The INFJ Door Slam Revisited
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2024
- In this video, I take another look at the INFJ Doorslam. Specially, I wanted to explore the aftermath of the infamous door slam, and how people on the other side might view the INFJ's actions.
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INFJ Slam is for takers. INFJ gives and gives till sucked dry. The slam is a survivor technique to get the vampires off of your neck.
Bullshit..
Well that’s on you for associating with vampires....isn’t it.
@@billyb4790 True, but I learned. That takes experience. I slam a lot faster now. As soon as I figure out there's a vampire, SLAM.
@H J Not for me. I slammed those doors too.
@H J What a kind and empathic comment. Thank you for your words of wisdom. God bless.
I think as an INFJ, the doorslam is just , for me, kind of reclaiming my energy
Best comment 🙏🏾
Of course a toxic person isn't going to understand that we refuse to be abused anymore and blame it on us.
Constant misunderstandings in a relationship probably means that you are dealing with a manipulative person who doesn't WANT to hear you. The person DOES UNDERSTAND you...they don't want to hear it.
Yup. They are to smart to not understand. We don’t just befriend dumb people.
Totally agree. A better plan would be to learn not to get in too deep with these people in the first place - that removes the need for door slamming. I’m working on that now. My theory is that as INFJs we see people in terms of their potential, not their actual, and then we’re disappointed when they aren’t interested in living up to their potential. So learning to really look at what someone is actually delivering will help us keep from over-investing…
YES!!!! Absolutely correct.
As you said, by the time the door slam happens, the receiver has ignored the truth, and likely failed to give the truth. You can't keep talking once trust is broken.
Those were my final words to someone before the door slam = "You know truth is a wonderful thing."
It would be nice to think they pondered on that.
Exactly
I just get exhausted and frustrated with the fact that:
1. You don’t appreciate/care to see me trying; and
2. Your unwillingness to try too
I feel like I’m wasting my time with someone that is ungrateful (or at the least, you just want to be chased).
It feels unwelcoming and damn near like you don’t like me. I feel like we are so unegoistic that we don’t mind putting our pride to the side to initiate the conversation (even when we’re hurt). But if not reciprocated, it almost feels like you took a piece of me and said f**k you all at the same time.
& it’s further irritating because in a world full of prideful people that have egos bigger than the sun, here I am PURPOSELY not trying to be that.
I feel like a lot of people are not understanding or don’t care to see the other person’s side. A lot of people just want you to listen to their side of things. And here I am…
I think two things happen during this process. The complete detachment for protection, along with a sudden disinterest in the person. They occur simultaneously. I have found whenever I doorslam someone, I usually don't care about them anymore. I've given up. Thats what betrayal of any description does to an INFJ. All the best. Belinda xx
💯
Personally it can effect me a long time after. Not usually good thoughts.
Usually I’m door slamming because they have decided they hate me, or there is something about me they can no longer stand. Somehow they feel like I have betrayed them or misrepresented myself. Maybe in my attempt to fit in, I come across as fake instead of insecure. So, I just assume all the fault, and doorslam for their own benefit so they don’t have to bother with snubbing me,
@@randomgirl8078 I've never had anyone turn on me because of a doorslam. That's usually for another reason. What usually occurs afterwards is a complete denial of their actions or so much remorse that they try for years to repair the disconnection. But by then I'm done. All the best!
@@user-xg2pd3ek9u Yes. It affects me too. Definitely bad thoughts but it's usually about them. Sometimes I'll wonder what part I might have played in the saga, but by then it doesn't matter. I just don't care about the person anymore and I'm glad the battle's over. .
Its more about being betrayed, then being misunderstood.
Being betrayed goes beyond misunderstanding. That person does an act that cuts you to core, stabs you in the back,, not caring about you at all, threw you out to save just themselves.
Exactly
Yes!
What you shared was so spot on and insightful, thank you
That is so true
I always warn people now: Don’t Betray me.
I literally give them an instruction manual before we forge a friendship. They learn QUICKLY or not at all.
Sometimes they Betray me by simply Not Listening To Me. Or calling me a liar. Or being a fake friend.
Door slams are me saving myself. When someone brings a lot of narcissistic energy, I curb my interaction with them. It’s best not to feed them. It is hard on me, maybe harder than it is for the other person. I am not naturally guarded, but I have spent a lifetime being the feed for several narcissists.
“I don’t have anything to say” this sums it up. Fellow INFJ here. Timely video 😁🙂
I have been in several situations when I am acutely aware that I’m either being taken advantage of, or in a toxic situation. I am trying to give the other person the opportunity to change…It rarely works. For me, that’s what triggers the door slam.
The Fire analogy explained the process perfectly Clay. I must admit, I have had to use the door slam on many people I hoped I wouldn't have to. It really is our last resort and we use it for self preservation, protection and so many failed attempts to restore a relationship that was likely dead before we really accepted it.
yeah not a bad analogy for coming up with it on the spot :)
@@ClayArnall couldn't agree more!
