It’s cruel when the object of your misguided affection leads you to believe they’re reciprocating when they’re not. It’s like they like the ego boost and they’re willing to flirt, but it’s not serious to them. That really messed me up.
The limerence is because when we were being neglected as children with alcoholic parents we looked to TV and movies to try to gain some insight because we had no one else to talk to and all they showed us was that if you loved the person to your utter end and destruction they would eventually come around and be saved by your love and you would most likely die in the process. The bittersweet love of a martyr for love.
Somehow I had enough sense as a very young child to avoid going down this path with my adoptive father. There was a tiny bit of limerence towards him, in that I wished he could kick his own alcoholism and surely someone who truly “needed” him sober (a vulnerable child) could inspire him to do so, but the illusion that I could have any influence over that was blown away pretty early on. Most of my limerence was saved for future unavailable men and boyfriends I couldn’t connect with due to my own issues and trauma.
Yeah, so many movies have this idea of setting your eyes on one person and pushing and pushing until they see that you're worthy of dating them, but it's not like that in real life, or it leads to bad situations. In my own experience, if you have to try and persuade someone to date you after they've pulled away, it's better to move on. I didn't understand this, and I lost an important friendship over it, which is what got me into this channel. I remember thinking of the end scene in the graduate where the main character, Ben, screams at a girl who's set to marry someone else and has her run off with him, and similar tropes, and thinking I needed to do something like that, some last ditch effort to get this girl to try to date me, but any efforts I made only pushed her away as a friend. The whole experience really kicked me into taking limerence seriously, but I wish I had just accepted the situation as it was and trusted things to unfold naturally, since we still would have been friends. Hindsight is 20/20. It was extremely difficult to let go even when it was clear that she wasn't that into me. Now when I meet someone attractive, I try to reframe it to mean that there are plenty of attractive people out there, I have options, and now I'm in a position to meet more of them with some changes in where I live and my lifestyle.
This channel is more effective than any therapist Ive ever been to. Im referring to Anna's ability to address/ analyze all the nuances of cptsd. I thought I was the only person suffering from limerence etc and never even heard the word until I saw this channel.
Anna has been a Godsend for all of the crazy in my life. I always felt like ppl just don't get me until I found her and the way she explains me almost every time I am floored.
Yes! Me too! I had never heard the word before either 😕 or had ever been given a clue 🤷🏽♀️ about what childhood ptsd was. Anna is awesome and I am so happy I found her ❤ ♥ Peace and Blessings to you
I agree as well..I feel like a lot of my therapists, especially when I was new to it, felt they had something to prove by telling me all the things that were wrong w/me while I was telling them certain things they requested! Anna listens, lets us talk without judgement, we KNOW and FEEL we are being heard - maybe truly for the first time with a lot of us...and that is a BIG thing. Not being able move on because we feel we aren't truly heard and our pain acknowledged, sometimes even believed- is such a big thing..and Anna is just F@!kin amazing! ( apologies for the chapter here..)
Therapists do not talk about Limerance and I'm not sure why. But a therapist has a degree. They are licensed. Coaches are not. They can make mistakes, are confused, and have therapists on their channels. A lot of them do this for business and making money. I'm not saying she is like this. She had this Limerance like me. But please don't forget about therapists. They are licensed to give advice by the state for a reason.
I also believe that limerence is a coping mechanism. It is when you're trying to relieve one anxiety with another. The fear underneath is the fear of losing control. I find sometimes that limerence does not happen randomly, it's an unconscious decision you take because you have no other tool to relieve anxiety about something else in your life. By obsessively thinking of someone, you don't leave space to deal with the real problem. So you make the other person a priority and the dominant issue which in fact he's not. Anna your videos are GOLD, thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I completely agree. I used to fill my waking hours fantasizing about unavailable men. And now I just see all the time I wasted! What kind of trance was I in all those years?
Limerence for me was not a choice; it was always randomly catching feelings for someone who was unlikely to return them, but not when I had more worries or anxiety than usual. Plus, moving on was difficult, even when I wanted to, though obviously I could choose to either move on in spite of the feelings, or wallow/revel in the fantasy. I think limerence is like a lot of other things, though, where not everyone does experience it in the same way. I don’t look at becoming limerent as a choice, even unconsciously - if that’s the case, do we choose who to be attracted to in other cases? I totally agree that limerence then often, if not always becomes a distraction from real issues, though.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel well, a decision conscious or unconscious in this case it's driven by an unhealed trauma. Maybe you were trying to relieve boredom and emptiness not anxiety or worry necessarily. I believe that people we are attracted to, have specific characteristics and they are not random choices. I do agree with you though that everyone experiences things in a different way and that is why it's important understand our own behavioural cycle.
I think people can have platonic limerence, too. Like they think they’re way closer to that classmate or coworker than they thought, only to find they didn’t get invited to the party. But if a person is very needy or shy, they can mistake a pleasant, fun conversation with the daily in-and-out of friendship
this, i think when i was younger i held limerance for my friends. it was not healthy - and put way too much pressure on them. in the end i just like, daniella, needed family and support which i did not have.
I have experienced platonic limerance with teachers in my youth and healing professionals as an adult. A doctor and a teacher both showed me love when I was really small and needed love, and they “created” the archetypal pattern for the people I end up in limerance with. I’m grateful for it happening only with people in those professions. It’s not everyone in those professions. Just certain personality types. I’m seeing a lot of others having this happen, which makes me sad. But I am grateful to know this is not as uncommon as I thought. I believe this comes from my grandmother and can be genetic. I want it to end with me.
I did a 3 days water fast with prayer to the Most High. Limerence gone. This my second limerence. Keep your heart,mind and soul to God/ Jesus christ. Works for me
I've found "limerrence" or crush addiction has been active since i was very very young like 7 or something. I hadn't put all this together and tthe fifty or so therapists throughout my life didn't touch on this at all! Anna thank you for the gold you so freely give!!!
Im 53 yrs old and never heard of limerence til now. I've also realized that I've had this since childhood. Searching and attaching to loving mother figures, and i still do this at 53. Ugh. I have a lot of work to do.☮
Dearest, dearest Anna.. it just now dawned to me that I have limerence. And now as I am realizing this… I believe that I felt a stone dropping from my heart. What an important realisation. It took me up to four years to realize this, but better late than never. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you give with so much clarity and love.
I was totally surprised about the story and it helped me to understand I'm not alone in this loneliness and abandonement... I'm from Ukraine also, I've been living in Berlin for the last half a year and I totally understand this girl... I lost my mother less than year ago and right now I have no feeling I'm secure in a new country without my friends and previous life. When I deeply fell for a guy from Tinder after only 3 weeks of knowing each other and my emotions and feelings got so intense that I litterally couldn't sleep and eat, I realized it's not a good timing for any dating apps or casual sex. Moreover this channel helped me to admit that casual sex is totally harmfull for my mental health. Now I only focus on providing myself financial and residental stability, trying to find my people and friends and when my anxious mind turns me back to my thoughts about being attached to somebody - I meditate, go to the gym and do everything to stop ruminating these unhealthy thoughts. It's really difficult but not impossible. Thank you for this priceless knowledge and your work!♥
I didn’t know what limerance was until I had gone through it a few times. Once I realized what it was I was done with it. It just felt like self created drama at that point that always ends in heartbreak.
I’ve recently just cleared one year sober from alcohol. Now, I’ve experienced this for the first time at 47, I’ve never felt so out of touch or control of myself ever before. I don’t wanna go through that again. My nervous system was a mess. Only swing this person 5 times in over a year. I created a whole future just over texting. This is so real !!! I had to search and search to figure this out and how to stop it. !! I’m at peace finally, so folks the feeling does go away if you do the work needed to come back to reality. ❤ thank you for your videos. !!
I live in berlin and the dating scene is horrible. Ghosting is the norm, most men just want to have sex, adultery is very common and lots of people say that they are in an "open relationship" but actually their partner doesnt know about that. It's wicked
I think that's the norm everywhere for people on dating website though. Grass is always greener. I could be wrong but it's like the housing market, I see every state/provinces/country complaining on the internet about how " things are so much more expensive here vs this other X place" But when you see this from litteraly everywhere you might wonder where is that magical other place where things are actually affordable 😅 . I think there is also a huge negativity biased online/virtually. There is a lot of good people out there but for people with cptsd our "good/fitting" people compass might be a bit wonky so we think everyone is mean or unavailable or awful. Plus there might be a much higher percentage of cptsd affected people than we realize , we just got to heal collectively and create new boundaries. That has to start on an individual basis . This channel is proof that one person healing can reach hundreds and millions of others ❤️ Just my observation and thoughts.
I hate to hear that’s the case. I never thought I’d be one to say it, but for me, once I stopped entertaining the idea of having a partner, I became so much happier! I find cultivating my inner awareness and growing that to be much more interesting and rewarding. I’ve taken a lot of self-imposed and culturally-imposed expectations off of my plate. I am genuinely happy this way. It’s not for everyone, I suppose. But it’s like a hidden gem in plain sight to me.
Porn addiction, Fans only, & onlines easy access to great, on demand sex meet ups for the same price as taking a woman out for the night & less work, A LOT less work to get a piece of pie than having to court (has snatched their souls, followed by the MGTOW movement (men going their own way) as well as having women friends as just friends unfortunately, especially since lockdown😢The only way this trend will change is to not have ez access but that will never happen=why would a man give up the great less complicated life for one woman who could ruin his life for the rest of his life?!!!
