@@marihunt4314 loving someone while they are continually making you feel like shit is such a difficult thing to do but I believe it is necessary for personal growth. loving those who treat you well isn’t difficult. Loving how someone makes you feel is the basis of every affair in existence, guess it’s why it is so closely related to narcissistic personalities. As soon as you stop meeting their needs they go out and find it elsewhere rather than opening up and talking like adults and working through the tough times.
I agree with Audrey 100% those who were cheated on or betrayed in some way shouldn’t take the blame for their partners bad behavior. There were signs my ex was being more distant but I wouldn’t think he’d go behind my back and betray me like he did.
I agree with Stephen, until you have been through a relationship with a narcissist you are not able to see the signs and take notice of them. Unfortunately, it has to be experienced to learn what it's like.
Say it with me everyone: "I am NOT responsible for YOUR choice to be a dishonest person" I can be responsible for that uncalled for thing that I said during an argument, I can be responsible for my own fear of rejection, I can be responsible for not holding my own boundaries, but I will NEVER be responsible for YOU choice to lie, and cheat, and gaslight, as a way of getting YOUR needs met instead of doing things the right way. That is YOUR choice. And it's 100% on you.
When I listened to the Khan-Hussey debate on Lewis' show, I was appalled at how insensate and victim-blamey she seemed. As someone irreparably traumatized by a narcissistic partner of nearly two decades who cheated on me for a year and was endlessly deceitful in the face of my good will when he was being complacent in the relationship, deceitful in the face of my fundamental expectation of trust, the "Where did I go wrong?" could ONLY have been properly answered with a response like, "I didn't love myself enough to seek someone who CHOSE me with joy and enthusiasm every day,." It is NOT the case that I was at fault for trusting others. Trustworthy people trust others by default. Matthew, when you talked about self-tyranny in that episode, it really stuck with me and made me start monitoring my self-destructive thought patterns. Thank you for representing and defending the side of the conversation that says self-compassion is required for someone to see that they deserve more.
Check out the book 'Dodging Energy Vampires' by Christiane Northrup. It's very good. I also listen to RUclips talks by Lisa A Romano & Jerry Wise. I do Lisa's workshop and bought Melanie Tonia Evans' excellent NARP meditations, which were essential for me early on. George Simon also has excellent info on how empathic people need to deal with narcissistic or psychopathic ones.
I’m 37 and I just caught my wife emotionally cheating with three different men. It was the only time I’ve ever checked her phone and now I’m somehow blaming myself somehow. We were married nine years and my world is on fire.
As they say about narcissists-when they show you who they are, believe them! While Sadia may come across as a beautiful and knowledgeable expert, I've come to the conclusion that she's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her views consistently shift the blame onto women, suggesting they fail in relationships because they're not beautiful enough, or exciting to men, or they were not smart enough to see the signs. This is not just misguided-it's harmful. She may enjoy the attention and the title of 'expert,' but her perspectives do more damage than good, reinforcing the very stereotypes that keep women trapped in cycles of self-blame.
Blocked her. Always had a weird feeling. And only recently really recognized how she belittles everyone and keeps talking about “high value women”- as if she is one. It’s nothing but a power dynamic to make herself look smart while putting others down
Thank you so so so much for your empathy and sensibility. You know it’s what someone needs after being abused. Someone calling a spade a spade and *not* blaming the victim for not being clairvoyant and therefore picking a partner who turned out to be abusive a while in. Basically everyone else says it’s your own fault, and they say it with such disdain! Even therapists. It’s very popular to always blame a victim. For once I feel some healing taking place from listening to you guys. You are the best.
If someone hasn’t been through one, they won’t be able to understand. Y’all made AMAZING points about this and not only that, they’re accurate. Also Audrey is so right, high drive people with integrity do not cheat, they instead find someone who matches their drive well enough to be compatible. I lived through a narcissistic relationship myself and the damage, lies, coercion, and complete manipulation done to you is just SO different than being done wrong in a relationship with a non-narcissistic/non-deceptive/non-exploitative person. It’s so hard to wrap your mind around people doing the things they do. I know I had to have compassion for myself to break free because the abuser had no compassion for me and if I believed I deserved compassion, I could move on, not just physically but psychologically.
Glad to see this because I do not feel Sadia has a real grasp on narcissism. We don't ask victims why they fell for Dahmer, yet we question how someone falls prey to coercive control? It doesn't happen overnight, it happens to very intelligent people too. There aren't always red flags, sometimes you step into a minefield. Of course accountability is taken, but there is a difference between being a forever victim & having been victimized. Focusing on how you got yourself involved is tricky timing during the healing process. I do agree in self-reflection and Sadia's intentions, but I feel like she treads dangerously on the border of shaming victims (based on another video I remember seeing a while back).
I kindly disagree. Let me explain it - for coercion to happen it's necessary that its victim lacks self-confidence, lacks healthy self-image and is very,very insecure in general. Now, it doesn't mean that the victim is to blame. Not at all! It just means, that coercion happened, because it was possible to "hack you" emotionally. You know what I mean... . I was coerced into having a sexual relationship with someone, while I never really wanted it. Why was it possible, what made me malleable? The answer was important, because if one person could "hack me heart and mind", then others might do it as well. Recognizing my weak points protects me now from being coerced, abused and exploited again. I am not to blame. It's my abuser who is. But this tremendous abuse of my trust, my love and also my naivety could happen, because .... it could happen. I had zero defense mechanism. Knowing what was used against me made me able to work on those things, understand my childhood relationship with caregivers, their conditioning etc. I couldn't protect myself in past, but now I am in control of my future decisions. You wouldn't even guess how many toxic people used to surround me in past (including toxic "best friends"). Now all relationships in my life are regulated by my common sense, logic and lesson and the wisdom I gained by overcoming the past trauma. Knowledge is power. Remember - coercion includes our "consent". If we agree to something we don't want - we definitely do have a problem.
@@missstarrynight7736 I respect your opinion and I do realize that's how most people perceive it. But coercive control is a form of psychological manipulation. It is not a reflection of someone's strength or self-confidence-it's a sign of the manipulator's ability to exploit vulnerabilities or circumstances. Their tactics can wear down the most confident people over time. Agree to disagree;)
I agree completely Even though I came from abuse I wasn't aware it was abuse It felt normal Then I met the first person who saw, loved, cared and genuinely wanted a life with me We had 3 kids and then he discarded us all He seemed like the softest and most genuine person Looking back after growth there were red flags But I had to go through this and counselling to even be able to identify them as red flags Thankyou 3 hussies ❤️
So glad you worked through this trauma with therapy. I’ve known a number of people, both women and men, who were in abusive relationships and cheated on. In some cases, the red flags were obvious and it was just impossible to leave because the abusers gaslighted and made them believe that it was normal and the victim’s fault. But in other cases, it came completely unexpected. Everything looked good on the surface and then… boom! It was like a nightmare that as awful as it was, was a shock. I believe it’s always important to analyze the situation, hopefully with a skilled therapist or coach… but not to over analyze it. Get the clarity with self-compassion and then know that the horrible actions weren’t your fault. The biggest challenge, I feel, is to not be trauma-driven in the future relationship while noticing the patterns and willing to walk away if needed, despite the attachment to the lost dream.
Thank you for this episode! I have worked as a domestic violence therapist for 10 years, and trained/ mentored by an expert in the field. She always told me, which I experienced first hand, once they have gained control that’s when the mask slips and sometimes there are not any red flags. Think how taking these abusive people have done this, a lifetime! All we can do is to set our own boundaries and take it slow. Some people are just unlucky. Often pregnancy, marriage or other forms of isolation from supports is when you will see the mask slip. I think you all both did a great job explaining this and I appreciate it’s not “her” fault. Sometimes we never see the red flag until it’s too late.
100% with MH & Audrey on how truly shocked someone can be when the betrayal comes to light. Especially being shocked at the capability for lies and deception.
I found you almost a decade ago, and have appreciated watching you and your evolving work over the years, but I have never respected you more than when I heard you stand strong in that interview/debate, in spite of what seemed a surprisingly fixed and harsh perspective, which is so much more damaging than I can explain, I've heard the experts describe your stance as scientifically backed truth about humanity, citing dozens of studies as proof. But more importantly, my entire body knows and shows the detrimental effects of the opposing mindset, which almost killed me several times over the last several decades. And only self compassion has allowed me to heal enough to stop taking on the responsibility/blame /fault for others behavior and develop boundaries and self worth enough to change a generational pattern of relationships with highly toxic players. So, thank you again, from someone who gets it in my bones and still needs to hear I'm not alone! 🙏🏽❤️
This conversation is so right on point. I literally went through this last night. I took responsibility for remaining in a toxic relationship for too long, when I saw the patterns but was too afraid to leave.I realized that my upbringing played a major part in the fear I had the and lack of self worth and compassion I had. That indeed made it hard for me to let go. When I finally did, it was painful, but I found a new self respect snd compassion for myself that I never thought I’d ever have. I’m starting to speak positively into my life and realize that I deserve better. I’m starting to see that healing is possible, just from showing up for myself,forgiving myself and giving compassion. Thank you guys for this conversation. ❤️❤️❤️
I disagree that there are signs early on. My former husband was amazing & the last person you thought would be unfaithful. He cheated on me because he became unhappy with himself and went through a mid-life crisis. I did EVERYTHING in my power to help him through some of the issues he was going through. He decided to try & escape rather than DO THE WORK of recognizing that some things need to change. He’s worse off than what he was 7 years ago. But now it’s HER problem!!
There are definitely signs!! Some Narcs are very good at hiding themselves and wearing their mask but there are still things intuitively you will pick up on ❤
I disagree with the previous two comments. We are all human and can make mistakes or be unaware. That doesn’t mean these are “red flags” per se. Sometimes they are but not always. If we made a big issue of every misstep or walk away quickly, no one would stay in any relationship. Being sterile in the approach with people isn’t a solution. So sometimes we miss the signs or chose not to make a big deal of a few mistake but learn and grow together. I’ve been in abusive relationships and eventually walked away. I definitely have that shield up whenever I get close to someone, and let me tell you, I pushed away some good people because I was anxious and paranoid. I’m a work in progress but I’ve seen what doesn’t work.
