How narcissists are made
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- Опубликовано: 13 янв 2021
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Frederick Douglass
Beautifully said
Define broken?
@@tdang9528 I take it, you didn't watch the video?
Define strong children. I was a strong child and now a strong adult and still ended up with BPD.
@@LuxMeow Do you refer to yourself personally strong as in strong-willed or strong in resolve or resiliency? I would suggest that strength defined in that quote as an attribute of character, not physical strength. One who has not only been allowed, but encouraged to express themselves, to have a voice or opinion, validated, to be heard, and also acknowledge differing opinions. How many of us were constantly dismissed and invalidated by narcissistic parents who would say things like "children should be seen and not heard". That message over time can develop an inferiority complex into adulthood.
I think anyone who has a child should be required to take parenting classes.
i think so too. how much difference would it made in the world.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes
And that will change them, just because they "know better"?
@@riccardocarbo2479 yes. that pretty much how education works.
Narcissist should only hang out with other narcissists and leave us alone 🤨
Exactly!
Ultimate Chaos ! Cannot imagine 2 Narcissists together.
like a hornet's nest
Not possible .. Negative + negative 😂😂😂
Would love to be a fly on the wall of that gathering! 😅 Is there a collective noun for that? A mirror of narcs perhaps? 😂
Narcissists don’t always throw tantrums. They manipulate in many ways.
Yeah, for sure. I've been going through this for years with my dad. Now he has dementia and has gone over the top with his narcissism. Not an easy thing to deal with. . . not even a little bit.
Yes, like giving you the cold shoulder, not speaking to you even though you live together. I could only last 3 days. Then i gave up and made peace.
It may not be their fault that they ended up a narcissist but us being their punching bag is not going to fix it.
Precisely.
Hm.
If one is surrounded by narcissists, he or she will probably adapt some of narcissistic behavior and not even realize it's hurting others. If one is among narcissist, there always will be that need for validation because they were always devalued but once removed from narcissistic environment, that behavior might change because the person can be herself/himself without fear of being devalued at all times.
Maybe there is hope, at least for some.
Exactly!!!
Right on.
@@ankicazander3464 I think what you're referring to is 'fleas'. The nasty behavior you pick up from an abuser without realizing it. That's MUCH more treatable than a core personality issue, unfortunately, so the hope for full-blown narcissists is slim.
I survived a narcissistic husband-barely. They DO NOT IMPROVE. They get worse and worse. Plan quietly and run.
In the process of divorcing one after 31 years. You are 100% right. They just keep getting worse.
@@kdbee6086 , be SAFE! Be very aware.
I was trapped 19 years in a marriage with a "certified" narcissist. They ONLY get worse and destroys the entire family. LEAVE is the only answer.
@@kdbee6086 omg I thought my story was bad… 25 years here, still in separation stage but definitely getting a divorce. He split with me in January ‘21 and it’s now May and he hasn’t mentioned doing anything to separate properly, except the other week, where he mentioned he doesn’t want to get lawyers involved and keep it amicable when i had to ask him some questions for my Social Security form. That’s it. He is going to make me do all the work, as per usual. So glad it’s over, can’t wait for my freedom back.
@@livvyjos Same thing happened to me. I've found they don't want any third party involved that can't be triangulated.
Goodluck on your journey to freedom.
The narcissistic parent expects their children to parent them, in my experience.
Korek
Inmaturity clouds their life. Children often counsel them.
My poor daughter 😢her dad is one of
@@tayjewel4202have you considered getting a divorce yet?
This is very true
I know my narc mother and my narc ex husband were abused by their parents but there’s absolutely no reason why they had to abuse me or my children the way they did. I was a loving daughter and wife. I didn’t deserve the years of humiliation.
To a great degree, being a loving daughter, and wife only fed the beast. I am older now, and I am so sad that I did not understand this 30 years ago.
You married your mother.
I’m so sorry for what you went through
no one does now you need to heal
You're diagnosing ur parents when ur not qualified
Never met a narcissist that had a normal relationship with their mother.
Normal...??? KINDLY EXPLAIN A BIT
@@PoojaSingh-pt3sw They either despise and have utter contempt for their mothers or they are so deeply enmeshed and dependent on her that they put her above everyone else. In my experience.
@@missminti in my case my husband and mother in law both r narcissist
@@missminti they together plan plot verbally abuse threaten me
@@PoojaSingh-pt3sw Where there is one narc, there are several more. They foster each other's disorders.
Someone being hurt in the past does not give them permission to hurt you.
Although you are correct, damage doesn't typically self repair, trauma never does.
That is rational thought, I don't believe narcissist operate using rational.
Very true- spot on
Plenty of people grow up hurt. They don't all become narcissists. Some become empaths. If being hurt was a prerequisite for narcissism, every scapegoat in a narcissistic family system would be a narcissist.
Narcissists are just people that never became adults (mentally speaking ). They never grew to accept accountability for their own actions. They could care less if they hurt you as long as it doesn't affect them in any way.
We are not required to set ourselves on fire to keep another person warm.
An observation I have made about narcissism: Once I discovered trauma may contribute to narcissistic behavior, I was less angry at the person (healthier for me). However, I was traumatized often times and did not attack or berate people. So while a person can be messed up by trauma, we all still have a conscience inside that signals right/wrong behavior. Being traumatized doesn't excuse bad behavior or justify allowing it to continue, or enabling it. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
This brings a thought to mind...what if... those who get narcissists...have a tendency to be sociopaths too? Cos I always think of these things like...they are not just black and white. There are nuances.
Like, with neuro divergent people. It's a spectrum....not a yes or no.
caption?
I endured 68 years of narcissistic abuse by my mother/brother/husband. I am now 69 and on my healing journey...my head is spinning!!!
As Carl Jung once said: Most people never make it out of adolescence.
And I know quite a few of them.
Very interesting perspective
Agreed
And as Jimmy Dore says; we are all children of alcoholics.
I never made it out of infancy
When I told my mother I was getting a divorce she got angry and yelled "how do you think that makes me feel?" That was the moment I knew what I was dealing with.
my condolences.
Ugh. I've seen this before with narcissistic mothers.
Sounds like my mother...
Rang my boyfriend to look at the beautiful lunar eclipse and got told to "go to therapy. I can't deal with how you feel." Then he thought it was the topic of therapy that got me upset. No, it wasn't. It was the lack of empathy, over the phone, timing, and selfishness. It gave me such a physical reaction where I almost vomited. Disgusting.
@@NK-vs3je you broke up, right?
Love is unconditional
Like the God of the bible only sending certain people to heaven, who worship him. The rest get tortured (out of love out of love)
Yeah those simple words actually stick with us rather than trickles of complex words.
They don't know how to love. They are too broken.
Listening to this the times when people asked me:" How on earth did you come out of this so normal?" I never understood them. But now I do. My childhood was a mess with nothing stable and lack of care, love, and empathy were my daily struggles.
Today I am kind of a people pleaser exept I do not let anybody push me over. My moto is..."This world has enough pain in it. Don't be a part of it. Do good where You can."
My pain taught me how aful it is and how being left alone could do more harm. So when I see my classmate, collegue, friend etc sad I have to ask if they are ok and do they want to talk about it.
Treat others as you want to be treated. I want to be cared and loved so I care and love. ☺️
Very nicely stated. I would love to have a friend or someone like you in my life. They're hard to find. God bless you.
Yes, I was the same; beaten in childhood, stuck in dark cupboards by a middle class mother who had not wanted to have children, bullied at school, 3 attempts to take my own life before 25, but I live such a happy life now and try to care for others feelings. I have a wonderful husband and friends, and people always ask me how I am so normal, after being so badly treated for the first 18 years of my life. I put it down to the cognative therapy I had weekly for three years and a wonderful therapist, who encouraged me to turn my life around, going to art school as a mature student, plus all those wonderful people in my life, I have met since childhood.
❤
I always felt my ex was very angry with his parents and did not want his children to be happier or more successful than him ie have a happier life than he had
Love when she said an adult narcissistic tantrum can put a 3 year old to shame so true!!
Narcissists are also expert at triggering you into a tantrum (without anyone seeing what they did) and then acting like you’re the three year old ;)
Bam!! Stop the video right there!
SO TRUE!!!
@@ThesySurface omg this is so true thank you for making me not feel like I’m crazy.
It can also scare the 💩 out of you!
"Maybe whatever happened to you was not your fault... but it wasn't mine either... and I don't owe you a damn thing. See ya bye."
💯
You don't have to be with anyone you don't want to be with....but there's no need to put them down more. They know they have issues. If you are so balanced and stable you won't let someone mess with your life anyways, so thats on you. People think of emotionally damaged people as jerks, like they want to be like that. Its not a choice.
@@veronicaana Yes I agree - when the emotionally damaged jerk comes to me asking WHY am I dumping them, divorcing them, disowning them, firing them, or resigning from their employ - my actual real world response may be a bit more polite.
The bottom line is still "see ya bye" however.