@@ruthbarnard6593 Same. I feel jaded because someone younger, more willing to put up with disrespect and shitty treatment will always come along and I think modern dating gives men easy access to sex, making them no longer want to court women or treat them well. A lot of people hate on Christianity, but I tell you, people were a lot less likely to have multiple partners if they thought they’d be going to he** for it. Just saying. I even envy people in dull marriages at this point, because at least they’re going through life with a dependable partner.
Dear Anna, Thanks so much for your videos; because of your insights on the things in people with `crappy childhoods` get into, especially limerence. Thanks to you I'm slowly untangling what I know is limerence, not mad love, for a man who's married and escaping from what sounds like a toxic marriage with one silly girl after another. This almost included me until very lately, when I began to really listen to your channel. I have my own brain now more and more and thanks to you I'm dodging a bullet, and instead of immediately becoming obsessed and throwing myself away for crumbs of hope, I'm trying to go forward and with my own life.
Daniella, you’re SO young! You can heal through this. Focus on good friends, work or education, and your health. I’m 45 and am just now learning these lessons.
Anna, I feel OCD also pays a role in limerance along with abuse from a parent bcos you find a person like your parent who rejects you so you keep trying to win their love.
Thanks to your videos and advice fairy, I stopped running after men who weren't on the same page. It feels relieving and empowering at the same time. I regained control over myself and stopped begging for crumbles
I'm from a very abusive background , on my own since 15 [ abandoned at an orphanage day I way born abused neglected ect] and I'm an artist , limerance has been soooo strong and devastating. All it takes is a guy to be attractive and pay me attention then ignore me and I fall hard ......yuck
try to use revision and tell a different story sometimes i tell this story too but ive been listening to sammy ingram and saying “ that never happened everyone is always so nice to me “
You know, Anna, I imagine you get this a lot, but for real, having read all sorts of stuff from Levine to Van der Kolk to Pema Chodron and so on, you really are such a down to earth guru about complex trauma. It reminds me how the best mentors and therapists and inspiring examples I've found on my healing journey have all had their times as socially outcast losers and confused lost souls along the way. Like me.
Another wow moment compliments of Anna. I experienced this once when I was separating from my husband. It was a low point, very stressful, and I fixated on a coworker who in retrospect, was completely emotionally unavailable. It was a completely platonic “crush” but he kept the flame burning without truly committing in any real way. This was so painful and took years to evaporate from my mind. So thankful my husband went to therapy and we are back together. Never saw it as limerance until today, as it is so out of character for me generally. TY
Yes my parents were alcoholics and I never knew what love was and I was used to toxicity so this makes a lot of sense and I’ve been working through this so I can get shift out of this
I recently started talking to this guy. We would see each other every weekend and act like a couple in public and in front of his friends. When we’re together he is sooo romantic and lovey dovey. It feels so magical. But during the week days he pulls away and doesn’t contact me. It’s weekend love only. This past week he seemed to be coming around more as we were talking a bit throughout the week and Thursday he called me to say he missed me and we locked in plans to see each other on Friday. Come Friday he stood me up. Ghosted me. I haven’t heard from him. I’m so confused on why a person would treat another this way and still convince themselves they are a decent human being. I think he was leading me on the entire time, or maybe I was so deep in my limerence that I couldn’t see the signs.
I couldn't possibly thank Anna for all the help she's provided to me. If you're reading this, you have changed my life, anna. About 4 months ago, I found your video randomly on my youtube page. And as I started delving into this entire issue, I was forced to confront how sad my life has been. Being from a brown family, we're never allowed to complain about anything, since our parents had everything worse, or so they say. It's only now I realise so much went wrong. And for these few months, I've been watching your videos and trying to accept and process so many things. This limerence issue was completely the ailment I was suffering from and I couldn't thank you enough for telling me the name of my demon. I've healed somewhat, and lo and behold, I've found someone that loves and cherishes me and takes care of me. I've learnt how to be happy with him, but more importantly I've also learnt that I have to put myself first in my life. You have been a blessing for me this year. As the year ends, I want to remind you that your effect on other people's lives is real and it's transformative. All my love goes out to you, anna.
I just know that a brave heart will gain strength. I’m so sorry for what happened to this young lady. But I also admire her for the courage to have had to leave her home and not just start a new life but forced to do so. Kiddo you are stronger then ya think... Love will find you when you least expect it.
It's the same with animals. In the sense that when you rescue an adult pet, it is very difficult to get them to trust and get close to other people. They never want to let you go.its not quite the same. But I find it sooo hard to move on from loss in relationships. Not quite limerance. But close...
You should do a video that gives tips on how to handle the depression that hits you after you grow out of your fantasies and realize how little people actually care about you lol.
I come from a family with alcoholism and I think I was scared of friendships because I thought they, too, would demand too much of me like my family did. I think I had limerence, too, because I was used to 'difficult' people. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the Crappy Childhood Fairy. I've done many therapies and they helped, too. Most of all, it was my Christian faith that helped raise my standards of behaviour and learn what love looks like.
Wow. I had an alcoholic father who left me and my brother and divorced my borderline/narc mother when I was 6 and my brother was 4. As a 55 year old adult woman with CPTSD, I can honestly say that I completely stopped dating almost 10 years ago because i absolutely experience limerence. The last man I dated only twice, but I liked him too much right away. I was so excited. He ghosted me after our second date and then started posting pictures of him and his new gf on Facebook. It took me almost two years to get over it. I was aware enough though to know that I needed to delete his number out of my phone immediately so that I could not text him. Thank goodness I deleted his number right away so I didn’t make a fool out of myself or put myself in a position to be rejected again. After that, I made a conscious decision not to date anymore. It’s just easier for me and I can live my life now instead of obsessing for no reason. Great video. Thank you!
i am sorry to ask, i am just very interested, have worked through any of your childhood trauma? i have the idea to take time to heal and abstain from romantic, emotional, etc relationships but 10 years seems excessive and it seems like you are still dealing with these issues anyway.
@@allysiren hi Ally. Oh yes. I spent decades of my life in therapy. I did many years of one-on-one therapy. I even tried group therapy. I did inner child healing work and even got to meet John Bradshaw. I even tried past life regression and soul retrieval work at one point. I did lots and lots of work to heal from the trauma that my two dysfunctional parents heaped upon me. But I grew up never feeling safe. Never feeling valued or important. Never feeling worthy of being loved or lovable. I never felt loved by my parents. My mother told me right to my face that she never wanted to have me. I never got to see or learn what a healthy loving adult relationship was like. Both of my parents each divorced twice, and they are both miserable people. I have scars that will never go away. I know my decision to stay alone is definitely not for everyone, but for me it’s just easier for my mental health and wellbeing. I can’t take the drama, the breadcrumbing, the ghosting, the game playing. I don’t like the person I become when I start obsessing over a man who acted like he really liked me and then ghosts me. The limerence takes over my mind and life. I’m too old for that baloney now. At least when I am alone I have peace. 🙏🏻
@@SDsearcher I feel similarly. Before I met my last boyfriend 7 years ago, I’d been happily single for the best part of 10 years and naively thought I’d somehow grown past the issues that caused me so much stress and anxiety while in romantic relationships. Unfortunately they showed up again, even worse! If you’re happier being single anyway, I think that’s a good enough place to be. Nobody is obligated to date just because others might think it strange not to. Dating sounds like hell, anyway, as you already described.
@@SDsearcher i 100% understand about the relationship. I can only tell you about my healing journey so far. I used to have a constant inner critic, which i shut down by not even allowing it space in my head, replacing it with kind thoughts about who i am- who my authentic self is. Being kind to myself and to others as well as not allowing anyone to harm me or myself to harm others. Forgiving self and others. BUT, forgetting about perfection. Allowing myself to make mistakes and forgiving myself and others each time. That is key too. Anyway, my progress has centered around cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) but i heard great things about dbt (diallectical behavioural therapy) I also tried reparenting, self soothing, so on but it is a constant, daily practice. A lot of attachment style, trying to make it secure. (but first practicing with myself/make my attachment to myself secure) then eventually my plan is to do it within relationships. And strong boundaries, how to set them, how to keep them, etc. So i know my past relationship i chose out of my unhealed self but as i heal, i hope i will be able to recognize others by the way they talk, the way they act, etc and choose a partner that embodies my same values once i heal. I agree i should stay single too for a while but i am also still hoping that i can eventually heal and have a loving, two sided, supportive, authentic relationship! Anyway, thank you for taking the time to answer me and being so open about your own journey. I am also very glad to read you have achieved inner peace and that you protect it too ♡ Sending you the best of wishes ~☆
When the object of limerence ups and marries you, it helps to bring the end of that addiction. When the object of limerence writes incredibly moving messages, albeit intermittently, the addiction is endless.
@@MaryamPirzada Yes, they are 2 different people, taking place 30 years apart. The current one purposefully created addiction. I haven’t allowed myself to meet another man until I can trust my own choices in who I am willing to interact with.
Yup that’s my LO. Kept coming back with words I hungered to hear from him. How does he know all my buttons to push. It’s been 25 years and I still get obsessed. 13 years since last contact and I still ponder and asked why?!! It’s crazy.
