How Much Is Too Much? When Should You Give up Hope?
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2017
- Samuel answers one of the most common questions by betrayed spouses: "When is enough, enough?"
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
The betrayal is too much. I still love him but I need to heal myself from all the toxicidity.
Thank you for your videos. I have struggled with my husband's infidelities. I begged, spoon fed information to get him to want this relationship. I found your channel. I began listening to all the videos. I have decided its time to save me. Im laying down my sword and shield. Im done with the anger and bitterness. I need to save me.
Christina Padilla Stay strong💕
How are you now?! ❤️
Good job, I'm there too. I could fight this tough world, I could do it alone, but I can't do it while fighting "love" on top of it all. He needed to want it as much or more but didn't.
EXACTLY!!
For all of us who are suffering betrayal and triggers, i am so sorry. I would like to send you a small ray of light and a second of peace.
You all have so much value. It is time to suffer, but you are going to make it.
I really hope so I can’t seem to connect with my wife anymore
I told my ex husband I would leave him if he cheated, and I did. I backed my word with my actions
I wish I could easily back mine
My wife had an affair and wouldn’t end it when I found out. We still live together for the kids until we can afford to go our own ways. Having to see her and know she is sleeping with someone else killed my soul. I finally got a job offer that will allow us to live apart but these last three months have been mental torture and we’ve talked about getting back together but I’m done my heart is closed off and I just want to move on.
I am passing this stage now. It is unbearable.
Good for you,wish i was that strong!!! My H told me he wants us both,he didn’t want to end it but did…..now he is upset about it and I have to watch him struggle over her 🤔😅🤕!
@@emiliajohnson2020 How is it now? Same boat…
I ended up kicking her out, she tried to normalize her affair. But I was not having it.
Sending a big hug
Totally agree with the infidelity being one of the biggest punches in the face especially with kids and with a spouse who had the affair and wants to pursue that partner instead of save our marriage. But I am worth loving others and being loved even if some choose not reciprocate.
I didn't need any reasons to stay with her. I just love her so much, I just can't live without both of us together. But I'm not able to take the visuals out of my head, those things she did when I thought we were so happy together. The healing process is the worst, painful time, I just hope this ends soon and we can get back to some normalcy. As of now, it seems like I lost the whole world and interest in everything that I used to enjoy.
Infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to relationship, no one should ever think of doing this
That's where i am too. Developing bad habits. Picking up old talents and loves again, but that's because i pretend that i could find someone else . He loves me more when i do that though. I can't get comfy with him anymore.
I am in the same place. I am so sorry, and hurt for everyone also going through the infinite pain that this is. I find myself with a Slight twitch now when I think about it.
@@WillBlindYouWithLight Don't lose hope, it's exactly 2 months today. Still I've a lot of anger, pain, betrayed, stabbed. But I feel it's getting better. There is surely some hope that in few months, it'll be much better.
Only thing is patience, and we always think it'll never be the same. That's the thought I get, but we r just hopeful that as time passes, it gets a bit easier to deal, we r both trying hard.
I'm sure u both will get back ur beautiful lives again. If u really love him, don't let go off him.
I know a lot of people will tell u that there is someone better out there. But u lived with him, u know what u want the best.
@@dezzyjones how r u doing brother.. things r not great at our end, but hope is there..
I’m still looking for hope!
My cheating husband mocked me for watching your video. The mental abuse and bullying comes easy for him.
I divorced. My XW would not admit anything. The evidence was irrefutable. Everyone knew, but she never stopped gaslighting and stonewalling. I offered to see if I could get over it, go to counseling etc. But, she would not stop the affair and would not cop to anything. So, I made my decision. It was hard but I am happier without her and have a good life now.
