The love of potential is one of the greatest downfalls and one of the biggest coping mechanisms. It's basically overpowering hope that things can be better inspite of a harsh reality. This only brings more pain as it false hope and a projection of an inner reality onto people who simply will never be that way. Learned this with friends and family, if someone is unwilling to change they will not change.
Self-centered, lack of empathy, unpredictable mood, always confuses you and makes you suspect that they hide something from you and lastly they lack accountability
@garycapili9193 It was precarious when he accused me of having a sexual encounter in a public loo with a random guy. I asked if he really thought I was like that. Made me feel like poop.
Yup. My soon to be ex husband was so open to talking about his emotions in the beginning. He made it easy to open up. I told him things I had never told anyone. And then the devaluation phase started, and he used everything I told him to totally discredit any negative emotions I had around anything he did. Even when it made zero sense.
100% My recently ex-wife was more than happy to use and twist every vulnerability, every secret, every childhood trauma of mine, and make up new ones, as a weapon in her rages, with absolutely zero hesitation.
@@Olivia-bl8ez absolutely. My soon to be ex husband was like that too. I was also too nice to him and said it once that I don't need any money from him and I can take good care of myself and he should be taking good care of himself (even i fully aware that I am entitled to half of everything we built) I thought he would feel bad for things he did to me and share 'something' with me after 21 years together. But that's when he used that against me and told me in various emails over 15 times saying 'you said you didn't want anything financially, but it doesn't feel right to me'. Reminding me for saying I dont wany anything but lift himself up for saying 'it doesn't feel right!' but guess what? so far he hasn't offer me anything, (that must feel so right for him!) just pure talk but no action. I had finally gone no contact with him when he said on his last email (after everything he's done to hurt me during our marriage), he said ''As it's your decision for us not being together, I think it is fair that you give me an amount'.
If you are chosen by a narcissist, it is because you are a good person. They choose you because you are so much better than them and they feel better if they can pull you down. So congrats to you! You are a great person an have so much to offer to the world! Losing them is dodging a bullet.
I don't necessarily think that narcissists target "good" people; they target people who struggle with maintaining boundaries and who have a tendency to put others' needs above their own. neither of those things automatically equate to someone being a good person.
@@KP-5928 I think they target good people. They want to hurt and control people better than them, because that makes them feel better. They get energy from bringing other people down. They really suck all energy out. Narcissist also hate younger people. They want to suck their youth out of them. I speak from experience. I have seen and experienced it very close…
#1 thing is they blame you for everything. #2 is they have no self awareness so they are always right. #3 is they never apologize for their personal attacks & rage.
THEY LIE AND EXPEXT YOU TO FIX IT ANDDD still trust them and care for them..and when theyre confronted about why its not working...we are made out to be the villain for how weve changed...leaving me feeling conflicted and resentful
I was on the hamster wheel for 23 years , giving him 110% . . . One day my eyes opened during a phase when he had reverse discarded me . . . He did this often assuming that I could never leave coz I had tolerated it for so long and I had gotten married to stay married . One day he came from work to find me gone . . . Its 2 years since I left . . . I dont know how I came out sane . . . It's been 4 years of insomnia , BP . . . But I am on the healing path now . I pray daily for God to heal my soul wounds and to heal the trauma . . .
@@nikicarrie4071 Nothing , he could do nothing . . . It was too late . . . And I told him in no uncertain terms that I was done and NEVER going back . . . I reached the wall . . . And I decided to climb over it and find my freedom . . .
Never ever any slightest "I am sorry". But: "You are so much overreacting ! It's always the same thing ! I am tired of it" Thank you Matthew, this is the most healing video I've ever watched on this subject.
Even if you do get an apology, they think saying the word “sorry” is enough when it obviously aren’t. Orrrr they’ll tell you “just tell me what you want me to say” so they don’t have to think about how to actually apologize, and instead can just know the magical words to say to you that’ll get you to stop talking about what they’ve done wrong It’s truly disturbing how their minds operate
Covert Narcissists do apologize... but they only apologize for things that aren't their fault, to fish for you to say, "Oh, no... it's not your fault." They are covert because they pretend to have low self esteem, but secretly don't understand why everyone else doesn't realize how smart they are. Getting many co-workers fired or causing them to quit... grudges and ghosting of family... when they do talk, they always mention their grand qualifications and why their opinion is worth more than everyone else's. Whenever a covert narcissist really hurts you, if you push for an apology, their apology will sound like this, "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I'm sorry that bothered you."
@@lisaward8216 I brought it up, that he always says I'm a victim...he was VERY clear to correct me that I ACT like a victim, I'm not one. He's soooo good to me, where does this come from, etc. He definitely knows what he's saying & why... Total shame spiral
This is what got me for years...couldn't understand how someone couldn't have integrity or a care in the world about betraying and breaking someone's heart. It's hard to see them as human beings, my ex at least. Because human beings act human!
Narcissists will ALWAYS play victim, throw temper tantrums and blame everyone else but themselves for their words and actions. No matter what you do or say, they'll never be happy. It never gets better!
TRUE !! BEEN THERE FOR 50 years. Yeah really. Terrible life. Mentally ill idiots ! Mean as can possibly be Like a devil in them They are really unbelievable!
Confronting them is devastating! A simple, straight forward question can take an hour to answer because they are busy trying to run circles around you, gaslight you. Thereafter they ghost you, ignore you as if they are the victim. The lack of remorse, guilt and empathy is something I still cannot wrap my head around!
When being with someone with narcissistic traits, it can be hard to trust your own judgment because they manipulated you so much. But that being said, one of the most obvious signs you can rely on is: when they constantly mistake your good intentions as bad intentions or manipulation. You know in your heart how you really feel about them, so don’t let them tell you how YOU feel. If they try to paint you as the villain, don’t make the weak mistake of believing them (we’ve all been there and it sucks). Stand up for your truths, and don’t placate their false beliefs to make them stay with you.
Thank you for your insightful contribution... which rang true for me. My spouse was recovering from major surgery a while back, and I was doing my best to be helpful (he was mobility-impaired for a few weeks). My attempts at being helpful were met with accusations of being "a control freak", "hovering" and "doing things that HE didn't ask for" (although I knew they would help). I got so fed up with his attitude that I finally said "Fine. I won't lift a finger and take the initiative to be helpful. If you get really stuck, let me know and I'll help if it's convenient for me to do so". (Of course, he then accused me of being a jerk because of my reaction!).
It. Is so hard because your constantly questioning yourself. Like wow, I was really trying to help But I just the worst person who doesn't know how to do that? Until you realize you're the same person you always were.It's just a problem with this one . But they are so convincing.
You nailed it! After being with my now ex, for 30 years, when he finally admitted his double life, it was just like, "How did I not see this? how could I not know this?" I really did not have a clue. And then, because the reality hit me, I doubted my ability to trust anything or anyone. The world seemed different to me. I remember taking a hike by myself and even the trees and bushes did not seem real to me. Life was not how I saw it. It turned my life upside down. It took years, but eventually I moved on, and now I am remarried to a wonderful man. Could not be happier! I thrived! 🤩
Made me cry to read your comment. It’s so true and so very hurtful and worst of all there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Love is not enough.
The broken clock being right twice a day is a very accurate way to describe a relationship with a narcissist! Good respectful behaviour should be a constant...not a once in a while event!
I admitted to mine that I was in such a bad place I'd been self harming. It was painful to admit and I was frightened, he glanced down at my cuts and just said "oh right" like I had just shown him a new nail polish. Then went back to watching TV.
An illusionary relationship. Twenty years with a narcissist. It took me 7 years to heal from the hell he put me through. Since I have left him nearly 10 years ago, my happiness scale is at its highest. Thank you Matthew for making people aware about narcissism, as it needs to be talked about.
Not only are they not THERE for us during our darkest hour, they may actually BE THERE ONE causing us that most excruciating pain. -and be “spitting” on our pain…that THEY’RE causing!!
when he sent me to the mental hospital and have me negging to take care of me after I told him it was like I just came out of a heart surgery and you are punching me in the heart.
@@carolinasanchez8541- I am waiting for him to try this with me.. sadly I was in the hospital for 8/9days (I honestly can’t even remember 😢) and the entire time my older children had to take care of my animals - he was sleeping at some women’s house - while cheating with two other ones TOO😡- I found that all out almost a year later .. and now 21 of them.. I swear the anxiety attacks and all the panic attacks .. are going to give me a heart attack/stroke. I was just given a workbook to do, but I am hoping to purchase the actual book for myself before I get in to the work book. It is called your body keeps the score and reading some reviews made me seriously want to read the book !! The workbook is good- just need to get my brain FIXED- because I feel like I can’t even focus and absorb information anymore.. 😢😢😢 I’m sending positive vibes to everyone who has suffered or is still suffering 💞💫
Matthew, please hear me when I say this as a therapist and an individual who has earned a doctorate in community care and counseling marriage and family therapy, you are by far the most intuitive, accurate, compassionate and thoughtful individual to present on this topic. Thank you. for what you're doing for your world and the way in which you do it. Truly phenomenal. I'm grateful. Blessings and love to you and your family.
Of all the videos I’ve watched on this subject, this one has the most truth and powerful statements!! I lost track of the times you said something and I thought, “Yes!!” I think somehow there is envy involved with their behavior. I’ve noticed this is the motivation behind some of the mean things said or done. They are so insecure, even seeing you have compassion on them makes them feel so ashamed of their limitations, they don’t know how to handle that.
I have just come out of this relationship yesterday. All you said is me. I have no words and I don’t know where I’m going to go with my life but thank you for making this video ❤
Apology is not saying sorry. It's validating how someone feels because of what we've done. Telling the other person how it is wrong to hurt them, and how we intend to fix it.. and fixing it. Showing that it really hurt us to hurt the other person, and we truly understand what happened and we want to heal the relationship. Personally, I've never encountered that.
When we left my dying Grandmother’s bedside for the last time (he ignored me while there) and he screamed at me for 3 full hours on the drive home while driving erratically, all because I had mentioned wanting to return to the workforce earlier that day…. That was my wake up moment. I left him a few days later. It’s been almost a year of no contact now and it’s been a brutal year of healing because you do cry. You do question your entire relationship. But the healing is necessary. ❤
They are nice as long as you play their games and don’t question them . Never say no, never have needs and never set boundaries. Then you will be panished. They are brutal.
Spot on.🙏🏼 I have to write this down .. the mental fog after interacting with one is no joke . YOU KNOW deep down after a while what's going on,but you also feel all their projections and feelings in YOUR body until it shuts you down if you're not careful. It leads to such a state of burnout on all levels of you stay with them and makes you sick you start to feel that you are this awful person they want you to believe that. REMIND yourself over and over that YOU ARE NOT. It's like you have to rewire and heal your brain back to a state you were in before. It changes your brain. But it can be healed. One BIG sign is you always feel drained after talking or being near them and one example can be GUT PROBLEMS like cramps, feeling sick like you're about to throw up. It's your body and soul saying get rid off this toxic being and cleanse yourself. It's like drinking poison. No joke! You also feel tension in your body. So listen to what you body is trying to tell you. I my case I even had dreams that warned me to get out. Like a guardian angel standing beside the road to say, get out let them drive away on their own and save yourself. They can't control you, they can and will hurt you as long as you stay though. Sharing this in hope that it can be helpful even if it only reaches one person
@@mbernesdotter6881so true ,constant tension in my body and soon I want to set boundaries he will kick of and saying he is done and Slag me off ,never apologise and soon I say I am done and have enough they he will start to be calm and nice again to pull me back .
