The thing that bothers me is I literally don't know anyone who actually likes being rejected and abandoned. Some people are indifferent but most people I know want to feel they matter at least somewhat so everyone that's fearful of rejection and abandonment is narcissistic? Even children fear abandonment. Just seems like it's nuanced a bit and not so black and white.
@@KrisannaMarieWhen dealing with Narcs/Egoists something will always feel off about them/the situation/within you (feeling on edge/fight or flight/having to be careful wirh words or actions when responding). With regular people it is a momentary hurt feelings.
how to interface with a narc when you have to co’parent and are working to become financially independent (but aren’t). My only saving grace is he cares about his reputation and being seen as the good father-good guy. I have a generous covert narc. I hate feeling like I have to use it to my advantage, but it’s come down to self preservation for the kids and I. There is no lump sum payment and divorce unfortunately. Week to week reliance. No contact not possible and even as I try to gray rock by staying child centric- he lives across our land as he looks for apartment and has the kids 50%. It is much better when I give him a pay on the head (all he wants from anyone) then express anything that touches him empty self and in turn points all that vitriol towards me. So many of us, our situation can’t be cut and dry and we have to use to our advantage where they will show up, or where we remain useful unfortunately.
@@KrisannaMarieit's not that normal people don't feel rejection or abandonment. It's what someone does when they feel rejected or abandoned. Do you lash out in rage? Do you put down (devalue) the partner so that they feel less than human for leaving you? Do you mock them for leaving you? Do you talk sh!t about them to anyone who will listen? Or do you consciously think about the reasons why they said they are leaving and wonder if you could have been more compassionate to them, kinder, been less self-absorbed? Do you look honestly at your relationship and think maybe it's just a lack of connection that can happen to to good people? How often do you feel abandoned or rejected? Is it when they take too long at the store or hanging out with their friends & family? Is it when they have to go on a work trip and you have no reason to believe that they're cheating? Those are signs that one's fear of abandonment is irrational and may be coming from some childhood issue that could lead to narcissism. So it's not that everyone who feels rejected or abandoned is a narcissist. It's people who often feel rejected and abandoned and use those feelings as an excuse to lash out in a disregulated way.
Had ZERO idea I was being abused until I joined a weekly women's prayer group and began to share "my week". They carefully explained to me I was being emotionally abused on a regular basis. Thank God for those women. I have slowly rebuilt my personality after 10 years of abuse.
So true..I could never understand why my friends parents were so kind to me..even their father would acknowledge me. 30 years later...oh..your parents were so mean to you...Really? Thought it was normal. Chose marital partners who were abusive..seemed normal. Not any more.😁👍
I am happy you are healing and growing into you. I also wanted to say good for these women for taking the hard path of telling someone an uncomfortable truth and not just blowing it off or distancing themselves from something uncomfortable. That is commendable!
I didn't need any god, I woke up on my own when she pushed a little too far, then the light switched on and I saw everything. Filed for a divorce 2 weeks ago, partner hasn't said one word since as she knows she f*ck*d up and she'll be out the door soon. This meal ticket has expired. Joining a mens group for emotional abuse soon.
This is me. I had NO idea just how bad things actually have been with my husband of 15 years and have essentially been trapped as a military spouse that has given up everything to follow him around the country and care for our children. He's now retiring and my eyes are wide open and I'm planning my escape with my wonderful children at 38....soon 39. I didn't realize he was a narcissist until I've put ALLLLLLLL of the things together and watched video after video. It was there all along and as someone with deep empathy, leaving someone that has hurt me so deeply still hurts me...what a strange concept because all the hurt he has caused me has never hurt him.
@@jessehamilton4223True, but it also depends on what you do with the grudge; having it and maintaining it can keep you safe from them, as long as you don't make showing the grudge a new way of life; that's as bad as staying in the company of the narcissists; keep it as a safety mechanism but don't keep engaging with them to prove you have a grudge. It's for you, not for their benefit. Not sure if this makes sense, but I hope you know what I mean, and it's not a criticism at all. Happy New Year!❤
@@winterovthanatoz3748 I’m glad you said that. I question if I am narcissistic by some of these characters.. I really don’t think I am. But like that last thing about divorce, I want a divorce but I am really scared of it and I don’t want to be alone. My husband wants me to forget about his past indiscretions and become ignorant and naive to his manipulative behavior. I do have memory issues and he plays on that. But the impactful stuff I hold on to. His lies are crazy making and manifesting physical illnesses for me. It’s so much more than just being bitter. While I absolutely do have abandonment issues and rejection issues and I am starving for affection and I am holding onto grudges (for reference)… I don’t believe that I am narcissistic. I believe that I am in a toxic relationship and am not being my best self. When you roll around in the mud you will get dirty
Dr. Ramani saved my life.....I watched her everyday and cried myself to sleep. The fact that I can re-watch these videos with no tears and in my eyes, is a big win. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. I was in therapy for 15 years, and none of them were able to figure what I was telling them about my experiences...hang in there too long, but now I am so aware I could coach on narcissism.
Indeed. The only way to deal with a Narcissist is treat them like radioactive materials: controlled exposure, from afar if possible and decontamination protocols afterwards. ☢️
@@l.5832 what rotten people they are. They’re miserable in their own skin. I’m a narc magnet but no more. I married an Indian Muslim and after 10 years, he’s still as sweet and funny as before. There’s not a narc bone in his body. 🙏🏽
Living with a narcissist is like feeling exhausted from a long day, and you look forward to sitting on your couch but the whole time, you can't get comfortable because you're sitting on the edge of the cushion the whole time..
When you compliment someone else, when you don't come running when they call, when you are happy , content with less than they have and are not impressed or moved by their lifestyle or wealth, when you speak your mind, when you stand up for yourself .
Yes! My partner has much more money than me, and threatens to go off overseas regularly, sometimes with our daughter. I am working on not caring. My peace of mind is more important than money. He controls me financially and emotionally. In every way really! I now realise what is going on and I am working on myself.
Haha, same experience! Didn’t care that he got a nice car (was happy for him but not impressed by his lifestyle). When he realized that I wasn’t IMPRESSED, he proceeded to tell me how shitty my car was, how small my dreams are compared to his and that even though he drove my car a 1000 times in the past, that I wasn’t allowed to drive his NICE car 😂 Didn’t give a shit even then So the abuse went from things to how bad I look, how my hair is an embarrassment, how I dress more comfortable sometimes and he’s embarrassed cause other girls look better, how I don’t know how to drive properly, how he’s only dating me for my good HEART cause in reality he could do better (in terms of looks)
Dr. Ramani: After many months of struggle, I finally found a way to put this relationship into words: The presence of things that shouldn’t be there. And the absence of things that should be there.🙏
"To reject a narcissist, accept yourself." ... yeah, it sounds cheesy and maybe a little too easy, but this is something I've seen more and more clearly every single day for the past two weeks. It's true. The more I like myself, the more I don't like what's done to me (a cool person).
As a 44 year old man, I hate that I relate to this song, but it expressed very well what it is to leave that kind of relationship. Lose You to Love Me -Selena Gomez Best wishes on your journey
I've tolerated narcissistic abuse from a sibling since early childhood. After decades of family abuse, I simply avoided all contact until my sibling confronted me about what was expected of me. I chronicled the abuse and confronted my sibling about the facts of all the hardship that was brought upon the family....haven't heard anything in a long time. Don't be afraid to confront your abuser and get on with your life.
@lauracollins28 Laura I want to be able to do that too! The other day a friend wanted to place a beloning from her at my house. I said I did not want that, because I am away a lot and don't want the burden of having to return to my house when she needs it. She said she had nobody else and it would be a big problem for her. I feel so disappointed with myself, instead of sticking to being assertive, I gave in to her request, because I felt like a bad friend if I kept refusing and she would get more upset. Since then I noticed she further tried to claim me. She asked me to do something else and I said it was no option because I had a deadline and was sick, and she said, but you have evenings? A weekend? My no seems to always have to become a yes for her. I hate confrontation and I think she knows that very well. I am working on myself, I want to be able to say no and not make it a yes ever. I also try to be more direct by for example saying:so you are actually saying you don't care about... Etc? But I do also actively avoid people like this. Do you have any advice about how not to get guilt tripped and fall into the trap of being too nice?
I should have confronted my narc mom but expected me to fall into line like my older sister who gave her entire money. I would not - since I don't work outside the home to give it away to selfish parents. I stood my grounds and made it clear I would not work for nothing. I clean the house for no allowance and I sure as hell would not give her my entire money so she could sit on her ass all day. I would not. I had enough BS and left after 28 years old since I was paying for the mortgage which this house was mine and my older sister. My mother expected us to lie down and let her walk on us and I said, "no way." I am no body's fool but took care of myself as I did at age 9 and would not allowed anyone to manipulate me as if I were her slave. I managed to have a life of my own as I got older. Never would I live with selfish and self-entitled individuals that want to make slaves of their children. No way in hell!
I’m 26 & narcissist and I’m here to learn about myself. To try to reprogram myself. We are bad partners. But I’m finally being real with myself and realizing I have to get down to the root. I have to change for me. Someway somehow life made us this way at some point. Hurting people is not cool at all. To all my people suffering with this condition I pray you be real with yourself and let go of your partner and realize you’re in this for a long run.
@@jolesliewhitten6545 some might consider it arrested development...but i'm convinced it was the furthest they were ever meant to develop. like, there's not anything there past that to develop into.
Most truly narcissistic people won’t change because there’s no proper motivation. It’s so common that they won’t, that it’s often conflated with can’t - which, for the non-narcissistic person, is understandable; many people experience terrible abuse from narcissists and as a result can be wary of the idea a narcissist can change. While it is rare, narcissists CAN evolve, but only when properly motivated. You seem like you’re in that mindset. I for one am proud of you for recognizing your disorder, and for attempting to understand and expand yourself. I’m saying this as the adult child of a vulnerable narcissist who experienced the abuse that comes with that. You are valid, seen, and supported by this person. May you continue to grow and understand yourself, and may your recovery be as thorough as you need!
I had a moment of PTSD when you mentioned narcissists thinking they are the King. My narc husband actually screamed at my teenage son, "I am the ruler!" His ridiculous freak out was over control of the TV remote. His massive meltdown, and the fact that we could never watch our shows if he wanted to watch something else, caused me to purchase a second TV and turn our guest bedroom into a media room while he was away on a work trip. My narc husband wasn't too happy ... oh well! I'm taking baby steps to get me and my boys out from under his tyrannical control.
Dad does the same. I cried my eyes out today for something similar. I made a mistake and the worst thing was not asking him about throwing away something that me and mom deemed as trash (some broken car fridge and a box lol). I had to go scoop them out of the trash and bring them home again, because they are valuable, he paid for them and he is the ruler in that house. How dare I throw away something without asking him?
@@veronicab15what an ass! Hold onto yourself and who you are, you’ll be free of him at some stage. But at least you can see how wrong his behaviour is, so just hold onto that knowledge and hold onto your own heart and mind. Those are yours to keep and protect forever.
@annejohnson It can be done You will break free for yourself & your boys I watched my sons life be threatened by a grandiose malignant narcissist It spurnd me on to finally get to court for a safety order & court followed He had a list of ridiculous accusations written down for the judge He actually thought that telling the judge that I suffered with depression & that our son had a major exam coming up The same son whose life he had threatened I spoke up & reminded the Judge that was the same son he had threatened The judge instantly granted the safety order I laid out the papers on kitchen table He sent up our three adult kids to plead on his behalf I replied with same sentence "Not up for discussion "" Divorce followed You can do this too❤
@@daisy9910 I think they only understand it to a certain extent. Due to their narcissism they seem to be completely blind to other parts. It's possible the reason they don't care is because they don't understand. To truly understand and embody cause and effect you need to understand others and yourself. Narcissists don't. They only understand manipulation which limits their growth . So they get stuck in their self-centered way of thinking. Narcissist never grow they only stagnant. External or tangibly they may seem to be well of but internal they are mess. They only hide that due to their ability to get supply which makes them seem more powerful than they are but they're actually quite weak.
OMG, this is so spot on! Thank you. Boundaries! I rented a room in my condo to a narcissist. While I was away he bullied my other housemate (who’s an elderly guy who’s very nice) so much that he stayed in his room to avoid him (and missed so many meals he’s now in the hospital) and not only filled his rental room but the kitchen and living room with his stuff and now says I don’t live there anymore (in my own condo!) because he thinks he’s entitled to my entire home! He has zero empathy and projects and gaslights to a degree I have never seen in all my 70 years. I hired a lawyer to get rid of him and it’s taking months. My heart goes out to those who are related to or emotionally involved with these toxic individuals!