That interview/debate, and the comments under it, made it clear to me just how much of the world thinks that in those black and white Carpman triangle terms. It seems they think you can't hold both self compassion/ empathy AND self responsibility. Which explains why so many attempts to both support others and get support have been met with accusations of victim mindset. Self compassion isn't self pity. Agency is the different. I can't thank you enough! ❤️🙏🏽
Yess!! I’m so glad you did this video! Taking accountability for your actions & what has lead you to certain decisions in your life is different than taking responsibility for someone else’s actions. We got to recognize the patterns if there are any, and start taking a different approach. But even healthy people still can get manipulated. We have to take each experience & learn from them. Dont de-value yourself because of how someone else treated you. Also hold space for those that are currently in this tricky situations because not everyone has been given the tools or knowledge that we have to get out of these situations or to even realize what’s happening to them.
Good point Audrey! We want to trust and see the person, it’s difficult if you are not in same location. Or they give you a lot of attention, excuses, very good at lying.
This was me. I had never experienced a Narcissist and Pathological Liar like this so I was just trusting. He also created a whole life that was easy to believe with his Family helping him keep up the facade.
I’m so glad you had this talk. I had been very uncomfortable with some of the opinions expressed by Khan. They felt very victim-blaming and also geared toward a certain demographic… Hearing Audrey say that she disagrees at the start was super reassuring. Thank you for all that you three do… for your kindness, open-minded opinions, and consideration of everyone’s feelings. You will forever be the best relationship/life advice channel out there. ❤
Out of the hundreds of your videos I have watched, this one has probably been the most impactful and most important for me so far. I had not watched the debate. My immediate reaction was to go down the self accountability route. After listening to the podcast I start thinking that it is actually narcissistic to go down this route. This is an inflated sense of self, right - it assumes that one can control every situation, one can know everything and one can carry the world on their shoulders. I always blame myself and feel like I am responsible for EVERY issue or imperfection. I similarly blame my closest people and feel like they should improve and disect themselves endlessly until they get to this point of perection and total control. This goes with irritation, demands and sometimes disdain on my end - both towards me and towards them. This is unhuman. It is the first time I am seeing things from this perspective. Invaluable
To me, Ms Kahn’s approach caused me to rethink who I listen to because not everybody with a degree, really knows what they are talking about because, they just do not have the insights, life experience and in her situation, is peaking from a very privileged life both as far as looks are concerned and just having things set up for her automatically through her culture. she’s never had to really get down and make her own decisions, never been cheated on, had mummy and daddy do everything for her and has a fabulous husband. There is no way, that a person like that can have any kind of profound insight. She’s perfect for this fluffy time but not for women and men, who are really, really going through it.
I will say, there are always signs. Depending on the past trauma of the person on the receiving end- whether they are intuitive & able to see them for what they are and walk away or not- is where the problem lies. Men who are manipulative always have signs, sorry they do. Might be small ones- the way you notice them behave when you’re talking (the guy I was with was always looking around the room when I’d speak) the way they talk about themselves, others- the guy I was with would always be critical of others- etc etc. you just overlook them or make excuses for them. Whereas healthy people who have healed their traumas don’t give these men the time of day or make any excuses for them. Women know. Intuition about these things is always there and it’s not anxiety. There’s a deep knowing something is off but we’re usually so in our heads and wanting a certain outcome that we ignore what our body and spirit is telling us. I know from my own experience there were always signs- major MAJOR differences between how healthy men I met spoke and how unhealthy ones did. And I always went with the unhealthy ones- I knew. Acted like I didn’t and convinced myself I even didn’t but oh I knew something was not right. I’ve been with charming men (I knew right away something was odd because of the way they spoke and more importantly what they DIDN’T say) men who were grandiose- I mean all kinds of men who were all very different, and who all had very narcissistic traits that I picked up from the first date- even when they were subtle I definitely noticed them and chose to overlook them
Agreed. I knew something was off from the beginning. Definitely saw a lack of empathy and always bringing the conversation back to themselves. Bullying behavior, rageful over the top anger with finger pointing in my face, emotional blackmail, deflections, not taking responsibility. I saw it All. I tried communicating for years. I was naive and didn’t really understand the depth of problems this person had. Like just change this toxic shit already. But I also have to take responsibility for the fact that I allowed disrespect. I allowed it and that’s what I need to focus on now. I allowed it. I can’t blame that person
@@beth8275 hey! Don’t be hard on yourself seriously- I was in your shoes. You went into it probably thinking you’d change him or if you’d just try and give enough, someone would love & choose you. It’s okay- yes you can put blame on him. What he did to you was wrong- grieve that. The “responsibility” part comes in when your eyes have been opened- what’s your next right move? I hope it’s to never allow someone to treat you that way again- that’s how you take responsibility for your life. Never hurt yourself like that. You wouldn’t wish that for your kid (if you had a daughter) you wouldn’t want that for your best friend- why are you any different? You’re someone who loves people- even very difficult hard to love people- that shows you’re empathetic, loyal, patient- you have the kind of love that some men out there have been waiting for their entire lives. Put this behind you and keep moving forward. And if it makes you feel any better, what he did was wrong, evil is evil- but I can say with confidence it had nothing to do with you. I’ve experienced narcissism on more levels than imaginable- and people with these mindset have a “feed the beast at all costs” brain where they will do anything and everything to maintain their ego and they really don’t feel and act like normal humans- they don’t think the same, they have no moral code- they could find someone besides you, seem happy and get married, but they don’t change. No matter who they’re with their life will be hell and those who end up with these guys are constantly stressed, aging, sick- I mean it’s not a pretty picture. Narcissists go down in life- things usually get worse for them. Be lucky you got out and your eyes have been opened- don’t go back to that. Keep moving forward :) all the best to you-
True I agree with this when I look at patterns in who I've been attracted to and it didn't help that I had a father with narcissism who was very abusive. I fell into the trap but having said that there are still some narcissists who are incredibly skilled at hiding it until WAY down the line and only then you start to pick up on things, and not everyone can pick up on the signs if they lack experience or understanding. I was heavily manipulated in my first relationship (I was 18 years old) , he was straight up a clear narcissist, always gaslit me (I didn't even understand what that was back then) and I was so innocent and oblivious. When I look back I just think GOOD GOD , I would NEVER even look twice in the direction of a man like that and to this day after 11 years I still don't wish a drop of goodness on him for what he did. I've had a pattern of who I've attracted and ended up with over the years and it's crazy how different you see things when you really start to understand and recognise what was happening all along and when you come out the bubble you were stuck in for so long. I'm way more vocal in relationships now setting strong boundaries and if someone really doesn't respect it and even comes close to certain behaviours and i notice it as a pattern...pfffttt even if I care for them, I care and love myself more - its a good bye👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼 I don't really attract people like that so much now anyway but there's always someone who will try their luck
As I watched the podcast with Matt and Sadia, it was apparent that it would be an episode with very divisive views. Like everything we are currently experiencing - be it politics, the economy or relationships - our perspectives come from our experiences. Facts and information only get us so far. To truly understand anything, we must live it. So how can we expect anyone whose life has not been tainted by a narcissist to understand the nuances of this dynamic? Words alone cannot describe the sadistic ways in which a narcissist manipulates, distorts reality and inflicts pain without a thought. I used to get very triggered by people who told me that I have to take responsibility for what happens in my life. But now, I simply give myself a big hug and say to myself, “you did well, you are still here and I’m proud of you”.
I kept asking and still sometimes ask. What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? What could I have done better? But the truth is, they made their choice to cheat and hurt you. You can't control their actions, only your own. They made the conscious decision to cheat. You weren't even a part of the equation.
Thank you so much MH AH & SH! You have it right coming someone who was totally blind sided by betrayal. My husband hid 2 relationships from me (and each other) for 10 years! There is no way I could’ve seen the ‘red flags’ until after the fact! That’s like saying if any new partner has to travel for work then that’s a red flag! If he has to work late…red flag! If he wants to go on a boys trip…Red flag! Give me a damn break. God, you’d have to hire a PI to avoid all red flags! I have no energy or interest in babysitting a man. I’ll keep my side of the street clean and honor myself. That’s all I can ‘control’. Love you MH! ❤
I can’t thank you enough for this episode! It mirrors a situation I’m helping a client through right now-they’ve been struggling with post-relationship guilt, thinking they should have 'seen the signs' of their partner’s infidelity. Your approach to self-compassion and accountability is exactly what they need to hear. So often, we think that being compassionate to ourselves means we’re ignoring responsibility, when in fact, it’s the key to truly healing and setting healthier boundaries. This episode has given me new language to help guide my client through their recovery. Bravo for always offering such deep, practical insights!
I think the number of Narcissists, cheaters, men without any values is like... I don't know it's like flood of such men. That's why I quit dating because it's sensless
This is getting so specific for me. I was naive at 18 and fell for a 39 year old narcissist who swept me off my feet. 7 years later a divorce, destroyed self esteem, trust, and credit (he stole money from me). My next relationship was with an amazing partner, but after the honeymoon phase I started to lose trust in him because I had never healed from my previous abusive relationship. In my hyper vigilance, I became the narcissistic abuser! I was toxic and my mental health was terrible. He pushed me away with his avoidant attitude and I sabotaged the relationship with my anxious behavior.
Thank you for being more compassionate. I didn’t even know what a narcissist person was or that people could truly be hurtful and deceitful and liars in relationships. When I dated someone who made me question my reality I blamed myself because i had no idea someone could lie and be so deceptive. You think the best of people. However, now I see warning signs. But again thank you for being compassionate to those that are faithful and loving and look for the best in others.
'Forgive myself for having stayed' - thank you, Matthew. 🩷 Great discussion, wise advice and perspectives from you all. Lovely to hear from Audrey too. Thank you, Matthew, Stephen and Audrey. 🩷
When I listened to your podcast together I thought that she must have been hurt somewhere in her past or saw someone she loved get hurt and felt like they should have seen it coming. I agree with you! Accountability can only come in after I know something. I can’t be accountable for what I don’t know and living with the mindset that ppl are bad and I have to find their flaws will give you the worse life experiences. Abused people-no matter if it’s cheating or whatever category-are not responsible for another human being’s decision to act in disregard for another. PERIOD
I loved every sentence you guys uttered in this video ❤ i agree completely with what you said. I also appreciate how you gave grace to Sadia, even though its difficult for me to listen to her any more.
