If You're Doing This, You're Abandoning Your Betrayed Spouse
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- Опубликовано: 26 фев 2018
- Samuel discusses a sensitive pitfall for couples seeking recovery.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
What hurts me the most is when my partner shuts down by saying, "I just don't know what to do or say to help you." And I'm screaming out on the inside, "You knew exactly how to break me, why don't you know how to fix me." It's not rational, but that's how it feels.
even though they are the ones to break us, it's up to us to heal. If they are willing to help thats awesome but ultimately we are responsible for our own healing. Just like child hood trauma, we need to do the work to become healthy functioning adults
@@breezienj thank you for this;God bless you!💓
That was the FIRST and best statement!!! Thank you for sharing that. Your acknowledgment that it is not rational immediately helps me hear the heart. Thank you for being honest.
This!!! 💯😭
AGREE COMPLETELY. PAIN FOREVER
In my mind the sudden abandonment is worse than the cheating. One day your happy and the next your sitting in a house all alone and never saw it coming
It’s feel like your life changes in split second literally after infidelity and abandonment.
I know how you feel
That’s me right now. Please pray for me. 😞
@@camillem.g2255 hang in there and tell Jesus everything. I will pray for you. Sorry it happened to you too.😢🤗
Exactly. One moment I was alive, fine, on solid ground. The next moment the woman I was before was dead.
Why?
Why would one person want to harm another in this way?
The worst thing he ever said..."why can't you just get over it"...while he was still lying and cheating.
Emotional abandonment can occur without infidelity. And it can keep on going with betrayals piling up over the years.
That’s why people must stop using vocabulary to hide behind, deflect, alienate and maintain the abusive behavior that is destroying those that love us and ourselves.
Emotional abandonment is betrayal.. more damaging and battering to our core than rubbing body parts with another person.. aka “ infidelity “
It is very likely that it happens with betrayal.
I would have to agree with you. It starts with one act of deceit. Then they have to tell a lie to cover up and it goes on and on. Pretty soon it is like an avalanche that swallows you up and you feel like you're suffocating. My husband topped it off with infidelity before walking out.
Reading through the comments to realize how many of us feel so hurt! Praying for everyone in their hard times! Life goes on, but it seems like it never will!
Thank you for your prayers 🙏
Thank you Larissa, God bless you through your journey🙏🏽
What hurts most is when she says. i DON'T KNOW WHY I DID IT.
Do you really expect an answer for that?
My husband tries to do big things for me AND makes sure everyone....family, friends, church, work ....know the things he does. Nothing is ever private. So who is it really for? Me? Or for him to promote himself to others, so he looks like such a good guy for all that he has done.. That too inflames the distrust.
My dad is like this and it is absolutely insufferable. We all see through it
Wish I could like this a million times. 😢
Ahhh yeah and then throwing it back saying AFTER EVERYTHING IVE BOUGHT YOU to show I love you…you don’t appreciate me
Ugh.
👊
& The statement "Your just never going to let this go.. Are you?" is like a hot knife in gut it only makes my heart sadly scream "he is never going to truly own his actions or even truly care about the pain that's slowly killing me inside!"
i know it hurts. with the right help though, he may change and find a greater understanding of your pain and what his reactions do to you. what help have you all received?
Suzie Russell I am so sorry. Sounds like he isn’t taking responsibility AT ALL and is blaming you in a way... just expecting you to “get over it”. Not any kind of way to help you deal with his cheating.
Excellent video and advice. We're two years past discovery and the end of the affair and in a very good place. I know these videos are helping couples in recovery, so thank you.
you're very welcome and thank you for the extremely kind words.
At some point you will need to decide if you can go on with the marriage imho....when my soon to be ex after 6 mo of reconciliation finally out of his mouth said...."It never would have happened if you hadn't postponed your move to canada" that was my deal breaker...out of the heart a man speaks...
The continued defensiveness, retorts, blame shifting is what is killing me. Its consistent abandonment.
When he says "I will just give you your space" is that just a tactic to avoid talking about things? Cuz I want to scream at him that he gave me plenty of space while he was sleeping with someone else!
Abandonment really is the worst part of it all. Cheating/deception it's a harsh mind game to wrap your head around but the abandonment is like uppercut to your spirit. Abandonment feels like you're not worth the effort to fix the hurt that happened to you. It makes you feel lower than low, that youre not worth their time. It's a new heartbreak over an open wound.
That's 100% truth
Heal your co dependency
😡 Yeah, shutting down doesn’t make it worse? 🙄 They are saving themselves from hearing and seeing how their actions affected their spouse! 100% Selfishness!!
I’m on an emotional rollercoaster and I’m ready to hop off!
Try hard to fix this,harder than you tried to cheat!
Spot on. Thank you. There is not a word in the English language strong enough to describe the pain of infidelity. I just wish I could get that across to him.
KIRSTEN COWLEY. I give you credit
So true , they do not understand what kinda pain is it and the intensity of it . Hope there was a unit to measure it
This is the best description of how I feel that I’ve ever read. Thank you for posting.....
Agree 100% especially when loyalty is such an important part of who you are. My mom cheated on my dad when I was 15 and it was earth-shattering for me. Then to go through it first hand with my high school sweetheart and wife of 9yrs, I cannot imagine a pain that could even be worse. Not torture, not losing a sibling, nothing I have been through comes close. Never ever recovered.
Absolutely agree
“Abandoned and left on the side of the road for dead”, perfect description. His expectations were too high, I felt so much shame for feeling and reacting the way I did. It’s a bad dream.. thank you for your commitment to this work. My relationship didn’t survive however the work to heal is still a priority.
