I think the "cool girl" was born by narcissistic men critizicing women for wanting respect and love. Because I remember being called neurotic, needy, crazy etc. Just for wanting respect and love. 😢
@@ethelsmith9626 I must respond. Please don’t take it as a gut punch. I’m actually extending a helping hand. The “cool girl” gets tricked into letting go of her truly cool self out of fear of being labeled a “Daria” or a “weird girl”. Let go of that fear. I suspect that the real you is pretty damn cool, and there are plenty of people who will confirm that if you let them. It takes energy to meet new people, but it also takes energy to constantly suppress the real you. If you’re going to burn calories either way, burn them running to the next chapter instead of treading water in a bad pool. Sending you love and strength.
I used to try to do this when I was around my mom. I could brush off anything no matter how rude it was, laugh at any mistreatment enacted very tomboyish to feel tough and untouchable.I remember feeling see down like something was wrong while I tried to brush off a lot of things under the rug. I pushed those uncomfortable feelings aside even more by boxing and running and more cool girl behavior. I was very mistrustful and reserved around other people. It wasn't until I moved out and had roommates that I began to find peace in not having to put up that kind of facade. When I came home to visit and wasn't the cool girl, I noticed I felt unaccepted and judged by my mom's silent treatment and critical comments about opinions or other topics that she did not agree with. I became more and more uncomfortable in her presence and it only got worse the more independent I became.
I'd be willing to bet that behind a good many "cool girls" is a narcissistic parent who taught them early that having healthy expectations of others' behavior and consideration for them was selfish.
You lost your voice long before entering an intimate relationship and never learned how to advocate for yourself. Doing so meant you were disrespectful and ungrateful.
Yep, and my mother is still this way. Yes, she taught me a lot of bad about relationships and I'm glad I've learned boundaries and speaking up because she really taught me not to in fear of losing love or access to things she was supposed to do for me as a parent who "loved" me, anyway. You can just imagine how that showed up in relationships with other people.
also do not hate on the cool girl, gently guide her (as friends, closed ones). she often needs reassurance and to understand boundaries and ppl pleasing is not healthy
I used to be a cool girl. Now I’m a difficult woman. And I’m so much happier! My relationships with men are very much on my and our terms now. Not theirs.
Low maintenance, setting the bar low, chill, cool girl. Abusive men look for pre-abused women without a strong sense of self defense and without a healthy, protective family or friend group. Then they isolate her.
OMG! I was the cool wife for 20 years. Sometimes I still am. The worst way to be. I'm now working to get ridd of this behaviour and not be the cool girl any more.
They and employers prey on single women with no friends, family or good financial support. You can have good boundaries but it doesn’t matter- it all comes down to sociopaths- economic status.
It's exhausting trying to be cool with a Narcissist. The body starts to rebel with rashes, weight loss, sudden attacks of nausea, anxiety, insomnia.... Until you learn this is toxic .
THIS! people tell you to just unbothered. But, that actually becomes exhausting. It's amazing how mentally stunted people are about these things. Right, you start acting robotic. Or, you have to start acting manic and fake happiness. All of this taxing on you mentally. And for some physically.
"In a healthy relationship, each partner is a custodian of the vulnerabilities of the other person." So beautiful.... but narcissists do not show their vulnerabilities to anyone, and they weaponize those of their partners.
They don’t show their vulnerabilities, but their vulnerabilities absolutely are visible to anyone paying attention. They’ll deny it but it can still be seen.
He LITERALLY said he valued me because “you don’t hold long-term grudges, only short-term ones” and “even when I disappear, you have me back”. The SECOND I cut the cool girl act and asked for clarification about the relationship, he was out of there.
That is the very reason we all need to be straight forward with what we want, or like you did, ask them to clarify their intentions. If we do that right up front, we save time if they are not the one.
I believe the cool girl grew up in chaos & she just wants to keep the peace. She's not good at confronting ppl about their behavior. It even takes her a while to realize she's being disrespected. She just thinks that some ppl just don't know any better. She's angry inside & eventually she blows up & everyone looks surprised. They thought she was so nice, until she loses it. We all get tired of their detestable behaviors!!!
@@thelashayway8250 Yes me too. And didn't Bridgette express it in words perfectly. It really helped me as she found words I have struggled to process and express. Comforting that we aren't alone isn't it..🌹
That may be for some cases, but also if someone is done over-demanding, loud, abusive, pushy people that hide behind the 'circus'. Some people like quiet reasonable people. This seems reductionist
@@specialflower1160these kinds of statements in dating profiles are yellow flags because it’s an obvious statement, no one healthy likes drama so why do you need to say it in your profile? What makes that statement so important for you to say? Because your relationships have had a lot of “drama”? When we point a finger at others, all of our other fingers at ourselves, it’s also called projecting. Another way to take this comment, if he says all his ex’s are crazy he’s dodging his own responsibility and may have caused much of the problems.
@@specialflower1160no. No one sane and healthy wants “drama”. Anyone who feels the need to say that, IS the problem, because they’re saying it due to their experience with “drama” where THEY are the common denominator. Healthy people who aren’t the problem in relationships don’t feel the need to specify that they don’t want drama.
@@LinnLinnok-fe5tqso true. What they’re actually saying is: I don’t want to take any responsibility for you feeling bad, even when I know really well I was the one who caused it. They are actually already gaslighting you before even have met you
Society conditions women to be "cool" and "low maintenance". Any needs we have or if we use our choice then we're "controlling" or "high maintenance" or neurotic/sensitive/hormonal etc. And yes, that's the plan. They want men to sign up to the servitude
The thing I find fascinating about this is how sexually motivated narcissism can be. If a woman turns down sexual relations, she's a 'prude' or a 'cold fish'. But if she agrees, she is 'slutty' or 'easy'. These predatory terms are so sick.
@@louiselincoln that's a real paradox for sure, but not always a narcissistic trait. Women can say those things about other women too, because it's what we see on TV etc. Most things are like that for women, bottle vs breast either way mums get critism, etc.
Narcissists SHOP for their victims. They align themselves to their victims. They watch and ask questions, then appear to have the same things in common. It is very important to not listen but OBSERVE the shark before you are consumed.
Pretending to have the same things in common, yes! That's a huge red flag for me now! The last guy I dated "appeared" to have so much in common with me, seemed to like/dislike the same things, seemed to have the same viewpoints. The key word is "seemed". It was all an act, which I found out slowly over months. Fortunately, it only took me 9 months to figure out who and what he was, instead of years and years. They can only keep the mask on for so long, before it begins to slip, and their true self emerges. Beware that person who seems to be a "soulmate", and has everything in common with you. They're just playing a role, it's all an act! They do indeed SHOP for their victims. For myself, I have to be very careful about sharing too much of myself early in a relationship. Narcs look for vulnerabilities, and they will use it against you later on. It is best to wait to share sensitive things with anyone, until you know them very well. Until they have proven they are NOT a narc, and it is safe to let your guard down!
Huge Truth Here! This! Narcs peruse our social media accounts that might only amount to archives of pictures that the person can't keep hard copies of. Try to archive or private pictures. Narcs will monopolize upon and manipulate about content from the pictures to make you think it's chemistry when it's only familiarity. Dr Ramani was so good to say chemistry is familiarity. She demystified narcissists. I can't wait to buy her new book.
Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you-to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.
Same. I am so sorry to hear it. People keep saying there is a psychological/neurological/immunological link, and there probably is, like stress primes the body wrong and then a pathogen is the trigger. I hope you can recover or stabilize.
Oh hello, hi, it's me. Yep. Interestingly, the narc that raised me is so obsessed with the Cool Girl she also tries to be one at all costs. Also chronically ill. And yet. 😬
I was a cool girl and was raised by a narcissist mom who molded me into someone who will excuse everything she did and not raising my voice and calling her out. When I learned in therapy that my mom's a narcissist and I was allowed to have needs, my self centered then boyfriend was freaking out because I was suddenly "uncomfortable and mean and selfish and yelling and a psychopathic maniac", judging by his reality, while my therapist was laid back and proud of me to finally get angry and confronted both with their bullying and gaining my voice back. Boy, both hated it and I was sued by mom and I had to pay her lawyers fee after she died,.. If you regain your voice, be prepared for starting a war!!
I went through something very very similar and you’re right. They get aggressive and angry for us expressing our needs because we’re not supposed to have any.
I’m noticing a pattern of narcs and those trained by narcs to still be flying monkeys and etc, that the _moment_ you find your voice, suddenly _you’re_ the psychopathic one. Actively, and _explicitly_ worded as being psychopathic and potentially unsafe around other people (as a way to guilt and shame you into returning to either Cool Girl or their particular brand of Manic Pixie Dream Girl). It was a _complete_ death-knell for the remainder of the narcissists in my life (I’m very lucky to have an SO who is not and neither is his immediate family of origin), when a piece of media I already adore handed me the phrase “Manic Pixie Dream Assassin.” (The joke being that the unfeeling psycho who clearly fell in love with the unmotivated female to motivate her to go out and live for herself, was not an unfeeling monster as he thought he was, he just wasn’t _written_ to be anything more than _her_ manic pixie dream girl. Of course, it was fascinating to have the trope recognized under an entirely different set of gendered stereotypes.)
I started many wars in these few years with my ex and my narcissistic family members😂😂 gosh the rewards are lucrative. They get their bad karmas and you get to witness all of them, happen one by one hahahahaaha. I just wanted to remind you that if we truly are a pure loving innocent soul, we'll be protected by our spirits and that those who hurt us will get their bad karmas in return. Because we reap what we sow.
