Why Does the Unfaithful Spouse Blame Their Betrayed Spouse for Their Affair & Then Retreat in Shame?
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 23 мар 2022
- Have you ever been blamed for your spouse’s affair? Or, have you ever turned things around and blamed your betrayed spouse for your infidelity? Today I’m going to address how unresolved childhood trauma affects the unfaithful spouse and oftentimes tries to get us to blame our spouse for our own affair. Without clarity into why we have affairs, we’ll most likely never be able to stop acting out or avoid relapse. But, when the unfaithful can focus on taking accountability for unhealthy choices, repairing the damage caused by the infidelity, and caring for our inner wounded child, we learn to become safe for the hurt spouse. As we heal, we can become safe for others around us to heal. Repair work is hard, but it is worth it. We are worth it.
- FREE Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity: www.affairrecovery.com/surviv...
- What kind of affair was it?
Take the FREE Affair Analyzer: www.affairrecovery.com/affair...
- FREE Expert Articles & Videos: www.affairrecovery.com/free-r...
Get a Recovery Library Membership: www.affairrecovery.com/produc...
- Access 3,000+ Q&A Videos, Articles and Mentor Stories
- Get answers from 1,500+ Expert Q&A Videos (Like this one!)
- Talk with others in the private Recovery Library Forums
“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
HEAL with Affair Recovery:
Weekend Retreat: www.affairrecovery.com/produc...
Online Courses: www.affairrecovery.com/progra...
Hope Rising Conference: www.affairrecovery.com/hope-r...
Recovery Library: www.affairrecovery.com/produc...
Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Because some unfaithful spouses are actually narcissist that blameshift, gaslight and use victim mentality to make a person feel guilty and stay in the relationship only to strike again. They love when the other sufferers.
This resonated so much with me. Self love is key for both parties. I being the betrayed spouse found myself so devastated when learning of the affair. It at first was hard to see that my spouse's actions were saying for me to just get over it although he was saying he was saying he was willing to work on our marriage and said he loves me. Actions speak volumes! Four months after D day and now we are unfortunately filing for divorce. We went thru two couples therapy sessions. He blamed me for him having the affair. I'm still in individual therapy, he did not go back for his individual therapy after having his first session. Took me a little time to realize he made a choice beyond my control and that it was not my fault for his decision. The divorce is not the outcome I had wanted but I realize I deserve so much more in a relationship and until he heals what trauma he holds inside what love and marriage we had can not be. I gave it to God and am on the path for my own recovery, rewriting my story, a new chapter of my life going forward. Thank you for the videos and for sharing your experience!
Thank you Samuel. Love your videos. Perfectly said!
This is not a mistake. Mistake is a misunderstanding and wrong action. Adultery is a Sin and that is why people feel like it is life threatening.
My unfaithful spouse was all three. When I expressed my anger as a result of not feeling safe around her, she continued making it all about her, making me understand that she had no clue what she had caused and how to deal with the consequences. She kept saying that she was the one feeling unsafe because of the human reactions in me that SHE had caused. Self-shame and mental stress made her retreat, tending solely to her own heart. This, of course, in my already devastated mind, meant exactly what Samuel said: “you’re not important, I don’t care about how much I’ve devastated you, this is something you made me do and I’m entitled to pursue it”.
Then, she played the belittlement card, again saying precisely what Samuel said: “get over it”. And finally, like Samuel pointed out, she never owned it, she dismissed the consequences of her actions because she got exactly what she wanted: a divorce. So, for her, it was easy to not feel accountable, but so easy to feel entitled.
Infidelity is never a mistake, but a series of cold and calculated choices which, consciously or unconsciously, devastate the victim, the betrayed spouse. Walking away is always the best option, in my opinion. Reconciliation is just postponing your healing because while you’re with your abuser, you’ll never get a chance at healing, if there’s any at all.
Wishing you happy healing my brother
Starting to agree with your perspective. The unfaithful rarely takes responsibility on their end and tries to find comfort by blame shifting. After all they were the weaker vessel anyway.
@@JohnnyJitsu11 Thank you. You too.
@@SirFrancescoGalli that last part is so true, isn’t it!
Yep, that's what's happening to me right now. It's my fault and my reactions are being displayed to the family and affair partner as being maladaptive. I run to get away from that blameshift.
Yes, Yes, Yes!! I’ve spent the last 4 yrs enduring all of this abusive behavior. He refused to believe his many years of betrayal actions traumatized me. Retreat, pull away, blameshifting, entitlements, explosive verbal abuse, emotional and psychological abuse. He’s finally leaning into ACE and processing his emotions and severe negativity. I only hope his psychological recovery efforts are genuine and not to simply lure me into coming back.
This is my husband too. It’ll be six yrs in sept trying to reconcile
i'm so glad the video helped. you can heal my friend and you can find you again in all this rubble. proud of you.
