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Help for Those Who Are Trying to Get Their Unfaithful Spouse to Wake up and 'Get It'
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
- Today Samuel discusses a toxic struggle both unfaithful and betrayed spouses fall into.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I'm not going to give you the best of me if you are giving me the least of you. Love that.
facts
Bravo!! This is spot on.
So as I am watching this ( with headphones on) my supposed partner walks over and says, " on no, not this". Guess its that time.
Thank you for this video. It was spot on! I realize now that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I cannot cure it. As the result of a serious meltdown I am now focused on my healing. I am not his mother, social worker, or case manager. It is not my responsibility to send him videos, worksheets or suggest what healing modalities I think he needs. I don’t know what the future will bring. I will forgive him, the affair partners, and give myself peace. My goal is not to focus so much on “saving” the marriage but to focus on my healing only. I am not responsible for his side of the street. I am clearing away the wreckage of my past and for the very first time since D-Days I have hope. 🙏🏻
I have literally just said these words to my husband. 34 years together; he has been absent from the marriage for years. Im 63, he’s 55 - I’ve just found out he has cheated on me with a 19 year old.
You’ll find out really quickly, betrayed, if you give the unfaithful the space, step back a bit. You’re actually showing them trust to do their work and heal a bit as well. What’s inside and what the unfaithful is willing to do is going to be evident. Beware of them pretending all is well and they are on the right path. It is hard for me as a betrayed to fully let go and have the faith needed to let her try to move forward. I feel I will always have the little tiny seed of doubt about her and us..........
@Mac D, how long did you give her space? In what ways did she gain your trust if not fully? We are on the mend. Trust is so difficult when he lied many times 😔 but working on it. I'm trying not to smother him this time round since he was remorse but kind of wary that he's being this "all is well and I've cut off ties with that woman" character.
Thank you so much for the advice. I have been patiently waiting for going on 3 years to get to the point where we could talk about the situation without him getting so defensive and angry. I feel he is trying which is why I'm still here and because 23 years is alot to walk away from. He has watched your videos at my request but it doesn't lead to discussing the problem. We went to see a counselor who didn't think my husband actually cheated because he didn't sleep with her. Any time your wife finds a text to a coworker that he loves her and is crazy about her in my opinion is cheating.
Jennifer Decker I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband also had an emotional affair and our counselor acknowledges it as cheating. There is good professional help out there. Sometimes it’s harder to find.
That's definitely cheating. Find a new counselor who will validate you.
Coming up on one year and although there has been some progress, my husband will get complacent and not stick with daily recovery work if I don’t stay on him. I’m tired now so he’s going to have to sink or swim. His counselor can hold him accountable, I have my own healing to continue with or without him.
I just had this conversation last night. He won’t fix himself he won’t take on the ownership to do the right thing. I have done everything I have tried to get him to get it and he won’t get it. He isn’t helpful or trying to do the right thing by doing what needs to be done. I have done the mothering and I’m done.
Wow, this is my story. Betrayed wives still hope there’s good in our spouse especially if you have been married for so long. He can’t help us heal because of shames and he doesn’t seek help either. I think it’s time for me to completely pull myself out of this. Thank you, Samuel.
Me too.
It truly breaks my heart that I gave my husband the space and he showed me what he was willing to do. He continued contact with the affair partner and wouldn't put in the work and effort for the marriage to continue. My heart is broken. I am going to give it a few more months before I go making permanent decisions, though I feel like he has already made the choice for me at this point.
Pretty similar on my end. Four months since disclosure and then 3 months of sneaking around w/ her some more, while telling me was choosing me. His little emotional affair sweetie, that he said he would never cross that line w/ to the physical, becasuse she was half our age and therefore he said, never a viable option. Just about needing the attention he said. She was over here enough and when I finally chose to open my eyes to what people had been telling me, I saw how sexually charged it was and finally pitched her out. I've had maybe a month or so where she's finally out of the picture and he's admitted he was keeping his options open then, but fully focused on me now. We've had some talks, most like pulling teeth. A few talks he came back to continue and maybe one he initated. Not seeing much work though. I still feel like I'm doing most of it. Started watching these videos a week ago. Hid it from him, but mentioned a few days ago. No curiousity, no asking to see one. I did the infidelity questionnaire today and got stuck on the one about if the spouse is willing to save the marriage. I leaned towards: "they want to save the marriage, but want me to just get over it". I asked him to help me w/ that particular question, half expecting a blow out. I guess I walked on eggshells about it just right because he picked: the spouse is willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. I told him I wished there was an option somewhere between that, but I was leaning towards the one I mentioned.
