This happened to me. I tried so hard and went far beyond my capacity and ended up losing respect for myself. After 2 years of recovery and therapy it ended with me filing for divorce after learning she was still having her affair. She found out I filed and called CPS and took our son from me. CPS case was ruled out and I’m waiting for my jury trial in April. Currently I see my son 2 times a month supervised at a court house for 1 hour. I’ll take any prayers or words of encouragement. Thank you John. Thank you Sam.
Luke Vernon I am so sorry this has happened to you. My husband did the same thing to me. I hired a private detective and the best attorney I could find and was able to get custody of my daughter. Good luck to you in this fight
GOOD for you Luke, it took alot of courage to make that decision. It isn’t worth the self disrespect. Be thankful you found out. While you’re in a new chapter of life, always remember that you are a one of a kind man that deserves a one of a kind faithful loving woman. You can move forward in life.
As a betrayed male spouse. This video is spot on. Every guy needs to watch this video first when dealing with infidelity..It has everything you need to know!!!
Betrayed male here. That’s my biggest problem, comparing myself. I put myself down so much sometimes. And yeah also being intimate, I’ve had to learn how to block those incoming negative thoughts about what she did with him. It’s been an ongoing struggle. It’s been a year and 4 months. Idk how I’m supposed to ever move past comparing myself and having intrusive thoughts.
It's been 19 yrs since my wife cheated and I am still going through the same thought process you are the pain is real and I dont now if it will ever go away. I'm sorry you are going through this brother I hope your pain stops. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it's my truth 19 yrs is a long time to hurt.
It’ll be a year since her disclosure in about 21 days... it’s been paralyzing to say the least... I don’t want to feel like this around her for the rest of our lives. Sometimes I just wanna throw in the towel and give up.
This is so true as I am experiencing delayed anger now. It has been a year and a half - I never dealt with my own emotions because I was fighting so hard to win him back. I still do love him and want to be with him but it is a daily struggle.
Maylene Martinez My husband thought that withholding facts from me was in my best interest in the beginning. He did the trickle truth for about a year and I think that’s another reason I feel it’s taking longer to heal. Hoping things work out for the best no matter what that might be.
It will be 5 years August 4th 2023. I was so happy to have her back that i forgot to take care of my own issues. Then after thinking about how she treated me and things she said while she was gone. Now i have so many second thoughts. I really wander if i can ever feel the same way about her
This is what my husband did when he carried out an affair. I was doing exactly what he was doing and my husband was the one that was re-writing our past and became incredibly hateful.
Sam, your videos have literally saved my life. My son to be ex wife had an emotional affair 3 times with a person she met online from a different county. She abandoned our son and I. She has shown nothing but anger and hate towards me. She suffers from depression, anxiety, ptsd and struggled with addiction. The marriage in my eyes was over in December and she walked out on us in Jan. I struggled through the pain and anguish in my heart until I reached a place of forgiveness. She filed for divorce last month and for the past couple of months I’ve been dating a fantastic woman,who is also divorced , same length of marriage as my own. She now wants our kids to meet in a fun setting, no so intense of course. I’m very happy about that; but now I’m also very worried. My soon to be ex now is asking if I’m willing to go through church therapy. ....but my heart is no longer open to her in that manner. I wish her nothing but the best and hope we can co parent in peace and harmony...but that window of opportunity has now closed in my heart. I feel she’s only brought this up because of 3 things; a my very detailed response to her divorce petition, her online affair has dwindled down and I’m sure she’s heard that I’m seeing someone. I really like this new girl and feel a connection with her. I used to want to fight for the marriage, but the vitriol and false allegations killed any romantic love I had for her. I know if I make the mistake of going back to her, like your guest said, I will be left with the “what now” moment, did I really want her back or was it ego...Time will tell and I’m sure all of us will be just fine one day. But thank you for what you do.
I'm a betrayed male. I found out 2 months ago my wife was cheating with a coworker. She says she wants to save our marriage. She says it's over but she still lies about where she is sometimes. She refuses to really talk about it and gets angry whenever I show any emotions. She just revealed that he works in the same department as her. They see each other at work almost every day. How can I even start to trust it's really over?
right now you can't. it will take work and effort and expert care. what are you both doing for help? you need a plan and a process for trust to happen. this article will help but you need more than articles or books or general counseling: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust
My wife too gets defensive about when I ask her questions, and takes 50/50 responsibility for her actions. Disclosure was 4 weeks ago. My mind keeps reruning all types of imaginations... I hate she has done to me
Behavior, behavior, behavior! There is nothing that the betrayed has done, that causes their spouse to cheat. It is a severe character flaw that must be addressed, first and foremost. I did find this session helpful though.
Betrayal would not be so hard to overcome IF ONLY the offending party would have the courage to do the right thing-acknowledge the betrayal and be truly honest on what they truly want. So that both can move towards acceptance and still create that harmony as human beings that need to be parents to their children, while living separately. For Love does not enslave, does not own. Love liberates.
Many of the points he makes I believe can also apply to the betrayed female partner. I myself have experienced it. He made it easy to relate to. Great video!
Disengaging is exactly what I have done with my unfaithful husband and I told him I have no expectations that he is free to handle his recovery as he and his therapist decide … making demands has only set us back … I took your advice and stay calm, nonjudgmental and supportive … I ask if we can take some time to talk about our situation and we set a time and stop talking when our time is up … we now treat it as a session so it doesn’t consume our entire day and we are both more relaxed and less stressed … he had a 2 yr affair so I am sure he is detoxing from his AP even though he claims he is not … he has lived such a secretive life I have realized the truth will take much more time to surface … we have been together 35yrs and I am hoping we can rebuild our relationship but only time will tell 🙏🤞🙏🤞🙏🤞
I can’t thank both of you enough for this video. I am 4.5 months out from finding out about my wife’s affair and I feel like such less of a man. This helps me in a way understand what I am feeling. I can’t wait for part 2.
This is so true, the guy my wife was cheating on me with was unemployed, obese, living in his moms backyard cottage, he never shaved & he introduced her to drugs. She left me saying that he made her feel worthy & that he told her deserves better. One month of living together she had two broken teeth & a scar on her face apparently.
