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Help for the Betrayed: Comparison with the Affair Partner
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- Опубликовано: 20 сен 2016
- Samuel shares insight on how Samantha healed from feeling constantly compared to the Affair Partner.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
My husband cheated because he chose to go outside of the marriage to attempt to solve his issues. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, my value, and my identity. I refuse to hold shame over how HE views me or our marriage. I am a beautiful creation of God and I am loved deeply by Him. So is my husband and his AP. This isn’t a game. There are no winners with infidelity.
You are a strong person. I wish I had your sound beliefs.
You are right and I believe that in my strong moments. In my more dysregulated times I think I’m worthless. It’s really a tough process.
What I heard at the end: “you are 80%, yes, but you will never be the 20% that was so fetching, so compelling, I risked all just to get some of it.”
Agree ...
I think he misses the point. Despite being with you, a betrayed spouse knows he or she is plan B and consequences are what motivate the unfaithful to remain. At least that is how I feel. I am my wife's fallback plan.
ronald thanks for the comment. i'm sorry you're in such pain and feel the way you do. i can't say it's not for your spouse as i don't know enough. for some, if they're not genuine and authentic in their recovery, they may not get healthy enough to see they are missing the point. it depends on what level of help you've received, and if they, the unfaithful are really putting effort into recovery. i'm sorry you feel like the backup plan. that's not fun for anyone.
I hear ya. You are not alone.
I think my husband is here because I'm a good mom to my stepson and he wanted other children and a family. I honestly thought he settled before I found out about the fling; it just kind of confirmed it.
Ronald Stark I feel the exact same way. My husband is still with his affair partner, and telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't feel that. I feel like the backup for when it ends with her, he just wants me available. How can u say u love someone, while hurting them and traumatizing them the way he is and has been. 15 years with him. And a year with her and an affair, and I went out the window, i feel like I truly mean absolutely nothing to him.
How can you love someone and leave them home and take other person places.while your wife is by themselves. That's not love.
I think something very important is missing from this video. Infidelity is when someone breaks the agreement, commitment, and trust of their relationship.
The betrayer is unhealthy to do so. It is unhealthy to lie. It is unhealthy to break trust. It is unhealthy to violate an agreement.
It is not the fault of the betrayed partner. It is not a reflection of the betrayed partner. It is only a reflection of the betrayer. It is a reflection of their lack of integrity, lack of honesty, and trustworthiness. They are not healthy.
Is it only me?
Being the betrayed one I feel kind of angry being told all this by the view of the betrayer.
Even though he went through the proces of getting back together with his wife, there is no way you can even come close to imagening the feelings you endure as betrayed partner.
I was thinking the same! We should hear from his wife on what she felt and how she overcame it as the betrayed spouse.
My boyfriend had a 4 month affair with a client and got caught. He feels remorse and suggested therapy, I believe him but it’s been so difficult. I find myself comparing with the AP on a daily basis. It’s been 3 weeks since I found it and it still feels like D Day.
I completely agree. I want to feel held by other people in my position. I want to hear their experience.
@@SweetKarina123 At least he is with you.... only three weeks...? sometimes I hit D Day all over again and its been years...
I thought you would touch more on the why... why shouldn't we compare ourselves to them? Why did you even cheat? How can we not, when the risk for you as the unfaithful was bigger than 20% and you took it? If it was only 20% then why even cheat at all? We compare at times because we would never know if you are truly coming back because of remorse or because you got caught. We compare because we think that if it was just 20% we as women wouldn't go for it. Why her?
The final comment in this was immeasurably helpful and inspirational. My unfaithful spouse (after a 9 year secret affair which I discovered 5 months ago) has ultimately decided to stay with his AP, much much younger than himself and I. He has come very close to completely crushing my spirit, my sense of worth and my self-esteem, but for the sake of my young adult children, and just as importantly myself, I will not let this define me. I know it is going to be a long road to recovery, and I have already been blindsided by some unexpected really bad days, but I know my 80% is so much better than her 20% so I will work on becoming a much better version of myself that I and hopefully all those important to me will be proud of. Not sure how yet, but I WILL.
Jacquie Viegas, I am sorry to hear this. How are you doing after 3 years? Did anything change?
I get what you’re trying to say but the truth is if they cheated they obviously wanted something or someone other than the spouse they cheated on. If they wanted our marriage they wouldn’t have thrown it away.
I can’t be in love with two people, I just can’t. My loyalty to the one I love would stop me being in love with the other.
Absolutely. Being in love is a singular devotion to one precious, cherished person. We give them our whole heart. Our whole heart cannot be given to two people.
I am a unicorn. 42 yr old male 6ft tall 6 figure income and 6 pack abs. And my wife still cheated. I can DEFINITELY say she didn't cheat up.
bravo and thank you
my partner and I are over a year into post-betrayal. That year was the most painful of my life but I dedicated myself to self-worth, educating myself on my past trauma. My partner acted out all the stereotypical dragging his feet post-betrayal but it is clear he has always loved me. Today we are 4 days into intense rebuilding our new and improved relationship and we are both more elated then when we first started dating. Both of our childhood traumas have come to light and are being shed to expose security within our own self and relationship. Wish us luck.