@@Zeepjeliefs I know! He’s long gone but it took three hearings to get a protection order (he kept saying he’d attend then each time at the last moment be a no-show which equaled huge lawyer fees for me, eventually over $10k) then when he was court ordered to finally remove all his stuff, lied to the moving company that everything was packed, which it was definitely not, then when the manager came on the phone and said they could still move everything if he paid additional for supplies and two more men, he became so verbally abusive she called her crew back to the office and only on the very last day before all his stuff became my responsibility to dispose of, did he get some guys to pack up and take his stuff, though I had to scrounge up tape, boxes, trash bags etc. and he still left a lot behind. Supposedly I can get him to pay my legal fees, but he hasn’t any money and I want nothing more to do with him; I just want to sell that condo as soon as I can and I will be OK with that. Ugh. I still feel awful for people related to these crazies. My family was pretty dysfunctional, but nothing that’s toxic narcissist level.
@@robertagregory7177 I'm so sorry that you had to encounter such a damaging person... The amount of stress you must have gone through and still have 😳 You are right in the end it's only money, your well-being is the most important. I get what you are saying, some people are dysfunctional but we can still have some understanding for them. But this behavior is so intensely egotistical definately and leaves a trail of destruction. I can imagine you want to get rid of this person as soon as possible I hope you are completely free from that person soon and get to sleep well again. Wishing you well!
My sister is overly nice to service workers. She is a big tipper, very patient, understanding with errors. She will patiently stand in line. She will wait her turn and will allow others to go ahead of her. She is viewed as a kind and caring person. On the flip side, if she is called out for not being correct, doesn’t get her way when it comes to helping others, isn’t able to take from others (mostly family and friends) to give to the needy she becomes the devil. She will name call, gaslight, berate, accuse and threaten. If you are a stranger my sister is a saint. If you are family or a close friend you are nearly a source for funding her goodness. It is a confusing and difficult position to be in.
Yes to the outside world the covert narcissists are so kind, that is the way they control the information flow and their access to them. Fully agree - as soon the get criticized or have to take accountability for their wrong doings, they turn into rage full persons. Also they only visit when they want something. They blackmail with gifts nobody wants against full access to service. Manipulating can be with nice words too.
Your sister seems to be typical covert, communal narcissist; as Dr. Ramani has described in those videos (in case the info helps dispel her confusing behavior).
My covert narc ex girlfriend was pissed that I got a disability pass at Universal because I'm autistic. The ironic part is that she got to use it too because she was with me without having to have the sensory issues that got me the pass. She made that vacation so stressful. 4 months no contact now! Thank you for all the videos. They've been so helpful
I tried setting a boundary with my Narc Mom. She left my house without a word and hasn't spoken to me since. All I did was say that we needed to make plans for dinner before inviting people over because I was trying to prevent a blow up from my Covert Narc cousin. My ENTIRE family has cut me off over this except my sister the golden child. Mother's triangulation game is fierce. It's absolutely absurd.
There is another thing. They hate being alone. Being alone forced them to put up with themselves ( which they can't). It forces them to look at themselves like they were in the mirror ( but this time, it was their true, inside self) So they will become miserable amd start to torture everyone else. Don't trust anyone who can't be alone. Psychopath, sociopath, narcissist and abusive toxic people can't be alone.
@natural3362,….Hi there,…..This one Paragraph just explained everything,……WOW ,….EyeOpening,…..Never heard this term like this before,…..‼️They HATE Being Alone‼️,….Being Alone Forces Them To Put Up With Themselves,…….Now I must Rethink,….some of my Past relationships,…..I’m in my 60’s now,….been married ,….crazy relationships,….‼️head spinning relationships,….. ‼️. We young ladies in our 60’s,….were never taught these things,……we were taught Men should control us,……and if they don’t they do not care,…….Now I’m happy retired,…divorced,….and Alone,……A Course on 💕 Being be on GUARD💕 should be mandatory for every young person,…..💯💯💯💯💯
@@sandradavis4101 aww May God bless you and May you be happy for the rest of your life. It's true. It's important for the young to learn before entering some garbages relationship
16:29 Boundaries are POWERFUL, not because narcs honor them, but because their unwillingness to do so highlights their lack of genuine concern for you and/or repels them in the first place. The truth is painful but freeing. And good boundaries are like catnip to healthy people. ❤
How do you set boundaries? Is that what “grey rocking” is? How do you set a boundary with someone who elevates themselves (their problems )above anything you’re going through. For ex. I was dealing w/my brother being transferred to hospice & days to live & my narc “friend” had the nerve to ask if they could call me later. This person perpetually dumps on me. I’m a magnet for this. It’s almost like they sniffed my empathetic gene 5 yrs ago & i’ve been unable to detach! Ps/this person calls me every time I’m dealing with a personal crisis & yes had the nerve to keep calling my phone at the hospice place. I’m exhausted!
I remember going to school in K-5th grade we'd have gatherings to be talked to by different speakers for things, and one speaker spoke about setting boundaries. She said even if family members do things you don't like, you're allowed to speak up about it. So when I finally did to an aunt, she just mocked me and did what she wanted. So did my father. My father would constantly scream at me "Do you want to grow up to be like your mother?!"... and now, I scream back in my head "NO! AND I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYTHING LIKE YOU EITHER, BECAUSE YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN HER!". I told him to stop f*cking touching me once, and he wouldn't get his hand off me (my shoulder, but I had just been abused at school, and had been previously abused at school and he and the school did nothing to keep me safe from sexual assault and sexual harassment). So I took a pencil and jabbed his hand with it. He finally learned that day to keep his mother flipping' hands to himself. And I STILL do NOT feel bad for stabbing his hand. I don't care what age your child is. If you are making the kid uncomfortable for no reason, get your god damned hand off them. And no, I don't condone violence. But step across my boundaries and see how quick exceptions are just fine.
Thank you for that clarification!!! I didn’t get that when Dr Ramani said that but that is absolute gold. Control your time/life/energy. Again, thank you!
Dominate + control and when you walk away, you're the bad guy and you get smeared all over the place. Sick, twisted, and I regret that it was ever apart of my life experience.
Good that you out Good that you alive I hope you well enough, and your health wasn't damaged I wish you good luck and more of awareness of yourself You've got some experience, it makes you wiser 💖
@@matikramer9648 Thank you for your kindness, I appreciate that. Yes, I'm grateful that I'm done with that and I don't plan on doing any of it again...sometimes the healing journey is frightening but it is worth it. Thanks again! 💕
Evil people .... l am also out ... What a twiste life l lived since year 2000 to 2020. l walked out. Sick people.. Whaooo lam single and happy with my child from the same marriage. he refused to stay with his mother
I have to say that it is really tough when you finally realize that the people you thought loved you have just been using you as an indentured servant. I know that I have to get away, as we have done before, but I feel so physically and mentally broken that it feels almost impossible. May we all find the strength to find something and/or someone better than being trapped in the narcissistic cage drowning in a half-full toilet of another's insecurity and rage! Thanks, Doctor Ramani!
Very intense. Sorry you are going through this...I've been there and almost died literally of various stress related ailments, digestive disorder, insomnia, hyper acidity in my joints and mental fatigue after decades of double guessing myself. I got away [miraculously with no job, tiny savings and three months on a couch]and never went back 3 years ago. Get away and find your power doing so. The hardest thing you'll ever do is leave. The rest is so much easier than what you've already survived. The joy of peace of mind is the greatest part of my life
Professional aspirations that I had prior to my marriage are what ultimately saved me and made it impossible to become totally broken. I suffered, yes, and had lots of regrets about my decisions but because I never really understood what had happened and was constantly happening to me (until now, thanks to Dr R) I clung HARD to my professional career. That was my rock in an island of despair
When I started setting boundaries, thats when I was accused of being the narc. I was still sensitive to her claims at the time so I even considered whether I was a narc. Meanwhile she never questioned if SHE was. To this day I am still trying to heal from this. She made me believe that accepting myself and setting boundaries is narcisistic. Has anyone else been accused of being a narc BY a narc?
I was afraid of it No, it doesn't make you narc Dr Ramani has clip on RUclips that she speaks about it - use it, also there are more channels, not only Dr R... I was afraid that because of my mom I myself turned to be one.... I'm exhausted, squeezed dry, but I'm myself Even in normal relationships we need to put boundaries, why not to try lacmus paper to find narcissists, if we start to suspect one By the way - very best of lucks and may you succeed!
Not to my face, but during a period where I wasn’t well and in crisis, my sister suddenly took that period to paint me as selfish , harmful, only wanting to hear what I want to hear, not caring about her kids- it was a shock and really absurd to an outsider of the whole picture, bc I was just free falling in my life. I still question myself tho, if I deserved some or any of it, it makes you pretty paranoid when it’s family, someone you’ve trusted always. There wasn’t anything I could do for the longest time. Nothing like that has ever happened to me, though just before it, I was starting to question how much time I spent putting up with certain behaviours from my mom and sister, just to be close to them. I set some boundaries, ie really, just insisted that I had some valid needs in whatever stupid fight. I don’t think that went over well. I wasn’t so much challenging them as myself, and what I was making of my life. Anyway, I don’t think she wants to look ‘bad’ so she avoids using very direct name calling to others in my family, - plus that would be easier for me to defend myself towards as It would give me a public declaration that I might be able to refute in ways the rest of my family might get. Instead she has picked among my struggles, triggers, and symptoms and talked about them out of context and as evidence of basically how I am a toxic person, that my unprecedented needs (I previously was independent to a fault) are a manipulation, that I have had this all coming. It’s really devastating and there is not much you can do, still here though ❤️
00:00 when you fail to make them feel special 10:51 being rejected 15:51 when you set boundaries 24:36 when they lose control of you 31:41 When you abandon them
I was told "I broke your boundaries because they were stopping us getting where I wanted us to be" - and just like that, I was done... thanks to you, Ramani, and other truth speakers and supporters of the victims of toxic relationships.
I was told: "sorry I talked to you in that way (treating me badly) but you didn't seem to UNDERSTAND!!" "Understand" meaning I simply dind't share the same view. And for that I was shouted at and told "I will never help you again with this!"
@@klimtscat347their emotions = objective reality Your emotions = wrong and bad and stupid make them go away I'm so sorry you have to deal with someone like this. I'm glad you see the sneaky way they add assumptions into the mix without saying it explicitly. It will help resist the gaslighting. Stay safe while you find a way out. That's the only winning move.
@@klimtscat347 I don't know why, but your comment reminded me of One thing I said I just can't cook. Now had he wanted me to be able to cook it, he could have given me the right amount of time ⏲️ to cook it. (No easy look it up on your phone back then). Instead he covertly made fun of me about it. He was such an ass.
wow, at least you got THAT much honesty out of your narcissist! moment of truth, be it rare, at least you know. mine never tells the truth, so i have to make the hard calls, which makes it 10X harder where theres no truth, self-accountability or closure.
@@mattlehnardt8035 to be fair, it was 4 years on, and his 6th or 7th hoover attempt...but the first fail because I told him not to push my boundaries and he blew his stack and spoke a wee bit loose! One thing about closure though, you'll never get it from the narcissist. They need to believe there's no end and that you'll go back one day. You can only get closure from yourself. I wish you luck now and in the future
They tell you are being controlling or disrespectful when you set a boundary. That feeling you get when the narcissist accuses you or rages - its a physical sensation like a heavy iron ball dropping at the pit of your stomach. Dr Ramani, it's amazing how much you understand.
My narc mom wanted me a fool to let her step all over me while she kept taking my money without keeping my own money which I earned to save for a car and to pay my bills. Nothing was enough for her and for that reason I finally moved out at age 28 after helping a self-entitled individual that refused to work but rather sit around and not cook or clean at all. I got tired of this since I took it upon myself to take care of my needs at age 9 and washed my clothes and save what little money 50 cents from school for milk and dessert. Saved a quarter each week to buy school supplies and later saved for cheap fabric to makeshift dresses to wear. Remember one who is determined makes it in life. No complaints just do whatever is necessary.
For my narcissistic mother, literally everything that anyone says or does that doesn't acknowledge her imagined superiority is perceived as some kind of intentional slight directed solely at her. It's like she's living a secret, private drama out in her head where she's the main character and others rotate around her. She spends a lot of time and energy deciding what others' actions "really mean." Everything the inferior characters do and say exists only in reference to her, because of course, everything is about her 24/7/365. Even when you include her or, God forbid, accept an invitation from her, no amount of consideration or gratitude is sufficient because the point is always her and only her, and you will never get it right. If you do something on your own or go to a social event to which she wasn't invited and doesn't even know the host, you did that to intentionally slight her, not because you're a human adult with a life that is distinct from hers.
Spot on! All of it. I’m finding so much shared experiences with you and others. Isn’t it amazing that what we thought was bizarre behavior actually is narcissism pure and simple? Marc mother behaves exactly the same way!
you just described my life. she is now actively undermining my relationship with my adult child and grandchild, it's the sickest thing i've ever seen...and i wouldnt wish this on anyone.
