INFJs: Stop Obsessing Over What People Think About You
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- Опубликовано: 27 окт 2019
- Are you an INFJ that cares too much about what people think about you? It's something I've always struggled with and something that I've really been working on the last couple years. If you're a people pleaser that wants to start taking care of yourself instead, check out the video.
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"You cannot be authentic AND a people pleaser. They are opposites." This right here is what clicked for me. I value authenticity immensely, and hearing that along with my self awareness of my people pleasing habit put me in my place. Thank you.
Wow...exactly my thoughts as well. Ive learned by now that being authentic and honest is very important to me.
Well, i would put it, "you cannot be both at the same time"
love this guy!
Amen!
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
One of my all time favorite Albert Einstein quotes.
😮❤❤❤❤
I hate having Fe and absorbing other people's feelings.
It can be easy to focus on the negative and I think we’ve all been there, I just wanna let you know you’re a great human. So in moments of negativity/complaint understand how much you’ve positively affected others’ lives. You are worth more than you know and you deserve peace and love in your life - it all starts with you
I enjoy it when it's pleasant but it sure can be overload. When possible if I'm overwhelmed and possible to walk away I do when I need to
I have removed comments on YT many times, most often if they are ignored completely. I think at the root of an xNFJ our inner child's deeply felt emotional abandonment, drives us to seek connection with others, often by doing/being what we perceive they want. During childhood when we needed to be loved tenderly, especially in times of distress, our caregivers were not connected to us on an emotional level. One of the most healing and self-transformative practices I have cultivated is self-embracing. At times of emotional reactivity (or by purposefully connecting to split off parts of myself) bathing my heart in tender, powerful, embracing love - like a parent to a child, has released long held negativity, slowly revealing more of my true self over time. I'd recommend this practice for xNFJs ♥
This is great advice. Don't delete LOL
@@nllionel4926 Thank you so much for your kind comment :)
i had a wonderful upbringing but am still an INFJ-T.
Thanks for your comment. I had a similar upbringing and have always been a people pleaser. I have been working on healing my inner child too!
My upbringing was fine
"People respect confident people"
I have tried this feeling. I thought I was arrogant 😁 but I am just figuring out that it's the right thing
Im a people avoider 😂
Lol I love the minion's meme that says "I saw people through the window today, that's enough social interaction for the day!"
Lyli INFJ Learning Yourself haha! Yep! I sometimes crave for social interaction but then i realize its too draining for me 🤪
@@bastianrivero The paradox of being an INFJ lmfao xD Wanting to talk to people yet not actually talking to the people because sometimes we just can't. It's a wonder we ever do it lol
Lyli INFJ Learning Yourself our own mind is interesting enough 🤪
@@LillithElaina OMG that's what I often do because I actually enjoy "my own company". Solitude allows me to think about "Ideas" regarding my creative hobbies. And what INFJs are not is pretentious; We're authentic. As a retired senior I've finally overcome people pleasing. Not only do I get more respect, but I'm comfortable with not caring about what others think. I even had to rid my company of energy vampire-hater-relatives and so-called friends. Saying the word "No" is so much easier to say with age. Just one problem..sometimes I feel guilty about not missing them. No more do I try to "council" them with no progress. LOL Better late than never.
Omg thank you! As an INFJ, I can relate to every word. Gonna wear something weird this weekend lol
ha do it
Clay, I am so thankful for your content, is a job to stop being a people pleaser and what I do is spending less time with people as I feel hard to handel. I follow you and I do really feel than your content is really helpful. Warm regards from Barcelona, Catalonia.
Actually I descover about my INFJ personality tipe quite reaccenty. I would like to put more time in my passions, set bouderies and please myself instead of others.
Thank you! @Clay Arnall
My favorite thing to do after watching an INFJ video is going to the comments😂 Every comment section has essays in the comment section I love it hahah
Thank you for making this video, I really needed to hear this. Playing janitor to other people's comfort has caused me a great deal of unhappiness.
yeah feels so good to stop doing that
Same here, and what a great way to word it. It is like being a janitor and cleaning up other people's problems.
