Agreed. I spoke to them on the phone, texted a bit & asked for their picture (they revealed the affair of 2 years via an email to my work email address & provided contact details...cold as ice). Needed to verify some stuff as my spouse was denying it initially & then drip feeding info - to get private, intimate info to verify if it was true & to know what they looked like in case they came after me or our child (coz what kind of psycho goes after a married family person in the first place & then tries to reportedly heal themselves by trying their best to break up a marriage & family). Of note I caught them in some misleading, exaggerated stories so after getting what I needed, I stopped contact - it had ripped my heart out every time to talk to them. I was gracious to them & calm because I have a family to protect & because I was ultimately grateful for the knowledge of the affair. I am confident that life will give them what they deserve in due course. I feel the same way about my spouse, but I have chosen to stay & work through it. I don't know if my spouse would have opened up if I hadn't gotten a head start on info directly from the person. I knew in my bones that I needed to hear EVERYTHING no matter how painful. 3.5 months since revelation day & I haven't broken down so proud of myself.
I saw the first one accidentally in the airport. She walked over to my husband and I was shocked at what she looked like. Definitely made me feel better!!!
Yeah, I was driving near the AP’s place of work and the thought crossed my mind maybe I should pay him a visit. This was followed by a surprising surge of anger. For the last 20 years I had resisted a confrontation, for most of the reasons given in this video. I am generally controlled, and analytical, but in this moment I realised that it would not take much to trigger a violent response that I would later regret. He is simply not worth it. We managed to recover from their affair, and it is enough to be able to say the best man won.
If it werent for the affair partner i wouldnt have found out about the affair. My husband lied continuously and it wasnt til i showed the conversation between her and i to him did he admit to an affair. I took much of the information she gave me with a grain of salt.. but fact was she admitted she was sleeping with my husband. That was all i needed.
U did not argue of fight with her or tell her to bk off? I think this vid is more about that not getting into it with her... the AP came to me crying only because she was not getting wat she wanted from my husband. She thought she was the one 😪
What I have learned in life is never go to a therapist or counselor that has not personally dealt with the same problem . If you need counseling in any area of your life ask the person if they have dealt with this same problem in their own life ? If not leave the office and find someone else . They will counsel from a text book not real life experience.
The bearded guy w/ the glasses, who does most of the videos has exactly experienced this same problem. I find him very comforting even as the "betrayed". Mine had an emotional affair w/ a girl half our age. She was supposed to be a friend of mine when he introduced her. He was still stealing time w/ her when I pitched her out of my house for her nasty little seduction games right in front of me. She chased him to church the last time, when he was supposed to be confessing the ordeal. If I had seen her in the first few months, it would have been ugly and went very badly for her. She's been reported to the church and thankfully, they did believe me that she was someone to look out for, as a homewrecker and occultist who told him outright she'd never become Christian. These days, I would just w/draw. I would want nothing to do w/ her. She used to call me and email often, back when I was useful to try and steal him away. I never heard from her one time after. It's enough to know she was never my friend and that she's a nasty person. It took a few months, but I could eventually pray for her w/out mayhem entering my mind.
Same here! I never want to see her again! I got rid of everything she gave us An pics of her! She is a zero to me! My heart goes to you, they wr in ur wedding.
There’s a unwritten guy code rule. When you know someone has a wife/girl and you dare to intervene you automatically labeled as a “homewrecker”. In my opinion, they need to be checked.
I was going to ask that also. They both make me sick, playing like they were just friends and that she was my friend as well. A rouse to be near him the dirty scum. It continues to this day 😮
I told my husbands af spouse. He divorced her. She now calls me a home wrecker. Imagine that, I’m the home wrecker??? Some people can take personal responsibility. Her ex husband is in a new loving relationship and VERY happy. I would do it all over again. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is at fault for the affair too but she was a friend.. so I thought
You helped that man to find a new life and gave him the dignity and self respect he deserved. I applaud you 👏 I would have wanted someone to tell me, too.
I did confront AP. Her levels of lies, lack of self awareness was tragic. I had a sincere sadness that my partner was duped, and she was clearly unwell. For me, that aspect was healing.
A H me too and... I felt great. I let her know he never cared about her. He was just looking for sex. He dumped her a week before I found out. She fell in love and wanted out of her marriage and wanted to be with him so he dumped her. I do blame him but, letting her know she was a fool and used made me feel great. I also told her husband and now they are divorced. She called me a home wrecker. Imagine that... she’s delusional. Don’t get me wrong. I blame my husband for 95% of it but, I was so happy to let her know that I know everything and he used her
Patti Humiston I mostly felt really upset by the trail of destruction this girl/woman will inflict. She clearly does this maneuver a lot (going after taken/married men). Healing is a process, but I feel clear now that I can work through this with my husband. Sending light to you and yours.
I rang the AP at her at work, she was out on an appointment so I left a message with receptionist that Mrs ……… wanted to speak to her and she would know what it was about. Later that day I received a message via LinkedIn, she said that my husband and her were just friends and our separation was none of her business. I told her about dates and times they had spent the night together (I tracked our family car) I told her to have some self respect and stop chasing after married men. I told her I knew nothing about any ‘separation’ (that was a lie) and I would never give up on my marriage. I ended the message with ‘stay the hell away from my husband.’ It worked…. She thought he’d been lying to her about being separated and was terrified about what I might do to her. 😂
Well I did and made me fell very powerfull. I was in a position to do so, specially because he chose ME and not her and this without me begging him to come back. They got physical only after the discovery of their emotional affair and after we broke up. They met twice and that was.. I did in a very classy way. Wrote an email and sarcastically thanked her for bringing us back together. Told her that he beeing with her for just the short time made him realise how much he loved me and no one could fullfill him the way I do. She was very in love with him and was completely devastated and went nuts. I feelt just great! Ah.. and I told her husband as well. Not a bit of regret!
