"Waking Up" Out of Romantic Obsession: How to Heal
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 20 окт 2022
- 🟢 Order My New Book, RE-REGULATED: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Come See Me In Person! Workshops in US, UK: bit.ly/49rzM0Z
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
Limerence -- unrequited love that's obsessive and consuming -- can seize your mind and control your emotions. What happens when you "wake up" and realize you feel embarrassed about how your obsession affected the person on whom you were lime rent, and everyone who witnessed your irrational behavior? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who hasn't yet shaken off a feeling of shame about past limerence toward someone still in her social circle.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com/CCF
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com/ccf
Be aware of what type of music you listen to, as (in my experience) this can re trigger you into fantasy land and almost this masochistic way of dwelling in the hurt and enjoying it because it’s somehow poetic to be limerent. Lots of limerent music out there!
Good point!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Very true, so much music promotes this really obsessive style of romantic attachment. Why? I don't know, maybe because it's intense and therefore makes for powerful art. Or maybe people who are sensitive enough to be artists are more likely to be deeply affected if and when they are neglected so there's a lot of artists with limerent tendencies. Or maybe for a different reason.
@@desaturated-firefox I know when I start to find "signs" in every love songs that "refer" to any current limerent object, it's a symptom of magical thinking and therefore a red flag.
This! I been listening to jazz music no words
Been there......
Limerence can be an addiction for people who are afraid of real relationships and distrustful of real people. It's a fantasy, so you can control every aspect of it instead of having it go wrong in a triggering way.
Well said, although I feel exposed 😅
This!!!
Me too. My 20's..age 23 was worst.
ouch😖. I feel attacked by your words
Good observation. That may be what every relationship is when a person is narcissistic. Its always fantasy. Everything is always an addiction. Interesting. Not that I havent been there though!!
Whenever I feel limerant I encourage myself to get to know the person better. Chances are, as I find out more, the limerance fades. I remind myself that I dont know the person well enough to have any real feelings.
I do the same. If you don’t get involved it goes away
This is why limerence is so appealing to us as a coping mechanism- we have total control over the fantasy, unlike in real, CPTSD riddled life. To me it was a soothing distraction that helped go on through life in general. (I'm the stealth mode type, never showed my obsession outwardly, at best my friends knew i had a soft spot for someone). To think of it as (maladaptive) daydreaming? Did it hinder my entire life? No, infact it made it bearable to prevail. As the romantic aspect surely i guess. I feel there is no place where lack of intimacy will not be scorned. I'm really puzzled if the "give it a try" thing people throw at you means I should have kept date-interaggation on people i truly wasn't into (that weren't my picks but showed interest). The fact/curse remains that I could never get that feeling i had while interacting with my LO). So that sucks.
I agree with you getting to know them helps hinder the disillusionment. Closure in some sense. The more removed the object more creative control. More barren hope.
Yes, they appear perfect for so many projected traits + talents. All projections. Waking from the self-delusion is painful + shattering. Ty
This is so true!! The quickest way to get out of it!!!
I’m the type that would even romanticize red flags and how I can change them with the “special love” they “never had”. Limerence is such a monster.
Someone once said that when you look back on something and think “I can’t believe I did that” or “I’m so embarrassed now “ etc. it’s a sign of growth.
So if I’m ever feeling embarrassed, I remind myself of the healing that’s taken place in order for me to see things from a different perspective and do my best to forgive myself.
Operating from a different level of awareness can be painful, but important to remember it’s also a part of moving forward.
♥️
love this. so true.
Terrific reframe 💕
Thanks. That was exactly what I need to hear!
For what it's worth, I'm all too familiar with that!
“One of the most courageous decision you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.” (Brigitte Nicole)
Love this
I'm so ashamed about my limerence... I feel like it makes me come off like a creep 😭... I just want to be free and not think about love or fantasize about relationships with people I barely know
Imagine having it for someone you meet every week. 💀
In my experience, I find that I’m only doing it to feel safe and okay about the unknown. It’s unfulfilled need within, you focus on understanding that, healing it and as you keep doing it you’ll find that your reminisce is declining and gone as you start to be able of actually opening up to real experiences. You can do it! Admitting it is the start.
I know the feeling. I dont want to feel like a weird but sometimes is easier meeting people is not easy
@@Schopenhauer69 or everyday at work....
@@-Siculus-Hort- I feel u... Good news: I've pretty much gotten over mine. I realized it was just lust and nothing more. That realization helped.
This is so close to home. Limerence was like a whole lifestyle lol. Its the only love I knew for so long. Over the last 8 years I have woken up to the reality of what i was doing and I felt embarrassed and ashamed. There are people that i pray never to run into lol. I think limerence is the only thing I have healed from so far. "So i got that going for me..." 😂
Thank you for sharing. I’ve felt so ashamed. Thought i was the only one being this stupid. I wasted 6 years in a fantasy. Waking up do feels hard…
you are not alone ♥️
Same..ugh 🫣🫣
How did you heal?
what is limerence?
A young guy down the street from me was totally enamored with a neighbor teen girl, starting in the mid 1970s, that lasted until he passed away in 2020. I couldn't believe he never moved on from his infatuation because she certainly did....marrying for the second time and seeing this young guy as nothing beyond a fleeting crush at age 16. Don't put your life on hold waiting for unrequited love to be reciprocated---sometimes it isn't and there's no chance it ever will be.
@msr111 Have you watched the video? The behavior is due to trauma. Nobody "chooses" to do so. It is heartbreaking and sad. I have been dealing with limerence and obsession for most of my life. I thought this is love. Chasing after somebody or putting my life on hold for somebody only to get your heart broken. I never experienced a real connection nor love. Maybe the guy you are writing about, he held on to a fantasy because the fantasy couldn't hurt him.