15:26 i think it's critical to note that IT WOULD ONLY WORK, if, she's totally repentant, transparent, & goes above& beyond to repair... otherwise, there's nothing to stay for.
This is helpful to hear because after 10 weeks of counseling my husband decided to stay committed to the marriage. I jumped into hope for healing because I became committed to healing and being a safe person for my husband. The healing journey was hard but it was also the tenderest and loving moments in our entire marriage. But a year and a half into the process, I am having to complete paperwork to dissolve the marriage. He didn't commit to his own healing within the marriage and left me for another woman. Some days I'm hopeful that there will be beauty in this in some divine way, some days the weight of heartbreak is too much to bare.
I experienced a double betrayal between husband and my friend. Almost 2 years of me not knowing. I ended up betraying my husband two years into trying to heal. I didn’t do it out of spite , but because I was vulnerable from the ongoing pain and emptiness I felt . Honestly after admitting my affair to my husband I felt healed and like I could move on, but now my husband is hurt. Hoping we can get through it
Overcoming Infidelity yes, we have watched some of your videos together. It’s been a year since I told him , but our lifestyle is so busy with 6 kids and running his own business there is very little time for us to get outside help. I will always have trust issues, but I’ve chosen to let go of fear and enjoy my family I can’t really control what he does. It seems as though he is supposed to be forgiven for his wrong doings which my friend wasn’t the only one and I am supposed to be a perfect angel.
Samuel, thank you so much for featuring this! I am truly thankful that you were able to grasp this share to the true people who need this type of restoration and counseling!
My wife met up with her high school boyfriend after reunion 12 years ago. I don’t think they were sexually involved, but she hid the meeting from me and I learned about it because of a Facebook glitch that didn’t totally delete their texts back-and-forth. Didn’t sense any remorse, but thought we were in the clear until a second betrayal with the same guy five years later, this time much worse. It’s been seven years, and although we are continuing our marriage, I’m still waiting for full disclosure and true remorse . The above talk hit the nail on the head and describing her narrative about me, our marriage, and herself. There’s just so much delusion there. Another factor the speaker didn’t mention, is that marriage counselors always assume the guy is at fault, and we’ve been through four or five counselors, all of whom ultimately try to pin the blame and responsibility onto me. So many years of discouragement, and a feeling that I’ve wasted my love on this person who doesn’t appreciate it when I could have been giving that same love to someone who really wanted it and would have benefited from it.
Probably one the best Affair Recovery videos I've seen. Something coming from the husband's perspective of being betrayed. Funny how so many Christian guys -- even ones who have been unfaithful -- a Christian counselor who I used individually and my wife and I for marriage counseling, all said the same thing that I needed to try and woo my wife back, to do the Love Dare, to recheck out her Love Language(s). But her heart was -- and still is 3-plus years after D-Day -- so disconnected that my heart is pretty much gone. It will only be a miracle from God that we can ever have any type of decent marriage in the future.
15 years and I still think about it most days. Still feel the same feelings, and pain and loss and betrayal. To this day don't know what happened, other than she had an emotional affair and would never admit it. I feel that it could have gone further than that but im not sure, Lost my love, my best friend, and world. She wouldn't talk about anything, closed down, refused to admit we had a problem, she left and I had no answers. She totally disappeared, have not seen her since she left and the only time she contacted me was to tell me to sign the divorce papers so she could move on and didn't care if I hadn't moved on. Emotionally and psychologically no I have not moved on. She was more then willing to bounce on a 13 year relationship with absolutely no reason given. Cold and calculated just told me she didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again. And that is what has happened. No answers for me what so ever. All my friends basically stopped talking and associating with me. I was told by third parties who were supposed to have been told by her that I was abusive and physically violent. We never argued and up until the last 6 to 12 months of our relationship we told each other everything and spent a large amount of time together. At the end she wouldn't talk or accept we had a problem, she would not be physical at all. if I tried to hold her she would stiffen up and pull away. Absolutely refused there was a problem. Just wish I had answers but I guess that will never happen. The person she was having an Emotional Affair with was what I thought was a friend, later found out she ended up with him after his relationship finished (don't know if she was the cause of that or not), along with other people I thought were friends deserting me, all from what I have later found still talk and associate with her. Later also found out that every discussion I had with those people was delivered to my ex but they would not tell me anything even thought many of them had been told her side of the situation. I no longer trust anyone, nobody at all. Due to not trusting anyone I no longer have friends, I have acquaintances but will refuse to confide anything personal or intimate with anyone because of history of what has happened to me. Nobody has ever kept my confidences. I really understand your last comment "looser of the century". Exactly how I felt and feel to this day.
You are not alone Ricky.I too went through an unwanted divorce about a year ago,and i still love her and can't let go.That is why God hates divorce.It destroys people,and Satan is behind it.I trusted my wife,and gave her my whole heart,so the betrayal of it all will probably keep me from ever trusting again,and it wouldn't be fair to another woman anyway,because I'm attached to the only one I ever loved and married.To me,you just can't forget,let go,and move on to someone else.
@rickystiffel8106 How are things with you now? Rick of Affair Recovery has an analogy that fits here: you can leave luggage behind, but can never leave your personal baggage behind. Sounds like your wife has some baggage from her past and she's just carried it to a new 'destination'. That's why AP relationships rarely survive long if they leave their spouse regardless of whether they get back together with their betrayed spouse or not. They HAVE to get to the root of their problems and heal or they're really good for no one and only tend to attract 'fellow travelers'. Misery loves company, I guess? 🤷🏼♀️
This is exactly what I'm doing. Fighting for my man. All the while I'm dying inside because I want him to fight for me. I want him to love me enough to fight for me. Fearful if I stop fighting for him, I'll lose him. Couples therapy starts in a week but it was suggested to me today that I seek my own therapist for help through this.
So what do I do if the AP was really better than me? He’s taller, in better shape, makes more money and is extremely confident. He’s not a loser. What does this say about me?
i don't know.....but the reality is, you still can and need to heal. just because someone affairs with someone who may seem more attractive, it doesn't mean anything. i mean, look at him, he may appear to be better looking but cheated with a married woman? so is he more appealing of a man? we can do the comparison game all day long and get lost in that if we want, but as you can see it gets crazy with minus and plus etc. i would focus on healing yourself jeffrey. using resources that can help you heal and move forward in your healing. this is a great course: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope what work are you doing to heal yourself? what is the situation that's going on with you and your spouse?