Hope you and your spouse are continuing to thrive in your marriage. ♥️
Good luck to you I hope it has been successful.
When we're in love with someone, we pour all of ourselves, our love and hopes and dreams and caring and loyalty into one precious, cherished person. We are absolutely wound around them and they are the person who has the uttermost place in our minds and hearts. That cannot be done with two people. Caring about someone is not the same as being in love. We can care about two people, but not be in love with both. To be in love with both is to be in love with neither one, as our whole being cannot be devoted to or divided between more than one person.
Melody I don't think anybody could have explained loving someone so special to our heart in the way u have. It is perfect. I sure wish I could meet u and just talk. God bless u!
I wholeheartedly agree with you & the person who replied
My husband’s AP is voluptuous and curvy, I can careless. I’m 5’2 slim and I keep myself together FOR ME it was never for my husband. I’m a fine, gorgeous woman dazzling smile, with a contagious personality. I don’t have an issue with getting any attention from anyone, even when my husband is around people congratulate him and dap him up on how lucky he is. This is why I don’t care too much the AP is curvy because his attraction for me when we met is the same strangers reminded him from time to time. He don’t have to convince me I’m decent looking or beautiful, although he apologizes for it. The way I see it, he needs to work on himself and love himself, the AP was the same girl him and his frat brothers talked about in college because she was easy and allowed multiple men to sleep with her at once. They both done lost they’re minds and need God. As Sam said “if that’s what you want, got get her.”
I do not agree that you can be in love with two people. I love your videos and advice but not that! I am the victim of multiple affairs over 37 yrs. this last one was an emotional affair only and it has about destroyed me. I hear you say I am with the 20%, but I don’t feel it. I will probably never feel it. My husband is taking steps...realized what he could have lost...but just knowing he told her the words that ONLY belong to me, has shredded my soul. If we are one in the eyes of God....he broke off a piece of me and gave it to her. Words and actions, emotions, and feeling that belonged to us, the ONE...
I so agree with you. You can Not love your affair partner and spouse at the same time. I asked my wife “did he ever say he loved you.” She said “yes he did.” Then she said she never told him that she loved him. So I asked “what did you say when he told you he loved you.” She replied “I would just say ‘you too’. Of course they loved each other for 7 years. How in hell did she love two men at the same time? But, staying together for our small children and having their lives turn out well was worth it for me. At the same there is no sense in denying reality. Am I a better man than her partner? Of course but I was 2nd fiddle to him for 7 years.
Great analogy. Taking off a piece and giving it to Affair Partner. And while I believe a person can love multiple people like the way I love my brother, father and children. It's totally different in an affair circumstance. Somehow the unfaithful has compartmentalized his/her life. He may love his wife for the things she does to support him (his business, longevity, etc) but it's not in the same intimate manner as loving in an affair. A person cannot do that and be true to himself. If he believes he can love 2 people at same time, they're delusional
Just came upon this video. I'm a firm believer in "nothing just happens". This is something I needed to hear to continue with my healing process. So, I had to move on alone. And there are times I still struggle. I think that's because I was left. Alone. With my children. To raise on my own. Struggling. And, although the children are adults now, once in a while it affects me. How does one deal with that?
you may consider something called EMDR for trauma care and healing. that may be something to address but only with an expert. also, you may consider doing some work in terms of understanding more about forgiveness and even if you have forgiven them, you may be heading into another layer of forgiveness which equates to another layer of freedom and peace.
He didnt want to fix it..refused therapy. Hes doing 12 step for 30yrs. He was acting out leading a double life unbeknownst to me. It caused me so much trauma and left me high and dry. Dumped like trash after 10years. His new victim is 30yrs younger with 4 kids and hes 64yo. Creeps me out
I’m from Guatemala and your videos are being so much help. We don’t have that kind of help in my country and if it wasn’t for your videos we would be lost. Hope you continue with this amazing purpose in life because your videos are playing a huge role into saving our marriage.
I feel so helpless lately!! We take a few steps forward and about 50 steps backwards with so much verbal and emotional abuse in the middle😞
That’s when they say it won’t work or might be time to do self work before trying again to do the work together. I’m praying for you right now and trusting God to help you.
I tried all imaginable ways for my unfaithful spouse to engage in my recovery and he does not seem to understand my needs. When I bring it up he shuts down and I am truly thinking about divorce. He believes that ending the affair and not chatting on internet with other women and not watching porn is all he needs to do. He does counseling once a week ... I don't see any differences in our marriage. Sept 16th 2017 is the D day and so far he asked me possibly three times how I am doing regarding the affair. I don't see any way out but divorce. He is too self- involved and too selfish. As much as it will hurt.I believe it is time for me to let it go. Funny, I just realized this is his youtube account. Well, too much work to log into mine. Thank you for your input they are very helpful. Mariel
Mine chose a co-worker's wife who I warned him about and told her to stay away from my husband, myself, in 2019. This would be easier if it was a complete stranger. I feel they bonded over hate for me. All hell broke lose when I found out. My husband now has to avoid her husband at work instead of saying fake "hellos" every morning. Not my problem. We are trying to work it out. Been together for 35 yrs.
