It’s hard to get rid of even in other circumstances. I've experienced great true love in my life before. I know exactly why I'm experiencing limerence now but I can’t shake it off
True, I think it would involve having someone I find attractive just finding me interesting and wanting to see how it goes. The only way I know love is more often than not obsessive nonreciprocal love
Limerance is not love! That's the point! It's a emotion formed on childhood due to not being loved correctly or watching our parents versions of what they think is love! I'm just understanding this and it's allowing me to finally let go and understand what I need to do to form healthy relationships with people! It's not easy but definitely achievable!
So, your say I should divorce my wife, because my feelings are not realistic. As the real person will just be a disappointment, unless I can live and learn to love the person that they are??
An important addition to the video: people who had a difficult childhood, especially those who never had their emotional needs met are prone to limerance. The reason is because we were always prone to imagining a parellel reality, a whole world of fantasies we could escape to. Fantasies have always been a safer world for us than the real one, so our mind is already used to this dynamic (it's basically like 'muscle memory'). When something triggers this dynamic, it's like opening a portal to our safe fantasy world, and as destructive as it is, we are used to actually loving it.
Your comment resonated with me. I’m definitely guilty of fantasy-creating a parallel world to escape into. Another important characteristic of Limerence is to pick unavailable people, like married, living abroad etc.
Also something I'd add that I haven't really seen being talked much about with limerence is that in our fantasies WE are different not just the other person. Its also an idealised version of ourselves that plays out in these fantasies.
My dream has always been to have children with a family oriented man. Yet, having anxiety & depression, plus growing up in a violent alcoholic family prevents me from being attracted by/to a family oriented man. I feel helpless and hopeless right now.
@@kathleenblair7278 go for the person God puts in your life that you wouldn’t normally be attracted to. That’s how I did it and I got me a good one. It could also be a blessing in disguise. I had kids before I was healed and now suffer from more guilt and shame than originally was there
"You need to appreciate people in the moment for actions that actually happened without telling yourself a story about them or any layer of interpretation whatsoever!", words to live by.
People who are limerent also tend to buy into the whole "soulmate, twin flame, divine union" idea. With all due respect to people who believe all that, these ideas can actually harm and trigger people who are limerent. It's easy to get lost in the comfort a tarot card reader gives you when they say "the person who's on your mind is thinking about you". But it keeps feeding and validating fantasies and stops from trying to regain your control over life. It's horrible that some people who claim to know about soulmates have exploited limerent people and used their feelings of helplessness to build a business model. If you are someone who is constantly looking into the "soulmate" tarot or anything else please stop. As someone who has been in your place, I can assure you that unfollowing these people will be the best thing you will do for yourself.
Completely agree with you. I have been watching tarot card reading for more than two years and what I have learned in these years is that the fantasies we create in our head after watching a tarot card reading are completely different from reality. I am not saying that all tarot readers are fake but one must not get attached to them. Sometimes, they come up with a topic like " who is thinking about you" which can be dangerous sometimes because who you are thinking about may not be thinking about you too. I don't believe in soul mates and twin flames. I believe that loving someone is not just enough you got to have a solid plan.You got to have the finances to make it work.
So interesting. When I was in limerance did the Tarot card reading s too. I only "claimed " the ones that resonated. What is weird though is that some of those readings seemed so in poiny with accurate details. They showed up on my feed naturally. But what is really weird once I healed the Tarot readings stopped popping up in my feed entirely!
I started to realize that’s what was happening with my tarot obsession… their stories were my form of self soothing by escaping into potential fantasies that most likely aren’t real… Now I’m watching these limerance videos to try to snap out of it lol But I do believe in soulmates still, I think just my radar of how I was detecting and perceiving them might have been off
When she said that we develop a fantasy of someone being in a superior position bc we want them to take care of us, I feel it. Another possible reason is that when many of us were forced to take care of our parents emotionally as kids, and we were so tired of doing that. We spend a long time looking for someone who takes care of us. I get all these codependencies are bad, but, reparenting ourselves for something we've never had is so hard.
For me, just recently, I have realized that- other peoples abuse onto me is ABOUT THEM, NOT ME. When i make the assaults about me...I become manipulative- I present as being needy, altruistic, a pleaser, Limerance and the trauma bonding...settling for crappy. NOT BEING AUTHENTIC. establishing boundaries with my self, and with others is what I am working on now. Being vulnerable by sharing the atrocities free of fear and shame, Helps me to come out of hiding who I really am. I share with a close friend. I was told as a child, that if i told about the " punishment" ( we all know it's abuse) the abuser will tell what I did to deserve it. I'm finally telling 40 years later.
I don’t even know where to start on this journey. I don’t want to be obsessed with this person anymore despite the fantasies of us one day being together, it isn’t guaranteed and I’m tearing myself up thinking about it everyday and every hour.
@@Jules2468 since a month ago There’s been a big change/shift. Circumstances happened and I think it was meant for me to just be away from the person in order for me to start healing. I’ve been seeing the person less than less and it’s helping me to not think about them. by myself, and not in their presence helps me to correlate my thoughts and accept reality a lot easier. It’s made it easier for me to tell myself that it is mostly a fantasy that only exists because I force it to. I’m not perfect and I’m definitely not 100% there yet because there are still feelings, but they are definitely not as strong as they were a month ago!! I think the most important thing that has been helping me is knowing how much I’m worth and dealing with my personal issues of validation from partners!! it feels a lot better, knowing I don’t need to see them as much as I wanted to before. This thing takes time though, and I still have a lot more work to do, but I’m trying to trust the process I guess? Another thing that has helped me is accepting my feelings and crying if I really need to . It hurts to let out the emotions and to except the deep rooted issues that are the reason for my it’s helped me have clarity on why I tend to be limerent on people.
@@Jules2468 I thought I responded I’m sorry LOL Eventually circumstances happened that I think where ment to happen. I’ve been spending more time way from said person and it’s given me the space to properly grieve ( cause I won’t dismiss my emotions) and accept the reality with no interruptions? I don’t see them as often as I did before and it’s helped a lot. I’m still not 100% there of course as it’s taking time. But being able to really sit in my emotions and reflect in my own personal time has helped. For me it’s deeply rooted issues of validation from getting attention (as the person gives me a lot of attention). Being away and only seeing the person on occasion has given me more clarity and space to accept the reality of my internal dilemma. It’s also helped me to not idealize the person cause when I’m with them, I’m in a completely fantasy world about what’s REALLY going on.
Dude. I've been trying to rationalize why I have gone through any of my romantic interactions the way I have. I can't even express how powerful it is to finally put a name to this. God this is liberating.
Educate your self! Thats great. Its a huge relief to be validated and identifying these patterns that we were so unaware of in the past. Hearing stories in a community of hurt people is validating, and brings an awareness, and this is powerful- let's the ridden the shame that is holding us down!
Just remember that not everything needs a name or a title or a category - specially in the field of psychology where it cannot be considered a science (even though it is) just because each thesis can provide different results on everyone.
My limerence was born out of emotional deprivation. My estranged family were cold and distant. I'm now concentrating on developing my own interests and hobbies for myself. I love the natural environment and going for long coastal walks. It makes me feel connected. It would be good to meet new people however I'm no longer desperate for validation. If someone likes me they like me, if they don't they don't. I'm fine with that. I don't miss those desperate, insecure feelings of limerence. It was a prison to me.
Interesting. I think every single female in my family is in limerance with me which is disturbing. It a stems from how my grandmother raised them. I haven't dated anyone in years because my mother won't get off my back. It's rather disgusting actually. Plus the dating world is so bizarre to me anyway I don't even find ppl attractive anymore.
@@bjuri_lore I third it. I sit amazed at the speed Heidi speaks, her diction and her ability to convey highly complex concepts with ease and clarity. Her thinking is definitely of an ultra-high order.
When I was depressed a couple of years ago I lay in bed and listened to every short story on the New Yorker podcast. One of those stories was by Karen Russel called ‘the bog girl’ the story basically goes like this; a boy finds a Stone Age corpse that has been persevered in a bog. He falls in love with it and carries it home and decides it’s his girlfriend. He sits it next to him, holds it hand and much to the horror of his mother takes it to bed with him. Anyway by some magic it comes to life and she loves him back. So he immediately puts her back in the bog. LOL 😂. It’s more about being lithromantic- apparently where you have no desire to be loved back. Though it could be interpreted as he only wanted his perfect image of her and he needed a blank canvas to do that; an actual imperfect cavewoman would just not do. We carry around our fantasies of people in our heads like he carried her body. This reminded me of that brilliant story, minus the necrophilia.👍🏻
Wonderful video. Limerence also robs you of a clear view of yourself and disempowers you from growth. For example, if you have a fantasy of a safety-providing person, you may never find out what is beyond what you are afraid of. You'll never discover your own bravery. Letting go of a need for fantasies is a vote for believing in yourself.
As someone who’s very limerant his whole life I think I finally understood what it is…it is not love, it is the state of your inner child wanting and craving the love from a specific person. And by receiving just a little from that person you finally think and feel that you’ve found what you’ve always wanted. True, unconditional love. And so you lose yourself in that fantasy.
I think I often get limerence because I blossomed very late in life. Growing up, boys weren't into me. I didn't slowly practise being in the dating world - instead, it happened all at once for me when I turned around 20 years old. I am now 35 years old, and still catch myself daydreaming a lot about men and how I want them to want me so bad. I think it's because one of my core wounds is that I don't feel wanted. I don't feel loved. That definitely stems from my childhood with distant parents. So, I have created a safe space in my head, where members of the opposite sex REALLY want me. But in real life? I am often way too scared to take the plunge with men (fearful avoidant).
You literally took the words out my mouth … I find myself literally acting out or getting mad when the other sex doesn’t want me … looking to see if their looking ..😢Shìt is desperate but I know I just want attention . I never have this issue with women though , I want the men in life to praise me like how my female Frennn do .. but they know the real me
I know these feelings... I even go one step further.... I don't even fantasise about the person wanting ME. I'm looking for a suitable representative. Someone I can relate to and empathise with. This proxy person is then wanted by my LO in my place. So I can split this fantasised relationship even further away from me and still experience it "through an avatar". Isn't that crazy? To fantasise a fantasy within a fantasy through a fantasised avatar?
Every romantic interest that I have ever had has been limerence. You hit the nail on the head when you said "anxious avoidant" because that is exactly who I am. I feel like these limerent fantasies are the only thing that makes me feel genuine joy and makes me feel confident and secure. It's the only time that I could believe that I am capable of being loved by another human being.
I appreciate the fact that she isn't like, "Limerence is bad! It's toxic! Stop it now!" She acknowledges how, although usually maladaptive, it's a comfort for some people and it takes conscious effort to decide I don't want to continue with this untrue story in my head
I commend you for your vulnerability with this. I think it will help others understand themselves better and hopefully release shame or self-judgment. There's no shame in being wounded. Understanding opens the door to compassion and healing. Please be gentle on yourself. You're a beautiful Soul and deserve your own empathy. Sending intentions for your wholeness and well-being.
One of my favorite quotes from Gone With The Wind (book not movie) is this: -Scarlett O'Hara, . "I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not." - I wasn't familiar with the word "limerence" but I've often referenced this quote when I've caught myself doing it.
Yes, i remember reading that (at age 15 or 16) and it seemed so wise to me even then. Didn't stop me from being in limerence later in my life though...
This has my head spinning. This video just made my entire life make sense. The last 10 years at least of my relationship with my husband has been him not living up to my fantasy and me resenting him and feeling hurt by it and him being so confused and frustrated why im hurt. I cannot remember the last time I was actually present in an intimate experience with him. I think I even do this with myself. Having these expectations and ideas of who I am or should be and being disappointed in myself for not living up to those standards. I honestly don't know if I have ever not been living in limerance. Thank you so much for making this video.
Wow, you just added something I find eye opening - the notion that it's possible to be in limerance with oneself! Having illusions and expectations around one's own self, that could contribute to the same sorts of problems. Thank you! Now I've got more to think about! ❤
I literally came to the same realization in my own marriage and life and honestly this has been eye opening but also frightening to think that basically my whole life I lived in limerence.
"You don't want a real connection..." Boom, absolutely true because that equals hurt, being shamed, being ridiculed, being laughed at...at least for most of us in our childhood. So, I think we all do awesome by allowing ourselves to see the reality of the nature. I feel so reliefed by just being honest and finally being able to say: I don't want to connect, it is not the other people around me. BTW, I have not met one person that is clear in their mind (from my perspective) and has a true, healthy relationship. All I see around me is frustration, pretending to be happy and that is that...
'A lot of what you see in others, exists in you.' I know this may sound shallow or narrow minded because I don't know you at all and I don't mean to judge you personally. But my therapist used to say that if you change yourself, the world around you begins to change. By that I mean truly undergoing a process of self-transformation for a good 2 weeks..
I have a overwhelming limerence for a person for almost 10 years ... literally thinking and imagining situations about him all the time without even real time talking to him. Thought I love him or crushing hard or literally going psycho. So tried meditation and practices to not to think about him . But Recently started talking to him , and now my emotions are going haywire -high and low... waiting for a reply from him like his prisoner . I can't even discuss it with someone, nobody taking it seriously. So starting to search about it myself. And here I am . Feeling more in control... happy to know about myself more ... evolving myself. Thank you ❤️ and thank you Universe for your guidance
Please use extreme caution in relation to this person you’re focused on. I developed an obsession with a man I met in a 12 Step meeting. I absolutely obsessed about him every waking moment for over a year. Then I actually got into a relationship with him. We married very quickly at HIS insistence. He turned out to be a malignant narcissist who destroyed me. It nearly killed me to separate from that trauma bond and now I have PTSD and my nervous system is entirely dysregulated. It’s SO easy to imbue another person with qualities they don’t actually possess. In other words, be VERY careful what you wish for.
Hello, thank you for sharing your story. I had similar obsession / limerence for someone during 15 years without really having opportunity to speak or interact with him. It was based only on some meetings when I had chance to see him. This obsession also lead me to start meditating. When I finally started to have some talks with him… i found myself disapointed and not having interest in him anymore. Everything was just my fantasy. So I encourage to to keep meditating and being in contact with your feelings and you will surely get out of that invisible prison! Good luck❤
Limerence is directly connected to a deep fear of real connection. I've struggled with it all my life but it wasn't until a few years back that I started recognizing this pattern. You explained in such an excellent, understandable way. It's a terrible way to experience life. Utterly terrible...
I've had a crush for a year and a half and now i notice that every time i start to actually get close i go into limerence mode and im so excited now that i can be aware of this and i am so scared yikes
Dating apps and society's shift to interactions using technology is compounding limerence. It is (I believe) concreting this state of mind on one's subconscious in an unhealthy way.
"we are so trained to attach motive to people's behaviors" this hit home for me and my habit of obsessing over people I find attractive and attaching some fantasy motive to mundane interactions.
I feel it’s important to reference the book *“Love and Limerence”* by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, originally published in 1979. Dr. Tennov originally coined the term “limerence” after doing interviews and case studies with her undergraduate students about their experience of being in “love”. She came to realize that another term was needed to describe this very pervasive mental idealization and fabricated experience. It’s a classic, and the examples in the book are relevant today. It’s also quite easy to understand how our culture of social media and online interaction can exponentially feed this phenomenon. A friend of mine recognized this tendency in me years ago and recommended the book. It changed my life. As an INFP, I’m aware of the effect, and have to remain alert for the signs and patterns that lead to limerent mental formations. Even after years of formal zen practice, I am humbled by my tendency to live out these romantic stories in my head. In the book, I was most affected by the interviews with the “objects” of limerent attraction, and their reactions. Many were completely unaware of the limerent subject’s version of events, and some were even insulted by being objectified and idealized in this way. When we do not allow others to be their true selves, have honest human interaction, and be allowed to have a literal voice in the conversation, we diminish and disrespect them. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but we have to admit that the person we think we are madly and hopelessly in love with does not actually exist- and that the actual human being behind the illusion is often suffering for it.
