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Any relationship whether in or out of the marriage takes work. The person you ultimately choose will be thoroughly imperfect; probably more imperfect than your second choice. If you are aware of this you will probably make it work but both parties need to be on the same page. I think these videos fail to address the taboo subject of how to make a new relationships work when a person leaves the marriage. They automatically labeled them as “doomed” to satisfy the masses and to dissuade those thinking about it. My advice is to not jump from one person to another. Give yourself time away from both persons and you will see where your heart truly is. Otherwise you will end up like this guy pathetically crawling back to his old wife.
I went through Limerance. I can't say there is anything positive about it except if you needed that to start a lengthy, enraging and painful path to self discovery.
This is how I wanted to feel a few months ago when I started seeing the signs on the wall. My ex husband showed a lot of disinterest in the relationship and I was really going to let them go if the wanted. unfortunately I was too curious to know what really happened and if there was something that could be fix in there. He was a gentleman and I trusted but he showed strong signs of infidelity and it made uncertain unwanted most of the time, i wanted to know. My friend told me it was possibe to find out everything without risks through phone spying. she introduced me to a guy " Binaryreap3r @ gmial com " who helped me spy on my ex's phone until I found out he was having a same-sex affair all along. I still let him go but I did that knowing I did nothing wrong.
My wife always love those romantic books like twilight. After 11 years of marriage and 2 toddlers, she cheated and wants to separate. We’re gonna separate but not legally since me and the kids need those military benefits. I have more hope now that I found about this thing called limerence that she’ll snap outta it. I’m not going to chase her, I’m gonna focus on me, be better and be the best for my kids. Thank you.
She's most likely in a mid life crisis and your right to back off and live the best life you can, work on yourself because we all need self reflection.
I'm also ex-military going through the same crap. I find that Tony Robbins and other motivational speakers on RUclips help, I started reading more going to church exercising and I'm also hoping I can salvage my marriage good luck.
My husband is military and left me for a young woman who was also military. I was devastated because not only did he leave, but, he made me look like the devil to everyone in his circle and family. Even those people at his job. No one was willing to help me. I was a stay-at-home wife and we had a one year old and I lived hours away from family and friends. I ended up moving out of the brand new house we had just purchased and back in with my parents. I was miserable because I didn't get the emotional support that I thought I would from family and friends. Their attitude was cheating and divorces happen everyday; just get over it and move on. I got no financial support from my husband, either. He and this person were living it up on money that should have been for our daughter. And to add insult to injury, the female would post horrible things about me and my family on social media and even called me to rub in the relationship she had with my husband. I was spent and depressed. But, I snapped out of it about a month after I found out about everything. I found a job, started exercising, and even joined a different branch of the military. I stopped focusing on what they were doing and focused on myself and my daughter. About a year later, I contact him about finishing divorce papers and he ends up apologizing for everything he had done in that phone conversation and asking me to take him back. It wasn't immediate, but, we eventually reconciled. So, Dr. Joe is right. It's not the easiest road to travel, but, if the spouse is genuine in wanting to work things out, it can become a better marriage. If you haven't already, watch the Marriage Helper videos, How To Bring Your Husband Back (which applies to wives, too) and My Spouse Had An Affair. They really helped me understand things better. Stay encouraged and focus on you and the kids.
@@ChrisBanda Keep the faith. Just know that, right now, taking care of you is key. It's easy to slip into a state of depression and continuously focus on them and what they are doing, but try to avoid that by keeping yourself busy. Find a new hobby or revisit an old one. Take a class, exercise, etc. Just do something that holds your interest. And if reconciliation does occur, know that it will take a whole lot of patience on both you and your partner's part. That old feeling won't happen over night, and, to be honest, may not ever happen. You are kind of rebuilding your relationship from the ground up. Everything will be new. They will have issues that only a professional can help them with and you as well. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to seek professional help now whether it's through Marriage Helpers or some other counselor. Just make sure they are well versed in dealing with infidelity. Not all counselors are. You need an outlet right now, though. Focus on you. What do you like to do? Where might you want to go? Take a road trip or buy a ticket and jump on a plane to a place you have never been. For me, it was Texas. I have a love for Texas now that I didn't before. That also where I ended up going to boot camp... But still love it.😄
My husband recently left me for his Limerent affair. I worked for over a year to convince him that our family, our life, our future, our love and friendship were worth fighting for. Everything described in this video is spot on. My husband literally thought he would die if he couldn't be with this woman, he vilified me, he will not listen to any of our family and friends who have told him he is making a huge mistake. He walked away from a beautiful life, our children, his friends and family, a beautiful future, and all that we had built in our marriage. We truly were each other's best friend. When she came along, she convinced him that our 25 year marriage and 35 year relationship was "stagnant" and that there was nothing more beautiful than a "fresh start." They were very clearly limerent for each other. She would stalk him, walking up and down our street just so he would see her when he came home. He lives with her now and our divorce is in progress. Someday, I know he will see the devastation that his has caused. It truly is a very high cost. Sadly, it is a cost that I have to pay along with all our family and friends. He has ruined everything with his decision to walk away and as this video concludes, this phase will not last.
The root of this seems insecurity, instability, and fear of abandonment. Also there is a projection onto the other person. It’s almost like a fantasy world that is desperate for coming into reality. It’s just intense infatuation.
Agreed. Underpinning all this is someone or two people with insecure attachment disorders. Securely attached individuals would not put themselves through this because they develop the skills to self sooth from lifes ups and downs 🙏🏼
Please understand that as hard as it is to believe, It can happen to anyone. The healthiest of minds can and may fall victim to limerence. Look at the person discussing the subject. He has a PhD in psychology and he was victim of it.
That’s not necessarily true in every case. I’ve experienced limerence and it was because I thought I had met my soulmate but the person didn’t reciprocate the love that I felt for them. It was devastating when they didn’t turn out to be who I thought they were!
Where were you guys 25 years ago when limmerance caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life by leaving my family for someone I was “madly” in love with? This is great work. Thank you for doing these videos.
We are married 40 years . I was thinking retire travel chill get ready to help community. While I stepped away to care for dad and help him at his passing husband got involved with his employee. He thinks she like very honest and decent and will put her hands in fire for him. I turned to faith and connecting with our God. Well. Our daughter showed him her poses on instagram promoting herself w A lot of followers. He is wise so he is fighting it. God is working so fast that he is walking close to faith and freeing himself from the blindfold..FIGHT WITH FAITH BE RIGHTEOUS AND GOD WILL GIVE YOU STRENGTH TO ENDURE THE OUCOME!
@@the1337fleet The suffering does end. I'm coming out of limerence right now and I feel sooo foolish. My sense of reality kicked in and I realized this isn't a good way to live and I deserve better. All the time I've wasted ticks me off because I finally realized how futile my love for him is/was. There's no way he can realistically be mine and I know now I don't want to be his as I have MANY flaws on many levels and I don't wish to burden him. He lives a charmed life and I don't wish to jeopardize that for him. I love him enough to leave him be. Even though I will always love and care for him--he belongs to another, I get that now. She is better for him more than I could ever be. It's time to release.... 💔
@@R3VIV3YOU Oh how I wish I could and if he didn't have a gorgeous wife and sweet kiddies, I would! I know we only live once but I'll have to live without him. He's too good for me anyways. His life is perfect and so are his kids and wife-I can't compare to that. Thanks for the encouragement, though, your very sweet!
Our society validates and encourages this kind of intensity in films and media in general. Many people come from dysfunctional families and have no idea what "normative" love even looks like. Isn't being "in love" in itself a kind of madness? If someone who has studied all the kinds of love and knew what limerence is was able to fall under its sway, how do the rest of us avoid that?
Love evolves and changes , I was married for 47 years before he died , I realised as we aged that we were very best friends and that was love. Love is looking after your husband when he's got dementia and basically left me. But that Love is still inside you, I did miss the physical side of love , but that companionship is missed more than you can bear
Bless you. I saw that in my Dad as my Mum deteriorated with vascular dementia. She eventually passed of kidney failure in 2019. He went to see her every day of the two months she was in hospital. And he'll be 98 next month. Still takes a taxi on his own to his appointments. I wish you well.
Limerance is one of the most agonizing horrible things I think I've ever experienced it literally rips your goals and motivations from your life and replaces them with an obsession with someone you can't be with keep in mind it really is something you have no control over what's even worse is seeing the lo completely fine like nothing is even happening
@@samia6888 I don’t have it anymore and things got so much better since than this was years ago I think I was just going through a bad heartbreak at the time and it was really hard.
What’s worse is when ur lo is in a relationship and ur watching their partner be happy and in love going on dates, getting flowers, while ur dying inside 🥲
Excellent videos! My five-year relationship came to an end a month ago. The love of my life chose to leave, and I can't stop thinking about him; I love him so deeply. I've done everything I can to win him back, but nothing seems to work. I'm feeling frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my efforts to move on, I just can't shake the thoughts of him. I don't know why I'm sharing this, but I really miss him
It's tough to let go of someone you care about. I can relate, my 12year relationship also ended, and I struggled to move on. I tried everything to get him back, even seeking help from a spiritual counselor who ultimately helped me reconnect with him
i'm so glad there's someone talking about these issues, it feels like limerence is its own epidemic. i believe that when you feel this limerence toward someone they usually represent a part of yourself or your past that you haven't accepted.
Hi Caitlin! I'm in limerence as well and have been in it for almost a year now. Please explain what you mean by your comment? Thanks for the clarification!
gypsy certainly! I’ve conquered the limerence feelings now and can quickly shake them off. If you’re feeling limerence it’s usually because you’ve had some kind of attachment trauma in your childhood that you’re trying to resolve via another person. In my case, my father is narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. So I tend to become obsessed with men who also have those traits and want to ‘win’ their affection to prove I’m loveable. I felt this attraction to other people even though I’m currently in a really loving wholesome relationship. I would always try to sabotage that good relationship because it just didn’t feel ‘right’. (If you’re in this situation google ROCD). The problem was that I felt inherently unloveable and so couldn’t actually accept love when I had it, I always felt like I had to chase it. The solution is to consciously understand this and choose to believe you are inherently loveable and consciously choose loving relationships. You should also search on RUclips for ‘Teal Swan - Attraction (why you are attracted to the people you’re attracted to)’. Actually, any videos by her lol, she’s improved my life vastly.
@@dotdot4895 What you say makes a lot of sense and I will follow it for sure! Thanks for the info on Teal Swan-I will do some research and hope to heal myself. I have felt unloved as a child and now unwanted as a woman so I'm attracted to a certain type of male as well. I have limerence for a certain man and I know nothing will come of it so I'm trying to ween myself off of him. I know this is not healthy so I am searching for all the advice I can. Thanks again for your time and I pray your life continues on a positive path!
I experienced this in my life and almost lost my marriage of 27 years. Dr Joe is dead on in his description and effects of limerence in your life, I could no longer function and became someone that I did not know. Good news is my wife and I reconciled 8 months ago and with the support of our family & faith have made great strides in our marriage.
Limerence is absolutely real. I watched my wife go through it. It broke my heart watching her turn into a different person. Dr. Beam is on point! I promise you your spouse will be back one day!! Trust me! I didn't believe it myself. Be patient and work on yourself. Pull them back...if that's what you want - you've got this.
What I get from this video is that limerence is being obsessed and/or infatuated with the other person. Such feelings are unhealthy and I second you for saying that they never last.
Ditto! For me too, great timing & possible game changer. If you can see it for what it is & understand the logic (& science) behind it, processing it all becomes a much different experience.
Everything he says is true. I’ve only been in these types of relationships. They aren’t lasting. I’m in the process of healing from the inside to make better choices AFTER I’m healed.