I didn't know there was a recovery process. I so need this. I feel like less than crap all the time. I feel unattractive. I need recovery.
hi kamille. there is a process. you need the right help, from the right people, with the right process. you can go to affairrecovery.com and find some great help there for you and your own healing. start with harboring hope maybe or if your spouse is still in the picture you can look at the ems weekend as well.
I hear you girl! 10 yrs and 4 kids and took him back.😥
Kayleigh M for me it's 11yrs 6kids😭So hard, but God is my husband now
For the most part these videos are good. What I TOTALLY REFUSE TO BELIEVE is that after being with a voluptuous woman as you admit, that a man can truly go back to being satisfied with his wife who is not . No way. IMPOSSIBLE. There is NO WAY to escape the comparison. My life is hell...
i'm sorry you can't believe that Renea. however, it is possible, and it is something that's real and possible. you may not be experiencing it, and i'm sorry for that, but many do and many are able to find new life together as a couple. while you may not be able to escape the comparison, many do. i'm sorry it's so tough right now.
Actually it is very possible.. How can a husband go from a voluptuous wife to a woman that isn't? I am broken and it hurts to even talk to my husband.. This.. I am lost, hurt, broken, scared, ashamed..etc.... I am on emotional roller coaster and can't focus.. I am not living day to day, I am living second to second...The love of my life that I have really done anything and everything to make sure this never happens..backfired..and it did...
I’m so sorry that you ladies are going through this!! I’m new (as far as I know) to betrayal. Found out a week ago that my husband had betrayed me with 2 voluptuous women. And I am not. I can not wrap my head around how he has always said he liked a certain type but went for the complete opposite. Was he going as far away from me as possible so that it would lessen his guilt? At this point I can’t believe anything he says. I try my hardest too. Maybe one day I can quit comparing myself to these women. Until then I’m taking it one day at a time
@@shelleyrichards1146 yeah and not to mention triggering now.. where he says I look better a little thicker.. well guess who was thicker? Yeah, his 19 year old partner.. so I'm feeling like well I will make myself really skinny then asshole.. I don't want to feel that way.
From a mans point of view, there is beauty in essentially all shapes and sizes, from voluptuous to athletic, svelt, tall short etc.
So yes it is possible to be attracted to different physical attributes.
As a betrayed, when I've said, "if that's what you want go and get it," it's because I know about the fantasy. I dated alot before I was married. I had many suitors/poachers. I think in that moment the cheater ultimately has fear because if they try to make it real their fantasy will fall apart. I believe that no true love story/ soul mate begins with the other person being married/committed. If you believe in soulmates, why would the universe not make them available. Doesn't happen imo. To this day if I'm not with my partner, I sincerely hope he marries her and not someone else because that would be the ultimate awakening.
I've come so close to telling my spouse that.. but never could bring myself to do it. But I think you're right when you say that they ultimately fear that statement because it will completely fall apart if they did
I say this with full confidence: my husband’s former affair partner is less than me in literally every way. She’s less educated, less aware, less secure. She’s also shorter, fatter, and far less attractive than me. But that’s often how it goes. If someone is willing to engage in an affair, that speaks volumes about them, and NOTHING about you. My husband chose someone broken and essentially, a failure. Because HE felt like a failure. Not because I wasn’t pretty enough. If your spouse chooses to cheat, it has nothing to do with you or your faults, but everything to do with their own faults and failures. We’re only two months into our affair recovery, so take what I’m saying with a grain of salt. But my husband’s choice in affair partner had everything to do with the fact that HE was broken, coupled with the fact that the affair partner was convenient (they worked together) and constantly needs validation from men.
I'm just my husband's second choice and fall back plan... I will never be his first choice ... None of his family will ... His wife and kids are nothing to him.
i'm so sorry sarafina. i would find help to help you heal and get your own life back. i know it's devastating but you mean so much and are valuable and your kids are valuable. just because he doesn't want to see it, doesn't mean you don't have so much worth. are you or have you been able to find a support group or professional to help? this one may work: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
I feel this so so much. Especially because he had multiple affairs. I feel like I'm the back burner choice.
I just stumbled on your page this morning and I'm just so enormously thankful. I've been in the recovery process for about 9 months. Your videos are so on point with all the different areas of recovery. I'm very happy to have found you vblog and think you and your wife are amazing for helping other families with your story!!
nettiengil, thanks so much for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts with me. so glad you found the page.
Your video's have been a huge help to my wife and I, they have helped a great deal in our recovery. Maybe on this video you're on the wrong side of the "comparison" problem. Pretty sure it's one of the most painful and natural expressions when dday happens, why him (or her)? just pile on all of the other "whys" right here... No one wants to come in second place, ever. 20+ years from dday and the "comparison cloud" still casts a long shadow. Keep up the great work and maybe take another swing at this topic. THX
I still battle with that comparison shadow. 20 years since dday from 2nd husband and it comes in waves at unexpected times. Very painful when it happens
This is so true. It's absolutely awful to feel this way. It really feels like a life sentence.
