6 Qualities INFJs Need in a Friendship
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2024
- In this video, I take a look at the qualities I need to call somebody a close friend. I've targeted it towards the INFJ personality, but it will likely apply to any of the idealist personalities such as INFP, INFJ, ENFP and ENFJ. Thanks for watching!
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Intro: 00:00
Volunteers Info: 2:08
Lack of Barrier: 3:44
Emotional Vulnerability: 5:15
Logical / Rational: 8:50
Can Handle the Dark Side: 10:18
Available in Person: 14:58
I have never met another INFJ until recently in a coaching course. On the first day, I instantly connected with a male INFJ. We had so much in common; after a while, he mentioned MBTI and said he was an INFJ. It is great to meet a fellow INFJ in person and I have to say we are hard to read. He is a puzzle! The thing is that I often feel that as an INFJ we need people to share quite a lot before we can open up and share. We have many layers and I can now understand that some people might just lose patience.
And we also mask our darkness, at least I do. I think very few people can handle the depths of human nothingness and be comfortable.
Thank you for sharing. I'm trying to understand my friend who is stonewalling me. I'm friendly and love to get to know him. He goes through periods of telling me NOTHING. I feel so silly even talking to him. If he didnt continue reaching out first i'd think he hated me 😢
I can summarize it with one word : authenticity. I can’t see a friend who can not be authentic / naturally honest with me. Private or not yet authentic, vulnerable or not but authentic, opened or reserved yet authentic… I can’t befriend a person whom I sense as fake, dishonest, selfish to the point of using others, manipulative - and I sense these things in people quite easily.
Volunteer information 2:08
Lack of a barrier to know more 3:44
Emotional vulnerability 5:15
Balanced w/ rationality 8:50
Ability to handle intensity 10:18
Available in person 14:58
thanks for the reminder! I often forget to add the chapters.
Another one to add on your list would be have a "sense of curiousity". Someone who isn't put off by random conversation topics. Someone who enjoys having discussions about why things are the way they are. Someone who shows curiosity about me and my life, about our society or curiosities about themself (things you are figuring out about themself).
Definitely. Curiosity is so important.
that's a good one. Since I made this video, I've thought a few others as well actually haha.
Also: loyalty is very important to me in a friendship.
In addition, I have noticed that a friendship seems to be worth much more if it can stand on its own. So a friendship that lasts without any other reason to associate with each other (for example, a sports club or something). A bit strange perhaps, but the friendships that are only there because of the friendship must be worth the most.
I agree! I have an old video on here somewhere where I talk about that, actually. I call them 'Conditional Friendships' because they're based on a condition like work, clubs, interests etc.
So good to see a fellow INFJ-Dutchie over here!!
@@alicekoningh And another Dutchie here 👋
Loyaliteit staat boven aan de lijst dat is het moeilijkste voor mij in ieder geval
MAYBE THEY DONT WANT TOO NOW IT or maybe they are being hurt , give them some time ….. be kind !😊 6:23
I’ve gotten very good at sensing the depth of a relationship I can have with someone. There are those who give and take as you start to talk about deeper things and show interest and can handle such conversations. And then there are those who give you the wide eye when you talk deep and they skitter away to another shallower subject. I know those can’t handle me 😂 it’s hilarious when you see the pattern.
As usual, Clay. Listening to you thinking out loud, is like hearing my thoughts projected. We are watching our exchanges from outside ourselves, as they are occurring. There’s an emotional exchange waiting to happen and we can tell if possible. Our dark side? It’s not morbid, it’s exploration. Looking from all sides. I’ve been waiting to hear from you. Thanks my friend. I hope you both have a wonderful season.
Incredibly spot on as an infj. It is very difficult to find friends that can easily identify with logical & emotional based thinking. When i’m talking with a friend, I tend to gravitate toward their preferred way of thinking by either primarily using Ni/Ti for my logical friends or Ni/Fe for my emotional friends. I sound like such a social chameleon but it’s not a negative thing. I think it comes from not expecting my friends to be able to easily switch their way of thinking just because I need a friend exactly like me. I would say enfjs are probably the closest type to us. However, I feel like I have to restrict myself from getting too dark. Whenever I try opening up to an enfj about those topics, they just respond with more optimism lol. They sympathize but cannot empathize. Having to hold myself back is tough because I believe this can be an infj’s version of being completely authentic & vulnerable.
Main point: I don’t expect another type to fully understand all aspects of me unless they are also an infj
I really think that the lNFJ self-status is loners syndrome, really. Especially when Clay says how dark they are, can be.
I totally agree. By todays standard, the term friend is totally misunderstood and misused. Many people are not aware of themselves nor the true essence of life and what it is about if it does not revolve around their personal gains. I find that it is necessary to have walls up for everyone we meet but be aware enough to allow the person to either lower the walls or show signs that it is best to keep them up. I do not allow a friendly conversation to make me believe that it is necessary to consider a person a friend.
Friend is definitely a problematic word. It means different things to different people. Mostly it refers to very superficial connection, a loose word casually tossed about to refer to anyone you know, except you really don't know them and they don't know you. The key for INFJs is that they want to know others and be known. Very, very few people are capable of such vulnerability. It is too threatening. For us it is the only way to connect, to not be completely cut off.
