Are INFJs Intense?
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- Опубликовано: 18 июл 2021
- In this video, I discus INFJ intensity. Do other people consider you intense as an INFJ?
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It's frustrating when people's words don't match their actions. I really felt that!
YES!
I find it frustrating as well... But I can't really get upset since in those instances I was eavesdropping
Yes!!!
That is why people suck to the INFJs people are completely contradictory.
It is because we are highly aware of authenticity and when it is not aligning. When I watch politicians for a few minutes I feel upset due to this.
Never been called intense, but commonly find out after-the-fact that people are "intimidated by me".
😅they call me 'strong'🤣😅 but i dont think so
Same here… I still find it quite strange. No matter how friendly and calm natured I am with folks, many times I get the feeling that they feel threatened in my presence. Weird 🤷🏽♀️
i've had enough ppl tell me they can't stand my stare though.
some ppl i know also admitted that they're intimidated by me before they really talk to me. even ones that i really respect also said the same thing. the reasons are varied but it's bit weird to know i can be intimidating..
@@futuristicvibes2643 same here.
Yep. I get the "intimidating" thing too from some new people.
Before I discovered I was INFJ, I thought "everyone" must feel this way..... lol
Obsessive, intense, "don't THINK so much", "can we keep it light?", "just be happy!" NO! I AM obsessive and intense! Don't like me? There's the door!
I'm intense, because I usually haven't expressed anything about my thought process to anyone. I'm coming with fully formed ideas and decisions that no one has heard, and I am adamant about them as I truly believe in them. That puts ppl in a weird place, bc they are processing and ask questions and I get annoyed bc I have already argued with myself and don't want to waste time on something I've already concluded.
🎯
I agree!
Exactly!!
As an intj, I can confirm
That's me 😂
When I need some INFJ conversation I go to Clay's channel. Even though I am not talking , I am always happy to watch these 30 min videos😌
Bouncing Clay's ideas off of your own. Internal conversations...
That's what I am doing now. 😂😂😂
"I like to hear people admit things." Wow. 100%. What is that? Maybe Ti child just needs to know the truth, so it turns to Fe parent: I want the truth! Get the truth for me! Then Fe parent uses its subtlety and creativity to coax the truth out of the other person. Ni hero already knows the truth, but Ti child needs clear evidence to confirm it.
And yet people admitting anything is as rare as hens teeth
@livinginlux: Wow... this is insight. Could it be, however, the "Ti child" having been gaslighted and misdirected previously by those from whom he/she seeks answers, 'INFJ' now feel impelled (or 'compelled' in keeping with your 'child/parent' dynamic) to get something more solid; something that doesn't allow the offender the benefit of plausible deniability? Whereas, an initial, perhaps tacit admission of wrongdoing and apology from said offender would have been adequate, not allowing the infj's empathy to do what it does best: make excuses for people's dysfunctions, is in my view a mistake. But once this "grace period" has been foolishly squandered any hope for an ongoing meaningful relationship requires nothing less than a full confession and sincere apologies will suffice. INFJ does not expect this in any scenario that doesnt involve someone's deathbed, which unless it is their own, they probably won't be present for. They should consider themselves lucky in my books... Were they dealing with say, a psychopath INFJ, these offenders would suffer in ways they couldn't imagine all the while wondering what was happening to them.
Clay, you are correct. Love can mean so many things to so many people. And so many people now have their own morality. It is almost necessary to clarify meanings and definitions.
Thanks
@@melancholiusmonkey-mann5749 Thank you for elaborating on my idea so brilliantly! My Ti child has been injured by gaslighting beyond belief, and an injured Ti child is an angry Ti child who is prone to acting out. And boy does the offender love to dwell in the wiggle room of plausible deniability. But I believe the Fe/Ti combo, at a time and place of Ni's choosing, is capable of pinning that snake down. And you're so right, Fe parent can be pathologically forgiving when given half the chance, but if you piss on my leg and tell me it's raining...
Another element of the dynamic I think is Ni denial, internal and external. It is hard to trust Ni conclusions 100%, especially as they are routinely dismissed by others, and so Ti child is double and triple checking them. What's more, in a broader context, say within a family specifically, nobody else trusts your Ni. When you're bitten by a snake, you can reconstruct the scene of the crime perfectly for them, draw them an elegant mental map and connect all the dots, but in the absence of incontrovertible evidence, family members will deny that a snakebite even happened. Especially when the implications of the snakebite are inconvenient for them personally. Others accept nothing less than a full confession.
@@livinginlux thank you for your kind word. You inspired me to write with a passion.
Cheers!
@@melancholiusmonkey-mann5749 "What is done out of love is beyond good and evil."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
This video came at the perfect time. I recently door slammed a couple of one-sided friendships. I spent several months trying to repair these friendships.
I think our intensity seems more intense because initially we can act as a chameleon and act “normal.” So I can make friends easily, but after a while I want the friendship or relationship to progress and my intensity will be seen as too much.
When I notice a problem in a friendship, I speak up. But I noticed, especially with the friendships I just ended, that people frequently want to sweep issues under the rug and pretend everything is fine. I’ve been told I overthink or take things too personally. I would rather have people be rude and direct about how they feel about me than speak to me in what I call “corporate speak,” sugarcoating what they really mean. I want people to be authentic and my friends weren’t doing that.
Honestly, I have a much easier time not having friends at all. I can wear an extroverted mask and be friendly outside my home but I want closer friendships than what most people are willing to give.
Story of my life! Thank you. =)
It’s a hard balance having friends. I have maybe two people in my life now that appreciates the inquisitive side of me. They’re not easy to find though.