Thanks Matthew! This video of yours hit so close to home. I built a life with a pure narcissist for over 20 years. it was an extremely toxic and abusive relationship. When i first met this man, he was broke and I did not care. He took a student loan, my dad had also helped him financially and asked the bank to secure him a student visa to America. I left my career back in Singapore and went to America with him. I was young and naive then. He really was not the kind person I thought he was. I could not leave because I knew if I left him then, he would not be able to finish his college with not much support. I was soft-hearted, stayed on and thought things would get better. Like you have mentioned, sometimes he was very sweet. So the bad moments just getting worse after he completed college and got a job in America. His behavior had gotten a whole lot worse when he became successful. He would flirt with other women, and likely cheated behind my back. When I found those suggestive text messages and pictures on the shared ipad, he would call me crazy, overreacting and got so mad with me for invading his privacy. I had been shoved, fell backwards and physically dragged out of the elevator by him. I dare not tell my friends and family back in Singapore. Gaslighting was a common practice at home until at times I started to doubt myself. He would get angry and yelled at me for the slightest thing or for no apparent reason. I was humiliated, body shamed among many other things. In the end, I found out he was also cheating with our neighbor too. I am so glad I have finally put this behind me. It is true that he has used my empathy and kindness as his ticket to mistreat me. I have done nothing wrong to this man, yet I was discarded by him when I was no longer of use to him as he became a big shot in Singapore. He is now a COO of a startup company in Singapore. He got away from doing so many bad things, yet I am still trying to recover from the past abuse and trauma. Till this day, he is still haunting me by stalking me on social media; I have suspicion he is still misusing my email. Nobody, except me, knows his very humble beginning, and what a horrible person he is. To me, he is not just narcissist but he is just pure evil. I pray no other woman will suffer the same fate as me with this man. I am still hopeful I will eventually find a man who is genuine, empathetic and kind. Thanks again for making this video!
This is exactly true. It took me five long years to realize I was involved with a narcissist. I was so naive. I had never met one. I was a shell of my formerly strong self by the time I finally got rid of him. He was so angry when I finally threw him out of MY home that he threatened to put a scope on me from a half mile away and shoot me through my sliding doors some night. They are soooo good at convincing you that their actions are YOUR fault and always deny saying and doing things that they ABSOLUTELY said and did. They are masters of gaslighting. What disorients your reality is they can be sooo nice for two or three months and you think “maybe I AM crazy, maybe it IS me” like he keeps telling you. No it’s not you. These people are damaged. You can’t fix them no matter how much you love their good version. You will be destroyed doing that.
@blueskiesatx it's just so crazy how many people say they were only a shell of their former self at the end. me too, unfortunately. I had one or two breakups in my life, but never did I feel and experienced this kind of pain, abuse, and confusion. It's a totally different experience.I still have to process wtf happened and who this person was...
This is such a beautiful quote. "No matter what season you are in, it is never too late while you are still breathing to take all of the love that you have and point it in a direction where it will do good and blossom into something beautiful, for you and for somebody else." It makes me think a lot...
This is hands down the most accurate, kind and empathetic video on narcissistic partners I’ve watched. It hurts to know who I’m with, but your delivery really made it easier to swallow. I was raised by an extreme narcissist father - and its been a battle to find a normal person in my adult life to partner with. They all end up being narcissists. It’s so hard.
My mother was a narcissist. I'm 68 and I've only just learned about this condition. Everything now falls into place and I realise why I was so unhappy as a child and so damaged. But this knowledge has given me the strength to move forward. A bit late in the day, sadly, but now I'm FREE!
May I ask how that shaped you? Did you get traits from your parent and if so, did you realize this and that this was a bad trait during that time when you did not realize your parent was a narcisist? If you have one or more of the traits mentioned in the video, could you try to expain if it is iust grinded into you? LIke, is it taught behavior and you are just copying without thinking, without passing this by your feelings, or is it a conclusion coming from your feelings.
It's like 4.33am for me and here I've been suffering from anxiety, lack of sleep and many other stuff. I just recently ended my toxic relationship of almost 5 years and oh dear god, I can't even put it in words how accurate this video is... Finding this video really enlightened me here, all of those things explained in this video is literally just like my ex bf. You got my deepest gratitude for explaining all this, amazing video Matthew, thankyou ♥. Also every single one of you here, you got my deepest condolences. Nobody should never ever have experienced this kind of horrible behavior from narcissists like we did/may have... So please, I'm asking you... Please, remember that you're all beautiful, handsome, cute, amazing and ENOUGH just the way you are! I'm proud of you for making it this far, I'm proud of you even if it feels like you didn't achieve anything. Depending what kind of achievements, in my opinion they won't matter as long as you're happy, healthy and you keep on going brave ones ♥.
The "ease to move on" is remarkable. They could literally break someone's bones and not only move on with ease but they will completely forget they ever did it. Crazy!!
Believing that the bone breaking was the injured person's fault, telling everyone that the injured person actually broke THEIR bones, devising revenge against the injured person for having broken bones instead of "really believing in them" and staying unharmed... And it goes on
Well they do forget it, but if you bring it up later on, even years later, they will swaer you must have "done something" to set them off or been on their case all day about something before they finally snapped. Nope.
Brother, I can’t tell you how so well put you said this. I am lost, speechless I am right now, and I’ve been told since I can remember, that I have a way with words. What a nightmare this has been for me. I never even heard the word narcissist, probably wouldn’t have been able to spell it until 2 years ago. Invested 3 years of time with my heart n soul, money, my God the money, my health. That’s nothing compared to many other people I read in comments, my God. Pure poison, Cancerous, Parasite. Thank you . That was phenomenal.
I had to stop talking to my mom, because she treats me and my sisters like we are her work gossip. It was crap when my old man had to stay with her when he had the stroke. It was super awkward. Would you allow yourself to be taken in by an ex who says you are always the problem but doesn't mind helping themselves to your money. My mother has been scamming my old man for years. Same happened to my grandfather. He realized too late on his death bed that his new wife was only after his military benefits. She blocked him from his previous family(my dad being one of eight kids).
"I don't care what season you are in, it is never too late while you are still breathing to take that LOVE somewhere else..." Thank you💓I felt that message loud and clear. 🙏🏽 I am at a crossroads and needing all the support, validation, and clarity to be confident in my choice to move on.
I left , but the only person I can love right now is me . I don't foresee myself in another relationship in the near or distant future . . . I am totally drained . . .
Me too. At 74 years old I feel like I’m in a wasteland. What I never hear talked about though is the rich narcissist and the golden handcuffs that come with that situation. That’s mine.
I cried so much with this video because you were able to put words to feelings I could not described. I am out and I have been for almost 3 years but it still hurts and the wound still fresh
i hear the demon thing a lot, and with all the narcs ive had dealings with, ive never seen it. ive seen plenty stupidity/ignorance in its highest degree, but never any need to hit them w a splash of holy water?
@@lilfairycupcake I was a very rational man like you but after my spiritual awakening it all became clear. Yes they are agents of the devil and if you live mindfully you will notice the orchestration! Try just to turn to God for a while and they will start to pop up in your life unexpectedly and it will be so obvious you will not doubt because God will do his part of work to show you the truth. God does not want you to perish, yes he is mysterious and vengeful, but trust me, you do not understand the bigger picture. Try and you'll see that narcs are literally chosen by Satan like Jesus was chosen by God. Ps. I repeat, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Do not be very logical because it's a trap!
@@lilfairycupcakecan’t say if you’re just not close to God or you’re overlooking or not paying attention but whatever the reason doesn’t matter. I’m not saying to trust anybody saying narcissist are demons because some are not even aware of their narcissism, however the ones that are truly know they are evil and don’t care that one day they will have to answer to God. I’ve never heard one say so but their actions will make you believe they can “trick” God into his kingdom and “trick” the universe into not getting their bad karma. They are so delusional it’s insanity what they will say and believe. The narc I used to deal with had a demon in her. You can see their face and eyes turn into the demon inside them. I never thought anything like that was remotely possible. They have many demons in them it’s frightening to look at those monsters for who they really are and you can’t unsee it.
Brilliant Matthew ! Thank you for your words ❤...those moments when words couldn't find me ? You described those so well in your video.That feeling of crossing the fine line between sanity and insanity !? Yours and theirs ? The icy feeling narc robots alien like creatures create, rendering you speechless, shaking your existence, triggering survival instinct.Blessed are those, who managed to see it and escaped, because ONLY when you decide to escape you truly see them and experience their empty dark core.
Thank you so much for this video-extraordinarily validating to hear. I built a life and a home and a business for 9 years and he ex communicated me & my family like it was nothing. It does feel late in the game to be starting over and I needed to hear that it’s never too late to re invent the life I lead. Thank you so much for putting loving & healing into the world ❤️❤️❤️✨
Eight years with a person that I did so much for, gave my time and energy, made a top priority in my life. This person left me eight days into an emergency hospitalization/surgery that almost took my life and had me in the ICU for 4 weeks. He spent two weeks, after he walked out of that hospital room, sending me vile texts messages and giving me the “reasons” he had to go. Those messages kept coming for 8 months, in between asking me if I was healed now and if we could try again. I told him there was no way I could forgive him walking out on me and then saying awful, hurtful things to me. It’s been one year and I still play the whole thing over in my head each night when I lay down to rest. I am 53. Thank God I didn’t waste another 20 years trying to make things work with someone of this character. I’ll never understand it.
Dear brandimcmillen4005! Good for you that you are now free of such an abusive person. I think, people from the “dark tetrad” kind (earlier called: “dark triad”) in a way similar to colourblind people, of course the difference is that they are not blind to certain colors, but in a way blind to… well, to a lot of emotional things. Thus, they consider you and others, like you consider elaborate tools. They learn to mimic the behaviour what - to them - seems like THE behaviour which, if they apply, they can efficiently get what they want. This works a bit similarly to how a colorblind person can get by in everyday life: The order (and shape) of certain traffic lights can be used to know if I can now walk or not, instead of seeing the actual color itself. Of course: Similarly to how you generally shouldn’t trust a colorblind person’s color vision in case your life depends on their judgement of color, one shouldn’t trust a narcissist in matters which have anything to do with emotions. I know, it is a bit more subtle than this, but I think, for all practical purposes, this is a usable way of thinking. I wrote all this, because you wrote that you’ll never understand it. To me it was also something what I could not understand, and they infuriated me. But looking at it like this, I can emltionally allow myself to see them similar to crocodiles or snakes: even if I mean no harm for them and maybe I can be generous and loving to a crocodile, I will never be able to teach that animal to not see me like food. (Maybe for a while he wouldn’t bite me, but as soon as he is really hungry…)
I'm sorry that happened. It's unimaginable how they think they didn't do anything wrong. The gift is you realized who they really are and got away from them. Hard to part with what we thought we had as far as any relationship. It was a situationship catering to only themselves.Thank goodness you weren't married to them and then found out their true colors. It will never make sense but gets easier to not ruminate as time goes forward. 8 years knew, 2 years dated in late 40s, 5 years post narc and zero thoughts of him now. Felt like he stoke years of mine into my 50s. But staying strong, going permanently no contact is absolutely freeing. Grateful to know what we know now is keeps me going in a positive direction. You'll get there.
Your video came up as I was watching one with Dr Ramani, and I became intrigued. I have consistently claimed my ex-husband is a narcissist, but there has always been a tinge of doubt, despite all the videos I've ever watched or articles I've read. This video right here validated 20+ years of wavering in the belief that I am correct. I listened and thought of numerous examples of times he would do each of the 7 things. I was fine and felt a little bit of freedom with TONS of finally I'm validated!! Then, you moved to say "Some good news for you" and I cried. You truly wrapped up all of it with the most beautiful bow on top. I have continued to have problems accepting that it's not too late to have a blossoming beautiful love with a significant other, and that's not just unconditional love to my 2 children.
Im 45 years old and this is the first-time ive ever commented or spent the time to let someone on RUclips know how 100% spot on they really were. Its like u described my relationship of 4 years like you were there the whole time. Ive related to things ive seen but you have hit everything right on as ive lived it. From what was said to what was done its like you know the exact words and excuses used from day one. Thank you for taking you time to help people in a impossible situation that makes you questions everything u have known to be right and wrong in life. I know shes a narcissist but you hit everything like u experienced it through my eyes. Your in the perfect position you were ment for. Thanks for all your information it really is something to see someone ive never met know all ive been going through for years. You r a good man
I have been married to a narcissist for 8 years and we have a 16 years old daughter now. It was incredibly difficult to let go of the humiliation, the pain, the anxiety...as so many of you, I was a wreck for a very long time... My daughter is going through a very tough time, she cannot stand the presence of her father anymore, and has realised so much about him. It is so sad and hard for such a young soul to deal with things like that. Still, we have to deal with the pain he put us through. Better days are ahead, I hope that with the help of people close to us, she will happy, acknoleging all her greatness. We are still undergoing therapy... Love to all of you, who have suffered a relationship with a narcissist. Nothing is wrong with you, you are great, just run!!!
Wow, every single point resonated with me. What a horrific trap narcissistic relationships are. It takes years to recover, and once you think that you have, you find out that you haven't totally recovered. It's so taxing.
