Surviving Infidelity: Are You Choosing Your Spouse or Just Needing Them?
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- Опубликовано: 2 мар 2020
- Today Samuel shares insight behind the need to choose your spouse.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
He continued to tell me he loved his affair partner. Even when the physical involvement stopped, contact continued for years - more because he wanted and needed it (addiction). She had started to move on. When she was done with him, he wanted me to understand that he was "addicted". He had no moments of clarity. He never gave me a heartfelt apology. He just realized that I had picked up so much slack and so many family responsibilities, he still wanted me to perform them. It was not really his "choosing to be with me". The affair partner shut him down. Then, all of a sudden he wanted to integrate back into my life. I've bided my time, waited until our children had grown and now I am leaving. He did not do ANY work to help himself or help me to heal. He is so disingenuous I feel I have absolutely no more connection with this selfish, self centered and manipulative person. DONE!!!
We're not even close to "recovery", but this question is so pertinent. I hope we can get to the point where we can be honest with each other and answer this question. It was difficult to hear you comment about realizing Samantha's value as being young enough to remarry, etc. My heart sank when I thought of my reality. People say I don't look my age, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm 62. It's difficult to imagine starting over at this age. This question won't be able to be faced honestly unless we find help for our marriage. Thanks for these videos. They give me a glimmer of hope for some sort of resolution.
I have been following y’all since the first infidelity. You articulated what I’ve been trying to express since the biggest infidelity in September. I would love if we could have a reunion of couples who’ve watched this and learned. For better or worse.
10:05 respect the warfare, there was a time you chose someone else. That definitely hits him hard and I like that comeback.
This is what I need today. I'm getting the papers today. She's not putting in the work. Today was the final straw.
What happened when she was served? Just curious...
Raven, not putting in the repair work is a big red flag of an uncaring partner. Period.
Thank you for these videos Samuel. These videos have helped me more than any other help outlets.
so glad. thank you for watching and sharing.
@@samshealingpodcast I would love if you could reach out to me. My marriage needs your help.
Each of us does get to choose for ourselves. No one needs to give us permission. And I do believe each of us deserves to be chosen, loved and adored. Maybe I'm just a romantic, but I believe that.
Four months from DDay, and the content of this video has been at the crux of nearly every argument. My wife's last day of work (she works across the hall from her AP and has continued the affair at least up to last week) is this Friday. She has actually talked about quitting several times in the past four months, but every time I spent days asking myself why she was quitting and weather she would come to resent me for having to leave a good job and then use that as fuel for yet another affair. Her motivation never seemed to come from a heart that was choosing me. I hope it does this time.
These videos have been a TREMENDOUS help over the last four months. I actually landed on Affair Recovery just a few days past my first DDay and I honestly don't know how I would have gotten to where I am without this guidance. There are so so many pitfalls (and more to come, I'm sure) that I was able to understand at least on a surface level because of the insight in this channel.
My wife and I have years left to building a new marriage. Four months of vacillating will do that. We'll be watching these videos as long as you keep making them.
thank you for the kind words my friend. they mean more than you know and i'm honored to be some sort of support and friend to you.
Patrick Strasser, I feel your pain... my D Day was 7 months ago today. I too have found extreme solace in these videos... especially ones done by Samuel.
Choosing to stay and work it out is by far the hardest work I have ever done. More grief than when losing my parents.
I wish you all the luck in the world!
@@tracygraham4110 how's it going so far?
It's been a few yrs. How are you?
I just found out last night my fiancé was cheating with another man. It’s all still raw but I’m hoping to take something meaningful from this video to help me process it all.
😔I'm so sorry...
I’m so sorry about it. You’re not married yet, so maybe it’s not too late to dodge that bullet.
I so appreciate your insight and the videos; they have been helpful in my healing. This particular video was a conversation I had with my unfaithful husband this week and it helped re-enforce our discussion. Thank you for your help.
This has kept me stuck for years, I need him to “choose me” and he’s not. Ughh...
i'm very sorry. maybe it's time to choose yourself and move forward with a plan surrounding that idea and theme?
@@samshealingpodcast so that's ok??? To choose yourself and move forward...for whatever reason that equates divorce and move on👀🤦🏾♀️
@@milliegoins hi there. i don't know if it means divorce, but it may mean a change to the dynamic of the marriage. it may mean a change to the approach you're taking and it may absolutely mean you prioritizing your own healing and your own self care.