@@namoamitofo48ॐ777omg hell yeah I’ve been going through that 😂😂😂 it’s funny to watch because I’m like that’s what y’all get for trying to fuck with me! Our spirits will take care of it all
I think many of us have gone through the 'cool girl' phase, thinking it would keep the man, but then realised it never got us anywhere. I shudder at the things I previously tolerated all because I didn't want to make a fuss.
When Narcissistic men say they want a woman to "be my peace" he is basically saying he wants the "cool girl"... wish I had not fallen for that so many times
He wants someone who isn't human, he can't handle an actual flesh and blood human being, he wants a Heavenly Angel benignly looking down upon him like the Fairy Godmother in The Wizard of Oz. He hasn't got his own peace! He wants a perfect mommy woman to be everything to him and for him, with him and around him at all times. To be what he doesn't have on the inside which is his job to procure for himself! I don't date anymore I'm getting old, but if I did I would say to a man you better bring your inner peace to the relationship! I'm a Christian and I have a big saying that I use all the time, I say I'm not anybody's 'Personal Jesus'!!
I've seen this phrase used so many times in Manosphere communities. "She should be your peace, not your challenge.". I understand this if "challenge" is being used like a quest in a game, or a person who is difficult to get along with, but real people who are equals will both constantly challenge each other because they're actual HUMANS. I've also seen men say that the woman exists to give him peace by not disrespecting him. Ask them what "disrespect" means and many confuse "obedience and submission" with "respect.". It creeps me out.
The narcissist at work tells me "I hope you find your peace" now I get what he means. Everytime we cross paths I am a bitch towards him, guess I am not a cool person 😅
I find that “cool girl” is a more complimentary term for “doormat”. This was the dynamic my parents had. Everyone absolutely loved my mother. She was bubbly, sweet, and fun. And dare I say, probably “cool” to a lot of people. Behind the scenes, she walked on egg shells around my verbally abusive and sadistically cruel father. I’m so glad I found this channel and finally understand the dynamic.
This is exactly how I was my whole life. Bubbly and fun. Easy going. Put up with everything. I’m 35 years old now and I feel like I’m finally learning to stop being the “cool girl”. Because all it has done is make me a target.
Most of the time when guys say they want a "chill" gf, they really just mean he wants her to just be a female simp. She lets him just do anything, she lets him just treat her any type of way and she doesn't check him for his bullshit.
As someone who is in an age-gap relationship as an adult, it really depends on the man you're seeing. The first red-flag is when he haven't been married or has any children. That proves that no woman in his own age wants him (or for whatever reason). The second one is that he belittles you (they don't see you at their level). The third one is you see a pattern of him always seeing and dating younger women in the past. In my case, my boyfriend doesn’t have any of these red flags. I'm a stepmother. His ex is in his age, and so on.
I read a post on reddit that's like, women their age wouldn't accept their bs (Like not paying bills or lying, no actual future life commitments just "seeing how things go" while u think you're on the road to marriage but they just have a hot 20 somethings roommate that cheapens their rent bill)
No. I'm past 30. I wouldn't be looking for a younger woman to abuse. I would never spit at a woman my own age, I didn't waste my younger years fucking around, even when I could. Hypocrites.
My ex had the nerve to say, " He loved the attention we got while out in public".... Narcs wanna be with anyone that'll get them the attention they would never receive by themselves...it's all about image
In my opinion narcissists target Sweet Innocent Girls who they can target and easily manipulate for supply supply supply. I can’t even tell you how many times my ex boyfriend(in my opinion is a narcissist) called me super super super sweet and used me soooooo much for almost a year and then I got the discard from him. They are MASTER MANIPULATORS. They go for Sweet Girls they target them.
Agreed and YOUNG girls who want so called HIGH VALUE MEN! 🤦♀️😂. HIGH VALUE EQUATES WITH MEN THAT HABE MONEY AND THOSE ARE MORE LIKELY TO CHEAT AND HARM YOU!!! I STUdy THESE MEN!
The “cool girl” culture pisses me off!!! Because I was raised like that, thinking that we women have to be “strong” and don’t care about feelings and being “open” and don’t “make a fuss” and I fell SO many times with jerks but in the culture we live in that’s what “makes you attractive”.
@@ashleywalker1411there’s no such thing as an alpha female. Don’t believe me? Talk to a “cool girl” that’s in her 60’s, 70’s, or 80’s. Can’t find none you say??? Because they’re DEAD because their organs failed due to alcohol abuse, or AIDS. They’re sitting in a home ALONE and MISERABLE because their kids HATE THEM. They’re living with some old ass pervert who’s cheating on them with prostitutes or somebody’s 15 year old that they’re grooming…maybe even that “cool girls” daughter OR SON and they’re still tryna be “cool” so they play it off like nothings happening. They’re hanging with women half their age tryna hold on to their youth. But you know…they’re alpha 🤷🏽♀️
@@ashleywalker1411not necessarily, they can be aware and play it or they can be conditioned to self abandon their boundaries - no boundaries at all, ppl pleasing…
I love the ‘it’s not about being cool but being real’. If I feel it’s hard to ‘be real’ around someone, and/or healthy, then I take a step back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
In my relationship with narcissist I got sick - physically I was tired all the time, no matter how long I slept My head hurts I even got allergic reactions and random rashes on my skin No doctor knew what was happenning, nobody could help me guess what halped - break up. I am never again going to let someone disturb my peace of body and mind so badly.
My doctors were aware and told me if I didn’t leave him My body would rebel and it did I finally left but my body is still not healed but I am getting better
Oh I'm sorry you had to go through this. I don't want to blame my relationship with a narcissist for getting physically sick too but doctors couldn't explain why and how I got optic neuritis. I got swolllen optic nerves from too much crying and stress plus sleeping late because of my ex. What healed me is breaking up with him too. I hope we learn to protect ourselves. Get well soon!
I was never cool with sharing. We were 15. He was a party boy and I was cool with that. We had a lot of fun when we were young. I grew up and he grew down over the next 35 years. He told me I wasn't cool anymore. I said, well I'm not in the 8th grade and I don't care about cool. He actually calls himself cool. It's like wisdom. I wise man doesn't have to tell others that he is wise.
I was with a 57 y.o. man a few years ago who kept saying everything was cool, or used the 😎 emoji. Problem was, he was the most evil bastard I've ever met.
What do you do when your mother is the narcissistic person and you are the cool daughter...and waste your life trying to figure out how to be loved by your mom. I feel exhausted, betrayed, abused and sick and beyond tired
You have to realise that she can't love you the way you want. It's not possible for her. You have to redefine your expectations for the relationship, for your own sake. I recommend the book, Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
I think narcs are weak no matter how cool they pretend to be. If they'll get a cool girl it strenghten narcs' personality and outlook. Unfortunatelly this cool girl will have to be the real man in the relationship: braver, stronger, provider etc as this weak man is not able/willing to be like that. Trust me: been there, done that.
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
I could actually feel your pain Dr. Ramani. Thank you for sharing your own vulnerabilities along with your vast knowledge with us. I wish there was a way to erase the memories of what I "agreed to" while married to a covert Narcissist. I thought being cool would keep him happy and faithful to me. 😅 Life is better now that I'm rarely cool! 😂❤❤❤
as a former cool girl, i never really voiced out the hurt I felt when the almost about to happen relationship would turn cold and distant just because i had voiced out my concerns against their BS . They would go out and about with god knows who with no replies to my text and then suddenly when I mirrored the sentiment. The love bombing would start again and i would believe their lies of all the other girls being too needy and typical for their taste. It took so many of my precious life years to understand they are never going to change.
I think sometimes it's not about being "cool", but about of the fear of rejection. When you learned at home that your needs are not important and you should not be a burden by asking for something that would make you feel good, you learn to keep everything for yourself and do everything by yourself. So maybe from the outside it looks like you are "cool", but in reality you are afraid of rejection and disappointment and you become a control freak when it comes to your own things.
Ex "Cool girl" here", I just ended up being tossed aside and gaslighted and hating myself for it at the end. The root of it was I saw the best of his efforts, believing and expecting that a guy would want to prove himself to me if we got serious, so why shouldn't I? All it did was push me to my limit of actually destroying my health. This is no joke. The root of it was, I have severe anxiety, self-doubt and insecurity issues, I'm recovering from MTD and depression right now due to severe childhood trauma and experiences in my life I'm better off forgetting, but the feeling from those still is there. I approach conversations with a more heartfelt, sort of empathetic approach. Always thinking from the other person's view. These guys like girls with "daddy issues", insecurity issues for that reason that these issues make us low enough and they don't see and respect that you're trying to recover, they lure you in with words and fake hope, but they have another motive in mind. They want to let out their worst on you and feed this sick sort of ego in them, they will have absolutely no shame about it. It's sick, because your struggles just encourages them to channel their worst on you, and this toxic cycle doesn't stop. It's shameful, terrible and plain disgusting. They get a boost out of the fear and control they can instill into you. Lesson to anyone out there: SET. YOUR. BOUNDARIES. If they're not a "cool girl/guy", why should you be for them? Let's get over the stereotypes that men are simple, women are complicated. We can find a lot of statistics that show that this is absolutely not true, and that we're all human at the end of the day who should be able to be aware of whats good and what's not. And i'm only saying men because it's my experiences as a straight woman, but obviously this applies to anyone. I always go back to the movie Joker now, because somewhere I completely get where he's coming from. When you're a kind, generous person always trying to balance things out in life never speaking from your perspective, and quiet in adjusting to situations every single time, people are so unforgiving and so inconsiderate that they'll just see you as something to laugh at and stomp on you for an ego kick. Very few people acknowledge. "It's enough to make anyone crazy".
I'm cool with being single and being difficult with the wrong people for me. You earn time spend with me by adding value to what I already have. No time for anything else. I love my own company and can self-soothe and entertain. Narcissistic types give me a wide berth.
