Thank you SO MUCH for the first myth busted, I devoted far too much of my life to a narcissistic aging parent and especially during the years my kids were younger. I can never get that time back, and my mom didn't appreciate it, she saw me as an employee more than anything
This is exactly what I'm going through now. I pay my moms bills and take care of a huge amount of yard work. She's out chasing younger men at 75. My son is 2.
Took the words right out of my mouth. These types are THIEVES. they steal your child hood and still normally from young adult life. For many people they still fight through the trauma in their 30s. Just to have to sacrifice more for them when they are 40? Not me..
I hear you I’ve been taking care of people (my dad starting at 14, because my mom was “at college” to get a law degree she never used). She never made me me, but I really loved him and felt so sorry for him. Long story short. Now I’m taking care of her, after raising a grandchild also. She never thought of anybody but herself. I’m fu*king tired. I’ve had NO LIFE. Oh! And when I first took her in, she gave me 300$ a month, BFD, a d then she got mad at me me about something, lomg story, a d went to 100$! I’m sSO SO SORRY I’m a decent person.
@mangot589 in my experience, aging parents can be some of the most self-absorbed people ever. Therapy has helped me realize I have every right to put my wife & kids ahead of my mom. I'm sorry about your situation, it sounds really tough. Please stay strong and don't forget to care for yourself!
My parents constantly said they never wanted their kids to care for them. They’ll never be a burden. I knew my parents had a boat load of money. Inherited and savings. And then the hammer fell. They both became ill. Suddenly, it was constantly held over our heads that our inheritance was dependent upon how we took care of them in their old age. I worked full time. But I had to put my job in jeopardy when they went into hospital numerous times. They wouldn’t hire anyone to shop, clean or take them to many appts. I was exhausted for years doing most care. I knew they had more than enough money to pay for extra help but they just kept playing the well you are our kids and you’ll get money when we die so you should just do everything we ask. I kept telling them, I’m exhausted too. Just get help. PLEASE. They both had to go to nursing home. I was so relieved. Still got a little money but it wasn’t worth the stress of having my own job downgraded as I was no longer a reliable employee. I never told my parents. Your boss doesn’t care that you have to leave work a couple times a week. I so wish parents wouldn’t do that. I never had kids myself. My mom never understood. She just wanted what she wanted. Oh and they abandoned their pets and left a horribly messy house for us kids to clean up. That is cruelty. They’ve been gone over 10 years but those last 7 years of hell haunt me still.
Ten years for me taking care of parent. They never planned. Just expected that I would do it. I lost my freedom, income, and social life. Emotional roller coaster!
Unfortunately I can relate to you with this situation. It has been 8-9 years for me and I lost so many friends I forgot what having a social life is even like.
It's hard but I can't imagine letting a stranger do this for me even though I complain a lot. I know it's not forever. I just wished I had planned out more vacations before they became too needy.
Right there with ya. I'm going into year #4 looking after my dad. I spent my childhood trying to be as good as twin brother. All I ever did was want to be special in my dad's eyes along with him. Now that my dad needs help my brother informed it was my JOB to do so. My brother refuses to spend anytime here so I can take a vacation with my husband. It's so hard to not be bitter.
Sorry to hear. I would never speak to my brother if I had one if he did that. Friends of our family volunteered to come for a week this year so I can take a vacation. Hope someone else in your life would do the same for you!
People who had unsatisfactory relationships with their parents, found them narcissitic, abusive, unhelpful, unsupportive -why should they be compelled to be a caregiver ?
My perspective for my life: Just because they were shitty to me that doesn’t mean I have to be shitty to them. They had crappy childhoods and have mental illness. They were raised in a culture that told them to “just pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” I’m fortunate to live in a time where mental health treatment is more advanced and more accepted. As the oldest of three I’ve been parenting in one way or another since I was 5. I excluded my parents for many years. Now at 57 I can acknowledge they did the best they could given their situation and can step back into a modified parental role with them. For me it’s about managing my expectations of them.
I’ve been a nurse and can tell you that the vast majority of elderly people I cared for had no support from their children. Those people weren’t all narcissists. There are a lot of people who lack the empathy to understand how vulnerable their parents become as they grow older. This lack of empathy, from what I have seen, is a big part of why children don’t get involved in helping their elderly parents. We should judge that.
I’ve wrecked my back trying to lift my Mum off a commode. I am exhausted and depressed by the relentless demands made of me. As an only child with no kids of my own, I ask myself who is going to take care of me. I am already 70 plus and it all seems so pointless and scary.
There are places you can move where you can maintain your independence but receive help if need be. Also if you need help making a plan, perhaps you can work with a counselor, stating at the beginning or first session that it is your intention to come up with a plan for when you can no longer care for yourself. Another avenue might be writing down all the steps you need to take to get your life in a position where you are not worried about your future. I wish you the best of luck.
I wish I could hug you. Maybe it's time to hire some equipment to help you like a hoist or steady? I'm in a similar situation. Mom 93, me, daughter no kids
You can plan your own eldercare. There's no excuse to let it fall on your kids and ruin their lives if they choose to pick your entire life up as their adult dependent. I have no idea why society thinks it's okay for parents to suddenly become completely irresponsible with themselves. If you don't plan your care, you get the care you get, not what you want.
@@honestfriend767 Your parents choose to have kids for themselves. Not for your sake. If you are born to repay your parents for something you didn't consent to you are a slave and I feel so fucking bad for you that you are just fine with it and judge others all the same. You have no idea what each individual's parents "gave them" along with a life created solely to make their parent feel whole, have a project, not be lonely, use for labor, or any other selfish reason people have children. Those who create contracts with their own CHILDREN to take from them are awful entitled people. If you want to care of your parents because they were lovely and raised you well, cool. Don't expect it from your own kids or anyone else because we are all different and no one is entitled to a damn thing. God helps those who help themselves, not those prey on their OWN children.
True Society needs to stop thinking its strictly a filial duty to pick up the pieces for parents who neglected there health all there lives due to there own negligence
@@honestfriend767 Nonsense. You didn't choose to be born, your parents *chose* to have you. You didn't just fall into their lap, raising you was a burden that they *chose* to take on. When you love people, you don't saddle them with burdens against their will that they did not choose. Be a damn adult and be responsible for your own life. Don't be a bum.
I think another point in this conversation is that not everyone has had the same relationship with thier parents. Children shouldn't be made to feel an obligation to take on elder care for thier parents nor should they be forced to. This can only worsen so many situations.
I am taking care of my mum with Alzheimers for 4.5 years now. My choice. But then again I am not English or American and in our culture we honor our parents. I stopped work to do this and i do not see it as a burden.
My 97 year old aunt demands that I leave my home, job and social life and move 200 miles to move in with her because she is bored. She is in an independent living facility and is just fine. Her passive aggressive response is to call the police on me for security checks. I have had to replace or repair my door multiple times.
Hopefully you can call the non-emergency line for the police in your area and explain your situation. The police might also have some ideas of what you can do to protect yourself from these situations in the future.
It’s also more than just our parents. I have a downstairs neighbor who is just 6 years my senior and “decided” I should take care of her, even before she became ill. You cannot, as a neighbor lateral yo me, decide I’m in for a life change, merely because you moved in. I hold agency over that. Had I begun taking care of things for her, she’d have also understood a change in power dynamic. That I would want to visit with her doctor, see medical records, and start making decisions over how much TV, eating and exercise was going on, because she seems like the type to not mitigate her circumstances and, instead, further burden someone else, who actually works for a living, instead of retiring early. I’ve gathered that a couple of my neighbors feel that, because an older single, black woman with no children lives in the building, that I should be running a free hospital. SURPRISE🎉!
being grateful for your parents taking care of you is plain foolish. Them feeding you, clothing you, and housing you is a parents RESPONSIBILITY as a parent. The bare minimum that they CHOSE to have when having kids. Do you ask for a puppy, feed him, and house then say he should be grateful and owes you? Of course not you chose to get the puppy and it’s responsibilities. You can be grateful towards your parents of course but don’t get brainwashed into thinking you owe them everything for the BARE MINIMUM responsibilities THEY CHOSE when having children. But of course many 3rd world countries don’t think of responsibilities and pop out kids left and right in poverty then explain their kids owe them and should be grateful for what they had that parents are supposed to do as good responsible people in the first place.
@@Theowlhawk not only parents. Even people who dont know you will say “family is family” and “you wouldnt be here without your parents” or “you owe them your life” These are all so laughable. They would only apply if they have been supportive, guiding and loving all the way. But if they gave you anxiety, depression and beatings, then you owe them nothing! In fact, they owe you… for a stolen childhood, a loving home, a warm and caring environment, mental and emotional stability. Unless your parents gave you all these, then they have no right to demand anything from you as an adult-whether you’ve been damaged or come out a stronger person.
@all This is exactly what I'm going through. Crazy I find this video and can relate to so many! You are so right I was guilted by my mom to hate my Dad for cheating on her and having her on this pedestal for feeding me frozen/canned food and keeping clothes on my back when much of that was provided by my grandmother and step-father. Now I'm older with a son of my own. Looking at the whole picture my mom slept in and started work late so she got home late. She was mostly absent or completely abandoned me with my dad for some of my childhood when my dad always visited me. For years my mom never visited. Now she is 75 years old, with dementia on 2 antidepressants and she's this weird old, cold, void person who is chasing younger men. She plasters on gallons of make up and has people tell her she looks young for her age but with out the make-up she looks exactly like my grandmother before she passed at 72. Can anyone offer advice? I pay my moms bills and everything is expensive. I take care of all this yard work for her, pay her a couple grand a month and clean her house... and none of it is appreciated at all. It's just so weird. I'm her indentured servant and she acts like a 13 year old boy crazy terrible teen. What do I do can anyone help?
I do want to point out that not caring for an elderly parent doesn't always have to do with a fraught family history but logistics and temperament . Maybe the adult child lives far away , cant afford to take a lot of time off work and just doesn't do well juggling a lot of responsibilities or have the temperament for caregiving . All relevant reasons !
I am spending a few weeks at my father's and your video is spot on. He is 80 and has narcissistic personality. I put aside my resentment and want to help him. Indeed, I see him sleeping a lot, spending most day laying. His apartment is full of stuff he hoards, and I try to clean up but it is hard to throw it away. Despite the mean hurtful words, when I don't meet his needs (giving him all my attention and day), I can see he is not doing well and don't know how to help.
This is my exact situation my mother is 63. We just took her out the nursing home on Friday. She's a narcissist as well and I live with her and my father. She has the whole apartment hoarded up. But yet I am the only sibling here helping her. 😔 it's so hadd
I am sorry Ginette. It is hard. I stayed with him 2 weeks and I oscillated between frustration and anger and feeling pity and sorry for him. I cleaned up a bit but he wouldn't let me throw away many useless things that would make his place more spacious and clean. I started to see his grandiosity as a delusion and feel pity instead of judging. NPD are damaged people and it's more visible when they age and become vulnerable. Still hard to set boundaries with them as they easily rage and don't see our needs as legit.
I relate so much. My mom is 61 and extremely narcissistic. She never took good care of herself and can not do daily tasks independently refuses to go back to a nursing home. Her apartment is so hoarded up. It stinks because she can barely get up to go to the bathroom most times. She can’t clean do laundry drive or even go to her mailbox. She wears diapers and still soils her clothes. Today I went over to drop off groceries and she had Amazon packages everywhere( like she needs more useless stuff?) But can’t manage to order groceries online because poor service on her phone 🤨 . I’m a mom of 4 and due to have baby #5 in two months. She’s driving me absolutely insane . And if I dare tell her it’s too much responsibility for me she cries and does a pity me speech.