Me and my partner have watched a few of your videos and have been moved and motivated from them. They make a lot of sense to us. We tried just last night to have a “safe place” to talk but I blew that. I overreacted and fixated myself on one little thing she had said, that in hindsight really meant nothing. She keeps telling me about it’s not a comparison but I just don’t see it that way right now. I watched this video and it makes a few good points that I will hold on to. I will be showing her this video tonight and we will watch it together. Thank you and we will continue to watch and hopefully heal together.
so glad you're here and found the videos my friend. i'm thrilled to support you both as you walk through this. this is a free bootcamp program on our site that will help you both work through things too: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
my husband cheated on me over my sister in law, my brothers wife. I got hurt so bad, but I am moving forward with my life I know my worth and the worth of my daughter. He made his decision choosing a weaker person
This was one of the most important videos for me going through my recovery.
Samuel, thank you so much for you’re videos. They get me through everyday. I really needed this one. As I am constantly comparing myself even when my husband has told me over & over there is no comparison between me & the person it happened with. That I’m perfect to him and it had nothing to do with me, just his unhealthy state. So thank you for shedding more light on this. You are a blessing. 🙏🏼❤️
Ok... I get what you're saying... But if he cheated because of that 20% that I didn't have...its likely that I'll never have it because that's who I am.. So can I expect that he'll cheat again then? This is what scares me.
hi denise, not necessarily. we become infatuated or 'limerant' about that person as we are fixating on that 20% that we feel our spouse may not have, when in fact, our spouse may have it. samantha had it, but unlocking it was the tough part, as i was not doing what she needed to feel safe enough with me. i don't believe that you don't have it, but perhaps it's because you don't feel safe enough with him. as he gets healthy, and as he does recovery work, he can realize that he was deceived and he was lost in his own self deception.
@@samshealingpodcast great answer 👍
I so needed to hear this. Thank you. I just discovered my husbands affair that has been happening for 1 month. He says hes in love and they're soulmates. I have so many emotions and i cant help but compare myself to the AP. Knowing who she is i can see why she was "chosen" but it doesnt help the pain and shot to my self esteem.
How has your recovery been? Any tips to help me speed up the process?
@@jesserh5908 As someone who really desired to heal, heal well, and heal quickly, I can tell you the first thing to do to make the process not EASIER but FASTER, is to take full responsibility for you own sense of value, and then responsibility for trusting YOURSELF. We always look outside of us, to externals things, to our spouses actions, to make us feel secure and trusting. But that’s never actually in our control. Start by finding all the places you don’t trust yourself anymore, your own ability to care for you, your own trauma responses, etc. You are the only one who ever creates the feeling of security, you just gave it away to this person in the past, a person who is not capable of caring for it 100% the way you need them to. Learn to trust YOU to always make the best decision for YOU, no matter what happens in the relationship or the future. And then once you have answered that, go to work seeking betrayal trauma support - via EMDR or any other modality that addresses neurological trauma. It’s easier than you think and there are very practical ways to do it! You got this!
Except that's more easily said than done when you're given letters of their thoughts and feelings towards the AP. Which clearly lay out the way they were thinking and feeling. And you can't help but be offended and compare.
What do you do when he cheated with his ex wife for 5 + years ... they had no children ..our 28 th anniversary will be soon .. I feel like it’s a joke .. it’s been a year since I told him I knew ... we’ve been in counseling for 8 months and I am still devastated.I feel like a default .. he didn’t stop on his own ... trust will never be in my heart again . I will never see him the same way .
Beverly Garvin Boniewicz I know how you’re feeling. It’s been 8 months for me too, and I keep going back to the fact that he only stopped it because I caught him. How do you trust someone after that?
I will never see him the same way 👍🏼
My husband told me Im trash. He said they were all better than me AT EVERYTHING. He took a dig at me b/c I was sensitive about him not wanting me sexually anymore.
Well Samuel, my husband and his AP took away all my self-esteem and left me devastated. I'm trying to get it back, but I feel unattractive, ugly and fat (have an autoimmune disease so prednisone doesn’t help me loosing weight though I'm trying). That's how I feel. My husband tells me I'm cute, beautiful and he loves me. I just have a hard time believing him because he lied to me for years. Yes, his AP is actually truly obese and I'm not and yet, he had her for years. It's gonna be a long road healing. But I'm trying. Thanks for sharing 💗
This made so much sense. The percentage analogy really hit.
This was a really tough one for me. Probably one of the hardest parts of this mess. Maybe it’s just my perception but I don’t think my husband “affaired down” I was about 20lbs overweight at the time. I’m not unattractive otherwise, and a blue collar worker. His AP was blonde, fit, very attractive, was an educated Dr.....a PAIN Dr, how ironic! She shared his love of surfing (but that’s about it...the 20%). I cant surf. I will say that I am an artist which he admires. My husband did tell me that when he mentioned art related things she was completely disinterested. He tells me that even though they had that one thing in common, everything with me added up to more than she could. That’s a hard one to believe. I think he morally affaired down if anything but that’s about it. I may be blue collar but I carry the financial weight. I’m his stability. I paid our health insurance premium, the house I own is steps from the beach, his “rent” is $500 per month utilities included. I pay the cell bill and I bought the iPhone he has, 3 days before he used it to text her. (That’s all changed now, no free ride) I can’t see his AP leaving her Dr. husband for mine unless she wants to support a semiretired man who washes golf balls for a living. Harsh but true.