I made this mistake. I wish I had read this before I considered confronting the AP. I am not sure I would have listened, but I sure wish I had considered some of these before I made the mistake of contacting him. Points 4, 5, and 8 are spot on.
mvb819 I agree with you! Going through infidelity is something that I would never wish on anyone. I learned of multiple disclosures especially during very difficult times with my mother in and out of the hospital prior to her death. I was getting mixed signals nose from my wayward spouse. I guess also in the hopes deep down of working on our marriage. I had multiple sites that I was trying to get the most information that I could and I even thought that sharing that with him occasionally would help. However I learned afterwards that that was not a good idea because they need to want to do recovery work on their own and not with you pushing it. So in essence all that I was trying to do actually making things worse. This last time I found out again of this secretive coming back home from a business trip earlier than stated. I really had enough NF that time I confronted her. Probably again another wrong thing for me to do. She said that she slept with him every night, She also added that she knows so much about me that if she were to share she would embarrass me and then she added that she had no problem with her god. Looking back at it now I probably just pushed him more into her arms because of who she is. I called her a whore and I still believe that’s what she ... No matter what!
If a man knows a women is married and he starts playing on the spouses heart strings to me that man is a COWARD !!! And he really needs to feel the pain although Pysical that i felt when i found out !!!!!
I agree with you if the betrayed didn't know the AP. But this AP knew we were married, my wife and I both know the AP, so they both stabbed me in the back. When you know the AP, personally, I think it is fine to confront them. I have nothing to prove, I just want to put this christian, boy scout leader in his place.
"They don't know your mate's motives anymore than you do." Wow. That hit home. So true. Thank you. And stroking the mate's ego, or pointing out a crush has developed that they might take advantage of if they haven't already.
My spouse's ap was a cousin who has been after my spouse since the age of 13. I really want to expose the ap to the family, but that would hurt my mate and me in the long run. If my spouse leaves me, then I definitely will expose them both to the family.
I contacted my wife's affair partner, and from his responses, I could make conclusion that he was the guy. I am quite sure my wife is not happy with his responses because he mentioned my wife was too old for him. I never mean to get ang real information from him and I knew he would like to lie. But still I got some useful information. I have a lot of pain that my wife still loves him much more than me. I decide to stay, at least temporally, to prevent them from being together.
My wife worked in the same large building as her affair partner. When it ended i told him you will do exactly as i say or i will tell your wife. They had different jobs in different parts of the building. I said you will not look or talk to my wife and if i see you in public (and i did 3 times) you will vacate the area immediately. His response was like a child that got caught. After 10 months i asked my wife if she ever speaks to him in her daily workings and she said yes, i would look awkward if we didn't. I walked up to his wife in public and said your husband is sleeping with my wife. She looked stunned and hurt. They divorced and i served him up some pain. Felt really good. He also liked to hit the pub after work so i hung out until he got into his car and called him in as a drunk driver and watched him get arrested. Hey a$$hole do you regret seducing my wife and creating a Limerent affair. You were just in it to sample her body while she was in Limerence.
Under no circumstances will I contact my husband's AP on my own. But I don't have to because her mother lives in the house next door and that's why the AP is here from time to time. My opportunity will come to clarify a few things with this woman, such as what role she really played in my husband's life and thereby mine; I know her from before, from the time before the affair, and therefore know exactly what a self-loving, self-pitying and financially opportunistic person she is - all the reasons why she approached my husband at a time in life when he was receptive to her pretend "weak, needy femininity". I know she gossiped around after the affair was over, so it will be my pleasure to pour some truths into hers, in a very gracious yet public way. I have patience, my time will come to put this woman in her place.
OK, may be I have a karmic one to tell...My ex husband's AP 'phoned our house and I answered. I told her that my husband was married and had a ten month old son and that she was contributing to the break up of our marriage. She tried to turn it around on me and said that I was the one in the marriage and therefore any break up was my responsibility. My reply to that was:- 'Fine, you want him so much, you have him. BUT before you do. Just think on, if he is cheating on me, then there is every chance that he will cheat on you too, whenever he is fed up of whatever small inconvenience or boredom that he finds with you. But hey, if he is scuzzy enough to leave his marriage and ten month old son and you're no better, then you deserve one another' Ex played hell that I had spoken to her. Within the month he had left us. And within two weeks of him leaving, she was on the 'phone begging me to take him back. I told her, thanks but no thanks, you chose him, you keep him. She was puzzled as to why I had taken the trouble to warn her off, but now I didn't want him back. So I said:- 'Sorry, did you both mistake me for a doormat? YOU wanted him, YOU had him. Why the hell would you think that I'd want someone back that not only cheated on me, but also made it very public knowledge by walking out on me? Do you seriously think that I have ANY chance of working this out with all of my friends, neighbours and family speculating whether I am keeping him happy or whether he is going to stray again? If I had little chance of making it work after an affair then it is pretty much zero now everyone knows about it. Besides which all it would do is signal to my ex and the rest of the world that I am some sort of walk over.' She tried to coerce me to take him back by saying that he was harassing her and that she would report it to the police and that I somehow needed to take him back to stop her doing this. My reply was:- 'Not my relationship, not MY problem'
The harassment went through HR 🤦🏻♀️ a whole investigation… she was exposed by her own actions and lies. I wasn’t fighting over him, although I let him know that my peace was disturbed & will not allowed it.
Good luck to you. I found the video about 6 days too late. We've made great progress in our process of healing he has a new job now we found out psycho AP has been trying to get a job at the same place :-/.
Good advice ,but too late for me. I confronted the AP long ago. It didn't really help,but I was at a loss as to what to do at the time. I got a couple of digs on how old she looked for her age. I guess that was my little sense of satisfaction,but it was not my classiest moment,and ultimately, that is not what kind of person I am or want to be. Ultimately, it was my husband's poor and thoughtless decisions that got me there,and an unethical mess of a woman. Oh and binge drinking.
