What Should the Betrayed Spouse Do When There Is Lack of Initiative in Recovery Work?
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- Опубликовано: 14 июл 2024
- Samuel shares insight on what the betrayed spouse can and should do when their unfaithful wont lead recovery efforts.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
This has been one of the best eye opening videos I've seen. I have started to distance myself from him. He shows no initiative. So I am going to stop trying. We live in the same house but I try to avoid him pretending I am busy cleaning. Because he said I pushing him away with me trying to hard. he said I am to clingy. I'm always telling him what he can do to make me feel safe. Trying to help him help me giving pointers on how to win me back. But he said he doesn't feel right doing those things for me. Like a hug, kiss or telling me he loves me or giving me flowers. He says that's not him. Yet he did it for the other one. Just waiting for the virus to end. I just gave it to God. It's time to see me.
I hope you are doing well, what your wrote is where I am right now. It feels like I'm spoon feeding information however getting nothing back. I have initiated a divorce and sadly due to lockdown and covid I'm still living here and will be for a while. I hope I have the strength you have to detach
@@melssf7451 it is too much effort and even more heart ache trying to reform an unrepentant spouse. I hope this year 2021 has been your step to launching a more fulfilled life.
And 1 yr later where are you in your recovery?
I feel like this exactly!!
This is me too. He says he fees like a hypocrite doing things like that for me to win me over. But I’m so sensitive I’ve been trying to get him to fall in love with ME! Lol I’m such an idiot.
The heroic moment story is so true. That’s what the betrayed wants more than anything in the difficult time of their life. Unfaithful can show remorse and regret as much as they want but if they don’t do anything to move forward, betrayed will take that as we or our marriage is not worth saving for unfaithful.
How much does it take for them to get it? Sadly I’m too tired waiting for this heroic moment to happen, and I need to focus on me and move on now.
@@treven21 Exactly where my wife seems to be. Her biggest fear is exposure, especially at work where it could hurt her career. She told her mother. She claimed I had threatened her with exposing it to her mother...I had simply said that she needed to keep control of her mother (they came for a weekend visit shortly after I found out about the affair) because if she started on me I didn't know what I would say. So she told her about it without me present and purposely didn't tell me they had talked about it for three months. Not much of a trust builder for me.
After that I told her I was done trying to initiate reconciliation but that I would always be there when she was ready. She is like any other addict at this point. She will either hit bottom or she won't. I cannot make her change if she does not want to. I can change myself and I can change the situation around 'us' within my own boundaries and nothing more.
It is so scary to set boundaries for the fear that he will give up and just walk away. I need to recover more than needing this unhealthy relationship without any initiative or healing recovery action
If the unfaithful even does seek a therapist, and they are not honest, then they still will not get the appropriate help.
The first thing the unfaithful has to do is admit they have a problem that needs to be resolved or it pretty much guarantees that they'll never change.
Yes! My husband went to a therapist but lied and didn't admit anything full of guilt but wants it all in the past refuses counselling but being a good husband again what can I do?? 15 years marriage with a young child x
The unfaithful spouse think they are good most of the time because they think because they may have ended the affair is good enough.
Yet they allow themselves freedom.
The offending spouse can’t keep stalling and procrastinating. They will only realize what they have lost when it’s too late.
Yes :(
I feel like I’m getting to that point. I’ve never thought of divorce or else I would have divorced her when she told me about her affair partner.
She has just in the past 48 hours, put some kind of work but I’m still doing all of the heavy lifting. It’s incredibly frustrating
Or if they’re narcissistic, they’ll simply move right on to the next victim. No second thought or concern for the chaos and destruction they’ve left behind.
@@officerfarva3666 You are absolutely right. No effort made at all. Narcissist only care about themselves and have no empathy for anyone but themselves. I had to finally give up because his actions and behaviors were killing me inside and out. I had to understand that I needed to allow him to do what he does/did separate from me so that I would be able to start my own healing journey.