@@nancybartley4610 Beautiful explanation Nancy. Everything you said is on point. People are so clueless of the reality of the true essence of the terminology they use.
I totally agree with you 👍 💯
@@lisamariejames2612 😀😀🙏🏾
Being an INFP, I would say that you succinctly described my INFJ friend. Since I met him, he has expressed all of the same needs and desires that you speak about in this video. I find him honest, authentic, deep, introspective and yes, he definitely has a dark side to him that appears at times to have no bottom. It doesn't bother me as long as I know he's going to be ok and at some point when he's ready that he will not stay there indefinitely. I find him one of the most enigmatic people I've ever met.
Damn, you really hit the nail on the head with this one, Clay. I have a good friend but something really bothers me in the relationship, and prevents me from feeling like this is a "true" friendship. And it's exactly what you say here. I need people who give information about themselves without me constantly "interrogating" them. And this friend doesn't do this. A times, she'll start talking to me about something very personal, but most of the time, if I want to know something, I have to painstakingly dig it out of her. I think she is simply not comfortable and confident enough to show people her true self, and she has this tendency to have lots of friends and only give a bit of info to each person. As if she needs to maintain multiple, shallow relationships, because she cannot handle truly getting close to any one person. She also gets annoyed if her friends ever discuss her problems between themselves (which I understand, but the "mystery" she creates and the fact that we want to help her or protect her is the reason why this happens so much). I keep finding out things about her that I didn't know (sometimes trivial, sometimes not), and it constantly makes me feel like a bad friend (I feel I SHOULD know these things), makes me feel powerless (I can't help her with her problems if she only gives me 20% of the info), and sometimes, it pisses me off a little (as if she doesn't trust me). And I was just getting to this point where I've almost "theorised" this, and now I find your video, and it's EXACTLY the problem I have.
And yeah, you're right, you can't really be mad at someone for being private and not wanting to share, but at the same time... I feel that if someone wants to be that way, then they cannot have any real friendships.
I've been thinking about this lately as well. It's been making me feel incredibly lonely; many of my friendships feel shallow since they're missing one or many of these factors. I value my friendships with them, but it is fairly draining when you know you can't completely open up to them.
I've been trying to learn how to be by myself until that right person comes into my life
Trust! You mentioned it only once, dude! As a fellow INFJ, I find trust to be a major factor in any friendship/relationship, and not from our perspective. Sometimes I'm naive and let people in too far and think I can trust them...but I want the trust of others...need it, crave it. It can be hard for us...as we're not always easily understood...but yeah, everything about our dark side, etc. is spot on. Thanks!
About your 6th point, I’ve learned through the years that I need to meet face to face with friends to uplift my mood. Especially when I feel down… So I always push myself to do social activities, even more when I feel the least like it ☺️.
Thanks for this list. All I need in a friendship is kindness, understanding and compassion.
Yet again Clay you help me feel sane, validated and understood. I’d love to find someone I could speak my deep dark mind to without feeling like I have to filter everything I say somehow, so they don’t feel uncomfortable. However, I’m a homebody who is afraid to ‘test’ possible friendships and have trust issues.
Yes
I feel the same way to be honest :) I think it takes actual effort to step out and find friends.
More intense than other people; probably but I don’t know anymore I live where I need to live which is deep, dark and fun!!!! Don’t waste time not being authentic if you can. hey hey ENFP here and my hubs got typed this year INFJ...We have lived in our NF world for so long, we don't even notice the water we are swimming in. I remember when we first met and then when we first dated after a few years of building a good friendship and it just clicked, but also in a very deep way. I don't know if I think things through like this, but there has to be so much trust building and vibe sharing in order to go deeper and for me this takes FOOOOORever. I have a good time with acquaintances and am ENFP friendly, but strangely my inner circle is harder to get into than my INFJ's ring even though he's more reserved and definitely has firmer boundaries built in. People are hard Clay thanks for talking through this.
Perhaps social media redefined “friend” to a watered down version of being connected to others. I experienced a wonderful deep conversation with a total stranger about concerns of health, wellness for people and the planet. We addressed factual darkness and fears but lightened the mood by addressing good choices we each can make. The exchange caused me to reminisce days of having long lasting friendships with great sharing and dialogue.
I can relate to meeting 'the wall' with people.. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with very prideful, born-again religious parents that were against therapy or outside help. The people I would meet and those in my home seemed really mentally fragile from my perspective. I had this strange desire to protect others from losing the safety net that is the sense they make out of their lives. When I would notice funny little nuances or contradictions in speech it felt like I was pulling at threads that would make the entire structure collapse. People would get angry, weirded out, distance themselves from uncomfortable topics when I would try to develop a bigger picture, so I learned to internalize my curiosity and desire for understanding as bothersome and destructive. I wanted people to be happy, and sometimes ignorance was a more peaceful option. "I'll just hold out until I can outgrow the bubble and meet more open minded people that can carry the weight," I remember telling myself
I spent a long time living with that sort of neuroticism, to the point where I began to prefer never actually revealing my inner thoughts to others. I was a bit awkward but had friends and was well-liked, I was also very lonely. And more than that, having an inner realm not subjected to outside challenge for so many years created an echo chamber. I became more arrogant in my perspective on human nature and the patterns people tend to follow. I became blackpilled before I knew it, and this ate at me, as I ultimately wanted to be hopeful rather than jaded. I was allowing dark thoughts to fester without releasing/absolving them through discourse and the exchanging of ideas, i.e. therapy.
