings ideal.
Did you manage to form a healthy connection with the person ?hat caused your limerence? Im stuck in a loop with my roommate, somehow im really scared of letting go and perhaps realizing she doesn't mean anything to me after all... She's been there for me so many times, I'd feel so guilty if all of my affection turned out to be fake.. so messed up.
I thought that was a really good part too that I also was about to timestamp
This rings true, the worst I ever engaged in this was when I was in an abusive relationship. I used to fantasise about people I knew from years before who had been kind. I hadn't seen them for years. It makes so much sense what you say because the thoughts I was lost in when I closed my eyes were comforting.
This made me cry inside a bit. Too relateable. Wishing the best for you.
Looking at limerence as magic pixie dust that I have sprinkled on the crap of my life is just what I needed to hear. Thank you for the information and the laughs. ❤
I find limerence genuinely distressing and lonely. I’ve found myself fantasizing about a person so much that I complete misunderstand the actual relationship. I feel like I’ve given myself memories with a person that never really existed. I’m currently going through it with a friend who lives a few hours away. He’s expressed how dating wouldn’t work, but I still plan visits with him, and then delve into the fantasy of us progressing our relationship. My day can go from ok to bad to great with just a simple text from him. Anything that isn’t complete enthusiasm is rejection for me. I feel incredibly socially and romantically weak. The rest of my life feels neglected.
I don't know how to deal with the feeling of perceived rejection
@@Animescene23neither do I 😢
You’re not alone. 💛
ths person you imagined is real but given that you're shy, it might be hard to find.
however, don't act the opposite way just to please people who aren't worth your time or will never be worth your time.
easy to find repose in daydreaming when you spent time in isolation, right?
I can't relate to this any longer. I do daydream about someone and I might've used all the cards on my deck to get to be with her but few.
After everything I've done and would do, why would I keep going further? Because I love her and I'm obsessed?
Hahah, for sure, I'll go even further. Even if it hurts.
I understand that as I went through that with my best guy friend for five years. I say just accept it the way it is. It could change it could not. Romanticizing it doesn't help. I put myself through needless suffering and now we do happen to be in a relationship and put the relationship through needless suffering due to my fantasizing and romanticizing what the relationship should look like instead of taking the highs with the lows. I also struggled with my self worth being wrapped up in the relationship or desire for one. It's an awful hell for sure
Wow, I’ve been on a healing journey and recently developed a crush on someone and have been fantasizing like crazy. This is the first time I’ve been so self aware of it. Discovering that it’s limerence is eye opening. Like damn I thought I was doing well with healing but I’m constantly being humbled by how much more I have to heal. Also reading these comments is so lovely and makes me feel less alone. ❤
I’m separating from my partner and already feel limerence building with a couple people. I’m very thankful for this video to remind me to construct healthy relationships.
This was suggested by the algorithm. And clearly, I've been using this "limerence" since I was in my teens, & now in my 40's, to comfort myself. For something, which was unknown to me, it is exactly what I've been doing. Thank you for making this video ❤
This explains so much about a person who expressed feeling limerence towards me even though we had not even had an in-person conversation prior. They projected their ideal onto me instead of respecting my actual needs and boundaries - making persistent unwanted advances. The behaviour was very self-centred, and it left me feeling exploited and objectified. I certainly got the sense that this person’s intense feelings for me wasn’t really about Me - but I did not have the words to place it. Thank you for this video. I wish i had it back then as it really would have helped me understand what was happening
Just want to say Heidi, you're bloody brilliant. Your ability to discern very nuanced aspects of mental health in a balanced and articulate manner is unparalleled.
Yeap. She’s amazing 💗
Discern in a balanced and articulate manner.. That's it.. What a gift
Agree!
Amen to this. Well said.
Very smart. She's phenomenal 👌💃
I'm a little scared that RUclips knew to recommend this to me, but also incredibly grateful. I knew just from the title that this was going to speak to experiences in my life, because for me there has been some awareness that it was something I did to soothe and regulate. Still, having this more precise understanding is going to help me break the habit, I'm sure. Thank you so much for this video. Wow.