I agree fully and, surprisingly, although I have healed fully already, listening to this made me even more committed to self-compassion and accountability. Thank you❤
My long distance girlfriend left me after I expressed to her that I felt like my needs weren’t being met in terms of communication. I wanted to talk to her more and be a larger part of her day because I felt that we were gradually slipping away from one another. I brought it up several times but every time, she had gotten upset at me and told me I had many things to work on too. I took everything to heart and worked on improving myself but she never improved on communication and I didn’t hear from her for days. Meanwhile, her friends took up the time we used to spend with each other. Eventually, she admitted that she didn’t want to spend time because all the conversations I had brought up about me wanting more time with her made her feel attacked and inadequate, though I expressed to her that it was all just to strengthen a bond that I valued with her more than anything. It’s a weird situation and we haven’t talked in about 2 weeks. I don’t know what to do, she is an amazing person.
She is NOT an amazing person! She just ghosted you (right after your attempt to improve things!!!) Translation: she just abused you at the time of you being vulnerable!! In other words, you politely bring up your needs and your boundaries, and she punishes you for that with silent treatment. It's blatant emotional ABUSE. ABUSE. ABUSE. ABUSE. ABUSE. PLEASE take off your rose colored glasses and realise that you have been love-bombed in order for you to become blind to the upcoming abuse.....😢 When you communicate your needs, she needs to respond with something regarding your issue - not blame you back with other issues. Otherwise it''s blame-shifting. Ask yourself NOW if she will never change and there will never be appropriate communication with her and she will continue to give silent treatments and accusations of "being attacked" for your honest communication attempts with her - will you want to live like this forever? In my opinion that would be pure torture. Even good sex wouldn't be worth it! If she (let's say) simply cannot or is not willing to change for you OR your communication needs are in opposition to her own needs, she would politely tell you that and suggest that you decide if you like to continue this relationship even if she will NOT consider changing her communication style to accommodate your needs. And then you would think and decide if it's worth it or not... But instead of clear communication, she blame-shifts and accuses you for even bringing up the issue in the first place! She makes you feel bad for having boundaries. Having different communication needs and expressing that politely IS NOT an attack!!!! Unless you cursed her and called her "bitch" when communicating her needs, you did not attack anyone by simply providing feedback. Again, you gave her your feedback on your needs. That's NOT an attack. Did you yell at her face something like "you, f**king bitch, you never talk to me the right way!!! What's wrong with you?" Did you talk like that??? If yes, then it was really a rude way and probably felt like an attack. But I'm sure you used polite words and neutral language at worst, combined with the sweetest tone of voice. And yet, you got accused! How about this? You want to give her a taste of her medicine? Say nothing confrontational and be her sweet slave for a day or two. Then disappear for two months. Don't talk to her at all(no texting no calling) for two months straight. Then if she is gone, she's gone. But there's 99% chance in two months she will get back or text something about what happened to you. And you reply to her with "What's your problem, miss drama queen? Why you keep attacking me and act so clingy? Gosh, you don't even let me breathe. Give me a break!" See how mad she would get....😂 Or just leave her alone and forget her. I had an ex who would break his promises to me. When I would politely bring it up to him with the sweetest tone of voice - he would accuse me of "starting a fight". See? He made an agreement to do something, then he didn't do it (which means he literally lied to me when promised to do something). But I ended up being the guilty one for even bringing it up in a polite manner. That's how they gaslight you, making you feel guilty for not liking their abuse of you! He was accusing me for not enjoying his constant breaking of promises to me. And I didn't see the abuse, I just felt confused and hurt. Don't be afraid to lose her. Okay? Never be afraid to lose people who are not afraid of disrespecting you.
@@user-ee5om8wy7uI don’t know, maybe I didn’t bring up problems to her the right way, I know my own way of verbalizing my feelings can be poor sometimes. I made mistakes too, I just don’t know why she couldn’t work on hers like I worked on mine.
Hate to say it but doesn’t sound like an amazing person. I’ve had to recently correct myself in this regard. I kept believing my wife was an amazing person even after she cheated on me with multiple guys over the course of our entire marriage. Fact is she is not a good wife and has a very low moral code. We need to realize this to heal properly
Anyone who is not capable of self reflection and empathy about what their partner feels is not an amazing person. Most likely, you mean that she is things like smart, charming, has said amazing things to you in the past. But her morals are what define amazing. I thought my ex was amazing. Stayed with him for so long. He acted the same. Deflecting, ghosting. Eventually, i discovered he was cheating. Ask yourself if you’re ok with hanging on to someone who shows they cannot consider your feelings. That will manifest in so many painful ways.
Same here!! I tried and tried, to explain how I felt and that a relationship takes difficult conversations.. He was like 'It just doesn't work.' and broke up with me. His mom sent me a text that she was really sorry things ended between us, I responded: 'I'm sorry too. I learned that I need someone who's 100% in, not just for fun.. I want to built a life with someone. And I need someone who's emotionally grown up to do this together with me. But the 'together' part seems to be really difficult. I love him, but I let him go.' He got angry at me about what I texted, turns things around that I'm the one who cannot brake up like a grown up, and that I'm staying in a victim mindset, I need to fix my own shit... While HE kept hanging out with girls (one was his fwb's before me), not texting me or calling me when he told me he would, constant deflecting when I try to talk about things... It was exhausting. After the break up, my anxiety is gone, don't have headaches any more, started eating healthy and working out. Feel so much better!!!
I came across this video while returning from vacation. I listened to it carefully. I bet it was a sign since it resonates with my actual mindset. As a person who has cumulated 7 relationships and always been quited for "no reason" (sometimes with no explanation), i can say that i do not have trust anymore in anyone. I have decided to close myself and my heart to the world. I do not want it anymore. Even if i wanted, it won't happen to me. Unfortunately, my trust is destroyed now and i do not feel legimate for relationships.
Brilliant conversation. This needs to be out there so people can process what has happened to them and get on with it quicker than if they just try to figure it out on their own. This can really lead to quicker healing for a lot of people. Bravo 🙏
It happened to me, 29 years with my X she cheated on the first husband, cheated on me the second husband, and when I was down on hard times she found someone else behind my back and acted like I didn't exist, so after 29 years I walked out, that's what she wanted me to do so she can be with the next fool, it's hard to believe that this was my wife,
Thank you so much Matthew for your poignant and accurate statement when you spoke of self compassion and the 2 things to do for oneself. The truth in what you said has left me with a moment of clarity and self reflection. I can tell that something possibly in your past might be very similar to mine in some way. It’s so coincidental that I swear you could be talking about myself in many ways. I am presently in the process of separating from my narcissistic husband of 27 years (who cheated and lied about it for 5 years) AND I have also been brought up in an emotionally neglected household. Many of your podcasts (with also Dr. Ramani and Lisa Romano and many others) have been nothing but incredibly helpful, supportive and reassuring. Thank you for your compassion and knowledge, you have made a difference in my life and I very much appreciate it. 🙏
I've been emotionally damaged from a man I loved dearly yet couldn't man up or be honest. Facing so much that I've been an emotional roller coaster. Yet it takes time to fully heal from so much emotional trauma. That it becomes so hard to love yourself fully and feeling very insecure.
Great podcast! I came to the point in my 36yr marriage, that I went No Contact for a period, while telling him "I love you, but I love myself more". We came back together, but I'd gained strength and revealed a change in my relationship with "the church"(aka Christianity) had changed, knowing this was giving him an out. We separated then and there, with no further questions from him. Life is good 🙂
My ex was so good to me. He made me feel so safe. He made me feel so loved. I was the one who seemed to have a higher sex drive. I knew he had some insecurities, but I never, ever thought he would taint his own identity by cheating. He said all of the right things. I never saw it coming. He was an avoidant. I didn’t know what that was until after the discard.
I'm always amazed at the level of intelligence all of you showcase in these podcasts. You're helping so many people and spreading love and light around the world. You're the best! 🙏💫✨
Thank you to all three of you for doing a follow-up on this! I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to contact you directly since I first heard the podcast episode with Lewis Howes. I wanted to hug you and say, thank you so much for what you said in that episode about self-compassion. And standing up for those of us who have been in lifelong abusive relationships with family community members, etc. etce. And especially for how respectful, curious, and courageously you demonstrating the very thing you were trying to communicate:that a compassion and a connection mindset is so much healthier and better than a black and white "I'm right, you're wrong mindset." I'm so grateful for your voice in this! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
I find Sadia to be completely off in her advice & wouldn't be surprised if she was a fraud. Obviously, I don't know her. I just think she skirts around issues, grazes the surface, over-simplifies, and gives 80's style, New Age 'wisdom' which is always the same; 'Why did I attract this experience to myself?' That question is one thousandth of the picture and doesn't require a social media guru to do interviews and make a million videos and a few million dollars. But she is very pretty & I'm sure men like looking at her while she talks.
You're responsible for the pattern not someone else's behavior. So true. Also 'relatively' healthy people don't cheat for the same reason that a narcissist cheats. Different motivations call for our different responses.
This video was so powerful for me. I have been hyper vigilant round men for years and I have taken rejection very personally every time it happens such that I haven't dated in 12 years.
This really resonated with me. Thank you three Hussey's. You each brought so much wisdom and growth to the healing process. I just went through all of this and came out stronger because I learned how to love myself. Amen. Thank you for this courageous and eye opening consciousness shift you bring to the world!
I listened to one of Sadia‘s interviews and realized she caters to men of the red pill community. When she proudly talked about her friendship with Andrew Tate - and that she has his number and talks to him because he is like a typical Pakistani diaspora friend - I knew she is just not a woman who would ever support any woman but she is just a pick me.