Not harsh
Out of all your videos, Samuel...I need this one the most. I keep coming back to it. Thank you for using your own experience to shine a light on an affair and the thoughts behind it.
Again and again I remind myself that if my husband is here and giving his all... It's because he wants the marriage.
Thank you.
you're very welcome. so glad you posted here. gives me great encouragement. thank you for your post my friend. one day at a time.
What do you do when the unfaithful time and time again claims that there was nothing I did prior to the affair that did not meet his needs or push him away, YET he still chose to have an affair ? I’m asking him not as a way to validate what he did, but to understand how I can be a better spouse and make changes to better our future together. But he claims his only reason for the affair was that “he is a sinful, fallen human and he was tempted and fell into sin.” I feel like that is a cop out answer but he has refused the 13 months since d-day to give me another answer.
My ex asked for a divorce and his reason was he "changed." I knew there was someone else but didn't know who. He started dating immediately after our divorce and got serious quickly. And I became suspicious and dug into their relationship and low and behold they were having an affair for almost a year before he asked for a divorce. So I understand where you're coming from. I think they say that because they don't want to hurt us any further.
I'm glad to be the 80%, but it definitely doesn't seem that way.
What if he lies about the affairs? What if he won't come clean? He's told me things that happened and then told me later they didn't only to find out still later That was a lie. I am literally about to break. I am so confused
I'm so sorry brenda. will he take a lie detector? we recommend them all the time. I would suggest that for sure. also, have you considered enforcing any boundaries with him? do you have any leverage to use to get him to cooperate? you can use these two resources for help as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
Yeah when they choose your little sister, your childrens aunt, someone who’s been an active part of our life, and my best friend… there is very little I can make sense of, especially when considering staying with him. Some times the price tag is just too high, even if fully repentant and remorseful. For me, though I am unsure of it entirely, I truly can not ever see being able to accept this in my life going forward. I simply can’t see myself ever being “okay” with enjoying a family birthday or holiday with my husband present with my sister, not now and not ever. It is incredibly sad. Especially after over 27 years together, 21 married, 4 children… but there comes a time when it is simply just too much.
That’s terrible, no one should behave that way and no one should be treated that way
Truly sad but you've got to be in a safe and healthy place and clearly family functions would not be that. If I were in your shoes I would distance myself and find other ways to be there for extended family but in situations without their in your face presence
Why is Affair Recovery only aimed at couples who stay together?
One thing I thought of is “he wants to be with me, but he also wants to be with literally everyone” so what is the point? Maybe he wants to be with me to save face... but I won’t know because he doesn’t admit a problem and won’t get help
Back to back golden videos I have watched. Thank you
Unrelated but you sound so much like Anthony Jeselnik it is mindblowing! You even have the same voice patterns on how you tell stories, explain things, etc. So crazy .
Sam, thanks a lot for your sharing, yove really helped me in my struggles, youre doin greaty work with Samantha, in helping remending broken lives as a result of affairs
I don't believe a person can be with a forever kind of love with two people. I believe it's possible to be in lust or eros kind of love with multiple people.
The wayward spouse is “affairing down”
The betrayed spouse “married down”
If the wayward doesn’t step up and do the hard work
There is no marriage
What happens when the Affair partner is the one that compares herself/himself to the Betrayed over and over again in front of the Betrayed AND in front of the friends/community saying she/he was more to the special/important to the Unfaithful? What is the expert opinion on that? What should the Unfaithful do? Not the Betrayed, the Unfaithful. In my case, the Unfaithful does nothing even when I ask if it is true.
That's called gaslighting. That person has immense insecurities and trying to make themselves feel better at the betrayed expense
In as much as I wanted to feel that I am the 80%, cant help but to think otherwise because my husband had several affairs too and one of which is a girl we had issues also in the past. The time they saw each other again for the first time in a very long time ended up sleeping together on that same day. Its like he is so attracted to her that she cant resist her even for a second. Its so painful
I'm so sorry
Man you are anointed
incredibly kind of you David. thanks for watching and sharing.
It took my H 6 months to finally say that his affairs had nothing to do with me..... that I had done nothing wrong. But my comparisons to them....i was 35 at the time he was 40.... they were between the ages of 19 - 24.
I can complete with anything except age!
He claims he was curious about sex with young girls (of course porn played into that fantasy!) He told them he never wanted a divorce and he loved me and would never leave me. 3 of his APs were long term sexual and emotional attachment.
I cannot have children and he has one child from a previous marriage..... he offered one of them $10k to have his child.
How do I not find myself worthless??? How do I not compare to youth and fertility??
Thanks for your videos Samuel. They help us a lot
you're very welcome friend. hope you don't feel alone in this, although I know it hurts like hell.