At 12 years old, i thought i was just boy crazy. I would think about my crush and daydream about him much more than a normal preteen. He was so popular and i was the total opposite. I look back and now realize it was limerance. My parents were not alcoholics. But my father was abusive to one of my siblings and my mother had a nervous breakdown when i was 8 years old and couldnt get out of bed for almost a year. That is traumatic for a little girl. I probably developed limerance at a young age as an escape.
This recently happened to me! I am married and we are going thru a rough patch and met someone I was in love with and almkst married years ago. We both must have been having our own issues and began to flirt. It just became a mess...and I WAS fixated and felt TOTALLY ALIVE. Now I am just working on my marriage.
I feel your RUclips videos are more affective than any therapist I’ve ever been too! Yesterday my therapist made a weird remark saying what if someone you cared about was in a swamp in February would you go? What does that have to do with anything? But no I wouldn’t go
Im 62 with a history of sugnificant childhood trauma . In the last Ive met 2 men Ive crushed on in both cases Ive been abandoned and ghosted . The obsessive thinking and craziness was just insane . Thankfully , Ive let go . Ghosting someone is regardless of their interest or disinterest is never OK . Have the backbone to tbh with people . Have the compassion to be clear with people .
When I read about why people get addicted to unavailable people it explained that the chase is what makes you addicted. The highs and lows give us those chemicals that makes us feel ecstatic when they give us attention and praise and then the drama of them disappearing and then appearing!
I've found it so very difficult meeting women friends in my fifties. I wish i could take your courses! Anna, thank you for all of your free videos it's like winning lotto for my soul! Thank you so much!
I am discovering the word " limerence" and its significance and it helps me very much . I am French and I don't know any word in French equivalent for the same thing. How words are important for healing !
I'm watching this video and thinking about that movie, "About a Boy", where the main character gets to the conclusion: 2 isn't enough! You need a community. One romantic relationship won't provide you with everything you need, and probably the romance won't survive either if its not supported by a safety net made out of friends and family.
There's also that song that says: "one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do; two can be as bad as one, its the loneliest number since the number one"
@@frankuvlkan dear Frank. I almost believed you for a second. But then I opened you're profile and saw that you write this exact same thing for many other woman, which I find a bit weird. What the fuck, man?
This is true, safety and support needs to come from a multitude of stable relationships like family and friends. I was married once and we travelled far from our home and gave up the family and friends, but it was unsustainable. Now I build relationships in community and one day romance will come again for me.
I don't care if a guy is trying not to hurt your feelings. Any guy that does this is a COWARD! He should just tell her that he's dating someone else and not leave her sitting on the shelf, ready to reel in when it doesn't work out with someone else. She deserves better than that. Not a quality guy, IMHO.
Yes, that only makes a person try to prove themselves stronger than the guy tells her she is=go and ignore your texts for months then, call u one night & talk for 5-6 hours, repeat=where the guy invests 1 bored breadcrumbing eve out of 365 eves a year & keeps her in limerance/on the shelf until he wants to play…
After my chihuahua died I fell for this guy I knew way before, and I knew it was the grief , but it took hold of me ,....since I was aware I couldn't trust those feelings I openly talked about it with him and asked him to block me , and erased his number and I'm glad I did that
I mean , we had a bit of a moment , I didn't see it coming cause I didn't think he saw me that way , but I gave into it because I was in such grief.....im just glad I was aware of my own weaknesses
When I realized I was hoping my realtor was viewing me as a potential girlfriend, he viewed me as a paycheck. Realizing I was hurt and resentful when older women didn’t nurture me- I was wanting them to be my Mommie! It was shocking but freeing at the same time.
I know that the topic is limerence, but being in a vulnerable and lost feeling, is the very time that an unscrupulous player can take advantage of the situation, and just take what you have to offer and then crush you much later. I think that she should take it as situation that did not work out, but luckily, it ended pretty soon in the game. When she understands that there may be times when the role is reversed, and to meet someone and after a few dates, she honestly knows that he is not for her, it will be easier to understand that this is the dance of life. He was nice to end it as soon as he did. One day, the love of her life will materialize.
I love these videos on limerence. They have helped me identify so many unhealthy behaviors in myself. And it can help us to have compassion for others who suffer with this. There is a client at my work who I used to engage with friendly conversation and also befriended his whole family. I know I also used to be a people pleaser....anyway, after just being his friend for a few months and which I thought was innocent, he started to ask me to ask to see me outside of work and behind his wife's back. He would also call me when I started my shift at work (I am an office admin and reception, so a part of my job was answering the phone) and talk to me. When I started to back off and make myself busy when he was around, at first he thought my boss told me not to engage with him. He is a client that contributes a lot of money to the business I work at, and when I would try to set boundaries with him, he would cancel some business and call my boss and say bad things about me. I was pretty shocked by this because I saw myself as just friends with his whole family. After things kind of settled down (there was some drama), it seems like he acts normal for months at a time, then looks for an opportunity to try to get my attention and or talk to me in private, and if I don’t give him the attention he wants, again he will pull back his business and complain about me. It is shocking that a man like this expects me to have a relationship with him when he displayed a lot of dubious behaviour. This has been going on for 2 years.
But oddly enough, I was able to see some similar behaviors in myself, like not being able to move on. I had a friend leave my life two years ago because of my triggers, and I was so shaken, lonely and upset. The good thing about COVID time was that I had a lot of time to face my issues and heal. Recently the close friend of mine that left two years ago called me to reconcile. This was nice and I'm glad she did, but I was shocked to hear about the recent choices she made in her life and her living conditions, and how she is now in a loveless marriage and living in a trailer park in the middle of nowhere, isolated from the world.
She was also very dodgy about some basic questions you would ask someone who you hadn't seen in two years. It seemed as if she couldn't be honest with me, and also maybe couldn't be honest with herself, and how her life is not going so well. I was kind of surprised I put this person on such a pedestal before.
I think when you are healed and have a sound mind, you can see things and situations more clearly. When you are not healed, your wounded 5 year old self is so desperately trying to cling to anything that can give you any kind of affirmation.
When my friend came back in my life, I kind of wondered why i was so devastated about her leaving my life. She doesn't even seem like she can have a mature, honest and open friendship.
When we are in a bad spot we become vulnerable to self abuses like limerence and obsession. Psychopaths become destructive on the outside and you see them in the news
i'm interested in someone who *seems* interested in me but who does not seem to be moving toward anything meaningful like a first date or spending a meaningful amount of time together getting to know each other. it's frustrating to say the least because i do like them every time i see them. i refuse to turn myself into a doormat for them, so i figure i will give it maybe another few months (til my dad's b'day, which has always been a useful cut-off for me in situations of the unknown) and then cut myself loose if nothing happens by then. so i am taking to heart your wise words hoping that i find someone who loves me as much as i love them--and who's at least as healthy as i am.
People in this situation, especially women, have got to look at the guy objectively, and say “he’s dishonest, that’s a deal breaker, and that dishonesty has nothing to do with me,”and cut him off. The joy comes from wanting to have the light in the darkness. Believe me, there are other lights that can bring you much more happiness than this jerk. The problem is that some men can pretend to like women to get the women to give them ego supply or whatever. They didn’t lose interest. They didn’t have empathy. If the woman has been traumatized and is looking for a genuine friend, she thinks she’s found one and she doesn’t want to lose him. It’s a nightmare. At all times, look closely at what they do, not what they say. And leave when you see that there’s actually nothing there. It’s not you. Some people are selfish predators who distance themselves when they see they are dealing with someone on another level. It doesn’t mean they are a great person and you didn’t stack up. You have to see that.
Dear Anna, thank you for your videos, and especially for this one! I am also Ukrainian and have also suffered from limerence after a year of war in Ukraine. I was in the friend zone with my romantic partner; he supported me in everything during the war while I was living in France, and it felt so good to have that. But he always said I was just a friend, while I, foolishly, kept falling more and more in love with him. I started feeling jealous and hurt, and then after a year, he left me, which was devastating. There was a horrible emptiness, and around the same time, my close friend in Ukraine was killed in the war, and I didn’t want to live anymore. But I managed to survive thanks to my friends and a therapist, and now I no longer want to experience limerence or be stuck in the friend zone. It’s better to be alone than to suffer like that...
Limerence is the subject I need to listen to the most but it's also the hardest for me to listen to. I suffered with it for thirty-five years and I still look back and physically cringe every time I remember a guy who I could tell was pulling away and wasn't interested but I forced them to go on another date with me by playing the guilt card. *Shudders*** 🤦
Hello Anna, I always enjoy learning from you over the last year and have helped me heal a great deal. I appreciate you being here, creating this platform 💖💖 I took a step forward today by calling a therapist! And your hair is especially beautiful today 😍 Take care. Peace and Blessings to you 🙏
My limerence was triggered by the realization that I will never be young again and that I will never feel the excitement and passion with my husband anymore. Our life for years have been revolving around kids,jobs, housework. Suddenly I was 45 and it felt my life is over. He was young, extremely attractive, ambitious, full of life, and of course, I was non existent to him. I started obsessing over him, I started working out (he is very much into fitness), I changed my hair, I started taking care of myself more. It was exciting (my fantasies) and it was pure hell at the same time(he is happily married to a beautiful young woman). At some point I realized that I have these feelings for a person I don't even know, someone who doesn't even know I exist. One day I met him "face to face", he literally didn't even acknowledge my existence. I was invisible. Then it just hit me how ridiculous I was. It took me a while to get over it. Just thinking about it makes me feel so embarrassed. I am now focused on my marriage and myself. I still exercise and work hard on myself for myself, not to impress a complete stranger.