@@D07770 ......yes, his conduct was due to trauma: his dad's four marriages, three divorces, several changes of residence, indifferent stepmothers, stepsiblings who were jealous, substance addicted and/or criminal, and later being disinherited by his dad in response to relentless open hostility toward his fourth wife. Our family's unique dynamics lead us to our decisions to act/react in certain ways.
He was not a good guy....certainly not to me or much of anyone else. He was mentally messed up by the aforementioned, worsened by an emotionally needy, workaholic father who bought off his kids with material goods. This guy was grudge holding, suspicious, vindictive, two faced and couldn't keep his personal relationships intact. And, for a guy who preached personal responsibility, he sure did blame a lot going wrong in his adult life on others. He created his own problems, and obsessively pinning lifelong hope on a teenage girl to help "save" him was a monumentally foolish waste of time---obvious to all except him.
@@D07770 I haven't had trauma but Had limerance my entire life.
@@D07770not everyone has the same experience . Not all limerence is from trauma. Most media actually encourages it
@@lf9341 Have you heard of childhood emotional neglect? I believe limerence stems from that as well.
That part where you said you either fall for the unobtainable fantasy or settle for security with someone you don't love leaving you wondering just hit me hard.
Why cant you have security and love
Because deep inside we don’t feel don’t believe we are worthy of it
Interesting about it being like "waking up". I described it as being finally free of a curse, in my head. I feel like I can go back to being who I was before. Before I temporarily lost my mind lol.
Yes so accurate!
I describe it almost the same way, I say that I feel like I was possessed while I was in the limerence phase 🧟
Here is what I’ve found works: Just be 100% honest from the start, and every step along the way.
If you are looking for a FWB, just say so. They might be looking for the same thing.
If you are looking for a LTR or marriage (if it works out), then say that by the third date, before either catches real feelings, but not before it’s time to have the, “So, what are you looking for?” conversation.
Don’t have sex until you’ve had the expectations conversation! If you’re on a dating app, but that as one of your first lines!
If you both don’t want the same thing, for whatever reason, just be nice about it.
Maybe you make a great platonic friend. Maybe they can introduce you to someone they know who is looking for what you want; with they endorsement that, “they are honest and seem great, it’s just that we aren’t in the same place right now.”
Now, that’s a good endorsement.
Never obsess about another person. It’s not fair to them or you.
Wait. Be patient. A good match is worth waiting for, and will save a lot of hurt.
I like all of this period I definitely am a proponent of clarity, with one's self and with others.
Good, was going through this at one point
"Never obsess about another person." How to do that? I obssessed about her, but it wasn't intentional. I thought I just enjoyed time with her, but there grew very strong feelings. Your advice sounds great, but what does it mean practically? How can I not get obsessed by a girl I reguraly see?
“The amends is; not to keep having contact.” ❤
Poor child, what she needs more is to treat herself with kindness and respect... And the only person who is hurt and needs compassion is her. Those ppl will be ok, I don't think she caused them any harm, she was just vulnerable and didn't know any better. I believe that self-care, gentle tapping techniques and breathing will only help the recovery. Much love from a fellow ex-limerer😁. Also, Anna's hair is beautiful 😊
aaww this is beautiful, I needed this because I went through the exact same situation and I'm currently in the shame phase 🫣 thanks for sharing your thoughts ✨
I feel like dealing with shame is a big part of healing. It's kind of programed into us to deny certain kinds of feelings that are actually natural responses to not having our needs met in life. We repress but those feelings have to find expression until we figure out a healthy way to get what we need, which we can't do if we avoid dealing with negative emotions. Our brains will still want that fix.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
Perpetual Longing.
This is the heart of it.
Also being addicted to abandonment, betrayal, and the adrenaline rush crazy’s.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this video..Limerence happened a couple of times in my life and lasted longer than I care to admit. Yes, lots of shame and embarrassment about it and now I don’t entirely trust my feelings towards anyone. I feel like I need to be a recluse because most of my life I’ve been so codependent and didn’t realize it until recently. It helps to know there’s a term for this..I’ve been learning a lot of new terms the past few years! Thanks again for your work.
♥️
So glad the video was helpful! We're rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Mary, that is me to a 't'!
Me to, Mary.
I just want to thank you for opening my eyes to how traumatized I am and letting me know it is within my power to repair myself, that no one else is responsible for fixing me nor could they ever help me like I can help myself. Thank you, you probably saved my life, not from self harm but from dying lost, miserable and willing myself to die. It's a little more in depth than that but that's the gist of it. So thank you.
Welcome, we are so glad you found the Channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
These are my exact feelings. Thank you for educating me and snapping me out of the self-created dragon that was dragging me down. I am ashamed of the pain I have caused and trying to get my will to live back.
@@belvamckann9798 rooting for you
TV was my only " interaction " with other " normal" humans as a kid. [ grew up abused/neglected in isolated very rural area] Am guessing that TV contributes to limerance , this one way view of perfect looking plus perfect acting [ brave/ kind ect] people who we can love from afar and not be hurt.
Such a good point.
This!!!! My only source of love was from watching other ppl be loved on screen with perfect bodies and perfect lives
I’m always obsessed with someone. If it’s not them it will be someone else. I am never at peace. I can’t seem to deprogram my mind.
That's hard. Consider trying Anna's Daily Practice, it can help! bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Also check out Anna's other videos on limerance, if you haven't already.