I am trying to sit back and watch. It is just so frustrating. So then what happens when he does nothing and doesn't climb out of his place of shame?!?! I feel exactly like that- like I chase him. and nothing. nothing. nothing. I have also had serious talks about how I have been feeling. He does not respond. His response is defensive and blame shifting.
Hows the marriage?
Absolutely true...this has been my story for the past 4 years...waiting, waiting, waiting, for the turn around and change of heart...I am moving on the path The Lord has paved for me, and 2019 is a time for God to do His Best when I'm asked to step aside!!! Thank You Lord for the strength and honesty from these videos as well!!!
Samuel if you see this, you have a gift for speaking. Very well spoken. Thank you for sharing you and Samantha's journey. You are a hero for so many of us who are hurting deeply!
It is a reminder we still don't matter to them.
Great video, Thank you! What I have come to find out is that setting boundaries is easy to advise but first I had to realize what that would require from me. You described a selfish person and and a partner that is showing signs of codependency or lack of self worth to let someone continue to withhold needs especially after the obvious infidelity. In order to set boundaries, I think it needs to come with education of what that means. Through trauma bonding we have become addicted to this person and wanting to control them for our own safety. What I have realized is that I had to recognize that setting a boundary would mean that my attachment could be compromised and even deeper it would mean that i feared the pathological loneliness. The withdrawal symptoms had to be understood before I could set a boundary that I could uphold. Also work on childhood trauma that got me into this dysfunction that would repeat because I was scared to death of the abandonment or the pathological loneliness. Obviously the people that keep excepting this behavior have enabled it through fear of breaking that bond or attachment and that fear needs to be recognized and supported the same way as an addict trying to recover. I know now that when therapist would just say “set a boundary or why did you give in?” It would strike so much shame because I didn’t understand the dynamic and the withdrawal symptoms that I initiated in myself and I would repeatedly fail to uphold the boundary. For me, I had to understand completely what the consequences were for myself and the withdrawal symptoms and to have support for them. Without that, I think the betrayed spouse will just keep giving in because the unfaithful spouse that continues to hurt them are no different then the drug of choice that takes the pain away for a minute but then all of the problems come back and the betrayed gets triggered and remembers the boundary when the pain comes back. It just repeats over and over again until the betrayed gets support on the symptoms of breaking the attachment. When you realize that and have been educated and supported, then it’s still unbelievably hard but just like any addiction, you realize relapse is apart of the process just as withdrawal and you keep getting back up because you know you deserve better for yourself and people that truly love you and maybe the people that depend on you need you to fight off this addiction to become present in their lives so you don’t recreate this dynamic in their lives.
J Man great analysis. I would totally agree with an almost drug like addiction ... and yes with anything sometimes what brings you out of that is the final straw so to speak. I know in my situation after 34 years of marriage and multiple disclosures. Even at the stage of mediation for divorce I saw that my husband was holding back on continuing the process with the mediator. Not answering emails for confirming dates. He also was sending mixed messages just recently about a business trip which I again like the drug took until this last time that I could take it no more. I asked him or should I say demanded that he leave the house. I could no longer tolerate this behavior. He always said I had a soft heart and maybe that's part of my downfall. However I have to get back to trying to help and heal myself. I was doing so well before then and then I took a fall which caused medical issues and even further sucked the life out of me ... broken knee cap and shoulder that I am healing on my own. Where he is living, who knows? His affair partner boasted to me that she " sleeps with him every night" when the so called " shit hit the fan"!
As much as there is history with us after all those years and 2 children, large extended family obj my side, I owe it to myself to be a selfish. I don't see much wanting to recover or help the situation from his part of the wayward spouse and so the reality is that I have to help myself and work on myself.
Thank you, both, for your comments here. I am only at the start of finding my way through all this as the betrayed. I have been making the mistakes mentioned in the video and not setting and sticking to any boundaries, for many reasons, but reading your comments I know fear is a big part of it. Disclosure was on February 3rd 2017. I say disclosure, but I still don't know everything, he's seemingly in denial and ambivalent, as we both have a lot of difficulties and stresses that take precedence. I'm trying to make him see that this strain is actually the biggest one and underpins and worsens everything else, but he's insistent we need to get the rest of out or lives in order before we can do what we need to for recovery. I've lost most hope, but these videos, and real people's comments, are showing me how it should really be. I keep reliving the pain every day and I'm broken. I just hope he finally backs up his word and fulfils his promise to do what I need him to. This video may be the first I show him.