I've felt like a true shape shifter, and let me tell you honey I can play any part thrown my way except normal. Boring ✔💯😊
@@spring7643 great analogy
I deleted my blog because I was worried about what people thought. I don't follow the crowd, so my articles were against everything I've been taught my entire life. Twenty articles ....gone because I didn't want to be exposed.
INFJs : You are not responsible for other people's emotions.
INFPs: Other people are not responsible for your emotions.
That about sums it up for both types, which can both be very empathetic but in different ways.
Signed, an INFP.
hmm interesting. My mom is INFP actually :)
Yes, and so I also feel that INFPs have a stronger sense of self. Also, INFJs seem to me to be more value-relative and this can be seen as championing the underdog, shifting positions and seeing the motivations of the person who seems to others to be 'absolutely wrong'. In movies this translates to sympathising with the wrong-doer, where everyone around me is saying "punish him".
@@nllionel4926 infps (and isfps) definitely have a strong sense of self. I have found that more outwardly Ni-Fe infjs will question their identity or sense of self more than ones who are more Ni-ti. Both types can certainly gravitate toward rooting for the underdog, but tend to go about it differently.
@@nllionel4926 I wouldn't say stronger sense of self, moreso stronger as far as in tune with their feelings. The self is a different thing altogether, not solely one function. Also, I find both of this woman's example interesting because I'd say they're just two sides of the same coin.
It took me about 37 years-ish to stop being this way. Now at 40 I'm almost the opposite where I almost never do what people want me to do, sometimes to the point of looking like a selfish jerk lol. Why can't I find a middle ground?
It's probably because they were so used to you being the person who always said yes that when you finally decided to set your boundaries, now people are feeling entitled to you saying yes. So they're frustrated that THEY can't control you. It's hard at first but it does get easier over time! Hang in there, don't give in to their pushiness, you got this! (:
Love this!🥰 Let me add that INFJs do this because we both crave and misunderstand true HARMONY. Because of our external feeling, we are trying to harmonize ourselves by controlling our external world (people pleasing, hiding to feel safe, etc.). This struggle is an indication of a misplaced sense of control and a misunderstanding of what harmony actually IS.
When we attempt to harmonize by sacrificing our own well-being, we actually just took the conflict and stuffed it inside ourself. We simply relocated the conflict from our outer world to our inner world.😫 It feels crappy because I used to do this! This is NOT true harmony, and it is a painful way to live. Instead of trying to control the external, we should start cultivating harmony from WITHIN. This comes by being assertive, trusting ourselves, having courage and self respect to set good boundaries, releasing the illusion that we can control others by pleasing them, etc.
Once you feel confident and at home with yourself, you feel safe to be authentic and find true harmony with others. I used to avoid conflict at all costs, just stuffing things that bothered me inside. It sucked. I now prefer to address conflict quickly, especially within relationships. With people I don't care about, I don't bother. They just get the INFJ door slam. 😜😂 With people that are important to me, I choose to address conflict directly, with love, gentleness, ease and lots of grace. This is the only way to have true harmony.
OMG Yes! I definitely agree and came to a similar conclusion as well. It wasn't until I felt truly loved, appreciated, and comfortable in my environment that I actually felt like I could be who I was instead of being stifled by others or needing to control the world around me that it was my main focus instead of myself. It's been liberating being able to finally have this sort of feeling. Being able to share my "teddy bear" side (as I call it) has been like a blessing. I try to share with as many people as possible but it really just depends on how accepting I feel they are. But either way I still try to send love to everyone now, no matter what, because they have their own things going on and I'm not the one making their decisions. I could go on lol But overall just YES YES YES love this! So glad you've found it within you too and that you're a healthy INFJ now 💖🤗
Straight up wisdom.