This is so true and this is my fear. My husband seems to be focused on “just moving on” and “restoration and saving the marriage” rather than his own healing. I need him to process this and be able to grieve this, for his sake. This is why I don’t want to move forward just yet, out of fear we’ll be back to this point, years later. Is that selfish? I want real healing and recovery for both of us.
you'll need a third party and a protocol my friend. i would try the ems online or the ems weekend and go through that with him. he won't hear you on his own.
I agree with you. It’s been about 15 months since my lady betrayed me and for a long time now I could feel the focus of “just moving on” coming from her while I felt that healing still needed to occur on both our parts. We’ve just started seeing a couples therapist for this and I’m hoping this will help her recognize the void she has that needed to be filled because still to this day she claims she doesn’t know why she betrayed me, and that scares me and brings a big lack of confidence in the future of our relationship.
Overcoming Infidelity You’re right and he doesn’t. I’m in Harboring Hope (Thank God) and plan to next take a course as the unfaithful. It feels selfish bc I want it so bad for him and for us.
expert help can remedy that and create safety to rebuild and reestablish intimacy. unless they are unwilling, and if that's the case, there isn't much that can be done, sadly.
I am confused.... I am a betrayed female and yet have been living through all that the betrayed male goes through. The pain is unbelievable, trying to comprehend what has been happening has been a lonely road. My husband and I seem to have been doing a role reversal in this instance.
you'll never be the same....AND that's OK and necessary. there is a new you... a new vision, a new courage. but it costs. it will also take time and the process to work friend. don't let now make you think you won't be a courageous warrior as you're healed and move forward, slowly but surely. you can do it. you must. you have to. you have a future waiting for you. you'll. be. better. though hard to believe, you will be.
As a woman, I feel these same feelings. There's so many feelings that take place after an affair or multiple affairs. This is so real. My heart really breaks for the betrayed.
I feel like this really goes both ways especially with the ‘affair down’... can you do a video series that really digs into why men cheat?? And how it can happen after a traumatic death too??
thank you friend. Rick has done several. here are a few articles and videos for you. i hope they help you and provide insight and answers: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-why-did-they-cheat-part-one-the-role-of-oxytocin (series) www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-people-cheat
only solution to a cheating wife that is detached is for the guy to do the 180, ice cold, leave the house, and show them you don't need them. Build your own life and do self-improvement. Never show them you are needy or desperate. Either she comes back for you if you still want to restore the relationship or find a woman that has genuine desire for you - life is too short for a woman you can't trust.
Here is the man’s problem when he is betrayed. He dosnt think it’s his penis size, it’s not his physical being at all. When a socially superior female generally speaking, a women is unconsciously judging her provider “Emotionally unavailable” and typically it’s emotional stuff which most men aren’t well practiced in. I’m not good grammererer but I was literally left in the desert to die in a war so I’ve stared suicide down the barrel of an M16 and I was left with …absolute terror the entire rest of my deployment. No I’m not doing good but I’m still married because only me and my wife and my therapist and our counselor know exactly what’s up, but I know what a man goes through.
I'm the betrayed female spouse and I absolutely agree with everything he was saying, that's how the process really is. At first trying to piece the relationship together and realizing there was a lot of pain there, so decided to separate for a time. It is extremely important to take care of yourself first and pick yourself back up. I explained to him how I felt like I got dropped on the side of the road and felt like a pile of dung. Trying to pick yourself up and finding that sense of dignity and respect for yourself that you feel was stripped from you. It is the absolute worst feeling and only because of Jesus was I able to stand back up again. God really had to show me my value and worth.
interesting. i've not heard that from anyone else before though. i also check and listen to each video myself and haven't had that issue. i'm sorry for any hassle with it.
I truly believed 😪 my husband had found the woman that would make him happy n be all I was not for him to my surprise he had a heart attack n found out I was totally wrong 💔 😔 he was not as happy as I thought he was his affair was toxic n a big mess but was trapped n the woman would not ended 💔 😔 very sad
@blancajimenez4921 OMG! 😱 Is your unfaithful husband OK? If you are still in touch with him, please URGE him to enroll in the Hope for Healing program for unfaithful spouses to help him get to the root of the problem and heal. That might help him get healthy enough to break free of his limerence and the AP so he can move on with his life in a functional way, whether or not you guys reconcile.
Please us betrayed husbands need to hear more of this perspective. So many don’t understand the husbands perspective Edit: She didn’t pick any ugly, loser type of guy. He’s taller, stronger and women flocked to him all the time.
I am plagued by intrusive thoughts when I try to get intimate with my unfaithful wife. Am experiencing delayed anger, if u will, for my 3rd day 6 months ago learning about 3 more affairs. (1st Dday was 1 affair 2 yrs ago). Having seen the pics of the A Ps I feel they were better looking dressed smarter & spoke very well & more kind & appreciating compared to how I was during my wife's affairs. So what should I do when I feel she bad affaired UP not affaired down ??? P.S. we have 2 children (10 & 11)
i would consider these articles for reminders and intrusive thoughts: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-betrayed-have-you-been-dishonored www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse it's about oneness in many ways and helping your spouse to understand your comparison struggles and having them be in the process with you to help you and support you. see what you think about the articles my friend.
Worst pain you can feel after death of a so. We are Christians and my wife was a church school teacher . We hav a 12 yo daughter married 15 years... had a few arguments and she had affair with a coworker friend. Was about 6 months at least till I found out. It’s awful and I want to save marieahe but struggling with thoughts of what they did together. And the repelling is so true and sad. Over pursuing clinging, etc.. she told me married wrong person never loved me , all to the t.
When I found out my wife was cheating I told her "do whatever you want, we'll stay together for now but when I find a suitable partner, I'm gone." She'll do a complete 160. Even though I would have never left she didn't have to know that. If they think you might be considering another woman they'll change their minds real quick.
So it has been 8 months since my wife had her affair we are back together now and I been giving it all that I have. Trying to make her feel special, how do I pull back now and focus on me? How do I step back to see if she pursues me? Because to me, it feels like its back to normal like nothing happen or changed.
i wonder if the answer is not simply pulling back, but getting expert help to help her see your needs and desires and how you also need to see her pursuing you? it will require objective third party help to get the message across my friend.