Leading up to a door slam I can actually feel the chambers of my heart closing quietly one by one till the final slam and then it’s over, trust is severed beyond repair.
It makes for a difficult situation when children are affected. Wishing you peace and happiness.🙏
'My ability to smalltalk completely evaporates!' 😂😂
You actually are in my head!
That was good because it is so true 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Mines also 🤣🤣🤣🤣
As an INFJ gets older the door slam doesn't happen less frequently. It just happens way earlier in a relationship. Your are not willing/able to take sh*t like before
Absolutely! I have FOAFS often. The extroverted empathy fields pick up the ‘ugly’ and it’s over before a hello. No masks worn as is and someone comes in at me sideways? 😂😂
I’m okay with ice queen.
Thank you, Clay. It’s good to hear from you again. I’m glad you’re covering the INFJ door slam again. I swear at least 90% of my relationships (love, friends, work, etc) have ended this way. I’ve been working on myself over the last few years and part of that has been trying to shut those doors more peacefully. But it’s not easy. Especially when I’m feeling completely unheard or taken advantage of. You’re absolutely right though, once I don’t care I really just don’t have the energy for any type of interaction with someone. Other than saying “yeah, I don’t care”. I’m sure I’ve hurt my reputation many times in that manner but that’s also why I tend to not put myself out there as much as I could. Anyway…thanks again. Hope we hear from you again soon. Take care.
This is one thing I have struggled with in my life. Knowing when it's ok to let someone go but dealing with the extreme amount of empathy you still feel towards the other person even tho the healthy thing for all involved is to cut them off. Sometimes the people we love just are not good for us and loving them from a distance is the only way we can do what's good for us and still be able to sleep well at night knowing we did our best
You do not have to love them, if love is not there, or has long been gone. If there is no love, there is no hope, and if there is no hope, it os time for a door slam. This is very logical and simple. We do not have to pretend, just let people and situations go.
As a very shy INFJ myself, I totally got your points and have done the same. I door slammed my "friends", my exes and recently my colleagues. There have been incidences they just treated me like I'm not that important for the team/projects -- my work-related questions rarely get answered (we communicate through Slack) while others people's questions, which were asked after mine, get answered. Now, I've just developed this "f*** it" attitude -- like I don't get the answer I asked, you don't get any deliverables from me.
I’m so tired of being told I’m not a nice person by unkind people who despise me because they can never understand me or even make the effort. I just smile and reply “thank you for the nice compliment. You know who else isn’t very nice? GOD. ( slam)
I’m an INFJ and I’m a gradual back off. Said people usually don’t realize they’ve been dropped until I am not emotionally/physically available to help in their next time of need.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a door slam of another XNFJ. He quietly exited my life in the same way that I have had to do to a few people. It definitely left me with sadness and disappointment, but I also recognized that I couldn’t meet his needs in our friendship. I have love for this person, and I hope that he is fulfilled in all of his other relationships in a way that I could not provide.
I’m not sure how other types view the receiving end of the door slam. I understand it and therefore have never felt a sense of anger. As the receiver of the door slam I feel the same sense of “release” as I do being the initiator of the door slam.
This couldn’t be more perfect timing. I just door slammed someone recently after trying to compromise for nearly a year and needless to say, he’s completely confused and feels attacked. Thank you for taking the time to explain this ❤️
😂 right, the start crying about how devastating and blind sided they are, like you know dam well you were using me… save the dramatics
There's also a possibility of deception from the other part where they pretend to be clueless. You can't always take things at face value. Explicitly stating that you want to put in as little as possible into a relationship and you are working at what that minimum level is, isn't strategic. It's like a hidden negotiation.
This cluelessness adds insult to injury, but admitting it also reveals a unpleasant personality of usury. So their stuck.
I'm skeptical of people who claim to value a relationship a lot, but are willing to do very little that actually costs them something real other than cheap words.
So basically a door slam is an anti exploitation mechanism, after gathering enough information a conclusion is reached and any attempt at renegotiation afterwards is seen as coming from a exploitative person.
The coldness is justified since all trust is broken.
That's why we stop talking under such circumstances because it has been proven useless.
As an INFJ , after the last door slam, I decided to pay attention to and watch people’s actions much much more. In the past I would trust people’s words but here’s the thing, if peoples words and actions do not align there is an issue there. It can be helpful to INFJ to see that sooner/earlier on in the relationship (any kind of relationship). A relationship can be close in our eyes but not on theirs.
I've always had the ability to suddenly and completely cut all ties with people no matter how close they were to me, after they've done something I deem unforgivable.
And it always scared me and made me question have I ever really cared- but now I know that yes, I have cared, I give it my 100% and when I sense any kind of betrayal whether be it friends or love interests, I withdraw completely and would usually forget all about them in a short period of time.