I love the frame and camera angle and setting you have. It helps me concentrate on what you are saying and very relaxing. The blue tshirt helps too.
It is interesting the things you notice. It shows so much about your awareness. I know I like the video but I couldnt identify why like you have. Lovely.
Spoken like a true infj 😏
Sanhita, you are ISFP?
Thank youu guys. I am infj.
You're very welcome! 🏡🙂
A big yes to pushing yourself into the edges of discomfort. I'm so glad I did this in early adulthood. It has lead to a much more broad and satisfying life.
And the ladies get to look forward to the menopause - after which you really won't give a shit 😁
Thank you for being autentic. Still struggling with pleasing people, and finding time thinking what I realy want. It's so great to see that you are not alone!
I found out I'm an infj recently and omg other infj's experience so much of what I go through. Don't know why someone else suffering from the same things makes me feel better but it does, maybe because I don't feel so alone anymore. People have always treated me like I was different but I've always felt different too. I went through so much in life and I wish I knew all of this about myself because I wouldn't have suffered so much in life. Thank you, I really enjoy your videos!
This is the first video I heard from you a year ago. To put this into practice, I posted imperfect content on RUclips called "The Dubstep Project", knowing it wasn't perfect and wouldn't likely be considered perfect. It was the hardest thing I have done, but I noticed that each post after (exposure therapy), I was much less concerned about the perfectionism of each subsequent post. I have not mastered my fear of imperfectionism, but it isn't nearly the weakness it was a year ago. Thank you for helping me grow.
Dear people pleaser friends,
I try to choose consciously if I want to please or not. It gives you back control of the dynamic (control freak alert, yes), instead of being a victim of your own tendencies. I found that's the middle ground for not being a people pleaser and not feeling selfish either. Society also expects you to neglect yourself, specially as a woman, to please everyone else except yourself. It praises self sacrifice and punishes the opposite. Culture can be beautiful and functional, but if it gets on the way of being happy and autonomous, screw it. Anyhow, honor yourself because in the end, everyone would have lived their lives and you might be left feeling unsatisfied for not living yours. At least to me, the thought alone is terrifying. I find that it's hard for us to say "no" because we are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings. To change that I think of it as saying "yes" to myself, which is easier to process than the though of "denying" whatever thing the other person wants.
I hope that helps :)
-INFJ.
Nicole I so agree!! I just watched another video with Vanessa Van Edwards in it and she touched on these points too. How women are taught to be more people pleasing that men from the time they're born. Not saying Men can't do it, just that the general trend is there because of priming (: So I totally agree with you. Find your own passions, your own strengths, and the things that make you happy, because like you said, one day you'll realize that everyone else is happy and not you because you've been so focused on others happiness and not your own. We even tend to spite them or regret it if we can't see that WE'RE the ones choosing to do this. Once we realize that we have a choice, that our lives are in our control, then we'll finally be able to move forward and live our best lives. 💖
@@LillithElaina 💪💪💪✨
@@nmjr547 wow i like this idea, could you elaborate on your thought process/how to go about this?
19:38 this happened to me this week, I decided to keep to the speed limit and this woman started flashing headlights and waving her arms like a crazy person. Then I failed, instead of allowing her to be aggressive and NOT letting it affect me, it ended up in an altercation by the time we reached the next traffic light. Trying this out is a process I guess. Have been agonising over this for a couple of days now, this type of confrontation makes me feel sick. I think the answer is for me to learn to stay calm instead of responding with anger, because it was the fact that i responded that made me feel bad about it. Conflict, arghhhhhhh....:(
Its okay! Learning to not people please takes time and practice! You'll get there :)
Being a people pleaser may also be to try and “keep the peace” or not to be the cause of disruption, disappoint or hurt another. But I agree with you. I suppressed my sexuality almost my whole life in order to keep the peace at home and in my church. This was to my detriment in many ways and is the greatest regret of my life. I would never do it again if I had my life to live over. It took me a very long time to understand that what others think of me is none of my business. This is why I love your videos as you are so positive and practically so helpful.