Julie@TeamFairy
I don't think having a crush is anything to be embarrassed about... as long as you can hold on to reality and not freak the person out, _especially_ if they're with someone else. When you're ready for a real relationship, then you have to get out there and meet someone real, who's interested in you. Some people have been hurt so bad they may not get there. But being honest about your feelings and being rejected, that's your reality check. Finding out they're unavailable, reality check. If you've acted badly, apologize if they're willing to hear it and then move on. ❤️
The last 2 weeks I’ve been hit with so much embarrassment of things I’ve done while in limerence! It makes me cringe. I feel like I’m healing from limerence & NEVER want to be like that again. It’s like the self-awareness hit me & the shame flooded in but it really has helped me to not do it again & be aware if I start doing those things again.
Don't be embarrassed. I might have been totally there for like 5 years same person. We really were as genuine as we could be. I loved our moments.
I’ve woken up and it feels so peaceful. When I look back at my behavior from the past, I am appalled.
You’re not alone. Hoping you’ve found self compassion 🩷
@@cupcake0480 I’m back a year later and I have. These videos saved my life. Im not perfect.. I still have moments of limerence but im able to check in with my self. I let the thoughts come and go. I ground myself in reality and make sure I put myself first.
I thank the universe for leading me to this channel🙏
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and compassion with us!
Thanks for watching! So glad you found the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am in a similar situation but have so, so much anger. It's been over 2 years and it's so hard to get over it.
We understand and are sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Now I know what the term is that I've experienced: Limerence.
I'm coming to terms late in life to the neglect and various abuses I experienced all my life. I always feel distanced from other people and have rejected people who tried to chose me. Sometimes this might have been a good thing but looking back I never gave some truly decent people -and myself- a chance to have a relationship. I have been attracted to people who are unavailable for any number of reasons and while pretty good at hiding my interest, I have embarrassed myself a few times. When I think back to some of those times, whew, was I a weirdo
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I can feel the thoughts trying to kick it into gear. Its like all I have to do is try real hard and figure it out. Im not sure when it started but im glad to be able to have some control afterward. I hate being lost in the fantasy because I want to live life. I want to feel free and able to go places rather than trapped afraid and hiding out.
♥️ you've got this
Tons of shame from the past for stupid embarrassing shit I've done that has kept me up at nights for years on end wondering how I could be this dumb.
The one thing that has helped me forgive myself is realizing that I did not choose to be born on this planet and raised by the people and environments who raised me. I did not choose to have aspergers or MS or ADHD or hypoglycemia (all of which i do lol.) I did not choose to be born youngest of a very traumatized family each one dealing with their own traumas and passing them on to youngins. All these people while being extremely well meaning came across as rude and cold.
And knowing all this has helped me forgive everyone around me since they're going through the same too without ever having chosen this life. And that has made me so calm that I've lost any drive to do better lol
You haven't lost the drive, you're just recuperating after a long time of living in a state of constant crisis. You deserve the rest.
Amen
just that. Made me so calm I've lost any drive to do better.
Your comment was really interesting to me because we essentially learned the same lesson in literally opposite ways. There are a lot of spiritual traditions that teach that before being birthed to this world we are 100% aware of how our whole life will unfold. From that perspective I DID decide to come here as ME in my exact circumstances because it was necessary for my soul to learn and experience what it needs to in this lifetime. Both perspectives are helpful for self compassion in my opinion. Wishing you the best
For what it's worth, it's definitely not just you! It's not memories of other kids chasing or teasing me I've had to contend with.
I was severely abused for years by my mother and what I've noticed is I naturally see a pattern of women I get involved with also have severe developmental trauma, the other thing Ive observed is I tend to fall back into childhood survival behaviors the longer I'm involved, specifically pretending hiding and mirroring and use anger as some kind of boundary or keep people at bay, if the relationship ends I just start the cycle over with someone new.
When those on the twin flame journey finally wake up to the twin flame spell... it's like this too. lots of time "wasted" on the journey hoping for something under the guise of soul knowing.
The Best part is she never lost 😊her “adopted family”. ❤
At jobs and in relationships, when I felt shamed and embarrassed 😳 and ran away /ended things.
Good point :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I did this for years. I've never known it has a name. Thanks. Now I am know I am not just stupid but it is a condition that has its roots in childhood trauma.
You are not stupid, glad you found the channel :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes, me too. I love your content and listen a lot.
Ugh, spent a weekend with a man traveling through town. We didn’t even kiss. I can’t stop thinking about him, it was so fun and he was so nice. He went back home and I know it’s not realistic that we still talk, he may even have a girlfriend. It’s hard and I was praying for something to help, this video is the answer. Thank you again!
So glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching. -Calista@TeamFairy
Me too. You are not alone in this cringe limerant behavior. It's the unavailability of the guy that makes him attractive. Sometimes we make our own closure. Might be best not to go.back and apologize to these people. They have moved on.
♥️
I will always keep your wise words, "Sometimes we make our own closure." in my memory for the rest of my life. Thank you!
@@annarhudy185 someone told me that..or I read it somewhere...decades ago..when I moved away from my crush
Another great video! I wasn't creepy towards a LO person because they were always people I didn't know in person, but the people around me knew I was lost in my own world.
My parents thought it was just a phase I was going through as a teen, but I brought this to my mom's attention yesterday.
She said she doesn't know why I kept so much from
her then, and I shared how lonely and unheard I was. When I shared a struggle, I was dismissed most of the time as being dramatic, a hypochondriac, just doing things bc my friends did them.. 😔 But I was hurting, confused, and very very lonely.
I ended up in a world of limerence and had an LO I stuck with for 10 yrs! 😐😒
It all makes so much sense to me now.
My mom didn't have much to to say but that she's glad I'm working on myself...
But I'm glad to finally bring it her attention and be able to get it off my chest in a non angry setting.
