Infidelity's Paradox: Is It Better to Stay and Try to Heal or Walk Away?
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- Опубликовано: 14 июл 2024
- Today Samuel answers a viewers question about when it's better to walk away from your spouse.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Never thought in a million years I'd be watching a video like this. I'm so sad and hurt by my partner's betrayal. We are so raw right now. He seems to be genuinely remorseful but a few hundred times a day I think, "Why??" "How could you do this to me?" Every day it seems to both get better (learning so much about relationships) and worse--the pain, the pain...I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. He started getting therapy right away so I'm hopeful...Good luck to you all.
Hey colleen, I see it's been a year. This ia how my husband is right now, I'm wondering how is it after 1 year?
I feel your pain, im going through the exact the same right now.
Everyone - I mean EVERYONE- said I should leave. I lost friends because I stayed. Did I consider leaving? Every day. The smartest decision I made was to wait 6 months before making a final determination. “Never make a long term decision on a short term emotion.” I had given this advice to so many and knew I had to stick it out long enough to really work through those initial emotions. It was hard. It’s now been 4 years since D Day and I’m proud of the work we’ve done with our therapist to save our marriage. She pointed out that we had a strong foundation on which to rebuild a new life. So many good things have come into our lives because we chose each other again. I never thought I’d be a betrayed spouse that stayed, but I am and we are much happier due to the hard work we’ve done to rebuild our lives. It can happen if BOTH partners are willing to start over.
That is great news!!! Things in life some times shows us who really are our true friends. Don't worry about others. You made vows with your spouse for better or for worse. Forgiveness is key!!! Love is unconditional!!!
I so hope you guys are still doing wonderful...I am the one who cheated, and my love moved on in 3 mos. We were together 11 years, I know I didn't put enough in our relationship for her to wanna stay, I just wish I had one chance.
God bless you guys.
Am so happy yo hear this.
Yes yes yes yes yes!!!! I to am sticking it out throught short term emotions before making a long term decision, I 100 percent agree with your comment and I wish more people thought this way as I to have lost friends and family members because I stayed.
Did you wait six months from DDay or 6 months from a different point?
I swear you're following my recovery! I walk the line between staying and leaving like a drunkin sailor! The pain somedays is unbearable.
I totally feel the same way!!
I don’t know what I want...and I don’t know if he wants to make it work. How do I find these things out?
Me too
@@GODSCHILDOFTRUTH yea...im in the same boat..i wish i could just know
Your not alone.
This is the situation that Im dealing right now 😭I don’t know if Im going to stay or walk away cause wherever I go,whatever I do the PAIN is Always there 😭😭😭
Did you walk away
Wow, I really understand how you are feeling. I hope you are well ❤️
You wrote this comment 2 years ago. How are you now? What did you decide?
😭😭😭
I have this pain, too. So what we should do? The best is: Accept the Situation right now, Work on yourself to become the best version. Use the pressure to grow like never before. This is the foundation for a possibility of your marriage restoration. And If Not you are able to build a new strong relationship. God bless 🙏
Staying is best for our children. That’s what I hold. It’s so very hard to even breathe sometimes 😔
Suzi Monkey
Me too. 😔
Our daughter just turned 18 and my husband and I are done after 23 years of pure hell, porn addiction and strip club addiction has me saying bye...
I can empathize with you on this. I love my child and that is the reason why I am willing to try to save my marriage. However, I am not going to lie. It has been overwhelmingly difficult. It is hard to trust and sometimes find myself feeling like a loser. I would have left long long ago because of her infidelity if I hadn't anything to lose.
Suzi i am with you on this. If i left it would devestate my daughter. I am a betrayed husband
Suzi, I too am a betrayed husband. We were married just 5 yrs. & had a 6 month & 3 yr. old when she entered into her 3 year affair!! They fell in love, she lived a double life...how could I share custody of my children after what she did!? I love my kids more than life, I would die for them, which is what happens to your soul!! It's a spiritual death...but my children will know no pain because of her selfishness, immaturity and immorality. I can't make them suffer from her mistakes. Children ARE a noble & just cause fo marriage reconciliation! You are doing the right thing...you'll find happiness, it will be mared with bouts of sadness, loneliness, resentment but those feelings will fade. The children will be saved!! God bless
This was helpful. My unfaithful spouse is continuing to lash out at me and blame me for his cheating. It makes me sick. I am choosing separation to set a boundary. He won’t do the work.
How did your situation end up?
I'm at a crossroad of choosing to stay or leave for good. My husband and I are 24 weeks separated. The trauma of infidelity has changed our whole life, our relationship, and my love for him. It is definitely frustrating when there is alot of uncertainty.
expert help is key my friend.
Isn’t it selfish on all levels, the spouse that cheats always comes back and makes the betrayed make the decision. No self control, no thoughts of repercussions, and no drive to finish it.
After 3 years from the day and 2 1/2 years of living through an affair. She ended it 6 months ago but has no made any movement and filed for divorce 2 months ago. I am moving forward to not walking away but moving forward. I think I have been co-dependent. She needs to carry this alone for a while. No professional help or movement to do so by her. I going to move out and continue my healing for my kids and me. Maybe she will come around once I am out of the house but doesn't matter now I am healing. Setting my Boundaries!!! Woot Woot!!
