How Do I Financially Help My Elderly Mom?
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2020
- How Do I Financially Help My Elderly Mom?
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Dave didn’t say not to help your parents. He says to help them be self-sufficient and live with dignity.
Definitely agree with Dave- your parents are not entitled to live with you or be supported by you because they are unwilling to live within their means
AGREE!
EXACTLY!
I take of my mom financially, doctor visits etc. I have my good days and my bad days, but I still do what I can to help her.
You're a good person. Keep your chin up, you have earned at least that.
I totally agree where you coming from. I do the same, but, I also take care of myself as well.
😍♥️😘😚
Paula Grant I am proud of you Paula.
John is a compassionate man. Dave could learn something from him, life isn't just about money.
Dave is lol but we need this balance!! That’s Why were all here. Dave has done an amazing job of diversifying his staff. And he knows it was needed. Smart man
you are so freaking wrong....you must not know Dave Ramsey the way the rest of us does
Dave is very loving but in a fatherly aspect
“Sell the mother” 😂
Definitely agree with Dr. John. Not easy for a lot, but love, honor and respect our mother! 🙏🏽👍🏽
Absolutely. This guy does not want his mother around and is looking for excuses.
**Life can be much shorter than we think.** From someone who lost both parents within a few years of each other in my mid-30s from cancer and close to both I’ll say I like many would give anything to have one more day or even hr w/them. It was the worst heartbreak I’ve had. We lost my MIL a few yrs ago to dementia. If it feels right to the caller and makes sense to the situation (no history of abuse or emotional issues) help her out as you can when you can. You’re best gift is you. It’s all she prob wants.
It sounds like she just wants to see her son. How about a one week vacation so she can see you in person? That would probably go a long way to helping her.
Not all parents are the same,
some are so toxic you have to keep away from
Amen
🎯
My wife is from another country. She misses her parents so much. People don't take your parents for granted!
How about the Narcissistic Parents who are incredibly Toxic...... They do not deserve our care in older age and NO CONTACT is always the answer. I went NO contact with my Narcissistic Mother about 3 months ago and I could literally feel my mental health get better. I think Dr. John should have mentioned this small portion of parents who are not deserving of caring children in the later years of their life.
John I appreciate your response. You have gained so much respect from so many of us i am sure. 🙏
ABSOLUTELY!!!
True, first time I started liking him.
Agreed. I respect him for taking a stand and speaking his heart.
I agree with John. We need to help our parents.
👍🏿 But it always Depends on the situation!!!!
Mac Turtle
Agreed he needs to make sense and feel right not just out of guilt what do you think it’s going to fix some thing for them but it sounds like that’s not the case here.
Goes both ways, lots of parents buying classic cars and vacation properties when they should be setting up their families for success.
Lots of people in my generation are putting off having kids. That second boat might have cost you a grandbaby.
I agree with John too
Yes,
I wonder how Dave’s relationship with his parents was... 🤔🤔🤔.
Never forget your parents who brought you to this world. They need you in their old age like you needed them in your childhood.
Sorry but I didn't have a life time to prepare for my childhood, but I do have a lifetime to prepare for my old age and not solely rely on my children.
Yea that's not always true. Sometimes family are the worst.
Correct.
@NurturingTalents does it matter?
@NurturingTalents maybe you hate your parents and they weren't the greatest example of parenting but you're an adult now and all what happened is in the past. People make mistakes and Its not about what's fair its about finding enough kindness in your heart to treat them better than they treated you so when they are finally not around anymore you have nothing to regret and you'd be the reason that everyone is happy.
Its just my view on things.
An older couple sold their home to moved from Florida to Arizona to be close to their daughter who lives in San Diego. A couple years later their daughter moved out to another state in the mid west, and this is what this lady told my mom- never move to follow your kids because you never know where life will take your kids.
If the parents are toxic then keep them at a distance, but help them if they are in a situation.
My mother is 95. I'm her legal guardian.
Good job sir!!!!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
William Richardson whr I salute you sir.
Absolutely true Dr. D. Love the Parents that gave you life and raised you. They were not perfect but they tried to give you a good life.