I'm nobody's therapist. I have neither the qualifications, nor the time, nor the inclination to help some emotionally damaged jerk work through their issues.
You don't have to be a botanist to pull weeds from your garden.
@@lewskaanen812 and I agree thats fine you don't have too deal with them, just send them on their way to deal with their issues or find someone else to take on all that damage. Not everyone handles emotional trauma the same way. Its great that some people are able to overcome it but not everyone is that strong. All I'm saying is if you know someone has issues dont make it a point to damage an already damaged person.
@@lewskaanen812 I have never met a narcissist who thought they had a problem, so did not think they needed anyone or help. Others should be grateful he/she included them in his/her life or found them worthy to be assaulted in every way possible. If they got dumped, there was a payback, not sorrow. Even a perceived snub got a vicious payback without getting caught. They are geniuses of evil plots. Trump was surprised by non approval, not saddened. He was angry that anyone thought little of him and immediately went to payback mode and taught it well. Narcissists cannot be helped. They are unable to have sorrow or regrets. They are incapable of empathy. They learn to act it out, but it is an act. Maybe the wicked twin of autism, I don't know , but I lived with it. I am sorry for their tragic disorder, but so glad to be free of those people. It is like a strangle hold. They build a box around you like a spider's web! It is hard to break free. I seemed to just go from one to another determined not to, watching out, but there I would be again. Mostly men, but even some "friends" were like that and just as dangerous. My mother was an incredible narcissist. Recently, I realized my sister was, too. After 40 years of thinking we were friends, I mean I called her twice a day sometimes, she told me she hated me for something i said 30 years before. She died a month later and I discovered she had indeed hated me. And confusing family problems suddenly made sense. She determined to destroy me and my family. Long story, but her terrible lies were well orchestrated and she almost got her wish. She and my mother and my oldest daughter are like generational clones of the same person. I do not think they could be any other way. I am extremely careful with friends now, because I am like a magnet for narcissists. I have been free for 20 years, but had to work hard. I am sorry I responded before finishing watching this. Comments caught my eye. It is a very sad disorder.
This woman is amazing! Beautiful, seems to have a lovely nature. Knows her stuff, speaks so clearly, able to explain in such an effective manner.
She is amazing! Soft soothing voice with strong, clear, intelligent delivery. A difficult subject, no easy solutions, She provides understanding.
Yup thousands before you said this about this doctor! She is an amazing person!
I agree. Dr. Ramani is my favorite speaker on this topic. She's well versed & on point. The viewers tune in to get a better understanding of a Narc's wiring & how it effects their victims.
❤
I’m finally separated after 29 years of marriage. I planned quietly and finally got the courage to serve him w divorce papers. He’s upset because I have a divorce lawyer and he swears that I’m having an affair (which I’m not). He can’t accept that I’m leaving him and he calls me a narcissist. I’m looking forward to my new found freedom in life!!!
I spent 14 years married to a Narcissist. Before we married, we had extensive conversations about our childhoods. His childhood wasn't terrible. I'm assuming it was his temperament. My dad died at a young age when I was 8 years old. My mother turned away from my sister and I. We felt totally abandoned. I did NOT go on to become a narcissist. We can have terrible childhoods. But when we become an adult, we have to take responsibility for our behaviors. I tried my best to help him during our marriage. When I realized it wasn't going to help, and possibly he would take me down with him, I made him leave. I'm free! He totally destroyed my trust, and financially destroyed me. I'm happy being alone now. I'm 64, chances are I will be alone from now on. But I now have some peace in my life.
It makes me sad to read that, but I'm also glad to hear you have some amount of peace. Bless you, stranger.
If you were near we'd meet for coffee weekly. I'm of the same mindset as you. Soft hugs
24 years…barely made it out alive. Congrats. Truly. .
@@gailremp8389 Wow, fourteen was all I could stand. But he was also an alcoholic. Alive is the thing. Some don't. Now we can make our lives what we want to. Good luck!
Congratulations Miss Pamela. You deserve peace. ❤
They need to teach healthy parenting as an elective in highschool. This was great. Thank you.
Julie Smith, hope you are not with a narcissist cause you are too pretty!
Um...?
Psychology period!!!!!!...the whole 4
@@lioydwilliams1850 gross
teachers who show unconditional love/appreciation, might be the only example some kids have growing up
My ex narcissist husband was the youngest spoiled rotten brat in the family that catered to his every whim. He grew up getting anything he wanted and that never stopped when he was an adult.
You didn’t notice this before you married him?
This describes my own upbringing. I am self-involved and need attention to get anything at all done, it feels like. I am working on it now. My ex is the narc that experienced massive childhood trauma.
Same here,spoilt rotten.
same here. my ex narc husband is the GOLDEN CHILD in the family and he gets away with literally everything. He is the only one who doesn't have to lift a finger while everyone else in the family has to rush out and about and handle matters ourselves. He just oh well in his own world :) if he is inconvenienced by the SLIGHTEST thing, he will be the worst person you will ever deal with.
9:30 - gold. 14:40 - "The validation-seeking of narcissists is, in part, very much, a by-product of getting only conditional love." - gold.
Yes! This makes so much sense.
Narcissists “don’t do disappointment”. They will have “adult tantrums”. You nailed that.
Histrionic fits is more like it.
@@angaeltartarrose6484 My mother used to go completely berzerk. I was the main target of her violence. She wouldn't just put a three year old to shame, with her behavior, she would put that child at risk of death.
They hate the word NO ! They didn't get that kind of discipline and responsibility for themselves as children. They also didn't learn how to entertain themselves and never developed creativity as young children - they were always indulged and catered to instead so they never had the opportunity to develop those skills.. If they are raised that the world revolves around them - THAT is the beginning of teaching them to become a Narcissist. They will grow up thinking that the world owes them for just existing with no effort on their part.
Read my longer post above.
@Gemma Dann You are so right! I was unprepared, having never before been saying anything about her behavior. My "no more" unleashed an evil genius scary monster, that i had no idea was lurking within my oldest girlfriend.
@@sarahstrong7174 I am so sorry you suffered so!
Abusing others is a choice, not a justification for the abuse the abuser experienced. Troubled pasts is not a justification to abuse others. You can have pity for them, but at a distance for the sake of your sanity and protection because they will not hesitate to use your pity against you in malevolent ways
It’s so difficult for me to wrap my head around this. It seems completely natural to me that if someone is lashing out because of their past damages, it’s pretty much my job to care for them (which of course is like standing in front of a moving train). I feel like I’m SUPPOSED to excuse them for acting the way they do...gotta retrain my thinking somehow...
Like we have heard many times... hurt people hurt people! Sad but true!❤️
Well said! ❤️
Yes. Exactly.
@@higgaroc I completely understand. You feel like you’re obligated to excuse them and help them. I’ve realized for me why I’m like that. It’s because my mother was that way. Bent over backwards, took the abuse and mistreatment and toxicity and continued to still do for them. Then there’s the religion I was born and raised in that added to the mindset and conditioning. So in my adult years the abuse got worse and my excuses and justification for them increased while I was dying inside. So much so, look where it got me.. 12yrs dated/married to a narc. Not everyone has that outcome but it’s crucial to dig deep to find out where it came from, why we’re like this and do the work needed to better ourselves. The most important thing is to remove the denial and see the facts for what it is. Once that’s done, the hard work follows.
My parents were like this! I went through ALL of this! My sister is the only one who turned into a narcissist. My brother and I ended up ok. Mind you... a few years ago he took his life. Now it's just me and the narcissist! She called me and said "we only have each other now!" I said "where have you been all my life, huh?" Was that bad of me? She was the biggest reason I moved away from that sleepy town! To this day she blames me for moving away! No one else does.
My little sister turned out a narc as well, and also blamed me for moving away....you were not wrong in saying that!
My child’s father’s own childhood story really breaks my heart. His mom had him at 15 years old and he was piled in with all the other kids & never really knew which one was his mother. It led to a lot of personal problems. BUT the pain of being involved with him was so excruciating and the hurt & destruction he inflicted without any sense of how wrong that was was way too scary to overlook. So now, from a distance, we love him & feel for him & understand him but we stay away from him, too. The whole thing was too disturbing.
“Childhood is the time when a child must learn disappointment in a safe loving space.” Ma’am I’m going to get that framed 💜
That really stood out to me too! 👏
I agree. But just wanted to know what does that look like?
For. Example, you came home w a bad grade?
I would ask my child did they do their best? If they said yes, then I would tell them that was more than enough. Give them a hug. And explain to them that mommy and daddy sometimes struggle too when trying new things. But the key is to keep trying, and you will get better and better each time. Using phrases like, "Would you like for mommy to help you with this? It can be hard to do things alone when you need help. We can do this together" 💙 Crazy part is I'm not even a parent. Lol But I have the patience and empathy for it one day.
Childhood is the foundation of adulthood. If the childhood is rampant with neglect, abuse, instability you have a house built on sand.