Beautiful conversation. Has helped me so much. For me, I did sense something was off but I was intoxicated with the love bombing so I ignored what my gut was telling me. I had never come across someone who was so dishonest and sinister. I just didn’t know crocodiles existed. Naive. I offered way too much empathy and understanding but what Mathew said about it most likely being fear - that resonates with me. I hadn’t thought about that. I was petrified to blow my own life up. I finally did get the courage to leave and I know I deserve better.
Thank you for this conversation! And a reminder for me to NOT watch the Sadia interview 😂 I just got cheated on and cannot emotionally handle being blamed for it 😅 I need gentle parenting right now (and always)
Im so glad you had this conversation with Stephen and Audrey. The whole time I was listening to the conversation with you Sadia, I was wondering what their thoughts were.
Omgah 32:17 you just made a paradigm shift for me, Stephen!! I realized I DID internalize all my rejections and assumed something was deeply terribly wrong about me that I just couldn't see....and so I've done a lot of digging to figure it out and can't quite figure it out, but still hold this nebulous feeling that I have a secret fatal flaw 😂 It was so reassuring to hear you say 'that's rarely the case.' Also you look super handsome!!
Thank you for sharing these healthy relationship patterns! It's so important to highlight positive behaviors, especially in a world where many people struggle with toxicity and often blame themselves in unhealthy dynamics 👍🌱
As someone who has cheated and been cheated on, I think Matthew is right. To make it fun, it was a paradox to betray someone for someone who would betray me in many ways. Instant karma - someone could say. I was stuck in this toxic dependency for a very long time. Too long. It was only my mother's awareness and perspective that made me find compassion for myself. And perhaps another trauma and loss occurred, but a new dimension of love appeared. Deeper, knowing his worth and not satisfied with scraps.
Although I am a middle age woman, only had two long lasting relationships….. I do not have great men experience. These videos it helps me to navigate around men , although it guided me to not get stuck with a wrong person. I am more in team ‘Matthew’ rather than Sadiya. Despite of lack of knowledge I believe that she is more of an idealist…. And now I shall generalise ( which definitely leads to this ‘ gender conflict’….. that certain men love bomb , future fake to hook / reel a woman in and slowly pick and pokes at her after, plus gaslighting her. It sounds outraging and maybe is subconsciously was not ‘ the initial intention’ ( which probably it happened for centuries but in a different manner)….. but in modern society everyone wears a mask ( again generalising) making an inexperienced person vulnerable , doubtful and susceptible to manipulators and people that give 10% to 5 persons at the time ( as Stephen (speaks) says ‘ you cannot watch 5 movies in the same time without missing on something).
I have come across a person's story that in learning of it , showed how much I have changed, having been in a life shattering betrayal. This person heard from her partner a comment towards her, that she knew that she could not ever get over, and hence could not move forward in that 10 year relationship. Just one thing, you ask? Well with her, it broke the relationship. I found myself admiring that. One can perhaps surmise, that she had wanted out in the first place. But I think, it should only take one moment, for a heart to be broken and we do not need, a hundred more examples. In my life, accepting horrific behaviour, had been conditioned into me, from childhood. Yes, we at some point... never at the crash of betrayal, but much later.. our patterns must be explored.... with compassion.
My understanding is that Sadia, as a therapist, was explaining the psychological mechanisms that often lead to cheating or misbehavior in general, offering a logical and rational perspective. Meanwhile, Matthew seemed to be speaking from a place of emotion and healing. They were essentially addressing two different aspects of the same issue, and both truths can coexist-Sadia’s clinical understanding of behavior and Matthew’s emotional experience are equally valid, just coming from different angles.
Bottom line, to me, is that most people do not have the skills to develop healthy relationships...and soooo they remain involved in a spectrum of dysfunctional relationships or unhappy situations which they don't not know how to fix or leave. Many are easily diverted to cheating when that "other" person feeds what they are missing...but, what happens is that those relationships are screwed up as well because they are deceptive and do not fix the lack of skills they have and those relationships fall into the same patterns acted out slightly differently...just with a different person. WHO TEACHES US how to create healthy relationships from early on?...basically NO BODY. It's hit or miss. Every cheater has a reason...that is NOT EXCUSing them...but they do have a reason... repeated cheaters have emotional distortions on relationships and distorted self image. Incidental cheaters...generally, do so to get out of the situation they are in and probably never do it again.
You are so right, no one teaches you relationship skills. Check out the book "Why We Pick The Mates We Do." By Anne Teachworth. It helped me recover from bad patterns and create a new mindset for new relationships that are healthy. It definitely does work.
This conversation underscores the nuanced nature of accountability-it's not about blaming others but recognizing our power to choose responses amidst complex emotions and compromised boundaries. Accountable our own actions. Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings on self-compassion expand this understanding, enhancing our autonomy. It's vital to avoid theories that diminish our agency, such as attributing behaviors to external factors like narcissism or societal structures, trauma etc. Real understanding involves learning to manage suffering with compassion, recognizing love as an active endeavor, not just a passive feeling. Real narcissism can be identified through specific patterns, advocating for a balance between understanding and maintaining healthy boundaries. Steven in the black T-shirt appears to appreciate this nuanced perspective, elevating the dialogue to a constructive level where integration, not dichotomy, is the goal.
Thank you for your logic and compassion! ❤ Sadia helps a lot of people, but I also disagree with her on some points, i.e. the ones that Matthew and Aubrey pointed out.
It’s the drama these cluster b’s generate that do draw you in often unintentionally but as soon as the dramas become such a regular occurrence and so ridiculous you start to question what is going on. Narcs / borderlines need you to attend 24/7 to their needs so where you think you have found your soulmate you really haven’t. Watch how they manipulate every situation when you try to make it about you. Relationships is supporting one another and growing to be a better person. That won’t ever happen for you with a narcissist/ borderline. They enmesh with you and your responsibility is them. Every drama and hysteria is about them. You will never be able to leave them but they will always be leaving you. My best advice is do your due diligence these crazy clowns will have back story that never aligns with who they say they are. They cause shit and run so you will find that someone can support your doubts.
If we keep taking responsibility of other person's bad behavior, there could be a risk, not only that you'll be hypervigilant in future relationships, but also not being able to trust yourself. Like... I chose this cheating person, so i can't trust my judgement on people
I’m exactly here.. as I’ve tried the accountability route listening to people on the internet as a form of therapy… choose better. Now I’m entirely afraid of relationships because I might choose wrong again.. and it will my fault again, but along with that I’ve shut family and friends out because now I’ve questioned every choice I’ve made 😂🙈 I write a poem the other day about isolating being my safety but I’m shackled because of it x
It’s all about personal empowerment and growth. I survived a toxic relationship so here is my point of view: It's essential to take accountability for what you allowed and tolerated in the past. Acknowledging that you made mistakes by staying in a toxic relationship requires humility. At the same time, it’s crucial to extend self-compassion, recognizing that you made the best choices you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time. It’s a balance. Without accountability, particularly for overlooking "small" red flags or not recognizing them, you risk feeling powerless. Telling yourself that you never saw the toxicity coming-and therefore couldn't have prevented it-keeps you trapped in a cycle. That mindset can hold you back, but there's freedom in objectively assessing the situation. By doing so, you empower yourself to make better choices in the future, armed with the wisdom you’ve gained.
My ex just introduced me to his new girlfriend! I was shattered but ignored him at that time and just walked away! That was 2 days ago and I’m down the rabbit hole as to how he could be in another relationship so soon after our breakup. It was like “here’s your hat, what your hurry” and I was so easily discarded.
Comment about learning to trust again. It is so hard! But...I got to this thought. Look at the patterns. If someone perpetually lies, sneaks, makes selfish decisions, etc., and they do one nice thing...does that make them suddenly not toxic? Well no, of course not. A broken clock is right twice a day (once if it's on military time, ha). If someone who we've always caught in truths instead of lies, who every time we've doubted we've been proved wrong, who works behind the scenes for our good and doesn't ask for credit./ advertise their good deeds...when that person then does something that seems sketchy... Take a step back and THINK. Brainstorm good reasons for their seemingly sketchy behavior. There probably are some good reasons, and they're probably not too hard to imagine. Esp if you're with an Avoidant. But anyhow. I look at patterns. And if something doesn't fit the pattern, I pray about it, and I consider it. Could this mean a new pattern? Could there be a good reason for it? Etc. Hope that helps someone.
You think the narcissist loves you, but in reality they’re really just in love with how you make them feel about themselves.
OMG! That’s what my ex fiancé use to say to me! He would tell me that he loved how I made him feel! He was a Covert Narcissist.
@@marihunt4314 loving someone while they are continually making you feel like shit is such a difficult thing to do but I believe it is necessary for personal growth. loving those who treat you well isn’t difficult. Loving how someone makes you feel is the basis of every affair in existence, guess it’s why it is so closely related to narcissistic personalities. As soon as you stop meeting their needs they go out and find it elsewhere rather than opening up and talking like adults and working through the tough times.
We all want to feel love, but when one person never takes accountability when they dont come through thats the Narc
This is an erie description and so true. They will even admit this to you during or after the discard. It's creeeepppyyy😳
Not even close to what was being communicated between the 2 of you.
“You’re responsible for the pattern, not for the sinister things someone did” -MH 💯
I agree with Audrey 100% those who were cheated on or betrayed in some way shouldn’t take the blame for their partners bad behavior. There were signs my ex was being more distant but I wouldn’t think he’d go behind my back and betray me like he did.
I agree with Stephen, until you have been through a relationship with a narcissist you are not able to see the signs and take notice of them. Unfortunately, it has to be experienced to learn what it's like.
Thank you! Sick of blaming ourselves for other people's crappy behaviors.
May we all have the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽💗
amen
Self compassion is what makes us say “enough is enough” - MH 💯
Say it with me everyone: "I am NOT responsible for YOUR choice to be a dishonest person"
I can be responsible for that uncalled for thing that I said during an argument, I can be responsible for my own fear of rejection, I can be responsible for not holding my own boundaries, but I will NEVER be responsible for YOU choice to lie, and cheat, and gaslight, as a way of getting YOUR needs met instead of doing things the right way.
That is YOUR choice. And it's 100% on you.
