Everything he said he was exactly correct! It is a fantasy land you share nothing with your affair partner you dont share kids or bills or real life with them only fake hopes and dreams. It took me a long time to realize this and that I hurt a ton of people mostly my wife and my 3 daughters. So if you are having an affair or thinking about one know this its not real life. If you are truly unhappy tell your spouse and see if you can fix it or get help to walk through your problems before they snowball into bigger problems.
Thank you Chanks22 for saying this it may seem like common sense but it is not. My wife had an affair partner for 16 of the 17 years of our relationship and in the beginning she just kept saying but you got the good parts and he just got a few experiences over those years. I told her it was exactly the opposite and that she had not seen how unreasonable she had been over the years. To her, he treated her like a princess and I was the garbage man telling her that we have live within a certain set of rules. To say I was devasted when I found out would be an understatement and the childern once they found out realize how little she was there for them we hurt as well. We are all doing better now it has been a year since the last reveal and slowly the anger is leaving and things are not normal but they are no longer horrible.
It’s not always fantasyland. You can’t cookie cut every relationship- that’s just unrealistic. Some are, but some are dealing with a dead marriage, and some are just selfish partners not caring who they hurt. Then they want to cheapen or shame dump on the affair by labeling it a fantasy. It was real. It happened. Often times than not there were feelings involved- probably similar to the first time you fell in love with your partner. The cheater becomes a liar as well. Loses credibility. The did/do not care who they hurt. Please let’s stick with the facts. Don’t distort reality to make your marriage seem more than it is. If it was great they would not have cheated. The kids, community, lifestyle, comfort level, etc. might be great but your relationship i’m guessing not so much. Not necessarily because of you, but let’s keep it realistic. If they were happy they wouldn’t cheat. They are often at an impasse. That’s no fantasy.
thank you sir. I know your comment is years old now, but, as you know, every word of wisdom and experience matter .... and I needed to read what you wrote 3+ years ago
My home is permanently closed for my lying, cheating, and soon to be ex-husband! He made a choice so he gets to live with his actions and consequences. I deserve better and moving on with a better marriage down in the future. The future is bright!!!
This! This is where my resentment lies. He got the fanasty. He got to feel desired, a sex god. and he made them feel the same way. And I was left slogging it out in the reality of kids, work, stress, weight gain, not enough time and too tired when we had time. He got all the glory and now gets to go on, no consequences. Still has marriage, still has family, still has everything and all those hot memories. And I'm left as roadkill, in 1000x worse mental and emotional state then before.
Yeah, this is the bit that pisses me off. My wife gets the thrill and then to come back home. Family want to forget and move on like nothings happened and I'm like, errr hello.... I'm trying to rebuild and you are all acting like this is no big deal.
@@AutoAbsolute Exactly! Everyone keeps saying "oh sex doesn't mean anything for guys." And "but he wants to stay with you and you have thos great family and life. Just get over this." And I'm like - does no one else even TRUST their spouse anymore??? Because I did. I found it foundational to the marriage. And no it's gone. So one of the core foundation of my marriage has literally been blown up. But yeah I'll just shrug and move on - sure! But at least he got his much needed ego boosts and validation. Heaven forbid life's difficulties deprive him of those a couple of years while we struggled.
Sounds like they deserve each other wonder how happy they will be when one or both of them steps outside their relationship … a relationship built on lies, deceit and betrayal is an unhealthy union … trust would be hard for sure …
This really hits it on the head. The one statement that resonates most for me is their willingness to jeopardize everything they've built in life for that momentary pleasure....which is more fantasy than reality.
Her falling pregnant by her affair partner, my unexpected appearance at the family planning clinic when she secretly attempted to terminate the pregnancy, both ended the fantasy. Reality hit hard, when she was most vulnerable.
My wife told me that even when she was with her AP she just wanted to be home with her family. Until now that didn't make any sense to me because if she wanted to be home with her family, she would have been. I guess it's not so cut-and- dried as what I thought. It's like the old saying " You don't miss it until it's gone."