Healing is hard, it’s best done one day at a time
I’m Muslim and these videos have been helping me a lot. I’ve searched for Islamic videos about infidelity and there are a few, but none of them are as straight forward and honest as these. I’ve said so many times “This is exactly how I feel.”
It really helps that it’s coming from someone who’s actually been through it. God bless you and thank you.
thanks for sharing my friend and thanks for watching. so glad I could help in some small way.
Asalaamu alikum. Can you tell me what islamic videos you have found?
Jazak Allah khiran
As an ex-Muslim, I feel that could be because in Islam it is acceptable to have more than one wife. And in some Muslim cultures "it doesn't count" if the woman is non-Muslim. (Of course the 1st wife has to agree and the husband has to treat all wives equally... that's literally impossible)
Emotional cheating, potentially physically cheating or actually physically cheating the alienation and abandonment feels and hurts just the same there's no worse feeling in the world - only love can kill you and keep you alive to feel it 😓
Thats a dope saying...Im stealing that lol...but I feel that way so when you said "Love is the only thing that will kill you and keep you alive to feel it" hit me hard because i am living it
Your last line of your comment is the best description of betrayal. Torture.
I wish I could have seen this 15 years ago. I'm just seeing how selfish I have been in her personal recovery. I was sparing myself from the reckoning. I relate my own trauma and what it took to heal. It's time for me to shut up and listen. Thank you for this! I love my wife and I'm here to learn how to do that better. Thank you!
Mannnnn I'm almost 90 days in trying to trust my wife again, this has been the hardest thing to recover from in my life..
I hear you.
Vernon Stem III same boat my man. We got this
Yes absolutely the hardest thing, I feel like a fool as the cheating has been multiple times, which makes me feel like hes not sincere.
Vernon Stem III I hope you are still trying and working on your marriage. I’m 1 year and 4 months in and honestly I still have days that knock me down. Some days I just want to give up, but I’m so glad I didn’t. Please don’t put a time limit on your recovery. Trust me, it will be worth the work, the struggles and the pain. You might just end up with a marriage so wonderful you never thought was possible.💕🙏🏻
William Sturrup watch as many of Samuel’s videos as you possibly can!!! Ask your wife to watch these videos with you. She will see you are sincere about your recovery and hopefully if you implement the things you hear you will begin to regain her trust💕🙏🏻
As a husband who was abandoned on the 1st of this year I come to realize how stubborn and wrong I have been through our 9 years together , I've lost so much weight I'm constantly crying and can't sleep. Her name is tattoo on my ring finger and when I look at it I blame myself for my actions and stubbornness now I'm so lonely I feel as though if I do go to sleep I wount wake up or my heart is going to stop. I want to shut down....
I hear you brother. I'm going through the same thing. The thought of death to stop the intense pain in my chest crosses my mind. But then I think of my kids and think, "she doesn't get to fucking control my life. She doesn't deserve me."
Her affair partner is a piece of shit for asking a married woman out. Low moral indesent person.
I'm starting my healing process, but I have a lot of rage. She broke me and she makes no attempts to fix me. I'm realizing it's not up to her to fix me, it's up to me. And that is the same for you brother
Im just tired of explaining what I need and it have to go through an approval process. The constant reminders are unbearable at times. I feel abandoned rejected lost ashamed.
My husband had been addicted to porn. I believe this is part of infidelity. He called me once and told me he thought about sleeping with another woman. I forgave. Then the porn came out. I tried as a wife to help him. He asked me to. Then when I did support him to stop and help as much as I could. I researched and found out what this stuff does. It has been 4 yr. The stress from the porn almost killed me. Stress of it being thrown in my face every time I would try harder to help. He has thrown I don't love you I want a divorce over and over. He blamed me for all of it. He filed for divorce. I have done my best not to judge. But he just kept throwing in my face. He never said he was sorry.
Ouch. I’m really sorry. I hope that you found healing. The porn has caused me so much agony. I can’t even begin to think about being intimate with my husband when he is sexualizing and having encounters, albeit digitally, with other women. COUNTLESS women.
I have experienced all that if you ever need to chat here. I get it deeply.
I'm going through this for the 2nd time with my husband. We've been together for 15 years. This time I believe it's over. He doesn't get the pain it causes and thinks I should just get over it. I'm currently in one room and he is in the other talking to his affair partner. Talk about hurt and pain. He just doesn't care what he is doing to me.
Pornography addiction has the same results on a relationship. You might be lusting at the screen, but you're lusting outside your marriage/relationship. For those moments your spouse doesn't exist. The ring on your finger means nothing. The vows mean even less. I'm suffering this betrayal trauma right now. It's real. It's painful. And I'm tired of his "I don't knows" about why he did it behind my back for so long. The lying. The deceit. The verbal abuse after the discovery...
And it can lead to actual affairs as well. Generally prostitutes. It's all so disturbing.
I’m going through this tooo… it’s so hard
As someone addicted to porn for 20 years its the hardest thing I've ever quit. Especially in today's world where its everywhere and triggers are everywhere.
I'm sorry your going through this.
And it escalates. Porn became a gateway for the affair.
My husband posts women pics on Facebook and has been caught with porn on his phone. I begged and asked him with tears to stop bc it hurt me so bad - so being dumb I had an affair to make him see how it hurts- That’s now his excuse to be done bc he didn’t actually touch anyone but I did. Says it’s not wrong to have female photos on his phone
"Abandoned and left on the side of the road dead" is exactly right. I actually feel like I'm moldy left over food, forgotten then tossed in the trash. It is truly self-centered and evil what some spouses are capable of. Hard lesson learned. 15 years lost.
