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One of the Biggest Mistakes Couples Make in Healing from Infidelity: Denying Your Reality
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- Опубликовано: 19 июн 2019
- Today Samuel discusses denial in repair work and how it damages both spouses.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
My Dday was Sept 04… and the subsequent days when I found out more. Layers and layers of lies. Regarding this video, this is precisely the aspects that irritate me the most. When he acts like everything is ok and somehow expects me to reciprocate it. So we have to work to have a better day but there is no way to have a good day because the pain of what happened is a reminder that nothing is ok. When I don’t even know if I know everything because he covered up for so much that I don’t know what to believe. When he can’t talk about it because he can’t even listen to a complete sentence before start reacting and cutting me off. At that point I’m not listening anymore. What is a good day exactly? A day without fighting? A day without cheating on me further? A day where his ego remains safe from further damage? A day without talking about what happened? A day where we act like we are ok and “have a great time together?” It is like telling me: here, shove your emotions and feelings somewhere down there and let’s just enjoy the day. So let’s just pretend hoping that one day this “good day” actually happens. So angry right now.
How does the betrayed get over the anger that his wife called. My wife commited the crime and I doing the time. Can't get past it, it destroying me!!
How are you doing now? How did things turn out? It's been 3 years since your comment...
At this moment I am starting to realise that in this crime everybody does time. The guilty and innocent
Can you PLEASE make an accepting your reality for the hurt spouse? I think many hurt spouses also live in denial that this horrible thing has happened to them. I would really appreciate your input on this!
thanks so much for the suggestion.
Thank you so much, Samuel and Rick. I listen to your videos everyday because they help me stay on my track to healing. It’s been 1 year since Dday and listening to your videos from the beginning helped my marriage.
i'm so glad. thank you for the kind words
Thank you for being real !!!!! You and Samantha are extremely courageous and I appreciate you both dearly!!!! Sincerely, I thank you 🙏
so glad I could help. i'm honored to be a part of your recovery in some small way.
Spot on again Samuel, in my opinion! As two wise men told me last week, they have to want it to even be able to get to what you are describing. In our case, a year and a half shows the answer is no. Will keep watching these wonderful videos to know I’m not crazy for wanting some of the basics you talk about. Many thanks and God Bless you and your family.
‘The awakening’ you speak of in most cases, I feel, is the unfaithful getting caught. They’re definitely not, all of a sudden, a different person!! Great stuff, Samuel.
thank you.
My spouse is recently watching these videos w/ me. He was the unfaithful, w/ a sexually charged emotional affair w/ a girl half our age. The reveal around Christmas, then months of finding the phone calls and run in again. It stopped finally a few months ago and we're reconnecting. It used to be him doing the minimizing, and I won't tell him, but now it's sort of me. He started watching these vids w/ me a few days ago. He gave me credit that I've said a lot of what Samuel said in our past struggle sessions. He's admitted it's a lot easier to hear from him and he really appreciates that this site isn't out to make him feel like a piece of crap, but genuinely wants to help and restore. So he feels really validated too. I'm the one that feels really antsy and uncomfortable watching a few of these w/ him. It's like I'm in the twilight zone. I would have thought it would be him all antsy, but it's the opposite of what I would have thought. Maybe it's months of finding calls and stealing more time w/ her, and trying to get through the denial and lies, and now those walls have all come down? I'm sort of, "Now what?!" Very unsettled feeling.
Maybe you can do something new w/ that angle? I don't see the sexually charged emotional affair angle on here or the testimonies much. Who would have thought it could be so devastating. I was ready to forgive, try again and was much more ready to emotionally connect and get past it. He was still far more connected to her and wooden and cold w/ me. It was the sneaking after it was supposed to be over that really shattered my world and dissolved trust. I could have understood the disconnect we both caused that caused him to wander over lines previously. We love your style and delivery Samuel. Your story is a gift. Taking you and Samantha's considerable pain and humiliation and turning that into vehicle to help and restore so many other people is an absolute gift from God.
My husband said the most mean hateful cruel things to me when he was with the AP. How do I get over that? He said he didn't love me for years, he didn't want anything from our 23 years together. He said he was buying his time till something better came along. And so on. What am I suppose to think?
it really depends. spouses can say the most wickedest things when they are flooding emotionally. he may have been lashing out and just said some angry stuff in the heat of the moment. he may actually mean it. we don't know right now. but, you can forgive and heal for sure. you can let go of those things and move on and heal. if you're staying together it will take more specialized care for sure, but it's possible. if you're divorcing, then it will be easier to a certain extent, but it's possible nonetheless. what work have you been able to do with grieving and forgiving? are you getting any help anywhere? have you considered our harboring hope class on line? it's here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Mine was similar to yours
Mine told me he resented me because I didn't give him a baby. I had a surgery that almost killed me then 3 rounds of IVF but he still thought I didn't do enough
I get all that you are saying, I messed up lots of lives and I know my choices impact lots of people. It's all out there but even with the help we are getting my spouse is still so angry and all her words hurt!
it's normal and probably going to be that way unless you are able to help her get expert help. do you think you deserve her anger?