Yes! I watched my mother turn my sister's into narsicists. I got none of that, and am healthy, even though I also didn't re eive love or even kindness. So, I allowed my daughter to deal with a very nasty tea her who was being very emotionally abusive. I had my daughter re-write a report 5 times, but on the fifth , I watched through the corner of a window. I saw the teacher through the report straight into the garbage can.
At that point I walked into the room with a box, and we cleaned out my daughter's
desk. We stopped by the office, turned in her books, and left.
That was me letting my daughter go through a difficulty that she did her best to fix, and the fifth grade teacher with a PHD, who insisted that the children call her
"Dr. OBRIAN" not even bothering to read the report.
Her issue with my daughter's report, which was on an area that we knew well, was that Dr. O'Brian had never heard of the SIERRA Buttes, and kept insisting that it was the Sutter Buttes, therefore. she was giving my daughter F's on her reports. Each report became more specific. As to the location of the Sierra Buttes (about 50 miles due North of Lake Tahoe.)
Dr. O'Brian only knew of the Sutter Buttes, which are in the Sacramento Valley. therefore refused to believe that there was any other mountain mountainous area called "Buttes".
I homeschooled my daughter for the next. 3 years
NOTHING justifies abusing others. you are NOT helping the narc by enduring their abuse, you are NOT making them better, you are merely ENABLING them
yep, and enabling them makes them worse because they keep getting their narc supply, which continues them down their narcissistic path
Agreed. Understanding how narcissists are made is helpful so that parents can learn to make better parenting decisions so we hopefully break the cycle, but you're right that nothing justifies abusing others. If you had a crappy childhood and poor parents and you turned out to be a toxic person, I am sorry for what you had to endure, but YOU need to take responsibility for your actions and change your behavior.
I agree. I was abused every way imaginable and I'm not like that. My ex was a malignant narc and her life was much better growing up. We choose to be mean, hateful and abusive. No excuses.
IMO - some religions inadvertently or in some cases deliberately encourage people to accept narcissistic behavior.
@@kunkunaku very true, but this psycologists dont think by themselves, theyre just debiting whats accepted on their psicologie comunity, they re just robots repeating something they ve heard
yeaaaa im 26, and i still feel guilty after sharing more 'uncomfortable' feelings to the person who caused them, and then feel compelled to apologize to sed person for making them feel bad about how i feel.
As a child, I was set up and laughed at for every little mistake I made while golden child brother, who also made mistakes, had his mistakes swept under the rug. He grew up to be a total narcissistic tyrant a d all his flying monkeys stare up at him glassy eyed. I used to blame myself for being mistake-prone…but one day I started to teach myself about narcissism and realized mistakes are normal, my brother’s total lack of empathy is not normal.
Long before I realized that my husband was a narcissist, I thought that he was a "difficult" man. Since I knew some bad things about his childhood, I excused him all the time. Just as Dr Ramani says, I thought that it wasn´t his fault. I felt sorry for him. Then I read a book where the author wrote "You can not blame your bad childhood for everything. At some age you must take responsability for your own behaviour instead of blaming people in your childhood". Now, everytime I make up excuses for my ex-husband, I think of Hitler. A poor little boy with a mean father. His father used to beat him regurlarly. Can I pity the little boy? Yes. Do I think his bad childhood gave him the right to kill millions of people when he became a grown man? Of course not!
Great analogy
Thank you. When mine would try to blame other people for his reasons being that I now understood I don't side with him. There are plenty people who have dealt with worst and they would never be so evil. It's excuses at this point. Once I speak facts he wants to end the conversation.
Hitler was Rothschild's son and its way deeper than him getting abused by his "fake father"
Hitler was a choir boy compared to a large swath of people in the world. He only killed your body.
@@Abr022575 You need to brush up on your history.
The more I understand narcissistic behavior, the less personally I'm able to take the way I was abused and the more I'm able to heal myself. So thank you.
Good luck, Francy ❤️
me too.
Same as me. Thank you
Ditto 💖
🎯
Thank you Doctor,Ramani. I've been married to a narcissist for almost 50yrs. I'm not going anywhere, but now I know what's going on. Have taken your advice, realize that they are incapable of empathy or real love, so I don't expect much to begin with, rately disappointed.
I keep freaking myself out with the thought that I will raise a narcissistic person from my little one. Good thing I am not a narcissist, but I make mistakes, I can't always regulate myself, I might be inconsistent sometimes, I don't know if I "overdo" loving him etc. And I am a single parent, so it's 100% my responsibility. Fingers cross he will turn out a wonderful person with good mental health 🤞
ive learned the best way to help narcissists is to sometimes walk away. they need to learn that people have boundaries.
Absolutely Grey Turtle
“The Golden child becomes narcissistic and the scapegoat becomes the anxious child!!! Exactly!!
Golden child? I think Narcissist are born from parents who don't know how to show love themselves. A child learns what is needed to get attention good or bad. Sadly, my husband including himself has 3 brothers..He is oldest and a low self esteem Narcissist..His mother and her mother suck at affection and pooh pooh dreams..All 3 brothers are messed up..Oldest and youngest both think highly of themselves middle is shy, can't talk to womem and now has a farm fell for a Narcissist womem so he just prefers to be on his own. My husband was alwzys told you can't do that and lack of love from mommy...His dad is a male pig. I've watched mu husband try to impress them his entire life and they don't seem impressed, even though he has achieved way more then his parents ever could. The entire family is screwed up..Me nieve when I met him. Saw family and realized my husband needed someone to say Yes you can do that..I did and as he achived his ego grew.
exactly, as the younger brother I am the scapegoat, big bro is the golden child and now a narcissist, dont want it.
@@sandyhenry3238 I've got two in my family. Both were "the golden child" in their families - one child is the "the golden child" of a narcissist father. In the case of the second, part of what you said is true - the mom, victim of dad's narcissism (and her mother's) - did not love herself. She was conatantly beaten down by both of them and knew no other life. However, since Dad himself was a narcissist, he learned his overinflated sense of self and sense of entitlement at the hands of his father, hands down. He was raised BY one to BE one.
Lmao my sister is a narcicist
She thinks she is always righteous
That’s not always true. I was the golden child and my brother was the scapegoat but now he lives with our parents still at nearly 30 and is the narcissist while I’m being treated for anxiety
It is so hard to accept that they cannot change. It took me 50 odd years.
Trust what she says. I was in a relationship with one for ten years. While he's gotten much nicer and his tantrums aren't as severe, the result is the same and it's a dead end with abuse. Run, don't walk.
Hi, how did he get nicer? Or was it just his love bombing period?
He would preface all the time, "the last thing I want to do is hurt you, " and would discuss thing more rationally for a while, but then would still snap, still gaslight, and then ghost. Same pattern only nicer. He was so mean and would say horrible things in the beginning, but maybe I'm tougher now. Who knows. It's almost like entertainment to watch his stupid antics and lies now. We're not speaking but deep in your soul you know he'll pop up again.
@@julesneville3113 Thanks for sharing your story. I'm still with my abuser and I'm trying to talk to as many people as I can to help me process the trauma I'm going through. I'm also in therapy. It's a tough time for me. One moment I want to leave and then the next I'm clinging on to hope.
I know so well what you mean. We're not speaking currently but I also know deep down I can't be fully safe as long as we're in the same house because eventually, I know time will come he'll lash out again.
@frairie may be look into your own childhood for accepting mental abuse from a narc. Hope you get through this and find a safe person and safe place for yourself. :)
At age 64, with an aging narcissistic mother with dementia, I am learning once again that I didn't cause it, and I can't fix it. But I can protect myself and my children from abuse.
I am 62. Dad was the only normal one, but has been gone 10 years. Mom is 86, and the other two siblings are both narcs and have managed to tell enough lies to her about me that she removed me as POA of her trust and put the two of them in charge. She has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's/dementia, but is apparently coherent and of sound mind enough to change her trust. I still haven't been able to have a phone conversation with her without speaker being on and sister listening in. Our lawyer said that is elder abuse, pure and simple. It's affected my health and my emotions tremendously. My husband has been able to converse with her on the phone with my mental case sister shooting off her mouth in the meantime (lives 3 hours away). He was second in charge after me on mom's POA, as both parents knew my husband and myself are trustworthy and can actually handle finances. My dad would be rolling over in his grave if he could see what has taken place.
@@lisaann6866 what a hard situation! My mother, similarly, took back control of her finances and filed a restraining order against me and my husband alleging theft when her dementia was in its early stages. My father was still alive then and was enabling her. The combination of narcissism and dementia is absolute poison! So sorry your siblings are afflicted too:(
@@jaimesanders5715 I am so sorry you've had to go through it as well. It's so damaging and painful in so many ways, especially knowing you are the "normal" one, while the others are just plain evil.