I need help with this chasing thing. I'm not saying 'I love you,' or like actively pursuing my wife. But, I am doing care/kindness kind of stuff more. Dishes, laundry, filling her car, etc. We are in counseling together and individually. But I don't know if the stuff I'm doing is too much and if I start pulling back, will she just think 'well, two months in and he's already back to not contributing like I think he should.' How can I give her this space during her ambivalence and handle the emotional limbo kind of waiting for her to make up her mind if she wants to actually do recovery work that is related to our marriage?
I went to these videos, to try learn what I could from them. Men have "no support" when there wife cheats(it was all his fault, he wasn't what she needed, he needs to man-up) none. There is no dealing with or how to cope to get over the wife who cheats...how to o build yourself up again, and learn to trust other than..."suck it up butter-cup". It is always toward the female side for her, when her man has and affair on her.(I get it...mostly female viewership), but still when a man is reaching out and asking for help, so he can move on and start dating again...how can he learn to trust again, find new way's to remake himself...there is no help other than step-up and dive into the pool again...sad. And yes, this is a post about how can I learn to trust again, (7years out of divorce) and yes the wife cheated. But there is no help...I guess.
The damaged isn't caused by simply having sex with another person- most of us have been with more than 1 person in our lifetime. The problem isn't having close relationships with people who aren't our spouse- most of us have friends, business partners, or family members who we are close with. The damage is done when you reveal that there was a huge illusion in the marriage, that both people have somehow been lying to themselves about their thoughts, hopes and desires, and that the partners don't trust each other enough to be frank about their human thoughts, emotions and feelings towards other human beings. It's a lie to say we only have sexual feelings and thoughts about our spouse and that they only experience these things towards us. So where do we go from there when we have the courage to face this human truth? Idk. I'm stuck here.
You just described my situation to the T … except the roles were reversed - I am the wife, I was betrayed and treated how you said the betrayed men were treated when they tried to love on their wives 😢
Yes because men are more sexually possessive since our parentage comes into question in a way that women's never does. Also, the female sexual imperative is better, the male sexual imperative is more. While a man is just adding to his reproductive capacity, a woman REPLACES her husband. Night and day difference
He is correct women do do this it's almost narcissistic covertly. They become like bullies. Unfortunately I don't like bullies. So I stood up to her and she ran and ran and ran as soon as I put my foot down. Problem was I never set boundaries i wanted her to be her. But when I got tired of that and the disrespect of of whole mess and lies she told everyone to cover up her sin. I had enough.
It's a game. I don't play games anymore. After a few relationships this is how things are. Realization to the fact that I used to be a people pleaser, the magnet thing makes sense. Fact is everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Yes, i can enhance it but, another's happiness is not my responsibility. Sounds mean yes but, get cold on me I'll just refuse to sit in the freezer with you for very long.
I have to say this. Although I agree with a lot of these comments, sometimes it isn't a "character flaw" but more so there's a "crack" in the marriage and it was just enough at the time. If it was a one-time thing it is very different than a long-term thing. If the spouse is also actually eternally remorseful it makes a huge difference. So I would encourage people not to jump right to character flaws. but more or less relationship flaws and external factors that contributed.
She is still having the affair she wants to take the kids to spend the day woth him what do I do do I let her take the kids to spend the day. If I say no it feels like I want to punish her but I just want to protect my kids
Damn someone women are mean and the dont give a flip about us men and our hearts. Like we are just robots and dont hurt and bleed.... I'm going through my own separation from my wife who already had a fling.
@pdkdekock1716 Sounds like you need to get legal help for that. NO, the kids should NOT be exposed to her AP and her dysfunctional behavior. What is she modeling for them?!? She will screw them up in their future relationships. Guard them!
This is exactly what I need right now. Men and women cheat around the same amount as men, but all the content is Men cheating. Thank you!
Thank you for having a betrayed male explain their struggles and pain.
extremely welcome.
This happened to me. I tried so hard and went far beyond my capacity and ended up losing respect for myself. After 2 years of recovery and therapy it ended with me filing for divorce after learning she was still having her affair. She found out I filed and called CPS and took our son from me. CPS case was ruled out and I’m waiting for my jury trial in April. Currently I see my son 2 times a month supervised at a court house for 1 hour. I’ll take any prayers or words of encouragement. Thank you John. Thank you Sam.
so very sorry Luke. I'd be honored to stand with you in prayer bud. i'm so sorry, but will be praying.
Luke Vernon I am so sorry this has happened to you. My husband did the same thing to me. I hired a private detective and the best attorney I could find and was able to get custody of my daughter. Good luck to you in this fight
Keep your side of the street clean, everyday wake up and choose to be grateful for something. I will pray for your situation as well.
Prayers brother!!
GOOD for you Luke, it took alot of courage to make that decision. It isn’t worth the self disrespect. Be thankful you found out. While you’re in a new chapter of life, always remember that you are a one of a kind man that deserves a one of a kind faithful loving woman. You can move forward in life.
I did this too, I fought to “win him” from her and now constantly look at myself as “second best”. Praying for change.
Same here sis 😔
I feel she wishes I was him.
It's hard not to blame yourself I have been .But don't think you're number two. It's not your fault. Go
As a betrayed male spouse. This video is spot on. Every guy needs to watch this video first when dealing with infidelity..It has everything you need to know!!!
Betrayed male here. That’s my biggest problem, comparing myself. I put myself down so much sometimes. And yeah also being intimate, I’ve had to learn how to block those incoming negative thoughts about what she did with him. It’s been an ongoing struggle. It’s been a year and 4 months. Idk how I’m supposed to ever move past comparing myself and having intrusive thoughts.
I understand your feelings because I'm an betrayed male too.
I'm right there with you brother, same thoughts and feelings. I'm 16 months in.
Wow this is so good, helpful, in seeing the other side
May I make a suggestion?
It's been 19 yrs since my wife cheated and I am still going through the same thought process you are the pain is real and I dont now if it will ever go away. I'm sorry you are going through this brother I hope your pain stops. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it's my truth 19 yrs is a long time to hurt.
