The Narcissist Rating Scale
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- Опубликовано: 16 май 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. 
Развлечения
Is this unusual for a narcissist?…… every time I need a day surgery or more my narc develops suddenly a very similar or goes to dr & comes home shuffling along or needing to go to bed & do nothing for days even a week at a time. He cries & whinges expecting sympathy & how he’s sicker or worse!
Mine does this. I have been totally baffled by this
Just don’t do too many surgeries it’s damaging and addictive
Totally normal for many Narcs!
Yup! Mine decided to have elective surgery 3 weeks before our baby was due because the doctor ‘might’ retire!
Thank you for asking. I was wondering about this with a friend of mine...
Malignant narcissist are definitely the absolute worst. No human being should ever have to deal with that.
Also this💛
🤨
Coercive control always starts at level 1 and rises gradually to 10. It’s like being that frog in the heated saucepan; by the time you manage to work out the problem isn’t you, it’s too late to get out.
it's not too late...there is help out here..
great point
Level 10 vulnerable narcissist, paranoid, manipulative, vengeful and overall incapable of empathy but very good at feigning it to be the victim. This scale is sooo good, thank you 🙏🏻
To not be loved is one thing, to not be cared for hurts.
Narcissistic love to children especially IS NOT LOVE- and just quietly I would have given my soul as a child to have narc parents who didn’t care - neglect can be a blessing for two malignant narc parents. Btw they have both been DX’d in a 3 hour “family” conference where two clinical psychologists and one psychiatrist whom observed them to verify the claims they made. One 1️⃣ of the psychs came away after - hugged me, told me i had downplayed / granted them way too much grace in my descriptions of them, and that “in my entire career that was the single most tragic, yet fascinating / 👁️ opening experience I have ever witnessed”. Felt so supported, and validated.
Say this
I had stepped away from this channel for quite a while. Now I’m back fully present and I’m not leaving. You’re my armor. One thing about being here that is so healthy for me is that nobody judges me for the fact that I’m back here. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani.
Yes, I agree. I know that maybe it's not healthy to watch video after video about narcs, but I need to regularly to remind myself that I am not weak and that it was not a dream, it really happened. And my decision to grey rock and block my ex narc from every single method of contact is the right one. Problem is that we have a 14-year-old son, but I am going to deal with him alone and to hell with the consequences. If I get involved in any contact with her - which is what she wants, of course - I'm finished, and hate myself again. NO NO NO NO NO. It must not happen again. These people are criminals and should be avoided at all costs.
@@SteveM-ly7oy I agree that regularly brushing up on tools and skills is very healing. I’m back because once again I am involved/ surrounded by a narcissist. Took about a year for everything to manifest and clearly show its nature.
I’m back again as well bc it’s taking so long to heal n when I try to make new friends, I seem to attract the narcs. The abuse is still in my physical body being purged….attracting what I’m purging. Now my heart is too cut off n the only way it expands just a little is in nature, where there is TRUTH.
Thank u Dr Ramani 💗💗
Something I learned in many years of good yoga practice - negative thought patterns in the mind can be replaced by more positive thought patterns in the mind. I watch Dr Ramani videos to learn and grow, but just also, as a way to combat/ replace the horrible ruminative thoughts in my mind about my narcissists.
1 out of 10 is enough to cause lifelong damage.
I think everyone has a 1 in narcissism at some point 8n their life….we all have narc traits just not a contium
No, it’s not. 1 is enough to get you a bit frustrated from time to time.
Yup..mine was between a 5 and a 6 and it was a 4 month relationship and I'm still ruminating😭
I don't know about scales but all narcs seem the same bullies. Surprisingly similar..any scale is unbearable
Unbelievable isn’t as bad as dangerous.
True!@@michaelgarrow3239
Agreed. They're one and the same but just varying degrees.
Negative ghost rider.