My mom declined with dementia for at least 10 years. For the most part, it was actually an improvement. She finally croaked about 4 years ago. I couldn't shed a tear if I tried. She was mean to me and cruel to my wife and kids for decades. At family gatherings she never failed to disappoint and have something mean to say. At her funeral I could only think, "Ding Dong! The witch is dead." I hope I didn't think it out loud. I had always thought she was bipolar, but after finding Dr. Ramani and Lisa Romano, I finally understand why she acted the way she did, and why my siblings, her enabling Flying Monkeys, are they way they are. Can't change them, went no contact long before I heard that term or knew what a narcissist is.
@@jaimesanders5715 I'm not trying to add pain to your situation or in this instance add some understanding and legal weight. Why oh why is your mother allowed to do this seeing she has Alzheimers (Dementia). I understand so how you would feel in this situation for my mother had Dementia before she passed in 2014. I realize you don't want to take it to court, but the time
come when you have to protect yourself. You said she is probably coherent and sound of mind enough to change her trust, but the fact of her diagnosis has to play some weight in court, especially as time goes on, and her condition progresses! This is sad to complicate, but necessarily all too possibly important for you in a court case. I'm mentioning this only in case this becomes necessary for you. Please know I'm thinking and praying for you and your family.
When you are tempted to stay with a narcissist because you feel you understand how they became that way and you feel sorry ask yourself this "Do I want a partner or a patient?" because I can tell you now you WON'T have a partner.
That’s the sad truth!
you sleep with your enemy.
That’s a brilliant way to put it. “Do I want a partner or a patient?” That’s probably a good thing to ask if a relationship has any unhealthy dynamic to it.
You nailed it! Do you want a partner or a patient? I think I'll frame that and hang it on the wall.
Thank you for this statement.
As a Self Reflective Narcissist, my cousin and friends say you don’t act like a Narcissist. That is because 1. I have to mentally stop myself from acting like my Karen Mom would in certain situations 2. Therapy has helped a lot and 3. I don’t manipulate them (but they know I do keep things from them because of some insecurities). My mother is a conditional love manipulative Karen so I still am easily jumpy and anxious as an adult. I want to be liked by others since I know whatever I do will never be enough for her. My family asked me if she will ever change, I said not until she is self reflective and wants to change like I have tried to. Thank you so much for this video ❤.
This video should be daily played in every train station, airport, doctor/dentist/.. waiting room. Even at schools!
Having a difficult or abusive childhood is no excuse for abuse. The person who perpetuates the abuse is more malevolent than the original offender, since they know first-hand the devastation that abuse causes a child. I have compassion for victims of abuse but NO sympathy for a narcissist with a sob story who CHOOSES to harm another.
I don't think it's entirely a choice.
I agree with you.
They do know what they are doing to you, they just don't care.
When the narcissist goes to jail for whatever they have done their behaviour changes as they know they are in danger in prison. they become all good, so they can control themselves when it is in their interest to do so but not when it comes to you. They are horrible things by choice. When they can bully they bully. I don't have any pity for them either. I just pity their victims.
@@brianwilson5426 I agree with you Brian. It is a choice because they completely change their demeanor when they are in situations where they know they won't get away with poor behavior: when supervisors are visiting at work, when they are in social settings, when they are on a first date, etc. In fact, narcissists are notorious for being "two-faced", which makes things much more difficult for their victims. No one will believe the victim because outside of the circle in which the narcissist chooses to abuse others (in the home, certain employees they view as "beneath" them at work, etc.), the narcissist can actually be quite charming and fun to be around. It's not like they can't help themselves.
@@Acetyl53 exactly. They cant change because they cant even tell themselves what they do wrong. It's an evil cycle.
I wouldn’t say they were more malevolent
This woman is brilliant, not just because of her wisdom and learned knowledge on these topics, but also her ability to explain and describe it all in a way that is easy to listen to and understand. Great stuff
ditto!
Yep.
🎯
My sentiments exactly!
Agree!
My Father and Sister are narcissists. So I know the routine. Recently I befriended a younger man who was troubled. After a year, I realised that this mid 30's man, was on a whole different level of narcissism from my previous experience. I think that in this generation, the manifestation is far more serious. Everyone is becoming more focused on themselves, and how right they always are. Society is breaking down.
14:06 the moment she says "a parent saying: 'I LOVE YOU' ... done" brought tears to my eyes... So simple, and so powerful ♥
Parents who never correct their children. The child is always right, the parents give in to the child’s tantrums. They grow up with a sense of entitlement. Cannot take rejection or criticism.
That’s exactly how my neighbor grew up to be a narcissist. Her mother spoiled her, coddled her, and basically handled all of the difficultly of life for her. She was an only child and did not have a father (her father bailed when she was a baby or maybe even before she was born). Her mother did not teach her how to handle life so when her mother, who was her major source of supply, passed away, my neighbor fell apart. She went on permanent disability due to severe depression. It’s kind of sad, actually.
That's how my dad grew up with NPD.
My brother would match that description. He was over spoiled by my dad.
Or, parents who constantly belittle their children....
That wasn’t my mother’s experience - in fact, the opposite. She was orphaned young and her stepparents were abusive.
I know some terrible things must have happened to my mother to make her narcissistic. I do feel very bad for that, but I refuse to let that be a reason to subject myself to abuse. I can’t save her. I can only save myself in this situation.
Amen! My Cousin is a Grade A Narcissist. The Reason why he is the way he is has to do with the fact that his Parents never taught him morals, values or Lifeskill Lessons. His Parents gave him so much or Friends and even myself (guilty as charged). He was so charming and manipulative, he knew how to butter you up and play on your feelings and then he gets what he wants (A Loan). Yet when he has to pay back, he hems, haws, gets defensive and wails "You shouldn't have lent me the money if you couldn't afford to lose it, and I'm sick and tired of you bothering me about it, I told you how hard a time I'm having right now, so why bother me!"
Same here.
You are very smart! To me, it shows that you acknowledge how people act and that a lot of what they know (or don't know) is not their fault, but it is not your responsibility to "teach" them or "take care" of them either. You are your own person.
same situation ...
you didnt break her so its not your job to fix her!
I grew up with a narcissistic father which has been worse as he gets older. I have been realizing that I have some of those traits. I didn’t realize when I was growing up that he was a narcissist. I am working on changing.
Wow! So proud of you for being strong and courageous enough to do this! You are one in a million!! ❤🎉😅😊
Same
I can relate.
After 50 years of negative habits, it's hard to break. Just becomes the norm.
Dr.Ramini,
I just want to say that you are my super hero! I’m not kidding when I say this. I started to watch your videos during a break up with the biggest narcissist on the planet. Everything you say about narcissists is my life. He recently left me and at first I was devastated and tried to get him to stay and now that he’s gone there has been a huge weight lifted. I do have days that are horrible bc he gas lights me and makes me feel small but when I feel small I listen to you and I feel 100% better, so thank you for being so well educated in narcissism and sharing it with the world. You are my savior and I know good things will come to you if they already haven’t. Love you so much and keep doing what you’re doing, you really don’t know what an impact you have on people, you’re so special and I’m great full for you 🥰😘
I can totally relate...after almost twelve years, (thank God it wasn't longer) the weight has been lifted off me too! Stay blessed!
The problem is society's overall view on abuse. Unless there's physical harm from the parent(s), very little is done to emotionally abused children.
In the same sense that there are far worse things in life than death...I agree.
'very little is done' what do you mean by that, gaslighting and other disastrous behaviors have very negative effects that people internalize for years
Exactly. Society doesn't even do a very good job of protecting kids from physical abuse; I know from my own experience; sometimes you get victimized even worse by cops & social workers. I think if a group of us actually petitioned children's services & family courts to begin protecting kids from emotional & psychological abuse, they'd laugh in our faces. America had groups to protect animals from abuse before we ever even considered started an agency to protect children from their violent parents because we believed they had the right to discipline their kids how they wanted.
@@southbug27 Great answer
I agree totally from experience first hand. I still fighting and been seven years since divorce. Narc. got custody of children. Didn't was refused visitation for 3 years. Now they don't want anything to do with me.
Listen everyday... I'm on day 11 of leaving the abuse! So far... Still breathing... Working on my happy!
Congratulations Tammy! A very very brave thing to do. Good luck and hope you find MUCH happiness! xx
Congrats! Each day will get better & better! Keep watching Dr. R she helped me stay strong when I questioned myself- should I go back or keep moving forward! I now know that the ONLY answer is to move forward!
@@ruthherring5684 Well, I don't know about that beings that he was the one who discarded me for another woman. A new source of supply who hadn't seen the mask fall off yet like I have... Too attractive to let go of... Certainly more attractive that our 18 years history I guess...
Ughhhh... It hurts. Bad. And my moods are all over the place just like my perception of this disaster! Sometimes I'm depressed, others I'm relatively positive... And then others I'm just plain confused. And it changes moment to moment. It's exhausting ALWAYS - Which is my only constant right now. Just sucks all the way around. And I think the hardest thing to accept about this is knowing I will probably never get any justice or validation from him about this whole thing! He blames me ENTIRELY for the unraveling of our relationship, and played the victim in the end, turning everyone against me. Knowing he will more than likely never realize the reality of the situation, us what eats me up every night. But it's a process that I know will take time... For today? I give myself permission to be a bit of a basket case and will view my days as successes if I am still alive and breathing by the end of them.