@@ClayArnall Is it common to be all or nothing in friendships for INFJs? I have a hard time accepting casual friendships past a certain point. Obviously friendships have to start somewhere, but if I don’t feel close to someone after a while what’s the point?
Be careful when making friends, most will just be 1 sided, they won't admit wrong doing, but will be the first to correct you and think of themselves are superior in every possible way; stay away from them, nothing to do there. Others won't open and just be shallow, there's nothing there really neither. When they say you overthink, means you think 🤔 and observe 🧐 what's fair, good and want 5obopen to share more, they're just shallow and never go that far, probably because not convenience of some sort, that you don't have, generally money and power or some other resource; stay away from them. People that like you will want to talk to you, is that simple.
But you also have to consider the other side too: sometimes people aren't in the mood for what we want/need, for a number of reasons, but if they value you they'll show it, but clearly some people are just too difficult so some friendships are simply not possible. So my advice: just enjoy what you can sincerely and authentically with whomever wants to be your friend, the same way, and go with the flow, is best with both sides, and somewhere there, will be a way, if and only if there is a will on the other side, since you clearly are putting your part in the friendship
I relate to this in another level omg
It’s so satisfying to hear another INFJ articulate what I experience. Thanks Clay
I've always thought that the INFJ is a sort of "human engineer".
People mechanic is what I thought. Human engineer is also interesting.
Human millwright!
@@jessenceq3250 And maybe thts y i did major in mechanical engineering and a distant degree in psychology
“Most people don’t need closure” / so true and is often a point of frustration for me. For INFJs we are closure oriented and also rarer so that may help explain why our approach isn’t shared by most.
The blue room is gorgeous.
That teal chair!
As an INFJ, looking back on my childhood photos my face was always so intense! I was the most intense looking kid in the room lmao
I totally agree and understand you! It's difficult trying to explain to my fiancé that I'm not interrogating him... I'm just trying to understand him. Can be extremely frustrating.
Yes, trying to understand the people you care about. That’s all
I'm an INTP. INFJ's are my favorite people to bounce theories/ideas/concepts off of, and I enjoy it when they open up about whatever they're analyzing & let me contribute to that process.
I just realized something, reading through some of the comments on fellow INFJs being told to “keep it light” or to “not take things so seriously”... I have received more of those same comments here in the States versus where I’d grown up (Russia), and, while I still felt like I don’t fit in socially in some ways even in Russia, not many people would tell me that I go too deep with my thoughts/ideas over there, because in the Russian culture that depth is not something people feel uncomfortable with. If anything, people seem to strive for that - going deeper in your relationships, thoughts, perception of the world (of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but in general, Russians hate small talk, value quality over quantity in relationships, can go very deep in their conversations with you, and don’t tolerate anything that is not genuine). Hence, being an introvert there is not that much of a challenge, generally-speaking. So the intensity we possess (as INFJs) becomes more of a problem in the Western cultures. Maybe even more so in the American culture. These are just my observations, but I have definitely almost never heard “you are too intense/deep” comment directed toward me in Russia...
Yeah my mum is Dutch and I've visited The Netherlands & a lot of Europe, too. They're so much more open and willing to discuss anything and everything but Australians, generally, aren't that curious and are happy to just go with the flow and go with the general consensus.
I don't know about the rest of you but other languages is almost impossible for me
@@shynicorn3193 I am actually good with understanding accents and other cultures
I notice a British influence the most difficult to know
Aha. So THAT is where all the INFJs live. We should take a group trip to meet all of them.
Wow man your making me wish i never lived a day in the west
I've always had this issue in my relationships too, and I've come to believe for various reasons some people have an irrational fear of getting to the bottom of something. For one because they're afraid of the truth they'll find-as if it's a dead body at the bottom of a well. Because then they are responsible for it, what they've learned, which is something we INFJs tend to embrace because it gives us more data, and we don't mind staying at the bottom of the well a while, sifting through it. (Whoops... wasn't trying to be macabre here)
What they find there may challenge their perceptions on something they intensely cherish, like their life's work, philosophy or even just their comfort.
We have dumbed ourselves down in my opinion. I fully accept myself. The good ... bad and the ugly. I'm not really sure if others think I'm intense because I normally don't talk to very many people about my deep stuff. Tried it got picked on so I stopped.
I've recently decided to intentionally tone down my intensity, most specifically at work. Needing to understand underlying motivations and identifying patterns in behavior has made others feel like I'm being intrusive and far too personal for most relationships, especially ones at work. I've often felt like any time I contribute to conversations or even participate in the social dynamic of a group, I end up derailing things into a really personal territory. Others will then lash out at me for making them feel vulnerable, even if at first they were interested in my observations or opinions. Seeing lies or manipulation or coping strategies when others can't makes it difficult-- I see that as something very personal, but others don't. So at work when I bring attention to it, it's like I'm being overtly personal and cruel. And the backlash can get... Pretty weird if we're honest. With close relationships I can be myself, but I've learned the hard way that many people see my default mode as inherently intrusive so I need to compensate for it in areas like my professional life. To help keep this up 40 hours a week, I've funneled my curiousity and dot connecting into creative projects involving history research. At least dead people don't get upset when I intrude on them ;) Anyway, so many of your videos have been extremely helpful to me and this one was quite timely. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
I’ve tried to tone it down, but the shallow conversational approach of just saying to them “oh, wow” “yeah?” “then what did you do?” “Uh huh” and “that’s great” is just so unsatisfying for me. I don’t exist to just be an ear, why do others think that’s an okay role for me? I want a connection. I have emotional needs too -these include the desire to understand what they’re thinking and for me be understood by them too. But it doesn’t even occur to them to ask. Manipulation, illogical thinking, and the like are all a huge turn off to me, and don’t get me started on my ever-present bullshit meter. My last “best friend” used me as a supportive and empathetic crutch during her divorce, then within a year, she had backed away from most contact. I have to conclude I just knew too much for her to be comfortable continuing the friendship. I am a sixty year old who now spends most of my time alone, and it’s okay, the shallow relationships just aren’t worth it. Thank God for my husband, who is a total gem even though he is an extrovert, and for my two sisters. I don’t have the energy to try to find new friends given the probable outcomes, though that makes me sad (and sometimes lonely).
