Do The Unfaithful Have Reminders And Triggers
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- Опубликовано: 14 июл 2024
- Today, Samuel discusses in his video the latest questions by many of whether or not the unfaithful have triggers and reminders.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I have compassion for the unfaithful but do they truly know how cowardly and pathetic they were? I feel like they should have it happen to them. Only then will they truly get it. And they deserve to truly get it. Regardless of what these videos say, and they are fantastic really, the unfaithful absolutely do not suffer as much as the betrayed. Simply because they never get to feel what betrayal feels like.
Agreed!!!
If they have any heart or Conscience at all, they will feel that they have betrayed themselves. They have condemned themselves to a life of condemnation. If they love their spouse and wake up and see that what they did was horrible, they will have to live with themselves and all the hurt they have caused. Just like they disrespected us, they have also disrespected themselves. I think sometimes it’s worse for the unfaithful because they feel they will never be trusted or loved again. So many times in past relationships and even in my marriage now I thought about going outside of the marriage to be with another, but the thought of having to live with that for the rest of my life was unbearable. Plus I sincerely loved my husband and would never hurt him like that.
@@MrsTrahanregina Thank you for sharing this. I really needed to hear this😊
@@MrsTrahanregina REGINA, your comment is so
Awesome I totally agree,when you said "I think
sometimes it's worst" ( that is very true for both
At times. ), Also iam impress with How your mind
Work,,,,. HAVE A GOOD DAY,,,.
Dang it hit me really good this is what ive always felt after being betrayed.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this terrifyingly intimate secret in order to help those of us struggling.
He isn't brave. He I'd making money off of being an adulterer.
The more shame he has from it all, the more he distances himself.
Sounds like he needs more work on his core values. Shame is a healthy response to a dysfunctional action, shutdown is not. The disconnect is likely the first step he took in being able to perform such unkind, uncaring, unloving trespasses against the relationship boundaries in the first place. If he could recognize that feeling of shame and use it to motivate strength based coping skills.
🎯
Mine did it with an enemy/ co-worker's wife the last 2+ yrs that I warned him of. I had breast cancer and they continued it throughout. He bought her flowers for Valentines Day with other gifts. I'm a wreck. This is not the typical affair. So many factors.
I’m so sorry. That sounds so incredibly painful.❤️
Hi L A. My husband had an affair with some skank during my diagnosis with Endometrial CA. It was the worst time in my life, like you, and I needed him more than ever. While I was dealing with it he was screwing her in the car in a parking lot. She was married too. They're both a piece of work. Sorry for what you had to deal with xoxo
Please do not allow your illness to be an excuse for his bad behaviour. If he can not understand what you are going through and put you first through your illness rather than his d!ck, then sorry, you are worthy of more.
I always appreciate that you address both believers and nonbelievers. I'm a non believer and these videos have helped heal both my spouse and myself in our marriage recovery . Thank you so much❤❤ you are helping so many with your ministry!
This time of year there are HUGE triggers for me. My husband? He claims no memories.While I am battling the turmoil and trauma, he claims nothing affects him, he clainms no memories and then wonders why our son's birthday is a such a huge trigger for me.
I see that this video was posted 2 years ago, the very time which my hubsand's online affair was happening.
i'm very sorry. it's normal for the unfaithful to not want to talk about their memories or triggers out of fear of it seeming unfair or taking away from your pain. they often times, and i would say WE often times don't want to bring them up as we don't want to focus on our pain we want to focus on yours. we don't see it's a way of connecting with you when we can talk about our mutual pain and hurt.
The unfaithful have triggers when the betrayed mention the affair. If I'm apart of Team Unfaithful I would think things are peachy until my partner says something.
I am betrayed. It sucks when you don’t know the whole story of what your unfaithful spouse did. If you could come to the understanding that your spouse needs all details to heal and deal with what happened. Not to ridicule you but just to process what happened.
My ex husband is still with his girlfriend. He has been for eight years. I don’t believe he has or ever will care until it happens to him
that may be true.....i'm sorry it's happened to you.
Thank you for your videos. you have a great presentation and message. It has really helped me deal with these issues.
