I thought, know I know I chose to stay. Work on our marriage, he chose to lie about recovery. Avoid getting caught for now about 22 years. Of course it was like 5 occasions spread throughout the years, each time I chose to stay and work. To try harder, try new things, work on trust. I’m learning that this will never change. This is who he is.
I chose to leave. The pain of being betrayed after 20 years of marriage is truly devastating. But the pain of knowing if I stay I will never be able to have emotional peace again always questioning his whereabouts, always trying to navigate through the gaslighting and lies … life is too precious to spend the rest of my life policing a man who clearly has no moral compass or integrity. He will do it again. Once trust is broken. It’s time to move on, find your peace and happiness. Gain back your dignity and self respect that’s what God wants too.
The "betraying" partner has already shown you what you are worth to them. I don't believe that the majority are capable of true "change", in my experience I have not seen it, and the onus is often on the "betrayed" partner to accept events and behaviors in the relationship that are detrimental to their physical, emotional, psychological, and financial health. The truth is that you do need to protect yourself, and there is no way of knowing if the "betrayer's" disclosure is truthful and that their "change" is sincere or will be lasting. The "betrayed" partner is expected to assume all the risk in this relationship. It's simply unacceptable and unsafe for them, regardless of whatever illusion of "change" the "betrayer" can display. It is your right to stay, but it is also their right to cheat again and leave.
I honestly have searched and searched myself to see if fear played this big of a factor in my decision. I acknowledge that it played some role but after listening to you describe this I felt fear grip my throat and I realized suddenly that I am terrified. Thank you for saying this so clearly so that I could get in touch with this reality and make it conscious.
It is like losing a job. You may not like the job as much (they treat you bad in it), but you have done this for a large part of your life and it pays the bills so you are scared to leave. The sunken cost fallacy as they say. Just remember that the cheater had all the opportunities to talk to you and didn't. Chances are s/he has checked out already but stays for fear of the unknown too.
I would leave. I don"t know how anyone could ever stay with someone whose supposed to love you and betrays you,lies to you and has such little respect for you as to do that. They don't love you is the answer. I could never love them again like I should in a healthy relationship.
What happens when you are not given a choice. When you know and they don’t take responsibility . How can you give up a sham of a marriage and your child grows up without a father. How does one go on
It is possible to heal even if your partner is still lying, gaslighting, acting out, etc. Check out the Braving Hope™ Coaching Program and my free Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/hopeafterbetrayal
I’ve been with my guy for 21 yrs this past May, just found out he was watching more porn then he should of was very distant and had shown little to no interest in me in months … Was texting and calling online hookups for 2 months could of been longer. Agreed to meet somebody to engage in sex but didn’t follow through with it .,. We have four children together 2 late teens and 2 under 12. I feel so hurt and betrayed.. I want to leave but I can’t because my youngest children need their dad. I don’t know what to do? I’m also a stay at home mom and I know he will always provide but I can stand the sadness my children display when dad is not coming home tonight
Never depend on someone to pay your bills. Even if it’s your husband because as you see, he’s a cheater and now you have no way to get out of this. I suggest getting a job while the kids are in school and save up money for yourself to eventually leave. It does suck but you set yourself up for failure, unfortunately. Most marriages are a sham.
So sorry to read the above comment . Having children and caring for them is a full time job . Just try and educate yourself and take care of yourself as Much as you can . It’s a really tough situation to be in and I’m so sorry this is what’s happening for you and you are not alone in this situation. It happens to many of us .
That's the question I asked I'm 51 and I've been through several cheating and abusive relationships it's so hurtful how do you pick up the pieces then right back into the same situation with another guy... I'm emotionally drained and I know I am a wonderful woman and I deserve a honest man.. life is beating me up.. it makes me feel worthless and I haven't did anything wrong and it's so embarrassing shameful
@@Ellatippins-ex9ys why do you feel the need to be with a man all of the time? Try being independent and you give yourself some peace. Well wishes to you.
That study says if a person has cheated in any relationship, ever, there is a 350% increased chance of them cheating. People who have been cheated on are more than 2x as likely to be cheated on in their next relationship, too. Given that a vast, vast majority of people have cheated in there younger years, you'll be hard pressed to find someone who is entirely 'untainted' and more so, do you think you'd even know? Do you think they'd tell you? I'll give you another study - nearly 70% of men and women said if they believed they could get away with it, they'd cheat on their partner. You cannot avoid infidelity. It is everywhere. I'm not saying not to leave if it's a deal breaker for you or too much damage has been done - what I'm saying is, the idea that it's just about picking a non-cheater - and believe you can do that - is a fallacy. Black and white thinking is the absolute ruin of so many relationships and reconciliations.
Braving Hope is a ground-breaking coaching intensive for betrayed partners around the world. Move out of the devastation of betrayal, relieve your trauma symptoms and reclaim your life. To find out if Braving Hope is right for you, schedule a call now: www.michellemays.com/hope/
I thought, know I know I chose to stay. Work on our marriage, he chose to lie about recovery. Avoid getting caught for now about 22 years. Of course it was like 5 occasions spread throughout the years, each time I chose to stay and work. To try harder, try new things, work on trust. I’m learning that this will never change. This is who he is.