I met all sorts of narcissists, some worse than others. There were no "better" ones, even if they appeared to be nice. Neither are great to have in your life
Firstly - this is affirming your personal experience - but believe me there are narcs, NPD dx’d, and there are NARCS. As an example, Malignant Narcs dx’d (the nexus of antisocial personality disorder / psychopathy IRL) are the scale turned up to 11 - being raised by these human but vindictive husks is quite qualitatively different to mere interaction with your run of the mill lower level narc. Truly grateful you have not experienced the darkest triad tertrads of the spectrum. ♥️
@@hiloknowsall7462 there were a few times I recall meeting people who embodied psychopathic traits such as being callous, malicious, calculating, remorseless, and complete lacking of empathy. It felt like encountering a demonic presence. Thankfully I was never in a relationship with one but I always felt very uneasy whenever I was around such people. My point is narcissists, no matter how you rate them, are bad news. Being less malignant doesn't make one better than someone who is - just slightly more tolerable maybe but not enough to live with
@@hiloknowsall7462I see you met my birth mother.
@@tundrawomansays694 I’m sorry that our experiences are so similar - I can’t speak for everyone here nor will I attempt to but most despicable “mothers” made an ‘adult’ choice! Children are not a burden, and if they are, the best thing they could have done ✅ would have been to sell/give or find adoptive parents who would never be perfect but would never treat their children the way we were. I hope you are healing ❤️🩹 from what is…the worst of the worst. Our existence, and appparent “oxygen burner” status they accord is testament to the resilience required to survive such a perverse / nightmarish “childhood”. My heart ♥️ goes out to you. X
You haven’t experienced a 10 then. You’re lucky.
Regardless of a scale, narcissists are definitely bullies and cannot be trusted, so never go back.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
My ex is a level 10. I’ve even checked myself into a psych ward to escape him for a while. Constant rages and lying.I am in ptsd therapy now
My husband is a 10. Made me stand in front of our home and told me “if you try to leave me or not tell me. This will be the last time you see this. I will have you on the streets.” He is a raging mean demon.
I admire you for that. It takes real strength to check yourself into a psych ward. I hope your ctpsd therapy helps you heal.
I have had to go to the psych ward in the past, not wanting to sign divorce papers. Then I go and get into a relationship with a level 10 Narc, omg no more…I’m done, when I look back from when we first met? He sensed my vulnerability and I fell hard for him. The red flags I can see now being out.
Him not wanting to sign papers, so I left my husband, but made it worse by having a boyfriend, Narc as well
💛
Mine was a 10...11 month relationship, 3 PFMA charges (one of which involved cutting off my oxygen), and he is currently in jail awaiting trial for his 2nd felony stalking charge. This level of narcissist doesn't stop until something makes them stop...I am lucky/grateful to be alive, thanks to the awareness and training of law enforcement where I live. It took jail to stop him...who knows what will happen when he gets out, but for now, I am finally safe! ❤️
When he gets out maybe you need to move out of state. No social media with your address or phone
Cut off any mutuals. If you keep social media, then use a fake name that only family and safe friends know. I wouldn't even use your profile photo for awhile. Change your phone number and only give it to trusted people. If you can afford to move, move. Don't leave any trace of where you are, so that when he gets out, he can't find you. Maybe even consider changing your name. Maybe this is all too precautious, but better safe than sorry. This will also make it less likely you will feel you have to look over your shoulder when he gets out.
Arm yourself and put up surveillance. Never underestimate or overestimate your own ability to protect yourself. I would never recommend running like prey. This person would shoot you in the back.
@@user-hd6fc6hb7l Move NOW before he gets out! Plan ahead!
A million thank you's for this video --- i was doubting myself as they are a 1-3 and not bigger scale. This made me not gaslight myself and realize my perceptions are real and valid
Could be that they know they can successfully gaslight you, being a 1-3. Not so obvious.
Regardless of extremes, we should support each other as we heal. We all suffer through narcissistic abuse. Remaining cognizant of levels can remind us that processing and healing looks different for everyone. We all experience the pain of emotional abuse, manipulation, betrayal, confusion, isolation, and struggled to be heard but weren't valued. They all manage their smear campaigns well, making us look bad when we tried our best. They have no trouble throwing us under to remain in "good graces." Sharing experiences is a form of release. It's discouraging when we're met with others in the world who don't get it or blame us. This is a gift and safe place to share. I appreciate this community and Dr. Ramani - it's been a catalyst for major change, growth, healing. These videos and comments teach me something new every day...I see a lot of resilience here.
I have a friend who is a 1-3. It is annoying and hurtful at times.
Friends like that are so annoying. I went no contact with them. 📵
I have a friend like this as well. Sometimes I wonder…are we really friends? Or am I just being used for supply?