I don't understand how I can possibly be expected to go forward through life and not confronting this individual. No consequences for his actions? How is that okay? How can that possibly be okay?
Rick, can you do a video on when there is a child produced out of the affair? I am on the verge of divorce because even though my husband desperately wants to save the marriage, he is insisting on having a personal relationship with the child beyond the financial obligations. This is something I can not and will not live with. I would never be able to move on ever from the betrayal & the fact that after 27 years of marriage this could happen & he is now a father to another child (we have 2 children ) and bonding with it, is just too severely devastating to me. It’s been 4 months since DDay & I cant take anymore. I am about to file for divorce. Please give me your thoughts and advice.💔
My wife fell pregnant by the AP and she chose to terminate the pregnancy. I had no part in the final decision but I can say that I would not have tolerated further and continuing involvement with the AP, at any level, had she chosen to see the pregnancy through to term. I would have divorced her.
Such excellent advise. Wish I would have heard this before I contacted my husband's AP. It was brief, but I still wish I wouldn't have shown her any credibility by calling her.
What if the AP confronts the betrayed? Constantly and in a way where theres no legal recourse (i checked)? What if the AP keeps somehow "rubbing it in", delivering new information which your spouse "Didn't remember" and keeps denying - regardless of the bulletproof evidence delivered by the AP (if only to inflict pain and embarrassment). What if the spouse, for years, keeps lying about all the new discoveries and then gets upset when called out for basically protecting her AP and sort of "choosing" him over the uncomfortable talk that is definitely needed? What to do if the AP manages to frequently "remind" the betrayed of what a "slut" his wife is (yes, I'm quoting) while also claiming he is not interested in "being with her again, ever" while making it clear that he blames the betrayed for "ruining a good rhing". And the unfaithful constantly playing down or belittling the sheer terror this inflicts on the betrayed. Resetting the timeline of healing with every incident by actually blaming the betrayed "For listening/reading" and believing evidence (pictures, text messages or video) over her word, which she has shown too many times to be worthless and cannot be trusted. Going so far as to blaming the betrayed for receiving these unwanted contacts, even if the betrayed has involved law enforcement but was told, many times, that the AP is "too smart" to cross certain lines that would allow or warrant legal action, let alone civil action. (It's complicated but the AP uses technology to completely hide his tracks. Besides, making the evidence public would add too much shame and pain to me/the family and he uses this to further his cause, driving a wedge between me and my wife, and she cementing that wedge by continuing to deny, lie, avoid and gaslight) Sometimes I feel that the unfaithful has no clue as to just how much damage they can still inflict after the fact, by just avoiding to come fully clean and thus taking away all the power the AP has.
@@candacedumond3474 I always considered myself a "family man" and giving up never was an option for me, but yes, it has worn me down physically and mentally to the point where I'm ready to give up. After an 8 year nightmare to save or salvage what used to be my life for 30 years. I still have not given up trying to understand. Understand why the years after I found out were worse than the finding out. The affair itself was anywhere from 6 to 12 months, the aftermath 8 years and counting. Admittedly, the first 4 years were based on so many lies and so much gaslighting that I seriously doubted even hard evidence the AP started sending me within weeks after I found out. Only after one particular evening I learned that I was in fact not crazy or paranoid when my wife laughingly admitted to maybe 10% of what I already knew. But it stopped me from completely going insane. But I still feel I'm crazy for still trying...
F Z so sorry to hear of your struggle brother. Nobody deserves this treatment but you deserve your dignity. I hope you have found a way to live that brings you peace, which is your absolute right. Wishing you strength brother.
Almost sent a very long message to the AP's wife just this morning. I still have it typed up. Kinda glad I didn't send it, but then again I feel like his wife should know if she doesn't.
2 M's, 1 C I know right? Basically their screw ups make us co-conspirators since they want us to keep their secrets. Just another of the many ways they inflict damage.
My husband has been involved with his Exec Assistant at work and has been ongoing for 2 yrs. Husband has not apologized to me, has left the marriage and has made no attempt to address my grief, my pain or concern for my healing. So I tell his Board that his is happening? Get them both fired?
After several years and my wife still in touch with her AP l followed her to work and she was stopped in layby talking to him. Confronting him was the best thing ever. It was a short exchange now l have clarity, AND it draws a line under it. I told him to f' off, leave us alone. He got nasty, swore at me something my wife had never seen. Afterwards, l saw her at work and told her what a nasty person he was. No wonder he has so few friends. She went quiet. I said she's welcome to him, good luck. She messaged me saying how sorry she was, she was never going leave me and she'll block him etc... The best thing is l'm still angry. Anger is a brilliant way of protecting your feelings. I should have confronted him years back.
I often wonder if I should confront the AP’s spouse. It doesn’t seem right that they do not know. Ghosting the AP is probably the right thing to do, but I keep thinking why does this person have no consequences while my family has suffered many?
1 year pdday and my goodness this has been so hard.. AP keeps hitting up my spouse, shes blocked on everything and gets burner accounts and friend accounts- even went as far as to pretend to be a recommended job through an old co worker and when he went to the interview it was her!!!! It has been a nightmare i dont knkw how we can shake her :'[
When there is a serious relationship or commitment, I think it's right and proper to confront the ap harshly and make him suffer the necessary consequences and inform the people around him. If the affair involves people within a marriage, in my opinion there is an aggravating circumstance, that I don't say should be washed away with blood, (a long time ago it was instead permitted by jurisprudence), but at least a scorched earth must be made around the treacherous subjects and accomplices.
Interesting you brought up sexual harassment. My husband, who “didn’t cheat” was scared of “rumors starting” at work if I asked the AF about it, or catching a harassment case there. Of course if he didn’t cheat, that wouldn’t cross his mind. It wouldn’t be an issue to fear.