It is not only about people pleasing. We tend to sacrifice ourselves so much into a topic or pattern that we neglect getting a certain distance to it. We are so deep into that world that we might even be frightened to others. That happened to me so often that I am now much more careful. It frightens a lot narcissists because they are afraid that with your deep thoughts and knowledge they are unmasked by you. I think a lot of people are frightened by the honesty and authenticity. They cannot deal with the truth as we can.
Also consider that deep thinking is exhausting. That makes you vulnerable if you do not take care of yourself. You are vulnerable to others opinions.
yeah i agree about the narcissists. They don't like it when we try to read and figure them out.
Pretty arrogant of someone to suggest you are pretentious! Whatever! I loved the practicality of this video. Tangible examples to help others apply the principles of being comfortable with oneself. Some of the concepts overlap what I’ve been made more aware of. So, thank you for putting this out there. Much appreciated!
Hi Clay and fellow INFJs.. I'm nearly 60 and still learning so much.. Clay you help that process - Thank you. I feel like I'm waking up at last and I now know that experiencing my authenticity is vital for me. I find I need to slow things down and be in quiet to know what my authentic response is. For me this process is challenging and as you say Clay you ''need to lift the weights'. I very rarely post anywhere and even writing this is my lifting the weights.. From my experience of becoming more authentic, You may need to reduce your time spent with a few or perhaps several people in your life. I've found having more times of true solitude where I authentically connect with myself is a key element in this process. So far for me being authentic is often uncomfortable and yet it is so worthwhile as I feel I'm standing on more solid ground in my life. This feels new to me and can feel strange and lonely but it wonderful also and so filled with new possibilities. When I'm being authentic I'm working on holding a compassionate presence for me and other/others. When I act authentically and if the other/others frown I say to myself 'it's ok keep going' and if they smile I say to myself 'it's ok keep going'... You see from that authentic place whatever unfolds is ok.. So my fellow INFJs keep going.. You are amazing..
Thank you :)
I’ve been watching your videos for a week or so now and wow! You make great and helpful content. Thank you.
So true about the "not caring about the good stuff" re: thoughts and comments impacting self-esteem. There's an ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) metaphor called the infinite chess board that I think you would like. It speaks to how either obsessing over "good" or "bad" comments from others/in our own self talk, regardless of the valence of those thoughts or comments, can drive disconnection from the present moment and from self and others.
...fighting the urge to remove this comment ;)
Being called pretentious used to make me feel so bad that I would tear myself down to make them comfortable with me lol 😂
Clay, I appreciate your content so much. I have always tested as an infj, & Learning ourselves is such an intense, layered experience. I have always had a hard time with my personality, social akwardness, my need to be alone, etc. It feels very wrong behaving that way in a extroverted world.
I really tried to change myself for years... just to fit in...
Your videos have really changed the way I see myself. I feel so much more comfortable just being me. Plus, this video couldnt come at a better time. I was literally on my commute home thinking... I dont feel like stretching myself thin like I usually do this holiday season.. I need to find a way to to skip it all, and do what I want. (Feels nearly impossible when your family is so needy of your time). But your video gave me the courage to just say NO.
that is beautiful!! keep at it!
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson Thank YoU 😊
yeah, the holidays can get pretty ridiculous can't they. Sounds like you're getting the point and are on the right path though :)
You go girl. The right knowledge makes us so much more powerful.
You’ve explained my life so very well especially an INFJ. I love the example that you used for Miley Cyrus. I didn’t like how people were so shocked about her transition into a new person (or someone who’s she’s always been, but we never got to see) as if she wasn’t allowed to change into someone she’s always desired to be.
Superb video quality and lighting.
Being invisible becomes a default way of being, because that gives you 'freedom'.