You can move on with a new exciting life without him. I hope you have. Look ahead to a new future. Don’t look back.
Found out my wife of 15 years was cheating.i feel you
@@jamesritch5245 I just found out my wife of 17yrs has been cheating. Its devastating.. add to the fact that shes not remorseful or hasnt lifted a finger to try to fix us and puts all the blame on me..... i just dont know anymore.
@@Boniggy2500 dang, 12 yrs here..found out she's been seeing him while I've been out of town. Worst part is my selfish and impossibly hard headed addiction that led to me leaving my finances and family in shambles. But I guess it hurts when they Choose to hurt you over misunderstandings in life and loss.i tell you every part of me that ever had wonderment has died. A shell of man stands before the mirror
My husband cheated on me a week into my marriage and never stopped but will not sign our divorce agreement. He didn't break my heart he pulverised it into dust. Cheating so many times is simply abusive. We separated years ago when I found out he had a baby with his mistress. My son was the same age as hers. Our only minor child is 10, the others are grown up but I have had to co-parent for years. Each time I see my husband he begs me to come home but I cannot stand the sight of him and I only swallow my tongue for my son. I believe it was because time and time I tried to speak to him and he refused. After feeling abandoned and rejected so many times I simply built a wall and refused to let him in ever again. How can someone refuse to let me go but never cared for me in the marriage. I just want to be free of him and free of my past so I can heal and move on.
I am right there with ya, it's the worst feeling, makes us feel unworthy, useless, like we did something to deserve the treatment they give us, I'm just always sad or mad!
My husband said he was sorry. But I could tell that it really wasn't heartfelt.. His words and actions since have proved it.
Sorry to hear this
My wife said the exact same thing today and the exact same emotions
Sigh I know what you mean
@@elijahmeza2479 she said sorry and didn't mean it?
If his actions are not repeated cheating, you might be misreading something
I don't understand how someone can possibly give a thumbs down to this video. This is the good stuff and where healing is.
My husband will never see things this way, he refuses to take responsibility
They go silent bc they can’t forgive themselves and find it so hard to believe they sinned against you
I respectfully disagree. They go silent because they are afraid of the consequences
2 years ago when I first watched this, I was hopeful and trying. Now, I find myself having to protect myself from a husband who brought a 2nd dday, continues to disregard and minimize my trauma, has never made himself vulnerable, cannot empathize with me, doesn't listen to mt needs or concerns, and I am tired.
Absolutely on point! This is exactly how I feel. But I am supposed to just get over it and move on. The lack of empathy is just overwhelming. I am not allowed to talk about it because it’s just too uncomfortable for him. He won’t go to counseling with me or even for himself. I don’t want to file for a divorce but I don’t think I have anything left to give because I have no strength left to fight for this marriage.
I am feeling the same. I am not allowed to bring it up, or cry. I’m supposed to get over it. I am devastated and don’t know to heal
I'm 19 months into this chaos and closer than ever to "moving on" as he keeps pressuring me to do, except not the way he's suggesting. I need my life back.
I found out she had cheated on me with a coworker 2 months ago after 13 years and 2 children together. Ever since then she seems like a different woman. I try to explain how it makes me feel and she sits and listens but doesn't offer anything more than excuses and deflections I want things to work out between us but I dont know this woman anymore. She has told me several times in the past month that she doesn't feel like she can make me happy anymore. She wont give any details about the affair because "she loves me and doesnt wanna hurt me" She told me it had happened after an arguement between us.. but when she told me she said she had feelings for him. I have so many questions that go unanswered and I feel like forgiveness is impossible without complete honesty.
Often times, we say we want the details, but it probably won't add to your healing. It'll more than likely add to your anger, hurt, and pain. Then, you'll start wondering more - did they do this? Did they do that? When you said you were here, were you there? I knew something was going on! Whatever it is, I think the details make things worse. But, you know yourself far better than I do. I hope the healing is a daily walk in the right direction. Take care.
Going through the same exact thing! My wife said she couldn't make me happy...
I am in a similar place. 12 years and 2 kids into my “dream marriage”, I was blind sided.
Sounds like she is still cheating.
I know he feels bad & is sorry & I know he's having a rough time but I want him to suffer. Sometimes I feel sorry for him but then I remember how he didn't even bother thinking about me while he cheated. I'm not a mean person but I'm so ticked, I feel like he has no right to expect me to just be over it ever. I don't know if he should be allowed to not live in agony because he sure made me live that way for way to long. I just can't figure out how to not be royally ticked off that he would go out & purposely seek out other women & come home to me like nothing happened. How do you ever let that go?
My partner wounded me and our relationship in a grave way right in the middle of our pregnancy. He wanted to separate and “hurry up and be done” with me and I had no energy to fight him for his freedom. Now that I am open to rebuilding a foundation strictly rooted in commonality as parental partners, he feels entitled to a second chance at romance. He told me “you’re using these wounds as a crutch to not meet me where I’m at.” My jaw has been dropped since. I can’t believe this man. I’m still pregnant, and he is still feeling entitled to the privilege that my romantic love is. It’s wild he feels so worthy of a second chance but I’m somehow not worthy or allowed due process? Crazy. * *sends him this video* *
I'm so sorry to hear about this. No one deserves this kind of treatment. At the time of me writing this message, you posted your message 10 months ago. How are you now? Is your baby fine and healthy? Whatever happened between your Wayward Spouse? I hope that everything worked out for the best for you.
I was betrayed 37 years ago and thought I had forgiven her, but my PBT has recently come back in full force. To the point I'm considering ending a 48 year marriage.
