Why Couples Fail After An Affair - Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened
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- Опубликовано: 6 июл 2024
- After an affair, in order to move forward, couples need to come to a common understanding of their history. Without understanding what has actually happened, there is no way for the betrayed spouse to assess the level of damage in their marriage as well as the probability of future success. If there are gaps in the timeline of information, or if there is constantly new information, the entire process can be upended and both spouses can feel paralyzed. Today, let's talk about the importance of information in the recovery process.
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“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
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Infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW, is one of America’s foremost authorities on helping individuals and couples struggling with affairs and compulsive sexual behaviors. He is Founder and President of AffairRecovery.com, the first company to offer anonymous worldwide online group support for those impacted by infidelity. Reynolds holds a Master's Degree in Social Work and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In 1992, Reynolds developed and began leading “affair recovery groups.” He received his Master's of Social Work from the University of Denver and completed three years of post-graduate training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy. He has also worked at the nationally-known Minirth-Meier Tunnel & Wilson Clinic before moving on to private practice: www.affairrecovery.com/about-...
My husband won't tell me anything. He says that he admitted to it and that's all I need to know. I only know of what I found out on my own. I don't trust his words and it really hurts me.I am just trying to heal myself because this really traumatized me to my core plus dealing with postpartum at the time.
My ex told so many different incoherent stories, conflicting with each other. I finally lost all hope and left
Meli Ling. wow sorry to here that ! I am not sure if I want to try to restore my marriage of 38 years for the same reasons ,to many conflict I gotta stories too ! I guess if they want you their words should match their actions ? Well good luck on your journey ! ✌🏼 peace
The lies & changing stories really makes u feel disrespected
The most difficult journey in my entire life is overcoming my wife's infidelity. Found out just over a year ago and its no easier today than it was the day I found out.
@Walker L I know what you are going through. It's been about a year for me too. My husband had an affair with a coworker after knowing her for a few months and acted like he was in love with her. This was right after we had our son. Everything seems like a lie to me still. I pray you get healed.
@@coriettapadilla9977 same my wife had a whole work husband that she would constantly lie about, missing time, trickle truth and a bunch of bs that culminated in a rumor about her at her job
My heart goes out to you all. Just learned about my wife's work boyfriend almost a month ago
Well mine was 27 yrs ago and still don't know the whole truth
I know what you're going thru.
It's been 10months out & I hurt every day.
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone thru.
I truly don't believe he knows the depth of my pain.
This makes so much sense. What do you do when the cheating spouse discloses then retracts the story
It's the same with my wife, she's dodging everything, at the same time we are told not to rush it, while also being told that I cant force anyone to do anything. so...
This guy nails everything right on the head! Though we're still separated and far as I know she still wants her divorce.But this is very powerful advice.
I love how u said it is not necessary to start rebuilding the relationship with trust, but with honesty and empathy. Thank you.
I have PTSD now 😪
This video validated so much of what I’ve been trying to express to my spouse. After 3 years he would give me tiny pieces of what happened. When asked questions his response is “I don’t remember”. Recently he told me he had been dishonest about something concerning the affair for 3 years. I’ve desperately needed to know what happened so I can move past it. I showed him this video. He went to his counselor and told him I was asking for him to tell me the story of the affair from the beginning to the end. His counselor said he had never seen anyone do this this and doubted it would be helpful. I’m so disappointed and frustrated. I guess I’ll never really know and I’m not sure I can live with that and stay in the marriage I so desperately want.
Running Wolf this video was 100% right on. I wish I had it available on my D Day a little over a year ago. He expresses exactly how I felt when I did not receive a complete story of the affair. It kept “nagging” me because it just did not make sense. I was not able to let go and heal because of a underlying need to know the answers to the questions he talks about in this video. I’m not talking about the gritty details. Ti needed the how long, where and why. You deserve these answers.
Just recently I received this information from my UH that cleared it up. The picture was complete. I am now able to let go of the AP and focus on our healing.
If that counselor does not agree then he needs to find a new therapist. They are not all equal. I had one in the beginning that did not understand infidelity either. He should be going to one that has affair experience like those from Affair Recovery. I hope you get the answers you need and deserve.
I'm so sorry that your spouse is refusing to tell you what you need to know! And you certainly have the right to know! My husband also is refusing to tell me what happened. He tried telling me that it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS! I then reminded him that he didn't do this before me or after me! No! He did this during me!
My husband also refuses to watch the videos.
Every damn day I get to feel humiliated! Ashamed! Stupid! Unattractive! Unwanted! And just a complete and total broken mess!
Thanks Baby! For leaving me trapped in my own private hell ! What a wonderful gift!
@@kariwheatley9790 I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I'm going thru this as well. I'm hoping he has told me everything. But I just don't know. He is currently living with the OW.
