The Unfaithful Needs to Choose Their Spouse
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- Today Samuel continues the discussion on neediness and how the unfaithful must 'choose' their spouse, not 'need' them only.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Thanx bro. Your videos have been extremely helpful. My wife still goes back to her affair partner. I’ve ended up in the hospital twice in a month due to stress. And have had several anxiety attacks. I’m now at the point that I just gonna walk away from the marriage. She’s literally killing from the inside out and so I have to save myself. Hardest choice of my life but I know the Lord is with me. He walks with me and has sustained me since this all started. God bless
awe i’m sorry your going through this . I hope everything works out for you 🙏🏽
What if they're not pursuing you. They come expecting you to get over it and put it behind you, saying it was a mistake and they'll make it up to you, but when you tell them you need full disclosure and it's a process. They revert back to denying it and don't even bother to communicate with the betrayed for days on end? Does this mean they don't care, because that's how it feels.
it's probably not that they don't care. it's more that they are wallowing in self pity and shame and don't know how to make it about you and not them. whatever they do it will seem as though they are making it about them as it's self absorption. you'll need to get expert help in order to heal as you can't fix him and he can't fix himself. he'll need expert care to navigate through the shame and embarrassment. it's very normal. here is a series on shame: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame they don't wan to talk about it as it brings up their own shame at what they've done so it's more about ignorance than it is about not wanting to save the relationship, but they have no idea how to save themselves or the marriage/relationship. i hope that all makes sense.
I truly went from him not wanting to communicate at all....to me it means they do not know what true Love is all about.
I found out about the affair much later. He didnt choose me as the AP broke things off with him. A lot of the hurt lies in knowing he has only been with me because i was there. He didnt choose me. 😔
it's normal unfortunately. though the motivation isn't perfect or ideal, it's ok, it's motivation enough. what's now pivotal, is getting expert help. with the motivation at question, the need is to find expert help that can help him come out of the fog, understand your challenges and do what the process requires.
Same here💔
SAMUEL ....I APPLAUD YOU STANDING OVATION. YOU'RE A MAN WHOM ACTED LIKE A MAN IN A MOMENT VERY MUCH NEEDED BY THE WOMAN YOU WOUNDED. I GIVE YOU THAT. MY SPOUSE IS UNDECIDED STILL ... BUT ... I'LL CHOOSE FOR HIM... I WISH THEM THE BEST. THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL ADVICE IN VIDEOS
karli you're so kind. thank you or that. means a ton. so glad you're on the site and posted. take care.
I really appreciate all the videos you've done. This is about the tenth one I've watched in the last day. You've helped me come to terms with my wife's affair and given me insight on her feelings. Thanks for being a part of our recovery.
Been together 22 years. Been through his alcoholism, prison, divorce, remarriage. Been through so much! Now, he's been having an affair for a year and a half. And he wants to be with her. But he's still living at home - he left the day he admitted to the affair, but came back a couple days later out of guilt and a tiny little bit of 'oh, yeah, I'm married'. He has said he loves her - she was also married when the affair started but is now separated - and he lied to me about getting a hotel for the days he was gone. He was at her house. But since he's been back, he has told me all this about loving her and wanting to be with her. So, 2 days ago, on Tuesday morning, I told him that's what he should do. If he thinks she's going to make him happy, then he should go to her and be happy. I hate it. My heart almost exploded saying it. But I told him I loved him enough to want to see him happy. So go. He hasn't left yet. Needless to say, I'm very confused. Maybe because it's too hard to move during the week with work and all, maybe he plans to move this weekend... but he won't really say. I don't want him to leave. I love my husband. And he still loves me, but isn't "in love" with me. Whatever. I don't want to make him leave, and I don't want to push him out if he's having second thoughts. But part of me says I can't heal while I'm limbo. He still says 'we' this and 'we' that, but I can feel the coldness in him. I am doing my part, my normal, in cooking supper, doing his laundry, etc., and he is doing his normal thing, but the emotional status is very vanilla. Cold.
Do I make him move out? If I do, and he is having doubts of what he really wants, will that push him to her and maybe ruin any chance of reconciliation?