Wow you gave me hope brother my wife cheated and it’s like I’m scared to leave idk why but that’s the feeling I get but as time goes on I realize it’ll never be the same again I need a clean slate
I don’t feel anything any more.... I feel like I wake up in a nightmare everyday... I can even be around my kids cause all I think about is what she is doing! Right in front of my face!
hi there. if it's interrupting your time with your kids, that's a problem and a huge red flag as you want the kids to be more of an escape if you can. have you considered any meds at all to help you? what are you doing for recovery work? how are you coping in terms of professional help, recovery work etc? I'm happy to make suggestions if you'll share what you are or are not doing as well.
@@rationallogic1018 thank you brother
He’s still seeing his ap.. he has taking to accusing me of cheating as well..I’m now starting to see that his relationship with her matters more to him then ours does. All I’ve become is a stabilizer to him.. there is no love there for me on his part..I’ve made up my mind that I cannot do this anymore. I can’t sleep anymore.. I cry more than I should... I think about this crap everyday.. I have nothing.. and it saddens me. I want better and I deserve better.
i'm sorry victory. i know it's gut wrenching. maybe the writing is on the wall and it's time to move on and heal yourself?
The day I gave up was the day he told me the affair never would have happened if I hadn't of postponed my move to canada..we were so far in the swamp with problems...he did not want to get help..I did...nothing changed and I waited 2 yrs in a separation with the goal of reconciliation....reconciliation came it lasted 6 months and he finally said it was my fault for his adultery...that was my ahaa moment..I won't stay in a marriage and have bitterness consume me I would rather leave the marriage and be alone the rest of my life...as I have looked at all the evidence I can clearly see my soon to be ex has narcissistic tendencies....I got schooled in all the traits and Wow! I thought this is what I am dealing with! Everything became crystal clear. A classic borderline personality disorder....and he hides it from all of his friends....you know the saying.....we don't know what goes on behind closed doors....
thanks for watching and posting renata. i'm sorry it didn't work out but sounds like you did what you could to try and save it.
I'm glad to hear you mention the abuse aspect. So many unfaithful are also emotionally and verbally abusive, controlling and manipulative. How can I stay in this abuse with the new revelation of adultery?
I don't think you should stay in this abuse my friend. If it's truly abusive, and they won't change or make changes or get help, I would encourage you to consider finding a way out.
It can go both ways. Many faithful are emotionally and verbally abusive as well, controlling and manipulative, even before any affair occurs. They might even claim that their abuse was 'reactive', without accepting that it's still abuse against their partner and will probably lead to bigger issues. And, it can be a cycle. Without placing blame, men and women show and expect love in different ways, and when you add into that different attachment styles, it can be a slowly evolving disaster. It can probably be fixed if caught early on, but since men and women often have different styles of communicating, providing that safe, managed space to discuss issues or 'feelings' can be a challenge. Worst thing to do is complain to your friends and party pals who will probably convince you to do the wrong thing. OBJECTIVE EXPERT is key. People are imperfect but if love for each other is there and a true willingness of BOTH people to change themselves and the relationship dynamic is present, it can work out.
Thank you for this video. Today I asked my husband to leave our home. It would be my hope that we could get help, but for now I will pursue new life. I’m scared, but will not allow my heart to continue to be broken. You do not give false hope in these videos and I appreciate that. Is affair recovery a place I should be seeking help from if there is no longer a marriage to save?
i'm so very sorry. yes, you can find help there for your own healing. specifically, i would look at the course for betrayed female spouses called harboring hope here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Please pray that Mike & I find our way back to our peace, joy, happy, & love through the learning, recovery & healing of wrong decisions.... my heart is so shattered.... 🙏🙏🙏🙏
My wife cheated on me within a year of being married. We were in the process of trying to get pregnant when I found out she had been having an emotional/physical affair with her boss. We did a years worth of couples counseling as well her seeing her own counselor. Finally now that I see no forward movement including justification for the affair and no remorse or empathy I decided to move forward with the divorce.
Brian Lipscomb I'm kind of in the same boat. How did things go?
