I thought the tweet you were going to bring up was the one that said "Dating is really just finding someone whose parents fucked them up in a compatible way to how your parents fucked you up." - but I suppose that's more leaning into attachment theory lol
My limerance doesnt start until their attention becomes intermittent or the month or so after a break up. Ive realized this is my way to handle abandonment anxiety 😮
After learning about limerence, attachment style, CPTSD, etc. I am scared that I will always be attracted to unhealthy people. I dated someone secure who started to feel boring and predictable, which became dull and annoying. My next relationship was so limerent, toxic, anxious/avoidant but I felt it was thrilling. Is there hope for me to heal enough to become genuinely attracted to healthy people without feeling bored? And if so, how can I do that? Words cannot express my gratitude to you for all that you do, Heidi. You are one of the brightest beacons of light on my healing journey, and I tell pretty much everyone I know about your channel.
I resonate hugely with this comment as a way I felt for much of my life. And it’s something I have a different perspective on now! So, will start working on a video about it 😊 thanks for the (unintentional) prompt.
@@theskyizblue2day431 yep, on a single healing journey since my breakup and planning to stay single for at least 6 months, maybe a year so I can focus on healing.
@@heidipriebe1 Thank you so much Heidi 🤩 In the back of my mind, I'm like "Well if I just find someone who leans avoidant but is also self-aware and focused on healing, maybe it'll be just thrilling enough to excite me but also not toxic and at least somewhat healthy" ...which I know is a problematic thought pattern to have, but I'm working on it. 😅Looking forward to the video, and of course all of your other content!
I’ve always been a big fan of the show Frasier, and there’s a great quote in an episode: “you weren’t in love WITH her, you were in love AT her.” And while in the show it does work out for those characters in the end, I think that’s a great quote to use to check in with ourselves.
if this was Niles and Daphne, definitely 😄. Niles never saw the real Daphne, he saw this Angel/Princess that fell from heaven, not the maid from England that washed his brother's underwear. I am, really glad that it worked out. That HAD to have a happy ending. But it probably only had a happy ending because, Niles knew the real Daphne, she lived in his brother's house, he saw her all the time, she wasn't in some far away city or country living a life that he knew nothing about. He knew exactly what her life was, and he loved her anyway. I love Frasier.☺
@@ebbyc1817 Haha yup, that's exactly who it is! If you're not familiar with the episode, it's when they finally start dating and have their first real argument, Niles gets a bit of a reality check. Frasier points out exactly what you said - Niles had a perfect, idealized version of Daphne built up in his head, but now they have a chance to get to know each other for real, flaws and all.
@@BrandonOutside I was thinking of that ! ☺THAT was when Niles finally SAW Daphne, when they had their first argument. Shattered the fantasy. and you can imagine that he was limerent because, his mother died when he was young. Poor Niles. Full disclosure: Right now I'm limerent on you. "Brandon loves Frasier, omygodddd" hahahahaha
The reason that we need people like Heidi is that so much of our pop culture is full of these fictional examples of limerent relationships that somehow magically work out in the end. Many of us who grew up on television have internalized these as examples to imitate. Disney, in particular, has disturbing habit of taking a fairytale where a limerent character meets a tragic end, and changing the ending so that everyone lives happily ever after. These fairy tales were tragedies for a reason.
I don’t think I’ve laughed out loud to myself so much during a psychology vid. Felt like I was being read for filth with every question 😭😭 mouth hanging open as I get reality checked, this is the brutally honest support I needed, thank you
For me, as someone who is limerant prone, I noticed that taking time away from dating (1 year), working on my traumas and self worth in therapy that it was much easier for me to decipher the difference (not that ive ever been in love, but limerence happens automatically). The major difference for me is what happens at a nervous system level. Meeting someone who made me feel calm, peaceful and safe AND knowing it had nothing to do with me as a person if we decided to stop seeing eachother. That was everything for me.
Q1. How big is the gap between the way the relationship exists in your mind vs. what it actually is in reality? (Obsessively thinking about romantic fantasies existing way into the future) Q2. Am I genuinely open to finding out info about this person that would disqualify them as a potential partner? Q3. Am I aware of potential problems that may arise out of this dynamic? Q4. What do I want from this person in reality vs. psychologically? And how realistic are my psychological expectations of them? Q5. How different do you feel about yourself when you imagine being loved by this person vs not being loved by this relationship? (If they don’t reciprocate your affection, does it raise questions on your self concept, self esteem or self worth?)
Great video. Experiencing the opposite of limerence isn't any better. You are actively looking for red flags and fear trusting your own or your partner's feelings, hurting both in the process, and being in a relationship with a limerent partner feels as if you are not chosen for who you are and there's no genuine interest to get to know you as a person, you are there to play an imagined predetermined role which has very little to do with the real you. That's basically every avoidant/anxious relationship, at least at the beginning. No wonder we hurt each other so much.
Ou, ou, ou, you're confusing several big/little things here. Anxious -Avoidant relationships have nothing to do with limerence. They are based on attachment styles. The relationship isn't 'imagined' , it is quite real. The reality of the relationship, is what causes the friction. In limerence, there is no friction. Everything is perfect. Everything is perfect, because there is no actual relationship yet. The person imagines themselves to be in a relationship with the other person. This could be based on as little as their voice, or their first name. Limerence ends when the actual relationship is formed. Kind of like how you stop having a crush on someone once you start having a relationship with them. Your bf/gf can't be your crush.
@@ebbyc1817 That's not true at all. Depending on how dysfunctional someone is, they can stay limerent for years. I can't tell you how many times I've heard stories about someone's painful divorce with "I thought if I could just love him/her enough they would change, but they never did..."
@@wendyparise2925 they would be. But limerence, and a relationship where you're insecurely attached to your partner, whether you're anxious, you keep chasing them, or avoidant, you keep running from them, are not the same thing. I gave the example of a crush. You would never say you have a crush on your boyfriend or girlfriend.. A crush is like limerence, you get fixated on the person, but they are more like a lego piece in your mind. You could have a full-blown relationship with them, without them even knowing about it. It's basically a kind of psychosis, like a temporary madness. It could drive you to think they are the ones after you, like this person is always making passes at me. Technically you could be in some kind of relationship, maybe you've gone on a few dates, maybe you sit next to them at work, maybe you see them at the gym, but what you're imagining is not what is actually going on in real life. In your head they're a completely different person, and you have a completely different relationship with them. It's kind of scary when you think about it. Imagine being the object of someone else's limerence.
I wish I'd found your videos on limerence before i got married... I am now married to an abusive man with a serious personality disorder and covert narcissism because of being completely uneducated about limerence, yet completely sucked in to every aspect of it that you have described. I honestly thought it was love - it was soooo powerful!! But when the abuse intensified after the wedding and i ended up having no other option for mine and my children's safety than to call the police, i pulled back and started looking at things differently. I've learned so much helpful stuff. I just wish i had have known BEFOREHAND.
As a midlifer, trying to move past all the trauma, and keeping myself open, this is very helpful. You give me the language to help me navigate, thank you Heidi. 💌
I started learning about Limerence a little while ago, feeling something unsettling going on in my relationship. I realize there were some unhealthy patterns going on, and after talking at length, and a lot of work, we ended it. So much of this applies to me, particularly outsourcing my self-esteem without realizing it. I got Covid and had to isolate totally and I noticed that I became much happier over the course of a week, after months of depression. I was too delirious to even interact digitally and in that negative space I found my mind reconnecting with itself. That made me really realize something was wrong. The relationship had disconnected me from myself because of limerence on my part. Limerent anxious + fearful/avoidant, What a painful dance. I can already tell I dislike who I became while in that state I wasn’t being my best self.
