This is helpful to understand my unfaithful spouse. He has no interest in repairing the marriage and will not even acknowledge the infidelity. He has admitted it, but claims he "checked out". He didn't decide he was checked out until six months after we separated. I think this is how his therapist is helping him 'heal' by looking for all of the reasons that justify his choices. Wish he could see this . . .
I'm leaving my unfaithful because it's been a year and we never got to a reason why besides "I don't know" and "it just happened" from both my SO and the AP who was my cousin. I'm DONE, I need to be at peace and happy! Love all your work, Sam ❤
I so get that. You’ve given it a year. You deserve to move forward and find happiness and joy again. Honestly, I really wonder why someone would stay with their betrayer and have to look at him/her every day. It’s the deepest form of betrayal. It seems toxic to stay. But that’s just me. Wishing you a wonderful future!
What a good conversation. I am one year past discovery and My unfaithful spouse is still reluctant to do any work. I have put in a lot of work and see how unhealthy and unsafe our relationship still is. This video might be a part of my last ditch effort to get her to create something new with me. Either way it has been helpful for me. Thank you
All of this…this last segment was the most important message for me. Amanda told me from the beginning this and it’s so hard to grasp but 2.5 years into this if I could ever help anyone with the begining of this is learn what self care is and help get yourself regulated I was so dysregulated for most of my life it was normal to be in that state for me and then when this bomb blew us up self care was a foreign concept to me. It lengthened that chaos for me and for both of us. The CPTSD is still here and always will be I now accept that and the part that has played in my life and marriage and those flashbacks are getting easier to recognize and the recovery time is shorter in comparison to what they were as I have learned how to use my tool box of self care. It’s a long road but we are still here standing and learning. Thank you both for all of these reminders today.
Getting there. Thank you Sam n Amanda and Thank you teeryan I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Still standing on the titanic but it hasn't broke apart yet.
It's been nearly 4 years & he has done all the work, unfortunately i am still ambivalent & feel that I have no reserves left or emotional ties. I'm hanging in there, but I'm not sure why!!
My unfaithful partner has been acting out in some form or fashion for our entire marriage and lying about anything and everything since before we even married. If I were able to somehow add up percentages of time spent living as one self vs the other "shadow" self, it would be heavily weighted to the "shadow" version. Part of my healing and growth is to understand and acknowledge that he has been more comfortable and authentic as the secret/hidden self.
I’m so sorry you have had to deal with so much gaslighting. I understand this pain and suffering from my 24 yrs w now former husband. He annihilated our lives and our family. It’s very sad he wouldn’t do the work.
Samuel, my husband of 14 years just keeps lying. First D day 7 years ago with many more since. We just moved bc of his affair with a coworker. He complains about things I ask for safety & reassurance! He thinks it's so unfair bc he has a tracker on his phone that he agreed to have. To help prove what he is doing. He refuses to have a filter even though he has a porn problem & puts himself in risky situations! I keep finding info that he sets as single not married. Even at work & his profiles. I change them then they get switched back. He knows nothing!! It's heartbreaking to me!! He lies so much. We are doing the boot camp but he is still holding back, deny & lying. How will this help if his heart is not in this? Should I just leave? I feel like a complete fool!!
To me that's an inflammatory statement that is unacceptable. Have you asked yourself why you feel that's ok? Have you considered that that statement communicates massive disrespect and disregard for you?
Great, great, great video from two straight shooters. Thank you. Some of my take-aways: 1. Not knowing myself is how I got here - I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I know I became disconnected with myself (not an excuse)…in some way telling myself I was still a good guy 2. Totality of my blind spots - Blindspot are ugly and dangerous. We need others to be able to see the things that we can’t. 3. Unfaithful gaslight themselves - how true is this! It’s often said that we betray ourselves before we betray another and I believe that’s true. in my own story, I had to lie to myself, make myself believe things that eventually would allow me to take some pretty damaging actions. 4. We come to realizations w work and contemplation - that takes time. In my own journey, gaining an understanding of my ‘why’ - took longer longer than I originally expected it would and it most definitely changed overtime. Sam said it well.