Like the concept of 'red ocean' and 'blue ocean', red ocean is the place where everyone competes, blue ocean is the unexplored free space.
I try to have a touch and go relation with society itself and all others.
Being invisible equates to blending in everywhere, it is a combination of avoidance and camouflage.
It is a survival mechanism I feel, a default mode of being that keeps you out of trouble.
Being noticed in any way, positively or negatively, is trouble in a way, it is subtly imprisoning.
Because then you get hooked into the expectations of others.
Those are real forces you know, not just imaginary.
I dono maybe their auras develop a patterned relation with your aura, i dono, but it is something that is tangibly felt.
A distinct different context/paradigm happens with each person.
So this blending/remaining undetected, is a minimization strategy to avoid the projection of others on you in any form.
So that makes you an uncover everywhere. You are always in a mirror mask.
By mirroring everything, you can move in and out of any environment without any tethers.
With minimum repercussions, attachments, or hooks.
So then there is a kind of free flow harmony.
I think it is also the love for harmony, the desire for harmony, that makes us do that.
Like the desire to overpower another's music with yours is so little.
And even if you do, there will be a sorta power struggle.
It can be avoided if you just tune to them instead, because that takes such little effort,
Compared to them coming to your level.
Your like:
"Why should I bug this guy, I know he is in a different tune, I can tune to him, but he cannot tune to me,
And the difference between us is anyways worlds apart, like the bird and the fish,
So why not just harmonize with him when he is there, and then go back to my room and re-engage my home frequency"
That's kind of the way I think.
There is also the element of "vain and futility" of ever being properly seen or understood.
Only someone at that same level of depth/nuance and subtlety (energy freq) can get you.
So that is what leads to the depression, and I think it is a real experience,
In the sense the depression is about accepting the existential fact that you cannot dance with everyone,
Only with very few, that too in only limited ways.
Because there are very few who live in the same abode/depth/realm/height as you.
So that is what creates the reclusive behavior too.
Trying to market yourself as you are, will just bring unimaginable resistance,
And you can already intuit this because there is clear awareness that the majority sings and dances to a different tune.
So it is a situation of outer poverty (very few people to dance with, and in very limited ways even there),
But an inner richness, I think that is what makes us hermit like.
We isolate because the inner is far richer than the outer.
I can dance with my thoughts in a million ways, but only in 1000 ways with the outside.
So like you hinted in another video, it is like being 25 years old in a world full of 4 year old toddlers.
Its like a parent child one-way relationship, and its very hard to get an equal relationship.
Or another way to look at it is, you are just alien, and so there is a fundamental aloneness in the dark of the ocean.
So there is a decision of, what is worth being? a worth that goes beyond what others want me to be.
Those are some of my thoughts.
I'd be very interested to know what you think about this too.
Thanks! I just re-posted something I had deleted seconds after posting it. And it felt great telling myaelf "I don't care!".
Way to Go! :)
Thank you for upploading this video.
Thank you for this one. Regarding the comment "pretentious" -- I think that when you specify your ideas, defining them with more words in finer detail, some people will think your vocabulary is you showing off, when anyone who truly listens will appreciate what you're doing when you fully define your concepts. Perspective definitely helps with handling comments, positive and negative. I'm glad you have healed this issue for yourself and thank you for providing insight to things that are often hard to put into words.
Thank you! I really needed to hear this.
I loke your get out of your comfort zone exercises. I took a job finding class that assigned everyone to go into a small business (like 7-11 or a coffee shop) and ask for directions to the business they're standing in. Everyone reported that they weren't mocked or shamed, but just told, "hey, guy, you're there!"
LOVE this video! And you!!
Great video! Thanks for making it : )
I actually find that I am more comfortable saying no to people if I look good. I feel like it gives an extra boost to your confidence. I'm going to practice saying no more often starting with an event I don't want to go to.
Perfect commentary many need to hear!
thanks, that video was amazing !