You hit a nerve that I didn't know existed. Once I started watching this video and wanted to not listen so much I knew it was something I needed to listen to even more. You definitely touched on some things that I know I'm still working on. But I made great progress in these areas. Listening to this video gave me a few more tolls to put my emotional toolbox to handle life. As always, I appreciate your content Heidi. Please keep it coming. ❤️😊
I am 32 years old and thanks to you, I have finally learned that there is a term and a well-understood concept for this thing I’ve done my whole life. It was so bad and went so unchecked that now I am coming to the end of a 10 year long limirent marriage. Thankfully, we are still friends and will be able to transition amicably, but I am daily astounded at how little I understood myself and how I got here. I am SO thankful for your content. It has been a pivotal piece to the puzzle of me becoming free and truly myself. Thank you so, so, so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I’ve been crushing on and experiencing limerence towards girls my whole life. My first serious relationship failed spectacularly, due to physical distance and my self-esteem issues. Then, 4 years ago I met a wonderful man who I have been living with ever since. We’re close friends and I’ve started to develop feelings for him, feelings that I‘ve never experienced before. I call them mature feelings, because I can genuinely see us being a family, having children together and living together peacefully. It all feels calm, not obsessive like everything before and it took me a few years to recognise my feelings and accept them (especially because I had identified as gay for so long). He knows it, but nothing has come of it yet. This video has helped me see how much I have matured and healed and what I still need to work on, like actually opening up to him more. Thank you!
Heidi you are a real breath of fresh air on the Internet. I appreciate your clear, nonjudgmental, detailed analysis of relationship difficulties in the 21st century.
#4 nailed it for me. I recently discontinued with a therapist mostly because I started to place ridiculously high psychological expectations of them. I had never experienced that degree of empathy and positive regard from someone and I started to develop limerence like feelings for them. This is really unfair to them because I know deep down they aren’t always this “ therapy person” and live a regular life like everyone else. The safe space she created though was incredible. All this began to make me develop unrealistic expectations of who and what she is. I just honestly never felt this safe around someone. But when you go through these questions you can tease out the real meanings behind all this. Maybe therapy situations do create a kind of limerence.. or what the Freud folks would call transference. I think I am coming to grips with a lot of this but honestly I still do think about her just about everyday. The therapy was so helpful that I didn’t want to become this cliched person who falls in love with the therapist. That seems so Hollywood. These videos are incredible and the best part is how you use your own life as examples of these issues.
The reality of my life long limerence makes me feel nauseous, I have always had a limerence going on at some point and the magical warm fantasy has been a source of self regulation, I am working hard to realise that my current crush of 3 years is actually a object of limerence, and although he does like me it is nothing solid or real (nothing he seems to want enough) and letting go of this is painful and also sobering, its an ongoing process as some day's I feel myself getting pulled back to the fantasy land....it is a bit upsetting and does shine a light on my childhood trauma, thanks for the videos they really help 🙏
I know you probably get a lot of these but I wanted to say that these videos have really helped my personal life in so many ways. I appreciate I have a way to go yet and there may be no 'end', but these videos give me the nudge I need to help myself. I'm very grateful.
I feel like I'm being called out but I also feel like it's a good thing. There's so much that I was doing to myself I didn't even realize. This is really helping me become more self-aware and present.
Wow I did a bunch of these things in my last long relationship, especially towards the end when it was falling apart-- I got incredibly limerant trying to hold on to it in my mind and justify how things were still okay. The ironic thing is I felt so much better about myself after ending it, I feel like I woke up from a big delusion and was so relieved to just be with myself for the first time in a long time. Of course having had such strong bouts of limerance that wreaked havoc in my life makes me a bit hesitant to try a relationship again, but I know the only way to really get over it is to go through it so I'm glad to listen to this stuff and see the contrast of healthy/unhealthy perception more clearly.💖💖
I am deeply flawed and learning about my wounds is a very frightening and awakening experience. I pray this knowledge and realization will help me heal and finally live the life I always dreamed of having.
Heidi I couldn’t help but chuckle during the entire video. Not because it was funny I felt personally attacked and embarrassed. This was totally me with my ex we were incompatible for several reasons mentioned in this video. I was living in fantasy land. I will certainly put to practice crush/mind exercise in the future. Great video as always.
Now that I'm coming down or getting back to normal, I found myself chuckling as well. Over the past two years I was in a fantasy - limerant hell! Feels great to see light at the end of my self constructed tunnel.
I'm pretty on the fence with most of these. I definitely feel sky-high when she reciprocates, but my self-esteem around others has never been higher than since meeting her. At 25 years old, this is the first time I've ever wanted a single specific person to like me back, so much that I feel like the stereotype of a 15-year old girl sometimes obsessing over how I look and trying to pick up her interests. I've pushed myself to "grow up", get healthier, more social, and interesting in the span of a few months and overall just feel better about myself as if I knew the only way she should could ever like me is if I started caring for and being myself. I have fantasies about only hanging out and going on a nice dates, I force myself to approach because I know how lacking answers just makes things worse, I realize there's major differences between us which I'd resolve through acceptance and mediation, not concession or wishful thinking. Not sure what therapists' MO is on this kind of stuff, but the two I've seen have been encouraging about it with my more frequent one actually calling it love. The term "limerent" hasn't come up but I'll bring it up next time.
I had no idea what limerence was until a year or so ago. Once I learned about it, it was freeing. I felt this for a girl when I was in my mid and late teens. She was in my mind for years. If I would have understood limerence then, I would have saved myself years of agony.
Well this puts a different spin on 20 years of marriage. I'm going to have to say that under this description of limerance, that true love and limerance can coexist. Maybe it would be better to say that limerant patterns can exist within true love between two deeply wounded people. Or the other way around, that a deep real love can emerge through long term limerance. It's that we are far better at loving eachother than ourselves. Codependence and enmeshment? Absolutely. Lack of love, support, deeply knowing eachother, and acceptance? No. Therapy? Currently, lots. All that to say that I don't think it has to be one or the other, it can be both. Maybe I'm getting it wrong or misunderstanding or blind.
Yes. I believe I got into my relationship out of limerence, and have stuck with it out of real love. I'm in the awkward transition away from limerence and it's rough and relieving at the same time
Or all of the above ? 😃 That's a joke. As I understand it, you cannot be limerent over someone you have an actual real-life relationship with. Someone you see, live with, know. Limerence lives only in the realm of fantasy. You imagine a life with this person where you currently have no life with them. You may not even know their name. All you have is an image, or a voice.... I don't believe limerence and true love can co-exist either. It's almost an oxymoron, limerence and "true". Limerence is not true, it's false, it's a feeling based on something that does not exist.
@@ebbyc1817 are you saying once you get into a long term partnership limerence cannot exist? I can't tell what definition you are working with. I see a lot of relationships that started from limerence that last a long time and not purely because it's an abusive dynamic. I think it's rather black and white to imagine these relationships are totally loveless.
@@ebbyc1817I think it sounds like we have totally different definitions. When I was 16 I had a "relationship" with a girl where we held hands, hung out, snuggled, yet barely spoke to each other. I thought I was in love, and had all kinds of stories about what our relationship was and what our future would be, yet I hardly knew her beyond surface level. When she moved across the country to get married without parental permission to a mutual friend, I felt devastated and betrayed. If that wasn't Limerance with a person you have a relationship with, I don't know what is. I entered into this video with that episode in mind. As Heidi went through the point though, I had multiple "aww f#%@" moments in relation to my marriage. But with the depth of our caring, knowledge, connection (when it's good), and acceptance, I find it impossible that we don't truly love each other. But as an example of one of our limerant tendacies ... Deleted all examples due to personal nature. But to summarize, the story I have my self worth is tied to the nature of our relationship. And her relation to our relationship was, and was grumpy about, dependent on the toxic stories she had been told about what a marriage were, instead of the goodness within ours. So going by what I got out of this video, I think that love and limerance can coexist within the same relationship.
@@russellmingus2590 ok in my comment I was only referring to the relationship in your original comment, your marriage. I didn't know you were talking about other relationships.