I had gotten a software engineering degree, toward the end of it my younger brother was struggling with male loneliness and his own demons, and fell into a deep depression, unsuccessfully attempting suicide. At this point I recognized I had been suppressing my emotions heavily and fell into a pit of depression along with him. The jaded inner persona became the exterior, I was nasty with people and started to become a recluse to 'quarantine' myself and create a layer of protection from loved ones. I stopped paying bills, heavily tanked my credit, abandoned relationships, just gave up caring about letting people down. I started resenting people for the innocence they were allowed in life. Just a whole lot of fear and loathing
I read online during this time of drug assisted therapy, in foolish haste I took a large dose of psilocybin. What I found in this trip, though painful, helped me see my dysfunction, helped me understand how important human connection is, and how much of it I was truly depriving myself of. Most of all, it helped me see how much of my curiosity for the world I had buried beneath the depression and ingrained beliefs.
I'm working on getting my life back together and building a career. If not for myself, for my brother to have a better template than what our family provided for us for kids more neurodivergent than others. I want to create meaningful relationships with people that don't want to turn away from the painful moments of life. I don't want to just feel happy, I want to run the gamut of human emotion and experience everything without looking away, without societal biases. I want a rich existence, and I know now I have the drive to fuel that desire without any hangups, however lonely of a road it may be. I just hope I can grow my dim light enough to act as a beacon for those who would need it when the darker times come
INFJ Dark side. I have never heard anything more accurate. People mistake my conviction for anger all the time. People hear me talk and they can feel my emotions when I speak. I need a friend that can hear and visit the Dark side and be ok with it. Glad that I am not the only one that feels this way.
Do U know Neon Genesis Evangelion Anime? Kaworu is infj there and Shinji Infp. I feel as If, If infp learn to Fe, as Well as Enfp, they could Talk more about their inner DARK Feeling, thinking World as Well, coz some know those Places and are comfortable with Light and DARK Places, but some have Not yet the abbility to Talk about that, Connect via Fe. I highly enjoy how infj can extrovert their thoughts and Feelings so Well, No Matter which color or light. Blessings. 💫
It's insane how much I can relate to this! Balm for INFJ souls. Loving your videos, Clay.
This feels so relatable, even though I am an Infp. The desire to want someone that can fully understand your dark side resonates so strongly, in a way I think it helps us feel less alone/ cold. It creates a safe space for vulnerability understanding and acceptance and all those who are high in neuroticism especially need that. I completely understand what youre saying in this video about how you think some people just cant go as dark as they can because they are "happier"/ brighter. Sometimes, I too wish to be that type of person, but my mind still holds on to previous painful emotional experiences, and it feels more like a healing journey. And thats why friends play such a vital role! Anyways, amazing video!!❤
I’m so lucky to have a lifelong friend who just accepts me and everything about me, and vice versa. INFJs more than anything need ONE PERSON or at least one person at a time, ideally, to interact with.
Yes to all of this - and the last one really does ring true. I know it's not true for everyone, because I always find myself being the one to say that I hope I can see that person again IN PERSON next time, too. Whereas the other person always seems perfectly content to talk or "meet" online. I've said it before to friends, but the physical proximity is important to me. Feeling that other person's energy is so, so important. I used to have online friendships, but they didn't last, and I do think that's because of a very real distance, both physically and thus emotionally. Thank you for this insightful video!
Spot on, as usual. Thanks for reading through my mind
Absolutely, Totally on track with how I am.
Having a rough couple of days Clay and now that you've posted a new video I want to give you a fresh compliment and a sincere thank you man. For some reason when I watch your videos I feel like I'm talking to a friend and I really don't have any of those around here so it's it's good work that you're putting out there man
I agree with all the things on that list, but the last one just really hit the nail on the head. If I find someone not being available in person for a long time (even though maintaining regular online presence) I feel neglected, and that is the beginning of the end of friendship. I know how valuable a person's time is and if the person chooses not to give a little of it, I don't feel like this person values our friendship. It's actually a mirror reflection of how I treat friendships - I give time if the friendship is valuable.
Insightful video, Clay. - INTJ
Love this 🩶. Your perspective is always refreshing. Thank you
Thank you for doing this video. Personally, I understand all of this 100%. And it’s something I’m having to navigate through, as I just relocated halfway across the US. This helps a lot. Thank you.
I love listening to your thoughts, it gives me life lessons and explanations about whats happenning to me. I feel understood in this strange world. thanks for the content!
I've found your channel earlier this week. I really love your videos! You put everything into the right words, and shed a light on a lot of important topics, for INFJs and at all. Thank you!
I feel sooo understood right now. It's nice to know that you are not the only one with problems and needs like that. 😊
I totally agree with you Clay!
