Cool video, My relationship of 6 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor FATHER ABULU who helped me bring him back
Jimmy, I was sent TikTok link “Shutting down during conflict” during a conflict with my wife. I watched it and then searched for more of your videos on RUclips. Within minutes, I was in tears and then had to stop the video at 16 minutes. I went downstairs, asked my wife to stand up and we embraced as I broke down into tears again. I just wanted to share my experience, as I had been completely unable to show any emotion during this time and I really hope this is the start of turning things around. I’ve yet to watch the remainder of the video, this is the only video I’ve ever commented on, on RUclips, just wanted to say thanks.
Avoidants make healthy partners feel like our basic needs are too much. Any healthily attached partner who can remain healthy after being stonewalled, dismissed, severed, and ignored by avoidants has real strength, real emotional maturity, and was not the problem in the relationship. Despite being made to so feel.
goes all the way back to childhood. I never married (was too scared of replaying my childhood), but attracted friends like this, and it was just like home :( I bond to people who hurt me.
thank you. I was upset with my avoidant ex a few days ago and he literally ghosted me for days and then broke up with me over text. It was the most devastating thing ive ever been in. I had been waiting days to discuss my feelings and fix the situation but then he just abandoned me like that. After watching all these videos i better understand him and realized that i need someone who is emotionally mature and wont put up walls like this.
Stonewalling can be a dishonest power move used by someone who has no intention of rectifying the situation at hand, and just wants their partner to drop the subject. That's a WIN for them.
I have gone through that very recently. We were not married so I knew this was not going to be a good relationship, especially when the issue was about some of his other destructive ways that he had zero intention of working on in in the relationship.
They make sharing your feelings and concerns so frustrating that silence is preferable. And once you prefer silence from a partner they start wondering why they even *have* you in their life.
Then they need to take accountability and challenge their attachment style and thinking. Become better communicators. Stop blaming everyone else for their behavior like you did in this comment.
That helped me understand his behaviour and have more empathy for him. With that being said I'm still leaving this relationship as it's starting to become harmful for my mental health. I work on myself and go to therapy. I do my best to communicate effectively, be calm non judgemental and thoughtful yet I still don't see any improvement on his side. Relationship can't be one-sided 😢
You have to offer everything to yourself first... Once you figure out what you desire for others.. You must become what you seek. You cannot give externally without already having given to yourself internally. We cannot pour from empty cups.. But we will also soon learn to discern Who to give our focus and attention to.. After we've created value within ourselves in whatever way works for us... Detaching from the covertly narcissistic parent... or parents.. or siblings.. And typically its the one you would least expect..(if not all).. And then the friends you've had a long time will likely be very similar.. That detouching will allow you to see why you energetically attracted the same thing in a spouse. We can only attract the same frequency that we are at... When we focus on ourselves unconsciously raising our own frequency, Amazing transformations happened❤
Isn't it so ironic & interesting that we were supposed to learn to understand our behavior.. And have more empathy for ourselves😀 We are accountable for everything that has ever occurred in our lives.. That's how powerful we are.. So we are the generators of whatever we want too consciously create.. We are the directors of the movie.. We can choose the Cast, Plot, Location, and actors😉 When we recognize everything around us as a mirror and are conscious of our thoughts about others, We bring it right back to us and start questioning the same things about ourselves.. And therein lies your power & insight.. For rapid transformational healing and evolvement.❤
@@jenifernadeauI agree. I am in that process now. Basically learning that all my relationships both romantic and friendships I attracted narcissistic people. Also my immediate family were my biggest cross. Now I'm detaching but while doing so I don't have anyone left who's really close to me and I think I'm not able to attract anyone anymore as my life completely changed and that joy of life I used to had pretty much disappeared with all those relationship ordeals.
I’ve gone through the same thing with a Dismissive Avoidant partner. My esteem started eroding because the 4 horsemen were happening to me weekly; daily in the case of criticism. It was like slow torture. Totally wild. We broke up and I’m healing now. I send you love and all the best.
I think this is a point that might help: Anxious attachments need vulnerability in order to feel safe. Whereas Avoidants need to feel safe before they can be vulnerable. In my experience, a lot of miscommunication can happen because of this contrast in safety attachment. If an anxious person pushes vulnerability on the avoidant to feel secure, the avoidant will feel unsafe. In cases when people struggle to open up, what helps is listening intently to what little the persons says and then acting upon it. By listening and acting upon what is said makes an avoidant know they are heard and that their feelings matter. In the beginning of a relationship, this will speak more than gifts, lot of attention, or overly emotional messages.
Yes, that's totally true. However, let's say one has done so and the avoidant recognizes this. At what point is the other person supposed to start giving a little as well? At what point is the avoidant supposed to go a bit far and beyond to share or show some vulnerability or emotion to cover fraction of your own needs?
@@niriida1 It all comes to if they feel the anxious person is someone they can rely on or feel safe with. I have met good people who have let their trauma rule their lives and are blind to how it hurts others. This video explains a lot that can happen: ruclips.net/video/VebnGu6gSnw/видео.html Those who choose who acknowledge the hurt and work on themselves to be the person they want to be I find to be more secure and can maintain healthy relationships. This is not a battle of Anxious and Avoidants, it is about both being people who fight personal trauma so healthy relationships can grow.
@@niriida1My thoughts exactly. When you've been in a relationship over 20 years and realize the entire thing has been superficial and has never had any real depth or true connection.
You forgot the abuse caveat on this one, Jimmy. I would shut down and stare at the floor when my husband would stand threateningly over me and yell at me. I wasn’t allowed to speak, and I wasn’t allowed to leave. When he figured out he could label that as Stonewalling, he gained a new tool to act like I was responsible for our marriage problems. He loved to remind me that stonewalling was one of Gottman’s four horsemen of divorce. My attempts at being vulnerable and engaged only allowed him to hurt me more. I DO need to work on being more securely attached instead of anxious or avoidant, but he is not a safe person for that. EDITED TO ADD: I had no idea this comment would become so popular! The number one response I'm getting from people who aren't empathizing is basically: "What you are describing is Grey Rock, not Stonewalling. Therefore, Jimmy did not need to add an abuse caveat to this video, because those are two different things." To save myself from replying to every comment, I will write this: If you haven't been abused by a partner, you don't know what it's like. We don't know we are being abused for the whole relationship. Abusers aren't stupid; they know they need to start off hooking you in with love-bombing, and then sneakily and gradually push and test your boundaries, as well as slowly break you down and try to alter reality. Sometimes they do something sudden and obvious, but with covert narcissistic abuse in particular, it's generally slow and sneaky. When we start to wonder why things aren't so great anymore, we don't just go, "Oh! I'm being abused!" and leave. We generally love this person and want to make the relationship work, and anyone we talk to will usually recommend couples counselling and various other relationship tools. We try them, one by one. If we are Christians, the Church tells us "God hates divorce!", suggests that suffering is part of the Christian life, states that we are all sinners in need of grace, and the most conservative branches will also remind a wife that it is her duty to submit to her husband no matter what (and that this will glorify God). So we try and try and try and try. To my point, we look up marriage advice videos LIKE THIS ONE on RUclips. If there is no warning that this advice will NOT WORK when you are in an abusive relationship, we just accept that our partner is right and we are the problem, because we shut down in fights, and therefore our stonewalling is wrecking the relationship and making our partner angry/hurt/whatever. When there is abuse in a relationship, ALL STANDARD RELATIONSHIP ADVICE BECOMES WRONG. In fact, it is usually the opposite of what one should do. I do now know I was not stonewalling. I figured out I was being abused, got my own therapy, got stronger, got a job, have left my abusive husband, and live on my own in relative safety. I'm trying to heal. But at the time, I did believe him. It was his therapist who told him I was stonewalling, after all. Wouldn't a relationship expert know more than me? I even tried to double-check by asking a university professor I happened to meet. I asked, "What if we stop talking because that's our defense mechanism and we don't know what else to do?" He confirmed to me that that was still stonewalling, because regardless of my reason, the effect on the other person was the same. Maybe if I had described the whole situation better he would have answered differently, but I wasn't going to divulge anything in a group setting of people I didn't even know, so his response just confirmed I was doing things wrong. So YES, marriage advice videos and podcasts and blogs need abuse caveats! Hopefully that covers most future comments. Thank you for reading this far. =) If anyone else is in similar circumstances to mine, look up Lundy Bancroft, Dr. David E. Clarke, and Natalie Hoffman. They are Life Savers.
"stonewalling" is called "grey rock" when your in a narcissistic relationship and it's one of the only defenses that someone going thru narcissistic abuse has. So this seems like another victim blaming video, giving narcissists ammo to abuse and excuses to hide from their actions.
@@jozefelizondo2135No I don't agree though.. Going grey rock just means" being boring." It means deliberately not talking about your successes, a promotion or a new car, weight loss, or anything that might be going on in your life, And especially not anything that might be troublesome.. That you got a parking ticket, Et cetera.. Keep it about mundane things and keep it neutral.. That's what grey 🪨 rock is.. It gives them no ammo or information about yourself.. But you also have to make sure you have friends That you absolutely & completely trust.. Or just don't say anything to your friends/ family either.. Till they reveal themselves to be completely loyal.. Because the narcissist will have expert ways of getting information from your friends about any little thing in regards to you.. going grey rock means keeping busy , Go create and do something you love, Don't make comments Negatively or positively around anybody who could report things back to your narcissist.. . Of course, this is all to be done while you are learning to love yourself to get away from this personality type.. But anybody that you have dated will be representative of a parent that you are attempting to work things through from old childhood woundings.. focusing on healing the self and staying away from family/others That Are not authentic, & do not have your genuine best interests at heart.. You will find that most of your family are exactly like the person you are dating because it's What is familiar, But that doesn't mean it's healthy.. Re parenting ourselves in healthy ways and creating our true selves from scratch ... Is how we build the self, confidence and value And worth that parents could not teach us because they did not have it themselves .❤
If someone doesn't "allow "you to do something as an adult... It sounds like you need to get then physically removed from your presence via the law... You are a free sovereign being that needs permission from no one for anything..🇺🇸 But the Belief system that you got subconsciously programmed with comes from the family unit. The mother wound and/ or the father wound. When we reparent ourselves in healthy ways that they could not do, Because they were running on their own subconscious programming and traumas, We create new stories to tell ourselves and new belief systems.. Which is our Divine right. ❤
There's a quote in Hindi. Let me translate it for you, "Get upset enough with someone to make them realize your absence, but don't get so upset that they learn to live without you."
@@mariespi96The amount that is right for your heart and soul. Your answer always lies within. Respect yourself and your feelings, put yourself first - ALWAYS.
Avoidants avoid love to avoid hurt, and when they encounter reliable love are drawn to try to spoil it to prove to themselves it can't be real. They will hurt the people who show they care about them the most.
This was the last thing I sent my, now ex, out of desperation after 4 years of this behaviour. You described everything EXACTLY... to an exact tee like you were there. It was unbelievable and made me cry to know I am not crazy. I tried so hard to talk and empathize and 'fix it', until in the end I just had to save myself 💔 I know there are men capable of giving more than this. And that I deserved more. If you're crying every day because your relationship is this way, please realize those tears are because you're upset at yourself - because you know the truth is, they aren't about to change... and that you're deceiving yourself. Empower yourself with that thought. Smile and be free.
@@jasmineofearth Thank you so much. I am enjoying loving myself for now and perhaps that will follow. I'm just so much happier! I wish you the best on your journey as well 😇
Thank you. I just sent this and also exited. Painful but not as much as this behavior. There’s only so much empathy and compassion to where it becomes self-sacrificing and that’s not healthy.
Exactly the same for me except that I am the man and she was stonewalling, 4 years of relationship coming to an end, where i lost my self confidence argument after arguments trying to make her open up and being vulnerable and understanding that expressing my feelings about some things that are not okey doesn’t mean I am attacking her or wanting to change who she is. Jimmy basically described my life word for word. Feeling less alone now that i see i am not the only one.
@Alixir1228if someone judge you by skin color or excess skin, that’s their problem not yours. I’m very proud of you you lost tons of weight(If it’s a positive thing for you and your health), your excess skin is a result of your hardwork. Don’t sell you to a cheapest bidder
It’s comforting to see how many people in the comments also struggled with this. People are quick to label you as narcissistic or toxic but the reason why I developed this mechanism was because I came from a volatile emotionally-immature household and was verbally abused at times. As a child I just wanted to avoid conflict and this mechanism helped me stay sane and feel like im protecting myself. However I’ve learned it has hindered my ability to healthily communicate and understand my emotions. I’ve worked to be a healthier communicator and better understand what I’m feeling in the moment, but the partner I was with perpetually labelled me the problem and was abusive. So while im disappointed things fell apart instead of transformed, I learned valuable lessons that have made me grow as a more mature partner and person. Anyone who is willing and working to be conscious and grow - I’m sending you love
I'm coming to that point again too. I had to end 10 yrs due to cheating. I should have ended it sooner, but didn't realize how bad it could get. I had tried better communication and showing more appreciation too. He made it seem like things were so bad for him, so I tried to meet him part way. I realized I was contributing to a toxic relationship too. Even though it was mostly him and a lot of people agreed that I lost a loser in the end, I still want to not fall into bad patterns that I did fall into. If I do ever get in a good relationship, I want to do better. I definitely don't want to get into a mindset where I feel entitled to have someone else make it up to me, because someone else put me through hell. It's just a matter of recovering from the last one.
I’m not so much glad as relieved to see tht I’m not the only one that went through this stuff and my defense mechanisms lead to some thinking I’m just a narcissist glad to figure ways I should correct and improve myself to maybe find true connections with others
When I stonewall, I do feel very ashamed and mentally stuck because I don't know what my wife needs from me. I feel like a complete failure. I feel stupid for not addressing these issues before. I thought I was. I didn't know what I didn't know. Jimmy, spot on for me, and you shed a lot of light on my wife, also. I wish I could get her to communicate with me openly and honestly... and I with her. I am to the point, now where I should have been 5 years ago. I want to talk about our issues. I didn't know how before.
That’s great John, that you’re at this point now! Don’t beat yourself up too much, like you and Jimmy say: you didn’t know what you didn’t know. But you do now, and you’re making an effort to learn and grow, and that’s awesome! Keep at it! 💪🏽👏🏽
@@dvdh4856 I don't know why you care so much about a stranger, but thank you. I really appreciate your support. I believe my wife feels the same way, but she's too scared to show it. She's scared that if she shows me support, I'll stop trying to make progress, but that was the old me. I now love how it feels to learn more about myself. It's almost like a high. I can't get enough information now. Thanks again!
I like that comment too. “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.” There is so much to learn about relationships.keep trying different things and remember what works and keep doing them. Don’t fall back to old ways👍🏼
I don't know what I don't know; i use this all the time. I learned this when I first dabbled in picking wild mushrooms! Didn't think I'd read that on a stonewalling video 👌
we have choices, options, a mind, a body - say I need a break, give me ...... how long you need. Running away, silent treatment, just damages and trains the other person NOT to need you and NOT to want to discuss things with you
In the past, I was with someone who often treated me in a similar way. The turning point for me was taking time to really think about what I enjoyed in that relationship. To my surprise, I found very little that truly mattered to me. I realized what I really valued was the companionship of sharing meals, cuddling, and enjoying shows together. Then it hit me like a freight train-I could share those moments with anyone! Why endure such behavior from someone who resorts to silence and emotional withdrawal? It was then I decided to pursue what I truly deserved: loyalty, open communication, and real love. People who employ silence and withdrawal as tactics lack compassion and would behave the same with anyone, even if they were with the most glamorous and successful individuals. They are deeply flawed people who spread misery and are best left to face the consequences of their actions alone. It’s time to move on and find someone who will love, cherish, and respect you. Although it’s tough to leave, seeking a partner who truly values you is absolutely worth it.
Really well said, I’m going on 10 days of completely no contact with someone who supposedly said they love me, want to marry me. I don’t even know what happened.
You said this so well. I just broke up with my DA and I’m reflecting also. I enjoyed his company however I wasn’t being satisfied and started cheating on him. I’m not proud of it. I knew I should’ve left a long time ago.
I'm literally bawling crying right now. It's been 9 months of the same argument. Any time I try to express anything to him that isn't absolute happiness, he stonewalls. When I tell him how much it hurts, he tells me I'm being hurtful by not accepting his need for space. I told him space is absolutely fine and gave him some ways to better communicate those needs but he says it's too hard, he says when he is angry, he isn't capable of that level of self control and I shouldnt expect it from him. I'm so... Tired. I just want to feel heard. I'm so sad. I feel so alone.