I needed this. Thank you.
Thank you. Just as you mentioned reading comments at the end of video, simply: Thank you.
This is exactly what I've needed to hear for so long. Thank you so much for this!
Yessss! This is me. I feel like i have found home when i found your channel as well as other infj channels
Dude you're amazing.. Subbed, you nailed everything about me! Now i need to practice all that you said..
Thank you for this video. I needed this so much right now
Again, thank you Clay. I appreciate you.
Omg that helped me so much !!THANK YOU 🙏🏻 💗
I struggle with all of this. Thanks for this content as it is very thoughtful, clear, and action oriented.
Thanks i will try of the points you brought out it's a good day
I really appreciate your tips on stepping out on being a pleaser. I've been a pleaser all my life and I'm so ready to change. I'm going to try this...well not the walking naked! Lol
Thank you!!!🤗🤗🤗
Clay all I can say is thank you so so much for this video. You have opened my eyes more and have given me confidence to pursue a few things I've always wanted to do. To hear from someone who has gone through some things I have and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you.
Thank you for the helpful tips. I will be trying some of these. I really need the practice. Love your contract.
Work in progress thanks for sharing👌👍
I recently just watched a couple of your videos.. I get everything your saying.. Can relate..Thanks for these awesome videos..
This is so true. Thank you for your videos. Its good to know we are not alone. I admire the fact you can post videos as an INFJ, as this is not easy. Keep up good work!
Thank you for making these long videos, they are really well constructed, also your voice is so calming and encouraging. I only recently started thinking about how inauthentic it is that I always cater to what the others want - didn't use to be this way when young but I think a relationship with a narcissist swayed me to the other way. I have started trying to give contra when being too complicit but it's not so easy - I just can't sit at a table knowing the others are not 100% pleased ... I will keep trying !
thank you, thank you, thank you for your advice....it makes me feel stronger as a person, and knowing how to do it in a healthy passionate and kind way toward myself and others.
Thanks for this video. Man, I have noticed that when I feel like I can't be my authentic self, I pull away from the relationship, and stop all communication because of how I feel when I am around that person or the people. Since I am aware of this, I am working on being more intentional on presenting my true self to people and family. One huge takeaway from this video; I am going to exercise presenting my ideas and thoughts to people without thinking if they'll like it or not. I used to think I was a super private person, but I have now identified this as me hiding my true self due to fear of criticism of others. Thanks for the traffic example and fashion examples / challenges, I'll try these for sure. QUESTION: Is it difficult for you to watch your own videos or be satisfied with your finished work?
Thank you so much for giving some real life application examples ♥️
This video was shown to me exactly when I needed it to be 💯 your channel is a special and I am learning a lot about myself
Your content is very clear and very good quality. I love it.
Everything you said is so on spot! Its like a reflection of myself. All the things you said it's literally the things I have lived and the thing I'm working on.
This was spot on and just what I needed! Thank you so much for putting yourself out there to help others who are also struggling to be their authentic selves. I have battled being a people pleaser who always puts herself last for a very long time and you have given me the motivation to begin to make a change! You are a beautiful person! Thank you.
If only I had seen this video years ago. 😂. I can 100% back this up having gone through the process. One thing is that to some empathetic people who grow up in a dangerous area this trait may not show up as people pleasing but in general it's still the same idea.
This is one of the most significant videos I've seen in a long time. Wish I could have had this insight and affirmation years ago. Encouraging to know there are others like me 😊.