This really resonates with me as an INFJ and an autist. Most people don't understand me and find me intense.
“i like to hear people admit things” YES thats it. i just want something clear and concrete
I'm so eternally grateful for all the infjs that make videos on youtube
Sound like you went through some degree of the word-salad 🥗 tactic by a could be narcissist that didn’t want to get cornered so they redirected the whole conversation to resist getting “exposed”.
I feel you so much on this. But it’s also what I find attractive about my partner. I can dig and dig into him and there are always new things to discover. He is an infp so he has depths that are still unknown to me after all these years. But as he is an infp I feel safe that I won’t ever actually find anything bad in there haha. I feel safe with him in all my intensity.
@@ylvali That's so amazing that you have such a wonderful relationship! Thank you for sharing this with me, it warms my heart. I guess I wrote that comment through a bit of an existential dread like lens, in the sort of horror I feel sometimes at the fact that we are all stuck in our own minds haha. I know there are good people out there, ones who have your best interests at heart, and it sustains my hope for sure.
Very, to put it mildly, IMO; we don't express much, but when we do is like a high power laser, generally is hard to stop and will do some damage at least, like a high powered laser, it can be perfected and domesticated it, but is a everyday exercise, as I see myself at least
Very good explanation. I think I really need to start Journaling to find an outlet. Because I actually regret going on rants a lot of times. But I also can't stop it sometimes.
@@maryjane2965 Thanks 😊 yeah we need to listen more and have shorter concise comments at times
Absolutely. I can take people down with my words. But have learnt to scale it back as it’s too powerful.
@@Anth369 Exactly, and is good to learn to retreat with grace from useless conversations
true!
“Keep it light.” Hahaha!!! Yes!!!!! All the time.
As always, very spot on!
I do hate it when people's actions are contradictory to what they say. I just let go of a 6 year relationship because of this. When I brought up these contradictions, they became defensive and said I was criticizing them.
To know things that others don´t isn´t always fun but information can be protection against evil people who try there best to make you forget the reality.
12:00 Definitely agree with this one! As an INFJ, it's easy to find patterns in someone and make guesses from there until you're sure of the conclusion you've reached about that person. But, even though I've already figured it out, I always like to lead the conversation to the other person admitting what it is I've found out about them.
Your self-awareness and understanding is refreshing.
We have such similar brains it's incredible.
15:40
Interesting cause I as an INFJ I hate being intorragated as well. The "why do you believe that" makes me shut down and resilient. I also realised I get along better with INTJ than fellow INFJs because of that.
Totally agree...they can "handle" me. They are just lacking in the emotions department, and also they are more inclined to be narcissists :/
I shut down too! I've always wondered why I do that. I think the answer is in Ni but I can't really explain it... so mysterious.
As an INFP I find INFJs a little obsessed with how the world might view them. I think the majority of people in general is not very sensitive and has no clue about themselves, and worse, is not interested in finding out. So, as an INFP I can relate to the thought process of an INFJ, but believe that to try to make yourself understood to the world can only be frustrating, as they cannot follow you. It is like trying to speak Japanese to a person who does not understand Japanese. Or try to explain colours to a colour blind. Therefore do not take it personally but rather pity them if they do not understand. On the other hand who is there to judge? Who will be happier? You can only argue with people on the same cloud. And who cares what other people think? Each to each, as long as there is respect. :-)))
Definitely feeling this. It was actually a relatively recent discovery that I realized that I have a tendency to “interview” people in conversation, and in looking back I can definitely see times when it turned things awkward. I’m still working out how best to have a conversation with a non-INFJ person in such a way that makes them feel more at ease but still gives me the sort of feedback from them that I’d like to have to feel like I got something out of it as well. Easier said than done!
it's so nice to have Clay relate to me in so many aspects. I have all problems he mentioned in this video.Unfortunately, most people INFJs meet don't have enough depth and we are easily misunderstood and it's hard for us to make friends. We are also so kind and considerate to others that people do want to approach us but we often feel drained.
“Keep it light.”
“Don’t be so in your head about…”
😂 I can’t even bother anymore when someone responds to me this way. I crave depth and love living in my head. Happy place 🙌 Thank you, next 🤷🏼♀️
Loved your discussion.
THANK YOU for this video!!