Samuel is right....plan another theme for your life. A satisfying theme, a healthy theme with someone who deserves your 💕.
Wow! This is very eye opening. Definitely things to think about.
Wow so hits home!!!! Question I have been asking a while now.
Great insight. Am I letting the financial and social restraints make the decision for me? If those restraints were gone would I make the same decision? No. I wouldn’t.
Jack ..you are so right. I thought I needed him because I agreed with him when he wanted me at home, to raise children, to nurture him. I had a master's degree, which he never respected. I let the "financial fear" as well as the fear I would never meet another partner hold me back. Big, big mistake.
I absolutely needed this. Thank you.
Thank you so much for all your videos. God bless you and your family.
I've been struggling with this question lately. We've been together over seven years, and his affair was August of 2019. As our wedding date approaches, I keep wondering if I'm only staying because of our history, and to avoid the nuclear bomb that would go off once his affair came to light. In order to reconcile, we decided not to tell friends or family to avoid extra negativity. While reconciliation is going well, and he's doing everything "right", it's getting increasing difficult being the only one to know the pain he's caused me.
To anyone else in my shoes who are farther along into reconciliation, how did you deal with the realization that healing would be easier if the source of your pain was no longer in your life? I think I choose him, but knowing I could heal more easily without him makes leaving very tempting.
Wow. I was cheated on after 17yrs of marriage and being together for 20 yrs. If I had a crystal ball and knew that was in my future before we walked down the aisle, there's no way I would have married him. I would strongly suggest you move the wedding date until you are sure you can deal with being betrayed. I now know it would be easier to just leave him. We are 3 years, thousands of hours of counselling, books, courses and videos later and I could absolutely do better. We have kids though and here I am watching videos at 3am because I can't sleep.
I see this was years ago, so your wedding happened or it didn't. For your sake, I hope it didn't until you were really sure. I'm only w/ mine 4 months after reveal because of 9 years of history. After a few months of him making every excuse to still see her, I wanted him gone. He finally stopped out of fear of losing me finally. In the early months I thought if I left him then I'd have a clean slate w/ a non cheater (when I was ready). I've realized lately, whether it's w/ him, which is harder since he did it, or w/ another, I still have to deal w/ this fear of betrayal.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 same
Perfect timing. Hopeful he'll watch this. I need to see the work to show he wants me
thank you for affirming the timing of it. means so much.
Talking with my wife the other day she said she wonders if I am staying with her because I'm afraid of being alone or if I really want to repair our marriage. My response was I think both of us wonder why the other is staying
Thank you!!!! Always amazing and spot on
you're too kind. i wish i was 'always' amazing, but your compliment means a ton. thanks for watching and commenting.
The ball really is in her court about the divorce.But I do have a decision to make myself.Something I'm going back & forth with.
What is that? Help some of us understand both sides of the situation.
I'm feeling like this is more referring to the fact that both parties need to do their own work and make their own decisions regarding staying or going. We can't control the choices they make and make them do the recovery work if they don't want to, and can't make them stay if they want to go or are still ambivalent. What we can do is make our own choices based on boundaries and communication. Any overstepping of boundaries set or lack of communication by the unwilling partner will lead us to decisions, albeit hard and emotional decisions, that must allow for our own recovery, healing, and futures. Maybe I am completely off base, but this is what I am understanding after being almost a year from my own D-Day later this month.
why is the ball in her court? he cheated on me, does that mean the ball is in my court? I don't know what I choose, he wants a divorce and says he can't see a future with me. I guess we had different wedding vows 17 years ago.
He needed a cleaner, cook, sex doll and babysitter for his kids. He only fought to stay with me after I found out because he knew he would lose those things! He could have switched me out for any other woman willing to do those things. His affair partner wasn't as naive/codependent as me, which was the only reason he didn't want to be with her full time. After I finally left he found a different woman to move in and STILL continued seeing the original one!
I am so sorry this was the course of your relationship, because I suffered this too. He tried to make me into a person HE thought I should be. Immature, a coward.
Really helpful, thank you!