Yessss so true.......I'm limerent to a person i met online almost a year ago and after that there wasn't a day I'm not obsessed about him....i tried so hard to there's no effect.... sometimes i think i should go and meet him irl for my limerence to fade away but it's not possible he stays too far and I'm small....ughh hate myself for this
@@mansipawar5907 me too lovely - broke off this long distance relationship 3 years ago and still, still he lives in my head, “emotional mastrubation” nails it… I hate myself for it too.. never happened to me before, it’s not good to put anyone on a pedestal..
I've only experienced it once or twice in my life. It's rare. I've only ever met one person who was experiencing it for me (he was nervous, breathless talking to me, and his hands were shaking, etc - all the physiological stuff that happens to you in limerance, as opposed to just a "crush")
Even though him an I had a real connection, I loved projecting my core believes on to him - Wanting to believe that we love the same way or want the same things at a certain time in life. I had to realize that everyone has a different understanding of love and at what time they wanna reach certain milestones in the relationship or life in general. Limerance gives me the feeling of a safe future. I realized he always lived in the presence while I always lived in the future in my mind bc I need that assurance of safety. So we were living at the same time physically, but not really in our minds. How crazy is that?! Everyone has a different coping mechanism for them to „stay alive“. I mean that wasn‘t destructive for the two of us unless starting to put your own expectations on to someone who doesn‘t have the same vision as you. In that case only figuring things out together can help without starting to blame and judge him or her bc they dont meet your expectations at the time cuz we all have those and nobody is perfect. The question should be: Can we grow together?.
I have struggled with a 40+ year "thing" towards a former boyfriend. I didn't know what it was called. He dumped me when I was in college then a nice guy came along who wanted to marry me. I agreed because I did not want to be alone for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I could not shake the feelings I've had for the former guy and have hidden this emotional burden I've carried from my husband. I've suffered guilt for not loving my husband the way I should, and I have tried to act in a loving way towards him to my best ability. Since discovering the concept of limerence, from this and other videos I've watched in the past month or so, I have started to heal from the former relationship because I see where my faulty thinking has taken me. I only wish I could have known about this a long time ago.
I hope you don’t feel alone. I did the same thing for 10 years to my husband, lucky for me the man I was in love with came back into my life and the person I imagined him to be was not reality and in an instant those feelings were gone.
I've come to many realisations over the last year or two about myself and my past, and can't help feeling bitterness and regret about those years spent wasted or in a kind of delusion, but at the same time, if I accept that life is about learning about myself and the world around me, in some sense it becomes a comfort to know that I have grown enough to realise those false beliefs and mistakes. 'Therapy in a Nutshell' has a playlist about processing emotions which is useful for me.
@@AshzxQuidYT That is fortunate that you saw him again and were able to disconnect. I saw my former boyfriend with his wife in a shop about 12 years after our breakup. We spoke briefly but it hurt me to see him with his wife and she happened to be pregnant. He looked different then, but seeing him didn't help the limerence. Since I've watched the videos on limerence, I looked him up in social media and saw that he is a different political party from me and strangely enough, that helped! I thought, "I could never abide with a guy who has such an opposite view of life than I do!" Go figure. But really, the videos helped the most because they pointed out that the whole thing is based on a fantasy that is totally based on the past.
This is the most uncomfortable, eye-opening and helpful video regarding relationships I've ever watched. Thank you so much, truly. I feel like this opened a pretty big portal in me.
From what I understand, Limerace is also associated with the idea of being drawn to a person who may powerfully resemble a parental or caretaker figure from the past who one develops a longing for. This longing may consist of many feelings, including a need for love, secure attachment, a redoing or undoing of childhood trauma, a chance to experience oneself in new ways, wishing to be re-parented, etc.
Literally everyone desires for this in some ways. It’s OK. Don’t let this be an all or nothing. You’re not a robot. You can and should desire a bit of a loving, *caring* (yes like a parent would care) relationship. It’s OKAY to want someone who can provide this for you, and for you to hopefully provide that for someone else too. The point is to not let it be the sole thing you’re looking for, but I bet from watching this video, you’ve convinced yourself you must eradicate this desire completely haven’t you?
@@elck3Um, I think you're wrong in that.As adults were responsible for our own happiness and no other human can replace that parental care we may not have received as children. We can reparent ourselves and become securely attached, and expect from our partners a love that we now have for ourselves.Thats all we should expect.😊
Yes - same. I do the same and then have to find a new fantasy to fixate on (not so much romantic as I’m married) but some new thing I want to buy. The more pressure my day to day life gets the more I want to escape to my shopping fantasy world.
@@Tiffany-ov2jfyou have intense longing for the person like you’re in agony because you miss them so much. You can feel suicidal. You can feel crazy. You feel anxious. You get depressed. I feel like this is why some turn into stalkers actually. It’s irrational. You’re wanting that next high of contact and touch etc like you can’t cope with life without this person you’re obsessed with
I feel like the energy of Limerence doesn't just apply to interest in a singular person romantically but also if you are like a fan of a musical artist or a new movie that you are excited to see in theaters. There were points where I would go to a concert (or movie) and just get so excited that I couldn't handle my own feelings and my excitement might even turn into an anxiety attack. I didn't know how to handle it but I realize that taking three deep breaths before and/or after the event could help me sort of ground and regulate myself and just appreciate it for a moment and then drop it. Appreciate while processing it and then letting it go. This video has helped me in more ways than one and I appreciate you taking the time to make these videos and give me pieces of answers to bettering my life
I feel like this helped me to unpack some unhealthy thoughts I was having, and also taught me how to truly appreciate my husband. I’m forever thinking - and saying - things like “thanks for always being there for me” and “thanks for making my life easier” when I should be saying “thanks for spending your morning making my meals for the day” and “thanks you for looking into my eyes while we talk over dinner.” Thank you for teaching me how to express gratitude concretely.
Well put. Am wondering if this is why I get so uncomfortable whenever my Mom tells me (frequently) that she loves me out of nowhere--while I realise I'm lucky to have a Mom who tells me this and doesn't attach conditions, it always feels random and emotionally manipulative and way too overwhelming in a desperate clinging way. Like she needs my daughterly love to validate her suffering. Given my druthers, I'd much rather she thank me or praise for specific things I've done and said.
@pendafen7405 Sounds like your mom loves you unconditionally. Therefore it’s not based on what you DO for her. Supposedly everyone wants to be loved for just for being who they are. Except you I guess. You need a reason. Interesting. I think that’s more of a you issue than your moms. She sounds healthy and loves you from what you described here.
I am only ten minutes into this video and you are blowing my mind. This is so helpful. I’ve experienced limerence SO many times, since I was very, very young. It is almost like a drug to me. I think it has to do with early adverse childhood experiences; all my life, I’ve just been dying for someone to love me. Every time I indulged in limerence, the magic was over instantaneously once I realized the person I was idealizing reciprocated interest. It was all consuming, but it wasn’t even real. I want to let it go because now I am in a steady, trusting relationship with a man who truly loves me. He loves me, and I am learning to love myself so it is time to let this go. I’ve never cheated, but I have indulged in limerence during monogamous relationships and it is not fair to my partner. I love him so much and I am going to stop. This video is profoundly helpful, thank you.
Saaaame, and it gets especially dangerous if you happen to be in limerance with other people who are also prone to limerance. Too easy to turn into an emotional affair. At least now you have the awareness that it’s not “real” feelings & it will be easier to let the limerance go. I still am thankful to see a therapist every week even with my awareness of this concept, though.
So thankful I don't deal with this anymore. My experiences were very painful with this because it was a coping mechanism for so long. I came from a home that caused me so much trauma so the only way I could escape is imagining a kinder reality for myself that I could run to, but it often stifled my intuition when I would make friends or meet boyfriends in the past. Facing the reality that they didn't care as much as I wanted to believe they did really hurt. I started to heal when I realized this was actually an unhealthy coping mechanism that really just pushed people away and only caused me more pain. Also, I learned how to accept that I'm not entitled to receiving the love I wanted from them if they didn't want to give it. Love has to be mutual in order for it to work.
My heart broke the day my husband said to me that I fell in love with someone that doesn't exist. That I built this imaginary bubble of a world around me to protect myself from negativity... It's been a hard year since then. I'm working to ground myself in reality. I just learned about limerence this week and it explains so much. Thank you.
That sounds like something really difficult to deal with, Statia. I hope that you are able to heal and set yourself free from the trap of limerence, so that you can have real connection with your significant other for who he really is as a person 🙏❤
You should tell him he's lucky for that , because without the limerance, you likely wouldn't of fallen for him at all 😂😂😂😂 you chose to stick together all his best or potentially best parts and over looked the shitty ones 🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I actually want to be alone - so if I pick someone that I could never possibly reach then I won’t have to go through the process of having a real connection with this person”. Felt this to my core. Subconsciously I’m scared to be alone bc mentally I believe life can be easier with 2 ppl BUT in reality I’ve given so much to other people that my body literally says no, wait, pause when I’m starting to connect with someone genuinely. I’m learning to listen to my body and accept that I need some time alone
My mind is blown. You just described my issues. Nobody talks about this enough. It is very addictive, the mind tricks itself into thinking things. . It's validating to hear that it's not about sexual attraction, but about anxious attachment, though. For those of us that have experienced it, the limerance is a huge difference than having a crush or a real romantic connection. They have things in common but they are distinct.
"Real connections can only form only shared realities" I need this tattooed into my brain, and maybe somewhere visible in my body as well. I have just learned that I have been limerent all my life and that this way of interpreting reality might have been the central issue of a lot of my trauma with relationships. In the effort of practicing radical honesty: thank you for producing this video. I found it extremely valuable and it helped me understand a little bit more about myself.
This comment is so relatable to me, and yes, the video is extremely valuable compared to others who explained the topic. now, I make the slogan "real connection.. " as a poster and screensaver :)) I found myself in a stage of limerence quickly and in almost any "unreal relations" that I had. Sending hugs
@francookie It feels less intense, but I still have limerence behaviors and a lot of emotional dependence - especially with someone I have even the tiniest attraction to. But as it became more conscious I was able to revert some of those behaviors into something less demaging and more in tune with reality rather than my projection/interpretation of what's happening. Still a long way to go though... But baby steps!
You deserve a cash prize for this video. You’re so emotionally intelligent to analyze it to this depth. You have a gift and thank you for sharing your work and mind with the world. You have no idea how much this helps me understand myself better. You be in my prayers!
Understanding and Overcoming Limerence: 💡 Limerence is about being more attached to the idea of someone inside your head than to the actual person themselves. 😬 Limerence can prevent us from truly connecting with someone because we are unwilling to learn new things about them that may not align with our idealized version of them. 😍 Limerence prevents us from forming genuine connections with people, as we are only emotionally masturbating to the idea of them, using it to boost our own self-worth. 🚨 Recognizing the danger cues in our own minds and bodies that alert us to the fact that what we're feeling is limerence, not true connection, is the first step in getting over it. 🧠 Distinguishing between limerence and genuine sexual attraction requires grounding yourself in the present moment and noticing the feelings that arise in your body. 🌟 Prioritizing the fantasy version of someone over the reality of who they are can be unkind and prevent genuine connection and love. 💡 Understanding the function of limerence is crucial in order to overcome it and make a conscious choice to do something else instead. 💡 Using the tool of radical honesty can be revolutionary and extremely helpful in getting over limerence. Building Genuine Connections: 😮 Focusing on our own experience and the feelings present in our body during sex is more important than worrying about what the other person is thinking of us. 🧱 The real connection can only be formed when two people show up in real-time, share their vulnerable experiences, and connect authentically, rather than putting someone on a pedestal. 🙌 Radical honesty encourages us to center ourselves in our own experiences, avoiding judgments and stories about others, and instead focusing on what happened and how it made us feel. 💡 Choosing genuine connections, despite the uncertainty, can bring immense benefits to our lives.
Most people ramble. Not many tell deep truth. These things you are saying are the 'elephant in the room', for me. How did I ever miss it? How did I think about things my whole 67 years, but miss this. Definitions and accuracy in language is in me, yet this need for radical honesty never occurred as such. Thank you Heidi I will put you on my pedistpool 😍
When I realized that indulging in limerent relationships (imagined ones in my head) prevent me from having real relationships, that was an alarming and enlightening moment. I knew I had to change. I had to start taking real brave actions in real life (and that's pretty scary because it can shatter the pretty fantasies!). Thanks for sharing more information about limerence. I learned a lot. I think it can also help to start spending more time doing things you enjoy doing, like get some fun hobbies and let yourself enjoy it a lot. You won't need to live in fantasies as much if you actually enjoy your real life.
Yes, I relate to this! As my overall life has become significantly more socially fulfilling ( I joined a dance fitness class just before Covid where I have met lots of really genuine people and new friendships), I am now keen to meet people in real life - pen pal style relationships and idealising emotionally unavailable people no longer does it for me. For years, it did - and I wasn’t bothered, but now I’ve had some post - pandemic ‘almost relationships’ IRL (I have had long term real life relationships, but years ago), I am keen to get out there and meet people in person, and I find it incredulous how I chose to settle for fantasies and unreciprocated attraction before Covid, I barely recognise myself ! But it makes sense when I watch this and read the comments- it felt safer, and was a form of escapism. The more I put things in place to enjoy and improve the satisfaction in my life, the less I feel the need to do this 😊🙌
I find that I've done this for my whole life. As a kid, I loved reading. Books, stories, whathaveyou. I learned pretty quick that relationships scared me (due to bad romantic attempts and experiences of rejection), so I found myself leaning more and more into literature. From reading published novels, to even writing my own short pieces. It's a drug. It's addictive. It's painful. I idealize people, I "fall in love" with this version I've made up of them in my head and this has led to me being hurt over people who were never even going to be good for me anyway.
Me too. I always thought my rich fantasy life was a hallmark of being a writer. I actually wrote down my fantasies the last time I got caught up in this. My husband (my first experience with limerence) read my journal, thought it was all true & left me.
Wow. Every time you share your personal stories, what you’re saying connects so powerfully. You are such a great speaker. Thank you for everything you doo 🎵
For me, I think I like the safety that limerence offers me. My favourite way to indulge in this is to establish protracted, online or long-distance relationships with people. If we match on a dating app, I will avoid seeing them for as long as humanly possible - because I know, deep down, that any real, fallible human could not live up to my perfect fantasy of them. I also know that if they do spend time with me in real life, there's a chance that they might reject me - so it's best to just keep them at a distance, admire them, and then, if all communication eventually does stop at some point, you can just blame it on the distance instead of having to feel personal rejection. For me, I think limerence is a fear of the inherent discomfort of reality and some kind of manifestation of low self-esteem. It has kept me alone with my fantasies though and has stopped me from developing the skills needed to deal with the ups and downs of reality, or to actually build my self-esteem. I want to find my real, imperfect person who I can also be a real, imperfect person with.
Wow in tears when you said the part about not being fit enough or perfect enough to love. This video is pure gold and I do want to be vulnerable so I can connect. I believe it has come from my childhood and being not loved for my flaws. But we do deserve to be open and lived no matter how flawed
I think mine comes from not loving myself even though I have always been called beautiful, kind, etc. I always am limerent with someone who likes me but we cannot be together for whatever reason. My mood depends on a damn text from the person I am limerent with!