Edit: Needless to say that your delivery of this was seamless and beautiful, you are captivating, and for someone that speeds up their videos to the max because I'm impatient, I actually sat down throughout the whole video. Kudos love xx
My personal thoughts on an alternative reason: considered the "door slam" to be rather a method to PROTECT OTHERS by retreating without having to explain all the things "wrong" that would leave a person devastated? That perhaps it is an act of compassion to retreat and leave the other in a more intact state than utilising precise honesty derived from clear insight that may perceived as more dangerous an act to apply? Extract ones self from a hopeless situation and perhaps there is no perceived value in communicating because it had fallen on deaf years.
If people valued honesty, as honesty is a feedback mechanism, if society taught such values in encouraging it to be common and acceptable practice, perhaps it would be an acceptable way of communicating that could lead to mutual growth. Honesty had been devalued and recognized as a thing that causes pain, and people are pain avoidant, self accountable avoidant. It is possible that some may intuit that this honesty that they could spend as a currency is devalued, rejected and taken as criticism and an attack and do not want others to feel that, despite having been trespassed upon or violated, exercise compassion in withdrawing from a person. Like when we bang our head against a brick wall, is pointless. Some reach that conclusion faster, easier and either feel it pointless to explain that it is a brick wall because people do not like to feel or be told that they are like they are brick walls or like children.
It is possible to "doorslam" in a romantic relationship. It is a mental separation from attachment to the person so that one can internally have some time and space to orient their stance or, create distance for self preservation. Than distance while in a relationship would allow a sort of objectivity to decide something.
In the popular view : It is perceived as a sudden thing this doorslam but it is possibly, experienced by the not so aware people(not critisizing) which is probably why if the Type doorslams someone, they may feel like the other person would not care as much anyway because if they did care as much they would have tried to address the pain points in the relationship to make a happy place for both. The value of nurture, grow, respect each other as a value is valued and upheld by one and not the other = doorslam = Dealbreaker. It is also the same type of response that is advised as to how to deal with a NPD, no contact. Or if someone cheats, lies, betrays your reputation (does not have your best interest at heart and is not capable of) etc. if a person feels abused and the other is not willing to do anything about it, then remove yours or their presence. It should leave the other questioning what happened but often times, they are not self aware or introspective types and so then misunderstand and say things like "wow, how petty and immature!"
Yet they would never consider the strength it takes to stick around and endure 3 slaps, and what it takes to speak up and say " hey that is not cool, that hurts, stop doing that, It is going to push me away, are you aware that you are inflicting pain on me, is it your intention?", on the 6th, the INFJ, delves into why people slap, even ask the person why they do that hurtful thing and really try to show the person that it is not something any one should have to endure and hope to have a dandy relationship, while in the same breath, probably trying to help the slapper understand why they slap and that it has bad consequence on the slapper too. 10th time, tolerance reached, INFJ says no to self sacrifice, decides that late to put themselves first and exits or cuts the other off, but INFJ is left looking overreactive, over sensitive, cold, brutal etc. People have a right to protect themselves by all means. Call a rose by any other name, a rose is still a rose.
Perhaps, call abusive/shitty behaviour what we want to, it still is just that, and the response is going to be the same.
This is exactly where my marriage is right now. I suggested therapy back in August so that we could work on things, but he only agreed to go now that I've said I'm done. I don't know where to go from here and the counseling seems pointless now.
This is sooo me. Once it’s done, I have nothing else to share. When it’s done, it’s really done.
I was on vacation, out of the country, when I was verbally attacked by a "friend". This person attacked me three different times one evening. After the final attack, I stood up, left the house, and flew back home. Some people are committed to misunderstanding and are unwilling, or perhaps incapable, of comprehending/understanding the truth of a situation. The door is permanently closed.
When I doorslam, I consider that the past life karmic debt that led to our relationship has now been paid, that continuing with the person would only generate negative karma for which we would suffer in the future, and that it's best for both of us that the relationship end immediately. I don't tell them that, as they wouldn't understand or or wouldn't believe it. Trying to explain to them that they were abusive doesn't help much because they would try to defend themselves, which is only a waste of our time and energy.
Very insightful, I agree 100%. As an INFJ, isn’t it funny when people are baffled by the disappearance of care. When I reach the point of doorslam, I am disappointed. Hence all the sparkles are gone. I can be amicable, but they don’t see the same side of the coin anymore.
After I’ve door slammed someone and they try to come back I just hear the noise of flat lining …DOA.
It's good to see someone that deals with the same thing and that is trying to understand how this works and it's not in idealization of what being an INFJ is, that can accept their light an shadow side to complete.
People that seems this as egoisthical and fake, they are not seing how they hurt us, how they took us to the point of wanting and expecting nothing more from this person. Is like in their minds we are supposed to swallow every little single bs they throw to us without punching back.