It’s the strangest thing but it feels as if he thinks that we are all wind up toys that come to life when he walks in. He never stops to notice that I’m in the middle of something just brings all his chaotic energy in and does his work load dump into my brain needing full attention and meanwhile dinner is burning or getting cold out I’m forgetting whatever I’m trying to accomplish. Not once has he walked in and asked hey are you busy? Do you have a moment to talk? That would give me an opportunity to say, I’m busy right now but you can have my full attention in fifteen minutes. This becomes overwhelming with my handicap which affects my brain and focus also. I think that’s why he doesn’t ask about my day or thoughts or anything. He is fully satisfied with a silent audience for his one man show. I’ve never felt so invisible in my entire life.
No, you don't want him to ask that. Mine does, I can't answer truthfully even though I have 8 children( 5 special needs). If you tell them you just need 15 mins you don't have time for them. Or you care about all others before them. Or you will be punished all night and can't sleep because of eggshells and you messed up by not being readily available. No,you don't want them to ask you how your day was or do you have a min.
The narcissist will rage, invalidate or discard you when they lose narcissistic control or if you set boundaries. I stopped believing my husband's lies about his infidelity and he has discarded me. Honestly, I am better educated about narcissism and I want out of this abusive marriage.
I'm listening to this with a HUGE smile on my face and cheering. Once I educated myself and realized who I was dealing with , what I was interacting with my ex husband moved on finding new supply. After rages by him, me always trying to explain or defend myself I realized it didn't matter. I always stood my ground and with a narcissist it never ends well it never goes anywhere. I was too much of a challenge for him..too confident in who I am and I never betrayed myself. It was rough living...there was lots of pain ..I became his target to destroy..but I never backed down. Now after 22 years I'm able to move to my own place . Due to my age, health and finances it took time but I never gave up. Believing in yourself and maintaining your truth on who you are in a narcissists eyes is like pouring water on a fire. I like to think of it like the scene from the Wizard of Oz when the water is thrown on the witch and she melts. That's how I see the narcissist once you stand in your truth and never back down or feed into their sick agenda. Peace ✌️
I can only speak for a child of a narcissistic family and what I’ve learned is every aspect of your life has been touched by narcissism. When you venture into therapy, it can be one of the most scary but liberating thing you can ever do. It’s scary because it’s the journey of putting yourself first and valuing yourself, and liberating because you begin to realise your potential. These can feel like grief because you lose the narcissistic element; you no longer need them which can feel strange but it’s the most liberating and wonderful rebirthing experience you can have if you stick with it. You are worth doing it for ❤
After a 4 year relationship with a narcissist I decided to set boundaries. He ended the relationship quickly and its the best thing I ever did. But now he wants me back because he has no one to manipulate, control and gaslight.
My covert mother can not engage in a conversation that doesn't involve snarky, cutting remarks about someone. She lives in a retirement home. Recently, she was focused on a woman she sees in the cafeteria who is very overweight and whose husband is very thin. She's had no interaction with this couple, doesn't know their names, but she went on and on about not understanding how someone could be so big, etc. I finally just asked her how the woman's weight affected her. Silence.🎉 I'm the scapegoat.
I ask my mother who does the same thing why it bothers her so much and she GOES OFF! Then instantly its "whats wrong with you, you always think you know everything, you're so perfect etc etc" I instantly become the punching bag because I am not engaging in her negativity.
"There is an inherent hypocrisy and delusion built into entitlement. When a narcissistic person's entitlement gets challenged, and they're not being seen as special, shame and inadequacy get activated and rage ALWAYS follows." and "They shouldn't be punished if they do bad things the way others should be if they do..." Truth spoken, Dr. Ramani. My s/o spoke to his mom about her unacceptable behavior. She's invaded our privacy, going through our things, stealing to her delight. It went on for months before he said anything. He was kind, calm, polite, and respectful. Her reaction: INSANE RAGE. She exploded. She slammed and threw things, screaming at him before leaving. She lives here. I watch her children put up with a lot of abuse under her matriarchal reign. She lies on social media and calls anyone who'll listen. This is a regular practice. Her adult children put up with it, since they know how she'll react. They excuse her. Afterall, she is 75. Her daughter financially supports her and needs help with her son. Their mom uses that to her advantage and threatens to move out. She keeps everyone in their place. Worst of all, she creates division, intentionally, when she lies to her children about her other children.
What a nightmare. What is sad is that when she passes, everyone will feel relieved and be left with horrible memories and trauma. Not how it should be. Sad. Sorry you are dealing with that.
My mom has done some horrible things but the ones that stand out are when she threw fits, got police involved, damaged property, assaulted, harassed, and threatened people on days like their birthdays or their wedding day when they didn’t do things the way she wanted.
Basically,walking around on eggshells around this lady. Sounds like my late mom, except I use to call her out on her "selective" and of course being the scapegoat,you get called every name in the book but a child of Yah.
My mother abused me in all ways. I always knew something was wrong and learned a few years ago she was a narcissist but people tried telling me she wasn’t. You became my first real life hero, you put concrete around what I knew. I am so grateful for what I’ve learned from you
Both my mom & older sister are horrible ppl & both are narcissists. However, I can see ppl around either one of them being charmed--atleast for awhile, refusing to see how bad the narcs are & some of those ppl actually try to win favor with difficult, narcissistic person, like they are a challenge where you may lose, but they feel like it's winning to get into that narc's best friend circle. Those are also ppl that deny their own real feelings--& they will pay for it in short order, too. Some narcs will only let others see what THEY want them to see.
@@andreah6379Yes, you're right. I think most, if not all, narcs are very charming people when it serves their purpose. They have to draw people in somehow, and I think that's how they manage to do it, with fake charm. Until they want to get something, take something, use someone, manipulate someone, because they need a supply of flying monkey's to do their dirty work or spying or whatever. Butif they're running low they may need some additional helpers/monkey's. It's all so disgusting and exhausting.
Make them feel special , prop them up , you’re responsible for how they feel - while at the same time they treat you like crap to regulate themselves and feel better Crazy making toxic codependency here !
My narcissistic mother loves to throw the 4th Commandment at me...honor your parent. Dad was great and to protect him, I didn't stand up to mom. Now that he has passed, I informed mom that only bad parents have to use the 4th commandment as a weapon to their kid, and abused kids don't have to follow that. Told her I was done with her. Felt great to finally say that!
What does the narcissistic person do when you try to set boundaries? My experience has been that they punish you by withdrawing their attention or simply discarding you for a while. Just remember that when a narcissist discards, they’ll circle back around at some point when other supply runs dry.
I started watching to understand the narcissistic traits, I’m learning now, why I accepted him into my life. I’m understanding and accepting myself, the peace after 13 years of crazy anxiety is priceless. Hugs everyone ❤
Thank you… I recently turned 60, in therapy, and I’m only now understanding my childhood trauma and its impact. I’ve lost so many years, nearly a lifetime, under his control. It’s a bit overwhelming to think about… In therapy about eight months now and you can guess how that’s affected my relationship with my father, a retired lieutenant commander with the sheriff’s department. “They like positions of power.” Yes. The information you share is so valuable… thank you very, very much. I’m understanding. 🦋
I have a few more months until I reach 60; I get this. Dad is the narcissist; I rarely talk with him, I have his number blocked on my phone; peace and quiet!
Yes, it can be tough! Left a marriage at 65, healing finally with therapy. We still have years left. Finally free and starting to feel good about myself. All the best for the future!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 “Blocked” Good for you although I can’t imagine those rare conversations are enjoyable given your father has been blocked. You’re nearing 60, since you’re here I’ll take some liberties and assume you’re still dealing with the aftermath, damage done. Should be a crime, eh… Should be. ‘Understanding’ is new for me… it helps to learn, to understand, to understand the ‘whys’ of my life while not blaming. Life isn’t fair, I know this. I don’t blame, (yet), but the regrets in my life are many. I caused a lot of emotional pain to others due to an inability to accept love… I’d always walk away knowing surely they’ll see the real me, the one my father saw. Folks divorced when I was three, sister and I were separated, you can guess who I was handed to. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I hope not, but I do feel deeply for that small child, (me), who lived in fear and was not wanted. Worse, ‘he’ was all too well aware of this fact and lived in fear every single day. My sister and half brother ‘got out’ early, decades ago, and both are doing well by looking at their social media, (this brings a smile.) I’m sincerely happy for them… “Peace and quiet.” 👈♥️ Good for you… very good.
@@dianed5193 “Left a marriage at 65” I’m sorry for your having to go through this… and that life in the marriage. But you got out, healing… Good for you and I hope you’re now enjoying this new life while healing. I wish you well…
I’m glad this came up as a suggestion. It took me a long time to realize how bad the behavior was in the relationship and HOW MUCH it really impacted my life. She’s so right. As soon as I finally took myself back, after a 2.5 year relationship - it was finally over. It was a very narcissistic last stunt my ex pulled that showed me the light! It took so long to leave the relationship and as soon as I finally took myself back, after slowly losing myself in life DURING the relationship. It’s freeing and I will stress this: *ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS* trust your gut and LISTEN to your friends and family.
This work is wonderful. I have a strong background in psychology for lay people. When I found myself in one of these relationships I thought like many others that I was at fault. I had spent hours and hours studying how to communicate without giving offense. These ties popped up & my eyes were opened. I thank you you with my whole heart. This is a priceless gift to me and so many others.
When you call them out or don't follow their "rules" they will either blow up or go away. My daughter went away, taking my new grandson with her. I just missed his 5th Christmas.
Baited, Gaslighted, De-valued, Dismissed Invalidated Rejection Abandonment They will turn siblings against you. I have been cut out for 1 year, just for knowing myself. HONEST EMPATH Yep, I set boundaries. Now I have NO FAMILY. Exactly what I lived with 70 years. My Dad and my Brother
Hello everyone and lovely Ramani! I've got to share this funny tip that I got from Sasha Sloane years ago. When the narcissist is baiting or criticising you, do some stretching or dancing. Love you all, my brothers and sisters🎆🌄🌱🌿🌳🕊
The only person setting boundaries in my family of origin was my narcissistic sister. “Don’t come into my room. You can’t borrow my clothes”. Meanwhile, she stole my makeup and borrowed my clothes. I was trained as an outcast.
One of my earliest memories was me just 3 years old, and my 6 year old sister saying "Don't play with my toys while I'm at school!" Me looking at the toys and having no idea of who 'owned' what. I didn't really know that concept yet but knew there would be hell to pay if I played with the wrong toys. My mother ignored me all day, so I ended up playing with whatever I wanted! 😆 Sister is a huge narc.....
Thank you so much, Dr.Ramani. I grew up with a narcissistic parent. After years of walking on eggshells, I realized I had to put walls or boundaries to protect myself. I lost them, but I am happier.😀👍
So grateful I woke up to this today. You are the FIRST person who has made direct contact with my experience for the past 10 - 20 years! Thank you 🙏🏽 Dr. Ramani! I will do my best to … be me and stop walking on the eggshells.
I think I got that Tripple black diamond status tonight Dr. Ramani!! You would be so proud of me! I started watching ur vids 4 years ago and began awakening. I left my husband 2 months later. Fast forward, got into ANOTHER narc relationship, looking for the red flags. 🚩 today, I set boundaries and he flipped out. I stood my ground, he did exactly what you just said, mocked me called me a narcissist, selfish, I only care about my feelings. I disagreed and said well if you think I’m alll those things I’m just going to call this relationship off. He changed my Netflix password and called me all the names 🤫BUT, I was good. I have grown so much on these last 4 years and love and value myself. I did the work. And I accept myself. You did this , you opened my eyes and in a sense gave me my life back. Thank you 🙏
Still waiting for my son to see the light, my daughter-in-law is so "special" and has always been treated this way. She has estranged our son and grandchildren because in her eyes we are not worthy as grandparents--------so very sad for them
My boundary-setting began at age 65. Life is better all the time. I am low contact with several family members. Yay for me......I don't care about what they think, what they want, etc.
That's what happened to me when I refused to give up my life & be my mother's servant, especially driving her around to the bars. It got really ugly. She started hitting & kicking my pets, so I made her move out. She told everyone what a horrible ungrateful brat I was for making my mother move out. I stuck to my guns & she stopped talking to me. That last 2 yrs of her life she didn't call me on my birthday. I didn't even know she went into the hospital, which is when a dr. found the cancer. It was fast moving & she died within 2 weeks. I still felt a little sad. It's a milestone when your parent dies. 👍👍
The thing that was most empowering for me was when narcissists couldn't get a reaction out of me, and that I was genuinely happy before they tried something and just as happy when their attempts at manipulation didn't work. I reached a point where they couldn't yank my chain. Getting to that point did not happen overnight. It was a long process, but definitely worth the exploration that allowed me to reach that point. When I regained the authenticity I had as a young child, it freed me. I do pay a price, but I have to be who I am, even if they kill me for it, but my friends are real friends, and what price can buy that?