This is nearly exactly what we are going through with my partner’s 80 yr old father. He is extremely healthy but moved in with us at the start of COVID due to having a cancer removing surgery and radiation. He is in bed all day save for the two times a day he walks his dogs that he inherited from his wife who passed 8 years ago. They are absolutely awful (tiny elderly dogs that bark nonstop, get aggressive and pee anytime they are let out of his room when he wants a change of scenery). He’s cranky constantly. I am his soul sounding board to complain about my partner and his adult son who also lives with us (whole other nightmare of a story). It’s so not where I saw my life at 45 yrs old. I’m too young to be taking care of this man who doesn’t even really appreciate it but my partner has so much resentment towards his for his abusive behavior when he was growing up. It’s not even his bio father. Yet here we are.
Forgot to add about the attention needs all throughout the day. I just recently got laid off from a 10 year job where I finally went back to the office 4 out of 5 days. At first it was tough but it was the only thing I looked forward to to get out of this house and away from everything- especially his father who complains nonstop to me. It’s like there’s a magnetic pull the second i walk into my kitchen- he can’t even hear unless he has his new hearing aid in (that we just paid 6k for- and is hardly ever used) yet the second I am in there, he comes shuffling in to unleash every ounce of anger and frustration he has built up. No one (out of 3 others who live here) talks to him or even remotely pays a lick of attention so I feel obligated to check on him, be his sounding board, take him outside. It’s an awful existence especially given that I don’t even like my own partner most days. (Funny but not at all bc I’m so serious). I can’t leave especially now that I’m unemployed and it feels like I’m quickly declining just by having to be in this horrible situation. Anyway, so happy j found this channel and video this very early morning. It’s the first I’ve watched that sums up where I am also at in my 40’s no less!
Thank you so much for this video. I care for my over 90 year old granny doing everything I can to keep her in her home. Some days I feel bad and this video helped thank you.
Wow. So completely void of duty or honor. This disfunction appears to be a sign of a falling society dependent on the state because the family unit has crumbled. We should take note of other cultures and how families care for each other and live together.
My mother spends most of her retired days in bed and its killing her health. Also,i understand people who had a difficult relationship with their parents. Not everyone loves their parents because they never received any love from them.
If my father hadn't taken out fraudulent loans in my name and wrecked my credit before I reached the age of 18, I might have the means to pay for his elder care. I will do my best, but he robbed me, so expecting me to pay for his care now is a bit of a stretch.
I am a parent of 4 adult children, I adore my kids, give to and help them when I can.. I was born with a crippling disease in the MD family called CMT1A. It affects my nerves and muscles similar to MS. I am out debt, insured, have a mortgage free home. I have become more disabled, use a walker inside and a power chair outside. My home is rural. I can't go places alone. I can't mow the yard. I don't want to be a burden but I need help the state won't provide because I can bathe, dress myself, etc. My insurance won't cover a nursing home and my children can't afford it and I'm really not bad off enough to be in a nursing home. Interesting how this lady is talking like she understands how it is to be the elderly person yet she isn't the elderly person.
Maybe not every case but the children should take care of the parents. One good reason is your kids see how you treat your parents and your kids will treat you the same way.
This video addresses the “not every case”. A successful caregiving arrangement is one in which there is mutual respect, and a high degree of cooperation on the part of the care recipient; that tends to not be the case for elderly Cluster B parents. For adult children of personality-disordered parents, providing care for one’s abuser does not come naturally, and may not be possible.
Is that an excuse. Am Jamaican and a np in America. I took care of my father from 21-35, working two jobs, yes I put my needs aside because that’s how I was raised. Most filipinos, Jamaicans, Africans, just to name a few care for their elderly parents at home. It’s a family affair. Your parents cared for you as a child. It is now their time that they need you so you need to make sure that you are there for them 100%. My mother and I do not have a great relationship but she’s the only mother I have and I love her and if anything was to happen to her, I would drop everything and I would go and I will take care of her that’s just what you do. And furthermore in Jamaica, we don’t have no nursing homes because family is who takes care of family, your life is not too important and too precious for you to care for your family. But then I am an outsider looking in maybe if I was born in America and raised in America maybe I would have the same perspective. This is just an opinion and that’s just how I feel. Thank you.
It’s your life , but look at this it’s just too selfish to use your children as caretakers , you can still take care of them but at the same time place them for home for aged . So you can balance your life , would you use your own children to be your slave of CNA?
on a different note, your life is as precious as your parents. Meaning you do not have an obligation to sacrifice years of happiness for them. A definite no
@@njrom2975 Thanks for replying. It’s just a different upbringing. I was raised that you take care of your parents as they took care of you. Thanks for your thoughts.
That is a one on one case! Sometimes we stop our lives for years to help aging parents, and go bankrupt! Lost business, and fall fully into indebtedness. Yes, we are supposed to help our parents BUT IT CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL STRESSFUL CRAZY 😫 COMMITMENT, AND NARCIST PARENTS DO NOT CHANGE JUST BECAUSE THEY GET SICK OR OLD IN FACT THEY CAN GET EVEN WORSE! MORE ACCUSSING, MORE DEMANDING AND BY THE WAY, NOT MATTER WHAT YOU DO FOR THEM, IS NEVER ENOUGH. THEY STILL CAN BE VERY MEANT TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE HELPING THEM. THEY MAY COMPARE YOU WITH "better" people 😤 and they may feel very entitled to your time and resources. And in the end they will still try to diminish you and destroy you in the process. I think everyone should plan for their elderly years without the help of thier children, because when we get old we don't need children, sorry to say, what we really need is money so we can pay for our medical care and services without bothering anyone. Not even our children, as much as it is good to help our elderly parents, WE PARENTS SHOULD NOT BECOME A BURDEN FOR OUR CHILDREN. To me helping aging parents is an honor and absolute a very costly blessing! Everything in this life has a price! Especially love! And if you don't believe me, ask Jesus. .loving us,.it did cost him his life. Real love has a very expensive price tag. Yes I will do it again, but only this time I will pay somebody to do it for me so I know better. Honor your parents! For your own sake, but for your own good, so that when is over and done, YOU HAVE PEACE IN YOUR HEART KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE DONE GOD'S WORK TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITIES. AMEN AND GOD BLESS
You express what I've heard from many children of aging parents. It can be an amazing gift to care for a parent but it takes a toll of energy and time that can cause a person to sacrifice in other areas of life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and taking the time to comment.
I don't know what to believe in anymore. I'm exhausted. My mom changed alot since she turned 60 and it has been a roller-coaster for me. I've been doing my part and help in what I was able too even helping by sending money as much as I could. Ever since I stopped sending money I am now a bad daughter and Satan's child. My dad says that we are obligated by the laws of God to take care of them at all times and with money too. I am so traumatized already and don't know what to do. I was told that when a person dies young it's because they were not good children to their parents and God is going to take you out. I don't know what to do and I'm just so tired of it 😔. How can they say something Ike that? I will never understand. I've never been a bad daughter 😢
Exactly that's why I say you have no obligation to take care of your parents as they get older just cos they took care of you as a child. A child's destiny is to grow up and reproduce. An elderly person has lived their life and done their duty and are no longer needed so their destiny is to die so let them
@@jazminvazquezgalindez938 don’t send money. Take them in and rent out their old home and use the monthly rent to help pay for their care and health care expenses.
Can you help with how to care for elderly narcissistic parents. I believe that we should honor our parents and do the right thing and take care of them but I want to make sure I'm doing it right and that I am handling it in a proper manner and honoring God as well as my parents. I gone through a lot of stress taking care of my parent but at the same time my parent also has good traits but when we get together and stay for a while then that's when it becomes very stressful between us. So stressful that I was overwhelmed and would cry. However, I'm very forgiving and I always talk to my parent with much love as we live long distance and we have a good relationship when we talk on the phone and my parent tends to be supportive and so in some ways we are close but I do get worried about the time will come when I have to be there consistently and I've taken care of my parent before and I went to a lot of stress and I had no help from my siblings. My siblings have never cared for her when it came to surgery or doctor's appointments or going to get groceries and just everything everything that a person needs to survive. They helped her financially and take her to dinner and although they've gone through some things with our parent at the same time caregiving is probably the hardest thing compared to that. Thank you so much for all you do and may God bless you
In my country you are legally responsible for older parents, you would have to prove they have done something really bad to you (s*xual abuse for example, mental abuse isn't enough) in order to be allowed not to care for them.
Right, I think it really depends on where you are from, In my mom's culture, (Vietnamese) they don't believe in putting your parents in a nursing home so right now I'm her caregiver and it's not easy but I'm making the best out of it. I don't even think I could put her in one but everyone's situation is different. Although I do feel so overwhelmed at times because she has narcissistic tendencies lol
I take care of a bedridden husband for the last 5 years.he had 2 surgery s.he is starting to walk again.lots of hard work and exercises.i have a broken back in 2 places. A female problem.need eye surgery.and im lame in my right foot.i run a ranch with livestock.im seeing a dr. For myself next month.to fix a few things.we have a daughter who lives a hour away.no help from her att all. I will tell her whats going on with her dad.when i get real sick.im not telling her anything.i will try to take care of myself till the end.she comes up for the holidays and expects me to cook for all of us.which i do.❤
Its really difficult when a parent is elderly and needs a care giver.. At our elder law firm in Arkansas we often have to help families prepare the legal documents to get assisted living care or to do their estate planning. Great job on this video. Would be great to collaborate.
You spent years with seniors and fully understand their needs, behaviour and solutions, no doubt Yr suggestions here r conclusion of yr experience and the best way to serve humanity
i feel obligated to take care of my mother because she suffers from mental illness and she has advanced copd. i lost my uncle to cancer this year and now im paranoid im going to lose her too. i never have a moment's peace. i constantly call her to make sure she's still alive. i can't live like this. i don't know what to do anymore.
In this past 6 months I had cold twice, thought i had a heart attack false alarm and now I'm suffering from stomach bug the worst illness I experienced recently. My ungrateful, pain in the neck parents are the most selfish and they were never loving or supportive towards me mum especially was and is abusive. So I dont know how I ended up in this situation. As I kid my tooth was extracted and the wound was not healing had blood in my mouth and my pillow had stains not once she asked me let me see your mouth. Her friend saw it she told my mum off and took me to the dentist where they had to stitch the gum... And now I take her to dentist and I'm going to be honest I hate doing this. I can't stand them, don't want to hear their voices or see their faces. Once I'm recovered from this awful illness I'm going to have a honest chat with them. Tell them exactly how I feel about them. This is way too ridiculous not to treat your child right then expect them to take care of you? Nope is not gonna happen
How are you today. I have a very similar situation in my life. I don't think is my obligation to take care of my mum if when I was a child she didn't take care of me and gave me to the neighbours to do it. She is now 83 y old still ok but I am not happy thinking she expects me to be responsible for her after being a horrible mum to me my intire life
@@conexaolondresbrasil Hi, thank you that horrible illness lasted for 5 weeks and my dad was taken to emergency 5mins later he had a cardiac arrest and was transferred to another hospital. My relatives was ringing me giving me updates and asking me to come to the hospital they well knew I was suffering and very ill. At the end I said OK I had enough of explaining myself. I stayed overnight. My brother was on holiday and he decided to come back. After him arriving I had full 10 days rest at home. I can't even describe the feeling of relief. Finally I can rest. My body was too tired to fight off this virus. And I had thought of many things but the most important thing was I'm too tired of this negative thoughts. I didn't want to live this way. Once I had my rest I had an open conversation with both parents. Mum shouted at me and started crying. Dad was OK I guess, as he had his operation I was not that harsh. Both got the message I guess or they pretend 😉anyway future will show. Now my mindset is just to treat them as old couple who needs help. To be honest they shouldn't ask anything of us but they will as they have nobody. So I'm guessing your mum will too if she has the money and wants to go to retirement home let her do that. Unfortunately my parents don't. I wouldn't even think twice.