After realizing that I decided that if I'm going to be the bad person anyway, so at least I will choose the option that I will be in peace with msyself
I've slowly been shutting out my in laws because they've been continuously disrespectful to me since my son was born. I really don't want to door slam them for my husband and son's sake but I am slowly distancing myself from them. I'm hoping I can just see them occasionally to keep the peace and not door slam them completely even though they deserve it.
As an INFJ I can say I did doorslam people that were really close to me, but now I'm realizing that just happened after a gruesome and constant strive for resolution, to understand, to try to find common ground. They were narcisistic people. It was so.. draining. I remember that "breaking point" moment. I even felt scared of how "cold and hollow" It felt. This thought crossed my mind: "I must be some kind of heartless being if I can switch to this mode right away. Something must be wrong with me". But understood that was a self preservation move after enduring a HELL of a relationship, and trying everything. Gladly I found info on the matter and these kind of videos really helped. Thank you so much for covering this!
Incredibly relatable, as per usual. I'm sure other people appreciate, as I do, you opening up and revealing aspects of the INFJ psyche through your personal lens. In my experience, the hardest part of relationships where the INFJ does the heavy lifting and the other person doesn't really reciprocate to the desired level is that often times as the relationship goes on, we become accustomed to hollowing ourselves out and making space for the other person such that they wouldn't be able to recognize our needs if we told them. Since I never fully open up emotionally, it's easy for me to get to a place where the other person is unconsciously dependent on my validation. I recently doorslammed someone who had considered me his best friend since middle school. He reacted defensively and spitefully, as I knew he would, when I told him that I needed some space and that there were some things about our relationship that didn't sit well with me. Deep down I always new our friendship was transactional and that the nature of his transactions (fancy dinners, gifts, alcohol, etc.) did not fulfill me and deep down contributed to a lifestyle of material excess in his life that negatively influenced me.
As INFJs we would do best to truly discover and outline our values and boundaries, as well as to be exceptionally careful of whom we let into our lives.
I’m an INFP but I’ve experienced the door slam, and it hurt. I really can’t understand the rationale behind it. When I am done with someone I will have it out with them, or try to explain my point of view :/ thanks for explaining the process! It helps to know what went on
THIS was really excellent. I laughed out a loud a few times. Very relatable like you were reading my thoughts.
In regards to you pondering on whether we could potentially have a softer landing when it comes to the doorslam, for me personally, if I don't keep that door shut tight, there is too great of a risk my empathetic self will begin to infect my "decision" . The only way for me is to keep them at a very cool distance via seldom social media check-ins years and years after the slam.
Another thing I wanted to add was that when I have tried to give a softer door close, I feel as though I am betraying myself. It goes against my entire being which is usually demanding complete disengagement.
hmm interesting thought actually
I strongly agree, Isla!
“feel as though Im betraying myself” - Exactly! Well said! ✅
We can still care deeply about the very person we are angry with and still cut them off. But we know you don’t deserve us.
Thanks for your thoughts and videos Clay. Wishing you health and happiness.
True, I thought door slamming is only because of my personality, but it seems most to all INFJ do that. It surprises me when he says "Very compassionate to very cold". Yeah, it happened to me. After the door slam, I don't want to talk, know, and care about them. HECK, even I hide their statuses in Whatsapp and IG.
I've been aware of the door slam for a while, yet its always nice to hear other INFJ speak about it. This video found me at an important time. I am excited to check out other videos on your channel! Thank you for the insight!
Good to see you back. I enjoyed the video, great insight. The most intriguing was at the end, “the soft landing”. People need people and relationships. It is useful to see how being done may appear from the outside, it is a blind spot while going through it.
Thank you. I’ve found that your videos help me understand my own personality and interpersonal relationships better than anything else ever has.
Fellow INFJ here…. Your “fire analogy” resonates. I view my past door slams as the only way I know to be CONGRUENT IN MY SOUL after much effort to resolve the conflicts.
The fire has gone out. No wood will bring it back to life. Best to just take my love, energy & passion to those relationships & friendships that are still alive & burning.
In my heart it’s a REALISTIC response - not a CALLOUS response.
Brillant ✨ Thank you❤️🔥
Love to all my fellow INFJ’s out there!!! 🥰🥰🥰
dude thank you so much for this. hearing you talk about it has given me peace about performing a recent doorslamming. and thanks for being vulnerable.
Why is this so spot on!!!!!!! Thank you for this.
I just finished this video, and WOW.
Perfection❤.
The unexplainable explained Perfectly.
This was super interesting to watch. Something ive been trying to work on...is not allowing myself to get to a place where I need to self preserve with someone. Developing my Se has really helped - when I first meet someone...and in the presemt moment , I'm getting signs that this person may not have capacity to give of them selves...or connect emotional for whatever reason......I then find myself meeting them where they are at emotionally. This means if they are going through a tough time..Ill show some degree of empathy....but I won't put oodles of energy listening to the details etc.