My husbands affair parter could have almost passed as my sister. So why choose affair parter who looked almost like me.?
Argh! Stop making sense! You're making it too hard to hold on to my hurting righteous anger. Thank you, Sam. All these videos are really helping me, pushing me to undertsanding. (why isn't HE in here seeing the same?!) Yes, he affaired down. I have to keep telling myself that. He's told me she was his fantasy look. I know I'm the exact opposite.
hahaha, glad you're here. I'm sorry it's so painful but so glad the videos are helping you. take it slow and steady my friend, slow and steady. progress not perfection.
what is your definition of love? you mean lust??
Good job Samantha! Exactly how I feel! That’s why he wants me to cut my hair because I will be like her ! Never brought that up before in 48 years of marriage!
Another thing, always base your worth on Christ---not your mate...they are human and can let. You. Down.
So, does it seem wise to put all your faith in a human being? NO.
Tu Bailey this is where I went wrong... I no that now. I put him on a pedestal and God had to show me, put no man before him.
You're right
What if you’re agnostic?
@@melissalmp73 You did nothing wrong ..You played your role as wife .The order of command from christ . Father Son Man Women children . Its mention to love the father more than you love your family.
I don't know if I like that 80%/20% example... 20% seems like a lot... And it still feels like a comparison. It still blows my mind that ppl could be this stupid. My partner had a fling years ago with a fat, old dude with no job, no money, very little in common and never bother disclosing it until years into our marriage... So wasteful... I had my choice ripped away from me and now im so much older and stuck with this garbage version of the character I thought I married. People need to at least give their real partner a chance to exit the relationship if they need to act out like this. The selfishness required to hold on to the partner and get someone else on the side is off the charts and I just can't imagine being that shallow. I am broken now. We need better media and more storylines showing the damage caused by homewreckers and mate poaching rather than showing the so-called excitement of secret relationships and second lives.
I needed to hear this today thank you.
every time i ask him questions about his affair partner he says I'm crazy and that is not normal to compare myself to her that something might be wrong with my head and that he's. tired of me comparing myself to her and that is was that the reason he lied about the affair closure for almost a year after the d day
Carmen, you are not crazy. This is normal but that doesn't mean it's helpful. Comparison questions are very dangerous and can cause a lot of trauma for you. Ultimately, you decide as the betrayed what you need to know and it's up to him to tell you. But I caution you to not get so many details that allow you to paint a picture because it will cause intrusive thoughts to be stronger and last longer for more time. Here are a couple of articles that may help you through this delicate process:
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/discovery-after-infidelity-hurt-spouse-advice
www.affairrecovery.com/20-most-common-mistakes-hurt-spouse
To healing
it's again, unfortunate he's taking that route. the truth is, until you can talk about it productively you can't really heal Carmen. it's incredibly normal to compare yourself to the affair partner. it's what 90% of betrayed spouses do when they know who the affair partner is.
Mine says he lied about the affair closure so it wouldn't ruin everything we have that's special between us. Says he knew I wouldn't be able to get it out of my head
My viewpoint on this if he loves me and loves me and wants me and I can take that away from him like he did with me and hurt him how he hurt me I'm going to do just that and I will walk away. Exactly as was said prior I'm just the fallback plan BECAUSE it didn't work out or she wasn't exactly what he wanted or screws up his game plan with the family
what if the cheater got his affair partner pregnant? ia there still hope?
there really is, but the process is much different and has some nuances to it that are not easy, yet possible.
This is an area I’m struggling with because I’m 55 I’m told I look good for my age but apparently not good enough for him)he was seeking out younger perfect bodies more than half his age. Threw away almost thirty years of marriage in an instant.
Agree…you don’t know.
When they continue to chase someone who supposedly denied them.
They didn’t choose you.
Wondering if there are any classes or something my husband and I can do we have struck out with trying to find counseling for us as individuals. We do have a pastoral marriage counselor but really need individual help this is the second time he has cheated in the 17 years we have been married and he really wants to get help now
It is very hard to do it by yourself but i'm managing.
Thank you for explaining & for making the video. I really need to hear that. Thank you.
I dont know if you talked about this topic already, but you think is it possible to recover when the affair partner goes to the same church?
brisa, well that's a tough one. if it's a large church, m a y b e. again maybe. i would advise taking some time away from the church to heal and not have the distraction. the affair partner may end up leaving the church and you may return. but it's really tough and if it's a small church, i would say flat out no, it's just too tough for both parties if the affair partner is in the same church and it's small. i'm sorry, i know that hurts, but it's the truth.
What is the unfaithful spouse literally compared the affair partner to the betrayed spouse as the affair was starting to happen, unbeknownst to the betrayed spouse?
i'm sorry i don't follow the question
The unfaithful spouse (as the affair was beginning, emotionally at that point) told the betrayed spouse, she does this while you don’t do that. The unfaithful spouse works with the affair partner. The betrayed spouse had been introduced to and even casually hung out with the affair partner at this point.