I noticed in myself the constant fight against setting unrealistic expectations which I knew were unrealistic but still ended up feeling resentful when they weren't met. I had no idea how much there was to that. This is like I've been looking at one piece of a puzzle and suddenly I can see a lot more pieces and begin to fit them together. That is incredibly useful.
Wow. So many glass walls are shattering right now for me. Half way through i started to weep with the grief of awareness and remorse. This process is the basement membrane of ALL my relationships. I see it in every single interaction I have in any personal arena. The saddest front is my own child. The scales of inauthentic loving are falling from eyes like sheets of colored glass layers. I had no idea there was a word for this concept. It changes everything about my self concept. Thank you for making this video and for your beautiful, transparent delivery and reveals about your own self awareness. Im deeply impressed by your level of insight for such a young woman. I wish I knew this 30 years ago.
This was such a great breakdown!!! I was obsessed with a guy I met last summer after one day! I created a fantasy version of him in my head and when he didn’t perform as I wanted or expected him to, I’d get upset. When I realized I was doing this, I sat him down and apologized for trying to change him and if I made him feel as though he wasn’t enough just the way he was. Now I hangout with him and it feels like a huge load has been removed. I truly enjoy the person that he is before me.
@@Mermaid03_03 is it OK to sit them down and tell my girlfriend for example, that I’ve been seeing her in a way that made up in my mind, therefore, that’s where my anger and frustration comes from expecting her to be the girl that I met in the beginning who showed that they want to continue to get to know me, etc. but now she’s always busy and she’s in a crazy situation going through a divorce… I know it’s my choice because I want to continue to get to know her but sometimes I feel like she is being a little cold with me and it’s because I get mad that she “changed “in my mind
I can’t put into words how relieved and happy I am to finally have a name for this feeling I’ve had for someone for the past almost 20 years of my damn life. I thought I had gone crazy. 😅 Having a name will help me continue to heal in this lifetime. 😊 thank you for explaining it so well!
I always knew there was a major flaw in how I handled my romantic relationships and this just revealed it to me... im very loving, but I expect too much sometimes... thank you for explaining this concept. And thank you to RUclips for putting it on my feed...
This blew my mind. The concept of limerence, unspoken gratitude turning into expectation, sexual attraction being distinct from what the mind portrays, and connection being something that most of us fear despite saying it’s what we want are all things that I haven’t specifically considered before even though I have done a lot of internal work. I am happy I found your channel!
Feeling that TF journey pain myself; however, I now believe Limerance is the same thing as a Twin Flame, the person. I also know now that my husband of 41 years began as Limerance. I have struggled with my fantasies about our relationship. Boo hiss.
Good for you to know. I also bought into that tf bogus for years. It's keeping you just where you are. Stuck in this place, while escaping your real life and real love.
I wish this term was more commonly known. I’ve been limerant for 42 years but thought I was a freak because I’ve never seen anything written or said about it until now. This video was so so helpful and so well explained. Thanks you so much, so glad to know I’m not alone
This has been one of THE absolutely most valuable 30 minutes I’ve spent in my entire life. It puts the pieces of an over 40 year Limerent experiences of a girl together perfectly.
No surprise seeing so many infp’s here. We love to overly romanticize/idealize situations and people and live in our heads. Reality proves to be a hard concept for dreamers like us. I’ve only recently discovered what limerence is and it has completely reshaped my entire outlook on my life of the past, present and, future. I thought I knew what love was, but now I’m sadly certain I’ve never truly felt it. I’ve just been experiencing my own selfish, self comforting delusions as a result of my anxious attachment and maladaptive daydreaming tendencies. It has been quite the soul crushing reality to realize this, but recognizing the fact is important for my personal growth. My wish now is to not let these daydream fantasies of the limerent object take over, but rather to internalize, and believe all the things I imagine them telling me. For example I struggle with deep feelings of insecurity, so I often imagine them saying I’m beautiful and deserving of love. I now realize I do this because I truly am all of these good qualities, it’s just that it’s much easier and more comforting imagining it’s coming from someone else. But in actuality I shouldn’t need to hear it from anyone else. It’s a matter of learning to love yourself without needing another person to tell you you’re deserving of this love. True love will come once you learn to love yourself. You’ll no longer be afraid of true connection or even rejection because you’ll know you can simply move on and still be secure of who you are. I also wish to see the other person for who they really are. Deeply, truly and with the respect they deserve to be seen with. That’s the beauty of the human experience. To love people for who they really are. It’s much more beautiful and rewarding than assigning your own unrealistic fantasies onto them
She is reading me for filth… coming from a BPD. This is teaching me a lot. I realized I have been idealizing a version of my close friend and putting up expectations of him so high, not being mindful in the moment of what we are. Not in my body but in a fantasy. I need to ground myself more and appreciate the real moments we share. “I appreciate him for listening to me for 2 hours about my health issues”. Bam. I need to learn more about this
I discovered limerance in 2019 after my first terrible breakup. It's probably the thing I struggle with the most when meeting people, is idealizing them and then experiencing loss of (nothing). It's a pretty crummy emotion but I think the more you identify your boundaries and discover how varied people are it becomes harder to fall into the trap. It's easier to reconcile my limerance now because I know myself better and what is truly good for me.
This has been cathartic. I never had friends in highschool and very little romantic connection. By the end of college I became pretty well adjusted and sociable but that insecurity stuck with me and I believe this is the root of why limmerance has been and continues to be the only form of "love" I have experienced. It took me until now to realize this. Thank you for this.
It's hard bc I'm living with the person in question, one of several housemates on a program. They've been a good friend to me but that's it. And it's begun to dawn on me that there was something unfair in how I was idealizing them in my head and honestly treating them differently, doting on them, when they're just another person trying to exist in a new place, in a new job and is stuck with me for the next few months. I already asked them out and they politely turned me down. It only dawned on me that this isn't normal, that I have some problem, when I was waiting for myself to move on and noticed something in my brain wouldn't let me. Regardless I need to do what I can to resolve this. I want to be an honest friend to them and see them for how they are, not how I want them to be. I cannot think of a single flaw they have when that obviously can't be true.
Dating was not allowed growing up and also a taboo subject. But looking back I developed deep feelings for 3 crushes for years ( not over lapping) because I wasnt allowed to date, so I’d “love” then from afar, draw up fantasies of us as a couple . But I knew one of them liked me back.
This was my prayer answered. I have been living like this for my entire life. I even put my parents on this pedistal. The current man I never met IRL I put up so high over myself and told myself he is my soulmate. We have been chatting online for 7 months. Told him I almost lived him!!! You saved my life thank u
I had a limerence for a colleague many, many years ago and unfortunately acted on it. It resulted in me rejecting my SO and almost destroyed our relationship. We broke up for a time and the focus of my limerance moved away. Once the spell was broken I realised what I had sacrificed for a fantasy - a real relationship. My SO and I reconciled and we have been married now for 12 years. I do still have phases of limerence - mostly people in the public eye now which is safer - when I’m in an uncertain place. I literally can’t get anything done when I’m in it because it’s all consuming of my cognitive functions. I do have OCD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (which I’ve been treated for) I also assume the dopamine hit I get from fantasising is related to my ADHD. This has been very helpful as I know what I’m dealing with - an enemy with a name is easier to fight, if you will.
This is so genius! Limerences are a result of wanting something that's missing in our lives, and wanting some hapless crush to fulfill that for us. I realized I was feeling empty and awful because I'm breaking away from my abusive family (who don't accept me for who I am), I badly want acceptance so I tried to get that from a guy I have a crush on and only met with indifference, and instead did the right thing which was to make plans with friends who genuinely truly love me and care about me and finally got what I needed. I'd like to add: I feel attacked, lol! I am talked about in this video and I don't like it. But boy I needed to hear this.
Your points on sex and limerence were extremely well taken. I am (re-)exploring my sexuality at 24 after deciding that I identify with the spectrum of asexuality. At first, I accepted I was just not as interested in sex as I imagined most others to be. But then at some point I realized I think I lost touch with my sexuality after years of being insecure and attaching to whomever would show me attention, and I’m not so sure that I’m not interested in sex, but perhaps I just don’t know how to engage in sex in a way that I actually enjoy. Everytime I have sex, I end up just wanting it to be over. I am never calm when it comes to intimacy and therefore I KNOW I am not feeling sexual attraction, but I think the possibility is still there. Now to do the work of getting out of fantasy world and coming back to my reality…
I have an add-on. You said something along the lines of "if the person we are/have limerence about is not acting the way we expect towards us, we blame them". I actually have the opposite, I have extremely bad self esteem (to the point my psychiatrist had a hard time comprehending it), and when I pedestalize/idolize or as I now have learned, have limerence about someone, and then they fail to show me "perfect love" or whatever I expect of their behavior towards me, I don't get angry at them, I go "of course they did that, even angels like them can only tolerate me for so long" or something like that. So I turn it around at myself, and blame me for the imagined slight or dip in behavior towards me.
I had no idea what limerence meant until now. This video “randomly” came through my feed and the timing was absolutely divine. This was so well explained, and I just want to thank you for making this video. It has helped immensely. 🙏🏽💯
Oh god. This is definitely me, and also a big part of why I avoid relationships. Not only do I know that I don’t actually want them, but I’m majorly afraid that they’ll be doing the same to me and I won’t measure up to the version of me in their head. It’s crazy how my mind has decided that someone being attracted to me is equivalent to them rejecting me
Holy cr*p! This video is SOOO ENLIGHTENING! The part I really connected with was the part about showing appreciation towards gestures/actions. For example: I have a pattern to even thank my friends (or SOs) when they give me a gift by saying "I see beyond the object. I appreciate the gesture of you thinking of me, spending your time, your money....etc" basically creating this entire story in my head on how they came up with the reasons for giving me the gift....when in reality, like Heidi is saying, they are just giving you the gift. Appreciate the object and the gesture for what it is.! But I tend to romanticize the gesture because that is how I want them to act towards me. Man, this is very eye opening!!!
This video explained things I've observed and lived, but had no words for. I was on the receiving end of someone's limerence, and he was the most loving, attentive guy, except it would frequently happen that he'd suddenly turn on me and tell me "you shouldn't behave like that", "you shouldn't use those words", "you shouldn't cut your hair", and the non-verbal ones were even worse: eg. I tinted my eyebrows once but it came out a little dark. No sweat, right? Except he took one look at me and turned away, unable to even look at me. His disappointment and real grief was so palpable, and he never talked about it, he just rejected me in this absolute, unexplained way, but we didn't break up. I remember so well having like an almost out of body experience every time we'd have an argument, because a few minutes in I'd suddenly realize, "he's not talking to me, he's talking to his ideal partner". Everything would be amazing, until I break the illusion by simply being myself. Then he'd gently but firmly bring me back in line, either in covert ways like emotional manipulation, or overt ways (arguments, threats, etc). I nearly lost myself in that relationship, because he was such a good, nice person and I genuinely loved him and wanted to please him.
Honestly, playing the devil's advocate, it seems like both of you were immature in some way. I mean, a more mature person would not have dated someone like that. But it's ok, in the end, we're all learning how to live, what to do and what matters
this is what's been plaguing me my entire life! I never knew it was a thing with its own name until half an hour ago 🙃, although I always suspected that my "crushes" were unhealthy obsessions, rather than something real. once I even spent three years in a relationship with a man only to figure out that I was in love with a fantasy of him that I'd created, whereas the real person was someone else completely. thank you so much for this video 🖤
@@ljubovv5610there are some currents of thought that say that you can't feel limerance if you're actually in a relationship with your "limerance object". I think that's what they mean.
This is so crazy because I do this but I’m at the point now where I do it on a very conscious level…I used to think I really loved these guys, but I’m at the point now where I’m aware enough to realize it’s not about the guy at all. It’s all about my fantasies and how the energy makes me feel. They’re just a mirror being held up to me. Nowdays, I will literally go out of my way to NOT have deep romantic conversations with these men. When they try to talk to me, ask me out etc I will almost get turned off (?) or something or do something to sabotage it. Its weird tho, because I actually have had real relationships. Very deep and loving relationships, so I am capable. But these limerant objects I have are like my own little secret. It’s the teenage girl that’s still deep within me that wants to feel that heart racing longing and excitement for a guy without all the drama and headache. I look at it now as fun and not to be taken seriously. So in a way I’ve tamed my limerance to where I no longer expect an outcome, I don’t even WANT an outcome anymore. It’s this fun fantasy that belongs to me and only me. The guy is just a template I use to trigger those fantasies-Like reading a romance novel-It keeps my day from being stale and boring. It keeps my energy up. It keeps my mind occupied so I don’t have to ruminate on some really depressing sheeit…It’s just a game inside my mind and there it stays…Does that make sense to anyone else? Lol
It really does makes sense and I feel I reached a similar point in my life as well. Limerance has been part of my life ever since I was a kid, and recently realized that I do not have feelings or a genuine intention to get to know the guys I'm in Limerence with, I just love experiencing the feeling of what means to like someone and all the excitement around it, I think I'm addicted to it to the point that feeding the feeling just a little is enough for me to not long for a relationship with them anymore, this also because I had a situation with a guy I was in Limerence with that made me snap back to reality and see things alot more clearly, so now it is easier for me to diferentiate a genuine interest from Limerence, I can control my feelings alot better and prevent myself from being completly sucked in to this fantasy world. it definitely feels alot more empowering now than it was before since I am in control.
@@aperson7210 OMG exactly…you are literally *me* rn 😂😂😂 Just in the last couple of years have I really done enough self work and introspection that I realized all of this. I used to really think I was in love with these guys and wanted it to work out. But again, every time they’d actually reach out to me and try to make it more romantic I’d take a giant leap back. I realized that these limerant “crushes” felt different than when I really like a guy and want to have a real relationship with him. The limerance feels more anxious, more all consuming and fantastical; and it’s usually with men that I know deep down (for whatever reason) wouldn’t make a good partnership with me long term. Now that I know that, I’m able to step back and see it all for the fantasy that it is (and like you said, that’s actually very self empowering vs the sense of powerlessness I felt before when I was in limerance). But yea, I love the rush it gives me, it is like an addiction…and funny enough, that rush of excitement and attraction actually makes me more desirable to other men because they sense all of this wild energy within me. And I really am looking for a real man to have a real relationship with, but now I know the difference, and in the meantime having my little fantasy crushes are fun…But like any addiction you have to not let it consume you in a negative way. So now that I’m more aware, I can just bask in the excitement of it all without taking it too seriously. Before it felt like a curse, now it feels more like a gift lol. It’s funny how the more you know, the more your perspective can change for the better.
Yes, it does make a lot of sense. I made a girl at the grocery store my limerant little sister, who grew to become my entire world. One year after she had quit, I dug up her name and wrote her a letter where I asked if she wanted to let me see her as my little sister a few times a year. It was pretty much explicitly so I could have her as daydream fodder for all the other days of the year. I cut myself some slack for the whole ordeal because I don't have any family. And also because I really needed something good to believe in when the lockdowns hit. It was a price that had to be paid.
@@whitneyangelie3682 Sounds a lot like me too. Deep down I know the guy I have been limerent with would not be good for me.I have had limerence with a few different guys since I was 13. The last guy has been 15 years and he would not make a good partner. My entire life my happiness would depend on if I heard from the person I was limerent or not! Even as a teen if the guy I liked smiled at me it would make my week! If he ignored me I would be in a state of depression. I hate it so much I wish I were dead but would not do that to my family. At least I know it is a fantasy and not love.