@@elizabethlawrence-qj2dz exactly! So many times. Then I start to wonder if she really thinks that I am completely oblivious or unconditionally compliant. Eventually it turns in to a realization that she really isn’t my friend. I am a convenience to her. Amazingly indifferent to my thoughts, feelings or schedules. Not in her radar at all. There are times that I don’t think it is “intentional” (per say). Almost like that wiring doesn’t exist. A void. That behavior has truly hurt my feelings at times. Like, gutted. Recently she realized that I saw her. 👀 We haven’t spoken for almost 7 months now. We used to get together a couple of times a week, for years.
She completely severed the cord, swiftly and absolutely. She is a licensed therapist and I have witnessed her scorn directed at others. With all of that being said, I feel that it is best to walk away for now. It still saddens me, I enjoyed many things about our friendship. Sorry to hear that your friend is similar. It is challenging, to say the least. 🐥
I had a friend like this until she discarded me in a text message after 20 years of so-called friendship. Beware !
@@elizabethlawrence-qj2dz anyone on the scale is using you for supply.
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
happy things are working out for you. but leaving is the best option in some cases.
I don't have ANY friends on the scale. Friendships are voluntary. I walk if the red flags start. I HAD to endure an NPD mother for 18 years. Needless to say, I don't have tons of friends. Don't need a ton just a few.
I was married to the narcissist in the eight to ten rate scale. I am still healing, my nerves are still shattered. Lord help me. Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏🇯🇲👑🙌💪🤲🩺💊🌹
At what point does narcism go into sociopath- psychopath?
Asking for a friend… 🤕
When the paranoid, grandiose, selfish, "me, me, me", low self esteem issues, bad social skills, crazy making rant about potato chips, etc, turns into stawlk3r, stand in the door way while you sleep, your pet goes missing, and your house has been stolen vibes.
@@specialtwice4975 - My house was stolen.
I'm going through a divorce and abuse criminal case with an 8-10 narc. Might I say it is a nightmare. I'm just starting into psychotherapy because the fear is greater than anything I've ever known.
I wish you well. Stay safe.
🙏🏻💜
Dr. Ramani; 5 stars and two thumbs up.🏆
I know a few 1-3 "friends" in a group that I hang out in...but my ex was a 4-7 vulnerable/ cerebral narcissist...3 years ago I didn't even know that narcissistic people existed...Thanks to you Dr Ramani and seeing one of your videos, things in my relationship started to make sense, I thought he was bipolar but it was much deeper than that. After two and a half years of No Contact, I feel that I have recovered almost completely...there are still a few remnants left but I can deal with and am much happier. I still watch your videos daily and have also learnt to recognize these toxic people, its not always easy, sometimes you have to meet them a few times as tgey are pretty clever, but sooner or later they slip up and you csn spot the tell tale signs... Thank you for helping so mzny people like myself...❤
Yeah, I know people like that and they shame those of us that chose to leave our dysfunctional marriages. Of course, it leads to lower status financially, but my health improved.
Thanks to your videos, Dr Ramani, I can now recognize narcissistic behaviour when friends describe it to me. I can be way more supportive even if I haven’t experienced the same type of interaction myself.
I hope there will be many more people like you who recognize narcissism and the harm it does. It means so much!
I have a sister-in-law...a full-blown 10! I can't have a relationship with my brother as a result.
Same here
Same here. It's so sad. 💔
💔
My ex-coworker is on scale 10. He wreaked havoc on the workplace. As a result, all team members except him left the company. 🏃🏃♂💨💨
😂 so is he the boss now? Or was? I have so many questions!
I was with my ex for 28 years. On this scale, he was probably a 3-4. When I told him the date for the scheduled c- section for our second child, he said it wasn't convenient for him and wanted me to change it. He would give me and the kids lists of chores to do on weekends and then be in his office or go for a bike ride. Meals were never good enough. After asking me or the kids about somwe wanted or wanted to do, he'd then badger us dismissing our desires until we gave up and did what he thought was right. Then get mad if we weren't happy. It was very difficult, and I dealt with depression for years and now anxiety. We've been apart 10 years, and I still struggle with the fallout as do our grown sons.
Thank you so much dr Ramani...your channel literally saved my life and my sanity..
I was in a relationship with one 5 years, and I used the FBI profiler's rating scale, and she was rated on those as 'Imminent danger' on all 4 scales, at one point I ended up even arrested. For the malignant toxic narcissists, there indeed are 'Worse' ones, trust me.