Wow Clay, you just said everything I have been scared to say out loud! I 100% agree with everything you said, Thank you! Especially the darkness and intensity and people offering information.
I was waiting for you to mention the 'dark' aspect this whole vid. And yep, there it is. I 100% agree with this list. 🤘
I'm full of flu and actually feel needy which as you all know is a rare thing for us infj xxxx
As an INFJ, I agree with this. I appreciate the video. Thank you for sharing your perspective. 🙏
It was good to see you again Clay I haven’t come across your videos in a little while. One thing that I really enjoy in a friend is, the desire to get to know me, and, most importantly, once they see me, they like what they see. I feel like that alone can overcome a lot of the other needs. Cheers.
I thoroughly agree with these points,just hard to find them,so many people are carrying wounds and have not healed, ,
Very insightful! From my personal (and INFP) perspective, I relate to the last five points and the desire for those things in a friendship. Especially that occasional in-person interaction with another being. Being voluntarily open emotionally would be the point that I set aside. Many of my deeper emotions and thoughts are always being reconsidered and never quite complete, and though I’m usually happy to share them if wanted… or if I need input… the voluntary openness is just not an important part of a strong relationship to me. I can be a good ear for a friend that wants to share their emotions more openly, but I would likely began to feel unfree if I felt that was expected of me. Perhaps nobody can be the whole package, but we can value what they do bring to the table and seek out other needs in another person. Just my two cents :)
I can't believe how accurate all of these are.
As an INFJ, I love how you describe your thoughts and emotions and put them into words. I just enjoy listening to you. It feels refreshing to hear my own thoughts from another person. Thanks!
Really enjoyed your content. You put it all together nicely and it makes sense.
I see why I have no friends 🤣
All incredibly important requirements for friendship no doubt. I really resonated with the requirement to be comfortable with my dark and intense side. As soon as I feel misunderstood, I truly feel disconnected. I want to feel free to be my full self. Shadow self included. Great video as always Clay
Having that "Face 2 Face Connection" Hits my Core. 🌟 Emotional Spiritual Soul intimate real physical Connection, really rare. Like every color, dark, light, Soul Explorers. Blessings 🌎💕
This was very entertaining to listen to. You reminded me of 3 INFJs.
I'm an INFP who has an INFJ friend. She doesn't seem to have a dark side. She's stable, constant, and hard-working. She's very shy but like a rock. She's curious about the Bible and how to understand it correctly. She craves truth and logical sense. She homeschools 5 kids.
I like her a lot, but she's a very busy person. I wish we had more face-to-face time and deep conversations. She's very loyal to her family and constantly serving them. A selfless person.
Wow, this list was spot on for me! Your video just gave me perspective of what I’m missing from people. I’m an INFJ and this was a self discovery for me.
glad you got something out of it!
Great stuff, can relate to all of this. It is almost that natural longing for symbiosis. ENFP-A
yes, symbiosis is a good word.
Very timely video! A few days ago, an INFP that I considered a friend of 10+ years unloaded on me via text message and decided to break off the relationship after a long and gradual withdrawal. In retrospect I've come to realize that a lot of the points you mention did not manifest in a healthy way in our relationship. I was always digging for info and poking him to open up, creating an unhealthy power dynamic on some level. He was emotionally vulnerable about work and family, but had tremendous difficulty being emotionally vulnerable whenever there was conflict between us and would withdraw instead, sometimes for months. He could engage logically and rationally with me, but it was often draining for him (INFPs are heavy feeling types). After we graduated college and moved to different areas of the country, the in-person contact became very infrequent. Lastly, I had a bad habit of discussing my inner darkness with him, and I think my INFJ "intuition" unintentionally led me to criticize his personality in ways that were damaging to him. After a decade of what I thought was a tremendous capacity on his part to accept and forgive my flaws and less-than-ideal behavior, he departed on a very negative note, calling me depraved and sadistic, and saying that the warmth he felt for me at the beginning of our relationship had been gone for a long time. In the end I recognized my own errors throughout the relationship, but also his difficulty in allowing himself enough emotional expression to learn that he too carries a lot of darkness and resentment, and that his ideals are all fine and dandy when it comes to being kind to the average Joe, but do not blossom quite as ideally as a lotus flower does in the muddy waters of personal relationships.
Lesson learned. Never share your insights about the other person unless there is true goodwill, trust, and acceptance between the two of you. Do not give your opinion unless asked. Do not become so attached to your intuitions that you conflate them with reality, since two people can experience the same moment completely differently. Be careful when discussing your own darkness with other people. Make sure that communication is uninhibited and direct, such that when problems do arise, both parties can come together and implement mature conflict resolution to move on with their lives and the relationship. Lastly, find someone who can handle the darkness and truths that you see!
As an INFJ myself, you hit the nail on the head multiple times with me. I find myself saying frequently to others, " hey I'm being a realist with this situation or issue", which means there is a place to meet in the middle. It's this grey area that us INFJs take the option 3 approach, and think outside of the box, where many just won't go. The dark side thing is real. I simply say all the time, there are some things in this world that are just necessary evils. I have found you have to take the bad with the good in life, and try your best to keep it balanced like Yin and Yang. I appreciate your insight. Your videos have helped this INFJ struggling to getting along with co workers, with frequent confrontational situations easier to understand. You have helped me start to feel much more comfortable in my own skin after years of just thinking there must be something broken about me. It is a breath of fresh air to hear there are others that feel and think the same as you. Thank You so much!