I am 35 yo, we have been together the past 20 years. We had 3 break ups as we were in highschool, the longest 3 months but got every time back together. I think that means that we belong together and are madd for eachother. Our relationship was a not healthy one for the lasts few months. We were always together and had no friends. We didn't get the canche to miss eachother. He flirted with a colleague who had broken up with the father of her 2 small kids in summer. And now he is saying he doesn't know what to choose. He is torn up, says he loves me and know that he always will, but has some feelings. Also says that the collegue is a symptom and if it weren't her, it would have been somebody else. He doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know if he can ignore the fact that another person appeared in the picture. He doesn't have a relationship with her but they did get one time (i believe) physical. I'm torn apart and can't get why he would sacrifice 20 beautiful years for an affair at his job.....
How did it go?
I want to do the work and I am trying with the funds we have but maintaining two houses now is breaking me and I can’t afford the programs. We have done everything you offer that’s free and appreciate it. Thank you. Just not getting anywhere. Sincerely, Mark
I don’t know if I need them or choosing them, same goes for her.
I gave him the option to leave or stay he chose to stay only been a month and we are getting closer than before.... If he left I would have survived one way or another our son is in his twenty I would not stay if we didn't still love each other
I want to send this to him so bad, but I'm worried he's just gonna be like "I need you, dont wanna be with you."
This is tough because usually it happens when you have a family, house , and are tided together. It’s tough and hard to chose your partner again after knowing what they are capable of, i think it’s 80 percent life situation 20 percent is actually wanting to be with them truely because of the love. I don’t see any unmarried, no children couple battling it out after an affair. when you’re in a mature relationship it focuses you to go thru the recovery work. It’s awful and painful and honestly i don’t see the relationship ever being sewn back together. affair recovery is logistics.
sorry, but for those that read this, it's not true. i see more couples than you can count who do not have kids, STILL try and save their marriage. that may be your experience and I respect that, but it's not the total experience of those without kids.
@@samshealingpodcast I am one of them.
This is not true. We've been together 10 years, have a great loving relationship, not married, no kids. We just love eachother and he majorly f'd up and is doing everything to get me back and work on things. Love is enough.
"i want to see my kids." lol. "i choose to see my kids."
This was eye opening
Definitely something to ask
What if the unfaithful genuinely does not want to be with the betrayed and is only staying because they feel like they have no other choice (due to finances, kids, reputation, etc)? What then? What is best?
infidelity is abuse.
The thing is, he says he chooses me. But he's still great friends with them. He is going to talk to them because "he won't be controlled".
Not ok. I hope you left him if he's still torturing you w/ contact them the ap. That's the worst. I went through it a few months where he made excuses for contact here and there.
Do you have a video on how to handle things if the unfaithful is still lying & in contact w the other person after taking them back & starting fresh? That would be very helpful. Tfs. I learn a lot.
I need that too.
Yep, me too. I suffered 8 more years of lying that I didn't know about until it all came out like vomit. I am so done...disgusted.
i don't know why i'm watching this, he wants a divorce and it really doesn't look good, The Lord is in control though, but it's rough, he keeps pushing for divorce
I hope you gave him a divorce. Easier said than done though. Mine doesn't want to break up, but there's too many signs he's going to keep all the extra curriculars. He went twice in a day where he met his affair, then I walked up on him w/ porn. Porn was the first issue from years ago. No real signs of anything but what I've had. So even if they say they want to stay, it's hard enough if you're not enough.
First off to say, I choose my wife. I am a recovering Porn addict. In September, 2 days before 13th anniversary, she told me she doesn't love me. In October I confessed my porn addiction. I am in recovering by doing one thing. What kept me addicted is one thing. I would go to bed without sex and I kept a fictional woman on my mind in fantasy. So I changed the way I think when I go to sleep. I got into the habit thinking about her and able to go to sleep. Thank you Jesus, it's been incredible in success. So I am wondering, when is it ok to ask to sleep with her? Not for sex. I just want to be present.
i think that's a conversation to have with her when she feels safe enough to do it my friend. i would make sure she feels safe and she feels ok with it.