Thank you for your encouragement! I need all the pep-talks, all the hope, and all the motivation people can offer these days, as my tank is bone dry with those things. 👍
@@technerdchic Hi Tammy, it just sounds utterly horrific for you at the moment. No wonder you are constantly exhausted! But what you are saying sounds so wise, recognising it will take time and allowing yourself to be “a bit of a basket case” - but I bet you feel anything but wise at the moment . Does it help trying to focus on just a really short period of time - like the next hour or getting through the next five minutes? It’s what had helped me when I have been finding life really difficult. Mind you, things may be too “all over the place “ for you atm.
Thinking of you often. xx
@@ruthherring5684 thank you ️❤
I have come to realize that someone had probably messed with my mother when she was young. Now that she is dead, I have forgiven her, but I am still, at 77 years old, suffering from her verbal abuse,even after years of psychiatric counseling. I will probably take this to my grave. 😢❤ Y'all take care. ❤
So sorry...Take Care!
Where there's life, there's hope. Don't give up. All the best to you going forward.
To my personal shame, it took decades to realise what the problem was with my father. My nerves were in tatters before I took action ..
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! You've been a key player in my journey through healing.
Same here. Also, Discoveringthenarcissistfather :)
She's the best
Me as well. I love this woman.
Ditto! 😁
Amen! 🙏
I'll never forget looking into my narc's eyes while they were blowing up at me and seeing a scared, broken child. Still not an excuse to act that way, but it gave me a sense of pity rather than anger.
I fully agree with this. Pity is not a reason to stay with someone though.
@@ladybaabaa3294 oh heck no! Boundaries are definitely in place now.
Absolutely true. I have felt a whole lot of pity for my narc
@@leahtamar8000 same pitch
You are so right! I told my mother that she is a narcissistic because she's been telling that she is tired of been miserable. I told her to look into the reason why she's a narcissistic but I have learned that narcissistic have a hard time taking on full responsibility and justifying all of their actions. It's a never ending loop because if they truly wanted to get better they would at least try but they can't even get past taking on responsibility of their own life's.
I was born into narcissistic family structure. I had a mental breakdown in 2017 and saw how it was so. I noticed the traits I had and tried breaking the cycle. My mother in law was one. I feel eventually the only way to survive is by mirroring their behavior yet even that seems narcissistic but at this point going no contact Means mentally going back in time and breaking the bond. They hold you to an obligation based on titles. Guilt, shame and constantly making you believe you need to keep fixing yourself. I'm 45 and just now realizing what I need to do to be at peace.
Maybe you can help me.
I got divorced to a narcissist and I have share custody of our kids( boys 12/10 yo), who have been consistently used to hurt me. I’m really afraid about how my kids can be affect by him. That’s why I’m here, to learn how to help my boys.
Any advice ?
@@Lilyflygirl they will realize it later. I know that doesn't help right now but I imagine you don't do what the narc does and smear your ex. It's extremely hard to do. Being the bigger person in front of your children is the best thing you can do. I highly recommend counseling to provide yourself an outlet. I look back now and wish I had. I was losing my mind from the crazy making and my children saw it. They're now adults and since I didn't return the smearing, it just appears as though I had a mental breakdown on my own. It affected them, it shows but I know they'll eventually come around. I protected them from the truth because I was more afraid of how it would affect them and as a result it protected my ex's image. They will figure it out. At 10/12 they aren't thinking about that stuff. Your ex is trying to shape their perception. This generally backfires because it generates anxiety in the child. They will resent your ex for feeling like they are in the middle. I hope that helps
I can appreciate your comment. I too, did the same. I didn't have a breakdown but it was more like a breakthrough. I saw bad habits I adopted from my parents. It wasn't till I was in my 40's I started to change into the man I was born to be ( after making changes ) but I had to put my old self to rest first.
I still have relationship issues but seeking help to understand how/why I react to abandonment/ past break-up issues. I didnt see the damage I suffered over the years until every relationship would fail because of me. I thought it was normal to break-up and blame the other person. Now I'm forced to take accountability for the part I play in all this, because I'm the main character in a movie that I'm the hero and the villian.
I never got spoiled, I have a lot of traumas experiences. Thank you Dr Ramani, blessings and peace to everyone.✨🙏✨
Was raised by a narcissistic father & emotionnally unavailable mother. Am a survivor of abuse & trauma. Am so grateful I had a good therapist. Was over 50 before I was able to be in a space where I could say am glad I am here and I love myself. Thank you. Knowledge is Power!
Me too!
My story as well. I wish that I had knowledge about this decades ago.
This is so enlightening.. Very dominant father and my mother died when I was two.. My father remarried a woman 20 years his junior. This woman just didn't have the bandwidth to handle a Dominant man and a n immediate family..
yes!
That is my childhood story too. My father was abusive and an addict and alcoholic, my mother was an alcoholic and suffered from mental illness. Mom was badly abused by my dad.
I used to see my friends’ parents paying for school grades. $20 per A, $10 per B etc. I asked my parents about it and they said “we don’t pay for good grades, we love you no matter what, your best is all we ask and you’re on your honor so we know you’ll do your best.” They were showing unconditional love. ❤
You don’t realise it but your comment about your loving parents and happy childhood will only serve to make some people on here who weren’t so lucky, feel worse.
I could only dream of that, childhood was a competition for love
Poor families are honest about "Sorry sweetie, we just can't afford it". And even my mother, on welfare in the 1980's, managed to find $5 or $10 at report-card time to reward me for good grades. Pretty sure your parents were shuffling you off with a song-n-dance routine there ;-)
@@jennifercampion7095 Your entitlement is showing.
The internet is already a place people treat each other like sh*t and you seriously make a post just to bitch someone out about posting happy stuff? Wow. Just wow. The nerve of you!!
If the mere fact of seeing someone else post a happy comment or memory makes you sad, you have got a serious mental defect and you should seek professional assistance for your problems.
@@jennifercampion7095 Yes, and in some cases it gives people hope. Whenever I hear about people with good childhoods I'm happy, because it means that someone didn't have to go through the same struggles as I did.
I’m curious/ interested about which brain neurons are affected by a person who develops Narcissism. The lesson I learned from this is that if I am consistently exposed to the trauma or negativity. Consequently, the negative environment will impact my neurotransmitters, which will impact the way I think. Next this will cause struggle, anxiety, and stress.
I agree no one has the right to mistreat anyone.
Finger pointing is over. I can choose to remove myself from my situation. This may be a process, yet the sooner I choose to get of the “ Narcissism bus “
my mental state can start the healing process.
Not all narcissist are vocal when they are manipulating others. I've seen parents try to control a situation by withholding information or putting doubt in their kid's head to get what they want without actually being direct about what they really want or are upset about. That way they can't be blamed for the decision the kid makes if something goes wrong. That kind of manipulation to me feels worse.
I am autistic, and believe my mother was a narcissist. Interestingly, I believe the autism somewhat protected me as I did not have quite the same need for human and emotional interaction as other children.
I have recently discovered my autism and have been married to a narcissist for 28 years. I don’t have a lot of earning potential and don’t know how to get out. I can’t go to my parents because my mom is also a narcissist. Where does one turn? Feeling hopeless
Praying for you
Same, but it would have been nice to not feel like I couldn’t trust my own mother with anything or like she was my enemy
@@CJbrieflittlecandle I do not have autism but my therapist says I'm a highly sensitive person. I'm in a very similar boat as you. I've been with my narc for 21 yrs, I have no money of my own, no college degree, no great job prospects (ones I could fully support myself with), and nowhere to go/no support (narc parents or friends). Some of us just can't up and leave, as much as we wish we could, and there just aren't enough resources to help. Sending you a hug and hoping one day we can both be free.
@@jmcoffeecat7 Yes I know I really need to get out but I’m so afraid of how it’s all going to go down and that I might end up back at my parents house after all these years. But most of the time I’m afraid and anxious here too so I think that may be preferable. My son is getting married in June and moving out and my daughter is leaving for grad school sometime this summer. I don’t think I can stay alone with him in this house after that. But I’m trying not to think about it right now. Thank you for your kind response. You are definitely in my prayers!🙏
I got hit with a belt from my dad and a wooden spoon from my mom, they even fought a lot, and I spent majority of my life with my dad coming in and out of my life due to his work being in a different country, I also kept traveling from country to country, trying to rebuild my circle of friends, but guess what, after all that, I still didn't become a narcissist. I am thankful to be an empath.
Good choice empathy rock! ❤️😜
Self proclaimed empaths are often narcissistic (their supply for their False self is more along the line of pity for their plight and praise for their "altruism"). Not saying that this is what you are, just pointing out that sometimes the cloth of humility can be hiding a grandiose heart.