He needs a new counselor. Honestly I feel like we have wasted the last three months because we didn’t have sex addiction specialists and trauma specialists right off the bat. But that is because I thought it was a little one off thing but then it turned into ten years of double life. It took three months of investigation to pull that much out, and there’s still lots of disclosure to come. I feel like I’ll never get to start healing.
All the answers I have are from a money trail that I'm slowly discovering. Sets me back to the beginning of discovery. He doesn't get the damage lying does to keep me moving forward. The rest I ask and get "I can't remember" or "I don't know". Says everything I need to know... my gut is correct.
My husband said he doesn't like having feelings, yet he had feeling "fell in love with his employee". Those are feelings right?
7 weeks tomorrow since my suspicions were confirmed, and we have been in couples counseling, for 4 weeks. My husband cant talk about his feelings but could highlight his feelings on a sheet of paper that had a big list of feelings. I dont know if he can confront himself.
My husband continuously tells me he has no details...as in he can't really remember how the night progressed after he ran into an old HS friend. Not can he recall how he wound up hanging out with a co- worker 30 days later! It's BS! He has always told ½ of the info I need... regardless of what the subject is.
As in, "Did you know she would be there?" "No, I had no idea" When that could very well mean there was a possibility she would be at a party, but she wasn't sure if she'd make it there. So that, to him means they hadn't planned to meet up for sure because neither of them KNEW if she'd show up... but he thinks his answer is being truthful. He doesn't think omission of details is lying.
I had to have ALL the details. I also got ALL the reminders, triggers, PTSD, and panic attacks to go with it. Maybe I could have done without some of the details, but I don't think I would change anything. 2 yrs post dday and we are both healing with individual counseling. Hoping for some couples sessions once I get through EMDR. It's an agonizing journey. No way around that. I know her and she knows me. The real journey is just starting 😁
hey man i dont mean to bother you but how long after you discover your spouse is having an affair did you get "full disclosure?" i exposed my wifes affair april 6th and ofc all hell broke loose she told me initially she wanted a divorce i told her if thats what she wants go file it well she never did BUT i have found emails from her to him TWICE now since i exposed their stupid asses! obviously we have not even begun to unpack this shit im just wondering when is the "best" time to be like yo ok real talk its time to DISCUSS your infidelity
@Jerror45 any update??? Please let us know!!
Thanks for telling my story
The lies seem worse then the affair. When I found out about my husbands 2 year affair. He said he never touched her or had feelings for her. And yet she sent him nudes he lied about and they saw each other all the time at the bar and campground. Her called her babe etc. how can this much be happened and yet no sex. It was even mentioned. He says he can’t remember or he doesn’t know. I also found out about strippers strip clubs and 28 years of massive porn use. I can’t believe a thing he tells me and even day it feels like I just found out he won’t disclose anything. I will leave not because but cuz of the lies and can’t take accountability for what he has done
Yeah you put my thought in words
Somebody PLEASE tell me. How do you NOT compare as a betrayed?? Is that even possible? Please help, any advice would be greatly appreciated
Wish I could answer that question as I'm still struggling with it everyday myself. I worry I'll always think that he was better than me in every way..
Of course you will compare yourself to whoever you have been betrayed for and abandoned. Men feel emasculated- and women are cut to the core when they discover their husband’s infidelity. If you can, start giving yourself daily affirmations. It’s not someone who is broken who can fix you. You have to start this journey valuing yourself, and that’s when the daily affirmations come in. Start small, but keep doing it. A cheater does not determine your value as a human being. Here are some for you: you have integrity. You are loyal. You keep your word. You are kind. You are forgiving. You are a beautiful person-and anyone who knows you is blessed.
I’d be so grateful if you could address the exit affair as one of the reasons why the marriage failed. My ex began his affair (as best as I know) about 30 days after leaving the house, at my request, for a temporary separation to both work in our stuff with our counselor. I have not seen him face-to-face since a month or so before D-day. There has never been an admission of responsibility in the 14 months since d-day. He pins it all in me by what he said when he left that day ‘’ if you let me leave, I’m never coming back’’. I truly believed it was a temporary separation for 9-months before d-day, the night before his 50th birthday.
Is there anything that I can do to get my husband to realize that by not telling me what I so desperately need to know ! And by not watching the videos with me! He's just keeping me tormented;
Knowingly or not he is not creating a safe environment for healing. Reach out to Affair Recovery and ask what else can you do to convince him.
Free yourself. Despite his destructive actions he has decided not to participate in your healing ❤️🩹
Best venue to repair broken marriages
Please help me i am the unfaithful and my affair happened 13 years ago while my husband was in prison. Things started coming out about 7 years ago and there is so much I don't remember even full events not just in my affair. I have borderline personality disorder and possible bipolar how can I help with heal with out details if I can't remember them
My wife and I have been working through my infidelity for years. It's been almost 15yrs now and I honestly don't remember most of it. She won't believe me on that, but it was so long ago, I really don't remember so much of what was going on.