So true. Pathetically, I tried this, a long with lots of other girls like me, years ago and attracted a well known narcissist who was so abusive- we weren't even dating. He always said he loved how "cool" I was- that was in the honeymoon phase. Before he disgarded me for another cooler girl, I just went along with all his controlling ideas, bleached and wore my hair the way he wanted, dressed in what he wanted, and I wasnt ever granted a relationship. But he wanted all the perks with the ability to tell me what to do and if I disobeyed or got out of line I would be punished severely with stonewalling, screaming rages, or worse, smear campaigns. I also was made to have sex only on his terms and he was terrible in bed. It was crazy. Cool girls are glorified doormats. Be assertive and be yourself unapologetically. Don't sacrifice your integrity to please others. AND STAY AWAY FROM THESE CRAZY PREDATORS.
Wow. I am so sorry you experienced that. Went through the same thing you've described some 2 years ago. No contact and self-healing have really helped.
@@paprika7930no contact thing is so tough now for me ..been into 6 months. Fortunately I met an angel friend whom I message whenever I feel need to contact him. She helps me calm down. But I know I have to heal myself. I'm just afraid he has my videos taken without consent
My natal chart says, "You're like a gift to everyone else but that doesn't work out so well for you." - I considered myself to be a cool girl. Well, there are lessons to learn here. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Namaste. 🙏
I used to always be the ‘cool girl’ and it brought me heartbreak and trauma. It’s hard for me to not be overly independent because I had to be to survive. Learning to healthily express myself. If someone doesn’t respect my boundaries and needs then I now know they aren’t good for me. I’d rather be healthy than ‘cool’. Or perhaps the ‘new cool’ can be ‘healthily expressing our own wants needs feelings boundaries and value’. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I played the “cool girl “ for a while during what I now know was a narcissistic relationship. I think I did this to try and make him think he didn’t hurt me as much as he thought he did. I now know that he quickly used this to his advantage. I had never experienced any type of relationship like that and was quite naive. I learned the hard way how there are truly awful people out there that don’t care about my feelings. Being single and lonely can really set you up for settling for less. I learned the hard way that it just wasn’t worth it. I value myself more than I need to be with someone.
My biggest fear in relationships was being ‘needy’, so was too cool for sure. Not sure why, guess cause my needs were shamed and ignored growing up a lot. Learning to value and healthily express my needs and see who respects them. I’d rather cut my losses and be healthy and real. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Crazy thing about Cools Girls: they don’t want cool guys by their side. It is too much freedom. For friendship okay. But for intimate relationships, they get lost around cool guys. It’s like the narc works as the perfect compliment, because the first impression is that he gives you the sense of direction and safety, although all of this have a really high cost. You basically need to give up your identity to make it work.
I was discarded for the millionth time almost a week ago because I’m not the “cool girl” and that’s what he wants. He told me, the other girl (who he’s been denying btw) doesn’t act like that. He said I don’t act right and I don’t listen. They want the cool girls for a reason
The narcissist doesn't just text a word or two in the beginning. They send what you want and in detail and depth. Then they start changing it up, so it isn't as easy to learn... oh they aren't texting or communicating as well as you'd like... they almost communicate perfectly in the beginning. 😢
In the beginning, they listen to everything you want and say that's what they want too and you think you've met your soul mate but later it turns out that you were played
It took me 5 years to heal from the emotional abuse and gaslighting done by a past relationship with a narcissist… this guy was obsessed with being cool and wanted me to be “cooler” by dismissing my needs. He showed no empathy whatsoever… when I finally brought it up he gaslighted me making me believe I was needy and crazy and ultimately it was break up for I never knew exactly what reason… Once I finally got over it the only thing I am able to say is: I'm so happy this person is not in my life today. Finally, you eventually learn to not making the same mistakes again surrounding yourself with such people. It’s not about being “cool”, it’s about being real! 👏👏👏
Raised by a narcissistic father and a codependent mother with a golden child and a scapegoat older brother... There is no other way than being the "cool" girl to survive this madness. You are NEVER enough for them. That's why you should always be "cool" with everything. Even if your choices are confusing, divided and contradictory. It doesn't matter... It doesn't matter if you have boundaries, wants and needs.Because it doesn't matter who you are. All that matters is what serves them, in order for you to avoid abuse. You accept everything because you always walk on eggshells.
It almost sounds like a "cool girl" is almost the same as the push over. Or like I was the door mat. That was me. The push over. I took it and took it until I couldn't take it anymore. I finally learned to push back. The best part about it I tricked him into "dumping me" it was the only way to get him not to Guilt me into coming back it felt great to finally break free.
Same!! I told my therapist (who specializes in Cluster disorders) to be REALLY frank with me and tell me if she thought I had a disorder for purposely essentially breaking his veil of empathy for me and kinda “tricking” him to end the relationship. Because I had tried to leave multiple times and he held my cat hostage. So I never left. I know, funny but not funny. 4.5 years gone and I missed my chance to have a family. It was definitely the absolute most brutal discard and that part is hard to think about because I saw he was truly sociopathic as well as NPD. Anyway, my therapist said, “You did what you had to do to get out.”
@@kates4089 You got out, the first step is always the hardest. I find myself dwelling on the past events from time to time too. For me it's been ten years (almost 11 now). But thankfully I have a wickedly good therapist and a great support system. So keep up the good work. And maybe someday the dwelling will feel more like a reflection and less like a regret. Or better yet he will be but a mere speck in the part of your life that was your past.
@@kates4089I’m wanting to get a therapist to talk about my “situationship” that is supposedly a “relationship” doesn’t feel like it and it’s been 1 1/2 years. I know what to do but hate getting sucked back in. I Can be a bit Narcissistic myself and I hate it because then I’ll be like who did it this time?? It’s complicated though becquse our egos are so high that when we clash , our hearts break and we can see our inner child deeply hurt. It sucks becquse that’s what makes us stay. I am more healed now and more healed than him so I can see his struggles. He’s able to let his guard down and his walls break becquse I somehow am capable of breaking them down. It’s sad becquse I truly love and understand him. He self sabotages soo much, just like I used to do in the past. I hope he actually does try and heal. I do not know how to leave him or make him leave me because we both come back after time passes. Sucks.
14.15 to 15.20 I am crying, not just as a fellow sufferer but also for the advise 'get there quicker than 60'.. just shows despite all pain endured you are a true empath.. you are wonderful person Dr. Ramani who is a safe space to many. Never forget that.
Im sure the narcs loved the 60's and 70's hippy "cool girls" . I wish Id learned these lessons way back when too. Thanks Dr. Ramani for the great video and content.
i am a victim of this. i was constantly praised for “not giving him a headache” and “not being like other girls” until i lost my damn mind and never spoke to him again
I was laughing to myself because I never shut up. I said less when he was dying but still had to remind him not to say something he couldn't take back and leave me with yet another bad memory. One of his "friends" told me after he died that he respected me for not being a yes person. But I realized that although my voice was still strong that I had compromised myself far too much with him over the years in an effort to "get along". Then he died. The end. Recovery began and is ongoing. Guess I was never cool.
The whole Narcissist personality is designed to break boundaries. Someone told a story how the Nazi would bring a puppy to the new recruits let them bond, and then the soldiers would make them watch the dog's untimely death. At first the men would protest but eventually after several episodes of puppy bonding and then watching them killed, the men no longer protested or felt upset. This is not a great way to prepare your heart to meet your loving Heavenly Father. Guard your boundaries.
I also found that being “independent and confident” was one of the reasons he felt attracted in the first place and he even mentioned it but then complained about me not being jealous or not “caring enough” And I ended being so not confident and feeling so small when he left me without his lovebombing Stay safe 💖, if you are in your healing path, getting along with a narcissist can take a big part of that inner work down. But you have already started the glow up, and you can keep going. Trust yourself 🌻
Currently a month away from being separated from my situation for good, and this one right here really hit like the truth. Thank you for sharing cause I feel like I'm not alone in realizing this and having to build myself back up! In fact, I'm excited to leave and be myself again. Even if I'm afraid and challenged the confidence will come back I'm sure.
I got called the cool girl once by someone i wasn’t even dating! I built a reputation as a target and push over. Wish i had all this info in my 20s had to learn the hard way❤
*“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.” ―Edward Abbey*
Ed was very low key. He was looking for stories every time I was around him. He asked about what someone did. He'd sit down at a bar next ti you and the next thing you knew he was getting stories. He just told me he was a writer. I assumed he meant for magazines or advertising, LOL. This happened a few times. Later after I read the Monkey Wrench Gang, a friend said "you knew Ed". So and so is this character and this person is that character. Apparently he had a solution to writers block. He'd just walk over to the bar and find his stories. Rich life rich characters. Just find them.
I'm literally shocked. I wish content like this was available 15 years ago, so I didn't end up in an over decade long relationship that is what dr Ramani explains to the T. Thanks so much for this and your other content, the world need to know about this and we need to be educated and aware so there's less and less opprtunity for them to cause harm. My health and my mental health is so damaged that after years of the trauma being over, I'm still healing. At least I survived and I feel greatful for that period of my life to be over and the opportunity for a healthy life. Please keep up the amazing work!❤
I was brainwashed into "being cool" - it was my own wounded inner child who helped me see the light. For years and years I had been acting from that space, unaware. She was needing so much healing from sexual abuse to physical, emotional and psychological abuse. My psyche had been wired "wrong" and I had been inauthentic my whole life. My survival mechanism was "give them what they want" and to "smile and squash your own needs" because in being authentic all of a sudden you're boundaried up, you're not OK with crappy behavior, you're wanting and needing for the first time in your life, and you're told "I miss the old you"....Well she's gone! She was a doormat. She bulldozed herself. She gaslit herself. Authenticity is the solution, no matter how that makes you look to others. I learned this the hard way. It was devastating. I'm still finding my authentic self. It's so hard.