YES, must reach a point where narc can NOT yank your chain. Not easy and takes awhile to master, but learning to remain ALOOF works best. Yawn. Shrug shoulders... do ya think it might rain? LOL it became a game, sometimes had to leave the room before emotions showed, but he finally gave up.
Wow, this was 100% my past bf. It took me 2 years to get over him. I was 50 at the time & thought Id finally met "the ( almost perfect) one. " He prided himself on his trickery later, after I was devalued.
My ex never allowed me to speak when we visit friends- his friends - he kept me away from my friends as they are all way more successful than him. Thank God I am out of that relationship!!
I was living this way, not letting him get to me by finding my own protected space, with work, friends, hobbies...BUT he managed to emotionally assault me out of the blue with insults out of nowhere when I least expected it. I'm in the process of divorce now. I cannot live with myself KNOWING I have settled for emotional abuse
Well Dr Ramani you just explained my life and the stage of rage,abandonment, taking a new career, smearing to family, strangers and whoever would listen. Found out I am one strong woman . Hugs y''all ❤
Recovering from narcissist abuse is a long and painful journey. I was made to feel like everything I said and did was wrong, I was the "dramatic one", the one who "thrives" on conflict. I made the mistake of telling him that my mental health was being impacted. He denied having any impact!
Excellent! Five years with an excellent therapist and Dr Ramani, and other work, I am self loving and narcissist free/repellent. Life is so beautiful now. In my 50's; never too late. Thank you Dr Ramani❤
I'm starting to love the videos when you make the narcissist sound like a terrible fool... its like ok, someone else understands.... the crazy selfish scenarios you expose... I love it... soooo satisying.... more more more! thank you Dr Ramani!!!!!!
btw I have this on loop... its running all day....over and over... as she has her episode today and as she screams she hopes I die driving tomorrow... but guess what? I'm at peace... why? because I have Dr Ramani.... bless you Dr Ramani!
@@semmaville To counter, I hope you have a delightful September trip tomorrow in sun and find lots of happy and enjoyable little stops along the way. Screw her.
Oh! It’s SO true about setting boundaries and then being accused of being controlling! Whenever I have to enforce a boundary with my mom, she IMMEDIATELY says, “don’t lecture me!” Of course, because it’s all about her and she literally cannot discern between me establishing or upholding a boundary, and me “lecturing“ her about something that’s ostensibly none of my business, (or like I am the one overstepping, not her) that’s the level of enmeshment she has tried to inflict on our “relationship.” You’ll notice too, that it’s also a typical ploy they use to what I call “turn the tables” on you and deflect whatever you say back at you as if they have just been wronged. Honestly, if they had put half the effort into positive work towards improving or developing real, healthy relationships as they do with all of their devious machinations, they might have been able to be truly happy.
With my narc mom it seems she hates everything that I do unless she approves of it or it's something she would do. But most times it's like I can't do anything good in her eyes. She'll tell me to dress appropriately and cover up then will get mad if I wear baggy old clothes or sweatshirts. But will get mad if I show any skin at all and tell me I'm slutty. She'll complain that I never go out with friends but when I do she tries to talk me into staying home cause she doesn't trust them or fears I'll be in danger. She raged at me for being dependent on her (even though she raised me to be) and said that I can't let her take care of me for forever, but when I started doing things for myself without anyone's help, she'll be in tears and say, "It's okay to have family help you. You're getting this independent woman thing from the Internet." She and my dad pushed me into the medical field. She never told me to choose a degree I loved or wanted and was quiet when I was confused in college. Then when I told her I regret my degree, she told me it was too late to get another degree. The other day she switched her tune and said, "I knew all along that wasn't for you. You could've gone back to school and gotten another 2 degrees by now " then when I told ger I plan on going back to school for a master's degree she changed her tune again and said, "That's fine if you want a degree but once you find a husband, you'll probably stay home and take care of the house (not that that's bad. I do want to be stay at home wife but with a side hustle or job). Then she does this thing where when we watch a movie, I'll ask her what movie she wants to see and every time she'll say, "You choose. Anything's good." So I stopped asking.Then she'll rage at me later and say, "You're so selfish and spoiled. You never let me pick the movie." I cant ever win. Are all narcissists so two-faced and twists everything?
This is exactly what I deal with! She still rages that I got my Master’s back in 2018 and she dropped out of school to look for a husband (my Dad). I wasn’t doing all that. I love love, however, I needed to be able to take care of myself.
@@karlabritfeld7104it took me to become a parent before I fully saw it and put my foot down. Once you know it's for life so keep the guard up or get away
My mother was one (also my sister and daughter) but strangely enough I knew she was wrong from a young age. I liked myself and couldn't understand why she critisised me so much. It made me sad though and looking back I realise I had been depressed all my life. Nearly 70 now and some advise I was given 20 years ago, through therapy, was that if I didn't like what was being said, to just walk away. I never realised I could. Crazy really, something so simple changed my life.
My mere existence irritated my former boss. She also did not care about others. On one day, regarding a patient who asked to see me as a specialty provider, she said "well, how sick can he really be if he can make it to the clinic for an appt?" She expected him to wait 6 months for a new referral. The patient had cancer and was in hospice. He lived 5 mins from the clinic, his daughter would bring him in his pjs in a wheelchair because the particular healthcare I provided helped him feel better and sleep better for a few days. She didn't give a damn
He tried but he couldn't break me. I'm just so happy that I found your page bc I was wrecking my brain trying to figure out what was up. And now I know the patterns and signs so I don't even engage with these ppl. And very true they eliminate themselves.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your skills and tools with the public here on youtube. You are saving me hundreds if not thousands of dollars on a local therapist. God bless you, Dr. Ramani!!!!!
Yes, yes, and more yes! You're spot on, Dr. Ramani! Thank you so much. I've rejected a narcissistic sibling and now love bombs me to no avail. She gaslighted me all my life. She hates being ignored! I no longer accept her house party invitations and she hates being ghosted! I feel secure, protected and safe from harm because the narcissist no longer has access to me. There is permanent no contact. I've since exited social media. I'm enjoying my empowerment to the fullest. Checkmate! : )
So true. Finding myself and fighting the shame after growing up in narcissistic family has been " taking a minute". Setting boundaries with narc mother just gave her ideas where to attack me first. No contact was the way for me and life is beautiful. I'm so thankful for these videos. So much knowledge and practical advice. Thank you so much Dr Ramani ❤️
Agreed. Mention a boundary to a narc and that is the first thing they will try to violate. I am starting a new job in a week after leaving a narcissistic workplace. I'm thinking of weeding out who are narcs by mentioning some decoy boundaries ("I really hate it when people ask me about how I spend my free time" "I prefer people to TEXT me and not EMAIL me" "I prefer people use my full name rather than the shortened version") None of these things I would give a fig about but the narcs will be quick to violate in order to get a rise out of me. They can identify themselves early.
Currently watching my ex Narcopath have a complete meltdown in our small town because I got enough and walked away. It’s been rough and sad but gives me validation I made right decision to get him out of my life.
Wow!!! I was taken to divorce court about 5 times over 35yr, then I said “That’s it I’m done, and if you don’t stop getting in the middle of our kids and me and turning them against me that’s it!” And I had had enough. I have a very good and loving relationship with my adult kids and it gets better all the time. Thanks for spending your time helping us. Blessings
You can get a system of coexistence when you set limits but this escalates when the situation changes ( income, work issues, extra money, children which require attention..)
There is no (co-existence); not in the long term. Your limits will become their battle grounds and they will NEVER leave you alone. Co existence is basically (another 5 years) of conflict until you leave for good.
@@thomaspan6514 that is true but the problem is it takes a while to realize what is happening. For me it was entering a depression which caused me to realize either I do s th or I will stay depressed the rest of my life and I left.
1. when you fail to make them feel special
2. being rejected
3. when you set boundaries
4. when they lose control of you
5. when you abandon them
The thing that bothers me is I literally don't know anyone who actually likes being rejected and abandoned. Some people are indifferent but most people I know want to feel they matter at least somewhat so everyone that's fearful of rejection and abandonment is narcissistic? Even children fear abandonment. Just seems like it's nuanced a bit and not so black and white.
@@KrisannaMarieWhen dealing with Narcs/Egoists something will always feel off about them/the situation/within you (feeling on edge/fight or flight/having to be careful wirh words or actions when responding). With regular people it is a momentary hurt feelings.
how to interface with a narc when you have to co’parent and are working to become financially independent (but aren’t). My only saving grace is he cares about his reputation and being seen as the good father-good guy. I have a generous covert narc. I hate feeling like I have to use it to my advantage, but it’s come down to self preservation for the kids and I. There is no lump sum payment and divorce unfortunately. Week to week reliance. No contact not possible and even as I try to gray rock by staying child centric- he lives across our land as he looks for apartment and has the kids 50%.
It is much better when I give him a pay on the head (all he wants from anyone) then express anything that touches him empty self and in turn points all that vitriol towards me.
So many of us, our situation can’t be cut and dry and we have to use to our advantage where they will show up, or where we remain useful unfortunately.
@@KrisannaMarieit's not that normal people don't feel rejection or abandonment. It's what someone does when they feel rejected or abandoned. Do you lash out in rage? Do you put down (devalue) the partner so that they feel less than human for leaving you? Do you mock them for leaving you? Do you talk sh!t about them to anyone who will listen? Or do you consciously think about the reasons why they said they are leaving and wonder if you could have been more compassionate to them, kinder, been less self-absorbed? Do you look honestly at your relationship and think maybe it's just a lack of connection that can happen to to good people? How often do you feel abandoned or rejected? Is it when they take too long at the store or hanging out with their friends & family? Is it when they have to go on a work trip and you have no reason to believe that they're cheating? Those are signs that one's fear of abandonment is irrational and may be coming from some childhood issue that could lead to narcissism. So it's not that everyone who feels rejected or abandoned is a narcissist. It's people who often feel rejected and abandoned and use those feelings as an excuse to lash out in a disregulated way.
@@KrisannaMarie Really interesting thought. Like any condition, there must be a spectrum of intensity.
Had ZERO idea I was being abused until I joined a weekly women's prayer group and began to share "my week". They carefully explained to me I was being emotionally abused on a regular basis. Thank God for those women. I have slowly rebuilt my personality after 10 years of abuse.
So true..I could never understand why my friends parents were so kind to me..even their father would acknowledge me. 30 years later...oh..your parents were so mean to you...Really? Thought it was normal. Chose marital partners who were abusive..seemed normal. Not any more.😁👍
I am happy you are healing and growing into you. I also wanted to say good for these women for taking the hard path of telling someone an uncomfortable truth and not just blowing it off or distancing themselves from something uncomfortable. That is commendable!
I didn't need any god, I woke up on my own when she pushed a little too far, then the light switched on and I saw everything.
Filed for a divorce 2 weeks ago, partner hasn't said one word since as she knows she f*ck*d up and she'll be out the door soon.
This meal ticket has expired.
Joining a mens group for emotional abuse soon.
Am glad u r out. Now l understand why my husband does not like my friends especially those who are celebrities
This is me. I had NO idea just how bad things actually have been with my husband of 15 years and have essentially been trapped as a military spouse that has given up everything to follow him around the country and care for our children. He's now retiring and my eyes are wide open and I'm planning my escape with my wonderful children at 38....soon 39. I didn't realize he was a narcissist until I've put ALLLLLLLL of the things together and watched video after video. It was there all along and as someone with deep empathy, leaving someone that has hurt me so deeply still hurts me...what a strange concept because all the hurt he has caused me has never hurt him.
You can’t change a narcissist, they hold grudges forever
Absolutely...they can't find fault in them ..they derive pleasure in hurting and destroying ones life
Nothing wrong with holding a grudge forever it’s an effective means of self preservation especially if your parents were narcs
@@jessehamilton4223True, but it also depends on what you do with the grudge; having it and maintaining it can keep you safe from them, as long as you don't make showing the grudge a new way of life; that's as bad as staying in the company of the narcissists; keep it as a safety mechanism but don't keep engaging with them to prove you have a grudge. It's for you, not for their benefit. Not sure if this makes sense, but I hope you know what I mean, and it's not a criticism at all. Happy New Year!❤
@@winterovthanatoz3748 I’m glad you said that. I question if I am narcissistic by some of these characters.. I really don’t think I am. But like that last thing about divorce, I want a divorce but I am really scared of it and I don’t want to be alone. My husband wants me to forget about his past indiscretions and become ignorant and naive to his manipulative behavior. I do have memory issues and he plays on that. But the impactful stuff I hold on to. His lies are crazy making and manifesting physical illnesses for me. It’s so much more than just being bitter. While I absolutely do have abandonment issues and rejection issues and I am starving for affection and I am holding onto grudges (for reference)… I don’t believe that I am narcissistic. I believe that I am in a toxic relationship and am not being my best self. When you roll around in the mud you will get dirty
I hold a grudge against betrayer, my grudge reminds me to stay away from traitors
Dr. Ramani saved my life.....I watched her everyday and cried myself to sleep. The fact that I can re-watch these videos with no tears and in my eyes, is a big win. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. I was in therapy for 15 years, and none of them were able to figure what I was telling them about my experiences...hang in there too long, but now I am so aware I could coach on narcissism.
