Anger and the Betrayed Spouse
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- Опубликовано: 19 июн 2017
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Samuel shares helpful insight for the betrayed spouse on dealing with anger throughout the course of infidelity and disclosure.
A post from: www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog
Problem with the world today, nobody has morals or loyalty anymore..im a victim and hurting in my full home alone!
We’ve done nothing wrong yet we are the one in so much pain
@@bigmoma81 so true
Don't be a victim. You are the prize. Understand this. The choices another person makes you cannot control. The only control you have is within your own mind. The person that betrayed you will live with that guilt. You can now choose to be a victim. Or, you can grow, realize how wonderful and valued you are by your friends and family in your life. You are cherished, you are sought after, you are respected and you are wanted. There are billions of people in this world. Every one of them has made regretful mistakes. Stand up and brush your shoulders off. You are going to get thru this. You are going to become better and stronger on the other side.
It's been 2 years and I still have alot of anger and I explode when It builds up.i know why I'm angry. Its because he had no right to put this in MY life. He should have left then find another woman. I'm pissed that it's in my life forever.
I feel the exact same way. I resent him for bringing this into my life. Its been 17 months and i'm still as angry as the very first time i found out. I have no idea how to stop feeling this way.
I’ve forgiven my wife but I need a video on dealing with anger and wanting to severely harm the second party, and no this is not an innocent second party, they intended to hurt
I hope you found ways to deal with your anger. Any advice?
Man. It’s been a roller coaster of sadness, fear and anger. The anger is often the better feeling. There was almost a year where he continued to miss and often contact the affair partner and multiple discoveries. Yes. I am angry and I can also use it against him now, like stabbing with words like a knife. I hope counseling helps with this and I can gain some ground to begin forgiveness cause I am stuck here.
Of course you’re still angry, the betrayal is repeated and ongoing!
The hot anger is quickly turning cold, which I hate even more than the overwhelming explosive rage I was feeling.
Thanks Samuel and hats off Samantha for being able to live through this 11yrs+.
7mnths back, I found that my husband of 17yrs had been sleeping around and sexting with prostitutes. I am shattered to say the least. I don't know what the future holds for us (I don't think I can ever be his wife, trying to get myself back first and become his friend again next). These videos are helping give perspective and realize that I am not crazy for my reactions (which I am learning to control). Would love it if you can make a few videos on "prostitute infidelity" - because people always tell me "at least it wasn't an affair!!". It makes me mad and sad to hear that - he betrayed and cheated and crossed the boundary - that's the underlying fact.
I found out the first week of May of this year that my husband was with a prostitute at a massage parlor. He tells me it was only one time but I don't believe him. I was and I am devastated by all of this. His sister told me well at least it wasn't affair and he didn't know the woman. Like wtf?!! How does that make it any better?
I thank God for this channel. It's such great help in a time of need. I'm always so ANGRY, constantly processing. When does the pain stop? When do the intrusive thoughts go away...The visuals? I get to see my husbands affair partner every day and everyday I feel like I'm back to square one. Where do I find the mental strength for that? Help... Anyone?!?
Shauna Evans try therapy for you. Ask if they do EMDR for betrayal trauma related PTSD. Limit contact with seeing the former AP. OR try seeing her with horns and a tale or in a clown suit. Anybody who cheats with another person's spouse really isn't worth jealousy. They were just an object. They are low. You could have cheated, but you didn't, so no matter what they look like, they are a user inside.
shauna, it does sound like you'll need to do some trauma work friend. as Tu said emdr is for trauma victims and those who experience ptsd like symptoms. it would be essential for you and probably change the entire dynamic of your recovery. however, why are you seeing the ap every day? what's causing that exchange?
Overcoming Infidelity Thank you, I've found a new counselor and have joined a support group. I had no idea there were so many people in my exact situation. I see her everyday at work, were in the same building and it's hard not to cross paths. I've requested to come in earlier and tried to change my routine but she's everywhere. I wonder if it's Gods attempt at humor or a way to make me stronger, I don't know. I just don't want to continue nursing this wrath. I dont want to be a victim but I know I need help. Thx for responding.