@@Babka113 Did you get hurt by one of these types?
@@Babka113 True. If they bragging about their humility, then they're probably narcissists!
@@Babka113 you guys are right but in this case I can't really prove to you I am or am not lol, I'll tell you one thing for sure, I didn't take no narcissistic injury from your comment 😂 hope everyone stays safe!
I am 64 years old and definitely somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum. Watching this RUclips video brings up so much for me. Its sad to know there really is nothing that can fix me. I don't want to be this way. Fortunately for everyone else I stay home and away from other people most of the time. I know what I am and I know I am almost always going to react the way that I do no matter how much thought I put into things beforehand. I can't tell you how many times I have heard in my life, "Whoa, where did that come from?" And those were the nice responses. I have known for a long, long time, that the problem is inside of me, 25+ years in fact. I didn't know it was called narcissism though.
God can! I truly believe HE is the only cure. I pray that you receive this message in love and consider it. I pray you find HIM
Since you do feel something is worth changing in yourself, one thing you CAN do is work with a trauma therapist to re-contact your past traumas while feeling totally safe and protected in session - regression/EMDR/"crying sessions", that sort of thing (definitely NOT something to ask the people in your ordinary life to do, and not an excuse to demand indulgence from others more generally). Here's the idea behind that: there's a good argument to be made that chasing after narcissistic supply (those superficial ego-stoking "fixes"), like all fix-chasing, is a response to something in the world reminding you of a past emotionally overwhelming experience that created an "intolerable" in you because you never got the chance to sit with and regulate the emotions. See a reminder of an intolerable, and you're silently hijacked with being "not okay" to the point that something, anything, is needed immediately to push any hint of that painful emotion away. If you learn to touch and hold that painful memory and the associated emotions in an authentic, safe, and grounded way,, starting in the company of a skilled guide and then gradually on your own, you don't have to chase after a fix like narcissistic supply, or booze, or sex, or shopping. Narcissistic supply (whether through validation OR antagonism - makes one feel extra important either way) can be a lot like substances for an addict - again, a thing that gets impulsively reached for to push away a reminder of past pain - shame, disappointment/grief/loss, guilt, terror, etc. When people fix chase, we can't see past the end of our own noses - we simply don't have the mental bandwidth to be mindful of what's going on in us, holding it, AND at the same time see what the necessary skillful and compassionate response is for an interpersonal situation and perform that response. Acquiring those skills of mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and a "climate control" version of "emotional regulation" are pretty neatly dealt with in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy. After a bit of trauma work to start out, that could be added into the mix with a specialist in that. Its a LONG road, and you'd get a lot of things wrong in the first couple years, but it's never too late to diminish your suffering and the suffering of the people around you even by 1% before you die. Despair isn't anyone's friend. Good luck!
I think that recognizing the narcissistic tendencies in yourself is the first step to healing!! I don't believe many realize it in themselves, so in my opinion, you are on the right track to change.
@@hfp3717 I appreciate the great thought and effort that went into this reply. If this was 25 years ago I definitely would give serious consideration to trying to therapeutically undo all that I am. As it stands now, I do not have the funds to do this. I am not constantly in despair. I used to be always depressed but have been taking something for over 20 years now that works somewhat to regulate my moods.
@@Duckiemomma1205 Thank you. This video has served to put a name to something I have pretty well known and admitted about myself for the past 25 years or more.
My parents took the opportunity to, many times, claim every success or accomplishment as their own. I was performing in a play during high school and at the end she stood up and pointed at me shouting, “That’s my son.” The “that’s my son” was her way of saying, “I’m responsible for everything that you just saw.
I felt like I was constantly comforting my mother.
That's very unfair from your side by the way. If your mother is happy for you and feels proud of your performance, she deserves the applause for raising you that way
My wife's father would make her cry as a child and then he would yell at her and make her go to her room to cry. My wife would watch a sad movie with her mom and my wife would cry and her mom would say "What's wrong with you, it's just a movie"! One of the things I love most about my wife is the fact she is sensitive and has a big heart. She moved out when she was 17, need I say more.
My mother did the same to me. I also moved out young. I left at 16
❤️❤️
Been there too! I moved out when I was 17. Lived with a girlfriend and some older friends in an apartment for a while. It was like I was already on the college schedule in high school. I am so thankful for that opportunity. I worked several jobs outside of high school to support myself and still graduated on time with my class in high school. It was not a free pass to do whatever I pleased. It wasn’t easy but nothing in this life worth while is. At the loss of her parental control I was hoovered/manipulated into coming back home. Luckily by that time the clock was almost out to 18. In my parents house 🏡 and I was there with just my mom, I did my time. I focused on development of my work ethic to escape gaslighting.
I wish i had left earlier. I was naive and unaware. Too many ppl didn't see the toxicity and encouraged me to stay. Still, i finally was able to leave at 23.
I wish I had been able to attract a partner that would appreciate my deeply sensitive personality. It has taken me 51 years to truly see this. Thank you for valuing your wife as she is.❤️
This strengthens my resolve to break generational narcissism and raise my children with healthy emotional foundations. Thank you so much for this.
It's a battle I have lived, you can do it. When the dark times come, be good to YOU, because you need to take care of YOU. Reason: you are the only person that can provide a healthier path for yourself and your children. I failed to do so at first, and it cost my children and me until I got a handle on this important point. Get help, you go to therapy; often we need clarity from educated support - well meaning family and/or friends just can't understand or handle the situations you'll face. My sons are grown, living fulfilling lives now - it's definitely worth it!
I am just breaking free from the shackles of my Violet ex wife whom has always been volatile and aggressive for the duration of our 16 year relationship. I’m caught up as to whether her symptoms are BPD or narcissistic traits, the more I listen to Dr Ramani I think it’s narcissistic traits. Dr Ramani is my new best friend. I am free of absolute guilt. Empathy and sympathy has now turned to pity. I wish her no harm, but I also pity her future partner, as she behaves in a manner that suggests she is not willing to address the core issues. How liberating it is to break free from the trap. Lots of support, love and understanding for all those whom have left or are still trapped.
@@acecerberus8230 Thank you for this! It's a trait I definitely want to change
I try to but always mess me up.
@@jacobsmith1366 I’ve met exactly the kind of woman you’re describing. I’m glad I got away in just a couple months…
I see PRIDE & SELFISHNESS! They are NEVER wrong nor have EVER been even as a child. No discipline is or ever was justified; they NEVER deserved it.
Very interesting. I hope listeners understand that explaining why people are the way they are does NOT mean we have to put up with it or excuse it. Great advice for parents here, too. Our society desperately needs greater emotional intelligence. I'm grateful to Dr. Ramani for working on helping us understand our emotional life better.
As a teacher of young children and the ugly reality behind no touch policies, I had a little teddy bear called Lovey Dovey Bear that I would give to upset children to hug and cuddle. I would give the bear and time to a child to self-regulate their emotions. In my classroom I made room for negative emotions. I did not allow shaming of tears or fears by saying in our classroom it is a safe place for all emotions. Generally I had happy busy safe classrooms. Community Circles where we shared thoughts ,feelings and life experiences with rights to participate or pass, active listening and no cross talk were also key to the social emotional health of our classroom. Teachers can make a life changing difference for children and teens.
What incredible teacher you are!!! Things are not getting any better on our days, we need more teacher like you!🙌🙏😘
❤️
Yes some children raise themselves, not everyone who isnt intrested in " going witu the flow ", is a narcassist. If one watched belived this reality, children ( innocents ), are to blame for being treated poorly by adults. Thats works, forvDrs who ,ant never endoming pqtienced lines. This iscommon sense. Not Science.
Yes. A change for good or ill! I have experienced both. A narcissistic teacher can make a child feel suicidal.
God Bless Your Beautiful Teacher Heart! Are you able to share this with others and get programs into schools? Many of our children desperately need this love and support. ❤
I am someone who has been dealing with my own narcissistic personality traits (the tantrums, the rage from the shame and insecurity, with the emotional abuse as a result), and I too really wants to stress the fact, that no one else, no matter how well you understand the narcissistic persons background, can fix their childhood trauma.
The only person who can take the role of the parent and teach them how to self sooth, is the narcissistic person themself. The only way out of being an abusive asshole is to take responsibility - and you can not do that on another person's behalf!
So leave the narcissists alone, do NOT wait around, let them ruin their own lives and show them that the tantrums will not work - perhaps they will then turn their lives around and pick themselves up. You can't help them do it.
Edit: I just want to point out, that I am talking about my own traits here, not a diagnosis. I just wanted that to be clear.
And thanks for all the kind words - though it feels a bit funny given the subject. I am still a flawed person and honesty is the least I can do.