Made up to make the people in the marriage feel better. Discredit the affair. Let’s get honest. It meant something to them or they wouldn’t have carried it out for as long as they did. Are you telling me the last 3 years of my life and the plans and promises were a fantasy? Cuz the last time I checked I was there, I lived it, and I can’t get those years back. Don’t discredit the affair, because you probably will never know the truth there…discredit the affair partners poor choices and disregard for you and your family. So dumb.
What about when everything IS actually shared with the AP, they had a love child, deal with financial matters including starting little companies together founded on their mutual hobbies. Only talks to AP about everything work life fears past present future and gets her opinion on any major or minor life decision. What happens when the AP becomes the one with all his intimacy and becomes his best friend and they treat each other like any other couple only they’re not married. A literal second life. Not all affairs are what people think. Some become something much stronger and go way beyond hooking up. Many deal with reality and not just within a fantasyland like we want to believe. We want to comfort ourselves saying it’s not “real” it’s just a fun little fantasy but unfortunately that’s not always the case. Wrong yes but sometimes to everyone’s surprise they just happened to find another person they were more compatible with. And wrestled with staying because of your vow over this person they had an unexpected deep connection with. Sometimes it stings to think of it that way because it brings feelings of rejection and a deeper loss somehow but sometimes some people just shouldn’t be married anymore, some people just really aren’t compatible anymore because we change and evolve and don’t always evolve together and we want to cling to a nostalgic past that’s long gone and not face that there is actually a better person for them out there. Sneaking around though and handling it likely cowardly turd instead of just divorcing first rather than cause such turmoil for everyone would have been better. But some are so fearful of change and of their spouses. They’re so afraid of losing all they worked for financially their whole life, afraid losing their good reputations with family friends in-laws and in their careers they find it difficult to come clean because who wants to be hated and broke? So they continue on and out of fear say nothing, inevitably making everyone miserable in the long run. Many are short lived little fantasylands sure but not all of them. If an affair lasts more than 5 years then there’s likely much more to it.
Just because someone has a child, has been there for 5 years doesn’t mean they won’t find someone more compatible in a few years time. You said it yourself. People change and evolve
Agree. Shaming us who’ve had or in affairs. It’s not cut and dry. Not at all. I fell in love. I wish I could fall out of love. I don’t know the future or if I’m making good choices anymore. My hb a good man and has forgiven me but so much bagggr after 40 years and a hard Marriage. With no intimacy for past 10. Until now but I feel so disconnected and have moved on. It’s frightening and I’m scared. But me and my AF sing or sung together as a duo and had gigs lined up something I’ve always dreamt of since my early years. A great singing connection and eventually we become more than that. For a year. Now I got found out last week (I’d been in denial but hb had known for months) hb said no contact no singing. I told AP this and he wit interfere. He’s always said he doesn’t want to break up my marriage. Even though it was on the rocks before we met. Even though he has wanted to take me away it said I’d probably need to get a divorce first. But does t want to be the reason. Or he’s non committed. He’s also 20 years younger but he only likes older women. Not sure there is a future with him. But I will never know I guess. I’m very low. I know it’s chemicals and not real life. I wish I could just forgot it and work on my marriage. But at the moment I just can’t. It’s the right thing to do. But my heart next in it
You said this absolutely perfectly! People change all all of the time and some find other suitable people they love more. Not always is it fantasy land. Real relationships do come of it.
Whatever you saying is 100% true , I am betrayed and understand the things clearly but don’t want to go back with the bitter past , I move forward .....
I've watched dozens of these videos and yours is way and above all the rest. Really excellent. And the comments are so honest. They've really helped me. Thank you.
I love this. Metaphors are a wonderful way to visualise. Thank you Wayne. Your last couple of series have been fantastic on trying to understand the tornado my life has been the past year.
Thank you for the video it is insightful, but why do some unfaithful leave their spouse and stay in “Oz/Fantasy land” and then some find their way back home and faced the Betrayed spouse?
