What Spouse's Can and Cannot Do Early on in Recovery from Infidelity
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- Опубликовано: 14 янв 2019
- Samuel shares a necessary adjustment to early recovery work for those in crisis.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
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Thank you for this. My unfaithful partner doesn’t understand that I’m not a robot and I have feelings that are completely consuming.
“It’s not your fault they decided to cheat”….then why doesn’t it feel that way.
Thank you so much. You are speaking directly to my situation. God is using you to minister to so many people. I've gained so much insight from all of the videos.
means a ton my friend. thank you for the encouragement, it means more than you know.
We are at 10 months healing very slowly with much small reveals. Married 32 years and 34 together. It’s hard. I’ve wanted to literally die. My health has taken a dive. I’m not sure what to do.
It feels hopeless sometimes, I want so badly for the unfaithful to see all the trauma they cause with their self centered decisions and learn some respect for women. Tired of us being objects to use and we are always supposed to be strong and constantly loving. I have needs and I want some respect. Trying to put up boundaries and be happy best I can but he’s the one critical of me. Is there a place for support for us because I’m realizing I won’t get what I need in support. I’ve been battling with this issue with him for 10 years.
there absolutely is support. you can find it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope it's a safe place for betrayed spouses to find healing and support. i hope you'll take the course my friend. it's wonderful.
This is my perspective too, I want her to see the damage she’s done and to prioritise me. She can’t or won’t. I get no support.
@jessicatruxillo934 it would be nice to have an update on what happened after two years. Do you feel healed? Your first sentence that talks about the trauma they inflicted on us due to their self centered decisions and lack of respect expresses so well my thoughts too. Why can't they consider more our pain instead of finding excuses for theirs which they felt "compelled" them to stupid choices?
Thank you so very much. Well done! I’m going to share this with him. I truly do appreciate your doing this. You’ve put it all in one place so well. Thank you again. ❤️
Such a great video! This really would've been a great tool for us early on, and I know your elaborations will help a lot of couples in this stage. I wanted to get on here and thank you all for what you do. My husband and I never would've known where to begin to understand or repair without your advice and insights- we have a good counselor to help us sort it out, but he really doesn't understand himself what we are going though like you guys do! My husband and I (and our 2 young children) are doing great even though we are only 11 months past disclosure.
thank you Sarah. so glad i could be a part of your recovery work. means so much and i'm honored to be a friend. thank you for posting.
You give me hope. Thank you.
thank you for this.. such a lonely journey. I am alone in this, I am the betrayed and I have come to the conclusion that I am here at best to co parent my children with my husband under one roof for their betterment. I have asked to go to marriage counseling and he doesnt want to go and insist we just go to individual counseling because I need it most which that hurts my feelings that he sees it this way. Ive even sent him a few of these videos and he states that he doesnt like self help as they are opinions and then he picks everything apart so that is vain.. On the bright side, He is a fantastic father, and he has always been a friend.. he has been alot nicer to me and he tries to be understanding but whenever I bring things up he shuts down or derail the converstation. its been a year since d-day and I no longer want to try and I have become withdrawn to protect myself moving forward and I keep quiet and remain pleasant for the sake of the kids. I long for a real love, I am so lonely.. maybe one day once my children are grown and out of the house..
i would take care of you my friend. i would focus on your own healing and your own emotional, mental and spiritual welfare whatever that looks like. he's obviously wanting to control the situation and i'm sorry for that, but i would really devote as much attention and time and effort and finances for your own healing. respectively, i'll be praying for you.
Overcoming Infidelity thank you so much.. its much appreciated. I will continue to watch your videos as they are still resourceful for me
@@lucyfannn7863 so glad you're here friend. one day at a time.
Your response broke my heart and has me in tears. I won’t go into details, but I understand. Stay strong because you are stronger than anyone staying who has a spouse who wants to work on things. You need to keep that strength and and positive energy for your children, you are their most positive role model❤️
My unfaithful hasn't asked for forgiveness or sincerely apologized for his emotional affair. He really doesn't think he did anything to hurt me. Because he wasn't trying to hurt me.
thank you sam.. this vedio is very true.
Still heartbroken and dealing with daily triggers 12 months on.
Once again I'll provide an alternative perspective. The unfaithful cannot feeling they are going to live under continuous shame and guilt; which often leads to depression. if there is one thing I can say about the unfaithful is that they will not allow themselves to he held hostage by their own shame for very long.