Thank you for speaking up, I imagine it was difficult. I think I was developing narcissistic traits because of my family, it took leaving home and finding friends completely seperate to that life to show me that a) my childhood was fucked and b) my personality is problematic and needs to change but I am loved and in a safe place to seek healing. I have since come so far and can barely recognize my past self. I don't know if thats helpful to read, but thank you for sharing and I hope your healing journey is hopeful 💙
I pray that you find your own inner peace... and don't be too hard on yourself...
Thanks for telling about that. I just found out that I am narcissistic and all the people around me are trying to "show" me this for years lol... I will do all I can to get better and not make everyone's life so miserable anymore 😢 Well, I know they just want to help and that they know how broken I am so I'm very thankful
@@kittyblack1538 that's very helpful to read, I'm going through that too ❤️
You will get through this...I will be praying for you... stay strong...
I really appreciated this Dr R.
Years ago I probably would have been sure I could
‘save him’ but since then I’ve learnt long and hard that there is NO WAY that I can ‘get through’ to my narcissistic husband. Over the years I’ve gotten good at managing him - and am here for a top up to keep myself “soul-distancing” and “grey-rocking” (as you suggest) with what you have called “grace and dignity”.
Your advice certainly is immensely helpful re this challenging, unfortunate predicament that I choose to continue to negotiate for the sake of family and business dealings.
Thank you Dr R 🙏💕
This video is gold! As a lot of your content is! I cannot thank you enough Dr Ramani! You are helping me deal with a very difficult situation. Yet again!
I'm a failed narcissist. I'm most probably a covert borderline with codependent compulsions. Luckily recovery is teaching me to balance my emotions and be helpful to others while looking after myself.
Omg wtf!!!! This sounds like me too! Are there any sources linked to this specific situation? I would love to delve more and recover like you.
You have quite a name!
@@jodyyy8752 Chessy, I think you will succeed, you have spirit!
I wish you were near WV DR RAMI. I am exactly as you describe here. Your videos are very helpful .
Dr Rami I am a failed Narcissist. I think. Any suggestions on who I should see in WV on this topic. Thank you for your videos . I feel you describe me pretty well although I am a very successful professional I have issues w my emotions. THank you. Any suggestions. I’m in WV
Growing up in a narcissistic family and being the scape goat , I'm deadly afraid of becoming a narcissistic myself .I want to unlearn all the "survival" instincts I unconsciously learnt .I'm not sure how..
I never want to put someone through the things I went through.
Study and do tons of self reflection! I'm sure that will do the trick, the truth shall set you free
Just the facts that (1) you are conscious of and understand what happened, (2) you do NOT want to continue any learned behavior you may have absorbed, (3) you do NOT want to treat others the way you were treated, all goes to show that with your sincerity you can learn to recognize when you might be either falling into the problem behavior and you have the potential to shift your experience so you don't repeat any of it. I highly recommend finding someone you trust who is trained in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) - NLP is all about results, not about dwelling on all the reasons why. Good luck, and congratulations.
Seek help. The best you can afford. Be a narcissist, atleast for me is terrible.
Me too, its like carrying a sack of crap around 24 hrs a day, every day for years 😢😢 xxx
@@KatieDarden thankyou 💗💗💗 xxx
I really love the way you explain things. My daughter is married to a text book grandiose narracciist. He is 50 and she is 30. My daughter is a beautiful person who see the best in everyone but as smart as she is does not see thru this man. She believed he has become a better person when in reality he's just became a better actor. They own a ranch and I think she's starting to see a little bit because she has a 2 yr old and 9 week old baby. He has nothing to do with the newborn and only gives attention to the 2 yr old because she adores him and he goes out of his way to give her everything she wants. While my daughter is a wonderful parent and sets boundaries and is the only disaplinary he goes right behind her and destroys it by letting her have her way and making my daughter the bad guy. I don't know how many times she's cried to me about how bad it hurts when she is the one that is with the children the majority of the time but as soon as he walks in she doesn't like her mom. I am very close to my daughter and grandkids and the only reason he accepts that and me is because I have a purpose. Either cleaning or babysitting so he can make my daughter do more chores on the ranch. He is so entitled grandiose or whatever the words are... Nobody can hardly stand to be around him. If there's a family function he will fake a phone call and be as load as possible throwing out bullshit numbers to try and make people think he's a big shot. Everyone sees right thru it. I could go on and on....I just don't see why my beautiful intelligent daughter doesn't. Oh ill add one more piece to the puzzle...my daughter has always loved animals. She has a calling with them..she has learned to doctor all the horses cows goats etc....she has always been very aware of any health issues and makes sure they are not suffering but because she just had a baby she has not been able to do as much and the animals have suffered. They are only dollar signs to him. An example...we live in Wyo calving season is usually end of April or May. Until she begged and pleated to him he was calving at the beginning of March! Do you know how cruel that is? First of all if you are not patrolling 24/7 they are dead before they hit the ground (our job because he's to good to actually work) and if they do survive some of them lose their ears to frost bite or end up with Pneumonia and die anyways.
Sorry sorry I can't seem to stop myself when I start talking about this. I really need to find some sort of Help to get me through some of my Issues. Watching this happen with my daughter
Hopefully she will come to her senses and just keep praying!❤
Oh no, can she leave him and take her kids?
Until your daughter comes to the realisation that she is married to a narcissist and he will beat her down emotionally she won't leave him. Just continue to stay in her life, as she and the children will increasingly need you.
Dr. Ramani is on of my favorite Psychologists onRUclips. Her depth of knowledge is well communicated to viewers . Perhaps next time she will explain how a Covert Narcissist differs from an Overt Narcissist. In my lifetime I've encountered several Narcissists. And yes, there does seem to be those who are less narcissistic. Right now, I'm going to search Dr. Ramani's videos to see if any of them address BPD. I recently, realized that one of my much older sisters developed BPD. She was a bully to me all my life. I could not figure out who she was until after her death in 2023. I loved everyone in my parental family, yet, it's common to not being loved in return. Life for many is not friendly.
My mom's response to "mommy I'm sad/sick/in pain" was usually "what do you want me to do about it??" said with anger and irritation. So she wouldn't make my feelings about herself, but basically disowned any responsibility to parent me in those moments. As an adult, I never go to her with my problems or difficulties because it always ends in humiliation.
Some women have absolutely no clue how to be a mother. They get themselves knocked up and see that poor innocent child as a burden!!! How sick!!!
Why ru winning to your mother about being sad all time... she can't do much... pain yes. And if it's same pain or period pain.. pills r what they give. She Probably sucks at mother too. Maybe she was better with boys. Maybe u will never know
My mother was witch to me but great to boys... boy crazy... she should licked and sucked my brothers dry... women so obsessed about boys. But I never went to her saying I'm hurt, I'm sad I'm in pain. She not my friend.. go to friends
Getting the same cold response weighs on you and shuts down communication
That was my dad. He grew up in multiple fosters homes. I feel hurt and pity for him. He still continually hurts me with neglect but I love him so much.
It's annoying the way people tend to sometimes feel more for the narcissist than for the non-narcissist who had just as much hardship as the narcissist. I guess part of it is that the narcissist wants to draw pity from others, whereas healthy people have been able to deal with their own issues and don't want to burden others with negative feelings.
Damn,you are so good! Thank you for supporting us survivors!
Two years late seeing this but I was ABSOLUTELY MEANT to come across this !!
Absolutely incredible this is . Explains someone who I know to a T and it’s the anger, violence & tantrums that i should not have to put up with .
THANK YOU FOR THIS
This woman is so helpful to us I'd go as far to say she's as delightful as Christmas in human form! We're lucky to have access to these free resources daily!
We deffo are lucky xxx
DR. Ramani is really amazing highly intelligent reflective woman . And we cant not 100%believe in what she says, when it's so overwhelmingly so humanely compelling
Same view point as mine 😉
Yes we’re definitely blessed. ♥️
She is a blessing to me.
As a Peds nurse & Foster Care nurse, I took parenting classes to be foster parent certified. Many of those in my classes were educated parents but clueless about appropriate discipline & bonding for children. This must be taught in Highschool & the lower levels of college... As a standard.
You think developmental care when they are still a Baby can help prevent it?
And in elementary school. My son said this to me once. We never learn about ourselves in school, and I’ll spend more time with myself than anyone else in the world. I should know who I am. Knowing who you are helps you understand others . Knowing how you learn, knowing how others learn, and supporting each other. Some schools are good at this but not all.Most are just work, crime and punishment situations. In my experience anyway.
You must have a Licence to drive a car,
You must have training to get mostly any kind job,
Parents? What kind of license or training are they asked for?
Becoming a parent is just so easy, and NO ONE, not One Law regulates a mandatory training at school, college, or anywhere.
@@gracerawson2393 perspective's are often distorted by the ways they were raised. Unfortunately. Communication is a deficit in American homes now days. Parents in the last 50yrs too tired to spend the time it takes. This seems to be highly because of the cost of living rise with the salaries staying the same. I think these things are at the core. Privileged non- struggling people will never understand how real these issues are. Perspectives must be changed to get change.
