The difficult path out of a narcissistic relationship
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- Опубликовано: 18 июл 2021
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
After you leave, the fog will eventually clear and the dust will settle . . . and you'll find yourself again. Sending encouragement and well wishes to anyone who's considering leaving.🌼
In my situation-it took a long time for the dust to settle. First, I had to get used to feeling safety. I'd never felt it before. I always lived waiting for the shoe to drop (parents, siblings, extended family all narcissistic, plus religion/cult).
Now is the time to DISCOVER the self.. at 42 i ended an abusive marriage of 22 years.at 46 I cut ties with my narcissists parents. At 46 I found myself in another narcissistic relationship & realized my bff from age 9 was, too!
Here I am @ 49 and I'm now learning who I am, what I like, and what I want to be.
Leaving was the hardest thing and best thing I ever did!♡ rehab has been hard -but it was 46 years of abuse and programming. It has to take time to rewrite shit programs.
Thank you
Abused for 2 yrs and I am just no contact... And mostly grey rock... God save all...
@kristin S
💯 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏Absolutely!
Living Proof!
💞
Thank you for your kind words of support. I packed a bag and left. Can’t wait to start feeling like myself again. ❤️
"I dont know who needs to hear this but accusations from a narcissist are actually confessions" - stefan szczerba
Always.
Oh that is so true. I see this everywhere, some left-field accusation and then you come to find out that person/group is making plans to do exactly that. Or they already did it.
🙋♀️ I thank you.
Like cheating I always got that I always had a boyfriend somewhere
Oh that takes me back,heh.
It was scary to leave, but scarier to notice how little I recognized myself anymore. It's been 4 years since I left, and after spending dedicated time to heal, I am doing great! Please know it gets better 🌻
Thank you 👍am struggling 😭 ur words gave me hope 🙏
Boy I need that encouragement
Yes it will! Thriving here as well after 1 year no contact (and 2 years of ‘push and pull’ after breaking up). Make a list of all the things big and small that were/ are abusive. Reading this as soon as you are noticing you are focusing too much on the good stuff will help you in the end to break this traumabond. And go get professional help from a coach/ psychologist who is specialized in narcisstic abuse. Bon courage everyone💪💜
I am terrified.🙏🏻
Eish m here 7yrs only realized last year I'm in a toxic relationship
Im in a 9 years of marriage with a narcissist,finally I decided to walk away.I’m starting to removing myself slowly,pls god give me the courage
You have 2 choices: leave, or stay. You want to leave. Now, you need to take action. It's not easy... BUT IT'S 100000000% PERCENT WORTH IT.
YOU are the only one who will have the courage. "god" created that abuser. "god" didn't stop the abuse. "god" is a narcissist himself, demanding how he is to be loved, and publicly humiliating his child for the amusement of others (crucifiction to 'save' everyone else except his son....).
YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH ALREADY, WITHIN YOURSELF.
YOU ARE ALREADY WORTHY OF PEACE.
You simply need to choose, AND take action.
@@pseudopuppy160 10000000% !! Thank you for writing what you wrote. It Resonates with me loud and clear! Thank you!
Same here I’m 27 close to 28 years in , and can’t take it any longer. She just fell asleep while watching this video. If it was her little dark divorce court shows , she’d be wide awake
I will keep you all in my prayers praying for more courage & self love for us all. We want our inner joy to return ! 🙏🏼❤️🔥🎶😇🕊️💫
Ameen.
To all my fellow narcissistic abuse survivors: We need to be there for ourselves. Time takes time. Stop watering dead flowers. Give yourself a big hug. This isn’t the end of our lives, it’s the beginning.
🙌🏾
I like what you said, “stop watering dead flowers.” I can relate to that.
"Stop watering dead flowers". What a brilliantly simple way of putting it.
🙌
"Stop watering dead flowers" wow.
How do you unlove someone whom you loved? That's why it's so hard to leave a narcissist. And here's the sad part, understanding they never loved you back...😞😞😞💔
It took 21 years until she chose to attack me. It was very hard prior to stop loving them whole heartedly. Trust me the pain of loosing someone even if they were toxic is much better than what I had to endure. It’s still hard for me too but I’m learning that being alone is the upgrade. Stay strong.
It gets better but it takes time! I promise ❤️
Yes, I'm fresh out 13 days! I get a little bit sad that what we had was fake on his end although he swears he loved me and still does. I morn the potential and only believe the actions which unfortunately say he never loved me. I think facing it will aid in the healing process.
Yes. It's really hard. I know I will love him till I die. I took care of him like a child. I still want him to be happy. I know I am a mess. I know I was not loved. I need to constantly remind my self to what he said and how he said and his hatred towards me. These people are so difficult to undrstand. But I know he never loved me. Do I know for sure? I don't know..and that is the difficult part for me
What is even harder to understand is that they never really existed. They were just mirroring you. In essence, you fell in love with yourself. Let that be a good thing - for the next real person who actually deserves you.
"having to completely disconnect from your true self in order to survive" resonates deeply. Exactly my present situation and it goes against ever fiber of my being of authentic self. When you come out of the numbing "trauma bond" coma and realize how much of your true self has had to stay hidden to "keep the peace", it hits you like a ton of bricks.
I love your comment,I'm there now.He couldn't break me.
A ton of bricks!
Yes you are right …..the pain is horrendous.
I was not prepared. The emotional anguish and loneliness has been excruciating.
My BEST advice: Take it one moment at a time and be gentle with yourself.
It is very hard but it doesn't get better 🙂
Loneliness. When your ex runs a smear campaign to your adult children and all your friends. Excruciatingly lonely. Look for good people. Join yoga groups and spiritual folk to get you through. People who treat you gently and don’t expect anything back. So nice to make friends with people who don’t have a hidden agenda. 💗
sign up on meet up to do all the things you enjoy, there is so much to do there if you choose too you won't be lonely, volunteer go help people who need help etc do not let the narcissist robe you of your life when they aren't even with you
So true, it is an opportunity to find spiritual sustenance. Quite astonishing how unprepared I was for the simple kindness of other people with no hidden agenda. It takes a long time to recover from the trauma and the expectation that something bad will happen - but slow and steady does it. I am re-learning that I am a good person and people like me after years of being told otherwise.
I wasn’t prepared either. Went through the wringer. Maybe I still am a bit, but it is getting easier. Take care, everyone xx
I am 1000% convinced that the biblical reference of the devil is the description of a narcissist.
There is no biblical reference to purgatory. That's a Roman Catholic invention.
Once you have crossed paths with a true narcissist in any significant way, you come to realize that evil exists. And evil is the absence of soul - and truth.
I would agree with you except the purgatory. Do not pass "Go" do not collect the $200 dollars, go straight to hell.
The opposite of love, is the prideful narcissistic characteristics that do not know love. Yes it is a satanic evil since the garden of Eden, of which the lies and manipulating was a part of man's disobedience. The evil one is also called the "accuser of the brothern". Doesn't that ring a bell...
Excellent comparison!! I honestly left my zealot mother & stepfather and felt like hell wasn't even a threat anymore. I'd lived in it with them. They are creators of hell, itself.
@@joshsimms5697 if purgatory doesn't apply, the op did offer "or devil."
*"Nothing is sacred to them."* Well finally someone said it.
I’ve been a week with no contact.. he tried sending me flowers with notes to get me back..called my friend. I have my times of crying then happy times but I know it’s for the better. I miss the good times but there was always some BS. I knew all the red flags prior to the relationship but still went in. Having no contact is hard kind of but I’m praying it will get better
Disrespect is your closure: my therapist said this and it made perfect sense 😊
Your therapist is brilliant :).
Yup!
Wow! This comment makes me feel better. I never thought of that before. Thank you, it helps me so much.
That actually makes sense. Thank you!