I'm just lost. And this roller coaster of emotions I'm on is getting hard to handle. I'm stronger than I was 8 days ago when I found out about the affair (which he denied when I asked him about it over a year ago), but still have weak moments, for sure. I need to heal. But I also need my husband to be my husband. And he doesn't want to, so he says. How do I handle this when his words and actions don't coordinate???
Alcoholism prison and divorce should be enough. Let him rescue himself.
what happens when they refuse to move out? he refuses to leave this person alone, he lies that shes not in the picture and she still is.
I think it depends on the state you're located in. i would consult an attorney in your area asap and find out the recourse you have. i'm sorry for what you're going through.
We separated and he chose the AP. They are living together and attend the church where we went and they met. This happened in October 2016 and they started living together in March 2017. May 2017 he presented me with divorce papers saying he was going to marry her. I waited seven week for him to file them and finally filed them myself. He wanted me to walk away with nothing and has stalled the divorce until finally my attorney took him to court to make him comply with the law. He told me she is the love of his life and they are one flesh even tho we are still married. It is pain like I’ve never known. I loved him for 22 years thru thick and thin. Our divorce will be final in a couple of months. Probably in September which would have been our 24th anniversary.
i'm terribly sorry sassy. i know it's devastating. i hope you are able to find healing and hope for yourself. i don't have any words to fix it or make it better, but i do know your life is not over and you can get through this. i'll pray for you today. i know it's overwhelming and i'm sorry it hurts so much.
I hope you are doing ok you dont deserve that and he will regret what he has done if not already. I hope you can work on yourself and become a betrer person from this
Sassy Larita wow, I am praying for you. Your Ex husband needs to read the Bible and repent. You are one flesh with him and not his lover...to God he will be an adulterous relationship with that woman. I pray God gives you the courage and strength to keep going 🙏
Are they still together?
The most hurtful story I have heard, in a book I’m reading that’s called the mass murder option, he killed so many people and hearts deciding what he did.
Follow with me here and you will be comforted. It will be a bumpy ride to the field of peace. When I first watched the Duggars, I couldn't stand them. Deep down I felt like I should be like them and in some ways couldn't and in some ways didn't want to have to be. But I watched them and listened to their hearts and understood they just wanted to help the world by sharing their healthy family with others. I am not bringing up controversies. I am saying that my initial reaction was to be repulsed and then I quickly grew to love and cherish them. They are them and I am me and I cherish who they are. Now, hold on, here we go. When I first watched your videos, I was disgusted hearing you, an unfaithful man, talk. It made me sick. But after 3 or 4 of your videos, I began to hear your heart and your message. And now I have watched more than 20 videos, some of them over and over and over. Thank you. I have grown to cherish your videos and I am so grateful for them and you, now. Your message has reached me just like the Duggars. I want you to know that some people will react to you because they are an unfaithful spouse in an unhealthy place in life and so they react to growing and healing like you are doing. And some are hurt betrayed spouses like me, who cannot stand the sight or sound of the unfaithful. And we have to get to a point where we are healthy enough and growing enough to see your heart through your message. Keep going. I am sure you are getting beat up verbally, from the unfaithful and the betrayed. Keep going. Know why they react at you. I have gone from being disgusted by you to cherishing your witness. And others can and will grow to cherish your work too. And your wife will grow to cherish you. I promise. I'm with you in this, on your side and your wife's side. I back you guys. I value you both. I am so grateful for you both and you sharing all these things. You are Blessings us all so much more than we are telling you. Blessings!!!
I have a 10 ...7..and 3 year old I've forgave him so many times for my kids and he keeps doing it I cant I've tried to work out my marriage but it hurts to much it hurts me 2 the core!💔
Yeah. I let them both go and I realized I can’t stand them both. It’s better to be alone sometimes.
I thought he was living alone and thinking while we were separated, but just found out he is living with a different girl. He always said he "needs" me. I now know that was not a good sign. What should I, the betrayed do? So I can still get my own life at least back together.