I chose to leave. The pain of being betrayed after 20 years of marriage is truly devastating. But the pain of knowing if I stay I will never be able to have emotional peace again always questioning his whereabouts, always trying to navigate through the gaslighting and lies … life is too precious to spend the rest of my life policing a man who clearly has no moral compass or integrity. He will do it again. Once trust is broken. It’s time to move on, find your peace and happiness. Gain back your dignity and self respect that’s what God wants too.
The "betraying" partner has already shown you what you are worth to them.
I don't believe that the majority are capable of true "change", in my experience I have not seen it, and the onus is often on the "betrayed" partner to accept events and behaviors in the relationship that are detrimental to their physical, emotional, psychological, and financial health.
The truth is that you do need to protect yourself, and there is no way of knowing if the "betrayer's" disclosure is truthful and that their "change" is sincere or will be lasting.
The "betrayed" partner is expected to assume all the risk in this relationship. It's simply unacceptable and unsafe for them, regardless of whatever illusion of "change" the "betrayer" can display.
It is your right to stay, but it is also their right to cheat again and leave.
I chose to separate for my well-being and safety. Thank you Michelle.
I honestly have searched and searched myself to see if fear played this big of a factor in my decision. I acknowledge that it played some role but after listening to you describe this I felt fear grip my throat and I realized suddenly that I am terrified. Thank you for saying this so clearly so that I could get in touch with this reality and make it conscious.
It is like losing a job. You may not like the job as much (they treat you bad in it), but you have done this for a large part of your life and it pays the bills so you are scared to leave. The sunken cost fallacy as they say.
Just remember that the cheater had all the opportunities to talk to you and didn't. Chances are s/he has checked out already but stays for fear of the unknown too.
I would leave. I don"t know how anyone could ever stay with someone whose supposed to love you and betrays you,lies to you and has such little respect for you as to do that. They don't love you is the answer. I could never love them again like I should in a healthy relationship.
Thanks for your comment!
Can you define “working their butt off” and “doing the bare minimum”
What happens when you are not given a choice. When you know and they don’t take responsibility . How can you give up a sham of a marriage and your child grows up without a father. How does one go on
It is possible to heal even if your partner is still lying, gaslighting, acting out, etc. Check out the Braving Hope™ Coaching Program and my free Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/hopeafterbetrayal
Most helpful video I have seen yet!
I’ve been with my guy for 21 yrs this past May, just found out he was watching more porn then he should of was very distant and had shown little to no interest in me in months … Was texting and calling online hookups for 2 months could of been longer. Agreed to meet somebody to engage in sex but didn’t follow through with it .,. We have four children together 2 late teens and 2 under 12.
I feel so hurt and betrayed.. I want to leave but I can’t because my youngest children need their dad. I don’t know what to do? I’m also a stay at home mom and I know he will always provide but I can stand the sadness my children display when dad is not coming home tonight
Porn addiction is huge! Increases likelihood of acting out. Relationship killer!! Hookups all over the place. No morals.
Never depend on someone to pay your bills. Even if it’s your husband because as you see, he’s a cheater and now you have no way to get out of this. I suggest getting a job while the kids are in school and save up money for yourself to eventually leave. It does suck but you set yourself up for failure, unfortunately. Most marriages are a sham.
So sorry to read the above comment . Having children and caring for them is a full time job . Just try and educate yourself and take care of yourself as Much as you can . It’s a really tough situation to be in and I’m so sorry this is what’s happening for you and you are not alone in this situation. It happens to many of us .
@@sachatt8599 you gave her absolutely no advice whatsoever. Telling her you’re sorry & educated yourself is not gonna fix anything.
Im 55 how do I start over on everything
I'm 65. I moved out last year for my own mental health and wellbeing. It's not easy, but it was the healthiest choice for me. I wish you the best.
It’s ok. Living in truth will free you. Bring RELIEF at any age. I’d rather be alone in truth.
That's the question I asked I'm 51 and I've been through several cheating and abusive relationships it's so hurtful how do you pick up the pieces then right back into the same situation with another guy... I'm emotionally drained and I know I am a wonderful woman and I deserve a honest man.. life is beating me up.. it makes me feel worthless and I haven't did anything wrong and it's so embarrassing shameful
Thank you for your comment. Please reach out if you need more support! michellemays.com/braving-hope
@@Ellatippins-ex9ys why do you feel the need to be with a man all of the time? Try being independent and you give yourself some peace. Well wishes to you.
Never stay. If a person cheats ONCE, there is a 350 per cent chance, that they’ll do it again. In the data.
That study says if a person has cheated in any relationship, ever, there is a 350% increased chance of them cheating.
People who have been cheated on are more than 2x as likely to be cheated on in their next relationship, too.
Given that a vast, vast majority of people have cheated in there younger years, you'll be hard pressed to find someone who is entirely 'untainted' and more so, do you think you'd even know? Do you think they'd tell you?
I'll give you another study - nearly 70% of men and women said if they believed they could get away with it, they'd cheat on their partner.
You cannot avoid infidelity. It is everywhere. I'm not saying not to leave if it's a deal breaker for you or too much damage has been done - what I'm saying is, the idea that it's just about picking a non-cheater - and believe you can do that - is a fallacy.
Black and white thinking is the absolute ruin of so many relationships and reconciliations.
Braving Hope is a ground-breaking coaching intensive for betrayed partners around the world. Move out of the devastation of betrayal, relieve your trauma symptoms and reclaim your life. To find out if Braving Hope is right for you, schedule a call now: www.michellemays.com/hope/