I don't want to be left to assumptions..... as an INFJ me having to feel into people's intentions or feelings is draining. I spent 30 years with someone who couldn't be honest or clear about his feelings. I would pick up the real issue, ask to verify, be told I was crazy, then told later that I picked it up right. His biggest complaint....I was too deep to intense. I finally woke up and realized this is who I am and I don't actually want to change it....I like this about myself 🥰
I hear ya! You said it well and I appreciate it! It’s hard for me to put into words at times. I’m 47 and have been told I’m more serious these days. But it’s not that I’m still that person, it’s more that I used to mask things with humor and only opened up to certain people. Now I just try harder to be genuine and if others don’t value who I am I can tell. I can make some feel uncomfortable because I can see through people. But they don’t understand I’m not trying to be harsh I just can’t turn a blind eye and pretend any longer. I have less really close friends but I like people! I just know who to give time to and trust more these days. The ones I have close are amazing! I value who they are more these days. It’s not what they have but who they are. Sorry this is so long! I just appreciate that someone takes the time and shares and can relate to me! 👌🏻👍🏻😄
I had a friend (that happened to be a boy)!that told me that, he used to hate when I was, what he called: “threading the web of patterns about someone”. He felt I was threading his web, and I did, he wasn’t good for me, but I trusted him enough to tell him how I think because I was young at 18. I can say he was nice but not good company, he wanted me to be smart, used my free will and have a more relaxing life. But I just got more books, more moral restrictions and more freedom from him, it hurt to say goodbye, but I knew I was heading to something much better.
Very insightful explanations! I always felt I had to restrain my inquisitive nature with people, my curiosity about how they operate and why they say or do what they do, but until now I didn't associate it with something that could be perceived as intensity, but it makes perfect sense after your explanation.
I've learned it's very rare to find someone that can let me be just me, instead of who they need me to be, and out of consideration for them I will moderate my interaction with what they can handle because I know I'm really intense in relationships, irregardless of the intimacy expectations be it in love or friendship. And quite frankly I understand that a lot of people are just not able to dive deep.. but also not everyone deserves to go there with me. 😚 ..its all about knowing where you wanna build and how far.
I have the same problem,this is bc I cut everybody off in the last 3years and be just on my own,bc people doens't understand me and small talks make me totally angry,so better be alone and stay in my own peace
Clay I absolutely agree with you because it happens to me in the same ways. In a nutshell I think the people who think you’re too intense are people who aren’t as deep as you. Haven’t you encountered that your whole life? The average person doesn’t care to truly understand things because their minds don’t dive deep enough to even ask the questions we ask. So yeah, lots of people think you’re too intense if you even ask ONE question. I learned early from my own parents that asking questions was something that annoyed people, but that didn’t stop me. An INFJ is inquisitive by nature. I am always befuddled that people think we’re trying to cause a problem by simply trying to understand something, but like I said, most of the population don’t have any questions about anything!! Therefore we seem intense. I wonder what it would be like to be one of them!! 😇
Wow. I know I'm not the only one that is saying that, but I am so amazed to hear your thoughts and find such similarity to mine, it even sends shivers down my spine! There comes your words, in public, yet I am so scared or ashamed to admit those to other people and to myself. Thank you for voicing them out. It is perhaps a little bit depressing, but encouraging on the other hand too. There were so many times, I wanted to confront someone with my questions, but I mostly manage to stop myself.... however I feel how its bubbling within me!
I also often feel, that once I've gathered enough data, and analyzed the person - and especially if that person is very down to earth and his concerns lies with stupid/boring [in my opinion] stuff - I find myself almost forsaking this poor person. And If Im forced to spend a lot of time with them [family/roommate/that overly friendly small group tourist guide that wont stop commenting on your every nonconformous behaviour], I get super annoyed. Almost to the point, that I start ignoring them.... Sometimes I can feel very guillty about it. And I'm not sure if that's just me, or if there is a possible pattern of feelings too within other people.
Anyway, thank you for reading whoever read it till here ^^ and have a wonderful day!
I'm the same! 😊
I agree with you on all the points. Especially the dot connecting, which we obsess on. I think the more information we gain relevant to the topics of our interest. The more dots we form, and it can be challenging dealing with them when while they are open. And many times even the dots we think we have connected can be enhanced with information from a different topic. It's like being stuck in an eternal loop, and the only answer is meditation. And focusing sometimes on non-trivial things in order to come back with a different perspective on the issue.
I love knowledge, but at the same time I see it as a course or rabbit hole that it never ends. Especially with complex topics where your mind is free to connect even more dots. But as you can see, you have stared something in me that I think we can convey only to other INFJ's. Talking like this to non INFJ, and it will spark the question in them: From what planet is he from.
as an intj here, this sounds INCREDIBLY FAMILIAR; only its not with people, its with things. i think it is an INxJ thing to be able to connect the dots and see the patterns that no one else seems to notice.
also, i ABSOLUTELY DO AGREE with your thoughts on the vagueness of others communication styles.
when you assume you make an ass of u and me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i also ABSOLUTELY DO AGREE with you on the probing/demand for clarity.
You are publicly telling the story of my life. Thank you for the amazing content. I am an "older" INFJ👽
Hi, Clay. Thanks for the video. It's comforting to hear you articulate INFJishly the same thoughts that I have. It feels lonely sometimes knowing that most people don't understand how and why we act and think the way INFJs do. Nor do they want to know. That's the thing that bothers me the most, actually; Feeling like I'm a riddle or puzzle no one wants to figure out. That I'm just and intense weirdo who doesn't belong on this planet of facades.
Therefore, I truly appreciate your deep-thought videos. Makes me feel understood.
I'm gonna go ahead and say yes! Been on a bunny trail...HSP is what some INFJ's are. Which adds to the mix for sure. People generally dont want to be challenged. I love to debate (When it's on a topic I have some understanding on) and i love a good mystery lol. Most people dont want to play along though lol
I agree , I get so sensitive that it hurts, sort of like shocks that run my my nerves. I really feel it through
out my arms.