This hit me at the moment. Every words he say is true. My wife is willing to let go of me, her kids and her family's. Now, how can I fight and guide my wife back to me and kids.
My husband cheated on me and we're mending our marriage. It's tough and I'm still in such hurt and pain. Perhaps remind her that the grass isn't greener on the other side. She's losing you, your kids and a probably very nice life for an illusion of happiness. It may be great for her for a while, but she will realise that the grass wasn't greener nor better. I sincerely hope it will work for you and your children. Hugs from Sweden 🌹
Thank you thank you thank you. This truly applies to my spouse and I after years of him believing he can stop whenever he wants and believe he can do it on his own. I feel trapped. This really helped to change the trajectory of my story.
Very great points I cannot thank you enough for what they have done for me during my time of healing my wife of 5 years divorce me after I discovered her having an affair she left the family home my kids her job the town for her new Supply then she told me when she left was the heart wants what the heart wants so thank you for putting that into perspective for me. God bless you all and may your journeys be filled with love and happiness.
Who wants a way back to that? I want to forge a fresh path forward, I am. If he’s with me, he’ll get to share in the win, but this isn’t an unconditional marriage. He’ll have to pull his own weight towards the change.
I was devastated when i discovered my wife's affair. Married for 18 years with 2 children. She lied and deceived me for months. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she didnt know. I wanted to try to repair. She still wanted to stay friends with him. I made the decision and left, filed for divorced and left her with her choice. Her AF is married and not leaving his wife. I don't understand it.Never will. I must have been a terrible husband.
From one husband to another: I doubt it you were a bad husband. You may get a call from her. You will never understand and it will never make sense. Even if you had reconciled it still wouldn’t. Remember what Wayne said; affairs are centered on selfishness. Your wife is broken (probably something from childhood) and needs help. Do not reconcile with her until she gets help and understands why she did it or it will repeat. Get yourself in counseling and become a better you. It’s the only variable you can control.
Halo. I also had your experience. No she thinks the affair partner will eventually leave his wife to be with her as it is exciting and the thrill of chasing will eventually fade then she will be devistated. The sad part is if she does not want to end it it will not stop, sorry for giving you the bad news. Good luck in your future God always have a plan for us with or without that person.
Same way a wife can't compare to the fantasy of porn embedded into her porn addict husband's mind. The unfaithful must see that the fantasy life is just that.... Fantasy!!! Every part of it, and they must embrace the REAL love, the real that is so worth it with their spouse
You don't nor should you try. You are better than that because you are not part of that fantasy. Thank God for that! The wizard of Oz had two witches...be "Glenda"!
Is it still an affair if my wife separated from me for a year and then started a new relationship with a coworker while still living at home with me and our 3 kids? She said she was done with our marriage months ago that she moved on. She never divorced me yet but now says she wants to in a year and move out.?
Everything he said he was exactly correct! It is a fantasy land you share nothing with your affair partner you dont share kids or bills or real life with them only fake hopes and dreams. It took me a long time to realize this and that I hurt a ton of people mostly my wife and my 3 daughters. So if you are having an affair or thinking about one know this its not real life. If you are truly unhappy tell your spouse and see if you can fix it or get help to walk through your problems before they snowball into bigger problems.
Thank you Chanks22 for saying this it may seem like common sense but it is not. My wife had an affair partner for 16 of the 17 years of our relationship and in the beginning she just kept saying but you got the good parts and he just got a few experiences over those years. I told her it was exactly the opposite and that she had not seen how unreasonable she had been over the years. To her, he treated her like a princess and I was the garbage man telling her that we have live within a certain set of rules. To say I was devasted when I found out would be an understatement and the childern once they found out realize how little she was there for them we hurt as well. We are all doing better now it has been a year since the last reveal and slowly the anger is leaving and things are not normal but they are no longer horrible.