Brilliant. I hadn't gotten that It's Not You was written about mid-range narcissism. This was a light bulb clarification for me. Thank you! Watching again right now.
Even a scale of a no. 1 it truly does suck because people like this will not be better. They like and believe what they do is right. It’s crazy evil if you ask me . We will have people like this on this earth !!
My dad was a horrible narcissist, but now I realize my mom was too. She got us to school, but that was about it. Neither ever attended any of my events growing up. Others in the family bought me clothes and shoes. Sometimes there was no food in the house. She didn't verbally abuse me like dad did, but she still didn't care all that much. So I would consider her a 1-3.
Please keep in mind that your mom's behaviour might also be a result of your dad's abuse. There were times, especially during COVID when I couldn't travel overseas to visit my family, I got so depressed and wanted to end my life every day. I wasn't there for my son a lot of the time. Did your mum at least care for your basic needs? Such as cooking when there's food in the house, washing clothes, If she did. I think she might be just really depressed.
This is so interesting to me. As a nurse, I ask people every day to rate their pain on a scale 1-10. To some, this seems foolish - but it’s important, because that is how we tell if the pain management provided is working. It’s subjective not objective - so it all depends on the way the patient perceives and also tolerates their pain. I was taught in school, pain is what the patient tells you it is. I think with this situation it may be the same. What I rate a 5 on the narcissist scale, may seem like an 8 to someone else. After listening to this video, I’m still not sure where I would place one particular narcissist. He was so confusing and scary at times. I can definitely see several friends/relatives in the 1-3 range.
Having a 1-3 partner is tricky, a relative, unavoidable. But a friend ?
F That ! Ditch them.
Who needs that BS in their lives ?!?!!
I've come to accept my feelings, whether it be a 1 or a 10 I'm facing.
I thought I might be overreacting when I reached my breaking point and went no contact. It wasn't until the narcissist physically attacked a mutual friend, that I felt justified in my action.
Now that I know better, I know to trust myself.
Thank you Dr. Ramini. ❤
I am hoping the politicians that are having to endure/ get anything done, while trying to keep sane with the individuals on the scale from 8 to 10 gain strength-understanding on how to handle the chaos- danger that is present
I totally agree with you. And this awareness should happen at the local, national and international level too.
Communities, countries and the world as a whole, badly need it.
@@victoriam9319 You've got to get involved at the grass roots level. -25-year political activist at age 75
Coercion 10+ which made my life a living hell. Thank God I'm free now!
Just want to say thank you for all of your videos that you kindly make and release on here for all of us viewers. Every single one of your videos is packed with useful and helpful information.
I had a 10 npd malignant egg donor.. and 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2... no healthy people around for miles.. and then I chose good friends ❤.
My mom is a 8 - 10. I always thought her as similar to a psychopath. She scared the 💩💩out of me. My dad and ex-husband were probably a 4 - 7. They were better than my mom but my dad went to jail one night for attacking me and using his fire investigator badge to pretend he was a cop when the neighbors came outside to stop him from attacking me. And my ex-husband would tell me on multiple occasions I "need to feel the pain of being punched" and I "need to do the world a favor and eat a bullet".
I feel sorry for you. I can barely deal with my narcissistic wife of 10 years… I caught her having an affair last month, we are divorcing. I used to love her despite everything. But her cheating opened my eyes. I only care about my daughter now.
@@pierrerahal5397 I appreciate that, thank you. It's been a difficult life, but it's gotten a lot better since I changed my name, phone number, email, and moved out-of-state. I hope life goes better for you too. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. It's incredible how medical diseases are so closely related to long-term stress and abuse.
Soooo appreciate this episode addressing and improving on the continuum framework to explain the many different facets of the way each narcissist's behavior may show up. Same foundations but different manifestations according to their personalities, temperaments and focus. It is so much information for people to take in. But so necessary to understand this is not a cookie cutter or two dimensional presentation, let alone risk. Thanks!
This was an eye-opener... but then I felt like what about when you have 8-10 Narc. parents and you at best think they're 'just chaotic looneys' (which they certainly aren't)... you ignore subtle hints from relatives as well... and it takes 36 years of your life to 'get it' finally. As a relatively intelligent person, one feels sooooo stupid that it's beyond description.