How do you not think about the AP touching your spouse, and all the intimacy they shared?
it fades...also, over time with the right help, and right trauma care, it can significantly fade and you can overcome it. it's not easy, but it's possible.
This comment right here is what I’m battling right now. It’s been six months since D-day and I am still disgusted at the thought of another man touching my wife.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for your honesty.
pleasure my friend.
I need some advice i am the betrayed i think of him doing exactly that to her and it basicly ruins the moment.
Thank you for understanding us.😔
I wish my husband of 20+ years would have given our relationship a chance but he chose his affair partner over me and his family
Thank you for these videos, it's been a true blessing. Without getting into the details, I was wondering if you could help us in finding a mentor for my husband. We're in Michigan, about 30 miles from Detroit. If you can't help, I understand. But it would be awesome if you could suggest something. Keep up these blogs. They've helped me a lot.
so glad they have helped Emily. I don't know anyone there in that part of the country but have been considering doing some collective mentoring, webinars and things like that. haven't found a way to do it yet to be honest. working on it. i'm sorry i don't have any suggestions but you may get on the website at affairrecovery.com and post in the main forums or on newsletters and see if anyone is in that part of the country.
Does the unfaithful ever think about what they did, when they become an exhusband?
We junked a car for the exact same reason this year. We were fighting over it all the time and it was a source of many memories. So we junked it. $50. But was our mental health and our marriage more important than the money we lost? Yes. Way more. Guess what. We don't fight over it anymore. We're a little more free now. Just slightly. Every bit of efforts helps.
Why was it so easy for my spouse to just spill the beans like he has no shame or guilt, but for myself so difficult
right now, he's still disengaged at some level. he isn't truly 'present' per se with how the pain has hit you. once he sees emotion and the pain you're feeling, it will hit home with him. but he's minimized it a thousand times and justified it even more, so to think he will be full of emotion and pain and hurt isn't likely, right now anyway. it will take time for the sobriety of it all to hit him and for the weight of it all to him him. what work are you doing right now in terms of recovery and healing? he will most likely show empathy remorse etc once he gets the right kind of help and processes the pain accordingly.
Great job
Sad. Cuz they never think of you during there affair
Hi. Recently emotionally cheated on. Have been seeing lots of your videos which have helped understand things from both sides. Thank you much for them and for your genuine approach in your stories. Wish I could get additional help as it is very fresh. Found out and caught a three month emotional affair which involved hours and hours of conversation.
I'm the betrayed and a year and a half (almost 2 years) after disclosure I'm still dealing with painful triggers and reminders. It has gotten a little better, but they are still there. Is this normal?
i don't know enough about your situation to say if it's normal or not, however, it is a while. I would consider seeing an expert or being evaluated by an expert that can help you see if that's normal or maybe you're dealing with trauma that has to be addressed differently than you're addressing it.
Made mine get rid of the camper. Even just being there to help pack it up and transport it was too much. Had it for one damn season. No way was I going to ever spend any time in it. It had to go. Also had him get rid of the car he drove during the whole thing, a total of 4 years with multiple people. Even though he said it was never in the house and I feel he was being transparent about everything else, got rid of the bed too… just in case.
My husband had a tree year long affair and the triggers are overwhelming , specially when we are trying to be intimate. Please advise
I know this is an older video, but I do have a huge question about the images my wife still has. I love these videos and they have been so helpful for me, maybe a little for my wife. However, my question is that as soon as we get intimate or even say I love you, she sees his face, body, or just name. We are trying to understand, but still don't. I'm not asking the questions of "are you thinking about him", but they come on every time we try to get close. Also, the intrusive thoughts of stabbings and choppings or any other thoughts we are dealing with seem to be so strong now. Anyway, thank you and if you get a chance to reply, that would be awesome.
With ex husband, I actually didn’t have this issue, probably because there were so many other women, it was pointless to even assume he might be thinking of just one. All I could think of was how I could not trust him, period. Even with who I considered less attractive people. I just got paranoid about every single female he came into contact with, no matter what they looked like or who they were.and more often than not, I had been proven correct in my gut feeling about those other women. Yeah, even the older ones I considered off limits and absurd.