@@lf9341 I totally get where you’re coming from….and 15 years?! Wow that’s a lonnggg time! I know it can be discouraging but maybe if you try to look at it from a new perspective (like I was talking about) it will relieve some of the frustration and depression you’re going through. If you just keep them as your own personal fantasy while still keeping yourself open to *real* possibilities I bet you’ll feel better. You don’t want these limerant objects to become so all consuming that you’re not opening yourself up to any other potential love that could be coming your way, you know? You deserve better than that!
Years ago when I first listened to The Spoils by Massive Attack, it felt like a slap in my face. I realized I idealised the person I liked in a similar way to the point they no longer resembled their actual self. I had a different relationship with them in my mind. Another reality. The more it kept going, the less they resembled their actual self. But I just kept getting in love with that version more and more and found myself mixing nonexistent fake memories I had with them with actual ones. Then I became anxious, and angry. Resented. For seeing they were not treating me the way they did in my mind. I just fell in love with a fantasy. I do this pretty much with everyone, sometimes even with social media figures, actors and characters etc. In those scenerios, I find myself taken care of by the person. I find myself in a place where I believe I can be loved. I feel needed. I find myself in scenerios where I am told that I am not a burden and it is okay to feel what I feel by a specifically kind and nurturing character or person from real life or such media. Is it the mind's own way of reassuring itself by telling itself what it already knows via another person's image? Maybe, idk. After all, I am in control of the fantasy. Maybe I just happen to think about those things and fantasize because that's what I need deep down.
This was really eye opening for me. I remember talking to my partner about putting one another on a pedestal and discussing how unfair it was to do that to each other. But we didn't have a word for it. But now it's easier to recognize limerence when it's happening because I can communicate it.
This actually has given me a lot of clarity. I was neglected by my mother who was a drug addict and I've been trying to close that childhood wound for so long now. Limerence for me can also be platonic too. I had a teacher who I looked up to a lot. I constantly wanted to impress him because he showed appreciation for me. My limerence was platonic but I also did idealize him. So when he ended up assigning another new student to my original role and shifting me into a role I wasn't fond of it removed that idealization of him being that replacement for my mother who never gave me the support I needed. I became quietly resentful of him but also extremely angry and jealous of the student who replaced me. This gives me so much clarity thank you.
I just want to say that this video was a major moment in my recovery from limerence. It helped me have an important breakthrough by forcing me to interrogate the story I told myself about me and my LO and the actual reality. I would not be where I am today without this video. Thank you for making it. I hope it helps many more people heal, recover, and take back their lives.
I recently hit a type of rock bottom from my limerence. I'm almost 39 years old and finally ready to let it go. Videos like this channel and also crapoy childhood fairy and John Bradshaw are very helpful. Thank you for being the voice of reason I so needed all my life.
Oof. I just realized I DO have a choice in what I follow, fantasy or accepting people for who they are. I felt like being tossed around by limerance and until now I was actually waiting for a new limerance object to appear in my life. I feel like I want to experience reality more, but it is haaaard :( THANK YOU for making this video!!
I think every person on earth should watch this video 😄 holy cow, what a game changer. This not only explains perceived “romantic” obsessions I’ve had, which have been really troubling since I’m married, but it also even helped me realize how I’m limerent toward my parents (and siblings and friends etc), wanting them to really be the version of them that I’ve made up in my head. Why is this not talked about more?? I majored in psychology in my undergrad and never once heard about this or even the term limerence.
Heidi-this is without a doubt the most important part of my experience I need to recognise. Thank you. I appreciate the time 🕰️ you took to share this information
It's not just girls that do this, guys do it too, I was just writing from my experience. I wrote a limerick to go with the video: Oh, so it's like a limerick, you make it up in your head: One night I went out to dance and surprisingly found a romance. He swooned, complimented I saw the love I'd lamented. But didn't know it was limerance. I closed my eyes and made what's missing. Never seeing the snake that's hissing My ears were shut tight I gave up my sight If only I was focused and listening. I wanted my life to be like a song Imagining what I wanted all along After too much spent time, I looked in my mind And saw that got it all wrong. I gave away my time, attention and needs. Doing all manner of pleasing deeds But what I got back felt like a heart attack Limerance surely misleads. I forgot about who he was being When my mind I should have been freeing I pretended he cared When I should have been scared. But the limerence had kept me from seeing. I thought a hand he would lend for myself I would not have to fend But I was the one who had no fun I learned only to lean and bend. I anticipated our endeavor Picturing our future together. When I awoke from my fog Like being hit in the head with a log I saw instead of now, it was never. Limerance is ignorance fancifuly chosen. Like a mannequin my man i'm posin' But when I awake, I see its all fake and just a dream I created while dozin' So many of us girls are pretend able. That the guys we are with are dependable. We lie to ourselves about our find Put the real guy on the shelves of our mind In hopes that the loss will be mendable. I thought I was going to win. My head started to spin Lies of deception My minds conception. When I needed to look within. Know that good ones exist With patience you must persist. Don't close your eyes or tell yourself lies On reality you must insist! Don't be a lazy git Or dramatically throw a fit what you are looking for true is surely looking for you You gotta be it to see it. So don't just hop into bed With the story you hold in your head To reality stay true Or Limerance fools you Call a trusted friend instead. Do not pretend and conceal It may seem too hard to deal But stay in the present Even if it's unpleasant And the best outcomes will reveal. ❤
Wow, that just blew up my mind several times in a row. Yes, sign me up; I'm ready to work on this (remarkable timing actually). Which means I'm going to listen to it again RIGHT NOW and likely again tomorrow and then as many times as I need to until I actually catch all the things I need (maybe one at a time) and hold them long enough to try to weave them into my being. Seriously...so many things rolled into this video and so much good information/inspiration. I'm relieved that you want to do more on this topic, because I want more on it, too. Whew. Okay, time to press "play" again... Before I go... Heidi, I appreciate that you made this video and made it available here where I watched it, because the things you say in it have prompted many useful thoughts that I did not already have on my own, and that are helpfully relevant to the growth work I'm doing right now. Thank you.
This was an amazing vid! I'm projecting feelings onto you just from your comment! LOL! This is a vid I need to watch and take notes and watch again a few times!
This video's mentally saved my life. You also remind me of my therapist in some way. My understanding by the end of the video: While a lot of us want 'real' connections, we haven't a bit of idea what a real connection is and when we're all busy fantasizing and obsessing over a person's imagined traits instead of their actual selves, this leaves no room for their true authentic selves, the moment you place them on a pedestal using a blank canvas, you also remove the chances of forming a real connection with that person which would actually require you to be vulnerable and authentic, both of the things that you aren't able to be because you're too busy plotting a storyline with this person wherein you yourself are also an idealized version and you can't face your true self, let alone have someone see it vulnerably. "The limerent person doesn't want a real connection, they want their limerent object to act the way they imagined them to be." Thank you Heidi.
My limerent subject is a big alpha male, attractive for his confidence and authority, but married. My beloved mate died of Alzheimer's. I’ve felt over-responsible, over-burdened, lonely and vulnerable for six years now. This guy's help made me feel protected and cared for. I’m clearly yearning to feel that again. What intensified my longing was, he clearly enjoyed my gratitude. I wondered if his wife doesn’t express enough appreciation for him. Anyway I was grateful and expressed it verbally and ethically - no seduction. I've got enough pain without getting sexual with a married man. When I move my idealized "him" from a place above -- the position of a guardian -- to somewhere alongside me (a regular human with fatigue, uncertainty and limitations), his overwhelming presence in my mind shrinks and becomes more manageable. And my self respect returns, along with the painful awareness of feeling alone and unprotected. Realizing the above left me sobbing. I wanted so much to be a serene, self-sufficient single woman. I don't know if I'll ever be that. Even if I build my own safety, I’ll still probably want a steady man in my life. Limerence protects me from this frightened, lonely feeling. And it's a signal to me that I need to become even more aware of good decisions for myself. I'm the only one who can. Emotional sobriety, as I call it, feels lonely but I need to trust myself in the real world, and even better, enjoy it. Thank you for the clarity you provide here.
I appreciate the non-judge mental view of what function does the limerence serve and where does it come from, which I think is key to changing anything. I think too often videos or articles about it frame things like “this is disordered and you need to get rid of it”, which gives an overall tone of shaming that I think keeps people stuck. In the past my episodes eventually faded, but I’ve had one where I think what happened was actually mutual limerence, which threw me for quite a loop as I’d always known in the back of my mind “this is still a crush/fantasy”, except for when the mixture of real connection/fantasy was actually reciprocated, it became one of the most impactful (positively and negatively) connections of my entire life. I don’t judge myself or the other person ultimately, though. Life is tough and we may be growing at different paces and levels of awareness, but I know I am growing and I believe he is as well.
Wow! That explains SO much about me. I love what you said about how Limerence is disrespectful of the other person because it doesn’t give them the space to exist. I think that very few people would choose to harm someone if they knew they had a choice. For me, fear is the lack of understanding and/or tools to effectively change the outcome of a situation. This video gave me a tool that I can use to put my relationships into better perspective. I owe some people a better version of myself to appreciate. (Apologies are meaningless unless you mean it, right?) Super appreciate this video. PS: I don’t use Twitter because the crap there is so much thicker than YT. I hope you’ll show up more here. 😁
After learning about limerence, I realized that I have never had a real connection with anyone romantically. Ever. I grieved over this, thinking about all my relationships and my marriages. But, I also was able to forgive myself because I honestly don't even really know what romantic love is and it isn't my fault.
I've been doing this ever since I started to get over the depression from my last relationship. Lots of scenarios keep going in my head and I feel horny and sad and loved as my thoughts change energy and when I'm back to reality there's a complete drop in emotions and everything feels so dry and cadaverous. Thanks for this video !
I've heard about this term a year ago and I've tried really, *really* hard to let go of my "object of limerence" . My friends and family kept telling me all the same stuff about how it's all just stories that I "imagined". I tried to "accept" that the "relationship was all in my head", but the more I tried, the more aggressive the tendency for fantasies and the more my feelings became intense. The more I tried, the more I felt horrible and confused like I was gaslighting myself. I was trying to convince myself that all the moments when I actually felt in my body that I was important and attractive to him were "projections of my brain" and it just made me feel weak, frightened, powerless and confused. Now I don't feel this way all the time because I do believe we have subtle senses and we can actually perceive other people's emotions and intents. I no longer expect the guy to express his feelings towards me honestly. He hasn't been doing that before and he very likely won't be doing that ever again. But I still hold my belief that he is attracted to me in an intense confusing way although I don't think he is perfect in any way. I'm just done with gaslighting myself and I don't see any benefit in distrusting my own intelligence and perception just because someone else says that it's all just "stories in my head".
Limerence is extremely hard to let go of when that is the only “love” you have ever experienced.
Whew. Aint that the truth.
It’s hard to get rid of even in other circumstances. I've experienced great true love in my life before. I know exactly why I'm experiencing limerence now but I can’t shake it off
True, I think it would involve having someone I find attractive just finding me interesting and wanting to see how it goes. The only way I know love is more often than not obsessive nonreciprocal love
Limerance is not love! That's the point! It's a emotion formed on childhood due to not being loved correctly or watching our parents versions of what they think is love! I'm just understanding this and it's allowing me to finally let go and understand what I need to do to form healthy relationships with people! It's not easy but definitely achievable!
So, your say I should divorce my wife, because my feelings are not realistic. As the real person will just be a disappointment, unless I can live and learn to love the person that they are??
An important addition to the video: people who had a difficult childhood, especially those who never had their emotional needs met are prone to limerance. The reason is because we were always prone to imagining a parellel reality, a whole world of fantasies we could escape to. Fantasies have always been a safer world for us than the real one, so our mind is already used to this dynamic (it's basically like 'muscle memory'). When something triggers this dynamic, it's like opening a portal to our safe fantasy world, and as destructive as it is, we are used to actually loving it.
wow i just discovered this and i'm mindblown by its accuracy
This is called maladaptive daydreaming.
@@Yasmin-rf2ne same
This is sooooo true.
Your comment resonated with me. I’m definitely guilty of fantasy-creating a parallel world to escape into.
Another important characteristic of Limerence is to pick unavailable people, like married, living abroad etc.
Also something I'd add that I haven't really seen being talked much about with limerence is that in our fantasies WE are different not just the other person. Its also an idealised version of ourselves that plays out in these fantasies.
😮
So true
I was thinking this too. It's very true.
I remember telling him 'I only see you with me in an ideal version of myself'
ofc he unfollowed me few weeks after on instagram..
"Real connections can only form over shared realities."
Love that.
Timestamp
3:35?
26:10
My dream has always been to have children with a family oriented man. Yet, having anxiety & depression, plus growing up in a violent alcoholic family prevents me from being attracted by/to a family oriented man. I feel helpless and hopeless right now.
@@kathleenblair7278 go for the person God puts in your life that you wouldn’t normally be attracted to. That’s how I did it and I got me a good one. It could also be a blessing in disguise. I had kids before I was healed and now suffer from more guilt and shame than originally was there
I have never hated learning something and also deeply appreciate learning something so much at the same time
So true !!😢 and also 😊
Same!
Word!
Scary 😂
Lol truth 😂😂😂
"You need to appreciate people in the moment for actions that actually happened without telling yourself a story about them or any layer of interpretation whatsoever!", words to live by.
People who are limerent also tend to buy into the whole "soulmate, twin flame, divine union" idea. With all due respect to people who believe all that, these ideas can actually harm and trigger people who are limerent. It's easy to get lost in the comfort a tarot card reader gives you when they say "the person who's on your mind is thinking about you". But it keeps feeding and validating fantasies and stops from trying to regain your control over life.
It's horrible that some people who claim to know about soulmates have exploited limerent people and used their feelings of helplessness to build a business model. If you are someone who is constantly looking into the "soulmate" tarot or anything else please stop. As someone who has been in your place, I can assure you that unfollowing these people will be the best thing you will do for yourself.
Completely agree with you. I have been watching tarot card reading for more than two years and what I have learned in these years is that the fantasies we create in our head after watching a tarot card reading are completely different from reality. I am not saying that all tarot readers are fake but one must not get attached to them. Sometimes, they come up with a topic like " who is thinking about you" which can be dangerous sometimes because who you are thinking about may not be thinking about you too. I don't believe in soul mates and twin flames. I believe that loving someone is not just enough you got to have a solid plan.You got to have the finances to make it work.
Very well said
So interesting. When I was in limerance did the Tarot card reading s too. I only "claimed " the ones that resonated. What is weird though is that some of those readings seemed so in poiny with accurate details. They showed up on my feed naturally. But what is really weird once I healed the Tarot readings stopped popping up in my feed entirely!
1000% I fell deep into that trap.
I started to realize that’s what was happening with my tarot obsession… their stories were my form of self soothing by escaping into potential fantasies that most likely aren’t real… Now I’m watching these limerance videos to try to snap out of it lol But I do believe in soulmates still, I think just my radar of how I was detecting and perceiving them might have been off
When she said that we develop a fantasy of someone being in a superior position bc we want them to take care of us, I feel it. Another possible reason is that when many of us were forced to take care of our parents emotionally as kids, and we were so tired of doing that. We spend a long time looking for someone who takes care of us. I get all these codependencies are bad, but, reparenting ourselves for something we've never had is so hard.
Im the opposite. I need to feel needed.