Updateeeeeee pleaseeee
Sam, thank you. You have had a tendency over the past two years to answer burning questions through your video blogs that I’ve never get to ask you beforehand. You’re making a bigger difference than you realize.
incredibly kind of you to say that. thank you
Once again, you nailed it! Thanks for covering this topic. So many need to hear it. Staying or leaving both take courage. I'm praying for those struggling with this decision today.
Agreed. Staying or leaving both takes courage...
Thank you.
Thanks for your prayers 🙏🏼
I am so thankful for these videos. When I first started watching these videos I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling.
so glad they have helped. honored to be a friend.
This is exactly at the point where I am. I'm going to really re-listen this video before I make my final decision. There is no need to keep wasting time on somebody that does not deserve you to invest time, effort and love. Unfortunately, Sam, Not all men are like you who really decided to make the change and work at it. I made a fatal mistake of choosing the wrong person at a very young age, 16 years old, now at 59 which I will be tomorrow, 43 years later, I have to go through the excruciating decision. Thanks for offering this information at the most horrendous this time of my life.
honored to be a friend. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
I thought I had it tough. 23 years together, an 18-year anniversary 1 weeks after I found out about his affair. It's been about 1 month and I am still reeling. Good luck to you.
I've chosen to walk away from my marriage and relationship. I choose acceptance, because I honestly believe we as a couple are incapable and unwilling to reconcile and beginrecovery work. Im planning on continuing with the divorce my wife filed. Shed already moved on to another relationship with her ap and has no intention of ending her affair. I believe that its best for me and my children to let her go. My patience and love has run its course. I am concentrating on self repair work and focus on raising my children without their mothers involvement.
My wife cheated on me also....................I'm lost
Blessings to you and your children. I hope the mother isn’t abandoning the children. I hope you’re not keeping them from her. It will screw them up for life. There are many videos on this available so you don’t need to believe me. Believe these qualified experts.
Never felt offended. You and your team have helped me so much. God has guided me and given me the strength to continue moving forward. Today I received more trickle down bs and information on communications from my unfaithful ...again. 9 months in and I still fight the battle alone with God on my side. Salute 07
Still getting new disclosures 6 years later. It seems to never end for some of us. Assume there is more to come.
May I ask you both (without giving any details) why is it that "disclosures" are still happening in your relationships? Is it because you keep asking or because the unfaithful is willingly giving up the information as some form of repentance? I hope you dont mind me asking!
I think you are topping the content just continously!! Im so grateful! Amazing topics! Amazing elaboration!
By the way I also asked myself this question so many times. Im so glad I stayed. My spouse did HORRIFIC things, but he STEPPED UP, and did EVERYTHING to help me heal, reworked himself, went for counselling, went for EMSO with me, and really REALLY sat down with himself why he did things, how he thought this was "acceptable", and at the same time RECOGNIZED how valuable I am (and have been), and he did (and does) everything to be the man who deserves to love a woman like me. And I love him back the same way.
thank you so much. great to hear things are moving in a great direction. slow and steady.
milomazli I’m so HAPPY 😃 FOR YOU BOTH🤗🤗🤗
Lord bless you! Allelujah!! I pray that happens for me as well. Right now he is divorcing me after he’s the one who has been committing adultery with a woman for years. I have tried to hold on but he’s divorcing me and there is nothing I can do. But our God can do.
I love this so much. Sadly, mine is doing everything except admitting that he had an affair. I feel like I could forgive and heal and work through it with truth, but without it I feel just shattered all the time.
Samuel, you are literally saving me. I am so grateful I found your videos and Affair Recovery website. I am quite knowledgeable in psycology, at a same time I needed exactly healing from infidelity. I am 35 weeks pregnant, married, we live in the same house, he sleeps on a couch and openly having a relationship with his ex who I also met once. It’s incredibly hard to see him going out, spending nights with her in a hotel while I and his older kids sit hungry and alone in the house. I can’t afford to rent a place and have no family here in the US, so I am dealing with incredible pain and torture every day trying to keep my little one safe. I don’t know how I’m making it through each day. I feel faithful and will do everything on my own recovery. Thank you so much! 🙏
praying hope you situation improved since it's been a while
No change in [her] demeanor, no change in the way [she] treats the betrayed (me), no true remorse... it’s like you’ve been watching my marriage for the past year, Samuel! Yet I can look at my healing, growth, and choice to stay as long as I did, with a sense of personal pride and accomplishment. Thank you for addressing this question. Your words brought me encouragement and validation as I work through my divorce.
Hello Ike Dolby. This is how I feel about my current situation. Debating if divorce is the next step. We have 4 children that includes a 7 yr old boy with autism(slow learning ability) a
2yr old in the "terrible 2 stage ", 13yr old girl that is in a fragile tween stage, and a 17yr old boy who going to be a senior next school year and looking forward to college. It's been 8 month since D day and no humility or remorse. I am extremely angry for what she did every day it seems and thinking about divorce every so often. I need some courage, advice, anything, weather to stay for the sake of children or go for sake of our happiness. I'm going crazy Please help. Need someone to talk to who is in a relatable situation.
so glad I could help my friend. thanks for posting and watching.