Thank you again. Makes me wish there was a group or forum where we could all talk between ourselves. Hoping for light for all of us.
Wow, I can't even begin to explain how your words, are everything I'm experiencing and struggling with.
I'm broken beyond any realistic explanation, its a crazy cycle and I love him so desperately but I know I need to stop & heal me. I need to close the door on him & the pain... Because he won't stop hurting me from his selfishness.
Thank you! Today I drew a line in the sand. It was hard, but it feels like the right thing to do.
What do you do whenever there is some evidence of change, but they still refuse to do recovery work outside of themselves ? Changes have been made are things like no contacts in phone or social media that are females except family, I have access to his email, phone, laptop, etc whenever I want them, no female friends or acquaintances. YET, complete refusal to read books, watch videos, or go to counseling. He says that he has repented and made himself right with God (which I do see some evidence of) but he “healing” occurred during the year after the affair was over and before he told me - so I never SAW his recovery. That makes me question how valid it is and if he is actually healthy now.
This resonates with me. The affair was 2 years ago. There has been no proactive work on the unfaithful's part. There has been some acting out in the meantime, nothing terrible, but every time there's acting out I feel like we start all over. I finally established boundaries a week and a half ago and said if you don't take ownership I'm moving out. I packed my car, loaded up my dog, and drove away. Magically there is suddenly some movement and initiative. We are now in therapy and the affair partner has been blocked and cut off. I wish I had had the balls 2 years ago to set those boundaries instead of waiting 2 years, spending 20 grand on therapy for myself, and getting nowhere except spinning wheels. Thank goodness for movement. A hard line is apparently what it takes.
My husband travels for work, I'm at a total loss.. if I bring up anything at all about what he has done, at first it was denial. Now he has admitted to 2 things that I already knew about. I know about others, but I'm trying to be patient and get him to disclose. It's been 8 months since I found out, 2 years b4 that I begged pleaded and cried about the way he was treating me. He still acts like he has done nothing wrong and pretends to be okay with the world. And when I found out and asked him about it, I said "why did you hurt me like this"? His response was "I didn't know it would hurt you!" I said "How am I suppose to feel?" He said "I didn't think it would hurt you this bad!" And I'm still in a place of break down 20 to 30 times a day.. 8 months later because he refuses to talk to me. What can I do? Please help... desperate and broken
The journal is brilliant!
I think this is your best video yet, Samuel.
very kind of you Jay. thanks for sharing.
Happy, Blessed New Year & thank you for these awesome videos
same to you Lee. thank you
Despair is right. “My process is not your process “! I’m in a numb space. I’m in therapy and trying. Waiting is excruciating
Thank you so much for this video!!!!
Thank you! I needed to look at what I have been doing…not trying to solve it all myself and pull him along or let him “slide along” with me into recovery. I can see how that is happening and how it doesn’t bode well for change. Thank you
When the time comes, my husband won't do anything to work on recovery and I don't know what I will do about it. Think I will look for the right program.
I want My True Husband take Owner ship in what he has done ..Like I did when I strayed and help me recover..So we can grow back together .. God is with us if he can do this .
It's been 6 months and he is clueless on how to win me back. It's getting to the point where I'm ready to call it quits. He thinks wht I read and listen to has nothing to do with him. I need help. We dnt have money for counseling or a wkend recovery trip.
I so needed this today. Thank you.
my pleasure. very welcome.
We have been in counseling with our pastor. He refuses to communicate and tell me what all happened. I found out after we were married for two months. This went on since day one of our relationship. There's been no changes at all.
My husband and his family supports him having an emotional mistress. He and his family are emotionally abusive and they think abusing me is funny. They are sadistic people who get off on hurting other people.
