Michelle can you PLEASE do a video what happens when the disclosure process is NOT done correctly. When the process is toxic and not therapeutic. When the disclosure does not cover a complete sexual history. And when the answers to the betrayed partner’s questions are answered with an air of blaming, minimizing of actions, and defensiveness.
Disclosure definitely helped me heal. For me knowing all the details gave me mental peace to get to the floor. Then build the healing from there. No way I could get to a full healing, and reconciliation without it.
My partner failed to understand why I keep going back and spiraling was hugely in part because I had to find out everything and all the people and timelines on my own. He didn’t disclose until I had proof, then wanted me to heal and forgive immediately. Never have me a space to feel heard or express myself and find truth with him doing the disclosures, it had to slowly be disclosed because I kept digging 🤦🏻♀️ then he’d stonewall , ignore, or deal with my pain with acting as though he was the victim, then gaslighting about me flipping out because I asked for him to get help and do the work to know what I am experiencing and how to support me and understand me and the triggers.
I can add from my experience, when the disclosure is not done acutely but toxic with a therapist you can not heal because still the betrayer image is put first.
Michelle you are the very BEST. I so wish other therapists would learn from you. More by lightyears from your one video than from a one week intensive, and years of counseling. You are incredibly gifted.
My husband used my depression/post natal depression as an excuse to look at porn in various forms, searching for women who were the opposite of me because whilst I was ill I wasn’t meeting his sexual needs. He gets defensive and then tries accusing me of cheating on him. We can’t afford therapy to help us move forward. Please help!
Over all Ms Mays. I just finished your book, which is brilliant. It felt like you were talking to me. Thank you so much for all of your consideration in this field.
Well Said. The Partner is in surgery without anesthesia with disclosure. Disclosure should be followed by the SA getting serious help to rebuild trust. The old relationship dies right before your eyes. If the new relationship is to stand a chance, the cheater must be sold out to recovery to reach a state of sobriety. The “old (wo)man” must “die” and a “new (wo)man must be created by honesty and transparency. The SA thinks knowing it all heals the Partner. Not so. It depends on what (s)he does AFTER that counts. It’s like filling a container to the overflowing so that the dirty stuff not only rises to the top, but is filtered out through overflowing the vessel with clean water.
I am so glad you are doing what you do. You have made all the difference in my awful journey with betrayal trauma. You seem to think of everything and you describe it so well. Your book was a god send. Thank you!
Again Michelle, thank you for your insightful language. I just heard your share a bit from my own situation, regarding shame, and a partners fear of entering and having to be within shame. I had thought that I might be needing too much with regard to understanding the betrayal and you have just helped me to see why we are circling the drain
It’s been 2.5 years for me he will not give a any disclosure and he denies sex but sex is in the messages. This is making me physically sick. He swears he wants to fix things but won’t do therapy or anything. I really need help. I can’t live like this.
I luv the image of the wound as a real pysically present obstical in the path of healing. That brings a completly different understanding to this process. I may have been blaming myself that this large rick sits upon my chest in my relationship, so i have allowed myself to believe that it was my problem alone. When I can shift to seeing the wound/damage as a boulder in our path, it helps to shift my perspective, hopefully leading to a different approach altogether, plus the rock needs not be mine alone
Betrayal isn’t just in romantic relationships. I think in family and friendships it is worse. Can you do a video on that? What about when betrayal is continued
do you recommend people deal with the betrayal in couples therapy first or individual therapy first? Can you do this at the same time? What defines disclosure; if I would like more specifics about the lying and my husband claims not to remember these specifics?
what if it's not about shame with the cheating partner, but not wanting do deal with all the hassle of healing/empathy work (because they are entitled and it bores and irritates them, they just want to have fun)?
I heard a Doctor say if they are a Narcissist then all bets are off. One of the primary signs of a high level Narcissist is entitlement followed closely by a lack of empathy. ❤
I don't know that a betrayal can be something that can be healed. It depends on the person and their willingness to waste time and energy in someone that has proven to be untrustworthy. There could be lots of blame to go around when it comes to betrayal, but why should a person invest another minute obsessing on what the other person might do in the furure? Imagine having someone cheat on you only to go back to the distrust and resentment. In my particular case, if there is going to be any forgiveness on my part, it will mean both of us going on ourvseparate ways to avoid further drama and pain. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I rather experience the pain of betrayal on my own terms that sleeping next to the betraying enemy. Then again, I have trust issues to begin with and I tend to associate with people at arms' length. I don't become attached to others, in fact my attachment style is rather dismissive. I connect with others on a superficial level. Yes, it's a maladaptive behavior on my part, it has been a struggle in trying to create emotional intimacy in my personal relationships. Years of therapy and I still have not been able to figure out how to solve the puzzle.
I get that about trust issues. Every time I let someone into my life they take, take, take and leave after hurting me somehow. I’ve never felt truly wanted or loved for who I am.