@@toumbinsouthavilay9694 wow that's so tough. I am so very sorry those are the only choices you feel you have. Have you tried couples therapy?
It's been 4 years and I can't get over it....
Me too
I hurt so much at times the memory overwhelms me
Samuel, what causes the unfaithful spouse to never face up to what they have done as wrong or show any remorse or blame for any part of the marriage problems (and there weren't even many). My wife had been what I thought was a sweet Christian our whole marriage, homeschooled our 6 kids and raised then up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Then bam, like a switch flipped (1st affair) and she doesn't feel anything for anyone but herself. She just started her second affair and is completing the divorce process soon. I feel part of me staying is to try to help her find her way back to obedience in the Lord. I'm at a loss and don't want a divorce. It's still salvageable in my book, but her heart won't choose her family at this time. Thanks
Excellent video. I reached the point of divorce because he simply ran away from the issues, showed no humility or remorse for his infidelity. There just came a day where I realized there is no hope for the partnership and that I didn’t know this person anymore.
Cathy, I’m with you. After the initial D Day, I tried to trust his “remorse and guilty feeling” so I convinced myself to try to stay. One and half years later, I found out he hadn’t ended the affair. He got dumped by her and try to fix our marriage. But I don’t trust his remorse at all. I don’t see any hope at all and I don’t know him anymore. I shouldn’t stay with a man who could see me crying every day and still kept the affair. I’m walking away.
Coco Ry I am so sorry to hear about what he has been doing. You need to realize none of this is your fault. There is nothing you could have done differently to keep your husband from having an affair. I will never figure out what is going on in their mind and why they think this behavior is OK. I finally divorced my husband with my head up high. Keep your head up high; you deserve better.
This video was so fantastic. Thank you for taking comments and turning it into an informative video. I know for me during the first couple months I would watch all your videos and scour comments to see if there was any insight to my questions. Thank you, very lucky to have this resource
so glad you're here. thank you for your comment and encouragement.
Walk away heal down the road🏃🏃🏃🏃
Awesome help! Thank you so much!!!
Best to all of you who are going through this incredible journey of learning more deeply who we are, what we stand for, patience, compassion, and of course… defining deeply who we are and what we truly desire.
I am 59…. 34 years of marriage that has completed its cycle. A bipolar spouse with 34 years of unresolved issues due to not willing to heal. 🙏. A 4 th affair that started in March 2022….. time to move on! Blessings to all …. We choose our own emotions…. Choose well. 🙏
It’s not worth tearing yourself apart for someone else’s screw up. It’s not you who forced them to do what they did, it’s not on you to clean up after their mess just because they expect you to do so. The best decision you could ever gift yourself with is that peace of mind that comes from knowing you had zero to do with why they unilaterally decided to wrecklessly ruin what you and them “have.” Save yourself from all that anguish of wrongly accusing yourself for what they did to you and know that you might not have control over what they did to you, but you have 100% executive power to decide what you do with it. And that’s where you can re-empower yourself and pick a path that’s healthier and happier for you in the long-term.
Thank you for the tactical nature of this video. This was super helpful and practical.
Thank you so much for this. You help me more than you would ever know. I watch you daily for hope & inspiration. 🙏🏼💔
so glad i could help you and support you my friend.
This is what I was wondering????? Why is it when you catch your husband (red handed) and you have an actual record of visual evidence they still DENY the infedelity????? My thing with being betrayed is I just want them to admit it so that I have the truth and can move on...
denial is so powerful. they buy in and get stuck. also, they can be a narcissist as well and often times refuse to admit it as then the would have to admit how they've hurt you and how they've violated trust. that scares the life out of them. doesn't mean it's right or acceptable, it just shows you how troubled and stuck they are mentally and emotionally. i'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
You have the truth. Whether your partner ever admits it or not, you have the truth.
going threw this at he moment. i made a decision im ready to live with for the rest of my life and walk away from my ex fiance.
You’re not alone. I feel the same way :( its so hard its been a yr now but it feels like yesterday .i am still struggling plus the fact that i cant see the honesty,sincerity and consistency of the person that his really sorry. He is sooo full of himself.
I honestly don’t know what I would have done had we not found your website and videos. I feel like they’ve at least given us a path to follow and a light at the end of the darkest time of our life. We hope to reconcile and have a fuller, richer life but the work is certainly very hard....
I am trying to remain hopeful that My wife will stay , want to be with me , I am changed, and in recovery , working hard, but just needed this video , it’s insightful and Sam I’ve watched a bunch in the library already so helpful !! I am leaning into them, learning so much about me , as the unfaithful , and her , my betrayed spouse, I am absolutely willing to do hard work , own all of it, God bless AR
Very good. Helpful thank you
I know what I should do. 42 years of my life have been with this man. He changed, though. He won't cut off the affair, won't stop lying. I'm left to take care of our special needs grandson alone. I can't take care of the property we own. I can't support myself and can't work because of my grandson. I need him. But I can't live like this. And he doesn't love me or this wouldn't have happened. There is no remorse and no guilt. 2 years of this.
Well said Sam. The last part especially cause that is where I am at right now.