When I listened to the Khan-Hussey debate on Lewis' show, I was appalled at how insensate and victim-blamey she seemed. As someone irreparably traumatized by a narcissistic partner of nearly two decades who cheated on me for a year and was endlessly deceitful in the face of my good will when he was being complacent in the relationship, deceitful in the face of my fundamental expectation of trust, the "Where did I go wrong?" could ONLY have been properly answered with a response like, "I didn't love myself enough to seek someone who CHOSE me with joy and enthusiasm every day,." It is NOT the case that I was at fault for trusting others. Trustworthy people trust others by default. Matthew, when you talked about self-tyranny in that episode, it really stuck with me and made me start monitoring my self-destructive thought patterns. Thank you for representing and defending the side of the conversation that says self-compassion is required for someone to see that they deserve more.
Check out the book 'Dodging Energy Vampires' by Christiane Northrup. It's very good. I also listen to RUclips talks by Lisa A Romano & Jerry Wise. I do Lisa's workshop and bought Melanie Tonia Evans' excellent NARP meditations, which were essential for me early on. George Simon also has excellent info on how empathic people need to deal with narcissistic or psychopathic ones.
I’m with khan. We only have ourselves to protect when we are single. We have to be accountable to ourselves.
Couldn’t agree more.
The reason why I always find my self running to come and get Matthew's view point is bc it's always Genuine, Balance, Indepth and altogether HEALTHY.
So true
'I'm not protecting the one person in the world I should be protecting' ❤❤
I’m 37 and I just caught my wife emotionally cheating with three different men. It was the only time I’ve ever checked her phone and now I’m somehow blaming myself somehow. We were married nine years and my world is on fire.
As they say about narcissists-when they show you who they are, believe them! While Sadia may come across as a beautiful and knowledgeable expert, I've come to the conclusion that she's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her views consistently shift the blame onto women, suggesting they fail in relationships because they're not beautiful enough, or exciting to men, or they were not smart enough to see the signs. This is not just misguided-it's harmful. She may enjoy the attention and the title of 'expert,' but her perspectives do more damage than good, reinforcing the very stereotypes that keep women trapped in cycles of self-blame.
100 percent yes
She's a misogynist, red pill apologist. I despise her.
I m a neuropsychologist and I think she s full of shit. I hate when people use their job title to affirm baseless opinions as factual.
Agree with you thats why idon't watch her anymore
Blocked her. Always had a weird feeling. And only recently really recognized how she belittles everyone and keeps talking about “high value women”- as if she is one. It’s nothing but a power dynamic to make herself look smart while putting others down
Thank you so so so much for your empathy and sensibility. You know it’s what someone needs after being abused. Someone calling a spade a spade and *not* blaming the victim for not being clairvoyant and therefore picking a partner who turned out to be abusive a while in. Basically everyone else says it’s your own fault, and they say it with such disdain! Even therapists. It’s very popular to always blame a victim. For once I feel some healing taking place from listening to you guys. You are the best.
Some of us are blindsided even in our sixties, & I imagine, even beyond
I’m 55 and just blindsided-discovered years of betrayal from spouse of 23 years
If someone hasn’t been through one, they won’t be able to understand. Y’all made AMAZING points about this and not only that, they’re accurate. Also Audrey is so right, high drive people with integrity do not cheat, they instead find someone who matches their drive well enough to be compatible. I lived through a narcissistic relationship myself and the damage, lies, coercion, and complete manipulation done to you is just SO different than being done wrong in a relationship with a non-narcissistic/non-deceptive/non-exploitative person. It’s so hard to wrap your mind around people doing the things they do. I know I had to have compassion for myself to break free because the abuser had no compassion for me and if I believed I deserved compassion, I could move on, not just physically but psychologically.
Glad to see this because I do not feel Sadia has a real grasp on narcissism. We don't ask victims why they fell for Dahmer, yet we question how someone falls prey to coercive control? It doesn't happen overnight, it happens to very intelligent people too. There aren't always red flags, sometimes you step into a minefield. Of course accountability is taken, but there is a difference between being a forever victim & having been victimized. Focusing on how you got yourself involved is tricky timing during the healing process. I do agree in self-reflection and Sadia's intentions, but I feel like she treads dangerously on the border of shaming victims (based on another video I remember seeing a while back).
I kindly disagree. Let me explain it - for coercion to happen it's necessary that its victim lacks self-confidence, lacks healthy self-image and is very,very insecure in general. Now, it doesn't mean that the victim is to blame. Not at all! It just means, that coercion happened, because it was possible to "hack you" emotionally. You know what I mean... . I was coerced into having a sexual relationship with someone, while I never really wanted it. Why was it possible, what made me malleable? The answer was important, because if one person could "hack me heart and mind", then others might do it as well. Recognizing my weak points protects me now from being coerced, abused and exploited again. I am not to blame. It's my abuser who is. But this tremendous abuse of my trust, my love and also my naivety could happen, because .... it could happen. I had zero defense mechanism. Knowing what was used against me made me able to work on those things, understand my childhood relationship with caregivers, their conditioning etc. I couldn't protect myself in past, but now I am in control of my future decisions. You wouldn't even guess how many toxic people used to surround me in past (including toxic "best friends"). Now all relationships in my life are regulated by my common sense, logic and lesson and the wisdom I gained by overcoming the past trauma. Knowledge is power. Remember - coercion includes our "consent". If we agree to something we don't want - we definitely do have a problem.
@@missstarrynight7736 I respect your opinion and I do realize that's how most people perceive it. But coercive control is a form of psychological manipulation. It is not a reflection of someone's strength or self-confidence-it's a sign of the manipulator's ability to exploit vulnerabilities or circumstances. Their tactics can wear down the most confident people over time. Agree to disagree;)
I agree completely
Even though I came from abuse
I wasn't aware it was abuse
It felt normal
Then I met the first person who saw, loved, cared and genuinely wanted a life with me
We had 3 kids and then he discarded us all
He seemed like the softest and most genuine person
Looking back after growth there were red flags
But I had to go through this and counselling to even be able to identify them as red flags
Thankyou
3 hussies ❤️
So glad you worked through this trauma with therapy. I’ve known a number of people, both women and men, who were in abusive relationships and cheated on. In some cases, the red flags were obvious and it was just impossible to leave because the abusers gaslighted and made them believe that it was normal and the victim’s fault.
But in other cases, it came completely unexpected. Everything looked good on the surface and then… boom! It was like a nightmare that as awful as it was, was a shock.
I believe it’s always important to analyze the situation, hopefully with a skilled therapist or coach… but not to over analyze it. Get the clarity with self-compassion and then know that the horrible actions weren’t your fault.
The biggest challenge, I feel, is to not be trauma-driven in the future relationship while noticing the patterns and willing to walk away if needed, despite the attachment to the lost dream.
“You’re responsible for the pattern you’re not responsible for the sinister thing that someone did…” really resonates with me Matthew!
Thank you for this episode! I have worked as a domestic violence therapist for 10 years, and trained/ mentored by an expert in the field. She always told me, which I experienced first hand, once they have gained control that’s when the mask slips and sometimes there are not any red flags. Think how taking these abusive people have done this, a lifetime! All we can do is to set our own boundaries and take it slow. Some people are just unlucky. Often pregnancy, marriage or other forms of isolation from supports is when you will see the mask slip. I think you all both did a great job explaining this and I appreciate it’s not “her” fault. Sometimes we never see the red flag until it’s too late.
100% with MH & Audrey on how truly shocked someone can be when the betrayal comes to light. Especially being shocked at the capability for lies and deception.
I found you almost a decade ago, and have appreciated watching you and your evolving work over the years, but I have never respected you more than when I heard you stand strong in that interview/debate, in spite of what seemed a surprisingly fixed and harsh perspective, which is so much more damaging than I can explain, I've heard the experts describe your stance as scientifically backed truth about humanity, citing dozens of studies as proof. But more importantly, my entire body knows and shows the detrimental effects of the opposing mindset, which almost killed me several times over the last several decades. And only self compassion has allowed me to heal enough to stop taking on the responsibility/blame /fault for others behavior and develop boundaries and self worth enough to change a generational pattern of relationships with highly toxic players. So, thank you again, from someone who gets it in my bones and still needs to hear I'm not alone! 🙏🏽❤️
This was a great one. I feel like Audrey is such a great addition to the team.
I am already a fan
Yes, and so is Stephen 🙂
Yes she is! She's wonderful.
This conversation is so right on point. I literally went through this last night. I took responsibility for remaining in a toxic relationship for too long, when I saw the patterns but was too afraid to leave.I realized that my upbringing played a major part in the fear I had the and lack of self worth and compassion I had. That indeed made it hard for me to let go. When I finally did, it was painful, but I found a new self respect snd compassion for myself that I never thought I’d ever have. I’m starting to speak positively into my life and realize that I deserve better. I’m starting to see that healing is possible, just from showing up for myself,forgiving myself and giving compassion. Thank you guys for this conversation. ❤️❤️❤️
I disagree that there are signs early on. My former husband was amazing & the last person you thought would be unfaithful. He cheated on me because he became unhappy with himself and went through a mid-life crisis. I did EVERYTHING in my power to help him through some of the issues he was going through. He decided to try & escape rather than DO THE WORK of recognizing that some things need to change. He’s worse off than what he was 7 years ago. But now it’s HER problem!!
You’re an anomaly if there truly weren’t signs. In most cases, most people aren’t self-aware enough to even recognise the signs.
There are definitely signs!! Some Narcs are very good at hiding themselves and wearing their mask but there are still things intuitively you will pick up on ❤
I disagree with the previous two comments. We are all human and can make mistakes or be unaware. That doesn’t mean these are “red flags” per se. Sometimes they are but not always. If we made a big issue of every misstep or walk away quickly, no one would stay in any relationship. Being sterile in the approach with people isn’t a solution. So sometimes we miss the signs or chose not to make a big deal of a few mistake but learn and grow together. I’ve been in abusive relationships and eventually walked away. I definitely have that shield up whenever I get close to someone, and let me tell you, I pushed away some good people because I was anxious and paranoid. I’m a work in progress but I’ve seen what doesn’t work.