I survived a 10 and a 7. Both of my parents. They divorced and tried to keep me as an emotional supply but I refused. Cut them off at different points of my life but it's weird. After all the kids they had grew up and were able to make their own decisions it's like they were grasping at straws more aggressively. They cared so much about what others thought of them especially now as grandparents. Either way they both self imploded and then sealed their victim/martyr complex by ending themselves. It's strange, no human can damage my spirit to that extent, especially after surviving them. I survived hell.
I had a level 10 mother and a level 10 sister, fiends and exes were less level. But it was severe with what I grew up. You learned me all about it, and listening to you for 8 years.
As it’s important for me to know what I’m dealing with and where My insecureness comes from. I thank you with all my hart for your info and the great book you wrote. You’re my hero ❤
Currently married to the APPROX 6-7 range, 23.5 yrs (14.5 yrs married; 24yrs “together “ in Aug)!!! Separated & headed to divorce finally !!! I have been experiencing C-PTSD for decades !!!
Almost forgot to mention my mom May fall under BPD ! Ssssooooo :-)
Staying put with any level narcissist, or whatever other label you want to put as place. Intensity, multiplies, and compound overtime. With heavy interest rates. Like a loan shark.
Being in a relationship with a difficult person, it’s important that you seek therapy and psychiatric care if necessary.
Just because you’re in a relationship that sucks does not mean that you could also be a narcissist. I know why I have tendencies towards narcissism.
1-3s can be fun to socialize with for shopping, concerts, etc. They dont want to hurt people, at least. 8-10s seem more psychologically cruel. They want to keep you alive to toy with you as long as possible. But could be physically dangerous too!
Wow! This video is just what I needed. A friend challenged me when I said he was a narcissist. “Has he been professionally diagnosed?” That is confidential info but he had monthly appointments for well over a decade. One thing he said sounded like ‘professional speak’ and led me to all the narcissism videos. The shoe fits! I think he is about a 6 or 7, no fists just words.
They do cause extreme pain and ptsd or worse. Run don’t walk away from them and when you see a channel like this, accept but don’t ruminate. ❤
This is so good! You’re always so good at what you do and giving wisdom and knowledge!
Thank you Dr. Ramani. The Narcissist rating Scale is SO DAMN Useful! Thank YOU.
Just what I needed to hear, I've also used the term "with the volume turned down" when describing the narcissistic person I had an intimate relationship with, who was well liked, by friends, and colleagues, but behaved very differently in an intimate relationship. Moderate or low level vulnerable narcissist can still show paranoia at the end of a relationship, even if you ended it and they're in a new relationship and particularly if you call them out on their behaviour. They will start to discredit you and accuse you of being capable of doing all sorts of things, that you were and are never capable of doing. And I have no doubt she discredited me to her friends, family and new partner, because that's exactly what she did with her ex partner who she used, and discarded who got angry with her and challenged her.
The most difficult thing to accept is that at any level, people are unlikely to change. Because of an abusive childhood, I had no mechanism for recognizing and assessing lower levels of narcissistic abuse. Waves of grief momentarily knock me off balance as I accept what I see. But, there are also moments of clarity and stability that I hope I can string together long enough to pull away from the edge of the ocean of sorrow. Dr. R, thank you for fleshing out what felt like ghosts. I see better than I did before and I’m sure that’s the only way to heal. It’s not comfortable, but it is important.
For all those out there who have, do, or will always have ‘a narc’ in their life my heart ♥️ and support is here for you. However, ALL NARCS ARE NOT EQUAL. This doesn’t invalidate or undermine your negative experience, indeed on some level I feel grateful that those of you out there haven’t experienced (especially as a child) NARC VOLUME 11 …from both “caregivers” - these people have no bounds on the soul rape, and consumption of their scapegoat (in particular) child’s life force. I’m glad you have never experienced this level of human debasement, but please, let me assure you it exists. They are all assholes, but assholes and grandiose loser narcs don’t come close to the pain and sadism you receive at level ten. Surviving thriving or just existing my heart ♥️ goes out to all of the community. We can do it! We will heal! 😙
When they mess with their kids, the worst of the worst.
Thank you … this is the clearest video and explanation I can give my children and my stepchildren. You are so right about the levels, not understanding each other, and I’ve seen my narcissist use that to his advantage.🥺💥
I'd still love that 800 pg book that includes the higher ratings of narcs. 😅
I think it is all about the frequency and severity of negative behaviors. Gaslighting, degradation , gossip about you, non-reciprocity, physical violence, etc.