Samuel
This is so good! Exactly the transition stage I am in currently. The need to have my spouse is in the last days of its waning and the choice to be with her is close to being full! Great topic and insight!
thank you Travis
I'm an atheist. When you speak of your relationship with God, I liken it to my relationship with myself. I have to say that you have the best videos I've seen on this subject. The time blocks are perfect, as you mention, but you have great information. It's completely real, I am living it and you've literally taken the words from my mouth. I'm really glad to have my "gut feelings" confirmed.
She works very closely with her affair partner. We talked about separation, but when we started talking about details she started to get excited about the prospect. She won't leave the job under any circumstances. I'm stuck.
My spouse and were high school sweethearts, and dated 10yrs before we married, now 5 years of marriage. Just found out she has been cheating for 2-3 years. She's never been independent, and I think this is her to a T. I've always been ok being alone with myself and have always chosen to spend my life with her because she is my best friend and one of the most amazing women I've ever met. I feel like she is more how you described yourself. I'm hoping to be able to convince her to do one of your courses
I know my husband is have an affair whom he's deeply involved with. But he keeps denying it. Its been 11 months and he's still denying - what should I do?
Awesome. What a powerful testimony.
Is it fair of me to expect the betrayer to be forthcoming, rather than me needing to ask specific questions?
it's a tough question. one would hope so, but often times it takes you asking for them to give up information. if they withhold information, that's plain wrong and something you can't tolerate. you having to ask them for information and for the details is normal. this piece may help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
Pay attention to actions over words, everytime.
I don't agree with separation unless it's really hard to get past the hurt and I think it depends on what the situation was. My husband was cheating on me for four months. I noticed that he would take more time into himself looks wise. And that he was friends with her for a while,too. So, it started out as a friend relationship then she asked him to have sex. At first he said no, but I guess it was intense and he caved. Not sure why he just didn't leave, but it was just for sexual pleasure and the fact we weren't 💯. I found out by just checking his phone. That's when I saw their conversation. We're in the middle of seeking counseling with our Pastor. I'm scared 😱 but I need this for my sanity and I will try to save my marriage.
Praying for you and hoping things are better 🙏❤️
Bless you for giving your happiness with him another chance. To err is human. Forgiveness is divine.
Hope he tried to save your marriage since he was the damaging force. Hope you got out.
My wife of 20 years has cheated with 3 guys one turned into a relationship. Only Separated at the time she cheated but she filed for divorce 3 months ago. We are working on reconciliation but she refuses to say she committed adultery. In her heart and mind we were no longer married. Don’t think I can continue with reconciliation attempt without her admitting betrayal. Am I wrong to think this way ?
hi kevin. i dont think you're wrong, but there are several layers to this. are you seeing anyone professionally? have you been able to find any help that can work with you on an expert level? typically it's the third party help that can get her/them to see the truth as they usually are too reactive to you and don't see the objectivity in what you're saying.
Overcoming Infidelity we started seeing a MFT together but my wife kept canceling and I still went to the session. Our last visit together, MFT told us my wife is not ready for couples therapy she needs individual. I have a Christian mentor and my pastor talk with. We are believers in Jesus and it’s so puzzling why she filed for a divorce. At times it seems we worship a different God. I’m doing all the work for reconciliation and the only I get from my wife is “don’t pressure me, go slow or I will run again”
@@kevintomich6445 she's obviously not bottomed out my friend, or even sobered up to what her choices have done to you. here is a six part series on the mind of the unfaithful that may make more sense about her behavior: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-we-commit-betrayal-with-infidelity
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/thought-processes-that-lead-to-affair-and-betrayal-how-could-you-part-two
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-doublespeak-and-distorted-comparisons
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-secrecy-factor
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame
Hope you find someone who values and appreciates you.
How did you go through that time without your kids knowing? How old are they?
Hi Sam, I left my husband after he cheated on me a second time, and he went right back to his affair partner. Like the next day. Would you say that's healthy behavior?
I'm so sorry for that. I know it must hurt incredibly. I don't find that to be healthy no, but I hope you're able to find the right help to heal.
Agreed they need to choose their spouse.
What would be some good ways of separating so that my wife can go to God with her needs and not me so that she can choose me without her moving out completely?
many do an in home separation which an professional can help you work through. you may also consider drawing up a separation agreement with the help of an attorney depending on your state with guidelines and boundaries. i know it's tough, but its possible. for some, separation is extremely helpful and changes the dynamic of the entire relationship. for some, it can be overwhelming and not very helpful.