100% agree. I refuse to take responsibility for a man that is cheating for no other reason than to boost his fragile ego
There were no signs. Everyone else thought my husband was so sweet and trustworthy. Cheated. He cheated.
“It was never simple for me to leave”… whew ❤😭🙏
I always come back to your videos.
That interview/debate, and the comments under it, made it clear to me just how much of the world thinks that in those black and white Carpman triangle terms. It seems they think you can't hold both self compassion/ empathy AND self responsibility. Which explains why so many attempts to both support others and get support have been met with accusations of victim mindset. Self compassion isn't self pity. Agency is the different. I can't thank you enough! ❤️🙏🏽
Yess!! I’m so glad you did this video! Taking accountability for your actions & what has lead you to certain decisions in your life is different than taking responsibility for someone else’s actions. We got to recognize the patterns if there are any, and start taking a different approach. But even healthy people still can get manipulated. We have to take each experience & learn from them. Dont de-value yourself because of how someone else treated you. Also hold space for those that are currently in this tricky situations because not everyone has been given the tools or knowledge that we have to get out of these situations or to even realize what’s happening to them.
Good point Audrey! We want to trust and see the person, it’s difficult if you are not in same location. Or they give you a lot of attention, excuses, very good at lying.
This was me.
I had never experienced a Narcissist and Pathological Liar like this so I was just trusting. He also created a whole life that was easy to believe with his Family helping him keep up the facade.
I’m so glad you had this talk. I had been very uncomfortable with some of the opinions expressed by Khan. They felt very victim-blaming and also geared toward a certain demographic… Hearing Audrey say that she disagrees at the start was super reassuring. Thank you for all that you three do… for your kindness, open-minded opinions, and consideration of everyone’s feelings. You will forever be the best relationship/life advice channel out there. ❤
Out of the hundreds of your videos I have watched, this one has probably been the most impactful and most important for me so far. I had not watched the debate. My immediate reaction was to go down the self accountability route. After listening to the podcast I start thinking that it is actually narcissistic to go down this route. This is an inflated sense of self, right - it assumes that one can control every situation, one can know everything and one can carry the world on their shoulders. I always blame myself and feel like I am responsible for EVERY issue or imperfection. I similarly blame my closest people and feel like they should improve and disect themselves endlessly until they get to this point of perection and total control. This goes with irritation, demands and sometimes disdain on my end - both towards me and towards them. This is unhuman. It is the first time I am seeing things from this perspective. Invaluable
To me, Ms Kahn’s approach caused me to rethink who I listen to because not everybody with a degree, really knows what they are talking about because, they just do not have the insights, life experience and in her situation, is peaking from a very privileged life both as far as looks are concerned and just having things set up for her automatically through her culture. she’s never had to really get down and make her own decisions, never been cheated on, had mummy and daddy do everything for her and has a fabulous husband. There is no way, that a person like that can have any kind of profound insight. She’s perfect for this fluffy time but not for women and men, who are really, really going through it.
This line was so very true --- if it was easy to leave, I would have done it much sooner.
I will say, there are always signs. Depending on the past trauma of the person on the receiving end- whether they are intuitive & able to see them for what they are and walk away or not- is where the problem lies. Men who are manipulative always have signs, sorry they do. Might be small ones- the way you notice them behave when you’re talking (the guy I was with was always looking around the room when I’d speak) the way they talk about themselves, others- the guy I was with would always be critical of others- etc etc. you just overlook them or make excuses for them. Whereas healthy people who have healed their traumas don’t give these men the time of day or make any excuses for them. Women know. Intuition about these things is always there and it’s not anxiety. There’s a deep knowing something is off but we’re usually so in our heads and wanting a certain outcome that we ignore what our body and spirit is telling us. I know from my own experience there were always signs- major MAJOR differences between how healthy men I met spoke and how unhealthy ones did. And I always went with the unhealthy ones- I knew. Acted like I didn’t and convinced myself I even didn’t but oh I knew something was not right. I’ve been with charming men (I knew right away something was odd because of the way they spoke and more importantly what they DIDN’T say) men who were grandiose- I mean all kinds of men who were all very different, and who all had very narcissistic traits that I picked up from the first date- even when they were subtle I definitely noticed them and chose to overlook them
Agreed ❤
Agreed. I knew something was off from the beginning. Definitely saw a lack of empathy and always bringing the conversation back to themselves. Bullying behavior, rageful over the top anger with finger pointing in my face, emotional blackmail, deflections, not taking responsibility. I saw it All. I tried communicating for years. I was naive and didn’t really understand the depth of problems this person had. Like just change this toxic shit already. But I also have to take responsibility for the fact that I allowed disrespect. I allowed it and that’s what I need to focus on now. I allowed it. I can’t blame that person
Truth!
@@beth8275 hey! Don’t be hard on yourself seriously- I was in your shoes. You went into it probably thinking you’d change him or if you’d just try and give enough, someone would love & choose you. It’s okay- yes you can put blame on him. What he did to you was wrong- grieve that. The “responsibility” part comes in when your eyes have been opened- what’s your next right move? I hope it’s to never allow someone to treat you that way again- that’s how you take responsibility for your life. Never hurt yourself like that. You wouldn’t wish that for your kid (if you had a daughter) you wouldn’t want that for your best friend- why are you any different? You’re someone who loves people- even very difficult hard to love people- that shows you’re empathetic, loyal, patient- you have the kind of love that some men out there have been waiting for their entire lives. Put this behind you and keep moving forward. And if it makes you feel any better, what he did was wrong, evil is evil- but I can say with confidence it had nothing to do with you. I’ve experienced narcissism on more levels than imaginable- and people with these mindset have a “feed the beast at all costs” brain where they will do anything and everything to maintain their ego and they really don’t feel and act like normal humans- they don’t think the same, they have no moral code- they could find someone besides you, seem happy and get married, but they don’t change. No matter who they’re with their life will be hell and those who end up with these guys are constantly stressed, aging, sick- I mean it’s not a pretty picture. Narcissists go down in life- things usually get worse for them. Be lucky you got out and your eyes have been opened- don’t go back to that. Keep moving forward :) all the best to you-
True I agree with this when I look at patterns in who I've been attracted to and it didn't help that I had a father with narcissism who was very abusive. I fell into the trap but having said that there are still some narcissists who are incredibly skilled at hiding it until WAY down the line and only then you start to pick up on things, and not everyone can pick up on the signs if they lack experience or understanding. I was heavily manipulated in my first relationship (I was 18 years old) , he was straight up a clear narcissist, always gaslit me (I didn't even understand what that was back then) and I was so innocent and oblivious. When I look back I just think GOOD GOD , I would NEVER even look twice in the direction of a man like that and to this day after 11 years I still don't wish a drop of goodness on him for what he did. I've had a pattern of who I've attracted and ended up with over the years and it's crazy how different you see things when you really start to understand and recognise what was happening all along and when you come out the bubble you were stuck in for so long.
I'm way more vocal in relationships now setting strong boundaries and if someone really doesn't respect it and even comes close to certain behaviours and i notice it as a pattern...pfffttt even if I care for them, I care and love myself more - its a good bye👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼
I don't really attract people like that so much now anyway but there's always someone who will try their luck
As I watched the podcast with Matt and Sadia, it was apparent that it would be an episode with very divisive views. Like everything we are currently experiencing - be it politics, the economy or relationships - our perspectives come from our experiences. Facts and information only get us so far. To truly understand anything, we must live it. So how can we expect anyone whose life has not been tainted by a narcissist to understand the nuances of this dynamic? Words alone cannot describe the sadistic ways in which a narcissist manipulates, distorts reality and inflicts pain without a thought.
I used to get very triggered by people who told me that I have to take responsibility for what happens in my life. But now, I simply give myself a big hug and say to myself, “you did well, you are still here and I’m proud of you”.
I kept asking and still sometimes ask. What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? What could I have done better? But the truth is, they made their choice to cheat and hurt you. You can't control their actions, only your own. They made the conscious decision to cheat. You weren't even a part of the equation.
I felt the same way I wasn’t enough
Thank you so much MH AH & SH! You have it right coming someone who was totally blind sided by betrayal. My husband hid 2 relationships from me (and each other) for 10 years! There is no way I could’ve seen the ‘red flags’ until after the fact! That’s like saying if any new partner has to travel for work then that’s a red flag! If he has to work late…red flag! If he wants to go on a boys trip…Red flag! Give me a damn break. God, you’d have to hire a PI to avoid all red flags! I have no energy or interest in babysitting a man. I’ll keep my side of the street clean and honor myself. That’s all I can ‘control’. Love you MH! ❤
I can’t thank you enough for this episode! It mirrors a situation I’m helping a client through right now-they’ve been struggling with post-relationship guilt, thinking they should have 'seen the signs' of their partner’s infidelity. Your approach to self-compassion and accountability is exactly what they need to hear. So often, we think that being compassionate to ourselves means we’re ignoring responsibility, when in fact, it’s the key to truly healing and setting healthier boundaries. This episode has given me new language to help guide my client through their recovery. Bravo for always offering such deep, practical insights!
I think the number of Narcissists, cheaters, men without any values is like... I don't know it's like flood of such men. That's why I quit dating because it's sensless
This is getting so specific for me. I was naive at 18 and fell for a 39 year old narcissist who swept me off my feet. 7 years later a divorce, destroyed self esteem, trust, and credit (he stole money from me). My next relationship was with an amazing partner, but after the honeymoon phase I started to lose trust in him because I had never healed from my previous abusive relationship. In my hyper vigilance, I became the narcissistic abuser! I was toxic and my mental health was terrible. He pushed me away with his avoidant attitude and I sabotaged the relationship with my anxious behavior.
Thank you for being more compassionate. I didn’t even know what a narcissist person was or that people could truly be hurtful and deceitful and liars in relationships. When I dated someone who made me question my reality I blamed myself because i had no idea someone could lie and be so deceptive. You think the best of people. However, now I see warning signs. But again thank you for being compassionate to those that are faithful and loving and look for the best in others.