Wow! "Easy, breazy, ____-girl" was in all the fashion magazines, and the cool girl surfer/skateboard culture, mtv/mid-90's pop culture. Thanks for covering this!
So Brilliant. There are so many of these behavioral paradigms that have been designed by Narcissists to create the perfect Supply: inert objects with no needs or preferences. It's a paradigm of servitude. You are so Great at this, Dr. Ramani! Thank you.
“Human rights education is key 🗝️ to addressing the underlying causes of injustice around the world. The more people know about their rights, and the rights of others in society, the better equipped they are to protect them.” -Salil Shetty 🇮🇳 Former Secretary-General of Amnesty International
A flaming dumpster of nonsense. It takes money to stand up for your rights. Without it you have none. Something Martin Luther King came to realize right before he was murdered.
This video is a love letter to all those girl that one day we thought being "cool girls" are gonna getting us a cool partner. The healing process is hard but at the end the reward is infinite. I am crying tears rember when I was the "cool girl" but at the same time so gratefull to find this content.
I remember that in another channel the host had this same conversation about being “cool”. I commented that being cool was cemented in people-pleasing and low self-steem. And I clearly can attest because I was “cool” with a whole lot of things even if I was resentful or bitter. I was being laissez-faire. And indeed, I was raised by a narcissistic parent and attracted A LOT of male narcissists. I’m recovering and getting to know my needs, likes and dislikes. I told myself yesterday that communicating these things do not make me “difficult”, “neurotic” or anything negative of the sort. I hope everyone gets to heal from being “cool”.
Omg, where were you 8 years ago! I am very guilty of this and just left my narcissistic relationship 7 months ago bc I couldn’t do it anymore. Was engaged but couldn’t go through to marriage. I knew something was soooo wrong! Thank you so much for giving me the vocabulary for what I’ve gone through. This is helping my healing process.
I make it a point to watch your videos every single day, and I have to say that this video really struck a chord with me. For the longest time, I used to believe that I needed to be 'cool' in order to fit in and find acceptance. But now, after a lot of introspection and self-discovery, I have come to the realization that the only person I need to impress is myself. And you know what? I am perfectly comfortable being warm and genuine, because that's who I am at my core. Dr. Ramani, you are making a difference in this world. I don’t think you realize how many people you’re helping. Thank you for everything ❤️
Wow… I was in love with someone when I was 19 and he was 24. I was everything to him and he treated me horribly until on day in 2007 I realized he was never going to marry me. I was now 38 with no children and family. I now have 15 year old twins and am grateful that I said no when he asked me to marry him. I was so stupid. He told me he would marry me when I got out of the army. I got out of the army and then he said he would marry me when I graduated college in 1998 at 30… no ring.. I walked away at 38. Please have enough courage to leave.
I love and appreciate how deep you go with these subjects. This old 71 yr old just keeps learning even though the content isn't always directly relevant
I think there's a distinction between a performative "cool girl" and someone who genuinely is just lower maintenance. I'm genuinely unbothered and therefore like most personalities and people. It's hard to bug me. But I had to almost teach myself to be bothered by certain behaviors and to label them as bad in a relationship because I was too naiive about the implication of the behavior. I kept treating people like they didn't have evil motives then got taken advantage of. Now even if the action doesn't actually bother me, I know to really address the why of certain actions. Also ADHD, my emotional trauma memory has a short attention span. I had to start writing down when I was upset because I'd genuinely just get over it.
I'm reminded of a trial I was following where the "cool girl", a 35 yo live in girlfriend thought her almost 40 yo athlete boyfriend was cheating on her with a fellow cyclist aged 25. She stalked and unalived the young woman then fled to Costa Rica. She was captured and now sentenced to 90 years in prison. A promising you woman is gone forever and her now ex boyfriend is most likely seeing someone else.
You have nailed why I spend 17 years in a narcissistic relationship completely happy! Because with that man I could be the cool girl!!! I was not in love and I didn't want to marry him!!! Just enjoy 😂 I want to get marry but not to him, and never happened he wanted me for that reason either. Furthermore I'm the unique invisible child raised to be independent.
It is encouraging that Dr. Ramani says it took her time. I'm 38 and am just learning this now and felt shame it took me so long to get here. But it's encouraging that other people have been here.
Wow, just Wow. I never realized this before. You’re so right about this. When I’m the “cool girl” the narc loves me. When I confront or am not in that happy-go-lucky attitude, I’m accused of the worst things. Never realized I was playing the “cool girl” to just deal with this person, but that’s exactly what I am doing. I’ve found that all toxic people in my life respond well to this. So glad to see this so simply. Thank you yet again for all your great videos!
Thank you! You’re a wealth of knowledge and insight! I have done the cool girl thing - for me having no input no objections a pushover. Not anymore I’m finally getting stronger…as you said I was not allowed to be myself. I grew up in a toxic family system with loads of narcissistic abuse- and had to be silent with no opinions or disagreements. Unfortunately I’m still in a situation with two narcissists…both malignant but one is also covert. I was just told by text to not walk on the grass because walking with my boots on it is killing the grass. Can you believe it…..these people are psycho!
Dr. R. You just described me and my relationship in my 20s. I was in a cool girl/narcissistic relationship for 4 years in my 20s and only now at 52 I realized that it wasn't me it was him when I look back at all thw stuff he said and did. I have been thinking I was at fault for the relationship not working out because that's what I was told. I have suffering and punishing myself for losing a "great" guy. Well this stopped this year when I looked at the evidence and behavior realized it was never me! Thanks for this video.
I think the "cool girl" was born by narcissistic men critizicing women for wanting respect and love. Because I remember being called neurotic, needy, crazy etc. Just for wanting respect and love. 😢
The "Cool Girl" monologue in the movie "Gone Girl"
If you have a Narcissistic parent, you are GROOMED for this !
So very true
Agree with this so much!
@@robinkholmes7127know that in the movie the "Gone Girl" ,,,the real psychopath is Amy.....Amy is the narcissistic psychopath.
A lot of “cool girls” present as strong, but they have no boundaries, people please, and do as they’re told. Narc paradise.
Well said.
Thanks for the gut punch 😔
@@ethelsmith9626 I must respond. Please don’t take it as a gut punch. I’m actually extending a helping hand. The “cool girl” gets tricked into letting go of her truly cool self out of fear of being labeled a “Daria” or a “weird girl”. Let go of that fear. I suspect that the real you is pretty damn cool, and there are plenty of people who will confirm that if you let them. It takes energy to meet new people, but it also takes energy to constantly suppress the real you. If you’re going to burn calories either way, burn them running to the next chapter instead of treading water in a bad pool. Sending you love and strength.
As a reformed cool girl, can confirm
I used to try to do this when I was around my mom. I could brush off anything no matter how rude it was, laugh at any mistreatment enacted very tomboyish to feel tough and untouchable.I remember feeling see down like something was wrong while I tried to brush off a lot of things under the rug. I pushed those uncomfortable feelings aside even more by boxing and running and more cool girl behavior. I was very mistrustful and reserved around other people. It wasn't until I moved out and had roommates that I began to find peace in not having to put up that kind of facade. When I came home to visit and wasn't the cool girl, I noticed I felt unaccepted and judged by my mom's silent treatment and critical comments about opinions or other topics that she did not agree with. I became more and more uncomfortable in her presence and it only got worse the more independent I became.
I'd be willing to bet that behind a good many "cool girls" is a narcissistic parent who taught them early that having healthy expectations of others' behavior and consideration for them was selfish.
Soooo true😢
Yes, I agree. ❤
For sure.
You lost your voice long before entering an intimate relationship and never learned how to advocate for yourself. Doing so meant you were disrespectful and ungrateful.
Yep, and my mother is still this way. Yes, she taught me a lot of bad about relationships and I'm glad I've learned boundaries and speaking up because she really taught me not to in fear of losing love or access to things she was supposed to do for me as a parent who "loved" me, anyway. You can just imagine how that showed up in relationships with other people.
also do not hate on the cool girl, gently guide her (as friends, closed ones). she often needs reassurance and to understand boundaries and ppl pleasing is not healthy
I used to be a cool girl. Now I’m a difficult woman. And I’m so much happier! My relationships with men are very much on my and our terms now. Not theirs.
Low maintenance, setting the bar low, chill, cool girl. Abusive men look for pre-abused women without a strong sense of self defense and without a healthy, protective family or friend group. Then they isolate her.
👍👍👍
OMG! I was the cool wife for 20 years. Sometimes I still am. The worst way to be. I'm now working to get ridd of this behaviour and not be the cool girl any more.
@@Smeryrosu Good for you! I'm a stranger but I'm proud of you 😊
They and employers prey on single women with no friends, family or good financial support. You can have good boundaries but it doesn’t matter- it all comes down to sociopaths- economic status.
Unfortunately this was my story. But by God's grace I got out. Thank God
"THey want a girl who likes every effing thing they like and never complains"--the Cool Girl monologue from Gone Girl.
I thought about that monologue too
This!
Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man.
Wow
I was thinking the same thing! One of the most honest things I'd ever read was that monologue. It's sad that it's still true.
It's exhausting trying to be cool with a Narcissist. The body starts to rebel with rashes, weight loss, sudden attacks of nausea, anxiety, insomnia....
Until you learn this is toxic .
Oh that’s what was causing the physical shit.
Right
Wowowowow just exactly as it happened
Yes…it completely wrecked my health, to be asked to ignore all my internal rhythms and needs.