Same! Not me looking around like “RUclips? You in the room?” 😂
This video was THE ONE. I intellectually knew I was doing this but it just cracked the situation open enough for me to see it in the light and LET IT GO. Thank you 🙏🏽
It can feel super hard to even watch videos with titles like this because the fear of releasing something significant, and even identity-sourcing. If anyone reading feels that way let me encourage you there's NOTHING to fear in this video. I had it as open tab for about four days, avoiding and avoiding. The journey she takes you on is actually super comfortable and relaxing, totally the opposite of the anxiety-triggering I thought it would be.
Heidi makes it really clear that there's ZERO shame in limerence as she explains that it develops from highly adaptive strategies. I feel tons of shame and fear even discussing this problem because most of my friends know the person I have it with, and even the ones who don't I don't want to look like a childish loser in front of. Not only are you okay for having this, you got yourself out of shitty situations by inventing it, and as humans do we take the tool that worked once and use it everywhere. It amazed me to see the link between this and toxic shame, a phrase that on the surface doesn't make much sense but whose specific definition I 100% relate to which is the ongoing, pretty much constant feeling bad simply about who I am, like guilt for existing at all. Limerence relives this pain but a stiff drink also relieves sadness, doesn't mean it's a good idea over the long term!
This part's for the men: if this "toxic shame" concept lands for you, get the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. Not just reading, there's non-stop exercises/practices (that'll challenge you! no pain no gain baby) to actually work through the issues not just intellectualize solutions. I've never encountered ANYTHING that so accurately articulated the pains I feel daily and helped me understand + evolve through them. And I'm someone who had an extremely comfortable, easy childhood with parents who loved each other. Sometimes, this shit just happens to you for whatever reason; the reasons don't matter all that matters is that you/I work on yourself/myself. I keep a copy of the PDF on the desktop of every computer I use, even my work PC. Here's to love & goodness y'all.
I feel so incredibly seen right now, and the best part is I'm the one seeing and accepting the deepest parts of myself. Thank you!
Good explanation. Limerence as Self-Regulation makes a lot more sense than simply attributing it to "childhood trauma" as is commonly done.
Gen-X may have lacked the language to understand what exactly was going on, but we did have R.E.M. to help us feel seen. "That's me in the corner/That's me in the spotlight/Losing my religion...Oh no, I've said too much/I haven't said enough..." Watching this video really brought that song (and how I used to listen to it over and over in the 90s) to mind. I felt like only Michael Stipe knew what it was like to be me. Thank god for the evolution of psychology and the Interwebz!
That's so real omggg!
OMG I JUST REALIZED THAT
Iv been stuck in this for a year 😔 it's become obsessive and your helping alot. Thankyou
The only way I got over limerence was becoming aware that I used it during times of stress as a way to escape, then distancing myself from the object of limerence. Then to make it less severe with the next person I made sure to set standards so that I question who the person really is and if they can meet them.
Wow this is me to a T. I've always struggled forming relationships and this has caused a deep anguish in my life, which I now realize I try to alleviate through limerance. As I watch my friends progress with their life, form relationships, marry, have kids and so on, it's like my life stays the same and it's unbearable . So I spiral into this never ending cycle of limerance and toxic shame. The trauma from this is so heavy there are times I almost collapse to the floor, the sudden realization that I obviously don't mean shit, or else someone would have chosen me by now. But this desperation is turning into frustration and anger, and I feel something shaking inside of me, longing to burst forth and be free, and I truly believe that God's going to take this grief and trauma and turn it into something awe inspiring and astounding and it all begins with self love.
a shout out to all this experiencing this, it is not easy. Just know that there is love out there once you find you authentic selves and find self love.
10 years. Also depressed. A couple of attempts against my life. This is unfair. A real nightmare. So much pain.
8:57 Yeah, the periods where I most fantasized about romance were when I was at my worst: When I realized my career was not what I wanted to study and I felt so anxious, I isolated myself.
Also on my teen years when I didn't had many friends.