My husband had an affair with a coworker, I know their full name but I do not know what the affair partner looks like. But I find myself tempted to look them up on social media? Do I really want to know what the look like? Or will it just cause more issues?
I dug up everything. Just remember, what you end up knowing you have to heal from too.
Don't do it! I haven't because then I will never get the image of her with him out of my head and it will kill me!! He still works with her (no chance to change jobs) - I haven't been to his office for 2 years - because I don't want to know what she looks like! Especially since I had cancer last year and chemo took my long beautiful hair - you can image how awful I feel as a woman every day he goes in there and she's there! Oh, and she's half our age!! UGH! When will the pain end????
Good for you because you really love your spouse but in my case my spouse didn't want to leave me but continously having an affair for almost 3 yrs now. I have too much question to ask but he didn't want to talk about the details likewise his reason behind why he's still not leaving us, his family. I feel like I am the one who is trapped in our situation. He's enjoying to his life while I'm devastated.
What if I, the betrayed, know the AP, and I know that she surpasses me almost all ways? I am afraid that my husband married his 20%, me, but then met his 80%, her. He was left with me because of life circumstances, but he would've chosen her if he could. He's my 80% and I don't want to leave him. But I wait in dread that she'll pop up again and he'll finally take his shot with her and leave me. Or worse, we'll live the rest of our lives with him wishing I was her because I keep falling short.
My husband tried SA and I did SAnon. We both stopped going over a year ago. He's been relapsing the last 6 months and chooses only to get help from a counselor. I'm going back to SAnon if only to be around people who know my pain...
How are things going now?
I hope everything worked out for you.
Well my wife picked a woman that we could be either sister or more like twins
Yes, yes. Samuel. We believe that !!
My husband's AP was 19 at the time and he was 30 with three kids with me. We are working on it but the comparing, not to mention just generally being very grossed out by it, is hard not to do. It makes me feel like that he is a weak man also, a coward, a user and abuser (as he did to me also) and a sexual deviant. I just found out this affair was sexual. I think about him probably being her first for some sexual experiences... I really need a therapist. Praying for one.
hi there. i'm terribly sorry for the pain you're in. i would find a therapist skilled in infidelity by you, but also consider the harboring hope course as it's a wonderful support group with other women and has an expert curriculum that you'll really enjoy: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Question: is it advisable for the wife to focus on being the 20% to help heal after infidelity? Does that help?
I think only if you feel compelled to or led to or if you feel as though maybe that's an area or two or three etc, that you were not attentive to. if you feel like you could or can be more attentive to an area, then yes absolutely. doing it in an attempt to win them back or in an attempt to prevent them from cheating won't be enough though. they need to affair proof or relapse proof their own life....but if you feel like you need to do better in an area, yes, absolutely.
if the betrayed says he wants space... do we the unfaithful just allow them to be ?
What if he didn't "affair down" what does that mean ?
hi sara...what does it mean to affair down? meaning, typically we have affairs with people who are not at any level the caliber of our spouse mentally and emotionally. even if he didn't affair down it doesn't disqualify the information in the video or what not. i hope you're doing ok and the videos help.
my wife and i live in southern california. where can we go for help?
I don't know anyone I would highly recommend there. although the website, affairrecovery.com has exceptional information and resources. have you considered one of the courses or the ems weekend at all?
Thank you
Thank you.☺
Wish he would see that.
I can't get over this part, it's been 1 month that I found out my husband had sex with a coworker, which he says he was not attracted to. He says this woman was a friend but she would always insinuate that she would like to have sex and one day when we had a terrible fight he decided to give in. They left work during thier break and had sex at a hotel. He says he didn't enjoy it, really? I can't believe it and it's driving me crazy. I have seen pictures of her on Facebook and normally I wouldn't see her as a threat. He had to be attracted to have sex right? It only happened once but she kept sending him messages and he would answer them, he says he didn't kow how to get her to stop sending messages. She no longer works with him. I don't understand how he could have sex with someone he was in the least attracted to. He said he almost threw up in the bathroom after I don't understand
I'm not sure I totally believe that. without talking to him and working through it, we're speculating. it's highly unlikely that that is the total story. we do have affairs where we act out, in anger and bitterness towards our spouse. the fact is, it will need to be repaired regardless of the reasons he acted out....there is more to it than that my friend. i'm sorry it's such a mess for you. YOU can get through this though and you can heal. that i will tell you for sure.
Prior to two (out of many) of my ex's AP, he would talk about how he didn't like them and they were unattractive. The woman he left me for is average and homely looking. I'm a very beautiful woman (model like) and have a good, compassionate heart so I just don't get it. I really admired him but now that I have been in counseling and trying to work through this, I realized there were other ways he was a bad husband. Most of it boiled down to selfishness and non-compassion toward me.
Except it's actually *not* real love. It's addictive type infatuation. Wayne of affair recovery has a more recent teaching video that it's NOT love.
Yet I’m my wife’s fall-back !? If my wife’s affair partner didn’t have children and my wife and I didn’t have children... in my opinion she would run to her affair partner????