It’ll be a year since her disclosure in about 21 days... it’s been paralyzing to say the least... I don’t want to feel like this around her for the rest of our lives. Sometimes I just wanna throw in the towel and give up.
This is so true as I am experiencing delayed anger now. It has been a year and a half - I never dealt with my own emotions because I was fighting so hard to win him back. I still do love him and want to be with him but it is a daily struggle.
hi there. thanks for watching and commenting. this video may explain more about the delayed anger: ruclips.net/video/LKGg8o2B6dA/видео.html
Maylene Martinez My husband thought that withholding facts from me was in my best interest in the beginning. He did the trickle truth for about a year and I think that’s another reason I feel it’s taking longer to heal. Hoping things work out for the best no matter what that might be.
It will be 5 years August 4th 2023. I was so happy to have her back that i forgot to take care of my own issues.
Then after thinking about how she treated me and things she said while she was gone. Now i have so many second thoughts. I really wander if i can ever feel the same way about her
Omg. FINALLY hearing from a BH!!!! This really is amazing at how accurate it is. Please bring on Part 2 soon!!!!!!
very welcome. will be thursday.
here is part 2 ruclips.net/video/t-XxMcYBlC0/видео.html
This is what my husband did when he carried out an affair. I was doing exactly what he was doing and my husband was the one that was re-writing our past and became incredibly hateful.
Sam, your videos have literally saved my life. My son to be ex wife had an emotional affair 3 times with a person she met online from a different county. She abandoned our son and I. She has shown nothing but anger and hate towards me. She suffers from depression, anxiety, ptsd and struggled with addiction. The marriage in my eyes was over in December and she walked out on us in Jan. I struggled through the pain and anguish in my heart until I reached a place of forgiveness. She filed for divorce last month and for the past couple of months I’ve been dating a fantastic woman,who is also divorced , same length of marriage as my own. She now wants our kids to meet in a fun setting, no so intense of course. I’m very happy about that; but now I’m also very worried. My soon to be ex now is asking if I’m willing to go through church therapy. ....but my heart is no longer open to her in that manner.
I wish her nothing but the best and hope we can co parent in peace and harmony...but that window of opportunity has now closed in my heart.
I feel she’s only brought this up because of 3 things; a my very detailed response to her divorce petition, her online affair has dwindled down and I’m sure she’s heard that I’m seeing someone.
I really like this new girl and feel a connection with her. I used to want to fight for the marriage, but the vitriol and false allegations killed any romantic love I had for her. I know if I make the mistake of going back to her, like your guest said, I will be left with the “what now” moment, did I really want her back or was it ego...Time will tell and I’m sure all of us will be just fine one day. But thank you for what you do.
I'm a betrayed male. I found out 2 months ago my wife was cheating with a coworker. She says she wants to save our marriage. She says it's over but she still lies about where she is sometimes. She refuses to really talk about it and gets angry whenever I show any emotions. She just revealed that he works in the same department as her. They see each other at work almost every day. How can I even start to trust it's really over?
right now you can't. it will take work and effort and expert care. what are you both doing for help? you need a plan and a process for trust to happen. this article will help but you need more than articles or books or general counseling: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust
My wife too gets defensive about when I ask her questions, and takes 50/50 responsibility for her actions. Disclosure was 4 weeks ago. My mind keeps reruning all types of imaginations... I hate she has done to me
“Disengage to have a chance to reengage.” Blessed to hear this. I needed this.
Wow, this is touching on so many levels. Can't wait to see the other parts.
part 2 ruclips.net/video/t-XxMcYBlC0/видео.html
Behavior, behavior, behavior! There is nothing that the betrayed has done, that causes their spouse to cheat. It is a severe character flaw that must be addressed, first and foremost. I did find this session helpful though.
Betrayal would not be so hard to overcome IF ONLY the offending party would have the courage to do the right thing-acknowledge the betrayal and be truly honest on what they truly want. So that both can move towards acceptance and still create that harmony as human beings that need to be parents to their children, while living separately. For Love does not enslave, does not own. Love liberates.
Many of the points he makes I believe can also apply to the betrayed female partner. I myself have experienced it. He made it easy to relate to. Great video!
Disengaging is exactly what I have done with my unfaithful husband and I told him I have no expectations that he is free to handle his recovery as he and his therapist decide … making demands has only set us back … I took your advice and stay calm, nonjudgmental and supportive … I ask if we can take some time to talk about our situation and we set a time and stop talking when our time is up … we now treat it as a session so it doesn’t consume our entire day and we are both more relaxed and less stressed … he had a 2 yr affair so I am sure he is detoxing from his AP even though he claims he is not … he has lived such a secretive life I have realized the truth will take much more time to surface … we have been together 35yrs and I am hoping we can rebuild our relationship but only time will tell 🙏🤞🙏🤞🙏🤞
Wow it's like this video was Taylor made for me just when I needed it. Thank you
i'm so glad. makes it all worth it. thank you
I can’t thank both of you enough for this video. I am 4.5 months out from finding out about my wife’s affair and I feel like such less of a man. This helps me in a way understand what I am feeling. I can’t wait for part 2.
comes out today my friend. so glad it helped you. thanks for posting and watching.
This is so true, the guy my wife was cheating on me with was unemployed, obese, living in his moms backyard cottage, he never shaved & he introduced her to drugs. She left me saying that he made her feel worthy & that he told her deserves better. One month of living together she had two broken teeth & a scar on her face apparently.
This is the most revealing of true feelings of what is going on with my marriage thank you for this!!! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️❤️
thank you for bringing this ignored section of betrayal to light
15:26 i think it's critical to note that IT WOULD ONLY WORK, if, she's totally repentant, transparent, & goes above& beyond to repair... otherwise, there's nothing to stay for.
This is helpful to hear because after 10 weeks of counseling my husband decided to stay committed to the marriage. I jumped into hope for healing because I became committed to healing and being a safe person for my husband. The healing journey was hard but it was also the tenderest and loving moments in our entire marriage. But a year and a half into the process, I am having to complete paperwork to dissolve the marriage. He didn't commit to his own healing within the marriage and left me for another woman. Some days I'm hopeful that there will be beauty in this in some divine way, some days the weight of heartbreak is too much to bare.