My mom passed when I was 15 and my dad became much different after. It's like he became a selfish person overnight, where he was nurturing before. I had to put the pieces together afterwards. My mom was at least 4 or 5 on this scale, my dad a 2 or 3. My mom's two favorite quotes were "do as I say, not as I do", and "I'm right even when I'm wrong." It took me into my 30s to realized traits I thought were personality (introversion, hypersensitivity, people pleasing etc.), were by-products of being raised in this environment. I was using a customer service voice most of my life to take bass out of my voice to avoid standing out or appearing as a challenge. I'm happy there are resources like Doctor Ramani to clarify the confusion we have felt during these interactions.
Thank you. 1- 10... there is no comparison between them. They all are not good for any healthy relationship or state of healthy mental state. They all leave scars
My father was a "respected" town mayor, yet also issued a false alarm in an attempt to trigger the Family Court system to place his autistic grandson in completely unnecessary institutional care.
As usual a couple times through with the Doc helps tremendously. 💐
It's so confusing. Mine was abusive for at least 10+ years, but in the last 2 years, he has really gotten better. But I don't know if I'm just blinded by his kind words to me. He always says he is lucky to be with me, how beautiful I am, and stuff like that. But for that 10 years, before he had full on rage it scared everyone in the house. Every chair was broken, he would punch holes in the wall and sometimes near our face, say hurtful things to the kids. Once he even beat down the bedroom door because I questioned him coming home at 2:00am from the bar. I'm not saying I was right, but definitely not to the point of breaking the while door down.
Now he is nice to the kids that are now adults when he use to be horrible to the oldest. The only one he still says things I consider horrible to is our daughter. But he sees it as discipline.
I still want out, but I feel bad since there has been so much change, but I can say I am also not happy.
Thank you so much for your Great gift ❤
🤔.. well, I thought I survived from my toxic relationship, of 8 plus years, fairly well considering what it was... For a while I imagined all people that found themselves in a relationship with a narcissist had likely experienced all the lows I had hit.. but this video explains things a bit better and I am relieved that not everyone had to know what some had to endure, a TEN plus on the scale, I thought, having learned soo much from this YT channel, that I wouldn't need to go through a lot when I began to see a therapist for my first time ever, having closed our therapy sessions a bit sooner than the therapists had even expected, I know now I was actually not out of the woods yet, I'm recognizing that I must be dealing with a harsh bout of a form of PTSD still... I can't seem to get back to being anything close to living life at all close to anything slightly resembling the kind of life I once knew, not with my employment, not with my friends or family, it's going on several years since leaving my former relationship, I'm not even able to get back into my art life, which was a very big part of who i was.. i lived off my art life for well over a decade.. everything is just so far to return to and so many things are impossible to accomplish it seems like ... If not for my family's help, I would likely be homeless and starving. I honestly don't know how to undo the damage.. I am greatful to have learned so much about what I had gone through considering... Understanding what it all actually was doesn't change the fact that i experienced 8 long years of feeling like I was crazy.. 😢
The person I'm dealing with wobbles between 6 and 10 depending on who's watching. I wonder if they EVER have an authentic moment. They write all kinds of fantasy and delusion in their diary -- I wonder if, rather than keeping a diary for themselves, if it's just another way to manipulate whoever reads it -- and they INTEND for someone else to read it. Is that a thing? Or am I being too suspicious?
Never wrong to be too suspicious with these “things”
Never wrong to be too suspicious with these “things” 💪🏽
Everything they do is about how they want to be perceived. You are not suspicious. You are realistic.
This helped me truly identify my narcissist 1-3 friend being divorced.
Low empathy? NO empathy! Narcissists don’t care if the important people in their lives DIE. The thing they worry about is you won’t be providing for them anymore.
Sad truth!
I've heard of the term cognitive empathy and I think that fits. they seem to have a notion of it, and can mirror empathy. but in the end their capacity to actually feel empathy for others is very limited, and nearly non-existent when their own ego-driven desires - dominance, superiority, etc - are ruling the show, aka most of the time. I do think that this is an important distinction because many narcissists I've had to deal with (exes, family, etc) do show some empathy in certain circumstances, and in trying to assess whether they were a someone unhealthy for me to be around I would count their signs of empathy, which made it very confusing. I wish this point was discussed more (@doctorramani please!)