For me, just recently, I have realized that- other peoples abuse onto me is ABOUT THEM, NOT ME. When i make the assaults about me...I become manipulative- I present as being needy, altruistic, a pleaser, Limerance and the trauma bonding...settling for crappy. NOT BEING AUTHENTIC. establishing boundaries with my self, and with others is what I am working on now. Being vulnerable by sharing the atrocities free of fear and shame, Helps me to come out of hiding who I really am. I share with a close friend. I was told as a child, that if i told about the " punishment" ( we all know it's abuse) the abuser will tell what I did to deserve it. I'm finally telling 40 years later.
For me it could be a feeling of needing to be validated
Okay, but imagine finding that person :P
@@CanwegetSubscriberswithn-cu2it
I don’t even know where to start on this journey. I don’t want to be obsessed with this person anymore despite the fantasies of us one day being together, it isn’t guaranteed and I’m tearing myself up thinking about it everyday and every hour.
How are you travelling now, you made this comment a month ago?
@@Jules2468 since a month ago
There’s been a big change/shift. Circumstances happened and I think it was meant for me to just be away from the person in order for me to start healing. I’ve been seeing the person less than less and it’s helping me to not think about them. by myself, and not in their presence helps me to correlate my thoughts and accept reality a lot easier. It’s made it easier for me to tell myself that it is mostly a fantasy that only exists because I force it to. I’m not perfect and I’m definitely not 100% there yet because there are still feelings, but they are definitely not as strong as they were a month ago!! I think the most important thing that has been helping me is knowing how much I’m worth and dealing with my personal issues of validation from partners!! it feels a lot better, knowing I don’t need to see them as much as I wanted to before. This thing takes time though, and I still have a lot more work to do, but I’m trying to trust the process I guess?
Another thing that has helped me is accepting my feelings and crying if I really need to . It hurts to let out the emotions and to except the deep rooted issues that are the reason for my it’s helped me have clarity on why I tend to be limerent on people.
@@Jules2468 I thought I responded I’m sorry LOL
Eventually circumstances happened that I think where ment to happen. I’ve been spending more time way from said person and it’s given me the space to properly grieve ( cause I won’t dismiss my emotions) and accept the reality with no interruptions? I don’t see them as often as I did before and it’s helped a lot. I’m still not 100% there of course as it’s taking time. But being able to really sit in my emotions and reflect in my own personal time has helped. For me it’s deeply rooted issues of validation from getting attention (as the person gives me a lot of attention). Being away and only seeing the person on occasion has given me more clarity and space to accept the reality of my internal dilemma. It’s also helped me to not idealize the person cause when I’m with them, I’m in a completely fantasy world about what’s REALLY going on.
Hi
This.. 😔💔
Dude. I've been trying to rationalize why I have gone through any of my romantic interactions the way I have. I can't even express how powerful it is to finally put a name to this. God this is liberating.
Educate your self! Thats great. Its a huge relief to be validated and identifying these patterns that we were so unaware of in the past. Hearing stories in a community of hurt people is validating, and brings an awareness, and this is powerful- let's the ridden the shame that is holding us down!
Just remember that not everything needs a name or a title or a category - specially in the field of psychology where it cannot be considered a science (even though it is) just because each thesis can provide different results on everyone.
Yeeeesssss
It makes so much sense and I am so relieved now.
I need to listen to this over and over again.
Excellent video, thank you for breaking down what limerance is. I look forward to more videos in the future regarding this topic.
My limerence was born out of emotional deprivation. My estranged family were cold and distant.
I'm now concentrating on developing my own interests and hobbies for myself. I love the natural environment and going for long coastal walks. It makes me feel connected. It would be good to meet new people however I'm no longer desperate for validation. If someone likes me they like me, if they don't they don't. I'm fine with that. I don't miss those desperate, insecure feelings of limerence. It was a prison to me.
Interesting. I think every single female in my family is in limerance with me which is disturbing. It a stems from how my grandmother raised them. I haven't dated anyone in years because my mother won't get off my back. It's rather disgusting actually. Plus the dating world is so bizarre to me anyway I don't even find ppl attractive anymore.
How old are you, just curious?
@@kimberlynorato135 The modern dating world seems bizarre to me also with far too much emphasis on sexuality than deeper meaningful connection. ENFP
Same here.
Touch is important too though. Can you find touch? A dog?
You are NEVER rambling. Every sentence that comes out of you could be a carefully edited sentence in a book. Your videos are so impressive.
i second that!!
@@bjuri_lore I third it. I sit amazed at the speed Heidi speaks, her diction and her ability to convey highly complex concepts with ease and clarity. Her thinking is definitely of an ultra-high order.
agree! I wanted to make notes but then realised I'd have to basically write every line !
When I was depressed a couple of years ago I lay in bed and listened to every short story on the New Yorker podcast. One of those stories was by Karen Russel called ‘the bog girl’ the story basically goes like this; a boy finds a Stone Age corpse that has been persevered in a bog. He falls in love with it and carries it home and decides it’s his girlfriend. He sits it next to him, holds it hand and much to the horror of his mother takes it to bed with him. Anyway by some magic it comes to life and she loves him back. So he immediately puts her back in the bog. LOL 😂.
It’s more about being lithromantic- apparently where you have no desire to be loved back. Though it could be interpreted as he only wanted his perfect image of her and he needed a blank canvas to do that; an actual imperfect cavewoman would just not do. We carry around our fantasies of people in our heads like he carried her body.
This reminded me of that brilliant story, minus the necrophilia.👍🏻
Brilliant explanation
@@ASMRParadise 👍🏻
Wow thank you so much for sharing this!! I’ll go listen to this episode of the New Yorker
thank you for telling the story and actually taking the trouble to type up all that
Excellent story!
Wonderful video. Limerence also robs you of a clear view of yourself and disempowers you from growth. For example, if you have a fantasy of a safety-providing person, you may never find out what is beyond what you are afraid of. You'll never discover your own bravery. Letting go of a need for fantasies is a vote for believing in yourself.
damn
Very true.
Wow. This is exactly right. 💯
This is such a good point
Wow.
As someone who’s very limerant his whole life I think I finally understood what it is…it is not love, it is the state of your inner child wanting and craving the love from a specific person. And by receiving just a little from that person you finally think and feel that you’ve found what you’ve always wanted. True, unconditional love. And so you lose yourself in that fantasy.
I think I often get limerence because I blossomed very late in life. Growing up, boys weren't into me. I didn't slowly practise being in the dating world - instead, it happened all at once for me when I turned around 20 years old. I am now 35 years old, and still catch myself daydreaming a lot about men and how I want them to want me so bad. I think it's because one of my core wounds is that I don't feel wanted. I don't feel loved. That definitely stems from my childhood with distant parents. So, I have created a safe space in my head, where members of the opposite sex REALLY want me. But in real life? I am often way too scared to take the plunge with men (fearful avoidant).
You literally took the words out my mouth … I find myself literally acting out or getting mad when the other sex doesn’t want me … looking to see if their looking ..😢Shìt is desperate but I know I just want attention . I never have this issue with women though , I want the men in life to praise me like how my female Frennn do .. but they know the real me
I know these feelings... I even go one step further.... I don't even fantasise about the person wanting ME. I'm looking for a suitable representative. Someone I can relate to and empathise with. This proxy person is then wanted by my LO in my place. So I can split this fantasised relationship even further away from me and still experience it "through an avatar". Isn't that crazy? To fantasise a fantasy within a fantasy through a fantasised avatar?
@webweib8271 that does sound complicated. But, perhaps, the first step is acknowledgement. And you've got that! I wish you healing ❤️
@@refreshingtwist yes, I am working on it. With professional help. I also wish you the best for your journey
@webweib8271 Thank you! It's been a journey! 2 steps forward, 5 steps back - kind of thing. But, I'm determined!!
Every romantic interest that I have ever had has been limerence. You hit the nail on the head when you said "anxious avoidant" because that is exactly who I am. I feel like these limerent fantasies are the only thing that makes me feel genuine joy and makes me feel confident and secure. It's the only time that I could believe that I am capable of being loved by another human being.
I'm with you there and sadly many others too.
this is so sad, i relate
I relate, too. "Anxious Avoidant "
Same. Like every interest they might have said something or show a little interest but then pretty sure the rest Is limmerence
Not only do I suffer from Limerence, I now have romantic dreams to the point I've started going to bed earlier so I can dream for longer!
I appreciate the fact that she isn't like, "Limerence is bad! It's toxic! Stop it now!" She acknowledges how, although usually maladaptive, it's a comfort for some people and it takes conscious effort to decide I don't want to continue with this untrue story in my head
After 80 hours of tarot card readings this became the most helpful thing I've watched to get thru my tough time 😆
oooff i feel that! watching tarot videos just keeps feeding your fantasy and thus your limerence more and more..
@@asprr485 wow so true, that's me #sos
I commend you for your vulnerability with this. I think it will help others understand themselves better and hopefully release shame or self-judgment.
There's no shame in being wounded. Understanding opens the door to compassion and healing.
Please be gentle on yourself. You're a beautiful Soul and deserve your own empathy. Sending intentions for your wholeness and well-being.
@@rochellebroglen4155 thanks! Made me feel even better
Ok. This. Thank you for making me smile. So been here
One of my favorite quotes from Gone With The Wind (book not movie) is this: -Scarlett O'Hara, . "I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not." -
I wasn't familiar with the word "limerence" but I've often referenced this quote when I've caught myself doing it.
nice! what a great vid!
She was so limerenced with Ashley, whom was so wrong for her!! ❤️🩹🫤
great quote and really shows the meaning of this word!!! thanks for sharing
Wow my moms favorite movie, she passed on Easter I miss her thank you for mentioning that movie
Yes, i remember reading that (at age 15 or 16) and it seemed so wise to me even then. Didn't stop me from being in limerence later in my life though...
Limerence usually applies to the period *following* a failed or never-attained relationship. It can last for months or even years.
8 years now
6 years
15 years now 🤦🏻♀️
13 years 💀
12, 10 and 5? for different people and for different reasons here.
Send help. Please.
This has my head spinning. This video just made my entire life make sense. The last 10 years at least of my relationship with my husband has been him not living up to my fantasy and me resenting him and feeling hurt by it and him being so confused and frustrated why im hurt. I cannot remember the last time I was actually present in an intimate experience with him. I think I even do this with myself. Having these expectations and ideas of who I am or should be and being disappointed in myself for not living up to those standards. I honestly don't know if I have ever not been living in limerance.
Thank you so much for making this video.
Wow, you just added something I find eye opening - the notion that it's possible to be in limerance with oneself! Having illusions and expectations around one's own self, that could contribute to the same sorts of problems. Thank you! Now I've got more to think about! ❤
I literally came to the same realization in my own marriage and life and honestly this has been eye opening but also frightening to think that basically my whole life I lived in limerence.
This is not Limerence.
@@seanmachlan3282what is it then ?
@@ljubovv5610 It's an intense desire for someone else, and an equally intense desire to have those feelings reciprocated.
"You don't want a real connection..." Boom, absolutely true because that equals hurt, being shamed, being ridiculed, being laughed at...at least for most of us in our childhood. So, I think we all do awesome by allowing ourselves to see the reality of the nature. I feel so reliefed by just being honest and finally being able to say: I don't want to connect, it is not the other people around me. BTW, I have not met one person that is clear in their mind (from my perspective) and has a true, healthy relationship. All I see around me is frustration, pretending to be happy and that is that...
'A lot of what you see in others, exists in you.' I know this may sound shallow or narrow minded because I don't know you at all and I don't mean to judge you personally. But my therapist used to say that if you change yourself, the world around you begins to change. By that I mean truly undergoing a process of self-transformation for a good 2 weeks..
I have a overwhelming limerence for a person for almost 10 years ... literally thinking and imagining situations about him all the time without even real time talking to him. Thought I love him or crushing hard or literally going psycho. So tried meditation and practices to not to think about him . But Recently started talking to him , and now my emotions are going haywire -high and low... waiting for a reply from him like his prisoner . I can't even discuss it with someone, nobody taking it seriously. So starting to search about it myself. And here I am . Feeling more in control... happy to know about myself more ... evolving myself. Thank you ❤️ and thank you Universe for your guidance
best comment on here, im suffering the same way
You're real for sharing this. I hope you're making progress 🤍
Please use extreme caution in relation to this person you’re focused on. I developed an obsession with a man I met in a 12 Step meeting. I absolutely obsessed about him every waking moment for over a year. Then I actually got into a relationship with him. We married very quickly at HIS insistence. He turned out to be a malignant narcissist who destroyed me. It nearly killed me to separate from that trauma bond and now I have PTSD and my nervous system is entirely dysregulated. It’s SO easy to imbue another person with qualities they don’t actually possess. In other words, be VERY careful what you wish for.
Hello, thank you for sharing your story. I had similar obsession / limerence for someone during 15 years without really having opportunity to speak or interact with him. It was based only on some meetings when I had chance to see him. This obsession also lead me to start meditating. When I finally started to have some talks with him… i found myself disapointed and not having interest in him anymore. Everything was just my fantasy. So I encourage to to keep meditating and being in contact with your feelings and you will surely get out of that invisible prison! Good luck❤
Sex and love addicts Anonymous helps me with limerence!
Limerence is directly connected to a deep fear of real connection. I've struggled with it all my life but it wasn't until a few years back that I started recognizing this pattern. You explained in such an excellent, understandable way. It's a terrible way to experience life. Utterly terrible...
that it is 😞
I've had a crush for a year and a half and now i notice that every time i start to actually get close i go into limerence mode and im so excited now that i can be aware of this and i am so scared yikes
@@girlbossincorporated awareness makes a huge difference 🙏🏻👏🏻
@@oldtimesong i really want to love him
I fear nothing.
Dating apps and society's shift to interactions using technology is compounding limerence. It is (I believe) concreting this state of mind on one's subconscious in an unhealthy way.
"we are so trained to attach motive to people's behaviors" this hit home for me and my habit of obsessing over people I find attractive and attaching some fantasy motive to mundane interactions.
I feel it’s important to reference the book *“Love and Limerence”* by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, originally published in 1979. Dr. Tennov originally coined the term “limerence” after doing interviews and case studies with her undergraduate students about their experience of being in “love”. She came to realize that another term was needed to describe this very pervasive mental idealization and fabricated experience. It’s a classic, and the examples in the book are relevant today. It’s also quite easy to understand how our culture of social media and online interaction can exponentially feed this phenomenon.
A friend of mine recognized this tendency in me years ago and recommended the book. It changed my life. As an INFP, I’m aware of the effect, and have to remain alert for the signs and patterns that lead to limerent mental formations. Even after years of formal zen practice, I am humbled by my tendency to live out these romantic stories in my head.
In the book, I was most affected by the interviews with the “objects” of limerent attraction, and their reactions. Many were completely unaware of the limerent subject’s version of events, and some were even insulted by being objectified and idealized in this way. When we do not allow others to be their true selves, have honest human interaction, and be allowed to have a literal voice in the conversation, we diminish and disrespect them. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but we have to admit that the person we think we are madly and hopelessly in love with does not actually exist- and that the actual human being behind the illusion is often suffering for it.
Yessss so true.......I'm limerent to a person i met online almost a year ago and after that there wasn't a day I'm not obsessed about him....i tried so hard to there's no effect.... sometimes i think i should go and meet him irl for my limerence to fade away but it's not possible he stays too far and I'm small....ughh hate myself for this
What's an INFP?
@@frankG335 it’s one of the personalities from the meyers Briggs test. Introverted, n?, feeling, & perceiving
@@mansipawar5907 me too lovely - broke off this long distance relationship 3 years ago and still, still he lives in my head, “emotional mastrubation” nails it… I hate myself for it too.. never happened to me before, it’s not good to put anyone on a pedestal..