Same boat. Hugs. How are you now?
I am in the same position at the moment.
Coming from the perspective of the unfaithful, this is the best way. I wanted to change, so I had to do and continually do the work. It was the only way for my wife to feel safe with me again.
Good on you. If I may ask what "work" did you do to get her trust back and make her feel safe? I'm the betrayed spouse and had to many times tell him to make me feel safe and start on this trust path so we can move forward :(
@@ninalove3584 same. Don't want to pester but as I add all the missing parts, new questions arise and I know he doesn't want to discuss this ever other day.
God bless you!
💯! Betrayed spouses, take note! And take it from me, this is the only way. Don’t make the same mistakes so many betrayeds make...
My unfaithful husband has been trying but in my hurt, anger & trauma it never feels like enough and for a long time he would at times be defensive. Recently (the past month) he purchased a book called “Out of the dog house” and wow I feel like he’s so much better at handling my triggers and anger and sometimes I’m only fighting myself and he’s loving and supportive. Just this week he said he would like to find another book so now he’s listening to “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” he said it’s a lot of what is said in these videos but differently in a way he felt he understood on a deeper level 🤷🏻♀️ no matter what I’m grateful for his hard work and trying to show me he is in this until we get to the other side. I’m still a hot mess with my triggers, trauma and insecurities but I know that’s up to me to heal.... *insert curse word here!!
I guess I didn't realize there were so many people out there who haven't been able to let go and move on because he didn't do and say the right things to help me. It's going on 4 years I don't feel any better about our marriage or relationship. I will try to pull back and allow him to determine if I stay or leave. Right now leaving seems much and quicker way to get this out of me. I am so tired of trying. Yes this is the best video I've seen on this topic. It's like I've told him you are not sorry...,,. you are sorry you got caught.
She is here every night and i have to listen to them. Im in the bedroom and i know she is in bed with him, hes lying and his game that he holds over me. This has been going on for cheating on me for over 10 yrs. He told her im committed but she was so selfish and she moved right on him,
U r so lucky. Mi d denies lies constantly and every chance he humiliates with a devil look in his eyes, she has made him bcome a thief, his character is the toilet , i didnt he stoop so low, when he lied to the police with a bold face lie right to their face. I thought that was called being false witness if y ou down right and lied to the cops. Isnt there a charge for that?
He has certainly shown me who he is...totally not interested in healing. I give him the space, the benefit of doubt, opened that door and nothing...just excuses.
This has been soooooooo helpful. Thank you!
Omigosh yesss!!! I've been petrified that my backing off is going to result in him showing me that he REALLY doesn't want to do the work. I needed to hear this today!!
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now Samuel. It validated me and erased any self doubt I had about how I am handling my spouse’s behavior. Thank you for being a virtual companion to me throughout my healing journey.
Do you know what gets to me? The silence! I’ve done extensive work trying to find the truth of what happened. & all I hear is, good you see I wasn’t doing anything wrong at this or that particular time. Mister, does it really matter? Say something and stop pretending everything it’s ok! I would stop asking so many questions the day that you seat in front of me, face to face & talk. Still waiting for that one thing that it’s not clear so we can move on. 🤷🏻♀️
Are there any situations where the cheating discovery is just like icing on a potential emotional abuse cake? And continuing to engage with an unfaithful spouse really just extends the exposure to and pain of toxicity the affair may have simply revealed the depth of?
May will be 2 years, still hasn’t done real recovery. But I’m expected to trust that he is a new man even with no answers as to what the hell happened. He threw his phone and shattered it beyond repair so now I don't even have his location. Oh Also I’m 36 wks pregnant. This is hard.