I don't know your situation that well and I have no idea who you are or your partner is. From what you shared, it could mean he is emotionally immature to handle the situation or he has narcissistic tendencies. I suggest therapy for him directly or counselling therapy. OR, and I agree with the other two commentators: tell him that you are feeling tired and unheard and that you can no longer do the emotional work in the relationship. If he doesn't try, it's time for a change - and decide what that change is FOR YOUR HEALTH AND SAFETY AND WELLBEING.
Agreed! You describe my avoidant 72-year old spouse perfectly! After 25 years, I am ready to call it quits but came across this video today. We went to two sessions of marriage counseling where he was less than honest, to put it kindly. When the session was over, the male counselor literally wished my husband "luck" on the way home with my "Irish temper" in front of the receptionist and a waiting room full of people! Incredibly unprofessional and my husband just laughed. He's on his 2nd solo therapist now in two years and hasn't been honest. I found that out when I met with his counselor at his request last week. I'm going to email this video to my avoident spouse and see if he recognizes himself. He had a bad 1st marriage and your saying he was treating me like I was the enemy of his past, really hit home because that is what it feels like. He is punishing me for everything she did that hurt him. Seriously, if I hear one more "I don't know why I said that, did that, allowed that..." or him sitting there with his eyes closed, shaking his head, "No!", completely blocking me out, I may just call it quits. I'm living in the guest room at the moment and I feel like I'm trespassing in my own home to go get a bottle of water! 😢
This would have been my comment exactly! I showed my husband and said that this is what I want to say, but can't put into words. When he pulled into the driveway, he was listening to it before I could finish the video.
My bf stonewalls, I'm so tired of it for the last 9 years. I also know it's a trauma response due to his childhood trauma and his past. HOWEVER, He has also had repeated opportunities to better himself, get help, been shown/told his these things are destructive & hurtful to himself & our relationship. He has acknowledged these things and at every turn chosen to continue to stay on his path. Yet he still says i never intended to hurt you. Yaaaa. I don't think i can believe that anymore. It's absolutely a choice now.
It's time to go. 9 years is a long time for consistently receiving a failed behavior. He would rather feel "safe" then own the behavior in any way. My dad at 65+ still does this and chooses to live alone. He just can't do sharing a life and communicating normal in any way. So save yourself the time/energy. You tried.
You've been a girlfriend for 9 years? He's knows he's GOT you by tenderbits and you're not going anywhere so he's treats you exactly the way he wants to treat you. Because YOU don't believe that you deserve better. Time to wake up from this nightmare, quietly make a new plan and save yourself. Life is way too short to waste your time, energy and heart on someone who doesn't appreciate you as a person. Don't waste another second. It's time for you to GO.
I've tried to tell him to please see me, hear me n understand me countless times. He don't. I fell in love with someone who doesn't exist. My fault I've gone above n beyond while he gives less than basic. It's over. He will never be there for me, like me n the kids r there for him.i come out the hospital and still am going above n beyond, when I'm so tired, he gets so idk how to explain. Leaving the hospital I should not be cooking, cleaning, doing for my partner, I think he should be in a healthy way. When do I get a break. Please...This video hit deep. So deep. I've been lying to myself all these years. Hoping he grow but refuses. It's time for me to grow and walk away. I wish I didn't love so deep n hard n wish I had the strength to walk. Plz God... what a fool I am, yet sooooo fing smart.smh
Jimmy, you’re the only relationship coach out there that makes me feel safe because you speak to both sides and hold us all accountable. Thank you for the beautiful work you do.
Stonewalling was one of the main reasons for my divorce a few years ago. I was never heard, never validated..I felt alone in every hard situation. He used it as a control tool because he knew if he didn’t speak I’d take blame to reverse the silent treatment. It was awful and so psychologically abusive. I’m actually someone who is more on the avoidant end as well so I understand shutting down and have so much empathy for it..and unfortunately that was my problem. I allowed myself to be treated that way for so long and didn’t care enough about my needs. Still healing from divorce now and the effects of not being heard (I second guess myself constantly and fear being candid with any type of emotions).
Same for me. Except I never really rebounded from the horrible marriage. I wish I had gotten out sooner. It damaged me far too much to ever figure out how to navigate a relationship. Not I am in a situationship. I am pretty avoidant now and don't really know how to do more for myself.
What you are describing is a person with a personality disorder, like a narcissist. I know, I'm a man and my wife is a narcissist. It's been a LONELY, abusive 29 years. No sex, no intimacy, no communication because she gives the silent treatment or Stonewalls. I could go on and on and on. I've tried for decades to work it out with her and she simply doesn't care. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around an individual that cannot understand common sense and human decency.
I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. My husband (an otherwise gentle and kind person but terribly avoidant with lots of unhealed past hurt) watched it, then watched it again and is now demonstrating his commitment to stop stonewalling. I'd like to see him address some of those past hurts, but I guess that is his journey. This is a powerful video.
I sent my avoident husband this video and am hoping he recognizes himself. I am not the enemy of his past - his ex wife - but he has made me pay for every awful thing she did to him. I met him three years after their divorce. However, even after 20 years together and 15 years of marriage, I was not allowed to go to his daughter's engagement party and have never met his ex. He has a lot of unresolved issues with her, more than I even knew. After 25 years, I'm done taking it and he knows it. I don't even know if what I thought we had existed. 😢
This was very insightful. I struggle with stonewalling my husband any time there is a conflict. He has been able to explain to me how it hurts him and I've been trying to do better at continuing to communicate through a conflict. I am much better than I used to be. But you're right, it does feel like I'm always the one with the problem and I do feel ashamed and scared and like a failure. I feel like I genuinely don't know what to say most of the time because I don't think anything will be good enough. It's something we're working through and I'm very glad to have stumbled across this video. It's helpful just having more language to describe what's going on.
Wow, this is so uplifting, it’s important to stay inspired. I feel a deep sense of emptiness, it’s been 2months since jack left and everyday feels like an eternity without him. My mind’s been flooded with memories of our time together. It’s so painful that I’d never get to experience the little things with him again. I’ve texted him several times telling him how much I miss and want him sadly he replied none. Guess all I can do is just hold unto the memories.
It’s ok to grieve dear It’s clear that you’re not just missing jack but a part of yourself that you shared with him. Your message to him is a testament to the love you still have for him. It’s takes courage to be that vulnerable. It’s ok to feel the pain of heartbreak but don’t loose hope. My own heart break story is one of devastation . It was sudden and brutal leaving me lost. Desperate for solace and guidance, I reached out to a spiritual counselor who was recommended by a friend for help.
My husband’s been watching your videos with me. He just said, “The Army didn’t issue me feelings.” 😂 They didn’t issue him anxiety and depression, either, but they gave it to him anyway. - Thanks for helping give us better communication techniques to continue working together to work towards another 20 years.
@@jac1161 he loves fireworks before his deployments, now he has to be gone during the times of year when they’re being shot off. That’s 100% from daily mortar attacks during 24 months in various countries during the conflicts he was engaged in.
@@jac1161 52 months of deployments in war zones and his personality from when we were first married to when his personality started changing says this is incorrect. While it’s true that people bring issues with them before going into the military, not every issue is something they brought with them.
I really love your outlook on stonewalling. To my husband's defense, I know exactly why he does it. It still hurts me, but when people tell me I need to "leave him" because he does this, it irritates me. They don't know or understand his past pain...why he is the way he is... Someone REALLY hurt your spouse to the point where it completely changed their ability to be able to react normally to "normal" life situations. It's literally SO sad! I know he and I need to work through this, because the "wall" goes on for days on end and it's really damaging to our marriage, but he's more important to me than the issues we face, and I'm willing to work with him on it. ❤
I love this so much. I always want to make sure to reiterate we can have empathy for their past and still lovingly hold them accountable to not hurting us with their old coping strategies to keep themselves safe Ya know? We can do both :)
@allisonb.8492 Oh, it's definitely literal hell. But even when we fight, I just look at him with so much love and sadness because I know he is the way he is because he was treated so badly.
This is also a possible great trap and an excuse for him not changing his behavior. So many people are stuck in abusive or hurtful relationships because fully grown adults use their sad childhoods as an excuse to treat their partner badly, and have no real incentive to change or work on it. And usually, they find empaths that feel so sorry for them the way you do and have so much faith that their love will change them. If your friends are telling you to leave him, that is a very important sign you should not ignore. They might see reality way better than you. They might see you giving so much love to this person and not getting any love back. There is a difference in a person saying they want to work on it and actually working on it and seeing progress. I don't know your situation, I'm just warning you because i have seen so many people suffer for love for years in hopes of better days that didn't come. @@bobbysusanthompson9117
I shut down after a long conflict, after feeling not heard or understood, after being vulnerable and my words getting twisted und not heard. I shut down when the conversation goes in circles and I get blamed for everything. When it feels like a yelling match that brings no results. It seems safer and wiser to shut down. I want to go to my partner and apologize for invalidating his feelings and show the video to him but I'm afraid that it will be weaponized and another reason to blame me for our problems.
Exactly, conversation just leads to anger - anger to blame or the classic ‘maybe I should just kill myself then huh?’ To any hint or request change/help. Worse than communicating with a middle schooler
I think this is a great video! The ONLY problem I have with this video is to remind someone who leaves the conversation and "says" they will come back at a certain time TO KEEP THEIR WORD. That does not mean that they have to return to a toxic conversation. If more time is needed you still have that option. I have just witnessed so many avoidants saying they need time and will return but just want to use those words as a tool to avoid. I hope this makes sense.
I was thinking the same. If an avoidant is stonewalling you and you tell them you can’t take that and prefer to continue the conversation later, isn’t that just playing into their cards, as in the conversation is avoided at that very moment.
THIS! If you say you need 30 minutes to calm down, then set a timer and come back when you say you will. Otherwise anytime you say “I need 30 minutes to calm down” or “can we talk about this later/tomorrow?”, the other person will know you’re just trying to avoid the conversation and you have no intention of coming back to it, which just tells them they should give up on being heard. Do not make the other person bring the conversation up again!
As an Avoidant, it's even hard to not take these videos personally. It's the hard truth when you realize you have a problem that you need to work on. I've gone 31 years not realizing I have a problem...
Jimmy, I respectfully ask (beg) you to write a book. The way you speak and present the information is easier for the common person to relate to and understand. Please!? ❤🙏🏻❤❤
I was sent your video today (15/11/23) by my partner, who unfortunately is over 2,000 kms away from me for this exact reason. We’ve been apart for around 20 months and trying to work everything out. It’s been difficult as I hear her but don’t always understand her. This was very raw and real listening to you and actually very emotional for me. I’m not afraid to say my eyes were leaking. I need to thank her and you, as this is what I really needed to hear as you have my exact same story. I will watch this again and probably again as a continuous reminder, so I can learn to heal myself, grow and hopefully grow my relationship into something beautiful. Thank you Jimmy!
This is so helpful. I genuinely had no idea my avoidant behaviour was so hurtful. I just don’t feel safe enough to speak up during a discussion. I just got into a new relationship and I’ve been avoiding one for years and I’m willing to put in the work for us. Thanks so much ❤️
This is helpful. I have been accused of the silent treatment and was finally late-diagnosed ASD. I don’t often have an autistic shutdown with my partner, but if my partner sounded very accusing or blaming while I was also very exhausted from masking hard in a toxic work environment, it can happen. This explains why my partner took my shutdown personally which broke communication down further. Announcing my dysregulation and taking a break would work with this too. ❤
Came here to say this. ASD needs to be taken into consideration in a relationship. You hit an excellent point I didn’t know how to verbalize. My meltdown and being unable to communicate does correlate greatly with the amount of time I’ve had to mask prior to the shut down. Thank you for explaining and bringing this type scenario to light.
When I shut down, it's because I'm so anxious, so emotionally distressed and dysregulated that I need a break for my own mental health and no further conversation would be helpful or constructive. He hates it when I say I need to stop and I'm done talking. I'm putting my own emotional well being first, and he just keeps coming at me with more before I'm regulated again. It makes everything worse because then I get angry and feel like he's not respecting my boundaries and needs, but he's just desperate to fix it RIGHT NOW. It happens over and over and over. Even though we've talked about it.
You are hurting him. Now that you are aware, it is your choice to not hurt him and find help for yourself. Your trauma is not his fault. YOU are making it now his problem.
Stonewalling is emotional abuse. End of story. Take 10 minutes - 15 minutes and come back to the conversation. Tell him you need a 10-15 min break and COME BACK at that time. If you shut down during difficult conversations and never come back, it makes intimate relationships impossible
absolutely right.....the silent treatment administrators turn their "calm and peaceful appearing" self into the victim. I'm tired of people thinking "quiet ones" are the better ones.
Some people go silent because they've "used their words" in the most direct way possible for them, and had their partner completely twist what was said not two minutes prior (I'm some people)..I didn't *want* to stop talking to my (former) partner, and I couldn't handle the issues he refused to get help for without being belittled for actively seeking treatment for my own issues.
'Making them the enemy of our past'. That is profound.. I attended therapy and this right here is what my shrink said.. Hurt people hurt people. Understanding that painful past in order to move forward is life saving.
I wish I knew about this when I got married 37 years ago... This is the most practical and clear explanation of communication that I have ever heard. My wife turned me on to this channel and I know understand communication issues and this channel is the best advice I have ever heard to understand my wife and communicate with her and to understand communication dynamics.
Not just during arguments. My husband stonewall whenever I ask questions about every day life. The weird thing is, could be a simple question like, "What you want for dinner?", but the most irritating is when it comes to spending time together or with other people. I got tired of it and told him, I just need to know a yes or no, do you want to do this or not. Ignoring the question won't make it go away. He has gotten better at understanding that Im not trying to set a trap, I simply need to know what he wants to do. He finally admitted he ignores me when he doesn't want to do something, so I told him that's when you say no. It's ok to say no, but ignoring me or the person asking us it's rude and makes us feel disrespected. Please just say yes or no, that way I don't look like an idiot infron of other people for showing you respect and you dsrepect me instead. Things been a lot better, since he alway brings respect into the picture when he is upset. So I spoke his language to help him understand me.
What about you agree with him that when you get no response you will take it as a no. I know it s not ideal but at least you're not left stranded with confusion and can plan things for yourself then?
It can be any kind of yes or no question. Like our family wants us to meet them for dinner, do you want to go? Do you want this for dinner? Blah blah wants to meet up on this date, are you ok with it? It's frustrating, but learning to help him understand I'd ok to say no, at least give an answer even if it's days later.
@@nitacollins3645 I can understand that if he was autistic or anything, but it's more of a fear of being abused if not giving the answer he thinks I want. We both Bern through abusive relationships, but I learned to fight back and he learned not to answer or pretend he doesn't hear. So it's a learning curve for the both of us. It's important to know you are safe and can be open and honest with each other without fear of retaliation or being screamed at.
I wonder if you should just announce what you’re going to do and invite him along? Like “I’m going to Marsha and Steve’s house for dinner, and would like you to come along but understand if you have stuff you need to get done”
That was so real, and said so very well. That is all I want from my husband. You do a fantastic job of explaining the very issues that exist in most relationships these days. Do not quit making these videos please!!
This is one of the best videos I have listen to. I’m going through a very difficult time where my boyfriend is stonewalling me. He’s a wonderful man, don’t get me wrong… But his way of dealing with things is not dealing with them at all. I guess he needs time and space but while he’s doing this, it’s literally pushing me so far away that I don’t know if I can even come back from it. I’m not sure if that matters to him or not. I’m just trying to give him the space that he needs right now so that he doesn’t make a rash decision. Either way this video literally touched on exactly what’s going on in my relationship. I am going to save the video and when I feel he’s more receptive I’m going to send it to him. Thank you so much. This video was so close to my situation.❤
Welp, I just sobbed heavily. You read my heart and I wasn't ready for it. My fear of being a failure manifests in way more ways than I ever thought they would.
My GF has is an avoidant. Me learning what an avoidant actually was (obviously not from her telling me) was a game changer for me. I can approach her with more compassion and patience.
@RANDassociatesinc that will help a lot! I'm aware and trying to improve, and that would still help me tremendously. I hope she will have an easier time opening up for you 🙏 ❤️
@@42t16 it hasn’t for the most part BUT my being less reactive HAS had her be slightly more kind. Sadly, I cannot say that it has had a significant impact in her behaviour; minor at best.