I'm terribly sorry. I think it's then that you have to ask yourself, why am I allowing this and why am I allowing him to dictate what the relationship looks like and why do I allows this from him?
Thanks for this podcast. We are 22 months from D day and almost a year from disclosure day. I have thankfully reached homeostasis. I agree that it takes time. My concern is that my husband still doesn't know why he had his affair. That is why we are still separated. My husband also has some past trauma that he has not been able to face. How could I find a therapist like Amanda to get additional help?
what part of the country are you in? I have a couple ideas so please send me an email at samshealingpodcast@gmail.com and we can talk through suggestions.
My husband’s why changed multiple times throughout the first year and a half. Initially it was “to get his needs met” which is a blanket statement that ALL unfaithful can say. It infuriated me because it sounded like an excuse not a reason. He couldn’t tell me what those needs were. I said it’s time for a therapist to do your family of origin work. Then it changed to childhood wounds, he needed to be seen a certain way, he needed to be accepted and approval. When his therapist dug deeper he discovered he was looking for that mother hunger. The unconditional love he never got from His mom. And the AP was able to give that to him because of her role in his life. It filled his void where he lacked his self worth, self love and esteem. I told him in family therapy that I believed I could help him with what I saw in him. He accepted. I told him that I didn’t think he liked himself, in fact I believe that he didn’t love himself. He said that was when he began to gain clarity about himself. And yes, he gaslighted himself. The stories he told himself about me, our kids, family and friends was so distorted and far from truth. It’s really sad to see the person whom you’ve given the most love, trust and support choose self destructive behaviors when acting outside of their own values. Toxic shame. Shame will lead you to cheat and it will continue to reinforce it. It’s a shame addiction in a sense.
This is helpful to understand my unfaithful spouse. He has no interest in repairing the marriage and will not even acknowledge the infidelity. He has admitted it, but claims he "checked out". He didn't decide he was checked out until six months after we separated. I think this is how his therapist is helping him 'heal' by looking for all of the reasons that justify his choices. Wish he could see this . . .
I'm leaving my unfaithful because it's been a year and we never got to a reason why besides "I don't know" and "it just happened" from both my SO and the AP who was my cousin. I'm DONE, I need to be at peace and happy!
Love all your work, Sam ❤
I so get that. You’ve given it a year. You deserve to move forward and find happiness and joy again. Honestly, I really wonder why someone would stay with their betrayer and have to look at him/her every day. It’s the deepest form of betrayal. It seems toxic to stay. But that’s just me. Wishing you a wonderful future!
What a good conversation. I am one year past discovery and My unfaithful spouse is still reluctant to do any work.
I have put in a lot of work and see how unhealthy and unsafe our relationship still is.
This video might be a part of my last ditch effort to get her to create something new with me.
Either way it has been helpful for me. Thank you
All of this…this last segment was the most important message for me. Amanda told me from the beginning this and it’s so hard to grasp but 2.5 years into this if I could ever help anyone with the begining of this is learn what self care is and help get yourself regulated I was so dysregulated for most of my life it was normal to be in that state for me and then when this bomb blew us up self care was a foreign concept to me. It lengthened that chaos for me and for both of us. The CPTSD is still here and always will be I now accept that and the part that has played in my life and marriage and those flashbacks are getting easier to recognize and the recovery time is shorter in comparison to what they were as I have learned how to use my tool box of self care. It’s a long road but we are still here standing and learning. Thank you both for all of these reminders today.
Getting there. Thank you Sam n Amanda and Thank you teeryan I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Still standing on the titanic but it hasn't broke apart yet.
We're 2 years in today and he is packing. A week ago we were on cloud 9 then she reached out...
Yayyyy! So good to see you Amanda. You’ve been missed.
It's been nearly 4 years & he has done all the work, unfortunately i am still ambivalent & feel that I have no reserves left or emotional ties. I'm hanging in there, but I'm not sure why!!
Me too. It's been 2 years for me
Living the same thing.