That's right ❤
Proud for you (((❤)))
I bet you could.
Yes, you just said it. Hypocrisy = rules apply for everyone else but for them 😢
Good for you! That's awesome that you found your path to a happier life!
We're never fully equipped to handle these people
Agree
Facts!!
I think we are IF we can go no contact.
@@jokendrick2124 yes. Its the only way but not always possible
Indeed. The only way to deal with a Narcissist is treat them like radioactive materials: controlled exposure, from afar if possible and decontamination protocols afterwards. ☢️
Breathing is one of the things my narcs hate about me.
Or smiling
Or being healthy.
My narc didn't like how I chewed and he didn't like my smile. Apparently I have a 'stupid face'.
@@l.5832 what rotten people they are. They’re miserable in their own skin. I’m a narc magnet but no more. I married an Indian Muslim and after 10 years, he’s still as sweet and funny as before. There’s not a narc bone in his body. 🙏🏽
Same here or even laughing loud frustrates narcs. They are truly miserable people
Living with a narcissist is like feeling exhausted from a long day, and you look forward to sitting on your couch but the whole time, you can't get comfortable because you're sitting on the edge of the cushion the whole time..
Omg it’s because they’re watching you so they can have something to say
@timothygarrett9324 Omg, I know!
Exactly how I feel.
TRUE
Spot on!!!!!!
When you compliment someone else, when you don't come running when they call, when you are happy , content with less than they have and are not impressed or moved by their lifestyle or wealth, when you speak your mind, when you stand up for yourself .
Yes! My partner has much more money than me, and threatens to go off overseas regularly, sometimes with our daughter. I am working on not caring. My peace of mind is more important than money.
He controls me financially and emotionally. In every way really! I now realise what is going on and I am working on myself.
In other words, anything...? Yeah
Haha, same experience!
Didn’t care that he got a nice car (was happy for him but not impressed by his lifestyle). When he realized that I wasn’t IMPRESSED, he proceeded to tell me how shitty my car was, how small my dreams are compared to his and that even though he drove my car a 1000 times in the past, that I wasn’t allowed to drive his NICE car 😂
Didn’t give a shit even then
So the abuse went from things to how bad I look, how my hair is an embarrassment, how I dress more comfortable sometimes and he’s embarrassed cause other girls look better, how I don’t know how to drive properly, how he’s only dating me for my good HEART cause in reality he could do better (in terms of looks)
Dr. Ramani: After many months of struggle, I finally found a way to put this relationship into words:
The presence of things that shouldn’t be there.
And the absence of things that should be there.🙏
Very well said @merin.
I second it
Perfect 👌 very well described 😺
Screenshot! Thank you!!
It took me a long time to realize that I was being abused because I had never been abused before.
"To reject a narcissist, accept yourself." ... yeah, it sounds cheesy and maybe a little too easy, but this is something I've seen more and more clearly every single day for the past two weeks. It's true. The more I like myself, the more I don't like what's done to me (a cool person).
As a 44 year old man, I hate that I relate to this song, but it expressed very well what it is to leave that kind of relationship.
Lose You to Love Me -Selena Gomez
Best wishes on your journey
@@KiloRooster Thanks, fellow traveler. 39 myself, and this is going on my playlist.
Lack of self acceptance and true self love leaves the door open to intruders
True
Having no friends they Can do that, assemble em
I've tolerated narcissistic abuse from a sibling since early childhood. After decades of family abuse, I simply avoided all contact until my sibling confronted me about what was expected of me. I chronicled the abuse and confronted my sibling about the facts of all the hardship that was brought upon the family....haven't heard anything in a long time.
Don't be afraid to confront your abuser and get on with your life.
@lauracollins28 Laura I want to be able to do that too! The other day a friend wanted to place a beloning from her at my house. I said I did not want that, because I am away a lot and don't want the burden of having to return to my house when she needs it. She said she had nobody else and it would be a big problem for her. I feel so disappointed with myself, instead of sticking to being assertive, I gave in to her request, because I felt like a bad friend if I kept refusing and she would get more upset. Since then I noticed she further tried to claim me. She asked me to do something else and I said it was no option because I had a deadline and was sick, and she said, but you have evenings? A weekend? My no seems to always have to become a yes for her. I hate confrontation and I think she knows that very well. I am working on myself, I want to be able to say no and not make it a yes ever. I also try to be more direct by for example saying:so you are actually saying you don't care about... Etc? But I do also actively avoid people like this. Do you have any advice about how not to get guilt tripped and fall into the trap of being too nice?
I should have confronted my narc mom but expected me to fall into line like my older sister who gave her entire money. I would not - since I don't work outside the home to give it away to selfish parents. I stood my grounds and made it clear I would not work for nothing. I clean the house for no allowance and I sure as hell would not give her my entire money so she could sit on her ass all day. I would not. I had enough BS and left after 28 years old since I was paying for the mortgage which this house was mine and my older sister. My mother expected us to lie down and let her walk on us and I said, "no way." I am no body's fool but took care of myself as I did at age 9 and would not allowed anyone to manipulate me as if I were her slave. I managed to have a life of my own as I got older. Never would I live with selfish and self-entitled individuals that want to make slaves of their children. No way in hell!
Sounds like my sibling monster narcissance. I had nitemares for years
I’m 26 & narcissist and I’m here to learn about myself. To try to reprogram myself. We are bad partners. But I’m finally being real with myself and realizing I have to get down to the root. I have to change for me. Someway somehow life made us this way at some point. Hurting people is not cool at all. To all my people suffering with this condition I pray you be real with yourself and let go of your partner and realize you’re in this for a long run.
Narcissists don’t grow or learn. You may be narcissistic (we all are).
@@jolesliewhitten6545 some might consider it arrested development...but i'm convinced it was the furthest they were ever meant to develop. like, there's not anything there past that to develop into.
@@i-never-look-at-replies-lol9
Most truly narcissistic people won’t change because there’s no proper motivation. It’s so common that they won’t, that it’s often conflated with can’t - which, for the non-narcissistic person, is understandable; many people experience terrible abuse from narcissists and as a result can be wary of the idea a narcissist can change. While it is rare, narcissists CAN evolve, but only when properly motivated. You seem like you’re in that mindset. I for one am proud of you for recognizing your disorder, and for attempting to understand and expand yourself. I’m saying this as the adult child of a vulnerable narcissist who experienced the abuse that comes with that. You are valid, seen, and supported by this person. May you continue to grow and understand yourself, and may your recovery be as thorough as you need!
Yea the Bible says man will be lovers of themselves I'm proud of u at least your working on u😊❤
I had a moment of PTSD when you mentioned narcissists thinking they are the King. My narc husband actually screamed at my teenage son, "I am the ruler!" His ridiculous freak out was over control of the TV remote. His massive meltdown, and the fact that we could never watch our shows if he wanted to watch something else, caused me to purchase a second TV and turn our guest bedroom into a media room while he was away on a work trip. My narc husband wasn't too happy ... oh well! I'm taking baby steps to get me and my boys out from under his tyrannical control.
Dad does the same. I cried my eyes out today for something similar. I made a mistake and the worst thing was not asking him about throwing away something that me and mom deemed as trash (some broken car fridge and a box lol). I had to go scoop them out of the trash and bring them home again, because they are valuable, he paid for them and he is the ruler in that house. How dare I throw away something without asking him?
@@veronicab15what an ass! Hold onto yourself and who you are, you’ll be free of him at some stage. But at least you can see how wrong his behaviour is, so just hold onto that knowledge and hold onto your own heart and mind. Those are yours to keep and protect forever.
@annejohnson
It can be done
You will break free for yourself & your boys
I watched my sons life be threatened by a grandiose malignant narcissist
It spurnd me on to finally get to court for a safety order & court followed
He had a list of ridiculous accusations written down for the judge
He actually thought that telling the judge that I suffered with depression & that our son had a major exam coming up
The same son whose life he had threatened
I spoke up & reminded the Judge that was the same son he had threatened
The judge instantly granted the safety order
I laid out the papers on kitchen table
He sent up our three adult kids to plead on his behalf
I replied with same sentence
"Not up for discussion ""
Divorce followed
You can do this too❤
@@maevebutler4641 "He sent his three adult sons to plead on his behalf". What a coward. Congratulations to you!
Excellent maneuver. Bravo! 👏🏽
"Everyone is special but nobody is extra special" is what my cousin told her kids
Love this sentence
I like that and plan to use it 😇😍
Except trans people and autistic identified individuals
Something I learnt about narcissists is that they don't seem to understand cause and effect.
They know, they just don't care unless it affects them.
@@daisy9910 I think they only understand it to a certain extent. Due to their narcissism they seem to be completely blind to other parts.
It's possible the reason they don't care is because they don't understand.
To truly understand and embody cause and effect you need to understand others and yourself. Narcissists don't. They only understand manipulation which limits their growth .
So they get stuck in their self-centered way of thinking.
Narcissist never grow they only stagnant. External or tangibly they may seem to be well of but internal they are mess. They only hide that due to their ability to get supply which makes them seem more powerful than they are but they're actually quite weak.
OMG, this is so spot on! Thank you. Boundaries! I rented a room in my condo to a narcissist. While I was away he bullied my other housemate (who’s an elderly guy who’s very nice) so much that he stayed in his room to avoid him (and missed so many meals he’s now in the hospital) and not only filled his rental room but the kitchen and living room with his stuff and now says I don’t live there anymore (in my own condo!) because he thinks he’s entitled to my entire home! He has zero empathy and projects and gaslights to a degree I have never seen in all my 70 years. I hired a lawyer to get rid of him and it’s taking months. My heart goes out to those who are related to or emotionally involved with these toxic individuals!
Wow what a story! Your kindness was exploited.
@@Zeepjeliefs I know! He’s long gone but it took three hearings to get a protection order (he kept saying he’d attend then each time at the last moment be a no-show which equaled huge lawyer fees for me, eventually over $10k) then when he was court ordered to finally remove all his stuff, lied to the moving company that everything was packed, which it was definitely not, then when the manager came on the phone and said they could still move everything if he paid additional for supplies and two more men, he became so verbally abusive she called her crew back to the office and only on the very last day before all his stuff became my responsibility to dispose of, did he get some guys to pack up and take his stuff, though I had to scrounge up tape, boxes, trash bags etc. and he still left a lot behind. Supposedly I can get him to pay my legal fees, but he hasn’t any money and I want nothing more to do with him; I just want to sell that condo as soon as I can and I will be OK with that. Ugh. I still feel awful for people related to these crazies. My family was pretty dysfunctional, but nothing that’s toxic narcissist level.
@@robertagregory7177 I'm so sorry that you had to encounter such a damaging person... The amount of stress you must have gone through and still have 😳 You are right in the end it's only money, your well-being is the most important. I get what you are saying, some people are dysfunctional but we can still have some understanding for them. But this behavior is so intensely egotistical definately and leaves a trail of destruction. I can imagine you want to get rid of this person as soon as possible I hope you are completely free from that person soon and get to sleep well again. Wishing you well!
That’s a sociopath
My sister is overly nice to service workers. She is a big tipper, very patient, understanding with errors. She will patiently stand in line. She will wait her turn and will allow others to go ahead of her. She is viewed as a kind and caring person. On the flip side, if she is called out for not being correct, doesn’t get her way when it comes to helping others, isn’t able to take from others (mostly family and friends) to give to the needy she becomes the devil. She will name call, gaslight, berate, accuse and threaten. If you are a stranger my sister is a saint. If you are family or a close friend you are nearly a source for funding her goodness. It is a confusing and difficult position to be in.
Yes to the outside world the covert narcissists are so kind, that is the way they control the information flow and their access to them. Fully agree - as soon the get criticized or have to take accountability for their wrong doings, they turn into rage full persons. Also they only visit when they want something. They blackmail with gifts nobody wants against full access to service. Manipulating can be with nice words too.
Your sister seems to be typical covert, communal narcissist; as Dr. Ramani has described in those videos (in case the info helps dispel her confusing behavior).