Omg I’m so glad I found this channel. I’ve struggled with this since childhood. I see now I have limerence when my life is not going as planned. It’s a real depression that comes over me, so I escape into fantasy land in my head. I allow myself to fixate on a celebrity and imagine them being the way I want them to be romantically. I recently did this to Rhianna and Megan thee Stallion…. It was awful. I had to fight my intrusive thoughts and get back to reality.
I really feel for her.. Everything she has gone through due to the war then she gets a glimmer of hope that ends in more heartbreak.... She is better off healing on her own... Hopefully she has access to therapy and a CODA group..
Does limerence work only at the beginning of a potential romantic relationship or also like an obsession for someone who's not anymore in our life? Also, could limerence be "transferable" , meaning, someone is romantically obsessed with me and I can feel so much his presence hat I become obsessed myself too against my will, even if I don't really like the guy, just because there are no other sources of affection and attention in a particularly difficult period in life?
I mean if you think someone is important in your life and you have a connection that could lead to limerence if the connection is taken away. Basically it’s just caring about having someone in your life. It’s grief. Isn’t that normal? The problem is you can’t make the other person want to be in your life or you can’t reverse death. Some people have a strong support system some people only have a couple people or maybe even one and when that one person is taken away it can be devastating.
Thank you, crappy I love this channel, and I feel less alone; my country is in a complicated social and political situation few friends here, my mom died, and I had this limerence with a person, this guy to whom I did not even talk but had this fantasy in which I was validated for funny, pretty and so on, not only for him an attractive guy according to me but a group of people. I don't have many friends and don't go out that much, but I have realised that there are things that we can't control. But it is better to be in the real world, as tempting as the fairy tale where everything is okay and I get along with the people, and I am validated and appreciated; being in the real world is the only way, every now and then I allow my self to go to fantasy land, but I am trying to spend more time dealing with the real situations to get better
Damn. I’m going through this very thing right now. Never heard this term til today. I got involved with a married woman, convinced myself that she wanted me over him, it’s been over 2 years now, she won’t leave and the more the cycle continues, the deeper in love I seem to fall. The more attached I get. I always think about what we could be and hold onto that glimmer of hope. I try often to convince her but deep down that makes me feel even worse. So many tears.
This helped way more than a professional could without going into dumb habits I have I know I have these tendencies but now there's a name and rhyme and reason for it
"time wasted?' you're in your early 20's you have only just begun! I can certainly understand all your feelings. It's awesome you found this perfectly awesome channel! Get this now and you'll feel "alive" the rest of your life!! Good looking out for yourself!! Coming from fifty something who wished she got it in her 20's 30's 40's lol god bless you!! You probably dodged a bullet! You are young and wonderful, now with this guy gone, your open for greatness!! Blessings!!
@@DanielleFerreira-kt7ix He just wrote the same exact comment word for word including the “roses” copy/pasted to another woman above but “he normally doesn’t comment” oh ok. 👌🏻 Predatory behavior much?
I dont understand people that say we had a connection on only knowing someone an hour, a week , a month! A connection can be staged. Do people get confused with physical attraction and think that's a connection, a connection goes much deeper and takes longer to happen.
I think starting a relationship soon after a major trauma like what happened to this poor girl, I mean the war, grief, an illness, a serious life transition, you name it, is never a good idea. When you are kind of overwhelmed with stress, pain, insecurity, and on the top of that you had a traumatic childhood, you simply do not have the resources to "squander" in difficult periods. Maybe I'm mistaken, but in those periods it's better to steer clear of dating and to concentrate on yourself, your support system, and building up the essentials in your life: security, stability and peace.
It makes me sad that my only option is to not date or date lightly until Ive somehow managed to heal. I'm 35 and incredibly lonely. I go years without affection or even friends around. And then they slip through my fingers like sand. No one ever stays.
I didn't have an alcoholic parent, just a nutter mother. I became obsessive about a man in another country. I knew him intimately for several days in my country. He kept writing and I just wanted to see him again. He felt the same but the tyranny of distance was too much. I knew no one in America and it was difficult to make it happen from Australia.
The child will little or no parenting/love will likely be a limerent susceptible individual. In this case, genetics has no truck and neither does alcohol or drugs.
I agree he saved her a lot of grief by not dating her... I imagine even though he knows he cannot heal her complex hurts he does wish her the best as she tries to heal.. I think if she finds a hobby that would be helpful too...
I wouldn't agree it comes from that described place, like difficult circumstances. It's logic and maybe mostly appears then but I have experience it when I met somebody being happy with my life, generally. I was obviously missing love and partner and the moment I involved myself more and he went more distant, here all started... Even i didn't want it, it's really strange kind of addiction. Break something in your soul at the end, you loose yourself somehow a bit 😢
Ugh, this Anna subject is a painful one. As I'm right in the middle of a two year crumbing/clinching on the hope I can change enough for him to notice and then he will see how lovable I am.
Well, no other person can fix the hole in us. Yes, it's to much of a burdon to Most others. Even if they have problems/traumatic themes themselves. Sometimes with luck, you meet a mire healthy person as you are and that wants to be with you and stay with you while you dive deep or get depressed again... But often two wounded people meet and one or the other rans scared away once, when it is too much to handle.
This video came at the perfect time for me. It's so weird how guys will flirt with women and then not be honest That they have changed their mind. I wish they would just be honest with us
I don’t have an alcoholic parent. I have cptsd from an authoritarian, fundamentalist Christian dad and a mom who gave up full custody of us to him because she had her own stuff to deal with (she left him for another woman but struggled to fully accept herself).
By the sounds of it, Hugo was goading her with his dishonesty 😅. He should've just said: "sorry I dont feel the same way" and stop talking to her. Or block. Whatever. Do not lead her on. He added to her trauma and that is on him.
I don't do limerence for so much, i leave them but i keep attracting avoidants or narcissists. I guess im avoidant myself, disorganized. At 43 i just lost hope i mean always same pattern, ...i meditate a lot. I do want them but dont chase them anymore, its not so that being detached fixes it all. Its just fake interest from their side too, only when you detach. You really want mind games and conditioned love? I won't go as low ever again. Instead think the universe has better things for you planned.... I dont double the universe's guidance anymore i pray. I couldn't but i prayed and I was released from limerence
![Megan Thee Stallion - Roc Steady (feat. Flo Milli) [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/HozPPyqW0dY/mqdefault.jpg)
It’s cruel when the object of your misguided affection leads you to believe they’re reciprocating when they’re not. It’s like they like the ego boost and they’re willing to flirt, but it’s not serious to them. That really messed me up.
yep
That's what narcissists live for.
Some people are so delusional that they take you telling them to leave you alone as a form of affection. They can’t be helped
Same thing happened to me
This keeps happening to me and it's so draining and saddening.
The limerence is because when we were being neglected as children with alcoholic parents we looked to TV and movies to try to gain some insight because we had no one else to talk to and all they showed us was that if you loved the person to your utter end and destruction they would eventually come around and be saved by your love and you would most likely die in the process. The bittersweet love of a martyr for love.
You're so right! That happened with me!
YES
oml
Somehow I had enough sense as a very young child to avoid going down this path with my adoptive father. There was a tiny bit of limerence towards him, in that I wished he could kick his own alcoholism and surely someone who truly “needed” him sober (a vulnerable child) could inspire him to do so, but the illusion that I could have any influence over that was blown away pretty early on. Most of my limerence was saved for future unavailable men and boyfriends I couldn’t connect with due to my own issues and trauma.
Yeah, so many movies have this idea of setting your eyes on one person and pushing and pushing until they see that you're worthy of dating them, but it's not like that in real life, or it leads to bad situations. In my own experience, if you have to try and persuade someone to date you after they've pulled away, it's better to move on. I didn't understand this, and I lost an important friendship over it, which is what got me into this channel. I remember thinking of the end scene in the graduate where the main character, Ben, screams at a girl who's set to marry someone else and has her run off with him, and similar tropes, and thinking I needed to do something like that, some last ditch effort to get this girl to try to date me, but any efforts I made only pushed her away as a friend. The whole experience really kicked me into taking limerence seriously, but I wish I had just accepted the situation as it was and trusted things to unfold naturally, since we still would have been friends. Hindsight is 20/20. It was extremely difficult to let go even when it was clear that she wasn't that into me. Now when I meet someone attractive, I try to reframe it to mean that there are plenty of attractive people out there, I have options, and now I'm in a position to meet more of them with some changes in where I live and my lifestyle.
This channel is more effective than any therapist Ive ever been to. Im referring to Anna's ability to address/ analyze all the nuances of cptsd. I thought I was the only person suffering from limerence etc and never even heard the word until I saw this channel.
Anna has been a Godsend for all of the crazy in my life. I always felt like ppl just don't get me until I found her and the way she explains me almost every time I am floored.
Yes! Me too! I had never heard the word before either 😕 or had ever been given a clue 🤷🏽♀️ about what childhood ptsd was. Anna is awesome and I am so happy I found her ❤ ♥ Peace and Blessings to you
I agree as well..I feel like a lot of my therapists, especially when I was new to it, felt they had something to prove by telling me all the things that were wrong w/me while I was telling them certain things they requested!