This happens when another person has a negative attitude and a loud sound happens. This affects me.
I understood this video with no hesitation or questions. Pure understanding....... love how you broke it down.
I second this comment ❤️
I have to admit that I am a pretty intense guy, that's just who I am. I can recognize it, but I'm also very passionate, loving, loyal, strong-willed, wise, and honest.
You said quite a few things that resonated with me. I too struggle with the narcissistic personality and people act as though I overthink everything. I feel like screaming out “can’t you see it?” but they haven’t a clue. This isn’t limited to manipulative people, there are cultural trends, social media trends, the way things work (or should work), reasoning, reflection, communication, social status, politics, etc. At times I feel like I am alone (which is okay with me) but when there is no understanding in your closer relationships, it can be frustrating. Thanks for the help…your insight, and the way you communicate is healing and I believe you are serving a great purpose on this platform.
I also feel the exact same way! I feel like for the first part of my life I was gathering information and testing the waters if my intuition is right. Now that I'm in my twenties I've developed a lot more confidence and I can utilize my thinking better because I feel like my thoughts actually have some depth and punch to them.
I love harmony and logic, everybody on the same page. Therefore I need clarity, I speak out often in a raw true version while also sweating off to keep it empathic and respectful, the problem occurs when people don't want to clear confusions or admit things out loud in return. At that point my mind goes to a loopy calculative mode to figure out the 'why's & 'what's.. which really interrupts my routine because I feel like I am trapped in a maze. The different definitions and vague value systems frustrate me, so my natural instinct is to ask and clear things out for myself and explain for everyone else. Which probably make me seem intense, as I gather by the reactions and responses.
After having multiple manipulative and narcissistic relationships (romantic & non), on the slightest smell of manipulation, guilt tripping, or gaslighting I get alert and step back. Calling out has only hurt me in the past because most of the times I was painted as "too serious or unreasonable", so I try not to do that anymore. I observe and decide how much I want to trust a person for something particular.
So, it is way hard to gaslight or manipulate me now. However, lately it has been ghostly because I can barely connect with anyone, and I miss connecting.
I'm ENFJ and just met my perfect person, my darling INFJ, and finally I'm not "too deep", "too enquiring", "weird in my thinking" or "too intensely loving".
Find your similarly rare ENFJ and all will be good in the hood. I recommend So Synced. We might be separated by an ocean, but we are super close, more than most people ever will be, totally worth it :)
Yes! Me (INFJ) and my sister (ENFJ) have the deepest, thought provoking, challenging, enlightening, in depth discussions. She is one of my favorite people to chat with. We follow each other's thoughts and that rarely ever happens in my relationships!
Agree with you 100% ~ curiosity seems to be very intimidating to many people.
Welcome back, Clay, we've missed you - thanks for another great vid. Stay safe!
I have been told that I am intense or "too much" more times than I could possibly remember. Since watching your videos I have learned so much about myself and why I do the things I do. I have also realized that I need to work on boundaries as well as a host of other issues. Your videos have been an invaluable resource for me on the road to authenticity and self acceptance. A thousand thank you's.
I also really appreciate this post. I had been wallowing in self made depression because my online friends of 8 years had yet again slowly shut me out of the group chat because they mistook my intensity for judgment and obsession. I had 1 friend for example that had recently been a victim of SA for the 3rd time this year. She struggles with self worth and often will do reckless things like, fall asleep inside the house of a guy she met at a concert etc etc... but when she comes to cry on the group chat everyone is like 'eww omg I'm so sorry that happened to you' meanwhile I'm like writing literal essays of questions and telling her that we can fix this and punish him and yada yada and instead... I was told to leave the subject alone and they don't wanna talk about it anymore with me. Like okay. But we've been friends for 5 years.. and you can't even talk to me about something that obviously upset you?
This is why I don't keep friends anymore. I take the rejection of my honesty too personal.
Man... I just went through something somewhat similar. It always feels like I’m being shut out, but simultaneously they will say they aren’t shutting me out. So I get frustrated and I try to make them admit why they’re doing so I can have closure and leave.
@@cozybrandi I really had the urge to do that today by like, sharing this video with them. But it'll probably make me look MORE intense as a result LOL, so fuck it right? Maybe those just aren't the true friends I crave after all. But what a waste of time it's been.
@@Kayla4217 Yeah no, that won’t work lol!! It’s frustrating too because we know that most people aren’t that deep, so why not keep them around as casual friends while you look for other friends, right? But it bothers me to the core keeping people around if they don’t fulfill a purpose. I’d rather be alone than have half-assed friendships.
Those are good moments to ask, do you want solutions or someone to listen?
@@AquaMoon80 this is her third SA this year. We're done with the talking with her unusual case I feel like. She does want help, just maybe not mine. But I see that perspective
Man, I’ve missed hearing my own thoughts, out loud! Thanks my friend. I am older than you are, and I can say, seeing, calling out, and speaking of, Narcissistic behaviors, has become so automatic….it must get stronger with time.
ENFJ here, but I once again for sure relate. Especially when it comes to finding a way to filter and sorta subdue the intensity. I am also in a very Introverted Thinking developing stage so that adds more to it. It sucks when people are very evidently sick of the depth and intensity. I was called weird at work quite often for taking what was supposed to be a silly conversation about people's dreams into a deep psychological interpretation or reading in a back corner during downtime moments and writing my own poetry.
But I love that I understand why I am the way I am and embracing it.