This video really sums up everything I have been feeling/ thinking about. As an INFJ, I must go to different people for different aspects of myself. It's quite lonely and unfulfilling. I had a close friendship with an INTJ ( my longest-standing friendship), but it recently disintegrated. It was mainly rational/thinking-based and lacked that emotional aspect. It's hard to find true and fulfilling friendships. Especially given that I'm a bit more introverted. The ability to handle intensity/delve deep into the dark is an absolute essential for me. Many people are not comfortable diving that deep, and can only meet you as deep as they have met themselves - and that's ok too. However, I find myself craving a deep connection where I can explore all aspects of myself and so far haven't found it yet. Thank you for sharing this golden nugget of a video.
I am also a realist. This is in part because of my parents' background from outside of the English-speaking world, but also in part because of some of my own personal experiences along the way. But I have found that the vast majority of people I have come across in the English-speaking world do not want to be realists at all. The attitude seems to be, and has at times been directly expressed to me, don't tell me anything negative, I don't want to hear it, just make it go away. The problem is that the problems that I see are ultimately mathematical in nature and will, plain and simple, not go away. In fact, they are doing the opposite, relentlessly and consistently. Which means they will eventually be a major problem. And I do not think that time is far off anymore at the rate things are going. So unless something changes, I think a lot of people are going to have a major problem pretty soon. But I think that situation is pretty much built in in the meantime. Because I found out many years ago that the English-language world actually passed a law decades ago that says really bad things are simply not allowed to happen anymore. The problem is that that is not the way the real world actually works. So a lot of people are going to be really surprised, and big-time disappointed, down the road. As far as I can tell, most people are utterly unprepared for what is coming.
I grew up in Vernon, BC. I heard you said Kelowna on a video I watched from m years ago. So I thought that was neat. I think some important friendship things, to add to all the great points you made would be.
1. Excitement to see us be ourselves. Or some sort of unspoken acceptance or appreciation of our quirkiness as endearing. I'm a weird ass person to people I let in, but not to anyone else. It's almost like the people I don't care about haven't earned admittance my quirky side.
2. Someone to reiterate my thoughts so I don't go around in circles. Tell me what I'm saying to you so I know you heard it. Don't just nod and say yes.
3. Someone who is emotionally there for the long rants or vents.
4. Someone who can make counter points without invalidating our own thoughts. Also someone who is willing to accept our thoughts, even if we throw them out there without having ruminated over them for days yet.
5 (getting a little specific now) Someone who stays on subject when we get passionate. Doesn't turn the conversation into all about them, who asks questions about the subject to further the discussion instead of just giving examples of how they relate.
You encapsulated my friendship requirements perfectly, I feel kind of scared I can be so easily understood :D I am autistic, and also sensitive to peoples voice generally, gestures and facial expressions also
I feel seen :D ... these could as well be my thoughts ... but I have to add, that the "in person availability" is not one of the more important ones like the first few on the list ... especially because of the pandemic and my study program which is far away, I haven't seen one of my best friends in years and we still write every day ... I am looking forward to meeting him in a few days for the first time in years :) ...
I have to add that he is a fellow INFJ as well and I think that emotional vulnerability and openness as well as willingness to share stuff can compensate for the distance ...
one of my favorite quotes for that reason: “When you don't talk, there's a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said.”
I’m an INFP (pretty sure I am) as ive also got INFJ, ENFP, ENFJ but INFP resonates the most imo, i can still relate to alot of what you said and I am dating an INFJ guy. Sometimes I struggle to handle some of his darkness and at times nihilism, even tho i feel alot of dark things too it usually scares me, but i do my best to be willing to understand and listen, and ive had to to try to refrain from fixing and smothering everything in optimism i think its a habit for me as I am sensitive to darkness and pain and have codependent tendencies.
But more about me with friends, i also require alot of what you described, someone with emotional vulnerability but can also be somewhat logical, but if they are too logical and not so feely or feely but doesnt really know how to have intellectual logical conversations it can feel unbalanced on either side, i think i gravitate more towards feeling types but even as an INFP i do have an intellectual side that likes to discuss concepts and structures around things aswell as how things effect us (more of the feeling side)
Boy, did you hit it on the nail for the "volunteer information." I have been feeling so guilty for needing this. I thought I was being nosey and that was wrong, somehow. But when you voiced it, its truth hit me hard. I still don't understand how to have this need met in a friend. I think it may be very difficult to find people to provide it. I really need to know who someone is. If they can't open up, we can never connect. I also need them to want me to open up to them. This explains a lot about why INFJs are so alone.
As for your other points, they are totally me, too. I have found that very few people also have these needs. I can't see how friendship is possible without someone who shares these needs.
other NFs make good friends I think
I've had close friends for seasons, but none really for the long haul... and I know it's because I've chosen my own way, and need my own company to recharge. I don't have a "best" friend, nor do I want one to be honest. I work full time, so I "socialize" for 8 hrs. That's plenty for one day.😊 I used to judge and berate myself for not being a social butterfly. Discovering my personality traits has helped me so much in understanding and accepting myself. I'm so much more relaxed now, and am settling into my awesomeness steadily day by day. I absolutely love your criteria for close friendships. Deep, profound and resonant.
love your content
ps..your hair is gorgeous!