As someone who does not have a personality disorder, it is very unpleasant to be in that situation when a narcissistic parent has isolated their own child from the family, then turns around and expects the adult child to be there. It reignites the trauma because the need is less than genuine as I have learned to see through the manipulation. It's merely a loss of power and control over their own lives and the circle in which they belonged. They will then attempt to gain power and control over whomever they feel is vulnerable going back to the child that was the scapegoat. It is horrifying!
What goes around comes around. Parents will spend Hundreds of thousands even Millions giving the Son's and Daughters a better life. This is Happening in Western society. Parents end up in old age homes.
If you're in your parents will and they are leaving you, all of their money, do you want less by paying an expensive nursing home. Your inheritance $$$ could be 0 Or take care of them to save your inheritance $$$ FAMILY COMES FIRST
Well gee thanks Doc. My kids don't want me and assisted living is above my touch even with Veterans Aid and Attendance. There very literally is nothing for rent in my area. What am I supposed to do? Live in my car at 80? In a cold climate? I live with my daughter for now and while I can hear her footsteps she doesn't come down for a week at a time. I'm very reluctant to go upstairs as I don't want bother either she or her husband. I took care of my grandmother, my aunt and husband of 50 years before they died. I have no brothers or sisters. Now when my daughter comes downstairs it's when she wants something or she may hang out for 10 min. I have heart failure but have managed it for some 15 years now, quite successfully. It's harder getting up the stairs but I can do it. I feed myself, order groceries delivered but have to hire someone to take up the garbage or laundry. Oh, and I take care of her very sick cat that's dying of cancer. But I'm sure many here will call me a narcissist and "toxic".
No, not narcissistic. Bitter, maybe, although you ARE living with your daughter and husband-- but just because you took care of your elderly family members doesn't mean that anyone owes you. You obviously resent taking care of the poor sick cat, and have a martyr mentality instead of one of gratitude. If you can't afford to live on your own, SOMEONE has to help with costs. Your daughter and husband have an income and a home to provide, but making sure they DO have those things takes work and effort. Them living their own lives while providing that, even if your daughter only hangs out with you for "ten minutes" or when she "wants something" doesn't lessen that and doesn't make her selfish. They opened their home to you while still trying to have their own lives. Maybe you should try making friends or doing activities in your age group. Be proactive in your own life instead of complaining about your circumstances. It's up to you to make your existence a satisfying experience, no matter what your age is-- it's not up to anyone else.
@@scooterpatooter9484 Yes, something isn’t right there. Maybe mother and daughter had a bad relationship, nevertheless,the daughter provides a roof over mom’s head, but doesn’t want a chat to go on long enough to turn into a fight. There are other kid(s) who “don’t want” her…why is that? Adult children may or may not have the means to help, but they would do their best…for loving parents.
So why does your daughter not like being around you? If you're gonna give us all that info maybe tell us what you did to make her not want to be around you
Pray to god for your family people. They are not perfect,like you,and many of them are even MORE imperfect then you can tolerate. We are all born into this world without having ANY CHOICE about what kind of PEOPLE we want to be. Im sure that if people had the freedom to choose how they want to be,many would choose to be DECENT and GREAT people. Also,im sure, that many would choose never to be BORN on this planet either.
I 100% disagree with your title in my husband’s situation. His mother is a narcissist, and very passive aggressive. She tries to make her sons her husband, and insists on 100% of his attention. She will even fake a fall , of be incontinent of stool all over the floor so they will have to be helped, or cleaned up after. Then she tells everyone what a good son she has for cleaning up after her. For the past at least five years she’s been sending all of her money to scammers, and has been repeatedly shown they aren’t who they say they are. She has a pretty good retirement income, but instead of taking care of herself she sends it to Nigerian men she’s never met!
It’s also important to note that advice such as this is given from a Westernized perspective and that those teachings are often benefit those who are WEIRD. (Westernized, educated, industrialized, rich and Democratic) While the question seems to be a no-brainer for those with troubled childhoods, I think the answer could hold more nuance for those who had great childhoods and live their parents. The attitude that I see from many people is that putting their parents in a home is not necessarily because of life circumstances but as a form of punishment and revenge.
Great vid! Thank you for spreading the wisdom! I have personal and some professional experience with the elder population, and found everything you said very much so 🙏🏽🤗⏳✨
Had it up here trying to keep my elderly abusivr father company. It's just not worth my sanity anymore to try to show love towards someone who has never been a decent man.
I would NEVER NOT care for my parents “honor thy Father and Mother “ My Mom is EXTREMELY difficult but I do my best. Other societies don’t dump their old people in nursing homes and neglect them.
How much are you willing to sacrifice for your mother? For instance, would you sacrifice your relationship with your children or neglect them for years to care for your mother? How about your financial well being and going bankrupt for your mother? How about your own health? Would you allow your mother to go as far as murder you? "Extremely difficult" is pretty vague. If she was actively trying to destroy you would you just accept it? Your comment has me considering the words codependency and enmeshment. Perhaps your mother isn't quite as difficult as mine who never fails to reminds me how much she hates me. I wouldn't put attempted murder past her, tbh.
You can take care but not too much ! You did not ask to be born , so it’s ok to at least have your own time , don’t break your back because of them , it won’t bring you to heaven , you can use assisted living or senior home and you h can visit
Cluster B types can make it impossible for their children to take care of them. A successful caregiving situation requires that the recipient is highly cooperative, and that is not a Cluster B feature, to put it mildly.
As long as the adult children are glad that they have no inheritance left because the parents have spent it all on home care or care in a long term care facility. Oh and maybe there won’t be enough left to cover the funeral and burial or cremation costs depending on the income of the parents. What have we done as parents that our children feel no concern for how we spend our last decade? So sad that we gave up vacations and remortgaged our homes to pay for their university educations and now are being told not to expect any help from our now educated with good jobs adult children! Seriously????
Reposted a reply to the main comments for obvious reasons... (desperation): @all This is exactly what I'm going through. Crazy I find this video and can relate to so many! You are so right I was guilted by my mom to hate my Dad for cheating on her and having her on this pedestal for feeding me frozen/canned food and keeping clothes on my back when much of that was provided by my grandmother and step-father. Now I'm older with a son of my own. Looking at the whole picture my mom slept in and started work late so she got home late. She was mostly absent or completely abandoned me with my dad for some of my childhood when my dad always visited me. For years my mom never visited. Now she is 75 years old, with dementia on 2 antidepressants and she's this weird old, cold, void person who is chasing younger men. She plasters on gallons of make up and has people tell her she looks young for her age but with out the make-up she looks exactly like my grandmother before she passed at 72. Can anyone offer advice? I pay my moms bills and everything is expensive. I take care of all this yard work for her, pay her a couple grand a month and clean her house... and none of it is appreciated at all. It's just so weird. I'm her indentured servant and she acts like a 13 year old boy crazy terrible teen. What do I do can anyone help?
Elderly I strongly encourage you to maintain your Independence and exclude any toxic control freak or relative who would just love your estate even if it means putting you in a nursing home to get it sooner. Legally exclude them and depending on how toxic they are do not put them on your will. Make yourself a small Target. Do not have toxic helpers around you either. Kids do not have a responsibility if you make legal documents to completely exclude them and get an alternative that actually cares about you and is genuine.
My elderly mother does sleep A LOT. I don't know if it's related to her Alzheimers meds (I don't think so, but I have no idea.) She typically is only up about 8 hours a day.
Reminder to parents, you aren't obligated to give your will to your children. Give them nothing. When you give your house to them, they will kick you out from the same house.
A channel I watch used your audio in a spoof video. I was immediately intrigued so I looked at the dx and saw the link to this video. It’s exactly what my partner (and myself as a result) is enduring. My FIL moved in with us unexpectedly in March 2020 due to having his ear removed related to melanoma. He healed amazingly well but wasn’t able to be alone for the first few months bc of radiation post surgery. Anyway, he was a severely abusive alcoholic who beat my partner (55M) for his entire youth and then some. Trouble is, he will speak about everyone else drinking and acting a fool except himself. He’s also extremely crabby and spends 99% of his day in and out of the kitchen which is the only place I love to be in this house so it has affected my freedom in a way although I don’t let it affect me other than being very annoyed when I have to drop everything to have a 20 min conversation about the consistency of his dogs feces every single day (it’s literally an obsessive conversation with him). I am so happy to have found a video about this and will absolutely be watching more.
I live in SE Asia and it is unthinkable to a family to put their parents in a home or not care for them. They consider it an honor not a chore. For them it is unthinkable to say ‘No’, lets go the whole hog in the west and if your 10 yr old has MS and is a challenge to take care of lets just turf them into state care, hell get them adopted. Many ‘Geriatrics’ by definition of the term are not themselves either physically, mentally or both. If you think taking care of your Mum or Dad is ruining your life or too much work you are a selfish sob that should have been put i to foster care at birth.
@@YuBerrie Thanks. my parents were not perfect but gave up their lives for me. Cleaned my shitty nappies, cared for me when i was sick, comforted when needed and tried to make sure i got the best education, which gave me a good start in life. I realize that some people have had bastard parents snd there is zero love. But for me the really elderly simply revert to being kids, and how could i not take care of them in return for what they did for me. To be honest there are many many selfish posts on here and I dont really get it. In SE Asia families LOVE IT if their parents live with them. We have my 85 yr old Mother in law live with us. No real trouble and she can cook better than any Master Chef! We have a truly happy family and the kids adore Grandma.
@@YuBerrie We southeast asians also don't have a perfect family all the time. That's a fantasy, not an excuse to not throw them out from their own house that we got from their will.
Exactly. My parents are from South America, I was born in the United States. I could never imagine putting my parents away in a home. They will come live with me, my wife and kid. My wife is also from South America and agrees.
Thanks for this. I only today learned the job title Geriatrician. My mom had a small stroke, and is in hospital, and i find the doctor unable to counsel me on what's happening to my mom overall. She's 79, and she's changing. Is it possible for adult children of the elderly to sit down with a geriatrician to get some info on just what does happen when people get old? Like, as for dementia, they don't want to diagnose it early at the hospital, Dr said, it's something where the elderly patient is brought in already quite advanced for this diagnosis. otherwise it causes offense. But if that's the reason for my mom's odd behaviour these past few years, I want to know. It would soften offences laid upon me by her. It seems like there's a lot I don't know about getting old. I have subscribed to learn more, from your channel.
You I’m afraid are on your own. When my mom had massive stroke, a Dr handed my a notebook called Stroke, Everything You Want to Know. That’s when I knew my mom had a stroke. Only then. The Dr. Walked away as I tried to digest the title of the Binder. No questions, no answers. She lasted ten days, paralyzed. I now know my mom had many mini strokes as she tried to explain her puzzling symptoms. Elder care is one of the most tricky. Educate, read, listen, ask and watch. Do all these small but vital things to catch ANY sign of illness in your parents. If they mention it, they’ve probably been experiencing it for some time. My parents, I know, didn’t want to bother their busy kids. But it would have saved the horror of finding my dad collapsed on his bathroom floor, never to recover.