After my mom passed away, my narcissistic spouse of 30 years did not support me at all. In fact, he would make insensitive comments, and he blew 3/4 of my inheritance on a new truck for himself. Lesson learned ... don't ever expect an ounce of empathy from a narcissist or have a joint bank account with a narcissist. 😢
My old man would work long hours. Of course my greedy mother would have access to the account. He keeps telling me that only she had access to their account. She was obviously taking money and making excuses to give it to her brother. The worse part is she really thought it was going to work on me. I was in AIT in the Army. I get a call from her saying her and my sister opened my mail, and tried to get into my account to help pay for it. Must not have gotten the memo that these bills can be paid online or something. Yes, when I enlisted it didn't take long for her to show me off to her unsatiable family. I wanted to just go in and not have to see her annoying narc family. I was able to accomplish this with Trucking--No fanfare. Haha, low status job to the elitard family, who lies about why father disappear...
Your videos are helping me immensely. I've been in therapy for 25 years, and I haven't had the breakthroughs that I have been having listening to you for three weeks. I'm no longer obsessing over feeling rejection. This video made me realize my ex checked off all the boxes. I've been bewildered for years, and I feel closure. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Daphne
"What they do when you need them the most" is exactly what I experienced. When you're drowning, they will throw you something but it won't be a lifeline... it will be a cement bag! Everything you said is spot on and I only wish I'd figured out sooner that I was not a crazy, deranged person but a victim of narcissism. Thanks to caring mentors and educators like you, Dr Ramani and others, I am beginning to understand how I lost myself and how to find myself again. Your videos are incredibly helpful and very much appreciated.🙏💞
I was with a person like that, I was married for 14 years, I almost lost my mind. One day he treated me like a queen and another like the biggest shit. He was unfaithful to me and I had a son with that person. He has never apologized; and even more so, he dares to say that I was to blame for what he did. Thank God I'm free of such a being. It is one of the most unpleasant experiences that a human being can live.😢
I was in similar situation. Feel that. Extremely hard to trust after putting all ur trust on a person you've been married to 13 or 14 yrs. For them to go live a double life then blame you for that happening. Extremely hard to trust after that.
@@suzettechristine8609 it has been difficult to be myself again and trust people, but for my own good I have decided to enter into a process of forgiveness and healing, I have only learned to be patient and understanding that it will take time to be completely well again, since this type of relationship leaves sequels.
And now you reduce him to a single word to make yourself feel better. Dont forget to take some accountability for your own part in the story of your lives.
@@tammydietschweiler7852 Accountability is kryptonite to the narcissistic. That's the point. IF you aren't narcissistic, you actually will look at yourselves in the morror of truth, and not the water of self-deception. If you aren't narcissistic, you know you have/had a part to play, and won;t pretend everyone else but you is responsible/accountable, for what happens, in YOUR LIVES. I'm not kidding. It's fundamental adulthood/adulting. It's what adults have to do, to be adults, and competent parents. If you can't do that. (each of you on an individual basis) You do you. Whatever helps you sleep at night. 'You stayed with him for 14 years, and suddenly he's been reduced down to 'a narcissist'.' Ok. 🤣Has he reduced you down to a 'narcissist' or was he going about his business? (rhetorical) Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. (including, each and every one, of you, and that's fine. Learn from them.) It takes two to tango. Many believe themselves empathic, when all you really are, is emotional and self-absorbed. Communicate like adults. (Rather than expecting telepathy and codependence). If there is a lack/failure to cooperate, you know where you stand, and need to leave. If you didn't, it was your mistake, not his. How will you avoid making the same mistakes again? You'll probably make the same mistakes again, if you don't recognize that you did to begin with. It's what makes you human, in the same capacity, that your exes, were/are human. Were you there? No. I wasn't even taking to you. But the point stands. You've all got to reflect on yourselves (inflect). Inner and outer work, girls. He might have already done his, while he was with you, (and other women). What is wrong with you? You should really take a look in the mirrror, behind all the makeup, just once every now and then, girls. If you don't, you'll forever be living in a world of self-delusion. Puppets in a pantomime. 15 years. (Picard facepalm). Man's empathy is how they feed. Independent seed. Codependent feed. Don't hate the player. 😅
I swear the TV talks to me sometimes. After 8 months of breaking up with a narcissist, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what the hell happened. Every single thing in this video is exactly what he did to me. It baffles me how he could just move on so easily after everything that we have been through... I've been thinking about him lately, thinking about attempting one more time, to make him realize what he's done. Then, this video came up in my feed. When he is on my mind, often, narcissistic videos will start to pop up on my feed. By watching this, it has reminded me to not waste my time. He will never care, or give any recognition of the hurtful things that he has done. Thank you for this video. I really, really needed it. Liked and subscribed. ❤
Having been married for 20 years and having two children with a narcissist, I can confirm that your message is SPOT ON! Thank you for providing such clear validation to those struggling to "fix" someone who cannot be "fixed." You are wise beyond your years!!
@@brianna-u7q Why was adding the "he has a new gf" part necessary? Of course he is going to move on from you lmao ??? Maybe you were the one making him consume all the alcohol. Men tend to drink alcohol due to overwhelming stress, which you clearly failed to understand.
“For a narcissist, our empathy isn’t seen as some beautiful quality that signifies our value, our empathy is seen as their ticket to do whatever they want. It is seen as their perpetual get out of jail free card any time they want to get their needs met in any disrespectful or terrible way. And they know at the end of any terrible behaviour they can always rely on, and because of their entitlement, expect forgiveness” WOW. I’m ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.
Same. We should not feel ashamed, though. Our kindness, desire for connection and humanity is natural and them being used against us to abuse us is NOT ON US. We always have to remind ourselves of this. We are the normal ones. It's not "naive" to not assume the person looking like a human, acting like a human in infact nothing but a manipulation machine. Yes, we put up with it for too long but that is only because by then we have already invested so much, so many memories, such a deeply embedded false imagine of the "person" you loved and thought loved you back. Who can they possibly THAT careless and cruel? One would never expect it. It's absurd and unless you have a professional background in this field or have gone through such an experience, you simply have no inbuilt protection against this demonic bullshit. I don't know if I will ever heal man. 10 years for nothing. For absolutely nothing. It did not "fall apart", it was never there to begin with. But we gotta keep going somehow. At least by now I realize that I am far from alone with this.
BRILLIANT video......I've lived it and realise I was in denial for years...trouble is i had no idea about narcissism when i met him and continued to make excuses for his behaviour. The worst part for me was being constantly confused about what was happening and the main thing i have learnt is, actions not matching words is the biggest red flag. Thank you for putting it all into a video that spells it out exactly as it is.
The accuracy and timing of this video is so eerie. I feel like God sent you to give me closure because a person I've been refusing to accept is a narcissist sent me on a tailspin this weekend. Having me question my reality and heavily gaslight me. Even did the exit gaslighting thing you spoke about when I said I simply can't do this anymore. This video confirms all my suspicions and basically spoke my life. Phew. This is such a huge relief that I'm not crazy and that they are deliberate with their actions. This is tremendous closure. Thank you for your work, Matthew. You're literally saving lives and sanity.
I am 64 yo and so appreciated your closing comment that it doesn't matter what season you are in, or that it is never to late to direct one's love in the right direction. Thank you Matthew 🫶
I’ve endured this for 14 years and studied this topic for over ten years since I left the relationship. The greatest misconception is many people assume it’s just grandiose gestures like flaunting their new red BMW. It can be part of it, but it’s much more sinister. You hit every nail square on the head. It’s baffling, outrageous, and the most bizarre and twisted behavior. If not educated on the subject, one can be catapulted into the Twighlight Zone in complete disorientation. It’s a slow death. Thank you for continuing to educate others-your delivery is stellar on all your topics, and have followed you for many years, in addition to sharing your content. Keep up the great work.
I have dealt with two narcissist in my life and they are truly bewildering. I have listened to countless videos and read everything I could find on this subject over many years and I will say this video I just found is one of the most well said. It felt like a friend was talking to me in the most supportive way. While the subject is not fun, your perspective and delivery was kind and loving. Please keep up the good work bc there are still a lot of people out there that are dealing with this and still do not know or understand it. Thank you for sharing.
if you’re a parent or sibling of a narcissist it’s not as easy as ending a relationship. It’s literally a living hell with very little understanding from the outside world
@cracklecreek imagine being a child of an alcoholic narcissist😢 I've cut them out of my life a year ago and realized he really didn't miss his daughter, he misses the idea of having a daughter.
This is so true. My father and sister both have this character disturbance. Pathological liars, deeply jealous, prolific gaslighters, grandiose personalities and self-belief.... It's true misery. I think about just escaping to the other side of the world and changing my name.... I seriously might do that one day
@@Mintychops I was just thinking , we need to address the issue of women with children With an abusive dad. More understanding please. And how do you help the abused little old lady? People just make things worse. I got a big dog.😁
A rough quote: “The fact that you can be thrown to the curb by the narcissist, as if you never existed, and at lightening speed, is the most disorienting thing of all. “ That is the most accurate description of how I have been feeling. The word ‘disorienting’ is the word I’ve been searching for and even it is an understatement. I feel like no one can understand the magnitude and enormity of how absolutely disorienting and invalidating it feels to have suffered an injustice such as this.
I know exactly how you feel! It's like our 27 year relationship/ 25 year marriage didn't matter at all. He was moving on the day after he said he wanted a divorce.
You gave me some understanding Matthew. Living through this now. Can’t even recognize him anymore. Just got out of the hospital due to a lot of what you explained here. No accojntability. No explainations and just cruelty. Picking up the pieces. While he’s living his life holding my things hostage and I’m re- learning how to walk. Not just mentally but actually physically.
I finally was able to stop being abused because I set boundaries. It was painful. But 8 yrs of trying is too many…you would think. But I truly loved until that moment happened. When you know you, you know. You’ll know it has to be finally over. Self preservation
14:05 Point no 5: It was the night before my father’s funeral, I was a mess and the only adult member of my family left , trying to hold it together…and she started playing silly mind games and then ghosted me that evening. In the last few previous years, I had lost my brother, mother, wife and then father. And she said she was suffering more than me as she had to support me in my grief . That’s when I realised what she was really like.
This video left me crying. I have seen several videos on narcissism, however YOU truly have a gift. Married almost 24 years to one. Recently divorced, however I am still under his control due to needing the house sold before I can move. I look forward to the day that I am free forever. So glad that your video showed up on my feed. Thank you. 🌸
Same. Married 21 yrs. Divorced in June. Still having to keep in contact because he owes me money. I play nice in fear that if I don’t, he won’t pay me back. He left at the end of January. It took me 7 months before I had a day without crying. I finally came to realization that I am so much better off without him. This is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I just hate I wasted 22 years with him. The only thing good that came from our marriage is my son. Whom he rarely sees. This video answered all of my “whys?”Thank you for giving me the closure I desperately needed.
Seven years together. She tried to emasculate me and diminish me. I was always the culprit. Everything was very subtle. I got depressed over the years. Last year, I lost my job and couldn't handle the situation. She said, "Calm down, take your time." Well, she left in February after two weeks of silent treatment. I had two wisdom teeth surgeries that month. She couldn't care less; she was disgusted by me. So she left when I was depressed, unemployed, and in physical pain. She took her stuff, our dog, and went to her mum's from one day to another. Two weeks later, she had her new supply. So, yes, being discarded and "replaced" after seven years, and now treated like shit, can be very traumatic. Edit: Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your opinion 🙏
I can identify with your experiences, the ex (16 years married) left me nine weeks after I had life saving surgery, one of his many reasons "things change it's time to move on" ??? Much later found out he was online the night of my surgery looking for other women. Seven months later he texted me that he was divorcing me( he was visiting the girlfriend). He cleaned out our joint bank accounts, lied to family and friends, the irony I am in therapy for what he did when he should be in therapy😂. Thanks to friends,family and work colleagues and a good therapist I am starting to heal.
Thats tought, terribly sorry to hear that. I had similar dealings. Its actually very surprising how similar these narcs are and their base level. Crummy people to say the least.
Stay strong bro. If you are correct about her being a narc then realize she never loved you, narcs don't know how to love. Move on from her. And do not take her back. Keep your sanity n work on yourself. Get your life back together. I'm working on myself after discarding my female narc.
True this, mine had her orbiters around, posted thirst pictures on her social media and called me controlling when I raised the issue. Women say they want you to be emotionally available , the minute you are you lat this behavior into your life.