The daily practice helps to ground and strengthen against that old habit of limerence that started as a teenager at school. It can pop up "they're the one" and I know well the tug of wanting a relationship and withdrawing at the mere sight of one. The realities of a relationship are hard work, but have their benefits. Limerence is a complete self absorbed fantasy world.
Agreed! The Daily Practice is a wonderfully grounding technique!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I struggled for so many years and once I started learning & studying this condition my healing journey grew well travelled. I'm feeling whole, feeling my feelings, being myself and strong.. it's still one day at a time.
Yes I began to get angry at anyone who called me or showrd up to my house. Ive missed gatherings just rather lay on the bed and wait to hear from the person I had this crush for.
Thank you for saying it’s easy to waste years in limerence. 12 years have gone by i a blink of the eye. Like 10 different limerent objects btw.
Wow I can't believe how much healing I experienced from watching this video. I wish I could have you as my therapist.
I learn alot more compassion with myself and others when I get to observe my coping methods when confronted with anxiety and confusion, it's not were I want to 'set up home' but I also want to have realistic expectations for myself and others for when life has a narrow, treacherous pathway to journey 😎
♥️
Beautiful message, Anna. Loved your memories about watching TV and grieving Princess Diana with your friends. For the letter writer, it sounds like as long as the limerent behavior is finished now, it's not a problem for anyone in the friend group, including the guy. Unrequited crushes happen, especially among young people. So many people have been there. As long as you're keeping good appropriate boundaries now and in the future, I think people will be happy to let it be water under the bridge. It sounds like they like you, want you to be happy and want you to stick around. Good job "waking up" and working on your healing!
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Fairy- I feel you haven’t really talked about limerance that only involves obsessive crushes (which is what I’ve struggled with since a child when I was abused). I would love if you made a video about this. I have a lovely partner of four years and I’m 23, however I develop crushes on people and who I crush on changes constantly. I will sit and fantasize about them constantly and it makes me feel terrible when I’m in a relationship. I’ve never cheated, but the constant fantasies make me feel like I basically do. I’d love a video on this. Thanks fairy for all of your hard work and dedication to this sensitive topic 💜
I like that you asked this. I have similar problems. However, they pretty much faded out as I aged and my relationship with my now husband grew. You said you had been in a relationship for 4 years now and that your 23. So you started being with each other at age 19. I was 15 when I started dating my nail husband. It is now around 20 years later. I didn't know this could have been due to abuse, I did have a habit of getting crushes crushes on lots of people even fictional characters. The crushes were More often emotional mental rather than physical. My husband is the only person I've ever been with. But I've had multitudes of crushes even while still being with him. But they felt different than how I felt for my husband. Like I had a longing, Or curiosity for them that just sparked me a bit. But I would have been fine without them. What really hit me with the difference, I really couldn't handle the thought of losing my husband. Even in my imaginations. Losing him felt like the equivalent of dying. And that feeling was stronger than any crush or longing for anyone else. It also helps that I feel repulsed by physical touch of anyone other than my husband. For example, I feel attracted to my husband, Energy wise physically emotionally mentally everything just pulls me towards him. I am obsessively in love with. Everyone else it feels like how magnets repel each other. Aside from my children my husband is the only person I feel comfortable touching me .
During our early years, I had an opportunity for one of my childhood crushes to kiss me. I avoided it I have natural loyalty to my boyfriend. But I wondered about it. It gave me butterflies. He had only ever been with my boyfriend so I was curious. I wasn't used to people paying attention to me, Or showing they liked me. I was aware of. I pretty much thought most people thought I was ugly. I know I was weird so I wasn't used to that kind of attention. was a thrill and I liked it but it also scared me. I told my boyfriend what happened I tell him everything. I'm not always sure if things are appropriate or if I do things right. I'm also not entirely sure I understand other people so I tell him everything. I asked him How would he feel if I let that guy kiss me. He told me he'd be OK with it but he'd feel very hurt. That hit me caught me like a knife right to my core. When I realized that my curiosity could hurt him. It was like a Subconscious impenetrable wall went up, So that even if I had the curiosities I would never act on it. The cost of me, Doing so could be the loss of the man I loved my soulmate. It would hurt him so when round about way it hurt me. It was so painful the thought of being a cause of pain to him.
I also had a dream Where I Cheated on him with a friend of mine. In the dream we kissed. But after this kiss there's this overwhelming feeling of guilt even in my dream, It made me realize that doing any kind of stuff I would regret it. And then I would have very vivid nightmares, Like end of the world, Communications down lava flowing down the streets. For some places Catching Fire, These dreams while I had them would feel real to me. What's odd is that it wasn't the world ending that had me freaking out in my dream. I was OK with the world ending. What I couldn't bear was that I was separated from my love, The end of the world and I couldn't get in contact with him to tell him I loved him. I couldn't bear being separated from him. I've often wake up uncontrollably sobbing from these nightmares.
My husband doesn't mind my fantasies, He knows I have a thing for Thor. He understands. I'd still rather sleep with him. The crushes are fun to think about, But I don't think I'd be happy with them in reality. In reality I have my husband, I am blessed to have him.
There was a Lot of struggles in the beginning. I had to learn to communicate more. I want a therapy for almost 10 years with a great therapist. Husband is a very patient man. He's never once yelled at me raised his voice. Most of the issues we had were from my side. Because I couldn't communicate my feelings. I had so much broken about me and he stayed buy me and grew with me. He's the only person I can truly be myself with, And not regret it after. He loves my whimsical nature, Gives me Myspace, And gives me comforting when I tell him I need it. We love seeing each other happy and making one another laugh. We don't really get into fights but we do have disagreements. But they are few and far and between. I have been with him going on 20 years we have 2 kids. And I am still crazy for him. I can appreciate the beauty of other human beings, But my attraction to them is no more than I am attracted to beautiful art in a museum, They're just I candy. My husband is the real Meal. I hope my metaphors Make sense. I don't know if my story will help but that's my experience. I hope you can find something useful to my story.