Good luck to both of you,
Brian Lipscomb Bless you! I know it was tough.
I can relate.
Ditto
I have been watching these videos this morning. Thank you for sharing ❤️ I have been divorced for 8 years. I have also struggled for 8 years. My husband left me for a much younger girl. Many events were taking place at the time. My mother had passed away a few years prior, my father was dying from multiple myeloma. My daughter was flown 3 months prior to my fathers passing my other daughter had her appendix out one week prior to my fathers passing. I was going from hospital to hospital and going to work. My husband started drinking. He is still with her to this day. My nightmares started a couple of nights ago again. We did not ever have closure. Sometimes, more often than not, suicide crosses my mind. I stay a lot in prayer. I do a lot of mind work but the whole marter ... thing. It’s not a marter . It is a constant trying to heal.
i'm so sorry bethany. you need support and community my friend. this course will help you find exactly that and help you heal: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope there is a scholarship you can apply for if needed too: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request
I'm so sorry for loss. I hope you're healing.
I’m there! 2 years I went through him lying knowing I shouldn’t trust him. I had an awakening after being stuck…….he’s sick, and not my husband anymore. His sickness healed me and my own sickness…..abandonment issues. I got the best out of him and pray god heals him but I’m moving on. He’s to emotionally immature and it almost killed me. I tried to grow with him……he would rather go back. He woke up one day and the midlife crisis took a man with narcissistic tendencies and turned him full blown. I’m sad for him……
Thank you Samuel! You always know when to hit the right topic in my journey at the right time for me. Thank you and Affair recovery for seeing both sides with so much insight.
I broke my neck and had to have emergency surgery in 2020 to restore function, with a year and a half recovery and still need a second surgery to decompress my nerves.
During my healing from the first surgery my wife decided to keep going out to bars and the gym, claiming it was a group, when it wasn't. She was also lying about who she's was at the gym with, has missing time, hotel stays and a bunch of lies that culminated in a, as she says, "rumor" about her sleeping with people at her job.
All this at a time when I was dealing with suicidal ideation from the medication. 2 suicide attempts later, I had internal bleeding, which only recently stopped this past September. Now I'm trying to move forward with the 2nd spine surgery, but don't trust my wife enough to go back through another recovery period. Her leaving me with 4 small kids, fresh out of a surgery to restore function to my arms, while you run the streets is a lot. And her rumor on top of it all is too much.
I feel betrayed, the trust is gone and I don't think we are going to be able to come back from this. But at the same time, I'm stuck at home in need of another surgery and she just ignores it and acts like she didnt do anything. Then gets upset with me because I'm not in a cheerful mood.
Walls and barriers are going up fast. Now I have lots of triggers and because I never healed from the mental health issues caused by the meds... all that anger, mistrust, need for self deletion, trauma is all being attributed to her regardless if it's her fault or not. It's to the point where her presence causes me more physical pain due to the stress of it all. And I do mean physical pain... my health condition requires me to live a low stress life otherwise 3/4ths of my body will burn all day.
The gaslighting, lies and avoidance is killing the marriage. I wanted to leave many times over while she was "out", But my 9 y/o daughter asked me to stay and I couldn't say no to her. I couldn't break her heart like her mother did mine. She still tries to claim innocence, because she hasn't been fully caught because she deleted everything.
No remorse or empathy.... Indifference... That's when. But having kids... You're right. That changes everything. He abandoned us all but I fight so hard so our family can still be as normal as possible... Even though he doesn't even want it... Our sons don't deserve to hurt like this.
Oh god I've become a martyr.
How have things changed since you,posted ? I just had our dday so very fresh but what you described is my daily right now .