Thank you Dr. Joe, my husband had limerence for a year or two. I know he thought he was in love... and it hurts but i thank God i have faith. I showed love and compassion all the more. After 3 years, he told me "i am so glad we never got divorce"... if you initiated divirce at that that i would take it! Yes, fatal attraction will past and soon they will realize how foolish they were... if you are a spouse of the one who is having a limerence affair "do not pay back evil with evil" pay back evil with good, pay back with acts of love but don't let him/her abuse you. Draw boundaries. Work on yourself and be the bigger person. One day you'll look back in amazement on how things turned out...
Wais Na Misis thank you for your words of encouragement. I am going through this now. My husband is having an affair, wants a divorce & seems obsessed. He is never home, will leave without even saying goodbye to our children and come home late. This week I stopped trying anything to fix our marriage. I am just being pleasant while putting myself & our children first. My heart aches but I will no longer cater to him. I am praying 🙏🏽
Venus Washpun that’s tough. Although I have known some women who were able to look past that. If you can’t, the best thing to do is to protect your heart and let go.
Losing a marriage of 22 years due to husband in limerance. I also choose to show compassion and love as I could see right away that my husband wasn’t “normal”. We’ve been separated for 10 months now and will be divorced end of July if he doesn’t come to his senses. 😬🙏
Limerence is a reaction to lacking the impulse to resist lusting after a feeling you want to feel. All while dealing with the emotional highs and lows of this thing called life. Many are never satisfied. So they put themselves in the best position to create the opportunity to come into the lustful feeling they long for. Regardless to honoring a previous commitment.
I learned about Limerence about 5 years ago and it explained SO MUCH. It was part of my awakening to my own faults and tendencies. I experienced limerence at least twice during my marriage, and I wasn’t able to be open and communicative with my own, actual husband about what was going on. We now are divorced, for that and other reasons. Limerence is completely real, and completely false. Please spread the word about it, because so many suffer the effects without knowing why.
Limerence is basically being addicted to a person. Period. I speak from experience. Also, limerence CAN last a lifetime, if it’s unreciprocated, which actually is most of the time because unreciprocated limerence is more common than the reciprocated one. And a lot more serious, since you’re addicted to someone you can’t be with.
My 19.5 year marriage, 24 year relationship, was sacrificed on the altar of my ex's limerence for a woman he wouldn't even like under normal circumstances. (I'm pretty sure she thinks he's a fool and is only using him as a fun distraction.) In his mind, what he feels for her is the real deal and our 24 years together were a lie. (They weren't.) He told lie after lie in an attempt to justify his vile actions and make himself the hero of a delusional epic fantasy. He's the only person in the world who can't see the reality of the situation. Early on, her own brother tried to talk him out of it because he believes his sister is bad news. Interestingly, my ex seemed to come to his senses for a few weeks this summer and talked to me about how special our relationship had been (it was) and how badly he had messed things up (he had). Her sister told him how glad she was, for his sake, that he had broken it off. Turns out, the woman he believed to be the love of his life had been living with another guy the entire time. Eventually, though, he fell back into it. He's never been good at dealing with uncomfortable emotions and I assume facing the truth was too heavy a burden. It was easier for him to go back to believing she's the only woman he's ever loved than to face reality. He wants so badly to be the star of The World's Greatest Love Story (frankly, I think he already had been, with me) but he's really the star of an all too common run-of-the-mill tragedy and he only has himself to blame.
I'm sorry you're going through this but it DOES get better. When I found out that he was "in love for the first time in his life" (lol), everything I had ever known to be true was thrown into question. I felt like I had been forced into a parallel universe where some of the best people I knew were now hateful monsters. I struggled for a long time but am much much better. I focus on what is possible for my life now that he is no longer dragging me down. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will be okay. @@thebeecubed
Me and my wife both went through it. And it took these guys here to save my marriage. Been the best marriage the last 3 years ever. I'm glad I paid to attend there workshop. It opened so many omg moments. Pointed out where we both went wrong. And while we left without each other holding hands lol. It took the work of continuing what they taught us. And when 1 would give up the other took over until we both were in the same level. And now it's been perfect. We sure would love to return to tenn and be a couple that assist with others. Marriage helper 911 saved my family.
By watching this I learned when your married always give your all. Keep doing the things that was done in the beginning of the relationship keep kissing, keep hugging , keep telling her how beautiful she or he is, because some things you want realize until it’s to late. Today She will tell me who she wants to be with, either way I’m gonna keep my head high. Because you may lost a life BUT YOU STILL HAVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!
Limerent love starts to decline when you start to see the other person's faults which is inevitable as you live closely with each other. Have you seen her sitting on the toilet bowl, for instance? Or have you seen him cleaning his nose with his pinky? Did you see the name of her ex tattooed on her buttocks? Did you have a sleepless night because his snore could be heard a block away? All of these faults come into view as you develop closeness. Your prince becomes a toad, and your princess becomes a hag.
That was deep, where was this video when I was going through that. I actually got over it by realizing that I had placed the person on a pedestal that he was not worthy of being on. I fell out of limerance last week just like that. I didn't understand it, but now it makes sense. Thank you for shedding light on this limerance.
I’ve never had a relationship with a partner based on Love. I’ve only just realised that this is what I’ve been doing to myself. I’ve definitely experienced limerence in every single relationship. The last one was the worst I’ve experienced becoming very toxic
My feeling of limerance lasted 5 years. Passionate, a rollercoaster of emotions. I was crying half the time....and when my husband told me he wasn't in love with me...it hit me. He's not perfect, I thought he was a saint. I sacrificed my own career. I gave it all! Anyway, I am slowly finding who I am. We are still married though it's not looking too good. I have decided to develop personally before anything else. So, as a couple we agreed to give ourselves 1 year of getting to know each other, work on ourselves and be better parents. That's the best I can think of at this time ...it really is difficult to be rational when all I did was go off of my emotions ...thank you Dr.
I had no idea. Amazing and absolutely true. I am going through the end result. Realizing what it is doesn’t make it any easier to deal with but it does help.
Wow! This word describes the intensely, magnetic feelings, my husband and I had for one another 10 years ago!! What’s crazy, is it’s still there...whether unhealthy or healthy for us, we stick together
Your situation is rare! Limerence doesn't turn into real true love and a lasting marriage very often! Congratulations! Enjoy your good fortune and blessing!
Currently, my husband is in limerence ,the way Dr Joe describe it is exactly how he is acting. He left our family and live with someone else. He bought a lot, he get all our money, etc..(good that I have job to support our kids) Thank you Sir.. It will not last but i still remember how he made plans for their affair and how he betrayed us.... We need to move on, time will heal. I already made steps to migrate to other country (with my children) so painful that i think its the only way to forget things So help me God.
Well done- only people with understanding will hear what your saying - lots of lost people put there, actually lots of sick people out there, to be healthy is to live in truth and honesty
I was going through a difficult time with the loss of my dog, both my parents died 4 days apart, job and financial issues - this led to depression ,stress, Anxiety. My Fiance felt unloved and turned her heart to another man who himself just gone through a break up. They definitely have limerence towards each other. They are both rebounding, it will not work. So I sit back and wait for them to understand this, which they will. My Fiance has low self esteem and needs constant and needy signs of physical affection. As hard as it is I just let her go to find this out for herself. They need to figure it out for themselves. It's easy to have feelings of panic and grief. But be patient and look inward at things you need to work on yourself. She will be back and I will accept her. Love is kind, love is patience, love is not jealous, love will not keep a record of wrongdoing.
Thanks so much for this article. Not heard of limerence until a couple of months ago. That is when I found out what I was experiencing now for about 6 months. It was awful. My marriage and relationship with the Lord was more important. I continue to stand in prayer and the word of God to defeat the feelings.
He's like a wise, jolly grandad. Love this guy! Just reading Tennov's book now. Illuminating. My past/youth was definitely spent being addicted to the state of Limerence, mistaking it for love. I even wrote a list just now. Fourteen different LO's. (Limerence Objects) in my 38 year old lifetime. Some reciprocated, some not. Some still close friends to this day. Some beautiful, and worth the fight. Others unattractive, both on the outside and the in. The mind boggles and I'm confused to this day as to why I spent so much time obsessing over these people. One thing is for certain, it was the feelings I was addicted to and not the person. Something was missing, broken, or not formed yet in me. For anyone suffering from this still, please listen to the man above and question this all-consuming, anti-productive state you're in. It's a false reality, a heavy delusion. Now I'm grounded and my love is pure and fresh, unconditional. Limerence should be taught in schools and brought to the public eye much more, and The Sorrows of Young Werther will be sorry no more. Ha. Thanks. Much LOVE to you all.
I'm not even halfway done with this video but I'm already breathing, sighing intensely and reading all the comments on how I could relate because of how eye-opening this is...and the difficult journey that is to come when discovering u have this, and it needs to stop. Praying we all get there peacefully, however long it takes... 🙏
I've had limerance for three years for the same person. Even when we weren't talking I thought about him a lot of the time. Even though I hate myself and I know I don't deserve him I long for him. I start panicking when I say something wrong. There's never been someone like him.
This is, bar none, the single most accurate overview of limerence that exists on RUclips. Thank you tremendously for posting it and for helping so many of us out substantially as a result. 🙏🏻
Soooo good, Joe! Thank you for posting. People need to know this before they marry and before they take it too far and divorce. We've been fed lies that feeling like you are "in love" is true love. But true love is self sacrificial.
I have been in this kind of situation for about three months. My wife is aware and indeed she has done a lot to help me come out of the situation. Truly it doesn't las.
This is exactly how my wife suddenly does. After 22 year relationship, including 15 year marriage and 2 lovely children she became 2 years ago more than in love with this other man and she said "her soul is ripped out" when she's not with him. Now we're close to divorce and really hope this intense feelings stop before the divorce is final. It's so incredible painful but now I finally have an explanation and really really thank you for this explanation Joe. The only thing is, although I still love her very much, that I don't know very well how to talk with her because on many occasions I wished she left my live for good after all the mean things she said and done.
Remember, if your divorce gets final before your spouse gets out of the limerence, and you still love and want to salvage your relationship, you can remarry. But seek help from Marriage Helper for guidance.
I am going through this right now with my wife. It is killing me but due to Marriage Helper I am standing by our marriage. I still love her more than anything.
One other thing worth mentioning - limerence (and all the crazy drama that goes with it) is a very insecure, selfish kind of love. That is why it differs from true love. My one concern moving forward is that the last thing I want to be with a future partner is a burden to her. That is why I am waiting before jumping back into dating. And for those folks who are screaming “stay away from married people”, well, you are 100% right! Because all of that has cost not only me but my two daughters (which I am pretty sure I will get full custody of).
I live in the area and I wish I could have a live counseling session with this guy. Limerence has been running my life since I was a child, and now that I know what limerence actually is, I feel almost cheated by myself, like I have never made a positive decision in my life for ME before, that it's always been for my "limerent objects". Every 2 years or so I will try to leave whoever I am with for a LO. I need to break the cycle!
I am so glad i found this channel Dr. Beam. This is really helping me know that i made a good decision by choosing our marriage. All the fantasies, day dreaming, and low productivity were starting to affect my daily activities.