Those were also the periods when I touched myself excessively, it was related to the romantic fantasies too.
Damn, Heidi! Where were you when I was in my 20s? This hit HARD. I went through months where it felt like my romantic fantasies were all that kept me breathing, and the alternatives were unfathomable or too terrible to be considered.😅
Fantastic video! Thank you for breaking down this topic so beautifully, and with such empathy.
She is so smart
I am smarter
@@yourknightmanny🗿
Welp. This video changed my life. And watching it during Venus retrograde! I loved your point about our maladaptive habits once being adaptive. Instead of being angry at myself for doing this all my life, I should have compassion on the child who had to use her imagination to feel loved.
Compassion for our inner child is the toot we needed to feel limerant- how sad
I never realized this thanks for explaining this.
❤️
❤
Sending love your way. ❤❤❤ You are worthy of love just as you are.
This is a brilliant, beautifully articulated video! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽Limerence was an emotional survival technique for me for years. Until I finally realized that any inclination to engage in limerant behavior is an indication of an unmeet need within myself (in my case, the need to be seen and heard). When I started meeting the need through meditation, journaling, being in nature, etc; the limerence began to decrease/cease.
Limerance caught my attention so I just read a medical journal article about it. 😮 wow! This describes me so well. I’ve been healing my “love addiction” for a few years now but limerence hits the nail on the head. Wow I’m shook
Learning about Limerence has been super eye-opening for me. I never even knew the word existed until about a year ago. Im 36, and feel I've been doing this my entire life. I'm especiallu caught up in it right now and it's making me feel super uneasy. Watching this video makes me want to cry for my childhood self. I don't rememeber too much of my childhood. Other than it was devoid of love and emotional support. What happened to me to develop this coping mechanism? To prefer to live in fantasy rather than real love? What is real love? Makes me sad.
Real love is the act of benefiting something or someone you value.
and why didn't you made your dream come true? because you didn't act out on it?
why did you put that concept on caps anyway
Nicely said :) I’m also going through this right now and just realized.
What happened to you IS your childhood was devoid of love and support - that’s why you developed a fantasy strategy to “manifest” it for yourself!! ❤
you’re amazing but i’m laughing cause i’m literally romantic maladaptive daydreaming as i watch this , it brings me so much comfort. thanks for sharing your work.
Limerence rears it's head when one is low in serotonin. So if i'm limerence, i immedietely realise i'm simply low in serotonin, I take myo-inositol (night) or methelene blue (day)and it goes away.
Interesting thanks
Inositol is such a blessing 🙌
Why methylene blue?
I’m speechless, I wish I could hear this when I was in my 20’s , I can even remember when it started I remember when I was a little girl every time something hard happened to me I was going to my fantasy world I even can remember when all children was fighting to not go to bed early me it was the moment I was looking forward because I knew I would have all this fantasy world and that I would feel good
I have been like this since childhood, and never really had anyone speak about it in a way I truly understood. Thank you! ❤
0:00 Welcome to the Channel
0:22 The concept of (Adaptive) Limerence
1:39 Co-regulation vs Self-regulation
3:19 Limerence as a Self-regulating Adaptation
4:58 Sign #1: You have an intense fear of reality intruding upon your fantasy world.
7:52 Sign #2: You go through periods of being significantly more or less limerent.
10:04 Sign #3: You feel whole and complete in your fantasies but not in real life.
13:54 Sign #4: You enjoy reflecting on your interactions with the limerent object more than you enjoy having them.
16:38 Sign #5: Romantic fixation is serving as a replacement for true connection & intimacy.
19:38 Ressources
20:36: Conclusion
Thanks so much
Thank you.. I hoped this was limerence so I could tell myself to shut up, but now I feel like I’m running away from the fact that this actually is a complicated situation that I’m not making up… sigh
@@kristelpi652 Relationships can be terribly complex to sort out. I hope you figure out how best to deal with yours xox
@@redenavari thank you :))
Thank you 👍🏼
Heidi, this is life-changing content. As someone who feels like the poster child for C-PTSD, I'm so grateful you're out here drawing these connections for us with such an informative and caring tone.