@RANDassociatesinc does she know she's an avoidant? It took me years to realize that this is the effect my childhood had on me. I used to literally get the fight or flight adrenaline when anything happened, or I started to care too much. However; not knowing your situation, I will say this.... I was always kind. There is no excuse for not being kind and considerate to people. Especially those you love. I would need time to myself to "digest things" and decompress. It helps me to write things down AFTER I've had time to think about them so it will be more factual than pure emotion. Sometimes, this takes a few hours or a few days. But I don't ignore him. I always communicate with him. The silent treatment or ignoring someone is playing games. It's not ok. If she isn't kind and doesn't communicate with you... or isn't willing to be open and work on things for the both of you... it will not change. I went 26 years without even saying I love you to anyone I dated. So I really do get it. But you are a person with needs too!!! Do not let yourself forget that. One person cannot fix the relationship. It should be a team effort. You deserve to get what you give. Please repeat this to yourself 🙏❤️
OMG ... Jimmy you just hit the nail... watching your videos I realised that I am avoidant..and that's exactly how do I feel and think when I shut down...😭😭😭
I avoid conflict by shutting down if there is any change in tone, yelling or if I feel like I'm not being heard... I was in an abusive relationship that really ruined me and my ability to resolve conflict. I get pure emotionless sometimes. I feel so bad. I don't know how to stop it before it happens.
Exactly the same for me. I don't mind criticism at all. I get genuinely curious about it. But the moment there is yelling or strong emotional charge coming my way, I shut down and go numb inside. My mum was physically abusive and that's how I protected myself in the past, I knew I couldn't avoid the beating that would follow up on the yelling and nothing I could say changing that. I also know I'm an adult now and have to find healthier coping mechanisms. Working on it ;)
I’ve stonewalled and been stonewalled. When I’ve been stonewalled it only made me more emotional and frustrated because I was trying to resolve an issue, meanwhile the other person won’t say anything or attempt to fix the issue. Then I have to tiptoe around them to talk about anything and that feels really unfair.
@@michelletulumello661 self abandonment is something for the partner to work on big time also. One is abandonning someone's needs. The other is abandonning their own needs. Both highly unhealthy behaviours.
@@sunbeam9222 In any situation other then when you have young children, that works. When the other person lives there, provides materially but in practical terms abandons you, well, statistically the kids will be worse off if you leave.
@@michelletulumello661 I think you're a little past your place calling this woman an abuser for shutting down to protect herself. We're not therapists, just people looking for answers. It doesn't give you license to spew feeling about something you've been through on someone else. "Meanest thing" "hate you" "you are the abuser"
Omg this is me. I needed to hear this in a way that someone understands. Stonewalling isnt being a narcissist but its feeling helpless and being afraid to say or do something that would be hurtful and not being able to take it back. Its feeling like you give and give and have no more to give. Its feeling like no matter what you say you will not be heard so you shut down. Its like if you shut down you cant have an argument and not hurt even more. Its knowingly its not the best behavior, but its giving up and surrendering to just make everything (hurt) stop. I even would say its having so much love and not knowing how to harness it. But its crazy in that moment we just want everything to go away. I needed to hear something like this not from a point of view being criticized but being understood. To understand what i can do to hopefully break this self sabotaging behavior. Im not vengeful i dont yell i dont cuss i just shut down.I feel im rambling here. But thank from the bottom of my heart. Best content i will listen several times and work on myself.
What's one to do if they say they need a break, but never actually come back to finish convo? Ignore or silent treatment until they feel like acting like everything is fine. This makes the "breaks" extremely triggering bc I know the issues will never be resolved and then I'm blamed for being upset at this. Any attempts at my part at resolving....just ends up in the cycle all over
Once any attempts at resolving just makes things worse then we are caught in a destructive conflict cycle and we need professional help or else distance and disconnection will only grow.
I have the same problem in my marriage. We are so numb to each other. The fights never resolved. No answers. Always shutting down. Our relationship can only ever be ok if I act ok and never have a problem with him. But I cant not have a problem because hes an alcoholic/depressed if otherwise not drinking. Its just miserable how we've become.
Therapy doesn’t work with a narcissist ❤️🩹 I tried & not only did he fool her but nothing ever got resolved… she told him it was alright to leave when he got angry but nothing about resolving issues so I said very little & went gray rock. He just disappeared one day… six months later the relief is permanent & peace is gradually returning as my fears are receding. Hope for the future is returning!
@@caroleminke6116I hope it's permanent, but please know to take your safety seriously, change locks and have an escape plan if they try to return to your home or contact you. Stay no-contact.
Stonewalling is not always because of shame. Sometimes people use it as punishment. They will do it until you go shopping with their way. It's not all shame.
especially when they know your deepest wound is silent treatment and they use it with their stone cold heart, to like you said...punish. And they are then the victim.
Jimmy, thank you so much for this. This helps me understand my avoidant husband better. I hope one day he'll be willing to watch your videos, and when that happens, this is the 1st one I'm gonna' show him.
What can happen is they are so used to that, that they actually make sure they create situations and experiences where they are failing, to prove their parents and that original belief system to be true. Because that is all they have.
My husband has stonewalled for 30+ years. It has made me so crazy over the years that I have resorted to yelling & name calling just to get ANY response from him at all.
This is me too. I hate the person I have become. It's like when kids act out to get attention because negative attention is better than no attention. I'm so ashamed that this is what I have been reduced to.
Stonewalling: refusal to have a verbal conversation with your partner, so they resort to text in an attempt to reach you. You escalate the situation and double down by leaving every heart felt gut wrenching message on read for years... but then when your partner has finally had all they can take and attempts to amicably separate the response is an accusatory guilt inducing "don't do this to us, think of the kids!" So you stay, and stay miserable, lonely, and alone. Wash rinse repeat. I know you don't love the phrase "if they wanted to they would" but God bless, after so many years and thousands of attempts to find middleground, refusals to seek assistance, that is the only sentence I have left that makes any sense.
Exactly, it’s total emotional immaturity and avoidance of any type of adult communication. It makes you feel alone, like there’s no intimacy or even basic effort or respect, and ultimately all the responsibility falls on you because your stonewalling partner can’t handle any type of conversation, because it turns to conflict, instead of resolution
@@sophiestaskowski758 yes. As well as emotional manipulation. At some point they learned that if you ignore a problem long enough it goes away. But no one ever explained that only works with a problem that no one is emotionally invested in solving. Or they learned that eventually someone else will address the problem. (As a child either the parent gave in and did the chore, or the the responsibility for the action was released) the behavior was rewarded rather than addressed. Tough conversations were avoided even then. On some level this is a learned behavior. This is where the "you never let things go" response is born. Because in their history (usually with a parent) usually eventually issues were dropped or ignored rather than addressed. So they go into relationships expecting the same. They somehow equate this behavior to unconditional love. And when we continually bring things up that they have refused to address they feel we are judging them and we can't let things go and we become the villians in their story. They can't see that we are reacting to their reaction. Which of course also isn't healthy. But this is where our own work has to start.
It’s an emotional response, a reaction. Someone has to practice fighting against it but I wouldn’t take it too personal when someone does this. It’s not about you. Everyone has things they’re not in control of otherwise we would all be perfect..
This is an aha moment for me, although i know for sure that my ex fiance was a narcissist (future faking, not caring about my best interest, talking about other partners and sex workers, shaming me for having insecurities, no regard for my needs and i was basically begging for minimum in the end, never being truly vulnerable and honest), but i do see what i can work on during conflict and in general, we were young and didn't know what we're doing, but still lying and gaslighting is the worse.
Another gem of a video Jimmy! 👌 Love how you mentioned nervous system dysregulation, learning about polyvagal theory has made such a huge difference for me personally. And you explained coping modes (schema therapy) so well! They really are survival/defense/coping reactions that were once adaptive in childhood but have become maladaptive in the present. And I love how you walked us through how to actually productively use time outs. It’s so so important to use time outs to calm the nervous system, and to not get dragged into the stories (projections of schema’s) we tell ourselves and fall victim to self righteous anger. You mentioning holding your partner’s hand during conflict reminded me of something I read. I can’t remember if it was from Stan Tatkin’s research, or that of the Gottmans, or Sue Johnson. I had a period of desperate hyperfocus on how to heal relationships, reading all the books lol. But I remember reading that in this study, holding their partner’s hand helped men’s nervous systems regulate, lowering their heart rates. So fascinating how our physiology works! Another tip for anyone reading this: our breathing directly effects our nervous system. When dysregulated, using ‘physiological sighs’ is therefore the easiest, most effective and efficient way to calm our nervous systems. I’ve tried for years to ‘think’ my way out of being triggered with very little succes, causing me to feel like a failure, defective. Thanks cognitive behavioral therapy.. But this breathing technique has been a game changer. I thought breathing techniques were just a bunch of woo woo hippie stuff, but it’s a well studied neurobiological phenomenon that we all have access to. It works by taking one big, deep inhale, followed by another sharp inhale, and then a long and slow sighing exhale. Works like a charm every single time!
@@scottholden1862 it’s made a big difference for me, I hope it will help you just as much! It takes some practice, especially to remember to do it when triggered, so please don’t feel discouraged if it takes some getting used to at first. It may also be worthwhile to look up the working of it or a demonstration :). Anyhow, wishing you luck with it all and a happy new year!
First time in my life l experience a living human male figure being able to speak about feelings !? IT FEELS LIKE RUPTURE DAY !! GOD EXISTS AND IS ALIVE .... ❤
Ugh this hits hard.. I'm the one that gets stonewalled all the time and I'm the one who grew up in the volatile household with yelling being a constant. He doesn't do it to our kids just me, and it makes me feel like I have to walk on egg shells all the time. He will not be violent to me he will just shut down. I don't know if it's an ego thing with him and he absolutely just says he doesn't know why he's this way. 😩 We've been together 22 years and I don't understand him, I tell him everything and he is reluctant to tell me anything, I honestly don't think he even thinks to tell me things. I've told him we need to see a counsellor but he doesnt seem to realise how bad it is getting (I have my own mental things too) and because of that I wonder if it's just me overreacting. His lack of showing care to me has been this way since basically the start and I used to be ok with it (again my own mental stuff) I would be living and give him everything. I just don't have the energy anymore like I don't even know what I feel for him anymore.. Sorry for the rant but this video is my life and I didn't realise that I was being stonewalled constantly until seeing this. I think I'm too broken now and for my kids I just want them to be happy..
Get yourself into a safe place. It's damaging for your kids to see you both stuck and hurting. Get at least one - I.e. you- out of the misery of past patterns spinning around in a vicious lifeless circle.
It’s not you. You need to stop holding yourself accountable for his behavior or thinking you deserve it because you’re “broken” . It’s likely this situation is only enforcing that feeling of brokenness you feel inside anyway -- confirming it . I was there. For 3.5 years I accepted abusive behavior from my likely fearful + dismissive avoidant , (and I’m thinking covertly narcissistic , as he was withdrawn but pretty grandiose when he wanted to be like w groups of friends) ex bc I saw my own issues mirrored and reflected in his. You can say we emotionally abused each other at times bc we did , just him via stonewalling or yelling and me via wanting reassurance and not respecting his requests for space . It was so easy to see it a a dynamic due to my own issues until I saw how calculatedly he would use space paired with demeaning words to create distance if he felt annoyed or stressed, only to shut down any further attempts on my part to resolve the issue no matter how much space he took. He would also yell if I pressed on. Bc I couldn’t just be okay with the stonewalling I accepted responsibility for so much but that behavior is not normal. It is likely exacerbating your mental health issues. Since leaving I realize I had amnesia for so many instances of being stonewalled and crying for hours by myself . That wasn’t the only sort of abuse… but in many ways he was greatanyway You cannot heal in that environment . It will make an impact on your kids if they see that pain in you. Believe me I wish my mom would’ve been strong enough to say EFF you to my narc dad bc for a while I felt like they are the reason I’m like this and lack boundaries too! But I am learning to escape my victimhood…and mentality… you can too! Something that helped me before I left - Get a therapist . I got this from the RUclips crappy childhood fairy-every morning journal your fears and resentments then immediately after do a short meditation . Something simple and low effort . I use guided OM meditation or a body scan. Also look into learning your attachment style - read attached to start. Then give yourself a morning routine . after I make my bed make tea and pray even if you’re not religious do something spiritual every day. Surrender witb all that pain give it to something higher . Get into Jesus or with craft but pray . I pray to everything the earth, the sky, the divine. I make a routine of it. Share like it’s your diary. Cry, ask to be cleansed of pain or don’t …I’m not theistic but in my personal belief system I pray and before I broke up I made a system of rituals around it I do pretty religiously. Lean on this . Tell your friends what’s happening. If you’re like I was you haven’t been 100% real with your loved ones. Record conversations in voice memo . Don’t feel guilty. Listen to them later. Maybe Show it to a friend of therapist you trust if you sense there’s abuse. Journal your feelings. Screenshot things that just don’t sit well. Even covert Abuse can cause you to forget things. I wake up every morning with anxiety so I put my hand on my heart and stomach every morning to calm myself. When you leave sleep with a heated pad and Weighted blankets. So you feel hugged. Become a detective of your own dreams and yourself . Literally squeeze your chest when the pain hurts . Lots of tea. Cry whenever you need to get in your car drive and just cry . Body scan meditation , learn grounding meditations or diagrammatic breathing. Write down your dream life. I even started doing this with that ex for just 5 minutes-obv he resisted and thought it was pointless . Start small and Set 5m goals of each thing. Do yoga….. work out a little every day like RUclips 5 m standing workout or dance and just do it for 5 minutes if you can. Drink magnesium.always have something calm playing like rain ambience, sound baths, or something soothing. Write down every way that person has hurt you and add to it…. Then re read it. Write letters to everyone you won’t send, or do I don’t care. Humming is a great way to regulate or let out that exasperated scream you’re repressing ! When you’re ruminating listen to affirmations for letting go of toxic relationships or for self worth or whatever. Listen to music that matches your feelings.cry, then listen to something that makes you dance to move the energy into the beyond ❤ Once your feel okay, ask yourself why you stay? Why can’t you be alone? Become responsible for how you feel and realize you will can’t control him. Dare to imagine yourself happy without him . Dare every day. This situation has likely been traumatizing so It starts in you healing your body then your mind not the either way around. Something that’s helped me get by 2 months NC
This is the best relatiomship advice for women and men that I've ever heard!! Great information and it really works when both partners do the necessary work to have a loving, mature, respectful, and successful relationship! 😊
Jimmy, I know you intend these posts for people in couples-type relationships and that's great. I wish I had seen them when I was married. But if one thinks about it, a lot of this advice works with other relationships as well, parent to child, sibling to sibling, friend to friend, etc. Thank you for creating these videos. Thank you, Emily, for also being vulnerable because if you weren't then Jimmy could not do what he's doing without great damage to YOUR relationship. Blessings on you both! Thank you so very much. Thank you.
I love my girl so much but she doesn’t believe it’s love . Nothing I do is good enough and myself am not good enough for her to her. We never resolve anything . Things just get ignored . This videos fits us to a T. I hope we can fix things . I can’t imagine life without her . She’s my world . I wish I was her world too .
I interpreted his stonewalling as lacking empathy and being cold and indifferent. I never imagined there was pain behind it. 😢 PS. Thank you for this video. We can heal our relationship and not make divorce lawyers rich!!
Someone else was recognizing they did the stonewalling thing and said they felt really helpless when they did it. They didnt' know what else to do, so they shut down, and felt like a failture for doing that.
I wrote it in another comment bevor, but that's me. I'm an expert stonewaller because that's the only way my parents allowed me to handle conflict. Respond to what they are saying -> don't talk back. Leave the situation -> don't run away. Eventually I realised that just sitting/standing there and waiting until they are done was the most effective way to get them to leave me alone. Bulling in school didn't help, since ignoring the bullies was also the best thing I could do. Now I'm in my late 20s and never had a relationship. Partly because I'm scared. I'm not able to deal with conflict or to communicate my needs, feelings and boundaries. I feel helpless and anxious every time someone wants to have "a talk". Even at work when my boss calls me into his office my heart rate goes up instantly. Even when I *know* what it is most likely going to be about, I still go through everything that happened in the last few weeks, trying to prepare for any mess up they could bring up. Basically every time I won't be able to stonewall my way out, I have to fight back tears because I don't want to be part of the "conversation" and I feel helpless because there is no way to get out. Of course I want to be able to talk to my partner. I want to be able to resolve a conflict in a way both of us can live with. I simply can't
@@asafoetidajones8181 A lot of it could be. Stonewalling can also be used by those that truly don't care and lack empathy. We do have to figure out the difference. It's good to give the person the benefit of the doubt and not assume. But we also can't assume we're dealing w/ someone who cares either.
@@asafoetidajones8181maybe. But it’s no one else’s responsibility to work on their issues besides themselves. How much understanding you should have about some else’s struggle really all depends on the situation.
I'm at the stonewalling point. I'm done with him yelling at me and when I try to tell him how I'm feeling he shuts me up and walks out. So yes, I stonewall to protect myself.