Brilliant video Matthew and so relatable. There are few things more devastating than realising you have spent so many years invested in something that was so real to you, and all artifice for them. When the mask slips and you truly see them it is horrifying.
I got him probiotic drinks for his stomach ache ..god the abuse i got. His birthday gifts which were expensive perfumes got abuse ‘why couldn’t you get me clothes’. Awful person.
Thank you so much Matthew. I will keep revisiting this till I am healed. You capture perfectly the unbelievable irrationality, disconnection and self absorption of the narcissistic individual. But point no 1 is the clincher for me. It’s the contradictory nature of them that keeps you invested in them. In the good moments, I believe we see the person they might have been if they’d not been damaged in their childhood. The mistake is to think you can help them heal but you can’t. Their brains have been wired in childhood and no-one can rewire them. It’s too late. Thanks again Matthew. Helped me a lot.
We usually don’t know that we’re thinking that until we have some experience or time to reflect. Most of us have no idea what’s happening at first. The person takes you on an emotional roller coaster. Years later you might find yourself tolerating a situation with a parent and thinking it will get better. It doesn’t.
@@alxp-zd1zj My experience has been that the significant narcissists Ive encountered in life, have not changed in spite of considerable input. My theory on this, is that they are similar to feral children who, if they reach a certain age without developing language skills, have missed the ‘critical period’ for doing so and can never learn to speak. This is a fact. I think at the ‘critical period’ for developing empathy and understanding that a wider world exists outside the child’s close environment, 2 things happen: one is a childhood trauma of some description, the other is an inappropriate response by the main caregiver to support the child through that trauma ie. They are too protective meaning the child is allowed to remain a child on an emotional level. They are shielded from having to deal with their emotions by being over shielded so do not develop the appropriate skills at the appropriate time. Just my opinion btw. Not scientifically proven
This resonates with me so much! It makes me so angry and hurt that there are people out there that literally use you to make themselves feel better. They never once think of your feelings. So very cold
Dear Matthew, I wanted to reach out and express my gratitude for your channel. Your videos on narcissism have been incredibly helpful in giving me closure after a long and difficult relationship. As an INFJ personality type, I'm unfortunately quite vulnerable to narcissists. My recent ex-girlfriend exhibited many classic narcissistic behaviors, including gaslighting. The breakup was heartbreaking, especially since she ghosted me and then reappeared to flaunt her new dating life. Your videos, while the topic itself is serious, offered a strange sense of humor that helped me move forward. Your advice to not give up on finding love truly resonated with me. While healing will take time, I'm hopeful that I can find someone who deserves my affection. Thank you so much for your content. Sincerely, Chris 🙏🏻
I was romantically involved with someone with narcissistic traits. When I broke up with him I had prepared for his usual response of rage. I was not prepared for the tears. However, I luckily remained strong. Almost a decade and a half later I'm married to someone else who treats me much better
This video is SO important. Videos like this were crucial for me divorcing the narcissist 5 years ago, they were the light at the end of the tunnel. I remember having a glimpse of clarity and realizing for the first time that I was not crazy. If you're going through this right now, get out as soon as you can, and never look back. I promise eventually things will get better ❤
@remarkable937 i mean if they fid it to us...and we do it back..they dont like it...theyll rage..i hate the double standards...with a passion trust me...its not right to get upset with a partner who we lie to and then expect them to not do the same back to us. And thats what i got lol and made to feel crazy for it...and insecure asf...until i realized it wasnt right...and havung to explain how its fucked up and how my trust is broken...they will NEVER understand. .and when if they do...itll be too late i suppose...if they do even contemplate it all...
It started about a year ago seeing odd behaviors with my husband. Especially when I don't do things the way he wants them done. Like dinner being ready at certain times, not eating food when I'm not hungry that he got me which can be eaten later, not accepting things I don't want like gum and getting the silent treatment for days. Enough was enough. I looked at myself to see if it was something I was doing but just ended up feeling confused and somewhat crazy. That's when I started to document all the issues and realized it's not me. it's him. I've started therapy and I did not realize how bad it truly is.
Thank you and im so glad I came across this video I was discarded my a narc a day ago, I loved and adored him. I am lucky enough to have a support system and a great therapist because this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I don't understand how someone can promise you the world and love and bring out your inner child and then shatter it all and not even look back and the devastation they have left
My husband walked out two days before Christmas. No family Christmas trip, no honeymoon in April, divorce was final in may. I waited 30 days to file. This brought me comfort.
Wow "a broken watch is right twice a day" God raised you for such a time as this, its not good for man to be alone. Your gifts will make room for you ❤️🙏🏻🔥🕊
After 22 years with narcissistic best friend/mentor/co-worker, I finally left her. Observe, speak out to confidents, educate yourself and there shall be light. Thank God and youtube and you Matthew and many others who share education freely to help. Remember we are not alone or the only ones. Greetings from Greece
The story of my life: raised by narcissistic parents, former partners who were also narcissistic, current "best friend" who is a narcissist too. I found all this out six months ago. I'm currently in psychotherapy trying to heal, because the damage narcissistic people do in our lives is devastating 💔
@@Coolgirl1309 Yep It Is So Very Sad Messed Thinking A So Called Friend Would Hurt You When You Told Them What You Have Been Through ! & I Have Been In Really Bad Relationships In My Younger Years ! & Even Now ! 😢 STEPH 🤓 7.21.2024
i can't imagine that at all. Just left a narc 3 days ago who i was with in a ldr for over a year and it was draining and i tried to explain so much why i should be treated better. The manipulation is crazy and does get to you and it is devastating and heart wrenching and for me to have deep love for someone like that. I hope your journey gets better and i hope you find a ''best friend'' that is actually a good person...👋😭
The “emotions” the narcissist shows us - they aren’t for us - those emotions are for the narcissist themselves. That helped me to understand more. Thank you for all you do Matthew!
I can't believe how exactly you've described the issues I've been fighting so hard to resolve with my, as of recently, ex boyfriend. I've gone back and forth with myself for years about whether he is or isn't a narcissist or if it's just me that's the problem. Your video so precisely describes him that now there's no question and, sadly, no hope for him. Thank you, with all of my healing heart. ❤
Narcissistic Personality Disorder started to make sense to me once I realised that Narcissists are literally physically addicted to the chemicals generated in their brain & body when they cause others pain & distress.
This breaks me. You build a life with someone and realize you’ve been holding on to what they “could be” instead seeing who they actually are.
48 years!!!
@@marialeiva5443 exactly
It's even worse when they're your parent(s)! It's so sad and damaging...
i call them wastes of perfectly good human beings, doomed by their own accord.
The love of potential is one of the greatest downfalls and one of the biggest coping mechanisms. It's basically overpowering hope that things can be better inspite of a harsh reality. This only brings more pain as it false hope and a projection of an inner reality onto people who simply will never be that way. Learned this with friends and family, if someone is unwilling to change they will not change.
Self-centered, lack of empathy, unpredictable mood, always confuses you and makes you suspect that they hide something from you and lastly they lack accountability
Thanks 🙏
👏 👏 👏!
No they have hijacked the empathy word such as a dark empath, it’s compassion that they lack which sets them apart
@garycapili9193 It was precarious when he accused me of having a sexual encounter in a public loo with a random guy. I asked if he really thought I was like that. Made me feel like poop.
@@garycapili9193 bingo. Exactly 💯
Imagine being with someone who DOES know you who DOES understand you more than anyone else in the world.... uses exactly that to do HARM.
Yup. My soon to be ex husband was so open to talking about his emotions in the beginning. He made it easy to open up. I told him things I had never told anyone. And then the devaluation phase started, and he used everything I told him to totally discredit any negative emotions I had around anything he did. Even when it made zero sense.
Yes. You think you can tell them anything and then they use it to hurt you. Always.....
Yes. My father-in-law did this. But he hid it so well from everyone else. Nobody would believe it.
100% My recently ex-wife was more than happy to use and twist every vulnerability, every secret, every childhood trauma of mine, and make up new ones, as a weapon in her rages, with absolutely zero hesitation.
@@Olivia-bl8ez absolutely. My soon to be ex husband was like that too. I was also too nice to him and said it once that I don't need any money from him and I can take good care of myself and he should be taking good care of himself (even i fully aware that I am entitled to half of everything we built) I thought he would feel bad for things he did to me and share 'something' with me after 21 years together. But that's when he used that against me and told me in various emails over 15 times saying 'you said you didn't want anything financially, but it doesn't feel right to me'. Reminding me for saying I dont wany anything but lift himself up for saying 'it doesn't feel right!' but guess what? so far he hasn't offer me anything, (that must feel so right for him!) just pure talk but no action. I had finally gone no contact with him when he said on his last email (after everything he's done to hurt me during our marriage), he said ''As it's your decision for us not being together, I think it is fair that you give me an amount'.
If you are chosen by a narcissist, it is because you are a good person. They choose you because you are so much better than them and they feel better if they can pull you down.
So congrats to you! You are a great person an have so much to offer to the world! Losing them is dodging a bullet.
Amén 🙏,thank you for saying this ❤
I don't necessarily think that narcissists target "good" people; they target people who struggle with maintaining boundaries and who have a tendency to put others' needs above their own. neither of those things automatically equate to someone being a good person.
@@KP-5928 I think they target good people. They want to hurt and control people better than them, because that makes them feel better. They get energy from bringing other people down. They really suck all energy out. Narcissist also hate younger people. They want to suck their youth out of them. I speak from experience. I have seen and experienced it very close…
@@taymicastro2749 Your welcome! Hope it made you feel better!
@@KP-5928ok so a person who puts others first is a bad person?
#1 thing is they blame you for everything.
#2 is they have no self awareness so they are always right.
#3 is they never apologize for their personal attacks & rage.
Correct ❤
Yup sounds just like my mom…
They are never accountable.
And, total lack of integrity.
THEY LIE AND EXPEXT YOU TO FIX IT ANDDD still trust them and care for them..and when theyre confronted about why its not working...we are made out to be the villain for how weve changed...leaving me feeling conflicted and resentful
@@whitecoffee05 Mine too. I don't talk to her anymore.
I was on the hamster wheel for 23 years , giving him 110% . . . One day my eyes opened during a phase when he had reverse discarded me . . . He did this often assuming that I could never leave coz I had tolerated it for so long and I had gotten married to stay married . One day he came from work to find me gone . . . Its 2 years since I left . . . I dont know how I came out sane . . . It's been 4 years of insomnia , BP . . . But I am on the healing path now . I pray daily for God to heal my soul wounds and to heal the trauma . . .
@@Blessed591 you will heal and you made the right choices when closing the door!
I'm so proud of you. I know how hard that was to do. Please know that you are NEVER alone and brighter days are ahead ❤️
I have to live through you what did he do when he found out 😂❤
@@nikicarrie4071 Nothing , he could do nothing . . . It was too late . . . And I told him in no uncertain terms that I was done and NEVER going back . . . I reached the wall . . . And I decided to climb over it and find my freedom . . .
@Blessed591 I mean did he call you, cry, beg , surprise Pikachu 😮 face lol i need to know. Proud of you btw
The sad part is that it’s a toxic cycle. You always think they can be better. The better you treat them, the worse they treat you
That is indeed one of the great mysteries.
This!!
The best thing is just to leave them alone. Just don't put up with it
Move forward
Yes,leave them alone
The worst is when you're sinking and they're almost happy about it...
Their greatest moments in life is watching you 'fail' ...
@@colleenshea2293
Yeah they're always in comparison with everyone and they can't bear you being better at anything...
True
then worst is when you're sinking and they ask you to help them.
we can eliminate the "almost" 😊
Never ever any slightest "I am sorry". But: "You are so much overreacting ! It's always the same thing ! I am tired of it" Thank you Matthew, this is the most healing video I've ever watched on this subject.
Even if you do get an apology, they think saying the word “sorry” is enough when it obviously aren’t. Orrrr they’ll tell you “just tell me what you want me to say” so they don’t have to think about how to actually apologize, and instead can just know the magical words to say to you that’ll get you to stop talking about what they’ve done wrong
It’s truly disturbing how their minds operate
Covert Narcissists do apologize... but they only apologize for things that aren't their fault, to fish for you to say, "Oh, no... it's not your fault." They are covert because they pretend to have low self esteem, but secretly don't understand why everyone else doesn't realize how smart they are. Getting many co-workers fired or causing them to quit... grudges and ghosting of family... when they do talk, they always mention their grand qualifications and why their opinion is worth more than everyone else's. Whenever a covert narcissist really hurts you, if you push for an apology, their apology will sound like this, "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I'm sorry that bothered you."