My unfaithful partner has been acting out in some form or fashion for our entire marriage and lying about anything and everything since before we even married. If I were able to somehow add up percentages of time spent living as one self vs the other "shadow" self, it would be heavily weighted to the "shadow" version. Part of my healing and growth is to understand and acknowledge that he has been more comfortable and authentic as the secret/hidden self.
I’m so sorry you have had to deal with so much gaslighting. I understand this pain and suffering from my 24 yrs w now former husband. He annihilated our lives and our family. It’s very sad he wouldn’t do the work.
Samuel, my husband of 14 years just keeps lying. First D day 7 years ago with many more since. We just moved bc of his affair with a coworker. He complains about things I ask for safety & reassurance! He thinks it's so unfair bc he has a tracker on his phone that he agreed to have. To help prove what he is doing. He refuses to have a filter even though he has a porn problem & puts himself in risky situations! I keep finding info that he sets as single not married. Even at work & his profiles. I change them then they get switched back. He knows nothing!! It's heartbreaking to me!! He lies so much. We are doing the boot camp but he is still holding back, deny & lying. How will this help if his heart is not in this? Should I just leave? I feel like a complete fool!!
He once told me the why was "because I can" - not could, but can. I don't know what to do with that.
To me that's an inflammatory statement that is unacceptable. Have you asked yourself why you feel that's ok? Have you considered that that statement communicates massive disrespect and disregard for you?
Wow….I hope you walk away and never look back. That’s beyond horrible.
Great, great, great video from two straight shooters. Thank you.
Some of my take-aways:
1. Not knowing myself is how I got here - I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I know I became disconnected with myself (not an excuse)…in some way telling myself I was still a good guy
2. Totality of my blind spots - Blindspot are ugly and dangerous. We need others to be able to see the things that we can’t.
3. Unfaithful gaslight themselves - how true is this! It’s often said that we betray ourselves before we betray another and I believe that’s true. in my own story, I had to lie to myself, make myself believe things that eventually would allow me to take some pretty damaging actions.
4. We come to realizations w work and contemplation - that takes time. In my own journey, gaining an understanding of my ‘why’ - took longer longer than I originally expected it would and it most definitely changed overtime. Sam said it well.
Thanks for sharing. May I ask how long it took, and how did it change over time?
Sam you look younger than you did in that 10 year old video. Livin right dude !
My unfaithful spouse told his friends that he can do what he wants. 😔
I'm terribly sorry. I think it's then that you have to ask yourself, why am I allowing this and why am I allowing him to dictate what the relationship looks like and why do I allows this from him?
@@samshealingpodcastacknowledged 🙏🏻
Thanks for this podcast. We are 22 months from D day and almost a year from disclosure day. I have thankfully reached homeostasis. I agree that it takes time. My concern is that my husband still doesn't know why he had his affair. That is why we are still separated. My husband also has some past trauma that he has not been able to face. How could I find a therapist like Amanda to get additional help?
Send her an email. They will help you find the right help.
what part of the country are you in? I have a couple ideas so please send me an email at samshealingpodcast@gmail.com and we can talk through suggestions.
My husband’s why changed multiple times throughout the first year and a half. Initially it was “to get his needs met” which is a blanket statement that ALL unfaithful can say. It infuriated me because it sounded like an excuse not a reason. He couldn’t tell me what those needs were. I said it’s time for a therapist to do your family of origin work. Then it changed to childhood wounds, he needed to be seen a certain way, he needed to be accepted and approval. When his therapist dug deeper he discovered he was looking for that mother hunger. The unconditional love he never got from
His mom. And the AP was able to give that to him because of her role in his life. It filled his void where he lacked his self worth, self love and esteem. I told him in family therapy that I believed I could help him with what I saw in him. He accepted. I told him that I didn’t think he liked himself, in fact I believe that he didn’t love himself. He said that was when he began to gain clarity about himself. And yes, he gaslighted himself. The stories he told himself about me, our kids, family and friends was so distorted and far from truth. It’s really sad to see the person whom you’ve given the most love, trust and support choose self destructive behaviors when acting outside of their own values. Toxic shame. Shame will lead you to cheat and it will continue to reinforce it. It’s a shame addiction in a sense.