@@christinehayes1475 my pleasure, and glad it helped others too :)
If you are brought up/ taught to ignore red flags you won't understand what is in store for you with the narcissist until you are entrenched. Trying to get out - you will a pay huge price. HUGE!!!!!!!
You'll get the best payout after all that bs, tho. ♡
Am paying my price dearly
I didn't know about Narcissist Red Flags!
Double Binding
Deflecting
Gaslighting
etc.
I thought what you see/hear was what you get!
Narcissists are a one man/woman "horror" show!
Detaching from these "toxic" people will be the best decision you've ever made!
You'll see!
🤗👏👍💪💞
@@ruthiebrenda4595 Me Too!!!!! 😑
@@teal1010 I knew about narcissists as I had been in an off on relationship with one for over 20 years until it finally ended. I then met another narcissist obviously not knowing he was one in the beginning, I started to have doubts and looked into it more, I never knew about all their traits, love bombing, gaslighting etc. But this one was so much worse than the previous one, I got physically ill as well as mentally, my hair started to fall out I kept trying to end it, but kept getting drawn back with the love bombing etc. I am now no contact and hoping it stays that way. They are evil people and I am happy staying single forever after this experience.
I left my narcissistic husband of 19 years with 3 kids a month ago
It feels like I’m never gonna get away from him. I’m so entangled. I hope we can all get thru this & see each other on the other side
Wow! We have very similar stories.Also married 19 years with 3 kids…together for 28 years. I consider myself to be still young, but I definitely don’t feel like it! I left 3 months ago and have been fighting to get my life back ever since. It feels like this nightmare will never end. Everything Dr. Ramani describes is EXACTLY the truth. I wish this torture on no one. I thought once I left, it couldn’t/wouldn’t get any worse… WRONG!!! Wishing you the very best of luck and life friend!
If theres kids its gonna be hard to leave them
Always a contact...they still hsve a hold on u
Update pls
Did you survive
I hope that you and your kids are doing well and on the healing path ❤
It was actually the biggest psychological fight of my life. Been 2years, I'm still healing.
Been no contact with him since Jan 29 2022, I had a "sense of loss of self", I didn't know who I was, everything was unraveling like I was blind the whole entire 2 year relationship. He was 2 faced, lead me on, compulsively lieing. Used me, gaslight me,cheated on me several times with several girls. I WAS BULLIED MULTIPLE TIMES!!!! && I knew it, asked him and or his friends, they denied it while laughing as they make-up a lie to cover up the bullying. I was mocked, laughed at, talked bad about me behind my back, made fun of me and left me out and left me places in general.
@@brookewicik799 The same happened with me. Aftermath of it is so bad that I am still depressed most of the time even though I no more think about him. But I lost my voice, my self confidence and I am always on the lookout as if the world is out there to hurt me.
They ruin you so bad!
@@nupurjain4867 definitely the biggest psychological fight I've ever encountered as well. Horrible. Just adds to my CPTSD, yay 🙄😒
Going on 3 yrs here myself. Same for me, i got so tired of the fight and thankfully to god i didn't give up. My friend (now husband) didnt let me just give up. His entire family backed me. Now I'm one of them.
The moment narcissists sense that you are about to leave, they will treat you REALLY nice. If you stay they will come back their narcissistic pattern. If you go, you will have a lot of guilt and doubts.
I haven't had one ounce of guilt
@@karishort1891 I wish I could let go of the guilt. I found his personal ads looking for causal hookups while we were married and I still feel bad for kicking him out. So frustrating
The guilt and doubt a definite
how to let go of guilt?
WOW! Thank you so much for this! I NEEDED this reminder!💞🙏💞
Your RUclips channel is seriously saving lives. Me and my children would be so destroyed going through my current divorce without this help. Words can't express how grateful I am!
I agree
DITTO!
The purpose of my life , for over 10 years of litigation, in which I was always the defendant, was getting away ...I still consider it one of my greatest accomplishments
She is absolutely awesome! I only wish there would’ve been Dr. Ramani and social media 30 years ago. I’ve only started to grow and become the person I used to be about five years ago! Carry that burden and trauma all of this time. Stay strong fellow readers and victims
She’s helping me and my kids leave too. Thank God for this woman
The narcissist's lies about me to other people has destroyed a lot of my friendships. This makes me so mad but what angers me as much is that those 'friends' Believed those lies about me.
Hugs Time for new friends
I had worse that that. My narcissistic girlfriend actually accused me of rape to a friend. I was lucky that the police were not involved but that was the time I had decided to leave the relationship
Some of the ones I thought I lost, eventually saw the ugly truth I lived every day. Now his own family only tolerate him when required. They hit me up to relax and have fun with, not him. He hates that they love me. My replacement really hates it but idc
'friends' is 100% correct. It's shit when you realise the lack of intelligence of those we chose to have in our lives, when they are dumb enough to not recognise a narc's lies. Sorry this happened to you, because the feelings of betrayal sting. You are absolutely better off without gullible folks like that. I hope you're doing well, and have better people around you.
@@paulchristopher8634 this isn't meant to be a "yeah, but I had it worse" competition. You have literally ZERO idea of the details of @tomgabel5176 's situation... and yet you're here trying to 'one-up' them...???? Really? Sorry the spolight wasn't shining on you enough to feel heard little guy.... maybe you should find your own. :)
My 35 year marriage ended with my husband being removed from my house by the Sheriff's department. It was a nightmare! I am so grateful to have people like you to guide me through this. Those were the most horrific weeks of mine and my children's lives.
We are happy and safe 7 months later and he is living in a tent. It is no longer my job to tell him what to do.
That was how my marriage ended. I hope you're ok now
Woooow!
my narc filed cross file when i filed lied they removed me abuser wins in court no consequenses false statements when i had proof .
sorry... what???? You CHOSE to stay for 35 years... AND have kids.... AND actively force them to endure his abuse.?? ANd you think THOSE weeks were the "most horrific" of your childrens' lives??? Seriously? Not the YEARS of abuse you allowed your children to endure. Those years aren't the "most horrific"... but LEAVING THE ABUSE is the worst thing....? Wow.... just... wow...
What do you do after 50 years of emotional and verbal abuse/neglect when you can't afford to go anywhere? He now shows signs of dementia. I have no powers of attorney, don't know where he banks, don't have the combination of his safe etc. If I leave, I will be the deserting spouse and may not be entitled to part of the house or belongings. His dementia is not bad enough for him to be committed yet and who knows how long that will take. I wish I had known about Dr. Ramani a few years ago when I still had more strength to act but I am ever so grateful to have found her at all. She makes me feel less alone. Her videos and books have been a source of strength and insight.
²⁸aug: "when there are more tears than smiles, leave. When there are more fights than jokes, leave. When it hurts more than it feels good leave. They don't have the right to destroy you just because you love them. And loving them doesn't mean you have to stay."
- ʟɪғᴇ ʟᴇꜱꜱᴏɴ
DO NOT SMILE in front of the narc
Great comment...
So well put !!! thank you!!! that was my 33 year marriage 😭
@@jodieluker6902 or show your happy they will destroy that feeling in some way !!
Wow this is the story of my relationship. Yup when it hurts more to stay then to leave.. Big red flag to get away asap.
Though it's painful, one of the best ways out is when the narc discards you 😐
I didn't understand at the time, but being discarded was the kindest thing the narcissist ever did for me. Unfortunately the smear campaign goes on...
Except for the part where they attempt to take everyone you ever cared about with them … being older now it’s more challenging to start over building new relationships to replace family and friend narc enablers. But I get why it is often necessary.