Yet he won’t leave the house that
I PURCHASED . He treats me horribly and does not take an active role in making the marriage better. He is verbally and sometimes physically abusive.
Instead of expecting me to support him and his mistress, he should go and provide for his mistress on his own. He needs to leave and get his own place.
His mistress is only with him because she is waiting for his career to advance, so she can make money. She is just a prostitute and would not be with him if she did not think there would be a financial gain.
I want to know why did he not just be with this prostitute in the first place? Why did he marry me? He certainly does not act like a husband but just a friend.
If he knew he had to be in an arranged marriage by his parents he should have just married her from the beginning and left me alone.
I feel used and abused by this man and his family. My husband gets to act like a spoiled little boy who does not have to take accountability for any of his actions. I am expected to do all the changing and growing, while he is allowed to remain emotionally stunted and immature. No one requires him to grow up or learn how to communicate like a grown man. He is a pampered mamas boy who expects the world to cater to him.
thank you. i see now there is no hope for us.
Here neither
He won’t talk about it. Porn addiction. I addressed it. Avoided it. Believed he’d change. Not once did he go for help. Every discovery over the 24 year marriage I went for help snd the focus was on my depression. It’s a joke. I’ve taken steps to get help again. I’m so over this dance with him. I’m ready to end a 24 year marriage with this abusive liar. I deserve a better life. I’m not asking him again. He’s unwilling to be honest.
Porn addiction is the worst. They have to really be tired of their life to change.
My husband said he would go to counseling it’s been almost 2 years blamed his affair on me said I started fights. Been married for 31 years and has been cheating before we got married. I recently moved out and filed for divorce. I will not badger him to do the work. He should want to do it on his own.
The
I think the Betrayer is not participating recovery because they are using that to have their way
What do you do if you still believe in the marriage? I am the betrayed. My husband is still involved with his affair partner - a person from his office. He is CEO she is a subordinate. He does not talk about the affair, he hides it from his Board, he never mentions her to our grown children. I feel like he is ashamed of himself. He is a good man doing a bad thing.
I have bought my own home, changed my job and moving on. But I still feel the pain. I asked him initially to attend a recovery weekend-he told me he has bo interest in saving the marriage.
But then I wonder why not be honest about the affair?
Why does he say he doesn’t want the marriage but he continues to hide the affair?
there could be several reasons and many of them are rooted in his own shame perhaps. nonetheless, if he is saying that, I would take him at his word and move forward with your own healing and let him be. life is too short to stay stuck in hope that he will change his mind when he has clearly moved on. he may be hiding his affair so he doesn't suffer consequences from his board etc. it sounds like it's time to heal you and move forward my friend.
You are such a brave and strong woman 😍❤
I wish I was as financially independent as you
This is an interesting video in relation to the videos that discuss the cost to the unfaithful spouse of their own behavior.
In this video the message seems to be that the betrayed must set boundaries, consequences, etc. Understandable enough, except that if the unfaithful spouse will not eventually arrive at the conclusion, on their own, that they need to change, then what is really being accomplished? Am I training a dog or raising a child, where I have to reinforce/teach right from wrong? If I as the betrayed have enough sense to accept some of the blame/justification offered by the unfaithful as being valid behaviors I can improve (though not valid justification for an affair)...well, how do they NOT accept responsibility to resolve their actions?
I am at a point (9 months in) where I am ready to offer forgiveness, unconditionally. Having said that let me clarify that in part that forgiveness is selfish in that I see the destructive power of holding onto anger and resentment and in so doing realize not forgiving will hurt me as much as anyone. But I can forgive, it's a choice. However, part of forgiveness is mercy. It doesn't seem merciful to say I forgive and then to leave her where she is (wherever that may be, I have no idea because we are simply roommates now). At the same time if I say I forgive but then set boundaries/expectations with defined consequences; that doesn't seem like forgiveness.
Still, I'm pretty sure that without consequences there will be no progress and progress certainly seems like it is a right and good thing given this is a marriage and there are children, all below teenage years.
Any advice?