Anna listens, lets us talk without judgement, we KNOW and FEEL we are being heard - maybe truly for the first time with a lot of us...and that is a BIG thing. Not being able move on because we feel we aren't truly heard and our pain acknowledged, sometimes even believed- is such a big thing..and Anna is just F@!kin amazing! ( apologies for the chapter here..)
THIS ❤
Therapists do not talk about Limerance and I'm not sure why. But a therapist has a degree. They are licensed. Coaches are not. They can make mistakes, are confused, and have therapists on their channels. A lot of them do this for business and making money. I'm not saying she is like this. She had this Limerance like me. But please don't forget about therapists. They are licensed to give advice by the state for a reason.
I also believe that limerence is a coping mechanism. It is when you're trying to relieve one anxiety with another. The fear underneath is the fear of losing control. I find sometimes that limerence does not happen randomly, it's an unconscious decision you take because you have no other tool to relieve anxiety about something else in your life. By obsessively thinking of someone, you don't leave space to deal with the real problem. So you make the other person a priority and the dominant issue which in fact he's not. Anna your videos are GOLD, thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I completely agree. I used to fill my waking hours fantasizing about unavailable men. And now I just see all the time I wasted! What kind of trance was I in all those years?
I feel you Shamika!
Limerence for me was not a choice; it was always randomly catching feelings for someone who was unlikely to return them, but not when I had more worries or anxiety than usual. Plus, moving on was difficult, even when I wanted to, though obviously I could choose to either move on in spite of the feelings, or wallow/revel in the fantasy.
I think limerence is like a lot of other things, though, where not everyone does experience it in the same way.
I don’t look at becoming limerent as a choice, even unconsciously - if that’s the case, do we choose who to be attracted to in other cases? I totally agree that limerence then often, if not always becomes a distraction from real issues, though.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel well, a decision conscious or unconscious in this case it's driven by an unhealed trauma. Maybe you were trying to relieve boredom and emptiness not anxiety or worry necessarily. I believe that people we are attracted to, have specific characteristics and they are not random choices. I do agree with you though that everyone experiences things in a different way and that is why it's important understand our own behavioural cycle.
Really good 👍 observation
When times are dark we cling to the faintest glimmer of a star even if it's light years away.
Is this from something or all yours? It’s beautiful. I’d like to quote it in a book I’m writing if it’s yours and to credit you.
I think people can have platonic limerence, too. Like they think they’re way closer to that classmate or coworker than they thought, only to find they didn’t get invited to the party. But if a person is very needy or shy, they can mistake a pleasant, fun conversation with the daily in-and-out of friendship
this, i think when i was younger i held limerance for my friends. it was not healthy - and put way too much pressure on them. in the end i just like, daniella, needed family and support which i did not have.
I have experienced platonic limerance with teachers in my youth and healing professionals as an adult. A doctor and a teacher both showed me love when I was really small and needed love, and they “created” the archetypal pattern for the people I end up in limerance with. I’m grateful for it happening only with people in those professions. It’s not everyone in those professions. Just certain personality types. I’m seeing a lot of others having this happen, which makes me sad. But I am grateful to know this is not as uncommon as I thought. I believe this comes from my grandmother and can be genetic. I want it to end with me.
@@babybrownie13 i relate incredibly. it usually happened with english teachers
Yes! I wish Anna would more into platonic limmerance
Agree
I did a 3 days water fast with prayer to the Most High. Limerence gone. This my second limerence. Keep your heart,mind and soul to God/ Jesus christ. Works for me
I've found "limerrence" or crush addiction has been active since i was very very young like 7 or something. I hadn't put all this together and tthe fifty or so therapists throughout my life didn't touch on this at all! Anna thank you for the gold you so freely give!!!
Im 53 yrs old and never heard of limerence til now. I've also realized that I've had this since childhood. Searching and attaching to loving mother figures, and i still do this at 53. Ugh. I have a lot of work to do.☮
Me too .
Explains why I was boy crazy at a young age!
Same. I'm so thankful for the internet.
Dearest, dearest Anna.. it just now dawned to me that I have limerence. And now as I am realizing this… I believe that I felt a stone dropping from my heart. What an important realisation. It took me up to four years to realize this, but better late than never. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you give with so much clarity and love.
I was totally surprised about the story and it helped me to understand I'm not alone in this loneliness and abandonement... I'm from Ukraine also, I've been living in Berlin for the last half a year and I totally understand this girl... I lost my mother less than year ago and right now I have no feeling I'm secure in a new country without my friends and previous life.
When I deeply fell for a guy from Tinder after only 3 weeks of knowing each other and my emotions and feelings got so intense that I litterally couldn't sleep and eat, I realized it's not a good timing for any dating apps or casual sex. Moreover this channel helped me to admit that casual sex is totally harmfull for my mental health. Now I only focus on providing myself financial and residental stability, trying to find my people and friends and when my anxious mind turns me back to my thoughts about being attached to somebody - I meditate, go to the gym and do everything to stop ruminating these unhealthy thoughts. It's really difficult but not impossible. Thank you for this priceless knowledge and your work!♥
Wishing you healing and friendship in your life. It sounds like you and Daniella might become friends ♥️
@@katrose2350 Thank you🥰
Обіймаю! Любіть себе!
I didn’t know what limerance was until I had gone through it a few times. Once I realized what it was I was done with it. It just felt like self created drama at that point that always ends in heartbreak.
I like your name! What a beautiful one: Evangeline 😁🌸
I’ve recently just cleared one year sober from alcohol. Now, I’ve experienced this for the first time at 47, I’ve never felt so out of touch or control of myself ever before. I don’t wanna go through that again. My nervous system was a mess. Only swing this person 5 times in over a year. I created a whole future just over texting. This is so real !!! I had to search and search to figure this out and how to stop it. !! I’m at peace finally, so folks the feeling does go away if you do the work needed to come back to reality. ❤ thank you for your videos. !!
I live in berlin and the dating scene is horrible. Ghosting is the norm, most men just want to have sex, adultery is very common and lots of people say that they are in an "open relationship" but actually their partner doesnt know about that. It's wicked
Berlin? Could be worse.
I think that's the norm everywhere for people on dating website though. Grass is always greener. I could be wrong but it's like the housing market, I see every state/provinces/country complaining on the internet about how " things are so much more expensive here vs this other X place" But when you see this from litteraly everywhere you might wonder where is that magical other place where things are actually affordable 😅 . I think there is also a huge negativity biased online/virtually. There is a lot of good people out there but for people with cptsd our "good/fitting" people compass might be a bit wonky so we think everyone is mean or unavailable or awful. Plus there might be a much higher percentage of cptsd affected people than we realize , we just got to heal collectively and create new boundaries. That has to start on an individual basis . This channel is proof that one person healing can reach hundreds and millions of others ❤️ Just my observation and thoughts.
I think that's the same everywhere
I hate to hear that’s the case. I never thought I’d be one to say it, but for me, once I stopped entertaining the idea of having a partner, I became so much happier! I find cultivating my inner awareness and growing that to be much more interesting and rewarding. I’ve taken a lot of self-imposed and culturally-imposed expectations off of my plate. I am genuinely happy this way. It’s not for everyone, I suppose. But it’s like a hidden gem in plain sight to me.
Date older! Men over 40 usually want committed relationships:)
You call it "kissing frogs"...I call it: "Do straight men even like women?" Because at this point none of them really seem to actually like women.
Unfortunately many of them don’t like women!
Porn addiction, Fans only, & onlines easy access to great, on demand sex meet ups for the same price as taking a woman out for the night & less work, A LOT less work to get a piece of pie than having to court (has snatched their souls, followed by the MGTOW movement (men going their own way) as well as having women friends as just friends unfortunately, especially since lockdown😢The only way this trend will change is to not have ez access but that will never happen=why would a man give up the great less complicated life for one woman who could ruin his life for the rest of his life?!!!
As a woman I ask myself if I even want a guy anymore. I’ve lost so much time focusing on men instead of myself. I’m just feeling jaded.
@@ruthbarnard6593 Same. I feel jaded because someone younger, more willing to put up with disrespect and shitty treatment will always come along and I think modern dating gives men easy access to sex, making them no longer want to court women or treat them well. A lot of people hate on Christianity, but I tell you, people were a lot less likely to have multiple partners if they thought they’d be going to he** for it. Just saying. I even envy people in dull marriages at this point, because at least they’re going through life with a dependable partner.
Dear Anna, Thanks so much for your videos; because of your insights on
the things in people with `crappy childhoods` get into, especially limerence.
Thanks to you I'm slowly untangling what I know is limerence, not mad love,
for a man who's married and escaping from what sounds like a toxic marriage
with one silly girl after another. This almost included me until very lately, when
I began to really listen to your channel. I have my own brain now more and
more and thanks to you I'm dodging a bullet, and instead of immediately
becoming obsessed and throwing myself away for crumbs of hope, I'm
trying to go forward and with my own life.
Lucy, I agree with you . Have had similar experiences. Good luck and hope you find someone to call your own,soon.
This young lady sounds so intelligent on top of ambitious. So much potential for the right person
Daniella, you’re SO young! You can heal through this. Focus on good friends, work or education, and your health. I’m 45 and am just now learning these lessons.
I am even older both of you and for the first time in my life going through this, you are both young, enjoy your life xxx
I just love Anna's talks. This is the language of the Heart. We all need this..