'Forgive myself for having stayed' - thank you, Matthew. 🩷 Great discussion, wise advice and perspectives from you all. Lovely to hear from Audrey too. Thank you, Matthew, Stephen and Audrey. 🩷
When I listened to your podcast together I thought that she must have been hurt somewhere in her past or saw someone she loved get hurt and felt like they should have seen it coming. I agree with you! Accountability can only come in after I know something. I can’t be accountable for what I don’t know and living with the mindset that ppl are bad and I have to find their flaws will give you the worse life experiences. Abused people-no matter if it’s cheating or whatever category-are not responsible for another human being’s decision to act in disregard for another. PERIOD
Audrey is so lovely: “you could have been a crocodile”😂❤
This is so spot on thanks for helping me through a dark time of betrayal trauma.
I loved every sentence you guys uttered in this video ❤ i agree completely with what you said.
I also appreciate how you gave grace to Sadia, even though its difficult for me to listen to her any more.
I agree fully and, surprisingly, although I have healed fully already, listening to this made me even more committed to self-compassion and accountability. Thank you❤
My long distance girlfriend left me after I expressed to her that I felt like my needs weren’t being met in terms of communication. I wanted to talk to her more and be a larger part of her day because I felt that we were gradually slipping away from one another. I brought it up several times but every time, she had gotten upset at me and told me I had many things to work on too. I took everything to heart and worked on improving myself but she never improved on communication and I didn’t hear from her for days. Meanwhile, her friends took up the time we used to spend with each other. Eventually, she admitted that she didn’t want to spend time because all the conversations I had brought up about me wanting more time with her made her feel attacked and inadequate, though I expressed to her that it was all just to strengthen a bond that I valued with her more than anything. It’s a weird situation and we haven’t talked in about 2 weeks. I don’t know what to do, she is an amazing person.
She is NOT an amazing person! She just ghosted you (right after your attempt to improve things!!!)
Translation: she just abused you at the time of you being vulnerable!!
In other words, you politely bring up your needs and your boundaries, and she punishes you for that with silent treatment. It's blatant emotional ABUSE. ABUSE. ABUSE. ABUSE. ABUSE.
PLEASE take off your rose colored glasses and realise that you have been love-bombed in order for you to become blind to the upcoming abuse.....😢
When you communicate your needs, she needs to respond with something regarding your issue - not blame you back with other issues. Otherwise it''s blame-shifting. Ask yourself NOW if she will never change and there will never be appropriate communication with her and she will continue to give silent treatments and accusations of "being attacked" for your honest communication attempts with her - will you want to live like this forever? In my opinion that would
be pure torture. Even good sex wouldn't be worth it!
If she (let's say) simply cannot or is not willing to change for you OR your communication needs are in opposition to her own needs, she would politely tell you that and suggest that you decide if you like to continue this relationship even if she will NOT consider changing her communication style to accommodate your needs. And then you would think and decide if it's worth it or not... But instead of clear communication, she blame-shifts and accuses you for even bringing up the issue in the first place! She makes you feel bad for having boundaries. Having different communication needs and expressing that politely IS NOT an attack!!!! Unless you cursed her and called her "bitch" when communicating her needs, you did not attack anyone by simply providing feedback. Again, you gave her your feedback on your needs. That's NOT an attack. Did you yell at her face something like "you, f**king bitch, you never talk to me the right way!!! What's wrong with you?" Did you talk like that??? If yes, then it was really a rude way and probably felt like an attack.
But I'm sure you used polite words and neutral language at worst, combined with the sweetest tone of voice. And yet, you got accused!
How about this? You want to give her a taste of her medicine? Say nothing confrontational and be her sweet slave for a day or two. Then disappear for two months. Don't talk to her at all(no texting no calling) for two months straight. Then if she is gone, she's gone. But there's 99% chance in two months she will get back or text something about what happened to you. And you reply to her with "What's your problem, miss drama queen? Why you keep attacking me and act so clingy? Gosh, you don't even let me breathe. Give me a break!" See how mad she would get....😂
Or just leave her alone and forget her.
I had an ex who would break his promises to me. When I would politely bring it up to him with the sweetest tone of voice - he would accuse me of "starting a fight". See? He made an agreement to do something, then he didn't do it (which means he literally lied to me when promised to do something). But I ended up being the guilty one for even bringing it up in a polite manner.
That's how they gaslight you, making you feel guilty for not liking their abuse of you!
He was accusing me for not enjoying his constant breaking of promises to me. And I didn't see the abuse, I just felt confused and hurt.
Don't be afraid to lose her. Okay? Never be afraid to lose people who are not afraid of disrespecting you.
@@user-ee5om8wy7uI don’t know, maybe I didn’t bring up problems to her the right way, I know my own way of verbalizing my feelings can be poor sometimes. I made mistakes too, I just don’t know why she couldn’t work on hers like I worked on mine.
Hate to say it but doesn’t sound like an amazing person. I’ve had to recently correct myself in this regard. I kept believing my wife was an amazing person even after she cheated on me with multiple guys over the course of our entire marriage. Fact is she is not a good wife and has a very low moral code. We need to realize this to heal properly
Anyone who is not capable of self reflection and empathy about what their partner feels is not an amazing person. Most likely, you mean that she is things like smart, charming, has said amazing things to you in the past. But her morals are what define amazing. I thought my ex was amazing. Stayed with him for so long. He acted the same. Deflecting, ghosting. Eventually, i discovered he was cheating. Ask yourself if you’re ok with hanging on to someone who shows they cannot consider your feelings. That will manifest in so many painful ways.
Same here!! I tried and tried, to explain how I felt and that a relationship takes difficult conversations.. He was like 'It just doesn't work.' and broke up with me.
His mom sent me a text that she was really sorry things ended between us, I responded:
'I'm sorry too. I learned that I need someone who's 100% in, not just for fun.. I want to built a life with someone. And I need someone who's emotionally grown up to do this together with me. But the 'together' part seems to be really difficult. I love him, but I let him go.'
He got angry at me about what I texted, turns things around that I'm the one who cannot brake up like a grown up, and that I'm staying in a victim mindset, I need to fix my own shit... While HE kept hanging out with girls (one was his fwb's before me), not texting me or calling me when he told me he would, constant deflecting when I try to talk about things... It was exhausting.
After the break up, my anxiety is gone, don't have headaches any more, started eating healthy and working out. Feel so much better!!!
I came across this video while returning from vacation. I listened to it carefully. I bet it was a sign since it resonates with my actual mindset. As a person who has cumulated 7 relationships and always been quited for "no reason" (sometimes with no explanation), i can say that i do not have trust anymore in anyone. I have decided to close myself and my heart to the world. I do not want it anymore. Even if i wanted, it won't happen to me. Unfortunately, my trust is destroyed now and i do not feel legimate for relationships.
Brilliant conversation. This needs to be out there so people can process what has happened to them and get on with it quicker than if they just try to figure it out on their own. This can really lead to quicker healing for a lot of people. Bravo 🙏
It happened to me, 29 years with my X she cheated on the first husband, cheated on me the second husband, and when I was down on hard times she found someone else behind my back and acted like I didn't exist, so after 29 years I walked out, that's what she wanted me to do so she can be with the next fool, it's hard to believe that this was my wife,
Thank you so much Matthew for your poignant and accurate statement when you spoke of self compassion and the 2 things to do for oneself. The truth in what you said has left me with a moment of clarity and self reflection. I can tell that something possibly in your past might be very similar to mine in some way. It’s so coincidental that I swear you could be talking about myself in many ways.
I am presently in the process of separating from my narcissistic husband of 27 years (who cheated and lied about it for 5 years) AND I have also been brought up in an emotionally neglected household.
Many of your podcasts (with also Dr. Ramani and Lisa Romano and many others) have been nothing but incredibly helpful, supportive and reassuring. Thank you for your compassion and knowledge, you have made a difference in my life and I very much appreciate it. 🙏
I've been emotionally damaged from a man I loved dearly yet couldn't man up or be honest. Facing so much that I've been an emotional roller coaster. Yet it takes time to fully heal from so much emotional trauma. That it becomes so hard to love yourself fully and feeling very insecure.
Great podcast!
I came to the point in my 36yr marriage, that I went No Contact for a period, while telling him "I love you, but I love myself more". We came back together, but I'd gained strength and revealed a change in my relationship with "the church"(aka Christianity) had changed, knowing this was giving him an out. We separated then and there, with no further questions from him.
Life is good 🙂
My ex was so good to me. He made me feel so safe. He made me feel so loved. I was the one who seemed to have a higher sex drive. I knew he had some insecurities, but I never, ever thought he would taint his own identity by cheating. He said all of the right things. I never saw it coming. He was an avoidant. I didn’t know what that was until after the discard.
Wow. blown away. So many nuggets of wisdom here. Thank you for posting this.
I'm always amazed at the level of intelligence all of you showcase in these podcasts. You're helping so many people and spreading love and light around the world. You're the best! 🙏💫✨
Thank you to all three of you for doing a follow-up on this! I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to contact you directly since I first heard the podcast episode with Lewis Howes. I wanted to hug you and say, thank you so much for what you said in that episode about self-compassion. And standing up for those of us who have been in lifelong abusive relationships with family community members, etc. etce. And especially for how respectful, curious, and courageously you demonstrating the very thing you were trying to communicate:that a compassion and a connection mindset is so much healthier and better than a black and white "I'm right, you're wrong mindset." I'm so grateful for your voice in this! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
I find Sadia to be completely off in her advice & wouldn't be surprised if she was a fraud. Obviously, I don't know her. I just think she skirts around issues, grazes the surface, over-simplifies, and gives 80's style, New Age 'wisdom' which is always the same; 'Why did I attract this experience to myself?' That question is one thousandth of the picture and doesn't require a social media guru to do interviews and make a million videos and a few million dollars. But she is very pretty & I'm sure men like looking at her while she talks.
I find her annoying. Sorry lol
You're responsible for the pattern not someone else's behavior. So true. Also 'relatively' healthy people don't cheat for the same reason that a narcissist cheats. Different motivations call for our different responses.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE❤❤❤ watching all the Hussey's talk about Narcissism, dating and so much more!💯😌
What a great video, today!!! 👏🏻👏🏻❣️ THANK YOU!!!😃😃😃
Thank you 🙏 all three of you for sharing so much understanding. Thank you for all of the strength and hope 🙏
This video was so powerful for me. I have been hyper vigilant round men for years and I have taken rejection very personally every time it happens such that I haven't dated in 12 years.