Can you talk more about what it means if whether they're okay with being 'mediocre' and how that can be another problem in itself?
i think it comes to the fact that you have a decision on how much you're willing to tolerate Jacquelyn? if he's content being mediocre and has had an affair, you have choices as well. you don't have to go along to get along with that and you don't have to sit back while they decide they will simply be content to be 'average' in recovery and repair work.
Its so damn draining 😩 especially when they use the kids to be against you and they had the affair
That's exactly how I feel.
I’m less than a month in to finding out about my wife’s affair. She initially took action into getting with a therapist, like the first week. She went to the first session and I’ve been to the last 2. However that’s pretty much all she as done. I’ve tried talking to her about how I feel nothing is being done outside the session. I’m watching videos and reading stuff trying to take steps, but she’s not. When I talk to her about it she listens and says agrees to more action but doesn’t. Are we just too early in for me to start taking these boundaries?
it's a bit early and 30 days is not much time at all. but, you can do things like this with her: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp i don't think it's too much to ask her to get help and at least give the help a try. if she's unwilling or if she's maybe lazy or disengaged, you may want to use this approach with her: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate i don't think it's too early to use that approach, but i would just ask that she get help....it's not that you're expecting this super human change in less than 30 days, but getting help to repair things is not an option.
Tony, you’re telling my story...I’m just a few more weeks ahead. This is unbelievably painful 😖 hang in there brother 🙏🏼
I feel for you. I hope that you have some breakthroughs and many meaningful conversations.
My husband had a 6 month Internet affair with a married woman he met overseas, then advanced to a 1 week physical affair and continued the internet affair for 1 yr. Took him at least 3 times to end the affair. He hasn't cared about marriage counseling at any time during this 8 months since d day. He has brought out tons of yelling, fights, etc. Any chance the 7 day program could help make a difference, help repair this marriage?
I am the sole disability income. He has chosen to not find a job, been unemployed for years. I found out he's alcoholic, splurges privately with my disability income, doesn't tell me or show me what he buys, goes on vacation by himself every year for martial arts which is where he met his married mistress.
HELP!
the bootcamp will definitely help and be something you can do to generate some momentum for sure. then, i would consider any of our line courses and apply for the scholarships that are available as well.
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you for your feedback. I've been in marriage counseling by myself, due to his lack of interest. We will be submitting the scholarship request and hopefully get the help we need.
3-4 weeks into "recovery" after the confessed D-day. - had found out earlier. But was confirmed 3-4 weeks back
At what point should the betrayed have the talk.
I understand she needs to heal herself before being able to really do any courses or watch videos etc, but the perceived lack of commitment to wanting to do an EMSO or bootcamp right now, as it's fresh, creates uncertainty and anxiety.
Is there any way the betrayed can aid the unfaithful in their recovery process, so that true reconciliation can properly happen
i don't necessarily think she needs to heal herself before she can do any courses or watch videos. i would disagree. i would say she may not want to right now, which doesn't mean that's a valid reason to not do recovery or repair work. i would ask her to do something like our online course or in person weekend. she and you can do work, even if you're unsure about the marriage and the future.
If my husband just want to leave from marriage, how could I “draw a line”?
These videos are pretty good but do you have some based on the woman cheating on the man? Role reversals i think things are different right?
they are not as different as many think or say. that may ruffle some feathers, but it's really not that different. the issues, the concerns and the struggles are very much the same.
@@samshealingpodcast sorry Samuel but it is definitely a big difference when the female unfaithful listen to the videos always saying he most of the time being the unfaithful makes it harder for them to put themselves in the place as he when all unfaithfuls have a hard time being accountable for there actions in the first place. And have also seen more response out of my unfaithful wife when the videos specify he or she or she directly. When it's just said he or him it's like it's dismissed totally like it didn't apply to her at all. She even told me specifically that she heard it was my job as the betrayed to create safety for her first before she could fully disclose everything for the 10th time after I followed your videos to the letter about not making any desicions about the marriage and creating a safe place wich was very very hard for me to do after multiple affairs and drip feeding for a year. First thing she said after watching the video on safety was tell me it was my job to create safety for her bc of the way she heard it. I know they should be able to hear it both ways but when they are so unhealthy as you say is why she won't hear it as most men have mentioned in all the comments I have read the past 2 years. Thanks for all you do really do appreciate everything you do.