When I was in college I followed this couple on social media and pretended I was the feminine so that I could cope with college and being lonely… realizing that am limerant when I’m extremely busy and can’t have a real relationship, I stay in this space even when the relationship is over and lingers for months or years..I avoid relationships all together because I don’t want to get my heart broken, I feel like I won’t be accepted.
Yes, I'm very prone to limerence. I've recently started thinking it's due to my mom telling me how people don't/ won't like me. So I imagine people accepting the me that I wish I were, which is more extroverted, flirty, etc. Unfortunately, I've never been in a real romantic relationship or have not dated for a significant amount of time (dating is weird tbh).
I've been diagnosed with ADHD and think I am more demisexual in terms of how feelings develop for me. But because the reality of actual men is pretty negative and since my anxiety is bad as a single woman, I'm coming to terms that it probably will my lifelong status.
Wow, I felt like I was reading a page out of my own autobiography. I'm right there with you in the exact same boat.
I feel you. 💌
" So I imagine people accepting the me that I wish I were, which is more extroverted, flirty, etc. " This is very relatable, and well expressed.
Thank you for expressing this. I have the same exact experience and it can be very lonely.
Love to hear there’s more like me :)
It’s 100% myself
I have only felt truly seen a handful of times in my life, it's so so rare, I guess cause I'm autistic so most people don't get me or relate to me or my struggles, but being truly seen and understood is probably the deepest craving and longing I have in my life and it's so heavy to carry
You cover Limerence with such clarity and depth. Very impressive work, thank you!
I’ve had this in my “watch later” for months because I knew this would apply to me but I wasn’t ready to hear it then. I guess that shows how deep in this i was. I’m still not really sure what caused me to fall into limerence again this last time but it’s such a relief to know more about what was going on for me so I can try to have some more functional connections and self-soothing mechanisms going forward. This last bout of limerence had me so messed up in every aspect of life, or maybe i was limerent because life was messed up. Anyway this is all just to say I deeply deeply appreciate this video and how you normalize and name these patterns so we can work to break them.
Thank you, Heidi. I'm dealing with a very painful and heart-wrenching breakup and this video helped me realize that I was definitely limerent in how I related to my former partner. There were other factors at play, to be sure, but from my current perspective (i.e.: after the epiphany brought on by your explanation of how limerence can manifest in a relationship) I can't deny that I was absolutely relying on the fantasy of the relationship I built up in my head, as opposed to what the relationship itself actually was. Being able to name and address the behaviors associated with limerence will help me have better future relationships.
Thank you so much.
That was 100% me especially in my teenage years. Every crush I had, real or not, was my way to cope with life. I would go from crush to crush just get that feeling of “being in love”. I finally broke that pattern with my current bf when I started dating because I genuinely thought we had a certain potential. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviours and beliefs to understand what was going on and how to make the difference between the two😅
this is a very pertinent issue for me. i experienced a lot of abandonment and loss from a young age and frequently self soothe through fantasy. started relatively innocent (I used to just have fantasies about animated characters) and then as I developed it transitioned into real people which was super jarring. I still struggle to this day, but have made attempts to expose myself to these connections in order to gauge my own reactions. I love what you said about THANKING myself because that’s truly what it was! how else was I supposed to get the love and care I needed? now i’ve got an incredible sense of creativity and imagination. it’s just come at such an unfortunate cost.
Same here. One of my limerent fantasies about fictional characters was so good I decided to write it down. It's been helping me write a metaphor about my child abuse and make sense of it - and writing peers really love the story!
Relate so much and so grateful you shared. We’re not alone.
it feels like y'all have a piece of the formula but not the whole thesis to make your dreams come true.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
I had episodes of limerence since I was a teenager, and I guess I didn't understand how unhealthy all that was. But in the last episode I knew I had some problem, because I felt really desperate, as if I couldn't control my mind any more. Maybe this is one of the worst experiences one can have: to feel like one can't control his own mind... an obsession out of control. I even didn't want to ever fall in love after that, because I didn't want to lose control over my mind ever again. Since I learned about limerence I can finally understand the nightmares I went through.
no seriously till this day.