I understand how you feel, my wife betrayed me almost 5 decades ago and even though we stayed together and had 3 sons, I delt with the pain by holding onto hatred for her affair partner and rage toward her. These emotions were supernaturally removed and all I have left is the pain. I keep praying that she will one day realize the damage she inflicted
26 years ago for me. We stayed together and had four children. I even told her years after that I hadn't really forgiven her. She weaponized it and used it against me. Recently, when I tried to talk to her and tell her how I was feeling and thinking about it, again weaponized and made to feel like I didn't have a right to still feel the way I do. It has been a daily struggle all this time and now I feel re-betrayed and wondering how much longer can we last.
My unfaithful husband kept saying he wanted to work on things "his way" which apparently included keeping his side chick around if I didn't do things his way. He has no comprehension or empathy for what he did to me at all. He thinks I should just "get over it". After a year of separation where he refuses to get outside help or acknowledge what he did, I am finally done.
I'm sorry for the pain you're in my friend. obviously he is not getting it. i would not be surprised if he has some great awakening after you file for divorce or separation. being done is probably the best thing for you right now so that you can move on and get the help you need to heal and recover. i'm sorry it hurts this much though.
Overcoming Infidelity I did separate from him last june. Filed for divorce in September when he refused to stop seeing her. He keeps telling me he wants to work on it but doesn't want to put himself in any difficulty or make the tremendous effort it will take. Meanwhile he keeps trying to insinuate himself in my life as if nothing happened and throws me crumbs like "I haven't seen her in three and a half weeks". It's a shame, our marriage was 21 years and he basically threw me and our children away. The good thing is, I am very strong, my kids are happy and we're going to be just fine.
@@gamingwithchildren6401 I know this is 7 months later but I really hope you and your kids are doing well.
My H says the same thing on handling things his way. It's like I am the one that did something wrong because he is the one that is setting boundaries. When we can talk. How long we talk. He offers no information. I have to ask questions. Then he has a breakdown and can't talk more than 30 minutes once a week!! How can you recover without talking????
@@cathycarnes5638 it's tough. i'm sorry that it's going that way. often times, and it was this way for us, you need an expert third party who can be objective and help foster healthy communication. i would search that out my friend.
I have been watching quite a few of these.. man o man when it happened to me back in the 90's..there was nothing like these outputs for understanding. Being the betrayed partner ..and not having resources like this for understanding....back then. To say i still am recovering is an understatement
When my wife would respond to me telling her about a trigger that caused me to withdraw during a family dinner or to get melancholy - by saying something like "well I just feel like nothing I'm doing is ever going to be okay", my mind can't help but see her making the same mistake for the 4th, 5th, or 6th time. I'm extremely careful to not develop borderline personality habits, but she continues getting defensively tearful and shuts my vulnerability down. Sometimes I wish we didn't have kids so that I could have been able to just leave.
Truly feel for you.
How do you get on the other side of anger when they refuse to come clean in first place.
So true...
The other woman phoned me and admitted everything. But he still denies it and now she is the one who lies..
My husband said he was sorry and then he wants to love bomb me. He’s afraid I’m going to leave so it’s a response of fear. I just need space from him. He’s hurt the trust, the love, and skewed my view of the world. The love bombing is very annoying because it never lasts.
Let me give a little Insight to those who betrayed. From a betrayed aspect.
Have you ever been extremely angry at someone, and then they try to do something funny or nice and all you feel is anger in the moment and dont want to engage them in a way that makes them feel like everything is ok? That's exactly how it feels for a betrayed. Only X a million.
You want to acknowledge the person's efforts. But you are so hurt and angry that it hurts to give that person anything positive. You dont want them getting the idea that everything is ok. So be patient. Keep trying. Every little bit you do, does indeed chip away that hurt. It will never be gone fully, but your efforts can help make right, what you wronged.
dre L.S. Is so true. I suspect my husband is cheating, I have caught him in lying. With a coworker wen I have warn him to stay away from her because I noticed how they are behaving, it hurt so much. Even though he denied it. My heart tells me otherwise. I can’t seem to get pass the hurt. I know I need to forgive. This will help me not them. I Ben married 36 years and my marriage it’s Ben rocky for more than 17 years. I stay with him not for me but for my children. Now they are grown and gone and I need to make a decision weather I stay or leave or get counseling. I know I must move on.
Martha Lamontagne hugs to you. I understand how you feel. There’s a video that talks about attachment and I think that will help you understand why you feel the way you do. My husband did the same thing with his coworker and I warned him that I felt uncomfortable with their relationship. He told her and they continued to talk. Now I’m at a point where I’m here because of finances and my daughter.
Thank u for that
This speaks to me
We can't undo our betrayals but we can prevent how long it affects our relationships, our health, our work, and our lives.
The gift in betrayal is it lays the foundation in transformation if we're willing to use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Agreed, but what if you are betrayed twice ?
Being cheated on in a marriage often affects one for the rest of their lives.
It is a massive life changing event -
Whether one stays married or not.
We can grow and be better in many ways, but the scar will always be there.
The wound is too profound to pretend otherwise.
I agree we can still go on to live beautiful, productive lives.
But the possibility of still being hurt when that wound is touched will always be there.
Being cheated on in a marriage changes who you are.
It is the most painful & destructive thing most people will ever experience in their lifetime.
He shuts down when i need him the most
I can relate to so many of these comments. Just a few days ago it was confirmed that my husband betrayed me. I’m cycling through a few emotions right now, but I feel I have been very gracious considering the situation. He does not know how to communicate deeper frustrations, which has led to lots of conflict in the past. I let him know before, and again, that he can turn to me. The problems worsen with him turning to other distractions.