Clay, you inspire me! You're videos are very encouraging. Thank you ♡
Definitely relate to putting up posts and then taking them down and sometimes it has been before anyone has a chance to see it ... thanks for the ideas 💡
Thanks a lot for posting your videos. I’m going through gaining self confidence at the moment and trying to figure out what I want to do, be who I want to be and stop people pleasing. Sometimes people pleasing does help with getting me out of the house and at the end of the night I really did truly enjoy myself but then theirs the times it was just bad the whole time. I’m working on balance and I love what you said about “like a pendulum”. Totally true. I’ve watched a couple of your videos and I subscribed. I am an INFJ, funny I didn’t know I was until about almost a year ago and it helped me to understand so much about my self instead of just saying,”I’m a weirdo” plus at about the same time I discovered I’m also an empath, Christina Lopes helped me understand that on RUclips also. Anyways thanks again cause I could go on for hours so I’m a go. Keep up the great work and I’ll be checkin in here and there so I can continue my Awesome journey of becoming my true self.
~Michael Wasco
Thank you soo much I really needed to hear this. Feeling more motivated and definitely will put your tips into practice
This was so helpful. Thank you. :)))
Great video. I’ve been studying stoicism lately as well.
Dude these videos are what i have needed my entire life....
This was excellent and well thought out. Thank you.
I just want to say thank you so much. You are very gifted and have a profound ability to convey your message.
The first few seconds of this video really touched me deep in my heart that I feel like I could cry because of the truth in what he said. This is probably my third or fourth video of him that I have watched. The first one i finished, the second one was too overwhelming for me that I just had to stop. Not because its bad but because the words that he said feels like somebody is addressing things that I feel and experience that I never before understood. A people pleaser, that is me. I always put everyone else’s happiness first before mine and many times I often wondered when would it be my time to be happy. I hope I would have the courage to hear everything that he said. Thank you.
I always listen to your videos while doing my school works. Its like hearing myself talk without me having to do so. My mind tends to wonder A LOT when I do things instead of focus on a task single mindedly, so this really helps my mind to shut up for a while hahaha.
The topics you're talking about literally is what goes in and out of my mind all day.
This was amazing, thank you! 😊 That was such good practical advice to build skills. I've subconsciously been doing it already to some degree lately in small ways but I'm looking forward to putting more thought into it. I've found setting boundaries is a huge part of getting over people pleasing, and getting over perfectionism too. The foundation of all these ideas is self-worth, which I still find difficult to have consistently but I can identify when that's the issue I'm having a little easier now at least.
Thank you Clay for a great video again. I identify with every point you mention. Being a professional artist I know too well having been confronted with people, who had difficulties with me questioning tradional ways of interpretation. In these moments of innovative creation, It is very true we have to keep staying confident and not go into a hiding mode, because we are so put off by people. This can be challenging!
Thank you for this video! It was much needed. Reflecting back on my life and freshman/sophomore year of college. I was the biggest people pleaser. I ran around the school from group to group, person to person, changing who I was like this shape shifting puddy. And those were the years I was most miserable looking back at it. I utterly hated myself. Like really hated. Recently I got a text from someone at my school who is quite popular and she told me that “everybody likes me.” And for some reason, these words didn’t spark joy. Instead my mind immediately went to the thoughts of how much I hated myself during those times. Which goes to show the dissonance or stark contrast between everybody liking me and internally hating myself because I wasn’t being true to myself.
Great video! Helpful content, Clay...Thankyou!
Good job Clay 😎👍
I like the auto analogy, feeling the driver behind me almost like they're touching the back of my brain
So glad I found this video. You articulate everything so well and your advice is very practical. It's honestly just what I needed to hear. I'm an INFJ who constantly feels conflicted (which is common among a lot of us, I think) because I'm torn between being my authentic self and my desire to please others/be well-received (darn that extraverted feeling). My Fe feels like it's in overdrive a lot of times when I'm around others. Subscribed and looking forward to more videos from you. Thank you for putting this content out there for us other INFJs who are struggling.
Dude, we're like the same person. You're my new self help guru lol
Another great video! I feel so understood since i found this channel! Thanks, Clay!
i've always had this problem as an INFJ
well this feels new, but maybe i'll start posting my drawings for a start?
thank you so much for these valuable lessons.
Good content mate, keep it up.