The wonderful moments you get are just a fake show in order to keep you hooked.
Oh, Yes. We know All the Manipulations! Never, Ever, let your guard down.
It's so hard to accept man. Who can people fake an entire life, an entire personality? What the FUCK is going on in their head?
Yupppp just figured that out literally yesterday 😢
They accuse you of playing the victim when you confront them on their abuse.
this. Victim blaming is their favorite things
Every time!
Yess!! “Ok victim” is something I heard all the time in our ending.
@@adw6894🎯🎯🎯🎯
@@lisaward8216 I brought it up, that he always says I'm a victim...he was VERY clear to correct me that I ACT like a victim, I'm not one. He's soooo good to me, where does this come from, etc. He definitely knows what he's saying & why...
Total shame spiral
Narcissists don’t live in godly integrity.
This is what got me for years...couldn't understand how someone couldn't have integrity or a care in the world about betraying and breaking someone's heart. It's hard to see them as human beings, my ex at least. Because human beings act human!
@@melbeldanielle6845 exactly!!!! Those that have narcissism lack integrity.
All of their needs can never be met no matter what you do for them.
Exactly
Indeed, they expect perfect, and that does not exist in this world.
True
Jesus!
@@nwabisabeba1678 Refer to the book of Genesis when the Creater creates the Universe and he it is noted that what He makes is ''good.''
Narcissists will ALWAYS play victim, throw temper tantrums and blame everyone else but themselves for their words and actions. No matter what you do or say, they'll never be happy. It never gets better!
TRUE !! BEEN THERE FOR 50 years. Yeah really. Terrible life. Mentally ill idiots ! Mean as can possibly be
Like a devil in them
They are really unbelievable!
Is this true ?.. I’ve experienced the same with my partner . Who claims to have depression & anxiety but display what you just mentioned
sounds like my mother 😢
@@kaypudif they have depression and anxiety, they should be willing to seek help to get better.
I remember someone asked how do you argue your point to a narcissist and I told them never argue with a narcissist because it will never go good...
Confronting them is devastating! A simple, straight forward question can take an hour to answer because they are busy trying to run circles around you, gaslight you. Thereafter they ghost you, ignore you as if they are the victim. The lack of remorse, guilt and empathy is something I still cannot wrap my head around!
Heck Yeah.. I agree. You need a bottle of Aspirin after that.
When being with someone with narcissistic traits, it can be hard to trust your own judgment because they manipulated you so much. But that being said, one of the most obvious signs you can rely on is: when they constantly mistake your good intentions as bad intentions or manipulation. You know in your heart how you really feel about them, so don’t let them tell you how YOU feel. If they try to paint you as the villain, don’t make the weak mistake of believing them (we’ve all been there and it sucks). Stand up for your truths, and don’t placate their false beliefs to make them stay with you.
Thank you for your insightful contribution... which rang true for me. My spouse was recovering from major surgery a while back, and I was doing my best to be helpful (he was mobility-impaired for a few weeks). My attempts at being helpful were met with accusations of being "a control freak", "hovering" and "doing things that HE didn't ask for" (although I knew they would help).
I got so fed up with his attitude that I finally said "Fine. I won't lift a finger and take the initiative to be helpful. If you get really stuck, let me know and I'll help if it's convenient for me to do so". (Of course, he then accused me of being a jerk because of my reaction!).
It.
Is so hard because your constantly questioning yourself. Like wow, I was really trying to help But I just the worst person who doesn't know how to do that? Until you realize you're the same person you always were.It's just a problem with this one . But they are so convincing.
does not matter who im with; narc/non narc alike, i never loose track of me, my morals, my convictions, my integrity, for nobody, ever.
The exact advice I needed at the exact time to receive it. Thank you 🙏
You nailed it! After being with my now ex, for 30 years, when he finally admitted his double life, it was just like, "How did I not see this? how could I not know this?" I really did not have a clue. And then, because the reality hit me, I doubted my ability to trust anything or anyone. The world seemed different to me. I remember taking a hike by myself and even the trees and bushes did not seem real to me. Life was not how I saw it. It turned my life upside down. It took years, but eventually I moved on, and now I am remarried to a wonderful man. Could not be happier! I thrived! 🤩
Not only are they happy to let you drown, they'll be the ones to hold you under when you try to surface. Our pain makes them feel so powerful
So well put!
Absolutely. It almost feels like you sell your soul to the devil.
Spot on !
Facts!!!
Made me cry to read your comment. It’s so true and so very hurtful and worst of all there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Love is not enough.
Spot on! Remember, who they show you they are at the end is who they were at the beginning.
The broken clock being right twice a day is a very accurate way to describe a relationship with a narcissist! Good respectful behaviour should be a constant...not a once in a while event!
The indifference when something really bad happens is really sinister they just don’t care at all
They’re annoyed that you can’t function and serve as previously.
Yes! Thank you for pointing that out. It’s so shocking and painful to experience.
there only in the relationship for the sex they are not capable of love
So true💯
I admitted to mine that I was in such a bad place I'd been self harming. It was painful to admit and I was frightened, he glanced down at my cuts and just said "oh right" like I had just shown him a new nail polish. Then went back to watching TV.
An illusionary relationship. Twenty years with a narcissist. It took me 7 years to heal from the hell he put me through. Since I have left him nearly 10 years ago, my happiness scale is at its highest. Thank you Matthew for making people aware about narcissism, as it needs to be talked about.
Not only are they not THERE for us during our darkest hour, they may actually BE THERE ONE causing us that most excruciating pain. -and be “spitting” on our pain…that THEY’RE causing!!
Totally agree with you!!
Wouu so true that is sad 😢
when he sent me to the mental hospital and have me negging to take care of me after I told him it was like I just came out of a heart surgery and you are punching me in the heart.
@@carolinasanchez8541- I am waiting for him to try this with me..
sadly I was in the hospital for 8/9days (I honestly can’t even remember 😢) and the entire time my older children had to take care of my animals - he was sleeping at some women’s house - while cheating with two other ones TOO😡-
I found that all out almost a year later .. and now 21 of them..
I swear the anxiety attacks and all the panic attacks .. are going to give me a heart attack/stroke.
I was just given a workbook to do, but I am hoping to purchase the actual book for myself before I get in to the work book. It is called your body keeps the score and reading some reviews made me seriously want to read the book !! The workbook is good- just need to get my brain FIXED- because I feel like I can’t even focus and absorb information anymore.. 😢😢😢
I’m sending positive vibes to everyone who has suffered or is still suffering 💞💫
@@lwontherez7927 it’s a spooky reality.
Matthew, please hear me when I say this as a therapist and an individual who has earned a doctorate in community care and counseling marriage and family therapy, you are by far the most intuitive, accurate, compassionate and thoughtful individual to present on this topic. Thank you. for what you're doing for your world and the way in which you do it. Truly phenomenal. I'm grateful.
Blessings and love to you and your family.
Absolutely spot on. I was so touched by his delivery with such compassion and empathy.
Of all the videos I’ve watched on this subject, this one has the most truth and powerful statements!! I lost track of the times you said something and I thought, “Yes!!” I think somehow there is envy involved with their behavior. I’ve noticed this is the motivation behind some of the mean things said or done. They are so insecure, even seeing you have compassion on them makes them feel so ashamed of their limitations, they don’t know how to handle that.
❤It indeed is the best ❤
What area are you in? Do you do virtual sessions?
@@MusikisbellatasticThe treasure coast of Martin County, Stuart Florida. However, all over the world virtually via Zoom.
I have just come out of this relationship yesterday. All you said is me. I have no words and I don’t know where I’m going to go with my life but thank you for making this video ❤
Time passed is not an apology. And an apology by a narcissist isn’t an apology. Don’t be that person’s fool.
It will be framed they are a victim and they did the best they could do given their trauma 🙄
Oh, I really like that statement, thank you!
Apology is not saying sorry. It's validating how someone feels because of what we've done. Telling the other person how it is wrong to hurt them, and how we intend to fix it.. and fixing it. Showing that it really hurt us to hurt the other person, and we truly understand what happened and we want to heal the relationship. Personally, I've never encountered that.
@@Anonytubous Yeah, lots of people don't know how to apologize, it's not a uniquely narcissistic issue.
I have been, and will undoubtedly be that “fool” again… hopefully just much less often, the wiser I become ❤😌
Narcissists can really weaponize empathy as a tool for manipulation, allowing them to deflect accountability for their actions.
I understand all, but why i can't let go of her?
@@lucabisonni6562 trauma bonding, my friend. Happens to a lot of us
They dont deserve emphaty. They dont deserve love either is the hard truth we should understand.
@@lucabisonni6562 Trauma bond
Lacking Empathy. Emotionally Unavailable. Selective Amnesia AND. Master Manipulators. Projection AND Deflection. AND absolutely no Reflection...
When we left my dying Grandmother’s bedside for the last time (he ignored me while there) and he screamed at me for 3 full hours on the drive home while driving erratically, all because I had mentioned wanting to return to the workforce earlier that day…. That was my wake up moment. I left him a few days later. It’s been almost a year of no contact now and it’s been a brutal year of healing because you do cry. You do question your entire relationship. But the healing is necessary. ❤
Stay strong, because it will only get much worse with him.💪🏼
They are nice as long as you play their games and don’t question them . Never say no, never have needs and never set boundaries. Then you will be panished. They are brutal.
100%
Spot on.🙏🏼 I have to write this down .. the mental fog after interacting with one is no joke . YOU KNOW deep down after a while what's going on,but you also feel all their projections and feelings in YOUR body until it shuts you down if you're not careful. It leads to such a state of burnout on all levels of you stay with them and makes you sick you start to feel that you are this awful person they want you to believe that. REMIND yourself over and over that YOU ARE NOT. It's like you have to rewire and heal your brain back to a state you were in before. It changes your brain. But it can be healed. One BIG sign is you always feel drained after talking or being near them and one example can be GUT PROBLEMS like cramps, feeling sick like you're about to throw up. It's your body and soul saying get rid off this toxic being and cleanse yourself. It's like drinking poison. No joke! You also feel tension in your body. So listen to what you body is trying to tell you. I my case I even had dreams that warned me to get out. Like a guardian angel standing beside the road to say, get out let them drive away on their own and save yourself. They can't control you, they can and will hurt you as long as you stay though. Sharing this in hope that it can be helpful even if it only reaches one person
@@mbernesdotter6881so true ,constant tension in my body and soon I want to set boundaries he will kick of and saying he is done and Slag me off ,never apologise and soon I say I am done and have enough they he will start to be calm and nice again to pull me back .
They told me to f* my boundaries. And it will get better when I learn that what’s mines is theres😂
@@justynab2806❤
When he said they treat you worse when you treat them better it was like pure validation. Thank you! Brilliant video!
Thanks Matthew! This video of yours hit so close to home. I built a life with a pure narcissist for over 20 years. it was an extremely toxic and abusive relationship. When i first met this man, he was broke and I did not care. He took a student loan, my dad had also helped him financially and asked the bank to secure him a student visa to America. I left my career back in Singapore and went to America with him. I was young and naive then. He really was not the kind person I thought he was. I could not leave because I knew if I left him then, he would not be able to finish his college with not much support. I was soft-hearted, stayed on and thought things would get better. Like you have mentioned, sometimes he was very sweet. So the bad moments just getting worse after he completed college and got a job in America. His behavior had gotten a whole lot worse when he became successful. He would flirt with other women, and likely cheated behind my back. When I found those suggestive text messages and pictures on the shared ipad, he would call me crazy, overreacting and got so mad with me for invading his privacy. I had been shoved, fell backwards and physically dragged out of the elevator by him. I dare not tell my friends and family back in Singapore. Gaslighting was a common practice at home until at times I started to doubt myself. He would get angry and yelled at me for the slightest thing or for no apparent reason. I was humiliated, body shamed among many other things. In the end, I found out he was also cheating with our neighbor too. I am so glad I have finally put this behind me. It is true that he has used my empathy and kindness as his ticket to mistreat me. I have done nothing wrong to this man, yet I was discarded by him when I was no longer of use to him as he became a big shot in Singapore. He is now a COO of a startup company in Singapore. He got away from doing so many bad things, yet I am still trying to recover from the past abuse and trauma. Till this day, he is still haunting me by stalking me on social media; I have suspicion he is still misusing my email. Nobody, except me, knows his very humble beginning, and what a horrible person he is. To me, he is not just narcissist but he is just pure evil. I pray no other woman will suffer the same fate as me with this man. I am still hopeful I will eventually find a man who is genuine, empathetic and kind. Thanks again for making this video!