I totally agree and relate to you saying that your Ti becomes a lot more dominant as you age. I think we spend too much of our young and under developed adult life trying to adjust to social norms and just kind of figuring out what, why, where and how. It is sad, but I am so disconnected now I am in my late 40's. I now cry on the inside and have my own mindful counsellor telling my Ni that it will be o.k eventually. The one thing that so destroys my soul is knowing that when I pass over into the afterlife, no one can say really nice stuff about me because they're lack of understanding, ignorance and openness never gave me enough trust to give them that key to the vaulted door. For when I am alone, I am deeply understood. Great video and I so get you. xx
I'm now literally an 'old soul' as opposed to being one in a young body. I've literally given up on friendships...they're really not worth it and I'm so comfortable being alone anyway... authenticity is a big theme here and I find it mostly in my chosen music. It doesn't argue or contradict me, it just gives me intense pleasure.
I too always go back to Clay to be in a space where I'm understood. Reading the comments always makes me feel I'm part of a group that I wanna be in.
I've heard I'm too deep my entire life. People act as if depth is a disease. I have come to realize most people aren't able to comprehend my emotional and thought process and we tend to fear the things we don't understand. I've met a few people who accept me for being a heavy thinker and my intense emotions but I have yet to find reciprocity which has been the most difficult part. Accepting this journey in life alone.
Whenever I watch your videos, I tear up. I have this huge desire share these to people so that they could understand me. But then again they aren’t like me, and they’d probably ignore it when I do share it because your videos are usually 30mins long (or more, which I myself enjoy). There are some who do actually watch it and say “you’re like a woman version of him” haha! Even I laugh at how I think we have a similar disposition when we talk about things that matter. The tone of voice, the pauses, the way you use your hands.. haha. I really feel like I’m listening to someone on the same wavelength as me. It’s so comforting. I like listening to you so much. It’s like I’m validated and learning at the same time. It doesn’t feel like you’re convincing me and I have to agree. It just.. makes me think. It makes sense. And I like it when it makes sense. Thank you so much. Please talk more.
Yes! absolutely INFJ's are intense and serious when discussing things. I have an INFJ sister and INFJ male friend. I'm close with both of them, they are intense and passionate about the things they want to discuss, yes INFJ's need to learn to chill and relax which INFJ's are pretty good at doing. As an ENFP, we really love seeing the intensity in people and also enjoy deep discussions about anything INFJ's want to discuss. However, when INFJ's open up about things in their mind, it can seem overwhelming sometimes because at times people don't understand them or they're angry about something that comes against their values. It's important when INFJ's are intense, to always understand what they say and mean and ask the right questions. I'm gonna be honest, INFJ's are complicated to understand at first, but when you really get to know them they are amazing people like the rest of us.
Thank you Clay your videos do help in understanding the INFJ's. When INFJ's do ask me to clarify myself, it is annoying, yet really important because it helps me to change and to reflect on myself as you mentioned. What INFJ's should and can do is instead of asking questions, give people advise, because when we give an answer from our own perspective to explain ourselves, INFJ's end up already knowing the answer for that person. Instead INFJ's could give others wisdom, advise, feedback in the first place, INFJ's please realise it does take some effort for others to gather the right words to answer your questions at times. By the way the cat is a nice touch to the video, it helps you look more relaxed and joyful :)
Curiosity, clarification, challenging, the whys - I always desire this and think purely of it being interestng, engaging and bonding.
Yeah , that is so true ,not everybody understand
I'm🌼happy you're back. lol
I’m an INTJ . At first I did feel like I was being interrogated by my INFJ friend when I first met her . So many questions about myself and some of the questions she asked I did t expect or see the relevance . I remember thinking wow she’s a bit intense . Now I’ve let my walls down and learned to trust I see that she just wants to learn about who I am and it’s not just information gathering. And I know now to take it as a complement because it is a sign that I am actually interested in me . We have great deep chats and I like how she surprises me and looks at something from an angle I never even considered .
I am an INFJ and I am lucky to be able to find people who can handle my deep talk. I don't participate much in small talks, yet I mostly listened to people and at the same time analyzed their behavior as I believe would help me in future. Great thing is, when I started to insert interesting questions to the discussion, they seemed to be able to caught on and get onto the deep discussion of why's and how's.
The thing about INFJ is the more you as an INFJ knows more about yourself, the better you can control your reaction towards the narcissistic people you tend to attract. I'm still learning though. Really glad to watch your video.
OMG 🤯 you totally hit it spot on for me. I'm truly greatful for the feeling of finding home within myself.🤔🤩🙏🏼
I completely relate to all you described. It's so refreshing to feel understood about my perceived intensity. My whole life my mom and others have told me I need to chill and that I "think too far ahead". I always felt insulted and hurt by this, but I don't let it affect me anymore when people tell me this.
I'm so glad you're back! Thank you my INFJ "brother". I feel so understood when you articulate the INFJ thought process. I love your cat! So cute! I hope to see kitty in more videos.
i'm INTJ and i have INFJ friend and thats why i appreciate this person, she is sharp and direct. when i talk to heri feel (yeah intj feeling;.) the conversation is straight to the point unlike many ppl in general (because you are goal oriented you don't turn around and around things, it's a sharp yes or no) And, i love to not waste my time with "read between the lines... so borring) INFJ don't write important informations between lines.
I am so feeling what you’re saying. I feel it in my whole being. It is intense for others because it makes them feel exposed. They also don’t understand the art of intricate communication and so many aspects to any situation or circumstance. I want to dig deeper, and for most people, that’s intense. Most people are not ready for the deep excavation INFFJ’s are so excited to delve into.