Why is there so little content out there that is even findable with the RUclips algorithm for people who have to leave the relationship - the still need to recover in the same myriad ways as those who stay, in terms of disrupted attachment style, to avoid replicating it in future relationships, and yet Al the results for this issue are about staying together. There really needs to be more exposure for that content, if I'd been betrayed and the necessary decision was to leave, searching "betrayal trauma " on RUclips would be pretty depressing affair. I encourage creators and providers to try searching for resources from that perspective.. and hopefully make (and search engine optimize) some content for this group of folks. I know google is mainly to blame for the algorithm stuff but I'm sure those folks come to these channels looking for their stories and help with their situations.
I heard Michelle say we want to feel the Betrayers pain and loss. Does this mean we Betrayed are supposed to have empathy because he is grieving the loss of the adulterous partner? 🤔
Starting @8:40 and then again @9:05 you use the term “often”? If you’re trying to explain a good disclosure, why do you use that term? If it was a good disclosure, the betraying partner would have some sense of sympathy at the very least if not a little newly built empathy for their betrayed partner, wouldn’t they? I haven’t noticed any disclosures that went well where these types of statements are used afterwards because they realize that the betrayed needs to re-process some things for some time after the disclosure so they can have closure and valadation of the new season the relationship is in.
Braving Hope is a ground-breaking coaching intensive for betrayed partners around the world. Move out of the devastation of betrayal, relieve your trauma symptoms and reclaim your life. To find out if Braving Hope is right for you, schedule a call now: www.michellemays.com/hope/
This is not Stonewalling but still an unhealthy behavior of avoiding the past and focusing on their own sense of self. The struggling/cheating partner is not considering the offended partners recovery. It’s a self centered defensive strategy that needs to be addressed. They will hurt the offended partner and the relationship will not heal.
Thanks for sharing. Down to party? If you have a second, we just recorded an original dance song. As fellow music fans, we'd love if you'd take a listen. It's on our page. Hope you like it!
Michelle can you PLEASE do a video what happens when the disclosure process is NOT done correctly. When the process is toxic and not therapeutic. When the disclosure does not cover a complete sexual history. And when the answers to the betrayed partner’s questions are answered with an air of blaming, minimizing of actions, and defensiveness.
Disclosure definitely helped me heal. For me knowing all the details gave me mental peace to get to the floor. Then build the healing from there. No way I could get to a full healing, and reconciliation without it.
As a husband trying to recover from my wife's cheating this is amazing to hear. Thank you for your work.
My partner failed to understand why I keep going back and spiraling was hugely in part because I had to find out everything and all the people and timelines on my own. He didn’t disclose until I had proof, then wanted me to heal and forgive immediately. Never have me a space to feel heard or express myself and find truth with him doing the disclosures, it had to slowly be disclosed because I kept digging 🤦🏻♀️ then he’d stonewall , ignore, or deal with my pain with acting as though he was the victim, then gaslighting about me flipping out because I asked for him to get help and do the work to know what I am experiencing and how to support me and understand me and the triggers.
I’m dealing with the exact same thing ring now
I understand how you’re feeling. Hang in there it takes time . Going through something similar.
I can add from my experience, when the disclosure is not done acutely but toxic with a therapist you can not heal because still the betrayer image is put first.
You are a gift from God today, you dont know how bad I needed to hear this exact message today, Thank you SO MUCH ❤❤❤
Thank you so much for this. This has been missed by multiple medical professionals that I've personally encountered.
Michelle you are the very BEST. I so wish other therapists would learn from you. More by lightyears from your one video than from a one week intensive, and years of counseling. You are incredibly gifted.
My husband used my depression/post natal depression as an excuse to look at porn in various forms, searching for women who were the opposite of me because whilst I was ill I wasn’t meeting his sexual needs. He gets defensive and then tries accusing me of cheating on him. We can’t afford therapy to help us move forward. Please help!
9:39 that kind of talk is driving me crazy!
That sounds awful. Can you send the betraying partner some videos to show them the process takes a long time?
Over all Ms Mays. I just finished your book, which is brilliant. It felt like you were talking to me. Thank you so much for all of your consideration in this field.
Well Said. The Partner is in surgery without anesthesia with disclosure. Disclosure should be followed by the SA getting serious help to rebuild trust. The old relationship dies right before your eyes. If the new relationship is to stand a chance, the cheater must be sold out to recovery to reach a state of sobriety. The “old (wo)man” must “die” and a “new (wo)man must be created by honesty and transparency. The SA thinks knowing it all heals the Partner. Not so. It depends on what (s)he does AFTER that counts. It’s like filling a container to the overflowing so that the dirty stuff not only rises to the top, but is filtered out through overflowing the vessel with clean water.
I am so glad you are doing what you do. You have made all the difference in my awful journey with betrayal trauma. You seem to think of everything and you describe it so well. Your book was a god send. Thank you!
You are so welcome. I am glad this has been valuable for you.