"You just need to read 1 Peter and submit to your husband"
"You just need to be quiet about it all"
"You just need to not speak from the pain in your heart"
"You just need to forgive him"
"You just need to have faith in God"
"You just need to fast for 14 days"
"You just need to fast 30 days"
"You just need to pray for him daily"
"You just need to change"
"You just need to be sexier"
"You just need to lose 20lbs"
"You just need to focus on how good he treats you and dont worry about what he does in secret"
"You just need to stop reconnaissance, its not your business what he does"
"You just need to remember King David"
((as if the unfaithful is also a God-fearing king )))
"You just need to leave"
how sadly inadequate we are at advising each other, even in the ministry.
Oh wow! I am a Christian and I can tell you Christisn counseling has not helped me heal from betrayl... I feel they don't get the severe Injury I feel
I agree. Unbelievably sad but oh so true.
How so TRUE!!
The other one is "you just have to focus on your sins and let him focus on his", or
" You just have to provide a more peaceful home" or
"Be more loving...."
@@beautyforashesministries6257 i read your comment and agreed. My church let me down and just abandoned me with all the hurt I was going through. I did not give up on God but I have little trust in church leaders anymore. Have seen too many women hurt by pastors also.
I am exploring this channel as a result of dealing with alcoholics and I feel the same about al anon. Christianity has some decent aspects but idk about their recovery processes.
This video was unbelievably helpful to me. Thank you for doing what you do and sharing so much
Its a kick in the face to trust 💔
Thank you! I'm having such difficulty with this however listening to this video and reading comments has helped. The answer is getting clearer.
Are the kids the only reason to save a marriage? what about when the kids get older and leave the house?
kids are not the only reason. sometimes on the front end they may be the initial motivation and that's ok. though they may be the initial motivation they won't and don't have to be the only motivation. just because the initial motivation is maybe not perfect, doesn't mean that it's not still motivation enough to save the marriage or at the very least give it a good shot.
Thank you for this. I've been married to my second wife since May of 2011. January of 2017 I discovered my wife had an affair. I caught her. She wanted a divorce. I urged her to keep working at it. March of 17 (Spring Break) she disappeared for the week to go be with another man in New York. We live in Texas. I found the messages she sent just before she left and did not know where she was during that time. She had been both verbally and physically abusive (albeit limited on the physical abuse) to me and verbally abusive to our children. She decided to move out in April and by July had told me she wanted to move back in, couldn't live without me, etc. In March of this year, she punched me several times while driving home one night and just as the other times said she couldn't promise me she wouldn't hit me again. We've just been going along, stopped going to counseling in December of 2017, and much hadn't really changed. I filed for divorce in September after telling her I was done in August. Suddenly, she is going to counseling promising she won't ever hit me again, and a week after I filed she sent a long email titled "My truth" in which she admitted to having kissed several men going back to as early as 2012 and 2015, and admitted to sleeping with 3 other men from January through April/May of 2017 when we were reconciling and she was missing me so much. She says this is so she can fully be in the light and own her brokenness. I still don't trust it as the complete truth, and believe this to be a last ditch effort because she feels a loss. Everyone says are you sure you're going through with it? What if she is willing to work on it? And then in the same breath says well you're biblically justified. I finally got to a point where I didn't care about what other people thought or trying to do the right thing. I am no longer afraid of her and have been healing. I hope she does the same, but that is not my responsibility or concern other than ensuring my son is being cared for which I don't doubt until he gets older and has his own thoughts and feelings independent of hers. The advice about no longer being a victim is huge.
so glad you're here my friend. i know it's a tough road
Wow I read this and it sounds like the symptoms my spouse had. I found out as a kid he was diagnosed with ADHD so he went to a few doctors. Found out he has bipolar also. Hypersexuality plays a role in his mental condition. This doesn't excuse physical abuse even tho it explains things. I started recording his fits & abuse. That helped him immediately to catch his behavior & take control. I hope you're safe.
Could be that she is a covert narcissist, and manipulation, control and emotional outbursts are how she's always made her environment 'safe' for herself. (Fear of abandonment..) She probably has very little conscious control of these behaviors and will eventually find someone who will, like you, take years to recognize it, or will just try to keep the peace. Until she realizes that she has some deep rooted mental issues, she won't change. At least not for long.
