Yup then they go off and keeeep doing the wrong and flip tables on you as if they the victim because you wont take the crap anymore. Then just blame blame and blame you more
But this becomes an extortionary situation when it's the wife, and she has the ability to completely destroy the husband in divorce and family court. She's literally incentivized to destroy the relationship. There ARE no consequences for her continued bad behavior. It's absolutely infuriating.
Wow, I truly needed this today. Thank you so much Samuel for all you do. Most days you’re words are what give me hope. I haven’t made a final decision yet (it’s complicated).. but the pain and devastation I’m feeling from the betrayal is overwhelming. It’s been 3 1/2 months. 27 year marriage. 2 kids. Where can I email you? I need some advice desperately.. 💔
What if you ask for a separation and they refuse to leave? In fact they never sleep in bed but now after you draw a boundary they now demand they sleep in their bed and ignore you asking them to leave.
there does come a time when that needs to happen. here are a couple helpful books as well: there are some great books on boundaries as well that can help. you'll find a couple here: www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=boundaries&qid=1566397633&s=gateway&sr=8-3 and if it's a sex addiction case, then you'll want to consider this book: www.amazon.com/Moving-Beyond-Betrayal-Boundary-Solution/dp/1942094140/ref=sr_1_1?
My fiancé left me for another woman but broke up with me 2 weeks before he started seeing her and staying the night with her. For 2 weeks I would watch him pack his over night bag and leave our home to be with her. It was traumatizing. I didn’t say anything at first because I didn’t know who he was being with but when I found out it was a few day before he got his own place. He doesn’t consider this cheating but I feel it is because that fact this woman was the bartender that I knew was trying to pursue him for a year but I never thought in a million years that he would go there because she was taller than him and in by no means attractive what so ever. He realized that he made the biggest mistake of his life and we are now working on reconciling and he has changed a lot in the past 3 months and actually we both have but he doesn’t think this was cheating/unfaithful so these videos don’t apply to him. I beg to differ. What are your thoughts.... I would love your input please!
you'll probably need to consult a third party that can help him see that it is in fact, cheating. he won't hear it from you as he doesn't want to feel the shame and guilt. if he won't hear it from you, the best next step is an expert third party.
My spouse won’t watch videos cuz he said all they do is call him a piece of 💩. Won’t make any effect unless I threaten with divorce. D day was 2 years ago in November and no further to healing then day one. I have been in therapy for a year and he now is blaming me for his affairs. I keep falling for his promises that never happen. How do you actually say it’s done. And him actually understand ?
I wish seen this a couple years ago. I tried setting up boundaries with my ex gf but she would always give me some sob story or guilt trip me into letting my guard down. At 1 point she was going through withdrawals from a week of partying and pill popping nonstop. The next it’s some “unresolved issues with her mom” and flying out to see her. She was only using this as a ploy to go see her affair partner. Then it was her losing her job. Drama with her dad. It was always something and as soon as she got the attention and affection she needed from me she’s off messing around again. Anytime I tried to tell her how much she was hurting me or how disrespected and unloved she made me feel she couldn’t care any less. All she ever did was minimize my trauma and her infidelity or be completely dismissive because we were no longer together. She would constantly ghost me, stonewall, threaten self harm or verbally explode at me anytime she wanted to create distance. I’m not making any excuses but after awhile I just gave up and gave in to her tactics. I became really short tempered and just as explosive as her. I would even threaten to cut her out my life or ask her to do the same. Clearly she knew I wouldn’t so she would just pop back up when the need arise. Needless to say she now with someone new and strung me along until things were solidified on her end. She never intended to do any recovery. I was too pathetic to actually follow through and trust my gut instinct so I allowed us both to torture me for nearly another year and half.
same exact story of pain and torture I have been put through. sorry to say but it's bc she is most likely a covert narcissists just like i had to find out about my wife. bc they say and do and act the exact same way as if they were following a guide book and we just couldn't ever suspect someone being capable of such horrific treatment especially our wives or girlfriend's able to be that cruel. and is also why you will keep doubting it but won't be able to discard the facts once you see and hear it. good luck man.
What about when the betrayed just doesn't respect you at all and just because they feel within their right to do so, because I messed up where do you draw the line as an unfaithful to get just torned apart and not respected at all for all my wrong doings.
What do you do when your spouse is living with the emotional affair partner because you told him to leave. Now he says he wants to come home but can't face you because of his guilt? He says he doesn't want a divorce but can't come home because of shame and guilt. We can't afford for him to get his own apartment.
i would get expert help, consider allowing him to come home with significant boundaries. like, 1. counseling is a must 2. a course online with us is a must. 3. accountability group for him is a must. 4. total disclosure about what is going on in his life with him and any other affair partners etc. 5. no further contact whatsoever with the affair partner.