The anger and blame towards me that he exhibited towards me, both before and after I found out about the affair, blew my mind! Sooooo painful!
I bet. They are cowards, who cannot 12:38 own anything which makes them own their actions due to their precious ego being ruined because they have such low self image
Thank you for this talk. As the betrayed I have discovered huge amounts of childhood trauma that I have carried with me through out a 35 yr marriage.
i'm so sorry for that but so glad you're seeing it and how it can be a pathway towards healing for yourself. I get it totally.
Staying single is just so much easier. We never really know someone’s inherit dysfunction until we are so enmeshed with them…that it becomes evident that something is unresolved and causing the dysfunction. And, by then…it’s a heavy burden for the other spouse to either carry…or break away from…because most of these cheating spouses will never do the work to resolve their penchant for making these bad choices. They will just get better at hiding it.
This is on point, betraying your spouse is " a terrible choice" thank you Samuel for allowing God to use you as a channel of blessing to many of us.
your kind. thank you. it's an honor.
Hey Sam, and the AR team.
The work you guys do to give advice and stories and lessons to all those going through recovery work in inspiring. These videos have helped me become a better partner for my spouse, and a better father to our daughter. I am humbled each and every day that she is still with me after my affair. We have found a balance of recovery work and embracing the present. Which has helped us really absorb all the help and information we can.
Thank you very much.
To all those watching this, there is hope and happiness through this storm that unfaithful spouses like myself create, and there is beauty to be gained. Strength. Sending love to each and every soul on this journey.
I'm honored I could help in some small way. thank you for the kind words my friend. they mean more than you know.
This is so spot on , childhood trauma 💔 my husband of 33 years slowing “rewound” his life a true psychological change personality change ! He became a stranger to me , he had an affair for 5 total ,always denied it for the first two years ! years ! , he admitted it left me
Sorry ,, he then yo yo”d for the nxt 2years came home , left returned to his parents that he had issues with since he can remember ,,rollercoaster ride for sure crazy one ,,, anyway I knew something was dreadfully and seriously wrong with him ,,, my heart was broken , and he was broken ,,, tragically my husband after returning home as the affair partner had finally had enough , I had cut contact with him before they split and he actually fell apart in front of her and she had had enough , he was no longer her knight in shining armour ! Just a broken man 💔through unresolved childhood trauma for sure ,,. Tragically after returning home three months later he took his own life ❤️this was 7 years ago , he told me “he would never ever forgive himself” for hurting me and his family …. I will tell you , I forgive him , I’ve had too he was extremely unwell mentally , although I don’t excuse it affairs are so so very painful for the betrayed , but please 🙏 people resolve your traumas , ❤️
Thank you for being so humble and being here for all of us Sam. This one was so important. Getting to the bottom of the trauma and dysfunction is paramount. I’m some steps ahead of my wayward spouse because I was lucky to find the perfect therapist for me. I’ve been healing what’s happened and slowly folding in the childhood/adolescence stuff and figuring out who I really am. It’s nice to finally start putting all the pieces together and make some sense of my life. It’s so incredibly empowering and I’m loving myself and finding more and more forgiveness and wisdom each and every day. I know that I can’t fully make it to the other side until she can do the same. I’m not rushing or setting timelines at all, she’s doing amazing and really wants it. In time I know she can make it there. I will be able to say we are fully reconciled once she can break through. I really just need to thank you for doing all that you do for all of us and this community that none of us ever thought we’d be in. You’ve guided so many of us and have helped us through nightmares. Thank you for sharing your story and so many others. For not being afraid to stand up and show the world that you made a horrible mistake. For sharing with us your journey, Samantha’s journey, your family’s journey. All of you are heroes. I am sorry that you two decided to eventually split and I just want you to know that all of our hearts are with you and your family. It says a lot that you are still here doing what you do even though all the work didn’t result in happily ever after. I know we don’t know what’s happened but I can assume it is mutual and even though it’s tough, was the best decision. It just show how important this journey is no matter what the outcome may be. Love you Sam❤️
so kind of you travis. thank you for the heartfelt words my friend.
Excellent. Thank you. We'll said from a betrayed spouse who could not express this exact situation.
honored. thank you.
I would assume its because they hold others accountable for their emotions happiness etc.
But we full grown adults know that it's just not the case.
I agree. I think it begins with the unfaithful by making a commitment to learn how to respect his betrayed partner. I mean, would he have cheated if he had been respectful of his partner in the first place? When the unfaithful reacts in an unhealthy way to her emoting, he adds insult to injury and shows a lack of respect for her and her process. It is mistreatment when he blames her and/or his past, but in reality, it is more a matter of choice as to how he reacts to her while she is emoting. If he is fully committed to change, then he will respectfully view it as a gift that she is giving him a chance to change his life and the way he treats her.
Hiding behind the trauma of childhood is just scapegoating.