I’d love a video on how the narcissist reacts to secondary fuel sources getting pregnant/having a baby and the fuel source not being as available or having to suddenly say “no” to the narcissist. There’s lots of pieces out there on having a baby *with* a narcissist, there’s lots of pieces out there on narcissists as parents, but hardly anything out there on being a close friend or family to member to a narcissist and how they react when you suddenly have a very clear priority that comes before all else, even them. I’d also love to see the difference between someone with NPD and BPD (all 4 types) in regards to this topic.
Thank you so much for considering (or at least reading this)
My stepmother 🤔 is a 6 or 7 grandiose narcissist. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, social anxiety and chronic depression.
Thank you for you videos. You are helping me make sense of myself. 🥹
I’m sorry, hope you can get the right help
@@ginniepaardenkooper5216
Thank you. The thing that is helping me the most has been distancing myself from her. Letting go of that “obligation” to respond or react to her ways. Declining invitations to family events. It is a daily decision that can be lonely and fraught with self doubt. Of course she turns it in to a “victim’s rights” campaign to the rest of my family. Which adds an entirely different dynamic to the equation. A mess, quite simply.
Thank you for your regards. ✨
@@Jason-xb3jh That sounds like the right decision but can’t imagine how hard that must be too. I hope that outside of your family you have nice friends and collegues that are the right company to keep and can help to heal 🫶🏼. I have ptsd, dissociation/deppresive episodes and other disorders too
THERE IS A SCALE?????? IM SHOOKETH TO THE CORETH!😂
But not REALLY THOUGH!! 😅
Thank you for the work that you do. 🙂
What if your 1- to 3-level friend gets annoyed when you bring up that your kidneys are failing? I disowned her as soon as that went down, but I would have thought she was a level 10.
Thank you again
That's a really helpful way of addressing things.
i have cptsd and can't find any help due to misunderstanding or finance. i saw a psychologist and she said "its my grandkids karma", could not understand why i was in a state of terror and walking on eggshells and my son was there in the family home because he's dependent on her!!! I was stunned as this a family psych, my first foray into seeking help, and made me feel small and stupid. i am dealing with 7-10 for sure going on 5 years now and it doesnt stop. I'm grateful for these videos so much but i still ruminate 24/7 and can't resolve anything
I am not looking for any pity. However, is it possible to run through the entire spectrum with a narcissist (mine 1-10 depending who I was with)? My family system was extremely sadistic, immature, selfish, and snobbish-you name it. I always thought to myself that I must have been a mistake (when it came to me being born) because they only cared about themselves and never gave me the time of day. I am the only person in the family with a neurodivergent issue, which didn't help matters. Yet the people who raised me would call me their 'miracle baby.' "Well, if I was your "miracle baby", Then, Why did you treat me like crap?" I needed their help with the neurodivergent aspects, and they could not be bothered. However, now I'm taking care of myself. I know it's not my fault, but it's still really annoying to think about the toxic system I grew up in.
Most of mine: 3, 7, 8-9 ..... Worked with women snd children who experienced 100.... Just the most horrendous stuff anyoywas into. Horrific beyond belief, or beyond disbelief.
Just caught you on Do The Work podcast, definitely a subscriber now!
Your insight is so enlightening and I feel so seen after struggling in silence with a narcissistic father for so long
Coercive control always starts at level 10 - but it’s expediency and utility are only fully realised with slow 🔥 burn- so it always starts or appears level 1 but FACTS : coercive control and ones desire or willingness to abuse it - is like power - the only pursuit is more and consolidation of that abuse / power.
8-10 my kids dad. 7 years of manipulation and lies dodging drug tests accusing. On and on. He can dodge back into 5-7 and put on the good guy act.
Ask me if i have a few screws that are lose now i will humbly tell you. Well yes.
I was babying our 8m old by doing a night routine. -his excuse for holding him forcefully down until he passed out. When i was then "undermining his authority" shoulder decked into a wall as i was like enough coming back into the room. This man is and was scary.
And at around 10 to 12 months did this behaviour^
That's child abuse. Kid will suffer insomnia from it.