I'm 19 and I know I need to start increasing my income, not just making... but supporting my mom too is just heavy
“Honor thy father and mother, that it may go well with you and you days shall be long upon the earth”
Ephesians 6:3
Judge yourself hardest pls
70 yrs old mom should move into senior low income apartments. She'll meet other seniors to socialize with in CA or in OR.
I agree. I work for a senior living apartment complex and it seems to be a very good experience for some seniors
Nevada is close by, low tax, low housing costs, nice weather, ideal place for retirees.
@@andrewchin2626 Agree. We are retired and moved to Nevada from Utah because of the taxes and snow.
So many parents have really sacrificed for their children to be better even in the mist of them trying to figure out their own lives. It’s not a cut and dry situation. I do understand boundaries though.
Having a mentally unstable, sometimes abusive, widowed mother makes it hard for me to be respectful towards her and be close. I certainly need my boundaries for my own well being.
Not everyones mother is like yours and there is no reason to believe this guys mother is.
I love where John heart was with this conversation 💙🙏🏽
Sounds like you didn't have a toxic mother. My mother told me she never cared about me. As she said, "I never cared what you needed or wanted, I didn't care about you at all." it made perfect sense because of her actions toward me. My husband had her move in with us and it destroyed my marriage. After 10 years I ran away and left them at the house. I did see to her physical well being because I promised my dad I would. I could not stand for her to touch me. After about three years of therapy I could touch her, but until her dying day, I could not stand for her to touch me. So, don't try to make me feel bad because I didn't want to get close to her.
She’s right. That mom can go where she can afford. Dave is right.
Sorry to hear Mary. I have similar issues im still working on w/ a now deceased mother. Best wishes.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE WHAT DR. JOHN SAID!!!! THANK YOU!
I cannot imagine not helping my parents later in life. They have money as nurses, but you should always help your parents (exceptions are toxic and abusive parents though)
Jewel Vilela great response
agree
I loved this segment. I lost my mom when I was 24 and two weeks away from delivering my first son. I think of her everyday. It’s so important to cherish your family not as an obligation but because the one thing we can be sure of is that our time is limited and we need to make the best use of it while we here.
Parents, especially mothers sacrifice a lot to raise their children with good values & equip them well to face the world. It's only fair to reciprocate that love & care to your parents when they're old & helpless. Not everything is about finances & "I, me & myself".
@stoic Well now parents live with my brother. He has a big house, so everyone has their own little privacy.
@@Being__Ricky and if your brother did not have a big house so everyone has their own privacy - would you move in with your parents or have them move in with you?
@@clarifyingquestions I left home when i joined college & ever since i have lived on my own. I love my freedom & they moving in would certainly be an inconvenience but i think i will be obliged to help them since they did the same for me when i was growing up.
@NurturingTalents my parents are financially independent. It's just that they don't like to live all by themselves & want to be with their children & grandkids. But i am sure, brother must be incurring expenses to keep them with him as he is too nice to ask money from my parents. I don't help him coz he never asked.
@@Being__Ricky Thank you for the response. All the best to you and your family.
Love Dr. John's perspective. We lost my MIL a couple months ago, and we would absolutely love for my FIL to move closer, even live with us if we had the room and he felt comfortable with that.
Thank you for sharing 🙌
Thank you
I would give anything to still have my parents. I would be honored to do anything for them. Dave, I am disappointed in your response.
Sara Frederick Dave is a little cold about these type of issues.
Condos in downtown Oregon and Seattle are cheap and prices continue to come down. Your mom maybe able to buy for less than $100k by the end of the year. Love and if needed, provide care for your parents. Don't forget, we don't exist without our parents.
“Downtown” in any major city is code for “Danger Zone”. Especially for a 70 year old single woman. 😖
Go Dr. John! Thank you for explaining to people it is OK to take care of your older parents. We were a hassle growing up and they took care of us. It is OK to do the same for them when they need us.
5:39 thank you Dave for separating emotion and finances.