I can see massive issues from my unfaithful ex which she would never own and blamed me for. Even sent me to therapy. Which is always helpful
This was your best video yet. Thank you
awe, so kind of you. thank you for that.
Hi Samuel. I always look forward to Thursdays, and new videos from you and Affair Recovery.
I may have said this before, but this may be the best video yet.
I feel as you are summarizing our issues, and our relationship.
Thank you for all the work you do to create new content, and help so many people.
means so much to read comments like that. gives me great encouragement and support so thank you for that my friend.
The scenario you speak of around the 3 minute mark is a perfect explanation of something I've been trying to communicate to my wife and haven't seemed to have much luck with. Thank you for this video Samuel.
honored I could help.
I’ve been telling my husband our life Coach this, but nobody listens! Thank you! These are my exact words!
so glad I could help.
Wow! Top notch video. You are right on Samuel.
means a ton. thank you.
Thank you so much! This hit the nail on the head for me and trying to understand what has been going on with my spouse. God bless!
i'm so glad it helped. thank you
I could write a book about my thoughts on this video... but I will leave it simply at "SPOT ON" ! Very good video, Samuel. Thank you.
means so much. thank you.
This is probably your best video.
so kind. thank you for that.
Well done on this one.
thank you my friend.
Around 5m45s you say the betrayer made a mistake. They did not make a mistake, they made a choice
Ty again. 👍🙏
Thank you I n needed this, it’s a stage im in
so glad it helped.
The truth. There it is.
I know you have touched on this topic of childhood trauma before but this is so easy to understand and relate too.
Also thankyou alot. Your videos and resources have given me hope through so many dark times. I honestly don't think id have coped otherwise. My depression kind of creeped up on me and nearly overwhelmed me. Judging by the criteria on online tests I probably have PTSD from it. I need to seek proper help. It's just tough. It was a few years ago but not dealt with. My wife acts like nothing happened now and when I tried to mention PTSD (or more accurately PISD) she just deflected and shifted the blame (just like you described here). The last psychologist I saw literally told me I needed to 'man up' as advice when I saw him about my depression and anxiety. It made me so much worse im scared of finding a new therapist now. I believe I know part of why my wife acts out. I just haven't been able to explain it from a cause to actions and reactions point of view like you did here.
I recently found a band that sings mostly about mental health. Citizen Soldier. Listening to expression of PTSD and depression and abandonment issues as a song I've found therapeutic and made me feel more normal.
Was such a nice change from hearing dopey love songs and the sheer numbers of songs about cheating as if its no big deal. It felt like at one point anytime I put the radio on there was a song about cheating or discarding a partner like it's just replacing a material item (which was a double blow also as a song my wife was listening to during her affair was about a guy trying to take anothers girl and its still triggering). Or the other side was the fantasy land love at first sight and no problems ever etc. It was just so opposite to what im living I didn't even listen to music in the end and I used to love music.
great thoughts
thank you.
In Minnesota we've been getting some better than usual weather for wintertime in March: It has warmed up into the 30s-40s , if we're lucky a bit more, during the day, and warmed up to double digits at night. The snow was mostly gone but the ice is still treacherous. It snowed two days ago. The snow covers up the ice, making it harder to see. (Usually we're in for more. March can easily be our snowiest month. We could still have blizzards.) We're hoping it stays that way this year. We're having a nice winter for a change. ^_^ ... Insightful video about the intricacies of trauma. Looking forward to hearing more on this topic. It will help me understand my father more because he was neglected and abused as a child.
Exactly!!!
What about the faithful has childhood trauma that has turned into PTSD
you'll want an expert trauma therapist asap to help. it's more than possible to heal but you need the right help my friend.
@sc10vy1979 Crappy Childhood Fairy's channel is incredibly helpful for CPTSD 🙏
Be glad you don't live in MN🤣🤣🤣
The weather of 30° degrees you speak of is WARM to Us... Sweatshirt Weather!
I don’t know how to get to a place where I can take full accountability for my multiple infidelities. My common reaction is not to deal with the issue but run. I have never taken responsibility for any of my poor choices. I have lied to my wife so much that I believe what I am saying is the truth. I even stopped counseling after a few sessions in the past, when I felt that the counselor was siding with my wife (the betrayed). I have some deep, dark issues that I just can’t seem to humble myself enough to face head on.
You are almost talking about it. That is a great start. Can you get support on your own?
I’m the unfaithful and I some times play my girlfriend for what happened, I try not too but when I get frustrated I tend to blame her again. A lot of the times, o think I blame my girlfriend because I just don’t understand how this happened and how I cheated and ended up being the bad guy. I know I’m the bad guy, I just don’t understand what led me to become the bad guy.
Did you work through this and figure it out for yourself??
People cheat often, out of loneliness. Many spouses neglect their spouse. M arr
😢
People of the north laugh at you southies whining about “coo weather”