You can’t expect the one that wounded you to heal you. The marriage is ruined.
11:22 is exactly what I needed!!! She makes it a pain and I've used it this method a few times... im too weak. She flips it back on me all the time... I don't know what to do so I chose to get thereapy... Pray for me.
This one hits home and is an eye opener.sorry to say there is no progress, I am very sad
Well, my choice is to leave, I still believe my husband is lying and is not willing to do the work in getting "expert" help.
No humility, no remorse, no progress, extremely passive attitude on recovery work, I’ve given him 2 years and today see very little change in his life style or heart attitude. He continues to gaslight and reject to get help. We did EMS weekend and each of us did HH, they helped but he goes back to stuck in shame.
“Whatever is takes” is the biggest gray area. You said it, it’s different for everyone. I’m lost to this end.
i don't see it as a gray area. if you remove the unrealistic expectations (which an expert can help with) it's not that gray. it's a mentality that says I want you and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to save us or help you trust me. it's different for some in that someone may need to leave a job...someone else may need to do an inpatient program. someone else may need to simply get counseling. so it's different for everyone, but i don't agree (graciously) that it's a gray area.
This is something I am wrestling with, and do wrestle with. It's been almost a year since the final D-Day. She has done everything right. Done the 12 step, CR, EMS weekend, counseling. I still feel broken. There are a few good days. I just wonder if the brokenness will always be there...
i don't think so. have you looked into trauma care for you? or anything along those lines? it's normal to still need help? a year isn't that long dude. it's completely to be expected.
@@samshealingpodcast I have been seeing an EFT counselor and doing EMDR, most of that seems to surround my childhood more than the betrayal trauma. I'm sure there's a connection there, but it feels like an uphill march on broken glass.
@@Jeradactile don't overthink it then brother. take your time. don't despise yourself or your progress. at one year samantha was still fragile and had difficult times. embrace where you're at.
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you sir. I hear you. Grace and patience for me and my wife. I appreciate you taking the time, and for your encouragement ! God bless
Im dying inside my husband has sort of moved in with he's mistress its breaking my heart he's been seeing her for 2+ years we've been married 10 years I still love him he's been gone for about 7 months
Marie Taggart I’m so sorry. Please take a virtual hug & a prayer from me. Bless your heart. I wish that I had some wonderful words to help you (& me). It’s all so agonisingly awful. You’re not alone.
Marie Taggart I am so sorry praying for you
@@ashleyk683 thankyou for you're prayer much appreciated 😊
Its hard.i feel your pain.but it's harder to stay and in pain.love yourself .
Hi Samual. I am truly BLESSED to have found your resources. You’ve helped me in ways that God only knows in my healing. But that being said. Not ALL of us can have ACCESS to your CALIBER of help when it comes to therapy. So Do you have a LIST of professionals in ANY given area that are EXPERTS in AFFAIR RECOVERY. I happen to have a double betrayal issue and the therapist I’ve been involved with don’t seem to fathom the depth of my angst and pain. Btw, my Ex divorced me and is now living WITH the AF and leaving our grown children with me (Thank God for that). But if you have a resource of Infidelity Professionals (I’m in the Chicago area), I would be indebted even deeper than I already feel for what you guys have helped me through. God Bless you Samual (and Rick).
hi bruce. thank you sir for the kind words. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in. you can email support@hope-now.com and ask them to push it to me and i'll see what i can do.
Hello Sam. Again thank you for these videos. This one actually came at a perfect time for me as this has been running threw my mind as of late. If I could please bother you with a question? We're about 10 months from D day and there is still no remorse. If it gets to the 1 year mark and beyond and there is still no remorse, what is the "significant problem" that you had mentioned here and how do I deal with and move forward with this? Those words shook my soul. Again thank you as always.
it's far too difficult to outline what specific problem there may be on here. i would suggest getting to an ems weekend or one of our online courses as if there is no remorse, it's going to be increasingly difficult to heal and move forward in the marriage. when there is no remorse, there is usually blameshifting, defensiveness and justification going on. those are all red flags my friend. i would push for expert help asap.
My heart is tearing apart right now! Confused don’t know if I should stay or go.
Don’t know if you can see this. But I do hope … you feel more at peace now… be strong. I’m 6 months out and still hurting.
Take the time to work through the initial emotions before you make a decision that will forever change your life. (As long as there are no safety issues…) My husband and I see our therapist individually and as a couple. After 4 years we’re enjoying our new found relationship. It has been so hard and I understand why the betrayed leave, but set a date for yourself and work on getting through each day until that deadline. Mine was 6 months. After that initial 6 months I saw progress and added another 6 months. What would’ve been my breaking point? (As if the affair with my childhood best friend was not enough!) I honestly believe if he had not been willing to go to therapy or rejoin church I could have walked away.
I just found this video because I found out that my partner of 7 years has been cheating for the past 3...after I stayed and forgave him 4 years ago for the same thing. We aren't married but planned to be and it's a real shock. I didn't want to break up but he said he needs time to find therapy, get help, and figure out what the root cause of the issue is that he would do this to our relationship and to himself. And hes tired of being this way, he wants to be better for himself, and maybe for me if we are ever able to give it another shot, post-recovery. I packed my things and left his house, and we agreed to check in with each other in 3 months with no communication until then.We love each other and dont want to give up but this is really really hard and I keep second guessing everything. This video helped me think about some of the signs I should look for when we see each other again, but I worry I abandoned him too fast. I also knew I couldn't be a healthy support right now, he did this, and I am shattered and need to heal too. Did I do the right things?