THIS!
people tell you to just unbothered. But, that actually becomes exhausting. It's amazing how mentally stunted people are about these things.
Right, you start acting robotic. Or, you have to start acting manic and fake happiness. All of this taxing on you mentally. And for some physically.
"In a healthy relationship, each partner is a custodian of the vulnerabilities of the other person." So beautiful.... but narcissists do not show their vulnerabilities to anyone, and they weaponize those of their partners.
They don’t show their vulnerabilities, but their vulnerabilities absolutely are visible to anyone paying attention.
They’ll deny it but it can still be seen.
Yep!!
Or they do show their vulnerabilities but use it as a weaponised excuse for bad behaviour.
Boundaries are so uncool, said every narcissist ever.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 That needs to be a t-shirt! Dr Ramani merch.
So true! "You are cutting off my spontaneity" he said
As a former “cool girl” I can attest that narcissists both rewarded that behaviour and shamed me if I didn’t just roll with the punches
Same here.
And here.
Me, too.
Wow my ex used to use that phrase ALL the time…”why can’t you just roll with the punches?”
It’s unnecessary and cruelly unacceptable 😞
He LITERALLY said he valued me because “you don’t hold long-term grudges, only short-term ones” and “even when I disappear, you have me back”. The SECOND I cut the cool girl act and asked for clarification about the relationship, he was out of there.
That is the very reason we all need to be straight forward with what we want, or like you did, ask them to clarify their intentions. If we do that right up front, we save time if they are not the one.
Geez. Do we have the same ex?
@@TheKrispyfort it’s uncanny, how alike these guys are!
Ugh yeah I got “all my friends tell me to leave you but why wouldn’t I stay when you keep having me back”
When i asked why he loves me, he said I am his peace. Just another way of saying I don't rock the boat.
I believe the cool girl grew up in chaos & she just wants to keep the peace. She's not good at confronting ppl about their behavior. It even takes her a while to realize she's being disrespected. She just thinks that some ppl just don't know any better. She's angry inside & eventually she blows up & everyone looks surprised. They thought she was so nice, until she loses it. We all get tired of their detestable behaviors!!!
So true Bridgette. Exactly word for word my experience too. I could relate so much. Thank you for your post.
@@janinewilson8647 u are welcome! Take care of yourself & GOD Blessed U!
This, this was me!
@@thelashayway8250 Yes me too. And didn't Bridgette express it in words perfectly. It really helped me as she found words I have struggled to process and express. Comforting that we aren't alone isn't it..🌹
@@janinewilson8647 yupp explained my situation well
I prided myself on being “low-maintenance,” aka cool.
"I don't like drama" on a dating profile = "I can't handle being called out for my narcissistic behaviors"
That may be for some cases, but also if someone is done over-demanding, loud, abusive, pushy people that hide behind the 'circus'. Some people like quiet reasonable people. This seems reductionist
@@specialflower1160these kinds of statements in dating profiles are yellow flags because it’s an obvious statement, no one healthy likes drama so why do you need to say it in your profile? What makes that statement so important for you to say? Because your relationships have had a lot of “drama”?
When we point a finger at others, all of our other fingers at ourselves, it’s also called projecting.
Another way to take this comment, if he says all his ex’s are crazy he’s dodging his own responsibility and may have caused much of the problems.
@@specialflower1160no. No one sane and healthy wants “drama”. Anyone who feels the need to say that, IS the problem, because they’re saying it due to their experience with “drama” where THEY are the common denominator. Healthy people who aren’t the problem in relationships don’t feel the need to specify that they don’t want drama.
@@LinnLinnok-fe5tqso true. What they’re actually saying is: I don’t want to take any responsibility for you feeling bad, even when I know really well I was the one who caused it. They are actually already gaslighting you before even have met you
Being on dating sites and dating apps is narcissistic behaviour in itself
Society conditions women to be "cool" and "low maintenance". Any needs we have or if we use our choice then we're "controlling" or "high maintenance" or neurotic/sensitive/hormonal etc. And yes, that's the plan. They want men to sign up to the servitude
The thing I find fascinating about this is how sexually motivated narcissism can be. If a woman turns down sexual relations, she's a 'prude' or a 'cold fish'. But if she agrees, she is 'slutty' or 'easy'. These predatory terms are so sick.
@@louiselincoln that's a real paradox for sure, but not always a narcissistic trait. Women can say those things about other women too, because it's what we see on TV etc. Most things are like that for women, bottle vs breast either way mums get critism, etc.
So close. The word is misogyny, and it's so ingrained in society that it infects men and women.
Patriarchy and misogyny are rooted in narcissism.
When I confronted my ex about cheating he called me controlling
Narcissists SHOP for their victims. They align themselves to their victims. They watch and ask questions, then appear to have the same things in common. It is very important to not listen but OBSERVE the shark before you are consumed.
THIS THIS This !!
💯 👏 ❤
Pretending to have the same things in common, yes! That's a huge red flag for me now! The last guy I dated "appeared" to have so much in common with me, seemed to like/dislike the same things, seemed to have the same viewpoints. The key word is "seemed". It was all an act, which I found out slowly over months. Fortunately, it only took me 9 months to figure out who and what he was, instead of years and years. They can only keep the mask on for so long, before it begins to slip, and their true self emerges.
Beware that person who seems to be a "soulmate", and has everything in common with you. They're just playing a role, it's all an act!
They do indeed SHOP for their victims. For myself, I have to be very careful about sharing too much of myself early in a relationship. Narcs look for vulnerabilities, and they will use it against you later on. It is best to wait to share sensitive things with anyone, until you know them very well. Until they have proven they are NOT a narc, and it is safe to let your guard down!
🎯🎯🎯🎯
Huge Truth Here! This!
Narcs peruse our social media accounts that might only amount to archives of pictures that the person can't keep hard copies of. Try to archive or private pictures. Narcs will monopolize upon and manipulate about content from the pictures to make you think it's chemistry when it's only familiarity. Dr Ramani was so good to say chemistry is familiarity. She demystified narcissists. I can't wait to buy her new book.
Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you-to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.
Have no intention… people like yrself will get used over and over again. Good luck with that
I agree with this but would add to trust no one, but if you are going to trust anyone, then by all means trust but verify.
This energy expended by already maimed persons for their benefit and at our expense? Fool.
@@dcanes5720 dcanes, you are correct. I am 70 yrs living proof of what you said.
@@DzsM-rz7gu Unless you’re a masochist.
I've always been the cool girl. I ended up chronically ill.
Check out Medical Medium, he will be helpful to you:)
Same. I am so sorry to hear it. People keep saying there is a psychological/neurological/immunological link, and there probably is, like stress primes the body wrong and then a pathogen is the trigger. I hope you can recover or stabilize.
ditto
Oh hello, hi, it's me. Yep. Interestingly, the narc that raised me is so obsessed with the Cool Girl she also tries to be one at all costs. Also chronically ill. And yet. 😬
Wow me too
I was a cool girl and was raised by a narcissist mom who molded me into someone who will excuse everything she did and not raising my voice and calling her out. When I learned in therapy that my mom's a narcissist and I was allowed to have needs, my self centered then boyfriend was freaking out because I was suddenly "uncomfortable and mean and selfish and yelling and a psychopathic maniac", judging by his reality, while my therapist was laid back and proud of me to finally get angry and confronted both with their bullying and gaining my voice back. Boy, both hated it and I was sued by mom and I had to pay her lawyers fee after she died,.. If you regain your voice, be prepared for starting a war!!
I went through something very very similar and you’re right. They get aggressive and angry for us expressing our needs because we’re not supposed to have any.
@katja6332 @linYouToo more power to both of you🤗🤗
I’m noticing a pattern of narcs and those trained by narcs to still be flying monkeys and etc, that the _moment_ you find your voice, suddenly _you’re_ the psychopathic one. Actively, and _explicitly_ worded as being psychopathic and potentially unsafe around other people (as a way to guilt and shame you into returning to either Cool Girl or their particular brand of Manic Pixie Dream Girl).
It was a _complete_ death-knell for the remainder of the narcissists in my life (I’m very lucky to have an SO who is not and neither is his immediate family of origin), when a piece of media I already adore handed me the phrase “Manic Pixie Dream Assassin.” (The joke being that the unfeeling psycho who clearly fell in love with the unmotivated female to motivate her to go out and live for herself, was not an unfeeling monster as he thought he was, he just wasn’t _written_ to be anything more than _her_ manic pixie dream girl. Of course, it was fascinating to have the trope recognized under an entirely different set of gendered stereotypes.)
I started many wars in these few years with my ex and my narcissistic family members😂😂 gosh the rewards are lucrative. They get their bad karmas and you get to witness all of them, happen one by one hahahahaaha. I just wanted to remind you that if we truly are a pure loving innocent soul, we'll be protected by our spirits and that those who hurt us will get their bad karmas in return. Because we reap what we sow.
@@namoamitofo48ॐ777omg hell yeah I’ve been going through that 😂😂😂 it’s funny to watch because I’m like that’s what y’all get for trying to fuck with me! Our spirits will take care of it all
I think many of us have gone through the 'cool girl' phase, thinking it would keep the man, but then realised it never got us anywhere. I shudder at the things I previously tolerated all because I didn't want to make a fuss.
💯🫶🏼
Right there with you ❣️
💯💔
Wordd
Exactly
Yup. I know better now. Only took 36 years to learn 😂
When Narcissistic men say they want a woman to "be my peace" he is basically saying he wants the "cool girl"... wish I had not fallen for that so many times
He wants someone who isn't human, he can't handle an actual flesh and blood human being, he wants a Heavenly Angel benignly looking down upon him like the Fairy Godmother in The Wizard of Oz.