Dear doctor, this is by far the best explained Limerence video on youtube. Thank You so much. I only found about about the psychological definition of “limerence” because I was trying to explain what I felt, so I researched on the internet until I found a close definition which corresponds to my feelings. I would like to share my limerence story (which I am still in and it’s hell on earth). I was in a relationship which I considered perfect, everything was so intense, our deep connection: we were not only physically attracted to each other but also mentally, spiritually, something I never felt with anyone on earth before. And apart from that, we a built such a loving and respectful relationship, which is maybe the most difficult thing to achieve when two souls love each other. And I’m not talking about the initial infatuation, where everything is wonderful and shiny. I’m talking about having a routine with your partner, the daily routine, where couples usually fall apart and become less romantic, we were growing together and became more and more attached to each other. We lived together and created such a strong “unity” built on love and respect. No swear words ever, no yelling, no jealousy, no conflicts. Yes you might think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. It's the truth. I had never experienced before what’s it like if you've found “that other half” or the love of your life. It’s really difficult to match with someone, even more if you set high standards and are very sensitive about anything like me. So yes, at the age of 33 years I found this true love. And not only that, we created this perfectly functional relationship and yet somehow I felt it was “too good to be true”, so good that I felt so much fear only by thinking that he might lose interest in me. Those fears grew and finally, I ran away. Literally. I took my stuff and I ran away and now he doesn’t pardon me for what I did, because I didn’t do it only once. I did it four times. The other three times he accepted me and told me that I should control my fears and my inner conflicts. Until then I didn’t even consider therapy, I didn’t even think that something might be wrong with “the way I loved him”. I had never heard about limerence. I really had no idea. I thought that love and fear were two feelings glued to each other, because if I have no fear of losing that person, I am definitely not in love, right? So anyways. I ran away because my mind created such a strong image of myself suffering if he would break up with me at some point in the future, so that I preferred to end this relationship out of the blue. And it really was out of the blue, because the night before, we spent the most beautiful night together, everything was romantic, it was just us two at home drinking wine and listening to music while looking at each other and saying how much we loved each other. It was so intense. I would describe that moment one of the “wholest” emotional moments in my entire life, due to its simplicity: I was with the person I loved. I was enjoying that moment, no fireworks, no glitter, just us together. Our relationship created so much happiness in me, that I was focussing on “what if he ends it?”. My psychologist told me about “self fulfilling prophecy” and yes, that was exactly what happened to me. My mind began to use any gesture, any sentence, any rejection to create and feed these negative imaginary thoughts of him breaking up with me. Doctor, I can so rely to the part when you said that you go from ecstasy to misery within seconds. I felt this many times during the day. Any comments started an emotional rollercoaster. I felt this especially during sex. The times I felt rejected, I would wait until he fell asleep and then cry all night long laying next to him. On the other hand, when we had sex, I was in heaven, but this amazing feeling also set pressure on me, because I tried to please him so much. I was more preoccupied with him enjoying me than me enjoying him, that pressure lead to sexual disfunction. How was it possible that I was sharing bed with the love of my life, but I wasn’t working sexually because I was too nervous? And that lead to more insecurity. Any rejection was analised by my powerful mind. Any word. Any subtle sentence and I thought to myself “Oh damn, you didn’t function properly last night in bed, today he doesn’t want to have sex with you because he is tired, but all he does is lying or trying not to hurt you because in reality he is losing interest in you”. Instead of talking about my fears (and he always offered me to talk about everything), I wasn’t able to express my fears. As a hyper sensitive person, I try to avoid conflicts at any costs, and even if there wasn’t any conflict involved, just by having a conversation, my mind pre-created his reaction to exposing my fears. I always thought that as soon as I started talking about my insecurities, he would tell me that he doesn’t want an insecure boyfriend, that he doesn't want that kind of responsibility. To break this vicious circle, I didn’t see any solution. I was frustrated, and I ran away. It’s the biggest regret in my life. Because I thought I’d feel peace at some point, but all I feel is pain and guilt. Now I have to deal with all of those “imaginary nightmares” I had before, of him falling in love with someone else, etc. And I created this scenario!!! It’s literally a self fulfilling prophecy. While we were together, instead of focussing on us and everything we had created together, and our future plans, all I did focussed on were fears and more fears. Fears of losing him. Fears of him breaking up with me. Fear of losing that amazing relationship. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of rejection. Why did I focus on that? I gave all those negative thoughts so much power, that they started to dominate me. Now 6 months have passed by and I am thinking about him and us and our past 90% during my day. I try to distract myself, but any emotion leads me to “us” again. I don’t enjoy sex with anyone else. It hurts. It’s a torture. As soon as I touch anyone, I can’t disconnect and my mind tricks me and so many hurtful images pop up about him having sex with other guys. Even non sexual situations such as having coffee with a friend of mine don’t distract me, I don’t feel that I’m present in that moment. My mind takes me to “him” again. “How would this situation be enjoying a coffee with him now, as we always did while we were together”. That strong feeling inside of me, feels now like I an emotional cancer I’m carrying around to any place I go. I travelled. I went to parties. I surrounded myself by many people. Those are all just distractions. No cure. My love for him will always exist. The Pain is the price I am paying for losing control to my fears. I lost the love of my life. I lost a loving and harmonic relationship. I lost a deep connection. And I need to accept the fact that this kind of love only happens once in life. I know everyone is trying to help me and tells me that it’s just a matter of time to fall in love again. It's uplifting, but, I know myself and I know that there exist unique emotional links to people during your lifetime. Your family (you were born with and couldn’t choose) and the love of your life (the one you were lucky enough to find). I found and lost this person. I won’t ever love anyone as much as I loved him. I might find someone to “distract” myself from the pain. But I will never find true love again in anyone, no matter if someone tells me that there are 6 billions of people on this earth, that doesn’t mean a thing. You don’t feel a strong connection with anyone just because there are 6 billion people out there. I found love, even if that love was limerence and came with fear, but I loved and now all that’s left is PAIN. The anti depressants help me to avoid panic attacks. I never had panic attacks in my life before. Me running away created a life changing event, it became a trauma. I depend on anti depressants in order to get up and smile. I can even be cheerful again, but I need to suppress any memory of us, any emotion that takes me back to us, it’s really hard. It becomes my daily exercise: suppressing. Any emotions triggers a memory or triggers what I feel for him. There are days were I struggle and I want to end this. I still cry every day. All I do is want to sleep because I dream of us. He appears on all of my dreams. Mostly us together again. Then I wake up and have to face reality. I don't even know where I am heading to in life. I lost my purpose, my goal. Our goal in life should be happiness right? So what does make me happy? I have no idea. You could give me a million dollars right now and I wouldn't feel happiness. Money can't turn back time. Nothing will fill tis emotional gap. I hope I might suffer less in future. Maybe I might be able to "silence" this feeling, but I know it will always be a part of me, as the language you learn and never forget. It's something within you, you can't separate yourself from. I had to share my pain. Thanks for reading.
I highly doubt that my request shall be accepted, but can we be friends? I know this is strange but I think I can relate with you to a great extent and it is very rare for me. Not by experiences but psychologically I think we make a good match. Anyways. Don't be bothered. Happy to know that people like me exist.
i know it's hard, but what you're doing is giving in to another fear, the fear of not finding another person to love. so don't. accept that you won't love someone the same way, but trust that you will love again, and maybe this is for the best. find ways to stop giving in to the same mental loopholes that keep you in this thinking. and as cheesy as it sounds, love yourself enough to stop this toxic cycles. peace and love
I believe my ex-wife is curently in limerance for a man she met after our divorce. I really feel like she is vilifiing me. She's said that she was never happy with me, she was never all that attracted to me, there was never any intimacy between us, and for the most part she's been putting the blame on me. We're trying to work on reconciliation right now, but it's been really frustrating hearing those things while remembering her being happy at times in our marriage. It sometimes feels like our entire relationship was a lie. This video gives me hope that this viliniazation will eventually go away and she can remember that it wasn't all bad between us. Thank you!
I had a unique experience with limerence, where I was in limerence with two people. I stayed with the one I fell for first because I thought I was being sensible and I thought it was romantic to stay with my first young love. Long story short, I was stuck with him for 12 miserable years and I shouldn't have been with either of them. I'm now with someone who I believe will make me happy after the limerence disappears and I am currently the happiest I've ever been. It is always wise to take a step back and think outside of your feelings, life is too precious to waste with someone who is not suitable for you.
I appreciate your honesty in describing your own relationship mistakes or periods of not quite thinking logically. It takes a big person to admit that they made a mistake and hurt the people you love. I’m glad things worked out for you in the long run and hope that your children can come to understand that you’re not only their father but are a human who goes through things in life that you don’t always know how to navigate or look at objectively.
Yes, I also have a lot of respect for his humble & transparent approach💞 Feels very healing & I imagine so nourishing for his kids to witness. So grateful for this channel, through so many years of my own heartbreak/cycles in "love." 🙏
True love comes from living life together and caring and being respectful to each other long term and that's where true love comes from, It develops over time.
I am currently experiencing this with my spouse. She is going to be moving out next week to be with her LO. Thank you Dr. Beam and Kimberley. Your videos are helping me to deal with this and understand that it may not be the end of our marriage. I am working on my PIES, and staying calm. Thank you, again.
I went through limerance with my husband at the start of our relationship. It was so intense. The strongest I think I've ever felt. In the past it had gotten me into really, really, really bad situations. And i aleays regretted acting on my limerance. But through therapy, I've learned to harness it for good (through creative writing). Going to therapy and working through limerance is what saved my relationship with my husband. He is an amazing, sweet, kind, protective man. And i was lucky to have found him.
Thank you for sharing this insightful video. The way you described limerence really captures the essence of this challenging mental disorder. I can relate to your experience, as I have been dealing with it for almost five years. However, I am glad to say that each day, the intensity of it diminishes. It has been akin to idolatry for me. My ultimate goal is to overcome it entirely and cultivate a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship. Here's to hoping for that day to come soon.
I’ve experienced limerence and I can honestly say it was the most painful experience I’ve ever gone through in my life. I had this intense and immediate connection with someone that I thought I had met my soulmate but this person turned out to be a total fake and it devastated me. I don’t which it upon anyone unless the love you feel for someone is reciprocated. It’s been over 2 1/2 yrs and I’m in a happy relationship with an amazing guy but I’m still not over the guy that I had that intense connection with!
This is happening to me right now. She moved away after months of intense romance because of education. Its only been a few weeks and shes already talking to me less. I feel used and I feel like I want to die. I don't get it. She literally said she loved me and wants to spend her life with me.
This is why it's not a good idea to spend too much time with people you feel drawn to. If you are married. Especially if you are married. I don't carelessly hug men or pour out my troubles on them to trigger their "white knight". I'm sure it's painful for all people involved. So why put everybody through it?
Kimberley Hembree I completely agree with you. When in a committed relationship, on which one spent significant time and energy to reach the level of commitment, it makes more sense to prioritize what one has with his/her partner, be realistic that pursuing such an attraction can be costly and make the decisions that would have positive effects on one’s partner and relationship.
Thank you for your video explaining this. I’m single and I’ve been dealing with limerance for one person for the last 3 years and quite honestly, it’s exhausting. He’s hot and cold so yes, it’s a roller coaster. My logic is that I’m wasting my time and I’m trying to move on especially by focusing on the fact that 1) I don’t think he’s good for me, and 2) I keep trying to remind myself that he’s got flaws I’m not attracted to. It’s up and down. He gives me any attention and I’m right back to daydreaming and longing. It’s driving me crazy.
This is a great video and has helped me so much, thank you. I went through limerence 20 years ago and thought I'd never move on, but after a while I did. Now I am experiencing limerence again (towards a different person) it helps to know this feeling too will pass.
I have been through it and your video has truly been blessings for me and my marriage. I have been bold enough to call it off! Count the cost baby and it's bit worth it a single bit.
More courage to you Ssebbo. May God heal and restore you. Be gentle and kind to your spouse who has to forever live with a broken part of herself. Mukama wakisa era wabuyinza. 🙏
Thank you. I had a few emotional affairs and limerent episodes. This is a great video. I'm working on my issues now in recovery. Thank you for helping us.