This is exactly true. It took me five long years to realize I was involved with a narcissist. I was so naive. I had never met one. I was a shell of my formerly strong self by the time I finally got rid of him. He was so angry when I finally threw him out of MY home that he threatened to put a scope on me from a half mile away and shoot me through my sliding doors some night.
They are soooo good at convincing you that their actions are YOUR fault and always deny saying and doing things that they ABSOLUTELY said and did.
They are masters of gaslighting. What disorients your reality is they can be sooo nice for two or three months and you think “maybe I AM crazy, maybe it IS me” like he keeps telling you.
No it’s not you. These people are damaged. You can’t fix them no matter how much you love their good version. You will be destroyed doing that.
So true
@blueskiesatx it's just so crazy how many people say they were only a shell of their former self at the end.
me too, unfortunately.
I had one or two breakups in my life, but never did I feel and experienced this kind of pain, abuse, and confusion. It's a totally different experience.I still have to process wtf happened and who this person was...
@@Champman543 Yes, this is exactly what I'm going through. Do they ever reach out?
Wow you have lived my story for the same amount of years and exactly the same threat (ex military ), Sending you healing vibes
@@Champman543 All of us who experienced this had healing to do afterwards.
This is such a beautiful quote. "No matter what season you are in, it is never too late while you are still breathing to take all of the love that you have and point it in a direction where it will do good and blossom into something beautiful, for you and for somebody else." It makes me think a lot...
That's what made me cry. Tears for the future.
@@judy5936 Yes, make it happy tears 😊
I totally agree, I needed to hear this.
Amazing advice
This is hands down the most accurate, kind and empathetic video on narcissistic partners I’ve watched. It hurts to know who I’m with, but your delivery really made it easier to swallow. I was raised by an extreme narcissist father - and its been a battle to find a normal person in my adult life to partner with. They all end up being narcissists. It’s so hard.
Hits entirely different when you were raised by one, shapes the way you interact with the world and your environment.
💯
My mother was a narcissist. I'm 68 and I've only just learned about this condition. Everything now falls into place and I realise why I was so unhappy as a child and so damaged. But this knowledge has given me the strength to move forward. A bit late in the day, sadly, but now I'm FREE!
Yes. Yes, it does. Or raised by two (I was talking about that upthread).
Ikr
May I ask how that shaped you? Did you get traits from your parent and if so, did you realize this and that this was a bad trait during that time when you did not realize your parent was a narcisist? If you have one or more of the traits mentioned in the video, could you try to expain if it is iust grinded into you? LIke, is it taught behavior and you are just copying without thinking, without passing this by your feelings, or is it a conclusion coming from your feelings.
It's almost as if Matthew has experienced the hell of being with a narcissist. He is right on all of it.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Too right. Every single one of them hits home. It's like someone told him about my partner. Very terrible beings.
Of course he has. It's OBVIOUS.
It's like 4.33am for me and here I've been suffering from anxiety, lack of sleep and many other stuff. I just recently ended my toxic relationship of almost 5 years and oh dear god, I can't even put it in words how accurate this video is... Finding this video really enlightened me here, all of those things explained in this video is literally just like my ex bf.
You got my deepest gratitude for explaining all this, amazing video Matthew, thankyou ♥.
Also every single one of you here, you got my deepest condolences. Nobody should never ever have experienced this kind of horrible behavior from narcissists like we did/may have... So please, I'm asking you... Please, remember that you're all beautiful, handsome, cute, amazing and ENOUGH just the way you are! I'm proud of you for making it this far, I'm proud of you even if it feels like you didn't achieve anything. Depending what kind of achievements, in my opinion they won't matter as long as you're happy, healthy and you keep on going brave ones ♥.
Their tears aren't for you.. they are for them. Damn.
THAT IS SO LIGHTENING TO LEARN.... It's OK to drop the weight of the responsibility one has been carrying of the entire the relationship
The "ease to move on" is remarkable. They could literally break someone's bones and not only move on with ease but they will completely forget they ever did it. Crazy!!
Believing that the bone breaking was the injured person's fault, telling everyone that the injured person actually broke THEIR bones, devising revenge against the injured person for having broken bones instead of "really believing in them" and staying unharmed... And it goes on
Great summary of narcissts. Your advises on this topic are gold. Thank you sweet Matthew❤
Well they do forget it, but if you bring it up later on, even years later, they will swaer you must have "done something" to set them off or been on their case all day about something before they finally snapped. Nope.
Brother, I can’t tell you how so well put you said this. I am lost, speechless I am right now, and I’ve been told since I can remember, that I have a way with words. What a nightmare this has been for me. I never even heard the word narcissist, probably wouldn’t have been able to spell it until 2 years ago. Invested 3 years of time with my heart n soul, money, my God the money, my health. That’s nothing compared to many other people I read in comments, my God. Pure poison, Cancerous, Parasite. Thank you . That was phenomenal.
When I stop giving my narcissist emotional responses, he accused me of having no emotions. I chuckled.
Typical narcissist men, always complaining "women are too emotional", but when you stop showing your emotion, they get mad and angry at you
I had to stop talking to my mom, because she treats me and my sisters like we are her work gossip. It was crap when my old man had to stay with her when he had the stroke. It was super awkward. Would you allow yourself to be taken in by an ex who says you are always the problem but doesn't mind helping themselves to your money. My mother has been scamming my old man for years. Same happened to my grandfather. He realized too late on his death bed that his new wife was only after his military benefits. She blocked him from his previous family(my dad being one of eight kids).
That's my favorite part. The projection is *unreal* with them.
"I don't care what season you are in, it is never too late while you are still breathing to take that LOVE somewhere else..."
Thank you💓I felt that message loud and clear. 🙏🏽
I am at a crossroads and needing all the support, validation, and clarity to be confident in my choice to move on.
Run, don’t walk!!
Me too.
I left , but the only person I can love right now is me . I don't foresee myself in another relationship in the near or distant future . . . I am totally drained . . .
Me too!
Me too. At 74 years old I feel like I’m in a wasteland. What I never hear talked about though is the rich narcissist and the golden handcuffs that come with that situation. That’s mine.
I cried so much with this video because you were able to put words to feelings I could not described. I am out and I have been for almost 3 years but it still hurts and the wound still fresh
THIS situation is DEMONIC. PERIODT.
i hear the demon thing a lot, and with all the narcs ive had dealings with, ive never seen it. ive seen plenty stupidity/ignorance in its highest degree, but never any need to hit them w a splash of holy water?
@@lilfairycupcaketammy pinnell
@@Tammy11768 hi.
@@lilfairycupcake I was a very rational man like you but after my spiritual awakening it all became clear. Yes they are agents of the devil and if you live mindfully you will notice the orchestration! Try just to turn to God for a while and they will start to pop up in your life unexpectedly and it will be so obvious you will not doubt because God will do his part of work to show you the truth. God does not want you to perish, yes he is mysterious and vengeful, but trust me, you do not understand the bigger picture. Try and you'll see that narcs are literally chosen by Satan like Jesus was chosen by God.
Ps. I repeat, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Do not be very logical because it's a trap!
@@lilfairycupcakecan’t say if you’re just not close to God or you’re overlooking or not paying attention but whatever the reason doesn’t matter. I’m not saying to trust anybody saying narcissist are demons because some are not even aware of their narcissism, however the ones that are truly know they are evil and don’t care that one day they will have to answer to God. I’ve never heard one say so but their actions will make you believe they can “trick” God into his kingdom and “trick” the universe into not getting their bad karma. They are so delusional it’s insanity what they will say and believe.
The narc I used to deal with had a demon in her. You can see their face and eyes turn into the demon inside them. I never thought anything like that was remotely possible. They have many demons in them it’s frightening to look at those monsters for who they really are and you can’t unsee it.
Once you recognize you are with a narcissist, that gives you insight. Then you can stop blaming yourself.
And you can recognize the bs for what it is and call it out then stop reacting 🙌🏽
100%!!! xo
And plan your escape route
not knowing is the worst part of dealing with one. just like a lot of things in life, knowledge rules the roost.
So true. It was a relief.
Brilliant Matthew ! Thank you for your words ❤...those moments when words couldn't find me ? You described those so well in your video.That feeling of crossing the fine line between sanity and insanity !? Yours and theirs ? The icy feeling narc robots alien like creatures create, rendering you speechless, shaking your existence, triggering survival instinct.Blessed are those, who managed to see it and escaped, because ONLY when you decide to escape you truly see them and experience their empty dark core.
I think the lying and deny is the worst trait and then feel aggrieved that you’ve called them out on it!!
they absolutely hate being called out, and i absolutely love calling anyone out on their bs, just to see them squirm.
Take that discard stage as a gift to get away and live a beautiful life without them . Also no contact ever again for your own sanity !
Agree 100% !!
But relation ship as marrige is difficult
That is true but it doesn't feel like it at the time. But now I am glad. Never have to see them or deal with again
@@nehagabhane5679 Yes alot more difficult, but still possible to live your life happy after you get away from them 🙏
@@nehagabhane5679
Decide if you want a difficult marriage as a full time relationship ….
Thank you so much for this video-extraordinarily validating to hear. I built a life and a home and a business for 9 years and he ex communicated me & my family like it was nothing. It does feel late in the game to be starting over and I needed to hear that it’s never too late to re invent the life I lead. Thank you so much for putting loving & healing into the world ❤️❤️❤️✨
Eight years with a person that I did so much for, gave my time and energy, made a top priority in my life. This person left me eight days into an emergency hospitalization/surgery that almost took my life and had me in the ICU for 4 weeks. He spent two weeks, after he walked out of that hospital room, sending me vile texts messages and giving me the “reasons” he had to go. Those messages kept coming for 8 months, in between asking me if I was healed now and if we could try again. I told him there was no way I could forgive him walking out on me and then saying awful, hurtful things to me. It’s been one year and I still play the whole thing over in my head each night when I lay down to rest. I am 53. Thank God I didn’t waste another 20 years trying to make things work with someone of this character. I’ll never understand it.
Dear brandimcmillen4005!
Good for you that you are now free of such an abusive person. I think, people from the “dark tetrad” kind (earlier called: “dark triad”) in a way similar to colourblind people, of course the difference is that they are not blind to certain colors, but in a way blind to… well, to a lot of emotional things. Thus, they consider you and others, like you consider elaborate tools. They learn to mimic the behaviour what - to them - seems like THE behaviour which, if they apply, they can efficiently get what they want. This works a bit similarly to how a colorblind person can get by in everyday life: The order (and shape) of certain traffic lights can be used to know if I can now walk or not, instead of seeing the actual color itself.
Of course: Similarly to how you generally shouldn’t trust a colorblind person’s color vision in case your life depends on their judgement of color, one shouldn’t trust a narcissist in matters which have anything to do with emotions.
I know, it is a bit more subtle than this, but I think, for all practical purposes, this is a usable way of thinking.
I wrote all this, because you wrote that you’ll never understand it. To me it was also something what I could not understand, and they infuriated me. But looking at it like this, I can emltionally allow myself to see them similar to crocodiles or snakes: even if I mean no harm for them and maybe I can be generous and loving to a crocodile, I will never be able to teach that animal to not see me like food. (Maybe for a while he wouldn’t bite me, but as soon as he is really hungry…)
I'm sorry that happened. It's unimaginable how they think they didn't do anything wrong. The gift is you realized who they really are and got away from them. Hard to part with what we thought we had as far as any relationship. It was a situationship catering to only themselves.Thank goodness you weren't married to them and then found out their true colors. It will never make sense but gets easier to not ruminate as time goes forward. 8 years knew, 2 years dated in late 40s, 5 years post narc and zero thoughts of him now. Felt like he stoke years of mine into my 50s. But staying strong, going permanently no contact is absolutely freeing. Grateful to know what we know now is keeps me going in a positive direction. You'll get there.
God bless you ❤
I’m so sorry. At a truly vulnerable time for you. Thankful you are free of him now. 🫂
I feel you pain and we blame ourselves for failing for them and then still question if they were right. It’s the worst of all mind F¥cks.
Demeaning remarks disguised as compliments.