Not all parents are great. I have taken on responsibility for an elderly father in law who never did anything for me. His own sons (including my husband) don't want to help him out because of their relationship or lack thereof although my husband does grudgingly help out. This man has no friends or other relatives to help out and has alienated everyone else. I run over to his place when he has fallen, I take him to dr. appts, I do his shopping, take care of his dog etc.. When he has had surgeries, I have taken time off work to stay with him as he can't afford help. I have taken care of his "bathroom issues" when he couldn't do it himself if you get my drift. I have no feelings for this man, but someone had to step up. He has almost no money and I am frightened about what is going to happen when he runs out. All this on top of my own mother who is requiring more and more help. Thank goodness I have a great sister who does more than her share.
Doing the right thing and not being manipulate can be very hard when a parent is involved. There is a fine line there. I’ve been there and was very much manipulated.
This is where I disagree with Dave Ramsey, I would help my parents without even thinking it twice.
Salvador Ernesto Martinez I agree with you. I’ve never agreed with him on this issue, or on kicking your kids out of the house when they’re 18. We’ve got to stick together as families.
I agree
Alex Fonseca yeah, I got no kids but I doubt I would feel any different.
That’s a cultural issue. For example the Latin-American culture is more attached to helping the family at a point where sometimes is almost toxic and many feel entitled to your help especially if they live out of the USA. You should only help your family if there’s a real need, if you’re in the position to do it and if they’re not emotionally abusive or manipulate you.
@@alexfonseca2063 children need to move out eventually, 18 may be a bit young but by 24 you should be looking to move out
She can get a 1 bedroom 1 bath in the Coachella Valley in California like in Bermuda Dunes or Indio or a 55+ community in Palm Springs or Palm Desert or La Quinta.
Unless she was abusive, he needs to help his mother if he can. There are places in California that could be affordable....he has to look.
909 but it's still expensive
California and affordable is like an oxymoron 😭.
Bakersfield. An hour and a half from LA and sooooo cheap!
Where ? And what are you smoking? Gentrification is California
Before you know it they're gone. I moved out few years ago. My dad just passed away this year. I still remember and wish I would've stayed with him when he didn't want me to leave. Now he's gone forever and I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I should.
In my home country, this is a given. We have to take care of our parents because they sacrificed for us. It doesn’t matter what the society says, some of them would have had a better life if they didn’t go to great lengths to make our lives really amazing. They don’t necessarily have to move them into our homes (although that’s another given in my culture) but we are intentional about maintaining our relationship with them as well as carrying them along as they age. Yeah, caller should consider being closer to his mom. 72 years is quite old and one day she won’t be around no more.
Quite old? I’m 77 years old. I take care of my own home, I’m quite healthy and really haven’t needed much help from my kids except when I had surgery. I have two vehicles I drive, and sometimes I still have to help out my kids!!
John, you are so right , your parent are not always a burden. Use her 135k to build a ADU which will increase your property values and you get to inherit in few short years. You can check up on her every few days since she is just in the back yard. Alot cheaper than anything else
Great idea OP. That is true that it can be cheaper with them living onsite. The caller can also hire a caregiver on the side if the mother needs extra hands on help with things so that he and his wife can be more free to focus on their jobs/kids/etc
NurturingTalents of course there is that is def an aspect to it. One option to solve this is maybe look for a housing situation of roomates. I’ve personally seen elderly people look for roomates to help split the cost of their rent/house esp in their old age. This can literally help solve the housing cost situation and still provide the mom the companionship.
A few short years? She’s only 70. My grandparents lived into their 90s.
I wonder...should those of us Millennials/ younger gen Xers with able bodied parents that aren't generating much income in their 60's be asking them what their financial plans are as they get older? I don't think my parents are expecting me to care for them when they get older, but if they don't have money to care for themselves in their elder years I'm not going to not help them. But I will, perhaps, wish they had a plan to pay for the entirety of their lives because I would not want the financial burden of caring for them as I try to build a family and future of my own.
@NurturingTalents mine decided she didn't wanna work anymore. her plan was to quit her job and move in with me i think. she's perfectly healthy and capable of working at this point. i talked her into staying at her job until she was eligible for social security (few years) so she could still afford her mortgage. she agreed. few months later she calls and says she's now "retired" and moving in with my aunt.
Better not have any kids. They are going to take care of u in ur old age
In India, living with parents is a normal. It's a good feeling to be with them.