😂😂😂😂😂. I do understand
Dear Samuel, I didnt "stab" with accusation but I did bring up over and over again my disbelief that the Unf went for the affair just because he was not happy with rejections from his parents and my kids (I am divorced with 2 kids). And I kind of kept asking Unf why... which also indirectly reminded him of the AP. I can see the pain he is experiencing but I also felt painful too. U mentioned about a blog on this, can you provide the link? I need to help myself to overcome on this aspect.
hi anne, was on vacation. sorry for the delay. in reference to the blog, what did i reference and I'll see what I can speak to? I'm sorry for the pain you're in. often times, we the unf, focus on our own pain until we get healthy and then can see the pain our betrayed is in. we're self righteous and self absorbed for sure. i'm sorry you're caught in the hurricane of all of this. i know it's painful my friend and i know it's overwhelming.
Hi Sam, the part where u spoke about triggers while hvg physical intimacy and u wud do some blog on it? Another part u were referring to detox from heavy season contact to totally no contact. Are u able to elaborate on it too?
Overcoming Infidelity , I'm interested in that part also that Annie T is referencing.
I agree with Regina Trahan. As I continue my healing from betrayal, I see more clearly that the guilt can overwhelm the cheater. The betrayed can get sympathy, compassion, and love. The guilty party is shunned by society. What most don't see until later is that we all sin and fall short of God's glory. When we look at our sins as He does we would have more compassion for others. Yes they hurt us with betrayal but I can't imagine the guilt some feel over their sin. I feel more sorry of the sinner rather than the betrayed. I guarantee most of you that you have not went up to the betrayer and showed him/her compassion like you do the betrayed. We judge so wrongly here. I for one want others to forgive my ex for I forgive him; even if I didn't I still want others to forgive him.
Completely agree. I truly believe that I need to forgive if I want and ask for forgiveness myself. I have sinned many times in my life and I have sought forgiveness from people and especially from my God. now that I’m a betrayed I’m devastated beyond belief and didn’t know how I would be capable of forgiving. However I understand that if I want it I need to give it. The guilty partner, if truly remorseful, suffers SO MUCH SHAME and Guilt that it sometimes drives them into a depression. The guilty person has to live with the shame that everyone knows his/her dirty little secret. I can’t imagine what that does to a persons heart and mind. I choose to forgive husband because in the end he has to look at himself and know that he was weak and not as strong as he once thought.
The Betrayed often feel isolated and alone not being able to truly share the deep pain they are in because they have children, because their friends will see the Unfaithful differently and not support Betrayeds staying after a major hurtful disrespect. Betrayed feels self-doubt, judgement and shame for somehow failing to keep the relationship happy and healthy all because of Unfaithfuls selfish, heartless, self-centered, cruel lying, sexual compulsions, disconnect from the promises to integrity and loyalty. Unfaithful feels shame and should own that, Unfaithful should use that low vibrational place to get stronger and help their Partner heal while working their heart out in true recovery whether they stay together or go.
I need some things to do so I don’t trigger while my husband and I are intimate.
Hello, Samuel. At 4:25 you talk about overcoming triggers during intimate moments. Could you please share how to deal with that as a betrayed.
you can find a bit of a protocol in harboring hope found here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope and here: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders
My spouse claims to have complete amnesia about the affair. Is this possible or is it another gaslighting?
it's tough to have amnesia for the entirety of the affair as it depends on how long ago it was, how long it lasted, what transpired to give them this amnesia.
My spouse had his affairs...one 6 to 8 years ago and another a year ago and said that he ended them but kept on being friends. What is that? There would be more than reminders. Not to mention a few emotional affairs. How can I process that along with him wanting to stay married???
@@samshealingpodcast Alcoholism?
Mine was a serial cheater, fifteen or longer years of hook ups and on going affairs, claims to not remember any of it except for what I discovered and in that I had to drag the truth out of him. Trickle truthed me to death.
Amnesia? Total BS. Fear of shame and having to be transparent? Absolutely.
I m no longer with my husband after I have discovered multiple affairs. I left 3 years ago, but still dealing with trauma of it. Talk about triggers! One of his lovers is his work colegue, so who knows. Could be just the matter of time. If it didn't happen already.