I am afraid he is saying no, not open to working on himself, because he really just wants me to give up. I was honestly happy in our relationship before I confronted him. I am more upset over the abandonment than the affair and wonder if I told him "we're done" I am just giving him what he wants without the work. I can survive without him, I just can't stand not knowing why it happened, just that it did happen.
Thank you for another great video which describes my situation to a T. We have done individual and couples counselling, Harbouring Hope and EMSO- All at my instigation. I'm done. I'm moving out and the incredible weight that has been lifted off me is immense.
This is the exact video I needed! I waited for four years and couldn’t do it anymore
I have wasted 9 years. He needs a 12 step program to reconnect with his soul and alleviate his guilt and shame that is generating all this anger and blaming.
But when the unfaithful doesn’t want to do the work and at the same time doesn’t want to separate, what now? I am not able to move forward to take care of myself, focus on my healing.
Coming up on the D-Day 1 year mark in a few days. I've been praying, asking the Lord to tell me what he wants me to do about my unfaithful wife, who is conflicted about saving the marriage. The Lord sent this. Thank you Samuel.
What did you end up doing i am going through same thing. My wife has had several actions of infidelity from emotional affairs, love addiction, co dependency, sex addiction, and social media addiction. It has been over a year now and we just separated two weeks ago. She moved in with another guy she met on Tinder and then she left the state. We both still love each other but she is afraid of changing who she is right now. I am god fearing.
PRECISELY, I just left him he wouldn’t do the work!
How did you get to the final decision to leave? I feel like I am getting close. It’s not what I want, but not sure what else can be done. Other than me sucking it up and just being quietly continually hurt and not healed.
@@karriwithrow1141 how is it going. I hope u r still hanging on and things r much better now..
You’re so right on! Absolutely 100% true statements you’ve made here. Thank the Lord for all you do Sam!!!
Infp here.. I made this mistake for 3 years.. I'm only 20, got married (religiously) at 17 after I fell pregnant.. He fell in love with someone else short after.. It's been a wild ride and I honestly don't think I could've coped through all this without your vlogs and recovery programmes.. Thank you so much🎈.
Do you have a bug in my house? Cause that's almost verbatim.
Perfect video to begin another year of Levon not trying to do any recovery work or healing.I'm guilty of being the guy constantly inviting her to watch the videos or do the boot camp.The more I ask, the less likely it seems that she ever will participate.It's been two and a half years. Recovery going nowhere.We've got two awesome little guys, so I'm not giving up, just super frustrated.Thanks for this and all your videos, they are very appreciated, by me, and countless others.Hope you and Samantha and your family enjoy and great 2020.
I'm a year out in the same boat. The kids make it hard because you have to hold off the chaos the wife has invited into the family.
I began doing a lot of spiritual work to deal with my own anger and it has been extremely helpful. I never understood what "presence" meant before but beginning to understand it has really helped me to let go of the anger and frustration and allowed me to gain real insight into things...'watch, pray and listen' and never make decisions under the influence of fear or anxiety have become basic approaches to each day.
God plays the long game. I don't know where my marriage ends up but I know I am able to maintain my focus on trying to do the right things for my marriage and my kids. I can't change or control my wife's behavior or mindset. I can make choices in my life that align with God's plan as it changes with my wife's freely made choices. He gives everyone choices and free will. A marriage is two people with free will so each one's choices affect the other, but we always have choices and if we listen sincerely we can make the choices God favors and internally have peace amidst the chaos and that peace is the best thing for a marriage and for children. It's not an easy or problem free peace but presence helps put things in perspective.
This was one of the best ones you did on this subject. This is very true and is kind of reassurance to those who were thrust into this nightmare and need to make some real final decisions.
OMG!!!! We just discussed this in our MC session tonight. It's definitely what I needed to watch and have reinforced. This is beyond helpful. Will be sharing this with my UH.