I experienced a double betrayal between husband and my friend. Almost 2 years of me not knowing. I ended up betraying my husband two years into trying to heal. I didn’t do it out of spite , but because I was vulnerable from the ongoing pain and emptiness I felt . Honestly after admitting my affair to my husband I felt healed and like I could move on, but now my husband is hurt. Hoping we can get through it
hi there. it's very normal. are you getting any help? have you looked at some of our courses and resources at affair recovery?
Overcoming Infidelity yes, we have watched some of your videos together. It’s been a year since I told him , but our lifestyle is so busy with 6 kids and running his own business there is very little time for us to get outside help. I will always have trust issues, but I’ve chosen to let go of fear and enjoy my family I can’t really control what he does. It seems as though he is supposed to be forgiven for his wrong doings which my friend wasn’t the only one and I am supposed to be a perfect angel.
Samuel, thank you so much for featuring this! I am truly thankful that you were able to grasp this share to the true people who need this type of restoration and counseling!
so glad you're here George and that the video helped. thank you for the kind words of support brother.
That last bit just probably saved my marriage
My wife met up with her high school boyfriend after reunion 12 years ago. I don’t think they were sexually involved, but she hid the meeting from me and I learned about it because of a Facebook glitch that didn’t totally delete their texts back-and-forth. Didn’t sense any remorse, but thought we were in the clear until a second betrayal with the same guy five years later, this time much worse. It’s been seven years, and although we are continuing our marriage, I’m still waiting for full disclosure and true remorse
. The above talk hit the nail on the head and describing her narrative about me, our marriage, and herself. There’s just so much delusion there.
Another factor the speaker didn’t mention, is that marriage counselors always assume the guy is at fault, and we’ve been through four or five counselors, all of whom ultimately try to pin the blame and responsibility onto me. So many years of discouragement, and a feeling that I’ve wasted my love on this person who doesn’t appreciate it when I could have been giving that same love to someone who really wanted it and would have benefited from it.
Probably one the best Affair Recovery videos I've seen. Something coming from the husband's perspective of being betrayed. Funny how so many Christian guys -- even ones who have been unfaithful -- a Christian counselor who I used individually and my wife and I for marriage counseling, all said the same thing that I needed to try and woo my wife back, to do the Love Dare, to recheck out her Love Language(s). But her heart was -- and still is 3-plus years after D-Day -- so disconnected that my heart is pretty much gone. It will only be a miracle from God that we can ever have any type of decent marriage in the future.
@C.J. I'm sorry, man. How are things now? Are you still married? It's been three years...
Wow! So much of this makes perfect sense now!
15 years and I still think about it most days. Still feel the same feelings, and pain and loss and betrayal. To this day don't know what happened, other than she had an emotional affair and would never admit it. I feel that it could have gone further than that but im not sure, Lost my love, my best friend, and world. She wouldn't talk about anything, closed down, refused to admit we had a problem, she left and I had no answers. She totally disappeared, have not seen her since she left and the only time she contacted me was to tell me to sign the divorce papers so she could move on and didn't care if I hadn't moved on. Emotionally and psychologically no I have not moved on.
She was more then willing to bounce on a 13 year relationship with absolutely no reason given. Cold and calculated just told me she didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again. And that is what has happened. No answers for me what so ever.
All my friends basically stopped talking and associating with me. I was told by third parties who were supposed to have been told by her that I was abusive and physically violent. We never argued and up until the last 6 to 12 months of our relationship we told each other everything and spent a large amount of time together.
At the end she wouldn't talk or accept we had a problem, she would not be physical at all. if I tried to hold her she would stiffen up and pull away. Absolutely refused there was a problem.
Just wish I had answers but I guess that will never happen.
The person she was having an Emotional Affair with was what I thought was a friend, later found out she ended up with him after his relationship finished (don't know if she was the cause of that or not), along with other people I thought were friends deserting me, all from what I have later found still talk and associate with her. Later also found out that every discussion I had with those people was delivered to my ex but they would not tell me anything even thought many of them had been told her side of the situation. I no longer trust anyone, nobody at all.
Due to not trusting anyone I no longer have friends, I have acquaintances but will refuse to confide anything personal or intimate with anyone because of history of what has happened to me. Nobody has ever kept my confidences.
I really understand your last comment "looser of the century". Exactly how I felt and feel to this day.
You are not alone Ricky.I too went through an unwanted divorce about a year ago,and i still love her and can't let go.That is why God hates divorce.It destroys people,and Satan is behind it.I trusted my wife,and gave her my whole heart,so the betrayal of it all will probably keep me from ever trusting again,and it wouldn't be fair to another woman anyway,because I'm attached to the only one I ever loved and married.To me,you just can't forget,let go,and move on to someone else.
@rickystiffel8106 How are things with you now? Rick of Affair Recovery has an analogy that fits here: you can leave luggage behind, but can never leave your personal baggage behind. Sounds like your wife has some baggage from her past and she's just carried it to a new 'destination'. That's why AP relationships rarely survive long if they leave their spouse regardless of whether they get back together with their betrayed spouse or not. They HAVE to get to the root of their problems and heal or they're really good for no one and only tend to attract 'fellow travelers'. Misery loves company, I guess? 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you for putting into words so many of my feelings. Wow
glad you're here brother.
Finally, good advice from someone who’s been there
This is exactly what I'm doing. Fighting for my man. All the while I'm dying inside because I want him to fight for me. I want him to love me enough to fight for me. Fearful if I stop fighting for him, I'll lose him. Couples therapy starts in a week but it was suggested to me today that I seek my own therapist for help through this.
So what do I do if the AP was really better than me? He’s taller, in better shape, makes more money and is extremely confident. He’s not a loser. What does this say about me?
i don't know.....but the reality is, you still can and need to heal. just because someone affairs with someone who may seem more attractive, it doesn't mean anything. i mean, look at him, he may appear to be better looking but cheated with a married woman? so is he more appealing of a man? we can do the comparison game all day long and get lost in that if we want, but as you can see it gets crazy with minus and plus etc. i would focus on healing yourself jeffrey. using resources that can help you heal and move forward in your healing. this is a great course: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope what work are you doing to heal yourself? what is the situation that's going on with you and your spouse?
This is very true, I was trying to show her while we lived together. The day after I left, everything turned around and I was the one getting chased.