I had strong limerence throughout my entire life and throughout my 20 year marriage. My husband finally left (I villainized him that last finally time and I convinced myself it was justified, so I too went along with the separation thought it was killing me inside). So we separated and my object of limerence fell away and I began to despise him, but my husband was determined by that point and already with another woman and we ended up divorced. I’d give anything to have my marriage back now, with a sober mindset but it’s been almost three years. It feels like he’s died, I never see him but am always in contact about my daughter. I’m not dating and have no desire to be part of anything limerent, it now disgusts me. I only want my husband back and I still love him. He is still with the other woman. Your advice is welcome
As a person with cptsd and a fearful avoidant attachment system, I have experienced limerance many times… it has taken deep self awareness and shadow work, parenting myself to identify this tendency and consciously choose to vet both people and my own emotions in relationships.
Limerence is what I call the honeymoon period. Limerence is the reason for a lot of miserable marriages. As soon as the honeymoon period is over.... life begins. This is when people wake up and wish they never married that person.
I agree. It’s kinda of scary but I guess you hv to marry based on the true love qualities like compatibility, friendship etc vs just emotions & physical attraction. It also makes me question monogamy
Glam You Girl Because you "have to" be monogamous, limerence is a threat to your relationship and seen as something bad. It would be far more practical to have someone you can love, trust and be with, Building live, raising kids etc but that one would let you be free to enjoy those feeling to that other person, reality will always kick in and you would never leave the person who gave you the possibility to explore enjoy life. You just love them more because of it. For me, that's true love.
That’s interesting,I think I have experienced Limerence a number of times,as I am currently battling on keeping marriage no 3,and maybe this marriage was my limerence and this wasn’t to be ouch,a very interesting notion,maybe my wife was in limerence with me 24 years ago
Jennifer, I am sorry , limerence goes beyond the honeymoon period, It is bigger than that. If it is unrequited, I have seen limerence last thus far 30 years. I am sure it last longer. Especially if there is distance between 'the one in limerence' and the other.
i also thought it was impossible but i will always miss him for ever and will be emotionally affected from this rejection, i will always shed tears out of this
Could it be possible that the person who leaves their spouse while experiencing Limerance is the only one feeling that, & how often is it just a turn on for the other person involved. I mean it's got to be quite an ego booster to know that you were able to lead someone away from thier spouse.
I’ve been going through this over 10 yrs…she blocks me instead of talking to me about what it is and how we could fix the problem. I’m married and that’s not working but the obsession is real when it comes to the person I’m in limerance with!! I hope this end it comes and goes!!!
Unfortunately my wife had limerence and it's going close to 3 and a half years and she still thinks about him. Not only did she fall in love but she had for fairs trying to forget the lover meanwhile pushing me away and making me feel like I was doing something wrong. She finally confessed that she had an affair first it was one person and then she confessed it was 3 and then 5 and I have grieved I have gone through the emotional rollercoaster questioning my whole existence I really admire what you guys are doing I was just about to quit but you've given me New Hope and I will hang in there and do some of the things you've recommended the push smart concept I laugh because I was doing all the opposite and through the murky Waters I started doing physical emotional spiritual intellectual healing which made me smile because I'm doing something right.
Sucks to hear this man I'm going thru the very same my wife of 23 years cheated on me 3 times and one person very close and dear to me it destroyed me to the point of self harming but I was giving a second chance in my darkest moment and as the regret to my choice filled me with total fear of the loss and pain I'd be leaving my children, something i can't explain I only know I was set free of my choice and I swore to be better for my children of course my wife so lost in limerance continued to hurt me but I pushed no matter wat she thru at me and all I told her every time she cursed me or hated me was in time he will hurt u in ways I never have she damned and praised him to me thru him in my face all the way I stayed faithful in love with her damaged and broken as to why she could do this to us one day she broke me in to a million pieces and I told her wat I'd attempted to do 3 months prior she was extremely sad and hurt with herself that she felt as if she'd driven me to that point and she had so much guilt I finally after 9 months seen a glimpse of my wife she hated wat she'd done by cheating but admitted she was in love with the other gentleman I believe somewhere she opened up to him about wat I'd done and as well as my two younger of three children with her last her to come stay with me as I moved out and he moved in but for 6 months my children wouldn't speak with her it finally broke her the choices she made I'm sad to say it didn't end with a happy ending she and her lover after wat I understand come to an agreement to try and make the transition in life as to be friends and give it time to do it properly and allow me and my children time figure out wat would be best for us as a family so he left our once home but he had many issues of loving his one true love and wife who he cheated on and she divorced him and never looked back this left him broken for love but limerance is something different than what wen mix's with depression and many feeling of abandonment wen he could not be with my wife he became very unpredictable and more needy of her braking the rules and come over to see her just purely stalker mode she explained to me that he had been abondoned by his mother and he's father gave him to a previous wifes sister as he was widowed so he had problems so she e said her good byes an made it final and official they spent hours crying in our drive way it was 9:30 a.m. he left and at around 5p.m. the eveing he texted her he was sorry forgive him and it came with his goodbye suicide not immediately she broke down I grabbed my keys and trying to calm her told her we're would he go were would he be she told me about 5 miles down the road from our home their special place I called 911 and rushed there other wanting to really get they're for fear of wat it would do to her but I needed to try and save him as I was saved but it's with a heavy heart I say today with some guilt and shame humbled I could not save him he had hung himself and had been there for more than an hour it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with if losing my wife and her cheating broke me I believed was my end I was wrong iv had to watch her slowly lose her mind at the lose she took I can say with him I was worried he had her not just a one night stand she loved him and to find him hanging after having to leave him and them feeling broken hearted it destroyed her beyond wat she did to me now I have to live with the fear every day I must checking in on her every hour on the hour since September 1. 2018 so I know all to well how it hurts hopefully and positive that life's worth it man and let it work it self out. God bless
@@frankm6124 no. stop. she never cared about you. what are you checking in on her for? was she checking up on you when she slept around? was she thinking about your family when she had multiple men inside of her? fxxk her. let her live with her consequences. focus on you and the kids. she made her bed. go live your life. you aren’t bound to that trash.
Thanks, I saw your clip last year and I can only wish your clip was the first video on RUclips that I ever saw. Would've saved myself some embarrassing situations and also being a nuisance to a few women as well. Limerence or love that you can feel in the chest physically was (out of good will) very mistakenly taught to me as wholesome, and it took 17 years to finally get educated about it properly and see it for what it is.
Spot on!! I was in a bad relationship, a person always screwed me over but I will always make an excuse for them. Open my eyes to know my self worth, my life has been a lot more peaceful. New subbie! Really enjoyed your video.
Hello Joe. My wife and I met you in Hawaii in 1999. She passed on in 2022. FYI she visited me in dreams, gave me knowings, provided needed help, played jokes, made choices and answered questions in the year following her death, all of which were intended to lead me to the woman she found suitable for my second wife. Living in team with Holy Spirit, guardian angels, loving family spirits is beautiful and joyous.
I think I had this recently happen with my husband of 29 years. We were mostly distant emotionally for our entire marriage, but I became really honest about how desperately lonely I was and then he was tender towards me for the first time and I fell hopelessly in love with him. It was/is ecstasy. I thought I was having a mental breakdown over the highs and some lows with him. I’m not sure if it’s limerance or not, but I can barely eat or sleep and I’m always fantasizing about him, but we’re faithfully committed and it’s the most amazing gift I’ve ever received, I thank the Lord Jesus every day for this unimaginable gift. If it’s something that most marriages have , then I was oblivious to such a beautiful thing existing!
Very interesting video and really help me to relieve my pains dealing with my cheated hubby.I confidence that my hubby is this limerence state and really hurt me before I m listening to wonderful video.May this video will help others like me to move on with their daily life.God Bless.
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Any relationship whether in or out of the marriage takes work. The person you ultimately choose will be thoroughly imperfect; probably more imperfect than your second choice. If you are aware of this you will probably make it work but both parties need to be on the same page.
I think these videos fail to address the taboo subject of how to make a new relationships work when a person leaves the marriage. They automatically labeled them as “doomed” to satisfy the masses and to dissuade those thinking about it. My advice is to not jump from one person to another. Give yourself time away from both persons and you will see where your heart truly is. Otherwise you will end up like this guy pathetically crawling back to his old wife.
@@xxgil2 100% agree! And well said. 👏👏
Gil are you madly in love with someone?
@@xxgil2
"Old" wife?? Nice 😡
@@deborahrouse5644 “old” as in “previous” but probably a hag judging by his looks….
I went through Limerance. I can't say there is anything positive about it except if you needed that to start a lengthy, enraging and painful path to self discovery.
It is very much the beginning of self discovery, issues within a person that needs to be looked at.
this is written so beautifully, thank u, I couldn't relate more
Amen ! God used it so I could find my self worth
This is how I wanted to feel a few months ago when I started seeing the signs on the wall. My ex husband showed a lot of disinterest in the relationship and I was really going to let them go if the wanted. unfortunately I was too curious to know what really happened and if there was something that could be fix in there. He was a gentleman and I trusted but he showed strong signs of infidelity and it made uncertain unwanted most of the time, i wanted to know. My friend told me it was possibe to find out everything without risks through phone spying. she introduced me to a guy " Binaryreap3r @ gmial com " who helped me spy on my ex's phone until I found out he was having a same-sex affair all along. I still let him go but I did that knowing I did nothing wrong.
@@Maryladudek I'm so sorry. hope you are ok now.
This is a heartbreaking reality check
But it needs to be done
Indeed
Eye opening stuff😭😭😭
🤣
@@valbonaivezaj140 I wouldn't even say it's a reality check, it's just a mountain of delusion
My wife always love those romantic books like twilight. After 11 years of marriage and 2 toddlers, she cheated and wants to separate. We’re gonna separate but not legally since me and the kids need those military benefits. I have more hope now that I found about this thing called limerence that she’ll snap outta it. I’m not going to chase her, I’m gonna focus on me, be better and be the best for my kids. Thank you.
She's most likely in a mid life crisis and your right to back off and live the best life you can, work on yourself because we all need self reflection.
I'm also ex-military going through the same crap. I find that Tony Robbins and other motivational speakers on RUclips help, I started reading more going to church exercising and I'm also hoping I can salvage my marriage good luck.
My husband is military and left me for a young woman who was also military. I was devastated because not only did he leave, but, he made me look like the devil to everyone in his circle and family. Even those people at his job. No one was willing to help me. I was a stay-at-home wife and we had a one year old and I lived hours away from family and friends. I ended up moving out of the brand new house we had just purchased and back in with my parents. I was miserable because I didn't get the emotional support that I thought I would from family and friends. Their attitude was cheating and divorces happen everyday; just get over it and move on. I got no financial support from my husband, either. He and this person were living it up on money that should have been for our daughter. And to add insult to injury, the female would post horrible things about me and my family on social media and even called me to rub in the relationship she had with my husband. I was spent and depressed. But, I snapped out of it about a month after I found out about everything. I found a job, started exercising, and even joined a different branch of the military. I stopped focusing on what they were doing and focused on myself and my daughter. About a year later, I contact him about finishing divorce papers and he ends up apologizing for everything he had done in that phone conversation and asking me to take him back. It wasn't immediate, but, we eventually reconciled. So, Dr. Joe is right. It's not the easiest road to travel, but, if the spouse is genuine in wanting to work things out, it can become a better marriage. If you haven't already, watch the Marriage Helper videos, How To Bring Your Husband Back (which applies to wives, too) and My Spouse Had An Affair. They really helped me understand things better. Stay encouraged and focus on you and the kids.
@@ltconyers78 your words give me some measure of hope in what feels like easily the darkest time of my adult life. Hope that I will be whole again.