Thank you. You're helping me.
so very glad that's the case.
What if you don't want to choose your spouse?
Great advice.
hi sam, what if, during that 'separation' period, when your spouse and your family aren't pursuing you; but the AP is the one who stays? does that mean that i have to choose the AP?
not at all. it's wise to get help and go through a period of no contact with the ap before you make any choices.
what are the EMS events?
hi Richard. the ems is a weekend intensive for couples in crisis due to infidelity or addiction. you can find all the necessary information here; www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend If I can answer any other questions please let me know my friend. glad you're here on the site.
My husband won't choose me. He won't let go of the other woman
Unfaithful here. As much as I’m choosing my spouse, the affair partner is still on my mind. I don’t want to keep thinking about my affair partner, but it’s like losing a relationship of 2 years. I can’t speak to your husbands situation, but is he choosing his affair partner or simply thinking about her. It can take time to get over her. As painful as that can be and not make sense. I’m in love with my wife and choose her. But still takes time
@@sibelius4671and to think of all the affair partners who are being tossed aside as though they aren’t human beings with emotions themselves. Affairs are terrible situations all around.
Ok so we live together months after she cheated and decided to come back but it seems like she came back for the kids and stability not me as we do very little together and we both feel alone, she doesn't want to open up to me and I'm at this point where If I do everything from cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids while working and she does nothing then what's the point of having her around since I'm still forced into acting like a single father.
makes sense, but i would push for getting expert help. if she won't get expert help, then it's a huge problem quite frankly. if you can obtain the right help, then perhaps she will open up and allow the expert third party and third party process to work. if she is refusing help and refusing to talk about it, then you're at a bit of a stalemate and that's difficult to move around or through.
When u see some silly messages and u know he is cheating on you,he is not the first time What if he denies it,and tells u that u didn’t catch him doing it,so he is not cheating and that is allowed for the girls to send him such messages coz dey care about him and he is only trying to be like a father to him
What if he can’t apologize about it or not want to talk about it..and u do know he is still doing it...u love to leave the relationship but u can’t leave because of ur kids and coz u feel even dou he is cheating,he is always at ur side and always providing for your needs...Am confuse
Samual, I am an unfaithful spouse working to repair my marriage. What if my partner is also on heavy drugs to cope with the pain? How do I handle this.
hi heather. it's really tough. are you referring to anti depressants or street drugs to cope with the pain? what type of drugs are they using?
@@heatherforrester3527 im terribly sorry my friend. the reality is, if he is using cocaine, he's not safe and you did not make him use cocaine. he chose to our of his own pain and hurt. yes, you hurt him and devastated him but don't let yourself think that you made him start using cocaine as that was his choice to do that. it's painful for sure, but you can do your best to help him heal and take ownership of your choices. you can still work on you, but wanting to see much change in him or growth right now will be tough to see due to the drug use. i would be patient and see about getting him into a treatment facility. maybe it's time for an intervention with him for the cocaine? what do you think?
Overcoming Infidelity He went to one of the top 5 rehabs in this country. He left after two days. Checked himself out, he says he needs to know our relationship is in a good place before he goes back. Ive drug tested him since and he has failed so I know he’s still using. I’m scared to address his behavior as I’m afraid it will come across as me blaming him for my mistake. Which is not at all what I want to do. I’m trying to figure out how to cope with all of this and deal with the shame I have on myself at the same time. Taking ownership for my unfaithfulness has been a big stepping stone for me. I just want to show my partner that I really do love him but he’s having trouble believing how I can love him but do what I did.
@@heatherforrester3527 i think trying to educate him is a great start, but as long as he is using drugs, it's going to be incredibly hard to gain any ground. some of the videos may help, and going with him to 12 step meetings maybe would be a good thing, and finding an expert in your area to go to together may help?
Overcoming Infidelity he is currently in outpatient program taking suboxene but relapsed this morning. We are looking into getting him into a better rehab that suites his needs I just feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. One moment he wants to fight the addiction but the next his addiction is speaking for him. It’s so hard I feel like I’m going crazy.