True eve my husband is afraid when I found out that I will report them to their office and do something serious on both of them.. Till now my husband is protecting his mistress by not working in same branch but I knew that they're continually having an affair. And I an feel that and saw all evidences
I confronted my partners affair partner but she already knew about me and our kids. She does not care. So, it was a waste of time. I do wish I wouldn't have treated her as a variable In our relationship. I think I was hoping she was a decent human that had no idea about our family and I wanted to inform her. I do regret confronting her.
I am a military spouse whose service member is deployed. Because I was so upset, I never looked to not make this mistake but did. I was so emotionally comprised when I found out and wanted to make a point to keep all communication professional and not personal. But this was after asking my partner to stop close contact with them. Now...I am a bit afraid that the person contacted them about my speaking with them in which may resulted in back and forth. It may have also upset my partner hence lack of response from emails sent over the past few hours. I'm not sure what to do at this point but wait. I'm just really nervous about this whole thing because I really want to save my marriage.
What if they keep trying to come back even after many attempts of blocking her. She found a way to come back into our lives after us really being happy and recovering his affair but she found a way. What next? She keeps trying.
These stories never end well. Not once have I been told of a betrayed partner contacting an affair partner and creating anything other than further pain and damage. So why do betrayed partners do this, even when they know they are diving into a deep puddle of muck and dragging others in with them? What motivates this harmful behavior?
I think they're extremely confused by the news of the affair, enjoying what they thought was a good relationship to betrayal, and because their partner won't give them any answers, the confusion and pain sends them to the AP. I also think there's a bit of morbid curiosity that the betrayed feels towards the AP, like what do they have that I don't kinda thing.
So my ex wife and her family is justified to cut me out of their lives because that way my shame will cause me to be better? My shame has caused me to do so many things in the opposite direction which has in turn ruined any chance i had of getting back together with my betrayed spouse.
This is really good Rick. I did it and in retrospect I agree 100% that there is no value at all in confronting the AP. They may really be crazy! Recovered And grateful spouse, 2+ years, no longer counting months
I told her “don’t ever text my husband again” that messed her up. Threatened me saying I was harassing her but she doesn’t have the guts to get outed because she tried to mess with every married man at church. I didn’t know what total trash she was but many people did and kept quiet about it. She’s gone from there, we are gone from there but not far enough yet. Then there are the women at church that think she didn’t mess with their husbands. They are afraid of the truth. Church is the most dangerous place in American because people think they are safe there. They aren’t.
Yeah, my husband's AP knew very well he was married with kids. And he paid for a whole trip, all her costs! What does that make her? I have several words. Yes, I'd like to confront her. I do have a few words to say to her.
My husband’s AP didn’t know he was married. Though, I kind of question whether that’s true now. I know he never told her, but it wouldn’t be that hard to find out. Anyways, I thought since she supposedly didn’t know, she would be honest and open with me. Boy that backfired big. She lied about so much, and said and sent pictures of stuff just to hurt me. I wish I would have watched this first. Infidelity really sucks.
Dont think this applies to every circumstance,. My wifes ap was my friend and the relationship was a long duration , I went nuclear, told everyone in his family i coyld friends mutual and not , got him suspended from his profession for ethics violations. He ran scared and sold everything and is in hiding from me. I discovered and revealed to everyone we knew several other affairs he has had a hat his wife , also my friend knew of and kept hidden. There was nothing to be gained from being silent and ghosting him, the only satisfaction and good feelings came from successful destruction of his life
I am so sorry for the immense pain this creep caused you, it is a pain that I know well. You did good. May you find a tremendous woman who will honor you and adore you the way you deserve.
I confronted the AP. Never regretted it. It was a healing experience for me.
me too
what did they say?!
Its called sticking up yourself
Agreed. I spoke to them on the phone, texted a bit & asked for their picture (they revealed the affair of 2 years via an email to my work email address & provided contact details...cold as ice). Needed to verify some stuff as my spouse was denying it initially & then drip feeding info - to get private, intimate info to verify if it was true & to know what they looked like in case they came after me or our child (coz what kind of psycho goes after a married family person in the first place & then tries to reportedly heal themselves by trying their best to break up a marriage & family). Of note I caught them in some misleading, exaggerated stories so after getting what I needed, I stopped contact - it had ripped my heart out every time to talk to them. I was gracious to them & calm because I have a family to protect & because I was ultimately grateful for the knowledge of the affair. I am confident that life will give them what they deserve in due course. I feel the same way about my spouse, but I have chosen to stay & work through it. I don't know if my spouse would have opened up if I hadn't gotten a head start on info directly from the person. I knew in my bones that I needed to hear EVERYTHING no matter how painful. 3.5 months since revelation day & I haven't broken down so proud of myself.
Agree
I saw the first one accidentally in the airport. She walked over to my husband and I was shocked at what she looked like. Definitely made me feel better!!!
Yeah, I was driving near the AP’s place of work and the thought crossed my mind maybe I should pay him a visit. This was followed by a surprising surge of anger. For the last 20 years I had resisted a confrontation, for most of the reasons given in this video. I am generally controlled, and analytical, but in this moment I realised that it would not take much to trigger a violent response that I would later regret. He is simply not worth it. We managed to recover from their affair, and it is enough to be able to say the best man won.
If it werent for the affair partner i wouldnt have found out about the affair. My husband lied continuously and it wasnt til i showed the conversation between her and i to him did he admit to an affair. I took much of the information she gave me with a grain of salt.. but fact was she admitted she was sleeping with my husband. That was all i needed.
U did not argue of fight with her or tell her to bk off? I think this vid is more about that not getting into it with her... the AP came to me crying only because she was not getting wat she wanted from my husband. She thought she was the one 😪
Confronting the other woman helped me. Unfortunately, we were going to meet anyway so I beat her to it. she is irrelevant now.