Just think, This crush too will pass. And then watch a monty python skit. Peace.
@@wimsylogic65 wow, I relate so much to your story. My obsessive crushes started as a kid with fictional characters in books and tv as well. And I really relate to your feelings of being repulsed by the idea of sleeping with others. I feel the exact same way. It’s like I’m so addicted to the fantasy, but any real life chance of living out these fantasies terrifies and disgusts me. Thank you so much for taking the time to write back so much. I really feel understood by your comment and I am so glad you’ve found some peace and awareness with your struggles. I’m also so glad you have a husband who loves you and supports you. It means everything. Thanks again 💜
@@ZinniaGulden Thank you I felt your story very relatible. Similar to a kindred spirit. When I read your story felt like I was reading something from a younger version of myself. I wish you peace, happiness and a meaningful life.
I encourage you to write Anna at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Could you please do a video for those of us traumatized by our early peers, rather than our parents?
And also SA done by our early peers. I don't know how to unpack it.
@Paul Gauthier .....I was bullied in high school 45 years ago and forced to drop out. I got my GED, went on to university several years later, graduating with honors, but am still embarrassed to admit this aspect of my school experience to most people. At times, I do still feel stigmatized by this failing and chastise myself for being too weak and powerless to stand up for myself. Please Stop Laughing at Me by Jodee Blanco is a memoir of bullying that might interest you.
Perhaps write in to Anna hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
The timing of this video is impeccable 🙏🏼
Long post ahead but sharing my experience and reading others’ is very comforting, I know for others as well // I’ve been reflecting on my connections and literally last night I realized how my limerence for ‘my first love’ (just turned 23 and this was 6 years ago, at 17) involved me weaponizing my feelings to make him stay - mostly out of pity for me all while being obviously creepy, delusional and obsessed.
It was a year long situationship with lots of trauma bonding. He did feed my delusions and evidently took advantage of how I bent over backwards for him and said many mean things I carried with me until last winter. Very hot and cold, because he did express liking and wanting to care for me. Given his own childhood I know his reasons to act the way he did but that doesn’t excuse him. But likewise my obsession for his attention and validation which made me try to coerce him into loving me and staying is explained by my CPTSD+OCD but it’s not excused! That’s emotional manipulation no matter the reason! Even if he did it back (and sometimes first)!
So I now see how I was also in the wrong. How limerence made me act like a bad person with no regard for his voice, prioritizing my fantasy which he made clear was not what he wanted. That’s disrespecting him as a person. I’m ashamed, gave myself the ick at the memory. I want to apologize to him, I honestly regret putting him through that especially at such a difficult age (being 17 is already intense as is with all the lack of psychological tools/emotional maturity and overload of hormones which didn’t help my limerence or his way of handling it). But given how I ended things (he spent months threatening su!c!d3 bc now he thought he loved me for real so I told his mom to take care of him and cut him off) I don’t know if he’ll want to hear from me.
Now all that’s left is to accept it, understand it and change, grow. I accept my immaturity at the time, the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment of who I was and I know the amend of not repeating this is closure enough even though part of me wants to make it explicitly clear to him that I admit I was wrong and he didn’t deserve to be dragged into that chaos (nobody does). I wish I could take back the harm I caused us but that’s the past, I can only change based on my growth from here for future encounters. I won’t reach out out of the blue to apologize, but if I ever see him around I will definitely apologize. I won’t linger in that apology thought though, I’ll continue to focus on how I connect and view relationships in general, it’s been a major north star in my healing journey. I’ve been reconnecting with friends this year and it’s been the purest love I didn’t properly appreciate at the time. When I’m done with this year of intense healing (been practicing abstinence, no dating and no situationships, focusing on my mental health and my life path), I’ll get back in the dating pool. I could do it now, I feel ready, but I have goals for myself I want to reach first and simply don’t feel like it. I’m not closed to ever building a healthy relationship based on real love, not shutting myself out forever, but all the introspection has been incredible and I’m merely starting my life again post-grad now.
Thank you for this, Anna. And thanks to all who read. Here’s to compassion for ourselves and not letting limerence rule us anymore. 🫂
Hear! Hear!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow how timely is THIS! I am trying to push myself out of limerence right now at this moment and your video really further helps me wake up.
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I saw this video 2x (once a year ago & again now.) Such great takeways: My favorite (& the most enlightening!) statements from Anna: "The energy of that unrequited love of a limerent object is very disturbing to your future partner & ALSO to THEIR current or FUTURE relationship." Wow...Also, "Limerence exists as a compensation for the inability to connect. The solution is to TRY to connect. Do it w/ppl who are super neutral i.e. 12-step" "When the right thing comes, it doesn't disrupt your stability but ADDS to your happiness." "We are here to learn to love." Thank you Anna. (These were worth highlighting & reiterating.)
Beautifully summarised ❤
One of the strongest drugs known to humankind, and that's why it works!
I didn't know there was a name for my obsessions. Thank you so much for this channel. It was the push I needed to heal
Your videos are so helpful. I only found you 3 weeks ago and have realised all these things on my own but have never been able to validate myself or feel okay about my CPTSD or the way I manage myself emotionally. Thank you for this direction. This guidance. This understanding. For over explaining. It’s so important for us. To me. ❤️
Welcome to this community!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your hair is just beautiful... and your videos have helped me so much! ❤
This is one of your best videos ever. Thanks to who wrote in.