He hasn't got his own peace! He wants a perfect mommy woman to be everything to him and for him, with him and around him at all times. To be what he doesn't have on the inside which is his job to procure for himself! I don't date anymore I'm getting old, but if I did I would say to a man you better bring your inner peace to the relationship!
I'm a Christian and I have a big saying that I use all the time, I say I'm not anybody's 'Personal Jesus'!!
Exactly💯.
That phrase makes me ill. Heard that one before 🤢
I've seen this phrase used so many times in Manosphere communities. "She should be your peace, not your challenge.".
I understand this if "challenge" is being used like a quest in a game, or a person who is difficult to get along with, but real people who are equals will both constantly challenge each other because they're actual HUMANS.
I've also seen men say that the woman exists to give him peace by not disrespecting him. Ask them what "disrespect" means and many confuse "obedience and submission" with "respect.". It creeps me out.
The narcissist at work tells me "I hope you find your peace" now I get what he means. Everytime we cross paths I am a bitch towards him, guess I am not a cool person 😅
I find that “cool girl” is a more complimentary term for “doormat”. This was the dynamic my parents had. Everyone absolutely loved my mother. She was bubbly, sweet, and fun. And dare I say, probably “cool” to a lot of people. Behind the scenes, she walked on egg shells around my verbally abusive and sadistically cruel father. I’m so glad I found this channel and finally understand the dynamic.
The book “why men love bitches” says it’s about not being a doormat.. however the book is all about how to be a doormat 😂 ironic
Your poor Mum
Someone needs to design a doormat with "the Cool Girl" printed on it.
Or a doormat brand called "Cool Girl"
Because you're analysis is spot on
This is exactly how I was my whole life. Bubbly and fun. Easy going. Put up with everything. I’m 35 years old now and I feel like I’m finally learning to stop being the “cool girl”. Because all it has done is make me a target.
@@TheIsraelProphetessSAME
Anytime I hear "go with the flow", "ride or die", "chill", or anything similar, I automatically understand that is not an environment for me.
Same
Most of the time when guys say they want a "chill" gf, they really just mean he wants her to just be a female simp. She lets him just do anything, she lets him just treat her any type of way and she doesn't check him for his bullshit.
"Life's too short" is another one. They're usually people who actually aren't naturally easy going people.
Same....SAME!
I hate that phrase, “ride or die.” What does that even mean?!? I don’t want a relationship where there is a possibility of dying.
Basically why men look for much younger partners
As someone who is in an age-gap relationship as an adult, it really depends on the man you're seeing. The first red-flag is when he haven't been married or has any children. That proves that no woman in his own age wants him (or for whatever reason). The second one is that he belittles you (they don't see you at their level). The third one is you see a pattern of him always seeing and dating younger women in the past. In my case, my boyfriend doesn’t have any of these red flags. I'm a stepmother. His ex is in his age, and so on.
I read a post on reddit that's like, women their age wouldn't accept their bs
(Like not paying bills or lying, no actual future life commitments just "seeing how things go" while u think you're on the road to marriage but they just have a hot 20 somethings roommate that cheapens their rent bill)
No. I'm past 30. I wouldn't be looking for a younger woman to abuse. I would never spit at a woman my own age, I didn't waste my younger years fucking around, even when I could.
Hypocrites.
It happens in all age differences. Don't think that because you're similar ages that it won't happen.
I fell for it..I am 33 his 58 yrs ..he is sucking the shit out of me
My ex had the nerve to say, " He loved the attention we got while out in public".... Narcs wanna be with anyone that'll get them the attention they would never receive by themselves...it's all about image
Yep
So true
WITNESSED IT MYSELF! Married to it.
@Freespiritedqueen
TY...glad I'm not the only one
My ex said tbe same 😮
„The opposite of cool is warm, the loveliest thing a person could be.“. What a great sentence ❤
In my opinion narcissists target Sweet Innocent Girls who they can target and easily manipulate for supply supply supply. I can’t even tell you how many times my ex boyfriend(in my opinion is a narcissist) called me super super super sweet and used me soooooo much for almost a year and then I got the discard from him. They are MASTER MANIPULATORS. They go for Sweet Girls they target them.
Arghh my ex used to call me that too 🤢
Yup.
My ex called me a sweetheart, YEARS after we broke.
Correct
Gotta be a beating heart of stone
Agreed and YOUNG girls who want so called HIGH VALUE MEN! 🤦♀️😂. HIGH VALUE EQUATES WITH MEN THAT HABE MONEY AND THOSE ARE MORE LIKELY TO CHEAT AND HARM YOU!!! I STUdy THESE MEN!
I had people laugh at me for being a “Pick me” and switched to “Cool Girl”… both soul crushing
Whoa - "That's not a relationship, that's servitude " 😮 🤯 mind blown!
The “cool girl” culture pisses me off!!! Because I was raised like that, thinking that we women have to be “strong” and don’t care about feelings and being “open” and don’t “make a fuss” and I fell SO many times with jerks but in the culture we live in that’s what “makes you attractive”.
If I have to go without my needs met for the sake of being attractive to someone who uses me I’d rather be alone.
Cool = doormat/people pleaser
💯
Not at all. Cool girls play on their game level. They are alpha females.
@@ashleywalker1411there’s no such thing as an alpha female. Don’t believe me? Talk to a “cool girl” that’s in her 60’s, 70’s, or 80’s.
Can’t find none you say??? Because they’re DEAD because their organs failed due to alcohol abuse, or AIDS. They’re sitting in a home ALONE and MISERABLE because their kids HATE THEM. They’re living with some old ass pervert who’s cheating on them with prostitutes or somebody’s 15 year old that they’re grooming…maybe even that “cool girls” daughter OR SON and they’re still tryna be “cool” so they play it off like nothings happening. They’re hanging with women half their age tryna hold on to their youth. But you know…they’re alpha 🤷🏽♀️
Doormat is your old brain
@@ashleywalker1411not necessarily, they can be aware and play it or they can be conditioned to self abandon their boundaries - no boundaries at all, ppl pleasing…
I love the ‘it’s not about being cool but being real’. If I feel it’s hard to ‘be real’ around someone, and/or healthy, then I take a step back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Really healthy
In my relationship with narcissist I got sick - physically
I was tired all the time, no matter how long I slept
My head hurts
I even got allergic reactions and random rashes on my skin
No doctor knew what was happenning, nobody could help me
guess what halped - break up.
I am never again going to let someone disturb my peace of body and mind so badly.
I’m so glad we got out. Never letting this happen again!!!
I stopped bleeding for 3 months from stress
My doctors were aware and told me if I didn’t leave him
My body would rebel and it did
I finally left but my body is still not healed but I am getting better
Oh I'm sorry you had to go through this. I don't want to blame my relationship with a narcissist for getting physically sick too but doctors couldn't explain why and how I got optic neuritis. I got swolllen optic nerves from too much crying and stress plus sleeping late because of my ex. What healed me is breaking up with him too. I hope we learn to protect ourselves. Get well soon!
same omg
That ain't a cool girl!! A doormat!!!
Every time I check in with Dr. Ramani, it's a healing moment. ❤❤❤
Same.
💯
Yesss
I was never cool with sharing. We were 15. He was a party boy and I was cool with that. We had a lot of fun when we were young.
I grew up and he grew down over the next 35 years. He told me I wasn't cool anymore. I said, well I'm not in the 8th grade and I don't care about cool.
He actually calls himself cool.
It's like wisdom. I wise man doesn't have to tell others that he is wise.
OMG he must be 50 years old and still brags about being cool😂that's... Unfortunate.🤣
I was with a 57 y.o. man a few years ago who kept saying everything was cool, or used the 😎 emoji. Problem was, he was the most evil bastard I've ever met.
What do you do when your mother is the narcissistic person and you are the cool daughter...and waste your life trying to figure out how to be loved by your mom. I feel exhausted, betrayed, abused and sick and beyond tired
You have to realise that she can't love you the way you want. It's not possible for her. You have to redefine your expectations for the relationship, for your own sake. I recommend the book, Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
I think narcs are weak no matter how cool they pretend to be. If they'll get a cool girl it strenghten narcs' personality and outlook. Unfortunatelly this cool girl will have to be the real man in the relationship: braver, stronger, provider etc as this weak man is not able/willing to be like that. Trust me: been there, done that.
After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!
I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??
Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Vecchi Nese .
She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
Great to see you guys talking about her, she changed the game for me.
Warm and real. Thank you, Doctor Ramani for being warm and real.
I could actually feel your pain Dr. Ramani. Thank you for sharing your own vulnerabilities along with your vast knowledge with us.
I wish there was a way to erase the memories of what I "agreed to" while married to a covert Narcissist. I thought being cool would keep him happy and faithful to me. 😅
Life is better now that I'm rarely cool! 😂❤❤❤
as a former cool girl, i never really voiced out the hurt I felt when the almost about to happen relationship would turn cold and distant just because i had voiced out my concerns against their BS . They would go out and about with god knows who with no replies to my text and then suddenly when I mirrored the sentiment. The love bombing would start again and i would believe their lies of all the other girls being too needy and typical for their taste. It took so many of my precious life years to understand they are never going to change.
I think sometimes it's not about being "cool", but about of the fear of rejection. When you learned at home that your needs are not important and you should not be a burden by asking for something that would make you feel good, you learn to keep everything for yourself and do everything by yourself. So maybe from the outside it looks like you are "cool", but in reality you are afraid of rejection and disappointment and you become a control freak when it comes to your own things.
Ex "Cool girl" here",
I just ended up being tossed aside and gaslighted and hating myself for it at the end. The root of it was I saw the best of his efforts, believing and expecting that a guy would want to prove himself to me if we got serious, so why shouldn't I? All it did was push me to my limit of actually destroying my health. This is no joke.