Anna, I feel OCD also pays a role in limerance along with abuse from a parent bcos you find a person like your parent who rejects you so you keep trying to win their love.
Are you OCD? I'm diagnosed OCD and am also Anxious Preoccupied with CTPSD. I don't know what causes me to do what. But I ruminate often and hard.
Thanks to your videos and advice fairy, I stopped running after men who weren't on the same page. It feels relieving and empowering at the same time. I regained control over myself and stopped begging for crumbles
I'm from a very abusive background , on my own since 15 [ abandoned at an orphanage day I way born abused neglected ect] and I'm an artist , limerance has been soooo strong and devastating. All it takes is a guy to be attractive and pay me attention then ignore me and I fall hard ......yuck
😭💔
I understand
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
try to use revision and tell a different story sometimes i tell this story too but ive been listening to sammy ingram and saying “ that never happened everyone is always so nice to me “
Im sorry that sounds so traumatic you deserve the world
🌎❤️
You know, Anna, I imagine you get this a lot, but for real, having read all sorts of stuff from Levine to Van der Kolk to Pema Chodron and so on, you really are such a down to earth guru about complex trauma. It reminds me how the best mentors and therapists and inspiring examples I've found on my healing journey have all had their times as socially outcast losers and confused lost souls along the way. Like me.
Gives one hope doesn't it?
Another wow moment compliments of Anna. I experienced this once when I was separating from my husband. It was a low point, very stressful, and I fixated on a coworker who in retrospect, was completely emotionally unavailable. It was a completely platonic “crush” but he kept the flame burning without truly committing in any real way. This was so painful and took years to evaporate from my mind. So thankful my husband went to therapy and we are back together. Never saw it as limerance until today, as it is so out of character for me generally. TY
I am so embarrassed on my fixation when I reflect on it
Yes my parents were alcoholics and I never knew what love was and I was used to toxicity so this makes a lot of sense and I’ve been working through this so I can get shift out of this
I recently started talking to this guy. We would see each other every weekend and act like a couple in public and in front of his friends. When we’re together he is sooo romantic and lovey dovey. It feels so magical. But during the week days he pulls away and doesn’t contact me. It’s weekend love only. This past week he seemed to be coming around more as we were talking a bit throughout the week and Thursday he called me to say he missed me and we locked in plans to see each other on Friday. Come Friday he stood me up. Ghosted me. I haven’t heard from him. I’m so confused on why a person would treat another this way and still convince themselves they are a decent human being. I think he was leading me on the entire time, or maybe I was so deep in my limerence that I couldn’t see the signs.
I couldn't possibly thank Anna for all the help she's provided to me. If you're reading this, you have changed my life, anna. About 4 months ago, I found your video randomly on my youtube page. And as I started delving into this entire issue, I was forced to confront how sad my life has been. Being from a brown family, we're never allowed to complain about anything, since our parents had everything worse, or so they say. It's only now I realise so much went wrong. And for these few months, I've been watching your videos and trying to accept and process so many things. This limerence issue was completely the ailment I was suffering from and I couldn't thank you enough for telling me the name of my demon. I've healed somewhat, and lo and behold, I've found someone that loves and cherishes me and takes care of me. I've learnt how to be happy with him, but more importantly I've also learnt that I have to put myself first in my life. You have been a blessing for me this year. As the year ends, I want to remind you that your effect on other people's lives is real and it's transformative. All my love goes out to you, anna.
Thank you so much for these kind words. I'm overjoyed to hear of your progress in healing. This is everything.
I just know that a brave heart will gain strength. I’m so sorry for what happened to this young lady. But I also admire her for the courage to have had to leave her home and not just start a new life but forced to do so. Kiddo you are stronger then ya think...
Love will find you when you least expect it.
Wishing wellness, healing, and definite victory to Ukraine and the Ukrainian people! Found this video kind and loving for myself, too. Thank you.
It's the same with animals. In the sense that when you rescue an adult pet, it is very difficult to get them to trust and get close to other people. They never want to let you go.its not quite the same. But I find it sooo hard to move on from loss in relationships. Not quite limerance. But close...
You should do a video that gives tips on how to handle the depression that hits you after you grow out of your fantasies and realize how little people actually care about you lol.
I come from a family with alcoholism and I think I was scared of friendships because I thought they, too, would demand too much of me like my family did. I think I had limerence, too, because I was used to 'difficult' people. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the Crappy Childhood Fairy. I've done many therapies and they helped, too. Most of all, it was my Christian faith that helped raise my standards of behaviour and learn what love looks like.
Wow. I had an alcoholic father who left me and my brother and divorced my borderline/narc mother when I was 6 and my brother was 4. As a 55 year old adult woman with CPTSD, I can honestly say that I completely stopped dating almost 10 years ago because i absolutely experience limerence. The last man I dated only twice, but I liked him too much right away. I was so excited. He ghosted me after our second date and then started posting pictures of him and his new gf on Facebook. It took me almost two years to get over it. I was aware enough though to know that I needed to delete his number out of my phone immediately so that I could not text him. Thank goodness I deleted his number right away so I didn’t make a fool out of myself or put myself in a position to be rejected again. After that, I made a conscious decision not to date anymore. It’s just easier for me and I can live my life now instead of obsessing for no reason. Great video. Thank you!
i am sorry to ask, i am just very interested, have worked through any of your childhood trauma? i have the idea to take time to heal and abstain from romantic, emotional, etc relationships but 10 years seems excessive and it seems like you are still dealing with these issues anyway.
@@allysiren hi Ally. Oh yes. I spent decades of my life in therapy. I did many years of one-on-one therapy. I even tried group therapy. I did inner child healing work and even got to meet John Bradshaw. I even tried past life regression and soul retrieval work at one point. I did lots and lots of work to heal from the trauma that my two dysfunctional parents heaped upon me. But I grew up never feeling safe. Never feeling valued or important. Never feeling worthy of being loved or lovable. I never felt loved by my parents. My mother told me right to my face that she never wanted to have me. I never got to see or learn what a healthy loving adult relationship was like. Both of my parents each divorced twice, and they are both miserable people. I have scars that will never go away. I know my decision to stay alone is definitely not for everyone, but for me it’s just easier for my mental health and wellbeing. I can’t take the drama, the breadcrumbing, the ghosting, the game playing. I don’t like the person I become when I start obsessing over a man who acted like he really liked me and then ghosts me. The limerence takes over my mind and life. I’m too old for that baloney now. At least when I am alone I have peace. 🙏🏻
@@SDsearcher I feel similarly. Before I met my last boyfriend 7 years ago, I’d been happily single for the best part of 10 years and naively thought I’d somehow grown past the issues that caused me so much stress and anxiety while in romantic relationships. Unfortunately they showed up again, even worse! If you’re happier being single anyway, I think that’s a good enough place to be. Nobody is obligated to date just because others might think it strange not to. Dating sounds like hell, anyway, as you already described.
@@SDsearcher i 100% understand about the relationship. I can only tell you about my healing journey so far.
I used to have a constant inner critic, which i shut down by not even allowing it space in my head, replacing it with kind thoughts about who i am- who my authentic self is. Being kind to myself and to others as well as not allowing anyone to harm me or myself to harm others. Forgiving self and others.
BUT, forgetting about perfection. Allowing myself to make mistakes and forgiving myself and others each time. That is key too.
Anyway, my progress has centered around cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) but i heard great things about dbt (diallectical behavioural therapy) I also tried reparenting, self soothing, so on but it is a constant, daily practice. A lot of attachment style, trying to make it secure. (but first practicing with myself/make my attachment to myself secure) then eventually my plan is to do it within relationships. And strong boundaries, how to set them, how to keep them, etc.
So i know my past relationship i chose out of my unhealed self but as i heal, i hope i will be able to recognize others by the way they talk, the way they act, etc and choose a partner that embodies my same values once i heal. I agree i should stay single too for a while but i am also still hoping that i can eventually heal and have a loving, two sided, supportive, authentic relationship!
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to answer me and being so open about your own journey. I am also very glad to read you have achieved inner peace and that you protect it too ♡ Sending you the best of wishes ~☆
When the object of limerence ups and marries you, it helps to bring the end of that addiction. When the object of limerence writes incredibly moving messages, albeit intermittently, the addiction is endless.
Is that what happened w u?
I am experiencing such messages right now. It creates a swirling storm in my mind, not knowing what the future will be.
@@MaryamPirzada Yes, they are 2 different people, taking place 30 years apart. The current one purposefully created addiction. I haven’t allowed myself to meet another man until I can trust my own choices in who I am willing to interact with.
@@Captain_MonsterFart The future holds more of the same pain and pleasure, or utter devastation.
Yup that’s my LO. Kept coming back with words I hungered to hear from him. How does he know all my buttons to push. It’s been 25 years and I still get obsessed. 13 years since last contact and I still ponder and asked why?!! It’s crazy.
At 12 years old, i thought i was just boy crazy. I would think about my crush and daydream about him much more than a normal preteen. He was so popular and i was the total opposite. I look back and now realize it was limerance. My parents were not alcoholics. But my father was abusive to one of my siblings and my mother had a nervous breakdown when i was 8 years old and couldnt get out of bed for almost a year. That is traumatic for a little girl. I probably developed limerance at a young age as an escape.