What I have learned in life is never go to a therapist or counselor that has not personally dealt with the same problem . If you need counseling in any area of your life ask the person if they have dealt with this same problem in their own life ? If not leave the office and find someone else . They will counsel from a text book not real life experience.
Daddy hermanson BOOM!!!
Daddy hermanson You said It. They are clueless if they never faced this situation
Exactly! 💯
The bearded guy w/ the glasses, who does most of the videos has exactly experienced this same problem. I find him very comforting even as the "betrayed". Mine had an emotional affair w/ a girl half our age. She was supposed to be a friend of mine when he introduced her. He was still stealing time w/ her when I pitched her out of my house for her nasty little seduction games right in front of me. She chased him to church the last time, when he was supposed to be confessing the ordeal. If I had seen her in the first few months, it would have been ugly and went very badly for her. She's been reported to the church and thankfully, they did believe me that she was someone to look out for, as a homewrecker and occultist who told him outright she'd never become Christian. These days, I would just w/draw. I would want nothing to do w/ her. She used to call me and email often, back when I was useful to try and steal him away. I never heard from her one time after. It's enough to know she was never my friend and that she's a nasty person. It took a few months, but I could eventually pray for her w/out mayhem entering my mind.
What if your affair partner was a “friend” that was also in our wedding? There are just some lines you shouldn’t cross.
Same here! I never want to see her again! I got rid of everything she gave us An pics of her! She is a zero to me!
My heart goes to you, they wr in ur wedding.
There’s a unwritten guy code rule. When you know someone has a wife/girl and you dare to intervene you automatically labeled as a “homewrecker”. In my opinion, they need to be checked.
@@JohnnyJitsu11 A guy code rule against other men, as homewreckers? Can you explain?
Hell no
I was going to ask that also. They both make me sick, playing like they were just friends and that she was my friend as well. A rouse to be near him the dirty scum. It continues to this day 😮
I told my husbands af spouse. He divorced her. She now calls me a home wrecker. Imagine that, I’m the home wrecker??? Some people can take personal responsibility. Her ex husband is in a new loving relationship and VERY happy. I would do it all over again. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is at fault for the affair too but she was a friend.. so I thought
I’d do the same. Glad he divorced her. Mistresses are trifling. How’s your life now? Still with him?
You helped that man to find a new life and gave him the dignity and self respect he deserved. I applaud you 👏 I would have wanted someone to tell me, too.
She was projecting her own shame
What about the affair partner's wife who is in the dark and doesn't know her husband is hurting people? Doesnt she have the right to know the truth?
I am that wife. The other spouse didn't tell me for a year. He only told me after I asked him if something was going on.
I did confront AP. Her levels of lies, lack of self awareness was tragic.
I had a sincere sadness that my partner was duped, and she was clearly unwell.
For me, that aspect was healing.
A H me too and... I felt great. I let her know he never cared about her. He was just looking for sex. He dumped her a week before I found out. She fell in love and wanted out of her marriage and wanted to be with him so he dumped her. I do blame him but, letting her know she was a fool and used made me feel great. I also told her husband and now they are divorced. She called me a home wrecker. Imagine that... she’s delusional. Don’t get me wrong. I blame my husband for 95% of it but, I was so happy to let her know that I know everything and he used her
Patti Humiston I mostly felt really upset by the trail of destruction this girl/woman will inflict. She clearly does this maneuver a lot (going after taken/married men).
Healing is a process, but I feel clear now that I can work through this with my husband. Sending light to you and yours.
Wow so similar. I actually feel sorry for her too. She is in dire need of healing & self respect. She need Jesus!
I confronted the AP in Peace and Forgave in Peace as God told me to. Obeying God helps bring healing
I rang the AP at her at work, she was out on an appointment so I left a message with receptionist that Mrs ……… wanted to speak to her and she would know what it was about. Later that day I received a message via LinkedIn, she said that my husband and her were just friends and our separation was none of her business. I told her about dates and times they had spent the night together (I tracked our family car) I told her to have some self respect and stop chasing after married men. I told her I knew nothing about any ‘separation’ (that was a lie) and I would never give up on my marriage. I ended the message with ‘stay the hell away from my husband.’
It worked…. She thought he’d been lying to her about being separated and was terrified about what I might do to her. 😂
Well I did and made me fell very powerfull. I was in a position to do so, specially because he chose ME and not her and this without me begging him to come back. They got physical only after the discovery of their emotional affair and after we broke up. They met twice and that was.. I did in a very classy way. Wrote an email and sarcastically thanked her for bringing us back together. Told her that he beeing with her for just the short time made him realise how much he loved me and no one could fullfill him the way I do. She was very in love with him and was completely devastated and went nuts. I feelt just great! Ah.. and I told her husband as well. Not a bit of regret!
LOVE THIS! GOOD FOR YOU!
I made this mistake. I wish I had read this before I considered confronting the AP. I am not sure I would have listened, but I sure wish I had considered some of these before I made the mistake of contacting him. Points 4, 5, and 8 are spot on.
mvb819 I agree with you! Going through infidelity is something that I would never wish on anyone. I learned of multiple disclosures especially during very difficult times with my mother in and out of the hospital prior to her death. I was getting mixed signals nose from my wayward spouse. I guess also in the hopes deep down of working on our marriage. I had multiple sites that I was trying to get the most information that I could and I even thought that sharing that with him occasionally would help. However I learned afterwards that that was not a good idea because they need to want to do recovery work on their own and not with you pushing it. So in essence all that I was trying to do actually making things worse. This last time I found out again of this secretive coming back home from a business trip earlier than stated. I really had enough NF that time I confronted her. Probably again another wrong thing for me to do. She said that she slept with him every night, She also added that she knows so much about me that if she were to share she would embarrass me and then she added that she had no problem with her god. Looking back at it now I probably just pushed him more into her arms because of who she is. I called her a whore and I still believe that’s what she ... No matter what!