Literally what happened to me
this is me! people would see as weird the fact that i was more invested with my crushes during exam periods, but for me was super necessary to be able to disconnect a bit from my reality 😅
You have by far the best information on dealing with the reality of childhood traumas.
It takes alot of work to become mentally balanced in reality but its so worth it in the long run 🙏💖
This is such an excellent discussion of Limerance. I read the Dorothy Tannov book because I had fallen into limerance with a friend. Your discussion is extremely helpful.
its crazy that all of this actually has a name and even a reason! Instead of feeling ashamed for being too obsessive, I am eventually feeling compassion for myself and can see how necessary it was for me to be so all my life! Thank you!
It is interesting to see that currently I have someone being interested in seeing and getting to know me and someone that is only interested in keeping a surface-level, physical relationship and of course i have limerence towards the second one while I dont even want to see the first one because the intimacy in my head is way less scary than the one that could actually develop in real life.
I developed limerence in childhood as a way to experience healthy love and sexuality because I've been sexually abused, so in my head I have this man that keeps me safe while the men in my life are abusing me. I am an adult now and I use it to self regulate when I need human connection which I don't have access to, my history of SA actually got me bullied as an adult and pushed the people that might have gotten close to me away because I was excluded and made fun of. So now I really use it and I have always been aware I use it as a substitute for intimacy. I also use it in order to explore my toxic shame in my mind as well because I really cringe at how perfect I imagine myself to be with this person that doesn't exist and sometimes it gets pretty toxic because I get mad at this fictional man for liking me and I cry for 2 days. I really should stop doing that, it's like I am trying to prevent myself from thinking I am good and deserving of love in order not to expect it in real life. I realised I get really scared when I use a person from real life in my limerence mistaking it for actual interest and being ashamed that I even think I could be with that person, when it's in fact my mind trying to get some tenderness from real life as well after I've bullied my imaginary friend into not liking me. My problem with toxic shame is I don't expect any person, let alone a man to understand my SA history, and I don't expect them to soothe that in me and be gentle. In my mind if I cannot be SA free then I am not a healthy person and I cannot put another person in a position to deal with that. Yes, rationally I know I am deserving of love but I don't know, from a parent, from a friend, not romantically, I cannot expect that from someone. The irony is I've survived rape multiple times, I was brave enough to know how to manipulate grown men as a child and was able to avoid some things but not others, the irony is I am so proud of that yet so ashamed.
Thank you for making this video. For a long time I saw my pattern but I didn’t understand why I kept falling into this trap. About 6 months ago I figured out that I was self regulating and it made me feel very sorry for myself. But after hearing someone, you, say that I was giving myself something I needed, it made me thinking differently. I feel less ashamed and that takes a lot of the weight off so I can begin to focus on finding other ways to feel loved, even if it’s just me loving myself.
Your limerence videos are the best out there; i've already discovered a lot about myself from them; i went no contact with a guy i was in limerence with who has toxic traits and thankfully, i'm still NC and going strong. I was in limerence with him because of all the things you said in your vids: self regulation, experiencing an emotion I wouldn't experience without this guy, not dealing with my shadow self. But I think what truly and completely heals limerence is facing the reality-when I found out the guy was toxic and was not the nice guy I made him to be in my mind, my limerence vanished. That proves that we are in love with the idea of these people and not with who they truly are. It's a selfish state of mind. THX for all your info on this topic.
oh my god. wow. this is almost overwhelmingly shocking and quite sad really, how it reflects my experience so accurately. but also extremely refreshing and freeing to know that there's a name for what I've experienced all my life and that I can now get on the journey to healing with this newfound knowledge. thank you so much. It's astonishing how unconscious these patterns of behavior can be. and how in denial our minds can be. it's just an overall confusing and strange phenomenon created by unfortunate childhood trauma and unstability of our younger life.