My partner and I work at the same place as his AP. It's a big company so we don't see her every day but there are at least 2 meetings a week he attends with her and others. The affair has stopped and all social contact cut. We are only 3 weeks from D Day and are both doing recovery work and trying to see if we can work things out. This site has been such a big help, thank you so much. My concern is that he will end up going back to her as there is still contact at work. How can I trust that won't happen?
it's a tough call my friend. you'll need boundaries and accountability big time. in a perfect world, I would encourage him to find a new job asap to make the whole recovery process that much easier for you both.
Hello, do you have any videos that tell why you feel or conclusions you came to, concerning why you had the affair?
Was it conclusions you came to? Was it led by marriage issues that drove you away? Was it disconnection?
Can you direct me to some videos to watch? Please and thank you
hi ernie, i do believe i address those issues and so much more in the vlogs. i don't know the exact titles or names but as you skim through the blogs, I do think you'll find some very pertinent titles and info that will help make sense of why we cheat and why we do what we do. also, here are some articles to help you with understanding why we cheat as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-why-did-they-cheat-part-one-the-role-of-oxytocin
Is it wise to ask what those reminders or triggers are?
I would think not because essentially those triggers would become the faithful spouses triggers,too. For instance you don't want to know what it is that makes your unfaithful spouse think of the affair partner because those things will also make you think of the affair partner.
Do you have to also carry him or her on a silver tray?
I’m the unfaithful, my spouse took revenge on his hands with mental and physical and also having an affair as well.... but we are still together I still want to safe my (marriage) 😔
Oh wow!! Norma i really admire your honestly but taking revenge with his hand....you may ask him to get counselling together with you....wish you guys all the best
I ended it but AP told wife a week after. I know i want to fix my marriage but why after all this do i still think of AP and why am I hurt she told my wife. I know I did all this and deserve it but how do I stop this feeling. Especially after what went down
it's normal. it's called detoxing from the affair partner. it's a process for sure. try the bootcamp: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp and give some thought to our course for unfaithful spouses: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing
Not funny....but that was funny. 😐 Thanks for lightening it up just a tad.
What about if the unfaithful still has to work in the same office where he had sex with his affair partner, and the same building where she works right across the hall. Could this be increasing his own stress which puts him in a heightened state and unable to deal with MY stress as the betrayed? He has been so patient, but there are times where he gets frustrated and I get blamed for having a moment of anxiety from being triggered. I've started to not be as open about my thoughts and feelings so I avoid being incorrectly blamed.
great question....but i think his stress and heightened state is coming more from his own shame and his own issues....due to his own choices. i think shame is what's causing the issues and struggle you're seeing in him. see if this series makes sense and explains it more for you and then reach back out if you like: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame
@@samshealingpodcast After reading some of the articles, I think it rings true for us. But my awareness and observation of him doesn't do much for his own healing or help him to be more empathetic and supportive of me. He promised me the world when we first talked about getting back together, that he would do anything and I could ask him anything. Now, he has pulled back, I can still ask anything if I want to suffer his anger and wrath, be dismissed and gas lighted like when the affair was still going on. So I've chosen to go it alone, keep my issues to myself and hopefully get what I need from a counselor, knowing full well the odds are not in our favor if we don't do this together. I'm very interested in your workshop and courses. I'd like to give it a try.
@@musclechic2001 i think you'll notice a huge difference in your own healing and your own ability to cope by utilizing some of the help we have. here are our online courses my friend and the one for the betrayed spouse opens up today: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses should you want to ask him to do the three day intensive with you, here is that link too: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
Its funny all these videos about understand and what the batrayer needs cus hes hurting over affairs may miss n loved. The prostitutes and massage parlors ect ect ect... addiction i can get behind but please dont excuse the behavior and choices they make knowing it would devastate us. These are conscious choices. The after effects they also choose gaslighting stonewalling waiting atleast in my case 2 years full of trickle truths to come clean (partially). Addiction is real i get that but so are choices. Now that i know enough to walk thats also a choice and i finally have one. Smh they hurt