Yea haopen to me best thing that ever happen to me
So painful and I feel tossed aside
@@cazadoo339 stay strong it geta better
I got out after two very worrying sentences. One was told to a roomful of his family and friends on when we were having kids, "I'm trying but she won't lie still. " I was mortified. It wasn't a joke, but everyone else laughed. So gross. And the next was after a fight and as we were going to reconcile he said as an opening line " I get why some men hit their wives." Turns out he said that secondly line often at gym amongst the guys. No one called him out. Petrifying. I was out of that within the week- 3 months into marriage. I'm glad I got out so soon. I had really supportive friends and family, which surprised me. Just made me realise he'd created a mental cage for me, but I could choose not to stay in it.
Yeah, people like that rely on the enablers "Oh it's just a joke!" and "Guys just have edgy humor, they don't literally mean it." So sad. But WOW just THREE months?! You're an anti-narcissist beast. I'd be in that nonsense three YEARS. Congratulations on being so dang quick about it. You did good, friend. You did good.
@@C.Church thanks! Its hard. I only found these videos afterwards. But they've really helped me understand what was happening. And that I wasn't going insane.
I applaud you! I am so glad you shared this, I am delighted with how smart you are! I was so fortunate, after two years of much confusion, and much crying, the man who was living with me told me he was a narcissist. I had no clue what that meant. A week later he left me, and I looked it up on line. I was then terrified, as I realized the accidents I had during that time were not accidents. I went complete no contact, but for three years he hovered, harassed, tried to ruin my reputation, had me looking over my shoulder and in the bushes, (which he did pop out of once). I think I have a guardian angel because I never suggested we go hiking during those two years. When I went to therapy, she asked if I had been financially ruined, or how much money I had lost. Thankfully, I was very private in that area. He paid half the rent and expenses with a check. I later found out that if I had been the one to ask him to leave, he never would have, legally I could not kick him out because he was paying rent! I slipped out through a crack! I am always so happy to hear when other women get out fairly quickly and with minimal loss, so thanks again for your story!
@@lindaspiess3545 Ah, yes, my ex and I liked to hike. Good thing I was a "good girl" and was a financial benefit to him while we were together. I left while he was out of town, because I was starting to sense something scary in him. I ended up agreeing to work on the relationship long distance. A year later I found out that he illegally took a life insurance policy out on me (I received the bill). Luckily we didn't go hiking on his visit before I cancelled it. I was with him for almost 20 years before really realizing he how truly evil he was.
@@goldieh7121 Yes, I think they fantasize about how you'll suffer, then be gone, and they will have been so smart to get all the money. I am sure my ex would have done it to get money, but he also would have pushed me off a cliff for the attention, drama, sympathy. But, then, he would be afraid, too, what if he were to get caught? They fear jail, and prison. Thank goodness you found the life insurance policy, I really believe it is easier for us to accept how evil they are when we have a piece of concrete evidence looking back at us.
When I finally quit my highly toxic job, my narcissistic boss threw a horrible tantrum that had never been anticipated before. Narcissists are bitter losers. To them, losing is a near death experience. Narcs sometimes kill their victims to avoid being abandoned. Beware, narcs are dangerous people.
Sociopaths and psychopaths have strong narcissistic traits, very dangerous indeed
yep, its very true, they would rather you are dead, your existence is an "attack" on their false self and fantasy world they created - they rather get rid of you than face themselves , sad f..ks
Yes, they can kill you, they sure can.
The stalking and vindictiveness of the raging narcissist when you leave them is the hardest part
I know what you mean that's why I always went back it just felt easier to stay to avoid dealing with the stalking and harassment after you leave them
I'm a therapist myself, struggling with an abusive narcissistic mother, and everytime i'm depressed or hopeless I always come to Dr Ramani's videos. You're an angel, Dr, your empathy, intelligence and kindness are brilliant. Much love and respect from Brazil.
Don't give up❤We need therapists like you fighting the good fight and using your therapy super powers to gain the tools, knowledge, and insights to help heal all your patients through your struggle, your empathy, and your narcissistic abuse survivor to thriver experiences! Thank you for all that you do in the mental health battle field!🙏🌼Your narcissistic mother is inadvertently giving you more ways to resonate with others with narc moms who don't have the psychology black belt degree to back ourselves in psychological warfare defense :(
The fact that you can admit as a therapist that you go through things with people like this also and turn to someone else to continue to learn and grow, you're an awesome therapist!!! One I'd like to have
Only the person who actually experience this can truly help others. Stay strong.
It's somehow sad that even therapists still are suffering from a narcissist parents abuse (with all the therapy you yourself have been through before becoming a therapist). . On the other hand it's a bit calming to know, that we are all the same. Schema therapy helps me a lot right now. Healing the hurt child inside of me..
I do the same. When I’m feeling down or lost. I come right back to Dr Ramani and listen to a. Few of her recordings it gets my mindset back on moving forward and healing.
I got soooo lucky he left!!!!!! I refused to marry him. He would have driven me crazy and have me committed and he would have taken possession of my fortune. He loved bombed me for 15 months and I enjoyed myself and yes I fell in love. But in the back of my mind, way back there I just could not let go of the red flags. Also I had premonitions and I kept on postponing the wedding. Sure enough my instincts were right. Things happened I confronted him. He left. Yes I got the s…t storm. Yes I got sick and ended up in the hospital. Yes I got scarred. With the violence and death treats…….I went no contact. I discovered Dc Ramani. I anderstand the whole thing now. But the bottom line is: HE DID NOT GET ME!!! I feel blessed and I am laughing.
@BRIGITTE SHROPE
Thank you Brigitte for your reply.
Good for her too! She listened to her instincts!
My ordeal was 2 years. 35 years is a long time to deal with that a….le. God bless her.
So happy for you 😀 Well done ! These guys are nuts ! Not us !
I don't take revenge. But I will kick him in the nuts for you 😆
D
Michelle, you are so Smart, in so many ways! You did well!!!
It was haunting when you talked about those who stay and how they know it isn't a full life. When they exhale in the moments when the narcissists aren't around. I know that not everyone has the ability or luxury to leave, but hearing those words felt so dark and heartbreaking. May those people who don't have a choice, or feel that they don't have a choice, find peace and happiness somehow.
When I left my narc-ex, I almost felt physical pain. Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done and it was a battle to get out...but I did it and sure enough, the fog cleared quite quickly. It has taken years to get over him but I got out!
It’s the phycological damage that is the worse. It lives with you for years and years
The narcissist in your life is an out of control wildfire.
👉Consider all a loss👈 and save yourself before it consumes you. ❤
So well said!
@@dorotheemackenbach4808 Could not have said it better!
I walked away from all of it (30 yrs ) with nothing but a laundry basket of clothes.
I've never made a better decision in my life. I'm free for the first time ever.
And I'm loving it. ❤
Was just looking around at my home and all my things thinking “I’m going to have to let it all go”.
@@jodyayers4592 I’m at 30 years as of this past Monday. Of course there was no acknowledgement from him of this amazing milestone. I suspect that all this will simply have to be left behind.
I definitely got out easier than expected .He already had someone . His new supply while we were married and now the 2 are engaged .our marriage was legally dissolved yesterday . I'm still affected by the aftermath of being married to a narc.its quite a journey .
I tell mine he hates himself and binge drinks 'cause he doesn't know what to do with himself! I wish he'd two time me, cut your losses count your blessings! I hope you have closure, mine's 65 and ageing well as are his finances!
Hang in there. The aftermath is very painful. The truth will reveal how disgusting he really was. I have been out since Nov 2019. The amount of information that has been revealed is unbelievable. You loved him. You were blinded. He was never a good person and he never will be, regardless of who his next victim is.
I'm glad you managed to get out with less trauma than you might have had. Sometimes the universe relents!
Glad you got out.
I would pray for the new women because she is going to go through hell and back with him.. consider yourself lucky 🤗
Mine walked out in November of last year. It’s been hard but I am feeling so much better. I’m so thankful he left. He wants to come back. He’s sent flowers and cards but I haven’t responded to him at all. It feels so good to not be controlled anymore emotionally by him. I’m free. Thank God
I left my husband of 15 years a week ago. Without these videos I would be so confused and have so much more to unpack with my emotions. Thank you all for sharing and supporting each other in the comments. We're going to be okay together.
