What the Betrayed Really Needs from the Unfaithful in Affair Recovery: Empathy
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- Опубликовано: 11 янв 2023
- If a betrayed partner doesn’t experience or see authentic empathy from their unfaithful partner, the recovery efforts of that unfaithful become suspect. “Maybe they are just trying to not lose me and/or the family?” Maybe they don’t want to change and heal, they just want to not talk about it and move on?” Those are just some of the questions the betrayed ask themselves. Today Samuel shares first hand perspective into what are ‘empathy builders’ and what are ‘empathy blockers’ in the life of the unfaithful and how to cultivate not only an empathetic heart but an empathetic life as an unfaithful spouse. Filled with insight for both betrayed and unfaithful, today’s video is sure to encourage you on your journey towards personal and relational healing.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
My friend’s husband just gets mad when she brings it up and says, why do you keep throwing it up in my face…no empathy.
I am sad to say that my defensiveness absolutely strangles any opportunity for openness and vulnerability, leaving no room at all for empathy. My betrayed partner deserves that empathy and I will watch every single video that Sam puts out to work on giving that. This man has taught me so much during these first steps in reconnecting and repairing with my partner. For any unfaithful that see this, do what he says. Open yourself to the pain your partner is feeling. Hear them, love them, and do whatever it takes to help them heal.
So true, and the attitude of empathy and a willingness on the part of the unfaithful can not falter during the recovery work. If the level of empathy resembles a sine wave, progress will be slow or nonexistent
I saw this video and broke down and cried.
All I've wanted in all the years since my wife had her last affair was for her to understand just how badly her choices hurt me and by extension our children.
I know she's sorry for what she did but I don't believe she ever truly "Got It."
I weep for what is lost, what could have been, and what will never be...
I genuinely appreciate what you are sharing in your ministry. I have no doubt countless hurting individuals will be helped and I have immense respect for what you are doing.
I just wish I could have found advice like this forty years ago when my whole life fell into the abyss; it would have made a huge difference.
Mine was 20 years ago there were no videos like this but it wouldn’t have mattered. For her to actually have the affair she had to be disconnected from you so it was impossible at that time for her to have empathy. And she will never get it unless she goes through it. It’s human nature. You may say you would have never acted that way but you can probably think of a time when you just gave somebody sympathy but not empathy. I’m not giving either one of these women an excuse just a reason. But know that people who read this have true empathy for you my friend. That’s all we get unfortunately but better than nothing.
You are right. I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I don’t know what direction to go or what to do after the earth shattering pain I’m feeling. He’s angry that I’m crying and angry because he feels stupid for everything that happened. He was blackmailed my someone that he Skyped with and fondled himself. But he kept talking to other women on Ashley Madison that could have put him in a position for it to happen again. I’m 61 answered been married 17 years and I just feel broken.
Sam. Thanks man. I’m an unfaithful too, and I’m feeling like a true piece of crap today. Your videos help me bro.
This video resonates so much. I watched it 3 times in a row. I wish you all the empathy that you need and give even more to others.❤
awe thank you so much.
I was with an unfaithful partner who had such a hard time empathizing, when my dog died, when I was triggered about the betrayal. I thought well he must be emotionally unintelligent. One night we went to dinner at his friends house and his friend was telling a sad story and started to sob. My unfaithful ex leaped over the kitchen counter to embrace his sobbing friend. I was in absolute awe. 😮 …
Ahhhh! The missing piece .... thankyou Sam....and the disconnect has been fuelled.
This glimmers of honesty and humility. Ego (sympathy) and REAL (empathy). The moment Pinocchio became a real boy. Thank you for this video. I've been following AR for 3 years now and this is the best! Thank you again
That is so powerful. Thank you for those authentic words of wisdom.
I'm a betrayed. I feel I did 80 percent of the work to repair the affair and believe me, this is a kind estimate. I'm processing that anger that I had to do the dirty work, the reading, the seminars, breaking contacts with the AP (she was my bestie at the time), the scripture study. I have still yet to find community.
Hey Sam! Thanks for your message
My husband is just like you were
Samuel. I mean just like you. However he has not even come close to making the effort, or doing the work. I don’t think he ever will. It’s okay if we just pretend it never happened we are good. But he don’t insert that for me it never goes away. And that’s his own consequence.
They have to own it!