I've only experienced it once or twice in my life. It's rare. I've only ever met one person who was experiencing it for me (he was nervous, breathless talking to me, and his hands were shaking, etc - all the physiological stuff that happens to you in limerance, as opposed to just a "crush")
Even though him an I had a real connection, I loved projecting my core believes on to him - Wanting to believe that we love the same way or want the same things at a certain time in life. I had to realize that everyone has a different understanding of love and at what time they wanna reach certain milestones in the relationship or life in general. Limerance gives me the feeling of a safe future. I realized he always lived in the presence while I always lived in the future in my mind bc I need that assurance of safety. So we were living at the same time physically, but not really in our minds. How crazy is that?! Everyone has a different coping mechanism for them to „stay alive“. I mean that wasn‘t destructive for the two of us unless starting to put your own expectations on to someone who doesn‘t have the same vision as you. In that case only figuring things out together can help without starting to blame and judge him or her bc they dont meet your expectations at the time cuz we all have those and nobody is perfect. The question should be: Can we grow together?.
I have struggled with a 40+ year "thing" towards a former boyfriend. I didn't know what it was called. He dumped me when I was in college then a nice guy came along who wanted to marry me. I agreed because I did not want to be alone for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I could not shake the feelings I've had for the former guy and have hidden this emotional burden I've carried from my husband. I've suffered guilt for not loving my husband the way I should, and I have tried to act in a loving way towards him to my best ability.
Since discovering the concept of limerence, from this and other videos I've watched in the past month or so, I have started to heal from the former relationship because I see where my faulty thinking has taken me. I only wish I could have known about this a long time ago.
I hope you don’t feel alone. I did the same thing for 10 years to my husband, lucky for me the man I was in love with came back into my life and the person I imagined him to be was not reality and in an instant those feelings were gone.
You know now and you can heal now ❤
@@kimilsungthefirst6840 Heheheh
I've come to many realisations over the last year or two about myself and my past, and can't help feeling bitterness and regret about those years spent wasted or in a kind of delusion, but at the same time, if I accept that life is about learning about myself and the world around me, in some sense it becomes a comfort to know that I have grown enough to realise those false beliefs and mistakes. 'Therapy in a Nutshell' has a playlist about processing emotions which is useful for me.
@@AshzxQuidYT That is fortunate that you saw him again and were able to disconnect. I saw my former boyfriend with his wife in a shop about 12 years after our breakup. We spoke briefly but it hurt me to see him with his wife and she happened to be pregnant. He looked different then, but seeing him didn't help the limerence. Since I've watched the videos on limerence, I looked him up in social media and saw that he is a different political party from me and strangely enough, that helped! I thought, "I could never abide with a guy who has such an opposite view of life than I do!" Go figure. But really, the videos helped the most because they pointed out that the whole thing is based on a fantasy that is totally based on the past.
I think you're doing such a good thing - providing quality psychological content for free to so many people who need it but can't afford it.
She's more knowledgeable than most therapists tbh
This is the most uncomfortable, eye-opening and helpful video regarding relationships I've ever watched. Thank you so much, truly. I feel like this opened a pretty big portal in me.
From what I understand, Limerace is also associated with the idea of being drawn to a person who may powerfully resemble a parental or caretaker figure from the past who one develops a longing for. This longing may consist of many feelings, including a need for love, secure attachment, a redoing or undoing of childhood trauma, a chance to experience oneself in new ways, wishing to be re-parented, etc.
Literally everyone desires for this in some ways. It’s OK. Don’t let this be an all or nothing. You’re not a robot. You can and should desire a bit of a loving, *caring* (yes like a parent would care) relationship. It’s OKAY to want someone who can provide this for you, and for you to hopefully provide that for someone else too. The point is to not let it be the sole thing you’re looking for, but I bet from watching this video, you’ve convinced yourself you must eradicate this desire completely haven’t you?
Nah bullshit.
@@elck3Um, I think you're wrong in that.As adults were responsible for our own happiness and no other human can replace that parental care we may not have received as children. We can reparent ourselves and become securely attached, and expect from our partners a love that we now have for ourselves.Thats all we should expect.😊
omg thank you saying that 😭😭❤Ian thankful people like u exist who thinks getting love similar to a parent from one's partner isn't a crime.@@elck3
This is so relevant to me. This happens to me once in a while. Feels exactly like an addiction and when it's over I feel the withdrawals
Yes - same. I do the same and then have to find a new fantasy to fixate on (not so much romantic as I’m married) but some new thing I want to buy. The more pressure my day to day life gets the more I want to escape to my shopping fantasy world.
What exactly do u mean by withdrawals? could u name a few
@@Tiffany-ov2jfyou have intense longing for the person like you’re in agony because you miss them so much. You can feel suicidal. You can feel crazy. You feel anxious. You get depressed. I feel like this is why some turn into stalkers actually. It’s irrational. You’re wanting that next high of contact and touch etc like you can’t cope with life without this person you’re obsessed with
I feel like the energy of Limerence doesn't just apply to interest in a singular person romantically but also if you are like a fan of a musical artist or a new movie that you are excited to see in theaters. There were points where I would go to a concert (or movie) and just get so excited that I couldn't handle my own feelings and my excitement might even turn into an anxiety attack. I didn't know how to handle it but I realize that taking three deep breaths before and/or after the event could help me sort of ground and regulate myself and just appreciate it for a moment and then drop it. Appreciate while processing it and then letting it go. This video has helped me in more ways than one and I appreciate you taking the time to make these videos and give me pieces of answers to bettering my life
I feel like this helped me to unpack some unhealthy thoughts I was having, and also taught me how to truly appreciate my husband. I’m forever thinking - and saying - things like “thanks for always being there for me” and “thanks for making my life easier” when I should be saying “thanks for spending your morning making my meals for the day” and “thanks you for looking into my eyes while we talk over dinner.” Thank you for teaching me how to express gratitude concretely.
Well put. Am wondering if this is why I get so uncomfortable whenever my Mom tells me (frequently) that she loves me out of nowhere--while I realise I'm lucky to have a Mom who tells me this and doesn't attach conditions, it always feels random and emotionally manipulative and way too overwhelming in a desperate clinging way. Like she needs my daughterly love to validate her suffering. Given my druthers, I'd much rather she thank me or praise for specific things I've done and said.
@@pendafen7405well it could be manipulative, or could be genuine, I think it depends on her personality, and specific details.
@pendafen7405 Sounds like your mom loves you unconditionally. Therefore it’s not based on what you DO for her. Supposedly everyone wants to be loved for just for being who they are. Except you I guess. You need a reason. Interesting. I think that’s more of a you issue than your moms. She sounds healthy and loves you from what you described here.
Hay I am interested you can talk you me?
I am only ten minutes into this video and you are blowing my mind. This is so helpful. I’ve experienced limerence SO many times, since I was very, very young. It is almost like a drug to me. I think it has to do with early adverse childhood experiences; all my life, I’ve just been dying for someone to love me. Every time I indulged in limerence, the magic was over instantaneously once I realized the person I was idealizing reciprocated interest. It was all consuming, but it wasn’t even real. I want to let it go because now I am in a steady, trusting relationship with a man who truly loves me. He loves me, and I am learning to love myself so it is time to let this go. I’ve never cheated, but I have indulged in limerence during monogamous relationships and it is not fair to my partner. I love him so much and I am going to stop. This video is profoundly helpful, thank you.
gosh you have no idea how much I relate to you
Saaaame, and it gets especially dangerous if you happen to be in limerance with other people who are also prone to limerance. Too easy to turn into an emotional affair. At least now you have the awareness that it’s not “real” feelings & it will be easier to let the limerance go. I still am thankful to see a therapist every week even with my awareness of this concept, though.
So thankful I don't deal with this anymore. My experiences were very painful with this because it was a coping mechanism for so long. I came from a home that caused me so much trauma so the only way I could escape is imagining a kinder reality for myself that I could run to, but it often stifled my intuition when I would make friends or meet boyfriends in the past. Facing the reality that they didn't care as much as I wanted to believe they did really hurt. I started to heal when I realized this was actually an unhealthy coping mechanism that really just pushed people away and only caused me more pain. Also, I learned how to accept that I'm not entitled to receiving the love I wanted from them if they didn't want to give it. Love has to be mutual in order for it to work.
My heart broke the day my husband said to me that I fell in love with someone that doesn't exist. That I built this imaginary bubble of a world around me to protect myself from negativity... It's been a hard year since then. I'm working to ground myself in reality. I just learned about limerence this week and it explains so much. Thank you.
That sounds like something really difficult to deal with, Statia. I hope that you are able to heal and set yourself free from the trap of limerence, so that you can have real connection with your significant other for who he really is as a person 🙏❤
You should tell him he's lucky for that , because without the limerance, you likely wouldn't of fallen for him at all 😂😂😂😂 you chose to stick together all his best or potentially best parts and over looked the shitty ones 🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I actually want to be alone - so if I pick someone that I could never possibly reach then I won’t have to go through the process of having a real connection with this person”. Felt this to my core. Subconsciously I’m scared to be alone bc mentally I believe life can be easier with 2 ppl BUT in reality I’ve given so much to other people that my body literally says no, wait, pause when I’m starting to connect with someone genuinely. I’m learning to listen to my body and accept that I need some time alone
Ditto. I felt your comment deeply.
It's great to hear you're prioritizing your much needed alone time 💫
My mind is blown. You just described my issues. Nobody talks about this enough. It is very addictive, the mind tricks itself into thinking things. . It's validating to hear that it's not about sexual attraction, but about anxious attachment, though. For those of us that have experienced it, the limerance is a huge difference than having a crush or a real romantic connection. They have things in common but they are distinct.
"Real connections can only form only shared realities" I need this tattooed into my brain, and maybe somewhere visible in my body as well. I have just learned that I have been limerent all my life and that this way of interpreting reality might have been the central issue of a lot of my trauma with relationships. In the effort of practicing radical honesty: thank you for producing this video. I found it extremely valuable and it helped me understand a little bit more about myself.
This comment is so relatable to me, and yes, the video is extremely valuable compared to others who explained the topic. now, I make the slogan "real connection.. " as a poster and screensaver :)) I found myself in a stage of limerence quickly and in almost any "unreal relations" that I had. Sending hugs
How are you two feeling nowadays about this topic?
I would definitely not advocate a brain tattoo. That sounds way too invasive. Maybe just a sharpie message on your mirror?
@francookie It feels less intense, but I still have limerence behaviors and a lot of emotional dependence - especially with someone I have even the tiniest attraction to. But as it became more conscious I was able to revert some of those behaviors into something less demaging and more in tune with reality rather than my projection/interpretation of what's happening. Still a long way to go though... But baby steps!
whoa its me
You deserve a cash prize for this video. You’re so emotionally intelligent to analyze it to this depth. You have a gift and thank you for sharing your work and mind with the world. You have no idea how much this helps me understand myself better. You be in my prayers!
There is a button for such gratitude. Just under the video.
Spot on. She's great. Truly.
Understanding and Overcoming Limerence:
💡 Limerence is about being more attached to the idea of someone inside your head than to the actual person themselves.
😬 Limerence can prevent us from truly connecting with someone because we are unwilling to learn new things about them that may not align with our idealized version of them.
😍 Limerence prevents us from forming genuine connections with people, as we are only emotionally masturbating to the idea of them, using it to boost our own self-worth.
🚨 Recognizing the danger cues in our own minds and bodies that alert us to the fact that what we're feeling is limerence, not true connection, is the first step in getting over it.
🧠 Distinguishing between limerence and genuine sexual attraction requires grounding yourself in the present moment and noticing the feelings that arise in your body.
🌟 Prioritizing the fantasy version of someone over the reality of who they are can be unkind and prevent genuine connection and love.
💡 Understanding the function of limerence is crucial in order to overcome it and make a conscious choice to do something else instead.
💡 Using the tool of radical honesty can be revolutionary and extremely helpful in getting over limerence.
Building Genuine Connections:
😮 Focusing on our own experience and the feelings present in our body during sex is more important than worrying about what the other person is thinking of us.
🧱 The real connection can only be formed when two people show up in real-time, share their vulnerable experiences, and connect authentically, rather than putting someone on a pedestal.
🙌 Radical honesty encourages us to center ourselves in our own experiences, avoiding judgments and stories about others, and instead focusing on what happened and how it made us feel.
💡 Choosing genuine connections, despite the uncertainty, can bring immense benefits to our lives.
❤
Thank you so much!
Thank you ❤️ You helped me ❤️ I made SS to read before going to bed so that I could fall asleep in peace without thinking about my limerence object.
Most people ramble.
Not many tell deep truth.
These things you are saying are the 'elephant in the room', for me.
How did I ever miss it? How did I think about things my whole 67 years, but miss this.
Definitions and accuracy in language is in me, yet this need for radical honesty never occurred as such.
Thank you Heidi
I will put you on my pedistpool 😍
When I realized that indulging in limerent relationships (imagined ones in my head) prevent me from having real relationships, that was an alarming and enlightening moment. I knew I had to change. I had to start taking real brave actions in real life (and that's pretty scary because it can shatter the pretty fantasies!). Thanks for sharing more information about limerence. I learned a lot.
I think it can also help to start spending more time doing things you enjoy doing, like get some fun hobbies and let yourself enjoy it a lot. You won't need to live in fantasies as much if you actually enjoy your real life.
love this comment thanks for sharing. very insightful and needed to hear this!!!
What did you do to change?
Yes, I relate to this! As my overall life has become significantly more socially fulfilling ( I joined a dance fitness class just before Covid where I have met lots of really genuine people and new friendships), I am now keen to meet people in real life - pen pal style relationships and idealising emotionally unavailable people no longer does it for me.
For years, it did - and I wasn’t bothered, but now I’ve had some post - pandemic ‘almost relationships’ IRL (I have had long term real life relationships, but years ago), I am keen to get out there and meet people in person, and I find it incredulous how I chose to settle for fantasies and unreciprocated attraction before Covid, I barely recognise myself !
But it makes sense when I watch this and read the comments- it felt safer, and was a form of escapism. The more I put things in place to enjoy and improve the satisfaction in my life, the less I feel the need to do this 😊🙌
@@kittyticklehips me too!!
This is so true. My worst limerence episode was when I was truly sad and felt stuck in life.
I find that I've done this for my whole life. As a kid, I loved reading. Books, stories, whathaveyou. I learned pretty quick that relationships scared me (due to bad romantic attempts and experiences of rejection), so I found myself leaning more and more into literature. From reading published novels, to even writing my own short pieces. It's a drug. It's addictive. It's painful.
I idealize people, I "fall in love" with this version I've made up of them in my head and this has led to me being hurt over people who were never even going to be good for me anyway.
Me too. I always thought my rich fantasy life was a hallmark of being a writer. I actually wrote down my fantasies the last time I got caught up in this. My husband (my first experience with limerence) read my journal, thought it was all true & left me.
@@AcPh-nc3vz He left?? That's really sad. You couldn't convince him otherwise? It was just a book...
I think I am the same too… just over fantasise too much …
Wow. Every time you share your personal stories, what you’re saying connects so powerfully. You are such a great speaker. Thank you for everything you doo 🎵
For me, I think I like the safety that limerence offers me. My favourite way to indulge in this is to establish protracted, online or long-distance relationships with people. If we match on a dating app, I will avoid seeing them for as long as humanly possible - because I know, deep down, that any real, fallible human could not live up to my perfect fantasy of them. I also know that if they do spend time with me in real life, there's a chance that they might reject me - so it's best to just keep them at a distance, admire them, and then, if all communication eventually does stop at some point, you can just blame it on the distance instead of having to feel personal rejection. For me, I think limerence is a fear of the inherent discomfort of reality and some kind of manifestation of low self-esteem. It has kept me alone with my fantasies though and has stopped me from developing the skills needed to deal with the ups and downs of reality, or to actually build my self-esteem. I want to find my real, imperfect person who I can also be a real, imperfect person with.