My biggest dream, like the number 1 thing I'd do after paying my student loans if I won the lottery, would be to pay off my parent's mortgage. They've been working 2 jobs each for far too long. At least for now I was able to gift them the Total Money Makeover, reprioritized their budget/bill payments in the snowball order, and they're on the steps.
You’re a good person
Why can children ask parents for money and/or a place to live, but elderly parents are being told not to expect any help. Family is seen taking care of their own in history. Bible teaches help widows.
Exactly! Some children are very selfish & ungrateful!
i agree the purpose of having children in most cultures (except America) is so they can take care of their parents in old age. I bet if the parents were rich the kids would be expecting a nice care package in the form of inheritance when the parent dies.
Because children did not ask to be here. You brought them into this world and you take care of them until they are old enough to take care of themselves. I don’t expect anything from my kids. I just want them to make smart decisions and live a life that they love!
@@dwise2165 u may not expect anything from your kids and most parents dont expect anything from their kids esp if the parent is young and able bodied, and in your old age you may still not expect help but you may hope your kids will be their to support you.
Did kids have 50+ years to set themselves up for success?
Have kids and take care of your parents
So right! We put our 81YO mother in a sustainable financial position (paid off her car, renegotiated payments for her, etc.), only for her to take out a predatory loan she “needed” and have her gamble it away. Our mother has problems we cannot solve, and that is the sad reality sometimes. We visit and help when we can, but it’s not much anymore. We will never give her cash/money again. To top things off, she EXPECTS is top drop everything to rush to help her. Nope. Not anymore. We still Love ya, Mom, but enabling financial mismanagement is not love.
What does a person do when I reach out and the return effort is not there?
“Mom’s a travel agent for Guilt Trips” 😂 (my mom wasn’t. My dad sent his subliminally and this was hilarious😂)
This is insane to me. Culturally the thought of leaving elderly parents on their own is unimaginable....
Recommend a subsidized senior facility with access to transportation and activities with other seniors for friendship and possibly volunteering. Keep in touch by phone and occasional visiting.
Shhhhhh😤 He was Kidding about that wedge !!! People are Crazy 🇺🇸👍🏿🤦🏿♂️
Yes and hear what they want
John opinions are his as I agree with dave!
Is it possible the mother would be eligible for a low income apartment near her son?
Apply her for your states senior aide programs
Just go visit her more often 😍
In the same boat I help her with rent and I want to move out what do I do!?
Same!!!
Pay the lease until the end of the year or until the lease is up.
find her a roommate someone you trust
Also, talk with her honestly about what you want and ask for her help and buy in. Be clear to her that youre going to step up and be there for her.
Young Buck - did she raise you as a single mom.
My problem is that my mom who is almost 80 gives money every few weeks to her grown grandchildren. ages 38 and 35. they constantly make up lies about health problems or financial problems to guilt her into giving them money. She hides this from me and my sister and when we find out and ask her about it she gets mad at us. Their father was our brother and he died when both of them were young kids so my mom feels guilty that she owes them. Which she does not and they have been told to stop asking but she goes right back to sending them money. She is finally starting to get tired of it because she told me this week she wants me to take over her bills on her behalf, I see this as a cry for help. She is being scammed. Is there anything we can do??
Help....my amazing mother gives more to church then her self and is 78 asking us to help with groceries and financial care. I am so confused I have so much respect for her dedication but are we supposed to help facilitate her brokeness?
She just wants to move in with him so he can take care of her.
And...
We don’t have any data on that. She may just want to close to her child and future grandchildren.
I don't think that's a wrong thought huh? What's so bad about taking care of your parents in old age??
@@joshgeorge7 often that care will lead to resentment , especially when they expect to be taken care of
Why would you not take care of the person that brought you up?
This guy is too enmeshed with his mother. She is 70. He's not going to "walk her through the baby steps" and change her financial habits.
Ppl are who they are at that age, I agree
Once he has a kid his opinion will change. There is nothing like having grandma around.
Move her to Vegas. It’s cheaper than LA and not that far away.
How old is Dr John?