To know the difference, ask yourself 1) How big is the gap between the relationship you imagine in your head and the relationship you have with this person in reality? I.e. how comfortable would you feel disclosing to them all your fantasies? If you're having obsessive romantic fantasies about someone you've been on one coffee date with, it's probably limerence. 2) Am I open to receiving information about this person that would disqualify them as a partner? There's a commitment to reality, to receiving both green and red flags about them. Limerence is a mental activity, not something that stems from a real life relationship. It's easy to disqualify red flags in this state because they might interrupt your fantasy life. The most important thing in limerence: what you experience on your own, not when you're with them. 3) Am I aware of potential problems that might arise from this dynamic, and open to non-delusional solutions to these problems? If you and your partner want different things, a non-limerent solution would be to just talk to them about it and suss out how set in your ways you both are. A limerent solution: I will just love him and magically everything will be alright. Or: I will just discard everything I want because the connection with them is more important than who they are. 4) What do I want from this person in reality v. what do I want from them psychologically? E.g. in a partnership with so there are certain practical things that are a part of dailyvlife + I rely on them for certain psychological needs. V. In a limerent situation, your psychological expectations are completely disproportionate. We have unrealistic needs like: my partner needs to make me feel good about myself all the time. And any time our partner doesn't fulfill that need, we react badly. 4) How well do you think about yourself when you're with them v. When you're not with them? In limerence, we project all our self-esteem needs on so, and if they like us = we like ourselves, but if they don't, we might go to a really dark place. In a non-limerent relationship, even if the relationship ends, our self-perception doesn't substantially change. (I must have missed a question, but these are my notes!)
It takes being really honest with yourself to own these issues. Thankyou Heidi for modelling this in your videos. You show people that you can avoid a whole lot of unnecessary drama in your life by noticing when you are trying to hide something from yourself and getting curious about why.
Thanks, Heidi! You're doing a very important work. Can't thank you enough for your generosity in sharing your own knowledge and insights for free. Take care and be safe ❤
You reminded me of my yoga instructor, she was saying things like "now we feel warm and pleasant" with big grin on her face, when in reality we were doing most painful and challenging stuff. It is kind of like your videos, they bring the pain but it is good.
I just learned about limerence a couple months ago and have been watching your videos ever since. If limerence is a spectrum I feel like I fall somewhere in the middle but moving in the healthier direction. In my 20s I was deep in limerence, but I learned over time that the emotional needs I was putting on the objects was were unfair at best. As someone who identifies as demi-sexual (needing an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction), my experiences are a little different from the example you used. I hate dating, I would NEVER jump into a lifelong fantasy with a stranger, its just not what would appeal to me in anyway. So, when I do start to develop romantic feelings for someone, usually its someone I already know pretty well - usually a best friend to be honest, and it never starts out romantically. Maybe what I experience is a mixture of genuine close relationship and feelings, but relying on some limerence to avoid the hurt of possible rejection based on history. Because in the past I've always told the person, and its never gone the way I'd hoped. AT the time they'd always say "we're just friends" but my intuition would lead me to feel like that was a lie. HOwever I'd respect their words.... often tho I'd find out years later that they DID have romantic feelings but for whatever reason, didn't pursue it. This has happened at least 3 times, so I struggle to trust my intuition. Anyway, lots to think about. I appreciate the videos. Although Im still a little cloudy on where I fall.
Thank you so much for this video!! I think this is the first time I've started a relationship where I HAVEN'T been limerant. This gives me hope!! 😍 P.S. I didn't realize that a person could be in limerance for 11 years!!
Cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for all your videos. I never knew how much potential I have to learn, grow, and heal. What you do is so important, thank you.
„…after the air balloon reaches the ground and you’re riding into the sunset for the honeymoon…“ 😂😂 Omg so good and spot on, these questions are worth gold 🙏🏼
thank you for this video! I watched the previous one and thought I didn't have limerence because I don't really escape to a fantasy about my partner, but as a self-identified codependent I am definitely placing my psychological needs, self worth and happiness on my partner which gives me a lot to think about
Hey Heidi, I think I just realised my partner of 10 years was limerant with me. I became really sick, and she left at my lowest point. Now I think it is because of all those things you said: I didn’t make her feel strong, sexy and cool anymore, because I was weak, could not maintain self care, and isolated. I totally get how hard it must have been for her, but on the other hand I’m horrified by the idea of doing that to someone. She absolutely found other ovjects representing those things and was drawn like a magnet to them. Unfortunately for me I stand to lose everything with this breakup, and I also still love her deeply, we were so compatible in most ways and I think the pandemic and other factors really put us in a pressure cooker so there is a lot of context for this largely out of character behaviour. On the other hand I know this self esteem issue runs deep. I suppose I have been devalued and discarded, but is there a chance she might let go of this ego defence, over time? Circumstances have changed (partly just fate and partly with huge effort on my part) and I no longer need to over ask of our relationship. I hated over asking but I had little choice at the time.
😮🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯more work for me to do in my healing process and thank you for all of your videos…. Virtual Hugs, if you allow that. I’ve commented before….Many thanks you wonderful Soul 🙏🏾
So helpful. Appreciate the insight, guidance and non judgmental support. Thank you for being a light that helps me find my way through my own dark places 💛
Sometimes learning the unknowns is part of the fun. But,other times it's like "why ruin a good relationship by getting to know one another" Have a nice time at your friend's wedding! I really enjoy your videos.
As someone who lived in limerince with a ton of my romantic interests, this video helped me realize the growth I've had and the work I still need to do. Thank you!
Question 2 reminds me of the difference between a hypothesis and an assumption; a hypothesis is falsifiable. In other words, you know what would tell you that your assumption was wrong, and if this is important, you can then go out and test it. It's the foundation of the scientific method, but it also fits nicely here; how would you know someone wasn't a good match for you? Is coming up with criteria difficult, or are those criteria extreme? Does the notion of verifying what you came up with fill you with fear?
This is an interesting topic. As a AA Codependent in recovery, I have in the past attracted BPD, BPD/NPD and Covert NPD/Anxious Avoidant types. Limerence was definitely there, however I did also note red flags (part of my recovery responses). The trouble with Narcissists is that they are very good at justifying, lying, subtly minimising the red flag indicators, in response, as they also mask themselves by mirroring you. It becomes a head spinning event every time, leading to one questioning their gut feelings, and judgment. Limerence adds to this confusion / fog. The effective way I found out (in hindsight) was to ask open questions, find out their "approach" to relational problem solving, remain silent, think whether you are compatible, then be strong to decide to either continue or not. I made the mistake of then discussing which approach was more constructive, which of course led to agreement, however the initial response (which was the true approach) ought to have meant I ended it. This is because you can't "change" others, nor should you expect that they will change for you. Conversations had about approach, should be a fact finding exercise, not leading to attempts to change. The "relationship" lasted 11 months, when it ought to have been ended after 4 months. However there is an elephant in the room, and that is why we attract unhealthy people in the first place. Spotting red flags is almost an "antiseptic" approach. The aseptic approach, which is also painful and difficult, is to work on yourself, heal from childhood trauma (even if you may come from an on the face of it, secure upbringing) as there might have been parental approaches which caused trauma. Once healed, (and it could take years of work) it is far less likely that you will attract (and be attracted to) unhealthy prospects, like narcisists / severe Codependents and those with PD.
OMG I can't wait for the video how to break through the limerence. This is something I really needed especially that all I have found on youtube are things like "stay away from your limerent object". It made me feel like I don't deserve to build any relationship until I'm healed and that's not what these videos should do. I'm looking forward to see your next video and start to apply the knowledge I'll get from it!