Very insightful...sounds like you are ready to let it go...Sybil Francis PhD professor of psychology
Beautifully written!
@@exhibitjean Thank you
The person in your mind is real.
I hope you find that person.
@@latinaalma1947 Thank you, Sybil :) That means a lot, particularly coming from a professional like you!
Wow in tears when you said the part about not being fit enough or perfect enough to love. This video is pure gold and I do want to be vulnerable so I can connect. I believe it has come from my childhood and being not loved for my flaws. But we do deserve to be open and lived no matter how flawed
I think mine comes from not loving myself even though I have always been called beautiful, kind, etc. I always am limerent with someone who likes me but we cannot be together for whatever reason. My mood depends on a damn text from the person I am limerent with!
Vulnerability is a huge strength. We were trained to believe it was a weakness
Loose some weight, for yourself, exercise, eat healthy, be healthier. Then it will be much easier. You can do it, stop being self indulgent
I noticed in myself the constant fight against setting unrealistic expectations which I knew were unrealistic but still ended up feeling resentful when they weren't met. I had no idea how much there was to that.
This is like I've been looking at one piece of a puzzle and suddenly I can see a lot more pieces and begin to fit them together. That is incredibly useful.
Wow. So many glass walls are shattering right now for me. Half way through i started to weep with the grief of awareness and remorse. This process is the basement membrane of ALL my relationships. I see it in every single interaction I have in any personal arena. The saddest front is my own child. The scales of inauthentic loving are falling from eyes like sheets of colored glass layers. I had no idea there was a word for this concept. It changes everything about my self concept. Thank you for making this video and for your beautiful, transparent delivery and reveals about your own self awareness. Im deeply impressed by your level of insight for such a young woman. I wish I knew this 30 years ago.
The love and longing for that other is quite real. The rather huge problem is that this other is mostly a fantasy.
Thanks for such an honest comment.
You’re going to be ok ❤
Sending so much love to you ❤How vulnerable and difficult it must be to be in your position.
My glass walls are crumbling too! This explains so much of my life going back a few decades. It's never too late to grow.
This was such a great breakdown!!! I was obsessed with a guy I met last summer after one day! I created a fantasy version of him in my head and when he didn’t perform as I wanted or expected him to, I’d get upset. When I realized I was doing this, I sat him down and apologized for trying to change him and if I made him feel as though he wasn’t enough just the way he was. Now I hangout with him and it feels like a huge load has been removed. I truly enjoy the person that he is before me.
I wish I was brave enough to do this with my last guy. After researching attachment styles, limerence and my own issues I feel kinda bad.
She said no you're not good at all at loving that person on the pedestal why is her truth so brutal lol
@@Mermaid03_03 is it OK to sit them down and tell my girlfriend for example, that I’ve been seeing her in a way that made up in my mind, therefore, that’s where my anger and frustration comes from expecting her to be the girl that I met in the beginning who showed that they want to continue to get to know me, etc. but now she’s always busy and she’s in a crazy situation going through a divorce… I know it’s my choice because I want to continue to get to know her but sometimes I feel like she is being a little cold with me and it’s because I get mad that she “changed “in my mind
I can’t put into words how relieved and happy I am to finally have a name for this feeling I’ve had for someone for the past almost 20 years of my damn life. I thought I had gone crazy. 😅 Having a name will help me continue to heal in this lifetime. 😊 thank you for explaining it so well!
I always knew there was a major flaw in how I handled my romantic relationships and this just revealed it to me... im very loving, but I expect too much sometimes... thank you for explaining this concept. And thank you to RUclips for putting it on my feed...
This is groundbreaking for me! I have done this many times, with many people.
Fantastic! Thanks for making this more clear. I really like this quote:
Real connection can only form over shared realities.
This blew my mind. The concept of limerence, unspoken gratitude turning into expectation, sexual attraction being distinct from what the mind portrays, and connection being something that most of us fear despite saying it’s what we want are all things that I haven’t specifically considered before even though I have done a lot of internal work. I am happy I found your channel!
I’m still in limerence, buying into the twin flame story that ended up in more trauma and abandonment.
Going to watch this video today.
Feeling that TF journey pain myself; however, I now believe Limerance is the same thing as a Twin Flame, the person.
I also know now that my husband of 41 years began as Limerance. I have struggled with my fantasies about our relationship. Boo hiss.
What you said resonates. Thank you for sharing. 🙏🏽💫💕
Good for you to know. I also bought into that tf bogus for years.
It's keeping you just where you are. Stuck in this place, while escaping your real life and real love.
I want to commend your awareness as you look toward healing that. Brave!
Sadly many twin flame stories i find keep you stuck in limerence . As in my own previous experience
Those of us who had emotional neglect in our childhoods I think are prone to this.....unfortunately.
Yes! Bc we’re used to fantasising as a way of coping
Prob the most uncannily accurate description of what goes on inside me ive ever heard!
I wish this term was more commonly known. I’ve been limerant for 42 years but thought I was a freak because I’ve never seen anything written or said about it until now. This video was so so helpful and so well explained. Thanks you so much, so glad to know I’m not alone
This has been one of THE absolutely most valuable 30 minutes I’ve spent in my entire life. It puts the pieces of an over 40 year Limerent experiences of a girl together perfectly.
It's the thief of joy because our object of limerence is often unavailable people. And we close ourselves to possibilities of new real connections
No surprise seeing so many infp’s here. We love to overly romanticize/idealize situations and people and live in our heads. Reality proves to be a hard concept for dreamers like us. I’ve only recently discovered what limerence is and it has completely reshaped my entire outlook on my life of the past, present and, future. I thought I knew what love was, but now I’m sadly certain I’ve never truly felt it. I’ve just been experiencing my own selfish, self comforting delusions as a result of my anxious attachment and maladaptive daydreaming tendencies. It has been quite the soul crushing reality to realize this, but recognizing the fact is important for my personal growth.
My wish now is to not let these daydream fantasies of the limerent object take over, but rather to internalize, and believe all the things I imagine them telling me. For example I struggle with deep feelings of insecurity, so I often imagine them saying I’m beautiful and deserving of love. I now realize I do this because I truly am all of these good qualities, it’s just that it’s much easier and more comforting imagining it’s coming from someone else. But in actuality I shouldn’t need to hear it from anyone else.
It’s a matter of learning to love yourself without needing another person to tell you you’re deserving of this love. True love will come once you learn to love yourself. You’ll no longer be afraid of true connection or even rejection because you’ll know you can simply move on and still be secure of who you are.
I also wish to see the other person for who they really are. Deeply, truly and with the respect they deserve to be seen with. That’s the beauty of the human experience. To love people for who they really are. It’s much more beautiful and rewarding than assigning your own unrealistic fantasies onto them
Haha yes an infp myself !
infp checking in, I am now convinced that we are at least 80% the same person
Beautiful & humble response
Yap yap yap. Damn
She is reading me for filth… coming from a BPD. This is teaching me a lot. I realized I have been idealizing a version of my close friend and putting up expectations of him so high, not being mindful in the moment of what we are. Not in my body but in a fantasy. I need to ground myself more and appreciate the real moments we share. “I appreciate him for listening to me for 2 hours about my health issues”. Bam. I need to learn more about this
I discovered limerance in 2019 after my first terrible breakup. It's probably the thing I struggle with the most when meeting people, is idealizing them and then experiencing loss of (nothing). It's a pretty crummy emotion but I think the more you identify your boundaries and discover how varied people are it becomes harder to fall into the trap. It's easier to reconcile my limerance now because I know myself better and what is truly good for me.
This has been cathartic. I never had friends in highschool and very little romantic connection. By the end of college I became pretty well adjusted and sociable but that insecurity stuck with me and I believe this is the root of why limmerance has been and continues to be the only form of "love" I have experienced. It took me until now to realize this. Thank you for this.
It's hard bc I'm living with the person in question, one of several housemates on a program. They've been a good friend to me but that's it. And it's begun to dawn on me that there was something unfair in how I was idealizing them in my head and honestly treating them differently, doting on them, when they're just another person trying to exist in a new place, in a new job and is stuck with me for the next few months.
I already asked them out and they politely turned me down. It only dawned on me that this isn't normal, that I have some problem, when I was waiting for myself to move on and noticed something in my brain wouldn't let me.
Regardless I need to do what I can to resolve this. I want to be an honest friend to them and see them for how they are, not how I want them to be. I cannot think of a single flaw they have when that obviously can't be true.
Dating was not allowed growing up and also a taboo subject. But looking back I developed deep feelings for 3 crushes for years ( not over lapping) because I wasnt allowed to date, so I’d “love” then from afar, draw up fantasies of us as a couple . But I knew one of them liked me back.
This was my prayer answered. I have been living like this for my entire life. I even put my parents on this pedistal. The current man I never met IRL I put up so high over myself and told myself he is my soulmate. We have been chatting online for 7 months. Told him I almost lived him!!! You saved my life thank u
I went through the same thing, you're not alone.
I had a limerence for a colleague many, many years ago and unfortunately acted on it. It resulted in me rejecting my SO and almost destroyed our relationship. We broke up for a time and the focus of my limerance moved away. Once the spell was broken I realised what I had sacrificed for a fantasy - a real relationship. My SO and I reconciled and we have been married now for 12 years. I do still have phases of limerence - mostly people in the public eye now which is safer - when I’m in an uncertain place. I literally can’t get anything done when I’m in it because it’s all consuming of my cognitive functions. I do have OCD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (which I’ve been treated for) I also assume the dopamine hit I get from fantasising is related to my ADHD. This has been very helpful as I know what I’m dealing with - an enemy with a name is easier to fight, if you will.
This is so genius! Limerences are a result of wanting something that's missing in our lives, and wanting some hapless crush to fulfill that for us. I realized I was feeling empty and awful because I'm breaking away from my abusive family (who don't accept me for who I am), I badly want acceptance so I tried to get that from a guy I have a crush on and only met with indifference, and instead did the right thing which was to make plans with friends who genuinely truly love me and care about me and finally got what I needed.
I'd like to add: I feel attacked, lol! I am talked about in this video and I don't like it. But boy I needed to hear this.
🤠🤚🏿
Me too ..
Your points on sex and limerence were extremely well taken. I am (re-)exploring my sexuality at 24 after deciding that I identify with the spectrum of asexuality. At first, I accepted I was just not as interested in sex as I imagined most others to be. But then at some point I realized I think I lost touch with my sexuality after years of being insecure and attaching to whomever would show me attention, and I’m not so sure that I’m not interested in sex, but perhaps I just don’t know how to engage in sex in a way that I actually enjoy. Everytime I have sex, I end up just wanting it to be over. I am never calm when it comes to intimacy and therefore I KNOW I am not feeling sexual attraction, but I think the possibility is still there. Now to do the work of getting out of fantasy world and coming back to my reality…
this I literally me rn !!!!!!!!!!
I understand this, and I hope your journey has taken you to a good place
Extremely relatable, thank you for commenting
I had never heard this word before and it’s already helped me so much, just with the blast of truth and realization. Thank you ❤
I have an add-on. You said something along the lines of "if the person we are/have limerence about is not acting the way we expect towards us, we blame them". I actually have the opposite, I have extremely bad self esteem (to the point my psychiatrist had a hard time comprehending it), and when I pedestalize/idolize or as I now have learned, have limerence about someone, and then they fail to show me "perfect love" or whatever I expect of their behavior towards me, I don't get angry at them, I go "of course they did that, even angels like them can only tolerate me for so long" or something like that. So I turn it around at myself, and blame me for the imagined slight or dip in behavior towards me.
Same here. I also have a limerence for someone and when they did something that is not what I expected, I blame myself
yes, i understand you…same
Me too! I also blame myself
I had no idea what limerence meant until now. This video “randomly” came through my feed and the timing was absolutely divine. This was so well explained, and I just want to thank you for making this video. It has helped immensely. 🙏🏽💯
I prayed for help to get over my complex and this showed up after a nap. Definitely divine.
right? same here. and i almost don’t even want to watch it because i know it’s going to make me feel some things 😭
it’s needed though!
My experience also. Very enlightening. Now to learn more about radical honesty…
Same here🙌🏼🙏🏼
Oh god. This is definitely me, and also a big part of why I avoid relationships. Not only do I know that I don’t actually want them, but I’m majorly afraid that they’ll be doing the same to me and I won’t measure up to the version of me in their head. It’s crazy how my mind has decided that someone being attracted to me is equivalent to them rejecting me
Holy cr*p! This video is SOOO ENLIGHTENING! The part I really connected with was the part about showing appreciation towards gestures/actions. For example: I have a pattern to even thank my friends (or SOs) when they give me a gift by saying "I see beyond the object. I appreciate the gesture of you thinking of me, spending your time, your money....etc" basically creating this entire story in my head on how they came up with the reasons for giving me the gift....when in reality, like Heidi is saying, they are just giving you the gift. Appreciate the object and the gesture for what it is.! But I tend to romanticize the gesture because that is how I want them to act towards me. Man, this is very eye opening!!!
This video explained things I've observed and lived, but had no words for. I was on the receiving end of someone's limerence, and he was the most loving, attentive guy, except it would frequently happen that he'd suddenly turn on me and tell me "you shouldn't behave like that", "you shouldn't use those words", "you shouldn't cut your hair", and the non-verbal ones were even worse: eg. I tinted my eyebrows once but it came out a little dark. No sweat, right? Except he took one look at me and turned away, unable to even look at me. His disappointment and real grief was so palpable, and he never talked about it, he just rejected me in this absolute, unexplained way, but we didn't break up. I remember so well having like an almost out of body experience every time we'd have an argument, because a few minutes in I'd suddenly realize, "he's not talking to me, he's talking to his ideal partner". Everything would be amazing, until I break the illusion by simply being myself. Then he'd gently but firmly bring me back in line, either in covert ways like emotional manipulation, or overt ways (arguments, threats, etc). I nearly lost myself in that relationship, because he was such a good, nice person and I genuinely loved him and wanted to please him.
Honestly, playing the devil's advocate, it seems like both of you were immature in some way. I mean, a more mature person would not have dated someone like that. But it's ok, in the end, we're all learning how to live, what to do and what matters
this is what's been plaguing me my entire life! I never knew it was a thing with its own name until half an hour ago 🙃, although I always suspected that my "crushes" were unhealthy obsessions, rather than something real. once I even spent three years in a relationship with a man only to figure out that I was in love with a fantasy of him that I'd created, whereas the real person was someone else completely. thank you so much for this video 🖤
What you're describing isn't Limerence.
@@seanmachlan3282you are commenting on so many responses from people without even explaining what limerence is from your perspective 😂😅
@@ljubovv5610 My reply is in the comments from 5 days ago.
@@ljubovv5610there are some currents of thought that say that you can't feel limerance if you're actually in a relationship with your "limerance object". I think that's what they mean.
@@seanmachlan3282What's your version of it,then? What makes you so superior?