Yes, forgiveness is not for weaklings.
I don't think I can get past this intense anger. I want to do things I never imagined. I have NO TRUST left. How could he do this? He doesn't try to make things better. He keeps making them worse. I just want him away from me.
I understand you . I’m a victim .
Same.
I have been binge watching these and they are very helpful. I've had so many Ddays that I almost feel nothing. As of right now I haven't talked to my husband in about a week. I have nothing to say. I'm tired of hearing sorry, I'm tired of him telling me he's going to change or stop and doesn't...I'm numb...
so glad the videos are helping. i'm sorry it's so tough. what are you doing to help you heal though? are you finding any help for you and your own healing? it's vital you find support you can trust that can listen to you and not necessarily tell you what to do about the situation, unless they're experts obviously, but that can help you feel safe and let you vent, cry, yell and just be.
goldielockks i have found that getting help for MYSELF was important foremost ... you have to have your own recovery programme... I am in 3 months now of recovery and feel less angry and my therapist has helped me understand my husbands addiction ... I now know it is a real addiction that they just can’t control without getting help themselves as well ... my husband is receiving EMDR and this is important to find out that his behaviour have actually stemmed back to his childhood ...
I hope you are getting help too through this
@Karen Anthony...what is EMRD
EMDR?
Why does an unfaithful spouse give this speech?
It's been 17 months and I'm more pissed off now.
It's one week in and I'm getting furious...
Thank you, Samuel and Rick and the Whole Affair Recovery Team for What you do.
Anger? That would be a relief. More like blind rage.
Stay away from me!!! Protect yourself Sir.
I realize the age of this video, but that doesn't negate the impact. I journal like a crazy woman, and it undoubtedly helps.
I understand Samantha's anger as I also hit my spouse ONCE. (He's over 300 lbs, I'm 130..... he didn't feel it), yet I went to jail. Okay, I have to take responsibility for my actions.
Little back story....his mother, my mom, was on hospice in our home, our bedroom, and i was her 24/7 caregiver. I refused to leave her for more than 5 weeks, in fear she would pass when I was gone. He took it upon himself to join a dating site at this time. There's so much more, bottom line.....he chose this, and now I'm supposed to be over it. I'm a mom of 7, an hsp, and that's just not how it works for me. 2 1/2 years and still devastated and broken, but should be over it?
Your videos are all that gets me through most days. So much gratitude to you all🙏
How do you forgive the person he cheated with? when that person was your bestfriend and they had sex in my own house?
try this video my friend, we call that a double betrayal: ruclips.net/video/QP9VEuiV1u4/видео.html
It’s been a month since I’ve found out my husband cheated & I’m still angry. I try to act like I’m not still hurt but I am.
It’s perfectly normal to be intensely angry after a month. Betrayal takes MONTHS at least to move past. One month is way too early to expect yourself to not be angry. Granted, don’t transmit your anger to your partner thoigj
Any ideas about how to deal with obsessive anger against "the other woman"?
Physical distance from the affair partner greatly helps. The affair has already blown your world apart. Trying to keep everything (including location) the same would be much harder for the betrayed & unfaithful.
My husband cheated on me with my bestfriend of 24yrs. Today my 1yr D DAY ALSO! We live in a very small town every one knows every one. I have to see her all time and drive passed her house daily. On way to work Daily the motel they went to up road from our house! Makes me sick.
Aive Siitan would love to get answers/advice for this. I've dealt with several discoveries and this last one I actually called her and after a horrific blow up at my husband because his so called business trip did not finish when he claimed it did. Found receipts that showed he came bank earlier and the next morning the 2 of them took a train into the city. He tried making me seem like the crazy one by saying his car was there and I almost starting thinking I was actually crazy when I said stop ... how is that possible when your car was in our garage the entire week. He finally admitted he saw her again.
So when I called her instead of her saying she was sorry, etc and knowing the pain of adultery since apparently her ex/husband did that to her, she said I sleep with him almost every night. What kind of a woman would take a knife and dig into my already lifeless body more? She was gleeful saying that to me. I can't get over the power she has over him and as such my entire family and being. I didn't ask for her to involve herself in my life. She involved herself in mine without permission.
yes aive...try this one: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2009-06a the reality is, it's normal. but nothing good will come out of it if they talk or confront each other. i would allow for space and allow her to be angry, but not communicate with the ap. also, it's vital to help the betrayed spouse find a safe objective place to heal.