At least now you know what is the problem
I have mother - exactly the same behaviour
Boy have I been there! It's freaky! And evil!
Typical covert narcissist.
I love the line ”you’re unique, just like everyone else”.
😂👍
My covert narc ex girlfriend was pissed that I got a disability pass at Universal because I'm autistic. The ironic part is that she got to use it too because she was with me without having to have the sensory issues that got me the pass. She made that vacation so stressful.
4 months no contact now! Thank you for all the videos. They've been so helpful
I tried setting a boundary with my Narc Mom. She left my house without a word and hasn't spoken to me since. All I did was say that we needed to make plans for dinner before inviting people over because I was trying to prevent a blow up from my Covert Narc cousin. My ENTIRE family has cut me off over this except my sister the golden child. Mother's triangulation game is fierce. It's absolutely absurd.
There is another thing. They hate being alone. Being alone forced them to put up with themselves ( which they can't). It forces them to look at themselves like they were in the mirror ( but this time, it was their true, inside self)
So they will become miserable amd start to torture everyone else.
Don't trust anyone who can't be alone.
Psychopath, sociopath, narcissist and abusive toxic people can't be alone.
They must get Narcissistic supply, a phrase coined by Sam Vaknin, his videos are great too.
@@lidiadangelo1391 that's true. To distract themselves from their ugliness
@natural3362,….Hi there,…..This one Paragraph just explained everything,……WOW ,….EyeOpening,…..Never heard this term like this before,…..‼️They HATE Being Alone‼️,….Being Alone Forces Them To Put Up With Themselves,…….Now I must Rethink,….some of my Past relationships,…..I’m in my 60’s now,….been married ,….crazy relationships,….‼️head spinning relationships,….. ‼️. We young ladies in our 60’s,….were never taught these things,……we were taught Men should control us,……and if they don’t they do not care,…….Now I’m happy retired,…divorced,….and Alone,……A Course on 💕 Being be on GUARD💕 should be mandatory for every young person,…..💯💯💯💯💯
@@sandradavis4101 aww May God bless you and May you be happy for the rest of your life. It's true. It's important for the young to learn before entering some garbages relationship
Disagree. Solitude can be triggering for a variety of reasons which reside outside of those specific personality disorders.
16:29 Boundaries are POWERFUL, not because narcs honor them, but because their unwillingness to do so highlights their lack of genuine concern for you and/or repels them in the first place. The truth is painful but freeing. And good boundaries are like catnip to healthy people. ❤
In my experience, the setting of a boundary enrages narcs, and they feel compelled to violate them. It's a good narc-detector!
@@pashakdescilly7517 Absolutely! Detector and deflector in one!
Truth
And specifically in this case that kind of truth is freeing - you see true face of the person
How do you set boundaries? Is that what “grey rocking” is? How do you set a boundary with someone who elevates themselves (their problems )above anything you’re going through.
For ex. I was dealing w/my brother being transferred to hospice & days to live & my narc “friend” had the nerve to ask if they could call me later. This person perpetually dumps on me. I’m a magnet for this. It’s almost like they sniffed my empathetic gene 5 yrs ago & i’ve been unable to detach!
Ps/this person calls me every time I’m dealing with a personal crisis & yes had the nerve to keep calling my phone at the hospice place. I’m exhausted!
@@ThyKingdomCome_7 Tell them that you have pressing issues to deal with and can not talk to them now.
I remember going to school in K-5th grade we'd have gatherings to be talked to by different speakers for things, and one speaker
spoke about setting boundaries. She said even if family members do things you don't like, you're allowed to speak up about it. So when I finally did to an aunt, she just mocked me and did what she wanted. So did my father. My father would constantly scream at me "Do you want to grow up to be like your mother?!"... and now, I scream back in my head "NO! AND I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYTHING LIKE YOU EITHER, BECAUSE YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN HER!". I told him to stop f*cking touching me once, and he wouldn't get his hand off me (my shoulder, but I had just been abused at school, and had been previously abused at school and he and the school did nothing to keep me safe from sexual assault and sexual harassment). So I took a pencil and jabbed his hand with it. He finally learned that day to keep his mother flipping' hands to himself. And I STILL do NOT feel bad for stabbing his hand.
I don't care what age your child is. If you are making the kid uncomfortable for no reason, get your god damned hand off them.
And no, I don't condone violence. But step across my boundaries and see how quick exceptions are just fine.
Yes, setting boundaries is in a way controlling- controlling my own time, my own energy, my own life.❤
Thank you for that clarification!!! I didn’t get that when Dr Ramani said that but that is absolute gold. Control your time/life/energy. Again, thank you!
Dominate + control and when you walk away, you're the bad guy and you get smeared all over the place. Sick, twisted, and I regret that it was ever apart of my life experience.
Good that you out
Good that you alive
I hope you well enough, and your health wasn't damaged
I wish you good luck and more of awareness of yourself
You've got some experience, it makes you wiser 💖
@@matikramer9648 Thank you for your kindness, I appreciate that. Yes, I'm grateful that I'm done with that and I don't plan on doing any of it again...sometimes the healing journey is frightening but it is worth it. Thanks again! 💕
Evil people .... l am also out ... What a twiste life l lived since year 2000 to 2020. l walked out. Sick people.. Whaooo lam single and happy with my child from the same marriage. he refused to stay with his mother
I have to say that it is really tough when you finally realize that the people you thought loved you have just been using you as an indentured servant. I know that I have to get away, as we have done before, but I feel so physically and mentally broken that it feels almost impossible. May we all find the strength to find something and/or someone better than being trapped in the narcissistic cage drowning in a half-full toilet of another's insecurity and rage! Thanks, Doctor Ramani!
Well, that was an apt description of what can happen at home... - Thanks. Oh, can you get away for a while and well, get away? It helps. Take care...
@@anitamcginnis8028 Thank you, I will try to do that, asap.
Very intense. Sorry you are going through this...I've been there and almost died literally of various stress related ailments, digestive disorder, insomnia, hyper acidity in my joints and mental fatigue after decades of double guessing myself. I got away [miraculously with no job, tiny savings and three months on a couch]and never went back 3 years ago. Get away and find your power doing so. The hardest thing you'll ever do is leave. The rest is so much easier than what you've already survived. The joy of peace of mind is the greatest part of my life
Professional aspirations that I had prior to my marriage are what ultimately saved me and made it impossible to become totally broken. I suffered, yes, and had lots of regrets about my decisions but because I never really understood what had happened and was constantly happening to me (until now, thanks to Dr R) I clung HARD to my professional career. That was my rock in an island of despair
That was my story. I wish I'd contacted the women's shelter for assistance. I kept thinking my situation didn't apply. It did.
When I started setting boundaries, thats when I was accused of being the narc. I was still sensitive to her claims at the time so I even considered whether I was a narc. Meanwhile she never questioned if SHE was. To this day I am still trying to heal from this. She made me believe that accepting myself and setting boundaries is narcisistic. Has anyone else been accused of being a narc BY a narc?
I was afraid of it
No, it doesn't make you narc
Dr Ramani has clip on RUclips that she speaks about it - use it, also there are more channels, not only Dr R... I was afraid that because of my mom I myself turned to be one....
I'm exhausted, squeezed dry, but I'm myself
Even in normal relationships we need to put boundaries, why not to try lacmus paper to find narcissists, if we start to suspect one
By the way - very best of lucks and may you succeed!
Not to my face, but during a period where I wasn’t well and in crisis, my sister suddenly took that period to paint me as selfish , harmful, only wanting to hear what I want to hear, not caring about her kids- it was a shock and really absurd to an outsider of the whole picture, bc I was just free falling in my life. I still question myself tho, if I deserved some or any of it, it makes you pretty paranoid when it’s family, someone you’ve trusted always. There wasn’t anything I could do for the longest time. Nothing like that has ever happened to me, though just before it, I was starting to question how much time I spent putting up with certain behaviours from my mom and sister, just to be close to them. I set some boundaries, ie really, just insisted that I had some valid needs in whatever stupid fight. I don’t think that went over well. I wasn’t so much challenging them as myself, and what I was making of my life.
Anyway, I don’t think she wants to look ‘bad’ so she avoids using very direct name calling to others in my family, - plus that would be easier for me to defend myself towards as It would give me a public declaration that I might be able to refute in ways the rest of my family might get. Instead she has picked among my struggles, triggers, and symptoms and talked about them out of context and as evidence of basically how I am a toxic person, that my unprecedented needs (I previously was independent to a fault) are a manipulation, that I have had this all coming. It’s really devastating and there is not much you can do, still here though ❤️
@sampal5352 that's similar to my experience, thank you for sharing. ❤️
I feel this
Oh yes ..its a manipulative move to guilt you ..Stand strong..dig in be confident don't argue stay on subject ..walk away
00:00 when you fail to make them feel special
10:51 being rejected
15:51 when you set boundaries
24:36 when they lose control of you
31:41 When you abandon them
Why do they want to keep you around to be mean and hateful to you? I don’t ever want to be in another relationship again. This is awful!
It gives them a power surge and sense of superiority to treat you like they're better than you. They need someone to be better than.
It’s true,and funny at the same time 😢
They're so weak without us 😂😂😂 pathetic really we can get our power back and we've always been stronger then them this whole time...❤
Exactly! It’s hard to believe that I can see a fiery disdain in the one who is supposed to “love” me
I was told "I broke your boundaries because they were stopping us getting where I wanted us to be" - and just like that, I was done... thanks to you, Ramani, and other truth speakers and supporters of the victims of toxic relationships.
I was told: "sorry I talked to you in that way (treating me badly) but you didn't seem to UNDERSTAND!!" "Understand" meaning I simply dind't share the same view. And for that I was shouted at and told "I will never help you again with this!"
@@klimtscat347their emotions = objective reality
Your emotions = wrong and bad and stupid make them go away
I'm so sorry you have to deal with someone like this. I'm glad you see the sneaky way they add assumptions into the mix without saying it explicitly. It will help resist the gaslighting.
Stay safe while you find a way out. That's the only winning move.
@@klimtscat347
I don't know why, but your comment reminded me of One thing I said I just can't cook.
Now had he wanted me to be able to cook it, he could have given me the right amount of time ⏲️ to cook it. (No easy look it up on your phone back then).
Instead he covertly made fun of me about it. He was such an ass.
wow, at least you got THAT much honesty out of your narcissist! moment of truth, be it rare, at least you know. mine never tells the truth, so i have to make the hard calls, which makes it 10X harder where theres no truth, self-accountability or closure.
@@mattlehnardt8035 to be fair, it was 4 years on, and his 6th or 7th hoover attempt...but the first fail because I told him not to push my boundaries and he blew his stack and spoke a wee bit loose! One thing about closure though, you'll never get it from the narcissist. They need to believe there's no end and that you'll go back one day. You can only get closure from yourself. I wish you luck now and in the future
They tell you are being controlling or disrespectful when you set a boundary. That feeling you get when the narcissist accuses you or rages - its a physical sensation like a heavy iron ball dropping at the pit of your stomach. Dr Ramani, it's amazing how much you understand.
My narc mom wanted me a fool to let her step all over me while she kept taking my money without keeping my own money which I earned to save for a car and to pay my bills. Nothing was enough for her and for that reason I finally moved out at age 28 after helping a self-entitled individual that refused to work but rather sit around and not cook or clean at all. I got tired of this since I took it upon myself to take care of my needs at age 9 and washed my clothes and save what little money 50 cents from school for milk and dessert. Saved a quarter each week to buy school supplies and later saved for cheap fabric to makeshift dresses to wear. Remember one who is determined makes it in life. No complaints just do whatever is necessary.
Some call you bipolar or crazy
For my narcissistic mother, literally everything that anyone says or does that doesn't acknowledge her imagined superiority is perceived as some kind of intentional slight directed solely at her. It's like she's living a secret, private drama out in her head where she's the main character and others rotate around her. She spends a lot of time and energy deciding what others' actions "really mean." Everything the inferior characters do and say exists only in reference to her, because of course, everything is about her 24/7/365. Even when you include her or, God forbid, accept an invitation from her, no amount of consideration or gratitude is sufficient because the point is always her and only her, and you will never get it right. If you do something on your own or go to a social event to which she wasn't invited and doesn't even know the host, you did that to intentionally slight her, not because you're a human adult with a life that is distinct from hers.
Spot on! All of it. I’m finding so much shared experiences with you and others. Isn’t it amazing that what we thought was bizarre behavior actually is narcissism pure and simple? Marc mother behaves exactly the same way!
you just described my life. she is now actively undermining my relationship with my adult child and grandchild, it's the sickest thing i've ever seen...and i wouldnt wish this on anyone.