This is the same for me. Not so much yelling at me but stonewalling me and blaming me for everything. I can’t reason with him, I’m too sensitive etc. then when I put how I feel to the side he disrespects, embarrasses me, or hurt me somehow. I stonewall to protect myself. Every time I open my heart it gets broken.
Same for me. My girlfriend goes from 0 - 100 in an instant. She can get triggered easily as an anxious type and her default is fight or flight. She floods me emotionally and the only thing I can do is stonewall. When I try and counter, I just fumble my words which - of course - makes it worse. Its a bad cycle.
@@robertgoldstein7489 I am in the process of dealing with my husband's verbal attacks and other narcissistic abuse by slipping away to another room or go outside or sit in my car, drive away and do something I enjoy. When he huffs off I enjoy the time alone doing what I like to do.
Wow this is exactly what my wife and I are working through right now. This should be taught to everyone at a young age and it would help so many people. Jimmy, you should have your own talk show doing this stuff. Thank you and keep up the awesome content.
How to conduct healthy, balanced relationships is something that can be taught. But honestly, in a world where throughout human history, women have been treated as 2nd class citizens, owned by their husbands as mere chattels, without any rights or recourse to the law until late into the 20thC for many, is it any wonder that men, in particular, don't know how to conduct relationships in a loving, kind way? Jimmy is really the first man ever, who gets it & who is now taking on the monumental task of dismantling destructive, patriarchal methods in relationships, that extracted obedience from wives & children through fear, threats of being thrown out on to the streets, which meant social disgrace, ostracism, shame, embarrassment & poverty. This was the outccome for women, no matter their family's economic status, until well into the 20thC, when laws began to change. Divorce became acceptable & women walked out of marriages in their droves. People laughed at "Women's Lib" & today you really can't find another ideology with a worse reputation amongst women themselves, thanks to a carefully conducted backlash from Capitalists imo. Yet the movement in the 60s fought for some very essential rights & woke up a lot of women to the carrfully constructed helplessness they were in. The subsequent backlash didn't really help anyone either. Women might have entered the workplace, but what they found there & still do, were glass ceilings & sexual harassment on a grand scale. #MeToo highlighted a new streng5h in young women finally to stand together & fight, leading to criminalisations & convictions, but there's so much more work to be done, exposing the methods men use to "keep women in their place.." & that's what Jimmy is doing. It starts with fixing our relationships & examining what genuine love relationships look like & how the parties behave in them. If parents cant treat each other with respect & kindness, they won't be able to treat their children well enough for those children to learn how to treat others - & eventually their own partners - well either. We've all been caught up in relentless circles of disrespect, bad attitudes & old, outmoded ways of relating to each other. I sincerely hope Jimmy can help us to stop the rot in time. I would like to leave this world a far, far better place for all our daughters & sons, at long, long last.
You may have intended to speak on this for persons in romantic relationship but I can see this for all relationships be it parent/child, friendships and or social group relationship. This is really insightful!
This is the most wildly informative video I have listened to. It has really helped me bring compassion to myself and him inside the conflict we had yesterday. It was a terrible fight and disconnect. It was like this marriage goodbye.
I’m a woman and I stonewall because trying to communicate with my husband is impossible. He twists everything to make himself the victim and tries to make me look like I’m crazy. So I just don’t bother anymore. And honestly I have stopped caring about trying to bring him back to the actual issue. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He takes zero accountability for his actions and has zero respect for my feelings. It’s better to not even talk than to just argue about an issue that is not even the real issue. After some time he apologizes for HOW I REACTED and not even his own behavior and we just move on until next time. There is never a real resolution. I am in therapy and have learned a lot of great skills. He makes no effort.
@@crystalcutch5569 after 20 years of being gas lit as well as self gaslighting and finding justifications for the behavior just to allow the problem to perpetuate at the cost of my mental health I'm going to go on and say sure... but sometimes a duck is in fact a duck. We look for the zebras because we are pot committed and in love with the potential being we have created in our minds. But potential doesn't pay the proverbial bills. Sure sometimes you have a zebra rather than a horse. Sometimes what is quaking isn't a duck. But more often than not the answers are based in the facts we are excusing away.
The reason I stonewall is because I do not feel valued, I don’t feel heard. I realize this is low-level maturity and am thankful for a patient wife. :). We are working through this…thanks for your help Jimmy!
You should change your perspective, too. You used a bunch of I this and I that, but then said “we” are working through it. No, YOU should work on YOU first and foremost.
When my husband stonewalls, I don't feel valued or heard. 🤷 It's extremely destructive and sets up bitterness and resentment, which is also a marriage killer.
Fix it before she leaves. I was the patient wife too for over a decade, until my patience ran out. I silently emotionally disconnected then left him. No amount of talking to him about how painful this was changed it. He’s the king of stonewalling and revenge now. He uses it as a weapon anytime he can. He’s sick and sadistic.
You're not working on anything. I'd you do it and know you're doing it, you're making excuses. There is nothing to work on. You're just either a narcissist or sociopath or borderline
I do it when frustration reaches max level and the other person starts "talking in circles." When it seems like they just want to argue for the sake of arguing. I don't want to play the game anymore. Shut down.
Thank you SO much for this video 💚 its so well articulated. And you take so much care to make the person doing the stonewalling know that they dont have to agree. That valuing the persons feelings is not agreeing with them. As someone whose mother stonewalled, who did so by packing her bags and driving away somewhere unknown for days at a time and didn't pick up the phone, stonewalling is EXTREMELY tramatic to me, and its SO hard to get friends/partners to understand that what could be a simple silent treatment to them is excurtiatingly reigniting that trama. I hope to send this to 2 people right now. Not to try and change them or "make them see how Im right" but hopefully so they know how much pain Im in when I feel silenced and abandoned. Thank you again so much 💚
This video really explained why my own partner from overseas has been stonewalling me. I pray things will get better between us despite the long distance relationship 🤲🏻
Truly the best, most empathetic explanation I’ve heard on this topic. But I do have a question, and apologize if I missed the answer among your other videos. As the partner of a stonewaller, I struggle with wanting to support him but also being told every time I bring something up (no matter how small) that he feels like he’s not good enough. I of course never want him to feel this way, but after it being the response to every single comment I make explaining my feeling or needs, it gets hard for me to provide the empathic and accepting response you explained in this video. It’s reached a point where the “nothing I do is good enough” response has become a defensive trigger for me because it signals that he’s unwilling to hear what I have to say and I, once again, need to prioritize his feelings and discomfort above my own (it’s also taught me over the years that it’s emotionally unsafe for me to bring up what I’m feeling). How do I validate his experience and discomfort without feeling like my own needs and concerns have been pushed to the back burner because they cause him pain?
And my husband will continually say, "I DONT CARE". After 4 years of hearing he doesn't care, It is time for me just move on. He left more than 2 weeks ago, because punishment is his MO. It's been the most stress free I've been in 4yrs of marriage. I have more hurt, pain, resentment than I do love. I'm 51yrs old, a remarried widow and I won't live like this another year. Never in my 25yrs of marriage with my late husband did I experience this. I dont need it because i was at the point of pure rage just at the sound of his breathing.
a secure person after numerous tries to communicate with a DA, will eventually give up when the secure finds its no longer worth the effort. respect ourselves to have our own boundaries. a relationship is a 2 way street. if the DA chooses to remain indignant, its time for them to reflect on their thoughts by themselves..alone. my best wishes to all the non DAs. find your person who can reciprocate what you do for them.
100% true. Nothing hurts more than when you bring something up and they just ignore you... makes you think why should I even bother when they clearly don't want to.
After a conflict the other day with my partner, I looked up on TikTok “shutting down during conflict” and your video popped up. From that video alone, I started crying. Then I came to watch the full video and I cried even more. I wrote down what you said to say and I plan to call them and tell them as soon as possible because I want to fix my relationship. Thank you so so much
🙌👏👏 knocked it out of the park, Jimmy! You gave me a lot of insight that I've been looking for (as the wife of an avoidant), and you just keep bringing the gold!✨ Your videos have been incredible, and this is the most eye-opening one yet.
This is wonderful, thank you. The examples of how to articulate things in the tactful way really help someone like me who hasn't really been given the best blueprint for relationships. One thing I will say after 20 some years of therapy is that positive self-talk like you suggest does not work as well for me to reduce my reactive hurtful responses as Ive learned my reactions in relationships come from a lot of trauma. I've had to do a lot of somatic work to get any relief there. This includes things like TRE and EMDR.
This video was so helpful for me. I've been shutting down for decades in the face of any difficult emotional decision, and it's on the verge of ruining my marriage. I've finally accepted that it is a problem I need to work through and am starting therapy. So many things you said resonated with me, from how I feel inside when I'm behind the wall, to connections with the past. Thank you for giving me hope that I can work on this behavior and live a better life and be a better partner for my best friend.
It’s an emotional response, a reaction. Someone has to practice fighting against it but I wouldn’t take it too personal when someone does this. It’s not about you. Everyone has things they’re not in control of otherwise we would all be perfect. It’s our job and choice to leave, stay, or set boundaries to protect ourselves- let’s stop blaming avoidants. If all other attachments would have boundaries or leave, more avoidants would eventually get it instead of playing victim.
Everyone that blames anyone else is playing the victim one way or another. When we take 💯 responsibility about how we think, feel and act, blaming disappears.
This segment… Although it is the exact description of myself and my currently now ex, I see it now. You are so incredibly correct on both sides. I thank you for this information. It may not help what I’m going through now but it will help me in my future relationships. Thank You. (I’m forwarding this to him also in hopes that it will help him for his future as well)
It's really not. It's hurtful and it seems like the person doesn't care, but if they feel intense emotions and don't want to say things they'll regret, they have every right to set boundaries and go to sleep to cool off and think about it rationally when they wake up. I obsess over things and want to resolve conflicts immediately, however, not everyone is like me, and we all have to respect other people's boundaries
Oh my gosh I love you!! Never thought I’d ever hear a man say such things!!! If you have not already please please give us a video advising the passive aggressive husband who refuses to compromise, adjust hurtful behaviors, only follows through on 90% of what was said yes to, says yes to end the request knowing he has no intention to, then when kindly confronted responds with replies such as “all you want to do is fight, stop picking on me, I just can’t help it, I didn’t do it on purpose”
Wow! I’m so glad I came over here to find you and support your ability to do these. Your snippets were powerful but this full, cohesive thought is beautiful! This whole video is brilliant. I saw bits and pieces of myself and my husband interwoven throughout. I’m going to send it to him. Thank you for this.
You are quite a treasure! I'm grateful to have found you and am sending this excellent video to someone who is stuck. Because you speak directly to them, and you're kind and clear delivery, it's a brilliant tool for us in those relationships! Thank you! Many blessings and deep Gratitude 🙏🏼🤗
My partner stonewalls me often. I do not feel safe in bringing up anything that upsets me. The worst part is I get louder when he stonewalls. I know that the relationship is unhealthy and that it is time to call it quits.
There goes Jimmy, reading my mail. As someone who developed an Avoidant Attachment style because of childhood wounds, this is hitting home. Because of it, I've had difficulty letting people in, even the one I love the most. Thankfully, I've healed a lot and I'm learning a lot about how to let in my S/O. Not just from this creator, but also other quality relationship advice. Thank you for what you do. You've said you're not a professional but sharing from learned experience, and I appreciate it.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
I go very silent when I'm upset or during conflict, it's not because I want to hurt anyone but because I want to process my feelings properly (which can sometimes take a while) and get to a place where I can think logically before discussing what ever the topic is. I find it easier to talk through hard topics calmly when I've had time to cool down and often I come to the realisation that it isn't a big deal after all, or I come to understand my partners perspective and it's easier to work on. I did have to explain my process to my partner because from the outside it does look like stonewalling, and if we are leading into an argument I let them know that we will talk about it but I just need some time to mull things over. I find that this works for me in my relationships, there are never any fights or very heated discussions - the issues are just talked through later (a few hours or the next day). This response suits me well in my professional life too. I suppose it could come across as cold, but I'd rather this route of delayed communication than having arguments where we say hurtful things in the heat of the moment that we don't truly mean.
What if your partner uses this too much? Like… every time there’s a serious discussion, they use “walking away” to get out of not speaking about what needs to be addressed.
Run ! I learned this waaaaaay too late in my relationship, 15 years too late, but past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. They will never change. They just can't, and you will always be the villain in the relationship in their eyes.
I'm learning that my friend doesn't fall under the regular suspicions of being neglected. His condition requires a different approach. I want to learn the appropriate way to communicate with him to make our bond stronger
The trouble I have is in giving my partner that time and expressing that he was triggered and I would give him that time he would never come back and talk. He stonewall me for 10 months. I would share with him some of the triggers I saw, and he would just fight back. And there was physical violence against me and I finally had to leave now we’re in a very bitter angry divorce on his side. I just wanna be safe and I want to be free. 35 out of 37 years of neglect abandonment anger from him, and as long as I gave him sex, he was fine. When perform to his level, that’s when he threw me away. I really get a lot out of your videos Jimmy and I appreciate them very much! I’m in counselling and therapy and I’m getting help. I still love him but it’s not reciprocated..
Cool video, My relationship of 6 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor FATHER ABULU who helped me bring him back
amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him
His name is fatherabulu, and him is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex...
Fatherabulu, has incredible powers, and he can assist you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked he up now online. impressive
Jimmy, I was sent TikTok link “Shutting down during conflict” during a conflict with my wife. I watched it and then searched for more of your videos on RUclips. Within minutes, I was in tears and then had to stop the video at 16 minutes. I went downstairs, asked my wife to stand up and we embraced as I broke down into tears again. I just wanted to share my experience, as I had been completely unable to show any emotion during this time and I really hope this is the start of turning things around.
I’ve yet to watch the remainder of the video, this is the only video I’ve ever commented on, on RUclips, just wanted to say thanks.
❤
Hey are the AVOIDANT?
@@thedropoutfarmer3128 I am. I’m working my way through it. Using the assertive 3 F’s to get me back on track.
Continue to learn more and heal. You are worthy of feeling and being free.
Best of luck on your healing journey, may you continue to heal and grow together. ❤️
Avoidants make healthy partners feel like our basic needs are too much.
Any healthily attached partner who can remain healthy after being stonewalled, dismissed, severed, and ignored by avoidants has real strength, real emotional maturity, and was not the problem in the relationship. Despite being made to so feel.
Thank you for saying this 😢
Thank you so much for saying this
Thank you I really needed to read this today
goes all the way back to childhood. I never married (was too scared of replaying my childhood), but attracted friends like this, and it was just like home :( I bond to people who hurt me.
thank you. I was upset with my avoidant ex a few days ago and he literally ghosted me for days and then broke up with me over text. It was the most devastating thing ive ever been in. I had been waiting days to discuss my feelings and fix the situation but then he just abandoned me like that. After watching all these videos i better understand him and realized that i need someone who is emotionally mature and wont put up walls like this.
Stonewalling can be a dishonest power move used by someone who has no intention of rectifying the situation at hand, and just wants their partner to drop the subject. That's a WIN for them.
I have gone through that very recently. We were not married so I knew this was not going to be a good relationship, especially when the issue was about some of his other destructive ways that he had zero intention of working on in in the relationship.
or 'punish' the feeler/empath in the relationship
this is sooo trueeee
in my opinion I think this kind of behaviour which invalidates the feeling makes me like I am the last person on this earth who is important to him
Thissss!
sometimes is not safe to speak up. because they feel attacked by anything said to them.
If they perceive everything as an attack, the issue is not everyone but the avoidant
They make sharing your feelings and concerns so frustrating that silence is preferable. And once you prefer silence from a partner they start wondering why they even *have* you in their life.
Then they need to take accountability and challenge their attachment style and thinking. Become better communicators. Stop blaming everyone else for their behavior like you did in this comment.
That helped me understand his behaviour and have more empathy for him. With that being said I'm still leaving this relationship as it's starting to become harmful for my mental health. I work on myself and go to therapy. I do my best to communicate effectively, be calm non judgemental and thoughtful yet I still don't see any improvement on his side. Relationship can't be one-sided 😢
You have to offer everything to yourself first... Once you figure out what you desire for others.. You must become what you seek. You cannot give externally without already having given to yourself internally. We cannot pour from empty cups.. But we will also soon learn to discern Who to give our focus and attention to.. After we've created value within ourselves in whatever way works for us... Detaching from the covertly narcissistic parent... or parents.. or siblings.. And typically its the one you would least expect..(if not all).. And then the friends you've had a long time will likely be very similar..