He denies, he won't leave, Respect? all I hear is crickets.....No His spin is that I distanced myself. Well yes affair after affair that he denies including Interpol looking for his "wife" that has disappeared. All the while married to me first. Why is he still here? the money my second inheritance. He actually thinks I will share.He has no heart, no morals. and yes I am stuck right now. I still distance myself to save me.
You need to do a video on how to survive when someone has lied bout them having sex when your were separated and you get back together then they have an affair a few years later but are still lying about the first . This are separate deceits and are devastating. There nothing to help these people.
I’m having this issue too. We had broken up for not even 24 hours and he invited her over to my house and claims he cannot remember the hookup. I didn’t find out until over a year later and we now have a child and are married. He is angry at me for the way I found out which was going back into old phone records and seeing calls to a number at 10pm then another 1 minute call at 12:30am. I looked up the number and found her name and she was a girl he had talked to prior to dating me. Everything Samuel says I have tried. I told him if he doesn’t do A, B, C then I’m gone. And he tells me that he’s sorry but he’s going to be honest that if I’m looking for him to beg he isn’t going to do it. He says if I want to leave I can go. So it’s basically hopeless for me. How are things for you now? I’m terrified that he will cheat on me now that I know he clearly has no boundaries and no self control once he is drunk. I can never trust him to be drunk and alone again.
yes, i do believe in it. we've talked about it on the site as well and here is a link for it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/limerence-infatuation-how-works
sometimes.....if they are being honest and upfront, it does happen. sometimes and often times they are doing it for other reasons which are problematic of course and can be alarming. it is on a case by cases basis.
Yup then they go off and keeeep doing the wrong and flip tables on you as if they the victim because you wont take the crap anymore. Then just blame blame and blame you more
Yes. What I'm going through now 😢
But this becomes an extortionary situation when it's the wife, and she has the ability to completely destroy the husband in divorce and family court.
She's literally incentivized to destroy the relationship. There ARE no consequences for her continued bad behavior. It's absolutely infuriating.
One of your best blogs/video. There can't be Love without respect
thank you sir for the comment.
Amen! It was hard and I had to move on. He showed me no respect. I’m not even a person after 30 years.
Wow, I truly needed this today. Thank you so much Samuel for all you do. Most days you’re words are what give me hope. I haven’t made a final decision yet (it’s complicated).. but the pain and devastation I’m feeling from the betrayal is overwhelming. It’s been 3 1/2 months. 27 year marriage. 2 kids. Where can I email you? I need some advice desperately.. 💔
Sorry I have been married for 22 years.i know this is hard
You must’ve been reading my mind. This is exactly where I’m at. 😤
so glad i could be current for you. i'm sorry for the pain.
Thank you for a wonderful video. The information is powerful and said with compassion, from someone who knows.
What if you ask for a separation and they refuse to leave? In fact they never sleep in bed but now after you draw a boundary they now demand they sleep in their bed and ignore you asking them to leave.
Needed to hear this today. I'm having a hard time setting and enforcing my boundaries. Consequences need to be real and felt.
there does come a time when that needs to happen. here are a couple helpful books as well: there are some great books on boundaries as well that can help. you'll find a couple here: www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=boundaries&qid=1566397633&s=gateway&sr=8-3 and if it's a sex addiction case, then you'll want to consider this book: www.amazon.com/Moving-Beyond-Betrayal-Boundary-Solution/dp/1942094140/ref=sr_1_1?
I am so glad I found your videos you have answered so many questions I have had
Excellent video, Samuel. Thank you.
Thanks for the advice i am currently doing this with my spouse after his emotional affair
Excellent! Thank you!
My fiancé left me for another woman but broke up with me 2 weeks before he started seeing her and staying the night with her. For 2 weeks I would watch him pack his over night bag and leave our home to be with her. It was traumatizing. I didn’t say anything at first because I didn’t know who he was being with but when I found out it was a few day before he got his own place. He doesn’t consider this cheating but I feel it is because that fact this woman was the bartender that I knew was trying to pursue him for a year but I never thought in a million years that he would go there because she was taller than him and in by no means attractive what so ever. He realized that he made the biggest mistake of his life and we are now working on reconciling and he has changed a lot in the past 3 months and actually we both have but he doesn’t think this was cheating/unfaithful so these videos don’t apply to him. I beg to differ. What are your thoughts.... I would love your input please!
you'll probably need to consult a third party that can help him see that it is in fact, cheating. he won't hear it from you as he doesn't want to feel the shame and guilt. if he won't hear it from you, the best next step is an expert third party.
The answer to this question is simple and absolute...
leave
I'm reminded of Dr Henry Cloud's book, Boundires. I recommend that people read it.
I NEEDED to hear this right now. Thankkkkk you.
My spouse won’t watch videos cuz he said all they do is call him a piece of 💩. Won’t make any effect unless I threaten with divorce. D day was 2 years ago in November and no further to healing then day one. I have been in therapy for a year and he now is blaming me for his affairs.
I keep falling for his promises that never happen. How do you actually say it’s done. And him actually understand ?