If a man knows a women is married and he starts playing on the spouses heart strings to me that man is a COWARD !!! And he really needs to feel the pain although Pysical that i felt when i found out !!!!!
…what would you do?
I agree with you if the betrayed didn't know the AP. But this AP knew we were married, my wife and I both know the AP, so they both stabbed me in the back. When you know the AP, personally, I think it is fine to confront them. I have nothing to prove, I just want to put this christian, boy scout leader in his place.
How is your marriage now
"They don't know your mate's motives anymore than you do."
Wow. That hit home. So true. Thank you.
And stroking the mate's ego, or pointing out a crush has developed that they might take advantage of if they haven't already.
Yes this struck a chord with me too.
That was some good advice because you make them still relevant in your spouse mind when bring them up.
Man!...I sure am glad I came across this on time!...there's nothing but pure clean, clear thinking sense to be had here...
I ended up realizing she was a good person, and I don't hate her
Shes didn't know?
My spouse's ap was a cousin who has been after my spouse since the age of 13. I really want to expose the ap to the family, but that would hurt my mate and me in the long run. If my spouse leaves me, then I definitely will expose them both to the family.
I contacted my wife's affair partner, and from his responses, I could make conclusion that he was the guy. I am quite sure my wife is not happy with his responses because he mentioned my wife was too old for him. I never mean to get ang real information from him and I knew he would like to lie. But still I got some useful information. I have a lot of pain that my wife still loves him much more than me. I decide to stay, at least temporally, to prevent them from being together.
Thanks for your advice. I will keep peace n focus on rebuilding my marriage.
Oops too late I wasn't aware of this video in time lol. I'm thankful for the existence of this channel.
My wife worked in the same large building as her affair partner. When it ended i told him you will do exactly as i say or i will tell your wife. They had different jobs in different parts of the building. I said you will not look or talk to my wife and if i see you in public (and i did 3 times) you will vacate the area immediately. His response was like a child that got caught. After 10 months i asked my wife if she ever speaks to him in her daily workings and she said yes, i would look awkward if we didn't. I walked up to his wife in public and said your husband is sleeping with my wife. She looked stunned and hurt. They divorced and i served him up some pain. Felt really good. He also liked to hit the pub after work so i hung out until he got into his car and called him in as a drunk driver and watched him get arrested. Hey a$$hole do you regret seducing my wife and creating a Limerent affair. You were just in it to sample her body while she was in Limerence.
Under no circumstances will I contact my husband's AP on my own. But I don't have to because her mother lives in the house next door and that's why the AP is here from time to time. My opportunity will come to clarify a few things with this woman, such as what role she really played in my husband's life and thereby mine; I know her from before, from the time before the affair, and therefore know exactly what a self-loving, self-pitying and financially opportunistic person she is - all the reasons why she approached my husband at a time in life when he was receptive to her pretend "weak, needy femininity". I know she gossiped around after the affair was over, so it will be my pleasure to pour some truths into hers, in a very gracious yet public way. I have patience, my time will come to put this woman in her place.
OK, may be I have a karmic one to tell...My ex husband's AP 'phoned our house and I answered. I told her that my husband was married and had a ten month old son and that she was contributing to the break up of our marriage. She tried to turn it around on me and said that I was the one in the marriage and therefore any break up was my responsibility.
My reply to that was:- 'Fine, you want him so much, you have him. BUT before you do. Just think on, if he is cheating on me, then there is every chance that he will cheat on you too, whenever he is fed up of whatever small inconvenience or boredom that he finds with you. But hey, if he is scuzzy enough to leave his marriage and ten month old son and you're no better, then you deserve one another'
Ex played hell that I had spoken to her. Within the month he had left us. And within two weeks of him leaving, she was on the 'phone begging me to take him back. I told her, thanks but no thanks, you chose him, you keep him. She was puzzled as to why I had taken the trouble to warn her off, but now I didn't want him back. So I said:- 'Sorry, did you both mistake me for a doormat? YOU wanted him, YOU had him. Why the hell would you think that I'd want someone back that not only cheated on me, but also made it very public knowledge by walking out on me? Do you seriously think that I have ANY chance of working this out with all of my friends, neighbours and family speculating whether I am keeping him happy or whether he is going to stray again? If I had little chance of making it work after an affair then it is pretty much zero now everyone knows about it. Besides which all it would do is signal to my ex and the rest of the world that I am some sort of walk over.'
She tried to coerce me to take him back by saying that he was harassing her and that she would report it to the police and that I somehow needed to take him back to stop her doing this. My reply was:- 'Not my relationship, not MY problem'
The harassment went through HR 🤦🏻♀️ a whole investigation… she was exposed by her own actions and lies. I wasn’t fighting over him, although I let him know that my peace was disturbed & will not allowed it.
Proverbs 4:7 That’s what this video shares WISDOM the principle thing.
Thanx. I will never confront him until he comes to me crying to admit. I feel a part of me just died.
Thank you for your advice which came at a perfect time for me.
Good luck to you. I found the video about 6 days too late. We've made great progress in our process of healing he has a new job now we found out psycho AP has been trying to get a job at the same place :-/.
Perfect time! I was planning to do this in the upcoming week.
Confrontation is the least of my ideas. I’m not trying to shame them I want to hobble him, and brand him with a hot iron scarlet A on his face.
Good advice ,but too late for me. I confronted the AP long ago. It didn't really help,but I was at a loss as to what to do at the time. I got a couple of digs on how old she looked for her age. I guess that was my little sense of satisfaction,but it was not my classiest moment,and ultimately, that is not what kind of person I am or want to be. Ultimately, it was my husband's poor and thoughtless decisions that got me there,and an unethical mess of a woman. Oh and binge drinking.
This was one of the BEST videos I’ve seen about this topic
Well not confronting her was not an option for me. I caught them in my house, in our bed. She tried to get my husband to make me leave my own house!!