This is so crazy because I do this but I’m at the point now where I do it on a very conscious level…I used to think I really loved these guys, but I’m at the point now where I’m aware enough to realize it’s not about the guy at all. It’s all about my fantasies and how the energy makes me feel. They’re just a mirror being held up to me. Nowdays, I will literally go out of my way to NOT have deep romantic conversations with these men. When they try to talk to me, ask me out etc I will almost get turned off (?) or something or do something to sabotage it. Its weird tho, because I actually have had real relationships. Very deep and loving relationships, so I am capable. But these limerant objects I have are like my own little secret. It’s the teenage girl that’s still deep within me that wants to feel that heart racing longing and excitement for a guy without all the drama and headache. I look at it now as fun and not to be taken seriously. So in a way I’ve tamed my limerance to where I no longer expect an outcome, I don’t even WANT an outcome anymore. It’s this fun fantasy that belongs to me and only me. The guy is just a template I use to trigger those fantasies-Like reading a romance novel-It keeps my day from being stale and boring. It keeps my energy up. It keeps my mind occupied so I don’t have to ruminate on some really depressing sheeit…It’s just a game inside my mind and there it stays…Does that make sense to anyone else? Lol
It really does makes sense and I feel I reached a similar point in my life as well.
Limerance has been part of my life ever since I was a kid, and recently realized that I do not have feelings or a genuine intention to get to know the guys I'm in Limerence with, I just love experiencing the feeling of what means to like someone and all the excitement around it, I think I'm addicted to it to the point that feeding the feeling just a little is enough for me to not long for a relationship with them anymore, this also because I had a situation with a guy I was in Limerence with that made me snap back to reality and see things alot more clearly, so now it is easier for me to diferentiate a genuine interest from Limerence, I can control my feelings alot better and prevent myself from being completly sucked in to this fantasy world. it definitely feels alot more empowering now than it was before since I am in control.
@@aperson7210 OMG exactly…you are literally *me* rn 😂😂😂 Just in the last couple of years have I really done enough self work and introspection that I realized all of this. I used to really think I was in love with these guys and wanted it to work out. But again, every time they’d actually reach out to me and try to make it more romantic I’d take a giant leap back. I realized that these limerant “crushes” felt different than when I really like a guy and want to have a real relationship with him. The limerance feels more anxious, more all consuming and fantastical; and it’s usually with men that I know deep down (for whatever reason) wouldn’t make a good partnership with me long term. Now that I know that, I’m able to step back and see it all for the fantasy that it is (and like you said, that’s actually very self empowering vs the sense of powerlessness I felt before when I was in limerance). But yea, I love the rush it gives me, it is like an addiction…and funny enough, that rush of excitement and attraction actually makes me more desirable to other men because they sense all of this wild energy within me. And I really am looking for a real man to have a real relationship with, but now I know the difference, and in the meantime having my little fantasy crushes are fun…But like any addiction you have to not let it consume you in a negative way. So now that I’m more aware, I can just bask in the excitement of it all without taking it too seriously. Before it felt like a curse, now it feels more like a gift lol. It’s funny how the more you know, the more your perspective can change for the better.
Yes, it does make a lot of sense. I made a girl at the grocery store my limerant little sister, who grew to become my entire world. One year after she had quit, I dug up her name and wrote her a letter where I asked if she wanted to let me see her as my little sister a few times a year. It was pretty much explicitly so I could have her as daydream fodder for all the other days of the year.
I cut myself some slack for the whole ordeal because I don't have any family. And also because I really needed something good to believe in when the lockdowns hit. It was a price that had to be paid.
@@whitneyangelie3682 Sounds a lot like me too. Deep down I know the guy I have been limerent with would not be good for me.I have had limerence with a few different guys since I was 13. The last guy has been 15 years and he would not make a good partner.
My entire life my happiness would depend on if I heard from the person I was limerent or not! Even as a teen if the guy I liked smiled at me it would make my week! If he ignored me I would be in a state of depression.
I hate it so much I wish I were dead but would not do that to my family.
At least I know it is a fantasy and not love.
@@lf9341 I totally get where you’re coming from….and 15 years?! Wow that’s a lonnggg time! I know it can be discouraging but maybe if you try to look at it from a new perspective (like I was talking about) it will relieve some of the frustration and depression you’re going through. If you just keep them as your own personal fantasy while still keeping yourself open to *real* possibilities I bet you’ll feel better. You don’t want these limerant objects to become so all consuming that you’re not opening yourself up to any other potential love that could be coming your way, you know? You deserve better than that!
I really don’t know where so much wisdom is coming from at your age, but thank you for sharing this. It makes a lot much clearer !
Brother! This vid was SO IMPORTANT! You are not alone!
Years ago when I first listened to The Spoils by Massive Attack, it felt like a slap in my face. I realized I idealised the person I liked in a similar way to the point they no longer resembled their actual self. I had a different relationship with them in my mind. Another reality. The more it kept going, the less they resembled their actual self. But I just kept getting in love with that version more and more and found myself mixing nonexistent fake memories I had with them with actual ones. Then I became anxious, and angry. Resented. For seeing they were not treating me the way they did in my mind. I just fell in love with a fantasy. I do this pretty much with everyone, sometimes even with social media figures, actors and characters etc. In those scenerios, I find myself taken care of by the person. I find myself in a place where I believe I can be loved. I feel needed. I find myself in scenerios where I am told that I am not a burden and it is okay to feel what I feel by a specifically kind and nurturing character or person from real life or such media. Is it the mind's own way of reassuring itself by telling itself what it already knows via another person's image? Maybe, idk. After all, I am in control of the fantasy. Maybe I just happen to think about those things and fantasize because that's what I need deep down.
This was really eye opening for me. I remember talking to my partner about putting one another on a pedestal and discussing how unfair it was to do that to each other. But we didn't have a word for it. But now it's easier to recognize limerence when it's happening because I can communicate it.
This actually has given me a lot of clarity. I was neglected by my mother who was a drug addict and I've been trying to close that childhood wound for so long now. Limerence for me can also be platonic too. I had a teacher who I looked up to a lot. I constantly wanted to impress him because he showed appreciation for me. My limerence was platonic but I also did idealize him. So when he ended up assigning another new student to my original role and shifting me into a role I wasn't fond of it removed that idealization of him being that replacement for my mother who never gave me the support I needed.
I became quietly resentful of him but also extremely angry and jealous of the student who replaced me. This gives me so much clarity thank you.
Its awful when we experience these intense emotions and know cognitively they are exaggerated and not rational but we can’t stop feeling them.
I just want to say that this video was a major moment in my recovery from limerence. It helped me have an important breakthrough by forcing me to interrogate the story I told myself about me and my LO and the actual reality. I would not be where I am today without this video. Thank you for making it. I hope it helps many more people heal, recover, and take back their lives.
I recently hit a type of rock bottom from my limerence. I'm almost 39 years old and finally ready to let it go. Videos like this channel and also crapoy childhood fairy and John Bradshaw are very helpful. Thank you for being the voice of reason I so needed all my life.
How’s it going now?
Oof. I just realized I DO have a choice in what I follow, fantasy or accepting people for who they are. I felt like being tossed around by limerance and until now I was actually waiting for a new limerance object to appear in my life. I feel like I want to experience reality more, but it is haaaard :(
THANK YOU for making this video!!
I think every person on earth should watch this video 😄 holy cow, what a game changer. This not only explains perceived “romantic” obsessions I’ve had, which have been really troubling since I’m married, but it also even helped me realize how I’m limerent toward my parents (and siblings and friends etc), wanting them to really be the version of them that I’ve made up in my head.
Why is this not talked about more?? I majored in psychology in my undergrad and never once heard about this or even the term limerence.
Heidi-this is without a doubt the most important part of my experience I need to recognise. Thank you. I appreciate the time 🕰️ you took to share this information
It's not just girls that do this, guys do it too, I was just writing from my experience.
I wrote a limerick to go with the video:
Oh, so it's like a limerick, you make it up in your head:
One night I went out to dance and
surprisingly found a romance.
He swooned, complimented
I saw the love I'd lamented.
But didn't know it was limerance.
I closed my eyes and made what's missing.
Never seeing the snake that's hissing
My ears were shut tight
I gave up my sight
If only I was focused and listening.
I wanted my life to be like a song
Imagining what I wanted all along
After too much spent time,
I looked in my mind
And saw that got it all wrong.
I gave away my time, attention and needs.
Doing all manner of pleasing deeds
But what I got back felt like a heart attack
Limerance surely misleads.
I forgot about who he was being
When my mind I should have been freeing
I pretended he cared
When I should have been scared.
But the limerence had kept me from seeing.
I thought a hand he would lend
for myself I would not have to fend
But I was the one
who had no fun
I learned only to lean and bend.
I anticipated our endeavor
Picturing our future together.
When I awoke from my fog
Like being hit in the head with a log
I saw instead of now, it was never.
Limerance is ignorance fancifuly chosen.
Like a mannequin my man i'm posin'
But when I awake, I see its all fake
and just a dream I created while dozin'
So many of us girls are pretend able.
That the guys we are with are dependable.
We lie to ourselves about our find
Put the real guy on the shelves of our mind
In hopes that the loss will be mendable.
I thought I was going to win.
My head started to spin
Lies of deception
My minds conception.
When I needed to look within.
Know that good ones exist
With patience you must persist.
Don't close your eyes
or tell yourself lies
On reality you must insist!
Don't be a lazy git
Or dramatically throw a fit
what you are looking for true
is surely looking for you
You gotta be it to see it.
So don't just hop into bed
With the story you hold in your head
To reality stay true
Or Limerance fools you
Call a trusted friend instead.
Do not pretend and conceal
It may seem too hard to deal
But stay in the present
Even if it's unpleasant
And the best outcomes will reveal. ❤
Nice poem!
@@msgirl01
Thanks 😊
@@msgirl01
Thank you! 💖
Awesome!!!
@@tiaturnbullchampionscoachi9587 It indeed happens to men as well. 7 different times for myself.
Wow, that just blew up my mind several times in a row. Yes, sign me up; I'm ready to work on this (remarkable timing actually). Which means I'm going to listen to it again RIGHT NOW and likely again tomorrow and then as many times as I need to until I actually catch all the things I need (maybe one at a time) and hold them long enough to try to weave them into my being. Seriously...so many things rolled into this video and so much good information/inspiration. I'm relieved that you want to do more on this topic, because I want more on it, too. Whew. Okay, time to press "play" again...
Before I go... Heidi, I appreciate that you made this video and made it available here where I watched it, because the things you say in it have prompted many useful thoughts that I did not already have on my own, and that are helpfully relevant to the growth work I'm doing right now. Thank you.
This was an amazing vid! I'm projecting feelings onto you just from your comment! LOL! This is a vid I need to watch and take notes and watch again a few times!
This video's mentally saved my life. You also remind me of my therapist in some way.
My understanding by the end of the video:
While a lot of us want 'real' connections, we haven't a bit of idea what a real connection is and when we're all busy fantasizing and obsessing over a person's imagined traits instead of their actual selves, this leaves no room for their true authentic selves, the moment you place them on a pedestal using a blank canvas, you also remove the chances of forming a real connection with that person which would actually require you to be vulnerable and authentic, both of the things that you aren't able to be because you're too busy plotting a storyline with this person wherein you yourself are also an idealized version and you can't face your true self, let alone have someone see it vulnerably.
"The limerent person doesn't want a real connection, they want their limerent object to act the way they imagined them to be." Thank you Heidi.
My limerent subject is a big alpha male, attractive for his confidence and authority, but married. My beloved mate died of Alzheimer's. I’ve felt over-responsible, over-burdened, lonely and vulnerable for six years now. This guy's help made me feel protected and cared for. I’m clearly yearning to feel that again. What intensified my longing was, he clearly enjoyed my gratitude. I wondered if his wife doesn’t express enough appreciation for him. Anyway I was grateful and expressed it verbally and ethically - no seduction. I've got enough pain without getting sexual with a married man.
When I move my idealized "him" from a place above -- the position of a guardian -- to somewhere alongside me (a regular human with fatigue, uncertainty and limitations), his overwhelming presence in my mind shrinks and becomes more manageable.
And my self respect returns, along with the painful awareness of feeling alone and unprotected.
Realizing the above left me sobbing. I wanted so much to be a serene, self-sufficient single woman. I don't know if I'll ever be that. Even if I build my own safety, I’ll still probably want a steady man in my life.
Limerence protects me from this frightened, lonely feeling. And it's a signal to me that I need to become even more aware of good decisions for myself. I'm the only one who can. Emotional sobriety, as I call it, feels lonely but I need to trust myself in the real world, and even better, enjoy it. Thank you for the clarity you provide here.
Wow. The part about appreciating the act in the moment and moving on is so key!!! They don’t owe you a continuation.
The way you say genuine, I immediately began saying, "jump on it, just do it, ride it, my pony."
Great video. Never knew this word existed.
It took way too many comments to find this
I appreciate the non-judge mental view of what function does the limerence serve and where does it come from, which I think is key to changing anything. I think too often videos or articles about it frame things like “this is disordered and you need to get rid of it”, which gives an overall tone of shaming that I think keeps people stuck.
In the past my episodes eventually faded, but I’ve had one where I think what happened was actually mutual limerence, which threw me for quite a loop as I’d always known in the back of my mind “this is still a crush/fantasy”, except for when the mixture of real connection/fantasy was actually reciprocated, it became one of the most impactful (positively and negatively) connections of my entire life. I don’t judge myself or the other person ultimately, though. Life is tough and we may be growing at different paces and levels of awareness, but I know I am growing and I believe he is as well.
Wow! That explains SO much about me.
I love what you said about how Limerence is disrespectful of the other person because it doesn’t give them the space to exist.
I think that very few people would choose to harm someone if they knew they had a choice.
For me, fear is the lack of understanding and/or tools to effectively change the outcome of a situation.
This video gave me a tool that I can use to put my relationships into better perspective.
I owe some people a better version of myself to appreciate. (Apologies are meaningless unless you mean it, right?)
Super appreciate this video.
PS: I don’t use Twitter because the crap there is so much thicker than YT. I hope you’ll show up more here. 😁
Matt, are you also falling in "limerent" love with Heide and all the women who are posting amazing comments on here?!? Because I am! LOL!
After learning about limerence, I realized that I have never had a real connection with anyone romantically. Ever. I grieved over this, thinking about all my relationships and my marriages. But, I also was able to forgive myself because I honestly don't even really know what romantic love is and it isn't my fault.
same
I've been doing this ever since I started to get over the depression from my last relationship. Lots of scenarios keep going in my head and I feel horny and sad and loved as my thoughts change energy and when I'm back to reality there's a complete drop in emotions and everything feels so dry and cadaverous. Thanks for this video !
I've heard about this term a year ago and I've tried really, *really* hard to let go of my "object of limerence" . My friends and family kept telling me all the same stuff about how it's all just stories that I "imagined". I tried to "accept" that the "relationship was all in my head", but the more I tried, the more aggressive the tendency for fantasies and the more my feelings became intense. The more I tried, the more I felt horrible and confused like I was gaslighting myself. I was trying to convince myself that all the moments when I actually felt in my body that I was important and attractive to him were "projections of my brain" and it just made me feel weak, frightened, powerless and confused.
Now I don't feel this way all the time because I do believe we have subtle senses and we can actually perceive other people's emotions and intents. I no longer expect the guy to express his feelings towards me honestly. He hasn't been doing that before and he very likely won't be doing that ever again. But I still hold my belief that he is attracted to me in an intense confusing way although I don't think he is perfect in any way. I'm just done with gaslighting myself and I don't see any benefit in distrusting my own intelligence and perception just because someone else says that it's all just "stories in my head".
Interesting perspective. I definitely see these ideas as an extreme on one end. I wonder if you still feel the same way after so many months?
I can absolutely relate to this.