This comment was helpful for my. I’m a betrayed and my husband had sex and porn addiction for the entire 5 years we were married. I was so heartbroken when I found out after the birth of our 2nd child this year. He has been with 15-20 different women during the course of our marriage. Honestly without the kids I would have left him. I’m only staying because i need his support to take care of the kids (I tried leaving but it didn’t work out because I realized how hard it would be to do it all by myself). I’m going back to him next month and I’m trying so hard to not hate him especially I don’t want the kids to sense somethings not right in our house. He’s caused me so much hurt and pain and it’s so hard for me to come from a position of understanding to him when he didn’t think about how his actions would hurt me or our family. He’s getting treatment and he’s supporting me more and better. He used to complain about the same thing you did about not getting enough sex but failed to understand that I was working and taking care of kids and house. His unrealistic expectation of me to be ready for sex at the drop of a dime was what fueled our divide. I tried to give him sex when I could but many times I was tired from handling many things by myself. I think now he understands his mindset was not right and he’s changing himself the same way you are. For me, I’m not ready to cave and love him the same way as before because he just turned into this new person, so we have some time to see if it’s going to work out. Anyway. I hope things are good with your recovery and you were able to win your wife’s heart back
So good
The unfaithful learn to love us quick and fast when they gonna lose everything especially when they can’t drive and on SSDI. When I’m the bread maker and a business owner.
She found out he was still married and he came home 4 days later. He was distant for a few weeks then he blocked her and told me he loved me and made a mistake. I'm always thinking he only came home (after 26 years of marriage and the Ow was 29) because she went back to her boyfriend so I was the booby prize. It's been 2 years and he has been great. But there still are the occasional lies on each other's pages a year ago. This year he is so different. He actually hates her and I now he's so in love with me. We even renewed our vows this year. Should I just let the past two years go and just move forward. If he chose me because he was just used to me, at least he's here. Our relationship is better than ever, but it's still hard to accept. Need your advice.
Hopefully your husband filled in the blanks for you. He obviously realized what he could have lost and still loves you.
how are you guys now
Do you think he was going through a Midlife Crisis? Many times those affairs are rooted in infatuation and disillusionment. Finally something happens that is like a cold glass of water in the face and they wake and realize what they have to lose and the fact that the OW or man is just not into them or where they are in life.
Thank u so much
Both is the answer to your question.
I question whether I am young enough to get remarried. I'm turning 35 this year, have one child from a previous relationship who he has taken on as his own (not adopted), and one from this marriage. I feel like I would be damaged goods.
319tippy, the BEST THING you can do for yourself is REBUILD yourself. Be the best person and loving mom you can be. You are young. Please don't let fear be your guide for the future. There is healing, there is hope, and there are many who will love you so much!!
Every few months, my unfaithful husband threatens to divorce me and tries to kick me out. And often, he emotionally blames and berates me and when he calms down, he tells me he wants to stay married to me. He says sorry but then I get a little apprehensive.. And then he tries to tell me how much he loves me but after so many threats, I don’t believe him anymore. Is this normal behavior?
it's highly abnormal for the info i have on it. i would consult a professional asap and consider asking him to get help asap . this has many red flags in it my friend and i would not wait long before getting expert help and insight.
Thank you so much for the prompt reply. I know so many here are looking for answers. What kind of help would you recommend? He demonstrates a lot of emotionally abusive behaviors but when he calms down, seems to be sweet. However, it’s been a continued pattern which has caused me to disconnect. Also, just want to say I am so grateful for this ministry. For years, it has been such a go-to for me. Bless you guys!
This sounds like what my sister went through w/ her spouse when he was on drugs, and also an alcoholic.
Are these available as podcasts by any chance?
sorry, not yet, just via youtube. podcast is being designed as we speak though.
How do you know if you need him or choose him?
I understand the pain but if you choose to forgive and let go Jesus can help you overcome. Your pain its worth saving your family's future. Jesus can help restore your marriage and bring back love to your marriage.
Love that comment Danny
Danny L I did choose to forgive but my husband kept going back to his affair partner. I am Christian and DO believe but after 3 yrs enough.Even him asking my mother for forgiveness on her dying bed was just a falsehood. He continued to seeing his affair partner after that.
Same here. I forgave him and tried to understand his actions and other many things as a Christian. But when unfaithful doesn’t end the affair and keep braking our trust, how long do we have to suffer?
No one has to choose to stay. God gave each of us agency, the ability to choose for ourselves. Each of us can give ourselves the permission to leave if that's what's best.
Great video and much food for thought. I haven't been choosing my spouse, and if I'm truly honest, I'm not sure I want to.
I just dont think shes at a level to understand what you are saying. She hasn't talked to a therapist. She has apologized for betraying me and has broken down crying but something in me tells me she wants to avoid the issues deep within her to heal.
Theres an emotional disconnection. I feel as if she wouldnt care if I continued to stay or left.
Who cheated? Was it you or your wife?