This is what I need to do near term and long term.
Yes!!!!! Everything you said is spot on. The very specific ways you mention to learn how to be empathetic will help the betrayer so much! Thank you, Sam.
thank you for the kind words. it means a ton and NEVER gets old.
Praise Jesus for this! Seriously! If you are finding this and have experienced betrayal, whilst my life is far from resolved yet, Affair Recovery has everything you need. A community that gets it! Amazing courses to truly help if you truly want help. There are therapists out there with respect that are a complete waste of time on this subject, they do not get it and I would recommend and encourage any that is not experienced in this specific way of healing, don’t bother. Thank you Sam!
I found the OW in our bedroom 21 years ago, I wish this course were available then . Everything they teach is spot-on. I encourage everyone to listen to the advice from these speakers . My therapist told me he was adding PTSD to my treatment plan . I met some wonderful people in the divorce support group that my Catholic dioceses presented .
so kind of you. thank you for such a great message. i shared it with the entire staff at affair recovery.
Omg. I would love a link to that blog post. Effort sounds incredibly amazing and hot!
Regarding the Unfaithful - When you get a therapist and just chit chat about the crisis of the day or to complain about what you - unfaithful - lost it is not helping the relationship. Get therapy to get to the root of the sex addiction and to heal from inside out. DO THE HARD WORK. Figure out how to OWN What you did and show it. You just destroyed a sacred trust and shattered your partner’s entire world and heart. Dont get mad at them for their hurt and anger. Prove you are willing to be transparent with all things and do it CONSISTENTLY - not only when it’s comfortable. Small things matter too!!! And for the love of God, you better make sure you’re taking the initiative to research and read and do all the work to show your betrayed that they are not having to remind you every other week about meetings and research and reading and therapy etc. etc. If you really want to show that you are serious they should *not have to remind you to do the work. just remember at this point they don’t believe anything out of your mouth so it’s your actions that will prove you can be trusted!!! - The Betrayed
This!
What do I do when my partner doesn't want to answer any questions about infidelity? I have to know things like how many affairs or if there was someone else in our bed. I am left feeling in the dark because I don't have any closure to questions which my partner has all the answers to.
My unfaithful demands empathy for the way i reacted. But continues the bad things. But demands I stop reacting. But wont stop. Ive been saving up for therapy, what can i do is there a video about this?
Following for this. It's the same thing I am going through 😢
That unfaithful is narcissistic and is gaslighting you. I hope you do what you must do to protect yourself.
Keeping passwords, watching porn, talking to other women, sleeping around is not trying though he would sure say so
How can I heal with my son in college after I cheated? He says he wants nothing to do with me
and if the unfaithful has never once shown any concern whatsoever? what then?
perhaps it's time to consider if the relationship is worth saving? it may be a time for an ultimatum with them if they are not showing any empathy at all? at the very least, ask yourself, can you stay in this relationship if they never show any empathy for their choices/affair/addiction/etc.
I am the unfaithful. I felt remorse for breaking child's heart. I have not asked for the betrayed for forgiveness. As I realise I have been tired of the marriage, 100% of financial, household and 60% of spending time with my child. I don't know if I even should be trying to be forgiven, when that's not what I want at all.
Needed this today… and maybe I’m in the wrong I’m not sure anymore. I was the U and came home one day in 2014 and confessed and ended my A. Fast forward to 2019 and I discovered my H was having multiple A(a) via text, photos, videos with my cousin who I was very close to, a friend of the family and a mom of our sons friend plus 3 I didn’t know. We have done so much work, here I am 4 years 4 mo post Dday and still scared at times and have learned to talk and not react. But the less empathy I get it came to blows Last night and I’m over it all of it. He brings up my A when I’m upset and doesn’t listen to me. I no longer have him on the pedestal I once did before his A(s) at this point I would rather be single than spend another day with him 😮💨 is it fair he’s bringing up my A when I’m triggered or having fears? He never did and now 🤷🏻♀️ does wth?
He never healed from when you cheated so now that the tables have turned, you know how he felt. Either put in the work or don’t. He was once in your shoes.. you started this. And if you want it be healthy again you have to try to understand where he’s coming from because he seems to be acting out of hurt
💯
I am the unfaithful & I feel so ashamed about what I did, I become so defensive & make excuses. This is hurting the recovery process & it’s been less than a year since the affair happened. & I want to correct my behavior, I just hope it’s not too late? What should I do?