Just went through this with someone. I think the other person is so shocked because they never really accepted who I was in the first place. They wanted to see what they wanted to see & how they wanted me to be. Now they can see ! - Now they want to try & fix it like you said. I chose to door slam on this case because I realized that maybe I never accepted who this person was & now that I have- I really cannot go forth & see any positive things come out of it.
Thank you for revisiting this topic, and sharing your experiences, Clay. I resonated with everything you said. When I have door-slammed people, it's like my body has taken over to help protect me from my mind/empathy overload. My body goes into paralysis - or a sort of freeze response necessary to stop me giving and giving. The letting go just happens by itself then. I can't think my way to that point though, and I can't trick myself into feeling a lack of care factor. It only happens when I'm almost at breaking point from the constant trying to fix and create harmony. I wish I could get to the letting go a lot earlier to avoid the absolute depletion phase, but the compassion and empathy is strong. It's scary as an INFJ to empathise with those that hurt you. Having compassion for why they are the way they are has been so dangerous for me. I'm working on how to let go when I have the intuition to do so - not overriding that feeling until the door-slam is the only option for self-preservation. Wishing you all the best. Thank you again for your videos.
This video helped me a lot, thank you. It's nice to see you back as well, I love your content and talks.
Can totally relate. I would add: loss of faith in the process/relationship, disenchantment, used every single resource I had and did my best to make it work.
Also , what you are doing here is very helpful. You are the most genius infj on the internet.
I do appreciate you very much.
Love and some more love..
Thank you Clay, your videos share so much insight and have helped me understand myself on a deeper level. I’ve watched almost all your videos by this point and it’s helped me immensely during this time of change in my life
Great to see you. Yes the invasion and headlines alone are horrific.
Thank you Clay. Your channel is providing me key insights I need as an INFJ.
I just had to door slam a person I consider to be an intj. I have to see him around, but after a year of trying unsuccessfully to have anything more than a disjointed, intensely awkward relationship, I realized it's never going to improve. I like your analogy of setting it free. That's exactly what I'm doing for my sanity, and to expand energy on people who act as if they want a relationship with me. Thanks for this video. Having just made that decision, it was nice to see someone verbalize it, and I feel a little better. ❤
I haven't ever found anyone before who gets this! Thank you so much. Omg the thing about feeling understood....its happening right now!!! You understand me! 🥳 🌈 Literally first person ever!
😂😂😂
Amazing video and words 🙌🤍
This happened with me and another INFJ, we were both mentally checked out and outgrew each other not for lack of love but we just knew it was over.
Hi Clay!, glad to see another upload! As an INTP I somehow relate a lot to this. I'd say for me before I slam the door on someone I establish boundaries and than I observe how the person treats my boundaries whether it's beat around the bush or full on ignore they will get the door slam.
Hello Clay. Subject timing, perfect, as usual. Over the past two extremely polarizing years, almost ALL my coals have gone out. I’ve never been more locked up in self-preservation. My thought loops about how this is seen from the outside weighs heavy. I see that along with the release of the stress through door slam, comes another kind of inner stress. Seeking to understand myself. Can I fix this? Am I too harsh? Why am willing to stop? Observing the effects I create AND their outcome I can find no peace in severing completely. Just a “change” in the style,… of deep dive exploration. Time is not the remedy. Being self contained, isn’t living clean. As always, Thank You. Your honest look at our mental struggles somehow helps me. I’ve lived through the legal nightmare as well. Changes everything. Good Luck going forward.
"giving in" was the perfect description. I feel like I've given up completely on trying to improve the situation and I've lost and it's time to move on... this doesn't always have to be a personal relationship, it can also be a job or even an entire industry.
Spot on as always Clay
I find that I door slam involuntarily….like there was that one straw that broke the camels back. I find I am at a point of no return. It is self preservation though. Safety mechanism. Thank you for all your efforts in helping explain all this. It helps to put names to things…like “door slam “.
I think it is not hard for us because we don’t need others for validation or understanding. And when the other person just causes pain, we have nothing to lose.
nice to see you again :) a rather minor doorslam (just stopped talking to my coworker except when necessary because he was bullying me) i think actually lost me my job recently. ended up getting a better one pretty much immediately, and now i don't have to see him any more, so it went pretty well all things considered. i think maybe because i'm getting more confident due to my good relationship and living situation, it hasn't bothered me nearly as much as other times. i feel empathy in a sense because i know he was bullying me because he felt inadequate and thought we needed to compete, and when i wasn't treating him like a superior and making a huge effort to make him comfortable he felt inferior, but we kind of both got what we wanted in the end. coparenting sounds rough. i was in an extremely toxic relationship about five years back and i can't imagine how stressful it would be to have to interact with the guy in any capacity. you're very right about someone who would get doorslammed not wanting to watch a video like this, the only people i've found have the patience for them are other infjs, which isn't a bad thing at all, it's such a releif to have the space to explore this stuff without people calling me overanalytical X)
Everything you say is spot on
I appreciate you talking about your experiences. I know when I left my ex of 20 years I was seen by most people who knew both of us as cruel and harsh for not staying in contact or giving them another chance to fix things. I had spent so much energy trying to fix things, and at that point fixing it would have meant building the fire from scratch (a perfect analogy) and I just didn't have the desire or energy to do that. I tried at first to be cordial and available as they were working through their grief but all they wanted to do was continue to take their anger out on me, so I had to go no-contact. I am glad we didn't have children and could make a clean break. I have a great deal of empathy for people in that situation, it seems like it would require a tremendous amount of emotional strength to learn how to co-parent with someone who is unable to understand you. Ideally we can become healthy enough emotionally to avoid getting into relationships that lead to door slamming, but I'd guess most INFJs have to learn that lesson by experience first.