But when does it become control rather than respect..
I wish seen this a couple years ago. I tried setting up boundaries with my ex gf but she would always give me some sob story or guilt trip me into letting my guard down. At 1 point she was going through withdrawals from a week of partying and pill popping nonstop. The next it’s some “unresolved issues with her mom” and flying out to see her. She was only using this as a ploy to go see her affair partner. Then it was her losing her job. Drama with her dad. It was always something and as soon as she got the attention and affection she needed from me she’s off messing around again. Anytime I tried to tell her how much she was hurting me or how disrespected and unloved she made me feel she couldn’t care any less. All she ever did was minimize my trauma and her infidelity or be completely dismissive because we were no longer together. She would constantly ghost me, stonewall, threaten self harm or verbally explode at me anytime she wanted to create distance. I’m not making any excuses but after awhile I just gave up and gave in to her tactics. I became really short tempered and just as explosive as her. I would even threaten to cut her out my life or ask her to do the same. Clearly she knew I wouldn’t so she would just pop back up when the need arise. Needless to say she now with someone new and strung me along until things were solidified on her end. She never intended to do any recovery. I was too pathetic to actually follow through and trust my gut instinct so I allowed us both to torture me for nearly another year and half.
same exact story of pain and torture I have been put through. sorry to say but it's bc she is most likely a covert narcissists just like i had to find out about my wife. bc they say and do and act the exact same way as if they were following a guide book and we just couldn't ever suspect someone being capable of such horrific treatment especially our wives or girlfriend's able to be that cruel. and is also why you will keep doubting it but won't be able to discard the facts once you see and hear it. good luck man.
What about when the betrayed just doesn't respect you at all and just because they feel within their right to do so, because I messed up where do you draw the line
as an unfaithful to get just torned apart and not respected at all for all my wrong doings.
expert help my friend. you'll need/want a third party to mediate and help guide you through the process.
Thank you so much Samuel😘
What do you do when your spouse is living with the emotional affair partner because you told him to leave. Now he says he wants to come home but can't face you because of his guilt? He says he doesn't want a divorce but can't come home because of shame and guilt. We can't afford for him to get his own apartment.
i would get expert help, consider allowing him to come home with significant boundaries. like, 1. counseling is a must 2. a course online with us is a must. 3. accountability group for him is a must. 4. total disclosure about what is going on in his life with him and any other affair partners etc. 5. no further contact whatsoever with the affair partner.
Excellent. Sounds like I need to see some boundaries and have those weekly meetings you talk about.
Omg you are awesome!!!
always feels great to hear that. thank you. just trying to help.
He denies, he won't leave, Respect? all I hear is crickets.....No His spin is that I distanced myself. Well yes affair after affair that he denies including Interpol looking for his "wife" that has disappeared. All the while married to me first. Why is he still here? the money my second inheritance. He actually thinks I will share.He has no heart, no morals. and yes I am stuck right now. I still distance myself to save me.
Do you offer advice/resources for creating boundaries?
I absolutely love this. Thank you.
my pleasure. thanks for watching and commenting.
Where can we email you?
you can email the org at info@hope-now.com and ask them to send it to me. i am not able to read long email fyi
What happens when the betrayer blames his drug addiction? Not him.......the drugs made him do it?
he's still responsible for his actions and their affect upon you. it's vital he get expert care but also vital he owns his choices and addiction.
@@samshealingpodcast Thankyou for your reply. He is getting help......BUT still not owning it
You need to do a video on how to survive when someone has lied bout them having sex when your were separated and you get back together then they have an affair a few years later but are still lying about the first . This are separate deceits and are devastating. There nothing to help these people.
I’m having this issue too. We had broken up for not even 24 hours and he invited her over to my house and claims he cannot remember the hookup. I didn’t find out until over a year later and we now have a child and are married. He is angry at me for the way I found out which was going back into old phone records and seeing calls to a number at 10pm then another 1 minute call at 12:30am. I looked up the number and found her name and she was a girl he had talked to prior to dating me. Everything Samuel says I have tried. I told him if he doesn’t do A, B, C then I’m gone. And he tells me that he’s sorry but he’s going to be honest that if I’m looking for him to beg he isn’t going to do it. He says if I want to leave I can go. So it’s basically hopeless for me. How are things for you now? I’m terrified that he will cheat on me now that I know he clearly has no boundaries and no self control once he is drunk. I can never trust him to be drunk and alone again.
Hi sam, this is off topic.
Do you believe in limerence?
Do you think you were under limerence when you had an affair?
yes, i do believe in it. we've talked about it on the site as well and here is a link for it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/limerence-infatuation-how-works
Is it normal/acceptable for the unfaithful to get overwhelmed with the process and be the one to request time apart?
sometimes.....if they are being honest and upfront, it does happen. sometimes and often times they are doing it for other reasons which are problematic of course and can be alarming. it is on a case by cases basis.