He has no “whatever it takes” mentality. It has been 1.5 years that he continues affair with his Exec Assistant at work. I want to work to save the marriage and he always says no. I think I need to sign the Separation Agreement and heal myself. We have 3 adult children. I am not sure how I will feel about being in his presence in the future. I still see my Counsellor and have completed 2 marriage helper courses and high thrive courses. Most of my days are good but I can sink and be overcome with grief.
Very good video.
infidelity is really complicated.
it would be so much easier if nobody else knew, though that just seems impossible.
armchair critics and advisors and commentators flock in and make it worse.
an expert is absolutely necessary. people in the storm don't even realise sometimes it's critical and it's so hard to find the expert.
Us humans really should treat each other better.
How can an unfaithful spouse have a do whatever it takes attitude when they still have feelings for the affair partner?
they can focus on getting healthy, doing recovery work, not entertaining or following through with those thoughts. it's normal to have them....they don't have to be acted upon or followed though.
People have whatever it takes attitudes when struggling with emotions and addiction with other things too, pornography or just attraction are both things that spouses can struggle against similar to an affair. Feelings are often things to be fought against and they remain even after some progress so the question is how can one wait until feelings are gone and still need a do whatever it takes attitude.
What does genuine remorse look like in an unfaithful? I see remorse but it seems to be for coming clean about the affairs and not for the choices they made.
Same here. I feel his only regret is telling me about her because they broke up 6 weeks later. Basically if he kept his mouth shut we wouldn't be going through this. This whole ordeal has just sucked the life and the nice out of me.
My husband got on his knees and asked me to forgive him. He was sobbing and promised not to do it again. He has realized that he was going to be losing his family and friends, everything we built together. He asked me to give him a second chance. I did. We're still working on it, it will take a while to get back to where we once had. Only slightly different, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it.
Thank u for this
I'm going through these videos and they're helping me out.
I was unfaithful prior to marriage, while we are on a break due to circumstances I was responsible for. I had a recent text message with the individual I was unfaithful with and my wife saw the messages. Eventually I confessed to being unfaithful 2 years prior and that the messages were some desperate attention grab. She kicked me out and filed for divorce within a month. I’m in therapy, focusing on bettering myself but I am absolutely broken. I’m so sorry and she refuses to believe I am actually sorry. I want to save my marriage but I’m so lost.
My partner who I have two kids with has been cheating on me for almost two years. The AP has been leaving me messages since last year, but I didn’t checked them because I barely check on Facebook until my birthday. By then I was still pregnant with my second child. My daughter was born last month, and I thought he would have stoped see that woman. Unfortunately, the first day that we discharged from hospital, he went and sleep with her. I was bearing the pain from c-section, and taking care of my newborn, while also bearing the pain he added on me. Since then, I have nothing to say to him, and also stop rebuilding our relationship. I don’t know when I can get through the impact of the infidelity.
you can heal on your own and for the trauma you've been subjected too. give harboring hope a try as it will help YOU heal and help you find new life. i'm so sorry for the pain my friend. that's awful. www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
When the offending spouse and/or addict is continuing their addiction and endangering the spouse and family, I believe a therapeutic separation is absolutely necessary
I dealt with this 20 years ago and I stayed not really for me for the kids he was so sorry I forgave but never forgot stayed for the wrong reasons for what would people think and you have to sort it for kids sorry but worst mistakes I've ever made 20 years later he did it again packed up and left this time but much harder as I'm alot older the kids hate me and blame me should of done it when they were younger so if your staying for kids don't.
Even though it was really hard I feel so much better about myself am getting my power back and I feel free life is good. 😁
I'm exhausted. I'm the offending spouse, it's been 9 months, and I'm drained from walking on eggshells all the time. It feels as though if I have an issue to deal with, I'm not allowed to address it, because what I've done trumps all. If i miss a phone call because I'm at work or school, theres 40 following and nasty text after nasty text. I grew up in an abusive home, where my father was physically and verbally abusive, im a recovering alcoholic and drug addict (4 years sober) and I dont want to live the rest of my life being told I'm a horrible person. She hates the marriage counselor and says that the counselor takes my side. I'm teetering the line between "I deserve this for what I've done" and "this will never get better". I know shes hurt and betrayed, and I feel deeply for that, but i dont know what to do.
i get it Rocky...sounds like (to me) you need expert help. most of the time, marriage counseling of a general nature doesn't help and often times can leave some couples worse off. not all the time, but often. i would ask her to do something we offer like our ems weekend. you can also get warmed up with the bootcamp and see how that works as it's something you can start asap. she may even have ptsd...we can help with that as well. at some level, i get that 9 months is painful and horrific, but if you're able to get expert help, you can see change and movement pretty quickly. it's not a light switch fix, but you can get significant improvement with infidelity specific help.
Last night was rough. It’s been one month and I’m on a roller coaster ride
Hang in there...