So grateful for your sharing. Just got my queries answered and thanks a lot.
Sam thankyou. i needed this info for the past year . This massage was God send. May God bless you all.
very welcome, part two comes out today.
This is so true and this is my fear. My husband seems to be focused on “just moving on” and “restoration and saving the marriage” rather than his own healing. I need him to process this and be able to grieve this, for his sake. This is why I don’t want to move forward just yet, out of fear we’ll be back to this point, years later. Is that selfish? I want real healing and recovery for both of us.
you'll need a third party and a protocol my friend. i would try the ems online or the ems weekend and go through that with him. he won't hear you on his own.
I agree with you. It’s been about 15 months since my lady betrayed me and for a long time now I could feel the focus of “just moving on” coming from her while I felt that healing still needed to occur on both our parts. We’ve just started seeing a couples therapist for this and I’m hoping this will help her recognize the void she has that needed to be filled because still to this day she claims she doesn’t know why she betrayed me, and that scares me and brings a big lack of confidence in the future of our relationship.
Shauna I've read your comments, please excuse me for asking, but were you and your husband both unfaithful?
David Coyle Jr. Yes, we both were.
Overcoming Infidelity You’re right and he doesn’t. I’m in Harboring Hope (Thank God) and plan to next take a course as the unfaithful. It feels selfish bc I want it so bad for him and for us.
Terrific interview. So informative & enlightening. Very well expressed.
What if there is absolufely NO Intimacy or discussion over the unfaithfulness?
expert help can remedy that and create safety to rebuild and reestablish intimacy. unless they are unwilling, and if that's the case, there isn't much that can be done, sadly.
I am confused.... I am a betrayed female and yet have been living through all that the betrayed male goes through. The pain is unbelievable, trying to comprehend what has been happening has been a lonely road. My husband and I seem to have been doing a role reversal in this instance.
Each word u said was absolutely true..that's what I am experiencing. Thanks
This is an amazing video. I literally just saw the story of what I been going through these past couples of months- so true!
I’m the betrayed female and this isn’t so different from my experience.
thanks for watching and posting. appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
Thank you for sharing!....I don’t know if I will ever be fully back....it’s a daily struggle.
you'll never be the same....AND that's OK and necessary. there is a new you... a new vision, a new courage. but it costs. it will also take time and the process to work friend. don't let now make you think you won't be a courageous warrior as you're healed and move forward, slowly but surely. you can do it. you must. you have to. you have a future waiting for you. you'll. be. better. though hard to believe, you will be.
As a woman, I feel these same feelings. There's so many feelings that take place after an affair or multiple affairs. This is so real. My heart really breaks for the betrayed.
Fantastic interview and so useful.
I feel like this really goes both ways especially with the ‘affair down’... can you do a video series that really digs into why men cheat?? And how it can happen after a traumatic death too??
thank you friend. Rick has done several. here are a few articles and videos for you. i hope they help you and provide insight and answers: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-why-did-they-cheat-part-one-the-role-of-oxytocin (series) www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-people-cheat
only solution to a cheating wife that is detached is for the guy to do the 180, ice cold, leave the house, and show them you don't need them. Build your own life and do self-improvement. Never show them you are needy or desperate. Either she comes back for you if you still want to restore the relationship or find a woman that has genuine desire for you - life is too short for a woman you can't trust.
Here is the man’s problem when he is betrayed. He dosnt think it’s his penis size, it’s not his physical being at all. When a socially superior female generally speaking, a women is unconsciously judging her provider “Emotionally unavailable” and typically it’s emotional stuff which most men aren’t well practiced in. I’m not good grammererer but I was literally left in the desert to die in a war so I’ve stared suicide down the barrel of an M16 and I was left with …absolute terror the entire rest of my deployment. No I’m not doing good but I’m still married because only me and my wife and my therapist and our counselor know exactly what’s up, but I know what a man goes through.
Thank you very much for this interview
I'm the betrayed female spouse and I absolutely agree with everything he was saying, that's how the process really is. At first trying to piece the relationship together and realizing there was a lot of pain there, so decided to separate for a time. It is extremely important to take care of yourself first and pick yourself back up. I explained to him how I felt like I got dropped on the side of the road and felt like a pile of dung. Trying to pick yourself up and finding that sense of dignity and respect for yourself that you feel was stripped from you. It is the absolute worst feeling and only because of Jesus was I able to stand back up again. God really had to show me my value and worth.
Great video!
Wow, that las few points about the other guy it’s a big revelation.
This is the first time I listen to that and to me it’s huge.
Thanks for shedding a little light.....$&@;. Painful
glad you're here my friend. thanks for watching and posting.
I WOULD LOVE TO PARTICIPATE IN THESE TALKS. I have been here..
Dear Samuel, please get the volume up a littlebit to all the videos! Its just so quiet I always need to get a speaker and its very annoying.
interesting. i've not heard that from anyone else before though. i also check and listen to each video myself and haven't had that issue. i'm sorry for any hassle with it.
I also have difficulty hearing every video. I love them all, but find it difficult to hear without a speaker..
@@jenniferhegg4521 OK i'll talk to a producer about the volume.
I truly believed 😪 my husband had found the woman that would make him happy n be all I was not for him to my surprise he had a heart attack n found out I was totally wrong 💔 😔 he was not as happy as I thought he was his affair was toxic n a big mess but was trapped n the woman would not ended 💔 😔 very sad
@blancajimenez4921 OMG! 😱 Is your unfaithful husband OK? If you are still in touch with him, please URGE him to enroll in the Hope for Healing program for unfaithful spouses to help him get to the root of the problem and heal. That might help him get healthy enough to break free of his limerence and the AP so he can move on with his life in a functional way, whether or not you guys reconcile.
Please us betrayed husbands need to hear more of this perspective. So many don’t understand the husbands perspective
Edit: She didn’t pick any ugly, loser type of guy.
He’s taller, stronger and women flocked to him all the time.
@sebastiangarcia41910 If he entertains multiple women, her AP will likely cheat on her, too then. Just wait and break out the 🍿!
That last 3 minutes really hit hard and made a huge weight come off my shoulders. Holy cow. I never thought of that.
This help out so much, going thru it right now and thinking I have to win her back.