That detouching will allow you to see why you energetically attracted the same thing in a spouse. We can only attract the same frequency that we are at... When we focus on ourselves unconsciously raising our own frequency, Amazing transformations happened❤
Isn't it so ironic & interesting that we were supposed to learn to understand our behavior.. And have more empathy for ourselves😀
We are accountable for everything that has ever occurred in our lives.. That's how powerful we are.. So we are the generators of whatever we want too consciously create.. We are the directors of the movie.. We can choose the Cast, Plot, Location, and actors😉
When we recognize everything around us as a mirror and are conscious of our thoughts about others, We bring it right back to us and start questioning the same things about ourselves.. And therein lies your power & insight.. For rapid transformational healing and evolvement.❤
@@jenifernadeauI agree. I am in that process now. Basically learning that all my relationships both romantic and friendships I attracted narcissistic people. Also my immediate family were my biggest cross. Now I'm detaching but while doing so I don't have anyone left who's really close to me and I think I'm not able to attract anyone anymore as my life completely changed and that joy of life I used to had pretty much disappeared with all those relationship ordeals.
I’ve gone through the same thing with a Dismissive Avoidant partner. My esteem started eroding because the 4 horsemen were happening to me weekly; daily in the case of criticism. It was like slow torture. Totally wild. We broke up and I’m healing now. I send you love and all the best.
Gone through the same thing. Let’s focus on growth. I like being vulnerable and need a partner (if I ever get one) to be the same. Be well ✌️
I think this is a point that might help: Anxious attachments need vulnerability in order to feel safe. Whereas Avoidants need to feel safe before they can be vulnerable. In my experience, a lot of miscommunication can happen because of this contrast in safety attachment. If an anxious person pushes vulnerability on the avoidant to feel secure, the avoidant will feel unsafe. In cases when people struggle to open up, what helps is listening intently to what little the persons says and then acting upon it. By listening and acting upon what is said makes an avoidant know they are heard and that their feelings matter. In the beginning of a relationship, this will speak more than gifts, lot of attention, or overly emotional messages.
Yes, that's totally true. However, let's say one has done so and the avoidant recognizes this. At what point is the other person supposed to start giving a little as well? At what point is the avoidant supposed to go a bit far and beyond to share or show some vulnerability or emotion to cover fraction of your own needs?
@@niriida1 It all comes to if they feel the anxious person is someone they can rely on or feel safe with. I have met good people who have let their trauma rule their lives and are blind to how it hurts others. This video explains a lot that can happen: ruclips.net/video/VebnGu6gSnw/видео.html
Those who choose who acknowledge the hurt and work on themselves to be the person they want to be I find to be more secure and can maintain healthy relationships. This is not a battle of Anxious and Avoidants, it is about both being people who fight personal trauma so healthy relationships can grow.
@@niriida1My thoughts exactly. When you've been in a relationship over 20 years and realize the entire thing has been superficial and has never had any real depth or true connection.
Ouff that hits loud 🙌🏼
Wow.. this was everything I needed to know
You forgot the abuse caveat on this one, Jimmy. I would shut down and stare at the floor when my husband would stand threateningly over me and yell at me. I wasn’t allowed to speak, and I wasn’t allowed to leave. When he figured out he could label that as Stonewalling, he gained a new tool to act like I was responsible for our marriage problems. He loved to remind me that stonewalling was one of Gottman’s four horsemen of divorce. My attempts at being vulnerable and engaged only allowed him to hurt me more. I DO need to work on being more securely attached instead of anxious or avoidant, but he is not a safe person for that.
EDITED TO ADD: I had no idea this comment would become so popular! The number one response I'm getting from people who aren't empathizing is basically: "What you are describing is Grey Rock, not Stonewalling. Therefore, Jimmy did not need to add an abuse caveat to this video, because those are two different things." To save myself from replying to every comment, I will write this:
If you haven't been abused by a partner, you don't know what it's like. We don't know we are being abused for the whole relationship. Abusers aren't stupid; they know they need to start off hooking you in with love-bombing, and then sneakily and gradually push and test your boundaries, as well as slowly break you down and try to alter reality. Sometimes they do something sudden and obvious, but with covert narcissistic abuse in particular, it's generally slow and sneaky. When we start to wonder why things aren't so great anymore, we don't just go, "Oh! I'm being abused!" and leave. We generally love this person and want to make the relationship work, and anyone we talk to will usually recommend couples counselling and various other relationship tools. We try them, one by one. If we are Christians, the Church tells us "God hates divorce!", suggests that suffering is part of the Christian life, states that we are all sinners in need of grace, and the most conservative branches will also remind a wife that it is her duty to submit to her husband no matter what (and that this will glorify God). So we try and try and try and try. To my point, we look up marriage advice videos LIKE THIS ONE on RUclips. If there is no warning that this advice will NOT WORK when you are in an abusive relationship, we just accept that our partner is right and we are the problem, because we shut down in fights, and therefore our stonewalling is wrecking the relationship and making our partner angry/hurt/whatever. When there is abuse in a relationship, ALL STANDARD RELATIONSHIP ADVICE BECOMES WRONG. In fact, it is usually the opposite of what one should do.
I do now know I was not stonewalling. I figured out I was being abused, got my own therapy, got stronger, got a job, have left my abusive husband, and live on my own in relative safety. I'm trying to heal. But at the time, I did believe him. It was his therapist who told him I was stonewalling, after all. Wouldn't a relationship expert know more than me? I even tried to double-check by asking a university professor I happened to meet. I asked, "What if we stop talking because that's our defense mechanism and we don't know what else to do?" He confirmed to me that that was still stonewalling, because regardless of my reason, the effect on the other person was the same. Maybe if I had described the whole situation better he would have answered differently, but I wasn't going to divulge anything in a group setting of people I didn't even know, so his response just confirmed I was doing things wrong. So YES, marriage advice videos and podcasts and blogs need abuse caveats!
Hopefully that covers most future comments. Thank you for reading this far. =) If anyone else is in similar circumstances to mine, look up Lundy Bancroft, Dr. David E. Clarke, and Natalie Hoffman. They are Life Savers.
You’re absolutely right, tomorrows video will be about just that :(
Totally understand this
"stonewalling" is called "grey rock" when your in a narcissistic relationship and it's one of the only defenses that someone going thru narcissistic abuse has. So this seems like another victim blaming video, giving narcissists ammo to abuse and excuses to hide from their actions.
@@jozefelizondo2135No I don't agree though..
Going grey rock just means" being boring."
It means deliberately not talking about your successes, a promotion or a new car, weight loss, or anything that might be going on in your life, And especially not anything that might be troublesome.. That you got a parking ticket, Et cetera.. Keep it about mundane things and keep it neutral.. That's what grey 🪨 rock is..
It gives them no ammo or information about yourself.. But you also have to make sure you have friends That you absolutely & completely trust.. Or just don't say anything to your friends/ family either.. Till they reveal themselves to be completely loyal.. Because the narcissist will have expert ways of getting information from your friends about any little thing in regards to you.. going grey rock means keeping busy , Go create and do something you love, Don't make comments Negatively or positively around anybody who could report things back to your narcissist..
. Of course, this is all to be done while you are learning to love yourself to get away from this personality type.. But anybody that you have dated will be representative of a parent that you are attempting to work things through from old childhood woundings..
focusing on healing the self and staying away from family/others That Are not authentic, & do not have your genuine best interests at heart..
You will find that most of your family are exactly like the person you are dating because it's What is familiar, But that doesn't mean it's healthy.. Re parenting ourselves in healthy ways and creating our true selves from scratch ... Is how we build the self, confidence and value And worth that parents could not teach us because they did not have it themselves .❤
If someone doesn't "allow "you to do something as an adult... It sounds like you need to get then physically removed from your presence via the law... You are a free sovereign being that needs permission from no one for anything..🇺🇸
But the Belief system that you got subconsciously programmed with comes from the family unit. The mother wound and/ or the father wound.
When we reparent ourselves in healthy ways that they could not do, Because they were running on their own subconscious programming and traumas, We create new stories to tell ourselves and new belief systems.. Which is our Divine right. ❤
There's a quote in Hindi. Let me translate it for you, "Get upset enough with someone to make them realize your absence, but don't get so upset that they learn to live without you."
Itne meethe mat bano ki koi chat jaye itne kadve mat bano koi thuk jaye?
And how does one accomplish that ??
So, how much absence is enough absence but not too much in the early stages of a relationship? I wonder 🤔
@@mariespi96The amount that is right for your heart and soul. Your answer always lies within. Respect yourself and your feelings, put yourself first - ALWAYS.
You never realize what you have, until it's gone.
Avoidants avoid love to avoid hurt, and when they encounter reliable love are drawn to try to spoil it to prove to themselves it can't be real. They will hurt the people who show they care about them the most.
How I wish this wasn’t true.
Dang, this is what the person I'm with is going through for real.
Wow
You win the internet. That's the same exact thing that happened to me. My ex would do this all the time when she felt us getting close.
So true
This was the last thing I sent my, now ex, out of desperation after 4 years of this behaviour. You described everything EXACTLY... to an exact tee like you were there. It was unbelievable and made me cry to know I am not crazy.
I tried so hard to talk and empathize and 'fix it', until in the end I just had to save myself 💔
I know there are men capable of giving more than this. And that I deserved more.
If you're crying every day because your relationship is this way, please realize those tears are because you're upset at yourself - because you know the truth is, they aren't about to change... and that you're deceiving yourself.
Empower yourself with that thought. Smile and be free.
I could have written this myself. Thank you for sharing. I hope you find the partner you deserve.
@@jasmineofearth Thank you so much. I am enjoying loving myself for now and perhaps that will follow. I'm just so much happier! I wish you the best on your journey as well 😇
Thank you. I just sent this and also exited. Painful but not as much as this behavior. There’s only so much empathy and compassion to where it becomes self-sacrificing and that’s not healthy.
Exactly the same for me except that I am the man and she was stonewalling, 4 years of relationship coming to an end, where i lost my self confidence argument after arguments trying to make her open up and being vulnerable and understanding that expressing my feelings about some things that are not okey doesn’t mean I am attacking her or wanting to change who she is.
Jimmy basically described my life word for word.
Feeling less alone now that i see i am not the only one.
@Alixir1228if someone judge you by skin color or excess skin, that’s their problem not yours. I’m very proud of you you lost tons of weight(If it’s a positive thing for you and your health), your excess skin is a result of your hardwork. Don’t sell you to a cheapest bidder
It’s comforting to see how many people in the comments also struggled with this. People are quick to label you as narcissistic or toxic but the reason why I developed this mechanism was because I came from a volatile emotionally-immature household and was verbally abused at times. As a child I just wanted to avoid conflict and this mechanism helped me stay sane and feel like im protecting myself. However I’ve learned it has hindered my ability to healthily communicate and understand my emotions.
I’ve worked to be a healthier communicator and better understand what I’m feeling in the moment, but the partner I was with perpetually labelled me the problem and was abusive. So while im disappointed things fell apart instead of transformed, I learned valuable lessons that have made me grow as a more mature partner and person.
Anyone who is willing and working to be conscious and grow - I’m sending you love
♥️
I'm coming to that point again too. I had to end 10 yrs due to cheating. I should have ended it sooner, but didn't realize how bad it could get. I had tried better communication and showing more appreciation too. He made it seem like things were so bad for him, so I tried to meet him part way. I realized I was contributing to a toxic relationship too. Even though it was mostly him and a lot of people agreed that I lost a loser in the end, I still want to not fall into bad patterns that I did fall into. If I do ever get in a good relationship, I want to do better. I definitely don't want to get into a mindset where I feel entitled to have someone else make it up to me, because someone else put me through hell. It's just a matter of recovering from the last one.
I’m not so much glad as relieved to see tht I’m not the only one that went through this stuff and my defense mechanisms lead to some thinking I’m just a narcissist glad to figure ways I should correct and improve myself to maybe find true connections with others
@@quanguy8624just remember that by self-reflecting and watching such videos you're far from being narcissistic.
Yesyesyes
When I stonewall, I do feel very ashamed and mentally stuck because I don't know what my wife needs from me. I feel like a complete failure. I feel stupid for not addressing these issues before. I thought I was. I didn't know what I didn't know. Jimmy, spot on for me, and you shed a lot of light on my wife, also. I wish I could get her to communicate with me openly and honestly... and I with her. I am to the point, now where I should have been 5 years ago. I want to talk about our issues. I didn't know how before.
That’s great John, that you’re at this point now! Don’t beat yourself up too much, like you and Jimmy say: you didn’t know what you didn’t know. But you do now, and you’re making an effort to learn and grow, and that’s awesome! Keep at it! 💪🏽👏🏽
@@dvdh4856 I don't know why you care so much about a stranger, but thank you. I really appreciate your support. I believe my wife feels the same way, but she's too scared to show it. She's scared that if she shows me support, I'll stop trying to make progress, but that was the old me. I now love how it feels to learn more about myself. It's almost like a high. I can't get enough information now. Thanks again!
I like that comment too. “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.” There is so much to learn about relationships.keep trying different things and remember what works and keep doing them. Don’t fall back to old ways👍🏼
I don't know what I don't know; i use this all the time. I learned this when I first dabbled in picking wild mushrooms! Didn't think I'd read that on a stonewalling video 👌
we have choices, options, a mind, a body - say I need a break, give me ...... how long you need. Running away, silent treatment, just damages and trains the other person NOT to need you and NOT to want to discuss things with you
In the past, I was with someone who often treated me in a similar way. The turning point for me was taking time to really think about what I enjoyed in that relationship. To my surprise, I found very little that truly mattered to me. I realized what I really valued was the companionship of sharing meals, cuddling, and enjoying shows together. Then it hit me like a freight train-I could share those moments with anyone! Why endure such behavior from someone who resorts to silence and emotional withdrawal? It was then I decided to pursue what I truly deserved: loyalty, open communication, and real love. People who employ silence and withdrawal as tactics lack compassion and would behave the same with anyone, even if they were with the most glamorous and successful individuals. They are deeply flawed people who spread misery and are best left to face the consequences of their actions alone. It’s time to move on and find someone who will love, cherish, and respect you. Although it’s tough to leave, seeking a partner who truly values you is absolutely worth it.
Well done. I'm leaving too.
Really well said, I’m going on 10 days of completely no contact with someone who supposedly said they love me, want to marry me. I don’t even know what happened.
You are ill.
i screenshot this to come back to when i’m feeling down. thank you.
You said this so well. I just broke up with my DA and I’m reflecting also. I enjoyed his company however I wasn’t being satisfied and started cheating on him. I’m not proud of it. I knew I should’ve left a long time ago.
I'm literally bawling crying right now. It's been 9 months of the same argument. Any time I try to express anything to him that isn't absolute happiness, he stonewalls. When I tell him how much it hurts, he tells me I'm being hurtful by not accepting his need for space. I told him space is absolutely fine and gave him some ways to better communicate those needs but he says it's too hard, he says when he is angry, he isn't capable of that level of self control and I shouldnt expect it from him.
I'm so... Tired. I just want to feel heard. I'm so sad. I feel so alone.
Sounds like he needs therapy and you do to separate that is.
Ultimatum time
I don't know your situation that well and I have no idea who you are or your partner is.
From what you shared, it could mean he is emotionally immature to handle the situation or he has narcissistic tendencies.
I suggest therapy for him directly or counselling therapy. OR, and I agree with the other two commentators: tell him that you are feeling tired and unheard and that you can no longer do the emotional work in the relationship. If he doesn't try, it's time for a change - and decide what that change is FOR YOUR HEALTH AND SAFETY AND WELLBEING.
Sending you lots of hugs😢
You deserve to be seen and heard. ❤
I have listened to so many therapists and “professionals” describe this situation and your explanation is BY FAR the best. I feel seen ❤
This is so nice of you! I’m still a student but I want to figure it all out :)
Agreed! You describe my avoidant 72-year old spouse perfectly! After 25 years, I am ready to call it quits but came across this video today. We went to two sessions of marriage counseling where he was less than honest, to put it kindly. When the session was over, the male counselor literally wished my husband "luck" on the way home with my "Irish temper" in front of the receptionist and a waiting room full of people! Incredibly unprofessional and my husband just laughed. He's on his 2nd solo therapist now in two years and hasn't been honest. I found that out when I met with his counselor at his request last week. I'm going to email this video to my avoident spouse and see if he recognizes himself. He had a bad 1st marriage and your saying he was treating me like I was the enemy of his past, really hit home because that is what it feels like. He is punishing me for everything she did that hurt him. Seriously, if I hear one more "I don't know why I said that, did that, allowed that..." or him sitting there with his eyes closed, shaking his head, "No!", completely blocking me out, I may just call it quits. I'm living in the guest room at the moment and I feel like I'm trespassing in my own home to go get a bottle of water! 😢
This would have been my comment exactly! I showed my husband and said that this is what I want to say, but can't put into words. When he pulled into the driveway, he was listening to it before I could finish the video.