INFPs also door slam (or ghost) when pushed too far. At that point, there is no guilt. It is totally for self protection when boundaries have been abused.
Big time 😁
It took me years to reach the conclusion you explained in twenty minutes. Thank you Sir!
Yes indifference is the best way to get rid of others and mastering this will help you achieve your goals in your life. A true INFJ needs nothing from anyone else in this life.
min 4:17 to 4:37 THANK YOU, yeah, absolutely! They are thinking we are cold and we have been for ages trying to work on that relationship, talk to them, etc etc. We just finally understood that it will never change. And there are two perspectives but the problem is that we generally tend to be with people who don't and won't see things from our perspectives. So this is just us, standing in our perspective firmly.
I did slam the door and it still takes quite a lot of time for us to really understand if we are "doing the right thing" or "were we not seeing something else that maybe may explain all of this, and thus finally came to a common solution?", so even after lots of years I find myself coming back and forth with it ( this is only our way of trying to find coals and making it everything our own responsibility, but the reality is relationships are done with 2 people, not one, so all this relationship does not depend completely on our hands). But I always remember that it still was the best decision that I could have ever done and I find myself being thankful for having ended that.
I know you didn't ask for any advice on your situation so I hope you don't take it bad for me doing so. Like I understand about that goal you mentioned, I just personally think that that is you trying to force yourself and fast forward yourself into being alright with that person, like rushing through your internal process, the process of having felt hurt and then shutting down as any other person would do to protect yourself, and like you are rushing that process and want that to be over because you realize you need something else and due to how you are acting and behaving you can not achieve this other thing you would like, but the thing is that subconsciously your priority at this stage is protection. I understand what you mean here, I'll share something personal. I realized looking back, that there was this time in which I was having this complicated coworker (and yeah this was somebody that was never going to care for my needs, what I thought, felt, etc) and I remember at that time that since I had to be working with that persona all the time and for many years, I pulled off my best self and it was done, all because I knew that I couldn't drop my job and I decided that if we are going to have to be sharing the space all the time then I would rather make it more "enjoyable" and not something so uncomfortable all the time...and I did that, but most of the time I was angry, and I also let many things slide because I knew "she wasn't capable of understanding or caring for anybody else" ( and I say that like that because now I see that even if that is the case, I should not be the one taking charge for that). In short, it sucked! And I realized now, that what was needed was for me to not fear conflict to be able to tell into people's faces that I don't like them, and stand my ground without going for empathy because we need to understand that we don't have to use empathy in all and every field indiscriminately, it MUST be used with discernment. So I would say is about making it VERY clear for them that we didn't like something or that it hurt us, instead of going straight into empathy mode. That is NOT sane of ourselves. Is about showing them our ANGRY side more often, because (another thing that I've learned) FEAR and anger are TOOLS TO EXPRESS BOUNDARIES, and we need to state clearly those boundaries.
So in answer to how you appear warmer while going through all of this, I personally would say you don't have to, there is no need for that, you are hurt, things are going on in your inside, this IS your process. So ask yourself, why do you want that? And when the answer comes up, check what are your priorities.
Also if it is about the lawyers, I would say, you have to be willing to be known as the bad person (although, at the same time, I wouldn't say that to act cold makes you a bad person, but yeah society has this thing that if you appear to be cold you are probably the bad one...so yeah, I understand about the reputation part, I would say to not get so caught up in that cause you will never be able to convince everyone of who you are, so it will always be out of your control. Yet again I understand reputation is a thing and quite important, especially socially, but yeah...you got the point)
Lastly, regarding your interest and desire of "wanting to talk things with her to be on the same page" ...like I get you...but...I think is about you understanding you are NOT anymore on the same page with her, and stop INSISTING AND TRYING to reach a common ground with her. Understanding this is NOT an option, and that NOT ALWAYS COMMUNICATION is the best way to go ESPECIALLY NOT with people that don't want to communicate with you nor listen.
I know all of this is hard. I'm sorry.
I hope some of this helps you.