Vampire
Dr John is 35-40 years old
Colleen Jones I wanted a more specific answer lol
I'm 59 yrs old, a Filipino with British nationality. I've been working abroad since I was 20 years old. I was financially supporting my big sister's 3 sons educ., been regularly sending/giving money to my mom. She's now 80, in & out of hosp. so, I'm obliged to send money for meds and hospital. I can't work anymore due to Rheumatoid Arthritis. My husband supports me now. My grown up children (lives in UK too), are upset with me for giving money to the Philippines coz, they can see me struggling with arthritis.
I'll feel guilty not sending my mom money when she's ill, then she dies. I feel guilty to my husband coz, the money came from him. I'm also guilty, that money could have been for our retirement or children's inheritance. We are not rich and we have a big mortgage. Those people that I helped before have no means of helping my mom. I'm torn🙄.
You can always try sitting her down and having her watch all the documentaries on homelessness in California (L.A., San Fransico, skid rows, etc).
Dave: How are you?
Caller: Better than I deserve. How are you?
Dave: Better than I deserve
* crickets *
Maybe callers should just skip asking Dave how he is. The answer’s always the same.
Video should be titled "momma's boy calls in".
Tell her to head on down to Florida or Mexico to enjoy retirement. Join groups activities
I would help my Mom to just let her live comfortably. I’m still devastated by the passing of my Dad.
Takes two to be in a codependent relationship - lol. And now that you have a gf, she (mom) has a bit of a codependent problem with you. I am with Dr.John on this!!!
She could live out in the San Bernardino area - or the Indian Wells area. A small one bedroom condo - or even rent! She may not need any more home ownership. Social security was not mentioned or a pension. Sorry, but San Bernardino the Springs are a lot closer than Oregon. This man is not very compassionate. What goes around comes around.
Mom should be delivering pizzas
This.
You can make 2k a week delivering pizzas or so I've been told 😏
A kid can deliver pizzas the mom is 70 years old and should be in retirement relaxing and having fun after a life of work
@@reneephillips7303 that was the joke.
Lord Beasley True, especially if they raised someone who thinks like you.
Does anyone know where I can take student loan from? My bank is not doing student loans anymore. I need $25k
KING MUFASA you are on the wrong page if you looking for student loan advice .. everyone will tell you don’t get one
Young Buck agreed
Don’t get one lol
Get a federal loan and not a private one.
Work fulltime and go to school part to full time. Pay as you go.
Umm no offence but this conversation comes from a privileged place. Not everyone has amazing parents who supported and nurtured them. A lot of people have toxic, unstable selfish parents. You can't just dismiss "their history."
Dave’s parents are no longer here. You can tell by how unemotional he is when he talks of talking care of parents.
I’m surprised by his answer. He is usually very compassionate when it comes to sensitive subjects but not here.
I bet he didn't really have a great relationship with his parents
As someone with an immigrant parent and a totally different culture around caring for elderly parents-Dave’s persistent callous around this issue is so strange and alarming. My MIL and my mom are welcome to live with us when the time comes. That’s the plan, in fact. The existence and proliferation of retirement homes in America vs other countries says a lot about the “Christian values” here.
No it says a lot about how easily brainwashed u are 🙄
Yep, "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
But hey, Money is the new God of the west
No matter what our relationship with our parents, we have a duty to help them when they cannot any longer support themselves. They gave us their support and lives and money, no matter how limited. Love and respect is paramount no matter what the history.
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Every Californian city isn’t full of 1 million dollar homes but go off....
when a son calls Dave and asks "Dave what in the world should i do with my mother?"...that tells me everything i need to know....
but wait a second, boomers voted themselves social security which is bankrupt by the way, no fault divorce, and many other welfare programs we currently pay for...that isnt enough??????
she should've stayed married. this is just classic. someone not wanting to take responsibility for their own actions
If i were John i would get out of California.... that state will be broke if they keep it shutdown for much longer. or she could live in an rv
Americans are really emotionally cold 😢
this does not apply to filipinos..... for sure
"Cash flow train wreck..." Oh my... Lord help all the baby boomers... We have failed...
Don't we just push mom and dad into a nursing facility in America 😉
Who can afford nursing homes anymore?!