This is where I am at. Mine moved with me after a massive stroke. Her offenses piss me off and I want to say it is just stroke brain coupled with being elderly, but she acts perfect with staff that comes in for rehab and then goes back to being nasty once they are gone to me, the one that cares and provides for her.
@@KA-ho7wt That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. When I moved here where I am now, a year ago, I had only just decided not to buy a home that had room for her in it. Previous to that point I was looking for a place that could house both of us. I'm glad I decided not to go that route. I have a friend who was in a similar situation with his father, a very curmudgeonly stubborn, angry old fart. My friend finally got his dad into a home but they have to pay an extortionate amount for it.
I'm going through this Exact thing. My mom has not had a stroke but is 75 and clearly has dementia. She even admits it at times but then still wants to say she's in great shape and looks young for her age. She looks exactly like my grandma now who died at 72. My grandfather had dementia and my mom has been crazy desperate for younger men recently. Its gotten weird 😕. I don't know what to do. I have a 2 year old and pay my moms bills. She's on anti depressants that also cause dementia in patients her age. I'd like to contact her doctor.
I am Disgusted to learn that 30 states have Laws (on the books) which require people to take care of their elderly parents!! Thank God the state in which I live in (Illinois) is Not one of those states!!! >-(
I am so grateful for my mother who rarely asks for anything. My father died 13 years ago, and she’s cared for herself, and her home ever since. She is about a year older than my mother in law who is a nightmare! She sends all her money to scammers, and is so vial, and nasty that not even nursing homes want her. She could afford a small place, with a live in caregiver if she’d stop sending $$ to scammers. Of course most people wouldn’t want to take care of her because she’s such a horrible person.
Parents should send their children to orphanages. An orphanage is a bare minimum, just like a nursing home is. Why should you be expected to devote your entire life raising your children with privileges and give away the property you worked for to them when you will be kicked away from the house by them when you're old anyway?
We were narcissistic when we were teenagers and did anything that made our parents devote themselves, sacrificing their personal life. When you age, you mentally age backwards as a kid.
I was definitely not narcissistic as a teenager. I was empathic and suffering from lack of self identity simply because my dad was/is a narcissist. I was suicidal from age 20 to age 30. That is the opposite of narcissism. That is being a victim of a narcissist.
Well, my parents never took care of their parents 😅. And mine are at our house ( first my brother the other brother then my sister the other sister now me) since the age of 50 spending their money on casinos and saying they are doing everything alone that nobody helps them 🤔. They are now 65. Did we do it wrong. and I left the house when I was 15.
This video and the comments that I have read on here are some of most sorriest things I have ever heard in my life. I am so glad that my mom and dad raised me better. They provided for me, went above and beyond. Made sure I never did without. Raised me in church, taught me to love the Lord and honor his commandments. To those of you who don't think it's right for us to take care of our parents when they can't do it themselves and they provided for you, you all will have a serious payday.
The people who say you shouldn't be grateful because they're "supposed to do that". Let me ask you this. When a doctor helps cure someone from a horrible disease/condition etc, why do people thank them and sometimes go out of their way to make it up to the doctor somehow? They're supposed to do that, no? It's just a silly argument. That just because someone is supposed to do something, you shouldn't be grateful...lol what?
People thank doctors because it was the people who asked the doctor to give them the service, however, when children are born, children don't ask parents to do certain things. It was the parents choice to bring children in their lives and now they expect their children to do according to what they say as if children are their puppets. Children are separate entities and have their independent minds. When parents say that they did all of this for us and now we owe them something, it looks like they have done us some favour. This kind of attitude doesn't look good
This generation is full of sociopaths who only think of themselves and void of responsibility for their family instead of sticking together as they should. It’s your responsibility to take care of your parents in their final days just as they took care of you when you were infants; they could have just as easily abandoned you at an orphanage just the same as you think of dropping them off in a nursing facility but their love for you said no and they chose to raise you so why shouldn’t you afford them the same gratitude for all they’ve done for you?
Kids just dont care not more both my parents struggled to be there for us kids they both just wasn't good parents but when they got older I was there for them and these kids are just self absorbed and don't care
First of all, ignoring old parents is done by cowards and doesn't matter if they have PhD degrees or they hold higher or lower positions in society. When kids were young parents don't leave so mature kids don't leave their old parents or sick parents.
If that were true, foster care wouldn't exist. Some of us were brutally abused and neglected by our parents. I'm of the mind that what you sow is what you reap.
My opinion. Stop being a burden on your kids. Stop taking all those medicines to make you live longer. What with your walkers, baby care. I’m a care taker, and it ruining MY life, when I was done, and get to enjoy my old(er) age. Nope! Another baby. As soon as you can’t, please don’t. I’m not going to. That’s the gift I’m giving my kids, even though the actually like me and want them to live with them.
You should read your Bible and what it says about taking care of your elderly parents. I'm going to venture to say maybe you didn't have loving parents... You should listen to what Joyce Meyer says about taking care of your elderly parents. she was mentally, emotionally, physically sexually abused by her father until she left home at age 18 and her mother knew it... And God told her to take care of her aging parents. so I find what you say very offensive!!! 🙏🙏🙏
Most often, this type of scenario of a child being abused and being pushed to still care for their parents, as if they’re cattle or a slave, is an idea pushed by people who, themselves, are a great example of arrested development, who have a strong belief that the purpose of having a child, is to have a mini me, that is indebted to them, for the rest of their lives. I cannot think of anything more unloving and abusive, whatever some book says. Essentially, the child is born into slavery and their parents are their slave masters, who will never release them from bondage, because the intent of their birth was not to do better than the previous generation, but to serve the whims, woes and even to make up for the deficiencies of their parents. By the way, I even have a neighbor, who’s only about 62 years old (6 years my senior) who doesn’t even know me and before she even had a degradation in her health, expressed that I should be taking care of her. My mother was also alive at the time and she wasn’t aware and probably didn’t care about my other responsibilities and goals, while she sat in front of the TV all day eating, early retired, while I continued to work. Even adopted a dog she wanted me to care for so, I knew she was insane. So, there are a lot of numbskulls who will pile on you, to get their needs met, because they have some believe what they “think” usurps your very life. Actually, it does not and she soon found that out.
@@privateprivate8366 oh you are so in my thoughts as I read your many painful and so so familiar comments. My life was so similar to yours. I feel so badly for US. Yes, us, as I went through so much similar experience. I’m so sorry for your experience. I don’t know you but I do. I really feel for everything you went through. I just can say you are a good a very good and loving person. I know you are. I’m so sad we’ve gone through what we did. I hope I see your response on here. I’d really like to hear from you in the future if you want. I’d love your response.
No. I dont think we're under any obligation to take care of our elderly parents. I certainly dont with mine. Just cos they took care of us when we were kids dont mean we should take care of them when they are old. a childs destiny is to grow up and reproduce themselves. An elderly person has done their duty and lived their lives so their destiny is to die so let them
For me I think we are responsible to take care of our parents since they brought us up since we are babies. We cannot just send them to old age homes. They are our family, they took care of us, they send us to school, they gave us their love just to built a good healthy family. So yeah I can never imagined not to take care of our parents. Yes i know sometimes they are hard being narcist and so on. But they are still our parents and that narcist attitude happens to most of them due to their age. But hey this is just my opinion and our tradition
Well I think differently. Just cos our parents took care of us as kids dosent mean we need to take care of them as they get old. A child's destiny is to grow up and reproduce. An elderly person has lived their life and done their duty by raising us and are excess baggage. Their destiny is to die so let's stop interfering with the laws of nature.
Just for the record its not that easy to get out of taking care of an elderly parent Even though they might have been Mommie or Daddy Dearest The Healthcare Industry will naturally assume that you will do it even at great personal cost They capitalize on Filial love and devotion in order to save the State resources You need to stand firm as there will be a lot of relentless pressure on you to go against that decision They will even go as far as to threaten to bring you up on charges for elder neglect You have to stay firm and strong
Nah. You get what you give. In general, kids don't owe their parents a dime since we didn't ask to be here -- *they* made that decision; *however,* that said, if you're a loving, peaceful, and positive parent, you definitely have a whole helluva greater chance of having deserved care and looking out for by your children. If you're not... 🤷🏾♀️ Be a better human being. As far as we know, we only have this one life. No one has time, literally, to spend/waste it on people who don't deserve it, whether family, "parents," or otherwise. Be a better human being. ✔
Thank you SO MUCH for the first myth busted, I devoted far too much of my life to a narcissistic aging parent and especially during the years my kids were younger. I can never get that time back, and my mom didn't appreciate it, she saw me as an employee more than anything
This is exactly what I'm going through now. I pay my moms bills and take care of a huge amount of yard work. She's out chasing younger men at 75. My son is 2.
@@guesswhosbackg6616 let's go!
Took the words right out of my mouth. These types are THIEVES. they steal your child hood and still normally from young adult life. For many people they still fight through the trauma in their 30s. Just to have to sacrifice more for them when they are 40? Not me..
I hear you I’ve been taking care of people (my dad starting at 14, because my mom was “at college” to get a law degree she never used). She never made me me, but I really loved him and felt so sorry for him. Long story short. Now I’m taking care of her, after raising a grandchild also. She never thought of anybody but herself. I’m fu*king tired. I’ve had NO LIFE. Oh! And when I first took her in, she gave me 300$ a month, BFD, a d then she got mad at me me about something, lomg story, a d went to 100$! I’m sSO SO SORRY I’m a decent person.
@mangot589 in my experience, aging parents can be some of the most self-absorbed people ever. Therapy has helped me realize I have every right to put my wife & kids ahead of my mom. I'm sorry about your situation, it sounds really tough. Please stay strong and don't forget to care for yourself!
My parents constantly said they never wanted their kids to care for them. They’ll never be a burden. I knew my parents had a boat load of money. Inherited and savings. And then the hammer fell. They both became ill. Suddenly, it was constantly held over our heads that our inheritance was dependent upon how we took care of them in their old age. I worked full time. But I had to put my job in jeopardy when they went into hospital numerous times. They wouldn’t hire anyone to shop, clean or take them to many appts. I was exhausted for years doing most care. I knew they had more than enough money to pay for extra help but they just kept playing the well you are our kids and you’ll get money when we die so you should just do everything we ask. I kept telling them, I’m exhausted too. Just get help. PLEASE. They both had to go to nursing home. I was so relieved. Still got a little money but it wasn’t worth the stress of having my own job downgraded as I was no longer a reliable employee. I never told my parents. Your boss doesn’t care that you have to leave work a couple times a week. I so wish parents wouldn’t do that. I never had kids myself. My mom never understood. She just wanted what she wanted. Oh and they abandoned their pets and left a horribly messy house for us kids to clean up. That is cruelty. They’ve been gone over 10 years but those last 7 years of hell haunt me still.
Feel like talking to you as I am currently suffering with this problem
Same here.
But they took care of u when u were a child , we have to pay them back
@@zeddtt.z695horsemanure
@@zeddtt.z695not every parent take a good care of his child.
Ten years for me taking care of parent. They never planned. Just expected that I would do it. I lost my freedom, income, and social life. Emotional roller coaster!