What if he told me I was the reason he cheated with other women (plural) and that didn't finish what I started, I didn't communicate, etc. He told me I was the reason he had full blown relationships with these women basically I was the problem with our whole marriage. Now that I have PTSD, anxiety and depression it's still my fault I have that. I'm in love with him but it hurts
You are not the reason he cheated. You did not make him do anything he did not want to do. He is a grown man who is responsible for his own actions and needs to man up and accept responsibility for his choices.
The thing here is you and your wife arw knowing the whole story or why and this and that. What about us! That are not getting answers?? No Why. Nothing! Im ready to sign my papers....
Wouldn't unfaithful have to think wife was ugly to cheat on her?
not at all.
No even the most attractive ppl get cheated on one of them being JLo.. She is a beautiful woman and was cheated by her exes..
maybe you just want to be with your kids. is that good enough?
How could I not compare myself to the women in porn that my husband saw or to the prostitutes he was with (prostitution is legal in our country and unfortunately has now largely been socially normalized as a job, and is considered a "sexual service" fully recognised) - all of them beautiful young women, true beauty queens in the most expensive lingerie and with professional set cards (Google was my friend...) who - in the words of my husband - look "that they are doing something for themselfes"?
My husband insists over and over again that it's just "the ideal image", it has nothing to do with the reallity or me at all, he has always and still loves and desires me, finds my body attractive and arousing.
I've had issues with my appearance all my life, I find myself ugly and disgusting. Always overweight, thin, limp hair, always impure skin no matter what I do; the body scarred by two pregnancies and 30 years of hard work as a nurse, worn out and burned out; job, shift work, family and a chronically ill child who was in the hospital for years, never had enough time, energy and money to "do something for me".
Although I have always had a great fear of surgery and have put off any necessary surgery all my life as long as possible, right now I would not hesitate to get under the scalpel for any cosmetic surgery imaginable if I only had the money for it.
But I was never uptight, on the contrary, I used to be more relaxed and open than my husband when it came to our intimate activities.
But now- when we get intimate I feel the urge to perform - and I know I do. I've completely lost the sense of who I am and what I like or dislike in that regard. I have the feeling that I have to "keep up" with everything my husband has bought and watched in terms of "service".
Going so far as to have bought lingerie that I'm sure my husband would love - now they're sitting in my closet and I'm wondering if I was mentally deranged when I had the idea of pleasing my husband with them . I never imagined wearing something like that with my ugly body. I would just feel ridiculous doing it. Am I really myself?
It would be a disguise. But that's as far as the urge to "keep up" goes.
I know I have a lot of work to do on my own, and I'm very unsure if I'm going to win this battle against myself.
My husband chose his first marriage, to pornography instead of the marriage vows he made to me and TMH, our Creator, to love me as he loves his own body and as our MAYSHIACH loved the church,( his ppl). To FORSAKE ALL OTHERS FOR ME. SO HE RAN OUT FOR THE LAST TIME TO CONTINUE HIS MARRIAGE, HIS FIRST LOVE W THE NOVELTY WOMEN AND MEN OF PORNOGRAPHY. HE FINDS IT EASIER LIVING FOR HIMSELF THAN TO FIRST ADMIT HE HAS SOME DEEPSIETED CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS HE HAS BEEN USING PORNOGRAPHY AND RISK QUE BEHAVIORS TO ESCAPE HIS WHOLE LIFE. HES 63 AND STILL BELIEVES ITS OKAY TO INDULGE IN ALDULT AFFAIRS W YOUNG GIRLS UNDER THE AGE OF 21. AND ALSO INDULGE IN IN APPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS OF OVERLY FRIENDLY TO INCLUDE OGGLING YOUNG GIRLS OR WOMEN ON A REGULAR WHETHER OUT IN PUBLIC OR PHONE INTERNET EX: ADS LIKE: SEE HALLE BERRY IN THIS LONG SEE THROUGH DRESS..ETC.
HE CLAIMED HE WANTED TO COME BACK TO HELP W OUR SICK TERMINAL DOG. BUT BC OF THE DAMAGE HIS PORN USE, EMOTIONAL AFFAIR W THE YOUNG GIRL AND PHYSICAL VIOLENCE I TOLD HIM HE HAD TO LET ME KEEP THE PHONE SO HE WOULD NOT HV ACCESS. AFTER ALMOST 2WEEKS HE STARTED GOING THROUGH DETOX WITHDRAWAL'S AND DENIED OUR AGREEMENT. FOUND HIM A NEW PLACE TO LIVE CLOSE BY AND DESERTED US ONCE AGAIN AFTER NUMEROUS TIMES. HOWEVER IT USED TO BE TWO WEEKS TO A MONTH. BUT NOW HES FOUND A PERMANENT PLACE. I BELIEVE HE MOVED CLOSE BY SO HE CAN CONTINUE TO USE ME AND STILL ATTEMPT TO HV SEX W ME. I SAY NO!!!! I WILL NOT ALLOW HIS DEMONIC SPIRITS TO ENTER INTO MY HOUSE OR MY SPIRIT. HE WALKED OUT BC HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE WO HIS PORN AND LIVING AS A SINGLE MAN W MANY WOMEN.