It's been three months I'm still on a roller coaster. He's still talking to the AP and refused to go to any type of counseling, yet he said I still have to do my wife duties which is cook , do his laundry and give him sex. I stop doing everything he's threatening me now.
You touched on this but what about a deeper dive. As a betrayer myself, how did you deal with Samantha slowly but surely letting everyone in her circle of friends know? How did she spend her time away from you in the beginning? How did you get her to seek help not only for herself but you both as a couple?
those are pretty in depth questions my friend and tough to answer here but i'll give you some thoughts. it was hard, but i knew i needed to own it and embrace whatever consequences came my way. as i got healthy and as i worked on my own humility and empathy, she then wanted to work on her. it was tough but necessary to walk through the transition of it all . i would give this free bootcamp a try to help you both maneuver through this tough season: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
I am the betrayed spouse and my husband has had multiple affairs. For many years, I only knew about one affair. I struggled so long to deal with the one affair. However, in the past few weeks I have learned he has had multiple affairs, in addition to new details about the one I did know about. We are separated and he says he is committed to doing whatever it takes, but he has lied to me for so long that I really just don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like everything has fallen apart. I need to work on healing myself, and I don't know how to move forward
Please feel free to email us at info@hope-now.com and one of our intake advisers can point you to resources!
I can see staying and trying to work it out when their was only one infidelity but my marriage has been 20 times that I know of. Strip clubs porn etc and a 2 year affair. He will not answer any questions says he can’t remember. How do you walk away when you still love them. I have been in therapy for 8 months but had to quit due to money. He won’t do any recovery work and blames me for all his infidelity’s. I don’t know how to live on my own etc. and my kids are angry cuz he is still here. I see medication in my future.
We are in a similar boat! 💔 I’m so sorry!
Thank you so much for your videos. I hope this helps my separated husband to see this. I pray for our marriage and we need help but he stays with the affair partner and I don’t know what to do. Be are about to get divorced and I don’t want to. Help
i'm so sorry. but if he's staying with his affair partner, perhaps it's time for space and for you to pull back and take care of you. chasing him will probably not help the situation and only push him toward the ap. i would pull back, give him space and take care of you.
I am dealing with this situation right now. It's been 8 months since D day and no humility or remorse. I am still extremely angry for what she did. We have 4 children that include a 7yr old boy with low spectrum autism. I want to do what best for our children. And all of our children are in a stage of their lives that need both parents. Im going crazy. Please help with some encouraging word to stay and try to work things out or give me the strength to leave my family because I am so unhappy with her(unfaithful)
Hi, how are you today? How did you deal with the pain? My husband committed infidelity and still in pain after a year of discovery date.
How does one get over a wife that had affair with neighbor friend? She was friends with the wife....the kids were friends. I never liked the guy and always figured he and wifey were together. In my house, in my bedroom where my kids play with their toys. That went on for two years. Even with kids.....theres no reason to stay.
it's your choice my friend. the kids may be a reason to give it a shot? perhaps giving it a shot is the answer and simply seeing how things go? perhaps getting help, expert help and giving it time will show whether or not it's time to end it or give it a chance? you can heal and the marriage may be able to heal too if she is all in and does what it takes to heal and you can find the healing and mercy you will need to stay. it's your choice, no one elses.
I'm ready to walk away. The last six months have been hell with no interest of participating in therapy with me (my husband had a 6 month+ affair with a co worker) and has yet to apologize, or admit his wrong doing. He continued to talk to her up until last month. I'm tired of being the only one "trying".
I have been married 18 years and recently discovered wife has been on facebook with a 10 month ex for YEARS sharing their great memories and past experiences? WTF..is this normal? Now she claims it was nothing but reminiscing? Really...not sure if I will ever get over this one! 18 years of wasted time..thanks..your husband.
What about when the unfaithful left the vilified betrayed for the affair partner and she became enmeshed in his extended family? How does the unfaithful restore the vilified betrayed’s reputation and repair the sabotage he created for her in the family? How do the unfaithful untangle the affair partner from their family now that bonds and friendships have been made? Does it require explaining to everyone what really happened and what that woman really is? That woman being continually involved in the family seems like a dealbreaker. How does one proceed? (There are no kids with the affair partner involved)
(Fyi, I’m the betrayed and this issue is one very major obstacle I see)
it typically requires an expert's help and care to walk through the process. it's possible, but requires a process and requires an expert to guide and navigate. is the unfaithful even willing to do that right now?
Thank you for this.
What does EMS stand for? I find it hard to sign up for something because a YT video told me about it and I don’t know anything about it except that I’m encouraged to go into debt to take it if we have to.
totally understand. emergency marital weekend. you can read more about it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend if you have more questions you can email info@hope-now.com and ask them to push to me.
Stay and do the work. It will be worth it for so many reasons. If both are willing to restore an even better marriage then stay!!!!
Please do a blog on trauma & PTSD in an Unfaithful wife. You were sorry for what you done & wanted to help your wife my wife isn’t either & what do I do?
How do I deal with my wife who says she’s an ice Queen, and is suffering from trauma or PTSD. She’s not sorry for anything she has done because she feels nothing about the affair or what it has done to me & or children? Is it time to walk away?