All I know is limerance. Reality is disappointing, boring, smells not always pleasant, arguments, demands etc. The illusion is to just show you there's nothing out there. You mention some true, secure connection but hold on a minute! That's already a fantasy. Relationships fail, nothing lasts and nothing really completely satisfies. It's good to be aware what's going on but being aware in order to improve something is another illusion. Limerance, connection, relationships etc - do we fall for it because we can't stand being on our own? Many women cause me limerance and there's always huge relief when they disappear from my life. Mind becomes clear and calm and I think I value it more than connections. My advice is cut contact with fantasised person, if you can't at least don't look at them.
In the last years I've gained awareness of my limerence and that has helped me identify and manage limerent episodes more rationally, now they don't really last because I'm so hyper conscious of what my brain is doing when limerence starts developing, like I'm more in control. Without limerence I've had to face loneliness like a real thing, so sometimes I kinda miss having that ''easy escape'' from my emotional needs, and I'm tempted to slip back and ignore my own awareness and pretend it's real this time so I can fill that void. But I wouldn't go back, being able to understand and control my limerence was such a big step. I still have so much work to do though.
Thank you. This pattern has been very dominant and nearly unavoidable for me in the past. It ruined my school days, my ability to study and work and eventually my mental health. I have been able to identify its dangers more effectively as I grew older and had more therapy. We all need these words to identify the condition, like limerance, obsession, secure attachment, self image and shame. But there is more. The connection with attachment disorders, insecure attachment, trauma and other disorders can help us all to find out what is making this happen time and time again. It can be a type of obsessive compulsive disorder, combined with autism spectrum disorder and a tendency to ruminate. It can be adhd with its messy head and rejection sensitivity, or it may sometimes be a side effect of hormones like oestrogen, especially when you have large hips and fat legs. Medication, sleep pattern improvement, healthy food choices, physical exercize and therapy may all prove to create a way out. Another round of thinking of your loved one never does. Help yourself...
spot on
I’ve thought about this for years, but you’ve put it in terms that make more sense than I’ve ever been able to make of it. Thanks much.
This was so beautifully explained. Well done! I wish to God I'd had this information years ago when I was in the thick of it. I was drowning in toxic shame and self-loathing, had no idea how to get out of it, and no idea how to get through each day except via these exact types of fantasies you describe. So many days I couldn't wait to get home and spend hours and hours filling dozens of pages in my journal analyzing my object's smile and movements and the two-sentence interaction we had. That was the highlight of my very miserable, lonely life at the time. It kept me alive and kept me going. Recovered alcoholics will sometimes say that alcohol saved their life because the pain of reality was just too much. Limerence was my drug/tool of choice.
Great video Heidi! The most important relationship is with ourselves. And changing core beliefs is essential to true change. Once we see that shame is illogical and self imposed we can step outside of it and feel empowered and love ourselves more. Also the fantasy of another isn’t entirely negative - if one uses it as an aspiration of becoming a better version of oneself it can be a motivator towards deep change. Labeling things as problems or as negative only reinforces the negative aspects.
I also want to add to this that, especially in the arts, limerence is normalised and even respected. Having a "rich fantasy" in the sense of being creative and limerence are often confused, and sometimes this type of behaviour is encouraged or romanticised. I guess this is partially why it took me a long time to realise I use maladaptive daydreaming as a way to self-soothe.
Thank you!! I loved the idea of thanking myself for developing this to keep myself afloat. Having a conversation with my inner child and letting them know that we don’t need it anymore was very profound. Thank you Heidi you are changing and saving peoples lives with this content.