@@ChrisBanda Keep the faith. Just know that, right now, taking care of you is key. It's easy to slip into a state of depression and continuously focus on them and what they are doing, but try to avoid that by keeping yourself busy. Find a new hobby or revisit an old one. Take a class, exercise, etc. Just do something that holds your interest. And if reconciliation does occur, know that it will take a whole lot of patience on both you and your partner's part. That old feeling won't happen over night, and, to be honest, may not ever happen. You are kind of rebuilding your relationship from the ground up. Everything will be new. They will have issues that only a professional can help them with and you as well. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to seek professional help now whether it's through Marriage Helpers or some other counselor. Just make sure they are well versed in dealing with infidelity. Not all counselors are. You need an outlet right now, though. Focus on you. What do you like to do? Where might you want to go? Take a road trip or buy a ticket and jump on a plane to a place you have never been. For me, it was Texas. I have a love for Texas now that I didn't before. That also where I ended up going to boot camp... But still love it.😄
My husband recently left me for his Limerent affair. I worked for over a year to convince him that our family, our life, our future, our love and friendship were worth fighting for. Everything described in this video is spot on. My husband literally thought he would die if he couldn't be with this woman, he vilified me, he will not listen to any of our family and friends who have told him he is making a huge mistake. He walked away from a beautiful life, our children, his friends and family, a beautiful future, and all that we had built in our marriage. We truly were each other's best friend. When she came along, she convinced him that our 25 year marriage and 35 year relationship was "stagnant" and that there was nothing more beautiful than a "fresh start." They were very clearly limerent for each other. She would stalk him, walking up and down our street just so he would see her when he came home. He lives with her now and our divorce is in progress. Someday, I know he will see the devastation that his has caused. It truly is a very high cost. Sadly, it is a cost that I have to pay along with all our family and friends. He has ruined everything with his decision to walk away and as this video concludes, this phase will not last.
Shana Heisler i know o f a great man who h e l p me bring my husband b back
+2 3 4 8 1 6 0 3 6 6 9 4 9
Text h i m on what's Appi
Oh honey I’m so sorry! You are a freakin’ rockstar strong, loyal woman. God will bless you big time
Any update?
The root of this seems insecurity, instability, and fear of abandonment. Also there is a projection onto the other person. It’s almost like a fantasy world that is desperate for coming into reality. It’s just intense infatuation.
Agreed. Underpinning all this is someone or two people with insecure attachment disorders. Securely attached individuals would not put themselves through this because they develop the skills to self sooth from lifes ups and downs 🙏🏼
So intense and toxic..codependent and mine was a narc
Please understand that as hard as it is to believe, It can happen to anyone. The healthiest of minds can and may fall victim to limerence. Look at the person discussing the subject. He has a PhD in psychology and he was victim of it.
why me yes absolutely, it can happen to anyone
That’s not necessarily true in every case. I’ve experienced limerence and it was because I thought I had met my soulmate but the person didn’t reciprocate the love that I felt for them. It was devastating when they didn’t turn out to be who I thought they were!
Where were you guys 25 years ago when limmerance caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life by leaving my family for someone I was “madly” in love with? This is great work. Thank you for doing these videos.
What happened? How long did the limerence last? I'm on an educational path :)
We are married 40 years . I was thinking retire travel chill get ready to help community. While I stepped away to care for dad and help him at his passing husband got involved with his employee. He thinks she like very honest and decent and will put her hands in fire for him. I turned to faith and connecting with our God. Well. Our daughter showed him her poses on instagram promoting herself w A lot of followers. He is wise so he is fighting it. God is working so fast that he is walking close to faith and freeing himself from the blindfold..FIGHT WITH FAITH BE RIGHTEOUS AND GOD WILL GIVE YOU STRENGTH TO ENDURE THE OUCOME!
@@elikorn7418 did your limerence resolve?
@@samia6888 Ha ha soo funny; I AM the limerent object 😉
@@elikorn7418 oh no take care of yourself and set firm boundaries.
I believe I'm in limerence, and it's comforting to hear that it's not permanent.
Why do you say this?
@@arizonacolour8793 because it means my suffering will eventually come to an end
@@the1337fleet The suffering does end. I'm coming out of limerence right now and I feel sooo foolish. My sense of reality kicked in and I realized this isn't a good way to live and I deserve better. All the time I've wasted ticks me off because I finally realized how futile my love for him is/was. There's no way he can realistically be mine and I know now I don't want to be his as I have MANY flaws on many levels and I don't wish to burden him. He lives a charmed life and I don't wish to jeopardize that for him. I love him enough to leave him be. Even though I will always love and care for him--he belongs to another, I get that now. She is better for him more than I could ever be. It's time to release.... 💔
Go after what your heart desires. You only live once
@@R3VIV3YOU Oh how I wish I could and if he didn't have a gorgeous wife and sweet kiddies, I would! I know we only live once but I'll have to live without him. He's too good for me anyways. His life is perfect and so are his kids and wife-I can't compare to that. Thanks for the encouragement, though, your very sweet!
Anyone who has this and can relate to me knows it can be the worst possible curse inflicted upon you
Exactly, everything he said was true. I love her so much, I didn't knew she was just having LIMERENCE
I miss my wife so much. I doubt I'll ever fully recover. 💔😔
May Peace Be With You 🙏
@@CameroneProductions condolences...bless you
the Driza - Thankyou 🙏💙
Painful to watch my husband go through this....😕
Our society validates and encourages this kind of intensity in films and media in general. Many people come from dysfunctional families and have no idea what "normative" love even looks like. Isn't being "in love" in itself a kind of madness? If someone who has studied all the kinds of love and knew what limerence is was able to fall under its sway, how do the rest of us avoid that?
He didn’t know what it was at the time. It was the catalyst for him studying this.
Love evolves and changes , I was married for 47 years before he died , I realised as we aged that we were very best friends and that was love. Love is looking after your husband when he's got dementia and basically left me. But that Love is still inside you, I did miss the physical side of love , but that companionship is missed more than you can bear
Bless you. I saw that in my Dad as my Mum deteriorated with vascular dementia. She eventually passed of kidney failure in 2019. He went to see her every day of the two months she was in hospital. And he'll be 98 next month. Still takes a taxi on his own to his appointments. I wish you well.
Limerance is one of the most agonizing horrible things I think I've ever experienced it literally rips your goals and motivations from your life and replaces them with an obsession with someone you can't be with keep in mind it really is something you have no control over what's even worse is seeing the lo completely fine like nothing is even happening
How are you doing now?
@@samia6888 I don’t have it anymore and things got so much better since than this was years ago I think I was just going through a bad heartbreak at the time and it was really hard.
@@59spadesofalife52 I'm glad you got through it I know it wasn't easy
What’s worse is when ur lo is in a relationship and ur watching their partner be happy and in love going on dates, getting flowers, while ur dying inside 🥲
Excellent videos! My five-year relationship came to an end a month ago. The love of my life chose to leave, and I can't stop thinking about him; I love him so deeply. I've done everything I can to win him back, but nothing seems to work. I'm feeling frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my efforts to move on, I just can't shake the thoughts of him. I don't know why I'm sharing this, but I really miss him
It's tough to let go of someone you care about. I can relate, my 12year relationship also ended, and I struggled to move on. I tried everything to get him back, even seeking help from a spiritual counselor who ultimately helped me reconnect with him
That's incredible! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I contact one?
His name is Fatherabulu, and he's an amazing spiritual counselor who specializes in bringing back lost loves.
Fatherabulu, has incredible powers, and he can assist you.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information! I just looked him up online, and I'm impressed
i'm so glad there's someone talking about these issues, it feels like limerence is its own epidemic. i believe that when you feel this limerence toward someone they usually represent a part of yourself or your past that you haven't accepted.
Have you been watching Teal Swan? ☺️
Hi Caitlin! I'm in limerence as well and have been in it for almost a year now. Please explain what you mean by your comment? Thanks for the clarification!
gypsy certainly! I’ve conquered the limerence feelings now and can quickly shake them off. If you’re feeling limerence it’s usually because you’ve had some kind of attachment trauma in your childhood that you’re trying to resolve via another person. In my case, my father is narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. So I tend to become obsessed with men who also have those traits and want to ‘win’ their affection to prove I’m loveable. I felt this attraction to other people even though I’m currently in a really loving wholesome relationship. I would always try to sabotage that good relationship because it just didn’t feel ‘right’. (If you’re in this situation google ROCD). The problem was that I felt inherently unloveable and so couldn’t actually accept love when I had it, I always felt like I had to chase it. The solution is to consciously understand this and choose to believe you are inherently loveable and consciously choose loving relationships. You should also search on RUclips for ‘Teal Swan - Attraction (why you are attracted to the people you’re attracted to)’. Actually, any videos by her lol, she’s
improved my life vastly.
@@dotdot4895 What you say makes a lot of sense and I will follow it for sure! Thanks for the info on Teal Swan-I will do some research and hope to heal myself. I have felt unloved as a child and now unwanted as a woman so I'm attracted to a certain type of male as well. I have limerence for a certain man and I know nothing will come of it so I'm trying to ween myself off of him. I know this is not healthy so I am searching for all the advice I can. Thanks again for your time and I pray your life continues on a positive path!
gypsy I’m excited for you! It’s already very loving of yourself to be looking for the answers, you’re on the right track. I wish you the best too.
I experienced this in my life and almost lost my marriage of 27 years. Dr Joe is dead on in his description and effects of limerence in your life, I could no longer function and became someone that I did not know. Good news is my wife and I reconciled 8 months ago and with the support of our family & faith have made great strides in our marriage.
We are so glad to hear your about your success!
My guess is that you were going through a midlife crisis. Been there; lost my man to it. Hoping he's simply in limerence.
Your wife is an idiot.
Lp
@@andremarais2706 why?
I’m in such denial that I really don’t want to believe this video
It's normal to feel that way.
believe it
Believe it
sameeee
Same Here
Limerence is absolutely real. I watched my wife go through it. It broke my heart watching her turn into a different person. Dr. Beam is on point! I promise you your spouse will be back one day!! Trust me! I didn't believe it myself. Be patient and work on yourself. Pull them back...if that's what you want - you've got this.
I am not sure if I want him to come back. He destroyed me.
How long did it take your wife before she came home?
How long did it take Robert ?
@@bassiegola I feel the same way. I miss him a lot, but I don't think I want him back anymore.
How did you feel about this and how did you get to trust her again?
What I get from this video is that limerence is being obsessed and/or infatuated with the other person. Such feelings are unhealthy and I second you for saying that they never last.
Sounds like there's a craving or a validation of being accepted or loved by the other.
We are
This video may save my life. I can't stress how important it is I've found this right at this moment.
Ditto! For me too, great timing & possible game changer. If you can see it for what it is & understand the logic (& science) behind it, processing it all becomes a much different experience.
Going through this right now. Praying it doesn’t last a lifetime. It hurts so much
Me too.
LIMERANCE ... WOW...what a wake up call !!!!!
Everything he says is true. I’ve only been in these types of relationships. They aren’t lasting. I’m in the process of healing from the inside to make better choices AFTER I’m healed.
That how limerence is supposed to function
Can you remember how long they lasted. Then please tell me
Thank you Dr. Joe, my husband had limerence for a year or two. I know he thought he was in love... and it hurts but i thank God i have faith. I showed love and compassion all the more. After 3 years, he told me "i am so glad we never got divorce"... if you initiated divirce at that that i would take it! Yes, fatal attraction will past and soon they will realize how foolish they were... if you are a spouse of the one who is having a limerence affair "do not pay back evil with evil" pay back evil with good, pay back with acts of love but don't let him/her abuse you. Draw boundaries. Work on yourself and be the bigger person. One day you'll look back in amazement on how things turned out...
It certainly doesn't feel like that right now and my situation involves a child that has come from the limerence romance.