How awful - I’m sorry.
I can only imagine what that must have been like for you. I’m so sorry you went through that. How are you doing now?
Omg! Wow! Good for you and your baby! You're a strong woman! Hugs from Sweden (betrayed wife) 🌹
I don't understand how I can possibly be expected to go forward through life and not confronting this individual. No consequences for his actions? How is that okay? How can that possibly be okay?
Rick, can you do a video on when there is a child produced out of the affair? I am on the verge of divorce because even though my husband desperately wants to save the marriage, he is insisting on having a personal relationship with the child beyond the financial obligations. This is something I can not and will not live with. I would never be able to move on ever from the betrayal & the fact that after 27 years of marriage this could happen & he is now a father to another child (we have 2 children )
and bonding with it, is just too severely devastating to me. It’s been 4 months since DDay & I cant take anymore. I am about to file for divorce. Please give me your thoughts and advice.💔
Hi @Decor Star - you can email info@hope-now.com with your questions and one of our intake advisors would be glad to point you to some resources.
Affair Recovery Thank you. I will
I am in the same situation as you just described. Would you be willing to talk? I am devastated.
@@dpkhygiene8880 I hope you guys connect. That has to be devastating to deal with. Best to you both!!
My wife fell pregnant by the AP and she chose to terminate the pregnancy. I had no part in the final decision but I can say that I would not have tolerated further and continuing involvement with the AP, at any level, had she chosen to see the pregnancy through to term. I would have divorced her.
Such excellent advise. Wish I would have heard this before I contacted my husband's AP. It was brief, but I still wish I wouldn't have shown her any credibility by calling her.
What if the AP confronts the betrayed? Constantly and in a way where theres no legal recourse (i checked)?
What if the AP keeps somehow "rubbing it in", delivering new information which your spouse "Didn't remember" and keeps denying - regardless of the bulletproof evidence delivered by the AP (if only to inflict pain and embarrassment).
What if the spouse, for years, keeps lying about all the new discoveries and then gets upset when called out for basically protecting her AP and sort of "choosing" him over the uncomfortable talk that is definitely needed?
What to do if the AP manages to frequently "remind" the betrayed of what a "slut" his wife is (yes, I'm quoting) while also claiming he is not interested in "being with her again, ever" while making it clear that he blames the betrayed for "ruining a good rhing". And the unfaithful constantly playing down or belittling the sheer terror this inflicts on the betrayed. Resetting the timeline of healing with every incident by actually blaming the betrayed "For listening/reading" and believing evidence (pictures, text messages or video) over her word, which she has shown too many times to be worthless and cannot be trusted. Going so far as to blaming the betrayed for receiving these unwanted contacts, even if the betrayed has involved law enforcement but was told, many times, that the AP is "too smart" to cross certain lines that would allow or warrant legal action, let alone civil action. (It's complicated but the AP uses technology to completely hide his tracks. Besides, making the evidence public would add too much shame and pain to me/the family and he uses this to further his cause, driving a wedge between me and my wife, and she cementing that wedge by continuing to deny, lie, avoid and gaslight)
Sometimes I feel that the unfaithful has no clue as to just how much damage they can still inflict after the fact, by just avoiding to come fully clean and thus taking away all the power the AP has.
F Z wow this has to be so painful Pretty sure for me if this happened I would end recovery
@@candacedumond3474 I always considered myself a "family man" and giving up never was an option for me, but yes, it has worn me down physically and mentally to the point where I'm ready to give up. After an 8 year nightmare to save or salvage what used to be my life for 30 years.
I still have not given up trying to understand. Understand why the years after I found out were worse than the finding out. The affair itself was anywhere from 6 to 12 months, the aftermath 8 years and counting. Admittedly, the first 4 years were based on so many lies and so much gaslighting that I seriously doubted even hard evidence the AP started sending me within weeks after I found out. Only after one particular evening I learned that I was in fact not crazy or paranoid when my wife laughingly admitted to maybe 10% of what I already knew. But it stopped me from completely going insane. But I still feel I'm crazy for still trying...
That sounds like a nightmare. Seek counseling, watch these videos,pray and seek guidance from family.
F Z so sorry to hear of your struggle brother. Nobody deserves this treatment but you deserve your dignity. I hope you have found a way to live that brings you peace, which is your absolute right. Wishing you strength brother.
@@TheSourKraut I'm so sorry that happened to you, any updates to how you are doing now?
Dude, you break it down so well...so logically!!
Almost sent a very long message to the AP's wife just this morning. I still have it typed up. Kinda glad I didn't send it, but then again I feel like his wife should know if she doesn't.
2 M's, 1 C I know right? Basically their screw ups make us co-conspirators since they want us to keep their secrets. Just another of the many ways they inflict damage.
The AP's wife should know...
If I was the wife, I would want to know. She has the right to make informed choices about her life. You have the power to let her.
I reached out to the AP spouse. Best decision I did.
My husband has been involved with his Exec Assistant at work and has been ongoing for 2 yrs. Husband has not apologized to me, has left the marriage and has made no attempt to address my grief, my pain or concern for my healing.
So I tell his Board that his is happening? Get them both fired?
How are you now Leila? Hope you are okay.
Goodness I'm glad I saw this before I did what I was getting ready to do she's not worth it
What if the affair partner was the one to reach out to me and that's how I found out?
After several years and my wife still in touch with her AP l followed her to work and she was stopped in layby talking to him. Confronting him was the best thing ever. It was a short exchange now l have clarity, AND it draws a line under it. I told him to f' off, leave us alone. He got nasty, swore at me something my wife had never seen. Afterwards, l saw her at work and told her what a nasty person he was. No wonder he has so few friends. She went quiet. I said she's welcome to him, good luck. She messaged me saying how sorry she was, she was never going leave me and she'll block him etc... The best thing is l'm still angry. Anger is a brilliant way of protecting your feelings. I should have confronted him years back.
thank you for this video, it just saved another man life!