Now I understand my mother's bizarre habit of, when out to dinner with a group, turning to me and asking questions about my move to NYC (far away from my hometown). She never talks to me about it any other time, just when others are around. It always made me feel very embarrassed and uneasy. Now I see that she was trying to earn points and impress others through my experience of moving to the exciting big apple. So ridiculous but there is no other explanation.
Dr Ramani again your words are just brilliant. I'm so grateful for you.❤
The narcissicism I have seen shows itself also in ALWAYS being able to turn self into the victim in any situation.
Can’t imagine how people traversed through life looking for answers without the ease of videos like this from doctors like you. Much appreciation!
In many cases they didn't. They were left flailing in the dark with only the explanations of the abuser. Especially without the Internet.
Sadly, in many areas talking about abuse in a lay context you find a lot of authoritarian concern trolls siding with the abuser. Flying monkeys, really. Mind you, this type of flying monkey usually shows up when the person being abused is a child, because such concern trolls believe their authoritarian abuse techniques equal "good" parenting while non-authoritarian and/or non-abusive techniques equal "bad" parenting. And I think in some cases it can be kind of a "bonus" if non-authoritarian abuse (i.e. neglect) is used - that's the kind of thing that can be used to rope people into siding with the authoritarian.
@@lsmmoore1 Authoritarian abuse or most likely an overt narcissist is usually the one people side with, yes. But the covert narcissist is equally abusive. It does take time to educate ones self but it’s a win win because by doing so one learns much about themselves in the process.
Thank you for your insight.
@@jillcummings8810 Abuse is authoritarian by nature. Authoritarianism isn't just dictatorship, it also manifests in a "my way or the highway" attitude. Even in covert narcissists. Because "my way or the highway" is inherent to abuse, because abuse is meanness/violence enacted to control another.
@@lsmmoore1 that makes sense. Just a means to an end. Both are authoritarian and need control. Just go about getting it in a different manner.
Well, back in the day people used to talk to real people around them. A lot. More than today's folks can imagine.
This was so helpful. It is important to be aware of this. Thank you❤
Both of my parents are narcissists. I'm the eldest child, my younger sister - the middle child - is the golden child, probably from having to work so hard to get attention and being discovered at a young age to have an absolutely incredible and unusual voice, which my parents tried to make her famous for. My youngest sister is similar to me in being very empathic and someone who learned to put others before herself. Whereas my middle sister I am starting to suspect might also be a covert narcissist like my mother. She's certainly very manipulative, and I've seen her show disregard for her husband's feelings in how she treats him although both of them always laugh it off like it's a joke, but I still don't think it's ok - things like her and my mother making fun of his visual disabilities and finding that hillarious, and also pushing him around. It's subtle, and he always jokes about it himself, but I don't see her validating him, and that punching-down-as-a-joke-never-acknowledging-it's-wrong-expecting-the-other-person-to-get-over-it thing is so like my parents' bigotry.
It reminds me of a very weird situation where she would always steal fries from my plate as kids knowing it stressed me out. One time we went out to a restaurant as a family and my youngest sister offered her her fries because she couldn't finish them. My middle sister declined. Five minutes later, before the waiter had even arrived to collect her plate she tried to steal one of my fries and I pointed out that she literally only liked stealing fries off my plate even though she was offered a whole plate she didn't want. So she picked up the other plate of fries and dumped them onto my plate and started eating them. It was funny, or we treated it as funny and I laughed about it at the time, but thinking back I wonder if stealing fries off my plate specifically knowing it distressed me was just her pushing boundaries intentionally, and I guess dumping fries on my plate, while funny, was still a way of getting to do what she wanted and be needlessly annoying even though she had her own plate and my sister's plate she could eat off of and NOT cause me stress.
It also reminds me of this weird situation at my 21st where she made a long speech about what a bad and manipulative sister she'd been when we had our sibling rivalry as kids but how we were now friends and at the time I felt bad for her and also thought this was weird and uncomfortable because it wasn't really a speech about me and didn't follow the speech-about-person-whose-21st-it-is pattern and felt like very uncomfortable oversharing with our massive group of friends and parents and needless self-denigration, but thinking about it it's not that different from my mother's "I'm such an awful mother who ruined your life" guilt tripping when called out and thinking about it she was always super competitive about ensuring her friends didn't become my friends too, which I never really understood. But my parents did try to pit us against each other.
Maybe she's not a narcissist, more like an enabler of my parents, or maybe she is and is just really good at feigning empathy sometimes, like my mom (who I always say is like Lila from Miraculous Ladybug) but she's definitely manipulative and was always known for getting her own way somehow or other. I'm not quite sure how to categorise that.
My malignant narcissist mother was always jealous of me. I graduated from high school and it's her birthday, so she deserves more attention. I graduated from college and she fights with me at dinner. I go to prom and she's nowhere to be found because she jealous that she never went to prom.
This jealous and toxic antagonistic accusative mother is very familiar to me
Sounds like children having children!
Are you sure we don’t share the same mother? 🥱. My mother threw a fit when she found out I was even attending college. She told me if I go she’ll never feel the same about me. Well I went anyway. 💁🏻♀️
@@AnitaD28. My mother have never congratulated me, and when telling her about education, she went silent and telling me I couldn't do it, I wasn't gonna succeed. After moved away to another country years ago she still tells me that I better come home, or it might not go me well in another country, and how bad it is she's heard on tv, and that my narc brothers are worried, and do I not sit all alone suffering? How she feels sorry for me. And that any plans I have I better think twice, because that I probably might not be able to.
@@helenemohlin4261 - keep being you whether they like it or not. Stay strong! 🌺 you’re doing well.
"Being broke is part of the journey, staying broke is a choice."
I like that, you said a month full. 😁
Lamb of God - Broken Hands
Amen to that.
That is so true. Many people have had hard childhoods, myself included, but you need to make a choice about how YOU are going to treat people. I chose NOT to be like them. I know the pain of being on the receiving end, and I don't want to cause that kind of pain to another human being. My conscience wouldn't allow it. Sometimes, I think of a bible verse that says "they have a seared conscience". The greek word "seared" means like after getting a cattle brand. The nerves go dead after putting the hot iron on that spot. So, it is a dead conscience. I wonder if that is what Narcs have, a dead conscience. It sure felt like it, when dealing with her.
I am grateful 🙏 that you are helping people without condition.
Dr. Ramani, I owe you a hug and apple pie. Thank you for helping me. God bless
To summarize, causes are:
* Traumatic past events
* Insecure attachment
* Difficult temperament leading to caretakers withdrawing and making the attachment issue worse.
* Plenty of practical resources but no emotional support.
* Modeling narcissist parents.
* Narcissist parents treating the child's emotions as a statement about their own emotions.
* Conditional love, especially parents who love the kids only when they win contests.
* Lack of opportunities to learn to deal with disappointment.
* Modeling of financial success resulting from entertaining people on social media. (This seems oddly specific.)
* Adults around the child enabling narcissism, either in the child or in other adults.
But not all people exposed to this treatment turn out narcissist. We don't have long term longitudinal studies about this, only case studies and retrospective research.
None of this provides a lever to change a narcissist who doesn't want it.
It is unclear what causes someone exposed to this stuff to become narcissist or have other problems. The golden child of a narcissist parent is more likely to become narcissist than the scapegoat.
Thank you
Sometimes the narcissism is genetic - even without that parent being present in their life. I only recently discovered this about someone close to me, but it explains so many things about her behavior while growing up. AND also about why she clings to victimhood and can't be alone for very long.
Thanks 😊
@@KatieDarden genes tell all
To summarize, it's a complex set of behaviors, and the children who do not become narcissists are those who are clever enough to figure it out. Children who are surrounded by 'flying monkeys' have even less of a chance to realize that this is 'abuse' and not love, care, and unconditional attention. This isn't just about how parents and children react, proxies are also a prime factor.
Realizing I have narcissistic tendencies, it’s the scariest and best thing that ever happened.
Sorry and thanks Sebrina❤️
Being aware will help you better yourself to who you want to be. Also we can smell it once we are aware lol and you learn to avoid those type of people. At least the main redflags.
Yeah it’s one of the most horrifying things for sure. But be kind to yourself and don’t shame yourself for it. Realization & awareness can help us stop and heal!
You are unlikely to be a proper 'narcissist' if you can admit your faults /tendencies.
We all have flaws but narcissistic people are usually too arrogant and entitled to admit they have any problems.
You might have learnt narc patterns from parent/guardian/role model when you were young, but if you also learned empathy young and can feel for other people then you can recognise and unlearn any harmful patterns and associations with time, and as others said: if you're here learning about it and can accept your faults and still value yourself and honestly work at being better, any narcissism is probably more minor.
@@johnlondonbimeetup7961 This is something I worry about. I can be very manipulative. Equally I feel undeserving of being treated well, so expect rejection. I have been a people pleaser and mother to people since I was small!
Bless you for continuing to teach about about narcissism.
This is the most informative video yet Dr R!
Thank you so so much.