Stop being defensive and stop making excuses. Answer all questions in detail. Leave nothing out. Explain why you did what you did, what you were thinking, and what you were feeling. Make the betrayed able to understand everything that went on in your head in detail. Be blunt with the cold, hard truth. Sugarcoating the details is an insult to the betrayed. They can pick up on it since it gives off the vibes of deception. You already deceived them by cheating.
My husband straight up lied to my face about his tinder acct. I know he had one bc i seen it on his google 3rd party acct.
I am struggling to maintain empathy as I know my betrayed is going on dating sites. He said he will do what he needs to cope... but I keep viewing it as retaliation, or wondering how he could just go and do that immediately after (projection?). He said he can only handle my presence in small doses so I feel like I have to avoid him. I offered an "open door" policy but I don't know if he thinks I'm sincere, and emotional communication has been a struggle before my infidelity. He deserves my patience and space, and I'm trying not to make it about me- but I can't deny that I wish he would talk to me. It's only been a week since the reveal of my painful choice... and if it feels like a lifetime to me, I imagine he must feel similarly.
Mine is doing the same thing
Nobody knows what it feels like until it happens to you. If you think you know you have no idea trust me.
I'm a betrayed. On Christmas day I found out my wife was having an emotional affair after 16 years together. When you're betrayed and back stabbed that's a trauma to the heart and brain. You can't think, move, you're angry, sad, everything all at once.
If you're the unfaithful you should not have any say in how the betrayed reacts. That's your doing to them. You made the choice to be unfaithful now if they want to treat you like shit so be it. But stay by their side at all cost. Reassurance is key... over and over. Put a tracker on your phone for awhile. Prove to them their worth fighting for and you won't give up until their happy and you fee trusted by them. If you don't do that and stay selfish then you've lost them
She couldn’t get past it and left 8 months later. I guess I could’ve done better. But she wouldn’t really talk to me about it.
I haven’t been betrayed, but I need empathy. My husband has about as much as a toad. He thinks empathy is a “hormonal imbalance in women.” “Sex is the only intimacy; the rest was made up by Hallmark.” Yep, I kissed him a long time ago. But he’s still a toad. Sigh……
How do the unfaithful learn empathy?
expert help, therapy, coaches, a course on our site called hope for healing.
Is it possible for the unfaithful to not be able to have empathy?
Yes they can’t possibly have empathy unless they’ve experienced what you have
Yes, they are probably a covert narcissist. They have no empathy, are not remorseful and tend to be cheaters, and pornography addicts. Educate yourself on Covert Narcissism and you'll get all your answers. Im living this nightmare myself as well. Pray and be strong.
Kissed someone else on a festival I went to in the beginning of the relationship. Didn't wanted it but I just happend out of a bad moment where I was really drugged up and not myself anymore. Broke it off again, because I knew this isn't worth it and tried to forget about it. I knew instantly I'd never be able to keep this to myself. Couple of months later she asked me if something happend on that festival and I told her....she instantly broke it off. Sucks because I really tried to be faithful and I wasn't even attracted to the girl I kissed. Can't understand why it happened. I've been cheated on twice in previous relationships and then left for the other person, so I really now the pain and sweard to myself I would never let that happen. I mean I didn't even slept with the other person. but it still killed the relationship. I can only accept that, because I truly love and want her to be happy in her life
Maybe you wanted to know that you still had options. If you’ve been on both sides of this I would have though you would have learned how painful and decided to grow up and treat you partner with respect.
Addicts need to learn empathy. They have next to zippo.
I have zero empathy for cheaters . I immediately, completely exclude them. Their actions told me how they feel about me.
Sadly, what I have learned is, it has absolutely nothing to do with the person that was victimized in the act of infidelity. It’s not how they felt about you. It’s actually quite the opposite. It’s how they felt about themselves or the lack there of.
What does an unfaithful do if the betrayed spouse says they want comfort and love but while the betrayed is lashing out? I feel i try to be empathetic but it doesn’t seem to be good enough ever.. I feel i try so hard to show that I changed the way of thinking and show that she’s my number one but no matter what it gets brought back to the day I did wrong.. how does someone make themselves be there to comfort someone that consistently goes off and getting upset that i don’t comfort enough when being lashed at?