Well said
It’s not always fantasyland. You can’t cookie cut every relationship- that’s just unrealistic. Some are, but some are dealing with a dead marriage, and some are just selfish partners not caring who they hurt. Then they want to cheapen or shame dump on the affair by labeling it a fantasy. It was real. It happened. Often times than not there were feelings involved- probably similar to the first time you fell in love with your partner. The cheater becomes a liar as well. Loses credibility. The did/do not care who they hurt.
Please let’s stick with the facts. Don’t distort reality to make your marriage seem more than it is. If it was great they would not have cheated. The kids, community, lifestyle, comfort level, etc. might be great but your relationship i’m guessing not so much. Not necessarily because of you, but let’s keep it realistic. If they were happy they wouldn’t cheat. They are often at an impasse. That’s no fantasy.
Well that’s your experience.
thank you sir. I know your comment is years old now, but, as you know, every word of wisdom and experience matter .... and I needed to read what you wrote 3+ years ago
“In reality though, they’re controlling their mate by robbing them of the necessary information to make an informed decision.”
My home is permanently closed for my lying, cheating, and soon to be ex-husband! He made a choice so he gets to live with his actions and consequences. I deserve better and moving on with a better marriage down in the future. The future is bright!!!
This! This is where my resentment lies.
He got the fanasty. He got to feel desired, a sex god. and he made them feel the same way.
And I was left slogging it out in the reality of kids, work, stress, weight gain, not enough time and too tired when we had time.
He got all the glory and now gets to go on, no consequences. Still has marriage, still has family, still has everything and all those hot memories.
And I'm left as roadkill, in 1000x worse mental and emotional state then before.
Yeah, this is the bit that pisses me off. My wife gets the thrill and then to come back home. Family want to forget and move on like nothings happened and I'm like, errr hello.... I'm trying to rebuild and you are all acting like this is no big deal.
@@AutoAbsolute Exactly! Everyone keeps saying "oh sex doesn't mean anything for guys." And "but he wants to stay with you and you have thos great family and life. Just get over this."
And I'm like - does no one else even TRUST their spouse anymore??? Because I did. I found it foundational to the marriage. And no it's gone. So one of the core foundation of my marriage has literally been blown up. But yeah I'll just shrug and move on - sure!
But at least he got his much needed ego boosts and validation. Heaven forbid life's difficulties deprive him of those a couple of years while we struggled.
My husband cheated on me and he married his mistress after years off cheating on me. I hope he is unhappy with her !
me 2, he cheated since day 1. together 37 years.
I just can't see a marriage that started with lies ever to be happy. Eventually he will cheat on her too or vice versa.
Sounds like they deserve each other wonder how happy they will be when one or both of them steps outside their relationship … a relationship built on lies, deceit and betrayal is an unhealthy union … trust would be hard for sure …
This really hits it on the head. The one statement that resonates most for me is their willingness to jeopardize everything they've built in life for that momentary pleasure....which is more fantasy than reality.
It's a life crisis! The other woman is showing him what he greatly fears he'll never have again. Don't underestimate the ego in all this.
Trust me, my husband had two years of fantasy and can’t quit her…
Her falling pregnant by her affair partner, my unexpected appearance at the family planning clinic when she secretly attempted to terminate the pregnancy, both ended the fantasy. Reality hit hard, when she was most vulnerable.
And yet they are willing to destroy everything throughout a long path. They are in an insane mode that effects the lives of their family.
My wife told me that even when she was with her AP she just wanted to be home with her family. Until now that didn't make any sense to me because if she wanted to be home with her family, she would have been. I guess it's not so cut-and- dried as what I thought. It's like the old saying " You don't miss it until it's gone."
I love the connection with the wizard of oz!
I beleive this Fantasyland in reality is called " Limerence "
Made up to make the people in the marriage feel better. Discredit the affair. Let’s get honest. It meant something to them or they wouldn’t have carried it out for as long as they did. Are you telling me the last 3 years of my life and the plans and promises were a fantasy? Cuz the last time I checked I was there, I lived it, and I can’t get those years back. Don’t discredit the affair, because you probably will never know the truth there…discredit the affair partners poor choices and disregard for you and your family.