I am very good at expressing my emotions, and he can’t handle it. I understand the cheater going into defense mode, which is why I’ve been pretty damn calm. But then he still does not put in enough effort into dealing with the current situation. I’ve told him how that comes off as dismissive. And how dare the betrayer have an attitude with the betrayed over how they respond? And many of them will try to criticize your response as a way to deflect from what they’ve done.
Incredibly frustrating...
often times JC it takes an object third party to help work through the confusion and shame. it's 100% normal friend. try the free bootcamp with him here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp here's a video to explain more about the communication difficulty and how he can't really hear you too well right now: ruclips.net/video/YbzdOTviuBI/видео.html
My husband said he was sorry, but continued to do the same thing. He won't leave me . I wish he would so I can move on he just keeps going like nothing happened. It's too late in the process of him betraying me, I found someone else. It just hurts me because everything feels like a lie. It's been 5 years and I still can't move on, I mean what is he waiting for , either leave or show some remorse or an attempt to make things better , still nothing.
This is all possible if the "truth" is confessed.
wow, this is exactly what we've dealing with the past 3 months, i ask and beg him to stop the affair, but he just wont do it, he even said so many hurtful things bcoz of me confronting the other woman, he was so mad at me for saying hurtful things to his lover... and it really made me decide to finally leave him. so heartbreaking
I just realized you said it made you finally leave him ugh I'm so sorry. Im happy for you. You are sooo strong!
What do we do when they refuse to admit what they did even when you have proof of what they did
many unf spouses do this. it's unfortunately more common than you think. they would often times rather live in denial as they don't want to admit to it and don't want to embrace the reality of their choices and consequences. i think if you have irrefutable proof, you may need to consider pulling back from them and creating space for them to get healthy and get help. if they are refusing to get help, even after proof, that says something very concerning about their mental state and their emotional state and how they care for you as their spouse/partner.
I went through this exact thing and got lied to over even though I knew he was lying.
One short answer changed everything for me: boundaries. I needed to set them for my sanity and to take care of me. Also to protect me from his gaslighting & dysfunction. He can lie all he wants but it’s unacceptable for me.
@@stephaniestafford3797 please guide what kind of boundaries you have set up.In my case I too lacked boundaries and sometimes I feel bad when I say no but that's because he then acts like I am now a monster and says he don't know me like that.
New person M .. I understand how you feel. It’s really hard to say no and then get blamed for being mean. However, that is the key. Is to continue to say no. You are not to blame for their feelings. They are responsible for their own feelings. Here is an example of a boundary that I use in my marriage...if my husband gets defensive and blames me for saying to no to something I calmly let him know “ if you are going to continue to speak to me that way then I’m leaving the room and will be glad to speak with you when you are calmed down”. The choice is up to him. I do not have stand for someone’s else’s inability to handle their emotions. Just as I would expect my husband to tell me the same thing. Boundaries force the other person to take responsibility for their actions and it’s uncomfortable for those that don’t want to do that.
I hope this helps you. I’ll be praying for you and your situation as well.
Stephanie Stafford yea. That’s good stuff. Did you read the ‘boundaries’ book?
When a spouse try’s to justify or reason that you pushed them in to it is the worst. Makes me not want to talk to my spouse at all
Believe me I deal with what actually you talking about. Because my husband said the reason that day he go out and didn’t came home because of me. Blame games.
Same! It’s always us not them
@@montramaya5324 same story
Same here
What do you do if you have been married 25 years, and just found out that the "fling" you forgave was really a 7 year affair??? That is what I'm dealing with.
I’m sorry
That's crazy. What did you do? I can't even imagine. Sending you strength and hope.
I genuinely agree with most of what you've said. I'm the betrayed spouse and when you mentioned that when the unfaithful make efforts to communicate, gift, etc. we should try to accept them as good faith efforts. However, this would require trust. It's not always a place of anger. It's a place of distrust of motives. It's also hard for the betrayed because it may require the betrayed to forsake her heart or gut when she's questioning things, which in turn feels a lot like the past when the betrayed would question things in her marriage and the unfaithful would use manipulation to spin her thoughts or reaponses. Again, overall I would suggest that the betrayed try to really consider the situation and think with both her heart and mind before responding. I believe this is a more realistic and healthier approach vs trying to convince yourself that he/his efforts are "good."
Thanks for the videos. They are so helpful and healing!
100% right. Well said
Perfect timing for me to hear this as a betrayed. I have reached that point where I feel like i'm retreating within myself and building a wall with most of the things you described both of us should be doing instead of not be doing. This is part of the work, i understand that.
I also understand that this is a learning process too that takes time and A LOT of patience.
Last night, I started to open up and try to talk to my spouse like many times before and I stopped because I remembered how he responded by shutting me down by refusing to touch on anything or quickly trying to change the "channel" when he asks, "What's on your mind?" or "What's wrong?" When he looks at me or we're on a long drive. I used to say "nothing", but I changed that to letting it out..THANKS TO YOU GUYS!
I love that I can express my emotions safely, honestly, and effectively.
that's awesome to hear. so glad it's helped you. thank you for sharing that.
I agree with this. But the unfaithful never ever did this. Never remorseful always called me crazy and stupid for being upset about triggers.
Called me horrible names. Wouldn't be transparent and demanded trust and forgiveness.
i'm very sorry for that my friend. that's very abusive and narcissistic.
Not when you’re dealing with a cheating narcissist. Their apology and gift giving is only a HOOVERING way to get you back into the marriage that they already destroyed repeatedly .By Amelia
This is about porn addiction.