My bf stonewalls, I'm so tired of it for the last 9 years. I also know it's a trauma response due to his childhood trauma and his past. HOWEVER, He has also had repeated opportunities to better himself, get help, been shown/told his these things are destructive & hurtful to himself & our relationship. He has acknowledged these things and at every turn chosen to continue to stay on his path. Yet he still says i never intended to hurt you. Yaaaa. I don't think i can believe that anymore. It's absolutely a choice now.
BF for 9 years??? And who stone walls??
Girlllll...side eye.
It's time to go. 9 years is a long time for consistently receiving a failed behavior. He would rather feel "safe" then own the behavior in any way. My dad at 65+ still does this and chooses to live alone. He just can't do sharing a life and communicating normal in any way. So save yourself the time/energy. You tried.
9 years? Chile....Turn to Jesus.
😂😂@@danilaroche1156
You've been a girlfriend for 9 years? He's knows he's GOT you by tenderbits and you're not going anywhere so he's treats you exactly the way he wants to treat you. Because YOU don't believe that you deserve better. Time to wake up from this nightmare, quietly make a new plan and save yourself. Life is way too short to waste your time, energy and heart on someone who doesn't appreciate you as a person. Don't waste another second. It's time for you to GO.
I've tried to tell him to please see me, hear me n understand me countless times. He don't. I fell in love with someone who doesn't exist. My fault I've gone above n beyond while he gives less than basic. It's over. He will never be there for me, like me n the kids r there for him.i come out the hospital and still am going above n beyond, when I'm so tired, he gets so idk how to explain. Leaving the hospital I should not be cooking, cleaning, doing for my partner, I think he should be in a healthy way. When do I get a break. Please...This video hit deep. So deep. I've been lying to myself all these years. Hoping he grow but refuses. It's time for me to grow and walk away. I wish I didn't love so deep n hard n wish I had the strength to walk. Plz God... what a fool I am, yet sooooo fing smart.smh
Jimmy, you’re the only relationship coach out there that makes me feel safe because you speak to both sides and hold us all accountable. Thank you for the beautiful work you do.
So true. He's so emotionally intelligent, healthy and also has an amazing wig game 😂
Stonewalling was one of the main reasons for my divorce a few years ago. I was never heard, never validated..I felt alone in every hard situation. He used it as a control tool because he knew if he didn’t speak I’d take blame to reverse the silent treatment. It was awful and so psychologically abusive. I’m actually someone who is more on the avoidant end as well so I understand shutting down and have so much empathy for it..and unfortunately that was my problem. I allowed myself to be treated that way for so long and didn’t care enough about my needs. Still healing from divorce now and the effects of not being heard (I second guess myself constantly and fear being candid with any type of emotions).
same.
Same for me. Except I never really rebounded from the horrible marriage. I wish I had gotten out sooner. It damaged me far too much to ever figure out how to navigate a relationship. Not I am in a situationship. I am pretty avoidant now and don't really know how to do more for myself.
What you are describing is a person with a personality disorder, like a narcissist. I know, I'm a man and my wife is a narcissist. It's been a LONELY, abusive 29 years. No sex, no intimacy, no communication because she gives the silent treatment or Stonewalls. I could go on and on and on. I've tried for decades to work it out with her and she simply doesn't care. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around an individual that cannot understand common sense and human decency.
"I don't know" was on repeat
along with I'm fine
OH MAN SAME. so tired. idkidkidkidkidk. ok then what do i do when you don't know anything...
It makes it impossible to help and that makes for a very anxious attachment
@@olechkaagapovait’s the most exhausting thing.
I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. My husband (an otherwise gentle and kind person but terribly avoidant with lots of unhealed past hurt) watched it, then watched it again and is now demonstrating his commitment to stop stonewalling. I'd like to see him address some of those past hurts, but I guess that is his journey. This is a powerful video.
He truly loves you. Happy for him and for your relationship 🙌🏼
The I’m p
I sent my avoident husband this video and am hoping he recognizes himself. I am not the enemy of his past - his ex wife - but he has made me pay for every awful thing she did to him. I met him three years after their divorce. However, even after 20 years together and 15 years of marriage, I was not allowed to go to his daughter's engagement party and have never met his ex. He has a lot of unresolved issues with her, more than I even knew. After 25 years, I'm done taking it and he knows it. I don't even know if what I thought we had existed. 😢
This was very insightful. I struggle with stonewalling my husband any time there is a conflict. He has been able to explain to me how it hurts him and I've been trying to do better at continuing to communicate through a conflict. I am much better than I used to be. But you're right, it does feel like I'm always the one with the problem and I do feel ashamed and scared and like a failure. I feel like I genuinely don't know what to say most of the time because I don't think anything will be good enough. It's something we're working through and I'm very glad to have stumbled across this video. It's helpful just having more language to describe what's going on.
I'm sure just having you try, even when the words weren't perfect, was a huge relief for him.
9 years…
Oh my goodness. This is exactly my situation. We could talk for hours😊
Wow, this is so uplifting, it’s important to stay inspired.
I feel a deep sense of emptiness, it’s been 2months since jack left and everyday feels like an eternity without him.
My mind’s been flooded with memories of our time together. It’s so painful that I’d never get to experience the little things with him again.
I’ve texted him several times telling him how much I miss and want him sadly he replied none. Guess all I can do is just hold unto the memories.
It’s ok to grieve dear It’s clear that you’re not just missing jack but a part of yourself that you shared with him. Your message to him is a testament to the love you still have for him. It’s takes courage to be that vulnerable. It’s ok to feel the pain of heartbreak but don’t loose hope.
My own heart break story is one of devastation . It was sudden and brutal leaving me lost. Desperate for solace and guidance, I reached out to a spiritual counselor who was recommended by a friend for help.
That sounds intriguing, I’m curious what exactly does the spiritual counselor do?
His name is fatherabulu and he's an amazing spiritual counselor who specialize in helping people reconnect with their ex
I’m grateful for your suggestion, you have no idea how much this means to me.
My husband’s been watching your videos with me. He just said, “The Army didn’t issue me feelings.” 😂 They didn’t issue him anxiety and depression, either, but they gave it to him anyway. - Thanks for helping give us better communication techniques to continue working together to work towards another 20 years.
his issues came before the military
@@jac1161 he loves fireworks before his deployments, now he has to be gone during the times of year when they’re being shot off. That’s 100% from daily mortar attacks during 24 months in various countries during the conflicts he was engaged in.
this is a good response because it shows he’s aware and knows himself
@@jac1161it doesn’t matter we’re always working with people right now, not in the past.
@@jac1161 52 months of deployments in war zones and his personality from when we were first married to when his personality started changing says this is incorrect. While it’s true that people bring issues with them before going into the military, not every issue is something they brought with them.
I really love your outlook on stonewalling. To my husband's defense, I know exactly why he does it. It still hurts me, but when people tell me I need to "leave him" because he does this, it irritates me. They don't know or understand his past pain...why he is the way he is... Someone REALLY hurt your spouse to the point where it completely changed their ability to be able to react normally to "normal" life situations. It's literally SO sad! I know he and I need to work through this, because the "wall" goes on for days on end and it's really damaging to our marriage, but he's more important to me than the issues we face, and I'm willing to work with him on it. ❤
I love this so much. I always want to make sure to reiterate we can have empathy for their past and still lovingly hold them accountable to not hurting us with their old coping strategies to keep themselves safe Ya know? We can do both :)
I’m very sorry. Pray you find a way to help him or find peace in your situation if not.
I wish i still had that much empathy left for my husband w stonewalling. It’s been hell for me.
@allisonb.8492 Oh, it's definitely literal hell. But even when we fight, I just look at him with so much love and sadness because I know he is the way he is because he was treated so badly.
This is also a possible great trap and an excuse for him not changing his behavior. So many people are stuck in abusive or hurtful relationships because fully grown adults use their sad childhoods as an excuse to treat their partner badly, and have no real incentive to change or work on it. And usually, they find empaths that feel so sorry for them the way you do and have so much faith that their love will change them. If your friends are telling you to leave him, that is a very important sign you should not ignore. They might see reality way better than you. They might see you giving so much love to this person and not getting any love back. There is a difference in a person saying they want to work on it and actually working on it and seeing progress. I don't know your situation, I'm just warning you because i have seen so many people suffer for love for years in hopes of better days that didn't come. @@bobbysusanthompson9117
I shut down after a long conflict, after feeling not heard or understood, after being vulnerable and my words getting twisted und not heard. I shut down when the conversation goes in circles and I get blamed for everything. When it feels like a yelling match that brings no results. It seems safer and wiser to shut down. I want to go to my partner and apologize for invalidating his feelings and show the video to him but I'm afraid that it will be weaponized and another reason to blame me for our problems.
That doesn’t sound like a safe relationship :(
That's my current situation to a tee.
@@JimmyonRelationships then what does it sound like?
Exactly, conversation just leads to anger - anger to blame or the classic ‘maybe I should just kill myself then huh?’ To any hint or request change/help. Worse than communicating with a middle schooler
Same here.
I think this is a great video! The ONLY problem I have with this video is to remind someone who leaves the conversation and "says" they will come back at a certain time TO KEEP THEIR WORD. That does not mean that they have to return to a toxic conversation. If more time is needed you still have that option. I have just witnessed so many avoidants saying they need time and will return but just want to use those words as a tool to avoid. I hope this makes sense.
I was thinking the same. If an avoidant is stonewalling you and you tell them you can’t take that and prefer to continue the conversation later, isn’t that just playing into their cards, as in the conversation is avoided at that very moment.
THIS! If you say you need 30 minutes to calm down, then set a timer and come back when you say you will. Otherwise anytime you say “I need 30 minutes to calm down” or “can we talk about this later/tomorrow?”, the other person will know you’re just trying to avoid the conversation and you have no intention of coming back to it, which just tells them they should give up on being heard. Do not make the other person bring the conversation up again!
As an Avoidant, it's even hard to not take these videos personally. It's the hard truth when you realize you have a problem that you need to work on. I've gone 31 years not realizing I have a problem...
Its only up from here, thanks for putting in the work, your future partners will thank you
Jimmy, I respectfully ask (beg) you to write a book. The way you speak and present the information is easier for the common person to relate to and understand. Please!? ❤🙏🏻❤❤
I was sent your video today (15/11/23) by my partner, who unfortunately is over 2,000 kms away from me for this exact reason. We’ve been apart for around 20 months and trying to work everything out. It’s been difficult as I hear her but don’t always understand her. This was very raw and real listening to you and actually very emotional for me. I’m not afraid to say my eyes were leaking. I need to thank her and you, as this is what I really needed to hear as you have my exact same story. I will watch this again and probably again as a continuous reminder, so I can learn to heal myself, grow and hopefully grow my relationship into something beautiful. Thank you Jimmy!
This is so helpful. I genuinely had no idea my avoidant behaviour was so hurtful. I just don’t feel safe enough to speak up during a discussion. I just got into a new relationship and I’ve been avoiding one for years and I’m willing to put in the work for us. Thanks so much ❤️
15 minutes that could radically change your relationships and your life. Thank you for this video.
This is helpful. I have been accused of the silent treatment and was finally late-diagnosed ASD. I don’t often have an autistic shutdown with my partner, but if my partner sounded very accusing or blaming while I was also very exhausted from masking hard in a toxic work environment, it can happen. This explains why my partner took my shutdown personally which broke communication down further. Announcing my dysregulation and taking a break would work with this too. ❤
Came here to say this. ASD needs to be taken into consideration in a relationship. You hit an excellent point I didn’t know how to verbalize. My meltdown and being unable to communicate does correlate greatly with the amount of time I’ve had to mask prior to the shut down. Thank you for explaining and bringing this type scenario to light.
I go mute when i am stonewalled or someone yells. Asd here too
When I shut down, it's because I'm so anxious, so emotionally distressed and dysregulated that I need a break for my own mental health and no further conversation would be helpful or constructive.
He hates it when I say I need to stop and I'm done talking. I'm putting my own emotional well being first, and he just keeps coming at me with more before I'm regulated again. It makes everything worse because then I get angry and feel like he's not respecting my boundaries and needs, but he's just desperate to fix it RIGHT NOW. It happens over and over and over. Even though we've talked about it.
You are hurting him. Now that you are aware, it is your choice to not hurt him and find help for yourself. Your trauma is not his fault. YOU are making it now his problem.
Stonewalling is emotional abuse. End of story. Take 10 minutes - 15 minutes and come back to the conversation. Tell him you need a 10-15 min break and COME BACK at that time.
If you shut down during difficult conversations and never come back, it makes intimate relationships impossible
Maybe it’s time to heal so you can communicate
Love this. You described our dynamic. Both of us. Too late for this relationship, but I'll take these gems of info and insight into the next.
I wish I knew about the avoidant behavior years ago. Thank you for giving clarity that it's really about feeling abandoned and not valued.
The silent treatment can be used as a way of controll.People should be able to talk out their problems in a mature way .
absolutely right.....the silent treatment administrators turn their "calm and peaceful appearing" self into the victim. I'm tired of people thinking "quiet ones" are the better ones.
Some people go silent because they've "used their words" in the most direct way possible for them, and had their partner completely twist what was said not two minutes prior (I'm some people)..I didn't *want* to stop talking to my (former) partner, and I couldn't handle the issues he refused to get help for without being belittled for actively seeking treatment for my own issues.
I can’t talk to someone who does not comprehend.
'Making them the enemy of our past'. That is profound..
I attended therapy and this right here is what my shrink said.. Hurt people hurt people. Understanding that painful past in order to move forward is life saving.
I wish I knew about this when I got married 37 years ago... This is the most practical and clear explanation of communication that I have ever heard. My wife turned me on to this channel and I know understand communication issues and this channel is the best advice I have ever heard to understand my wife and communicate with her and to understand communication dynamics.
Not just during arguments. My husband stonewall whenever I ask questions about every day life. The weird thing is, could be a simple question like, "What you want for dinner?", but the most irritating is when it comes to spending time together or with other people. I got tired of it and told him, I just need to know a yes or no, do you want to do this or not. Ignoring the question won't make it go away. He has gotten better at understanding that Im not trying to set a trap, I simply need to know what he wants to do. He finally admitted he ignores me when he doesn't want to do something, so I told him that's when you say no. It's ok to say no, but ignoring me or the person asking us it's rude and makes us feel disrespected. Please just say yes or no, that way I don't look like an idiot infron of other people for showing you respect and you dsrepect me instead. Things been a lot better, since he alway brings respect into the picture when he is upset. So I spoke his language to help him understand me.
What about you agree with him that when you get no response you will take it as a no. I know it s not ideal but at least you're not left stranded with confusion and can plan things for yourself then?
open-ended questions are hard for autistics. So, is being social
It can be any kind of yes or no question. Like our family wants us to meet them for dinner, do you want to go? Do you want this for dinner? Blah blah wants to meet up on this date, are you ok with it?
It's frustrating, but learning to help him understand I'd ok to say no, at least give an answer even if it's days later.
@@nitacollins3645 I can understand that if he was autistic or anything, but it's more of a fear of being abused if not giving the answer he thinks I want. We both Bern through abusive relationships, but I learned to fight back and he learned not to answer or pretend he doesn't hear. So it's a learning curve for the both of us. It's important to know you are safe and can be open and honest with each other without fear of retaliation or being screamed at.
I wonder if you should just announce what you’re going to do and invite him along? Like “I’m going to Marsha and Steve’s house for dinner, and would like you to come along but understand if you have stuff you need to get done”
That was so real, and said so very well. That is all I want from my husband. You do a fantastic job of explaining the very issues that exist in most relationships these days. Do not quit making these videos please!!
This means so much Amy!
This is one of the best videos I have listen to. I’m going through a very difficult time where my boyfriend is stonewalling me. He’s a wonderful man, don’t get me wrong… But his way of dealing with things is not dealing with them at all. I guess he needs time and space but while he’s doing this, it’s literally pushing me so far away that I don’t know if I can even come back from it. I’m not sure if that matters to him or not. I’m just trying to give him the space that he needs right now so that he doesn’t make a rash decision. Either way this video literally touched on exactly what’s going on in my relationship. I am going to save the video and when I feel he’s more receptive I’m going to send it to him. Thank you so much. This video was so close to my situation.❤
Spent ten years trying to get her to understand this. Lost everything. Happy you're helping people.
Welp, I just sobbed heavily. You read my heart and I wasn't ready for it. My fear of being a failure manifests in way more ways than I ever thought they would.