Yeah we are realist ! You got it ! 😊 12:09 Now you said it all a Terapist Thad can handle it , in Belgium 🇧🇪 Forted it !!!!!! 15:06
I think it's cool ur breaking this down.
I'm entj and don't know what it's like to be allowed to share an emotion. My fi is frozen solid. But your vid with your gf made me cry real and strange tears when you said u were emotionally starved.
I thought I would feel horrible forever but said to myself it won't feel this way forever and I recovered in about an hour and was all patched up.
Now what I think is, for you feelings feel good and for entj they feel awful. I wonder if that will ever change for me. I wonder if I will ever thaw my heart and then not feel awful from an emotion.
I want an infj friend now :)
Idk.
I really enjoy when someone asks me a really good question....but they never do.
I'm an INFP. Many people have told me they don't know me as well as other friends they have. It's not as much unwillingness to lower walls, as it's I don't think to share a lot, unless these things come up in conversation, and I don't want to interrupt or change subjects either. Just how I roll! 😁
Yes most of my friends are awesome but a few I accept they can't be bothered so yeah n I distance myself n eventually door slam n they never see me again. I dislike users etc. I have been second choice and I no longer allow it. I believe I'm a huge loss if I walk away as people like me are hard to find and they end up missing me more than I miss them.
I just met this amazing INFJ guy and we had a really intense, profound connection and he stated numerous times how strong the connection was, how authentic and zero pretense I am, that I give him the most space to fully voice his thoughts and be vulnerable in expressing...but trying to do long distance friendship with him is really a struggle. I'm INFP and definitely highly value quality time/ in person etc. but I also want someone to be curious enough/ interested enough in me to ask me questions to get to know me. I'm the one reaching out to him and that's hard!
I think I'm an INFJ, but I also think I am split between thinking and feeling, like being a "logical feeler", if that makes sense.
Also if you want an entj friend help them accomplish a goal and they will open up after. We can't feel till the work is done. We can't help it, emotions don't mix in war. The war has to be over . So help them win the war you I tell you we have a heart in there. A real entj is all about protecting the team. If you help us ur on the team. We are soldiers is all. It's how we are made.
"COLD HARD LOGIC"
2 Timothy 3:7 KJV
Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
😎🎸
Doing personal inventory again other day I realized I was never in very many good relationships of any type not that I didn't have the tools I had wrong ppl around me. Why relationships were never fun an always felt like work for the majority of them. Maybe why I've never really been able to love but two men. In my life cause I tell u why if asked
I feel like I could really need some fellow INFJ friends :') Something that I really value in a friend is someone who just listens to me, without judging or coming up with solutions to my problems. So someone who's really good at holding space.
I don't consider someone as a friend if there isnt a certain connection during a conversation. I don't feel comfortable showing to much of myself, so when a conversation topic leads me to talk a lot about me, i expect the other person doing the same, otherwise i just regret later all that i said. If i'm , i don't know talking about something that happened me at work, school, family, etc. a friend would listen and also share information about his/her side. If he/she just listen and give short-empty answers, it doesnt matter if i know that person for 11 years, i can be cold sometimes and don't act as a friend
Well, even though we want to be deep and vulnerable around people, my life experiences have taught me the opposite. Others will take advantage of your vulnerability, they will make you look crazy or incompetent for this world, and will use you in some way to get their agenda going and toss you aside. I am an infp, and I have noticed that infp and infj attract leeches most of the time. Do not understand why this world is so cruel to sensitive, vulnerable, emotional and rational people. People see us as trouble makers lots of times just because we are using our brain. Maybe, we will all meet and be friends in our next lifetime.
Number 6 isn't going to work for me because I can't meet people in person, for so many reasons.
All of my friendships/relationships are online. But yes, I also start to doubt my relationships when I don't hear from people for a while, or when I'm always the one starting every conversation.
Two points I liked best: First, wanting to find people with "no shell". I think it boils down to authenticity. Those who wear their heart on their sleeve kind. Barely any fakeness detected (at least public and private personas are very similar). Those who can say "I'm f*cked / in survival mode rn", and not be ashamed of it.
As an INFJ, when I come across people like this **face-to-face** (my second favorite point), I feel easily comfortable with them. In a world that makes me feel like I have to be happy and thriving all the time, being with those people feels like a hug.
Good observations! I laughed at how correct the "dark side" one was because I kept mine hidden for the longest time too (outwardly I'm this colorful though quiet person).
While I'd love for it to happen, I won't require a new friend to tick off all 6. That's setting up myself for disappointment and feels a little idk, entitled? from my end. Maybe 4-5 will do. I can get other "needs" off other friends. I realize I'm lucky to have close friends that tick off 4-5 at a time. I don't mind having friendship "ebbs and flows" since I know our lives aren't always heading in the same direction.