"Held hostage" is a fascinating choice of words. I wonder if you see it but you obviously do not.
Really like and apreciate this video. Samuel you were so damn right on every point. I have shared it with my Unf and hopefully he will get it someday. Both us have to commit n learn to be patient with each other. Thank you Samuel!
you're so welcome. thank you for such great feedback. means a ton. i hope and pray it helps you move forward my friend.
i find your explanations very helpful for my overcoming. i would want to know if/where i can find your videos translated or subtitles in spanish, so i can share with my partner and others i know going through similar situations. i really appreciate your help
I’m having trouble trying to figure out if it’s worth it because we aren’t married. Do the same rules apply? Or should it be automatically over when you aren’t married
even if not married, the principles can be applied. it's a process for sure.....but just because you're not married doesn't mean you're not devastated by someone cheating on you.
Thank you
Been watching a lot of your videos. You give a lot of great advice. But I have a question. I am the bs and my wife is the ws we are going to counseling, but seams like I am the only one who has done anything to save our marriage. She read the 5 love languages. And that's about it I can't get her to do anything other work I bought us a couple of his and her books to help us grow closer. But I just no longer have the desire to put in the effort anymore because she isn't bothering to do anything, she still continues some of the actions that helped to cause a rift and doesn't think its a problem. And I don't know if I can deal with things much longer.
I'm so sorry Jason. I would try these two articles as an approach with her: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change see if that helps and consider applying that approach to get her to take action. if she won't, perhaps it's time to be done my friend. you can't make them do their work.
What about if your the betrayed and your the one trying and you've asked them to do the smallest things and disclose the whole truth and it's been the third time in 20 years they've done this amd they wont?
I don't think he cares if I forgive him
Watch some of this guys other videos. There's some specifically on what your asking about. Im in the same situation, and no they probably dont care right now. I believe he says to stop chasing them and focus on yourself.
hi there. he appears to be unsafe my friend. the situation suggests that maybe it's time to pull back, take care of you, establish some boundaries and reevaluate the future. for him to withhold information, he's controlling the flow of information and probably is thinking he's helping you when in fact, he's hurting you more. it's probably (but not guaranteed) ignorance to what his choices are doing to you. but, he may want to stay ignorant and not get help which is sad but also a huge red flag. here's an article on how much to share and why it's so vital: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
Do you think it would be helpful or Hurtful (maybe even detrimental) to kick the unfaithful out of the house and demand them getting help for not only the betrayal issue but multiple issues as well( sex addiction alcoholism and a feeling like they do not get along with your adult children).
possibly....however, never make a demand or draw a line you're not willing to enforce. also, you'll want to make sure you feel compelled to do this from either God if you come from faith, or your conscience and raw conviction if you do not, as if this goes south and has the opposite effect of what you want, you can hold your head high and say to yourself you did what you needed and wanted to do and are ready for any and all consequences for standing your ground. i talk about ultimatums here in this video: ruclips.net/video/JQUCzF33yUg/видео.html here are two other helpful resources as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
What is considered early on? I'm nearly 5 months in as the betrayed.
early on is usually with 6 months or so. so i would say you're early in so to speak. there is no harsh cut off. here is a timeline article with an image for you as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline
Thank you. Sometimes it just helps to know you're not "behind". My husband thinks I should be "over it" by now. The pain is very real but I'm much further along than I was 3 months ago.
@@lisa1967ish i'm so sorry...you should NOT be over it by now. that's his shame talking and that's ignorance. i'm so sorry about that. this article will help explain why he doesn't want to talk about it and why he doesn't want to keep rehashing it. this is a great series for both of you to read: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame
lisa1967ish it’s been 15 months in my case and I’m still not over it, I get triggered all the time by different things, just started seeing a couples counselor to help out with this situation, it’s going to take time before you can go on like it never happened.
Would you recommend showing your video’s to my husband who has been unfaithful and in isi the valley right now ?
Do you think it’s normal to, as a part of the forgiveness process, after years and years, be a little hung up on wanting some kind of restitution? Like in the form of extra attention or a bit more courting? Or some other extended “groveling”... just MORE to fill back up the betrayed’s love bank?
if it's restitution then i don't think that's terrible or over the top at all. groveling implies making them suffer and i wouldn't get on board with that. nothing wrong with wanting to be courted and sought after at all. very normal and understandable.