This really resonated with me. Thank you three Hussey's. You each brought so much wisdom and growth to the healing process. I just went through all of this and came out stronger because I learned how to love myself. Amen. Thank you for this courageous and eye opening consciousness shift you bring to the world!
Great point Matthew about being hyper vigilant! Going into new relationships.
I listened to one of Sadia‘s interviews and realized she caters to men of the red pill community. When she proudly talked about her friendship with Andrew Tate - and that she has his number and talks to him because he is like a typical Pakistani diaspora friend - I knew she is just not a woman who would ever support any woman but she is just a pick me.
Beautiful conversation. Has helped me so much. For me, I did sense something was off but I was intoxicated with the love bombing so I ignored what my gut was telling me. I had never come across someone who was so dishonest and sinister. I just didn’t know crocodiles existed. Naive. I offered way too much empathy and understanding but what Mathew said about it most likely being fear - that resonates with me. I hadn’t thought about that. I was petrified to blow my own life up. I finally did get the courage to leave and I know I deserve better.
Thank you for this conversation! And a reminder for me to NOT watch the Sadia interview 😂 I just got cheated on and cannot emotionally handle being blamed for it 😅 I need gentle parenting right now (and always)
Im so glad you had this conversation with Stephen and Audrey. The whole time I was listening to the conversation with you Sadia, I was wondering what their thoughts were.
Thanks so so much Hussey family❤
Omgah 32:17 you just made a paradigm shift for me, Stephen!! I realized I DID internalize all my rejections and assumed something was deeply terribly wrong about me that I just couldn't see....and so I've done a lot of digging to figure it out and can't quite figure it out, but still hold this nebulous feeling that I have a secret fatal flaw 😂 It was so reassuring to hear you say 'that's rarely the case.'
Also you look super handsome!!
Thank you for sharing these healthy relationship patterns! It's so important to highlight positive behaviors, especially in a world where many people struggle with toxicity and often blame themselves in unhealthy dynamics 👍🌱
As someone who has cheated and been cheated on, I think Matthew is right. To make it fun, it was a paradox to betray someone for someone who would betray me in many ways. Instant karma - someone could say. I was stuck in this toxic dependency for a very long time. Too long. It was only my mother's awareness and perspective that made me find compassion for myself. And perhaps another trauma and loss occurred, but a new dimension of love appeared. Deeper, knowing his worth and not satisfied with scraps.
Happy to be here, watching from Dubai ❤❤❤❤love what u do.
Although I am a middle age woman, only had two long lasting relationships….. I do not have great men experience.
These videos it helps me to navigate around men , although it guided me to not get stuck with a wrong person.
I am more in team ‘Matthew’ rather than Sadiya. Despite of lack of knowledge I believe that she is more of an idealist…. And now I shall generalise ( which definitely leads to this ‘ gender conflict’….. that certain men love bomb , future fake to hook / reel a woman in and slowly pick and pokes at her after, plus gaslighting her. It sounds outraging and maybe is subconsciously was not ‘ the initial intention’ ( which probably it happened for centuries but in a different manner)….. but in modern society everyone wears a mask ( again generalising) making an inexperienced person vulnerable , doubtful and susceptible to manipulators and people that give 10% to 5 persons at the time ( as Stephen (speaks) says ‘ you cannot watch 5 movies in the same time without missing on something).
Love how comfy they look in their mum’s house
Stephen’s hair looks great
I have come across a person's story that in learning of it , showed how much I have changed, having been in a life shattering betrayal. This person heard from her partner a comment towards her, that she knew that she could not ever get over, and hence could not move forward in that 10 year relationship. Just one thing, you ask? Well with her, it broke the relationship. I found myself admiring that. One can perhaps surmise, that she had wanted out in the first place. But I think, it should only take one moment, for a heart to be broken and we do not need, a hundred more examples. In my life, accepting horrific behaviour, had been conditioned into me, from childhood. Yes, we at some point... never at the crash of betrayal, but much later.. our patterns must be explored.... with compassion.
My understanding is that Sadia, as a therapist, was explaining the psychological mechanisms that often lead to cheating or misbehavior in general, offering a logical and rational perspective. Meanwhile, Matthew seemed to be speaking from a place of emotion and healing. They were essentially addressing two different aspects of the same issue, and both truths can coexist-Sadia’s clinical understanding of behavior and Matthew’s emotional experience are equally valid, just coming from different angles.
Bottom line, to me, is that most people do not have the skills to develop healthy relationships...and soooo they remain involved in a spectrum of dysfunctional relationships or unhappy situations which they don't not know how to fix or leave. Many are easily diverted to cheating when that "other" person feeds what they are missing...but, what happens is that those relationships are screwed up as well because they are deceptive and do not fix the lack of skills they have and those relationships fall into the same patterns acted out slightly differently...just with a different person. WHO TEACHES US how to create healthy relationships from early on?...basically NO BODY. It's hit or miss. Every cheater has a reason...that is NOT EXCUSing them...but they do have a reason... repeated cheaters have emotional distortions on relationships and distorted self image. Incidental cheaters...generally, do so to get out of the situation they are in and probably never do it again.
You are so right, no one teaches you relationship skills. Check out the book "Why We Pick The Mates We Do." By Anne Teachworth. It helped me recover from bad patterns and create a new mindset for new relationships that are healthy. It definitely does work.
Really found this amazing
I am healing and will look at the patterns
I deserve better ❤
This conversation underscores the nuanced nature of accountability-it's not about blaming others but recognizing our power to choose responses amidst complex emotions and compromised boundaries. Accountable our own actions. Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings on self-compassion expand this understanding, enhancing our autonomy. It's vital to avoid theories that diminish our agency, such as attributing behaviors to external factors like narcissism or societal structures, trauma etc. Real understanding involves learning to manage suffering with compassion, recognizing love as an active endeavor, not just a passive feeling. Real narcissism can be identified through specific patterns, advocating for a balance between understanding and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Steven in the black T-shirt appears to appreciate this nuanced perspective, elevating the dialogue to a constructive level where integration, not dichotomy, is the goal.
Wonderful conclusion of this podcast 🙏 Thank you for it!
I agree with you guys 10000%. Thank you for opening this topic. During the mentioned podcast I had really similar thoughts.
I find it impossible now to trust myself in a new relationship.
Oh my God, bless you guys for this podcast 🙏❤
I love the compassion you express!!
This conversation was great. ❤
we are waking up from our personal range of obsession together. Obsession to be love isn't love, we now can see what's under the mat.
I think I get it, compassion is definitely needed first and then some accountability especially if there is some sort of pattern forming on your end.
Can you start making short videos again about these points? love these videos as well, sometimes im more in the mood of a ten min vid
Thank you for your logic and compassion! ❤ Sadia helps a lot of people, but I also disagree with her on some points, i.e. the ones that Matthew and Aubrey pointed out.
It’s the drama these cluster b’s generate that do draw you in often unintentionally but as soon as the dramas become such a regular occurrence and so ridiculous you start to question what is going on.
Narcs / borderlines need you to attend 24/7 to their needs so where you think you have found your soulmate you really haven’t. Watch how they manipulate every situation when you try to make it about you.
Relationships is supporting one another and growing to be a better person. That won’t ever happen for you with a narcissist/ borderline. They enmesh with you and your responsibility is them. Every drama and hysteria is about them. You will never be able to leave them but they will always be leaving you.
My best advice is do your due diligence these crazy clowns will have back story that never aligns with who they say they are. They cause shit and run so you will find that someone can support your doubts.
Lovely views on self compassion ❤
If we keep taking responsibility of other person's bad behavior, there could be a risk, not only that you'll be hypervigilant in future relationships, but also not being able to trust yourself. Like... I chose this cheating person, so i can't trust my judgement on people
I’m exactly here.. as I’ve tried the accountability route listening to people on the internet as a form of therapy… choose better. Now I’m entirely afraid of relationships because I might choose wrong again.. and it will my fault again, but along with that I’ve shut family and friends out because now I’ve questioned every choice I’ve made 😂🙈 I write a poem the other day about isolating being my safety but I’m shackled because of it x
It’s all about personal empowerment and growth. I survived a toxic relationship so here is my point of view:
It's essential to take accountability for what you allowed and tolerated in the past. Acknowledging that you made mistakes by staying in a toxic relationship requires humility. At the same time, it’s crucial to extend self-compassion, recognizing that you made the best choices you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time.
It’s a balance. Without accountability, particularly for overlooking "small" red flags or not recognizing them, you risk feeling powerless. Telling yourself that you never saw the toxicity coming-and therefore couldn't have prevented it-keeps you trapped in a cycle. That mindset can hold you back, but there's freedom in objectively assessing the situation. By doing so, you empower yourself to make better choices in the future, armed with the wisdom you’ve gained.
My ex just introduced me to his new girlfriend! I was shattered but ignored him at that time and just walked away! That was 2 days ago and I’m down the rabbit hole as to how he could be in another relationship so soon after our breakup. It was like “here’s your hat, what your hurry” and I was so easily discarded.
Comment about learning to trust again. It is so hard!
But...I got to this thought. Look at the patterns.
If someone perpetually lies, sneaks, makes selfish decisions, etc., and they do one nice thing...does that make them suddenly not toxic? Well no, of course not. A broken clock is right twice a day (once if it's on military time, ha).
If someone who we've always caught in truths instead of lies, who every time we've doubted we've been proved wrong, who works behind the scenes for our good and doesn't ask for credit./ advertise their good deeds...when that person then does something that seems sketchy... Take a step back and THINK. Brainstorm good reasons for their seemingly sketchy behavior. There probably are some good reasons, and they're probably not too hard to imagine. Esp if you're with an Avoidant.
But anyhow. I look at patterns. And if something doesn't fit the pattern, I pray about it, and I consider it. Could this mean a new pattern? Could there be a good reason for it? Etc.
Hope that helps someone.
Oh yes. Someone does just suddenly do that 15 years into a marriage. Some people are superb liars.