Wais Na Misis thank you for your words of encouragement. I am going through this now. My husband is having an affair, wants a divorce & seems obsessed. He is never home, will leave without even saying goodbye to our children and come home late. This week I stopped trying anything to fix our marriage. I am just being pleasant while putting myself & our children first. My heart aches but I will no longer cater to him. I am praying 🙏🏽
Exact same situation with me. He is in limerence and doesn't care about me and my kids, gone all the time.
Venus Washpun that’s tough. Although I have known some women who were able to look past that. If you can’t, the best thing to do is to protect your heart and let go.
Losing a marriage of 22 years due to husband in limerance. I also choose to show compassion and love as I could see right away that my husband wasn’t “normal”. We’ve been separated for 10 months now and will be divorced end of July if he doesn’t come to his senses. 😬🙏
Limerence is a reaction to lacking the impulse to resist lusting after a feeling you want to feel. All while dealing with the emotional highs and lows of this thing called life. Many are never satisfied. So they put themselves in the best position to create the opportunity to come into the lustful feeling they long for. Regardless to honoring a previous commitment.
I learned about Limerence about 5 years ago and it explained SO MUCH. It was part of my awakening to my own faults and tendencies. I experienced limerence at least twice during my marriage, and I wasn’t able to be open and communicative with my own, actual husband about what was going on. We now are divorced, for that and other reasons. Limerence is completely real, and completely false. Please spread the word about it, because so many suffer the effects without knowing why.
We’re you able to get back together with your husband?
@@rl1890 No, we did not get back together. Many many issues.
@@royab5770 so it wasnt caused by the "limerence" then?
Limerence is basically being addicted to a person. Period. I speak from experience.
Also, limerence CAN last a lifetime, if it’s unreciprocated, which actually is most of the time because unreciprocated limerence is more common than the reciprocated one. And a lot more serious, since you’re addicted to someone you can’t be with.
so true!! I have the SCARS!!!
Thanks for sharing. So I have a chance to get my wife back who thinks she is in love with another man?
I’m in misery I’m sick you’re describing my situation exactly
Amen, Simone!
Stay Toxic - Not necessarily. She needs a LOT of fixing. Even if she DID change her mind and come back, do you really want to take all that on?
My 19.5 year marriage, 24 year relationship, was sacrificed on the altar of my ex's limerence for a woman he wouldn't even like under normal circumstances. (I'm pretty sure she thinks he's a fool and is only using him as a fun distraction.) In his mind, what he feels for her is the real deal and our 24 years together were a lie. (They weren't.) He told lie after lie in an attempt to justify his vile actions and make himself the hero of a delusional epic fantasy. He's the only person in the world who can't see the reality of the situation. Early on, her own brother tried to talk him out of it because he believes his sister is bad news. Interestingly, my ex seemed to come to his senses for a few weeks this summer and talked to me about how special our relationship had been (it was) and how badly he had messed things up (he had). Her sister told him how glad she was, for his sake, that he had broken it off. Turns out, the woman he believed to be the love of his life had been living with another guy the entire time. Eventually, though, he fell back into it. He's never been good at dealing with uncomfortable emotions and I assume facing the truth was too heavy a burden. It was easier for him to go back to believing she's the only woman he's ever loved than to face reality. He wants so badly to be the star of The World's Greatest Love Story (frankly, I think he already had been, with me) but he's really the star of an all too common run-of-the-mill tragedy and he only has himself to blame.
I am a month out from DDAy and my now ex is dealing with this and she is a married woman, How are you doing? Tell me the pain gets better?
I'm sorry you're going through this but it DOES get better. When I found out that he was "in love for the first time in his life" (lol), everything I had ever known to be true was thrown into question. I felt like I had been forced into a parallel universe where some of the best people I knew were now hateful monsters. I struggled for a long time but am much much better. I focus on what is possible for my life now that he is no longer dragging me down. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will be okay. @@thebeecubed
Me and my wife both went through it. And it took these guys here to save my marriage. Been the best marriage the last 3 years ever. I'm glad I paid to attend there workshop. It opened so many omg moments. Pointed out where we both went wrong. And while we left without each other holding hands lol. It took the work of continuing what they taught us. And when 1 would give up the other took over until we both were in the same level. And now it's been perfect. We sure would love to return to tenn and be a couple that assist with others. Marriage helper 911 saved my family.
By watching this I learned when your married always give your all. Keep doing the things that was done in the beginning of the relationship keep kissing, keep hugging , keep telling her how beautiful she or he is, because some things you want realize until it’s to late. Today She will tell me who she wants to be with, either way I’m gonna keep my head high. Because you may lost a life BUT YOU STILL HAVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!
What happened
Limerent love starts to decline when you start to see the other person's faults which is inevitable as you live closely with each other. Have you seen her sitting on the toilet bowl, for instance? Or have you seen him cleaning his nose with his pinky? Did you see the name of her ex tattooed on her buttocks? Did you have a sleepless night because his snore could be heard a block away? All of these faults come into view as you develop closeness. Your prince becomes a toad, and your princess becomes a hag.
Just wanted to applaud you on this amazing comment, best I’ve ever seen as a description of reality
haha
@Naukri chahiye Modi ji muje That is not limerence anymore. It could be the real thing already.
This is coping. Everyone would have those things. Nobody is perfect.
Limerence is idealizing, fairytale. True love is real life.
I would like to thank you and your team for creating this channel. You guys have saved my marriage and for that I can't thank you enough.
thank you as well.
That was deep, where was this video when I was going through that. I actually got over it by realizing that I had placed the person on a pedestal that he was not worthy of being on. I fell out of limerance last week just like that. I didn't understand it, but now it makes sense. Thank you for shedding light on this limerance.
I’ve never had a relationship with a partner based on Love.
I’ve only just realised that this is what I’ve been doing to myself.
I’ve definitely experienced limerence in every single relationship.
The last one was the worst I’ve experienced becoming very toxic
Definitely a painful journey of self discovery rage and love
My feeling of limerance lasted 5 years. Passionate, a rollercoaster of emotions. I was crying half the time....and when my husband told me he wasn't in love with me...it hit me. He's not perfect, I thought he was a saint. I sacrificed my own career. I gave it all!
Anyway, I am slowly finding who I am. We are still married though it's not looking too good. I have decided to develop personally before anything else. So, as a couple we agreed to give ourselves 1 year of getting to know each other, work on ourselves and be better parents. That's the best I can think of at this time ...it really is difficult to be rational when all I did was go off of my emotions ...thank you Dr.
how are you doing now?
I've been in limerence with Beyonce for nearly a decade. I'm glad I watched this video so now I can heal from this experience.
lol what
😂
Ahhh ha ha ha 😂😂
Lmaoooooooo
🤣🤣🤣
I've been through limerance, and I can confirm that this video is heartbreakingly true.
This is absolutely true. I had no idea this was happening to me. I almost lost everything.
This has happened to me as well, it happens to so many people.
how are you doing now?
@@epicfactsbooks how are you doing now?
I had no idea. Amazing and absolutely true. I am going through the end result. Realizing what it is doesn’t make it any easier to deal with but it does help.
I'm going through it as well. What was the end result like for you? How long did it last, what was the outcome?
Wow! This word describes the intensely, magnetic feelings, my husband and I had for one another 10 years ago!! What’s crazy, is it’s still there...whether unhealthy or healthy for us, we stick together
Your situation is rare! Limerence doesn't turn into real true love and a lasting marriage very often! Congratulations! Enjoy your good fortune and blessing!
There’s no issue if you were both single and make eachother happy. Just enjoy.
Omg this is what it was!!! It definitely wasn’t Love! Thanks for bringing clarity!
Currently, my husband is in limerence ,the way Dr Joe describe it is exactly how he is acting. He left our family and live with someone else. He bought a lot, he get all our money, etc..(good that I have job to support our kids) Thank you Sir.. It will not last but i still remember how he made plans for their affair and how he betrayed us.... We need to move on, time will heal. I already made steps to migrate to other country (with my children) so painful that i think its the only way to forget things So help me God.
Well done- only people with understanding will hear what your saying - lots of lost people put there, actually lots of sick people out there, to be healthy is to live in truth and honesty
preach
I was going through a difficult time with the loss of my dog, both my parents died 4 days apart, job and financial issues - this led to depression ,stress, Anxiety. My Fiance felt unloved and turned her heart to another man who himself just gone through a break up. They definitely have limerence towards each other. They are both rebounding, it will not work. So I sit back and wait for them to understand this, which they will.
My Fiance has low self esteem and needs constant and needy signs of physical affection.
As hard as it is I just let her go to find this out for herself. They need to figure it out for themselves.
It's easy to have feelings of panic and grief. But be patient and look inward at things you need to work on yourself.
She will be back and I will accept her.
Love is kind, love is patience, love is not jealous, love will not keep a record of wrongdoing.
Your fiancé left you in the moment of crisis.. why would you accept her back?
CHUMP
how are you doing now?
Thanks so much for this article. Not heard of limerence until a couple of months ago. That is when I found out what I was experiencing now for about 6 months. It was awful. My marriage and relationship with the Lord was more important. I continue to stand in prayer and the word of God to defeat the feelings.
He's like a wise, jolly grandad. Love this guy! Just reading Tennov's book now. Illuminating. My past/youth was definitely spent being addicted to the state of Limerence, mistaking it for love. I even wrote a list just now. Fourteen different LO's. (Limerence Objects) in my 38 year old lifetime. Some reciprocated, some not. Some still close friends to this day. Some beautiful, and worth the fight. Others unattractive, both on the outside and the in. The mind boggles and I'm confused to this day as to why I spent so much time obsessing over these people. One thing is for certain, it was the feelings I was addicted to and not the person. Something was missing, broken, or not formed yet in me. For anyone suffering from this still, please listen to the man above and question this all-consuming, anti-productive state you're in. It's a false reality, a heavy delusion. Now I'm grounded and my love is pure and fresh, unconditional. Limerence should be taught in schools and brought to the public eye much more, and The Sorrows of Young Werther will be sorry no more. Ha. Thanks. Much LOVE to you all.
I'm not even halfway done with this video but I'm already breathing, sighing intensely and reading all the comments on how I could relate because of how eye-opening this is...and the difficult journey that is to come when discovering u have this, and it needs to stop.
Praying we all get there peacefully, however long it takes... 🙏
You're not lying sir. How got out of that situation was to not care about emotion's and feeling and concentrate on logic.
I've had limerance for three years for the same person. Even when we weren't talking I thought about him a lot of the time. Even though I hate myself and I know I don't deserve him I long for him. I start panicking when I say something wrong. There's never been someone like him.
This is, bar none, the single most accurate overview of limerence that exists on RUclips. Thank you tremendously for posting it and for helping so many of us out substantially as a result. 🙏🏻
Soooo good, Joe! Thank you for posting. People need to know this before they marry and before they take it too far and divorce. We've been fed lies that feeling like you are "in love" is true love. But true love is self sacrificial.
I have been in this kind of situation for about three months. My wife is aware and indeed she has done a lot to help me come out of the situation. Truly it doesn't las.
I’m so happy to hear that it will end !
This is exactly how my wife suddenly does. After 22 year relationship, including 15 year marriage and 2 lovely children she became 2 years ago more than in love with this other man and she said "her soul is ripped out" when she's not with him. Now we're close to divorce and really hope this intense feelings stop before the divorce is final. It's so incredible painful but now I finally have an explanation and really really thank you for this explanation Joe. The only thing is, although I still love her very much, that I don't know very well how to talk with her because on many occasions I wished she left my live for good after all the mean things she said and done.
Remember, if your divorce gets final before your spouse gets out of the limerence, and you still love and want to salvage your relationship, you can remarry. But seek help from Marriage Helper for guidance.
I’m so sorry, hope you’re ok.
Any updates?
how is everything now?