How is it going now? I left my husband of 24 years. He quickly moved on with another woman. We eventually divorced and I’m still shook by it all.
It's going SO well thank you Corrina! It's hard sometimes co parenting but I'm so glad I left when I did. You're not alone, it's a weird thing to share in common with strangers
It’s wonderful to hear that it’s going well. I get validation & hope from these videos (and from complete strangers in the comments). It’s nice to feel we are not alone in this.
Finding this channel was truly started the beginning of my healing. I'm so glad you've found it as well and I hope you find peace and grow from here 😊
Yes, I also left 11 months ago, just me and trent shelton. Now I discovered Dr R
The journey to get out of a narcissist relationship is almost an impossible quest, but that’s why we should feel like super heroes. We survived, we are wiser and become better human beings.
Super heroes indeed!
Yes!!!!
@@karamila82 I promise if you focus and have patience, you’ll be better than before. It’s not easy but you have to commit for a drastic change. Good luck!! Remember you are not alone.
Its like evil soul is in our body which we loved it like anything and we get to know this evil is not living our body we r helpless😞 and we only suffer😢😢
@@karamila82 yeah because you know in your heart you have to cut off at least one person and you feel mean or harsh meanwhile its like survival mode
Get them to dump you for being disinterested in them. Be honest, insensitive, but not cruel. Become embarrassing for them to take around other people. Whatever they're feeding on that you provide, stop providing it without explaining yourself or acknowledging you're even doing it. I've done some of these things subconsciously (I review my behavior in hindsight, usually) and it's gotten me dumped which was sooo much better than the drama. If you don't mind being dumped, I highly recommend it as an exit route.
Haha smart! I’m in the process of trying to get my best friend to become disinterested in me by me being disinterested in her by being too busy all the time and never calling her back.
Worked for me!
I have such less energy left.. I'd happily be dumped
@@annieshamim she left me Wednesday ,I told her if I had the chance to do it again I would.
She stopped attacking and let me go.
Don't let them know you want to get away.
This strategy works wonders !!! I can deal with rejection oh yes Indeed
When you leave minimize any communication with them. Use smallest amount of communication you can. Don’t even text “okay”, text “k” instead. Use all of your power to give them absolutely no insight into your emotions. Drive different ways to work. Be unpredictable. It will be hard, but not as hard as life with them. When my youngest turned 18 with great joy I could block the ex so the only way they could reach me was via mail (that I throw away) or if they drove to my house when I could call the coppers. I am so, so happy to be free. My life is peaceful. Also, when you can leave you will need to sleep. You’ll see keep like you never have before. Just sleep. You are worn all the way out. Sleep without guilt. Sleep like it is your job. You need to. ❤️You’ve kept peace for a long time. Make peace. Even if it takes a war to make that peace.
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🙏🙏
I'm gonna get a lot of sleep tonight. Thank you.
Thanks so much for your post. 23 yrs out 8 months. NC. Alot of flying monkeys. His grown abusive children. He is 70, the past 1.5 it has gotten worst since retirement. Before that he worked 5p to 8a. I worked 630a to 3p. Didn't share much time together until he retired.
Every holiday a mess a fight. His daughter abusing me physically. Divorce sept 22, now he will not put the only thing we have together. The house o
Up for sale. State's he has terminal cancer. Any advice?
@@cherylahanzel7540 If you have a trustworthy attorney, follow their advice but consider what you may spend for legal representation vs what you would receive from sale of home. It only ties you together if you let it. How much would you pay for peace? How much interaction must you really engage with him to sell the home? Some questions to consider. Some truths to consider: things are just things. Peace is worth A LOAD more than money. Lawyers should be handling division of property = not texts between you and ex. Detatch. A house is a thing. Hold everything in life with open hands.
@@JB-vk4zp thanks J B. I did let go and told lawyer do what you have to. Let me know, when I need to appear for divorce...thanks so much. J.B.
I was in a narcissistic relationship about 8 months, he was living in my apartment about just a month, when he started treating so bad, and then I asked him to leave. He basically said no, I’m not going. And he didn’t . It was a hell, a nightmare, traumatic…. yes it was horrible. I was terrified, I was very very afraid of him, I couldn’t even hear his voice anymore that I started shaking.
I’ve never been so insulted, humiliated and offended in my whole life.
But I did it!
I am so proud of you being to get out of this Toxic relationship! I've been out since the end of 6/28/22. I
💙🙏🏻💙
Wrecked or not I am so grateful to God for not breathing the same air as him today. I may be struggling financially but I am liberated and happy without his abuse, I now know true joy and its so good
Live your life Sandra! So happy for you 🥰
Nice and please, enjoy just carefully your life.
I planned “my escape” and set up an apt., then moved out while he was out. Divorce finalized, but 14 months later he still emails begging me to see him, come back. I have never responded or looked back. NO contact. Each person has their ah ha moment when you know you are dying inside and have to leave. It’s a journey back to our authentic selves. Tough but worth it!
I planned my escape for a long time, he left the country, I ran. I have never looked back. No contact. 13 yrs married, 17 months free and divorce finalized. Rebuilding my life one step at a time. But I am free and in a safe spot.
@@sjmnanna01 am planning to escape too am scared but I will because am tired
Thanks for sharing I’ve left but he won’t accept it. Using every angle to make me go back.
Yay !!! I love reading comments like these of the awolers thee escapeees !!! Show them how strong we are without them !!! Love it !! Cheers to you girlfrand :)
@@relaxingnaturesounds5489 Me too. I'm exhausted and there's so much to do if I leave. Just getting out of bed is hard, making decisions impossible. But I'm going to get counseling and hopefully some help with my needs.
I am sobbing into my hands so loudly like I have never had more of a raw emotion felt in my life.
Dr Ramani you are the voice that is going to get me through this overwhelming toxic time.
I really wish you really where sat on my coach talking to me right now.
This will be the 3rd time I leave a narcissistic relationship.
The amount of emotion coursing through me I'm sure you can imagine.
As the tears leave my sore eyes I take great comfort in knowing and believing that one day, when all is said and done maybe even many years from now.
But one day I will find myself again.
I will rebuild my love for myself.
I am so so thankful for your content and I wish you all the recognition and success for bringing light to what ultimately ruins alot of good innocent peoples lives. Because I could have been one of the many unfortunate cases that don't get to tell my story at the end of it.
I don't feel so lonely anymore.
You will get there ❤🙏🏼
How are you doing now? I hope well!💓
I feel you, hide your money or whatever blessings you have because you’re attracting these people … take care of yourself
My separation was nothing more than torture. All of abuse and toxic traits just increased a thousand fold. I wanted to die. I lived every day in searing emotional pain and fear. I just couldn't belive the escalation, I couldn't cope. Everything you said is spot on... some people go back just for a break in the torture. ☹
how are you now ?
ABSOLUTELY right on. And I wish legal advocates were better informed. I had to leave my own house out of emotional safety (and perhaps physical -- he hadn't done anything, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't have). My lawyers kept saying that it wasn't a good idea for me to leave him in possession. I finally said "stop telling me NOT to leave and start telling me HOW." BTW, ended up getting my house back and getting him out, but it was over a year after I left. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and this video is, as I said, right on.
My brother is going through this now, except the Narc is a women and oh my goodness, does the court really favor the women. He's spent thousands trying to divorce and get his kids but the courts just keep believing her
Yep
@@annayudin290 I’m so sorry!
They have no idea what is going on and often put victims and their children in very very dangerous situations. I cant tell you how many narcissistic men have killed their children and their exes lately during a divorce or custody battle, and the courts just hand them every opportunity.