I was shocked and judgmental at first.
I tried therapy, honesty, openness, information sharing etc. what I got in return was, repeats, denials, secrecy, cover ups and insulting excuses.
I was love bommed, given many gifts and reminded of all the good he does.
I had shut down and blamed for not trusting and blaming my past abuse and CPTSD,.
I had to walk away yesterday,
I am gutted.
As someone who has just experienced the whole unfaithful partner relationship. I had all of the anger and blame scenario, from him. Then my thoughts and anxiety at the situation was slowly killing me inside. I found that affirmations of forgiveness worked for me, forgiveness heals you not the unfaithful person, drop the anger the anxiety, the frustration and give yourself the chance to heal.
What about if the betrayed becomes the ideal betrayed because the unfaithful says something like: I’m thinking about divorcing you because I don’t think you can handle this problem.
So you can never share your hurt or trauma because if he sees how upset and sad you are he’ll divorce you. For being hurt. If you don’t pretend like everything is ok he’ll leave you. Even though you’ve been faithful to him and strived to forgive. So when I’m hurt or shaking with trauma I keep it to myself. I have kids and no abuse is going on. So to keep my family together I’ll keep my tears to myself or I’ll force them to stop. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone.
it sounds like manipulation to be honest. like, 'you don't get to share your pain or hurt and if you do, i'll divorce you.' it's him controlling you and your emotions and what you're allowed to feel. how does he get to decide how you handle one of the most traumatic events of your life? i don't think you can bury that pain for too long before it eats you up my friend. you need help to deal with your own trauma and pain.
My husband does this to me, tells me I've had enough time to be upset about his porn addiction and tells me it's time to get over it. He threatens to leave me if I keep being upset about it or bring it up. Is it manipulation? Definitely!
Usual control and manipulation from the unfaithful spouse,happened to me too.Before he abandoned me,he always threaten to leave if ever I’ll confide their double betrayal to our common friends,relatives and family.That’s how miserable,isolated and how bad his mental and emotional abuse he inflicted on me not to mention their bold and shameless advances as if they don’t care I existed.
I caught him cheating and left with our kids, he followed us and swore he would change and fight for us. I kept catching him lying and hiding things, micro cheating/crossing boundaries but he'd get defensive and say I was overreacting and he wasn't doing anything wrong. I caught him talking to another girl after we had a baby and he ended up leaving our family for her. He said he couldn't handle my insecurities and wanted something new. So he's living g his new life with her while the kids and I are trying to heal and move forward
Always defending the unfaithfull spouse, it is all about their feelings all the time, what about the betrayed spouse's feelings?? We also have to heal!
I’ve been dealing with this for nine months. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on in this marriage I have being betrayed. I didn’t ask for this pain. I forgive him. But marriage doesn’t mean infidelity to me. I think I need to recover alone.
I amazed that I can relate to, and can’t believe that what he explained is exactly how my marriage began to heal. My spouse came to me confessing, and giving details for starters. His blatant honesty in the beginning played a huge factor to begin recovery.
I wish my wife would be like that.. it would score miles with me in recovery if she would.
My husband also did this. It wasn’t something I discovered. Rather he told me I’m not happy and then admitted he had feelings for his coworker. Then he confessed when he kissed her and even confessed to our church leaders, he felt guilty! Then he confessed when he slept with her. Just before this he had told me he regretted his decisions and wanted to mend the damage he’d caused. But I don’t get it, was he just being honest because the guilt was so bad or did he he not hide it because he’s not afraid he’ll lose me?
Right now I see small improvements but he is still somewhat distant. Like physically present but in other things he’s not there yet. Still have no access to his phone, doesn’t want me to use his car supposedly because I could connect to the blutooth and track it? He is also not looking to win me back, to be romantic. I’m not sure if it’s just the guilt or if he is secretly hoping this girl will contact him again
Does anyone here think that when your husband tells another woman in front of you on the phone that her body is beautiful is cheating?
Yes
As soon as he starts trying to meet my needs in reconciling then I'll be fair. It isn't my job now to make him feel safe. He cheated.
I wish i could move on, I'll never be with anyone again. This is 4 years after he left. I dont see me changing my mind. His affair has crippled me emotionally as well as physically. I work but he is the one with the career i raised our 4 kid's, i have nothing and he has everything. How is this justice?
Same.
Endlessly trying to come back to life .
One aspect in the betrayed that we often miss is their inner wisdom. Wisdom can shatter any further attacks by the traitor. Wisdom is present in most of us. Use it to find the unshakable strength that you have. It is more strong than you can even imagine.
Right on
I thought your video and message was very helpful. However, in my situation, my spouse (who was the unfaithful) communicates very little. When I need to talk about what happened, he doesn't want to and if we do get that far, he basically sits there quietly and emotionless. It becomes a monologue for me. As I talk, sob, ask questions and receive little feedback from him, I become hurt, very angry and frustrated, which usually leads to emotional outrage on my part with regrets later. This has become a horrible cycle with us. Could you please address an unfaithful spouse who does not communicate well, and provide tips for the betrayed spouse of the unfaithful spouse who behaves in this manner, as what to do. I am at a loss.
I get the same treatment. Either he doesn't talk or he becomes defensive and make it all about HOW BAD HE IS FEELING ABOUT WHAT HE HAS DONE???? Why always make it about yourself? THAT IS EXACTLY HOW WE GOT WHERE WE ARE, because it is always about YOU? Jean, this to me is passive aggressive behaviour and only makes things worse. You feel worse after trying to talk and then yet again being dismissed and left feeling abandoned? ITS HORRIBLE!!!!