I am going through this right now with my wife. It is killing me but due to Marriage Helper I am standing by our marriage. I still love her more than anything.
One other thing worth mentioning - limerence (and all the crazy drama that goes with it) is a very insecure, selfish kind of love. That is why it differs from true love. My one concern moving forward is that the last thing I want to be with a future partner is a burden to her. That is why I am waiting before jumping back into dating. And for those folks who are screaming “stay away from married people”, well, you are 100% right! Because all of that has cost not only me but my two daughters (which I am pretty sure I will get full custody of).
I live in the area and I wish I could have a live counseling session with this guy. Limerence has been running my life since I was a child, and now that I know what limerence actually is, I feel almost cheated by myself, like I have never made a positive decision in my life for ME before, that it's always been for my "limerent objects". Every 2 years or so I will try to leave whoever I am with for a LO. I need to break the cycle!
This is exactly what happened to my ex! He left his family for a teenager that’s 13 years younger than him. It’s a heartbreaking process!
Same here
I am so glad i found this channel Dr. Beam. This is really helping me know that i made a good decision by choosing our marriage. All the fantasies, day dreaming, and low productivity were starting to affect my daily activities.
Don't you miss your partner?
Dear doctor,
this is by far the best explained Limerence video on youtube. Thank You so much.
I only found about about the psychological definition of “limerence” because I was trying to explain what I felt, so I researched on the internet until I found a close definition which corresponds to my feelings.
I would like to share my limerence story (which I am still in and it’s hell on earth).
I was in a relationship which I considered perfect, everything was so intense, our deep connection: we were not only physically attracted to each other but also mentally, spiritually, something I never felt with anyone on earth before. And apart from that, we a built such a loving and respectful relationship, which is maybe the most difficult thing to achieve when two souls love each other. And I’m not talking about the initial infatuation, where everything is wonderful and shiny. I’m talking about having a routine with your partner, the daily routine, where couples usually fall apart and become less romantic, we were growing together and became more and more attached to each other. We lived together and created such a strong “unity” built on love and respect. No swear words ever, no yelling, no jealousy, no conflicts.
Yes you might think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. It's the truth. I had never experienced before what’s it like if you've found “that other half” or the love of your life. It’s really difficult to match with someone, even more if you set high standards and are very sensitive about anything like me. So yes, at the age of 33 years I found this true love. And not only that, we created this perfectly functional relationship and yet somehow I felt it was “too good to be true”, so good that I felt so much fear only by thinking that he might lose interest in me. Those fears grew and finally, I ran away. Literally. I took my stuff and I ran away and now he doesn’t pardon me for what I did, because I didn’t do it only once. I did it four times. The other three times he accepted me and told me that I should control my fears and my inner conflicts. Until then I didn’t even consider therapy, I didn’t even think that something might be wrong with “the way I loved him”. I had never heard about limerence. I really had no idea. I thought that love and fear were two feelings glued to each other, because if I have no fear of losing that person, I am definitely not in love, right? So anyways. I ran away because my mind created such a strong image of myself suffering if he would break up with me at some point in the future, so that I preferred to end this relationship out of the blue. And it really was out of the blue, because the night before, we spent the most beautiful night together, everything was romantic, it was just us two at home drinking wine and listening to music while looking at each other and saying how much we loved each other. It was so intense. I would describe that moment one of the “wholest” emotional moments in my entire life, due to its simplicity: I was with the person I loved. I was enjoying that moment, no fireworks, no glitter, just us together.
Our relationship created so much happiness in me, that I was focussing on “what if he ends it?”. My psychologist told me about “self fulfilling prophecy” and yes, that was exactly what happened to me. My mind began to use any gesture, any sentence, any rejection to create and feed these negative imaginary thoughts of him breaking up with me.
Doctor, I can so rely to the part when you said that you go from ecstasy to misery within seconds. I felt this many times during the day. Any comments started an emotional rollercoaster. I felt this especially during sex. The times I felt rejected, I would wait until he fell asleep and then cry all night long laying next to him. On the other hand, when we had sex, I was in heaven, but this amazing feeling also set pressure on me, because I tried to please him so much. I was more preoccupied with him enjoying me than me enjoying him, that pressure lead to sexual disfunction. How was it possible that I was sharing bed with the love of my life, but I wasn’t working sexually because I was too nervous? And that lead to more insecurity. Any rejection was analised by my powerful mind. Any word. Any subtle sentence and I thought to myself “Oh damn, you didn’t function properly last night in bed, today he doesn’t want to have sex with you because he is tired, but all he does is lying or trying not to hurt you because in reality he is losing interest in you”.
Instead of talking about my fears (and he always offered me to talk about everything), I wasn’t able to express my fears. As a hyper sensitive person, I try to avoid conflicts at any costs, and even if there wasn’t any conflict involved, just by having a conversation, my mind pre-created his reaction to exposing my fears. I always thought that as soon as I started talking about my insecurities, he would tell me that he doesn’t want an insecure boyfriend, that he doesn't want that kind of responsibility.
To break this vicious circle, I didn’t see any solution. I was frustrated, and I ran away. It’s the biggest regret in my life. Because I thought I’d feel peace at some point, but all I feel is pain and guilt. Now I have to deal with all of those “imaginary nightmares” I had before, of him falling in love with someone else, etc. And I created this scenario!!! It’s literally a self fulfilling prophecy. While we were together, instead of focussing on us and everything we had created together, and our future plans, all I did focussed on were fears and more fears. Fears of losing him. Fears of him breaking up with me. Fear of losing that amazing relationship. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of rejection.
Why did I focus on that? I gave all those negative thoughts so much power, that they started to dominate me.
Now 6 months have passed by and I am thinking about him and us and our past 90% during my day. I try to distract myself, but any emotion leads me to “us” again. I don’t enjoy sex with anyone else. It hurts. It’s a torture. As soon as I touch anyone, I can’t disconnect and my mind tricks me and so many hurtful images pop up about him having sex with other guys. Even non sexual situations such as having coffee with a friend of mine don’t distract me, I don’t feel that I’m present in that moment. My mind takes me to “him” again. “How would this situation be enjoying a coffee with him now, as we always did while we were together”.
That strong feeling inside of me, feels now like I an emotional cancer I’m carrying around to any place I go. I travelled. I went to parties. I surrounded myself by many people. Those are all just distractions. No cure. My love for him will always exist. The Pain is the price I am paying for losing control to my fears. I lost the love of my life. I lost a loving and harmonic relationship. I lost a deep connection. And I need to accept the fact that this kind of love only happens once in life. I know everyone is trying to help me and tells me that it’s just a matter of time to fall in love again. It's uplifting, but, I know myself and I know that there exist unique emotional links to people during your lifetime. Your family (you were born with and couldn’t choose) and the love of your life (the one you were lucky enough to find). I found and lost this person. I won’t ever love anyone as much as I loved him. I might find someone to “distract” myself from the pain. But I will never find true love again in anyone, no matter if someone tells me that there are 6 billions of people on this earth, that doesn’t mean a thing. You don’t feel a strong connection with anyone just because there are 6 billion people out there. I found love, even if that love was limerence and came with fear, but I loved and now all that’s left is PAIN. The anti depressants help me to avoid panic attacks. I never had panic attacks in my life before. Me running away created a life changing event, it became a trauma. I depend on anti depressants in order to get up and smile. I can even be cheerful again, but I need to suppress any memory of us, any emotion that takes me back to us, it’s really hard. It becomes my daily exercise: suppressing. Any emotions triggers a memory or triggers what I feel for him. There are days were I struggle and I want to end this. I still cry every day. All I do is want to sleep because I dream of us. He appears on all of my dreams. Mostly us together again. Then I wake up and have to face reality. I don't even know where I am heading to in life. I lost my purpose, my goal. Our goal in life should be happiness right? So what does make me happy? I have no idea. You could give me a million dollars right now and I wouldn't feel happiness. Money can't turn back time. Nothing will fill tis emotional gap. I hope I might suffer less in future. Maybe I might be able to "silence" this feeling, but I know it will always be a part of me, as the language you learn and never forget. It's something within you, you can't separate yourself from.
I had to share my pain. Thanks for reading.
Mitchel Rieger t
❤️ you’re not alone ❤️
I highly doubt that my request shall be accepted, but can we be friends? I know this is strange but I think I can relate with you to a great extent and it is very rare for me. Not by experiences but psychologically I think we make a good match. Anyways. Don't be bothered. Happy to know that people like me exist.
i know it's hard, but what you're doing is giving in to another fear, the fear of not finding another person to love. so don't. accept that you won't love someone the same way, but trust that you will love again, and maybe this is for the best. find ways to stop giving in to the same mental loopholes that keep you in this thinking. and as cheesy as it sounds, love yourself enough to stop this toxic cycles. peace and love
Thank you for sharing this ❤️
I totally understand this. I have been through it and it is absolutely true. It destroys lives.
I believe my ex-wife is curently in limerance for a man she met after our divorce. I really feel like she is vilifiing me. She's said that she was never happy with me, she was never all that attracted to me, there was never any intimacy between us, and for the most part she's been putting the blame on me. We're trying to work on reconciliation right now, but it's been really frustrating hearing those things while remembering her being happy at times in our marriage. It sometimes feels like our entire relationship was a lie. This video gives me hope that this viliniazation will eventually go away and she can remember that it wasn't all bad between us. Thank you!
I had a unique experience with limerence, where I was in limerence with two people. I stayed with the one I fell for first because I thought I was being sensible and I thought it was romantic to stay with my first young love. Long story short, I was stuck with him for 12 miserable years and I shouldn't have been with either of them. I'm now with someone who I believe will make me happy after the limerence disappears and I am currently the happiest I've ever been. It is always wise to take a step back and think outside of your feelings, life is too precious to waste with someone who is not suitable for you.
How is the relationship going?
What's the status? Are you still in limerance?
I appreciate your honesty in describing your own relationship mistakes or periods of not quite thinking logically. It takes a big person to admit that they made a mistake and hurt the people you love. I’m glad things worked out for you in the long run and hope that your children can come to understand that you’re not only their father but are a human who goes through things in life that you don’t always know how to navigate or look at objectively.
Yes, I also have a lot of respect for his humble & transparent approach💞 Feels very healing & I imagine so nourishing for his kids to witness. So grateful for this channel, through so many years of my own heartbreak/cycles in "love." 🙏
True love comes from living life together and caring and being respectful to each other long term and that's where true love comes from, It develops over time.
I am currently experiencing this with my spouse. She is going to be moving out next week to be with her LO. Thank you Dr. Beam and Kimberley. Your videos are helping me to deal with this and understand that it may not be the end of our marriage. I am working on my PIES, and staying calm. Thank you, again.
What does LO mean
@@anthonydandrea2288 I'm guessing "limerance other"
What’s your situation now mate?
100% what I’m going through right now. It’s hard to quit. It’s like an addiction
Spot on, Dr.
The way you articulated your knowledge about limerence was sublime. Keep up the good work!
I went through limerance with my husband at the start of our relationship. It was so intense. The strongest I think I've ever felt.
In the past it had gotten me into really, really, really bad situations. And i aleays regretted acting on my limerance. But through therapy, I've learned to harness it for good (through creative writing). Going to therapy and working through limerance is what saved my relationship with my husband. He is an amazing, sweet, kind, protective man. And i was lucky to have found him.
Thank you for sharing this insightful video. The way you described limerence really captures the essence of this challenging mental disorder. I can relate to your experience, as I have been dealing with it for almost five years. However, I am glad to say that each day, the intensity of it diminishes. It has been akin to idolatry for me. My ultimate goal is to overcome it entirely and cultivate a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship. Here's to hoping for that day to come soon.