What about if he doesn't want help, blames me for the multiple affairs(one emotional in person dozens sexually online only) and the lies and I'm TOO afraid to try(everything is a lie in my eyes) even thou he's checking the boxes. It's been 8months and a half since the 1st D-Day and 1 month after 2nd D-Day and he's wants me to forget everything and be happy with him because he is changing but I don't believe anything or he's love for me and he doesn't want help and blames me for all
it sounds like you need to implement one or both of these article approaches: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change it may be time to draw a bit of an ultimatum and ask, request and maybe demand he get expert help.
Thank you 😔
I experience these feelings and thoughts that you speak of. I have to examine my reasons for those thoughts. I could easily not hear all of what has been stated, (that could make what was said be something that could be hurtful) and I could imagine things that are caused from my new insecurities that are brought on by the fact that I have been emotionally abused because of the betrayal. Best wishes.
He is not interested in getting back together
Right on ty sad but so true
This is my husband to a T.
It was the reenactment for me‼️ Spot on ❤️
This is totally me ! I’m trying to make my wife see her ap was using her for sex! And trying to make her see it’s crazy to throw everything away.
It’s so sad anymore
I feel I need you to talk to my husband. I'm desperate to get him to see why he needs to do the work .
No person can help get the person to see what they are doing wrong, the person themselves has too see.
I understand this approach and certainly it makes more sense than chasing and being a parole officer.
But...we have kids and a MIL/grandmother who is passive aggressively toxic to the marriage but whom the kids love. Her response to the affair when my wife told her about it was apparently that she was sorry she had gone through that (my wife had the affair). She never acknowledged to me that my wife told her. She texted me happy anniversary wishes on our wedding anniversary as if nothing was wrong.
I have told my wife I won't be a parole officer to her and that I will be here (in the marriage) but that it's up to her to initiate reconciliation at this point. I have forgiven her, because to fail to honestly do that leaves me chained to her actions.
The problem is dealing with the grandmother. I do not want to have much to do with her but she inserts herself (with my wife's assistance) and our kids are young enough that they want to do things with her and want me along too. Basically I am biding my time until they are older (our oldest is almost a teenager and already doesn't want to drive the hour and a half to go to Grandma's) and don't want to deal with Grandma all that much either, or at least don't care if I come along too.
Any ideas on how to deal with this? I would simply tell her and my wife I don't want to deal with her but that most likely damages my relationship with the kids.
This is exactly where i am. I've told my H what i need so many times. He says something dumb like well you have to remind me to do this or that. My response of course is if its not important enough to you to remember then you're telling me you don't want to repair this marriage. Am I wrong?
Omg....how true...but you don’t want to be like that...as the betrayed when the love is still there you do anything
He is not willing to do anything else. We’ve had some conversation, some what productive. Went to some unhelpful counseling where he basically just showed up. Didn’t really participate. I am trying to focus on the 80% while working on me. Not sure when I will know when to leave. I feel like if he really wanted me to stay and keep the marriage intact he would be interested in working on himself. He doesn’t think he needs any help. He’s fine. I am the overly emotional problem.
Exactly True...wow
Positive video with positive advice,.
How do I explain recovery to my spouse who is from another culture? We are having relapses. I try to explain how is acting out causes triggers and then he blames me for not trusting him. 😔
Thank you for this
Been there
Hie Samuel,
What does one do if the unfaithful acknowledges that they are not doing anything because they are depressed and just do not have the ability to do so right now. They know what should he done but, still continue to not act on it. Instead they asked the hurt partner to leave them and go make a better future without them. What does the betrayed do then? Coz the unfaithful refuses to work and instead feels like they are a doing a selfless thing by letting the hurt partner go?
at some level, it's very selfish and self pity driven. he's feeling sorry for himself and locked in what he's done to himself and somewhat you, but not in tune with true compassion or humility and remorse. here is a series on how shame locks us up and keeps us focused on us not the betrayed victim: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame he needs expert help to deal with the shame. also, you can draw a line and say get help or were done and enforce boundaries and consequences. these articles will help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
@@samshealingpodcastThank you so much for getting back :))
If you love your spouse and want to keep your marriage a heal, give them time, seek expert help. Giving up doesn't help your marriage. Who says one should be selfless? The AP would love you to do just that! The AP wouldn't be selfless!
All is fair in love and war!
Yes yes yes!!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