Unfortunately I can relate to you with this situation. It has been 8-9 years for me and I lost so many friends I forgot what having a social life is even like.
It's hard but I can't imagine letting a stranger do this for me even though I complain a lot. I know it's not forever. I just wished I had planned out more vacations before they became too needy.
Right there with ya. I'm going into year #4 looking after my dad. I spent my childhood trying to be as good as twin brother. All I ever did was want to be special in my dad's eyes along with him. Now that my dad needs help my brother informed it was my JOB to do so. My brother refuses to spend anytime here so I can take a vacation with my husband. It's so hard to not be bitter.
Sorry to hear. I would never speak to my brother if I had one if he did that. Friends of our family volunteered to come for a week this year so I can take a vacation. Hope someone else in your life would do the same for you!
I'm having homicidal thoughts toward my dad.
People who had unsatisfactory relationships with their parents, found them narcissitic, abusive, unhelpful, unsupportive -why should they be compelled to be a caregiver ?
Thank You!!!
We definitely shouldn’t feel obligated to put ourselves through that. No one has the right to abuse another in any way. Good luck to you.
Agree!
My perspective for my life: Just because they were shitty to me that doesn’t mean I have to be shitty to them. They had crappy childhoods and have mental illness. They were raised in a culture that told them to “just pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” I’m fortunate to live in a time where mental health treatment is more advanced and more accepted. As the oldest of three I’ve been parenting in one way or another since I was 5. I excluded my parents for many years. Now at 57 I can acknowledge they did the best they could given their situation and can step back into a modified parental role with them. For me it’s about managing my expectations of them.
I’ve been a nurse and can tell you that the vast majority of elderly people I cared for had no support from their children. Those people weren’t all narcissists. There are a lot of people who lack the empathy to understand how vulnerable their parents become as they grow older. This lack of empathy, from what I have seen, is a big part of why children don’t get involved in helping their elderly parents. We should judge that.
Thank you
I’m 25 and I’m taking steps to make sure I can take care of myself because I won’t end in a nursing home
Throw that gun away dude
SMART!
I'd rather die then do so. Life's too.long it ain't worth putting yourself through hell
Yup, I'm planning on self deliverance when the time comes. I saw my dad die slowly in a nursing home as they milked his SS benefits and ignored him.
I’ve wrecked my back trying to lift my Mum off a commode. I am exhausted and depressed by the relentless demands made of me. As an only child with no kids of my own, I ask myself who is going to take care of me. I am already 70 plus and it all seems so pointless and scary.
There are places you can move where you can maintain your independence but receive help if need be. Also if you need help making a plan, perhaps you can work with a counselor, stating at the beginning or first session that it is your intention to come up with a plan for when you can no longer care for yourself. Another avenue might be writing down all the steps you need to take to get your life in a position where you are not worried about your future. I wish you the best of luck.
I wish I could hug you. Maybe it's time to hire some equipment to help you like a hoist or steady? I'm in a similar situation. Mom 93, me, daughter no kids
You can plan your own eldercare. There's no excuse to let it fall on your kids and ruin their lives if they choose to pick your entire life up as their adult dependent. I have no idea why society thinks it's okay for parents to suddenly become completely irresponsible with themselves. If you don't plan your care, you get the care you get, not what you want.
May God help you. Despite all they have done for you this is how you repay them? I pray you change.
@@honestfriend767 Your parents choose to have kids for themselves. Not for your sake. If you are born to repay your parents for something you didn't consent to you are a slave and I feel so fucking bad for you that you are just fine with it and judge others all the same. You have no idea what each individual's parents "gave them" along with a life created solely to make their parent feel whole, have a project, not be lonely, use for labor, or any other selfish reason people have children. Those who create contracts with their own CHILDREN to take from them are awful entitled people. If you want to care of your parents because they were lovely and raised you well, cool. Don't expect it from your own kids or anyone else because we are all different and no one is entitled to a damn thing. God helps those who help themselves, not those prey on their OWN children.
True Society needs to stop thinking its strictly a filial duty to pick up the pieces for parents who neglected there health all there lives due to there own negligence
@@honestfriend767
Nonsense. You didn't choose to be born, your parents *chose* to have you. You didn't just fall into their lap, raising you was a burden that they *chose* to take on.
When you love people, you don't saddle them with burdens against their will that they did not choose. Be a damn adult and be responsible for your own life. Don't be a bum.
@@honestfriend767 🖕screw god 🖕
I think another point in this conversation is that not everyone has had the same relationship with thier parents.
Children shouldn't be made to feel an obligation to take on elder care for thier parents nor should they be forced to.
This can only worsen so many situations.
Parents shouldn't also feel obligated to give them their will, anything of it knowing they will throw them out of their own house.
I am taking care of my mum with Alzheimers for 4.5 years now. My choice. But then again I am not English or American and in our culture we honor our parents. I stopped work to do this and i do not see it as a burden.
Thank you. People are so selfish
My 97 year old aunt demands that I leave my home, job and social life and move 200 miles to move in with her because she is bored. She is in an independent living facility and is just fine. Her passive aggressive response is to call the police on me for security checks. I have had to replace or repair my door multiple times.
Hopefully you can call the non-emergency line for the police in your area and explain your situation. The police might also have some ideas of what you can do to protect yourself from these situations in the future.
It’s also more than just our parents. I have a downstairs neighbor who is just 6 years my senior and “decided” I should take care of her, even before she became ill. You cannot, as a neighbor lateral yo me, decide I’m in for a life change, merely because you moved in. I hold agency over that.
Had I begun taking care of things for her, she’d have also understood a change in power dynamic. That I would want to visit with her doctor, see medical records, and start making decisions over how much TV, eating and exercise was going on, because she seems like the type to not mitigate her circumstances and, instead, further burden someone else, who actually works for a living, instead of retiring early.
I’ve gathered that a couple of my neighbors feel that, because an older single, black woman with no children lives in the building, that I should be running a free hospital. SURPRISE🎉!
being grateful for your parents taking care of you is plain foolish. Them feeding you, clothing you, and housing you is a parents RESPONSIBILITY as a parent. The bare minimum that they CHOSE to have when having kids. Do you ask for a puppy, feed him, and house then say he should be grateful and owes you? Of course not you chose to get the puppy and it’s responsibilities. You can be grateful towards your parents of course but don’t get brainwashed into thinking you owe them everything for the BARE MINIMUM responsibilities THEY CHOSE when having children. But of course many 3rd world countries don’t think of responsibilities and pop out kids left and right in poverty then explain their kids owe them and should be grateful for what they had that parents are supposed to do as good responsible people in the first place.
1000th % agree!
Many parents shame, guilt trip their children into it....
Notice how the people who gaslight you into taking care of them are ALWAYS women, and men raised by women?
@@Theowlhawk not only parents. Even people who dont know you will say “family is family” and “you wouldnt be here without your parents” or “you owe them your life”
These are all so laughable. They would only apply if they have been supportive, guiding and loving all the way. But if they gave you anxiety, depression and beatings, then you owe them nothing!
In fact, they owe you… for a stolen childhood, a loving home, a warm and caring environment, mental and emotional stability. Unless your parents gave you all these, then they have no right to demand anything from you as an adult-whether you’ve been damaged or come out a stronger person.
@all This is exactly what I'm going through. Crazy I find this video and can relate to so many! You are so right I was guilted by my mom to hate my Dad for cheating on her and having her on this pedestal for feeding me frozen/canned food and keeping clothes on my back when much of that was provided by my grandmother and step-father. Now I'm older with a son of my own. Looking at the whole picture my mom slept in and started work late so she got home late. She was mostly absent or completely abandoned me with my dad for some of my childhood when my dad always visited me. For years my mom never visited. Now she is 75 years old, with dementia on 2 antidepressants and she's this weird old, cold, void person who is chasing younger men. She plasters on gallons of make up and has people tell her she looks young for her age but with out the make-up she looks exactly like my grandmother before she passed at 72. Can anyone offer advice? I pay my moms bills and everything is expensive. I take care of all this yard work for her, pay her a couple grand a month and clean her house... and none of it is appreciated at all. It's just so weird. I'm her indentured servant and she acts like a 13 year old boy crazy terrible teen. What do I do can anyone help?
Yes I did not ask to be born!
I do want to point out that not caring for an elderly parent doesn't always have to do with a fraught family history but logistics and temperament . Maybe the adult child lives far away , cant afford to take a lot of time off work and just doesn't do well juggling a lot of responsibilities or have the temperament for caregiving . All relevant reasons !
Its true that not all people are weak.
There are a lot of strong old people who are stronger then many YOUNG ones.
I am spending a few weeks at my father's and your video is spot on. He is 80 and has narcissistic personality. I put aside my resentment and want to help him. Indeed, I see him sleeping a lot, spending most day laying. His apartment is full of stuff he hoards, and I try to clean up but it is hard to throw it away. Despite the mean hurtful words, when I don't meet his needs (giving him all my attention and day), I can see he is not doing well and don't know how to help.
This is my exact situation my mother is 63. We just took her out the nursing home on Friday. She's a narcissist as well and I live with her and my father. She has the whole apartment hoarded up. But yet I am the only sibling here helping her. 😔 it's so hadd
I am sorry Ginette. It is hard. I stayed with him 2 weeks and I oscillated between frustration and anger and feeling pity and sorry for him. I cleaned up a bit but he wouldn't let me throw away many useless things that would make his place more spacious and clean. I started to see his grandiosity as a delusion and feel pity instead of judging. NPD are damaged people and it's more visible when they age and become vulnerable. Still hard to set boundaries with them as they easily rage and don't see our needs as legit.
I relate so much. My mom is 61 and extremely narcissistic. She never took good care of herself and can not do daily tasks independently refuses to go back to a nursing home. Her apartment is so hoarded up. It stinks because she can barely get up to go to the bathroom most times. She can’t clean do laundry drive or even go to her mailbox. She wears diapers and still soils her clothes. Today I went over to drop off groceries and she had Amazon packages everywhere( like she needs more useless stuff?) But can’t manage to order groceries online because poor service on her phone 🤨 . I’m a mom of 4 and due to have baby #5 in two months. She’s driving me absolutely insane . And if I dare tell her it’s too much responsibility for me she cries and does a pity me speech.
This is nearly exactly what we are going through with my partner’s 80 yr old father. He is extremely healthy but moved in with us at the start of COVID due to having a cancer removing surgery and radiation. He is in bed all day save for the two times a day he walks his dogs that he inherited from his wife who passed 8 years ago. They are absolutely awful (tiny elderly dogs that bark nonstop, get aggressive and pee anytime they are let out of his room when he wants a change of scenery). He’s cranky constantly. I am his soul sounding board to complain about my partner and his adult son who also lives with us (whole other nightmare of a story). It’s so not where I saw my life at 45 yrs old. I’m too young to be taking care of this man who doesn’t even really appreciate it but my partner has so much resentment towards his for his abusive behavior when he was growing up. It’s not even his bio father. Yet here we are.