Thank you so much for this video. Your videos are literally a therapy. Also that's okay to take a break for now and then till you feel energized or inspired. We're INFJs too and we do understand this. So it's all good.😊
This was a very helpful and intelligent description of a HEALTHY INFJ. I feel that the most iconic INFJ traits tend to be more unhealthy manifestations; intensely dark and moody people who just flow in their feelings and have no higher intelligence or problem solving skills when we truly are the ultimate problem solvers and investigators.
This girls gonna do, what this girls gonna do . I appreciate you .
We need too BE US .. unapologeticly
I have heard this word “intense” many times in my life. I also agreed completely about needing to have a full discussion about inconsistencies between words and actions. I love an in depth discussion and find small talk to be draining. I have known that I was an INFJ for about 2 years, but I am THRILLED to know that these parts of my personality are just natural to me instead of being some type of character flaw (as I feel that others try to make it seem). I grew up with an abusive mother, and as I have matured I am now very sensitive to manipulation and injustice.
Alan Greenspan - " I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant"
the topic of communication and miscommunication has always been really interesting to me.
This is so spot on, I deal with these same issues.
I think also us INFJs are very self aware and I’m noticing that people can only really communicate to their level of self awareness if that make sense.
I feel like we see problems or connections that are imperceptible to others which may cause people to think differently for a moment making them uncomfortable.
Also Jacob Nordby Is an INFJ and he has some great books that are inspiring and relatable if your feeling spontaneous check them out.
I observe and contemplate a lot. And lately I'm noticing this "intense" thing, not in me cause it's normal for me. But in people's reactions towards me. They have this blank weird-ed out gaze. I need to turn it down. Maybe care a bit less about things, and take a chill pill. At least for a while.
Clay, I so resonate with what you’ve talked about.
I’m actually called ‘Miss Why’
I ask often:
why ?
what’s the reason ?
how come ?
and all that
I am genuinely curious about people and am inquisitive about their reasons for what they are feeling/doing.
The description of being intense is now my label, also, like yourself, I have a very limited amount of friends I can explore deep subjects with, I feel content with that
but I cannot find anyone to form a romantic relationship with, as I’m being always honest (to my detriment) and perceived as ‘too much’
I slowly start accepting living on my own and having your channel and others commenting, is a little peaceful hideaway, where I feel like I can fit in ☺️
Thank you 🌻
Really interesting video! Thank you for doing these. I suspect one reason people can be reactive to very on-point queries (even those coming from a spirit of caring and interested curiosity) is that the queries trigger shame in the other person. I agree that without exploration of these issues, there really can’t be intimacy in relationship. In understanding shame, I think it’s useful to delve into info on attachment style/wounds.
This is so true! Since INFJs simplify complex realities for people, it intimidates them as to how can we reach that conclusion and not some other one. Our avoidance to discuss about the complicated process behind addressing the whats, hows and whys before reaching a multi-dimensional conclusion makes INFJs appear vague and intense to others.
Add to it our vehement conviction based on our psychic intuition, which frustrates people to think that maybe we are not ready to entertain other perspectives, whereas we've already done that since long ago.
As for relationships, instead of expecting people to be who we want them to be i.e. their true and better self, it's better to let people be...with time they prove through their actions, where they should be placed on the relationship hierarchy (aquaintances, superficial fair-weather friends, honest & reliable close friends etc.)...before they prove that it's time to let them go! INFJs close the door after repeated verifications of their huntches, so when they decide to leave, it's with more evidence and conviction than apparent to the person, who's left to his/her egotistically projected-self.
This is art to me
Love your kitten 🤗❤🐈😻👍
Definitely asked to explain the connections a lot...
I grew up with a mother with narcisstic traits and some of the things she did bordered on mental abuse or was actually abuse and we constantly disagreed about things because I often called her out on her behaviour but obviously she was never wrong. Luckily I was marrried to a guy for 25 years who really made me felt understood and not like a freak. The two of us could have hours of intense deep discussion. Our kids always said they don't know what we still have to talk about. He was an ESTJ. Sadly he passed away 2 years ago so I really miss my best friend. I have really have amazing friends and we have great discussions because we can have deep discussions and they are real and straight forward.. My best friend is someone who is totally real, honest to the bone and sincere. No falseness at all what you see is what you get. She is an INTJ. So amazing how all this works. Always thought something is wrong with me until I discovered I was INFJ.
Ahhh!! Absolutely everything you said rings true to me! (I’m an INFJ as well). You do so well to purposefully explain these things that I have tried to put into words and have difficulty doing so. *huge hug*.
I get that itch of not being able to drop a line of thought that you know is wrong or not explained well.. Those kinds of conversations has it gotten me into A LOT of trouble. I couldn't help it, despite it making me feel bad because we don't want to offend people by our curiousity. Some people find my questions a personal attack, even if I use my kindest manner of speaking.. I feel like I have to "defend" myself when in fact I'm only asking a question.
I think part of why this personality type feels depleted after being with groups of people is that you have to actively manage yourself, and not unleash the curiousity monster that we are at once! Lol.
That's why this channel feels like a little "safe haven" for me sometimes. Just reading the comments and hearing Clay talk about what I'm (we're like) feels validating. Makes me feel a little recharged and ready to face the world again. It's nobody's fault that others can't understand us completely, vice versa. So far what I found worked for me are:
1) Find ONE friend or if you're lucky a "tribe" whom you could be most yourself with
2) Find pockets of recharging yourself (like cuddling an adorable PET when you're starting to get too intense! haha. or looking at pictures that you know could calm you down. or browsing videos like this)
3) Accept that life is challenging for ones with this personality type, but that it's NOT out to get us. We have in-born skills to coax people's honest intentions out. It's a gift, albeit a double-edged one. Have heart my friend, you're not alone.