So dumb.
@@t1sg and another name for Limerence is falling in love!
What about when everything IS actually shared with the AP, they had a love child, deal with financial matters including starting little companies together founded on their mutual hobbies. Only talks to AP about everything work life fears past present future and gets her opinion on any major or minor life decision. What happens when the AP becomes the one with all his intimacy and becomes his best friend and they treat each other like any other couple only they’re not married. A literal second life. Not all affairs are what people think. Some become something much stronger and go way beyond hooking up. Many deal with reality and not just within a fantasyland like we want to believe. We want to comfort ourselves saying it’s not “real” it’s just a fun little fantasy but unfortunately that’s not always the case. Wrong yes but sometimes to everyone’s surprise they just happened to find another person they were more compatible with. And wrestled with staying because of your vow over this person they had an unexpected deep connection with. Sometimes it stings to think of it that way because it brings feelings of rejection and a deeper loss somehow but sometimes some people just shouldn’t be married anymore, some people just really aren’t compatible anymore because we change and evolve and don’t always evolve together and we want to cling to a nostalgic past that’s long gone and not face that there is actually a better person for them out there. Sneaking around though and handling it likely cowardly turd instead of just divorcing first rather than cause such turmoil for everyone would have been better. But some are so fearful of change and of their spouses. They’re so afraid of losing all they worked for financially their whole life, afraid losing their good reputations with family friends in-laws and in their careers they find it difficult to come clean because who wants to be hated and broke? So they continue on and out of fear say nothing, inevitably making everyone miserable in the long run. Many are short lived little fantasylands sure but not all of them. If an affair lasts more than 5 years then there’s likely much more to it.
Just because someone has a child, has been there for 5 years doesn’t mean they won’t find someone more compatible in a few years time.
You said it yourself. People change and evolve
Agree. Shaming us who’ve had or in affairs. It’s not cut and dry. Not at all. I fell in love. I wish I could fall out of love. I don’t know the future or if I’m making good choices anymore. My hb a good man and has forgiven me but so much bagggr after 40 years and a hard
Marriage. With no intimacy for past 10. Until now but I feel so disconnected and have moved on. It’s frightening and I’m scared. But me and my AF sing or sung together as a duo and had gigs lined up something I’ve always dreamt of since my early years. A great singing connection and eventually we become more than that. For a year. Now I got found out last week (I’d been in denial but hb had known for months) hb said no contact no singing. I told AP this and he wit interfere. He’s always said he doesn’t want to break up my marriage. Even though it was on the rocks before we met. Even though he has wanted to take me away it said I’d probably need to get a divorce first. But does t want to be the reason. Or he’s non committed. He’s also 20 years younger but he only likes older women. Not sure there is a future with him. But I will never know I guess. I’m very low. I know it’s chemicals and not real life. I wish I could just forgot it and work on my marriage. But at the moment I just can’t. It’s the right thing to do. But my heart next in it
You said this absolutely perfectly! People change all all of the time and some find other suitable people they love more. Not always is it fantasy land. Real relationships do come of it.
The "trying get home" reference in this video is priceless. Love this correlation with the wizard of oz.
Whatever you saying is 100% true , I am betrayed and understand the things clearly but don’t want to go back with the bitter past , I move forward .....
I've watched dozens of these videos and yours is way and above all the rest. Really excellent. And the comments are so honest. They've really helped me. Thank you.
Brilliant Wizard of Oz analogy... Brain, Heart, and Courage.
The wizard of oz connection was great!!!! Before clicking on this video, i was totally flooding and SO needed this!!!
I love this. Metaphors are a wonderful way to visualise. Thank you Wayne. Your last couple of series have been fantastic on trying to understand the tornado my life has been the past year.
Thank you for the video it is insightful, but why do some unfaithful leave their spouse and stay in “Oz/Fantasy land” and then some find their way back home and faced the Betrayed spouse?
Such a great video -- thank you for putting together. I shared on our EMSO wall as it directly applies to where many of us in that group are at.