Yup, unfortunately this is exactly what I experienced as well. In hindsight all I can say is that this experience is a good lesson at a high mental and financial cost. Look at the facts, do your homework, prepare before leaving and do not divert from the plan because the future is more important than any loss due to leaving.
They want to keep punishing you even after you leave. They typically will disinherit you. But that last final act is the most freeing of all.
Absolutely!!! You’re so right Linda! Their act of disinheriting is the final proof to us we needed that the gaslighting and all their cruelty could not break us prompting one final attempt from them to try and show the world WE were so bad they disinherited us but instead, we thrive, get our health, sense of peace, freedom and full footing back which in the end shows the world we were never the rotten egg.
Can you imagine one of their last thoughts and feelings leaving this earth on their death bed are thoughts of vengeance, control and bitterness.
How sad. Their actions at the end of their life is the testament as to who they truly were. 😞 So sad for whatever happened to make them that way.
Thanks for everyone's encouragement. My deciding factor was, "Am I willing to give him up, or my dignity?". The answer was simple, but wasn't easy.
Yes, simple but not easy at all. Plus...the trauma bond.
and which answer did you choose?
Simple but not easy
I lost myself in a one-year relationship with a narcissist. I knew I was going to leave him the last few months of the relationship, but I was waiting for the right time. I left him haven’t seen him in a week and trying to stay strong. This video helped thank you
Nothing like getting gaslighted for 10 years by a covert narc then discarded. After doing everything I could to save the marriage including two therapists, in the end she blamed me for the failed marriage. Boy, do I wish I knew what I know now. At least Dr. Ramani has helped me understand.
I got out in 1 year of my marriage! Nothing I did was ever good enough..in the end he discarded me and I am just in a middle of a divorce process. Struggling and helping myself to heal.
@@gunjasoni if there is one piece of advice I can give you is; you deserve to be happy. I wish you the best.
Sparky, we're your two therapists trained in narcissism? Because the narcissist can also gaslight the untrained therapist, too.
@@johncoleman2990 20 years w a narc and 15 plus years of me running around in the psychology field never once addressed narcissistic abuse.
By the end I had to die 3xs before someone took me seriously.
One sick Freudian psychiatrist told me my husband ran off w a young woman bc he was probably sick and tired of me. He needed a healthy woman and I needed to accept that.
The divorce proceedings were an utter nightmare.
3 years out and it's been the most painful experience of self discovery and the utter evil of what ive survived.
To this day the exe narc is stalking me.
Oh these people took everything.
At one point even my life hung in tnr balance 3xs. But I lived.
They couldn't steal my life my spirit my truth or my soul.
They might have taken so much amf they still may try to take more bc they hate I'm rebuilding, but they can't even take recovery from me.
I send you all such care support love and understanding. Big hugs.
Same...
This is especially tough when the narcissist is your parent 😭😭
They never go away. I’ve been no contact for a while and every now and then, I receive a weird text from him accusing me of doing something against him. Then a few hours after, hovering. Normal ppl realize it’s over and move on. Narcissists cannot accept that a person is no longer a fool for them and almost always goes out their way to get the ex to return or respond, even if it’s by force. Once I realized it was narcissism, I was completely done.
Thank God I wasn't married to my X narc....I'm broke,no car,starting over but I'm free. No contact is the only way for me,it's been 30 days today,I finally feel rested & I'm soaking up all I can from Dr R to heal.
My sister, a feminist, and her boyfriend, one of my best friends, stand with my abuser, my exhusband, a narcissist portraying himself as victim and me as crazy 😐 I wanna vomit more than I can say
I know that feeling. I felt like that for years as I have had serial narcs in my life.. but you will wriggle out from under them one day...and you will look back at your escape and be strong for that.
Flying monkeys
They can be so charming with other people. I feel for you but try and remember that they are now under his influence and you are breaking free, good luck
your sister doesn't act like one
They're all narcs; don't kid yourself.
It's amazing how diligent they are in trying to destroy you and your life. The abuse by proxy/smear campaign is absolutely amazing in my case.
"When it is so bad it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means that this is a hard thing to do."
Thank you ❤
god, i remember leaving my own narc relationship. it was a rollercoaster. from "lets just be friends" to subtle emotional manipulation: still calling me baby, still future faking (god! the future faking) etc. to me cutting him off completely and him still trying to text me to see if he can violate my boundary once more. one tactic they use after you've gone cold contact is to text you and add "you dont have to respond to this, but..." almost like they want you to pity them AND respond. you're damn right i wont respond. *block*
Or you're not being mature because I won't call him and his mom texting me I owe him that much to text him AGAIN and give him something to ease his soul because he is suffering and confused and doesn't understand why...
Excuse me are we talking about the same person here?…..never fails to amaze me the similarities in peoples experiences……one day after 100s of emails that I couldn’t block I broke and responded STOP CALLING ME BABY, got a 2 word reply “ok baby x”
Infuriating!
All I can say to those who find themselves in an impossible relationship with someone you love; they will never change if they are a full on lying, cheating or a grandstanding individual who knows how to mortify and manipulate you. You will ask "how did I not see this coming?" Because they built up your confidence and trust. They love bombed you. They did things for you. Then when they didn't get their way, they'd punish you. They'd lose their temper and intimidate you. If this is happening in your relationship, it' like being tied to a boat that is sinking. Plan your getaway. Write things out that happened that are out of bounds. Look at it every day. The other shoe will always drop, again and again. I've watched these videos in amazement that these types of selfish, immature and dangerous people can get that close to us to gain what they need. It's not because of your merits, friendliness or the way you look and act, but what they can extract from you until there's nothing left. Get out and stay out! (6 months of no contact, and healing....)
So right! Be strong 💪
So true, found that out the hard way
It has been 13 years since my narcassistic ex and I got a divorce. It took me all this time to realize that he was a narcissist and only through discovering your videos have I begun to understand what a classic case this was. In some ways Im glad that I didn't know before hand how hard it was going to be to leave because I probably would have chickened out and stayed. Looking back, he did me a favor by pulling all the skeletons out of my closet and exposing them to friends, family and coworkers. He taught me to face adversity in the face, hold my head high and keep on going, one foot in front of the other. I regret the damage he caused my kids during the divorce. I didn't escape without a beating and was fearful for my life for a long while but I no longer let him hold that power over me anymore. He showed me just how much strength I had inside me and I am grateful for that.
I've watched this video several times at different times in my journey out of narcissistic relationships. The line that hit hard today...we all saw red flags at the beginning and ignored them. I have someone in my life who I'm seeing red flags with. Thank you for the encouragement to not kick the can down the road and see if things get better.
If all the hate weren’t directed at me, I could almost be impressed by the amount of vindictiveness he has been able to amass.
Isn't that the truth?! After decades of carpeting his world… then the poison that he heaps upon me. He's been gone 7 years, even has a new wife, but it's just way too fun to continue to harm me. All the things I love, fear, cherish - all have been weaponized to grind me into nothingness. My pain puts a look of satisfaction and pleasure on his face. I pity him, having to live inside of that anger and ugliness all the time.
Emails at late night's... Oh god!
@@chriswyma145 Truth! It's difficult to explain to someone who has not seen it face-to-face. How do you explain such evil in a person, that they enjoy harming another? It's like a running a person over with your car, and backing up (over the body) to make sure you got them good!
@@janeloraine6231 The one who got away , but they don't want you happy
@@janeloraine6231 On true crime it happened...
Spot on throughout ! To disentangle completely and to be free, I elected for bankruptcy. I learned as I went, to expect no awards for heroism. It is a journey that ultimately is going from total destruction and nothingness to picking up one positive/meaningful piece of life after another, slowly climbing out of the abyss of emptiness to one that was much better than nothing at all, and being content with what I could reclaim within myself. Myself is my reward.