I relate to the part where you said you would need to filter your intensity in order to not come off as intense to others. I do this too. Especially in mixed groups of people. I used to feel that filtering myself was a bad habit that meant I was disingenuous, but after spending yesterday (Christmas Day) with a mixed group of family members, I realize that it's not disingenuous to keep my deep, private thoughts, private. I can keep them reserved for those who are interested and are able to engage on my level. When I don't expect others to be as intense or serious as me, and I am more able to accept their lighter, or more casual nature. This way I don't need to use so much energy explaining ideas to people who are genuinely not interested. And I won't be frustrated feeling like I am overexplaining and then getting the glazed over expression from them.
The frustration I’ve always had is being able to see through the games people are playing and neither wanting to play those games nor have my intelligence insulted by the continued lie that they’re not doing exactly what you both know they’re doing. 😐
People immediately lose my respect when I give them the opportunity to come clean and they refuse to approach me with honesty. If they had the guts to drop the act, I’d easily let it go and be friends with them, but when they don’t, I have no time for it.
Happy to see u posting back Clay! 👏👏
YES! I feel exactly the same about words having different definitions for different people, and being open to misinterpretation. I wish we could remove all doubts, and all misunderstandings, and just communicate telepathically. I wish we could think and feel from each other's point of view.
And I need closure too! If I'm having a problem or disagreement with someone, I need to work on it and solve it. If they say "I'm not talking about this now" or "just forget about it", I *REFUSE!* We need to talk about it and clarify what happened, and figure out the root of our problem. We can't just brush it under the rug or act like it didn't happen. All we have to do is TALK about it. I will never just let it end that way. We're not going our separate ways right after an argument.
I'm currently in a relationship with aj INTP, and I love her so much, but she does all of these things. She doesn't want to talk about our problems, she wants to forget about them and not deal with them. I'm trying my best to get her to open up and show me her deeper thoughts and emotions. I need that deep emotional intimacy. I need to connect to the ones I love on the deepest levels. I need to know and understand everything about them.
And yes, if someone's words don't match their actions, I will demand an explanation. I need to understand how they feel. I can tell when their energy has charged, I can feel when they're losing interest in me, or when there's a pattern showing me that they're going to betray me or abandon me. When I see these things coming, I need to talk about them and lay them to rest. If there's a problem, we need to fix it.
INFJs are way too intense. I need to dial it back to be more healthy and appear normal to people. We seek very intense connections with people and the world. We try to seek order out of chaos.
I'm pretty young but I've had too many situations where I've been told to stop interrogating, sometimes it's hurtful most times it's comical cause it starts off as these people acting like they appreciate my tendency to dig deep into things like that then I guess they get tired of it and then it's "too much".
I've had a lot of circumstances where I've been manipulated and I still don't think that I know what to do about it. I've only just learnt to identify the manipulation faster.
Also I have a very close intj friend who's systems oriented and all that, we share in that. It's pretty interesting watching him watch me get into trying to understand people and even more interesting that he seems to try to do that as well.
Anyway, your channel is a good one, I like listening to you talk about things as you do.
“Clarity, getting people to admit things... “
just say the thing! I need things to be resolved, talked through and it’s extremely difficult to move forward if there is no closure. I think I become intense and almost nagging until I feel it’s resolved. But more often than not, others people seem able to let it go quickly and I’m left with closure on their terms. Which leaves me in limbo... and just figuring it out myself.
100 100 100 100 100 100
A HUNDRED PERCENT!!!! Multiplied by infinity!
I have continuously been given all of these comments! Growing up, it was incredibly draining to cage myself so others would feel comfortable. I was often told-actually ALWAYS told-that I’m intense, intimidating, etc. This was especially magnified when I was in an introspective state. It took my entering adulthood to break away from that and strongly bring to the forefront of my mind the question of: why am I giving my life away to others? Do I live for others?
Self-actualization was/is incredibly important to me and I always felt that society canceled out my goal. It was deeply oppressive and I reached a powerful snapping point. But anyways, FANTASTIC video! It helps (SO MUCH) to know I’m not the “weirdo” in the room. Turning over every interaction in my mind to “view” how I came across to people was EXHAUSTING! If you think I’m “too much” for you the line ends there.
Really appreciate you speaking your mind!
(I wish we could be friends!!!!)
The world is too deprived of the Ni function.
Wow, this is very insightful. Explains a lot. I'm definitely one who wants to get to the bottom of things, all things! It is overwhelming for most. As I get older and more comfortable I find my people more easily so my relationships have much more value and substance. I use to feel alone while surrounded by people. Now I enjoy my solitude with those who I'm close with. Such a big difference. Find your people! It makes life better!
I can relate to wanting to keep things chill to not "freak people out" hahaha. Love the metaphor about the bird and the fish! I think that one reason why INFJ's can be good at counselor type roles is that they are willing to explore the depths with people and won't freak out themselves when they're helping other people work out their issues. Most of the time though, I try to keep things pleasant and just try to find common ground.
I just want to thank my CREATOR for everything
In terms of improved Ti, maybe that’s a part of our maturation process? And as Ti improves, and pairs with Ni in a more balanced way, we feel the results and benefits. Which helps us to further trust and strengthen our Ti.
I just started watching this and you definitely are explaining what I have been feeling. So Thanks 😊