This recently happened to me! I am married and we are going thru a rough patch and met someone I was in love with and almkst married years ago. We both must have been having our own issues and began to flirt. It just became a mess...and I WAS fixated and felt TOTALLY ALIVE. Now I am just working on my marriage.
You are not alone
Same happened to me and I could not stop thinking about this man, it was actually scaring me cause I was even dreaming about him.
I feel your RUclips videos are more affective than any therapist I’ve ever been too! Yesterday my therapist made a weird remark saying what if someone you cared about was in a swamp in February would you go? What does that have to do with anything? But no I wouldn’t go
Wow, i just typed the same thing before reading your comment!
@@lisasimpson8003 good minds think alike
@@KellysMagicalRealm ❤
Im 62 with a history of sugnificant childhood trauma . In the last Ive met 2 men Ive crushed on in both cases Ive been abandoned and ghosted . The obsessive thinking and craziness was just insane .
Thankfully , Ive let go .
Ghosting someone is regardless of their interest or disinterest is never OK . Have the backbone to tbh with people . Have the compassion to be clear with people .
When I read about why people get addicted to unavailable people it explained that the chase is what makes you addicted. The highs and lows give us those chemicals that makes us feel ecstatic when they give us attention and praise and then the drama of them disappearing and then appearing!
I've found it so very difficult meeting women friends in my fifties. I wish i could take your courses! Anna, thank you for all of your free videos it's like winning lotto for my soul! Thank you so much!
It IS a blessing like that I agree! I've desperately NEEDED this!!! Peace
I am discovering the word " limerence" and its significance and it helps me very much . I am French and I don't know any word in French equivalent for the same thing. How words are important for healing !
Thank you so much for all you do for us💜
I'm watching this video and thinking about that movie, "About a Boy", where the main character gets to the conclusion: 2 isn't enough! You need a community. One romantic relationship won't provide you with everything you need, and probably the romance won't survive either if its not supported by a safety net made out of friends and family.
Love this perspective!
There's also that song that says: "one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do; two can be as bad as one, its the loneliest number since the number one"
@@frankuvlkan dear Frank. I almost believed you for a second. But then I opened you're profile and saw that you write this exact same thing for many other woman, which I find a bit weird. What the fuck, man?
This is true, safety and support needs to come from a multitude of stable relationships like family and friends. I was married once and we travelled far from our home and gave up the family and friends, but it was unsustainable. Now I build relationships in community and one day romance will come again for me.
I don't care if a guy is trying not to hurt your feelings. Any guy that does this is a COWARD! He should just tell her that he's dating someone else and not leave her sitting on the shelf, ready to reel in when it doesn't work out with someone else. She deserves better than that. Not a quality guy, IMHO.
Yes, that only makes a person try to prove themselves stronger than the guy tells her she is=go and ignore your texts for months then, call u one night & talk for 5-6 hours, repeat=where the guy invests 1 bored breadcrumbing eve out of 365 eves a year & keeps her in limerance/on the shelf until he wants to play…
@@kimlarso Absolutely! 💯
Now if I feel obsessed about someone. I run😅. Nope he is not the one. Block.
If I feel attracted towards him. Run 😅. Block.
Immediately
I've heard this too...immediate extreme attraction means run...this person is going to destroy your soul
I'm glad you're here, re-regulation tools can really help!
Cara@TeamFairy
After my chihuahua died I fell for this guy I knew way before, and I knew it was the grief , but it took hold of me ,....since I was aware I couldn't trust those feelings I openly talked about it with him and asked him to block me , and erased his number and I'm glad I did that
I mean , we had a bit of a moment , I didn't see it coming cause I didn't think he saw me that way , but I gave into it because I was in such grief.....im just glad I was aware of my own weaknesses
When I realized I was hoping my realtor was viewing me as a potential girlfriend, he viewed me as a paycheck. Realizing I was hurt and resentful when older women didn’t nurture me- I was wanting them to be my Mommie! It was shocking but freeing at the same time.
Thank you again, Ms. Anna, for the outstanding work you do to help so many hurting people!
Different personalities have strengths and vulnerabilities.
I know that the topic is limerence, but being in a vulnerable and lost feeling, is the very time that an unscrupulous player can take advantage of the situation, and just take what you have to offer and then crush you much later. I think that she should take it as situation that did not work out, but luckily, it ended pretty soon in the game. When she understands that there may be times when the role is reversed, and to meet someone and after a few dates, she honestly knows that he is not for her, it will be easier to understand that this is the dance of life. He was nice to end it as soon as he did. One day, the love of her life will materialize.
I love these videos on limerence. They have helped me identify so many unhealthy behaviors in myself. And it can help us to have compassion for others who suffer with this. There is a client at my work who I used to engage with friendly conversation and also befriended his whole family. I know I also used to be a people pleaser....anyway, after just being his friend for a few months and which I thought was innocent, he started to ask me to ask to see me outside of work and behind his wife's back. He would also call me when I started my shift at work (I am an office admin and reception, so a part of my job was answering the phone) and talk to me. When I started to back off and make myself busy when he was around, at first he thought my boss told me not to engage with him. He is a client that contributes a lot of money to the business I work at, and when I would try to set boundaries with him, he would cancel some business and call my boss and say bad things about me. I was pretty shocked by this because I saw myself as just friends with his whole family. After things kind of settled down (there was some drama), it seems like he acts normal for months at a time, then looks for an opportunity to try to get my attention and or talk to me in private, and if I don’t give him the attention he wants, again he will pull back his business and complain about me. It is shocking that a man like this expects me to have a relationship with him when he displayed a lot of dubious behaviour. This has been going on for 2 years.
But oddly enough, I was able to see some similar behaviors in myself, like not being able to move on. I had a friend leave my life two years ago because of my triggers, and I was so shaken, lonely and upset. The good thing about COVID time was that I had a lot of time to face my issues and heal. Recently the close friend of mine that left two years ago called me to reconcile. This was nice and I'm glad she did, but I was shocked to hear about the recent choices she made in her life and her living conditions, and how she is now in a loveless marriage and living in a trailer park in the middle of nowhere, isolated from the world.
She was also very dodgy about some basic questions you would ask someone who you hadn't seen in two years. It seemed as if she couldn't be honest with me, and also maybe couldn't be honest with herself, and how her life is not going so well. I was kind of surprised I put this person on such a pedestal before.
I realized, it's hard to have a good friendship with someone who has so much unprocessed trauma.
I think when you are healed and have a sound mind, you can see things and situations more clearly. When you are not healed, your wounded 5 year old self is so desperately trying to cling to anything that can give you any kind of affirmation.
When my friend came back in my life, I kind of wondered why i was so devastated about her leaving my life. She doesn't even seem like she can have a mature, honest and open friendship.
she is 24 years she will stand on her feet and make a great life.
When we are in a bad spot we become vulnerable to self abuses like limerence and obsession. Psychopaths become destructive on the outside and you see them in the news
Great advice, positive response. All the best and love to "Daniela "
Ohhh! I'm really good at this limerence thing, and had no idea there was a word for it. 🙄
yay! There's a word for it :)
Cara@TeamFairy
i'm interested in someone who *seems* interested in me but who does not seem to be moving toward anything meaningful like a first date or spending a meaningful amount of time together getting to know each other. it's frustrating to say the least because i do like them every time i see them. i refuse to turn myself into a doormat for them, so i figure i will give it maybe another few months (til my dad's b'day, which has always been a useful cut-off for me in situations of the unknown) and then cut myself loose if nothing happens by then. so i am taking to heart your wise words hoping that i find someone who loves me as much as i love them--and who's at least as healthy as i am.
People in this situation, especially women, have got to look at the guy objectively, and say “he’s dishonest, that’s a deal breaker, and that dishonesty has nothing to do with me,”and cut him off. The joy comes from wanting to have the light in the darkness. Believe me, there are other lights that can bring you much more happiness than this jerk. The problem is that some men can pretend to like women to get the women to give them ego supply or whatever. They didn’t lose interest. They didn’t have empathy. If the woman has been traumatized and is looking for a genuine friend, she thinks she’s found one and she doesn’t want to lose him. It’s a nightmare. At all times, look closely at what they do, not what they say. And leave when you see that there’s actually nothing there. It’s not you. Some people are selfish predators who distance themselves when they see they are dealing with someone on another level. It doesn’t mean they are a great person and you didn’t stack up. You have to see that.
Great comment!
Very helpful details in this comment .❤
Dear Anna, thank you for your videos, and especially for this one! I am also Ukrainian and have also suffered from limerence after a year of war in Ukraine. I was in the friend zone with my romantic partner; he supported me in everything during the war while I was living in France, and it felt so good to have that. But he always said I was just a friend, while I, foolishly, kept falling more and more in love with him. I started feeling jealous and hurt, and then after a year, he left me, which was devastating. There was a horrible emptiness, and around the same time, my close friend in Ukraine was killed in the war, and I didn’t want to live anymore. But I managed to survive thanks to my friends and a therapist, and now I no longer want to experience limerence or be stuck in the friend zone. It’s better to be alone than to suffer like that...
Sorry you have experienced all that. Hang in there!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy , merci beaucoup!😘💙💛
Limerence is the subject I need to listen to the most but it's also the hardest for me to listen to. I suffered with it for thirty-five years and I still look back and physically cringe every time I remember a guy who I could tell was pulling away and wasn't interested but I forced them to go on another date with me by playing the guilt card. *Shudders*** 🤦
It's OK sweetie. What matters most is that you recognize your limerant patterns and you can change!