How can approach this?
22 years later and I have a list of over 40 questions I would very much like answered. Yes we are still together, after 27 years of marriage, but I can never revert back to being the loving husband I was before she had her affair, and unwanted pregnancy. Up until D-Day arrived I felt like I was the luckiest man in the world. Her clamming up after the event has only added to the trauma I experienced at the time. We have been through a lot together since the affair, had a lot of shared experiences, both good and bad. All I can say is we have a high level of respect for each other but, for me, I can never regain the love I had for her until I can put this whole sordid matter behind me.
What do you do as a betrayed if the unfaithful was using drugs and thats what caused the infidelity but has also caused the unfaithful not being able to remember much of anything?? What should I do?
My wife was drunk and doesn’t remember details. Today everything is on video. There are clips on instagram, RUclips, and TikTok, of the affair and she still doesn’t remember the details. She’s in disbelief/denial when she sees theses images. Which leaves me with a feeling of hopelessness and lack of remorse on her part. I’m not sure what to do.
I am the unfaithful spouse. I had kept secret, lied about and occasionally still talked to my affair partner after the betrayal. I "drip fed" my husband after everything had come out, a year after the incident.
But now, everything has come out, I have been totally honest with him. But he can't believe me, none of it makes sense to him and everything seems like a lie for him. So how can I assure him now that I am being honest with him?
You can't. You lied and deceived him with eyes wide open. So your word is now worth nothing to him. That may shock you. But that's the result of deceiving a spouse and sticking a knife in their back. Now your word has no value. You'll have to do the hard work of being transparent and patient and not defensive over a long period of time, and not feel you are the victim for having to do that. In time, perhaps, trust may return slowly. If ever. But it died at your hand, so be patient.
How do you get the details when D-day was years after the affairs occurred?
If the unfaithful is a woman, I would say that women in general store details. Years prior are likely put in a trash bin type of area in the brain.
Ar Pal the unfaithful is male.
@@jessme1426 My male does not remember some info from 6 months ago! How many times did you meet...two that others and I know about and anything more he should be able to recall. I remember my spider senses going off and behaviors back then but I trusted him 101%.
DDay was just over 2 months ago, they have been physically together for over 3 months. No details of any kind other than he "does not know" says "you should let me go" and "I don't think we can make it work". He is living with the AP and rarely contacts me for anything. I may never know.
You should let him go and focus on your own healing. In 6 months when he pops back up tell him no thank you.
I know this sounds like a double edge sword but, how do u deal with the fact that my unfaithful husband says his affair meant nothing. If it meant nothing, why was it so worth risking our marriage? I guess I should be happy that he says it meant nothing; however, I don’t believe him bc in the past, he told me he had “grown feelings for her, and that he had told her twice “I love ya, but only like a friend.” He said he only said it bc his AP said she loved him. First of all, if I was an AP and I told u that I loved u and ur response is “I love ya but, only like a friend, I’d be done with u!!” Secondly, I truly believe in my heart that he was questioning if he was falling in love with her! At one point, he said that his AP started getting child support, so he thought to himself, “only for a millisecond” that with her child support and income, and his income, he could pay me child support no problem. Well, if u weren’t thinking of the possibility of falling in love with her, why would u even think that??
We are a little over 3 years out from the affair, and a little over 1 year from actual D-Day and I’m having the hardest time trying to get past this. Please help me. 💔😢
Rose this is where I am too, he said she meant absolutely nothing to him & I can tell that's true to a point.... Except he risked his marriage to have sex twice w/ someone he didn't like?!? I don't get it. :(
My spouse didn’t have an affair, but lied to me about something involving his ex girlfriend from 20 years ago. He said his therapist told him he was stuck in that period of his life and should write an apology letter to his ex to get closure. He didn’t tell me anything about it. Months later I ended up finding by accident a glass rose that was purchased on Amazon and shipped to his brother’s house. When I asked about it he lied twice. I ended up finding an email that was sent to the ex’s mother and he had given the rose to her. However the rose was to replace the one he gave to his ex years ago that has broke. He said in the letter that the rose would never die like his love for her. The letter did apologize for things, but also claimed that regretted that they didn’t end up together, had never gotten over her, and that he had settled for me. There also was a poem that he didn’t send that said he never wanted to love anyone else, and that he wakes up everyday thinking of her. He has kept contact with her parents and contacted her through Facebook. She is married, I don’t think anything has happened or that she has returned any feelings. He says that I’m overreacting and crazy. I know he never intended me to find any of this, and I feel bad about that, but I’m heartbroken and he doesn’t get it at all.
He gets you being 😢heartbroken but has chosen noț to care. Seek your own healing for your own mental health ❤️🩹