He commented on social media to say thank god our daughter had his brains and my looks and not the other way around 🤷🏼♀️
Vailed humor, its a joke and a put down
You recognize a backhanded compliment because it leaves you confused with a side of crappy feeling 🤗
Your video came up as I was watching one with Dr Ramani, and I became intrigued. I have consistently claimed my ex-husband is a narcissist, but there has always been a tinge of doubt, despite all the videos I've ever watched or articles I've read. This video right here validated 20+ years of wavering in the belief that I am correct. I listened and thought of numerous examples of times he would do each of the 7 things. I was fine and felt a little bit of freedom with TONS of finally I'm validated!! Then, you moved to say "Some good news for you" and I cried. You truly wrapped up all of it with the most beautiful bow on top. I have continued to have problems accepting that it's not too late to have a blossoming beautiful love with a significant other, and that's not just unconditional love to my 2 children.
Im 45 years old and this is the first-time ive ever commented or spent the time to let someone on RUclips know how 100% spot on they really were. Its like u described my relationship of 4 years like you were there the whole time. Ive related to things ive seen but you have hit everything right on as ive lived it. From what was said to what was done its like you know the exact words and excuses used from day one.
Thank you for taking you time to help people in a impossible situation that makes you questions everything u have known to be right and wrong in life. I know shes a narcissist but you hit everything like u experienced it through my eyes. Your in the perfect position you were ment for. Thanks for all your information it really is something to see someone ive never met know all ive been going through for years. You r a good man
I have been married to a narcissist for 8 years and we have a 16 years old daughter now. It was incredibly difficult to let go of the humiliation, the pain, the anxiety...as so many of you, I was a wreck for a very long time... My daughter is going through a very tough time, she cannot stand the presence of her father anymore, and has realised so much about him. It is so sad and hard for such a young soul to deal with things like that. Still, we have to deal with the pain he put us through. Better days are ahead, I hope that with the help of people close to us, she will happy, acknoleging all her greatness. We are still undergoing therapy... Love to all of you, who have suffered a relationship with a narcissist. Nothing is wrong with you, you are great, just run!!!
Hugs, you deserve better.❤
@@danielled1720 Thank you!
I bet you are a great mom. All good to you & your daughter ❤
I ran away with my now 16 year old too. She and I are SO MUCH BETTER off!
Your daughter would have a better life without that narcissist father.
my ex used to get angry at me if I cried after losing my mother. I knew I had to leave as I realized I was only crying while I showered.
How sad❤
Wow, every single point resonated with me. What a horrific trap narcissistic relationships are. It takes years to recover, and once you think that you have, you find out that you haven't totally recovered. It's so taxing.
After my mom passed away, my narcissistic spouse of 30 years did not support me at all. In fact, he would make insensitive comments, and he blew 3/4 of my inheritance on a new truck for himself. Lesson learned ... don't ever expect an ounce of empathy from a narcissist or have a joint bank account with a narcissist. 😢
Never go into business with a Narc. NEVER
You should have kicked him away since he made insensitive comment on your mother's passing away
I can relate . . .
My old man would work long hours. Of course my greedy mother would have access to the account. He keeps telling me that only she had access to their account. She was obviously taking money and making excuses to give it to her brother. The worse part is she really thought it was going to work on me. I was in AIT in the Army. I get a call from her saying her and my sister opened my mail, and tried to get into my account to help pay for it. Must not have gotten the memo that these bills can be paid online or something. Yes, when I enlisted it didn't take long for her to show me off to her unsatiable family. I wanted to just go in and not have to see her annoying narc family. I was able to accomplish this with Trucking--No fanfare. Haha, low status job to the elitard family, who lies about why father disappear...
Honestly, never have a joint bank account with anyone period.
Your videos are helping me immensely. I've been in therapy for 25 years, and I haven't had the breakthroughs that I have been having listening to you for three weeks. I'm no longer obsessing over feeling rejection.
This video made me realize my ex checked off all the boxes. I've been bewildered for years, and I feel closure.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Daphne
"What they do when you need them the most" is exactly what I experienced. When you're drowning, they will throw you something but it won't be a lifeline... it will be a cement bag! Everything you said is spot on and I only wish I'd figured out sooner that I was not a crazy, deranged person but a victim of narcissism. Thanks to caring mentors and educators like you, Dr Ramani and others, I am beginning to understand how I lost myself and how to find myself again. Your videos are incredibly helpful and very much appreciated.🙏💞
I was with a person like that, I was married for 14 years, I almost lost my mind. One day he treated me like a queen and another like the biggest shit. He was unfaithful to me and I had a son with that person. He has never apologized; and even more so, he dares to say that I was to blame for what he did. Thank God I'm free of such a being. It is one of the most unpleasant experiences that a human being can live.😢
I was in similar situation. Feel that. Extremely hard to trust after putting all ur trust on a person you've been married to 13 or 14 yrs. For them to go live a double life then blame you for that happening. Extremely hard to trust after that.
@@suzettechristine8609 it has been difficult to be myself again and trust people, but for my own good I have decided to enter into a process of forgiveness and healing, I have only learned to be patient and understanding that it will take time to be completely well again, since this type of relationship leaves sequels.
And now you reduce him to a single word to make yourself feel better. Dont forget to take some accountability for your own part in the story of your lives.
@@jrddoubleu514Are you kidding? Why would she take accountability? Were you there, what is wrong with you? Omg
@@tammydietschweiler7852 Accountability is kryptonite to the narcissistic.
That's the point.
IF you aren't narcissistic, you actually will look at yourselves in the morror of truth, and not the water of self-deception.
If you aren't narcissistic, you know you have/had a part to play, and won;t pretend everyone else but you is responsible/accountable, for what happens, in YOUR LIVES.
I'm not kidding. It's fundamental adulthood/adulting. It's what adults have to do, to be adults, and competent parents.
If you can't do that. (each of you on an individual basis) You do you. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
'You stayed with him for 14 years, and suddenly he's been reduced down to 'a narcissist'.'
Ok. 🤣Has he reduced you down to a 'narcissist' or was he going about his business? (rhetorical)
Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. (including, each and every one, of you, and that's fine. Learn from them.)
It takes two to tango.
Many believe themselves empathic, when all you really are, is emotional and self-absorbed.
Communicate like adults. (Rather than expecting telepathy and codependence). If there is a lack/failure to cooperate, you know where you stand, and need to leave.
If you didn't, it was your mistake, not his. How will you avoid making the same mistakes again? You'll probably make the same mistakes again, if you don't recognize that you did to begin with.
It's what makes you human, in the same capacity, that your exes, were/are human.
Were you there?
No. I wasn't even taking to you. But the point stands. You've all got to reflect on yourselves (inflect).
Inner and outer work, girls. He might have already done his, while he was with you, (and other women).
What is wrong with you? You should really take a look in the mirrror, behind all the makeup, just once every now and then, girls. If you don't, you'll forever be living in a world of self-delusion. Puppets in a pantomime.
15 years. (Picard facepalm). Man's empathy is how they feed.
Independent seed. Codependent feed. Don't hate the player. 😅
I swear the TV talks to me sometimes. After 8 months of breaking up with a narcissist, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what the hell happened. Every single thing in this video is exactly what he did to me. It baffles me how he could just move on so easily after everything that we have been through... I've been thinking about him lately, thinking about attempting one more time, to make him realize what he's done. Then, this video came up in my feed. When he is on my mind, often, narcissistic videos will start to pop up on my feed. By watching this, it has reminded me to not waste my time. He will never care, or give any recognition of the hurtful things that he has done. Thank you for this video. I really, really needed it. Liked and subscribed. ❤
Yes, that is a TERRIBLE mistake, thinking you can "make them see". They can't and they won't, EVER.
Having been married for 20 years and having two children with a narcissist, I can confirm that your message is SPOT ON! Thank you for providing such clear validation to those struggling to "fix" someone who cannot be "fixed." You are wise beyond your years!!
Being the opposite sex, I have been there too, add her Being an alcoholic, it was even worse
@@brianna-u7q Why was adding the "he has a new gf" part necessary? Of course he is going to move on from you lmao ??? Maybe you were the one making him consume all the alcohol. Men tend to drink alcohol due to overwhelming stress, which you clearly failed to understand.
“For a narcissist, our empathy isn’t seen as some beautiful quality that signifies our value, our empathy is seen as their ticket to do whatever they want. It is seen as their perpetual get out of jail free card any time they want to get their needs met in any disrespectful or terrible way. And they know at the end of any terrible behaviour they can always rely on, and because of their entitlement, expect forgiveness”
WOW. I’m ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.
Yeah, our empathy gets reframed as "being needy"or some sort of weakness. The narcissist won't change ... but you can. :) Best of luck.
You and me both
You and you and me too, but we didn’t know… now we do
Same. We should not feel ashamed, though. Our kindness, desire for connection and humanity is natural and them being used against us to abuse us is NOT ON US. We always have to remind ourselves of this. We are the normal ones. It's not "naive" to not assume the person looking like a human, acting like a human in infact nothing but a manipulation machine. Yes, we put up with it for too long but that is only because by then we have already invested so much, so many memories, such a deeply embedded false imagine of the "person" you loved and thought loved you back. Who can they possibly THAT careless and cruel? One would never expect it. It's absurd and unless you have a professional background in this field or have gone through such an experience, you simply have no inbuilt protection against this demonic bullshit. I don't know if I will ever heal man. 10 years for nothing. For absolutely nothing. It did not "fall apart", it was never there to begin with. But we gotta keep going somehow. At least by now I realize that I am far from alone with this.
BRILLIANT video......I've lived it and realise I was in denial for years...trouble is i had no idea about narcissism when i met him and continued to make excuses for his behaviour. The worst part for me was being constantly confused about what was happening and the main thing i have learnt is, actions not matching words is the biggest red flag. Thank you for putting it all into a video that spells it out exactly as it is.
The accuracy and timing of this video is so eerie. I feel like God sent you to give me closure because a person I've been refusing to accept is a narcissist sent me on a tailspin this weekend. Having me question my reality and heavily gaslight me. Even did the exit gaslighting thing you spoke about when I said I simply can't do this anymore.
This video confirms all my suspicions and basically spoke my life. Phew. This is such a huge relief that I'm not crazy and that they are deliberate with their actions.
This is tremendous closure. Thank you for your work, Matthew. You're literally saving lives and sanity.
I am 64 yo and so appreciated your closing comment that it doesn't matter what season you are in, or that it is never to late to direct one's love in the right direction. Thank you Matthew 🫶
I’ve endured this for 14 years and studied this topic for over ten years since I left the relationship. The greatest misconception is many people assume it’s just grandiose gestures like flaunting their new red BMW. It can be part of it, but it’s much more sinister. You hit every nail square on the head. It’s baffling, outrageous, and the most bizarre and twisted behavior. If not educated on the subject, one can be catapulted into the Twighlight Zone in complete disorientation. It’s a slow death. Thank you for continuing to educate others-your delivery is stellar on all your topics, and have followed you for many years, in addition to sharing your content. Keep up the great work.
I have dealt with two narcissist in my life and they are truly bewildering. I have listened to countless videos and read everything I could find on this subject over many years and I will say this video I just found is one of the most well said. It felt like a friend was talking to me in the most supportive way. While the subject is not fun, your perspective and delivery was kind and loving. Please keep up the good work bc there are still a lot of people out there that are dealing with this and still do not know or understand it. Thank you for sharing.
2? You mean Kamela and Donald? We all deal with a LOT of narcissists and psychopaths and it rubs off on us all.
@@alxp-zd1zj 🤣well I was speaking of 2 "regular" people in my life, but yes those two, and many others affect us all.
if you’re a parent or sibling of a narcissist it’s not as easy as ending a relationship. It’s literally a living hell with very little understanding from the outside world
Yes also if you're a child of a narcissist
@cracklecreek imagine being a child of an alcoholic narcissist😢
I've cut them out of my life a year ago and realized he really didn't miss his daughter, he misses the idea of having a daughter.
This is so true. My father and sister both have this character disturbance. Pathological liars, deeply jealous, prolific gaslighters, grandiose personalities and self-belief.... It's true misery. I think about just escaping to the other side of the world and changing my name.... I seriously might do that one day
@@Mintychops I was just thinking , we need to address the issue of women with children
With an abusive dad. More understanding please. And how do you help the abused little old lady? People just make things worse. I got a big dog.😁
@@itzajdmting I did it once.Drove two states away, Cost 70.00 to come up with an a.k.a. before a judge.