I wish my betrayed would start watching these videos... I have gained so much understand these past few days... I see things so very differently now... such a HUGE help thank you!!!
Is their a class or workbook or maybe a private Q&A session I can sign up for?
Hi Brittany. We have several online classes, all of which give you access to ask questions weekly to have an expert directly answer your question via video: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses. Our Recovery Library Membership gives you access to view all of those thousands of video Q&A's without the ability to ask one yourself: www.affairrecovery.com/product/recovery-library
When my 1st wife cheated I packed & left 10 minutes after finding out. With that I healed real quick as I simply moved on. When my 2nd wife cheated I stayed for the kids & for the phrase: Cheaper to Keep Her but it's been 17 years & I still can't get her betrayal out of my mind. For me leaving a cheater is the only choice for 100% healing. Today I am sorry that I did not leave my 2nd wife & I wish she lived happily ever after with the other man
Question, what do those who cannot always afford “Professional” help. The service is quite expensive!
there are scholarships available for any and all of our online courses my friend. in terms of professional help, it's really tough I get it. try the infidelity counseling group infidelitycounselingnetwork.org
I found out my husband was going a strip club on a regular behind my back 8 yrs ago and I still can not trust him. I do not know how to get over feeling he will go back! I just decided to separate from him because of trust issues and we’ve been together for 23 years it’s hard but I’m so hurt
im terribly sorry. this is a great piece on trust that I think you'll find helpful: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust will he do the weekend intensive with you?
Overcoming Infidelity never he won’t get counseling, he won’t let me speak a word of it to anyone, best choice for me at this point is to go and stay gone
I get what you’re saying here. I’m the betrayed spouse and I was on board to work with my husband to forgive and repair the breakdown in the marriage. I believed our 23 year marriage was worth repairing . I still loved him but his resentment was too deep. He had many good qualities but he said he couldn’t forgive me because I had taken him for granted .m
I had gone to counseling alone for over three years . He refused to participate and blamed me because my parents lost my three younger siblings and dad was alcoholic. So, in his opinion , I was the one who was mentally ill which was the cause of stressors in marriage . My counselor said my husband needed to participate in counseling and said it was a huge factor affecting a depression that I couldn’t kick.
He refused to end the affair and filed for divorce . They married and seem happy. He had no remorse and said he would make no apologies . I was very foolish and kinda’ knew it deep down inside.
This is what happens when your heart’s been broken.
I’m so torn on what to do. Whether to stay or go. I found out a month ago he’s been looking at his ex’s nudes and i have no clue on what to do. A part of me feels like I should be over it because it’s not like he’s been physically cheating on me but I’m so hurt by this. I feel used and overall really disgusted by him and he seems remorseful but I’m one foot out the door already. I just wish this never happened.
Every case is different. In my case I was married for 45 years. Altogether my relationship was 50 years with my Love. In the beginning I could see she was in a fix at home with her family. She was 17 years old. I dated her for 6 months and I knew she was the one. I noticed that there was something going on that only getting her away from home was the answer.
Just before she turned 18, I proposed Marriage to her. I was 21 years old, I was a Christian young man still living with my family. I had a good job and I knew I could support her. She accepted my proposal. We Married a year later. All I have to say to all is by reading this. Do not think that she or he is trustworthy. Do not Assume, Investigate constantly. You need to be aware of all things going on always. Signed ...Trusting, Loving, and now Crushed.
How many years before a deteriorated, though? You make it sound like because the marriage ended, which all marriages do either and death or divorce, that you failed somehow. Do you think it’s only a successful marriage because it ends in death? That negates all the things you were were able to accomplish with each other.
Thank you.... ...
Can you do a video on how do deal with an affair child. There isn't much support for staying in the marriage when an affair child is involved.
Cindy Beall is a great resource for this. She was one of the guest speakers at the Affair Recovery Hope Rising conference last October.
Appreciate this video. I have to admit that I was the cheat. After finding out of the month, I have been caught after that I was still in contact with the affair, we discussed divorce terms and custody of our 4 year old. I had twice the feeling of losing the family and she did gave me an opportunity. I'd admit just recently of a relapse of being in contact again. I give myself excuses that do I still see the future with my spouse. Was it that because I didn't give enough patiences, then lie to myself for comfort to live 2 lives. I have no clue what I want, before the affair, I did not feel happy being at home, felt the lack of support, believing I was the father / mother. Then after we talked maybe I wasn't.. I was only the sponsor.
Now I don't know what's the next step.. we live in a place that belongs n next to my parents.. if a divorce happens, my spouse wants to leave and that means taking away my daughter to be in a new home, new environment all because of me.. should I be making the effort for my children? While there are no passion in for us as a couple..
Its very frustrating. D-day was 4 months ago and my wife says she wants to work it out. She was in a long term affair with a co-worker. She lost her mom 2 weeks after she was outed. She has been very slow to engage and discuss anything. I don't know if I have the patience to keep waiting.