Again Michelle, thank you for your insightful language. I just heard your share a bit from my own situation, regarding shame, and a partners fear of entering and having to be within shame. I had thought that I might be needing too much with regard to understanding the betrayal and you have just helped me to see why we are circling the drain
Shame is something I am having trouble understanding. Now at least I may look more closely at that bit😊
This is 100% spot on. Could not have said it any better. Unfortunately, this information is learned too late for some.
Thanks for your comment.
You opened my heart ❤️
It’s been 2.5 years for me he will not give a any disclosure and he denies sex but sex is in the messages. This is making me physically sick. He swears he wants to fix things but won’t do therapy or anything. I really need help. I can’t live like this.
I luv the image of the wound as a real pysically present obstical in the path of healing. That brings a completly different understanding to this process. I may have been blaming myself that this large rick sits upon my chest in my relationship, so i have allowed myself to believe that it was my problem alone. When I can shift to seeing the wound/damage as a boulder in our path, it helps to shift my perspective, hopefully leading to a different approach altogether, plus the rock needs not be mine alone
Thanks for your comment! Please reach out if you need more support. michellemays.com/braving-hope
I’m dealing with the exact same thing right now
Betrayal isn’t just in romantic relationships. I think in family and friendships it is worse. Can you do a video on that? What about when betrayal is continued
Thanks for your comment. You can find more support in my Facebook group, Hope After Betrayal: facebook.com/groups/hopeafterbetrayal
do you recommend people deal with the betrayal in couples therapy first or individual therapy first? Can you do this at the same time? What defines disclosure; if I would like more specifics about the lying and my husband claims not to remember these specifics?
what if it's not about shame with the cheating partner, but not wanting do deal with all the hassle of healing/empathy work (because they are entitled and it bores and irritates them, they just want to have fun)?
I heard a Doctor say if they are a Narcissist then all bets are off.
One of the primary signs of a high level Narcissist is entitlement followed closely by a lack of empathy. ❤
I don't know that a betrayal can be something that can be healed. It depends on the person and their willingness to waste time and energy in someone that has proven to be untrustworthy. There could be lots of blame to go around when it comes to betrayal, but why should a person invest another minute obsessing on what the other person might do in the furure? Imagine having someone cheat on you only to go back to the distrust and resentment. In my particular case, if there is going to be any forgiveness on my part, it will mean both of us going on ourvseparate ways to avoid further drama and pain. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I rather experience the pain of betrayal on my own terms that sleeping next to the betraying enemy. Then again, I have trust issues to begin with and I tend to associate with people at arms' length. I don't become attached to others, in fact my attachment style is rather dismissive. I connect with others on a superficial level. Yes, it's a maladaptive behavior on my part, it has been a struggle in trying to create emotional intimacy in my personal relationships. Years of therapy and I still have not been able to figure out how to solve the puzzle.
I get that about trust issues. Every time I let someone into my life they take, take, take and leave after hurting me somehow.
I’ve never felt truly wanted or loved for who I am.
Why is there so little content out there that is even findable with the RUclips algorithm for people who have to leave the relationship - the still need to recover in the same myriad ways as those who stay, in terms of disrupted attachment style, to avoid replicating it in future relationships, and yet Al the results for this issue are about staying together. There really needs to be more exposure for that content, if I'd been betrayed and the necessary decision was to leave, searching "betrayal trauma " on RUclips would be pretty depressing affair. I encourage creators and providers to try searching for resources from that perspective.. and hopefully make (and search engine optimize) some content for this group of folks. I know google is mainly to blame for the algorithm stuff but I'm sure those folks come to these channels looking for their stories and help with their situations.
I appreciate your feedback!
How about 20 years !
😢❤
I heard Michelle say we want to feel the Betrayers pain and loss. Does this mean we Betrayed are supposed to have empathy because he is grieving the loss of the adulterous partner?
🤔
No follow-up answer?
Starting @8:40 and then again @9:05 you use the term “often”?
If you’re trying to explain a good disclosure, why do you use that term?
If it was a good disclosure, the betraying partner would have some sense of sympathy at the very least if not a little newly built empathy for their betrayed partner, wouldn’t they? I haven’t noticed any disclosures that went well where these types of statements are used afterwards because they realize that the betrayed needs to re-process some things for some time after the disclosure so they can have closure and valadation of the new season the relationship is in.
Braving Hope is a ground-breaking coaching intensive for betrayed partners around the world. Move out of the devastation of betrayal, relieve your trauma symptoms and reclaim your life. To find out if Braving Hope is right for you, schedule a call now: www.michellemays.com/hope/
8:55
8:55 This is Stonewalling.
Thanks for your comment!
This is not Stonewalling but still an unhealthy behavior of avoiding the past and focusing on their own sense of self. The struggling/cheating partner is not considering the offended partners recovery. It’s a self centered defensive strategy that needs to be addressed.
They will hurt the offended partner and the relationship will not heal.
Thanks for sharing. Down to party? If you have a second, we just recorded an original dance song. As fellow music fans, we'd love if you'd take a listen. It's on our page. Hope you like it!