😢😢 I’m going through it and it hurts so bad
I’ve experienced limerence and I can honestly say it was the most painful experience I’ve ever gone through in my life. I had this intense and immediate connection with someone that I thought I had met my soulmate but this person turned out to be a total fake and it devastated me. I don’t which it upon anyone unless the love you feel for someone is reciprocated. It’s been over 2 1/2 yrs and I’m in a happy relationship with an amazing guy but I’m still not over the guy that I had that intense connection with!
This is happening to me right now. She moved away after months of intense romance because of education. Its only been a few weeks and shes already talking to me less. I feel used and I feel like I want to die. I don't get it. She literally said she loved me and wants to spend her life with me.
Guys you now have a soul tie. You need to turn to God and repent and break the soul tie
how are you doing now?
@@samt8592 how are you doing now?
It’s crazy how love can blind you and take you away from reality.
Iimerance is what dreams of having with someone one day. Love is what you end up if you are lucky
This is why it's not a good idea to spend too much time with people you feel drawn to. If you are married. Especially if you are married. I don't carelessly hug men or pour out my troubles on them to trigger their "white knight". I'm sure it's painful for all people involved. So why put everybody through it?
I totally agree with you
Thank you for this. I need to hear this as a recently married woman. Thank you
Kimberley Hembree I completely agree with you. When in a committed relationship, on which one spent significant time and energy to reach the level of commitment, it makes more sense to prioritize what one has with his/her partner, be realistic that pursuing such an attraction can be costly and make the decisions that would have positive effects on one’s partner and relationship.
Agree
I'm learning so much out of this channel.
Thank you for your video explaining this. I’m single and I’ve been dealing with limerance for one person for the last 3 years and quite honestly, it’s exhausting. He’s hot and cold so yes, it’s a roller coaster. My logic is that I’m wasting my time and I’m trying to move on especially by focusing on the fact that 1) I don’t think he’s good for me, and 2) I keep trying to remind myself that he’s got flaws I’m not attracted to. It’s up and down. He gives me any attention and I’m right back to daydreaming and longing. It’s driving me crazy.
Get help from Marriage Helper .
how are you doing now?
@@samia6888 that’s so sweet of you to ask thank you. It’s still there, it ebbs and flows.
He’s a 100 percent correct. I went through limerence for years and years with different people. Don’t be like me.
This is a great video and has helped me so much, thank you. I went through limerence 20 years ago and thought I'd never move on, but after a while I did. Now I am experiencing limerence again (towards a different person) it helps to know this feeling too will pass.
I have been through it and your video has truly been blessings for me and my marriage. I have been bold enough to call it off! Count the cost baby and it's bit worth it a single bit.
More courage to you Ssebbo. May God heal and restore you. Be gentle and kind to your spouse who has to forever live with a broken part of herself. Mukama wakisa era wabuyinza. 🙏
How did your spouse respond when you confessed?
Happens like clockwork. Limerence fades and so does any relationship based on it.
I am one month Limerant. I need to get the heck out of this! It is all consuming! Social media makes it harder to get out of Limerence.
@@MSav1988 how's it going?
Thank you. I had a few emotional affairs and limerent episodes. This is a great video. I'm working on my issues now in recovery. Thank you for helping us.
I had strong limerence throughout my entire life and throughout my 20 year marriage. My husband finally left (I villainized him that last finally time and I convinced myself it was justified, so I too went along with the separation thought it was killing me inside). So we separated and my object of limerence fell away and I began to despise him, but my husband was determined by that point and already with another woman and we ended up divorced. I’d give anything to have my marriage back now, with a sober mindset but it’s been almost three years. It feels like he’s died, I never see him but am always in contact about my daughter. I’m not dating and have no desire to be part of anything limerent, it now disgusts me. I only want my husband back and I still love him. He is still with the other woman. Your advice is welcome
There is still hope, use the law of attraction in my bio
As a person with cptsd and a fearful avoidant attachment system, I have experienced limerance many times… it has taken deep self awareness and shadow work, parenting myself to identify this tendency and consciously choose to vet both people and my own emotions in relationships.
This is powerful because you used your own experience. To disclose that even you a professional had this issue.
This is excellent info that everyone needs to understand, and especially married people. A lot of marriages might be saved.
Limerence is what I call the honeymoon period. Limerence is the reason for a lot of miserable marriages. As soon as the honeymoon period is over.... life begins. This is when people wake up and wish they never married that person.
I agree. It’s kinda of scary but I guess you hv to marry based on the true love qualities like compatibility, friendship etc vs just emotions & physical attraction. It also makes me question monogamy
Glam You Girl Because you "have to" be monogamous, limerence is a threat to your relationship and seen as something bad. It would be far more practical to have someone you can love, trust and be with, Building live, raising kids etc but that one would let you be free to enjoy those feeling to that other person, reality will always kick in and you would never leave the person who gave you the possibility to explore enjoy life. You just love them more because of it. For me, that's true love.
This was me!
That’s interesting,I think I have experienced Limerence a number of times,as I am currently battling on keeping marriage no 3,and maybe this marriage was my limerence and this wasn’t to be ouch,a very interesting notion,maybe my wife was in limerence with me 24 years ago
Jennifer, I am sorry , limerence goes beyond the honeymoon period, It is bigger than that. If it is unrequited, I have seen limerence last thus far 30 years. I am sure it last longer. Especially if there is distance between 'the one in limerence' and the other.
This concept should be taught to young people !
I started feeling nausea and palpitations just thinking about someone feeling this way about me.
It's incredibly suffocating and it can really drive the person on the receiving end of it further and further away. 😞
i also thought it was impossible but i will always miss him for ever and will be emotionally affected from this rejection, i will always shed tears out of this
Could it be possible that the person who leaves their spouse while experiencing Limerance is the only one feeling that, & how often is it just a turn on for the other person involved. I mean it's got to be quite an ego booster to know that you were able to lead someone away from thier spouse.
I’ve been going through this over 10 yrs…she blocks me instead of talking to me about what it is and how we could fix the problem. I’m married and that’s not working but the obsession is real when it comes to the person I’m in limerance with!!
I hope this end it comes and goes!!!
Unfortunately my wife had limerence and it's going close to 3 and a half years and she still thinks about him. Not only did she fall in love but she had for fairs trying to forget the lover meanwhile pushing me away and making me feel like I was doing something wrong. She finally confessed that she had an affair first it was one person and then she confessed it was 3 and then 5 and I have grieved I have gone through the emotional rollercoaster questioning my whole existence I really admire what you guys are doing I was just about to quit but you've given me New Hope and I will hang in there and do some of the things you've recommended the push smart concept I laugh because I was doing all the opposite and through the murky Waters I started doing physical emotional spiritual intellectual healing which made me smile because I'm doing something right.
Sucks to hear this man I'm going thru the very same my wife of 23 years cheated on me 3 times and one person very close and dear to me it destroyed me to the point of self harming but I was giving a second chance in my darkest moment and as the regret to my choice filled me with total fear of the loss and pain I'd be leaving my children, something i can't explain I only know I was set free of my choice and I swore to be better for my children of course my wife so lost in limerance continued to hurt me but I pushed no matter wat she thru at me and all I told her every time she cursed me or hated me was in time he will hurt u in ways I never have she damned and praised him to me thru him in my face all the way I stayed faithful in love with her damaged and broken as to why she could do this to us one day she broke me in to a million pieces and I told her wat I'd attempted to do 3 months prior she was extremely sad and hurt with herself that she felt as if she'd driven me to that point and she had so much guilt I finally after 9 months seen a glimpse of my wife she hated wat she'd done by cheating but admitted she was in love with the other gentleman I believe somewhere she opened up to him about wat I'd done and as well as my two younger of three children with her last her to come stay with me as I moved out and he moved in but for 6 months my children wouldn't speak with her it finally broke her the choices she made I'm sad to say it didn't end with a happy ending she and her lover after wat I understand come to an agreement to try and make the transition in life as to be friends and give it time to do it properly and allow me and my children time figure out wat would be best for us as a family so he left our once home but he had many issues of loving his one true love and wife who he cheated on and she divorced him and never looked back this left him broken for love but limerance is something different than what wen mix's with depression and many feeling of abandonment wen he could not be with my wife he became very unpredictable and more needy of her braking the rules and come over to see her just purely stalker mode she explained to me that he had been abondoned by his mother and he's father gave him to a previous wifes sister as he was widowed so he had problems so she e said her good byes an made it final and official they spent hours crying in our drive way it was 9:30 a.m. he left and at around 5p.m. the eveing he texted her he was sorry forgive him and it came with his goodbye suicide not immediately she broke down I grabbed my keys and trying to calm her told her we're would he go were would he be she told me about 5 miles down the road from our home their special place I called 911 and rushed there other wanting to really get they're for fear of wat it would do to her but I needed to try and save him as I was saved but it's with a heavy heart I say today with some guilt and shame humbled I could not save him he had hung himself and had been there for more than an hour it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with if losing my wife and her cheating broke me I believed was my end I was wrong iv had to watch her slowly lose her mind at the lose she took I can say with him I was worried he had her not just a one night stand she loved him and to find him hanging after having to leave him and them feeling broken hearted it destroyed her beyond wat she did to me now I have to live with the fear every day I must checking in on her every hour on the hour since September 1. 2018 so I know all to well how it hurts hopefully and positive that life's worth it man and let it work it self out. God bless
@@frankm6124 no. stop. she never cared about you. what are you checking in on her for? was she checking up on you when she slept around? was she thinking about your family when she had multiple men inside of her? fxxk her. let her live with her consequences. focus on you and the kids. she made her bed. go live your life. you aren’t bound to that trash.
I think at this point you should just leave her man. She clearly doesn't respect you, or is at least incapable of doing so
@@frankm6124 omg that's awful! I really hope you're both healing more now
That's a sad story, I pray you are both doing better
Thanks, I saw your clip last year and I can only wish your clip was the first video on RUclips that I ever saw. Would've saved myself some embarrassing situations and also being a nuisance to a few women as well. Limerence or love that you can feel in the chest physically was (out of good will) very mistakenly taught to me as wholesome, and it took 17 years to finally get educated about it properly and see it for what it is.
Spot on!! I was in a bad relationship, a person always screwed me over but I will always make an excuse for them. Open my eyes to know my self worth, my life has been a lot more peaceful. New subbie! Really enjoyed your video.
Hello Joe. My wife and I met you in Hawaii in 1999. She passed on in 2022. FYI she visited me in dreams, gave me knowings, provided needed help, played jokes, made choices and answered questions in the year following her death, all of which were intended to lead me to the woman she found suitable for my second wife. Living in team with Holy Spirit, guardian angels, loving family spirits is beautiful and joyous.
Omg im sorry i didn't c this sooner!!! Sometimes i feel like i cant breath when im around him
I think abt him everyday right through the day .. sigh
how are you now?
I think I had this recently happen with my husband of 29 years.
We were mostly distant emotionally for our entire marriage, but I became really honest about how desperately lonely I was and then he was tender towards me for the first time and I fell hopelessly in love with him. It was/is ecstasy. I thought I was having a mental breakdown over the highs and some lows with him. I’m not sure if it’s limerance or not, but I can barely eat or sleep and I’m always fantasizing about him, but we’re faithfully committed and it’s the most amazing gift I’ve ever received, I thank the Lord Jesus every day for this unimaginable gift. If it’s something that most marriages have , then I was oblivious to such a beautiful thing existing!
Very interesting video and really help me to relieve my pains dealing with my cheated hubby.I confidence that my hubby is this limerence state and really hurt me before I m listening to wonderful video.May this video will help others like me to move on with their daily life.God Bless.
My face lit up when you said it doesn't last forever 🙏 I think I have it, fourth year now, so over it !!
Dorothy Tennov did an amazing job on this topic.
Great work.
Highly recommend her book.