Nice job! Just wanted to give you another comment to read. 😛
hahahahahahaha. thank you
So my wife of 12 years has recently stated that she is conflicted with our marriage. She told me that she wondered if I was the person she wanted to be with. Of course there is more to pur past. She had an affair in the past and we were able to get through it. She has since told me she wants to stay but needs to work on some issues. I also started working on myself but i am struggling. I have suspicions she has started talking to a guy from work. I let it get to me so bad that I looked at her phone and confirmed that she has but the conversation is mild from what I see but it is there. Should I confront her about this situation. I want to make things work but I cannot live through another affair... I am lost in this situation and just need some advise from SOMEWHERE!!
hi will. i'm sorry for the pain of it all. it's too tough to tell you here what you should do. i would get expert help from a professional and see about what steps work best for you. i would continue to monitor her phone for a bit as well to keep an eye on what's going on. i would get help as well maybe on a marriage therapy/counseling approach and see if she is open to that.
Where’s the follow on video about safety (specifically not deflecting/minimizing/gas lighting etc)? Ty!
I’ve always felt something but he just came out about it after two years how long should I wait before walking away
it really depends on the help you get....if you're able to get help and he responds and is willing to do whatever it takes, i'm not sure walking away is the right move. if he refuses to get help....at a time that you're comfortable with....maybe between a couple weeks and a month or so.....perhaps that shows it's time for a separation.....
Big question- should I wait (two years) for a turnaround after light healing work has begun (even if still engaging in contact with AP) or after DDay???
My husband wasn't remorse i went back he didn't want help he didnt want to sleep with me he was able to sleep with her .
Im so sorry..this stuff sucks
Hi samuel
Is the a way to contact you via email?
Iam not sure how else to reach out to you.
Thanks
you can email info@hope-now.com and ask them to push to me. it will need to be brief my friend as if it's too long i can't read or respond. take care.
Can u talk about what should I do if my husband has 2 CHILDREN with side chick. I'm in rage and I hate everyone right now
it's understandable. it's vital you pursue your own healing right now and your own peace of mind. if you don't take care of you and if you don't prioritize your own healing nobody else will my friend.
Hello and Thank you
What should I do if my own husband wants to just always say that I am lying about his Infedility and him Haveing mistress'sWhat do I do to get him to tell the truth?and receive forgiveness from both?
I made my husband take a lie detector test and it proved he was lieing. Now he says the test is a lie too. Its been 1 1/2 years since I caught him with the other women. And he tried to make me believe it was all in my head, and that I was seeing things, or that it was all bull that I made up. But the test vindicated me because I was starting to question myself.
Im seperated from my wife and my Kids. She has a affair With an earlier friend of mine. Im Sure she is totally in Limerence. So what i have to lose? The Situation is Like IT IS. If WE divorce, its No other Situation Like now. I have nothing to lose. So i stand For this marriage and Work on my PIES, doing smart contact and search For healing. And all Others i lay in gods hands.
D-day was 7 months ago..I can't help but feel anger and offended by her actions almost doubting her true intentions with our marriage, somedays I feel no emotional connection to the affair but then out of nowhere the shock hits me and I take it out on her..I'm not ignorant, the affair saved a dysfunctional marriage, the last 5 months we listen to each other, make time for each other, and love each other...is there a way to quicken the process of anger? I really don't see its purpose other than to cling on to the affair and prevent us from moving forward..She has never shown doubt she has wanted to fix our marriage and has done everything a cheating spouse should do for recovery..she has show tons of remorse through tears and apologies, I feel like I'm preventing my own happiness at this point..
i would do all you can to read and study anger and infidelity which here are a few articles: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/anger-dealing-with-betrayal www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/lynn/anger-scared-me www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/anger-after-infidelity-its-6-roots i would also look at harboring hope on our site which is a life saver for the betrayed spouse.
You sound like my husband. He struggles with this also. I can see how it would be exhausting having to work through that but if you rush it and don't deal with it properly I would think it could come back later as unresolved feelings... That's what I tell my husband anyhow and I am patient with his/our process.
Why would my wife cheat and then tell me about it just so she can cry a river of guilt and remorse. Claims it's because of previous affairs and revenge all of which are hear say. But she decided to tell me about her affair, which I find hard to believe but she says only happened once. I have been nothing but kind and generous there was a period of time where I was going through where I wasn't attentive to her because I was trying to be better for her and our two children so I may provide a better future for all of us and right when I was about to reach my Plato and wanted to reach out she hits me with this confession.
And later says she's was off substances and neglect which lead her to do or become something she regrets.
I was wondering if Affair recovery has an email address?
what do you need my friend and that will determine which email address I send ya?
Would like to send something personal regarding affair
After the betrayal has been consumated words are empty. The honorable and decent thing to do is walk after your betrayal.
I told my partner that it was most disappointing that in the end he couldbt even do the right thing. And leave ...instead he decided he did not want the affair partner after all even tho she was 8 mo. Pregnant with his baby. Some how proposing that we stay together and save our relationship seemed like the best option in his warped logic. Expecting me to pay the consequences for his choices is like spitting in my face ...learning many things days.
The problem you have to 3:37 face is if a woman cheats she is normally done with you and too connected to the AP especially if your treating her good and she is still willing to cheat on you. I admit in some cases maybe you can stay together as long as they dont keep the cheating going like a lot of women do while they are supposedly fiving the marriage.