This was very helpful as always, Heidi. I've been experiencing serial limerence for the last 15ish years (since I was a child) and the difference between limerence and love has been a pressing issue on my mind lately. The litmus test that I made up was that, when I was experiencing limerence pre-recovery, I would be almost mortally terrified im anticipation of seeing the person and after the interaction I would always feel underwhelmed (somewhat relieved, but very foolish- I called this "the crash"). I actually preferred to fantasize about the person rather than spend time with them in real life. I have had two limerent experiences since I started recovery 3 and a half years ago, the latter of which I'm currently in, and those two were separate from the ones before them in that I actually wanted to talk to/spend time with the person and would be excited rather than terrified (although there was fear involved too- namely, the *realization* that I actually liked them was terrifying). The past one was already in a relationship and we were only together for a few weeks so it was "easy mode", whereas in the current one no such barriers exist. For me, when I learned what limerence was I started putting any sliver of romantic attraction to someone in that box, and it has been genuinely scary as a fearful-avoidant to learn that I wasn't "just sick". I'll definitely keep this video saved for my reference.
This is great info and very thought provoking. I can recall times i was in limerance but it didn't negatively affect my self-concept. These were definitely people I idealized and loved spending time with, and was too naive and inexperienced to properly contextualize what they were not showing me or not giving me. While i felt really special when they were giving me their time/attention, it didn't destroy my self-concept when things didn't work out with them. All this to say I think this is a topic that takes a lot of self-reflection and self-honesty to parse out. The questions you outlined are great journaling topics. Im looking forward to more of your content as i enter a new relationship and after a lifetime of breadcrumbs i notice this new person's consistency feels a little love-bomby. I am taking in all information (as you advised) and not turning a blind eye to any yellow flags as we continue to get to know each other
Your eyes alone are enough to encourage Limerence. Silliness aside (seriously your eyes are insane) and moving to a more pertinent note: - this video has been fantastic for a young man. I think men are equally if not more susceptible to this phenomenon due to our intense desire to always mate. Thanks for the information; I can definitively say I have been in a limerent state before.
I’ve been in my most secure relationship I’ve ever been in for the past 2 years and 2 months. I have improved SO much even IN this relationship and I can say true love is WAY more enjoyable than limerant love. I am also in coda and it’s helped me move away from limerance more and more over time
I'm reading these comments saying loving relationships are "boring" and I am finally in a loving one and am THRILLED and happy in it. Never want to look back! And it makes me think a lot of these people are toxic themselves disguised as victims. They're usually on a cluster b spectrum themselves if they love toxic relationships so much. I know me and others like my wife are loving our relationships and can't get over how amazing it actually is.
As someone who has/had an insecure attachment style and been out of therapy for a couple of months. This has helped me differenciate between my fear of abandonment and signs of limerence. You have helped me identify that for the first time ever im actually experiencing a healthy crush with a fear of rejection rather than signs of limerence (which i have experienced a couple of times in past relationships ans dates)
It feels good to know that I now seem to have left behind most of the limerence fantasies and am on a good way to having a real love relationship based in reality! Your videos are full of precious knowledge, thx a lot for sharing!
You have given me so many great ideas and concepts to understand relationships better, thank you! One thought about this topic in particular is on "chemistry" which is the intuitive feeling of compatibility usually in the body, you like the way a person smells looks etc, and can somewhat be more open to the person's "faults" or things that don't perfectly fit into your idea of a compatible partner because of that?
This was a really excellent video! You did an amazing job breaking down the difference between limerence and true love. These are questions that I always had but find an in-depth explanation that made it more clear to understand. Your clarification was very reassuring. Thank you!
Amazing explanation! Often videos about limerence rarely mention coupledom formed from limerence, or mentions them as toxic or impossible, without much explanation. As a person in a great relationship with a former limerent object, I am happy to now understand, that i succesfully shifted my mindset from limerence to realistic before the dating started. Thank you for this ❤🙏
Just to say how much I appreciate these videos, they have brought me in to a new world of relationships, which I must say say is quite sobering. I makes me feel like I've been in a fantasy for many years on this subject which has caused a lot of hardship. More recently I think maybe I have managed to avoid another catastrophe, maybe one day something will work out I am grateful ❣️
Thank all gods, if any, but above all - you and your channel, Heidi: it looks like I’ve broken the pattern of limerence in my head!! Can’t believe I made it…
Thank you Heidi. I've had alot of trauma. And therapy which is helping me to overcome problems . I appreciate and am learning what you teach about limerence. I'm hoping for a healthy relationship. Thanks again.
this is exactly what I was looking for!!! thank u i'm excited to watch! I think i'm in love, but have limerent traits intertwined.. looking forward to hear you
All my years of therapy and introspection and had never heard this but wow, really makes sense. I would spend more time daydreaming about a man I start to date that doesn't commensurate with the reality. I know this especially as an INFJ.
Your videos are so helpful! I'm new to learning all of these things, attachments and limerance and everything in between. I'm getting to know someone new and I'm taking it slow, and your videos are so helpful in helping me examine where I fall short, and where I can be better and show up for myself and others!
I'm looking forward to the next videos. I need to know how to start breaking the pattern. I waste so much time living inside my head with all my fantasies.
Hey Heidi, I hope you are well. (And if you're not, that's ok.) I have been loving your content -- for many reasons -- one is, because it's so actionable. I just scrolled through all your vids, looking to see if there is a "how to start building secure attachment with yourself" kind of a primer. How to make yourself your own secure base. I know you discuss many aspects of this in all of your attachment videos, but I don't see one that functions as a beginners guide. Would love to see this in a future video. (Let me know if I'm missing something?) We fearful-avoidants really have the worst of both worlds, don't we? But perhaps our superpower is to understand both sides of insecure attachment... I guess this is why you're so damn good at giving these specific examples of what all three types actually do. I'm grateful for your work. Sending lovingkindness!
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all my homies love and appreciate heidi priebe's content
Yeet yeet!
Heck yeah let’s go
This makes me think of a bunch of gangsters all gathered around watching this, trying to better themselves and their emotional state, and I love it
And hate ticketmaster
Yeah I'm gonna send this to them
I thought the tweet you were going to bring up was the one that said "Dating is really just finding someone whose parents fucked them up in a compatible way to how your parents fucked you up." - but I suppose that's more leaning into attachment theory lol
🤣🤣
Couldn't have said it better😂😂
pls give examples of this
My limerance doesnt start until their attention becomes intermittent or the month or so after a break up. Ive realized this is my way to handle abandonment anxiety 😮
After learning about limerence, attachment style, CPTSD, etc. I am scared that I will always be attracted to unhealthy people. I dated someone secure who started to feel boring and predictable, which became dull and annoying. My next relationship was so limerent, toxic, anxious/avoidant but I felt it was thrilling. Is there hope for me to heal enough to become genuinely attracted to healthy people without feeling bored? And if so, how can I do that?
Words cannot express my gratitude to you for all that you do, Heidi. You are one of the brightest beacons of light on my healing journey, and I tell pretty much everyone I know about your channel.
I resonate hugely with this comment as a way I felt for much of my life. And it’s something I have a different perspective on now! So, will start working on a video about it 😊 thanks for the (unintentional) prompt.
Looking forward to more insights on this too
Men see this as the following:
You left a good man for Chad and got alpha widowed. Please stay single and heal
@@theskyizblue2day431 yep, on a single healing journey since my breakup and planning to stay single for at least 6 months, maybe a year so I can focus on healing.
@@heidipriebe1 Thank you so much Heidi 🤩 In the back of my mind, I'm like "Well if I just find someone who leans avoidant but is also self-aware and focused on healing, maybe it'll be just thrilling enough to excite me but also not toxic and at least somewhat healthy" ...which I know is a problematic thought pattern to have, but I'm working on it. 😅Looking forward to the video, and of course all of your other content!