What if you confront the affair persons spouse and ghost the affair partner?
Dave Y I have that situation too and the spouse is family member...do I expose?
Candace Dumond I would
I would have to say yes
I often wonder if I should confront the AP’s spouse. It doesn’t seem right that they do not know. Ghosting the AP is probably the right thing to do, but I keep thinking why does this person have no consequences while my family has suffered many?
I would never suggest to notify the AP spouse. That spouse is a victim and you just put the spouse in a depression and negative results could occur.
Dang Rick, wish this was posted yesterday.
This is so helpful!
1 year pdday and my goodness this has been so hard.. AP keeps hitting up my spouse, shes blocked on everything and gets burner accounts and friend accounts- even went as far as to pretend to be a recommended job through an old co worker and when he went to the interview it was her!!!! It has been a nightmare i dont knkw how we can shake her :'[
When there is a serious relationship or commitment, I think it's right and proper to confront the ap harshly and make him suffer the necessary consequences and inform the people around him. If the affair involves people within a marriage, in my opinion there is an aggravating circumstance, that I don't say should be washed away with blood, (a long time ago it was instead permitted by jurisprudence), but at least a scorched earth must be made around the treacherous subjects and accomplices.
Interesting you brought up sexual harassment.
My husband, who “didn’t cheat” was scared of “rumors starting” at work if I asked the AF about it, or catching a harassment case there.
Of course if he didn’t cheat, that wouldn’t cross his mind. It wouldn’t be an issue to fear.
True eve my husband is afraid when I found out that I will report them to their office and do something serious on both of them.. Till now my husband is protecting his mistress by not working in same branch but I knew that they're continually having an affair. And I an feel that and saw all evidences
I agree with the message from Affair Recovery about ghosting the ap. The trouble is that the ap could be lying to my spouse even
Telling him lies that I was contacting her even though I have been ghosting her.
I confronted my partners affair partner but she already knew about me and our kids. She does not care. So, it was a waste of time. I do wish I wouldn't have treated her as a variable In our relationship. I think I was hoping she was a decent human that had no idea about our family and I wanted to inform her. I do regret confronting her.
My wife and I have watched many of your videos... They are very helpful, we appreciate you guys a lot. Thank you.
Very helpful. Excellent advice.
I am a military spouse whose service member is deployed. Because I was so upset, I never looked to not make this mistake but did. I was so emotionally comprised when I found out and wanted to make a point to keep all communication professional and not personal. But this was after asking my partner to stop close contact with them. Now...I am a bit afraid that the person contacted them about my speaking with them in which may resulted in back and forth. It may have also upset my partner hence lack of response from emails sent over the past few hours. I'm not sure what to do at this point but wait. I'm just really nervous about this whole thing because I really want to save my marriage.
How is your marriage now? Did confronting the other woman help the situation. I'm in the same situation only havnt confronted other woman yet.
What if they keep trying to come back even after many attempts of blocking her. She found a way to come back into our lives after us really being happy and recovering his affair but she found a way. What next? She keeps trying.
I have experienced this situation also.
These stories never end well. Not once have I been told of a betrayed partner contacting an affair partner and creating anything other than further pain and damage. So why do betrayed partners do this, even when they know they are diving into a deep puddle of muck and dragging others in with them? What motivates this harmful behavior?
I think they're extremely confused by the news of the affair, enjoying what they thought was a good relationship to betrayal, and because their partner won't give them any answers, the confusion and pain sends them to the AP. I also think there's a bit of morbid curiosity that the betrayed feels towards the AP, like what do they have that I don't kinda thing.
So my ex wife and her family is justified to cut me out of their lives because that way my shame will cause me to be better? My shame has caused me to do so many things in the opposite direction which has in turn ruined any chance i had of getting back together with my betrayed spouse.
This is really good Rick. I did it and in retrospect I agree 100% that there is no value at all in confronting the AP. They may really be crazy!
Recovered And grateful spouse, 2+ years, no longer counting months
I agree don't confront them. The AP is insignificant and will lie in most cases any how.
This helped. Thank you.
What about if there is a child
She told me he wanted to talk to me and I told her I had nothing to talk to him about.
The AP was being used
I told her “don’t ever text my husband again” that messed her up. Threatened me saying I was harassing her but she doesn’t have the guts to get outed because she tried to mess with every married man at church. I didn’t know what total trash she was but many people did and kept quiet about it. She’s gone from there, we are gone from there but not far enough yet. Then there are the women at church that think she didn’t mess with their husbands. They are afraid of the truth. Church is the most dangerous place in American because people think they are safe there. They aren’t.
What to do when she's had his baby?
Perfect advice👍
Yeah, my husband's AP knew very well he was married with kids. And he paid for a whole trip, all her costs! What does that make her? I have several words. Yes, I'd like to confront her. I do have a few words to say to her.
My husband’s AP didn’t know he was married. Though, I kind of question whether that’s true now. I know he never told her, but it wouldn’t be that hard to find out. Anyways, I thought since she supposedly didn’t know, she would be honest and open with me. Boy that backfired big. She lied about so much, and said and sent pictures of stuff just to hurt me. I wish I would have watched this first. Infidelity really sucks.
Ghost them 💜
i contacted my wife's
Dont think this applies to every circumstance,. My wifes ap was my friend and the relationship was a long duration , I went nuclear, told everyone in his family i coyld friends mutual and not , got him suspended from his profession for ethics violations. He ran scared and sold everything and is in hiding from me. I discovered and revealed to everyone we knew several other affairs he has had a hat his wife , also my friend knew of and kept hidden. There was nothing to be gained from being silent and ghosting him, the only satisfaction and good feelings came from successful destruction of his life
I am so sorry for the immense pain this creep caused you, it is a pain that I know well. You did good. May you find a tremendous woman who will honor you and adore you the way you deserve.