@@samshealingpodcast I don't disagree that the issues and concerns aren't similar but men tend to react differently than women and society influences and treats them differently. A simple example...I know several couples where the woman ended up taking the kids and going and this shocked the man into action. I know of none where the man did the same. Men don't do that, there's no support system for that nor societal support for a man doing that. Men are no longer allowed to show anger, in fact a male needs to be very careful in anything he says so that it is not taken as threatening.
@ Samuel..... how long did it take for you to start to win back Sam’s affection? Weeks, months or years?
only a couple months initially......then, things got rougher and more pain and anger set in....so it took a few more months after that.
Is there a video on unfaithful spouses that are more than willing to sign up for multiple courses and spending tens of thousands on counseling and intensives, even taking some courses twice. YET won’t allow any boundaries, or transparency at home.
So the betrayed spouse is still only given his word that it won’t happen again? It’s hard to believe, but It gives the appearance that the unfaithful is doing all he can do ... and blames the betrayed spouse for the continued problems in recovery. Any insight?
it's sad and disappointing for sure. sounds like the unf in your situation is just checking boxes and their heart is not in it? would you agree? what work have you both done though? have you done any courses or intensives?
Overcoming Infidelity
Pretty sure they have taken most every great course on Christian Recovery in infidelity out there. They are separated.
And he’s taking the one for the unfaithful spouse a second time. Your right tho, his Heart couldn’t be in it. He earns a lot. Has never minded going to counseling. Went for many years before they met, and doesn’t mind spending the money to paint a picture to their church, friends, family.. I presume to save face and lay blame. When the BW says something he is quick to reply that others seem to think he has treated her well, really stepped up and done more than he had to. I would guess he feels a false sense of redemption in saying this.
Seems another way to blame the betrayed, not for the affair, he’s read enough to understand why he can’t say that anymore but for the struggles and why recovery hasn’t been possible.
Wow.
What do I do if my wife only thinks I am pressuring her to do things she does not want to do. She thinks I'm trying to influence her as she wants to first heal completely before she wants to start with recovery of the marriage. i have a lot of remorse and I feel that I disappointed God and her. She is moving out and wants to be on her own. I want to stay together and work thru this together but she refuses and wants to recover on her own. What to do? What to do. Everything I try she sees as it is my will and only what I want to do as she asked me to give her time to heal herself. I made an appointment with the Pastor and she is not willing to go as I made the appointment and she feel that am trying to push her into something she doe not want to do
pressuring her to do something she doesn't want to do won't help my friend. perhaps it's time to ask her if she will get infidelity specific help like what we do and then see if you can make some decisions after? something like this: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend if not, then i would give her space and do all the work you can do on yourself and your own healing. remember, just because you're now willing to work on the marriage after the affair, she may not be and it's wise to respect her choice.
More question to ask is, if she is not willing to continue should she the say that. If she is confuse and not sure should she be moving out and be on her own as she already got another place to sta and then for how long shoul I continue trying. I am willing to try and make this marradge work and give my all as I have been forgiven by God. Should we stay apart for some time or should there be a time set to the initiative to atleast try and sort this out together
My spouse cheated on my 30th, 33rd, 38th birthday and still won't get help. What do I do?
Wonderful that Samantha was able to forgive?/accept/move on. I wonder though about your story/history. How long was your affair? Was your AP someone you say often, daily? Known to Samantha? HOW was it discovered or did you just tell? How long before a REAL breakthru for Samantha?
she was one of Samantha's closest friends, and it was a 2.5 year affair my friend. it was pretty awful my friend.
@@samshealingpodcast This is like my husband affair..it was my friend and I found out when they were 2 years together..but he still denies and look like uncertain of wanting the marriage ( although he says otherwise).
🌟❤🍀