Just psycho
@@20920Jacksrd That is my mother to a tee... By the way my mother's son is named Marc as well...😄🪷
My mother made fun of my friends when I had them & made fun of me for not having friends when I didn't have any.
It’s the strangest thing but it feels as if he thinks that we are all wind up toys that come to life when he walks in. He never stops to notice that I’m in the middle of something just brings all his chaotic energy in and does his work load dump into my brain needing full attention and meanwhile dinner is burning or getting cold out I’m forgetting whatever I’m trying to accomplish. Not once has he walked in and asked hey are you busy? Do you have a moment to talk? That would give me an opportunity to say, I’m busy right now but you can have my full attention in fifteen minutes. This becomes overwhelming with my handicap which affects my brain and focus also. I think that’s why he doesn’t ask about my day or thoughts or anything. He is fully satisfied with a silent audience for his one man show. I’ve never felt so invisible in my entire life.
My mother does that
@@amarbyrd2520 so strange, right.? Without these videos I would still be so confused and lost.
No, you don't want him to ask that. Mine does, I can't answer truthfully even though I have 8 children( 5 special needs). If you tell them you just need 15 mins you don't have time for them. Or you care about all others before them. Or you will be punished all night and can't sleep because of eggshells and you messed up by not being readily available.
No,you don't want them to ask you how your day was or do you have a min.
The narcissist will rage, invalidate or discard you when they lose narcissistic control or if you set boundaries. I stopped believing my husband's lies about his infidelity and he has discarded me. Honestly, I am better educated about narcissism and I want out of this abusive marriage.
I tell u
I'm listening to this with a HUGE smile on my face and cheering. Once I educated myself and realized who I was dealing with , what I was interacting with my ex husband moved on finding new supply.
After rages by him, me always trying to explain or defend myself I realized it didn't matter.
I always stood my ground and with a narcissist it never ends well it never goes anywhere. I was too much of a challenge for him..too confident in who I am and I never betrayed myself. It was rough living...there was lots of pain ..I became his target to destroy..but I never backed down. Now after 22 years I'm able to move to my own place . Due to my age, health and finances it took time but I never gave up.
Believing in yourself and maintaining your truth on who you are in a narcissists eyes is like pouring water on a fire. I like to think of it like the scene from the Wizard of Oz when the water is thrown on the witch and she melts. That's how I see the narcissist once you stand in your truth and never back down or feed into their sick agenda. Peace ✌️
I can only speak for a child of a narcissistic family and what I’ve learned is every aspect of your life has been touched by narcissism. When you venture into therapy, it can be one of the most scary but liberating thing you can ever do. It’s scary because it’s the journey of putting yourself first and valuing yourself, and liberating because you begin to realise your potential. These can feel like grief because you lose the narcissistic element; you no longer need them which can feel strange but it’s the most liberating and wonderful rebirthing experience you can have if you stick with it. You are worth doing it for ❤
After a 4 year relationship with a narcissist I decided to set boundaries. He ended the relationship quickly and its the best thing I ever did. But now he wants me back because he has no one to manipulate, control and gaslight.
He's trying to hoover you back in. Don't fall for it.
Never take him back period.
Agreed. Speaking from experience. 🙏
If you succeed at *anything* they will be super bummed out.
They then try to destroy your reputation and relationships with others in your life
My covert mother can not engage in a conversation that doesn't involve snarky, cutting remarks about someone. She lives in a retirement home. Recently, she was focused on a woman she sees in the cafeteria who is very overweight and whose husband is very thin. She's had no interaction with this couple, doesn't know their names, but she went on and on about not understanding how someone could be so big, etc. I finally just asked her how the woman's weight affected her. Silence.🎉 I'm the scapegoat.
I ask my mother who does the same thing why it bothers her so much and she GOES OFF! Then instantly its "whats wrong with you, you always think you know everything, you're so perfect etc etc" I instantly become the punching bag because I am not engaging in her negativity.
"There is an inherent hypocrisy and delusion built into entitlement. When a narcissistic person's entitlement gets challenged, and they're not being seen as special, shame and inadequacy get activated and rage ALWAYS follows." and "They shouldn't be punished if they do bad things the way others should be if they do..." Truth spoken, Dr. Ramani. My s/o spoke to his mom about her unacceptable behavior. She's invaded our privacy, going through our things, stealing to her delight. It went on for months before he said anything. He was kind, calm, polite, and respectful. Her reaction: INSANE RAGE. She exploded. She slammed and threw things, screaming at him before leaving. She lives here. I watch her children put up with a lot of abuse under her matriarchal reign. She lies on social media and calls anyone who'll listen. This is a regular practice. Her adult children put up with it, since they know how she'll react. They excuse her. Afterall, she is 75. Her daughter financially supports her and needs help with her son. Their mom uses that to her advantage and threatens to move out. She keeps everyone in their place. Worst of all, she creates division, intentionally, when she lies to her children about her other children.
Time for her to move elsewhere. How Sad to deal with That.
Drop her off in a care home. It's only what she deserves.
What a nightmare. What is sad is that when she passes, everyone will feel relieved and be left with horrible memories and trauma. Not how it should be. Sad. Sorry you are dealing with that.
My mom has done some horrible things but the ones that stand out are when she threw fits, got police involved, damaged property, assaulted, harassed, and threatened people on days like their birthdays or their wedding day when they didn’t do things the way she wanted.
Basically,walking around on eggshells around this lady.
Sounds like my late mom, except I use to call her out on her "selective" and of course being the scapegoat,you get called every name in the book but a child of Yah.
1. Speak to them
2. Look at them
3. Ignore them
4. Exist
5. Acknowledge that anyone else exists
so true, they punish you if u dont cheer them enough or reply quickly 😂
My mother abused me in all ways. I always knew something was wrong and learned a few years ago she was a narcissist but people tried telling me she wasn’t. You became my first real life hero, you put concrete around what I knew. I am so grateful for what I’ve learned from you
Both my mom & older sister are horrible ppl & both are narcissists. However, I can see ppl around either one of them being charmed--atleast for awhile, refusing to see how bad the narcs are & some of those ppl actually try to win favor with difficult, narcissistic person, like they are a challenge where you may lose, but they feel like it's winning to get into that narc's best friend circle.
Those are also ppl that deny their own real feelings--& they will pay for it in short order, too.
Some narcs will only let others see what THEY want them to see.
@@andreah6379Yes, you're right. I think most, if not all, narcs are very charming people when it serves their purpose. They have to draw people in somehow, and I think that's how they manage to do it, with fake charm. Until they want to get something, take something, use someone, manipulate someone, because they need a supply of flying monkey's to do their dirty work or spying or whatever. Butif they're running low they may need some additional helpers/monkey's. It's all so disgusting and exhausting.
Make them feel special , prop them up , you’re responsible for how they feel - while at the same time they treat you like crap to regulate themselves and feel better
Crazy making toxic codependency here !
Talk truth so real
Why make them feel special? I am not special.
Damn thats hit me deep
Very true
They hate being ignored because THEY NEED ATTENTION 24 HOURS A DAY
My narcissistic mother loves to throw the 4th Commandment at me...honor your parent. Dad was great and to protect him, I didn't stand up to mom. Now that he has passed, I informed mom that only bad parents have to use the 4th commandment as a weapon to their kid, and abused kids don't have to follow that. Told her I was done with her. Felt great to finally say that!
Next time she dies that quote Ephesians 6:4 right back: "Parents shall not provoke their child to anger"
Respect and honor is a two way street.
Sooo glad that I found DR.ramani in the right time ,I’m just 2 months recovery from the 16years narcissistic relationship
Reaction of a narcissist to moves towards independence: smear campaign, boycotting, reputation attacks, bullying and mobbing, ...
What does the narcissistic person do when you try to set boundaries? My experience has been that they punish you by withdrawing their attention or simply discarding you for a while. Just remember that when a narcissist discards, they’ll circle back around at some point when other supply runs dry.
I started watching to understand the narcissistic traits, I’m learning now, why I accepted him into my life. I’m understanding and accepting myself, the peace after 13 years of crazy anxiety is priceless. Hugs everyone ❤
I had to forgive myself for allowing this to happen to me because love always wins ❤️
Thank you…
I recently turned 60, in therapy, and I’m only now understanding my childhood trauma and its impact.
I’ve lost so many years, nearly a lifetime, under his control. It’s a bit overwhelming to think about…
In therapy about eight months now and you can guess how that’s affected my relationship with my father, a retired lieutenant commander with the sheriff’s department. “They like positions of power.” Yes.
The information you share is so valuable… thank you very, very much.
I’m understanding. 🦋
I have a few more months until I reach 60; I get this. Dad is the narcissist; I rarely talk with him, I have his number blocked on my phone; peace and quiet!
Yes, it can be tough! Left a marriage at 65, healing finally with therapy. We still have years left. Finally free and starting to feel good about myself.
All the best for the future!
@@jackilynpyzocha662
“Blocked” Good for you although I can’t imagine those rare conversations are enjoyable given your father has been blocked.
You’re nearing 60, since you’re here I’ll take some liberties and assume you’re still dealing with the aftermath, damage done.
Should be a crime, eh…
Should be.
‘Understanding’ is new for me… it helps to learn, to understand, to understand the ‘whys’ of my life while not blaming.
Life isn’t fair, I know this. I don’t blame, (yet), but the regrets in my life are many. I caused a lot of emotional pain to others due to an inability to accept love… I’d always walk away knowing surely they’ll see the real me, the one my father saw. Folks divorced when I was three, sister and I were separated, you can guess who I was handed to.
I don’t feel sorry for myself, I hope not, but I do feel deeply for that small child, (me), who lived in fear and was not wanted.
Worse, ‘he’ was all too well aware of this fact and lived in fear every single day.
My sister and half brother ‘got out’ early, decades ago, and both are doing well by looking at their social media, (this brings a smile.) I’m sincerely happy for them…
“Peace and quiet.” 👈♥️
Good for you… very good.
@@dianed5193
“Left a marriage at 65” I’m sorry for your having to go through this… and that life in the marriage.
But you got out, healing…
Good for you and I hope you’re now enjoying this new life while healing.
I wish you well…
@@jackilynpyzocha662🤗
Wow. Setting the boundaries shows me that they don't care about my boundaries.
I’m glad this came up as a suggestion. It took me a long time to realize how bad the behavior was in the relationship and HOW MUCH it really impacted my life. She’s so right. As soon as I finally took myself back, after a 2.5 year relationship - it was finally over. It was a very narcissistic last stunt my ex pulled that showed me the light! It took so long to leave the relationship and as soon as I finally took myself back, after slowly losing myself in life DURING the relationship. It’s freeing and I will stress this:
*ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS* trust your gut and LISTEN to your friends and family.
How I wish I knew all of this 20 years a go. I could have understood and handled a toxic relationship much better. Thank you sincerely Dr. R!
Me too
I wish I knew it 40 years ago, or, at least, 20...
But now I have hope
Me three.
Me four
Me 22
This work is wonderful. I have a strong background in psychology for lay people. When I found myself in one of these relationships I thought like many others that I was at fault. I had spent hours and hours studying how to communicate without giving offense. These ties popped up & my eyes were opened. I thank you you with my whole heart. This is a priceless gift to me and so many others.
Here’s one: be/ seem happy. They really hate that 😂
When you call them out or don't follow their "rules" they will either blow up or go away. My daughter went away, taking my new grandson with her. I just missed his 5th Christmas.
Baited, Gaslighted, De-valued, Dismissed
Invalidated
Rejection
Abandonment
They will turn siblings against you.
I have been cut out for 1 year, just for knowing myself. HONEST
EMPATH
Yep, I set boundaries. Now I have NO FAMILY.
Exactly what I lived with 70 years.
My Dad and my Brother
I think narcissists are a curse to their families, one and all. How girls with narciaczist mothers survive, is just a miracle
We make it by the grace of God.
@@icalotdonthide2646We made it by accident and by science-DNA.
I wish this personality disorder had a cure 🙁
There never was any Genuine love, it was all a act! Remember it's lovebombing, devalue and discard..
Best to stay away ,cut them out of your life from these selfhood, controlling family members or fake friends .
I've never heard my life told in such details.😮 Have you been watching me? I am in the healing process! Thank you so so much. I owe it to you!❤🎉
Hello everyone and lovely Ramani! I've got to share this funny tip that I got from Sasha Sloane years ago. When the narcissist is baiting or criticising you, do some stretching or dancing. Love you all, my brothers and sisters🎆🌄🌱🌿🌳🕊
lol
I love her & miss her! Helped me a lot & it was fun!
The only person setting boundaries in my family of origin was my narcissistic sister. “Don’t come into my room. You can’t borrow my clothes”. Meanwhile, she stole my makeup and borrowed my clothes. I was trained as an outcast.