I believe just today I figured out my husband is more than likely a narcissist.
i'm sorry. even if he is, there still can be hope. he may have significant narcissistic tendencies too. either way if he will commit to getting help, there is hope. you can also work on you and get help for your own recovery. one of the best ways to fight narcissism is to educate yourself, empower yourself and become self aware and aware of his tendencies and how he operates. you can protect yourself as well. tomorrow harboring hope opens and it's a great way to help YOU in your own recovery: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
My husband told me he is not interested in recovery or counseling of any kind! He has given me his word numerous times that he has cut all communication with the other woman. Each time he has lied! I am trapped in a sham marriage because I am an older stay at home housewife and he is the only one bringing income into the home. Each time the Hope registration opens we are depleted of funds. I have documentation he is financially supporting the other woman. I am so heart broken!
im sorry Laurel. use this link for the scholarship application and get help for you. the harboring hope course would be great for you: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request
Mine too
Thankyou been watching all morning. Been going through alot last two years but i'm not sure if I can get past this. Watching these videos I'm ready to work on myself and my kids. Put in a timeline for improvement if not ready to go forward by myself.
@@veronicad8742 Hi if you feel that you are a threat to yourself please call 1-800-273-8255 for help, please take care!
Thank you once again Samuel for this talk.... I have taken it onboard and will look to a better life...I am exhausted from all the games that are played in infidelity... and I don’t want to be a victim to my husbands selfish life..
I think I'm done... I'm going to have nothing and no one left. I have no direction, and in a new, strange place. I'm scared, hurt, and alone.
I'm about to get fired because I can't sleep until 2hrs left until work then I sleep late.
I'm sorry my friend. what type of recovery work have you been able to do for YOU?
Praying for you 🙏
I know where you are at I have traveled your road....I was abandoned... coming home to a note telling me he wants out...I had to move immediately as I had no money to pay the rent...I lost my job...I had severe reaction to the stress...all within 30 days..
I didn't think I was going to make it..I never turned to alcohol or pills..I just got up everyday and made it thru with God's grace as painful as it was....keep standing, keep hoping, keep believing and keep trusting in God....May the Lord be with you ..
Blessings dear friend...
Your definitely not alone
I am a husband who was cheated on and 7 yrs later it still affects diff facets of my life
What I recommend is to get the right doctor or therapist that deals with infidelity
Mis diagnosing does occur and you need the right care
Lean on a good friend or family member for support
I will pray for you
Also
I know it’s difficult it happened to me but rest as much and try tea w honey
Plus exercise as much as you don’t want to it will help with Some or any anxiety
Mike
Years later this is still great advice.
A subject that it’s time to consider for many of us
I love your channel !!!!! You are amazing
What if the one that cheated. Refuses to talk about the affair? 29 years. My high school sweet heart. Only Man I ever slept with. Im devestated!!
tough question, but it depends on if you're willing to force the issue, demand he get help and find an objective third party to discuss the affair in a safe place.
@@samshealingpodcast Ive tried. He refuses. Claiming he dont want to talk about what tore us apart. But in all its not fair to me. He was man enough to cheat but not man enough to talk to me.
@@glendatalamantes8106 i would get help for you as soon as possible my friend.
Still nothing has changed :/
Oh honey. I feel your pain.
When they blame you for their choices and never take responsibility.
The hardest thing is to know moving forward will destroy the other
not sure what that means totally my friend, but glad you're here.
1 time not matter what we got kids etc you got 1 time to betray me and that’s it 🤷🏽♂️ won’t give anyone the chance to do it over and over
My Husband lie over and over again to me ! And now for 1 month ago he told me he cheated on me with a Escort ! I don't know what to do ? ..