I completely lost it when my husband swore it was over with her and he and I celebrated our 28th anniversary and he kept saying how sorry he was for cheating on me and said he wanted our marriage and we were intimate for the first time in a long time and 2 days later I find a bunch of emails between him and the AP. He had been communicating with her all the time we were in counseling for 8 weeks. He even lied to/played our marriage therapist. I hate the AP so much I can't even believe how crazy it makes me. I journal. I run. I smash things. I can not deal with it. I want to move. Or I want her to leave our town. I agree that my obsessive thoughts are taking over my life. It feels insurmountable. It makes me even angrier when he says "it's not her fault".... Like she's so innocent and being a hero to her by taking all the responsibility for the affair on himself. He defends her while telling me he isn't trying to defend her. I'm going out of my mind
He confessed that he only had feelings for the affair partner 4 weeks post D-day.
I don’t condone violence but she was in every right to be angry. Seems like you’re calling out her hitting you is a passive aggressive tactic of putting it back on her. You destroyed her world & trust
My anger has subsided as time of 17 months have passed from D Day ... but how to handle the regret that does not leave me that why did it happen...how I never got to know that he was cheated ... why did I blindly trusted him that allowed him to go ahead and cheat ... the feeling to go back in time to change the past .. the regret that it happened in our first year of marriage... (we are now 12 years of marriage) the regret that ours was not the perfect love and perfect marriage
hi himani. you may give our harboring hope course a try as i think you'll find great perspective and healing for the betrayed spouse there: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
My husband is not letting me showing anger even , he shouts at me back , what I do then
Jayshree Agarwal he must want to do what he wants to do without any accountability and that is a behavior of someone who will only continue to do it.
Man…this hurts
How to process or deffuse anger when the cheating spouse still does some activities that triggers or remind the cheated spouse about the betrayal.
Hey Samual
It’s been about 6 weeks since D day. I was asked to leave the home with no real date of return. She will not talk to me or answer any questions about feelings. We are just now starting individual counseling. Should I just wait and see when she calls on me to talk?
It's been a little over 3 months and he still gets angry at me, it's so hard sometimes, it's like daggers. But I deserve it. Going to therapy and church.
When will I stop being angry, been almost 3 years, but he keeps talking to her!
I get a lot out of these videos but they are not really address the problems that I’m having I. My marriage. We have been married for 10 years, and the last seven years we have been separated living together. Just recently my wife had affairs and one even ended up in a sexual assault. But our problems started years ago and I think the affair is a result of us growing apart. I don’t condone the affair but we haven’t been together sexually for about 6 of those 7 years. I been living In denial. For the last year she has been going out and a few nights didn’t come home til the next morning and I never thought she was seeing someone else. I believed her lies. She says she’s done and wants out, but yet we are still living together. We have a 10 year old son at home and she said a that’s the main reason I’m still there. I no longer know what to do. I want to stay in this marriage cuz I love my wife but is it too little to late. I’m terrified that she is going to leave but we get along really well considering. There is so much going on but too much to share for now. Help please...
sounds like you need expert help asap Andre. have you found a therapist or have you looked at some of our courses and what we do here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses it's clear what you're doing isn't working so it's time to get help my friend.
What is the average lifespan of anger? If the bettayed has all the info already, and the why's and they are in therapy for ptsd ans they say they have forgiven, and the unfaithful is doing all they can to help, heal and restore, what is "normal/average"? It comes back in cycles, it's repetitve- it's been 7 months since dday but the anger/rage episodes come back often. I am confused. Thank you!