I’ve always been a big fan of the show Frasier, and there’s a great quote in an episode: “you weren’t in love WITH her, you were in love AT her.” And while in the show it does work out for those characters in the end, I think that’s a great quote to use to check in with ourselves.
if this was Niles and Daphne, definitely 😄. Niles never saw the real Daphne, he saw this Angel/Princess that fell from heaven, not the maid from England that washed his brother's underwear. I am, really glad that it worked out. That HAD to have a happy ending. But it probably only had a happy ending because, Niles knew the real Daphne, she lived in his brother's house, he saw her all the time, she wasn't in some far away city or country living a life that he knew nothing about. He knew exactly what her life was, and he loved her anyway.
I love Frasier.☺
@@ebbyc1817 Haha yup, that's exactly who it is! If you're not familiar with the episode, it's when they finally start dating and have their first real argument, Niles gets a bit of a reality check. Frasier points out exactly what you said - Niles had a perfect, idealized version of Daphne built up in his head, but now they have a chance to get to know each other for real, flaws and all.
@@BrandonOutside I was thinking of that ! ☺THAT was when Niles finally SAW Daphne, when they had their first argument.
Shattered the fantasy.
and you can imagine that he was limerent because, his mother died when he was young. Poor Niles.
Full disclosure: Right now I'm limerent on you. "Brandon loves Frasier, omygodddd" hahahahaha
Gosh, I love Frasier.
The reason that we need people like Heidi is that so much of our pop culture is full of these fictional examples of limerent relationships that somehow magically work out in the end. Many of us who grew up on television have internalized these as examples to imitate. Disney, in particular, has disturbing habit of taking a fairytale where a limerent character meets a tragic end, and changing the ending so that everyone lives happily ever after. These fairy tales were tragedies for a reason.
I don’t think I’ve laughed out loud to myself so much during a psychology vid. Felt like I was being read for filth with every question 😭😭 mouth hanging open as I get reality checked, this is the brutally honest support I needed, thank you
For me, as someone who is limerant prone, I noticed that taking time away from dating (1 year), working on my traumas and self worth in therapy that it was much easier for me to decipher the difference (not that ive ever been in love, but limerence happens automatically). The major difference for me is what happens at a nervous system level. Meeting someone who made me feel calm, peaceful and safe AND knowing it had nothing to do with me as a person if we decided to stop seeing eachother. That was everything for me.
Wow. By this understanding, I don't think I've ever felt romantic love. 🙁
Better late then never, quite a lot in this case
You might be aromantic. It's not that unusual.
that’s so real😭😭😭
You still can experience love but not romantic attraction
Q1. How big is the gap between the way the relationship exists in your mind vs. what it actually is in reality?
(Obsessively thinking about romantic fantasies existing way into the future)
Q2. Am I genuinely open to finding out info about this person that would disqualify them as a potential partner?
Q3. Am I aware of potential problems that may arise out of this dynamic?
Q4. What do I want from this person in reality vs. psychologically? And how realistic are my psychological expectations of them?
Q5. How different do you feel about yourself when you imagine being loved by this person vs not being loved by this relationship?
(If they don’t reciprocate your affection, does it raise questions on your self concept, self esteem or self worth?)
Great synopsis!
This hurts 🤣. Edit: But please continue with the next part of this series, we desperately need it lol.
Great video. Experiencing the opposite of limerence isn't any better. You are actively looking for red flags and fear trusting your own or your partner's feelings, hurting both in the process, and being in a relationship with a limerent partner feels as if you are not chosen for who you are and there's no genuine interest to get to know you as a person, you are there to play an imagined predetermined role which has very little to do with the real you. That's basically every avoidant/anxious relationship, at least at the beginning. No wonder we hurt each other so much.
Ou, ou, ou, you're confusing several big/little things here.
Anxious -Avoidant relationships have nothing to do with limerence. They are based on attachment styles. The relationship isn't 'imagined' , it is quite real. The reality of the relationship, is what causes the friction. In limerence, there is no friction. Everything is perfect. Everything is perfect, because there is no actual relationship yet. The person imagines themselves to be in a relationship with the other person. This could be based on as little as their voice, or their first name. Limerence ends when the actual relationship is formed. Kind of like how you stop having a crush on someone once you start having a relationship with them. Your bf/gf can't be your crush.
@@ebbyc1817 That's not true at all. Depending on how dysfunctional someone is, they can stay limerent for years. I can't tell you how many times I've heard stories about someone's painful divorce with "I thought if I could just love him/her enough they would change, but they never did..."
@@aimeem That's not limerence, that's co-dependence.
@@ebbyc1817I would have thought a codependent would be more likely to accept a limerence type of relationship.
@@wendyparise2925 they would be. But limerence, and a relationship where you're insecurely attached to your partner, whether you're anxious, you keep chasing them, or avoidant, you keep running from them, are not the same thing. I gave the example of a crush. You would never say you have a crush on your boyfriend or girlfriend.. A crush is like limerence, you get fixated on the person, but they are more like a lego piece in your mind. You could have a full-blown relationship with them, without them even knowing about it. It's basically a kind of psychosis, like a temporary madness. It could drive you to think they are the ones after you, like this person is always making passes at me. Technically you could be in some kind of relationship, maybe you've gone on a few dates, maybe you sit next to them at work, maybe you see them at the gym, but what you're imagining is not what is actually going on in real life. In your head they're a completely different person, and you have a completely different relationship with them. It's kind of scary when you think about it. Imagine being the object of someone else's limerence.
Thanks!
I wish I'd found your videos on limerence before i got married... I am now married to an abusive man with a serious personality disorder and covert narcissism because of being completely uneducated about limerence, yet completely sucked in to every aspect of it that you have described.
I honestly thought it was love - it was soooo powerful!! But when the abuse intensified after the wedding and i ended up having no other option for mine and my children's safety than to call the police, i pulled back and started looking at things differently.
I've learned so much helpful stuff. I just wish i had have known BEFOREHAND.
As a midlifer, trying to move past all the trauma, and keeping myself open, this is very helpful. You give me the language to help me navigate, thank you Heidi. 💌
Can someone we have limerance about turn into a real relationship based on facts?
Yup cloud nine when he gave me just a crumb of his attention and that’s what I am craving. That feeling! How can I give it to myself?
indeed.
I started learning about Limerence a little while ago, feeling something unsettling going on in my relationship. I realize there were some unhealthy patterns going on, and after talking at length, and a lot of work, we ended it. So much of this applies to me, particularly outsourcing my self-esteem without realizing it.
I got Covid and had to isolate totally and I noticed that I became much happier over the course of a week, after months of depression. I was too delirious to even interact digitally and in that negative space I found my mind reconnecting with itself. That made me really realize something was wrong. The relationship had disconnected me from myself because of limerence on my part. Limerent anxious + fearful/avoidant, What a painful dance. I can already tell I dislike who I became while in that state I wasn’t being my best self.
You hit a nerve that I didn't know existed. Once I started watching this video and wanted to not listen so much I knew it was something I needed to listen to even more.
You definitely touched on some things that I know I'm still working on. But I made great progress in these areas. Listening to this video gave me a few more tolls to put my emotional toolbox to handle life.
As always, I appreciate your content Heidi. Please keep it coming. ❤️😊
You always talk about difficult topics in such a careful, judgement-free way. Thank you for that 💗
I am 32 years old and thanks to you, I have finally learned that there is a term and a well-understood concept for this thing I’ve done my whole life. It was so bad and went so unchecked that now I am coming to the end of a 10 year long limirent marriage. Thankfully, we are still friends and will be able to transition amicably, but I am daily astounded at how little I understood myself and how I got here. I am SO thankful for your content. It has been a pivotal piece to the puzzle of me becoming free and truly myself. Thank you so, so, so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I’ve been crushing on and experiencing limerence towards girls my whole life. My first serious relationship failed spectacularly, due to physical distance and my self-esteem issues. Then, 4 years ago I met a wonderful man who I have been living with ever since. We’re close friends and I’ve started to develop feelings for him, feelings that I‘ve never experienced before. I call them mature feelings, because I can genuinely see us being a family, having children together and living together peacefully.