Forgot to add about the attention needs all throughout the day. I just recently got laid off from a 10 year job where I finally went back to the office 4 out of 5 days. At first it was tough but it was the only thing I looked forward to to get out of this house and away from everything- especially his father who complains nonstop to me. It’s like there’s a magnetic pull the second i walk into my kitchen- he can’t even hear unless he has his new hearing aid in (that we just paid 6k for- and is hardly ever used) yet the second I am in there, he comes shuffling in to unleash every ounce of anger and frustration he has built up. No one (out of 3 others who live here) talks to him or even remotely pays a lick of attention so I feel obligated to check on him, be his sounding board, take him outside. It’s an awful existence especially given that I don’t even like my own partner most days. (Funny but not at all bc I’m so serious). I can’t leave especially now that I’m unemployed and it feels like I’m quickly declining just by having to be in this horrible situation. Anyway, so happy j found this channel and video this very early morning. It’s the first I’ve watched that sums up where I am also at in my 40’s no less!
Thank you so much for this video. I care for my over 90 year old granny doing everything I can to keep her in her home. Some days I feel bad and this video helped thank you.
We live in a selfish society.
Wow. So completely void of duty or honor. This disfunction appears to be a sign of a falling society dependent on the state because the family unit has crumbled. We should take note of other cultures and how families care for each other and live together.
Children should never be forced tp take care of thier parents. If they are able tp and chose to that's a different story.
My mother spends most of her retired days in bed and its killing her health.
Also,i understand people who had a difficult relationship with their parents.
Not everyone loves their parents because they never received any love from them.
If my father hadn't taken out fraudulent loans in my name and wrecked my credit before I reached the age of 18, I might have the means to pay for his elder care. I will do my best, but he robbed me, so expecting me to pay for his care now is a bit of a stretch.
I am a parent of 4 adult children, I adore my kids, give to and help them when I can.. I was born with a crippling disease in the MD family called CMT1A. It affects my nerves and muscles similar to MS.
I am out debt, insured, have a mortgage free home. I have become more disabled, use a walker inside and a power chair outside. My home is rural.
I can't go places alone.
I can't mow the yard.
I don't want to be a burden but I need help the state won't provide because I can bathe, dress myself, etc.
My insurance won't cover a nursing home and my children can't afford it and I'm really not bad off enough to be in a nursing home.
Interesting how this lady is talking like she understands how it is to be the elderly person yet she isn't the elderly person.
why did you have had 4 kids with a cripling disease??????
You definitely deserve help from your children
Maybe not every case but the children should take care of the parents. One good reason is your kids see how you treat your parents and your kids will treat you the same way.
This video addresses the “not every case”. A successful caregiving arrangement is one in which there is mutual respect, and a high degree of cooperation on the part of the care recipient; that tends to not be the case for elderly Cluster B parents. For adult children of personality-disordered parents, providing care for one’s abuser does not come naturally, and may not be possible.
Is that an excuse. Am Jamaican and a np in America. I took care of my father from 21-35, working two jobs, yes I put my needs aside because that’s how I was raised. Most filipinos, Jamaicans, Africans, just to name a few care for their elderly parents at home. It’s a family affair. Your parents cared for you as a child. It is now their time that they need you so you need to make sure that you are there for them 100%. My mother and I do not have a great relationship but she’s the only mother I have and I love her and if anything was to happen to her, I would drop everything and I would go and I will take care of her that’s just what you do. And furthermore in Jamaica, we don’t have no nursing homes because family is who takes care of family, your life is not too important and too precious for you to care for your family. But then I am an outsider looking in maybe if I was born in America and raised in America maybe I would have the same perspective. This is just an opinion and that’s just how I feel. Thank you.
It’s your life , but look at this it’s just too selfish to use your children as caretakers , you can still take care of them but at the same time place them for home for aged . So you can balance your life , would you use your own children to be your slave of CNA?
on a different note, your life is as precious as your parents. Meaning you do not have an obligation to sacrifice years of happiness for them. A definite no
@@hicrhodushicsalta4382 Thanks for replying. I respect your thoughts.
@@hicrhodushicsalta4382 thank for the reply. I respect your views
@@njrom2975 Thanks for replying. It’s just a different upbringing. I was raised that you take care of your parents as they took care of you. Thanks for your thoughts.
That is a one on one case! Sometimes we stop our lives for years to help aging parents, and go bankrupt! Lost business, and fall fully into indebtedness. Yes, we are supposed to help our parents BUT IT CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL STRESSFUL CRAZY 😫 COMMITMENT, AND NARCIST PARENTS DO NOT CHANGE JUST BECAUSE THEY GET SICK OR OLD IN FACT THEY CAN GET EVEN WORSE! MORE ACCUSSING, MORE DEMANDING AND BY THE WAY, NOT MATTER WHAT YOU DO FOR THEM, IS NEVER ENOUGH. THEY STILL CAN BE VERY MEANT TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE HELPING THEM. THEY MAY COMPARE YOU WITH
"better" people 😤 and they may feel very entitled to your time and resources. And in the end they will still try to diminish you and destroy you in the process. I think everyone should plan for their elderly years without the help of thier children, because when we get old we don't need children, sorry to say, what we really need is money so we can pay for our medical care and services without bothering anyone. Not even our children, as much as it is good to help our elderly parents, WE PARENTS SHOULD NOT BECOME A BURDEN FOR OUR CHILDREN. To me helping aging parents is an honor and absolute a very costly blessing! Everything in this life has a price! Especially love! And if you don't believe me, ask Jesus. .loving us,.it did cost him his life. Real love has a very expensive price tag. Yes I will do it again, but only this time I will pay somebody to do it for me so I know better.
Honor your parents! For your own sake, but for your own good, so that when is over and done, YOU HAVE PEACE IN YOUR HEART KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE DONE GOD'S WORK TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITIES. AMEN AND GOD BLESS
You express what I've heard from many children of aging parents. It can be an amazing gift to care for a parent but it takes a toll of energy and time that can cause a person to sacrifice in other areas of life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and taking the time to comment.
I don't know what to believe in anymore. I'm exhausted. My mom changed alot since she turned 60 and it has been a roller-coaster for me. I've been doing my part and help in what I was able too even helping by sending money as much as I could. Ever since I stopped sending money I am now a bad daughter and Satan's child. My dad says that we are obligated by the laws of God to take care of them at all times and with money too. I am so traumatized already and don't know what to do. I was told that when a person dies young it's because they were not good children to their parents and God is going to take you out. I don't know what to do and I'm just so tired of it 😔.
How can they say something Ike that? I will never understand. I've never been a bad daughter 😢
@@jazminvazquezgalindez938 Dont believe that That's called gaslighting God understands its hard
Exactly that's why I say you have no obligation to take care of your parents as they get older just cos they took care of you as a child. A child's destiny is to grow up and reproduce. An elderly person has lived their life and done their duty and are no longer needed so their destiny is to die so let them
@@jazminvazquezgalindez938 don’t send money. Take them in and rent out their old home and use the monthly rent to help pay for their care and health care expenses.
Can you help with how to care for elderly narcissistic parents. I believe that we should honor our parents and do the right thing and take care of them but I want to make sure I'm doing it right and that I am handling it in a proper manner and honoring God as well as my parents. I gone through a lot of stress taking care of my parent but at the same time my parent also has good traits but when we get together and stay for a while then that's when it becomes very stressful between us. So stressful that I was overwhelmed and would cry. However, I'm very forgiving and I always talk to my parent with much love as we live long distance and we have a good relationship when we talk on the phone and my parent tends to be supportive and so in some ways we are close but I do get worried about the time will come when I have to be there consistently and I've taken care of my parent before and I went to a lot of stress and I had no help from my siblings. My siblings have never cared for her when it came to surgery or doctor's appointments or going to get groceries and just everything everything that a person needs to survive. They helped her financially and take her to dinner and although they've gone through some things with our parent at the same time caregiving is probably the hardest thing compared to that.
Thank you so much for all you do and may God bless you
In my country you are legally responsible for older parents, you would have to prove they have done something really bad to you (s*xual abuse for example, mental abuse isn't enough) in order to be allowed not to care for them.
Right, I think it really depends on where you are from, In my mom's culture, (Vietnamese) they don't believe in putting your parents in a nursing home so right now I'm her caregiver and it's not easy but I'm making the best out of it. I don't even think I could put her in one but everyone's situation is different. Although I do feel so overwhelmed at times because she has narcissistic tendencies lol
Thank you so much, for providing some sanity in what is truly insanity.
I take care of a bedridden husband for the last 5 years.he had 2 surgery s.he is starting to walk again.lots of hard work and exercises.i have a broken back in 2 places. A female problem.need eye surgery.and im lame in my right foot.i run a ranch with livestock.im seeing a dr. For myself next month.to fix a few things.we have a daughter who lives a hour away.no help from her att all. I will tell her whats going on with her dad.when i get real sick.im not telling her anything.i will try to take care of myself till the end.she comes up for the holidays and expects me to cook for all of us.which i do.❤
Its really difficult when a parent is elderly and needs a care giver.. At our elder law firm in Arkansas we often have to help families prepare the legal documents to get assisted living care or to do their estate planning. Great job on this video. Would be great to collaborate.
It will be a cold day in Hell before I look after the narcissist(Dad) for even an hour, if that!
You spent years with seniors and fully understand their needs, behaviour and solutions, no doubt
Yr suggestions here r conclusion of yr experience and the best way to serve humanity
i feel obligated to take care of my mother because she suffers from mental illness and she has advanced copd. i lost my uncle to cancer this year and now im paranoid im going to lose her too. i never have a moment's peace. i constantly call her to make sure she's still alive. i can't live like this. i don't know what to do anymore.
Me too! So overwhelmed. It’s never enough with my mother
In this past 6 months I had cold twice, thought i had a heart attack false alarm and now I'm suffering from stomach bug the worst illness I experienced recently. My ungrateful, pain in the neck parents are the most selfish and they were never loving or supportive towards me mum especially was and is abusive. So I dont know how I ended up in this situation. As I kid my tooth was extracted and the wound was not healing had blood in my mouth and my pillow had stains not once she asked me let me see your mouth. Her friend saw it she told my mum off and took me to the dentist where they had to stitch the gum... And now I take her to dentist and I'm going to be honest I hate doing this. I can't stand them, don't want to hear their voices or see their faces. Once I'm recovered from this awful illness I'm going to have a honest chat with them. Tell them exactly how I feel about them. This is way too ridiculous not to treat your child right then expect them to take care of you? Nope is not gonna happen
How are you today. I have a very similar situation in my life. I don't think is my obligation to take care of my mum if when I was a child she didn't take care of me and gave me to the neighbours to do it. She is now 83 y old still ok but I am not happy thinking she expects me to be responsible for her after being a horrible mum to me my intire life
@@conexaolondresbrasil Hi, thank you that horrible illness lasted for 5 weeks and my dad was taken to emergency 5mins later he had a cardiac arrest and was transferred to another hospital. My relatives was ringing me giving me updates and asking me to come to the hospital they well knew I was suffering and very ill. At the end I said OK I had enough of explaining myself. I stayed overnight. My brother was on holiday and he decided to come back. After him arriving I had full 10 days rest at home. I can't even describe the feeling of relief. Finally I can rest. My body was too tired to fight off this virus. And I had thought of many things but the most important thing was I'm too tired of this negative thoughts. I didn't want to live this way.
Once I had my rest I had an open conversation with both parents. Mum shouted at me and started crying. Dad was OK I guess, as he had his operation I was not that harsh. Both got the message I guess or they pretend 😉anyway future will show.
Now my mindset is just to treat them as old couple who needs help.
To be honest they shouldn't ask anything of us but they will as they have nobody. So I'm guessing your mum will too if she has the money and wants to go to retirement home let her do that. Unfortunately my parents don't. I wouldn't even think twice.