I'm a woman. I'm avoidant. I do this. I'm trying to get better because I have a man who already knows Jimmy's lessons. TY ❤
My GF has is an avoidant. Me learning what an avoidant actually was (obviously not from her telling me) was a game changer for me. I can approach her with more compassion and patience.
@RANDassociatesinc that will help a lot! I'm aware and trying to improve, and that would still help me tremendously. I hope she will have an easier time opening up for you 🙏 ❤️
@@42t16 it hasn’t for the most part BUT my being less reactive HAS had her be slightly more kind. Sadly, I cannot say that it has had a significant impact in her behaviour; minor at best.
@RANDassociatesinc does she know she's an avoidant? It took me years to realize that this is the effect my childhood had on me. I used to literally get the fight or flight adrenaline when anything happened, or I started to care too much. However; not knowing your situation, I will say this.... I was always kind. There is no excuse for not being kind and considerate to people. Especially those you love. I would need time to myself to "digest things" and decompress. It helps me to write things down AFTER I've had time to think about them so it will be more factual than pure emotion. Sometimes, this takes a few hours or a few days. But I don't ignore him. I always communicate with him. The silent treatment or ignoring someone is playing games. It's not ok. If she isn't kind and doesn't communicate with you... or isn't willing to be open and work on things for the both of you... it will not change. I went 26 years without even saying I love you to anyone I dated. So I really do get it. But you are a person with needs too!!! Do not let yourself forget that. One person cannot fix the relationship. It should be a team effort. You deserve to get what you give. Please repeat this to yourself 🙏❤️
@@42t16 i suspect she does but it’s extremely unlikely that she will never discuss it
OMG ... Jimmy you just hit the nail... watching your videos I realised that I am avoidant..and that's exactly how do I feel and think when I shut down...😭😭😭
Thank you for having the courage to watch this!! I know it can be very overwhelming. Proud of your growth!
I avoid conflict by shutting down if there is any change in tone, yelling or if I feel like I'm not being heard... I was in an abusive relationship that really ruined me and my ability to resolve conflict. I get pure emotionless sometimes. I feel so bad. I don't know how to stop it before it happens.
Exactly the same for me. I don't mind criticism at all. I get genuinely curious about it. But the moment there is yelling or strong emotional charge coming my way, I shut down and go numb inside. My mum was physically abusive and that's how I protected myself in the past, I knew I couldn't avoid the beating that would follow up on the yelling and nothing I could say changing that. I also know I'm an adult now and have to find healthier coping mechanisms. Working on it ;)
I’ve stonewalled and been stonewalled. When I’ve been stonewalled it only made me more emotional and frustrated because I was trying to resolve an issue, meanwhile the other person won’t say anything or attempt to fix the issue. Then I have to tiptoe around them to talk about anything and that feels really unfair.
@@michelletulumello661 self abandonment is something for the partner to work on big time also. One is abandonning someone's needs. The other is abandonning their own needs. Both highly unhealthy behaviours.
@@sunbeam9222 In any situation other then when you have young children, that works. When the other person lives there, provides materially but in practical terms abandons you, well, statistically the kids will be worse off if you leave.
@@michelletulumello661 I think you're a little past your place calling this woman an abuser for shutting down to protect herself. We're not therapists, just people looking for answers. It doesn't give you license to spew feeling about something you've been through on someone else. "Meanest thing" "hate you" "you are the abuser"
Omg this is me. I needed to hear this in a way that someone understands. Stonewalling isnt being a narcissist but its feeling helpless and being afraid to say or do something that would be hurtful and not being able to take it back. Its feeling like you give and give and have no more to give. Its feeling like no matter what you say you will not be heard so you shut down. Its like if you shut down you cant have an argument and not hurt even more. Its knowingly its not the best behavior, but its giving up and surrendering to just make everything (hurt) stop. I even would say its having so much love and not knowing how to harness it. But its crazy in that moment we just want everything to go away. I needed to hear something like this not from a point of view being criticized but being understood. To understand what i can do to hopefully break this self sabotaging behavior. Im not vengeful i dont yell i dont cuss i just shut down.I feel im rambling here. But thank from the bottom of my heart. Best content i will listen several times and work on myself.
"You matter more than any conflict we have." ... I genuinely had to hold my chest. I'm going to tell him that when we talk again.
What's one to do if they say they need a break, but never actually come back to finish convo? Ignore or silent treatment until they feel like acting like everything is fine. This makes the "breaks" extremely triggering bc I know the issues will never be resolved and then I'm blamed for being upset at this. Any attempts at my part at resolving....just ends up in the cycle all over
Once any attempts at resolving just makes things worse then we are caught in a destructive conflict cycle and we need professional help or else distance and disconnection will only grow.
I have the same problem in my marriage. We are so numb to each other. The fights never resolved. No answers. Always shutting down. Our relationship can only ever be ok if I act ok and never have a problem with him. But I cant not have a problem because hes an alcoholic/depressed if otherwise not drinking. Its just miserable how we've become.
I am divorcing this nightmare.
Therapy doesn’t work with a narcissist ❤️🩹 I tried & not only did he fool her but nothing ever got resolved… she told him it was alright to leave when he got angry but nothing about resolving issues so I said very little & went gray rock. He just disappeared one day… six months later the relief is permanent & peace is gradually returning as my fears are receding. Hope for the future is returning!
@@caroleminke6116I hope it's permanent, but please know to take your safety seriously, change locks and have an escape plan if they try to return to your home or contact you. Stay no-contact.
Stonewalling is not always because of shame. Sometimes people use it as punishment. They will do it until you go shopping with their way. It's not all shame.
Definitely, a key part of narcissistic abuse
I think that may also be called "the silent treatment" or planned ignoring.
especially when they know your deepest wound is silent treatment and they use it with their stone cold heart, to like you said...punish. And they are then the victim.
My wife does it because she can't handle a basic conversation. It's easier for her to make assumptions than communicate
Correct
Jimmy, thank you so much for this. This helps me understand my avoidant husband better. I hope one day he'll be willing to watch your videos, and when that happens, this is the 1st one I'm gonna' show him.
Siento exactamente lo mismo
What can happen is they are so used to that, that they actually make sure they create situations and experiences where they are failing, to prove their parents and that original belief system to be true. Because that is all they have.
My husband has stonewalled for 30+ years. It has made me so crazy over the years that I have resorted to yelling & name calling just to get ANY response from him at all.
Because it's torture to the heart.
This is me too. I hate the person I have become. It's like when kids act out to get attention because negative attention is better than no attention. I'm so ashamed that this is what I have been reduced to.
@@fox__in_socks4609
same here
Stonewalling: refusal to have a verbal conversation with your partner, so they resort to text in an attempt to reach you. You escalate the situation and double down by leaving every heart felt gut wrenching message on read for years... but then when your partner has finally had all they can take and attempts to amicably separate the response is an accusatory guilt inducing "don't do this to us, think of the kids!" So you stay, and stay miserable, lonely, and alone. Wash rinse repeat. I know you don't love the phrase "if they wanted to they would" but God bless, after so many years and thousands of attempts to find middleground, refusals to seek assistance, that is the only sentence I have left that makes any sense.
This is a brutal reality for way too many. I'm so sorry.
Exactly, it’s total emotional immaturity and avoidance of any type of adult communication. It makes you feel alone, like there’s no intimacy or even basic effort or respect, and ultimately all the responsibility falls on you because your stonewalling partner can’t handle any type of conversation, because it turns to conflict, instead of resolution
@@sophiestaskowski758 yes. As well as emotional manipulation. At some point they learned that if you ignore a problem long enough it goes away. But no one ever explained that only works with a problem that no one is emotionally invested in solving. Or they learned that eventually someone else will address the problem. (As a child either the parent gave in and did the chore, or the the responsibility for the action was released) the behavior was rewarded rather than addressed. Tough conversations were avoided even then. On some level this is a learned behavior. This is where the "you never let things go" response is born. Because in their history (usually with a parent) usually eventually issues were dropped or ignored rather than addressed. So they go into relationships expecting the same. They somehow equate this behavior to unconditional love. And when we continually bring things up that they have refused to address they feel we are judging them and we can't let things go and we become the villians in their story. They can't see that we are reacting to their reaction. Which of course also isn't healthy. But this is where our own work has to start.
Exactly, perfectly said
It’s an emotional response, a reaction. Someone has to practice fighting against it but I wouldn’t take it too personal when someone does this. It’s not about you. Everyone has things they’re not in control of otherwise we would all be perfect..
This is an aha moment for me, although i know for sure that my ex fiance was a narcissist (future faking, not caring about my best interest, talking about other partners and sex workers, shaming me for having insecurities, no regard for my needs and i was basically begging for minimum in the end, never being truly vulnerable and honest), but i do see what i can work on during conflict and in general, we were young and didn't know what we're doing, but still lying and gaslighting is the worse.
Another gem of a video Jimmy! 👌 Love how you mentioned nervous system dysregulation, learning about polyvagal theory has made such a huge difference for me personally. And you explained coping modes (schema therapy) so well! They really are survival/defense/coping reactions that were once adaptive in childhood but have become maladaptive in the present. And I love how you walked us through how to actually productively use time outs. It’s so so important to use time outs to calm the nervous system, and to not get dragged into the stories (projections of schema’s) we tell ourselves and fall victim to self righteous anger. You mentioning holding your partner’s hand during conflict reminded me of something I read. I can’t remember if it was from Stan Tatkin’s research, or that of the Gottmans, or Sue Johnson. I had a period of desperate hyperfocus on how to heal relationships, reading all the books lol. But I remember reading that in this study, holding their partner’s hand helped men’s nervous systems regulate, lowering their heart rates. So fascinating how our physiology works! Another tip for anyone reading this: our breathing directly effects our nervous system. When dysregulated, using ‘physiological sighs’ is therefore the easiest, most effective and efficient way to calm our nervous systems. I’ve tried for years to ‘think’ my way out of being triggered with very little succes, causing me to feel like a failure, defective. Thanks cognitive behavioral therapy.. But this breathing technique has been a game changer. I thought breathing techniques were just a bunch of woo woo hippie stuff, but it’s a well studied neurobiological phenomenon that we all have access to. It works by taking one big, deep inhale, followed by another sharp inhale, and then a long and slow sighing exhale. Works like a charm every single time!
I love this!!! Thank you for all this wonderful insight!
This is awesome
Damn right! X
Thank you so much for the explanation of the breathing technique....I'm going to take that one and run with it.
@@scottholden1862 it’s made a big difference for me, I hope it will help you just as much! It takes some practice, especially to remember to do it when triggered, so please don’t feel discouraged if it takes some getting used to at first. It may also be worthwhile to look up the working of it or a demonstration :). Anyhow, wishing you luck with it all and a happy new year!
First time in my life l experience a living human male figure being able to speak about feelings !?
IT FEELS LIKE RUPTURE DAY !!
GOD EXISTS AND IS ALIVE ....
❤
Avoidant starts when there is shift in the balance of relationship dynamics. Some avoidance is justifiable but can’t be used to control the narrative
You spoke about shame and I burst into tears. 😂 a truly informative video. Thank you for being the voice that explains the thoughts I can’t get out!
Ugh this hits hard.. I'm the one that gets stonewalled all the time and I'm the one who grew up in the volatile household with yelling being a constant. He doesn't do it to our kids just me, and it makes me feel like I have to walk on egg shells all the time. He will not be violent to me he will just shut down. I don't know if it's an ego thing with him and he absolutely just says he doesn't know why he's this way. 😩 We've been together 22 years and I don't understand him, I tell him everything and he is reluctant to tell me anything, I honestly don't think he even thinks to tell me things.
I've told him we need to see a counsellor but he doesnt seem to realise how bad it is getting (I have my own mental things too) and because of that I wonder if it's just me overreacting.
His lack of showing care to me has been this way since basically the start and I used to be ok with it (again my own mental stuff) I would be living and give him everything. I just don't have the energy anymore like I don't even know what I feel for him anymore..
Sorry for the rant but this video is my life and I didn't realise that I was being stonewalled constantly until seeing this.
I think I'm too broken now and for my kids I just want them to be happy..
I feel for you. It has been a constant for 14 years for me now.
This has been my sad life for 36 years.
Get yourself into a safe place. It's damaging for your kids to see you both stuck and hurting. Get at least one - I.e. you- out of the misery of past patterns spinning around in a vicious lifeless circle.
It’s not you. You need to stop holding yourself accountable for his behavior or thinking you deserve it because you’re “broken” . It’s likely this situation is only enforcing that feeling of brokenness you feel inside anyway -- confirming it . I was there. For 3.5 years I accepted abusive behavior from my likely fearful + dismissive avoidant , (and I’m thinking covertly narcissistic , as he was withdrawn but pretty grandiose when he wanted to be like w groups of friends) ex bc I saw my own issues mirrored and reflected in his. You can say we emotionally abused each other at times bc we did , just him via stonewalling or yelling and me via wanting reassurance and not respecting his requests for space . It was so easy to see it a a dynamic due to my own issues until I saw how calculatedly he would use space paired with demeaning words to create distance if he felt annoyed or stressed, only to shut down any further attempts on my part to resolve the issue no matter how much space he took. He would also yell if I pressed on. Bc I couldn’t just be okay with the stonewalling I accepted responsibility for so much but that behavior is not normal. It is likely exacerbating your mental health issues. Since leaving I realize I had amnesia for so many instances of being stonewalled and crying for hours by myself . That wasn’t the only sort of abuse… but in many ways he was greatanyway You cannot heal in that environment . It will make an impact on your kids if they see that pain in you. Believe me I wish my mom would’ve been strong enough to say EFF you to my narc dad bc for a while I felt like they are the reason I’m like this and lack boundaries too! But I am learning to escape my victimhood…and mentality… you can too!
Something that helped me before I left -
Get a therapist .
I got this from the RUclips crappy childhood fairy-every morning journal your fears and resentments then immediately after do a short meditation . Something simple and low effort . I use guided OM meditation or a body scan. Also look into learning your attachment style - read attached to start. Then give yourself a morning routine . after I make my bed make tea and pray even if you’re not religious do something spiritual every day. Surrender witb all that pain give it to something higher . Get into Jesus or with craft but pray . I pray to everything the earth, the sky, the divine. I make a routine of it. Share like it’s your diary. Cry, ask to be cleansed of pain or don’t …I’m not theistic but in my personal belief system I pray and before I broke up I made a system of rituals around it I do pretty religiously. Lean on this .
Tell your friends what’s happening. If you’re like I was you haven’t been 100% real with your loved ones.
Record conversations in voice memo . Don’t feel guilty. Listen to them later. Maybe Show it to a friend of therapist you trust if you sense there’s abuse.
Journal your feelings. Screenshot things that just don’t sit well. Even covert Abuse can cause you to forget things.
I wake up every morning with anxiety so I put my hand on my heart and stomach every morning to calm myself.
When you leave sleep with a heated pad and Weighted blankets. So you feel hugged. Become a detective of your own dreams and yourself . Literally squeeze your chest when the pain hurts . Lots of tea. Cry whenever you need to get in your car drive and just cry . Body scan meditation , learn grounding meditations or diagrammatic breathing. Write down your dream life. I even started doing this with that ex for just 5 minutes-obv he resisted and thought it was pointless . Start small and Set 5m goals of each thing. Do yoga….. work out a little every day like RUclips 5 m standing workout or dance and just do it for 5 minutes if you can. Drink magnesium.always have something calm playing like rain ambience, sound baths, or something soothing. Write down every way that person has hurt you and add to it…. Then re read it. Write letters to everyone you won’t send, or do I don’t care. Humming is a great way to regulate or let out that exasperated scream you’re repressing !
When you’re ruminating listen to affirmations for letting go of toxic relationships or for self worth or whatever.
Listen to music that matches your feelings.cry, then listen to something that makes you dance to move the energy into the beyond ❤
Once your feel okay, ask yourself why you stay? Why can’t you be alone? Become responsible for how you feel and realize you will can’t control him. Dare to imagine yourself happy without him . Dare every day.
This situation has likely been traumatizing so It starts in you healing your body then your mind not the either way around. Something that’s helped me get by 2 months NC
This is the best relatiomship advice for women and men that I've ever heard!!
Great information and it really works when both partners do the necessary work to have a loving, mature, respectful, and successful relationship! 😊
Thank you so much!! That means a lot!
Agreed, I've sent to my boy friend, whether he listens or not is up to him now
Jimmy, I know you intend these posts for people in couples-type relationships and that's great. I wish I had seen them when I was married. But if one thinks about it, a lot of this advice works with other relationships as well, parent to child, sibling to sibling, friend to friend, etc. Thank you for creating these videos. Thank you, Emily, for also being vulnerable because if you weren't then Jimmy could not do what he's doing without great damage to YOUR relationship. Blessings on you both! Thank you so very much. Thank you.