I feel you.I'm going through the same thing at the moment and I just can't do it anymore.
It sounds like he may be an avoidant partner. It is an attachment style. He would need therapy to heal that pattern.
@@zhibyful yes. I recently watch a video on attachment styles.
I have the same experience. when I learned about Intimacy anorexia with Dr. Doug Weiss it made a huge difference in my recovery from betrayal trauma.
I’ve lashed out, I’ve called him every name under the sun, finishing with I don’t love you, there is no love here, so why won’t you damn well leave. It’s my home and he won’t go. It’s a disgusting place to be, I can tell you that.
My husband said his affair was a mistake & he don't know why he had sex with her and he knew it was a mistake when he had sex with her. Well I could believe him if he hadn't have went back and done it again & again
"It was terrible. It made me sick. I felt like dying" and yet you went and did it 3 times 😅💔. Make it make sense😔
He's lying a mistake is once I hope your doing well 👍
My ex (not husband ) begged me to stay after I caught him over Christmas . he promised to spend the rest of our lives making it up to me . He then did exactly what this video is talking about and ignored me for days . After a month of trying so hard ( after almost two years together ) , we just mutually ended it . Feeling so stupid that not only did he have a whole other relationship for our entire relationship, but now I deal with the fact that he doesn’t even want me after this
Abandoned is not even strong enough of a word. My spouse didnt even have the decency to leave me out of the affair.
same, i feel your pain
I always hear “I am sorry” but then turns around and keeps cheating. It’s never going to stop.
So true
I have been trying so hard to get the father of my children to stop cheating on me. I’ve adapted to his wants and needs, I’ve been nice and gentle with him and just honest about my feelings. Three years later and he’s still going to clubs and coming home at 3-4am. He Neglects me and our children because he has an addiction to sex, porn, and anything to do with naked women. I am ready to give up. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but I don’t feel wanted or safe or protected. Thanks for the video it is extremely informative even 5 years later lol.
Thank you. I'm in this place right now. You validate how I'm feeling right now. Thank you.
I spent more than a year in a dark hole of hating myself for my actions. It kept me from putting the real work in, no matter how badly I wanted to help her heal. I ran out of time and grace. Please don’t fall into that same trap. Your loved one deserves better than what I gave mine. She deserved so much better, and I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to forgive myself and move on
Omg- this is so true. As a betrayed- the comments “tired of these conversations. Can we talk about the weather? We just couldn’t talk anymore...” And now- after I’ve learned the truth- just grieve and be done on his time! And the constant, “I want this to work BUT just not sure it’s going to work.” This is from the unfaithful.
It bothers me when we agree on something like putting his phone on the counter when we goes to the bathroom and he'll do it a few times then go back to it. I don't want to nag him. I want him to want this...
Boy do I know this feeling. I don’t want to have to ask for openness, I dont want to have to ask for disclosure, I don’t want to have to ask for transparency. It’s nice when it happens the first few times but it’s like they think that doing it once or twice or three times suddenly has made all things right in the world. No. Transparency and openness should be the new norm. It shouldn’t require us, the betrayed, to have to mention it or nagg about it, or be the only ones prioritizing it.
You have to take it away for him to realize he wants it. Sadly, this is what it takes very often. Do not be afraid that he won't want it. That was my most paralyzing fear was that I'd remove myself from him and he wouldn't even care or notice, or worse: fearing it would drive him back to what he was doing. It won't though, you have to be brave. PS - next time he takes the phone to the bathroom, call the phone and ask him where it is.
A flip phone will suffice. I tell you the temptation is too great for the weak like me to endure without intervention. It took God to humble me through the Gospel, to show me how wicked I have become, for the madness to end. Whatever it takes to make us see how what we do is evil, since until that is revealed we tend to consider our lust insignificant or inescapable. We make excuses to ourselves to justify our lies and become disconnected from the pain we cause those we love. Addiction requires removal of the means of temptation until the addiction is made clear to us afflicted, or old habits resurface endlessly. But we must be willing to sacrifice our addiction in exchange for salvation, or it won't work. It is a long hard lesson I had to learn, may your family be free of this evil and heal.
I couldn't agree more. There's no reason they should be taking there phone in the restroom with them, once they have proven they can't be trusted. From this point 100 percent transparency and 100 percent open communication with no secrets, lies, passwords etc.
Exactly mine says what do you want. In my mind it’s simple, I want you to want to do these things which are basic compassion principles. I guess some people just don’t have empathy or consideration for others...even their spouse. It’s never his fault, meanwhile I’m over here raising and providing everything for my children by myself. It’s hard to walk away but my spouse just isn’t the same person I vowed to be with till death. I already feel like a single mom. Fml
You nailed this subject.
SPOT ON, thank you, thank you, thank you for articulating exactly what betrayed wives are feeling!!!
Unfortunately my husband has been abusing and betraying me now for many years. I suspected recently and then finally found out. I have been worn down by all the abuse over the years. I have been so worn out and in deep depression a great deal of it caused by the abuse.. And now I must dig myself out and become independent. I was all 100 hundred percent into my marriage. I wanted the best for him and me and no holding back. Now I see maybe most if not all of it was a sham. At this point it's so hard to decide the truth from the lies. He has truly destroyed me to my core and made me feel like I'm not worth a piece of excrement on the bottom of his shoe. But at least I've learned that I will not tell him this.