I'm so hurt , and angry :(
We been married 9 years
jennifer Artis I'm sorry
I m sruggling. I love him I want our family to stay together. He loves someone else too. It is so hard knowing I am sharing him. But we actually have a great marriage and family life. To traumatize my children, I don't think my feelings are.enough to deny the kids a loving home. Im so stuck. I didnt think I would be. This place I am in and what many of you are probably in, just sucks. Really really sucks. I wish I cared more about me than my family unit
How are you doing? My wife decided to step out and start a new life! My children are young and it breaks my heart knowing my situation. I just wanted to say I’m praying for you and God didn’t create you to live heartbroken. I’m praying for you
I'm in the same boat, but my husband has been cheating as on-the-spot hookups with random women he finds at bars, clubs. I'm humiliated, disgusted, and devastated. He feels like his eyes are open now, and he thinks he can change. How can I ever trust him again? I want to leave but I have 3 kids, and the youngest is a toddler. I'm so heartbroken for myself and my babies
It’s been over a month since I’ve caught my husband in an emotional affair.. he’s been doing it for about 4 months and I had no idea.. supposedly he has cut ties with the AP, but he doesn’t want to consider counseling and he wants the both of us to just focus on ourselves. Very frustrated and confused. I have so many unanswered questions.
it's very normal. he probably doesn't want the uncomfortable feeling of talking about his failure and the infidelity. many who are unfaithful don't want to talk about it as it triggers their shame and they make it about them and not you. this series will explain more for you: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame what you're experiencing is very normal, but not helpful. getting the right help and finding a safe expert third party will help, but he will need to understand this is not optional for you. you can try this articles approach: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate
How is it now? What happened
oh, Samuel..... Thank you.
That was spot on
I have been struggling with this very subject for the past few days very strongly. My husband of 12 years had been having an affair with a co worker. They were romantically involved for 8 months, during that 8 months I found out about it 4 times. I ask myself every day what am I doing here? Why don't I jist leave? The only answer I can come up with is that I love my husband. But is that enough to hold our marriage together ? We have been in couples counseling which helps some. But I still seem to be struggling with this and being able to move forward.
A two year affair is to much. Lair doesn't deserve the life that was deceived. How many of us faithful have had STDS ...I have. What kind of person can look themself in the mirror when they're going out and screwing someone else and coming back to a faithful life and family I don't understand the concept of this mentality once twice okay work through it two years you're a fool to consider
I honestly don’t even know what started everything he has not told me the true reason behind everything was and he has not been honest or forthcoming with information until recently and now here we are 3 years in and most of the time he was lying about what he was doing giving trickle truth which turned out to be all lies and now when I’m ready to give up because this is truly killing me and wants to to stay. It feels so selfish on his part. I feel so led on and so jerked around by everything always having to be on his time.
He has been and now I see looking back on everything he has be emotionally abusive
Mentally and unfortunately we have had some alterations. I feel like when he only puts in time now just because of covid 19 and because I have to tell him I’m over it when he has had plenty of time to tell the truth. I now feel like a doormat and I’m a marter because we have a little one and I want what’s best for him
Thank you
There are so little good therapists that know how to deal with betrayal, addiction, and trauma. Most therapists have wounded me almost irreparably.
But, I’m not going to give up on God’s Hope. I’m getting my health back because it’s been ruined by the trauma from my spouse’s continual inconsistencies in recovery and the counselors ( one in particular) that we sought.
I think one Christian Counselor in particular was playing Battleship with me.
I wouldn’t just forgive because I’m a sinner too after decades of lies and a seemingly repentant spouse ( Who was still lying), and I refused to agree to every thing he wanted Me to do as the Betrayed!!
I realized this man has lived a charmed life and has an ego. My life and my spouse’s have had hurt and dysfunction.