Overcoming Infidelity yes I see how “grovel” comes with that negative connotation. Poor word choice on my part, but I think it’s a hard thing to explain what I’m seeking. I don’t want more suffering. I think I’m just a little unsatisfied with the return to normalcy... I feel like maybe there’s an emotional scale that’s unbalanced? I suffered and he suffered and I’ve put in work and he’s put in work. But (oh how do I say this?), maybe I feel there is an unpaid debt owed for the amount of suffering I endured? I want it paid with more attention and more gifts and more touch and more thank you’s and more spontaneous expressions of over the top astonishment and gratefulness for me enduring so much pain to show him I love him and forgive him and still want him. I want to be worshiped. I don’t ask for all that, because it’s greedy and absurd and unrealistic. But it’s what I want. I want to be gifted as much positive emotional energy as I had pulled away from me. It’s probably an impossible ask.
@@mikeyswatergirl6695 I feel the same way. What was the result for you?
It hurts so much I still want to die
Too bad my unfaithful didn't see this when it would have helped us a year ago. He was selfish, self centered, and literally did 99% of these things, even though I constantly expressed how it was hurting things for me.
As the unfaithful how can I get my husband to open up. In the beginning he was open and we had alot of deep conversations. I have answered all his questions and am usually the one initiating the conversation about it because he is not that way. The affair happened 4.5 years ago and was a double betrayal for him but how do I help him heal and talk without seeming like I'm trying to bully him into it or make him talk about it if he doesn't want to. He doesn't know if he wants to stay in the marriage and I have been working really hard on myself (I feel guilty for this as I understand why I strayed and am committed to being better and have not had any affairs since) but I don't want this to destroy him. I accept whatever he decides and if he stays or leaves it has zero impact on my actions or how I want to help him through this but how do I help when he is emotionally shut down (always has been and has been an issue in our marriage)
I should add it's only 2 months after D day, and the guilt I was referring to was by how I'm not allowing myself to live in pity or shame (yes there are moments when I have to fight hard) but I mean that I am able to work on me while my husband is stuck in this hell and has no idea how to help himself (he sees a therapist but has only seen them twice)
it's really tough...i have someone coming in to the studio soon to discuss the fact that betrayed men fall into a few pitfalls that are challenging to deal with. the short answer is, he has to want to get healthy. he has to want to do the recovery work and not allow himself to remain a victim. yes, he is a victim of your infidelity, but he can't simply stay a victim. he has to want to get healthy and do even 'some' recovery work. now, i would suggest being patient and giving him space and being as loving and supportive as you can. maybe it's time to pull back and allow him to simply be him and if he doesn't want to get help, he doesn't want to get help and you both are going to reevaluate things in a few months. maybe take the pressure off for him to do anything and you simply focus on your work and your own progress and allow him to feel that sense of unconditional love that even if he won't get help, you'll love him and support him to a certain degree. if he won't do any work, EVER and if he won't get help EVER, well then we have a bit of another type of situation you'll need to think through a bit. hope this helps and makes sense?
@@samshealingpodcast it does. I have been patient and have communicated to him that just because we don't talk about things that it doesn't mean it's forgotten or its forgiven. I have been doing everything in the household for the past couple months to let him do what he needs to, to take the pressure off. I make sure he understands it's not me trying to butt kiss but trying to help take some pressure off of him. I just feel like by not talking about it, it's giving it power. I leave notes, write him poems that explain how I feel how I see it affecting him. I have even suggested he date other people to see if it will help him decide what he wants. He doesn't trust it won't happen again, I know that and have offered up passwords, said he could track my car, always check in.. I don't have any issue with being transparent or not having that sort of privacy. I hope I didn't permanently destroy this beautiful man, that is my biggest fear and deepest pain. Thank you for getting back to me, and I look forward to future videos. Thanks for all you do.
my ex and I are divorced.but I want to try and get him back but I don't know how I can do that I need some advice.
perhaps you can try and do some repair work with him in an effort to visit options? perhaps doing counseling with him may create space for him to see you differently?
What do you do when the unfaithful tells you after caught cheating that he/she can't disconnect all of a sudden from the other partner rather it is gradual!
i would get expert help and let the third party who is hopefully an expert and skilled help them see how that just doesn't work and is a recipe for disaster.
This is my situation right now , I’m lost of words he is still lying to me. He told me it has to be gradually. So what do I do just wait for him till he is over with his fantasies?
The adversary is busy 🤦🏻♀️
She says it was because they where her friends and it’s a mans world
How long after for some physical contact and showing affection as a betrayed