Right on time as always Anna, thank you as always.🕊😌
I'm so glad I found this channel, because I just got my cptbs diagnosis this year and for the first time, I do therapy and see so many repetetiv patterns, that I break for the first time.
I feel like Jess, she discribes this feeling of guilt und shame and it isn't easy to get rid of it.
Sometimes I'm sad about the fact, that I was limited in my thoughts, but I got my eyes wide open and work on my cptbs wounds 😊
Send u strenght and empathy in ur journey, i’m on a similar cptsd healing journey too😊
I feel so happy to have found your videos! I'm 23 and this explains so much whst I've been going through since I started dating. It's funny because I used to really like this guy I had never talked to, I thought he was "the one" despite not knowing a single thing about him. I just felt this deep connection that someway somehow I had created in my head on my own. This happened several times to me, with several guys. Some of them I met and talked to, and they liked me, but the moment the showed interest in me I stopped liking them? And only liked them again when they were unavailable for me. This was so confusing. Now I realize that they were all an escape from my reality. My life lacks meaning and I didn't want to see that, and lived hoping that this image of the perfect man that I had in my head would come and save me from my misery. Luckily I found out what was happening, I am healing and I feel like I'm getting better and better
Omg!! I thought this was just me. I didn’t know there was a name for this and what I was doing was due to my trauma.
Thank you for this video. It lifts the veil so I can start my healing. ❤
I love this anna, thank you again for your clarity and kindness and directness, and endless encouragement
Thank you so much 🙂
-Cara@TeamFairy
Phew. There's a lot of healing to do. Thank you ♥️
Thank you so much great as usual. I learn from myself and own situation that I often cling to fantasies and tarot readings because I need to feel reassured before I go on another day or sleep and so on. The object of limerence gives me a bating on the shoulder and makes me feel safe about the unknown. But once you acknowledge that and truly but gently understand that unfulfilled need you know that you don’t wanna be put on drugs (limerence) and actually want to experience and live what ever you fantasizing about, you can handle the wait because you’re now more evolved emotionally and doesn’t let your fears stop you from actually experiencing life as it unfold and letting go of what have happened in the past. I can and you can.
I needed to hear this today
It was handy for me that my person of interest moved away. I have found over time ,and it may take more time than you'd like, but these feelings will dissipate, particularly if they have moved on completely. For me, the big cure was watching my adored adoring his "has-everything-he-needs-all-in-one-package-deal." The high of the attraction cooled off at that point. Now I see she has a fussy, grippy, trippy, odd, cold, hard-to-please, sneaky, loves his Harley more than her, pocher of deer and hearts to wake up to every day. And I get my sweet, non-judgment, love-bug cat. Life can come full circle. You don't have to stay stuck in the painful cycle of limerence.
As a child I was often abandoned and disregarded, neglected and abused, I have only really been loved by my late mother, and this guy knows that, so it really gets to me when calls me by the nickname she kept for me. I don't understand the intimacy of our relationship, and I do not think I ever will, how our eyes always meet even in a crowded room, drinking from the same bottles and cans, the stolen glances, the endless laughter and bickering, the deep and emotional conversations, the hugs, tickles, pinches and hand-holding. How can all of this mean nothing to him? Why are his hands always on me? Why does he care so much for where I go, and who I'm with? Sometimes I wonder that if I just looked a bit different, lost a bit more weight, wore a little more makeup, maybe, just maybe he would see me worthy, but I know that is not true. How do I stop these feelings for such a close friend that I practically see everyday?
The perfect storm--a childhood of emotional neglect, a current relationship that was so terrible and scary that I was looking for any possible escape, an ex who was willing to play along. Now I'm waking up from a nearly 5 year fever dream. I know it needs to end, but figuring out how to cut ties is hard for me. It has to happen though...this limerent relationship is destroying my peace.
We are rooting for you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you. I relate so much to all your vids. It has helped me to not feel alone.❤
So happy to hear that! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank for shedding light on this and giving it a name. I had been sexually abused as a child and brought up in a abusive family which has greatly damaged me. I am currently looking at your videos and subscribed to this channel and I am currently talking with counselor about the abuse I had suffered growing up. Thank you again I feel I have starting point to heal at 53.
Thank you for being a part of our community here and thank you for taking the time to comment. Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm going through this at the moment, and recognising it, I'm thankful I found this video right now.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Discovering I had been limerent for the past 8 months back in July, was both a relief, and a source of great shame. It was like the discovery of the fantasy bond was a snap back to reality in the fastest and most irrevocable way. I had just done something embarrassing right before I found out too. I haven’t seen this person since making the discovery. I just kinda ghosted everyone there
I sent for you a letter today
Finally did it
Good for you Anna,for showing how uncomfortable it feels to be obsessed on.its not good feeling to be objectified by someone,especially a stranger.i have a fear of strangers and am very avoidant towards them.
I agree.
shame is such an erosive emotion. it makes you disconnect. remember: you are not wrong, you did something wrong. talk about it with people that support you. shame is fought with empathy, it grows in secrecy.
ICU nurse, the Netherlands
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank YOU! look at how you are helping people ♥️ feel proud
I had a similar thing happen a few years ago. I started a new school, also for music actually, so it was a big change and some stress in the beginning with a mew city and county. There was a girl in my class who I started talking to about a month in and we started going out a bit. Sha had a boyfriend but didn't mention him until we had spent a night sleeping next to each other at her place. After that we started an affair that laster for about two and a half months. It ended and her boyfriend moved up to the new city we were studying in. Getting into this situation really ruined the whole three years if studying for me (along with covid ofc). I remember at the begining of the studies I was in such a good place and I was do excited and all, and then I ruined it all. This channel has really helped though:)
Glad that the channel is helping!