My mother does that
One of my earliest memories was me just 3 years old, and my 6 year old sister saying "Don't play with my toys while I'm at school!" Me looking at the toys and having no idea of who 'owned' what. I didn't really know that concept yet but knew there would be hell to pay if I played with the wrong toys. My mother ignored me all day, so I ended up playing with whatever I wanted! 😆 Sister is a huge narc.....
Wow - this was my experience - trained as an outcast from childhood. 4:49
Thank you so much, Dr.Ramani. I grew up with a narcissistic parent. After years of walking on eggshells, I realized I had to put walls or boundaries to protect myself. I lost them, but I am happier.😀👍
They immediately start insulting you as if you are the one to blame on, every time
Everytime !
So grateful I woke up to this today. You are the FIRST person who has made direct contact with my experience for the past 10 - 20 years! Thank you 🙏🏽 Dr. Ramani!
I will do my best to … be me and stop walking on the eggshells.
Me too. I'm sick of tip toeing around my narcissistic husband of 29 years. It's exhausting!
Good luck !!!
Nothing in my life made any sence since childhood
Tip toeing literary around my mom.. what small child can do against it?
I have stopped walking on eggshells around the narc. I no longer care, refuse to deal with, and ignore,and avoid, every chance I get.
@@annjohnson8437 37 yrs it sucks.
Mine tried to smother me with his bare hands while I slept. It woke me up. Thank God I got out alive!!
I think I got that Tripple black diamond status tonight Dr. Ramani!! You would be so proud of me! I started watching ur vids 4 years ago and began awakening. I left my husband 2 months later. Fast forward, got into ANOTHER narc relationship, looking for the red flags. 🚩 today, I set boundaries and he flipped out. I stood my ground, he did exactly what you just said, mocked me called me a narcissist, selfish, I only care about my feelings. I disagreed and said well if you think I’m alll those things I’m just going to call this relationship off. He changed my Netflix password and called me all the names 🤫BUT, I was good. I have grown so much on these last 4 years and love and value myself. I did the work. And I accept myself. You did this , you opened my eyes and in a sense gave me my life back. Thank you 🙏
Still waiting for my son to see the light, my daughter-in-law is so "special" and has always been treated this way. She has estranged our son and grandchildren because in her eyes we are not worthy as grandparents--------so very sad for them
Dr. Ramani, you are always spot on!
❤❤❤❤
My boundary-setting began at age 65. Life is better all the time. I am low contact with several family members. Yay for me......I don't care about what they think, what they want, etc.
Me too
Some people were not taught to set boundaries
Definitely TRUE 👌
But one thing is for sure
The narcissist will teach you
That's what happened to me when I refused to give up my life & be my mother's servant, especially driving her around to the bars. It got really ugly. She started hitting & kicking my pets, so I made her move out. She told everyone what a horrible ungrateful brat I was for making my mother move out. I stuck to my guns & she stopped talking to me. That last 2 yrs of her life she didn't call me on my birthday. I didn't even know she went into the hospital, which is when a dr. found the cancer. It was fast moving & she died within 2 weeks. I still felt a little sad. It's a milestone when your parent dies. 👍👍
The thing that was most empowering for me was when narcissists couldn't get a reaction out of me, and that I was genuinely happy before they tried something and just as happy when their attempts at manipulation didn't work. I reached a point where they couldn't yank my chain. Getting to that point did not happen overnight. It was a long process, but definitely worth the exploration that allowed me to reach that point. When I regained the authenticity I had as a young child, it freed me. I do pay a price, but I have to be who I am, even if they kill me for it, but my friends are real friends, and what price can buy that?
YES, must reach a point where narc can NOT yank your chain. Not easy and takes awhile to master, but learning to remain ALOOF works best. Yawn. Shrug shoulders... do ya think it might rain? LOL it became a game, sometimes had to leave the room before emotions showed, but he finally gave up.
Wow, this was 100% my past bf.
It took me 2 years to get over him. I was 50 at the time & thought Id finally met "the ( almost perfect) one. " He prided himself on his trickery later, after I was devalued.
Me too fifty I'm lucky I changed the locks and never got bothered again
My ex never allowed me to speak when we visit friends- his friends - he kept me away from my friends as they are all way more successful than him.
Thank God I am out of that relationship!!
I was living this way, not letting him get to me by finding my own protected space, with work, friends, hobbies...BUT he managed to emotionally assault me out of the blue with insults out of nowhere when I least expected it. I'm in the process of divorce now. I cannot live with myself KNOWING I have settled for emotional abuse
There is only one reality. It's called reality. Truth is the light.
It's not a relationship..its a system
Well Dr Ramani you just explained my life and the stage of rage,abandonment, taking a new career, smearing to family, strangers and whoever would listen.
Found out I am one strong woman . Hugs y''all ❤
Recovering from narcissist abuse is a long and painful journey. I was made to feel like everything I said and did was wrong, I was the "dramatic one", the one who "thrives" on conflict. I made the mistake of telling him that my mental health was being impacted. He denied having any impact!
Excellent! Five years with an excellent therapist and Dr Ramani, and other work, I am self loving and narcissist free/repellent. Life is so beautiful now. In my 50's; never too late. Thank you Dr Ramani❤
I need this courage also
I am in my 60’s now seeing this…
I'm starting to love the videos when you make the narcissist sound like a terrible fool... its like ok, someone else understands.... the crazy selfish scenarios you expose... I love it... soooo satisying.... more more more! thank you Dr Ramani!!!!!!
btw I have this on loop... its running all day....over and over... as she has her episode today and as she screams she hopes I die driving tomorrow... but guess what? I'm at peace... why? because I have Dr Ramani.... bless you Dr Ramani!
They are fools. We see right through them. They're transparent, childish, annoying little weasels.
@@semmaville To counter, I hope you have a delightful September trip tomorrow in sun and find lots of happy and enjoyable little stops along the way. Screw her.
Yes! And I love Dr Ramani’s hilarious impersonations!
Oh! It’s SO true about setting boundaries and then being accused of being controlling! Whenever I have to enforce a boundary with my mom, she IMMEDIATELY says, “don’t lecture me!” Of course, because it’s all about her and she literally cannot discern between me establishing or upholding a boundary, and me “lecturing“ her about something that’s ostensibly none of my business, (or like I am the one overstepping, not her) that’s the level of enmeshment she has tried to inflict on our “relationship.” You’ll notice too, that it’s also a typical ploy they use to what I call “turn the tables” on you and deflect whatever you say back at you as if they have just been wronged. Honestly, if they had put half the effort into positive work towards improving or developing real, healthy relationships as they do with all of their devious machinations, they might have been able to be truly happy.
They are fun to be around when they’re trying to scam you. Just be aware and keep them at arms length.
Thank u so much for all your healing wisdom.
With my narc mom it seems she hates everything that I do unless she approves of it or it's something she would do. But most times it's like I can't do anything good in her eyes. She'll tell me to dress appropriately and cover up then will get mad if I wear baggy old clothes or sweatshirts. But will get mad if I show any skin at all and tell me I'm slutty. She'll complain that I never go out with friends but when I do she tries to talk me into staying home cause she doesn't trust them or fears I'll be in danger. She raged at me for being dependent on her (even though she raised me to be) and said that I can't let her take care of me for forever, but when I started doing things for myself without anyone's help, she'll be in tears and say, "It's okay to have family help you. You're getting this independent woman thing from the Internet." She and my dad pushed me into the medical field. She never told me to choose a degree I loved or wanted and was quiet when I was confused in college. Then when I told her I regret my degree, she told me it was too late to get another degree. The other day she switched her tune and said, "I knew all along that wasn't for you. You could've gone back to school and gotten another 2 degrees by now " then when I told ger I plan on going back to school for a master's degree she changed her tune again and said, "That's fine if you want a degree but once you find a husband, you'll probably stay home and take care of the house (not that that's bad. I do want to be stay at home wife but with a side hustle or job). Then she does this thing where when we watch a movie, I'll ask her what movie she wants to see and every time she'll say, "You choose. Anything's good." So I stopped asking.Then she'll rage at me later and say, "You're so selfish and spoiled. You never let me pick the movie." I cant ever win. Are all narcissists so two-faced and twists everything?
What, are you 15 years old???
This is exactly what I deal with!
She still rages that I got my Master’s back in 2018 and she dropped out of school to look for a husband (my Dad). I wasn’t doing all that. I love love, however, I needed to be able to take care of myself.
@@karlabritfeld7104It’s called narcissism and she’s on this channel to learn, not to be picked apart. 🙃
@@karlabritfeld7104it took me to become a parent before I fully saw it and put my foot down. Once you know it's for life so keep the guard up or get away
So sorry. It's horrible. I found the same thing with my narcissistic mother. Can't win. Hope things get better for you.
My mother was one (also my sister and daughter) but strangely enough I knew she was wrong from a young age. I liked myself and couldn't understand why she critisised me so much. It made me sad though and looking back I realise I had been depressed all my life. Nearly 70 now and some advise I was given 20 years ago, through therapy, was that if I didn't like what was being said, to just walk away. I never realised I could. Crazy really, something so simple changed my life.
My mere existence irritated my former boss. She also did not care about others. On one day, regarding a patient who asked to see me as a specialty provider, she said "well, how sick can he really be if he can make it to the clinic for an appt?" She expected him to wait 6 months for a new referral. The patient had cancer and was in hospice. He lived 5 mins from the clinic, his daughter would bring him in his pjs in a wheelchair because the particular healthcare I provided helped him feel better and sleep better for a few days. She didn't give a damn
Bless you @chistine2175, We love you,…..lord will continue to bless you,……thank you for sharing,….One Love 💕💜💕♥️💕💜💕♥️💕💜💕♥️💕💜💕♥️💕💜💕♥️💕💜💕♥️💕💜
What I’m dealing right now with my family. It’s starting to become too much.
Same here
Same here. Dr Ramani’s video was posted just in time to validate our experience!
He tried but he couldn't break me. I'm just so happy that I found your page bc I was wrecking my brain trying to figure out what was up. And now I know the patterns and signs so I don't even engage with these ppl. And very true they eliminate themselves.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your skills and tools with the public here on youtube. You are saving me hundreds if not thousands of dollars on a local therapist. God bless you, Dr. Ramani!!!!!
The biggest thing i can think is simply having the freedom to be myself
Yes, yes, and more yes! You're spot on, Dr. Ramani! Thank you so much. I've rejected a narcissistic sibling and now love bombs me to no avail. She gaslighted me all my life. She hates being ignored! I no longer accept her house party invitations and she hates being ghosted! I feel secure, protected and safe from harm because the narcissist no longer has access to me. There is permanent no contact. I've since exited social media. I'm enjoying my empowerment to the fullest. Checkmate! : )
Absolute Checkmate ❤ Well said ❤
Always maintain a perminent no contact with her for she,s not worth your time.
You go, girl! Happiness can be had! Don't look back, don't lose momentum!
So true. Finding myself and fighting the shame after growing up in narcissistic family has been " taking a minute". Setting boundaries with narc mother just gave her ideas where to attack me first. No contact was the way for me and life is beautiful. I'm so thankful for these videos. So much knowledge and practical advice. Thank you so much Dr Ramani ❤️
Agreed. Mention a boundary to a narc and that is the first thing they will try to violate. I am starting a new job in a week after leaving a narcissistic workplace. I'm thinking of weeding out who are narcs by mentioning some decoy boundaries ("I really hate it when people ask me about how I spend my free time" "I prefer people to TEXT me and not EMAIL me" "I prefer people use my full name rather than the shortened version") None of these things I would give a fig about but the narcs will be quick to violate in order to get a rise out of me. They can identify themselves early.
@l.5832 wishing you all the best in your new job and weeding out narcissistic relationships. Stay strong.
Currently watching my ex Narcopath have a complete meltdown in our small town because I got enough and walked away. It’s been rough and sad but gives me validation I made right decision to get him out of my life.
Wow!!! I was taken to divorce court about 5 times over 35yr, then I said “That’s it I’m done, and if you don’t stop getting in the middle of our kids and me and turning them against me that’s it!” And I had had enough. I have a very good and loving relationship with my adult kids and it gets better all the time.
Thanks for spending your time helping us.
Blessings
You can get a system of coexistence when you set limits but this escalates when the situation changes ( income, work issues, extra money, children which require attention..)
There is no (co-existence); not in the long term.
Your limits will become their battle grounds and they will NEVER leave you alone.
Co existence is basically (another 5 years) of conflict until you leave for good.
Why? Either you are too weak to leave them or they are too weak to find other supplies. Either way it's not healthy.
@@thomaspan6514 that is true but the problem is it takes a while to realize what is happening. For me it was entering a depression which caused me to realize either I do s th or I will stay depressed the rest of my life and I left.
@@Cleomauser good for you to leave. One will be slowly choked to death in that kinda relationship.