Love your videos
that was well done thanks
I was about to ask you - "when are you uploading next?" :). Anyway, loved this video as much as I loved the earlier one on Door Slam. I have grown out of my crash landing days, with a lot of effort. The upside of that is that I no longer come off as dramatic, the downside is I have to be super cautious about boundaries and attachments. Agree with what you said about reputation, it impacts our acceptance in the community, and not just in the business community. We need acceptance/reputation to inspire a change or lead a cause too.
Hey Clay. I really like the perspective taking. This can help with empathy for sure. The handful of times that I've done the "door slam" are because I was dealing with narcissistic-like behavior. I knew the situation was impossible and I was not interested in a back and forth that gets nowhere but gaslighty. I've actually found the only way to deal with a narcissist is to completely stop all and any communication. My two cents. 😉
I had to do so many Door Slams, and alway it felt it was not my choice. You warn very gently a person don't hurt me, but that person for some reason believes You would continue to tolerate misbehaver of him/her forever, and You don't have choice and will to continue explaining something to person who never understand or get it.
❤this video was so refreshing, insightful and confirmation...😮😢❤😂so helpful! One of my theme songs after door slam which I don't like but better understand after many years 🎶IF YOU DONT KNOW ME BY NOW 🎶 YOU WILL NEVER EVER EVER KNOW ME 🎶❤
Just found your channel and saw your excellent explanation of what science is. Thanks! I just wanted to relate to your first reflection about the war in Ukraine and people's mindsets and world views. Have you looked into the theory of Spiral Dynamics, or the work about integral theory by Ken Wilber, that builds upon this theory? This has been very eye-opening for me, as we as humans and our actions are patterns that I think need to be understood from a combination of systems, MBTI being one.
My frieeeeend, a new video, yay
Thanks very much Clay for this video. "The aftermath of the door slam"...I have just door slammed my work colleagues it's, about 10 days now that I have turned ice cold. Emotionally they are deleted, whatever I cared about does not matter anymore. I have backed off, am gone and peaceful; All I say when I really have to respond is "Noted Thanks / Hi how are you all/ Bye all". I'm intrigued about what you call the aftermath. They are individually small talking me, some try to reach out through WhatsApp but it's not worth it on my side. All those attempts are bothering me and come across a restlessness from their part. I've learnt something new from what you are saying. I expected them to be done with me, the same way I am done with them; And I was about to tell them to get a chill just like me. Now I get it, I'm the one who has door slammed, not them. As for easing things or doing it softly, "I don't know 😐😐
I appreciate your videos. Still trying to figure myself out 😂
I feel so acknowledged
I see 'being made to feel obliged to do smalltalk' by someone as a form of gaslighting. Having that 'nothing to see here' thing perpetuated against my will. How does one object to that without seeming cold? 🤐
Yeah, I've found when I do this that it takes allot to get me at that point. However other people can tell immediately, such a total opposite behavior. I just don't know how i can even muster the care enough to try and hide it.
This is my entire life right now, even though we are just starting the process (and just living in separate rooms under the same roof), so thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry you've had to go through this, as well.
Behaving in a warm, civil manner for the kids is typically easy enough for me until the other person forgets the major issues. My door slam/cutting him out completely in an emotional manner actually seems to make him believe that I've let him off the hook for his lying, cheating, manipulating, gaslighting, and otherwise bad behavior, and so it actually appeals to him as an emotionally-unavailable person, so he begins catching feelings, or acting as if I'm the only reason everyone can't be happily together (because hey, he's happy-no one's questioning him or requiring any standard of behavior anymore, so why aren't I happy too?), or says he wants to work on repairing the relationship, only to realize that he's not actually willing to do the real work or change the behavior, and the entire cycle just keeps repeating itself. It makes me so angry that this person only ever thinks of themselves and their selfishness/emotional immaturity repeatedly causes harm to the people who really wanted to work it out in the first place.
I almost feel like if I'm not cold enough to the other person (even in my own mind) either they or I will get the wrong idea, or slip back into hoping things will work out, and this just naïvely gets the kids' hopes up, as well, only to have everyone hurt and disappointed again when we are unable to maintain a normal relationship.
It's hard to put on a good face around a person who is manipulating everyone all the time, but I've also started to learn that how I behave in reaction to him will affect how both the kids and their wider community views me, as well. I don't like pretending everything's fine when someone is covertly or passive aggressive , but I also don't want to be subtly manipulated into being the bad guy or the jerk, either, and that's something that people like my husband are excellent at.
Best of luck to you and I would love more videos on this topic! I need as much advice as possible in this dumper fire. 🔥
I have been saying the exact same things about these topics for years and never knew what personality I was until last week. Door slams are one of the hardest things to do. I have torn myself into a million pieces and spent months of time torturing myself before I had to just shut it all down immediately.
Hey Clay, thank you for the video. It helped me gain an additional perspective to my own doorslams. I don't know if this advice is helpful for you, or if this is the same for you as it is for me. In regards to staying civil, I try to always have amicable breakups and to allow for open communication, even in the case when I've doorslammed someone. I try to think that, ofcourse, they have questions, and ofcourse, they have things that they want answered, and I try to make sure that they know that they can ask me anything and that I will try to be as honest as possible with them.