🎉YAY YOU!!!🎉🎊🥳
In the end what you sadly realize is it was a bankrupt situation from the outset as either consciously or subconsciously their goal is to destroy you. Best to pull the plug on your own and take back your power .. best of luck on your fresh start!!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry that happened to you. God has a plan and purpose for your life. You found this channel. That’s a miracle.
My first husband was a deeply self-involved narcissist (well, I guess they all are), and I was truly afraid of being physically harmed by him when I left him. Finally, he opened the door wide open for me to make my exit -- he had a flagrant affair with a woman we both new and told me these incredible and unforgettable words: "you will destroy our marriage if you don't let Pam move in with us." Turns out they had it all worked out. It was SO liberating! he put on a great act of being devastated when I told him that was intolerable and packed up my things. Actually, I think he was truly devastated -- he'd lost his "source." But the main response I had was the pure joy of being free!
I am in this relationship for 29 years, 6 children. Life has gotten so overwhelming and hard. I feel so out of control scared to make a move . The narcissist is gotten more aggressive and his tyrant traits are out of control. I am embarrassed to be here in this situation and looking so weak especially to my children.
I need to get my dignity back .
I am scared 🥺
I hope you're ok and have someone in your life who you can rely on to be supportive.
Similar here. 29 years in and 4 children. Raising children under these conditions is the hardest job in this world. You are not weak , this feeling comes from the weakness of the toxic father, but you yourself are strong. From all my heart I wish you find help. Please take great care.
Trying to make it on my own after 25 years. Ask the Lord Almighty ,He sees you,knows you. He will surely make a way. May Allah help you and make it easier for you. Ameen.🙏
This is exactly what is going on in my never-ending-divorce-from-hell. But, FINALLY my ex made a mistake so bad that the judge is paying attention and is not allowing it to continue. Without that mistake though, I don’t think that things would be turning in my favor. All of the things you have talked about happened. It has been awful but I would never go back!!
Narcissists "inevitably" run
🏃🏃into a wall!
Good!
He lived with another woman and told the court I was to unstable to be divorced. He wanted perpetual separation. He lied to his new supply that
I wouldn't divorce him, and I got my divorce in spite of it all and his new supply found out he was divorced when the kids told him I got married 2 years later.
As a kid, I went through 6.5 years of custody battle to get away from my narcissistic mother. Of course I didn't know there was a word for it at the time, but we all knew the stuff she would do. My dad went SIGNIFICANTLY in debt and that took even longer to get rid of, even with me helping to pay it off once I became an adult. Further legal trouble kept ensuing for about a dozen more years. I only found out about NPD six years ago, and it really helped me help my dad get over the constant blame he still drove into himself over the divorce. I'm guessing that's your kid in your profile pic. I guess what I'm saying is first that I personally know it will give your kid a worthwhile life. Second, don't forget to get yourself a little bit of help at some point clearing out any psychological after effects. It's for your life too. And hey, I'm glad you caught a break!
@Lisa Webb I'm curious, please share what mistake did your husband make that the judge noticed?
I’m in the same position with my divorce it’s so mentally draining and for ever constantly in a battle.
Once you block them, it’s the curiosity that is the hardest. We all know what happened to the curious cat. That’s been my biggest struggle so far. I'm moving on by picking up a few new hobbies, meeting new people, and keeping busy. This has been a huge life lesson and these videos have been my guardian angel!
U got it right!
I'm experiencing similar struggles.
Sending you strength and encouragement in your new journey, just as your post gave to me. Thankyou
currently dealing with my ex stalking me in sick and gross ways, but i'd still rather deal with this aftermath a thousand times more than staying even a day longer with him. thank you for all your work, it's been profound in me finding my sanity again 🧡
I was totally unprepared for the fall out of leaving that relationship. I had no idea how vindictive my ex-husband could be! Completely traumatized me, and the kids. Six years in and the healing is still taking place. Dr Ramani you are wonderful for helping so many people! God Bless you!!
i knew it was bad, but, it got much,much worse; i also knew he would never leave
I escaped 1 month ago from a 10-year relationship with my ex. The final straw was this spring when I had to say goodbye to my 16 yo pup. An hour before the vet arrived at our house he tried to convince me to not put Hollis to sleep when my heart finally knew it was time. His reason? He just wanted to make sure that he wasn't responsible in ANY WAY for my decision. He also tried to keep Hollis' ashes hostage when he realized I was going to leave. He came home when we were packing up and I had to leave a lot of things behind, but I had to keep reminding myself that everything could be replaced except me and my other pup. It took 2.5 years of therapy to get to this point, but every moment on my own has been so freeing. My chest isn't tight 24/7 and I can breathe for the 1st time in my life. The food allergies that I developed over the last 8 years to preservatives are slowly lessening. Even my dog is happier and more playful than before we left! This was the toughest experience I've ever lived through, but I'm finally living life my way and I'll never go back. Sending encouragement to anyone who's thinking about leaving. You are strong. You are enough. ❤️
When I left the narc, I left when he didn't think I could do it. Before I was financially stable, after having two kids, while the kids were babies You just have to bite the bullet and go, don't look back, get lots of help. The real psychological shitstorm started after leaving. So much shaming, guilting, forcefulness... Still ongoing because of parenting the kids, and of course, he uses the children for his supply. I've been in the middle making sure my kids don't become him. That's been my biggest goal, and more important than anything. Any time I try to put myself first, he vindictively activates and tries to guilt me. Currently going through litigation so I can live finally in the city I want to live in... and it's been 9 years since leaving him, built my career while having 80% parenting time. But guess what? I wouldn't trade my freedom for another second being married to that person. I don't regret my decision one bit. You may be scared, but you have to do this. You can't heal in this environment. As you become healthy, you have the resilience to deal with this. You cannot raise fine children in toxicity. Think about your legacy.
@Sandy Shines I had a lot of ambition previous to being with the narc, but lacked clarity on what or how to do it. At the end of our cohabitation, I was a shell of a person, with very little of the me I knew, left.
It was tough for me because I lost almost all my social circle after leaving him. At first I started with just finding some financial stability for our family of 3, and the more I did, the path became more clear. There was a lot of juggling of time, money, and other resources. Finding something stable at first is important, as that gives you the stability and the mental space to build what you want.
In a similar situation . I am so anguished that I ignored all the red flags and had a baby with my ex. Do you ever think that way, I should not have had a child with my ex ?
@@SummerHaze83 I have 2 kids. You mustn’t go down that thought route as that won’t help you. Love your children irregardless of their father . That love holds the key to your healing, which will lead you to your success.
@@JuliaCha Thanks for the response. "Regardless of their mother" in my case
You can be so proud of yourself!!!
Oh my heavens, Dr. Ramani, I wish I saw this video before I divorced my narcissist. It was the most horrifying battle, and I have been left ruined, both emotionally and financially. He got me fired from my job as a pastor, stole my church family from me, and manipulated everything he could to make sure I walked away penniless. Still, IT WAS WORTH IT!!! ❤❤❤ I can breathe again!! I have a shot at happiness!!! But you're right. It was an enormous battle; I simply wasn't prepared for it.
Thank you so much for your videos. Your wisdom and kindness are nutrition for my soul. 🙏❤️
My last relationship started with the "wait and see". It took me 2.5 years to leave! That will be the last relationship for me!
I'm still dealing with brain damage after my narc went into a rage and smashed my head 5 times. That was my closure. I didn't even defend myself with the flying monkeys, they were part of the "no contact" clean sweep of my life. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, these videos are helping me sort out my mind and reducing the spin cycles.