@@madge2114 never requested his help again with bed time. left end of 2017. thank you for replying it is abuse. i told him that. suggested counseling for a last time and he broke the front door and pane of glass and punched a hole in the wall. there was never talking to him about what healthy attachment was. or his behaviours. he is right you are wrong. and question him and rage.
still goes on, he is right you are wrong. middle ground means his way. and only his way. doesn't get his way he then doubles down on his narrative.
My father was def an 8-10 on this scale. 1-3 and 4-7 are also characteristics he shows. I would describe good days as when he was somewhere on the 1-3 end of the scale. When Ramani mentioned the multiple layers of lies, coercive control and a real inability to care - those all struck a major chords. He will put me down 3 different ways in a single sentence and make it look normal enough that an outside observer wouldn't notice an issue - he did just this during a speech at my wedding (that he had my cousin read), he didn't attend because he faked the urgency of a heart issue and went to the hospital instead. He told his entire side of the family that I was an alcoholic after going to him in confidence and at another point decided to get re-married on my birthday after finalizing the divorce papers on my sisters birthday. I'm obviously in therapy 🤪
I think my Mother is an 11-13. Brutal. Thank you for your work helping me understand it. It's changed my life for the positive..
Mine was a 10, all the way!! Destroyed my life!!
Thank you 🙏 xx
What level on this scale is your narcissist if your narcissist hits you for any reason or even no reason at all?
Thank you Dr Ramini.
Very helpful information!
My ex is definitely in the higher range bracket. I felt on edge for much of the 'relationship' never knowing when his rage fits would appear..especially when I tried to disagree with him.
But the trauma bond has been really difficult to break which I find very confusing as I think about what I actually 'got' from being with him........anxious, silenced, belittled etc...but obviously the love bombing and breadcrumbing worked its magic on the rare times they happened.
The word narcissist is banded about so much these days that I see many people don't realise how dangerous it really can be , to be seduced by them.
Thank you for that. Appreciate you🎉🎉❤❤❤
Thanks for this really useful video Dr Ramani. It's interesting to hear that individuals in the 'malignant narcissist' category could be in the mid section of the scale you describe (I think you said they are likely to be in the 6-10 range). I'd be interested to hear more about what a 6-7 range malignant narcissist presentation would like (particularly in a family system). I think many people would assume that the term malignant signifies that they are at the more extreme end (i.e. 8 and upwards), so it would be good to find out how to identify a more mid-level malignant narcissist.
Thank you for this video!
Amazing! The first time I watched a few min, and had to take a call but heard the video in the back ground. I thought you were talking about LA! Always great
Loved this vid. Thank you!
Wow, I really hit the mega ball jackpot, surrounded by 8 to 10's from day 1 of my life.
But, when things occasionally back down from a 10 level of insanity to say a 7 or an 8 level of insanity, I do find (crazy) thoughts creeping in about 'well this isn't as bad as that, so maybe I'm somehow just taking it all too hard', or things along those lines. So thank you Dr. Ramani, for validating that _it's ALL bad_.
8:43 - Fact, doc. Being a malignant narcissist, I want to know more about this specific part. It's important for me to understand these behaviors better.
My step daughter is a level 1 or 2 narcissist in a relationship with a level 3 narcissist. She is a selfish individual who sometimes had borderline empathy for her mum who was a single parent for years.
She’s now severed the relationship with her mum, blaming her mum for almost everything. Her mum is the most empathetic person I’ve ever known. Her daughter has had health issues with migraines since she was 18. We put her behavior down to her migraines for a long time. But when her boyfriend came along, inherited his friends, then her migraines improved, her behavior got worse. My wife is incredibly sad at losing her daughter in this way but she doesn’t miss who she has become with her boyfriend, who in my opinion is even worse. They are both immature and selfish, not caring what they do, even if it hurts others. They just come across as 2 immature selfish jerks.
Not Dr Ramani saying "and designer nonsense" 😂😂😂
9:01 wow, i would never look at someone in a lower # and discard their worry or hurt; Pain is Pain, and Preventive care keeps a 1 from getting to 2. TRUST ME when i say that a 10 gets 1 thru 9, too -- it's cumulative. 😐
I just got your book yesterday, and it's so helpful! I'm ready to start on my path to radical acceptance! ❤
Good morning Sunshine. Thanks
This was incredibly helpful thank you so much. I know I shouldn't compare but it's so hard not to...