Being aware of this now, it goes to show that one needs to commit, make time and space, and give effort to find and keep your people.
PS - to anyone who gets this far into my comment :) Not affiliated with anything, just wanted to share a recommendation since I thought it was relevant. I recently watched a korean drama on netflix that shows the progress of this kind of relationship, and character growth too. One of the leads is INFP, another ENFP. Highly recommend it to folks here: "My Liberation Notes"
A little off subject, but Clay, I just watched your video with Lexi (Lexie? Lexy?) about INFJ - INFJ relationships, and this idea came to me about the two of you doing a podcast together. I haven't checked out your actual podcast yet, so I don't know if it's different from your RUclips channel or not, or if you already co-host it, or maybe have her in some more of the episodes. But I think the two of you just sharing your thoughts on a podcast together about different topics would be an interesting show.
Also, the honesty, vulnerability, and chemistry (just to name the things that come to mind right now, I think there are way more) between you two is very "palpable" just from watching that video. It's really nice to see two people have that kind of connection.
We have some loose plans to start a separate podcast, actually. If we do, it will likely be surrounding more 'taboo' topics in society. Things like sex, nudity, social norms around relationships, forced morality etc.
@@ClayArnall that sounds amazing! If you guys do it, I'll certainly check it out!
Listening to an INFJ singing in my headphones now. Alanis. Kinda odd when these things coincidend. I will listen to this again. Another INFJ ghosted me recently. No idea why this happened. I thought we were getting along. He even gave me a computer with Ubuntu as the OS. Saw them two weeks ago, passed by me without making eye contact. Very odd. I am over the hurt now.
There are levels to friendships. Don't stay casual some are trust worthy. An then I have the vonersbility. Where u trust the other one enough but most of all trust self. To be vonersbe an not all at once. Steps to the shit
5: also a person who you can share your dark feelings or dispositions to. Of course, you said that you didn't know what you were talking about because you don't like sharing that...
I was in a romantic relationship with someone who could make me feel very comfortable sharing my deepest self. But then she started making unilateral decisions concerning our relationship. I felt like I was misled. Instantly my introverted intuition took over my decision making and I found myself saying goodbye before I could even think about it. I think she was shocked. So was I. I was in deep pain for months afterward.
I am an INFJ ; never had a friend like that and never will. Given up on people totally
Yessss
I feel like I'm in the phase that I don't want to make new friends until I get better with boundaries... Seems to me that many Infj dealt with something like at least once in their life. it's like I'm burnt out with having my close friends dump everything to me. My close friends is a choleric ENFP with high ego (that's what her therapist said) and one is a bipolar INFP who's anxiously attached to her mom that is living in different town. And I'm an Infj with hero syndrome who oftentimes silly and funny outside but dark and depressed inside. They both said that I understand them and enjoy having hours of conversation with me.
I found that new friends tend to get close to me by pouring their heart.. find comfort and and solace... i feel i have an urge to listen to them and make them feel good, as if i want to help them heal their pain.. until I'm runout of battery and need days even months to recover.
Finally I asked my friend to give me space, not just keep randomly come to my house or keep asking to hang out while in fact I had to listen to their problems. I asked them to go to therapy regularly instead of making me as their free therapist (I'm psychology student in training to be mental health coach). My ENFP friend took it in hardway, and my INFP friend, she understood but said she can't help herself at the moment as she feel that me and my house (and my children) is her anchor when she's away from her mom.. I feel my hands are full at the moment and tried to just keep shallow friendship to the new people i met , even that I actually met some interesting people but geeez... I'm afraid it's gonna happen again.
while we look for loyalty in our friends ive foubd I need someone that is honest about their opinion oh and instead of dead responses like I'm good or I'm fine ilike to hear what is going on how are they dealing with their issues or thoughts regarding contemporary issues.
YES!!!
What can I do to develop my Fe as an INTP? I'm very sensitive but I can't show my care and heart-kindness because of my lack of emotional expressions.
If someone doesn't wanna open up themselves to you.... just move on to the next person.
INFJ male here, 66 years old (I used to look like Clay). I have struggled for a while, recently, to find companionship and find my way in life. I don't make friends easily. I used to have a lot more friends (when I was Clay's age) than I do now.
Just recently I let a friend go. He was getting too overly critical with me. I know that I have flaws and stuff, but it seemed like with him, I can improve the way he'd want me to, and still not be good enough. Plus he's 86 years old and has physical limits. He can't see and hear well. Perhaps that's why he's so critical. I had been friends with him for 10 years. I guess he wasn't that bad back then.
My friend making process: 1. Is this person real? (acquaintances) -> 2. Is this person full of spikes/walls around him? (Normal friend) -> 3. Do we share similar views towards a thing? (Good friend) -> 4. Are we helping each other when needed (mostly emotionally)? (A friend I love deeply) -> 5. Finally, are we connected on a deep philosophical level while allowing some differences for some occasional sparks (soulmate)?
Normally 50-70% is filtered out each question, I guess that's why it's so hard to find true friends 😂. Every time someone passes a filter, our connection gets deeper and stronger until a level that I would like to love them as hard as I can, to a degree I probably willing to sacrifice all I have for the better of the other.