-Cara@TeamFairy
” كأنك بالانتباه تُطيلُ عمرَ الشيء وبالإشاحة، تسلبُهُ الخلود “
-علي عكور
❤🇪🇬🌹
Oh-Kay!!! This is such a LIGHTBULB moment!!!! I have this exact problem - limerance. I experience this complete obsession over and over for YEARS at a time!! I wondered why I was like that.
So glad you found the video! -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow thank you so much for this. This helps so much
So glad! -Calista@TeamFairy
I recently went no contact with my LO and I’ve been attending Codependents Anonymous meetings (CoDA) online. It’s been a massive help! Videos like these help too! ❤
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
🙌🏻🎉✊🏻 EXCELLENT idea! (the meetings)
Omgggg I need this video!! Thank you!!!!!
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for listening :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for your wisdom, so helpful.
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just had abit of a slip last night and contacted my ex who I’m limerent over. I’ve grown a lot and am aware of this weakness of mine and am making sure to be really compassionate with myself but I’m also soo grateful that this video popped up in my feed this morning 😊
Thank you!!
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It feels like noone is as good as him and I know its this condition making me like this. I have people that have been interested in me for years but I cant even consider talking to someone in that way other than this amazing man. 🤦🏾♀️
WOW...your channel has helped me so much to understand why i don't like anyone and i justify not dating with my spiritual beliefs but i feel then so ashamed to hold on to imposible unrequited situations.
You are in the right place. If you haven't already, try Daily Practice. It is a good tool to help with getting regulated. You can try it in the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you, gracias desde México
Been watching your videos awhile and it's been eye opening! I've been with unavailable guys my whole life. Taking crumbs. Feeling that's all I deserve. Now I'm realizing I'm emotionally unavailable also. I don't think I can find and have a healthy relationship. I have no idea how to. I'm fortunate that my children are in long term healthy relationships. My parents were neglectful, emotionally abusive and emotionally distant from me. Mother was an alcoholic and self absorbed and self centered.
We hope you'll try some techniques to change your perspective. This is a great free course bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy okay I'll give it a try! Thank you 💖
I've come to the belief that Limerance comes out in some of us who are living under the "trap" of a spouse who is on the NPD spectrum.
Shame is such a big deal, specially when you experience it during the limerence while still in contact with the object because you know what you are doing is wrong and you shouldn't but you do it anyway, and you feel double shame because you couldn't stop yourself. Most of all the work I put myself through is solely to heal from the soul-crushing shame i feel to the point of madness.
I blame my ignorance. If I had known everything I do now about this subject, life could have been so different.
When I became aware of my behavior I literally felt like I was insane,. How else can you define such bizarre obsessive behavior.? Wasted years for sure, but recovering feels fantastic
@@donpeace894 i felt insane too, and more retarded of all: i felt literally "cursed" lol
@@donpeace894any tips ?
@@apoenaabreu257can you explain some more about the person being a object
@@ADORABEL25 forgive yourself and just say that was in my past. It's over. Focus on today
It works and it stops the endless ruminating. I don't think about high school friends, people that betrayed me, questionable encounters none of it. I just tell myself that they are part of my past and move forward. It works and I have had some bad limerence.
"perfect storm to fall head over heels" Uggh!!! why why why
Did anyone else feel shivers down their spine when she said “eww” at 10:14? As if it were addressed directly to yourself? Or am I the only one who felt like that and feels deeply unsettled now?
(even though the person I unhealthily obsessed over in the past never needed to call the cops oO)
Whenever I get limerant, I learned to distance myself, do some self-care and start journaling, even doing voice memos…
Ask myself over and over what do I really know about this person, what do I really like about this person, is the feeling I have based on my idea of him? Or the reality of him? Had this happened recently again, and I hate that I do that. It’s embarrassing and it ruins relationships.
Those sound like good tools
Even limerence is too close for me. My body tenses up, alert, if i even think about someone maybe interested in me... I go back under my rock and do the daily practice.
Thanks to the daily practice i am now able to recognize this. I feel and experience as pain in my whole body the fear of not meeting the expectations, mine and others, on a that unconscious because disoziated level. It's paralysing. I am glad that i get some very short glimpses during meditation. And those are enough to get panic attacs. It feels like i have come myself to close. It's a way to go.... One little step at a time.
A writing buddy to read the stuff i have written down. That's way too far in my stress zone. My fears usually even hide themselfes from me.
Thank you for the video, i once had some limerence going on in my teens. I so feel it. The shame, the self judgement for the boundary crossing behaviours. I recognized after waking up. After this i settled for emotional unavailable and unpredictable chaotic partners. Maybe to avoid limerence and real closeness and expectations.
This resulted in me allowing a lot unhealthy painful boundary crossing without even noticing it. And lead to complete avoidance.
With the functional freeze mode i am normally in, i only act fear driven. In one railed, hard to correct direction. And i march on and on and function. Even if the direction does harm me.
Without fear that kicks me out of the exhaustion i am stuck, paralyzed.
Lack of orientation.
That's how I see parts of me now. I know it will change, it had changed so much since i do the daily practice.
One thing that's blocking me is, i don't feel able to face what i really am like and doing. I simply react on threats. Something is blocking areas out that would need my care. I don't get the whole picture. Plus.
My free capacity is like: i am capable of watering one plant at a time. But there is a thirsty forest inside me and no rain. I can't water them all. But i fear to be unworthy if i loose only one of them. They all feel like parts of me. i sence a lack of boundary's there 🤭
It keeps me a little activated all day and night long... I sleep, with an activation on a scale from zero: complete relaxed and calm, to ten: i loose it and experience some kind of breakdown, ... I sleep on a two, to sometimes a four. It's exhausting. And i don't see the way out. It's like i never have been out of survival.