7 months isn't much time. also, if they are dealing with ptsd, it's not a lot of time at all. ptsd takes time and work to manage and process. it won't be something that just goes away, but with time and hard work, it will substantially dissipate.
does anyone from affair recovery do skype sessions for people who do not live in texas.
hi trust No one. Affair Recovery is educational only and doesn't offer counseling. However the therapists that wrote all the material and who lead the groups at EMS Weekend can be reached at Crossroads Counseling where their offices are. 512-346-9299. You can call them and inquire about Skype sessions.
trust No one, I also wanted to let you know that you can complete the Affair Analyzer and leave your phone number for one of the Affair Recovery staff members to contact you if you're looking for some advice. www.affairrecovery.com/affair-analyzer-0
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself; absolutely. That got me in my feels so very much... I also think It's a gift you give your spouse. I so badly want to get to that point in my life and in mine and my husband's relationship. He's been a porn addict for years before he and I met. I absolutely did not know that. And also a porn addict for the 5 years he and I have been together. It took me 4 years to finally realize and figure out what was going on with him. But by then, so much damage had been done; that at times it really felt like it might be too little too late. It was betrayal trauma after betrayal trauma. At least 5 or 6 times that I caught him watching porn throughout our 5 year relationship. Not counting the times I didn't catch him, or the times he's used the incognito mode search engine. Each time I caught him, my heart felt crushed harder and harder each time. But also each time, him promising to stop. I tell him how heart and soul crushing it makes me feel. And it's not so much that he has an addiction... It was the fact that he lied about it. And we hardly had/have intimate sex. He hardly ever initiated/initiates our sexual intimacy. He's not affectionate towards me like I am to him. I figured if I was affectionate towards him ,That he'd realize that that feels nice, and is love to reciprocate those feelings for my wife. Nope. He did not follow suit like I hoped. That shit hurts. Im usually the one to ask or initiate, which also is scary and makes me feel unwanted, unloved and a bit embarrassed or ashamed to ask him for sexual intimacy.... all the while, usually getting turned down or him "postponing" it till tomorrow, or the weekend... It's definitely an epic blow to your self esteem and worth. Cuz you don't know why they'd rather get off to porn, rather than the one that's here with him and wanting that emotional and physical intimacy connection/bond so so badly. I was touch starved, had my heart and soul crushed over and over. But the love inside me didn't want to give up on him if there was potential for growth and improvement and healing. I had been losing confidence in myself because "if even my husband doesn't want me in the most intimate and love bonding way possible, then there must be something wrong with me right? He can't stay hard for very long most times, and majority of the time, he cannot orgasm. Very rarely is he able to stay hard long enough for us both to get off. So then he stays stuck in the unending torturous cycle of frustration cuz he can no longer get off easily enough with me, his physical partner. To be perfectly honest, it's not even all about the orgasm at the end that I'm searching or purposely trying for. It's the intimate loving and soul connecting bond that I so desperately need and want to build with him So then I finally started doing my own research for the past few months on porn addiction and the things it does to your brain and body. The intimacy, if any, gets completely destroyed and then almost non existent. You feel so so alone. Then I realized I can't stay in that victim role. So, yes, I got angry and stood up for myself and told him this is the absolute last time I'm giving you a chance. I told him about my healthy boundaries that I will no longer let him trample on. No longer will I allow myself to be disrespected by my S/O or myself. Our next steps are being counseled by therapists that specialize in porn addiction and betrayal trauma. We're going to start going separately to our own therapist and then go together to another therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma and porn addiction. We are also going to start over and build our relationship with the foundation of Jesus Christ. I'm just done with the lies and secrecy. If it doesn't stop, then I am going to have to do what's best for my mental health and wellbeing. But the fact that he admitted he has a problem and wants to fix things between us, gives me and us the hope we need to get through. He's told me he doesn't want to lose me. So he said something in his brain finally clicked this time around and that he finally really really saw how horribly his selfish actions crushed every fiber of my being. He said he hates seeing me being the one he's destroying and killing slowly cuz of his betrayals towards me and him and us. He tells me I'm the one he loves the most; and that he's more than ready and willing to put in the hard work, as well as my hard work too.... In order to get to a healthy and non toxic relationship. That's the gist of my story. If anyone wants to know more, or has any advice to further this along, I'd appreciate any kind of advice. Ty so much for listening. And I hope you all find peace and happiness within God, yourselves and each other. I love you all. Stay safe.