Mine too
I pray that women all over this world and in this commentary will come out of despair and hurt. I pray your hurts be healed and everyday through ups and downs The Lord will bring you out of this darkness and heal you from inside out and deliver you from cruel and unhealthy people and relationships In the name of JESUS MAY WE ALL COME OUT BETTER THAN WHEN WE WENT IN ...AMEN
That’s basically my experience as well. I’ve been divorced for 4 years now & I am better, but I will always have the trauma walking with me.
@@Azzariiz2cute Thank you for that prayer. Have you heard of the powerful prayer in pleading the blood of Jesus over a matter? I think it a special protection. I have been praying this prayer over our marriage since I have been standing alone for my marriage. Actually I have experienced success in a lot ways. I am still working on me, standing and praying.
It could not be told any better. My worse pain being put so to the point yet the hurt was properly represented. Your awesome man!
just a survivor trying to help brother. i'm sorry you're going through this. glad you're here though.
oh and thanks for the kind words. very encouraging my friend and not all days doing this are encouraging so i appreciate you so much.
I have a 40 year marriage and I can tell you there are some very difficult days and I know I have more to come but we have had some very deep conversations far deeper than we have had in those 40 years with my wife and myself. I like you am the betrayed spouse, this hit me like a Mack truck coming 80 miles an hour at me. I NEVER thought such a thing could happen to our marriage. I find myself lashing out at her, things I have not done in all these years. I don;t think this is anything I have typically done but this brought much to a head. We are working through things, I know she is remorseful but I still cannot believe entirely that she will not do this again, I never thought she would do it in the first place. Trust for such a long period of time is really hard to get back. Wow, it hurts and I know you feel the same way. I find myself listening to music at times and things just hit me and bring tears to my eyes. I find myself staring into space and sometimes wonder where I am and what happened. I could take the day staring like that but I have so many other things to do.
This was definitely an amazing video OMG. I could watch this 1000 times. It is so encouraging and he hit every point like a nail on the head. 😍😍. Thank you for sharing you true story and being a person that has went through this to help others. It is always easy to say what you’d do if you were in a situation. But until you walk a mile in those shoes, you really can’t say much.
I was always a go getem kind of person, upbeat, always doing things with the children, now after his enormous betrayal, I'm tired, i have no motivation, I don't have many friends around and I'm good with that. Will i ever be myself again? I try so hard to be positive but deep down I'm waiting for what's going to break next if you know what i mean.
Thank you for this. I feel very validated. my unfaithful shuts down and turns cold when I try to express my feelings. I sent this to him because he says he really wants to change and I think he needs to hear this.
You got me journaling really hard for me thanks
so glad my friend. it will help immensely.
Private disconnected insanity....you hit it on the nail head...the insidious imagery in the mind is insanity..
get help and get support Renata. i'm so sorry for the pain, but don't do it alone.
It's torture..the things I imagined about him and my wife were probably worse than the reality. She wouldn't tell me anything about the affair, why she did it...I get stonewalled so my imagination fills in the blanks that she won't tell me. It's torture and yes, total self sabotage which is insane.
Your video broke the dam. I can’t stop crying.😥
Thank you for your passion and honesty.
I love your message. That is exactly what my partner is doing and it keeps me hate him more. Every time i try to bring out the problem so we can talk and deal with it he always change the topic. I feel like i'm the villain in the story. It's like i'm the one doing the affair. It's very devastating and in order to help myself i am trying to be positive and someday i will leave.
jane bandao yes it’s horrible!!! I feel the same
same here...she only bowes down her head, cries and talks very little when we're together, ... but, gives information when we are chatting online when i cant see her expressions...
Very helpful and constructive message that you're giving. After warching two of your videos i definitely had to subscribe. Thank you.
so glad you're here. thank you for watching and commenting.
What a great video!! Thank you so much!! 🙏🏼💙
I sat and listened and he spent a whole hour blaming and belittling me. He told me I had to change. We are in the Limbo stage, just in the house living. The Trauma is just horrendous for me.
i'm very sorry my friend. our site affairrecovery.com can help. you can also watch the videos on trauma by MJ and I on youtube as they will help you. there is a book called the body keeps the score that will address the trauma as well.
So damn accurate. I think he literally wants me dead sometimes, he cares so little.
You're accurate on the points of me interrupting all the time.. and then again when he thinks he's not good enough and gives up.
That pretty much describes what's been happening. Pitfalls are a great word for these things.
And yes I definitely feel that way about gifts etc, because I feel pacified. I don't want him to stop doing it but I always feel like his motives are fake. But he gives up so easily. Just like what you said.
This is exactly where I am. While I appreciate the gifts, I feel like he's trying to buy my love than to really have the conversation about what's going on inside me. How can you say you love when you won't take or make the time to listen.
Thank you for this! I needed it very very much!
you're very welcome.
This definitely speaks about me. I was unfaithful to my spouse and that crushed him in so many ways. I don't even know how or where to start to say I'm truly sorry.
are you getting any help? have you looked into any courses to get healthy yourself? there are a few places you can start if you're able and willing my friend. there's always a way to start when we want to get healthy. happy to help in any way i can. easier at samuel@hope-now.com or @infidelityscars on twitter
I truly appreciate these videos. As the betrayed I can say I am guilty of doing some of these things and it has in fact caused more distance between us. I also at one point was the betrayer to a previous spouse. So hearing both side and now feeling both side this has been extremely helpful to me in trying to work harder in recovery not just for me but for him as well. Thank you for these.
💯💯💯💯💯 pretty accurate, I only wish you had MORE of these examples!!
Good information. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for your help. I am now getting help with the boot camp
fantastic
These videos are life-changing.
Thank you. I needed this today
Sweetheart C, thank you for all of your forgiveness, in every way you give it. May I live up to your every hope for fidelity, every day of my life.