Narcissists HATE when you set boundaries. They see it as an attack and will try and make their victim feel guilty for setting them to feel safe.
At the most painful moments of my life and catching my mom smirk is the worst feeling.
That would be my husband smirking at me when I was at my very lowest due to him and his family
Me too I hear you. same
Sorry your mom is sick. Treat her as such. Remember your the priority
@@corey6013 Treating someone as though they are sick requires empathy. DON"T FALL FOR IT.
@@cb8597-q6l empathy partnered with boundaries is key
A rough quote:
“The fact that you can be thrown to the curb by the narcissist, as if you never existed, and at lightening speed, is the most disorienting thing of all. “
That is the most accurate description of how I have been feeling. The word ‘disorienting’ is the word I’ve been searching for and even it is an understatement. I feel like no one can understand the magnitude and enormity of how absolutely disorienting and invalidating it feels to have suffered an injustice such as this.
I know exactly how you feel! It's like our 27 year relationship/ 25 year marriage didn't matter at all. He was moving on the day after he said he wanted a divorce.
@@sbyrum315 Thank you, it helps to know I'm not the only one.
You gave me some understanding Matthew.
Living through this now. Can’t even recognize him anymore. Just got out of the hospital due to a lot of what you explained here.
No accojntability. No explainations and just cruelty.
Picking up the pieces. While he’s living his life holding my things hostage and I’m re- learning how to walk. Not just mentally but actually physically.
I understand how you feel. So do others.
You are not alone. I am barely holding on.
Cathartic. All spot on, really didn't know what I was dealing with for 20 years. 3 years after drawing the line, the peace is priceless. Thank you.
I finally was able to stop being abused because I set boundaries. It was painful. But 8 yrs of trying is too many…you would think. But I truly loved until that moment happened. When you know you, you know. You’ll know it has to be finally over. Self preservation
14:05 Point no 5: It was the night before my father’s funeral, I was a mess and the only adult member of my family left , trying to hold it together…and she started playing silly mind games and then ghosted me that evening.
In the last few previous years, I had lost my brother, mother, wife and then father. And she said she was suffering more than me as she had to support me in my grief .
That’s when I realised what she was really like.
This meant so much to me at a very important stage of beginning a healing process……thank you!
This video left me crying. I have seen several videos on narcissism, however YOU truly have a gift. Married almost 24 years to one. Recently divorced, however I am still under his control due to needing the house sold before I can move. I look forward to the day that I am free forever. So glad that your video showed up on my feed. Thank you. 🌸
Best of luck. Got get em girl. Have a wonderful life!
Same. Married 21 yrs. Divorced in June. Still having to keep in contact because he owes me money. I play nice in fear that if I don’t, he won’t pay me back. He left at the end of January. It took me 7 months before I had a day without crying. I finally came to realization that I am so much better off without him. This is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I just hate I wasted 22 years with him. The only thing good that came from our marriage is my son. Whom he rarely sees.
This video answered all of my “whys?”Thank you for giving me the closure I desperately needed.
Seven years together. She tried to emasculate me and diminish me. I was always the culprit. Everything was very subtle. I got depressed over the years. Last year, I lost my job and couldn't handle the situation. She said, "Calm down, take your time."
Well, she left in February after two weeks of silent treatment. I had two wisdom teeth surgeries that month. She couldn't care less; she was disgusted by me. So she left when I was depressed, unemployed, and in physical pain. She took her stuff, our dog, and went to her mum's from one day to another. Two weeks later, she had her new supply.
So, yes, being discarded and "replaced" after seven years, and now treated like shit, can be very traumatic.
Edit: Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your opinion 🙏
So sorry to hear this!!
I can identify with your experiences, the ex (16 years married) left me nine weeks after I had life saving surgery, one of his many reasons "things change it's time to move on" ??? Much later found out he was online the night of my surgery looking for other women. Seven months later he texted me that he was divorcing me( he was visiting the girlfriend). He cleaned out our joint bank accounts, lied to family and friends, the irony I am in therapy for what he did when he should be in therapy😂. Thanks to friends,family and work colleagues and a good therapist I am starting to heal.
Thats tought, terribly sorry to hear that. I had similar dealings. Its actually very surprising how similar these narcs are and their base level. Crummy people to say the least.
Stay strong bro. If you are correct about her being a narc then realize she never loved you, narcs don't know how to love. Move on from her. And do not take her back. Keep your sanity n work on yourself. Get your life back together. I'm working on myself after discarding my female narc.
True this, mine had her orbiters around, posted thirst pictures on her social media and called me controlling when I raised the issue.
Women say they want you to be emotionally available , the minute you are you lat this behavior into your life.
Brilliant video Matthew and so relatable. There are few things more devastating than realising you have spent so many years invested in something that was so real to you, and all artifice for them. When the mask slips and you truly see them it is horrifying.
Omg. The empathy getting WORSE treatment. Making you think you’re good parts are bad. It’s so horrible
I got him probiotic drinks for his stomach ache ..god the abuse i got. His birthday gifts which were expensive perfumes got abuse ‘why couldn’t you get me clothes’. Awful person.
When I told my aunt I was having health problems she responded, "now you know how I felt when I was raising you." Unbelievable.
Yikes
Brutal! So sorry you had to hear that.
This is what my mother does, as well
Wow
Ugh …gross comment. This behaviour is in my family too. :(
Thank you for including both female and male narcissist many people forget it
Please bring on more content for narcissism, Matthew! This was heartwarming and heart wrenching at the same time. Thank you.
Thank you so much Matthew. I will keep revisiting this till I am healed. You capture perfectly the unbelievable irrationality, disconnection and self absorption of the narcissistic individual. But point no 1 is the clincher for me. It’s the contradictory nature of them that keeps you invested in them. In the good moments, I believe we see the person they might have been if they’d not been damaged in their childhood. The mistake is to think you can help them heal but you can’t. Their brains have been wired in childhood and no-one can rewire them. It’s too late.
Thanks again Matthew. Helped me a lot.
We usually don’t know that we’re thinking that until we have some experience or time to reflect. Most of us have no idea what’s happening at first. The person takes you on an emotional roller coaster.
Years later you might find yourself tolerating a situation with a parent and thinking it will get better. It doesn’t.
Why do you say no one can rewire them? Did you omit the therapists? Or do you feel they are useless?
@@alxp-zd1zj My experience has been that the significant narcissists Ive encountered in life, have not changed in spite of considerable input.
My theory on this, is that they are similar to feral children who, if they reach a certain age without developing language skills, have missed the ‘critical period’ for doing so and can never learn to speak. This is a fact.
I think at the ‘critical period’ for developing empathy and understanding that a wider world exists outside the child’s close environment, 2 things happen: one is a childhood trauma of some description, the other is an inappropriate response by the main caregiver to support the child through that trauma ie. They are too protective meaning the child is allowed to remain a child on an emotional level. They are shielded from having to deal with their emotions by being over shielded so do not develop the appropriate skills at the appropriate time. Just my opinion btw. Not scientifically proven
This resonates with me so much! It makes me so angry and hurt that there are people out there that literally use you to make themselves feel better. They never once think of your feelings. So very cold
Dear Matthew,
I wanted to reach out and express my gratitude for your channel. Your videos on narcissism have been incredibly helpful in giving me closure after a long and difficult relationship.
As an INFJ personality type, I'm unfortunately quite vulnerable to narcissists. My recent ex-girlfriend exhibited many classic narcissistic behaviors, including gaslighting. The breakup was heartbreaking, especially since she ghosted me and then reappeared to flaunt her new dating life.
Your videos, while the topic itself is serious, offered a strange sense of humor that helped me move forward. Your advice to not give up on finding love truly resonated with me. While healing will take time, I'm hopeful that I can find someone who deserves my affection.
Thank you so much for your content.
Sincerely, Chris 🙏🏻
I was romantically involved with someone with narcissistic traits. When I broke up with him I had prepared for his usual response of rage. I was not prepared for the tears. However, I luckily remained strong. Almost a decade and a half later I'm married to someone else who treats me much better
It's a really incredible explanation. I was married to a narcissist for 10 years. I now understand the relationship much better, thanks
This video is SO important. Videos like this were crucial for me divorcing the narcissist 5 years ago, they were the light at the end of the tunnel. I remember having a glimpse of clarity and realizing for the first time that I was not crazy. If you're going through this right now, get out as soon as you can, and never look back. I promise eventually things will get better ❤
Point 4- he blamed me for catching him cheating and “ruining it between the threee of us”…. I was speechless .. 😂😂
Same here. I approached him and the woman he was cheating on me with and his reaction, "thanks a lot, thanks a lot for ruining this for me" 😦🤨
I’m glad you’re at the point where you can laugh at the absurdity
What?!! Omg!
@@remarkable937😮
@remarkable937 i mean if they fid it to us...and we do it back..they dont like it...theyll rage..i hate the double standards...with a passion trust me...its not right to get upset with a partner who we lie to and then expect them to not do the same back to us. And thats what i got lol and made to feel crazy for it...and insecure asf...until i realized it wasnt right...and havung to explain how its fucked up and how my trust is broken...they will NEVER understand. .and when if they do...itll be too late i suppose...if they do even contemplate it all...
It started about a year ago seeing odd behaviors with my husband. Especially when I don't do things the way he wants them done. Like dinner being ready at certain times, not eating food when I'm not hungry that he got me which can be eaten later, not accepting things I don't want like gum and getting the silent treatment for days.
Enough was enough. I looked at myself to see if it was something I was doing but just ended up feeling confused and somewhat crazy. That's when I started to document all the issues and realized it's not me. it's him.
I've started therapy and I did not realize how bad it truly is.
Thank you and im so glad I came across this video I was discarded my a narc a day ago, I loved and adored him. I am lucky enough to have a support system and a great therapist because this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I don't understand how someone can promise you the world and love and bring out your inner child and then shatter it all and not even look back and the devastation they have left
My husband walked out two days before Christmas. No family Christmas trip, no honeymoon in April, divorce was final in may. I waited 30 days to file. This brought me comfort.
You deserve more. I wish you every happiness
@@cha9165 thank you. The healing process is one hell of a journey ♥️
Thats not really related to Narcissism
It always brings comfort after you leave a narcissist. Glad for you
Just ran away from a hidden narcissist. Glad these knowledge and my intuition has protected me.
Wow "a broken watch is right twice a day" God raised you for such a time as this, its not good for man to be alone. Your gifts will make room for you ❤️🙏🏻🔥🕊
They will drown you and will blame you for not making it to the surface “for them”. It’s always for them and it will always be your fault.
After 22 years with narcissistic best friend/mentor/co-worker, I finally left her. Observe, speak out to confidents, educate yourself and there shall be light. Thank God and youtube and you Matthew and many others who share education freely to help. Remember we are not alone or the only ones. Greetings from Greece
The story of my life: raised by narcissistic parents, former partners who were also narcissistic, current "best friend" who is a narcissist too.
I found all this out six months ago. I'm currently in psychotherapy trying to heal, because the damage narcissistic people do in our lives is devastating 💔
@@Coolgirl1309 Yep It Is So Very Sad Messed Thinking A So Called Friend Would Hurt You When You Told Them What You Have Been Through ! & I Have Been In Really Bad Relationships In My Younger Years ! & Even Now ! 😢 STEPH 🤓 7.21.2024
i can't imagine that at all. Just left a narc 3 days ago who i was with in a ldr for over a year and it was draining and i tried to explain so much why i should be treated better. The manipulation is crazy and does get to you and it is devastating and heart wrenching and for me to have deep love for someone like that. I hope your journey gets better and i hope you find a ''best friend'' that is actually a good person...👋😭
It’s a hard road! Wishing you find yourself and get back on your feet so you can avoid any other narcissist in your life from now on!
Your story is just like mine.😢
Are you the narcissist?
The “emotions” the narcissist shows us - they aren’t for us - those emotions are for the narcissist themselves. That helped me to understand more. Thank you for all you do Matthew!
I can't believe how exactly you've described the issues I've been fighting so hard to resolve with my, as of recently, ex boyfriend. I've gone back and forth with myself for years about whether he is or isn't a narcissist or if it's just me that's the problem. Your video so precisely describes him that now there's no question and, sadly, no hope for him. Thank you, with all of my healing heart. ❤
Narcissistic Personality Disorder started to make sense to me once I realised that Narcissists are literally physically addicted to the chemicals generated in their brain & body when they cause others pain & distress.