This low capacity makes it impossible to gain my peace back. I fix one area, the next urgent, thirsty tree is calling that it dies and i let go of what i just did and rush over water it. Most of my strength is busy pushing away past trauma. To hold a little free space to handle the daily non negotiables. And i hustle around doing everything by my own. It's like i care for so many things to always be able to show a fitting image up to provide a safe space for my vulnerable and hurt self to hide in.
The Functional in functional freeze means, if i want to, i easily could grap those vulnerable parts by theyr ears and pull them to even the front line. I can't do this with others but I can dimm my emotions for myself to a level that allows me to endure really hard stuff. That's the freeze. And still i function, do what's necessary, the ear pulling. The saying yes to what upsets me for the greater peace. I guess i am a reframing master... but the toxic understanding one. But is this right? To sacreficed the parts of me who where sacreficed and instrumentalized as i was to little to go away from those who expected that by me? Cause they did it themselfes? Plus you framed scapegoating here and this sounds familiar. If something went wrong i have been the main cause. In Germany we have a old often used sentence. You are the blacksmith of your own luck. They twisted it into its your fault. This hardness, is this the Respectful protecting treatment i want to offer my child? Is it A way to gain a sense of me as a safe to be around person? ... No, So i don't do it. I just don't know how to do step sizes connecting with me, that support healing and growth. That don't overwhelm me into panic attacs. It's like all i know is full in, or hide. On or off. I am not good at seeing the in-between steps. My eyes are like glued on the goal, and then i wonder when i struggle and fall.
Is there a free resource to enable me to see the in-between steps a bit better? To go slower? To heal the wounded connection with myself? Could it help to accept that my fears and resentments go subterranean? To give the vulnerable parts of me more time and to hold the empty space for them,the empty paper?
Wow your imagery with watering the plants. That's a good explanation. Have been trying to put a picture to how I feel sometime, I think that fits. Thank you for sharing. I think in a way I understand feelings through imagery.
@Crappy Childhood Fairy
Thank you,
i will give it a try.
I tend to get limerance with peeps who are both available and show strong signs of being attracted to me. If I don't find them triggering, then dating is a possibility. Unfortunately, dating is a pretty effective cure for limerance, and, even if I'd otherwise really like the person, when the limerance fades all I'm left with is disgust
Sounds like avoidance strategy for insecure attachment and it’s something that can heal over time. Your body literally became poisoned by closeness before so it’s trying to protect you. (Like how people sometimes can’t eat a certain meal after bad food poisoning and the idea of eating sounds disgusting at first). But we die without food and we die without closeness eventually.
As an Indian guy who thought I am the only one in this entire world to be suffering from this Limerance thing and finding its not that rare at least makes me less embarrassed. Personally I feel there are some deep psychological issues that tend to make one go hardcore into limerance. Glad there is a channel that offers support.
I have no shame about how I am, neither am I pining or putting any hope in a holes. I'm doing good.
I needed this video so badly, I have fortunately healed a lot since my limerance. But I still feel that shame once in a while, I was really curious if I should say sorry to him...but now it just sounds like I should just leave it be. I am now happily married to someone else so that's a good thing. It's helps me a lot to know it isn't my fault...when though this lasted for years
I'm glad the advice resonated :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I read a quote from the late writer Merle Shainess, "Everyone keeps a suitcase by the door for the "Big One".
That’s actually beautiful in a way 😂❤
Does this mean for the one that they are meant to fall in love with?
Beautiful. Thank you. ❤
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
I woke up from this limerence recently and feel then same. It’s taken a lot of therapy but feels good to have made the decision to make healthy choices now.
Wow! min 4:04 and on: could you make a video going more in detail about this strange behavior we face where we feel attracted towards people who and almost because they aren't available and when we find people who we're attracted to but are available, then we don't feel so sure we like them that much anymore haha
Sounds funny but it's hurtful to the core!
I'm fighting this feeling right now. I'm a 64 year old male (married for 35 years) and have Limerence for a 32 year old woman at work. She is super friendly but there is nothing romantic going on. In my head, I can't stop thinking of her. Since seeing your videos, I have backed off, I try to avoid her, although we run into each other every day in and actually need to meet for work purposes several times a week. Very difficult to avoid her. Due to my age, I'm not going to resign from my workplace. On top of that, she lives around the corner from me and lately, i bump into her at the shopping centre. I always feel as if I have a knot in my gut and I lose sleep thinking about her. I would love to be able to know when this feeling ends. She must have noticed that I have backed off (or at least am trying to). She has a pshyc degree and I wonder if she knows what is actually happening. This certainly feels like I'm cheating!
I had Limunerance .And it took years years to feel less for him. It is much much better now. It is not totally gone but good thing is that I know now what kind of person he is and I don't have thee good feelings for him.for years I could not feel any feelings for others but it was even before him because of my parents and the people around them actually. It was not even is fault.
i loved being in limerence., plus i was also obsessed with morrissey, not good. thanks for this channel
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thanks for the help❤️
Always happy to help!
Nika@TeamFairy
Propriety and neutrality is key, it takes superhuman courage though if you're completely dysregulated. And when limerence breaks people can become scarily hateful as well,all without you doing nothing at all. I love LOVE Lady Diana too. She had bulimia and self harm, wasn't perfect and it made me feel seen too. Love you Anna. :) ❤
I developed ~horrible~ limerence the year after my mom passed. I was 16 and I knew it was never going to happen. I saw the item of that affection at the grocery store about a month ago for the first time in probably over a decade and I felt my neck cringe into my hips 😭 that limerence helped me survive as a vulnerable teen, dealing with grief and constant body image issues. But that was a lot lol.