@@YouMessedUpDude Thank you💕
Sending Love & Healing.💞 So Thankful you got out and your safe now. Many Blessings to you🌷
Sending your healing hugs 🤗
@@dilciaenid57 Thank you
mine was violent in ways no one but I could see and he would have been more so if he were not so worried about his reputation ( something I helped build)
I am the one trying to leave my narcissist husband and absolutely everything that you described in your video is SPOT-ON. He has made my life a living hell…. I never knew hell on earth until I attempted to leave after 21 years of marriage and my life is literally upside down. He has done everything in the video and then some. I have aged tremendously and I’m fighting to stay alive. He has destroyed me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and psychologically. I am so damaged. Lord have mercy and save me before he devours me completely.
Big hug x. I know a little of how you feel xxx
I am sending you love and holding you in my heart. I empathize with your pain, I'm so sorry you are going through it. It's not fair, you don't deserve it.
I can promise you that if you ask God to give you strength to deal with your situation and believe that God will , you will be able to over come his abuse, I speak from experience because I am in the same situation, but God has given me the strength to not be bothered by him. I am working on my freedom plan, and I give all thanks to God. If God hadn’t opened my eyes I would have never know what I was dealing with, I almost lost my mind for 15 years, trying to figure out what was happening. Try asking God for wisdom and strength that’s the only way to you can deal with them without losing your self. Stay strong.
the last days of a trial-because he would not settle but blamed me for not settling...i ended up having brain surgery after breast cysts and uterine bleeding requiring intervention. please take time for mental and physical health,. i filed in 2005 and we were in court repeatedly until 2020. the ex is remarrying in a few weeks-apparently he wants a repeat experience.
Thanks for sharing, Mary. Hang in there, I too was married for 25 years, and I could never believe how badly hell felt until I left. I've been in therapy which has helped a little, but I really wish that some of the mental health therapist would get a better understanding of the trauma that victims and survivors of malignant narcissist abuse have endured and STOP invalidating our feelings and emotions by discussing the past hurts and telling us to "stop talking about it and move forward". I've been diagnosed with CPTSD and at my age never want to get into an intimate relationship with anyone ever again. I too have aged but determined not to lose my spirit, I won't allow him to have that kind of power over me.
I just left with my son. A 9 year relationship. It WAS that bad. I was very afraid of the rage at the end. He had a weapon. But my son and I stood our ground and got out. We lived in fear and are still recovering in a safe place. It wasn't easy getting out.
I can't tell people enough how important a safety plan is. Thank you for everything you do Dr. Ramani
I remember those text messages. They were horrible, leaving you to think how on earth can someone say things like this and not even be bothered afterwards. Lost a few friends too, because of her lying to them about me. Back then it hurted much. Now, looking back, it has been 7 years, I can say that i learned alot from it. Made me stronger.
The advice in this video is decades too late for me. For anyone else, please please please, listen and learn from Dr Ramani, this may save your sanity if not your life.
Don't feel bad, a lot of us could not understand or put a finger on what we were dealing with. I learned through therapy 2 months after leaving a Narc (after a 35 year marriage). I tell you this though.....oh what relief and peace that came over me after realizing i really wasn't crazy even though it did take a mental toll. With therapy and the support of my grown kids ( who he has now gaslighted), I'm getting mentally, physically and stronger each day while rediscovering who I really am. I pray you will heal and continue to undo what was done to you.
❤
Same. I needed it when I was 2.
My ex narc sent toxic messages to all my close friends and family when I went no contact. Luckily I expected it and was ready to let those people go. As a result I discarded the fake friends and the honest people remained in my life. I am very grateful. If it had not been for that experience I would have been with those friends to date.
I’ve had the wind knocked out of me so many times, in such a state of confusion because you thought you had seen the worst of it. NOTHING is sacred to them. They will cut deeper with their words than anything you’ve ever felt before. When you think you’ve become numb to every insult they could possibly throw at you, you will step into a comfort zone because you know how bad it gets and you know that you can survive it. Then they will take such a deep jab at you again by saying new things that you couldn’t ever fathom saying to your worst enemy. It will leave you flabbergasted, shocked to the point of physical ache, while they go in the other room and whistle a jingle like it’s just another day in the park.
Some of us lost every physical
Possession and dollar just to be able to walk away!
Get a lawyer who knows about narcissism, have a chat with them before you go ahead to separate, get your personal effects out and best of luck. I never spoke to my narc once I decided to end it.
A lawyer that know about type B personality. And domestic violence advocate.
@@clohue I was in Australia, a domestic abuse lady was attached to the police station and she pointed me in the right direction after a chat.
Yes! At a certain point you realize talking to them is useless. You might as well be talking to a potato. That is how little they care about your thoughts on anything.
Lol..you made me laugh today, Mrs. Potato Head 🙂
Julie, I’m glad that you were able to find such an attorney and that he or she seems to have spared you at least some of the onslaught.
When I was interviewing several experienced and well-regarded divorce attorneys in 2017, I asked each how he or she dealt with N.P.D. The common response seemed to be “I’ve dealt with all kinds of mental illness.”
In retrospect, I wish I had followed up and asked for better and more particular evidence. It may have helped.
But I doubt it would have been a panacea. As Dr. R. has said, narcissists are remarkably good at knowing just how much they can get away with. My guess is that they also seek out attorneys who don’t question them and who take a similar approach in their advocacy.
I would add that - at least in my experience - family court judges seem overburdened and may not have the luxury of parsing through your challenging the narcissist’s unceasing barrage of lies, gaslighting, and outrage. Judges may also be inclined to try to limit the draining of the family’s assets and rule the equivalent of “OK, just get it done.”
Even so, I think an attorney who genuinely understands N.P.D. may sometimes be able to make make a difference. He or she may also be able to help you assess the practical consequences and the financial and emotional costs of one approach versus another.
Fellow travelers, stay strong. I wish you the best.
I’m currently in this phase. It’s hard sometimes. So I stay away.
I promise it gets easier and man the leaving is worth it. I promise!
There is nothing harder than having to stand on your own 2 feet alone. No friends no family no one you can trust but you. But cutting off the abuse is the only way to move forward and heal. You only prolong you having to accept that they WILL NOT change. I created #USTOOEnough on twitter to be an outlet for what was happening to me. Now I am lone but not lonely. I have a peace that is absolutely undescribable. Peace is not boredom. On the other side of this is an exhale of "Thank God" it's over. I promise you that. ♡
Don't engage if you don't have to
Me too. I literally had to run away to another city!
'Thank the Lord' is my saying at least 100 times a day for getting out. God is truly great, for helping me to overcome this ordeal, even though, I left with no money, no family support and no job. I must say that I grew up with a narcissistic mother, and ended up marrying a man just like my mother. I wish I knew what I know now. Thank you for your videos, they are excellent.
Me too Nahid
It’s just as hard when they ghost you like you never existed
I always feel a disgust when I hear a notification from my phone. But I've faced everything by myself. I am stronger on my own. I refuse to live in fear of my narcissist. She is predictable, I am not.
This makes it so scary to walk away. I don't want this anymore but the aftermath is what I'm afraid of. HELP!
Be courageous, your freedom is worth it.
It's going to be ok. I left with nothing. But I'm not feeling like I lost it anymore. Try and find resources where you live. Domestic violence resources etc. I did. And I'm still struggling because it's so new. It's going to be ok. It doesn't look like it but it will.
I love the encouragement of this bunch! It's crazy how many people deal or put up with this. I'm so tired of it. I just want my life back
I totally get what you're saying. I was there. I took a leap of faith and now from the outside looking in, the fear made his threats look bigger than they actually were. I'm not saying that you minimize them but realize that the revenge will come and prepare accordingly. Relocate if you need to and go no contact completely.