It all feels calm, not obsessive like everything before and it took me a few years to recognise my feelings and accept them (especially because I had identified as gay for so long). He knows it, but nothing has come of it yet.
This video has helped me see how much I have matured and healed and what I still need to work on, like actually opening up to him more. Thank you!
Heidi you are a real breath of fresh air on the Internet. I appreciate your clear, nonjudgmental, detailed analysis of relationship difficulties in the 21st century.
#4 nailed it for me. I recently discontinued with a therapist mostly because I started to place ridiculously high psychological expectations of them. I had never experienced that degree of empathy and positive regard from someone and I started to develop limerence like feelings for them. This is really unfair to them because I know deep down they aren’t always this “ therapy person” and live a regular life like everyone else. The safe space she created though was incredible. All this began to make me develop unrealistic expectations of who and what she is. I just honestly never felt this safe around someone. But when you go through these questions you can tease out the real meanings behind all this. Maybe therapy situations do create a kind of limerence.. or what the Freud folks would call transference. I think I am coming to grips with a lot of this but honestly I still do think about her just about everyday. The therapy was so helpful that I didn’t want to become this cliched person who falls in love with the therapist. That seems so Hollywood. These videos are incredible and the best part is how you use your own life as examples of these issues.
YOUR TOPICS NEVER MISS!!!!!!!!!
The pain of all this for me is that I fear that I'll never have the real love partner and compatible relationship in my life
The reality of my life long limerence makes me feel nauseous, I have always had a limerence going on at some point and the magical warm fantasy has been a source of self regulation, I am working hard to realise that my current crush of 3 years is actually a object of limerence, and although he does like me it is nothing solid or real (nothing he seems to want enough) and letting go of this is painful and also sobering, its an ongoing process as some day's I feel myself getting pulled back to the fantasy land....it is a bit upsetting and does shine a light on my childhood trauma, thanks for the videos they really help 🙏
I know you probably get a lot of these but I wanted to say that these videos have really helped my personal life in so many ways.
I appreciate I have a way to go yet and there may be no 'end', but these videos give me the nudge I need to help myself.
I'm very grateful.
I love that you've added a second hot air balloon to the very realistic wedding fantasy! 😂
Yeah the air balloon had me too 😂
I feel like I'm being called out but I also feel like it's a good thing. There's so much that I was doing to myself I didn't even realize. This is really helping me become more self-aware and present.
Currently healing from strong limerence, and appreciate this video so much. Thank you!
Wow I did a bunch of these things in my last long relationship, especially towards the end when it was falling apart-- I got incredibly limerant trying to hold on to it in my mind and justify how things were still okay. The ironic thing is I felt so much better about myself after ending it, I feel like I woke up from a big delusion and was so relieved to just be with myself for the first time in a long time. Of course having had such strong bouts of limerance that wreaked havoc in my life makes me a bit hesitant to try a relationship again, but I know the only way to really get over it is to go through it so I'm glad to listen to this stuff and see the contrast of healthy/unhealthy perception more clearly.💖💖
This comment coul have been written by myself.
I am deeply flawed and learning about my wounds is a very frightening and awakening experience. I pray this knowledge and realization will help me heal and finally live the life I always dreamed of having.
Just found. I feel soft. Thank you for sharing. This matters a lot to me personally.
Heidi I couldn’t help but chuckle during the entire video. Not because it was funny I felt personally attacked and embarrassed. This was totally me with my ex we were incompatible for several reasons mentioned in this video. I was living in fantasy land. I will certainly put to practice crush/mind exercise in the future. Great video as always.
Now that I'm coming down or getting back to normal, I found myself chuckling as well. Over the past two years I was in a fantasy - limerant hell! Feels great to see light at the end of my self constructed tunnel.
I'm pretty on the fence with most of these. I definitely feel sky-high when she reciprocates, but my self-esteem around others has never been higher than since meeting her. At 25 years old, this is the first time I've ever wanted a single specific person to like me back, so much that I feel like the stereotype of a 15-year old girl sometimes obsessing over how I look and trying to pick up her interests. I've pushed myself to "grow up", get healthier, more social, and interesting in the span of a few months and overall just feel better about myself as if I knew the only way she should could ever like me is if I started caring for and being myself. I have fantasies about only hanging out and going on a nice dates, I force myself to approach because I know how lacking answers just makes things worse, I realize there's major differences between us which I'd resolve through acceptance and mediation, not concession or wishful thinking. Not sure what therapists' MO is on this kind of stuff, but the two I've seen have been encouraging about it with my more frequent one actually calling it love. The term "limerent" hasn't come up but I'll bring it up next time.
I had no idea what limerence was until a year or so ago. Once I learned about it, it was freeing. I felt this for a girl when I was in my mid and late teens. She was in my mind for years. If I would have understood limerence then, I would have saved myself years of agony.
Crushes. Great comment. I found most of the women I did this with were absolutely nothing like what I "thought".
Well this puts a different spin on 20 years of marriage. I'm going to have to say that under this description of limerance, that true love and limerance can coexist. Maybe it would be better to say that limerant patterns can exist within true love between two deeply wounded people. Or the other way around, that a deep real love can emerge through long term limerance. It's that we are far better at loving eachother than ourselves. Codependence and enmeshment? Absolutely. Lack of love, support, deeply knowing eachother, and acceptance? No. Therapy? Currently, lots. All that to say that I don't think it has to be one or the other, it can be both.
Maybe I'm getting it wrong or misunderstanding or blind.
Yes. I believe I got into my relationship out of limerence, and have stuck with it out of real love. I'm in the awkward transition away from limerence and it's rough and relieving at the same time
Or all of the above ? 😃
That's a joke.
As I understand it, you cannot be limerent over someone you have an actual real-life relationship with. Someone you see, live with, know. Limerence lives only in the realm of fantasy. You imagine a life with this person where you currently have no life with them. You may not even know their name. All you have is an image, or a voice....
I don't believe limerence and true love can co-exist either. It's almost an oxymoron, limerence and "true". Limerence is not true, it's false, it's a feeling based on something that does not exist.
@@ebbyc1817 are you saying once you get into a long term partnership limerence cannot exist? I can't tell what definition you are working with. I see a lot of relationships that started from limerence that last a long time and not purely because it's an abusive dynamic. I think it's rather black and white to imagine these relationships are totally loveless.
@@ebbyc1817I think it sounds like we have totally different definitions.
When I was 16 I had a "relationship" with a girl where we held hands, hung out, snuggled, yet barely spoke to each other. I thought I was in love, and had all kinds of stories about what our relationship was and what our future would be, yet I hardly knew her beyond surface level. When she moved across the country to get married without parental permission to a mutual friend, I felt devastated and betrayed. If that wasn't Limerance with a person you have a relationship with, I don't know what is.
I entered into this video with that episode in mind. As Heidi went through the point though, I had multiple "aww f#%@" moments in relation to my marriage. But with the depth of our caring, knowledge, connection (when it's good), and acceptance, I find it impossible that we don't truly love each other. But as an example of one of our limerant tendacies ... Deleted all examples due to personal nature. But to summarize, the story I have my self worth is tied to the nature of our relationship. And her relation to our relationship was, and was grumpy about, dependent on the toxic stories she had been told about what a marriage were, instead of the goodness within ours. So going by what I got out of this video, I think that love and limerance can coexist within the same relationship.
@@russellmingus2590 ok in my comment I was only referring to the relationship in your original comment, your marriage. I didn't know you were talking about other relationships.
Your content very well could have just saved my 11 year marriage. I thank you for bringing clarity on a simple yet difficult thought process.