This hit me at the moment. Every words he say is true. My wife is willing to let go of me, her kids and her family's. Now, how can I fight and guide my wife back to me and kids.
My husband cheated on me and we're mending our marriage. It's tough and I'm still in such hurt and pain.
Perhaps remind her that the grass isn't greener on the other side. She's losing you, your kids and a probably very nice life for an illusion of happiness.
It may be great for her for a while, but she will realise that the grass wasn't greener nor better.
I sincerely hope it will work for you and your children. Hugs from Sweden 🌹
Great video Wayne!
Excellent video. Thank You.
Thank you thank you thank you. This truly applies to my spouse and I after years of him believing he can stop whenever he wants and believe he can do it on his own. I feel trapped. This really helped to change the trajectory of my story.
EXCELLENT presentation and analogy!! Thank you!
Why would you ever want to go back ?
Wow. Just wow.
Well done video. I completely agree with everything you said.
Very great points I cannot thank you enough for what they have done for me during my time of healing my wife of 5 years divorce me after I discovered her having an affair she left the family home my kids her job the town for her new Supply then she told me when she left was the heart wants what the heart wants so thank you for putting that into perspective for me. God bless you all and may your journeys be filled with love and happiness.
Wow!!
What God has to say about the heart: "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
Jeremiah17:9
This information is so accurate!
so much sense here. It's incredible. It's as if you know my situation.
Thank you so much for this video.
Who wants a way back to that? I want to forge a fresh path forward, I am. If he’s with me, he’ll get to share in the win, but this isn’t an unconditional marriage. He’ll have to pull his own weight towards the change.
This was an awesome video.
This is an excellent video...so true
This is very helpful..thx much
I was devastated when i discovered my wife's affair. Married for 18 years with 2 children. She lied and deceived me for months. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she didnt know. I wanted to try to repair. She still wanted to stay friends with him. I made the decision and left, filed for divorced and left her with her choice. Her AF is married and not leaving his wife. I don't understand it.Never will. I must have been a terrible husband.
From one husband to another: I doubt it you were a bad husband. You may get a call from her. You will never understand and it will never make sense. Even if you had reconciled it still wouldn’t. Remember what Wayne said; affairs are centered on selfishness. Your wife is broken (probably something from childhood) and needs help. Do not reconcile with her until she gets help and understands why she did it or it will repeat.
Get yourself in counseling and become a better you. It’s the only variable you can control.
Halo. I also had your experience. No she thinks the affair partner will eventually leave his wife to be with her as it is exciting and the thrill of chasing will eventually fade then she will be devistated. The sad part is if she does not want to end it it will not stop, sorry for giving you the bad news. Good luck in your future God always have a plan for us with or without that person.
Wish my husband would watch this.
As the adage goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence because you don't mow it.
Thank you so much.
Heavy Analogy!! 📌💯📌💯📌💯
Ok so how do we ever compare to a fantasy?
Jennifer Buserini we cannot.
Same way a wife can't compare to the fantasy of porn embedded into her porn addict husband's mind. The unfaithful must see that the fantasy life is just that.... Fantasy!!! Every part of it, and they must embrace the REAL love, the real that is so worth it with their spouse
You don't nor should you try. You are better than that because you are not part of that fantasy. Thank God for that!
The wizard of Oz had two witches...be "Glenda"!
@@ashleyholmes8496 when husbands cheat, it really is a fantasy that nothing will compare with
Thank you
Such a good video 🙏
Is it still an affair if my wife separated from me for a year and then started a new relationship with a coworker while still living at home with me and our 3 kids? She said she was done with our marriage months ago that she moved on. She never divorced me yet but now says she wants to in a year and move out.?
If there’s no divorce papers then you’re still married
Right on 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
My ex said he led two lives. When he left ( he was a pilot) he became single in his mind. Nope!!!
lol! It’s extremely extremely common
Wow!
Yes!!!! Wizard of Oz....amazing!!!
Adulterers are the most grievous of all abusers.
❤️