To the point of waking up daily to being known as disgusting and a POS and good for nothing and not given the chance to comfort..
You literally talk about this on this episode but the therapy suggestion is just blown away by “they cant help me, you the unfaithful have to make the difference” but me as the unfaithful am trying my best to show I’m all for her but its still not good…
I understand my mess up but it feels as though I’m stuck in a painful loop and i know its probably not as painful as it is for her to have dealt with what i did to her but I’m willing to move past the failure i made and try to make life better for us but it seems like its impossible to reach that goal.. please help me help us.
It’s a long journey keep trying
@@j-blaze4207 keep showing empathy with true remorse from the bottom of your heart through all your actions and words to make your partner feel safe.
The pain of infidelity of your life partner to which you love the most , is just unbearable 💔.
She feels like I’m minimizing the infidelity when I’m honest because she wants it to be the story that plays in her head. It’s understandable, but I don’t know what to do in that situation
As the betrayed I can tell you quite frankly: she doesn't get to choose, it's most likely the actual story that's haunting her head. I've been like that, every waking moment, from the second I woke up in the morning to the moment I fell asleep at night (if I could sleep at all) since our D-Day five months ago. We can't choose. It's only gotten a little better recently. If you try to tell her what to think or feel, you are making a grave mistake, because it would be rejection. She needs exactly the opposite, and it's your responsibility - if she means enough to you and you aren't your own priority. Listen to yourself honestly and impartially.
Thanks for your insight and explanation. It's so hard to make her trust me again :(
@@kitana3977 It's tough on both sides, isn't it?
Just do everything in your power and then do a little more. And keep patience and empathy, overcoming all this is unfortunately not a short walk in the sunshine but rather like a winter long-distance hike in the mountains during the night for which one was never trained; I can't describe it better.
And then it's also the case that the stupid, normal everyday life can also bring triggers and mood swings that the cheater is not to blame for - in my case, for example, I'm going to have an surgery the day after tomorrow I'm scared and therefore very tense, and I also have to change my job urgently for health reasons and I'm afraid that I won't find something new in the near future.
But all these negative feelings, which actually have nothing to do with my husband and his cheating, pushed me back into the deep black hole. My thoughts and feelings circle and race around everything he has done (ONS, affair, prostitute); did he really tell me everything? Is he now completely honest with himself and with me? Am I, as he assures me again and again, the only person for him, am I - with my 50-year-old, very unaesthetic, non-erotic body - really what he wants and desires, or will he "need" again some very beautyfull, well-trained 20-year-olds that really fire up his imagination?
And so on and so on...
Please share your Spouse's emotional pain and help her bear her burden. Help her survive emotionally.
i lack love and empathy
You will never learn the meaning of true love my friend. You will have wasted your life if you don't get off your horse.
Listen to Jordan Peterson !
Wrong choices are so fricken hard to bear! Become wise and you fill find peace. Good luck my friend!
I am the one who cheated on my wife and we are a few days past discovery. She found out through a message from the husband of the person i cheated with. i have tried to honestly share with her what has happened and why i feel like i did what i did without looking for any kind of excuse just introspective. we have 2 children and I love her so much and want to try and do the work to make it work. She has already told all her family and friends and says she wants nothing to do with me and wants me out of the house. I have watched these videos and really appreciate the perspective from both sides and I am trying to utilize some of the tools i have learned, but what do you do as the unfaithful if your spouse doesn't want to do the work or even consider giving it a chance.
Hey, how are you doing now?
As a wife who is a few days past dday...finding out my husband stepped out on our marriage. I can only say...let her have her space. It is a grief like non other. If you truly want the relationship to be fixed...you still need to do these efforts even if it seems she isn't responsive...don't give up on her. She's feeling like you abandoned her and that she's worthless to you. I'm unlike your wife in that I am very much open to my husband helping me to heal and fixing our marriage....so I'm watching these videos to help form the words to tell him exactly what I need. There are so many emotions being felt....all at once and like this man says in this video...EMPATHY goes a long way.
How long should the unfaithful give empathy to the betrayed. Months, years?
as far as the affair? forever. we should forever be empathetic about our choices and their affect upon our spouse and partner.
@@samshealingpodcast yes, the correct answer. Thank you.
So it's both our faults. But isn't infidelity worse? There's still one left turn more on one side than the other.