Great tip on practicing things, specially when people are against it .. I liked it! Thank you❣️
Awesome advice. Felt a cold shiver down my back when you talked about going at the speed limit with somebody behind you. Going to try it though 😄
Tears,lol,love this,such great advice♡
Thank you! This is all such fabulous advice for me (INFJ). My “thing” is songwriting...and I’ve been slowly putting my work out there. It feels great...scary, yes, but worth it!
Also, I think 24:00 to the end of the video is wonderful guidance for INFJs who have been moved to speak up and take action against racism this year (2020). Many of us are shaking things up within our families, and that’s a challenge for people with our personality type.
Keep it up, fellow empaths! We need to stay strong and practice having confidence in our passion for the things we care about.
This explains so much for me, feels so much more comfort that I am not the weird one
Thank you so much for your amazing insights. Honestly, Im just realizing that I am a people pleaser. I came to this video because I am currently experiencing guilt after putting down boundaries with a family member. I now feel more empowered to keep doing these hard things so I can become more authentic and free.
Lol...I love the driving exercise! I have done this multiple times, but I have to intentionally engage it. It is work to be ok with yourself and not please everyone, to be direct instead of passive aggressive.
Im sitting my mother down Thursday and watching 4 of your videos with her, so she can finally understand me. Thanks to your videos I can calmly explaine how I've felt my whole life..she has tried to understand me but with little success and its mainly my fault bc I play the strong son and just deal with everything without complaining. I play a fake part most of my time bc the only father figure I have does not even like to be around me or talk to me bc my creative ideas and stuff do not conform to hi strickt southern racist bull shit. So I thank you for these videos, I wish I could pay you for them or buy stuff from you to show support. Even though I was homeless 8 months ago..im doing very well now.
Yep, this was good. I will practice. Thanks from Finland.
Clay - I watched this a few months ago. came back to see how I've been doing.. and i realize you have helped me to change my life, TY
I almost didn't watch this video because I didn't think I needed it. LOL! But I"m glad I did. It's so funny; I've been practicing this for the past 6 months. I had a situation where a narcissist took advantage of me because of my over empathetic nature. I've been doing so much to make others happy and feel good while neglecting my needs, I nearly ruined my health. I reached rock bottom in the martyr department and experienced people disrespecting me. I didn't understand why they were treating like that. But I thought that they just didn't understand my empathic nature and had no respect for it because they were different. It was a strong wake up call to what I was doing. I tell you--it was so hard to let go of that pattern. I felt like I was dying as I was slowly coming to the realization that what I was living as my "purpose" was detrimental to my mental/emotional/financial/physical health and not how the world works. Luckily for me, I had a few friends who supported my initiatives in being different, and so I had been practicing a lot of what you suggested. I was choosing to not wear makeup, choosing to dress in unusual costumes, expressing my spiritual beliefs on social media (even the slowing down while the aggressive driver rides our tails)--a little bit at a time. So when it came to doing a 180 in the empathic department, I think the subtle practices in authenticity gave me a leg up. I was able to let go. At first it hurt, but when I started pouring into myself, I got angry. Angry with myself because all of the time I had been neglecting myself. I'm on a wider road to self-acceptance and authenticity as a result. I am now preparing to take the energy I once put into the world to help and support other people, and put into myself. What I plan to do in the future will help others still, but it will come from a place of wholeness and I will be building my self-image rather than pouring into others and sacrificing my own. Thank you for these videos. Your insights are psychologically affirming, your suggestions let me know I'm on the right track, and this gives me the confidence to keep moving forward. Being an INFJ in this world is so awkward, but you're making it less awkward for all of us as we understand our nature better and make adjustments to be successful and more confident.
That's amazing how you explained people pleaser I never get it in this full picture before you explain
So happy I found your videos, ENFP here and I feel like I need the INFJ balance in my life🙏🏻❤️
As an infj I need enfp as well 😭❤