I was gullible enough to go back two days ago and he let my husband rant and rave, talk over me, and blame me. Samuel, I’m done with him. He’s got a daughter. One day her Prince will come, and he’d better hope it’s not The Dark Knight.
i'm sorry Tu. i know it's a tough road. sometimes, it's just time to move on and start the next chapter of your new life without the abuse. i'm sorry for the pain you've had to endure. but, this is a chance to be courageous and pursue new life, new purpose and healing. i'll pray for you. thanks for always watching and commenting.
Thank you. I am not giving up, but the knot in my stomach, is looser, despite the situation being seemingly negative, or stagnant. I know how to respond and also have regained self love, with your help here, on RUclips. Thank you!
so glad the videos have helped you Bryan. thanks for watching and posting.
Timely.
I love you man.
back at ya my friend. glad you're here.
You guys got me through. No analysts, just your words. All fixed up now.
I heard that I have to forgive as soon as I can. Forget and never come back to it. I heard it from husbadn who cheated
Thank you! I needed to hear this today. I just want to be done.
Hello
My spouse cheated on me. He says eventually he will get help, but not right now., I asked him to come to church , I would go to counseling and wait while he goes. Tell him I forgive him, I still love him.
Nothing has made him get help.
I have nothing left, we are divorced because the depth he went. Should I give up and how?
Thank you
if you're divorced rochelle, then it appears nothing has scared him away from losing you. i fear that it's over and you should pursue the next chapter of your life passionately and expectantly. i know it's hard and i'm sure you've been through so much, but it's time to rise up, focus on you and your next chapter of life. take this course on the site for your own healing: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope if finances are tight due to the divorce you'll see a scholarship application. I would do that, and then get some good strong divorce care at a church close to you.
I’m I. Shock my wife of 14 years is in a limerence affair we have a 12 yo daughter.. I’m literally home forgiving her and loving her and being patient
She just keeps it going with this divirved co worker and he has talked her into considering dovorve..
I keep stressing her please don’t put our child through this
She’s a Christian too and a church school teacher I can’t fathom
How this happened.
Am I insane for wanting to save this bc I love her and want to save our fsmily and I can’t imagine putting our child through this ?
I keep asking her how can sh do this not only to me but tomour child..
I don’t know how I can get her to her professional help . I’m just hoping God opens her eyes
You have to let her go and focus on yourself...no contact rule!
God can't open her eyes, she gets to choose. If she chooses to give it a chance then God may be able to help, but He can't override her agency. It is the one thing we have to give and we must do it willingly.
Hi did you guys work it out?
So d day is coming up because my spouse cheated and lied and left our marriage and me for the girl he cheated on me that was his past x girlfriend from high school. I don’t know what to do. I gave it a year to see if he would give that up but he doesn’t want to. I really don’t want to divorce but I don’t want to stay in limbo.
I blame myself, I struggled to have sex, I'm not sure why. He paid me compliments but I felt emotionally alone. When we had sex I found he always wanted to keep making it kinker and kinkier, it made me feel like an object instead of flattered. He's chased woman online for years and the past 5 months and actual in person affair. He won't give me the ap name and I feel I need that
I can’t take anymore,at this point…. if i don’t get honesty about the affair,I won’t be able to move on! Enough is Enough,Now! 🤕
Can you recommend an expert in certain states/areas? Everybody I called claims to be the right person for me/us without even knowing or asking about our story first. I don't know whom to trust but long travel is not an option due to severe physical disability. How can I contact you? I don't think the comment section is the proper place to discuss locations and details.
Thanks!
go ahead and reach out to info@hope-now.com and ask them to push it to me.
John Piper says to read Hosea.
I still have hope
It's going on 3 months for me and I still have hope. I can't say that is the right response but that is what I'm feeling. She moved out the day I confronted her and has been out of the home since. We have been talking and she told me she wants to come back home but she has to work on herself because she doesn't want to hurt me again. Just a few days ago after her therapy session she text me that we need to keep communication to only practical things and we can talk on our relationship through a therapist session with both of our therapists which they will try to set up in the next two weeks. This sent me down a downward spiral with my emotions and my mental state. I feel like I'm back to square one. We've been together 25 years and have 5 kids together. I still have great love for her. As cliche as it sounds I can't get her out if my mind....I want this pain to end....