I needed this information 20 years ago! 🤦🏾♀️🥴
I've experienced this my entire life. I'm 30 now. I've never dated, kissed, or anything. After all the physical abuse I endured as a child, as well as witnessing others being abused, my mother decided to tell me that all girls were terrible people and that all kids did at parties was do drugs and have sex. She said that the kids who got to hang out farther away from home had parents that didn't care about them "like she did about me." She wouldn't allow me to get a job or do anything that would make me genuinely attractive to someone. There was so much more that happened, and through it all, I never learned how to get close to girls. To this day, I haven't been able to genuinely forget any of the girls I was limerant for in my past, and I just want one real relationship. I just let a girl go that I was limerant for today at work. I was honest with her and told her what was going on. She was so understanding. She was genuinely my friend, and i got very close to her. We are so similar in so many ways. I'm proud of myself for what I did. I've never been able to do that. I wanted to be responsible because I knew it could go south quick, so I think I did the right thing. But it hurts so much. I have all the memories of her still, and I'm still going to have to see her every day at work. I hope that I can overcome this soon. Because I'm afraid that when I do overcome it, I'll be too old and inexperienced for anyone to want me.
Love the video and learned a ton! So in my mind - Limerence is like a fantasy ocd self soothing tool… it may not just be just a ‘crush’…. It can look like having an obsession with celebrities or sports stars and where you know every detail of their lives, cars or tools in where you know everything about that subject, job / careers in where that is your only focus, money - daydreaming about winning lottery, living abroad or a different lifestyle, being a superhero - like a job where u save the day… I can go on and on… it’s just a way to self soothe and escape!
Wow I never thought this is what I was going. I use my mind and fantasy as a way to get away just like tv!
oh my god. this is what it was all along. I get so emotionally attached to the point that i start going batshit crazy and fantasizing all day long and its happening again now that im feeling low lately and its happened some years ago too when my parents were on the verge of a divorce and the thouhht of this guy and his validation was the only thing keeping me going and i became really obsessed😭 its time to deep dive into my emotions
Growing up with no emotional support from my parents and severe social anxiety, i did not have any forms of co-regulation. As a kid and teenager i was ALWAYS daydreaming about being in love with someone and if that fantasy was not of a celebrity or character, i was "in love" with a boy at school. Wow.
Absolutely brilliant. This needs to be taught in every high school curriculum. Thank you.
I've been watching a ton of self help stuff in the last few years (especially now, since life has thrown a couple curve balls my way) and there were 2 things that really helped me this week:
- Everyone has a feeling of having a hole inside them. Lots of people try to put external validation, distractions, etc in the hole to feel better but it can just make the hole bigger. All we can do is take healthy steps to shrink the hole so it's not some yawning psychological chasm.
- this tiktok of a guided exercise from a super old episode of Oprah. You close our eyes, picture your first childhood home that you can remember. You picture your childhood self and you validate their feelings, let them know you know exactly what they're going through and ask them to leave your childhood home because you would really love if they would move in with you. You have the kid pack a little bag, grab a pet if you had one and you carry them out of there. You wave goodbye to your family and you tell them you're gonna make it and you're gonna be their champion. You show your child-self all the good things ahead of you and the people waiting for you who love you. Then, just with your child-self you, you tell them you're so happy they are who they are and that they're with you. That you love them and you're gonna have fun together. Then imagine you can put the child in your heart so you can feel them.
The other day I caught myself regulating my emotions by thinking about my crush and I realized I was trying to fit that person into that hole. So I stopped and thought about the Oprah exercise. I validated and put my child-self in the hole and it almost instantly took me out of the romantic fantasy.
*Edit: If you want the official version, look up “John Bradshaw Oprah childhood wounds seminar pt.2B”*
That’s the quick version, but there are about 5 parts to the whole episode/seminar if you wanna do the whole thing
Thank you so much!
Oh god, your third paragraph. I couldn't even read that without tearing up. Dammit.
@@ballman2010 seriously, it feels like the emotional equivalent of pulling a piece of glass out of your foot!
If you want the official version, look up “John Bradshaw Oprah childhood wounds seminar pt.2B”
I think there are 5 parts in total (1A-3), but 2B is the part I was talking about
thank you for sharing this practice.