The root of it was, I have severe anxiety, self-doubt and insecurity issues, I'm recovering from MTD and depression right now due to severe childhood trauma and experiences in my life I'm better off forgetting, but the feeling from those still is there. I approach conversations with a more heartfelt, sort of empathetic approach. Always thinking from the other person's view.
These guys like girls with "daddy issues", insecurity issues for that reason that these issues make us low enough and they don't see and respect that you're trying to recover, they lure you in with words and fake hope, but they have another motive in mind. They want to let out their worst on you and feed this sick sort of ego in them, they will have absolutely no shame about it. It's sick, because your struggles just encourages them to channel their worst on you, and this toxic cycle doesn't stop. It's shameful, terrible and plain disgusting. They get a boost out of the fear and control they can instill into you.
Lesson to anyone out there: SET. YOUR. BOUNDARIES. If they're not a "cool girl/guy", why should you be for them? Let's get over the stereotypes that men are simple, women are complicated. We can find a lot of statistics that show that this is absolutely not true, and that we're all human at the end of the day who should be able to be aware of whats good and what's not. And i'm only saying men because it's my experiences as a straight woman, but obviously this applies to anyone.
I always go back to the movie Joker now, because somewhere I completely get where he's coming from. When you're a kind, generous person always trying to balance things out in life never speaking from your perspective, and quiet in adjusting to situations every single time, people are so unforgiving and so inconsiderate that they'll just see you as something to laugh at and stomp on you for an ego kick. Very few people acknowledge. "It's enough to make anyone crazy".
I'm cool with being single and being difficult with the wrong people for me. You earn time spend with me by adding value to what I already have. No time for anything else. I love my own company and can self-soothe and entertain. Narcissistic types give me a wide berth.
You cant change them! Pull your energy back and let them go!
So true. Pathetically, I tried this, a long with lots of other girls like me, years ago and attracted a well known narcissist who was so abusive- we weren't even dating. He always said he loved how "cool" I was- that was in the honeymoon phase. Before he disgarded me for another cooler girl, I just went along with all his controlling ideas, bleached and wore my hair the way he wanted, dressed in what he wanted, and I wasnt ever granted a relationship. But he wanted all the perks with the ability to tell me what to do and if I disobeyed or got out of line I would be punished severely with stonewalling, screaming rages, or worse, smear campaigns. I also was made to have sex only on his terms and he was terrible in bed. It was crazy. Cool girls are glorified doormats. Be assertive and be yourself unapologetically. Don't sacrifice your integrity to please others. AND STAY AWAY FROM THESE CRAZY PREDATORS.
Wow. I am so sorry you experienced that. Went through the same thing you've described some 2 years ago. No contact and self-healing have really helped.
@@paprika7930no contact thing is so tough now for me ..been into 6 months.
Fortunately I met an angel friend whom I message whenever I feel need to contact him. She helps me calm down. But I know I have to heal myself.
I'm just afraid he has my videos taken without consent
Did we Date the same guy from the punk/metal scene lol
Avoid people like that, they’re severely out of touch with reality, and you will pay the price.
Exactly...
I was crying with each and every WORD of yours. Because I felt ashamed of myself for letting them do this to me.
My natal chart says, "You're like a gift to everyone else but that doesn't work out so well for you." - I considered myself to be a cool girl. Well, there are lessons to learn here.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Namaste. 🙏
I used to always be the ‘cool girl’ and it brought me heartbreak and trauma. It’s hard for me to not be overly independent because I had to be to survive. Learning to healthily express myself. If someone doesn’t respect my boundaries and needs then I now know they aren’t good for me. I’d rather be healthy than ‘cool’. Or perhaps the ‘new cool’ can be ‘healthily expressing our own wants needs feelings boundaries and value’. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
"The new cool" can be "healthily expressing our own wants, needs, feelings, boundaries, and value." I second this notion!
I relate girl it's nice to know others out there like myself ❤ keep ur head up stay strong !
I played the “cool girl “ for a while during what I now know was a narcissistic relationship. I think I did this to try and make him think he didn’t hurt me as much as he thought he did. I now know that he quickly used this to his advantage. I had never experienced any type of relationship like that and was quite naive. I learned the hard way how there are truly awful people out there that don’t care about my feelings. Being single and lonely can really set you up for settling for less. I learned the hard way that it just wasn’t worth it. I value myself more than I need to be with someone.
🫂
My biggest fear in relationships was being ‘needy’, so was too cool for sure. Not sure why, guess cause my needs were shamed and ignored growing up a lot. Learning to value and healthily express my needs and see who respects them. I’d rather cut my losses and be healthy and real. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Crazy thing about Cools Girls: they don’t want cool guys by their side.
It is too much freedom. For friendship okay. But for intimate relationships, they get lost around cool guys.
It’s like the narc works as the perfect compliment, because the first impression is that he gives you the sense of direction and safety, although all of this have a really high cost. You basically need to give up your identity to make it work.
I've also wondered about that. I suppose people want to re-enact their traumas. The highs and lows cause dopamine hits, which can be addictive.
I was the cool girl for far to long, not anymore, now I refer to the old me as the fool girl.
I was discarded for the millionth time almost a week ago because I’m not the “cool girl” and that’s what he wants. He told me, the other girl (who he’s been denying btw) doesn’t act like that.
He said I don’t act right and I don’t listen. They want the cool girls for a reason
The narcissist doesn't just text a word or two in the beginning. They send what you want and in detail and depth. Then they start changing it up, so it isn't as easy to learn... oh they aren't texting or communicating as well as you'd like... they almost communicate perfectly in the beginning. 😢
In the beginning, they listen to everything you want and say that's what they want too and you think you've met your soul mate but later it turns out that you were played
@@sdaughtrey1205exactly
Looking back I was so naive like my pre Him and post him would call me stupid but during him i couldn't see ir
It took me 5 years to heal from the emotional abuse and gaslighting done by a past relationship with a narcissist… this guy was obsessed with being cool and wanted me to be “cooler” by dismissing my needs. He showed no empathy whatsoever… when I finally brought it up he gaslighted me making me believe I was needy and crazy and ultimately it was break up for I never knew exactly what reason…
Once I finally got over it the only thing I am able to say is: I'm so happy this person is not in my life today. Finally, you eventually learn to not making the same mistakes again surrounding yourself with such people.
It’s not about being “cool”, it’s about being real! 👏👏👏
Raised by a narcissistic father and a codependent mother with a golden child and a scapegoat older brother... There is no other way than being the "cool" girl to survive this madness. You are NEVER enough for them.
That's why you should always be "cool" with everything. Even if your choices are confusing, divided and contradictory.
It doesn't matter... It doesn't matter if you have boundaries, wants and needs.Because it doesn't matter who you are. All that matters is what serves them, in order for you to avoid abuse. You accept everything because you always walk on eggshells.
It almost sounds like a "cool girl" is almost the same as the push over. Or like I was the door mat. That was me. The push over. I took it and took it until I couldn't take it anymore. I finally learned to push back. The best part about it I tricked him into "dumping me" it was the only way to get him not to Guilt me into coming back it felt great to finally break free.
Same!! I told my therapist (who specializes in Cluster disorders) to be REALLY frank with me and tell me if she thought I had a disorder for purposely essentially breaking his veil of empathy for me and kinda “tricking” him to end the relationship. Because I had tried to leave multiple times and he held my cat hostage. So I never left. I know, funny but not funny. 4.5 years gone and I missed my chance to have a family. It was definitely the absolute most brutal discard and that part is hard to think about because I saw he was truly sociopathic as well as NPD.
Anyway, my therapist said, “You did what you had to do to get out.”
@@kates4089
You got out, the first step is always the hardest. I find myself dwelling on the past events from time to time too. For me it's been ten years (almost 11 now). But thankfully I have a wickedly good therapist and a great support system. So keep up the good work. And maybe someday the dwelling will feel more like a reflection and less like a regret. Or better yet he will be but a mere speck in the part of your life that was your past.
@@kates4089I’m wanting to get a therapist to talk about my “situationship” that is supposedly a “relationship” doesn’t feel like it and it’s been 1 1/2 years. I know what to do but hate getting sucked back in. I Can be a bit Narcissistic myself and I hate it because then I’ll be like who did it this time??
It’s complicated though becquse our egos are so high that when we clash , our hearts break and we can see our inner child deeply hurt. It sucks becquse that’s what makes us stay. I am more healed now and more healed than him so I can see his struggles. He’s able to let his guard down and his walls break becquse I somehow am capable of breaking them down. It’s sad becquse I truly love and understand him. He self sabotages soo much, just like I used to do in the past.
I hope he actually does try and heal. I do not know how to leave him or make him leave me because we both come back after time passes. Sucks.
14.15 to 15.20 I am crying, not just as a fellow sufferer but also for the advise 'get there quicker than 60'.. just shows despite all pain endured you are a true empath.. you are wonderful person Dr. Ramani who is a safe space to many. Never forget that.
Thank you for sharing
Opened my eyes
My cool girl just flew out of the window
Left IS my authentic Me
As always
Thank you Dr Ramani
Im sure the narcs loved the 60's and 70's hippy "cool girls" . I wish Id learned these lessons way back when too. Thanks Dr. Ramani for the great video and content.
I've always wondered why being easy going seems attract the most difficult people.
i am a victim of this. i was constantly praised for “not giving him a headache” and “not being like other girls” until i lost my damn mind and never spoke to him again
I was laughing to myself because I never shut up. I said less when he was dying but still had to remind him not to say something he couldn't take back and leave me with yet another bad memory. One of his "friends" told me after he died that he respected me for not being a yes person. But I realized that although my voice was still strong that I had compromised myself far too much with him over the years in an effort to "get along". Then he died. The end. Recovery began and is ongoing. Guess I was never cool.
