Why Couples Fail After An Affair - Part 2: Not Getting It
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- Today I’d like to continue the discussion on why couples fail after an affair. Today’s subject is probably one of the biggest reasons for why betrayed spouses can’t trust or be intimate again with their spouse, and it’s one of the main reasons for why unfaithful spouses can’t reconnect with their mate. I hope you’ll take a few minutes to explore why this one element means more to recovery than almost any other factor.
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My feeling is that the biggest mistake unfaithful spouses make is not recognizing that this is now the biggest thing that has happened to affect your marriage and it is now part of your life. It is part of your life every day. It shapes who you both are now. Ignoring the biggest thing in your marital life tears both partners apart. Pretending it hasn’t changed EVERYRTHING and doesn’t affect the way we see the world now is destructive. For a very long season it defines your marriage and it defines your opinion of yourself and your partner. Accepting that this is where we must start our healing is a milestone. Sadly, it doesn’t happen for everyone. Most unfaithful s that I have interacted with in Various groups and counseling just want to pretend that it’s in the past now and we have to forget it. I would say that’s a roadmap to failure. Address the pain and the lies and the hurt or you will fail.
Wish my wife understood this..
@@skill1983 yes I wish my husband understood as well.
Yes I agree but when the betrayed spouse is doing more work to heal the relationship than the unfaithful it says a lot about the lack of empathy from the unfaithful. I was stuck here as well but then I realized what if instead of infidelity it was cancer due to lifestyle choices the outcome is very similar you’re trying to save a life or save a relationship and from that perspective I would never give up, get tired or stop researching for my partner. Good luck on your journey together.
Thank you, Wayne for this series! You’re so spot on with what you’re saying. It’s really helping me, the betrayed, to understand why I can’t get to grieving & forgiveness! I don’t feel safe with my unfaithful husband’s avoidance & inconsistent attempts to repair the damage he’s caused. 2 years since D-day & no forward momentum! If he truly “gets it”, I should be seeing real, concerted effort from him to chose me & reconnect! Real remorse should draw him to me, not cause him to avoid the necessary, uncomfortable conversations! 3/4/2020
Thank you! Thank you! Exactly what i have been trying to express to him! I am more than insulted every time he not only defends her, he denies or says he isnt doing that anymore,or that was a long time ago. I find myself asking him why he isnt asking me if i'm alright, is there something he could do to help me believe him, that he is truely sorry, that he messed. I've been waiting for it to come from him. He just wants to act like it didnt happen,he wants me to not bring it up at all. I cant not bring it up. Its a giant mess and i need him to clean it up. We need to heal and reconnect. I dont feel safe. He didnt choose me, she screwed him over. If she hadnt i'm sure they would still be shady and i would be lied to and be an obstacle, an obligation. Its so cold outside looking in being told " we are just friends" . God bless you guys for your honesty and spreading the word!
That whole, "I'm not doing that anymore" is total bs. They think that helps and it really doesn't becsuer they already did it.
Slowly but surely, I am feeling like these videos don't apply to me anymore. Thank you for all the amazing help ! I am healing and we are healing. 😁😁
0 empathy - I can move forward - its called divorce. maybe one day he'll get it.
It took me 11 years to feel the empathy I should of had for my ex wife. Never realized how much pain it caused until my current wife betrayed me. I ended up calling up my ex wife crying. All I could do was tell her sorry over and over again. She told me “thank you, I have waited 11 years to hear a sincere apology. You are forgiven”
Wayne, you get it so much, you get it perfectly. I can't reconnect with my husband after multiple infadelitous actions with multiple woman. I'm trying to get to forgiveness but there is so little empathy and understanding, nor the willingness to do more than just the bare minimum. It's slowly killing and chipping away at what remains of my heart trying to overcome this.
Stephanie Firestone Ughh, I’m so sorry. Hugs and prayers to you! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Stephanie, I can so relate. Years have gone by yet the pain of the actions has remained. My prayers are with you.
Stephanie Firestone oh wow. I read this and thought when I I type this? 🤔♥️♥️♥️♥️
“When did’ I type” this I meant
I totally relate. I'm calling my engagement off because I don't feel safe and when I tell my partner what it would take for me to feel safe he say's that he cant do those things and he feels pressured into doing them. Thats when I realized even if it hurts for me to break it off I really have to do it.
I’m so glad I’m not crazy! This video confirms everything I’ve learned and tried to put into practice. I still thank God for growth and the positive changes that have taken place in our lives.
Once again, Wayne, hit the nail on the head!
I would really like videos to take into considerations couples who have both had affairs and have betrayed one another. It's really hard to gain value from these videos when you are both the betrayed and the wayward spouse. Thank you for all that you do as I do feel it's important and valuable, I just find it difficult in our specific situation.
yes same here, both of us have betrayed one another as well. sounds like we'll both have to ask and answer questions and show each other remorse and empathy i guess
My partner doesn't want to talk about it. He says I only want to talk about it to try and catch him out as he has always refused to talk about it properly. He gets very defensive. I get a I'm sorry but... He does not fully understand the damage he has done.
Thanks Wayne. Keep up the good work.
Ya'll are giving off serious love vibes! 🧡💛💚💜
When should you talk anymore about it? 4 years later and still want to talk about it....,
My husband is having an affair, has zero empathy for his actions, never said sorry… we just got married 2 months ago and he already moved on. Bought a puppy with the girl, his friends and family support him… maybe someday he’ll apologize…
Omg I am so so sorry. I pray you got the healing you need and deserve. Don’t let it change who you are. ❤
My husband is a women chanser with multiple women. 3 mths later he says to me " why are you bringing it up again, I am not doing that Now. I am a child of God now and God doesn't see my old self so you shouldn't either"
He uses God and the bible to shame me for bringing it up.
Using God is the worst.
Got me right in the heart, doc. Lol
My wife left about a month ago. I tried to go to marriage counseling with her for 3 weeks, she attended. Then I found out that there was somebody else at work all along. This was a 19 year marriage that was mostly happy. The divorce is progressing forward. The man ended the affair. It was a fling to him, though she had feelings. So far, she shows no signs of remorse or empathy, though a lot of people including the marriage counselor thinks she’ll try to put it back together in the future. I have my doubts, but don’t know. I also don’t know what I’d do if she wanted to be back with me.
Have you dealt with both spouses being unfaithful. One has an addiction and denied the other and the other had an affair
That is exactly what my husband and I are dealing with. They have a really good interview with a couple called “his addiction her betrayal or affair” on here.
Hi Wayne. How do I get the my spouse to open up about talk to me. She is the betrayed spouse.