As someone who does not have a personality disorder, it is very unpleasant to be in that situation when a narcissistic parent has isolated their own child from the family, then turns around and expects the adult child to be there. It reignites the trauma because the need is less than genuine as I have learned to see through the manipulation. It's merely a loss of power and control over their own lives and the circle in which they belonged. They will then attempt to gain power and control over whomever they feel is vulnerable going back to the child that was the scapegoat. It is horrifying!
What goes around comes around. Parents will spend Hundreds of thousands even Millions giving the Son's and Daughters a better life. This is Happening in Western society. Parents end up in old age homes.
Unfortunately not everyone can relate to that.
Our ancestors had it much easier when it comes to the dilemma of what to do with elderly parents. most people died by 50. they were the lucky ones.
My mom is in her 50s and I’m still underage, so is not convenient if she passes 💀.
I’m 56 and I’m doing great!
🤣🤣
Yes don't know why old people are living longer than before
- it will be difficult for you if she survived till 100
If you're in your parents will and they are leaving you, all of their money, do you want less by paying an expensive nursing home. Your inheritance $$$ could be 0
Or take care of them to save your inheritance $$$
FAMILY COMES FIRST
Well gee thanks Doc. My kids don't want me and assisted living is above my touch even with Veterans Aid and Attendance. There very literally is nothing for rent in my area. What am I supposed to do? Live in my car at 80? In a cold climate? I live with my daughter for now and while I can hear her footsteps she doesn't come down for a week at a time. I'm very reluctant to go upstairs as I don't want bother either she or her husband. I took care of my grandmother, my aunt and husband of 50 years before they died. I have no brothers or sisters. Now when my daughter comes downstairs it's when she wants something or she may hang out for 10 min. I have heart failure but have managed it for some 15 years now, quite successfully. It's harder getting up the stairs but I can do it. I feed myself, order groceries delivered but have to hire someone to take up the garbage or laundry. Oh, and I take care of her very sick cat that's dying of cancer. But I'm sure many here will call me a narcissist and "toxic".
No, not narcissistic. Bitter, maybe, although you ARE living with your daughter and husband-- but just because you took care of your elderly family members doesn't mean that anyone owes you. You obviously resent taking care of the poor sick cat, and have a martyr mentality instead of one of gratitude.
If you can't afford to live on your own, SOMEONE has to help with costs. Your daughter and husband have an income and a home to provide, but making sure they DO have those things takes work and effort. Them living their own lives while providing that, even if your daughter only hangs out with you for "ten minutes" or when she "wants something" doesn't lessen that and doesn't make her selfish.
They opened their home to you while still trying to have their own lives. Maybe you should try making friends or doing activities in your age group. Be proactive in your own life instead of complaining about your circumstances. It's up to you to make your existence a satisfying experience, no matter what your age is-- it's not up to anyone else.
@@scooterpatooter9484 Yes, something isn’t right there. Maybe mother and daughter had a bad relationship, nevertheless,the daughter provides a roof over mom’s head, but doesn’t want a chat to go on long enough to turn into a fight. There are other kid(s) who “don’t want” her…why is that? Adult children may or may not have the means to help, but they would do their best…for loving parents.
So why does your daughter not like being around you? If you're gonna give us all that info maybe tell us what you did to make her not want to be around you
Pray to god for your family people.
They are not perfect,like you,and many of them are even MORE imperfect then you can tolerate.
We are all born into this world without having ANY CHOICE about what kind of PEOPLE we want to be.
Im sure that if people had the freedom to choose how they want to be,many would choose to be DECENT and GREAT people.
Also,im sure, that many would choose never to be BORN on this planet either.
I 100% disagree with your title in my husband’s situation. His mother is a narcissist, and very passive aggressive. She tries to make her sons her husband, and insists on 100% of his attention. She will even fake a fall , of be incontinent of stool all over the floor so they will have to be helped, or cleaned up after. Then she tells everyone what a good son she has for cleaning up after her. For the past at least five years she’s been sending all of her money to scammers, and has been repeatedly shown they aren’t who they say they are. She has a pretty good retirement income, but instead of taking care of herself she sends it to Nigerian men she’s never met!
It’s also important to note that advice such as this is given from a Westernized perspective and that those teachings are often benefit those who are WEIRD. (Westernized, educated, industrialized, rich and Democratic)
While the question seems to be a no-brainer for those with troubled childhoods, I think the answer could hold more nuance for those who had great childhoods and live their parents.
The attitude that I see from many people is that putting their parents in a home is not necessarily because of life circumstances but as a form of punishment and revenge.
A nursing home is too good for some of these” parents”…
You're right.
Sounds like professional advice
Great vid! Thank you for spreading the wisdom!
I have personal and some professional experience with the elder population, and found everything you said very much so 🙏🏽🤗⏳✨
Had it up here trying to keep my elderly abusivr father company. It's just not worth my sanity anymore to try to show love towards someone who has never been a decent man.
I would NEVER NOT care for my parents “honor thy Father and Mother “ My Mom is EXTREMELY difficult but I do my best. Other societies don’t dump their old people in nursing homes and neglect them.
How much are you willing to sacrifice for your mother? For instance, would you sacrifice your relationship with your children or neglect them for years to care for your mother? How about your financial well being and going bankrupt for your mother? How about your own health? Would you allow your mother to go as far as murder you?
"Extremely difficult" is pretty vague. If she was actively trying to destroy you would you just accept it? Your comment has me considering the words codependency and enmeshment. Perhaps your mother isn't quite as difficult as mine who never fails to reminds me how much she hates me. I wouldn't put attempted murder past her, tbh.
You can take care but not too much ! You did not ask to be born , so it’s ok to at least have your own time , don’t break your back because of them , it won’t bring you to heaven , you can use assisted living or senior home and you h can visit
I hear you. But an elderly patient has dementia and it's getting disruptive.
Cluster B types can make it impossible for their children to take care of them. A successful caregiving situation requires that the recipient is highly cooperative, and that is not a Cluster B feature, to put it mildly.
@@njrom2975well actually you did want to be born because you were the fastest swimmer. 😊
As long as the adult children are glad that they have no inheritance left because the parents have spent it all on home care or care in a long term care facility. Oh and maybe there won’t be enough left to cover the funeral and burial or cremation costs depending on the income of the parents. What have we done as parents that our children feel no concern for how we spend our last decade? So sad that we gave up vacations and remortgaged our homes to pay for their university educations and now are being told not to expect any help from our now educated with good jobs adult children! Seriously????
Home care cost thousands a month. Any inheritance will be gone quickly. Once the money is gone, Medicaid kicks in and care is minimal at best.
Reposted a reply to the main comments for obvious reasons... (desperation): @all This is exactly what I'm going through. Crazy I find this video and can relate to so many! You are so right I was guilted by my mom to hate my Dad for cheating on her and having her on this pedestal for feeding me frozen/canned food and keeping clothes on my back when much of that was provided by my grandmother and step-father. Now I'm older with a son of my own. Looking at the whole picture my mom slept in and started work late so she got home late. She was mostly absent or completely abandoned me with my dad for some of my childhood when my dad always visited me. For years my mom never visited. Now she is 75 years old, with dementia on 2 antidepressants and she's this weird old, cold, void person who is chasing younger men. She plasters on gallons of make up and has people tell her she looks young for her age but with out the make-up she looks exactly like my grandmother before she passed at 72. Can anyone offer advice? I pay my moms bills and everything is expensive. I take care of all this yard work for her, pay her a couple grand a month and clean her house... and none of it is appreciated at all. It's just so weird. I'm her indentured servant and she acts like a 13 year old boy crazy terrible teen. What do I do can anyone help?
I'm reading your message 1 year later. How's the situation now?
Elderly I strongly encourage you to maintain your Independence and exclude any toxic control freak or relative who would just love your estate even if it means putting you in a nursing home to get it sooner. Legally exclude them and depending on how toxic they are do not put them on your will. Make yourself a small Target. Do not have toxic helpers around you either. Kids do not have a responsibility if you make legal documents to completely exclude them and get an alternative that actually cares about you and is genuine.
My elderly mother does sleep A LOT. I don't know if it's related to her Alzheimers meds (I don't think so, but I have no idea.) She typically is only up about 8 hours a day.
Poor mommy in her chair, body gave out on her.
Reminder to parents, you aren't obligated to give your will to your children. Give them nothing. When you give your house to them, they will kick you out from the same house.
I see family values are alive and well here
A channel I watch used your audio in a spoof video. I was immediately intrigued so I looked at the dx and saw the link to this video. It’s exactly what my partner (and myself as a result) is enduring. My FIL moved in with us unexpectedly in March 2020 due to having his ear removed related to melanoma. He healed amazingly well but wasn’t able to be alone for the first few months bc of radiation post surgery. Anyway, he was a severely abusive alcoholic who beat my partner (55M) for his entire youth and then some. Trouble is, he will speak about everyone else drinking and acting a fool except himself. He’s also extremely crabby and spends 99% of his day in and out of the kitchen which is the only place I love to be in this house so it has affected my freedom in a way although I don’t let it affect me other than being very annoyed when I have to drop everything to have a 20 min conversation about the consistency of his dogs feces every single day (it’s literally an obsessive conversation with him). I am so happy to have found a video about this and will absolutely be watching more.
It's their fault because they don't have a retirement plan.
I live in SE Asia and it is unthinkable to a family to put their parents in a home or not care for them. They consider it an honor not a chore. For them it is unthinkable to say ‘No’, lets go the whole hog in the west and if your 10 yr old has MS and is a challenge to take care of lets just turf them into state care, hell get them adopted. Many ‘Geriatrics’ by definition of the term are not themselves either physically, mentally or both. If you think taking care of your Mum or Dad is ruining your life or too much work you are a selfish sob that should have been put i to foster care at birth.
Interesting… you had great parents, if this was the case for everyone though videos like this won’t exist.
@@YuBerrie Thanks. my parents were not perfect but gave up their lives for me. Cleaned my shitty nappies, cared for me when i was sick, comforted when needed and tried to make sure i got the best education, which gave me a good start in life. I realize that some people have had bastard parents snd there is zero love. But for me the really elderly simply revert to being kids, and how could i not take care of them in return for what they did for me. To be honest there are many many selfish posts on here and I dont really get it. In SE Asia families LOVE IT if their parents live with them. We have my 85 yr old Mother in law live with us. No real trouble and she can cook better than any Master Chef! We have a truly happy family and the kids adore Grandma.
@@YuBerrie
We southeast asians also don't have a perfect family all the time. That's a fantasy, not an excuse to not throw them out from their own house that we got from their will.
Well said! God bless you!
Exactly. My parents are from South America, I was born in the United States. I could never imagine putting my parents away in a home. They will come live with me, my wife and kid. My wife is also from South America and agrees.
It’s sad that people fail to realize life is a cycle 🔁 you will get old 2👀👀🕊🕊🕊
Thanks for this. I only today learned the job title Geriatrician. My mom had a small stroke, and is in hospital, and i find the doctor unable to counsel me on what's happening to my mom overall. She's 79, and she's changing. Is it possible for adult children of the elderly to sit down with a geriatrician to get some info on just what does happen when people get old? Like, as for dementia, they don't want to diagnose it early at the hospital, Dr said, it's something where the elderly patient is brought in already quite advanced for this diagnosis. otherwise it causes offense. But if that's the reason for my mom's odd behaviour these past few years, I want to know. It would soften offences laid upon me by her. It seems like there's a lot I don't know about getting old. I have subscribed to learn more, from your channel.