Recovery and healing is cool. You deserve to be healthy and whole, wanting that for yourself is cool!
The whole Narcissist personality is designed to break boundaries. Someone told a story how the Nazi would bring a puppy to the new recruits let them bond, and then the soldiers would make them watch the dog's untimely death. At first the men would protest but eventually after several episodes of puppy bonding and then watching them killed, the men no longer protested or felt upset. This is not a great way to prepare your heart to meet your loving Heavenly Father. Guard your boundaries.
A man without compassion is a beast
I also found that being “independent and confident” was one of the reasons he felt attracted in the first place and he even mentioned it but then complained about me not being jealous or not “caring enough”
And I ended being so not confident and feeling so small when he left me without his lovebombing
Stay safe 💖, if you are in your healing path, getting along with a narcissist can take a big part of that inner work down. But you have already started the glow up, and you can keep going. Trust yourself 🌻
Currently a month away from being separated from my situation for good, and this one right here really hit like the truth. Thank you for sharing cause I feel like I'm not alone in realizing this and having to build myself back up! In fact, I'm excited to leave and be myself again. Even if I'm afraid and challenged the confidence will come back I'm sure.
they want to destroy us because they cant be us
I got called the cool girl once by someone i wasn’t even dating! I built a reputation as a target and push over. Wish i had all this info in my 20s had to learn the hard way❤
“The opposite of cool is actually warm.” What an incredible and supportive quote . Thank you.
*“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.” ―Edward Abbey*
Ed was very low key. He was looking for stories every time I was around him. He asked about what someone did. He'd sit down at a bar next ti you and the next thing you knew he was getting stories. He just told me he was a writer. I assumed he meant for magazines or advertising, LOL. This happened a few times. Later after I read the Monkey Wrench Gang, a friend said "you knew Ed". So and so is this character and this person is that character. Apparently he had a solution to writers block. He'd just walk over to the bar and find his stories. Rich life rich characters. Just find them.
Either your too needy or your trying to control them, you just can't win.✌
I'm just learning a lot of people since my childhood tried to Make me uncomfortable with me being who I am and make fun of me. Now I know why.
I'm literally shocked. I wish content like this was available 15 years ago, so I didn't end up in an over decade long relationship that is what dr Ramani explains to the T.
Thanks so much for this and your other content, the world need to know about this and we need to be educated and aware so there's less and less opprtunity for them to cause harm.
My health and my mental health is so damaged that after years of the trauma being over, I'm still healing. At least I survived and I feel greatful for that period of my life to be over and the opportunity for a healthy life.
Please keep up the amazing work!❤
I was brainwashed into "being cool" - it was my own wounded inner child who helped me see the light. For years and years I had been acting from that space, unaware. She was needing so much healing from sexual abuse to physical, emotional and psychological abuse. My psyche had been wired "wrong" and I had been inauthentic my whole life. My survival mechanism was "give them what they want" and to "smile and squash your own needs" because in being authentic all of a sudden you're boundaried up, you're not OK with crappy behavior, you're wanting and needing for the first time in your life, and you're told "I miss the old you"....Well she's gone! She was a doormat. She bulldozed herself. She gaslit herself. Authenticity is the solution, no matter how that makes you look to others. I learned this the hard way. It was devastating. I'm still finding my authentic self. It's so hard.
Wow!
"Easy, breazy, ____-girl" was in all the fashion magazines, and the cool girl surfer/skateboard culture, mtv/mid-90's pop culture.
Thanks for covering this!
So Brilliant. There are so many of these behavioral paradigms that have been designed by Narcissists to create the perfect Supply: inert objects with no needs or preferences. It's a paradigm of servitude. You are so Great at this, Dr. Ramani! Thank you.
“Human rights education is key 🗝️ to addressing the underlying causes of injustice around the world. The more people know about their rights, and the rights of others in society, the better equipped they are to protect them.”
-Salil Shetty 🇮🇳
Former Secretary-General of Amnesty International
A flaming dumpster of nonsense. It takes money to stand up for your rights.
Without it you have none.
Something Martin Luther King came to realize right before he was murdered.
This video is a love letter to all those girl that one day we thought being "cool girls" are gonna getting us a cool partner. The healing process is hard but at the end the reward is infinite. I am crying tears rember when I was the "cool girl" but at the same time so gratefull to find this content.
I remember that in another channel the host had this same conversation about being “cool”. I commented that being cool was cemented in people-pleasing and low self-steem. And I clearly can attest because I was “cool” with a whole lot of things even if I was resentful or bitter. I was being laissez-faire. And indeed, I was raised by a narcissistic parent and attracted A LOT of male narcissists. I’m recovering and getting to know my needs, likes and dislikes. I told myself yesterday that communicating these things do not make me “difficult”, “neurotic” or anything negative of the sort. I hope everyone gets to heal from being “cool”.
Omg, where were you 8 years ago! I am very guilty of this and just left my narcissistic relationship 7 months ago bc I couldn’t do it anymore. Was engaged but couldn’t go through to marriage. I knew something was soooo wrong! Thank you so much for giving me the vocabulary for what I’ve gone through. This is helping my healing process.
You are very strong for ending this relationship ❤ good luck with your healing journey
thanks in part to you it only took me 48 years. I was literally CALLED the 'cool girl' by men and women alike. ❤
Gone girl movie has a passage about a "cool girl" image and expectations very well
Dr Ramani I heard everything you said. I just want to add that you are glowing!
This reminds me of when guys were using the phrase, "she wasn't chill enough," because she called him out on playing games.
My ex the consent clown would use the phrase “easy as Sunday morning” to describe “cool girl.’
I make it a point to watch your videos every single day, and I have to say that this video really struck a chord with me. For the longest time, I used to believe that I needed to be 'cool' in order to fit in and find acceptance. But now, after a lot of introspection and self-discovery, I have come to the realization that the only person I need to impress is myself. And you know what? I am perfectly comfortable being warm and genuine, because that's who I am at my core. Dr. Ramani, you are making a difference in this world. I don’t think you realize how many people you’re helping. Thank you for everything ❤️
Wow… I was in love with someone when I was 19 and he was 24. I was everything to him and he treated me horribly until on day in 2007 I realized he was never going to marry me. I was now 38 with no children and family. I now have 15 year old twins and am grateful that I said no when he asked me to marry him. I was so stupid. He told me he would marry me when I got out of the army. I got out of the army and then he said he would marry me when I graduated college in 1998 at 30… no ring.. I walked away at 38. Please have enough courage to leave.
I was never needy, but I have needs.
Everyone has needs
I love and appreciate how deep you go with these subjects. This old 71 yr old just keeps learning even though the content isn't always directly relevant
❤❤❤
I think there's a distinction between a performative "cool girl" and someone who genuinely is just lower maintenance. I'm genuinely unbothered and therefore like most personalities and people. It's hard to bug me. But I had to almost teach myself to be bothered by certain behaviors and to label them as bad in a relationship because I was too naiive about the implication of the behavior. I kept treating people like they didn't have evil motives then got taken advantage of. Now even if the action doesn't actually bother me, I know to really address the why of certain actions.
Also ADHD, my emotional trauma memory has a short attention span. I had to start writing down when I was upset because I'd genuinely just get over it.
Like my narcissistic Ex would always say-" If you could just chill the f**** out, everything would be great,".
Lovely ending "because the opposite of cool is actually warm" 🧡
I'm reminded of a trial I was following where the "cool girl", a 35 yo live in girlfriend thought her almost 40 yo athlete boyfriend was cheating on her with a fellow cyclist aged 25. She stalked and unalived the young woman then fled to Costa Rica. She was captured and now sentenced to 90 years in prison. A promising you woman is gone forever and her now ex boyfriend is most likely seeing someone else.
You have nailed why I spend 17 years in a narcissistic relationship completely happy! Because with that man I could be the cool girl!!! I was not in love and I didn't want to marry him!!! Just enjoy 😂 I want to get marry but not to him, and never happened he wanted me for that reason either. Furthermore I'm the unique invisible child raised to be independent.
the only acceptable way to act cool is to let people show you how they behave and then walk away forever. great video.
It is encouraging that Dr. Ramani says it took her time. I'm 38 and am just learning this now and felt shame it took me so long to get here. But it's encouraging that other people have been here.
Wow, just Wow. I never realized this before. You’re so right about this. When I’m the “cool girl” the narc loves me. When I confront or am not in that happy-go-lucky attitude, I’m accused of the worst things. Never realized I was playing the “cool girl” to just deal with this person, but that’s exactly what I am doing. I’ve found that all toxic people in my life respond well to this. So glad to see this so simply. Thank you yet again for all your great videos!
Thank you! You’re a wealth of knowledge and insight! I have done the cool girl thing - for me having no input no objections a pushover. Not anymore I’m finally getting stronger…as you said I was not allowed to be myself. I grew up in a toxic family system with loads of narcissistic abuse- and had to be silent with no opinions or disagreements. Unfortunately I’m still in a situation with two narcissists…both malignant but one is also covert. I was just told by text to not walk on the grass because walking with my boots on it is killing the grass. Can you believe it…..these people are psycho!
Dr. R. You just described me and my relationship in my 20s. I was in a cool girl/narcissistic relationship for 4 years in my 20s and only now at 52 I realized that it wasn't me it was him when I look back at all thw stuff he said and did. I have been thinking I was at fault for the relationship not working out because that's what I was told. I have suffering and punishing myself for losing a "great" guy. Well this stopped this year when I looked at the evidence and behavior realized it was never me! Thanks for this video.
Thank you for your vulnerability in this video Dr Ramani!