I love my girl so much but she doesn’t believe it’s love . Nothing I do is good enough and myself am not good enough for her to her. We never resolve anything . Things just get ignored . This videos fits us to a T. I hope we can fix things . I can’t imagine life without her . She’s my world . I wish I was her world too .
I interpreted his stonewalling as lacking empathy and being cold and indifferent. I never imagined there was pain behind it. 😢
PS. Thank you for this video. We can heal our relationship and not make divorce lawyers rich!!
Someone else was recognizing they did the stonewalling thing and said they felt really helpless when they did it. They didnt' know what else to do, so they shut down, and felt like a failture for doing that.
I wrote it in another comment bevor, but that's me. I'm an expert stonewaller because that's the only way my parents allowed me to handle conflict. Respond to what they are saying -> don't talk back. Leave the situation -> don't run away. Eventually I realised that just sitting/standing there and waiting until they are done was the most effective way to get them to leave me alone. Bulling in school didn't help, since ignoring the bullies was also the best thing I could do. Now I'm in my late 20s and never had a relationship. Partly because I'm scared. I'm not able to deal with conflict or to communicate my needs, feelings and boundaries. I feel helpless and anxious every time someone wants to have "a talk". Even at work when my boss calls me into his office my heart rate goes up instantly. Even when I *know* what it is most likely going to be about, I still go through everything that happened in the last few weeks, trying to prepare for any mess up they could bring up. Basically every time I won't be able to stonewall my way out, I have to fight back tears because I don't want to be part of the "conversation" and I feel helpless because there is no way to get out. Of course I want to be able to talk to my partner. I want to be able to resolve a conflict in a way both of us can live with. I simply can't
I think a *lot* of behavior that people look at as callous or uncaring is based on pain
@@asafoetidajones8181 A lot of it could be. Stonewalling can also be used by those that truly don't care and lack empathy. We do have to figure out the difference. It's good to give the person the benefit of the doubt and not assume. But we also can't assume we're dealing w/ someone who cares either.
@@asafoetidajones8181maybe. But it’s no one else’s responsibility to work on their issues besides themselves. How much understanding you should have about some else’s struggle really all depends on the situation.
I'm at the stonewalling point. I'm done with him yelling at me and when I try to tell him how I'm feeling he shuts me up and walks out. So yes, I stonewall to protect myself.
Thanks very much for stating your experience and feelings. It is exactly the same for me.
🤗
This is the same for me. Not so much yelling at me but stonewalling me and blaming me for everything. I can’t reason with him, I’m too sensitive etc. then when I put how I feel to the side he disrespects, embarrasses me, or hurt me somehow. I stonewall to protect myself. Every time I open my heart it gets broken.
Same for me. My girlfriend goes from 0 - 100 in an instant. She can get triggered easily as an anxious type and her default is fight or flight. She floods me emotionally and the only thing I can do is stonewall. When I try and counter, I just fumble my words which - of course - makes it worse. Its a bad cycle.
@@robertgoldstein7489
I am in the process of dealing with my husband's verbal attacks and other narcissistic abuse by slipping away to another room or go outside or sit in my car, drive away and do something I enjoy. When he huffs off I enjoy the time alone doing what I like to do.
Wow this is exactly what my wife and I are working through right now. This should be taught to everyone at a young age and it would help so many people. Jimmy, you should have your own talk show doing this stuff. Thank you and keep up the awesome content.
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg
How to conduct healthy, balanced relationships is something that can be taught. But honestly, in a world where throughout human history, women have been treated as 2nd class citizens, owned by their husbands as mere chattels, without any rights or recourse to the law until late into the 20thC for many, is it any wonder that men, in particular, don't know how to conduct relationships in a loving, kind way? Jimmy is really the first man ever, who gets it & who is now taking on the monumental task of dismantling destructive, patriarchal methods in relationships, that extracted obedience from wives & children through fear, threats of being thrown out on to the streets, which meant social disgrace, ostracism, shame, embarrassment & poverty. This was the outccome for women, no matter their family's economic status, until well into the 20thC, when laws began to change. Divorce became acceptable & women walked out of marriages in their droves. People laughed at "Women's Lib" & today you really can't find another ideology with a worse reputation amongst women themselves, thanks to a carefully conducted backlash from Capitalists imo. Yet the movement in the 60s fought for some very essential rights & woke up a lot of women to the carrfully constructed helplessness they were in. The subsequent backlash didn't really help anyone either. Women might have entered the workplace, but what they found there & still do, were glass ceilings & sexual harassment on a grand scale. #MeToo highlighted a new streng5h in young women finally to stand together & fight, leading to criminalisations & convictions, but there's so much more work to be done, exposing the methods men use to "keep women in their place.." & that's what Jimmy is doing. It starts with fixing our relationships & examining what genuine love relationships look like & how the parties behave in them. If parents cant treat each other with respect & kindness, they won't be able to treat their children well enough for those children to learn how to treat others - & eventually their own partners - well either. We've all been caught up in relentless circles of disrespect, bad attitudes & old, outmoded ways of relating to each other. I sincerely hope Jimmy can help us to stop the rot in time. I would like to leave this world a far, far better place for all our daughters & sons, at long, long last.
That hit hard. Had to make it in parts to get through.
Thank you so much for having words for the unspeakable.
You may have intended to speak on this for persons in romantic relationship but I can see this for all relationships be it parent/child, friendships and or social group relationship.
This is really insightful!
This is the most wildly informative video I have listened to. It has really helped me bring compassion to myself and him inside the conflict we had yesterday. It was a terrible fight and disconnect. It was like this marriage goodbye.
I’m a woman and I stonewall because trying to communicate with my husband is impossible. He twists everything to make himself the victim and tries to make me look like I’m crazy. So I just don’t bother anymore. And honestly I have stopped caring about trying to bring him back to the actual issue. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He takes zero accountability for his actions and has zero respect for my feelings. It’s better to not even talk than to just argue about an issue that is not even the real issue. After some time he apologizes for HOW I REACTED and not even his own behavior and we just move on until next time. There is never a real resolution. I am in therapy and have learned a lot of great skills. He makes no effort.
What great skills have you learned?
That's narcasism Sharon, not a relationship. You have perfectly illustrated their crazy making behavior.
@@edenjennings8395Sometimes, there re other underlying issues that can mimic 'narcissistic traits'...high IQ levels, mild autism, etc.
@@crystalcutch5569 after 20 years of being gas lit as well as self gaslighting and finding justifications for the behavior just to allow the problem to perpetuate at the cost of my mental health I'm going to go on and say sure... but sometimes a duck is in fact a duck. We look for the zebras because we are pot committed and in love with the potential being we have created in our minds. But potential doesn't pay the proverbial bills. Sure sometimes you have a zebra rather than a horse. Sometimes what is quaking isn't a duck. But more often than not the answers are based in the facts we are excusing away.
Phew! This sounds all too familiar! I'm in therapy too and learning a lot but it still feels so impossible to ever see lasting progress or change....
The reason I stonewall is because I do not feel valued, I don’t feel heard. I realize this is low-level maturity and am thankful for a patient wife. :). We are working through this…thanks for your help Jimmy!
You should change your perspective, too. You used a bunch of I this and I that, but then said “we” are working through it. No, YOU should work on YOU first and foremost.
When my husband stonewalls, I don't feel valued or heard. 🤷
It's extremely destructive and sets up bitterness and resentment, which is also a marriage killer.
Fix it before she leaves. I was the patient wife too for over a decade, until my patience ran out. I silently emotionally disconnected then left him. No amount of talking to him about how painful this was changed it. He’s the king of stonewalling and revenge now. He uses it as a weapon anytime he can. He’s sick and sadistic.
You're not working on anything. I'd you do it and know you're doing it, you're making excuses. There is nothing to work on. You're just either a narcissist or sociopath or borderline
I do it when frustration reaches max level and the other person starts "talking in circles." When it seems like they just want to argue for the sake of arguing. I don't want to play the game anymore. Shut down.
Thank you SO much for this video 💚 its so well articulated. And you take so much care to make the person doing the stonewalling know that they dont have to agree. That valuing the persons feelings is not agreeing with them.
As someone whose mother stonewalled, who did so by packing her bags and driving away somewhere unknown for days at a time and didn't pick up the phone, stonewalling is EXTREMELY tramatic to me, and its SO hard to get friends/partners to understand that what could be a simple silent treatment to them is excurtiatingly reigniting that trama.
I hope to send this to 2 people right now. Not to try and change them or "make them see how Im right" but hopefully so they know how much pain Im in when I feel silenced and abandoned.
Thank you again so much 💚
This video really explained why my own partner from overseas has been stonewalling me. I pray things will get better between us despite the long distance relationship 🤲🏻
Truly the best, most empathetic explanation I’ve heard on this topic. But I do have a question, and apologize if I missed the answer among your other videos.
As the partner of a stonewaller, I struggle with wanting to support him but also being told every time I bring something up (no matter how small) that he feels like he’s not good enough. I of course never want him to feel this way, but after it being the response to every single comment I make explaining my feeling or needs, it gets hard for me to provide the empathic and accepting response you explained in this video. It’s reached a point where the “nothing I do is good enough” response has become a defensive trigger for me because it signals that he’s unwilling to hear what I have to say and I, once again, need to prioritize his feelings and discomfort above my own (it’s also taught me over the years that it’s emotionally unsafe for me to bring up what I’m feeling).
How do I validate his experience and discomfort without feeling like my own needs and concerns have been pushed to the back burner because they cause him pain?
Are you impossible to please??
I understand this feeling greatly and would love to know the answer too, Sarah.
And my husband will continually say, "I DONT CARE". After 4 years of hearing he doesn't care, It is time for me just move on. He left more than 2 weeks ago, because punishment is his MO. It's been the most stress free I've been in 4yrs of marriage. I have more hurt, pain, resentment than I do love. I'm 51yrs old, a remarried widow and I won't live like this another year. Never in my 25yrs of marriage with my late husband did I experience this. I dont need it because i was at the point of pure rage just at the sound of his breathing.
a secure person after numerous tries to communicate with a DA, will eventually give up when the secure finds its no longer worth the effort. respect ourselves to have our own boundaries. a relationship is a 2 way street. if the DA chooses to remain indignant, its time for them to reflect on their thoughts by themselves..alone.
my best wishes to all the non DAs. find your person who can reciprocate what you do for them.
100% true. Nothing hurts more than when you bring something up and they just ignore you... makes you think why should I even bother when they clearly don't want to.
After a conflict the other day with my partner, I looked up on TikTok “shutting down during conflict” and your video popped up. From that video alone, I started crying. Then I came to watch the full video and I cried even more. I wrote down what you said to say and I plan to call them and tell them as soon as possible because I want to fix my relationship. Thank you so so much
🙌👏👏 knocked it out of the park, Jimmy! You gave me a lot of insight that I've been looking for (as the wife of an avoidant), and you just keep bringing the gold!✨ Your videos have been incredible, and this is the most eye-opening one yet.
Oh and by the way watching your videos is slowly giving me back my right mind because I feel validated for once! It almost seems unreal
This is wonderful, thank you. The examples of how to articulate things in the tactful way really help someone like me who hasn't really been given the best blueprint for relationships. One thing I will say after 20 some years of therapy is that positive self-talk like you suggest does not work as well for me to reduce my reactive hurtful responses as Ive learned my reactions in relationships come from a lot of trauma. I've had to do a lot of somatic work to get any relief there. This includes things like TRE and EMDR.
Whoa! What is that voice? Your voice is magical and you speak with so earnestly. I could feel a physical healing reaction.
This video was so helpful for me. I've been shutting down for decades in the face of any difficult emotional decision, and it's on the verge of ruining my marriage. I've finally accepted that it is a problem I need to work through and am starting therapy. So many things you said resonated with me, from how I feel inside when I'm behind the wall, to connections with the past. Thank you for giving me hope that I can work on this behavior and live a better life and be a better partner for my best friend.
It’s an emotional response, a reaction. Someone has to practice fighting against it but I wouldn’t take it too personal when someone does this. It’s not about you. Everyone has things they’re not in control of otherwise we would all be perfect. It’s our job and choice to leave, stay, or set boundaries to protect ourselves- let’s stop blaming avoidants. If all other attachments would have boundaries or leave, more avoidants would eventually get it instead of playing victim.
Everyone that blames anyone else is playing the victim one way or another.
When we take 💯 responsibility about how we think, feel and act, blaming disappears.
This segment…
Although it is the exact description of myself and my currently now ex, I see it now.
You are so incredibly correct on both sides.
I thank you for this information.
It may not help what I’m going through now but it will help me in my future relationships.
Thank You.
(I’m forwarding this to him also in hopes that it will help him for his future as well)
It’s stupid and RUDE when the other person decides to go to bed and leave the other person to figure things out on their own.
I won’t be able to sleep at all then. My ex lacks comprehension.
It's really not. It's hurtful and it seems like the person doesn't care, but if they feel intense emotions and don't want to say things they'll regret, they have every right to set boundaries and go to sleep to cool off and think about it rationally when they wake up. I obsess over things and want to resolve conflicts immediately, however, not everyone is like me, and we all have to respect other people's boundaries
So true!
Oh my gosh I love you!! Never thought I’d ever hear a man say such things!!! If you have not already please please give us a video advising the passive aggressive husband who refuses to compromise, adjust hurtful behaviors, only follows through on 90% of what was said yes to, says yes to end the request knowing he has no intention to, then when kindly confronted responds with replies such as “all you want to do is fight, stop picking on me, I just can’t help it, I didn’t do it on purpose”
I cannot tell you how comfort this has provided. Thank you.
Wow! I’m so glad I came over here to find you and support your ability to do these. Your snippets were powerful but this full, cohesive thought is beautiful! This whole video is brilliant. I saw bits and pieces of myself and my husband interwoven throughout. I’m going to send it to him. Thank you for this.
You are quite a treasure! I'm grateful to have found you and am sending this excellent video to someone who is stuck. Because you speak directly to them, and you're kind and clear delivery, it's a brilliant tool for us in those relationships! Thank you! Many blessings and deep Gratitude 🙏🏼🤗
My partner stonewalls me often. I do not feel safe in bringing up anything that upsets me. The worst part is I get louder when he stonewalls. I know that the relationship is unhealthy and that it is time to call it quits.
"Your tone matters."
!!!!!! So very true. I brought that up so often and I was always met with defensiveness.
There goes Jimmy, reading my mail. As someone who developed an Avoidant Attachment style because of childhood wounds, this is hitting home. Because of it, I've had difficulty letting people in, even the one I love the most. Thankfully, I've healed a lot and I'm learning a lot about how to let in my S/O. Not just from this creator, but also other quality relationship advice. Thank you for what you do. You've said you're not a professional but sharing from learned experience, and I appreciate it.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach one?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I go very silent when I'm upset or during conflict, it's not because I want to hurt anyone but because I want to process my feelings properly (which can sometimes take a while) and get to a place where I can think logically before discussing what ever the topic is. I find it easier to talk through hard topics calmly when I've had time to cool down and often I come to the realisation that it isn't a big deal after all, or I come to understand my partners perspective and it's easier to work on. I did have to explain my process to my partner because from the outside it does look like stonewalling, and if we are leading into an argument I let them know that we will talk about it but I just need some time to mull things over. I find that this works for me in my relationships, there are never any fights or very heated discussions - the issues are just talked through later (a few hours or the next day). This response suits me well in my professional life too. I suppose it could come across as cold, but I'd rather this route of delayed communication than having arguments where we say hurtful things in the heat of the moment that we don't truly mean.
I’m the same. As long as you communicate that you need space and time for processing, that’s fine
What if your partner uses this too much? Like… every time there’s a serious discussion, they use “walking away” to get out of not speaking about what needs to be addressed.
Run ! I learned this waaaaaay too late in my relationship, 15 years too late, but past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. They will never change. They just can't, and you will always be the villain in the relationship in their eyes.
I'm learning that my friend doesn't fall under the regular suspicions of being neglected. His condition requires a different approach. I want to learn the appropriate way to communicate with him to make our bond stronger
The trouble I have is in giving my partner that time and expressing that he was triggered and I would give him that time he would never come back and talk. He stonewall me for 10 months. I would share with him some of the triggers I saw, and he would just fight back. And there was physical violence against me and I finally had to leave now we’re in a very bitter angry divorce on his side. I just wanna be safe and I want to be free. 35 out of 37 years of neglect abandonment anger from him, and as long as I gave him sex, he was fine. When perform to his level, that’s when he threw me away. I really get a lot out of your videos Jimmy and I appreciate them very much! I’m in counselling and therapy and I’m getting help. I still love him but it’s not reciprocated..