At the same time, I make no attempt to explain myself, or to rationalise my own decisions or behaviour. I answer by stating how I feel or what I want. After a doorslam, there is no room for bargaining the relationship anymore, it is over, and I am not going to explain or argue about it. I will state my intentions and feelings and let it be that. I think in the past, I resisted talking with people after a doorslam because I was afraid that they would use that space to try to negotiate a reopening of the relationship, or a toxic dynamic that I didn't want in my life anymore.
Ofcourse, they may try to do that, but if I resist explaining myself and arguing with them, and simply state my feelings in a non-negotiable manner, I set a clear boundary for them. Though sometimes I'll just tell people straight up to get out or to stop talking to me in a certain way if I'm not in the mood anymore. I'll still be cold for the most part though. I am an all or nothing person who directs all my fire in the direction of my passion and goals. If a person is no longer in that space anymore, the feeling is gone, too. I think for an INFJ, Extroverted Feeling is only allowed as long as it fits within the spectrum of Ni. Outside of that, you get the Ti or the Se "mask".
Hi! I'm your INTJ follower from Ukraine. Thank you for support! I wondered how would you react on it.
For me it was trying, trying, trying... Explaining, explaining, explaining...
Then the sudden realization that this person has no interest in understanding how they've been hurting you because what they've been doing benefits them. So you must decide between our needs and their needs. We give SO MUCH SO OFTEN -- but there comes a point where the door gets slammed.
Definitely used to door slamming in the past due to emotional stress or betrayal. Now it’s about diplomacy and knowing when someone needs to reciprocate. My biggest struggle is opening the door after it’s been shut. It’s easier for me to keep doors closed knowing I can trust certain people to only stay at the surface of a relationship if that makes sense.
Wow this video explained something about myself I never understood sooo well...
Welcome back Clay. Been missing your content. Hey I just learned a new psychology term in a book I’m reading called The Psychology of Money: reactance theory. This is brand new to me. I’m very interested in learning more because I believe it might play a big role in my life. I believe it might also play a role in the door slam. Have you heard of this term and do you foresee a future video exploring it? Thanks!
I’ve never heard of it actually!
So identified with all of this. I wrote a song about it (What’s the Point of Talking Now?)
No point once that door has slammed.
When I reached that pivotal point with my ex I knew I didn't want it to get toxic for my kids sake. I wanted us to seek counseling so he could get to a place where he wouldn't use his confusion/anger in a way that would harm our kids. Also while we didn't work out he wasn't a bad person.. we just weren't a good fit. Counseling didn't gain any more understanding for either of us but fortunately we could agree to be good parents for our kids. Unfortunately he couldn't stop himself from spewing his feelings to our kids but I can't control anyone else. I treated him the way I would want to be treated because I feel my actions shouldn't be governed by how I'm treated but by who I want to be and how I would like to be treated. My kids could also see that my intention was not to hurt their dad nor was any of it their fault. It wasn't an easy road but our kids weren't divorce casualties. I have a good relationship with their dad where there is consideration and caring.
Never noticed that’s what I did. Makes total sense. I definitely do that as an INFJ.
By the time I do the door slam is like I have closed that door and decided that the relationship is not healthy and I don't want anything to do with the person. I still try to be polite but keep my distance, if they insist I move to the second stage and can be harsh with ppl to make them go away if needed. I have been told that it looks like I never liked/loved them. But they don't understand that I gave my all and got to a point that I cannot give anymore.
You said it… it’s the people who don’t learn lessons until it’s too late are the most shocked. It’s always confusing to me how it’s possible for them to be surprised. From my perspective it’s very obvious it’s coming.
Even more insane is the way some people try to recover the relationship by more of the toxic behavior that caused it in the first place, for example, an ex attempting to make you jealous or starting rumors in attempt to control the way other perceive you. For me it just confirms even more so that I took the correct action.
Thank you for understanding me.
there was a girl I liked and she liked me, there was a clear lack of communication. One day I felt I was losing her so I decided to end on my own terms and act incredibly cold to her like I didn't even know her (at work).
Immediately i had regretted acting in such a way and know I caused a lot of mental and emotional distress, and despite efforts, that was the last time I saw her in person.
I instinctively get really polite if I have to still communicate with a person I have mentally door slammed. In some ways I may come across as actually more accessible when in reality I am done. I don't even care enough to be angry any more.
for me - when this happens - it is because I have nothing more to give; I am exhausted with trying to salvage the relationship; that is impossible if the other person refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem - they have actively ignored your attempts to resolve things. It is a survival instinct. It's painful - not something I wanted to do ...but in the end it felt like I had no choice and then once it happens - I cut off from the other person. I will no longer invest in a relationship that now feels empty (I am not getting my own needs me in this relationship) and am now depleted.