To know the difference, ask yourself
1) How big is the gap between the relationship you imagine in your head and the relationship you have with this person in reality? I.e. how comfortable would you feel disclosing to them all your fantasies? If you're having obsessive romantic fantasies about someone you've been on one coffee date with, it's probably limerence.
2) Am I open to receiving information about this person that would disqualify them as a partner? There's a commitment to reality, to receiving both green and red flags about them. Limerence is a mental activity, not something that stems from a real life relationship. It's easy to disqualify red flags in this state because they might interrupt your fantasy life. The most important thing in limerence: what you experience on your own, not when you're with them.
3) Am I aware of potential problems that might arise from this dynamic, and open to non-delusional solutions to these problems? If you and your partner want different things, a non-limerent solution would be to just talk to them about it and suss out how set in your ways you both are. A limerent solution: I will just love him and magically everything will be alright. Or: I will just discard everything I want because the connection with them is more important than who they are.
4) What do I want from this person in reality v. what do I want from them psychologically? E.g. in a partnership with so there are certain practical things that are a part of dailyvlife + I rely on them for certain psychological needs. V. In a limerent situation, your psychological expectations are completely disproportionate. We have unrealistic needs like: my partner needs to make me feel good about myself all the time. And any time our partner doesn't fulfill that need, we react badly.
4) How well do you think about yourself when you're with them v. When you're not with them? In limerence, we project all our self-esteem needs on so, and if they like us = we like ourselves, but if they don't, we might go to a really dark place. In a non-limerent relationship, even if the relationship ends, our self-perception doesn't substantially change.
(I must have missed a question, but these are my notes!)
You didn’t miss anything, you just used the 4 two times 😊
me and my adhd love u for this 😊
Thank you so much for writing this down
It takes being really honest with yourself to own these issues. Thankyou Heidi for modelling this in your videos. You show people that you can avoid a whole lot of unnecessary drama in your life by noticing when you are trying to hide something from yourself and getting curious about why.
Thanks, Heidi! You're doing a very important work. Can't thank you enough for your generosity in sharing your own knowledge and insights for free. Take care and be safe ❤
New words I've learned since listening to (and loving) your videos; limerence, coregulation, self regulation. 👍😊
You reminded me of my yoga instructor, she was saying things like "now we feel warm and pleasant" with big grin on her face, when in reality we were doing most painful and challenging stuff. It is kind of like your videos, they bring the pain but it is good.
I just learned about limerence a couple months ago and have been watching your videos ever since. If limerence is a spectrum I feel like I fall somewhere in the middle but moving in the healthier direction. In my 20s I was deep in limerence, but I learned over time that the emotional needs I was putting on the objects was were unfair at best.
As someone who identifies as demi-sexual (needing an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction), my experiences are a little different from the example you used. I hate dating, I would NEVER jump into a lifelong fantasy with a stranger, its just not what would appeal to me in anyway. So, when I do start to develop romantic feelings for someone, usually its someone I already know pretty well - usually a best friend to be honest, and it never starts out romantically.
Maybe what I experience is a mixture of genuine close relationship and feelings, but relying on some limerence to avoid the hurt of possible rejection based on history. Because in the past I've always told the person, and its never gone the way I'd hoped. AT the time they'd always say "we're just friends" but my intuition would lead me to feel like that was a lie. HOwever I'd respect their words.... often tho I'd find out years later that they DID have romantic feelings but for whatever reason, didn't pursue it. This has happened at least 3 times, so I struggle to trust my intuition.
Anyway, lots to think about. I appreciate the videos. Although Im still a little cloudy on where I fall.
I'm the same, and so was my ex!
Thanks Heidi for all of the videos on limerence! It’s what I struggle with most. I hope you continue to make them :)
Thank you so much for this video!! I think this is the first time I've started a relationship where I HAVEN'T been limerant. This gives me hope!! 😍 P.S. I didn't realize that a person could be in limerance for 11 years!!
This is on point. I’m getting out of it asappppp. It’s a blessing he hasn’t shown an ounce of interest in me lmao
Cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for all your videos. I never knew how much potential I have to learn, grow, and heal. What you do is so important, thank you.
„…after the air balloon reaches the ground and you’re riding into the sunset for the honeymoon…“ 😂😂
Omg so good and spot on, these questions are worth gold 🙏🏼
Well if there's anything I can tell from having watched and read your content over the years, it's that I truly love you and what you have to offer.
thank you for this video! I watched the previous one and thought I didn't have limerence because I don't really escape to a fantasy about my partner, but as a self-identified codependent I am definitely placing my psychological needs, self worth and happiness on my partner which gives me a lot to think about
Have fun at the wedding, Heidi 🥂
Hey Heidi, I think I just realised my partner of 10 years was limerant with me. I became really sick, and she left at my lowest point. Now I think it is because of all those things you said: I didn’t make her feel strong, sexy and cool anymore, because I was weak, could not maintain self care, and isolated. I totally get how hard it must have been for her, but on the other hand I’m horrified by the idea of doing that to someone. She absolutely found other ovjects representing those things and was drawn like a magnet to them. Unfortunately for me I stand to lose everything with this breakup, and I also still love her deeply, we were so compatible in most ways and I think the pandemic and other factors really put us in a pressure cooker so there is a lot of context for this largely out of character behaviour. On the other hand I know this self esteem issue runs deep. I suppose I have been devalued and discarded, but is there a chance she might let go of this ego defence, over time? Circumstances have changed (partly just fate and partly with huge effort on my part) and I no longer need to over ask of our relationship. I hated over asking but I had little choice at the time.
😮🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯more work for me to do in my healing process and thank you for all of your videos…. Virtual Hugs, if you allow that. I’ve commented before….Many thanks you wonderful Soul 🙏🏾
I’m questioning if I’ve ever actually been in love before now.
This is probably the most valuable information on the Internet.
Great job, Heidi! For a young woman, you speak volumes of truth. Keep up the good work! Many people are going to benefit from you.
So helpful. Appreciate the insight, guidance and non judgmental support. Thank you for being a light that helps me find my way through my own dark places 💛
i found myself in 4/5 of your points! thank you for the video!
Sometimes learning the unknowns is part of the fun. But,other times it's like "why ruin a good relationship by getting to know one another" Have a nice time at your friend's wedding! I really enjoy your videos.
New vid about limerence? Already know it's a banger.
As someone who lived in limerince with a ton of my romantic interests, this video helped me realize the growth I've had and the work I still need to do. Thank you!
Question 2 reminds me of the difference between a hypothesis and an assumption; a hypothesis is falsifiable. In other words, you know what would tell you that your assumption was wrong, and if this is important, you can then go out and test it. It's the foundation of the scientific method, but it also fits nicely here; how would you know someone wasn't a good match for you? Is coming up with criteria difficult, or are those criteria extreme? Does the notion of verifying what you came up with fill you with fear?
This is an interesting topic. As a AA Codependent in recovery, I have in the past attracted BPD, BPD/NPD and Covert NPD/Anxious Avoidant types. Limerence was definitely there, however I did also note red flags (part of my recovery responses). The trouble with Narcissists is that they are very good at justifying, lying, subtly minimising the red flag indicators, in response, as they also mask themselves by mirroring you. It becomes a head spinning event every time, leading to one questioning their gut feelings, and judgment. Limerence adds to this confusion / fog.
The effective way I found out (in hindsight) was to ask open questions, find out their "approach" to relational problem solving, remain silent, think whether you are compatible, then be strong to decide to either continue or not. I made the mistake of then discussing which approach was more constructive, which of course led to agreement, however the initial response (which was the true approach) ought to have meant I ended it. This is because you can't "change" others, nor should you expect that they will change for you. Conversations had about approach, should be a fact finding exercise, not leading to attempts to change. The "relationship" lasted 11 months, when it ought to have been ended after 4 months.