Some times it could be really dangerous, because if, by any chance, I discover some selfishness/evilness in them after I drained all of myself to them, I might flip the switch completely. Fortunately that almost never happened to me. But it's something I need to work on to improve.
Also, the numbers might get exchanged or intertwined, but generally I found this is my thought process of friend making.
Ok but I'm an infj and I'm the first two people you mention you dislike.. so what does that mean 😭 I do have a wall to protect myself I think that is wise in general to do that imo/ to go slow with relationships and friendly rather than share everything and everything at once or in the beginning..
and I also don't simply give information that I find redundant or uninteresting . So as a result I think I'm perceived that way but I do desire deeper conversations rather than small talk of happenings and circumstances
Sounds like you’re volunteering info right now :) INFJS have a wall yes, but I find over time, it will come down if you’re patient.
I'm an ENFP...always in my feels...especially around an INFJ. Vulnerability, like extreme vulnerability, comes super naturally. What is it about vulnerability from another person that you need? Like, why do you need that from the people in your life? What does it do for you?
Hi. Enfp as Well. Attachment Healing from Avoidant (selfreliant) Style. I personally get along Well with intp, intj, have fun stuff, easy Go with Esfp, but would Like to find more "Real Life" Connections with enfp, infp, infj, Enfj, coz I feel an Spiritual emotional Lack of Connection there. IT simply feels good to Connect that way. Adhd (maybe enfp) Simon Sinek speaker hast recent Video about shared vulnerability.
4 me vulnerability never came naturally, coz of overthinking, Ratio, avoidant,...and Lack of allowing myself Feelings, plus communicating those clearly (Like Infp Miss Sometimes to communicate, Fe their internal World of Feelings).
Do U know your attachmentstyle? Are you good at talking about your Feelings? Greets. 💕😊
@@SeelenTaucher Hey! Not completely sure about attachment my style but with an INFJ, I melt. I'm theirs. That's all! LOL
My INFJ friend will NOT volunteer info. At all. Everything is initiated by me. What books have you read? None. Whats on your mind? Nothing much. What have you been up to? Nothing worth reporting. The kicker is HE reaches out to ME first. And evades all my attempts to engage. Someone please decode this 😅
You're so right about the darkness.. we live in a fallen world we need God period . Don't think we should dismiss that observation & dark feelings at all.
Half my dark observations these days are about Christianity and Christians, so I’m not sure if we want to go there :)
@@ClayArnall Well I've had my own way finding Jesus from an airy fairy occult background so I 100 get it. Struggled with this too. Darkness within Christianity religion and Christians no doubt. Humans are humans they can claim God all they want they still humans and capable of evil in the end. Can't judge God that way.. real christians have an understanding of their OWN darkness and fix that (get right with God) rather than point out another's sins. But as to the relationship itself & what's objectively right and wrong, I found that truth is often an uncomfortable process not many is willing to take on.
@@ClayArnall because of those same feelings and observations, I lost 'christian faith' and became a whole, another person who now has a totally new perspective on the world/society.
I am now more in tune with my spiritual side of me, and have a clearer and foucused mind now, feel free again, can handle people with more wisdom. I had been the worst version of me when I was "christian". It gave me lots of depression, paranoia, anxiety, judging and hateful emotions. Obviously, this religion/faith was not for me. However, if it causes good traits in other people, good for them. I simply have to listen to my own intuition and let it guide, and for me, this is love and freedom, not something outside of me. Good luck in your life journey, and remember to always be kind to yourself, Clay.
So, are you suggesting that one should not judge friendship on intuition:?)
I am extreme on the intuitive scale, but I have also made unfortunate mistakes on this issue:?( I am looking forward to the comments posted.
Intuition is not to be ignored. That is your true, personal guide.
I'd love to have a bestie who's infj who's local to me. That would be a dream I think
🥺 Feel U bro. Also wished to know a face to face Brother Like Clay or Heidi Priebe or Simon Sinek or Carl Jung and many other NF. Which topics do U Miss Most to BE Talked about with Humans? I Miss the more Soulbased and global Holistic Approach of all Matters of Human Mind, Soul, Heart. Blessings. 🌎🌟
You've described an enfp
Do U know Ur enneagram? Enfp 9w1 asking. Greets 😊
I'm an INFJ and I'm not interested in divulging my whole life to someone, I'd rather listen. You get the requirements as we move forward. Are you also an Aquarius ♒ s well? Loyalty is #1.
That would be a leo person. We are very loyal people.
Does it really exist in any way ?😊 1:05
Out of all of this video the one thing that just suddenly resonated with me, is its the first time I saw that you wear a thumb ring lol. So do I.
Somewhat amusing but probably irrelevant is yours is black and you talking about the dark side. I have a dark side but I feel mine has a more silver lining to it, hence a silver ring. 🤣Not to be taken seriously lol.
The best part is you hold your hand up, showing the ring, aka showing your dark side, aka - You are actively talking about it at the time in video. Obviously you talk expressively regardless but there was a very specific moment you clearly show it as talking about the topic.
I know the meaning of my ring and makes me ponder my body language around it. Im not taking what im saying seriously in regards to yours, just amusement at observation.
I definitely hide my dark side