I do, I deserve whatever hell I created. I just miss my family, my wife. You never think about how your actions affect so many. I would give anything for her
@Alex S. We are in couples and I am in individual counseling as well. I even changed churches but would do anything for my wife back.
I am in a place your wife is at.
I’m trying to find an old video to share with a friend from years ago about how when people say “I could never cheat”, they’re denying the monster that lives within. Where can I find this?
Amazing video, very important video content, thanks for sharing...
As the betrayed when do you stop and look at reality? DDay is coming up and I (the betrayed) have problems of wanting to be open now due to the unfaithful seems to not want to give up the partner they have. Every time I feel removing my shield and letting my guard down I get hit with the savage truth. Over and over. Yet I am in it to win it. This old veteran holds on to that hope in the end. Not ready to move on until the unfaithful gives the final word of "We are done".
Charles D Wilson brother! Please hear me when I say to you, I'm with you in this journey, but you have to focus on you and your mental and emotional growth. I can almost assure you, "avoidance" is what helped get you guys in this situation, so simply fighting and awaiting HER dismissal will ultimately leave devastating effects on you both. If she want it to work, YOU have to love yourself enough to demand her faithfulness. Allowing her to flip flop without consequences only rewards terrible choices
if she refuses to give up the affair partner, then there is a problem. if she gets to say no and there are no consequences, what's the hope she will give up the affair partner? it's a huge red flag my friend. it appears you need to draw clear boundaries and enforce consequences if she refuses to give up the affair partner and get help.
Isn’t denial one of the stages of grief that’s necessary for healing?
I think I understand the definition of denial you are using in this video, but clarification needs to be made for everyone who might watch this.
Trevor Jean Le Roux not sure what you're saying, but no clarification needed, he's speaking on the same denial. You definitely greive during the trauma of infidelity, in fact, one could view the betrayal as a "death" or loss of the marriage. Remember, grief is simply our way of dealing with loss.
Is there a video that talks about what the betrayed should do when the affair partner contacts them? I have been called and sent the chat log, audios and pics. The affair partner has insulted me. Called me names. I’m feeling overwhelmed?
that's awful Erika. i'm so sorry. i would do all you can to protect yourself. blocking their number, maybe even changing it, and doing all you're able to do for a clean break. i know it's not easy at all.
Can you make a video of when the unfaithful spouse took off with affair partner and how to pick up the pieces in building a new life
Good word!
How do you handle a situation when you find out your now husband was sexting and reaching out to women before we married. He was while dating and engaged. His thought to me was that marriage is different. I don’t believe that. Cause of what we were working towards. I can go on and on but with that he knew my previous marriage of 28 plus year in an abusive and unfaithful marriage. He knows me childhood past.
Now I’m getting very anger. Things with be good for a bit and then bam it’s back. Please help
Hi Samuel. Is there an email I can reach out to someone?
Samuel ,I have watched many of your videos and at first found them very beneficial. Now I see much self hatred toward the unfaithful (yourself) . The betrayed I like to call the “golden goose” seems to never have to answer for the reasons the unfaithful has for why the affair took place. All I hear is blame the unfaithful, accept your a bad person and accept what your capable of... I mean that’s an intense statement. There are reasons affairs take place, shed some light on the “betrayed” side of the equation faults. You’ll say they are not the problem the unfaithful is sick and terrible and lacking...let’s see
Yeah i'll speak as the betrayed husband i am. You are correct in that the lead up to the affair, the marital problems, disconnect, and complete lack of working on the marriage fall on both the unfaithful and the betrayed. However to blame the unfaithful for having an affair is unconscionable to me. I never broke the trust, I never let my lustful actions take me outside the marriage, I never wanted to hurt my spouse in the ways she's hurt me. She made the choice willingly, the unfaithful chose to break the vows. Again i'm not excusing the build up, but this is affair recovery and accepting that as the unfaithful it was their choice to have an affair outside the marriage, it is up to them to make the betrayed feel safe, to stop living in their fantasy land.
Seriously? It was the unfaithful spouse choice and choice alone to have an affair. The betrayed spouse did not contribute in any way. Not all affair occur because of marriage problems just as all terrible marriages dont lead to affairs. No marriage is perfect, there are always issues. Affairs happen due to someone's lack of character and insight as well as poor coping skills, nothing more.
💔