@@beatrixbrennan1545 thank you for your encouragement 🩷
Hello Anna, I always enjoy learning from you over the last year and have helped me heal a great deal. I appreciate you being here, creating this platform 💖💖
I took a step forward today by calling a therapist! And your hair is especially beautiful today 😍 Take care. Peace and Blessings to you 🙏
Yes, now that you mention it, Ana DOES have very attractive, pretty hair!🙂
My limerence was triggered by the realization that I will never be young again and that I will never feel the excitement and passion with my husband anymore. Our life for years have been revolving around kids,jobs, housework. Suddenly I was 45 and it felt my life is over. He was young, extremely attractive, ambitious, full of life, and of course, I was non existent to him. I started obsessing over him, I started working out (he is very much into fitness), I changed my hair, I started taking care of myself more. It was exciting (my fantasies) and it was pure hell at the same time(he is happily married to a beautiful young woman). At some point I realized that I have these feelings for a person I don't even know, someone who doesn't even know I exist. One day I met him "face to face", he literally didn't even acknowledge my existence. I was invisible. Then it just hit me how ridiculous I was. It took me a while to get over it. Just thinking about it makes me feel so embarrassed. I am now focused on my marriage and myself. I still exercise and work hard on myself for myself, not to impress a complete stranger.
You're doing the right thing now. Keep it up!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Anna, I rarely comment but many of your videos have really helped me gain insight into much of my behaviour and triggers.
Omg I’m so glad I found this channel. I’ve struggled with this since childhood. I see now I have limerence when my life is not going as planned. It’s a real depression that comes over me, so I escape into fantasy land in my head. I allow myself to fixate on a celebrity and imagine them being the way I want them to be romantically. I recently did this to Rhianna and Megan thee Stallion…. It was awful. I had to fight my intrusive thoughts and get back to reality.
I really feel for her.. Everything she has gone through due to the war then she gets a glimmer of hope that ends in more heartbreak.... She is better off healing on her own... Hopefully she has access to therapy and a CODA group..
Does limerence work only at the beginning of a potential romantic relationship or also like an obsession for someone who's not anymore in our life? Also, could limerence be "transferable" , meaning, someone is romantically obsessed with me and I can feel so much his presence hat I become obsessed myself too against my will, even if I don't really like the guy, just because there are no other sources of affection and attention in a particularly difficult period in life?
Comment to signal boost, would really like to hear the answers to those questions too!
I mean if you think someone is important in your life and you have a connection that could lead to limerence if the connection is taken away. Basically it’s just caring about having someone in your life. It’s grief. Isn’t that normal? The problem is you can’t make the other person want to be in your life or you can’t reverse death. Some people have a strong support system some people only have a couple people or maybe even one and when that one person is taken away it can be devastating.
Thank you, crappy I love this channel, and I feel less alone; my country is in a complicated social and political situation few friends here, my mom died, and I had this limerence with a person, this guy to whom I did not even talk but had this fantasy in which I was validated for funny, pretty and so on, not only for him an attractive guy according to me but a group of people. I don't have many friends and don't go out that much, but I have realised that there are things that we can't control. But it is better to be in the real world, as tempting as the fairy tale where everything is okay and I get along with the people, and I am validated and appreciated; being in the real world is the only way, every now and then I allow my self to go to fantasy land, but I am trying to spend more time dealing with the real situations to get better
I absolutely DESPISE limerence. It's defined my whole life. I'm so tired.
Damn. I’m going through this very thing right now. Never heard this term til today.
I got involved with a married woman, convinced myself that she wanted me over him, it’s been over 2 years now, she won’t leave and the more the cycle continues, the deeper in love I seem to fall. The more attached I get. I always think about what we could be and hold onto that glimmer of hope. I try often to convince her but deep down that makes me feel even worse. So many tears.
You are amazing. I have changed my whole perspective since listening to you.
This helped way more than a professional could without going into dumb habits I have I know I have these tendencies but now there's a name and rhyme and reason for it
"time wasted?' you're in your early 20's you have only just begun! I can certainly understand all your feelings. It's awesome you found this perfectly awesome channel! Get this now and you'll feel "alive" the rest of your life!! Good looking out for yourself!! Coming from fifty something who wished she got it in her 20's 30's 40's lol god bless you!! You probably dodged a bullet! You are young and wonderful, now with this guy gone, your open for greatness!! Blessings!!
Tinder dates rarely work. It's more like a hook-up app.
@@frankuvlkan u no gonna kill me oooo 🤣🤣🤣
@@DanielleFerreira-kt7ix He just wrote the same exact comment word for word including the “roses” copy/pasted to another woman above but “he normally doesn’t comment” oh ok. 👌🏻
Predatory behavior much?
I dont understand people that say we had a connection on only knowing someone an hour, a week , a month! A connection can be staged. Do people get confused with physical attraction and think that's a connection, a connection goes much deeper and takes longer to happen.
That's what limerence is about
Bless this woman ❤
Daniella, my heart goes out to you. Sending love from the US.
I think with the all pervading dating apps where everyone seems to simply play musical chairs, limerance is fast becoming a pandemic of some sort.
I think starting a relationship soon after a major trauma like what happened to this poor girl, I mean the war, grief, an illness, a serious life transition, you name it, is never a good idea. When you are kind of overwhelmed with stress, pain, insecurity, and on the top of that you had a traumatic childhood, you simply do not have the resources to "squander" in difficult periods. Maybe I'm mistaken, but in those periods it's better to steer clear of dating and to concentrate on yourself, your support system, and building up the essentials in your life: security, stability and peace.
It makes me sad that my only option is to not date or date lightly until Ive somehow managed to heal. I'm 35 and incredibly lonely. I go years without affection or even friends around. And then they slip through my fingers like sand. No one ever stays.
Totally explains me. At least now I know there is a name for it and I can do better next time. If I bother again.
I didn't have an alcoholic parent, just a nutter mother. I became obsessive about a man in another country. I knew him intimately for several days in my country. He kept writing and I just wanted to see him again. He felt the same but the tyranny of distance was too much. I knew no one in America and it was difficult to make it happen from Australia.
The movie Dumb and Dumber is a great example of limerence. (Not being insulting) .
I have come to realize I go a bit crazy when I am in a relationship, now I know why? Need to watch it multiply times to have it sink in
Dating and Relationships could be a great course for you! bit.ly/CCF-Dating
-Cara@TeamFairy
The child will little or no parenting/love will likely be a limerent susceptible individual. In this case, genetics has no truck and neither does alcohol or drugs.
Limerant ppl dont *really* want to be with their lo, I dont think. It's a distraction
I agree he saved her a lot of grief by not dating her... I imagine even though he knows he cannot heal her complex hurts he does wish her the best as she tries to heal.. I think if she finds a hobby that would be helpful too...
I wanted so much in life but I was to lazy and now I am old and very tired...I wanted to do big things like sport and art.
I wouldn't agree it comes from that described place, like difficult circumstances. It's logic and maybe mostly appears then but I have experience it when I met somebody being happy with my life, generally. I was obviously missing love and partner and the moment I involved myself more and he went more distant, here all started... Even i didn't want it, it's really strange kind of addiction. Break something in your soul at the end, you loose yourself somehow a bit 😢
I can't even the imagine the grief of having your country torn with war
Thank you, For your great advice & understanding !
I used to think of myself as very passionate, but maybe I was just Limerant/limerent
Ugh, this Anna subject is a painful one. As I'm right in the middle of a two year crumbing/clinching on the hope I can change enough for him to notice and then he will see how lovable I am.
This is me, now I know why I get like this every few years
Well, no other person can fix the hole in us. Yes, it's to much of a burdon to Most others. Even if they have problems/traumatic themes themselves.
Sometimes with luck, you meet a mire healthy person as you are and that wants to be with you and stay with you while you dive deep or get depressed again...
But often two wounded people meet and one or the other rans scared away once, when it is too much to handle.
This video came at the perfect time for me. It's so weird how guys will flirt with women and then not be honest That they have changed their mind. I wish they would just be honest with us
Guys like that just enjoy the flirting, it strokes their ego and they either don’t realise or care that it gives others the wrong impression.
I don’t have an alcoholic parent. I have cptsd from an authoritarian, fundamentalist Christian dad and a mom who gave up full custody of us to him because she had her own stuff to deal with (she left him for another woman but struggled to fully accept herself).
Well... at least it wasn't YEARs!❤
By the sounds of it, Hugo was goading her with his dishonesty 😅. He should've just said: "sorry I dont feel the same way" and stop talking to her. Or block. Whatever. Do not lead her on. He added to her trauma and that is on him.
My wife of 41 years died March 22 a month later a met a lady online . Turned out to be Limerence..
It's like a sick joke. The best feeling in the world attached to someone out of reach. Most therapists don't know about this which is unfortunate.
She is amazing
Thank you! :)
I don't do limerence for so much, i leave them but i keep attracting avoidants or narcissists. I guess im avoidant myself, disorganized. At 43 i just lost hope i mean always same pattern, ...i meditate a lot. I do want them but dont chase them anymore, its not so that being detached fixes it all. Its just fake interest from their side too, only when you detach. You really want mind games and conditioned love? I won't go as low ever again.
Instead think the universe has better things for you planned.... I dont double the universe's guidance anymore i pray. I couldn't but i prayed and I was released from limerence