@@lindahanna6577 you must know your worth and value yourself and learn to let go of these toxic people that don't serve you nothing at all, there's so much power in just walking away and don't ever let them stay rent free in your head 🙏
A struggle so worth the fight. While i. The middle of it, it was devastating. However, i have come out of it, better, stronger, more grateful and a better person. Narcissistic be damned, i am a tough one to kill
It actually was every bit as bad as you say Doctor, and then some. I'm grateful every day that I escaped with my life. He never was going to end that sick, sick situation. I tried to make him want too. It was all me in the end. It was every bit as bad as you say. I was cured of any desire to have any relationship ever again 7 years ago last May. I have no desire at all for future entanglement with a romantic partner. I really prefer the single simple life. I have more peace and have been happier these last years than I have been in a very, very long time. I regret almost nothing. I regret not having left sooner. Some people just deserve to be left in the dust.
💞
Feel the same way.
@@sjmnanna01 me 2
"They are losing something they believe they have invested in. ...and expect dividends from. ...if you leave, you will pay." Wow. Spot on! This is how they view the world ! I just wish they didn't expect "payment" for life. ugh... it's exhausting
Thanks Doc! *You cover all the things in a way that really struck at the heart of it for me. I kept going back over your points. They don't want to simply strike you down, they want to cripple you and watch you slowly bleed out for a lifetime. By any and all means. It is scary. Thank you and looking forward to the related video you mentioned.
"what do you bring to the table?" narc Q
@@seabreeze4559 lol so true.
The irony of this backwards logic is that I have poured so much growth tools, invaluable advice, patience, life skill help etc in trying to help them navigate through this disorder and they don’t register that. That means nothing. The investment has been made by me, I have poured LIFE into that man. Imagine doing that and then having them tell you that you’ve never done anything for them 😶 What Keeps me from being hurt by that comment is just truth… looking back to the monster he was four years ago, he’s a completely different person. I helped him work through SO MANY things that he’s actually able to be a decent human being 40% of the time. You’re welcome! What I have had to learn is that a pine tree can grow taller but it can never grow into an oak. It will always be a ticking time bomb with a narc, and even though they might extremely improve their behavior it’ll never be enough to be a good partner because it will always come down to the scorpion and the turtle… the scorpion will always revert to what he knows, manipulating you into carrying them across the River and half way through he stings you and you both drown, because they can’t help it, it’s just who they are.
If you do anything 'wrong' in their eyes you will pay
OMG - the “shame to vindictiveness” pattern - YES!
Thank you so much for this. So true. My fear for how bad it would be kept me in my miserable marriage for years. When I finally left it was even worse than I imagined. He went absolutely psycho. I had to get a protective order against him. It’s terrifying.
I only dated one for 18 months and yep, got bad enough to get a protection order. Scary stuff, creepy , weak sad people are these narcs.
Survivors are strong and adaptable in so many ways. 🤗🤗
You're assuming people know they are leaving a narcissist, or even what narcissism is. Regrettably, it is sometimes the behavior after leaving that prompts the person to go seeking answers to this toxic behavior, only to discover videos such as yours. Hindsight is 20/20 (unless you're a narcissist).
Insightful comment and funny you say that. Dr Ramani has a "hindsight is 2020" video about narcissists. 😁 But I would say narcissists do have hindsight, but you're right that it's not 20/20. It's more like 20/200.
You accidentally locked the bathroom door before closing it behind you.
Oops. You and they both work on getting it unlocked. "What a clutz I am."
They mentally log: "No one locks a door on ACCIDENT."
But they walk away not needing the bathroom.
You think all is well.
A month later in an eruption they accuse you of locking the door to make them pee/poo themselves.
"You are manipulative! What was that with the locked bathroom? You knew I had a stomach virus!"
20/200 for sure.
Very true! I didn’t abs I didn’t know what was going on until after I left and read about it
Yes, I have come across many people like that over the years. “Luckily” I figured it out after a year and a half of being in a relationship with one. I guess I’m an introvert and tend to overanalyse things sometimes, always looking for answers, wondering what people do and why. Or maybe because I’m highly intuitive. The whole thing stank from the start, I just wasn’t sure what of. Before that I had no clue what a covert narcissist was.
Exactly.. i wasn't even aware of Narcissism and have gone thru pull push game and mental torture for 15 years.. i was heartbroken when he suddenly announced he is getting married to someone else. He did not have any remorse or guilt. :(
Yes, spot on! That was my case…I didn’t know anything about narcissism until after I walked away from my marriage. It’s only by trying to make sense of what happened that I realized I was dealing with a narc.
#USTOOEnough. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Worth every cut scatch and bruise! Better off without them. I was never property, and neither are any of you!!!
I’ve been on “auto pilot” since the divorce, 2 years. I left the narc, but in all reality, he left me a long long time ago. I got really fat. I’ve just woken up, and have stopped eating the junk food, and am starting to feel happy and loved again. I want to get my old self back. I want to do better.
As an Empath, it took me too long to escape, but I finally broke the chains!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for always being there with your healing and professionalism.
When you end the relationship and realized that the relationship never existed, it was all in my mind
That's it. Exactly.
Very true!
I left when the disrespect got over my head- four months before our marriage. Been 8 months no contact- I hope it stays the same till I die 🙏
Thank you so much for this. I’m listening while I pack up my office and put my business into cold storage, literally. Business has been growing, but my marriage died when he caused a humiliating scene here back in November. I've been lining up my ducks for half a year: attorney, storage room, documentation. Thanks again, Dr. Ramani, for dropping this breadcrumb trail of videos.
Thank you, thank you for telling the hard truth about leaving these dangerous people. You’re a life saver. A. Life. Saver.
I dreaded leaving for years. Getting out was messy, traumatic, and two years later I’m still dealing with fallout. It has been incredibly hard but the relief I felt after escaping was indescribable.
well done!! I don't know you... but I'm so freakin proud. Stay safe, stay strong, and keep moving forward. Brava.
Once I understood that I am an addict to his chaos and drama. Once I took myself and my pain seriously, I knew what to do to heal: get sober.
❤
"...part of preparation is to know ahead of time how bad it's going to be when you decide to leave..." I left a 40+ year marriage exactly 1 year, 2 weeks, and 2 days ago after planning for a year and a half. It HAS been that bad and continues to go badly. But it is almost over. If not for these videos and "Should I Stay or Should I Go", the process would have buried me. My soon-to-be-ex has said/done nearly every single thing that was mentioned in the video. I was so worried that I was over thinking and over-prepared for the worst. And worried that the attorney would think I was a paranoid nut...but I have needed every single piece of documentation, email, and record. Every day brings a clearer head, a more settled body, and a slow recovery of self that was lost so many years ago. It is never too late. Best of luck to you who are in ALL stages of the process. Stay strong!
You're probably saved many lives that you don't know about Dr.Ramani. Thank You for your encouragement and knowledge. I've been watching you for quite awhile and I've been healing like I never thought I could. Im dealing with narcissist in my family that has become worse. You've changed my life. God Bless you. ❤.
Escaped a couple of months ago, and I am now in the process of divorce from a malignant narcissist who is an attorney. It was pretty shocking to realize that yes, I was walking on eggshells while there, and I still am. I have to avoid most of the support system I very carefully developed, because he knows who they are, watch where I go to make certain I'm not followed. None of them know my physical location. And yet ... The last time my therapist saw me he was shocked at how much better I looked, relaxed and happy. A bad day now is better than a good day there.
I left my parents when I was a teenager; I married in my 20’s and his family were Narrcissts: 38 years later my husband picked up where they left off: I am Now Free from all of them... the Battle was hard, I made the plan, I moved, I got people to help!,, These videos have helped me Thrive!, life is short.. So let’s get away from the ugly : and never GO Back!!!
I know how that feels. Married at 25 the father is a Narc and so is my husband just on a different level. He put me out and now we are going no contact...if he refuses counselling I want out...maybe he wants out without counselling, but either way I will be seeking ways to heal and thrive. It's a relief though because there are other issues like having to put up with his brother who is a drug addict and mentally ill.