Guys ! Please. Weather you want her back or not, just work on yourself first, that is key.
I am plagued by intrusive thoughts when I try to get intimate with my unfaithful wife. Am experiencing delayed anger, if u will, for my 3rd day 6 months ago learning about 3 more affairs. (1st Dday was 1 affair 2 yrs ago).
Having seen the pics of the A Ps I feel they were better looking dressed smarter & spoke very well & more kind & appreciating compared to how I was during my wife's affairs. So what should I do when I feel she bad affaired UP not affaired down ???
P.S. we have 2 children (10 & 11)
i would consider these articles for reminders and intrusive thoughts: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-betrayed-have-you-been-dishonored
www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse it's about oneness in many ways and helping your spouse to understand your comparison struggles and having them be in the process with you to help you and support you. see what you think about the articles my friend.
Mukesh how are you doing? I’m in the same boat yaar
Great!
So on point!
Worst pain you can feel after death of a so. We are Christians and my wife was a church school teacher . We hav a 12 yo daughter married 15 years... had a few arguments and she had affair with a coworker friend. Was about 6 months at least till I found out. It’s awful and I want to save marieahe but struggling with thoughts of what they did together.
And the repelling is so true and sad. Over pursuing clinging, etc.. she told me married wrong person never loved me , all to the t.
Herakles same boat here....how you doing Herakles?
Watching this years after my separation
This is 100% accurate.
Where is part 2?! Spot on!
When I found out my wife was cheating I told her "do whatever you want, we'll stay together for now but when I find a suitable partner, I'm gone." She'll do a complete 160. Even though I would have never left she didn't have to know that. If they think you might be considering another woman they'll change their minds real quick.
This goes both ways man or women 100% .
mannnn, this is so on point
So it has been 8 months since my wife had her affair we are back together now and I been giving it all that I have. Trying to make her feel special, how do I pull back now and focus on me? How do I step back to see if she pursues me? Because to me, it feels like its back to normal like nothing happen or changed.
i wonder if the answer is not simply pulling back, but getting expert help to help her see your needs and desires and how you also need to see her pursuing you? it will require objective third party help to get the message across my friend.
I need help with this chasing thing. I'm not saying 'I love you,' or like actively pursuing my wife. But, I am doing care/kindness kind of stuff more. Dishes, laundry, filling her car, etc. We are in counseling together and individually. But I don't know if the stuff I'm doing is too much and if I start pulling back, will she just think 'well, two months in and he's already back to not contributing like I think he should.' How can I give her this space during her ambivalence and handle the emotional limbo kind of waiting for her to make up her mind if she wants to actually do recovery work that is related to our marriage?
I went to these videos, to try learn what I could from them. Men have "no support" when there wife cheats(it was all his fault, he wasn't what she needed, he needs to man-up) none. There is no dealing with or how to cope to get over the wife who cheats...how to o build yourself up again, and learn to trust other than..."suck it up butter-cup". It is always toward the female side for her, when her man has and affair on her.(I get it...mostly female viewership), but still when a man is reaching out and asking for help, so he can move on and start dating again...how can he learn to trust again, find new way's to remake himself...there is no help other than step-up and dive into the pool again...sad. And yes, this is a post about how can I learn to trust again, (7years out of divorce) and yes the wife cheated. But there is no help...I guess.
The damaged isn't caused by simply having sex with another person- most of us have been with more than 1 person in our lifetime. The problem isn't having close relationships with people who aren't our spouse- most of us have friends, business partners, or family members who we are close with. The damage is done when you reveal that there was a huge illusion in the marriage, that both people have somehow been lying to themselves about their thoughts, hopes and desires, and that the partners don't trust each other enough to be frank about their human thoughts, emotions and feelings towards other human beings. It's a lie to say we only have sexual feelings and thoughts about our spouse and that they only experience these things towards us. So where do we go from there when we have the courage to face this human truth? Idk. I'm stuck here.
You just described my situation to the T … except the roles were reversed - I am the wife, I was betrayed and treated how you said the betrayed men were treated when they tried to love on their wives 😢
Wow I saw this in my parents relationship
Is it easier for a wife to forgive a cheating husband?
Yes because men are more sexually possessive since our parentage comes into question in a way that women's never does. Also, the female sexual imperative is better, the male sexual imperative is more. While a man is just adding to his reproductive capacity, a woman REPLACES her husband. Night and day difference
I could have walked away from my wife, but I chose to step towards her and watch God's redemptive love at work in her.
Will there be a part 2?
13 years have pass since and then I fall for infidelity too.
He is correct women do do this it's almost narcissistic covertly. They become like bullies. Unfortunately I don't like bullies. So I stood up to her and she ran and ran and ran as soon as I put my foot down. Problem was I never set boundaries i wanted her to be her. But when I got tired of that and the disrespect of of whole mess and lies she told everyone to cover up her sin. I had enough.
How can you have sex with your wife again??? I think I would really have a hard time ever getting over it.
What about part-2 ?
It's a game. I don't play games anymore.
After a few relationships this is how things are.
Realization to the fact that I used to be a people pleaser, the magnet thing makes sense.
Fact is everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Yes, i can enhance it but, another's happiness is not my responsibility.
Sounds mean yes but, get cold on me I'll just refuse to sit in the freezer with you for very long.
13:45 it can take YEARS...
I have to say this. Although I agree with a lot of these comments, sometimes it isn't a "character flaw" but more so there's a "crack" in the marriage and it was just enough at the time. If it was a one-time thing it is very different than a long-term thing. If the spouse is also actually eternally remorseful it makes a huge difference. So I would encourage people not to jump right to character flaws. but more or less relationship flaws and external factors that contributed.
She is still having the affair she wants to take the kids to spend the day woth him what do I do do I let her take the kids to spend the day. If I say no it feels like I want to punish her but I just want to protect my kids
Damn someone women are mean and the dont give a flip about us men and our hearts. Like we are just robots and dont hurt and bleed.... I'm going through my own separation from my wife who already had a fling.
@pdkdekock1716 Sounds like you need to get legal help for that. NO, the kids should NOT be exposed to her AP and her dysfunctional behavior. What is she modeling for them?!? She will screw them up in their future relationships. Guard them!
part 2 ruclips.net/video/t-XxMcYBlC0/видео.html