However there is an elephant in the room, and that is why we attract unhealthy people in the first place. Spotting red flags is almost an "antiseptic" approach. The aseptic approach, which is also painful and difficult, is to work on yourself, heal from childhood trauma (even if you may come from an on the face of it, secure upbringing) as there might have been parental approaches which caused trauma.
Once healed, (and it could take years of work) it is far less likely that you will attract (and be attracted to) unhealthy prospects, like narcisists / severe Codependents and those with PD.
Yeah had to get out of a limerent situation where I was getting played. Felt like cutting off my arm but it was so needed. Going to miss them though.
OMG I can't wait for the video how to break through the limerence. This is something I really needed especially that all I have found on youtube are things like "stay away from your limerent object". It made me feel like I don't deserve to build any relationship until I'm healed and that's not what these videos should do. I'm looking forward to see your next video and start to apply the knowledge I'll get from it!
This unraveled everything…wow. 👏🏽
This was very helpful as always, Heidi. I've been experiencing serial limerence for the last 15ish years (since I was a child) and the difference between limerence and love has been a pressing issue on my mind lately. The litmus test that I made up was that, when I was experiencing limerence pre-recovery, I would be almost mortally terrified im anticipation of seeing the person and after the interaction I would always feel underwhelmed (somewhat relieved, but very foolish- I called this "the crash"). I actually preferred to fantasize about the person rather than spend time with them in real life. I have had two limerent experiences since I started recovery 3 and a half years ago, the latter of which I'm currently in, and those two were separate from the ones before them in that I actually wanted to talk to/spend time with the person and would be excited rather than terrified (although there was fear involved too- namely, the *realization* that I actually liked them was terrifying). The past one was already in a relationship and we were only together for a few weeks so it was "easy mode", whereas in the current one no such barriers exist. For me, when I learned what limerence was I started putting any sliver of romantic attraction to someone in that box, and it has been genuinely scary as a fearful-avoidant to learn that I wasn't "just sick". I'll definitely keep this video saved for my reference.
I love you Heidi Priebe. You've helped me through so much :')
This might be the most important video I’ve watched this year. Thank you.
This is great info and very thought provoking. I can recall times i was in limerance but it didn't negatively affect my self-concept. These were definitely people I idealized and loved spending time with, and was too naive and inexperienced to properly contextualize what they were not showing me or not giving me. While i felt really special when they were giving me their time/attention, it didn't destroy my self-concept when things didn't work out with them. All this to say I think this is a topic that takes a lot of self-reflection and self-honesty to parse out. The questions you outlined are great journaling topics. Im looking forward to more of your content as i enter a new relationship and after a lifetime of breadcrumbs i notice this new person's consistency feels a little love-bomby. I am taking in all information (as you advised) and not turning a blind eye to any yellow flags as we continue to get to know each other
One of the easiest to listen too therapists on the internet, thank you for your videos they are helping me start my journey to becoming more secure.
I appreciate the way you have broken this Down and clearly articulate your points.. Seems bang on to me👍🏻
Your eyes alone are enough to encourage Limerence.
Silliness aside (seriously your eyes are insane) and moving to a more pertinent note: - this video has been fantastic for a young man. I think men are equally if not more susceptible to this phenomenon due to our intense desire to always mate. Thanks for the information; I can definitively say I have been in a limerent state before.
It was hard to listen to the whole video, felt a bit of resistance coming up. Probably, just what I needed. Thank you!
I’ve been in my most secure relationship I’ve ever been in for the past 2 years and 2 months. I have improved SO much even IN this relationship and I can say true love is WAY more enjoyable than limerant love. I am also in coda and it’s helped me move away from limerance more and more over time
I'm reading these comments saying loving relationships are "boring" and I am finally in a loving one and am THRILLED and happy in it. Never want to look back! And it makes me think a lot of these people are toxic themselves disguised as victims.
They're usually on a cluster b spectrum themselves if they love toxic relationships so much.
I know me and others like my wife are loving our relationships and can't get over how amazing it actually is.
Thank you again for your work. I'm more encouraged than ever about growing peace, calm and faith in myself.
As someone who has/had an insecure attachment style and been out of therapy for a couple of months. This has helped me differenciate between my fear of abandonment and signs of limerence. You have helped me identify that for the first time ever im actually experiencing a healthy crush with a fear of rejection rather than signs of limerence (which i have experienced a couple of times in past relationships ans dates)
Your videos have been incredibly helpful, thank you!
It feels good to know that I now seem to have left behind most of the limerence fantasies and am on a good way to having a real love relationship based in reality! Your videos are full of precious knowledge, thx a lot for sharing!
Sitting here like “man it’s annoying I’m thinking about her… oh wait! Heidi!”
So grateful for your resources🎉
Heidi you are THE BEST HUMAN
You have given me so many great ideas and concepts to understand relationships better, thank you! One thought about this topic in particular is on "chemistry" which is the intuitive feeling of compatibility usually in the body, you like the way a person smells looks etc, and can somewhat be more open to the person's "faults" or things that don't perfectly fit into your idea of a compatible partner because of that?
This was a really excellent video! You did an amazing job breaking down the difference between limerence and true love. These are questions that I always had but find an in-depth explanation that made it more clear to understand. Your clarification was very reassuring. Thank you!
Amazing explanation! Often videos about limerence rarely mention coupledom formed from limerence, or mentions them as toxic or impossible, without much explanation. As a person in a great relationship with a former limerent object, I am happy to now understand, that i succesfully shifted my mindset from limerence to realistic before the dating started. Thank you for this ❤🙏
This is one of the MOST enlightening videos I have ever seen on this subject; a true eye opener.
Just to say how much I appreciate these videos, they have brought me in to a new world of relationships, which I must say say is quite sobering. I makes me feel like I've been in a fantasy for many years on this subject which has caused a lot of hardship. More recently I think maybe I have managed to avoid another catastrophe, maybe one day something will work out I am grateful ❣️
Thank all gods, if any, but above all - you and your channel, Heidi: it looks like I’ve broken the pattern of limerence in my head!! Can’t believe I made it…
Thank God. I'm moving securely through life now!!!
Thank you Heidi. I've had alot of trauma. And therapy which is helping me to overcome problems . I appreciate and am learning what you teach about limerence. I'm hoping for a healthy relationship. Thanks again.
this is exactly what I was looking for!!! thank u i'm excited to watch! I think i'm in love, but have limerent traits intertwined.. looking forward to hear you
All my years of therapy and introspection and had never heard this but wow, really makes sense. I would spend more time daydreaming about a man I start to date that doesn't commensurate with the reality. I know this especially as an INFJ.
This has been so informative, I'm limerent on 5/5. I feel great anxiety relief after having watched this.
Your videos are so helpful! I'm new to learning all of these things, attachments and limerance and everything in between. I'm getting to know someone new and I'm taking it slow, and your videos are so helpful in helping me examine where I fall short, and where I can be better and show up for myself and others!
I'm looking forward to the next videos. I need to know how to start breaking the pattern. I waste so much time living inside my head with all my fantasies.
Hey Heidi, I hope you are well. (And if you're not, that's ok.) I have been loving your content -- for many reasons -- one is, because it's so actionable. I just scrolled through all your vids, looking to see if there is a "how to start building secure attachment with yourself" kind of a primer. How to make yourself your own secure base. I know you discuss many aspects of this in all of your attachment videos, but I don't see one that functions as a beginners guide. Would love to see this in a future video. (Let me know if I'm missing something?)
We fearful-avoidants really have the worst of both worlds, don't we? But perhaps our superpower is to understand both sides of insecure attachment... I guess this is why you're so damn good at giving these specific examples of what all three types actually do.
I'm grateful for your work. Sending lovingkindness!
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Please do a video on Limerence vs Twin flames. Most TF journey feels like Limerence
OWW MYYYY GOD!!! THIS IS MIND BLOWING
Thank you, Heidi, this is very useful !
yes i'd love to see you talk about how to change this dynamic when youre in a relationship like this