This is lovely; thank you.
you just blew my mind this problem was ruining my relationships 😭 thank you so much for this
Fantasizing that we’re gonna work together and have a magical life building shit and traveling with all the money we make 😂 I am in a moderate amount of limernace right now cause I have those fantasies but I come back down to earth quite quickly and remember my own goals cause I find myself fantasizing about intertwining him in my life after knowing each other for three months as friends and recently started seeing each other romantically. These kinds of teachings help me a lot! Thank you ❤️
I just want to thank you so very much for this video. I’ve had the hardest time with naming whatever this is and knowing if my feelings were true. I had noticed that anytime my life becomes stressful I look to this fantasy instead of remembering that I have all the qualities I think are so great in this person within myself. I have mevrr seen your videos. Don’t even know how this ended up on my feed. But if, you are reading this….you just gave a 48 year old professional woman an aha moment. I’m so grateful.
Thank you so much for this. I have looked into limerence so many times and although it kinda does resonate, this video as to the WHY relates to my situation so much its unreal. I will listen a few times and talk it through with my therapist next week but it makes sense. I have ADHD and get hyperfixated on people easily, but although I am now married and have been for a long time 20+ years, during that time - the last 14 years, there have been two people that I have been absolutely obsessed with. I did not want a relationship with either, not a long term committed thing anyway. WIth the first one - which lasted 11 years altogether although there were several long breaks during that time, I could never explain what it was. It was just the feeling of connection, simply that. Even when we met up last summer for the first time in 12 years (I'd gotten over him 3 years before last summer), the connection between us was incredible. I got closure, when I was able to explain everything about how I had felt about him. He understood, we laughed about it, and we moved on. There was never an actual relationship there. But the more recent person, the attraction to him was sexual. It was carnal, raw desire. Had he ever have made a sexual pass at me, I would have been putty in his hands. There was a mutual something between us, something unspoken but it all came to a head last year when I was open to him about it and he didn't respond the way I had hoped. I still feel he felt something too, for sure. I think it was a mutual limerence but we were unable to act and both being moral people, there was no intention on either side - although the temptation was there. Anyway - to cut to the chase, I have been in therapy for over a year and I am finally unearthing all that stuff that needs healing. I fantasise, a lot - I am in my head a lot. I have never learned to feel my emotions properly, had always been dismissed as a child by my parents because they couldnt handle my emotional side (I'm very sensitive). Learning to move out of my head and into my body has been an absolute game changer for me - I am more present in my day to day life, I have cut ties and social media links with the more recent person and I am determined to move forward in life now he no longer occupies my brain. However - the missing link is the content of this video which will help enormously. Thank you again :)
i was in a relationship where my ex boyfriend would consistently cross boundaries because of his fantasies. went from agreeing to casually date to wanting to agree that we’d live together, only two weeks into dating. it’s as if he didn’t live in reality and instead his emotions. whenever i would explain bc we’d only been together for a few weeks and i was planning on getting my masters so i didn’t want children, he’d brush me off and continue to insist i would eventually want kids and we’d move in together. it was especially scary, because he’d guilt trip me for needing days to myself to work on exams and homework when we were both full time college students. even if i did want kids, his inability to be alone at my expense and lack of listening would’ve made it hard for him to parent a child or raise a family on a single house hold income.
That sounds more like borderline or narcissistic personality disorder to me. Especially if they quickly moved on to someone else afterwards (or before!).
@@WS-dd8owa lot of individuals with BPD use limerence quite a bit because BPD is strong emotions around being abandoned
@@comprendersi1444 Never thought of equating the idealization phase in BPD with limerence, but I could see how it somewhat fits the description. I more so associate limerence with OCD and depression though. I'm not sure that borderlines experience the melancholic aspects of limerence during idealization.
These videos always smack me in the face with the truth right when I need it
First time i hear about this Limerence.
I feel related to this at a deep level.
Thanks you very much.
OMG!! Thank you so much for doing this. Really want to work through this and stop using it for self-regulation. I have been through a lot and I'm glad my mind protected me and soothed me when needed. But now it's getting to a point where I'm finding romantic intimacy impossible and I really want to work through this. Please continue this series, will really help me personally. Loads of love for doing this!💗💝
What an eye-opener! Never looked at it this way. Heelllll, this is all true.