How is it going?
If there have been2 or 3 or 7 affairs then this partner is clearly not A) willing or B) capable of extending a healthy relationship. Still, a couple can build their relationship around this destabilizing fact in order to prepare for the next so the family remains as stable as possible when it does.
my and my husbands situation back in 2016 and 2017 should of been a too over the top too much pain .....ordeal. forgiving one offense or one sneaky relationship is quite enough....but more info just kept coming to me and more and more until it nearly broke me to the point of insanity pain level!! it was five extramartial partners!!!! and i have and Never Will cheat on my husband. he feels like scum for what hes done but it took him awhile to get there to that mind set. hes very self preservation type. im very christian raised and i stayed becuz i meant my vows for Life. thats a covenant. i will not add more pain to the pain that was placed there by my husband.
I'm in the same boat now. Did things get better/worse?
As the betrayer, how/when do I give up on getting my wife and family back?
hi Brandon, I'm sorry you're even having to have this thought. i know it sucks and hurts like hell. what is your wife saying to you? is she open to getting help at all? how long ago did she find out? you can also email me at samuel@hope-now.com for a brief description too.
I just don't understand why you would want them if you wanted to betray them in the first place? I really struggle with that concept.
One of the only things that God approves of divorce is infidelity.
very true.
disagree. The word says, in the beginning, it wasnt like this... but because of the hardness of our hearts, he allowed us to get divorced... Did jesus divorce his unfaithful bride(the church)? He died for her..while we were still sinners.
Where do start looking to make sure we get good solid help and not waisted time?
i would look for therapists who have been through infidelity before, or have treated it for more than 10 years. then i would see about a phone interview with them to ask them questions about what process they use for couples in crisis due to infidelity and what training they've had for dealing with infidelity and trauma.
What a horrible horrible thing
I'll probably get crucified for saying this, but I'm the unfaithful, and I'm ready to give up. It's been 9 months since dday, and since then I've radically changed behaviors, and devoted myself to my marriage. Everyday is eggshells, every time I leave the house, she goes through the phone records and questions every call or text I make. I try to give her compliments, but every one she turns around and makes a negative comment out of. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and when I go to meetings, I cant focus on the meeti g, because if I miss a call or text from her, I get 40 more angry ones. I have given full disclosure on details, but yet shes asks the same questions over and over. I feel like a possession more than a partner, because she has no respect for any boundaries. If I try to talk through any of my hurt or discomfort, it gets turned around on me. I'm stuck between "I deserve this" and "this is too broken to fix". I'm really lost, frustrated, tired, and fighting to hang on to my sobriety. Any input would be greatly appreciated, even if it's just "suck it up, you asked for it".
Betrayed here. You need to give it more time. The biggest thing in a relationship is trust. Having a great sex life and being financially well off is important but trust is number 1. You have to trust someone to have a truly sexually rewarding relationship and need to trust someone to talk about life and finances. Think of every conversation you had with your partner when the affair began and how it would feel knowing that all that time she was thinking of someone else (even if she wasn't). Any joy or hardships your partner felt during that time, all the trust she had in you felt like a lie. You complimented her? You still cheated on her. Those compliments begin to feel like lies. When she found out and you compliment her now, why should she believe in what you're telling her? She goes through your belongings? When she let you be yourself the first time you took advantage of that trust and freedom she gave you. How does she know that you're not talking to the cheater? I'm not trying to hate on you but as someone who has been cheated on this is what's going through her head. You need to give her time, a year, 2 years, 3, etc. to be able to feel any semblance of trust again. Think of this as your atonement. Best of luck to you.