If you get this message, please watch my recent upload on religiosity, aging and the brain. I could really use some input.
You I’m afraid are on your own. When my mom had massive stroke, a Dr handed my a notebook called Stroke, Everything You Want to Know. That’s when I knew my mom had a stroke. Only then. The Dr. Walked away as I tried to digest the title of the Binder. No questions, no answers. She lasted ten days, paralyzed. I now know my mom had many mini strokes as she tried to explain her puzzling symptoms. Elder care is one of the most tricky. Educate, read, listen, ask and watch. Do all these small but vital things to catch ANY sign of illness in your parents. If they mention it, they’ve probably been experiencing it for some time. My parents, I know, didn’t want to bother their busy kids. But it would have saved the horror of finding my dad collapsed on his bathroom floor, never to recover.
This is where I am at. Mine moved with me after a massive stroke. Her offenses piss me off and I want to say it is just stroke brain coupled with being elderly, but she acts perfect with staff that comes in for rehab and then goes back to being nasty once they are gone to me, the one that cares and provides for her.
@@KA-ho7wt That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. When I moved here where I am now, a year ago, I had only just decided not to buy a home that had room for her in it. Previous to that point I was looking for a place that could house both of us. I'm glad I decided not to go that route. I have a friend who was in a similar situation with his father, a very curmudgeonly stubborn, angry old fart. My friend finally got his dad into a home but they have to pay an extortionate amount for it.
I'm going through this Exact thing. My mom has not had a stroke but is 75 and clearly has dementia. She even admits it at times but then still wants to say she's in great shape and looks young for her age. She looks exactly like my grandma now who died at 72. My grandfather had dementia and my mom has been crazy desperate for younger men recently. Its gotten weird 😕. I don't know what to do. I have a 2 year old and pay my moms bills. She's on anti depressants that also cause dementia in patients her age. I'd like to contact her doctor.
Now I know not to get a Geriatric MD.☠️
It’s not a myth. Children should care for their parents if parents care for them. Honor your mother & your father. 5th Commandment.
I am Disgusted to learn that 30 states have Laws (on the books) which require people to take care of their elderly parents!! Thank God the state in which I live in (Illinois) is Not one of those states!!! >-(
I live In Arizona and we also are not required to take care financially of family.
@@carolblair2845 .... well even worse is when they force you to take them in to your domicile ....
I am so grateful for my mother who rarely asks for anything. My father died 13 years ago, and she’s cared for herself, and her home ever since. She is about a year older than my mother in law who is a nightmare! She sends all her money to scammers, and is so vial, and nasty that not even nursing homes want her. She could afford a small place, with a live in caregiver if she’d stop sending $$ to scammers. Of course most people wouldn’t want to take care of her because she’s such a horrible person.
Parents should send their children to orphanages. An orphanage is a bare minimum, just like a nursing home is. Why should you be expected to devote your entire life raising your children with privileges and give away the property you worked for to them when you will be kicked away from the house by them when you're old anyway?
Children don't chose to be born. Parents should have put a con*dom, if they didn't want to be burdened.
Only help your direct relatives, don´t work in custodial care.
Narcissistic age of parents will ensure to destroy anyone'a life.
We were narcissistic when we were teenagers and did anything that made our parents devote themselves, sacrificing their personal life. When you age, you mentally age backwards as a kid.
I was definitely not narcissistic as a teenager. I was empathic and suffering from lack of self identity simply because my dad was/is a narcissist. I was suicidal from age 20 to age 30. That is the opposite of narcissism. That is being a victim of a narcissist.
On point!
Well, my parents never took care of their parents 😅. And mine are at our house ( first my brother the other brother then my sister the other sister now me) since the age of 50 spending their money on casinos and saying they are doing everything alone that nobody helps them 🤔. They are now 65. Did we do it wrong. and I left the house when I was 15.
Wow, those mean mugging older folks really hit the nail on the head😂
This video and the comments that I have read on here are some of most sorriest things I have ever heard in my life. I am so glad that my mom and dad raised me better. They provided for me, went above and beyond. Made sure I never did without. Raised me in church, taught me to love the Lord and honor his commandments. To those of you who don't think it's right for us to take care of our parents when they can't do it themselves and they provided for you, you all will have a serious payday.
The comments you don’t like are from people who didn’t have your kind of upbringing. You have zero room to judge them.
@@dcg590
Never take your parents property if you aren't satisfied even after what they did for you.
Better to live alone not with children just with my 2 cats😊
I will leave my parents in 3 if my siblings don't help
Do you think parents should give up on their narcissistic or troubled child
This should not be a question
The people who say you shouldn't be grateful because they're "supposed to do that".
Let me ask you this. When a doctor helps cure someone from a horrible disease/condition etc, why do people thank them and sometimes go out of their way to make it up to the doctor somehow?
They're supposed to do that, no?
It's just a silly argument. That just because someone is supposed to do something, you shouldn't be grateful...lol what?
People thank doctors because it was the people who asked the doctor to give them the service, however, when children are born, children don't ask parents to do certain things. It was the parents choice to bring children in their lives and now they expect their children to do according to what they say as if children are their puppets. Children are separate entities and have their independent minds. When parents say that they did all of this for us and now we owe them something, it looks like they have done us some favour. This kind of attitude doesn't look good
Is this a podcast
Can i have a caregiver Job im 49 still strong
This generation is full of sociopaths who only think of themselves and void of responsibility for their family instead of sticking together as they should.
It’s your responsibility to take care of your parents in their final days just as they took care of you when you were infants; they could have just as easily abandoned you at an orphanage just the same as you think of dropping them off in a nursing facility but their love for you said no and they chose to raise you so why shouldn’t you afford them the same gratitude for all they’ve done for you?
Kids just dont care not more both my parents struggled to be there for us kids they both just wasn't good parents but when they got older I was there for them and these kids are just self absorbed and don't care
He wasn't there for me, I won't be there for him!
Amen to that!
Kids have to pay it forward because they will be in that position eventually. Money did not exist when God create human. We are the currency 😢
I will never ask my children to take care of me. I'll know know when it's time to use the pew pew.
You seem so broken and confused 🤔
The narcissist(Dad) will not see/hear me wait on him(I never did, nor do, or will I) in the future. He'll be a lonely, bitter, old man; his fault.
Why don't you go find something else to do and get off of there
If kids took care of their old parents you would not have a job
Or a spouse or well cared for children
First of all, ignoring old parents is done by cowards and doesn't matter if they have PhD degrees or they hold higher or lower positions in society. When kids were young parents don't leave so mature kids don't leave their old parents or sick parents.
If that were true, foster care wouldn't exist. Some of us were brutally abused and neglected by our parents. I'm of the mind that what you sow is what you reap.
@@MsGenXodus But in response positive steps can be adapted that's why foster homes are around.
Depends on the parents if they deserve help
@@njrom2975 They do. Always.
@@sessi47freed No . Not all . But if they are good to you and raise u well then yes , but if they are terrible and abusive then BIG NO.!
My opinion. Stop being a burden on your kids. Stop taking all those medicines to make you live longer. What with your walkers, baby care. I’m a care taker, and it ruining MY life, when I was done, and get to enjoy my old(er) age. Nope! Another baby. As soon as you can’t, please don’t. I’m not going to. That’s the gift I’m giving my kids, even though the actually like me and want them to live with them.
You should read your Bible and what it says about taking care of your elderly parents. I'm going to venture to say maybe you didn't have loving parents... You should listen to what Joyce Meyer says about taking care of your elderly parents. she was mentally, emotionally, physically sexually abused by her father until she left home at age 18 and her mother knew it... And God told her to take care of her aging parents. so I find what you say very offensive!!! 🙏🙏🙏
Well, not everyone believes in your god. So is not offensive for us.
Wow. 👎🏾
Ya and? That’s called Stockholm syndrome you fool
Most often, this type of scenario of a child being abused and being pushed to still care for their parents, as if they’re cattle or a slave, is an idea pushed by people who, themselves, are a great example of arrested development, who have a strong belief that the purpose of having a child, is to have a mini me, that is indebted to them, for the rest of their lives. I cannot think of anything more unloving and abusive, whatever some book says. Essentially, the child is born into slavery and their parents are their slave masters, who will never release them from bondage, because the intent of their birth was not to do better than the previous generation, but to serve the whims, woes and even to make up for the deficiencies of their parents.
By the way, I even have a neighbor, who’s only about 62 years old (6 years my senior) who doesn’t even know me and before she even had a degradation in her health, expressed that I should be taking care of her. My mother was also alive at the time and she wasn’t aware and probably didn’t care about my other responsibilities and goals, while she sat in front of the TV all day eating, early retired, while I continued to work. Even adopted a dog she wanted me to care for so, I knew she was insane. So, there are a lot of numbskulls who will pile on you, to get their needs met, because they have some believe what they “think” usurps your very life. Actually, it does not and she soon found that out.
@@privateprivate8366 oh you are so in my thoughts as I read your many painful and so so familiar comments. My life was so similar to yours. I feel so badly for US. Yes, us, as I went through so much similar experience. I’m so sorry for your experience. I don’t know you but I do. I really feel for everything you went through. I just can say you are a good a very good and loving person. I know you are. I’m so sad we’ve gone through what we did. I hope I see your response on here. I’d really like to hear from you in the future if you want. I’d love your response.
What goes around comes around
Tomorrow the same kids will be old and powerless.
thanks for participating. 🤍
No. I dont think we're under any obligation to take care of our elderly parents. I certainly dont with mine. Just cos they took care of us when we were kids dont mean we should take care of them when they are old. a childs destiny is to grow up and reproduce themselves. An elderly person has done their duty and lived their lives so their destiny is to die so let them
For me I think we are responsible to take care of our parents since they brought us up since we are babies. We cannot just send them to old age homes. They are our family, they took care of us, they send us to school, they gave us their love just to built a good healthy family.
So yeah I can never imagined not to take care of our parents. Yes i know sometimes they are hard being narcist and so on. But they are still our parents and that narcist attitude happens to most of them due to their age.
But hey this is just my opinion and our tradition
Well I think differently. Just cos our parents took care of us as kids dosent mean we need to take care of them as they get old. A child's destiny is to grow up and reproduce. An elderly person has lived their life and done their duty by raising us and are excess baggage. Their destiny is to die so let's stop interfering with the laws of nature.
@@sexydudeuk2172 I agree I would feel so guilty to do that to my kids They didnt ask to come here
Just for the record its not that easy to get out of taking care of an elderly parent Even though they might have been Mommie or Daddy Dearest The Healthcare Industry will naturally assume that you will do it even at great personal cost They capitalize on Filial love and devotion in order to save the State resources You need to stand firm as there will be a lot of relentless pressure on you to go against that decision They will even go as far as to threaten to bring you up on charges for elder neglect You have to stay firm and strong
Bollocks. An adult takes care of himself. Once you become an adult, nobody else is responsible for you, and nobody else is obligated to sustain you.
Nah. You get what you give. In general, kids don't owe their parents a dime since we didn't ask to be here -- *they* made that decision; *however,* that said, if you're a loving, peaceful, and positive parent, you definitely have a whole helluva greater chance of having deserved care and looking out for by your children. If you're not... 🤷🏾♀️ Be a better human being. As far as we know, we only have this one life. No one has time, literally, to spend/waste it on people who don't deserve it, whether family, "parents," or otherwise.
Be a better human being. ✔